Dec 262009
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:20 I love noticing hours after the fact the creative ways my phone auto-corrects my tweets. #
  • 20:27 Why do I have a feeling #SYTYCD is going to make me angry tonight? As long as no part of that douchey married couple wins. #
  • ***
  • 01:01 I’d like to go back to when I was 20 & punch myself in the face. #
  • 04:40 Hay look @ the dumb! For a Good Choke, Call That Guy: a LiveJournal Repost: (Originally posted March 20, 2007) Ther… bit.ly/5f9dhA #
  • 11:19 I’m voting to host a film festival of old high school class projects. It’s amazing how vehement the vetoes are. #
  • 13:03 Just wondering when they’re going to show all the “hot broads” on “Jersey Shore.” At this rate, Henry can toss on a wig & get screentime. #
  • 13:25 My workouts never feel successful unless they’re followed by vomiting. #
  • 14:08 Mop head, pantsless & watching his shows. yfrog.com/33twhgj #
  • 15:27 With his mop of curls, Chooch looks like a walking flashback scene of Brian Crackhouse in “my so-called life.” #
  • 16:55 The Used and Cold are playing a day apart from each other in February. Time to start hoarding my monies. #
  • 18:04 While explaining my family tree to someone, it occurred to me that it sounds like I grew up in a gypsy caravan. #
  • 19:27 Fleury made a save that literally gave me hea rt palpitations. #pens #NHL #cryersimeanflyers #
  • 20:17 Keep screaming “Crosby sucks”, you twatty Philly fucks. #pens #
  • 21:37 It’s impossible to watch this hockey game sitting down. #
  • 21:47 That was a sweet shootout. I mean, how are the Flyers expected to win when there’s no one to punch? #pens #flyers #NHL #
  • 21:53 My Christmas tree continues to grow uglier. Much like my soul. #
  • ***
  • 02:49 I need to stop staying up so late. Henry just tucked me in. It was cute until he tried to smother me. #
  • 14:05 My little brat child keeps calling me Mrs Attitude. He’s been given way too much power in this household. #
  • 14:55 I just tried to picture myself camping & my mind actually broke. #
  • 19:01 If you live in Pgh, check out Wildcard on Butler St in Lawrenceville. Fun stuff there! (& I’m not just saying that b/c they shill my wares.) #
  • 19:06 I read/screamed the list out loud to Henry RT @AltPress Want the first batch of Warped Tour 2010 bands? We got ’em! bit.ly/7Wt6B1 #
  • 19:17 Henry is trying to learn cross stitching while Robert Smith looks on from above yfrog.com/33x6rbj #
  • 21:10 It tickles me that all our Xmas cards come addressed to My Name/Henry’s Name & Chooch. My name is always first, yeah bitches! I mean, cool. #
  • 22:31 Google just ruined my night, as well as my entire weekend, maybe even my life. Ignorance is bliss! #
  • 22:46 Maybe that’s why my evil cat Marcy has gone from my arch nemesis to ankle-rubber. She knows I’m dying. #
  • ***
  • 02:33 I guess it’s time to curl up with my cancer & go to sleep. #
  • 17:09 Gotta love a holiday movie that starts out with the parents of 3 kids dying in a wreck. Merry Christmas. #
  • 17:13 I’ve managed to stress myself out so extremely that it feels like I’m having a stroke everytime I breathe. The solution to that? MORE WINE. #  
  • 18:19 Feeling a sudden urge to belong to a church. I can’t think of anything this means e xcept that the end must be drawing near. #
  • 19:06 Can’t think of a better way to spend a snow-laden Sat. than by watching hockey & drinking wine while bundled in my fave hoodie. #letsgopens #
  • 19:09 Henry: oh, they’re playing Lalime. Me: Uh yeah, where have YOU been. Henry: in the kitchen making your dinner, asshole. #
  • 20:40 Would have been fun to watch Ryan Miller play tonight but I can’t say I mind having to look at his face on the bench. #pens #sabres #nhl #
  • 21:43 I love shootout wins! #pens #NHL #
  • ***
  • 00:02 I need to have a backup boyfriend to keep me company during the 20 hours a day Henry spends asleep. #
  • 12:30 10 days of every Degrassi ever made omg. #
  • 15:14 Hay look @ the dumb! Random Picture Sunday: Not sure if you heard anything about it, but we got some snow. bit.ly/5JVJdl #
  • 16:45 Waiting for everyone to arrive so we can desecrate some ornaments. I mean, decorate. #
  • 17:01 Old school Hoover! Henry broke out the bandanna to do some hardcore cookie-bakin’. yfrog.com/37w6ftj #
  • 18:59 Art class. yfrog.com/4fhw4j #
  • 21:26 Henry’s too busy baking to pay attention to me. This might be a good opportunity to fake suicide. Or pregnancy. #
  • 21:32 Last night Henry accused me of having no responsibilities. I decided to make a list to prove him wrong. So far I only got “washing dishes.” #
  • 23:12 Maybe it’s just me, but once meat is thrown into the mix it’s no longer a grilled cheese. #
  • ***
  • 15:44 Henry Spunkmeyer is still baking. I think I’m most attracted to him when he’s in the kitchen. It’s that whole femmasculine thing. #
  • 17:21 Henry, boxing cookies for the big exchange. I’m so proud of him! I wonder if he’ll write about it in his diary. yfrog.com/1eohtcj #
  • 17:57 Henry said he doesn’t think my blog is funny b/c he’s too intelligent. I don’t think it is either but that has nothing to do w/ smarts. #
  • 18:07 Henry’s not onboard with me learning martial arts to relieve aggression. “Yeah that’s what you need – to be angry and deadly,” he lectured. #
  • 19:05 That was awesome. Not only was Henry the only guy there but the cookie exchange took place at a nail salon. It was rich. #
  • 20:28 The Devils continue to cripple us. #pens #
  • 21:00 I just learned from my son that if I had another child, he/she wouldn’t like me. He WOULD know. #
  • 21:23 They just showed a grandpa/grandson pair at the #pens game. It made me happy-sad. #
  • 21:58 Bravo, Martin Brodeur. #NHL #
  • 22:01 RT @nhlinformant #Flyers better get their game together by the #winterclassic or else the entire country will see their a bunch of frauds. #
  • ***
  • 10:18 I never tire of Bittersweet Symphony. #
  • 12:47 I never close my eyes in the shower. #
  • 12:52 Cho och wants every novelty cooking item he sees on TV, then says “And we’ll get daddy to use it.” I love that he knows the parental roles. #
  • 20:44 It always come back to combat knife. #
  • 20:49 Santa should bring us all the ability to edit tweets. Sparkly red bow optional. #
  • 21:10 I just ate the first delicious nut roll cookie thing in years, courtesy of @rhondakibuk. Holy shit. #
  • ***
  • 01:27 Since Henry’s ignoring me I guess I’ll just reminisce alone about the time I wanted to join that Lyme Disease support group. #
  • 11:03 I love how the envelopes of Christmas cards remind me that I’m living in sin. #
  • 11:08 Chooch is experiencing for the 1st time the psychedelic brain-rape that is The Price Is Right & asked “why’re they acting like retards?” #
  • 16:27 But why CAN’T Christmas be all about me?? #
  • 16:46 Is there a support group for people who can’t deal with Christmas shopping? #
  • 17:52 If I miss the hockey game because of Santa’s popularity, I’m beheading a reindeer. #
  • 17:56 My last tweet made my eyes well up. I’m changing that to a plastic reindeer. Or Henry. #
  • 18:07 Scene: Toys R Us, boatload of bitchy moms crashing their bitchy carts into my ankles, I find out my grandma was taken back to the hospital. #
  • 18:33 Chooch told Santa he wants a Jack in the box. Santa had a f lashback to his own wishlist back in 1940. #
  • 19:36 I’d like to see one of the Pens send Mike Fisher home to Carrie Underwood nice and bloody. #NHL #
  • 20:46 #pens are up 6-1 after two periods. It’s like they’re unleashing all the pent-up goals from Monday night’s blowout loss & it’s FANTASTIC. #
  • 21:16 Hat trick for Malkin! This more than makes up for the 6-2 loss t o the Sens earlier this season. Too bad this wasn’t against the Flyers. #  
  • ***
  • 01:24 Sometimes I just lay here and look for pictures on my ceiling. Last night I swear I saw Miley Cyrus’s weener. #
  • 11:08 Chooch goes, “I told Janna to get you a Hannah Montana toy for Xmas.” My son’s a dickhead. #
  • 14:40 This is how people from Arkansas (Alisha!) pay for paintings. There is MacGyver-approved tape involved. yfrog.com/6m3ndfj #
  • 16:46 The son is currently painting a picture of “the wine store.” A good indication that perhaps he’s there too often. #
  • 17:23 When someone perpetually plays a video game &am p; you find yourself singing sentences to the tune of its theme, you know it’s Wine Time. #
  • 18:36 Hay look @ the dumb! A Christmas Eve Tale: Libraries and Lynchings: Hello, here are two points of interest to prefa… bit.ly/8BDIjo #
  • 18:36 I have chest pains so bad when I laugh. I hate when God meddles with my inappropriate humor. #
  • 20:26 Henry’s mom just tried to give us a web address: www.com. That will get us far. #
  • 20:49 Wine in a box at Henry’s sister’s house. Unabashedly drunk. Obtaining lots of fodder for his fake diary. #
  • 20:5 6 Henrys sister is talking about how their mom used to beat the shit out of her and we’re laughing to death. #
  • 22:52 That was unequivocally the best Christmas Eve I’ve ever had. #
  • 23:56 Got an early present from Santa, best ever if you know me! yfrog.com/3lfucvj #
  • 23:59 Dear @awoodhick, I love my presents but why the shit are we watching the country channel? #
  • ***
  • 00:38 Merry Christmas to my Twitter friends! (I’m not cool enough to pull off “tweeps.”) #
  • 01:52 Henry & I are head-to-head in a game of Words With Friends. I’m trying to go easy on him for Christmas. No, I’m really not. #
  • 09:39 This is exactly why I hate buying him Playdoh. A minute later & every color is mixed. My OCD hurts! yfrog.com/1yfn0yj #
  • 09:49 Upon asking Chooch what his fave present was, he held up a pack of Gushers from his stocking. He was serious. How did he get so unspoiled. #
  • 10:57 It pleases me greatly that Chooch is excited about getting books for Christmas. I hope that doesn’t change. #
  • 13:26 I love when hummus is so fresh it can be drunk from a cup. Not that I’d ever….
  • 14:04 I feel like I’ve been bounced around today more than a porn star on Ron Jeremy-as-Santa’s lap. #
  • 17:35 I’m at the nursing home visiting my grandma and it’s going much better than on Thanksgiving. Thank you, Santa. #
  • 17:50 My grandma has a knack for reminding me that every decision I’ve made in life has been the wrong one, right down to my hair color. #
  • 20:54 Now I’m at my dad’s & found out my mom made him my fave dessert – butterscotch pie. Maybe if I divorce her, she’ll bake it for me too. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Choose Your Words Carefully