I’m at my new job! With a broken finger! Henry will have you believe it’s just bruised but what does he know? He thought Maunday was a misspelling for Monday ( SO DID ALISHA) until I opened my big bag of Biblical knowledge on his ass. (I’m still galloping around town on my highhorse about that.)

Anyway. My desk area is bare. Stark. Inadequate. But at least I didn’t set off any alarms today.

Already there are two girls who I can imagine being friends with, which is pretty much where friendships start and end with me oh ho ho ho.

I refused to pay the exorbitant price that rip-off company at the mall charges for some untrained teenager to carelessly press a button on a camera while some unsavory character in a smelly fur suit forces my child to sit upon his questionable lap.

So I had an unsavory Henry slap on a smelly plastic rabbit mask, shrug into a blazer that hasn’t seen the light since 1989, and force our child to sit upon his questionable lap.

I think Henry could have tried a little harder, but what can you do. Besides make the rest of his night a living hell, which I fully intend.

Afterward, we had a lovely dinner at my mom’s house with Alisha, Henry’s mom and my brother Ryan. Corey is still in London and he was missed. We drank wine from real wine glasses this time, Corey! Post-dinner was full of HILARIOUS anecdotes (told by yours) and at one point I called Henry a spring chicken and we all laughed heartily. Then I pressured him about marriage, creating room for awkward and uncomfortable chuckles. Henry’s mom said something about it “just being a piece of paper” and I almost screamed, “I knew you didn’t want me to be your daughter-in-law!” but remembered I had just downed two glasses of very potent spiced wine and thought better of it.

Chooch showed Ryan the zombie games he plays online and they bonded over that for awhile, even went outside and played with a basketball, portraying a regular uncle-nephew scene from a Norman Rockwell painting and my head almost exploded. It was awesome. The bonding, not the near-explosion.

My mom said Ryan told her he was going to go home and check out more of the zombie games.Good job, Chooch! I kept suggesting to Ryan, “You should babysit him sometime!” and he kept laughing. But I wasn’t joking.

Alisha had stuffed cabbage for the first time and bragged a lot about Arkansas;  Henry’s mom and my mom talked about things; I piped up every now and then to remind everyone how lucky they are that someone as fantastic as me would even bother spending such a grand holiday with their ragtag asses.

Then Chooch fell and scraped his knee on the driveway and it has been a regular scene from Vietnam around here ever since. Everything is “my scrape!!!!” this and “I’M DYING!!!!!” that.

Next holiday, please.

Henry and I waited until 9pm last night to get shit for the Easter basket. I mean! To tell the Easter Bunny what Chooch wanted.

Not that it mattered, because the first thing he went for was the one thing I actually had bought well in advance – a pull-apart zombie doll from Think Geek. He hasn’t put it down since, except for the 2 seconds it takes it him to pillage a package of chocolate dinosaur eggs.

“How did the Easter Bunny know?

” Chooch exclaimed. “I’ve been waiting so long for this!” Meanwhile, the box it was shipped in had been sitting on the coffee table for like, three weeks.

We sat next to Jesus at an ECHL hockey game last night, so I’m especially feeling it today.

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:26 Thanks, Fartsmell!! #Pens up 4-1! #
• 16:19 OMG I HATE LOWE’S. #
• 16:31 Alisha had keys made for me. We are SO OFFICIAL now! brizzly.com/pic/1V3U #
• 16:46 Grocery shopping is weird. I don’t know how you people do it. #
• 16:49 Although, there is some jazzy flute-centric song on the soundsystem now that I can REALLY get behind. Alisha ha-ha-hates it. #
• 17:03 Britney Spear has peed barefoot in bathrooms cleaner than the one I just used in Long John Silvers. I’m sure of it. #
• 17:38 If I wasn’t always being RUSHED by Alisha, my last tweet would not have singularized Britney’s last name. Sorry Britbrit. #
• ***
• 00:28 I’ll write a book about my tour of public restrooms, and you’ll buy it. Great, thanks! #
• 01:33 I wonder if I ever killed someone. My cat is soft. #
• 12:00 This is what Hell looks like for Marcy. brizzly.com/pic/1VET #
• 13:20 My mom bought Henry a Bullet Express. He’s ripping the plastic bags off all the pieces like it’s Xmas morn. Oh, Henry. Our lil’ cooker. #
• 17:40 I have a great idea! Let’s not lose to the #Leafs. Again. #letsgopens #
• 17:44 Henry saw a man get tackled at the grocery store for stealing meat. I want him to guest blog about it and he won’ttttttt. #
• 17:57 I didn’t just tweet this. I’m not exactly sure what you’re talking about. brizzly.com/pic/1VJ2 #
• 18:43 If Henry having a food processor means I get to have stu ffed mushrooms for dinner, I’ll stop making fun of him. #
• 19:26 LET’S GO PENS! #
• 20:44 Feels weird cheering for the #Flyers. Probably peeing on a ginger baby will make me right with the world again. #
• 20:49 Chooch: “Daddy, tell us a story about when u were a little bitch.” Yes Henry, tell us. Shouldn’t be hard to remember, was just 5 min ago. #
• ***
• 13:03 Stanley Cup commercials on #NHL Network are making me cry. “What if Mario wasn’t so super?” LOSING IT. #
• 13:33 I think there’s something wrong with my cat Don and to say I’m freaking out might be an understatement. #
• 15:02 Chooch drew a picture of a baby. It was dead on the road. Good job…? #
• 15:51 Henry loves it when we’re in the car and I replay the same song over & over. I’m not annoying. It’s all charm. #
• 16:04 In the mall parking lot, Henry drove the wrong direction. Mall security came flying out of nowhere. Henry got away with it this time. #
• 16:17 Guess who’s not paying $25 for some incompetent 16yo to take a shitty pic of her son in the lap of an Easter furry? #
• 16:52 I’ve just been Vikingnized at McDonalds by some little girl. I think she just adopted me. #
• 17:07 Hay Chooch: hand sanitizer’s effect is negated when hands are immediately wiped under a Mcdonald’s table. #
• 17:37 Blatantly acquired a new boyfriend right in front of Henrys moustache. #
• 19:22 Spent an entire 20 minutes looking for a new place to live and am already discouraged. So very discouraged. #
• ***
• 00:37 Henry’s never punched a mirror. What the fuck kind of pussy have I been dating for the past 9 yrs? Good that I’m finding this out now. #
• 10:25 My favorite part of the day is when Chooch & I sit quietly drawing zombies. The other 16 hrs of the day are too noisy, hurts my patience. #
• 14:36 In my head I pretend Henry & I are Pittsburgh’s Kirstin & Sandy Cohen. Henry’s got the brows, I got the perpetual wine glass in hand. #
• 14:58 I asked Chooch what he wanted to listen to & he said Piece of Veal. I went ahead and assumed he meant Pierce the Veil. #
• 16:09 Chooch told me to get a life. NEWSFLASH, SON: You’re the reason I don’t have one!!! #
• 17:17 Dear @saucalisha, thank you for keeping Bonzi’s harness on for me. You are so thoughtful! Accidentally had a baby in yr tub, though. Sorry! #
• 17:30 There’s some decent looking dads here at the playground. I’m looking to upgrade. Ignor e the big doof in the Faygo shirt next to me, guys. #
• 23:11 When does this Progressive spokesbitch’s contract expire? Tired of her red-lipped feigned quirkiness. About to expire her myself. #
• ***
• 00:33 What kind of father won’t tell my Zombie Farm zombies that he loves them? The Henry kind. #
• 09:46 Imagined being on The Real World & Henry coming to visit, baking cupcakes for all the roommates & frowning at childish antics. #
• 10:26 Sorry Ohio. I don’t answer calls from your state. #
• 14:23 CALL IT LUST AND LET ME GO; AND I HATE YOUR BREATHING. #
• 14:46 “Chooch, where did you learn your numbers and letters?” “Why teacher, in the cemetery, of course!” #
• 15:00 Playing zombies. brizzly.com/pic/1WSR #
• 15:34 Chooch mistook his leg for a tree, pissed all over it. Newsflash: dead leaves don’t work well for urine absorption. Let’s go camping! #
• 15:59 Henry is now trying to teach me the ins and outs of peeing outside with a penis. #
• 19:28 I’ve had an 8-year craving for chocolate chip pancakes. Tonite, Henry makes them. Sadly, one of Sally Struthers’ “kids” has to die now. #
• 20:06 Anyone but Stamkos. Motherfuck, #Pens! #
• 20:45 “‘Something awesome’ happened to me?” Henry repeated. “You act like I won the lottery; I saw a fat guy get tackled.” #
• 21:40 Newsflash Henry: real #Pens fans don’t fall asleep during games, not even when we’re on the verge of being shut out. POSER. #
• 22:43 I might have legit nightmares of that hockey game. Oh, #Pens. #
• ***
• 00:17 Fucking Real World finale chokes me every time. Still an avid Ashley hater tho. I hope she does the Challenges & gets puked on by Tonya. #
• 01:30 Zombies sleep sitting up, ankles crossed. Everyone knows that. brizzly.com/pic/1WZC #
• 10 :43 Henry told me he loves me. Then I looked at the date #
• 11:54 Chooch, glancing at the TV: “Oh, ‘Sixteen and Pregnant’. Awesome.” #
• 13:03 I GOT THE JOB EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO OUTSIDE AND SCREAM. #
• 13:03 Now I just need to find a place to live. #
• 17:18 One puddle in the whole park & Chooch fell in it. Only boy in the world who hates being muddy. #
• 18:07 I’m sorry Henry, but the correct response to me saying “I wish I was on a sports team of some sort” is not a hearty snort. #
• 18:40 Me: We haven’t watched any good mumblecore lately. Henry: Thats because there isn’t any. :( #
• ***
• 01:19 Luongo needs a hug. #NHL #
• 11:33 Chooch built a helicopter. He follows directions way better than I ever did (do). brizzly.com/pic/1XIZ #
• 11:41 Watching Lost Boys, per Chooch’s request. Doesn’t fe el the same now. :( #
• 12:28 Got a box of sweet-smelling body stuff today from @hausofgloi! & by body stuff, I mean lotions etc, not candy-coated kidneys. (This time.) #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

It’s been almost three weeks now since Chooch’s foot-maiming and there is nary a faint red scratch marring his flesh to indicate any hint of what was once a gnarly gash.

But he’s still favoring it, swaddling it with a sock. He comes home from a long day at Target, the playground, the Hells Angels meeting in the alley behind the Army Navy store; strips off his shoes and pants like all men do, but always keeps the sock on his left foot. Henry and I have been calling him Choochie One Sock.

“Chooch,” I’ll start. “You can honestly take that sock off now.”

“No, I need it.”

He was even keeping it on during baths at first. Actually, he wouldn’t even put his foot in the water. He’d prop himself up in a way that allowed for him to extend his left leg, keeping his battle wound from meeting the dastardly bath water.

Finally, I held his foot into the water like a sack of kittens, in spite of his thrashing and yowling.

“THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR FOOT ANYMORE!” I shouted the other day, over top of his skin-prickling shrieks. Then I hurriedly allowed him to fling his foot back to the surface before the neighbors called the police under suspicion that the crazy girl next door had activated the torture chamber again.

Today, I swore we were making progress. He mindlessly peeled the sock off as he prepared for his bath. He then subconsciously submerged his foot into the water. I waited, braced myself, held my breath in anticipation for a vocal reenactment of Misery’s foot scene.

Nothing. Not even slight whining. Not even a whispered “ow” or a sharp intake of breath.

“Why, my son is done near HEALED,” I thought, referring more to his mental complex than the injury itself.

After his bath, I left him alone to dress in his room. About twenty minutes later, he drove past me on his tricycle and I noticed that he had completed his post-bath ensemble with one goddamn sock.

It sort of reminds me of myself, and the psychotic way I obsessed over my C-section incision for MONTHS.

It’s been 4 years and I swear there are still times when I feel phantom twinges, stings, and tenderness.

In fact, it would have been nice to have had the luxury of guarding my wound with a sock. I’d probably still be wearing it.

Hello I got the job! They apparently are able to see past the fact that my incompetence shines when faced with the dubious task of opening doors and are willing to test the theory that I’m actually intelligent, as stated by my glowing references.

And it’s temp to perm, so no more getting bounced around like the forgotten child in a divorce.

After 3-6 months, I’ll be making more money than I was when I was working full-time; more money for less work? This really panders to my lady of leisure lifestyle.

I start on Monday. I’m so happy I can breathe again.

I left Chooch sitting in front of the Toys R Us website and told him to go wild. Just not too wild. Like, under $50 wild.

OMG now I can eat! And buy new jeans! TODAY I LOVE EVERYONE!