Moodiness & political drama aside, November has started off pretty nicely. Sometimes I get so bogged down by the news and the pissiness of people around me that I forget that things under my own roof are just fucking swell. So here are some things from the last week that have made me excited, smile, or just laugh my ugly face right off.

(Otherwise known as “I’m Trying To Clean Up My Camera Roll So Here Are Pictures.”)

• A SATURDAY NIGHT IN WEST VIRGINIA

Shit, I know what you’re thinking: How fun could a night in WV honestly be? But look, listen. There was one last haunted house I wanted to go to before slamming the door on another successful haunt season, but it’s TWO HOURS AWAY in Weston, WV. I’ve been twice before and I can tell you that it’s worth it, so I got Janna to agree to go too and Henry reluctantly drove us (I’m not great at night-driving, OK?! It’s a miracle I got us home from Fright Farm a few weeks ago). Chooch and I were rambunctious from the start because there is something about Janna that just seriously activates our Giddy Mode. It’s not even that she instigates us or anything, but more so that she is so freaking easy-going and basically ignores us that it just makes us react even harder. As you can imagine, Henry LOVES this. For instance, we stopped at a Sheetz in some rural area and Chooch was getting a “Hollywood Snack” pack and became deadset on getting Janna to buy one too. She eventually conceded and while we were cackling over this like hyenas in the car, Janna calmly said, “I HAVE HAD THIS BEFORE, CHOOCH, IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.”

OMG BUT IT WAS!

Then we were laughing because we she was taking so long inside Sheetz so we just left her in there. When she finally came out, she wasn’t even hurrying back to the car! SHE WAS IN THERE FOR SO LONG THAT HENRY WAS CHECKING THE OIL AND CLEANING OUT THE TRUNK!?

I’ll skip the haunted house part because I’m going to make Chooch write about that (lol, I love bossing him around) but we got stuck with an annoying family (I mean, aside from my own) so the haunt wasn’t as great because of that (the dad of all people was the one who ruined it for us because he was such a slow idiot and even the rest of his family was like “PAUL, GO FASTER!” because other groups were catching up to us, and it wasn’t until the next day when I was like,, “Oh shit, they were actually saying ‘Pa'” and then that just made it even funnier to me). By the time we got out of there, it was after 9 and we hadn’t eaten dinner yet, so Henry took us to DJs 50’s and 60s Diner, which is where we ate last year on the way home from the same haunt, but this time it was blessedly uncrowded. (Last year, it was after some football game so that place was packed with Trumpers.)

Chooch took this picture of his loving parents. Henry’s face was varying levels of anger and annoyance throughout the meal, especially when he summoned our waitress after we ordered because he wanted to tack on an appetizer for himself but when the waitress came over, Chooch cut him off to ask her what the wi-fi password was and then they were both talking to her at the same time and she was like WHAT TO DO but she ultimately chose to make Chooch’s request her priority and I thought Henry was going to flip the table especially later on when she came back with his appetizer and we all lunged for it so he ended up with only one deep fried banana pepper.

The trials and tribs of Henry J.

Chooch and I were fighting each other for Janna’s “good fries” because I am a super ridiculous fry snob with very narrow criteria that Henry hasn’t been able to decode in the 18  years I’ve been snatching “good fries” from his plates, and I managed to pass this trait down to Chooch which sucks because he knows EXACTLY the ones I like and has himself convinced that HE likes them the best too and now there is always a war over fries, even worse than when America was mad at France and took it out on french fries by renaming them FREEDOM FRIES.

But look, Chooch and I aren’t complete savages about this – we have enough civility to BARTER. Yes, that’s right, for every “good fry” we steal from someone else’s (read: Henry’s) plate, we toss in one of our own rejects. Janna was getting tired of us launching our unwanted fries onto her plate and eventually yelled, in her own way, “Oh my god, just take the ones you want! I don’t care!” and the fact that we managed to get Janna worked up over this made Chooch laugh so hard that he had to run to the bathroom to maybe-puke.

BUT HE TOOK A FRY WITH HIM!

Meanwhile, the waitress (a very sweet young girl who patiently endured our hour-long visit) came over to refill my coffee so I purposely held my cup over Henry’s lap and I was trying to hold back my giddy bray the whole time which only made it worse and the whole sitch ended up being awkward because I’m sure she thought I was laughing at her, but no, I was just being an asshole to my own people.

And then I got Janna to subscribe to my blog after 11 years!!

And then I took a picture of my gardenburger and cracked up all over again because who seriously takes a picture of a diner veggie patty.

AND THEN WHEN WE WERE LEAVING, WE SAW THIS PICTURE IN THE VESTIBULE. LOLOLOLOL..

Oh for god’s sake, I needed all that laughter. My cheeks felt like they were going to split!

• CUTE BLOUSES WITH THINGS ON IT

I’m a sucker for blouses with things on it. I don’t care how juvenile it is! I recently bought these two cutie shirts from F21 and they put me in a great mood:

The horse one has such great sleeves, which is another thAng I’m a sucker for.

(I had a friend who hated when I said thang instead of thing and even though I use it sparingly these days, it’s not without a bucket of smugness.)

CLOSEUP OF MY BEE BLOUSE. I love bees.

• OBLIGATORY CAT PICTURE

• MORE LIBRARY DRAMA

Well, Son of the Year finally had his library ban lifted so he went there the other night to get a book for his next genre report but he was DENIED when he went to check it out because he allegedly has three overdue books, about which I know NOTHING, and he naturally came home and couldn’t find them and look, I’m not dealing with this shit. He can rake some yards to pay off his library debt or go to Book Jail for all I care.

So then the other night I was like, “Oh yeah, when do you need to choose a book for your report?” thinking that maybe we could just go to like, Half Dollar Books this weekend but he said, “Tomorrow.”

TO-MOR-ROW.

Because they have to turn their books for the teacher’s dumb approval before they can start working on the reports, you know?

I was like, “YOU LITTLE SON OF A—-” and then stormed off into my bedroom to find him a book to use. (Luckily I have lots of young adult books, lol.) I intended to lend him Charlotte Sometimes (the book that inspired the Cure song of the same name!) but then he was like WHAT IS THIS ONE and that’s how Christopher Pike’s seminal classic Chainletter became the subject of Chooch’s genre report.

You’re welcome, 7th grade Communications Teacher.

• TAEMIN’S JAPANESE SELF-TITLED ALBUM

Look, you knew there was going to be at least one mention of Taemin in this post. He’s all I have while G-Dragon is fulfilling his military duties! Anyway, I have been loving Taemin’s latest release, which is Japanese and I usually don’t like Japanese versions of K-pop songs, but it’s TAEMIN so I’m OK with it. Plus, the new “just-for-Japan” tracks are killer. My favorite so far is HOLY WATER:

And also this immaculate performance of Eclipse. If I ever get to see him perform live in front of me, under the same roof,  I don’t know if my legs will be able to hold me up. Taemin, come  to America and let’s find out!

Well, on that note, I’m gonna peace right on outta here. Have a great weekend,  don’t jaywalk, etc etc etc.

It’s been a minute since I regaled this cobwebbed corner of the internet with stories from my dumb lunch break walks, but autumn has officially blanketed the city so I felt inspired to get snap-happy.

The blue skies have been very welcome after the dreariness we’ve been experiencing here in Pittsburgh, and I’m not just talking about the weather. Anyone here who says that Synagogue hasn’t affected the city clearly never leaves their house because the atmosphere downtown last week was solemn and at times just straight up electric with anger.

I witnessed two men verbally arguing about Trump, in front of the August Wilson Center, to the point where one of the men was chest-butting the other guy and screaming, “COME AT ME.”

The next evening, I was walking through Market Square after work and stumbled right smack in the middle of an argument about profiling between a small crowd of strangers. One of them screamed, “I’M A JEW!” and another one spat back, “SO AM I!” while the Christmas Market was being assembled several yards away.

‘Tis the fucking season.

Another day, I was walking back to work when I was approached by a middle-aged man. I saw it coming, he had that look of desperation and I have the look of GULLIBILITY, so I wasn’t shocked when he veered toward me.

“Excuse me, ma’am, can you do me a favor?” he asked.

My reflexes are so terrible in these situations because I always feel like I’m damned if I do, etc etc. Of course I always want to ignore these solicitors but at the same time, I’m afraid of angering the wrong person, so I generally at least pretend to be nice for a few seconds.

I figured he was just going to ask for money, because that’s what it always is if it isn’t the extremely rare request for my phone number from someone who is clearly blind. So I figured I would save him his whiskey-breath by shrugging and saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t have anything.”

Usually this works! But not on this day. As I turned to walk away, this ballsy man said, “Come here” as he grabbed me by the sleeve of my coat and attempted to pull me toward him!? OH BITCH HELL NO DO I NEED TO GET SCRAPPY?!

I wrenched my arm back until the fabric slipped from his fingers and, still trying to be SOMEWHAT POLITE because GOD FORBID A WOMAN DENIES A MAN SOMETHING, I said I was late for work an proceeded to walk backward because I was afraid to take my eyes off him. Women get stabbed for shit like this everyday, you never know what you’re dealing with out there!

He just kept talking, too! I think he even said he liked my leg warmers?! Like them all you want, just NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN, GOOD LORD.

I came back to work and was SHOOK. I went straight to Lauren’s desk and told what happened and only then did I realize that it  had upset me so much that I was near tears. I just kept thinking about all the ways that could have taken a turn for the worse.

However! Yesterday, I had quite the opposite experience. I was walking across one of them there bridges, headed back toward the office, when a man about my age stopped before passing me.

“Excuse me, are you from here?” he asked.

HOO BOY, HERE WE GO.

Like a moron, I said yes. For someone who hates people, I sure fucking engage with them willingly. #ContraryMary

“What’s the white building over there?” he said, pointing at something across the river. I braced myself but when I saw what he was pointing at, I was like YES I KNOW THIS. I KNOW THIS!!

“Oh, that’s um, the uh…convention center,” I said with zero conviction because I couldn’t remember the name of the convention center but at least I knew that it was a shelter for conventions!!! It’s also the biggest eyesore in downtown Pittsburgh, if you ask me, but no one ever does.

“Oh, that makes sense,” he said. “And what about that?” Now he was pointing a different direction, toward Mt. Washington.

Shit.

“Um, I think those are just condos?” I said, my tone the verbal embodiment of a shrug.

“And there’s a casino here, right?” he asked, like I was wearing some ASK ME ABOUT PGH sandwich board.

Now I felt like I was on some hidden camera quiz show.

I knew the general direction of the casino, so I felt like I was doing well, a lot better than the time the in-a-hurry businessman from NYC stopped to ask me where to catch a cab.

LOL, IN PITTSBURGH? Good luck.

Anyway, turns out this dude’s name is Adam and he came here from Vancouver for the dumb Steelers game which is tonight I guess, and I only know that because I accidentally walked to the dumb Heinz Field and got trapped in a mess of tents, some dumb THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL stage being set up, and people being excited about dumb football. This was actually where I was walking back from when I ran into Adam.

His friend’s flight wasn’t until later that afternoon, so he was killing some time by walking around the ‘Burgh when he ran into the city’s worst tour guide. He said that Pittsburgh was bigger than he thought (it’s small, you guys) and he thought it was “very nice.”

I did tell him about the incline on Mt. Washington though, because I do think that’s a thing that all visitors should do when they come here because who doesn’t like a good view of a city, you know? It’s our version of a sky tower, I guess. But Adam kept wanting to think  that the track I was pointing to was steps, so he was like, “Oh OK and so you can walk up that hill…” and I was like, “NO IT IS LIKE A FUNNICULAR, ADAM, YOU RIDE ON IT, PLEASE TRY TO KEEP UP.”

It was almost as bad as the firsts time Bill & Jessi visited and Bill was 110% convinced that the Incline was literally someone’s house that drove up and down a hill all day long. I think he’s the one that I also had convinced was going to go super fast like a rollercoaster whenever we were about to board.

I might not be a verified tour guide, but I am a verified motherfucker.

Adam and I shook hands and I was starting to walk away when he called my name with urgency.

SHIT, PLEASE DON’T ASK ME THE NAMES OF THE RIVERS. PLEASE DON’T ASK ME THE NAMES OF THE RIVERS. I’LL HAVE TO PHONE A FRIEND AND THEN THEY’LL THINK SOMEONE DIED BECAUSE I NEVER PHONE A FRIEND.

“What’s that sandwich place that everyone here likes…?” he asked, and I laughed to myself because I was literally just telling my friend Kyoung from Korea about this that morning in our Kakao chat when we were talking about food that our cities are known for.

(Of course, his town is known for legit dishes and I’m like, “I dunno…a sandwich that comes topped with fries and coleslaw?”)

“Oh, Primanti’s,” I laughed knowingly, like it was some inside Yinzer joke but it’s not because Primanti’s has expanded to like, dumb Ohio so it’s not exactly a secret.

Of course then he wanted to know how to get there and I wasn’t sure if there is one in Heinz Field because I have never been there because I don’t like football or anything else that would ever happen there unless it’s like, The Cure or a Kpop festival which will likely never happen. So I gave him weird arm-twisty directions to the one in the Strip because I think that’s like, the original?

And then he asked me what I get when I go and I started cracking up big time because this guy has no idea what a half-assed Pittsburgher I am, man.

“Well, I don’t eat meat, so I would just get cheese. But other people, um, get ones with lots of meat, I think,” was my super convincing answer. And actually, I have only gone to Primanti’s twice in probably 20 years because it does nothing for me.

I came back from my walk and went straight to tell Todd about my encounter because he loves listening to stories about me awkwardly interacting with strangers, and I knew he would think it was even more special that the conversation was about Pittsburgh Things.

“Well, if you were really on a game show and the question was ‘Most Popular Primanti’s Sandwich,’ you’d probably want to say pastrami,” Todd said and honestly it’s been so long since I was in the meat game that I can’t even think of what pastrami is so that’s what Henry and I talked about last night when he picked me up from work: how pastrami is not Pâté  (literally I was picturing a Primanti’s pâté  sandwich and couldn’t understand why that would be the most popular?!) and how Adam picked the wrong motherfucker to get insider tourist tips.

*******************

Bonus “reporting from work” fodder:

I went to visit my old area today for some Chatty Time.

“I was thinking earlier about how Glenn used to choke all the time for attention. Does he still do that?” I asked, since I don’t sit over there anymore to keep track and also Glenn was gone for the day so I couldn’t ask him to his face.

“Yeah, but I don’t think he’s doing it for attention,” Todd said, in full White Knight regalia. “In fact, he was actually choking earlier and I thought to myself, at what point do I step in?”

“That’s because he eats peanuts!” I cried, not willing to give up any pity. “Look, he has a huge industrial-sized jar on his desk right now!”

“Are you talking about how Glenn is going to choke to death someday and I’m not going to know?” Lauren said, pivoting in her chair.

“Ugh, he totally fakes it!” I cried, and Todd was behind me shaking his head at the camera. “Remember that one time I asked him if I could NOT get him a glass of water?” I asked. CLASSIC ERIN.

“I always feel really bad when it happens!” Lauren said, because she is a good person.

“One time, I told him to stop because it was annoying me,” I said with a shrug, and Lauren was like, “ERIN OMG!” Hahaha, I’m the best.

They totally miss me sitting over there.

It’s crazy to think that I was going to shows (alone, mostly) 5 or more times a month before my life did a 180. There just isn’t much in that scene that has grabbed my attention since I felt in love with Korean music, even though I thought I would be able to maintain both lifestyles. But then Emarosa announced a very small and limited run of super-intimate club shows and I was like, “OK, I’m in.”

Still, it was hard to get back into that “changing clothes and leaving for the show straight from work” groove that used to be my norm! It was a struggle man, especially when we got to the South Side and had a hard time finding a parking spot because there were at least two other shows going on Thursday night.

And it was raining.

And I was tired.

And I was hungry.

But…Emarosa.

The show was at Smiling Moose and I was stoked for that because I love that little spot so much. I feel at home there and not super anxious like some other venues make me feel – like Mr Smalls; I don’t mind that place when Henry is with me but anytime I went alone I felt like I was slowly dying.

This was Chooch’s first time at Smiling Moose, somehow! He’s been to nearly every other venue in the city but this one so I was excited to scratch it off his list (I don’t think he cared either way; he’s 12 and only cares about Fortnite and, thankfully, school).

The show started around 7 with local band Milly who I swear I have seen before but after googling, I think maybe not?! OMG I WAS WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING? I have to be honest here and say that I was kind of in a mood and was sort of prepared to be unimpressed, but these guys proved as usual that I am a prejudiced asshole because they fuckin’ slayed, OK? At least I can admit when I’m wrong!

I saw Chooch pull out his phone and add one of their song names to a Note, so that is like the ultimate seal of approval – an opening band not only holding my kid’s attention, but inspiring him to make a note to check them out at home?! Well done, Milly.

Apparently, they toured with Bradley (Emarosa’s frontman) years ago, before they were Milly and before Bradley was in Emarosa, so that was interesting to know! I like full-circles.

I would definitely go see Milly again. They held my attention and I didn’t drift off into a daydream once, which is surprising because I was really tired that day.

After Milly’s set, I was reminded of the only thing I dislike about the Smiling Moose and that is the super awkward stowing of equipment along the sides of the room. There is no “backstage” so all bands have to load in and out from the front, which means that you’re in the way if you stand in the center of the floor, and then they stack all their shit along the walls near the stage, so you’re in the way if you stand to the side as well. The only place I haven’t been in the way was all the way in the back at the bar and in the bathroom.

SPEAKING OF THE BATHROOM, the last time I was there, I lost a brand new lipstick in there! It fell out of my pocket and I didn’t realize it until I got home and I was sad but at least it wasn’t any of my good Korean lip stuff, just some lame Cover Girl thing probably I think who cares, IT’S OVER NOW.

Oh, did I tell you that Henry wasn’t even with us for Milly? He was at the bar, being a cool boy. But then he encroached on our spot near the stage in between bands and was all cocky because Bradley saw him back there and said hi. Get over yourself, Hank.

The second and final opening band was another local one – Secret Eyes. Immediately, we were annoyed because one of their people, a very nice girl, kept asking us to move because she was setting up some extraneous, gratuitous light fixture on both sides of the stage, and of course one of them needed to be planted exactly where Chooch was standing. We all took a step back, but the guy next to me was unwilling to move so it was tight quarters during the entire soundcheck and set, but thankfully that was cut short due to technical difficulties which prevented one of their guitarists from performing with them so they had to play as a three piece and it really threw them off big-time. I felt bad but at the same time I was like maybe you shouldn’t have worried so  much about these dumb lights that aren’t even adding anything special to your set, boys.

I’m not sure if I would have liked them or not, and it was hard to tell based on the version of the band we got that night, but the singer did at times sound like the guy from A Skylit Drive, so I was into that. Until they played a cover of the Weeknd and then they lost me.

We were elated when the girl came back to retrieve those lights afterward,  freeing Chooch to dip back into his corner spot. That dummy next to me still wouldn’t move though even though he and his girlfriend had a wealth of space next to them, but whatever. I wasn’t trying to let my inner stodgy old person get the best of me on this night. TIME AND A PLACE, ERIN.

TIME AND A PLACE.

Emarosa came out, no frills, no gimmicks, and proceeded to rip our faces off. The stress almost immediately melted off my shoulders. I had no idea how much emotional weight I had been lugging around, and how much I needed to be there that night. My sanity needed it.

The music is obviously what keeps me coming back for more, after all these years, that long hiatus, lineup changes, and a gradual but progressive change in sound, but what REALLY sets these guys apart for me is the stage presence, the inter-band camaraderie, the fan engagement, and the easy-going humor that shines so naturally in between songs. Bradley could easily stand up there, belt out every song with the sheer perfection that we all know and love, and call it a day. But instead, he treats the audience like we’re in on a joke, like we’re part of a club (#peachclub represent), like we’re actual people and not just faces in a crowd. And he is FUNNY. Like Chris Pratt-funny. Like dad joke-funny.

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It’s been a bit over a year since we last saw them, and even longer since they delivered their last album to our eager ears (2016, I believe). But they’ve been hunkered down for the past year, writing the new record, and it’s scheduled to drop this February! In the meantime, they embarked on this super quick run of intimate shows before jumping on another tour to support Hands Like Houses, and Pittsburgh just happened to be the FIRST STOP on this tour. Which means that we were the first ones to get a sneak peek at the new jams! They performed two of them for us that night, and Bradley made us swear we wouldn’t record it.

He told us to just be in the moment, but then laughed and said it was also because they weren’t even sure if these new songs were in final form, lol.

I don’t have anything to share, and I wouldn’t do that to them even if I did, but I can tell you that one of the songs had major Carly Rae Jepsen vibes to it and it fucking slapped.  If it’s any indication to how the rest of the album is going to flesh out, then get ready to hear a lot more about Emarosa, you guys. I think they’re not going to be my little secret for much longer.

But I’m ready to share them! They deserve all the exposure.

I love that Bradley was wearing a vintage Michael Jackson shirt and that the two girls in front of the stage were dramatically singing every song to each other and that some guy in the back kept screaming, “YOUR DRUMMER LOOKS LIKE POST MALONE!” and finally Bradley was like, “I KNOW, MY DRUMMER LOOKS LIKE POST MALONE” and that the crowd was just so pure and involved and THERE FOR IT.

I’m awful at remembering set lists, but I looked at the one for the show after ours, and I’m 99% sure it was the same:

• Blue
• Young Lonely (I love screaming this one)
• Helpless
• *new song*
• Miracle
• People Like Me… (so stoked for an older jam!)
• Cloud 9
• *new song*
• A Hundred Crowns
• Hurt
• Sure

Afterward, we begged for more and Bradley said they had time to do one more, but everyone had to agree on it, and it had to be something they already played (wtf lol) so of course everyone started screaming their choices, which Bradley narrowed down to “Helpless” and “Cloud 9” but then we all had to agree on one of those and Helpless won so I was so excited!

But then they played Cloud 9 again too! I KNOW THAT SOUNDS DUMB LIKE WOW THEY DID THE SAME SONGS TWICE BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY AND THE ENERGY IN THAT ROOM WAS OFF THE CHARTS!

Oh I felt cleansed.

Afterward, we hung back so that we could say what’s up to Bradley, but he ended up coming over to us on his own and gave us all hugs (I was annoyed that Henry got one too, though, because it made Henry feel like he was special or something lol) and we got to chat with him a bit about Emarosa’s upcoming album, more tours, special surprises — it was just really cool and I was so happy to see them again. It’s always a pleasure and I’m so glad that this went from something that I was into by myself to a band that my whole family loves, as Kumbaya as that sounds (I’m still Satan, so don’t get too excited).

Is it weird to say that I’m proud of them? Because I really am. That band was nearly decimated by their old singer, but they forged ahead and haven’t looked back. They are so much more than the post-hardcore band I first fell in love with ten (!!!) years ago.  Long live Emarosa. <3

To conclude, here are some Emarosa videos that I love a lot, in hopes that maybe some stranger out there will too!

YES OR YES??

I won’t be voting until after work, but I am so fucking ready. I am also so fucking nauseous. Let’s do this, guys.

• I was having a, well, Moody Monday, but then Sandy texted me that she saw Downtown Jesus having a rest outside of CVS, and it made me smile. I love that my co-workers text me now with Downtown Jesus’s whereabouts! I almost landed in his lap Friday morning when I was leaving the trolley station, because as I rounded the corner to take the steps, he was all sprawled out at the bottom and I almost stepped right onto his crotch! I feel like he would have forgiven me. #WWDTJD
• • But then I think about voting tomorrow and I’m right back in a MOOD. A REAL BIG MOOD, AT THAT.
• There’s another movie being filmed in Pittsburgh for some reason and so on Friday, there was a flurry of activity because it was going on right down the street from work. I guess Ewan McGregor* is in it? He’s not Korean, so DON’T CARE. Anyway, I went outside that afternoon for my daily walk and there was a crowd gathered on the sidewalk up ahead so I was like “I GUESS I WILL CROSS THE STREET” but before I had a chance, some FUCKING POLICE MAN came over and shouted at me (some might even say he BERATED me and by “some” I mean “me” when I write my letter to the mayor) that I was not permitted to continue walking along the sidewalk and that I would have to CROSS THE STREET at which point I scowled at him and said that I was well aware but then he fucking ESCORTED ME and I was so mad about this – I am already standing on weak, wobbly legs and this fucking pushed me over the edge. I was on the phone with Henry at the time and felt invincible so I started loudlymouthing off about how this jerk-cop was being rude to me and that this movie is SO DISRUPTIVE TO THE CITY because I turn into a bratty 15-year-old in the face of authority and start talking super loud so that everyone will know that I am upset about a thing, and Henry was like, “Please don’t get arrested.” Then I ran into my friend Chris and told her what happened and we had a moment of hateful solidarity because she gets it, man.
• *(CORRECTION: IT IS SETH ROGAN. THANK YOU, CARRIE!)
• SPEAKING OF FEELING INVINCIBLE: I lost two more pounds recently (thx, Noom) and anytime that happens, I start to feel invincible, like I can stuff any kind of foods into my fat maw and I will just miraculously keep losing weight; luckily Noom has been helping me veer away from that kind of destructive thinking. But I’ll tell you what doesn’t help: a co-worker bringing in not one but TWO majestic platters of pre-holiday cookies and I want to fucking SWAN DIVE into them, you have no idea. I’ve inventoried each one like 4 times in an hour because I am forever fat and during one of my inspections, I noticed that there are also BUCKEYES in there. I’m crying. Homemade baked goods are always coming for me.
• • TODD IS GETTING COOKIES RIGHT NOW AND I AM JEL.
• • • Pfft. Dieting, amirite?
• • • I will probs have a Snickerdoodle eventually though because YOLO and ‘why so srs,’ etc. etc. etc.
• This Is Us jumped on the Hallyu bandwagon and I was left feeling pretty uncomfortable after watching the last episode. It just didn’t feel like an organic story arc and even referencing kpop felt cheap to me. I really like this show but that was a big no for me, like they just want to put their big American meathooks into the Korean craze like all the other dumb media here.
• Speaking of kpop!! (LOL, like I need a segue for that.) I’m pretty excited about some recent comebacks. One is the mighty EXO, and it’s a really huge deal in Kpopland because they haven’t been given a proper comeback in over a year which is almost unheard of in this industry. They are super super super big in South Korea too so I can only imagine how exciting it is over there right now! Anyway, below, I will share their new video and also a live music show performance of their second song which I think I like better than the main single, actually. Also, I saw their album yesterday at Target. TARGET!!
• • Maybe This Is Us will have one of their songs on their next episode. ㅎㅎㅎㅎ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwd8N6K-sLk

(Chanyeol is my favorite, in case you were wondering.)

• When I ask Henry if we are definitely going back to Korea next summer, he says things like, “probably” and “I don’t see why not” and that’s great and all, but the answer I am looking for is a big fat solid YES.
• • I want to go there and have birthday bingsoo. If I have to turn 40, let it be while I’m face-first in some fancy-ass Sulbing.
• Today when I left work, IT WAS DARK OUT AND THAT MADE ME MOODY AGAIN.
• Then I came home and everyone immediately started fighting over Chooch’s stupid Halloween candy. The accusations were flung and flying, you guys, I forgot how much I LOVE this time of year.
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  Chooch and Henry mostly fight because Henry is a fucking chocolate hog and eats like 85% of Chooch’s haul every year, and then Henry gets all defensive and uses the “I AM THE PROVIDER OF THE HOUSE AND LAST TIME I CHECKED I CAN DO WHAT I WANT” and I’m like “HOW ABOUT ADDING ‘THROWING OUT WRAPPERS’ TO THAT LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN DO, BIG GUY!” because that’s the role I play in this annual argument – I don’t care who eats what, just fucking throw your garbage away, assholes! There was an Almond Joy wrapper on the coffee table and Chooch was like I DON’T EVEN LIKE ALMOND JOY and Henry was like, “I DID NOT EAT THAT” so now I guess I have to interrogate the cats and Trudy the Mannequin, OK. (AND NO IT WASN’T ME BUT HAD I KNOWN THERE WAS AN ALMOND JOY, YES, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ME.)

• • BUT I WOULD HAVE THROWN THE WRAPPER AWAY BECAUSE I’M NOT A BARBARIAN.
• Chooch and I just walked to CVS and he was all excited because his favorite cashier JOHN was working and I was happy too that it wasn’t that weird meth lady who ruined my Halloween candy buying experience last week. So we got in line and I was like, “Oh well, we’re not going to get John” because he was still checking out the people in front of us when the younger guy at the next register said he could take us.
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  Chooch got all dramatic like it was life or death for John to check us out so I awkwardly said, “Oh. Um, he’s…waiting for John…” and the younger guy (WHO I LIKE TOO BECAUSE HE ALWAYS SAYS WITTY THINGS THAT HENRY NEVER RESPONDS TO BECAUSE HE PROBABLY DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THEM) said, “Ugh, whatever! Fine!” and John was all, “What? What’s going on?” and the other guy said, “Ugh, they’re waiting for YOU!” all theatrically and it was hilarious. John peeked around the people in front of us, and when he saw who it was, he happily exclaimed, “OH! HENRY!” which is what he jokingly calls Chooch because Chooch goes there all the time after school and uses Henry’s phone number for the CVS card lookup thing so now John just refers to him as Henry as a joke. Meanwhile, the lines got all screwed up because of this because since we weren’t moving over to the other guy’s register, people behind us thought they had to stay in our line for some reason so John’s line was growing while the other guy was like, begging people to come to his register. Way to go Chooch.

• • When the girl in front of us left, she stopped to say that she loves my cow print coat and asked me where I got it, but I couldn’t remember which Young Girl store it was: Contempo, Delia’s, or Wet Seal; but in any case, it was probably 20 years ago so it’s basically vintage at this point.
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    I always feel like I’m such a plain jane but then cold weather comes and everyone is like I LOVE YOUR COAT. Anyway, she was disappointed when I didn’t say “Forever21, last weekend!”

• • One time, Chooch told me, “I like John a lot, that’s why I would never steal from CVS” and I was like, “That’s great but how about just don’t steal from anywhere because it’s wrong!?!?” Dum dum.

Well guys, we had a bunch of card orders come in today so I guess I’m going to wrap up this moody blog post and annoy Henry while he does card stuff. Be back later in the week with a recap of the Emarosa show (!!!!), stuff from Saturday night, and probably more Chooch haunted house reviews.

    Dark View’s theme this year was carnival, although every other year was a creepy house. We were the first ones here on this cold day, and by first ones I mean the first people to actually get in line. We got popcorn while we waited for a good time to get in line. I sat by the fire trying to warm up which helped a lot. We walked in line, making us the first in line. Not long after, the line started to fill up and more people came. We were placed in a group with a guy named Eddie and mum and him talked about horror movies and Conneaut, it was awkward. Eddie had 2 girls with him, they looked like they were the same age as me, 12. The old man that was there last year told us a story about how someone owned this carnival and had many freaks, but you can’t call them that anymore. He mentioned that there was a fat man, a sasquatch, and elastigirl. He said that people from all around the world came to see he because they liked to see her stretch her….then he motioned around the chest area. He then continued by saying that at least it wasn’t an elastiboy. He let us go and we went into a small shed, and sat down. Oh! I forgot, there were two other people in our group as well. When we sat down, a video started playing in front of us, it was a fat guy about to take our picture, but he was allergic to ugly people, so he had a rough time. He also kept farting and sneezing on us, so it held back the picture. He took 4 photos in total, and one of the was a jump scare behind us, and I wasn’t phased at all. 

   Then, onward we went into a showroom where some guy was doing magic. He said that he was going to make a clown doll disappear, then reappear. By disappear he meant throw over a wall, and by reappear he meant a giant clown was going to pop out from behind a wall. Then we enter the room where the animals were kept in cages. There was a sasquatch and a tiger, the sasquatch was farting and the tiger was growling. The next room was really cool because it was a closet type room with many clothes and then a giant teddy bear that turned out to be a real person. After a while, we realized that our group must be good because they went a decent speed and weren’t annoying. After the carnival, was a graveyard and the clown, Fatso, told us to call the caretaker stupid. The caretaker sighed and made us follow him through a crypt and then down a trail which had a house with an old lady sitting on the porch. When she noticed us, she started talking about how her mother made the best pumpkin pie and they had picnics in Parkview. Then she told us not to run in the forest because the trees will grab you by the ankle and trip you. Then I looked behind us and saw that there was a scarecrow walking slowly towards us. I was scared and wanted to go, then the lady told us to go and watch out for the tree people.

    I quickly realized that the tree people were men dressed in a Ghillie Suit and they were creepy. Then there was a lady who did rituals or something and she wanted to save some girl who was going to get sacrificed by a demon. The lady asked if two of us would sacrifice ourselves, so I raised my hand and another lady in our group did, too. The woman said in order to avoid getting killed, we had to walk slowly, do not run, and do not look back. If we do, he will kill us. So we went in the front of the group and walked very slow. We avoided looking back, while we heard other members in our group get caught looking back. We didn’t know when we were allowed to look back and run, so we just kept walking slowly, until we reached a cabin. The cabin was a hunting cabin and the guy who was outside of it told us to hurry in. Apparently, there was a zombie outbreak and they were trying to get in, so we stayed inside. Then all of a sudden, the lights shut off, they must have cut off the power circuit. The guy told us to run and when the lights turned back on, a zombie appeared from the shadows and ate the hunter. We ran and made it to a foggy fence maze. There was a sniper tower flashing a light down on the maze. We kept going through the maze and we saw a guy, I looked down at his hands, and he was holding a chainsaw. I held my breath and knew better than to run from when we went to Hundred Acres Manor because he would chase me. So I just kept going and he followed us while his chainsaw revved. Mum screamed and pushed me into the guy. She ran full speed ahead, but the guy didn’t chase her, so we all ran and made it to the end.

My opinion of Darkview this year is very good because I liked the part where we had to be very quiet and move slowly. 

Big Papa eating his Big Papacorn. <—ERIN WROTE THIS.

Sorry November, I still have some Halloween-y things to cover up in here.

One of my favorite haunts, Castle Blood, has a no-scare matinee that they do on Sundays, where they keep the lights on, there are no overt scares, and kids of all ages can wear a costume and go trick-or-treating through the house. As you may know, this place has been on haunted house mainstay list since the mid-90s, and we started taking Chooch to the matinees when he was two (though he quickly graduated to the actual nighttime tour).

Well, Calvin has him beat now because he just broke onto the haunted house scene at the young ol’ age of 1! I was so excited when Blake and Haley said they wanted take him! He even dressed up like a little werepup! Here are some snaps from our afternoon in an old, haunted funeral home.

Here he is being completely unimpressed in the parlor!

The cool thing about the Castle Blood matinees is that they still do the whole story/adventure so even though the lights are on, you still get to solve the puzzles and barter for talisman so it’s a win for adults too (especially when Haley grabs a Snickers out of one of the candy bowls for you after your own so blatantly ignores your request).

Calvin was completely smitten with the psycho lab assistant.

We were just there two nights prior to this so Chooch knew all the answers to the puzzles. Our friend Chris was working in the lab that day and when we saw him afterward, he said, “I’m glad I caught you guys! Riley solved that puzzle in the lab faster than anyone has this whole season,” and Henry and I looked at each other, like, “Should we tell him?” Lol. To be fair though, he solved it the first night we were there too, but not as immediately as he did that day!

(I wouldn’t have been able to figure it out, so props to my kid, even though we’re in constant competition with each other, ugh.)

Chooch was scared because he knew his new frenemy was coming up – a super surly spider queen who snapped at him for daring to put his foot on her throne.

Chooch adores Calvin, it’s pretty awesome.

GUYS, WE WON. And Chooch and Haley didn’t even fight once!

It was really fun and I’m glad we got to expose Calvin to the creepier side of Halloween at such a young age so that someday soon, he’ll hopefully be joining us on the annual haunted house hop. GOTTA START ‘EM YOUNG, GUYS.

Chooch will be back on here at some point with his recap of our nighttime Castle Blood tour; his friend Liam came with us and I was so excited to show up with a new recruit!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my Taemin videos on YouTube.

Man, this was one of the most apathetic Halloweens ever. I was trying to keep in good spirits because historically, this has always been my favorite holiday but it felt like no one was in  the mood. I mentioned this previously, but Chooch was just like *hands in the sky* as far as costume ideas went.

(Maybe he should have been the Cure’s “Edge of the Deep Green Sea” PROPS IF YOU GET THAT REFERENCE.)

Finally the night before, he texted me when I was still at work because of course I was late shift the night before Halloween and not home jerryrigging together some elaborate costume for him because he is TWELVE NOW AND I AM SUPPOSED TO NOT BE CARING ABOUT THIS SHIT ANYMORE. So he texts me and says he’s going to be One-Punch Man and: “I need yellow pants, a yellow jacket, a bald cap, and red boots and gloves.”

“Oh and a cape.”

UM, THE FUCK YOU DO.

By the time I came home from work, it was 8PM. Still no decision. I was like, “DON’T CARE DON’T CARE DON’T CARE” because I am retired.

But ugh, I felt bad for him because he was struggling and I know that this could potentially be his last time trick-or-treating, who knows, so I sat there and secretly brainstormed about relevant things, and “Hereditary” popped into my head because we watched that last month and loved it so I showed him a picture of Peter as King Paimon and he was like, “YES. YES, THAT IS THE WINNER.”

And it was so easy! All I had to do was pull Henry out of bed and send him to Burger King for a crown (“I can’t just walk in and ask for a crown,” he mumbled, trying to get out of it. “THEN ORDER AN ICED TEA, MOTHER FUCKER” I yelled, and he was on his way.) which we then spray painted gold (always have gold spray paint on hand, have you SEEN my house?).

Right before Chooch left the house yesterday for trick-or-treating, Henry bandaged his nose and I thickened his eyebrows and gave him a mole.

THAT WAS IT. BYE NOW.

This was almost as easy as the Kevin Bacon costume, and definitely cheaper! Plus, Chooch’s friend Trevor said it was an amazing idea for a costume, and this may have been the first time ever that someone Chooch’s actual age knew what he was supposed to be. So that was another win.

(Although I still think the one Top 40 song title idea I had for this year would have been good but BLAKE made me question it. MAYBE ANOTHER TIME.)

Since Chooch is way beyond the age where it’s acceptable for MOMMY to  tag along, this was my first year staying home and passing out candy since he was born, you guys. (I stayed home last year too but I didn’t pass out candy because I got drunk off soju instead and pouted.)

(And the only reason I still went with him two years ago was because he was Bullet with Butterfly Wings and could barely see where he was going, so he needed parental helpers with him.)

Sorry, I get distracted by thoughts.

Earlier that day, I had walked to CVS to get candy. There were signs that said some of the candy was Buy 1 Get 1 (in Korea, they call that 1+1 so that’s what I say in my head when I see dumb American BOGO signs) but the date said 10/27 so I decided not to chance it and only grabbed one, plus a bag of some other not-on-sale assortment. When I got in line, I noticed that there were more displays of the 1+1 candy, so I decided I would inquire about the validity once I got to the register.

And then I saw it was the weird, probable Meth-head lady who started several months ago and she has ZERO personality, like even less than me, so negative personality I guess, and she just makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

(Or, as Chooch’s neighbor friend would say, “uncomfy.”)

And she’s kind of dumb too. There, I said it.

But still, I pressed my luck and asked, “Is that buy one get one candy sale still good for today even though the date on it says 10/27?”

She looked at me like I was the one on the Meth.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

I reiterated my question, this time making large gestures and using smaller words.

She seemed to understand now.

“Oh, no. That’s…..no, that’s not,” she slurred.

OK then.

So she started ringing up my candy.

“Oh, this one is buy one get one, so you can go get another if you want,” she said to me, in a tone that did not imply at ALL that we had previously discussed this.

I just looked at her and then slowly said, “Yeah, that’s what I was asking you.”

“Oh, I didn’t know what you were asking,” she said, staring at me blankly.

?!??!?! Isn’t this like Basic Cashier 101?!

There was a line behind me now so I quickly ducked out of line and grabbed another bag of candy from the big 1+1 display.

“Oh, it has to be the same kind,” she said BUT DOES IT THO?! It was the same price, from the same display, part of the same sale!?

Again, there was a line so I just sighed and grabbed a second bag of glow-in-the-dark-wrapper Kit Kats as quickly as possible because fuck it all, man. I hate shopping.

There is no big ending to this story, I was just thinking about it and how annoyed I was when some choosy girl picked one of the Kit Kits out of the bowl last night and I swear to god DISGUSTEDLY asked me what kind it was and I wanted to be like HEMLOCK but I just sweetly told her that it was regular with a special wrapper SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT, HONEY.

Because when that happened, it made me start thinking about my annoying time in CVS all over again and it’s just a vicious cycle!

Anyway, I was excited for like a second to hand out candy last night since it’s been so long since I last did this. I got my first customer before it was even 5:30, like slow down little ma’am, you know? But then she turned out to be Asian so I was like “HERE HAVE 5 SNICKERS AND AN INVITATION TO BE MY LITTLE SISTER.”

Sorry, that was creepy.

I quickly remembered that I’m not a huge fan of kids though so this was a good acting challenge for me. I thought I was doing SUPER good but Henry, who was being a couch spectator, sneered at me and said I sounded fake as hell, especially when some dumb kid fell on my porch and I asked him, apparently in Robot Staccato, if he was OK.

OK, I admit that portion of the night was pretty fucking awkward.

And I never once asked anyone who they were supposed to be because I didn’t care, not even a little.

The kids were few and far in between, but I performed a spirited variation of the Running Man while waiting.

“This is my ‘waiting for trick or treaters’ dance,” I said to Henry.

“Then you’re going to be doing that a lot,” Henry mumbled, because our street hardly ever gets trick-or-treaters.

I diligently paused my K-Drama every time I saw someone approaching – I had the front door open because it was warm last night. This was mostly fine except for this one time when I saw someone coming so I jumped up and grabbed the bowl just as the person had reached my porch and was straight peering into my house.

I opened the door and thrust the bowl at him, but he waved me off and said, “Oh I’m sorry, I have the wrong house. I’m looking for my aunt” and as he turned to leave, Henry said to me, “Why would you think that was a trick-or-treater? He was an adult. HE HAD A BEARD.”

I’M SORRY, MY EYES ARE BAD AND MY HOPES ARE HIGH.

I told some little bitch to take two and she took like 6 and I was starting to get angry when I realized two things:

1. I was STILL going to have like 90 pieces of candy left over;
2. She probably was below counting-age.

My last customers had very deep voices. I don’t know what they were dressed as, but they definitely had costumes on and they were very polite to me. I dumped fistfuls into their reusable Trader Joe’s shopping bags and as I came back in the house, Henry incredulously asked, “Were those guys your age?!”

I just shrugged. Who cares. They were in costume and said trick or treat, so they broke no HalloLaw in my book. YOU KNOW!?

Meanwhile, Henry was like where is our son, because it was past 7:30.

I joked and said he was probably at the Teen Center because that’s always the best guess. A few minutes later, Chooch came stumbling through the door around 8, like someone’s dad coming home from the war. It was super dramatic. He flung his sugar-swollen pillowcase over his shoulder and onto the chair and started jawing off about this house and that house, and taking a different route, and losing the neighbor kid on purpose because he didn’t want to get stuck with the kid’s weird stepdad, and now he had no one to hold him back, and then he went to the Teen Center—

“KNEW IT!” I cried.

“Well, my bandaids were coming off and I went there to get new ones!” he yelled in defense.

As usual, mostly no one knew who he was supposed to be, and he said a lot of people were concerned that his nose-injury was real.  He was proud of that.

He also went to Coco’s house! Remember the dog we helped catch over the summer and it was a super big deal even though Henry doesn’t believe that it was because he was too busy at home, sleeping? Well the owners of Coco recognized Chooch and in addition to his candy, they gave him a pencil and a ruler which I think they just randomly grabbed from a junk drawer so that Chooch would feel rewarded.

Well, it worked, because he was so excited to show us.

Who knew King Paimon was such a dork.

And then Chooch and I watched the finale of last season’s The Walking Dead (#omg) so all in all, not the worst Halloween.

Still, I hope Chooch marries someone who won’t get in my way when it comes to being a Halloween Costume Grandma, because I STILL HAVE IDEAS.