May 312013


“And her boob was THISBIG.”

Pet doom & gloom aside, I still have to write about Memorial Day, which didn’t feel like Memorial Day because it was only in the 50s and there was no cooking out. There was, however, the shitty parade that limps past our house every Memorial Day, so that was the only real tell-tale sign that there were soldier-things to be recognizing and appreciating.

So we did that, but not without making fun of the terrible small-child dance troupes doing crippled cartwheels in front of our yard. I really don’t know why they bother.


The Shriners are the only good part of the parade because they drive stupid miniature trucks and tricycle-like things. I’m down with that. Even though I have no idea what the fuck the Shriners do aside from wear* dumb hats.

*(Totally spelled that as “where.” Proof that I’ve been spending too much time with Henry.)

Then we got to see some of the Catholic School Cunt-Moms oozing down the road cuntastically with their stupid Girl Scout daughters. God, I hate those bitches. See? That was me talking to God. I don’t have to send my kid to a stupid Catholic school to share a God with those Bible sluts. In fact, I think I might start believing in God just so they DO have to share him with an asshole like me.


Chooch saw a bunch of girls he knows from school and also ate a bunch of candy that was chucked at him by people who have no real purpose being in a parade, so he was already pretty hyper. But then this happened:



So, Courtney is in 8th grade at Chooch’s school and she apparently helps out is his classroom. His teacher was telling me about how Courtney and the other helper are always so excited to come in and see what Chooch is wearing that day, and they like the same bands he does so now he is SUPERINTERESTEDOMG in going to Warped Tour. The other girl even made Chooch’s teacher tell Henry to have Chooch wear his Pierce the Veil shirt on Twin Day so that he could be her twin.

It’s pretty ridiculous, but it gets even more ridiculous.

Last week, Henry was picking Chooch up from school and overheard him telling Courtney to call him. She of course laughed and said no, but Henry was like, “WTF, why are you telling her to call you!?” and that is how he found out that Chooch gave her Henry’s cell phone number. I think it would have been even better if she actually called Henry. As my friend Rob said, “It’s all fun and games until Henry goes to jail.”

Anyway, Courtney was in the parade for whatever reason. It’s apparently not very hard to earn a spot in a parade as pathetic as this one. So when she was walking past, she happened to casually glance over at our house and did a double take when she saw Henry. (She wouldn’t recognize me because I very rarely am able to get Chooch from school because of work.) Once she saw Henry, she started craning her head all around until she spotted Chooch. She pointed at him and yelled his name, causing him to turn beet red and fall to the ground.

Ah, young love. Chooch likes ’em old, just like I do I guess.


Later, we went to Sheetz and got food for a Memorial Day picnic in some park where Henry started preaching about how you can drink your own pee if you really needed to so that became our new Mocking Henry subject matter.


We don’t even let the man swing in peace.



This was right after he pointed out some nature thing, which made Chooch and me double over in laughter.  Henry tried to make some sort of threat about how sorry we’ll be when he doesn’t warn us that Big Foot is running out of the forest toward us.


Then Chooch and I raced Henry to the bathroom but he cheated and I was REALLY MAD about it. What a douchebag!

On the way home, I made Henry stop at a roadside produce stand that we had just bought fruit from the day before, because I really wanted a Gerber daisy. And you better believe that bitch bought me one, too. But then Chooch started whining about wanting one too because god forbid I have something that he doesn’t, so Henry bought him one too, which he immediately dumped over in the backseat of the car and I laughed, which he did not appreciate.

So yeah, it was a good Memorial Day Weekend, even though I had Marcy’s upcoming vet appointment on my mind.


The next night, Chooch was doing his homework, which included this:


This totally set Henry off.

“Too bad you didn’t pay attention to me when we went for a walk yesterday. Now what are you going to write? ‘I went for a walk and made fun of my dad’?”

No, he made shit up. Because he’s my kid.


  One Response to “Memorial Day: Lame Parade & a Sheetz Picnic”

  1. Another reason why Utah sucks hairy balls – they aren’t allowed to throw candy out at parades anymore, because kids run into the street and get run over because their parents are too fucking stupid to tell them not to run in front of moving vehicles. I’m a little jealous of your shriners parade. And the fact that your roadside fruit stands are already open! What the hell, Utah?!

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