Sep 232013

Henry bought these big ass motherwhompin’ Fuji apples and at first I was like, “Fuck yeah, big ass apple!” But then once I brought it to work, I soon realized that there was no way this morbidly obese fruit was fitting in no goddamn apple corer. Bitch, please.


It’s like the size of a baby’s head. And probably just as juicy. Mmm, soft spots.


Here it is next to a Homie for perspective.

So earlier today, I approached Gayle. And in my sweetest voice and best innocent visage, I cued up the violin music and dove into my sob story.

“Yes, I’ll cut your apple for you,” Gayle interrupted after about 5 seconds. I guess it was pretty obvious where my tale of woe was going.


I met her later on in the kitchen and watched her use A BIG KNIFE to lobotomize my mutant fruit. Our boss walked by on her way out of the office and kind of looked at us funny.

“My apple was too big for the corer, so Gayle is cutting it for me,” I explained with a shrug.

“And do we really want Erin handling a knife?” Gayle added. This seemed to satiate the boss’s curiosity.


Thank you for your heroics, Gayle!!



The slices couldn’t even fit all the way into my huuuuuge mouth! THAT IS HOW BIG THIS DAMN APPLE WAS.

It was such a delicious apple! Although, every time I jammed a piece into my mouth, I tried to remain blissfully ignorant to what sort of science made my apple so gigantor in the first place. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA.

  3 Responses to “The Elephantine Apple: A Photo Essay”

  1. You are more than welcome!!! Yup, that was one big-assed apple!!!
    You know we love our ERINKELLY!!!! (one word)

  2. Yay Gayle! That apple is a big mother, isn’t it?

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