Hey, did you know we went on vacation? Oh. Of course you did. Am I being that annoying about it? SORE-Y.
Anyway, here are the companion photos to this post, from our first full day in Tennessee. Look at them or don’t look at them; they’ll never know the difference.
I miss this stupid porch.
This was moments before The Accident. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets punched in the face by an overhang.
Minutes later: friends again. Are you serious? I’d have made Bill beg for it. Chooch is way too forgiving and he so does not get that from me.
He at least got an ice cream cone out of it. I’d have asked for more. Like maybe money. Lots of it. OR MAYBE HIS WIFE.
On a weener prowl.
Every other store was Jesus n’ guns. Henry was getting some pretty big ideas.
Trying to DROWN my kid now.
The courtyard inside one of the little shopping areas in Gatlinburg.
It made me wish I was wearing a Snow White dress. Or at the very least, a tutu.
There was even a shoe store that sold TOMS. I had to hold back from buying a houndstooth pair.
So, this was an interesting week for Chooch and telephones.
We’re one of the many families that have eschewed a landline for cell phones, so Chooch has never known anything but a cell phone. However, he quickly caught on that if he knew Bill and Jessi’s room number, he could call them from the phone in our room. Trust me, he memorized that shit quicker than the Situation memorized the number the STD clinic.
But then this happened one day:
Chooch, holding the receiver out: Oh shit. I dialed the wrong number.
Me: Then hang it up!
Chooch, slams it down and then picks it back up: Ew, what’s that noise?
Me: Well son, that there is what the pioneers call a DIAL TONE.
It’s just so weird to me that landlines are becoming so archaic that my 5-year-old is as confused as you or I would be if we had to send a telegram. Also, when I was five, I was playing on a motherfucking Speak and Spell, not a computer.
Now imagine his double-excitement when he got to stand inside a payphone.
Chooch wants to be photographed everywhere now, and he can be a little bitchy divo about it. “Not on THOSE rocks, THESE rocks!”
I’ve created a monster.
Chooch and Bill inside a genie’s bottle at some Optical Illusion attraction that was good for a few laughs.
Stupid me, I almost didn’t take a picture of him hugging the fiftieth wooden bear sculpture, but he made sure to school me in front of a bunch of strangers. Everyone laughed and thought it was so adorable. I was tempted to lift my shirt and show them the welts from where he beats me with a scalding poker.
Pretending to like each other.