I wasn’t going to LiveBlog because we woke up late and now we can’t do all the fun stuff I wanted to do on the way home (ok it was just one fun thing and I wasn’t really married to the idea but whatever).
But I’m bored and need something to do so here we are.
It’s 10:30 and we just stopped at this place screaming about PEACHES PECANS AND FIREWORKS. We went there specifically to see if we could find any good deals on peanuts for the squirrels (lol my life) but they only had bags of RAW p’nuts which are not good for my Buddys and Grays!
Instead we spent $40 on deep fried peanuts, strawberry peanut brittle, locally made soy candles, lip balm, and beard balm. And something called Divinity that Henry tried to not share with me but I ripped it out of his hand.
I could have spent more money there, easily.
I didn’t see any real peaches there and made the mistake of saying so, and now I’m enduring a spiel from Farmer Hank about how peaches are out of season. I wonder where he hides his Farmers Almanacs.
Omg henry is so annoying. He keeps changing the route while he’s driving in an effort to bypass anticipated traffic. “This will put us through the top of Tennessee,” he said. “What’s the top of Tennessee?” I asked. “Not the bottom,” he replied. I MEANT LIKE WHAT CITIES BUT OK MR LITERAL.
Hi it’s almost noon. Henry and I talked about LGBTQ+ issues, nutrition, and Slutty Vegan for like an hour in case you were wondering why I wasn’t updating lololol. Now we’re at a gas station and Dunkin’ Donuts in Athens Georgia because why wouldn’t we have left Georgia yet. I had an annoying gas station bathroom experience thanks to a loud mom and her 12 children. Also I broke a nail last night when pulling down my restraint on Georgia Scorcher and I need a nail file but have not found one at any place we stopped. Also my macchiato (“macchiato” – very LOOSE definition) tastes like hot water. Henry tried to stir it by shaking it and sprayed “macchiato” everywhere so I yelled about how I “try to keep the car clean but then YOU PEOPLE–”
“Is ‘you people’ me and Chooch?” Henry had the audacity to interrupt.
“ANYTIME I SAY YOU AND PEOPLE IT ALWAYS REFERS TO YOU AND CHOOCH” I yelled. Because hello really??
Twenty five minutes later. In Tennessee. We just drove past a giant cross. I blurted out, “Giant crosses are pathetic” and I dunno why I said that other than the power of Satan compelled my tongue.
Also, earlier in the drive I was fixated on the fact that we don’t pronounce sugar soo-gar and now Henry says “SOOGAR” every time he sees a sign that has sugar on it. So that’s a cool linguistic monster I created.
1:11pm and I was just vocalizing how I imagine Henry would be right now if he’d never met me: sitting in a tattered recliner in a sweat-stained wife beater, shotgun propped up against the side, long greasy hair, knife in a holster of his belt which also features a huge belt buckle since he’s an OTR truck driver, eating a HUNGRY MAN tv dinner while shotgunning a generic beer and watching–
“NCIS?” Henry cut me off with a sigh.
“No, GRACE UNDER FIRE,” I shouted, choking on laughter. “And who’s that other asshole…JEFF FOXWORTHY.”
“I used to listen to him before he was famous,” Henry said and I think he meant it as a brag???
“Wow congrats. You were a redneck hipster.”
1:51: THIS JUST IN–at a Pilot somewhere in Tennessee and THERE WERE FOUR OF US BROADS IN THE BATHROOM WEARING MASKS. I felt like I was with MY PEOPLE.
2:25pm: had a fight about maps. Chooch actually defended me by pointing out that HENRY can’t even read a map. Thanks, Backseat Son.
Anyway here are mountains. Maybe the Smokies? Who can be sure. No one can read a map.
Also just passed a billboard for HEAVENLY STITCHES: a quilt store. Cool.
2:53: GUYS. WE JUST WENT TO PAL’S SUDDEN SERVICE. I have been OBSESSED with this fast food chain since we saw one Friday night when henry abruptly pulled off an exit to go to Dunkin’ Donuts and one was right next store. I AMOST forgot about it until today when Henry was saying stuff that I wasn’t listening to as usual and then casually added, “and then you can go to Pal’s” and I was suddenly ERECT WITH ATTENTION.
The exit sign is A POINTING HOT DOG!!!
I got a toasted cheese!!! I made Henry get a Mello Yello so I could drink some because I didn’t want my own!
Henry tried to pay at the ordering window and the girl LAUGHED AT HIM and said, “oh no, you pay at the pick up window” like Henry had asked to see the basement. It was such a highlight.
Here are pictures I took Friday night:
I need a Pal’s t-shirt SO BADLY NOW.
6:00pm: HENRY made me drive for the last TWO HOURS most of it was GRIDLOCKED TRAFFIC in Virginia, while he slept like a precious WHITE MAN. My nerves are shot now. I pulled over to switch with him RIGHY BEFORE the dumb toll thing which I had to drive through on Friday too and it was so annoying because we have EZ Pass but were behind CANADIANS who had to dig around their car for change and I was very unhappy with our NEIGHBORS TO THE NORTH in that moment.
Anyway did I mention that I’m in a bad mood now? Because I am. Fuck off Henry. If you even ever read this!!!!!
Omg he just had the audacity to say something about me complaining about driving when he still has to drive for 3 hours and 45 minutes and I was like, “yeah and you got to sleep for 2 hours so I dunno why you’re complaining!” But now he’s saying he wasn’t?? Um I’m sorry but when he bitched about the remaining time left he has to drive, that was him LODGING A COMPLAINT. Fuck off!!
6:25: Hi. My other dream was to go to Tudor’s Biscuit World & get a motherfucking biscuit since all my other biscuit dreams were crushed on this trip. Now we’re here but we got stuck behind an elderly couple who just materialized from outer space and we’re ecstatic to order human food except they had no idea how. But at least they’re wearing masks!
OK REPORT’S IN: BISCUIT WAS WORTH IT.
I loved our experience at Tudor’s was amazing and I am very happy. My favorite part was when Henry accidentally threw away all the plates into the garbage can:
And then couldn’t find anyone to tell because they were all outside smoking. So when he found them on our way out, the one lady was like “oh it’s alright. We’ll just leave them there” and the other lady said she wouldn’t tell. Henry’s such a chump.
Also, I feel like I missed out by not ordering the CAPPICINO:
8:25pm: I just changed Henry’s Waze profile to this and I’m crying and he’s in the drivers seat going WHAT. WHAT. WHAT DID YOU DO. STOP FUCKING WITH MY STUFF!!!
I just spit on myself trying to hold in another round of hyena-level laughter.
I just signed him up to be a Waze carpool driver and I’m crying.
I’m nice but don’t like to talk much unless it’s about military airplanes and the TV show Monk.
I gave myself a stomach ache.
I’m so overheated from laughing that I’m sweating. I tried to show Chooch my hard work and he said I DONT CARE. Meanwhile Henry is over here panicking, wondering what damage I’ve done to his impeccable Wave profile.
9:06: we still have 90 minutes left *SCREAMS INTO A PILLOW EXCEPT I DONT HAVE A PILLOW SO THIS IS JUST A REGULAR FULL-VOLUME UNSUPPRESSED SCREAM*
9:20: Listening to my old COCK ROBIN jam and I said, “I’m not sure how I ever knew about this song. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it on the radio.” And, with a SMIRK, Henry said, “probably from one of those dumb CDs you used to buy.”
LOLOLOL: he means all the COMPILATION CDs I used to get via MAIL ORDER using my mom’s credit card lol.
I guess I will post this worthless account of nothingness now. Will update if anything interesting happens??
UPDATE: I only accumulated 2500 steps thanks to basically driving non-stop all day. We got home at 10:35 tonight and I was DETERMINED to meet my daily goal of 12000 (I usually get way more than that but 12000 is what I have FitBit set at). I walked/jogged in place from the moment I walked in the door, pausing only once for a pee break, and I met my goal WITH TWO MINUTES TO SPARE. You can ask Henry–he was sitting on the couch staring at his phone the entire time.
Ok. Trip’s officially over. Happy to be reunited with my insane, attention-deprived cats. Taking my contacts out now thank god. Peace out all-gendered scouts.