Gatlinburg, Day 6: Our Last Night

Me, confused yet amazed: “Jessi was so supportive of Bill at Pirate mini golf. She even cheered when he got a hole-in-one. I would NEVER do that for you.”
Henry, all miserable: “That’s because she actually LOVES Bill.”
************
The rest of our last day was spent trying to cram in some souvenir shopping. Henry, Chooch and I went to the Ole Smoky Moonshine Distillery where “free tours!” turned out to mean, “Y’all can stand in front of this display and watch as fake Moonshine is being made and read some shit on these here placards while we plant some old man dressed as a hillbilly next to this vat to make it look more authentic, ya hear?” Utterly disappointing.

However, there were free tastings and even though the broads running the shop were absolute bitter cunt-whores, I still walked away with a mason jar of Apple Pie.

(To be fair, the lady who rang me up cracked a smile when she saw my finger tattooed and said, “That’s funny.”)

Later on, we all went to Pigeon Forge as a group for some cheesy souvenir persuing. Roadside America had been pressuring me to stop at Three Bears all week, promising that there was an actual bear pit in the back of the store. This seems pretty cruel to me, but the proprietors swear that these are bears that wandered out of the woods and had to be captured when found ravaging dumpsters in commercial areas. I really didn’t want to patronize this establishment without more information, but curiosity got the best of me.

The store also has a year-round Xmas section. Because that makes it all better.

Anyway, it cost us something like $3.50 to see the bears, and a bit extra for a Dixie cup full of apples and miniature Milk bones to feed them. The enclosure was comparable to something a zoo would have, complete with waterfall and pool, so that made me feel better. The bears didn’t appear to be broken, and they would actually stand up on their hind legs to catch the treats, like they were performing. Or working for their food.

While I admittedly squealed in delight with everyone else and clapped my hands as if at a circus, I still had that niggling guilt in my heart.

There are apparently animal rights activists who protest in the Three Bears parking lot, but it was empty of sandwich board signs and PETA pamphlets on this day.

We then shared one last meal with Ranee and Vanessa before they had to head back to the airport, and then we capped off the week with a round of Pirate black light mini golf at MagiQuest, where my bra glowed through my shirt in trashy black light chic.

Chooch got another hole-in-one, what the fuck.

“Is this Henry’s favorite hole?

” Jessi asked me, pointing to the decidedly phallic outline of it.

Henry ended up beating me by one but let it be known that I would have won had I not been so focused on heckling Henry and Bill.

It was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

“Did you notice that it was all of the BOYS who got holes-in-one?” Bill chided on hole 18. Considering us girls are better at everything else, throwing the game was the least we could do.

I don’t think anyone of us wanted to leave the parking lot afterward, knowing it was our last group activity of the week. Henry went back to the room and cried about it for hours.