Aug 182016

This will be my last viewing party with Judy, so sad. I don’t really care about anything that’s on but I’m watching anyway because there’s nothing else on. 

  • Henry’s sitting on the floor like the dog he is, eating an Air Head. Stay cool, bro.
  • We’re watching the three American runners get their medals and Judy screamed maniacally, “I WONDER WHAT TRUMP THINKS ABOUT THIS?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” ??????????
  • Henry’s talking about the Olympic medalists having to pay taxes and Judy is all THATS RIDICULOUS and I’m like SNORE. ZZZ.  
  • Someone’s daughter was on Price is Right and had to pay taxes. 
  • Taxes.
  • More taxes. 
  • I just asked Judy what she thinks about Ryan Lochte’s latest controversy and she got real somber. “How ’bout that! Ain’t that something? ……why would he do that? All them robberies n’at they have over there and they have to add to it? What a disgrace to the United States.” Henry interjected a bunch of HEARSAY in there too like he’s some kind of third rate Matt Lauer or something God go to bed Henry.
  • Henry just asked what the decathlon is?! I was like “it’s when they do 10 different things, asshole. THAT’S WHAT DECA MEANS.” God, forget about going to bed. Go back to school. 
  • Omg Judy is giving herself a hernia with all her pole vaulting exclamations. And then in a calm voice, she said “Nice looking man.” He was ok. 
  • “I wouldn’t have gotten it that far,” she said as a javelin was thrown.
  • Judy is all over Ashton Eaton right now. Phelps is but a memory. 
  • “Oh I love this commercial. My favorite commercial.” It’s the “Make America Great Again?” commercial where Trump is on Letterman being exposed for having his clothing line made in China. “OH ID LIKE TO SMACK HIM.”
  • Judy’s concerned because the men are milling about before the 1500m portion of the deca and no one is talking to each other. “why don’t they TALK to each other?!” 
  • Henry’s doing math. I’m so bored. This night is boring. I miss swimming. :(
  • They just called Ashton Eaton a walking talking action hero like WOW he doesn’t seem that great to me. 
  • “is it cold there?” Judy just asked and Henry is like ARE YOU DUMB, NO. 
  • “That’s as fast as they’re allowed to go???” Judy cried and Henry said no they can go as fast as they want. “well they’re NOT going VERY FAST. Oh give me a break, people! I thought they were just WARMING UP!” She is so disappointed. 
  • I asked if Eaton won and Judy just yelled at me for not knowing. “YEAH!” God sorry Judy. What an anticlimactic win. 

  • Judy made an “ew, ugh, gross” noise like she saw a spider and then threw down the advertisement she was reading about Trump. Whoever thought Henry’s mom and I would ever have things in common?!
  • Too much milling about in between races so Judy is distracting herself with a magazine. She just yelled DO YOU LIKE THESE???ANIMAL PRINTS?! and held up a page of workout clothes. I gave her a noncommital “sure” and she pointed to the ones she liked, some wild looking leggings. Maybe that’s what she’ll wear when she outruns those slow-ass decathlon 1500m runners. 
  • Judy critized this Dalilah Muhammad broad for being too skinny (“I thought they were supposed to have some meat on them”) but look who won the damn race. 
  • “That Jamaican boy” is coming on next. 
  • Judy’s beloved Ashton is being interviewed but she’s too busy reciting some white tuna fish recipe in Shape to no one in particular. 
  • Judy is not invested in track and field. She’d rather talk about ricotta and “that balsamic vinegar.”
  • Henry just said some Canadian runner looks like an older version of one of choochs friends and Judy and I just adamantly agreed so now Henry has this smug, self-satisfied look on his face. Don’t get too used to it, asshole. 
  • Oh hey Usain bolt just won a thing. 
  • “They have BMX in the Olympics?” Henry asked. “you’re asking us?” Judy said incredulously. 
  • I was reading out loud about the two Australian swimmers banned from the closing ceremonies because they were out past curfew and Judy said “yeah! They don’t mess around over there. That’s where they should send murderers. Chop their fingers off or something.” ????? I don’t know if she’s talking about Rio or the IOC. 
  • It’s 10:11, too early for Judy to take her pills. 
  • It’s a commercial now. Judy is appalled because she got a letter from her eye doctor saying its been a year since she’s been there. “I was just there in May! Simple people. I was going to call them but they don’t even deserve a phone call. You know they pay people to send those things out. That’s a shame.” 
  • Smuckers Team USA commercial has Judy feeling some type of way. “I LOVE peanut butter and jelly, omg.”
  • Some Puerto Rican got kicked out of this hurdle race for a false start and Judy told him to go get drunk. Then they showed an American and she said “is that our boy?” But I just ignored her because I don’t know who our boy is. 
  • This Olympics doesn’t feel right without Bela Karolyi. My mom said he was on during the gymnastics (like, duh) but I never saw him which is why I had ZERO INTERST. I need to go paint his sweet Romanian face (again). I miss him so much. 
  • Announcer: her entry was not very good. “Oh for CHRISTS SAKE lady,” Judy spat in vehement disagreement. Now she’s chastising some Chinese girl for not being as good as her fellow Chinese diver. “That’s not gonna cut it, girlfriend. Trust me I know.”

  • After the commentater critized another diver, Judy just yelled THEN YOU GET UP THERE AND DO IT BITCH. Well, she did—-in 2000. And she won the gold. So….
  • “I’m going to punch her.”
  • Judy’s mad that this 15yo Chinese girl doesn’t look happy that she won a gold but it’s hard to be emotive when you’re a robot, you know?
  • “these are the times im glad I don’t have a computer” and I think she’s implying that she’d be starting flame wars in the comment section right now. That’s what Amber2 thinks that Glenn does all day at work. 


  One Response to “Olympic Swan Song”

  1. “Judy’s beloved Ashton is being interviewed but she’s too busy reciting some white tuna fish recipe in Shape to no one in particular.”

    THIS is why I love your writing. The manner in which you capture people in their absolute reality. Tolhurst so bad!

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