When we first decided* we were going to Tennessee for Thanksgiving weekend, I figured we’d get in sometime Saturday evening, have dinner or something, and then go to DOLLYWOOD on Sunday, because that was legitimately the sole impetus of this trip.

*(See also: when I decided and told Henry and Chooch we were going to Tennessee for Thanksgiving weekend.)

But then Henry was like, “Let’s just leave sometime Friday evening, drive halfway, and then have most of Saturday to do the Tennessee things.”  Who is this Captain Funtime Spirit using Henry as a host body!? I was stoked on this idea and we even got along the whole night in the car and only fought once on Saturday while still in West Virginia, when I was angry and had my typical knee-jerk temper explosion all over not being able to find my conditioner when I woke up Saturday morning. And then Henry told me to “end it” which is basically just the same as telling me to CALM DOWN which he doesn’t do anymore, but I can see we’re going to have a battle over semantics here soon.

We arrived in Pigeon Forge sometime around 1:00pm, I think. It would have been later than that if Henry had given in to my desire to tour the BUSH’S BAKED BEANS FACTORY. I was heart-broken when we drove past the visitor center and I saw tourists out there posing with all the baked beans signs, living their best gassy lives.

Once we hit that main drag in Pigeon Forge, the one that’s like the Las Vegas strip of tourist traps, Chooch’s eyes lit up like an orphan about to dive into a hot bowl of porridge.

Here are the highlights from Saturday, aka Every Single Thing We Did because it was such a great FAMILY FUNTIME day, as Chooch would call it. We love us some funtime.

POORLY PLANNED LUNCH!

Apparently, Pigeon Forge loves pancakes. There are pancake house everywhere! But you know what pancake houses are notorious for? Closing at 2-fucking-PM. So, no pancake houses for us. Then we were going to eat at some Cuban place I found on shitty Yelp but I got irrationally mad when we pulled up and found that it was in a strip mall-ish area. I didn’t want to eat in a strip mall! By then, we were halfway to Gatlinburg and I didn’t want to go too far away because we still needed to go back to our hotel so Chooch could change clothes for his Cool Boy Smoky Mountain Photoshoot since they let us check in but then the maid had literally JUST started cleaning our room so we just dumped our bags, hung out in the fitness room for a bit so I could walk like a freak on the treadmill after being in the car all morning, and then left for lunch.

So when we saw the Wild Bear Tavern, I screamed, “FUCK IT, JUST STOP HERE, I DON’T CARE.” Hilariously, it ended up being a German restaurant. First of all, German food and vegetarians rarely mesh well. Second of all, the last time we ate a German restaurant was in 2011 (OMG the same year we were last in Tennessee too!) and Henry and I both got major food poisoning. We were with two other people that night who didn’t get sick at all and the only common denominator was the apple strudel that Henry and I had for dessert so I guess we were poisoned by the Evil Queen? Henry has been terrified of German food ever since so he opted for a burger and Chooch and I both ordered grilled cheese from the kids menu and the waitress was just like, “Why did you come here, tho?”

I did get a side of spaetzel though which was drowning in a pool of melted, watery cheese so it was kind of like German mac n’ cheese I guess and not even close to being as glorious as the spaetzel my Pappap used to make for Christmas. He was the spaetzel king.

Chooch got like 3 new stains on his hoodie just from lunch because he eats like a three-year-old, so going back to the hotel afterward was imperative! Luckily, our room was done for real that time.

TRAIL MIX CHOKING!

Next up was the aforementioned Cool Boy Smoky Mountain Photoshoot! The highlight of this for us, don’t hate, was when we were driving back down the mountains to go  to Gatlinburg and Henry started choking on trail mix to the point where one lone tour dripped down his cheek and Chooch and I were going WILD over this. Then we were just like, “OMG please stop choking!” and it reminded me of how Glenn always chokes on peanuts at work. Good job being like Glenn, Henry. Anyway, Tuesday night, I was like, “Hey Chooch remember when Dad was choking on trail mix?” and  then we were crying because we were laughing so hard at the three-day-old memory and Henry called us a bunch of fuckers.

MYSTERIOUS MANSION!!

I wanted to do this the last time we were in Tennessee but it was before Chooch was wild about going to haunted houses and no one else thought it was a Super Great Idea like I did, so I did not go.

But this time I was determined, and Chooch was pretty hyped up about it too. It took us a while to get through the Gatlinburg tourist traffic, but once we found somewhere to park, it was just a short walk from there. Henry was like, “I am not going in this thing, have fun” but had to come in anyway to pay for us, haha.

It was relatively “cheap” by haunted house standards ($13 for me, $8 for Chooch; something like that) and the ticket booth guy gave us the run-down in a melodramatic tone without making eye contact with us once. It was weird. But also, thank you for not looking at me, ticket guy.

Anyway, he sent us into a waiting room which was very dim and themed like an old-fashioned sitting room with a fireplace. There was a family of 5 waiting for us to join them, and then the ticket guy came over the intercom and told us it was time to find our way out of the room.

We were allowed to touch everything and push things, so that was really cool, and eventually we figured out that the fireplace had to be pushed in order for an entrance to be found. Every single person in that family (a mom, a SUPER TALL dad, a young son and daughter, and a SUPER TALL teenaged daughter) were absolutely paralyzed with fear and holding on to each other, so finally I offered to go first and they were basically treating me like a fucking hero, like I was some chick Van Helsing or something. It was HILAR. These people totally made the haunted house that much better for us, Chooch and I both agreed, which is no small feat because we barely agree on the color of the sky these days.

They were absolutely latched on to us and at first, I thought to myself, “Wow, this haunted house isn’t even that—-”  but then SHIT STARTED TO GO DOWN. Basically, without writing a goddamn screenplay, we were being stalked and terrorized by the same two or three guys and they were effective as fuck. One of them kept making a raptor-like sound in our faces, and at one point, we had walked up a staircase and were crossing a balcony-like hallway that overlooked the downstairs when one of them JUMPED FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE INTO THE HALLWAY WE WERE IN and I’ll tell you what, that family started a veritable stampede and I thought we were going to get turned into one a Pigeon Forge pancake for real. My throat hurt from screaming and laughing and scream-laughing! Oh shit, Chooch and I were cracking up so bad, this family was the limit.

At one point, the SUPER TALL daughter had my arm in a death grip, but she was pulling it behind my back at an uncomfortable angle, and then one of those guys came back to terrorize us some more and I was bracing myself for the crunch of cartilage as she snapped my arm back, but luckily I was able to break free. Her mom was holding on to my back and eventually realized what she was doing and said, “I AM SO SORRY. WE ARE REALLY DOING THE MOST RIGHT NOW” and I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to tell her it was fine. But real talk – if Chooch and I had gone through on our own, I might have had to utilize an emergency exit because it really like some real life terror situation at times. And the theming inside the house was great too, from what I was able to see in the flurry of hysteria going on around me. So damn good, would recommend. Exceeded expectations!

KILLING TIME IN G-BURG

We weren’t hungry yet so we decided to just walk around Gatlinburg and count how many times we got to say NOPE every time Chooch would excitedly point out some arcade or shooting gallery. Ripley’s pretty much owns eastern Tennessee, I’ve learned, so every other tourist attraction we passed had their name on it. We did some of that stuff last time, but ever since that duck boat tragedy last summer, I have been determined to boycott those motherfuckers so all I had to say was, “No, Ripley’s killed people” and then Chooch said, “Oh, I didn’t know” and NEVER ASKED AGAIN.

It was wonderful.

We walked by Christ in the Smokeys and I got a picture of Christ all dressed up in twinkle lights for Christmas to send to our friend Bill, who I dragged there along with us last time, but he admitted it was a real diamond in the rough. Of course it was!

Just in case I ever started to forget that we were in the south, we’d walk past a souvenir shop that had several pro-Trump novelty shirt hanging in the window. Yup. Cool fucking story.

MELLOW MUSHROOM!

We ate at the Pigeon Forge location twice last time we were there and all I could remember was that I had something with tempeh, so I wanted to go back because tempeh is one of my favorite vegetarian foods and also, we were in the South and my veg options were slim.

Admittedly, it wasn’t as great as I remembered, but it was still a nice dinner. Henry got the Holy Shiitake mushroom pizza so I could have a slice, Chooch got something with two different kinds of tomatoes and then remembered he doesn’t like tomatoes so he had to pick them off but supposedly liked whatever remained, and I got that tempeh sandwich thing which was great but not like, “OH SHIT I HAVE TO WRITE SEVERAL PARAGRAPHS IN MY BLOG ABOUT THIS” great.

I had a beer and I normally don’t drink very often anymore so I was pretty much plastered. Henry asked me what I ordered and I honestly have no idea, it was whatever the waiter recommended when I told him I only really like wheat beers. It was OK! I drank the whole glass! But it wasn’t very big, so….

We found the fountain where Bill almost actually drowned Chooch when he was pretending to drown him, lol.

(I know I’m referencing our last trip here so much but you have to understand that it was an epic time, and Chooch and Bill even have a commemorative book for it.)

Right after this, we walked past a bunch of small kids who were singing some song, that went like, “I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N” and passers-by were straight charmed by this Flanders-esque display of religion, but not us. We were gagging and trying to push our horns back into our scalps. There’s only one thing worse than kids and it’s RELIGIOUS kids.

We watched this guy poop out taffy logs from a machine. I also bought Ole Smoky moonshine taffy at some other candy store for work and Henry was pissed because my work always gets all the candy.

JURASSIC JUNGLE OAT RIDE!

After walking off our dinner, we went back to Pigeon Forge so that Chooch and I go on the Jurassic Jungle Boat Ride!

Or, Oat Ride, I guess.

Now look, you don’t need to read the reviews to know that this is going to be a hokey trip through a glorified warehouse, but I NEEDED TO DO THIS. Henry kept saying it was going to be a rip-off, but he still handed over the credit card to the bored teenager working the ticket booth, and then he promptly went back and sat in the car while Chooch and I boarded a boat, or oat, with another family of suckers tourists.

That one dummy looks like a psycho Nick Jonas.

Sooooo…..it was actually pretty horrific in that I felt like we could have potentially been murdered in there. It was so dark (except for the jackass dad’s phone flashlight that he had turned on for THE ENTIRE RIDE because he was recording THE ENTIRE RIDE. Bro, that shit’s already on YouTube, don’t re-do it.) Chooch and I were especially terrified of the larger-than-life, extremely and inexplicably buff pterodactyl that was perched in anger above us.

We had so many questions.

I mean, I’m no dinosaur expert, but many things in there did not add up.

Overall, IT WAS FUCKING GREAT! Chooch started applauding sarcastically at the end, so then the mom of the family in front of us turned around and also started clapping but I think she actually meant it.

But yeah, if you’re into supremely tacky tourist shit from the 1970s, then this will be the jam to your peanut buttered travel itinerary.

I might still be drunk from that beer.

WHEN CHOOCH DIVORCED HIMSELF FROM THE FAMILY

We went back to the hotel after the Jurassic thing so we could drop the car off and just walk to play mini golf — HENRY’S IDEA! He must have been having so much fun hemorrhaging money on family time.

But it was hard to cross the big bad Pigeon Forge tourist highway so we couldn’t go to the mini golf place that Chooch originally chose and had to pick one of the dozens of places on the side we were already on.

So we chose Professor Hacker’s Lost Treasure, where Chooch finally realized after all this time that he sucks at mini golf.

I was so giddy by this point of the night, and spent most of the time doubled over in laughter while Chooch was practically roid-raging over his inability to get the ball in the hole in less than 9 strokes while Henry was looking up flights for one from Knoxville to Pittsburgh.

I sincerely don’t know how we didn’t get kicked out.

But most importantly, I won! Taemin’s wife always wins!

Somehow we missed an entire hole, Chooch lost his ball right at the end which resulted in him having a major psychiatric break and so he stormed off back to the hotel ahead of us, I nearly laughed myself to death because I’m a great mom, and Henry kept mumbling about wanting ice cream but then he never got ice cream.

We made it back to the hotel and almost immediately crashed. It’s amazing that we managed to mostly get along so well!

(Although, there was one time earlier that day when Chooch was trying to make a video for Instagram and got mad later when he realized you could hear Henry and me arguing in the background. I asked him what we were saying and he said we were arguing about where something was and then he imitated me saying, “That’s literally what I just said” and I said that he made me sound like a sassy teenage girl. “Yeah. That’s because that’s what you sound like,” he said in a way that implied it was NOT a compliment.

Rude.)

Taking a break from words today to share four kpop MVs that are getting lots of play in my house.

1. The new NCT 127 slays, as expected. I think I finally have an NCT bias, and it’s Haechan! Now I have a curiously sudden urge to bedazzle my gas mask:

2. This song by newcomers Fanatics-Flavor reminds me of the girl group songs that originally got me into kpop: it’s quirky, colorful, and VERY kpop:

3. Guys, Key from SHINee released his first solo album and it’s *fire emoji*. This is the second MV from it and it features Crush, whom I also love. Support Key, support SHINee!!!

4. This next song came out last week and I must have watched this MV 100 times on Thanksgiving.

EXID was one of the first girl groups I stanned, and this comeback is significant because it’s the much-anticipated of their leader, Solji (second from the left in the YouTube thumbnail below), who sat on the sidelines for over a year due to complications with hyperthroidism.

  This new song is DAEBAK and the MV is classic EXID.

It’s all saturated colors,  simple yet mesmerizing choreo, and effortless comedy.

SO THERE YOU GO. Four music videos that you can either ignore or watch, maybe even send to a coworker or show the guy next to you on the bus.

The last time we were in Tennessee was in 2011 with our friends Bill and Jessi, and we missed them so much this time around! I remember when they invited us to go with them that year, I was like, “Ew, Tennessee. What’s even in Tennessee?” and then found out that this area in particular is A FUCKING WONDERLAND. It has something for everyone! Country crap for country people. Old people shit for old people. Church garbage for Christians. Outdoor junk for nature nerds. AND A ZILLION TOURIST TRAPS FOR ME.  We will get to all that stuff later.

On Saturday, aka Dollywood Eve, we made some time for some Smoky Mountain action, because you can’t go to the Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area without doing at least a little bit of nature shit.  I made sure Chooch changed out of his stained hoodie (literally got like 48 stains on it just in the four hours it took us to get from our hotel in Beckley, WV to Tennessee — just watching him eat lunch made me realize that I failed as a mom because my kid is 12 and still needs a bib) and into socially-acceptable garb beforehand, and then we set off for the Great Smoky National Park or whatever, where Henry was immediately at wit’s end with us and praying for a bear attack.

He’s so mean. :(

I’m not the most nature-y person, but damn, it’s really fucking beautiful there you guys. Not a bad view anywhere. (Unless someone with a MAGA hat gets in your line of vision.)

Second time in the Smokies and I still don’t know how to spell it.

Senior picture practice.

He’s a good sport (mostly) about these photoshoots and always has a pose or two of his own to contribute. Um, like this one.

We actually kind of got along during our scenic stroll through the bear-laden woods. (I was so afraid of getting attacked! Are they hibernating yet? I’M NOT SURE!) I felt like we were, I don’t know, making family memories or something. Like some day, Chooch will fondly recount this day to his future kids and they’ll be like, “What’s a mountain? What’s a tree?”

OMG WHY DID I TYPE THAT NOW I’M SO DEPRESSED.

Mood.

Here’s some more that I took with my phone-y-phone-la-la-la.

My favorite part was when Chooch and I were practicing exaggerated walking moves from Leslie Sansone walking workouts and didn’t realize that there was a family having some type of celebratory picnic nearby, watching our every move. THEY WERE SO JEALOUS OF OUR CREATIVE WALKING. I think this was the point where Henry ran back to the car ahead of us and tried to lock us out.

It’s nothing short of a miracle that he didn’t:

• faceplant on a rock
• fall into the water and get swept away into the jaws of a bear

How many murders have happened in these woods.

In Korean, the word for mountain is SAN (산) which you would know IF YOU READ MY KOREA TRAVEL BLOG POSTS.

God, you guys. The things you could learn from this stupid blog! IT IS A TREASURE TROVE OF TRIVIA.

We kept making Henry pull over at overlooks and he was getting so pissed because people weren’t parking to his liking.

We came here last time too!

Man, for only being in Tennessee for two days, I have so much to tell you! So, check back or whatever.

It’s 8:05am and we’re waiting for Henry to check out of the hotel (the Ramsay – actually not a shit hole!). I wanted to have been on the road much earlier but no one listens to me. Anyway, I’m live-blogging because this is an 8-hour drive and I need to stay occupied or else I’ll start picking fights with Henry – which I’ll do anyway, who am I kidding LOLOL.

The mysterious bruise on my thumb went away but now I have a mysterious cut on my finger that even cut thorough my nailpolish?? It hurts but it’s not bleeding.

8:14am: So here we is y’all at the Red Rooster Pancake House where Chooch was thrown off that there is NO LEMONADE on the menu and proceeded to act like it was his first time ordering in a restaurant and kept looking at us with frantic PHONE A FRIEND eyes and we were like psychically coaxing him to just order chocolate milk and then when it was time to order breakfast, he got eggs and toast and ordered the eggs like a pro (overeasy FTW) but then he complicated the toast part of the order by making her run down the whole bread inventory and then asking “do you have Texas toast?” and we were like OH COME ON and she was like “Oh no, honey lololol” in her thick southern drawl like he just asked to see the Alamo’s bread pantry.

This waitress hates us so bad.

Ugh some old song just came on and I could vividly remember it playing in my pappap’s kitchen when I was little and now I’m crying in the Red Rooster Pancake House.

9:04: I couldn’t stand that bitch GPS voice so I made Henry change it to Santa, who just now told us that there was a cop reported up ahead. “Thanks, Santa,” Henry mumbled.

10:24: Chooch has me playing some word game called Letter Press and he is cheating sooooooo bad it’s not even funny.

We just stopped at Sheetz and Chooch and I got so riled up that Henry threw our stuff at us when we got back in the car and then he started eating a banana that I got for myself but didn’t want because it wasn’t done enough so then that set Chooch and me off all over again and we almost peed and then Henry yelled IF YOU PEE YOURE SITTING IN IT! and then he saw some guy sitting alone in an RV and said he wished he was him.

11:10am: Stupid GPS Santa keeps calling us Comet but what if I want to be Donner?! LIKE THE DONNER PARTY.

11:24am: Mino’s solo album dropped today and the MV for “Fiancé” is fire. I watched it this morning in the hotel while Henry struggled to pack everything on his own. I don’t care what anyone says, YG has the best rappers in Korea. DON’T @ ME.

12:33pm: One of our favorite road trip games to play is calling out HENRY LOOKED! HENRYS WANTS TO GO THERE! every time we pass billboards for adultmarts and strip clubs. Henry just blocks us out now.

1:26pm: Hello from some highway in WV! We ate a quick lunch at Sheetz (ballin’) and now we’re en route to some monster museum in Sutton WV. Speaking of museums, I need to call the Bayernhof Museum to schedule a tour for this Saturday but every time I tried to dial the number I started to crack up because I’m so giddy so finally I admitted defeat and Henry said he would do it for me next time we stop YES ANOTHER VICTORY!

2:40: We just rolled up in Sutton and Henry read the welcome sign out loud. I thought he said “bitchin’ history and hospitality” but it actually said “rich in history and hospitality” which is less rad.

3:03: Wow so the Flatwoods Monster Museum was pretty amazing! I mean, if you have low expectations. They had the documentary playing and it was creppy (autocorrect is always trying to change this to creepy ugh). Basically A UFO CRASHED THERE in the 50s and a bunch of boys and some old broad SAW A MONSTER and experienced symptoms similar to those that MUSTARD GAS cause but also HYSTERIA!!! So you tell me!!!

We’re back in the car and cracking up so bad at everything and Henry is like NO ONE IS LAUGHING and I’m like CAN YOU NOT COUNT BECAUSE TWO PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING?!

Anyway, that was a fun detour! Henry probably disagrees.

He actually bought us this adorable miniature Flatwoods monster but then bitched about it being EXPENSIVE.

Then we saw this creppy Santa on the way back to the car.

Chooch is playing this dumb Scattergories-type game; the letter was P and the thing was “Things You Find in a Bedroom” so Chooch and I simultaneously screamed PLAYBOY and PENIS while Henry calmly and vanilla-ly suggested PILLOW lol Henry you’re so square.

4:34pm: Oh god, we were just talking about the Dollywood coasters and then I said, “Remember when they went to an amusement park on The Smile Has Left Your Eyes??” which is the last drama that Henry and I just watched and in fact, I refused to leave for this road trip on Friday until we watched the finale because I knew it would bother me all weekend otherwise and turns out, it was THE MOST TRAGIC KDRAMA I have seen yet and the impact it has had on me is so ridiculous, so my weekend was totally affected by it anyway because I just started crying after saying that to Henry and he was like, “…oh my god” because the whole way to Tennessee I was dissecting the entire show and then I would start wailing WHYYYYYYYY in the stylings of a Korean Kerrigan.

Honestly, this drama was spectacular and I highly recommend it if you’re looking for a thriller / emotional roller coaster.

4:57pm: One more hour to go! I just said, “It doesn’t seem like we’ve been driving that long” and in tandem, Chooch piped up from the backseat, “I know!” while Henry frowned deeply.

“I guess that’s because we’ve been playing those games,” I said, all up-beat, and this made Henry’s frown deepen into something more murderous.

5:38pm: “Nice turn signal, a-hole” — Henry, in a very calm voice to someone in a minivan.

We are 35 minutes from home and I have to pee BUT I DONT WANT TO STOP DO YOU THINK I WILL MAKE IT? Also I forgot to mention that at our last Sheetz stop, Henry had the nerve to tell me and Chooch that we are embarrassing. WE ARE?? He’s the one who dresses like an off-duty trucker shopping for guns and jerky!! I just started cracking up after I wrote that because I’m the only person I make laugh, and Henry tried to quote an IU song where she says “Stu-p-i-d” but he completely fucked it up so then I started laughing harder and now he won’t talk to me.

5:45pm: Chooch and I are playing that letterpress game again and he just cried in anguish from the backseat, “I wish there was a P because I wanted to play ‘pansexual'” and I cried OMG ME TOO and Henry just shot me a glare. Eyes on the road, partner.

6:00pm: 17 minutes from home! I’d like to thank all the new Kpop drops, Chooch inviting me to play Letter Press or whatever it’s called, and Henry’s willingness to be the laughing stock of the car. BITCH LASAGNA.

6:19pm: We’re a mile from home and Henry just said we’re the stupidest people he’s ever met and this is the last trip he’s taking with us, so there you have it! The official ending of the liveblog!

We made it safely to Tennessee! Now we gotta convince Henry that he really really really wants to take us to the Gatlinburg haunted house.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend & eating lots of Thanksgiving leftovers!

Look man I was just happy to have some days off work where I didn’t have to trudge to the damn trolley in premature winter temps. Plus, we’re leaving for Tennessee later today (Dollywood!) so I was content having nothing to do on actual Thanksgiving. My mom and I are both pretty meh about the holiday so I don’t mind that she doesn’t want to host anymore.

But then Chooch pulled out his vegetarian cookbook the night before and was all, “Papa*, I’m going to find some recipes for you for tomorrow” and then I was like, “Oh shit. The kid. We should probably do something for the kid.” Lol.

*(What Chooch calls Henry when he’s trying to pretend like we’re like a wholesome family.)

So then Henry was like I GUESS I AM GOING TO THE STORE THEN and set off on Thanksgiving Eve to procure the tofurkey which is usually sold out because he waits too long. I remember way back in the day when we had to drive like 45 minutes to some weird health store to get one because regular grocery stores didn’t sell stuff like that and I got made fun of for eating it but no one bats an eye. Changing times, etc etc.

The first half of the day consisted of Leslie Sansone walking workouts (lol), kdramas but no family drama, watching Henry cook & clean, looking at Kpop idols, freaking out over a mystery bruise on my thumb, and planning all our amusement park trips for 2019. It was splendid! (Not the bruise part though, I’m mildly alarmed by it.)

I was in such a good mood that I even felt inspired to decorate for Christmas:

Chooch was all excited when I told him I decorated and then said, “…oh” when he saw it.

Since there was just the three of us and we’re going away this weekend, Henry kept the spread the simple: a tofurkey for Chooch and me (he made gross chicken for himself because he doesn’t like real turkey), whatever garlicky mashed potato recipe Chooch found, and a completely revamped version of the broccoli rabe & white bean casserole recipe that Chooch also requested, because Henry couldn’t find broccoli rabe at 8pm on Thanksgiving Eve so he used regular broccoli and brussels sprouts instead and it was delicious.

(I don’t even know what broccoli rabe is and I know for damn sure Chooch doesn’t either, so this made no difference to us.)

Henry kept yelling at us from the kitchen to start eating but we were like NO WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUUUUUU IT’S THANKSGIVING.

But it was really because we needed him to plate our Tofurkey.

Oh Lord, we got so giddy right away and Chooch had a Code Red laughing fit which caused him to flee the table in search of a Kleenex, so you know Henry was in a great mood! That combined with the fact that the same NCT 127 song was playing repeatedly in the background really completed the mood. Look at Henry’s delirious face! I think deep down, he’s thankful for us, lunacy and all, even if he sometimes must feel like he’s living in an asylum.

Tofurky looks like a giant hotdog butt.

After dinner, Chooch and I continued our tradition of watching birthday party videos on YouTube (4th year!). We found a whole slew of new million subscriber families to hate! I called the one birthday girl and all her friends “a bunch of bitches” and Chooch was like “Aren’t they like three?!”

OK now for the Friday Five portion, which is FIVE THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR:

1. Korea (Henry and Chooch rolled their eyes when we went around the table and “gave thanks” and this was of course the first thing I said and whatever because Chooch just kept saying “Bambi” over and over and now that I think about it, I don’t think Henry said ANYTHING!?
2. Having a job that I like – yeah, I know, I complain about it at times, who doesn’t complain about having to leave the house to go to work?! But when you’ve had jobs that have made you sick to your stomach and have panic attacks while paying you pennies, getting one where you feel comfortable and needed is really something to be thankful for.  Thanks, job!
3. The willpower to get in shape – when I first started dieting in 2012 I was just about 200 pounds.  I did WW for a bit and got myself down to about 170 but it was a struggle. I had no energy! I was miserable! I can’t remember when I started spending my lunch break hour walking around downtown, but that helped me get my energy back and also kept my weight stable so I wasn’t gaining, but I also wasn’t really losing anything either. Since starting my own routine in 2016, being more mindful of what I eat and when I eat, and keeping up on those lunch break walks (even in the rain, even when I’m sick, even when it’s cold), I’ve managed to get myself down to 145. I never felt “unhealthy” even when I was heavier, but I do FOR SURE feel more “able.” Sure, I still have major body image issues that I need to work on, but baby steps!
4. Eternal Youth! – I’m going to be 40 next year, I have a shit-ton of gray hairs, but my brain refuses to accept that and still spends most of its time thinking about concerts and amusement parks and Kpop idols. I was talking to Amber about this at work the other day, how I’m trying to fit in a few days in Tokyo during my birthday Korea trip next summer because I want to go to DisneySea and how Henry is like dreaming of the day when we can plan a vacation that doesn’t include an amusement park, and Amber said, “I can’t believe you’re going to be 40. You’re like, ageless, to me.” YES.  I’m thankful that I have managed to maintain that part of myself because goddamn does it make life fun! Except for when you watch so many vlogs about roller coasters and are constantly hearing people talking about the “head chopper” elements and then you go to bed and have a horribly vivid nightmare that you’re watching a movie where some girl is walking down the steps of some Victorian mansion and gets her head lopped off by her dad, completely out of nowhere, but then it turns out to be YOU, you just had YOUR head chopped off, but later in the dream, you realize that your head was put back on, but apparently your ear had also been cut off and that was put back on much more jankily than your head, so it’s all bloody and it BURNS and also it’s not aligned properly with your head and you are FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS. I mean, that’s just something that might happen.
5. Henry & Chooch, le duh – Come on, this is a given. I have a guy who is mild-tempered and goes along with all my crazy ideas, he gets totally engrossed in every k-drama with me to the point where he’s mad when I start a new one without him (he’ll still watch it though), he sends me kpop-related texts on Kakao throughout the day (I made him download Kakao awhile back and it’s the only way we text now unless I’m mad at him then I use regular text and he’s like, “wow you must be mad”), he does whatever he can to make my life easier, and well, he’s just the best and I’m glad we’ve lasted together all these years because I can’t imagine many other people who would be like, “Yes, let me completely change the way I cook for you because now you’re on a make-believe Korean diet and sure, let’s go to Party City for new home decor so our house can continue to look like Pee Wee’s Playhouse and OK, let’s talk about going to some random town in the Netherlands so you can spend Easter 2020 at some weird amusement park.” Lol. And then Chooch! I couldn’t ask for a better kid. He is such a mini-Erin that it’s actually scary at times (or, “all times” if you’re Henry). He’s independent and self-motivated when it comes to school (he’s basically a genius but has ZERO COMMON SENSE though, oh my god, he is street-stupid), a mini-politician when it comes to the neighborhood (everyone knows him!), and he is SO ENTERTAINING. Janna was over here on Saturday for Kpop Fitness Night and afterward, he effortlessly had us cracking up just by being him, sitting there making his dumb Rainbow Loom bracelets. No, our life isn’t perfect, and we do all bicker with each other like normal TV families, but we never go to bed mad at each. (EXCEPT FOR LAST NIGHT BECAUSE WE GOT A BUNCH OF CARD ORDERS AND HENRY AND I DO NOT WORK WELL TOGETHER IN THE GREETING CARD FACTORY.)

Anyway, that’s my Thanksgiving 2018 recap and obligatory “thankful” list. I’ll end here with a video of Mini-Erin stalking his nemesis Larry:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

ETA: Chooch just woke up and said, “Well, I see the dining room table is back to its old self” and I screamed “WELL, WE HAD 80 MILLION CARDS TO MAKE LAST NIGHT OK, THANKS FOR THE HELP!”

Finally, after months of being put on the back burner because of supply issues, KPOPendants have finally debuted! I’m smitten with them. I wanted them to have a Victorian-esque cameo feel to them.

Here are the first four in the shop, but in the coming days, I’ll be adding Taemin, Jackson, Kai, Jin, and Jungkook, plus more!

First up, for your consideration, is the perfectly elven face of Kim Taehyung from BTS.

This is my friend Janna’s bias, only because I made her choose one.

Next up is Park Jimin, also from BTS (Armys, I hear you, and soon all 7 will be in pendant-form).

Please don’t mind the glare! These things are difficult to photograph.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t see enough Cha Eun-woo things out there. They don’t call him a face genius for no reason!

And the one that started it all, our king, Kwon Jiyong aka the legendary G-Dragon. This was my first pendant design and it was honestly because I wanted one to wear for myself, lol.

And it’s no surprise that he was the first one to sell!

All pendants set in a resin frame, capped off with a glass cabochon, and come ready-to-wear with a silver-plated 18 inch chain. Pendant itself measures 2.75in. x 1.5in.

These cuties can be found in the pendant section of Hello Hanguk and while you’re there, maybe grab a greeting card to go with it?! God, I’m such a great peddler.

Ugh, I have tried to keep Wanna One at arm’s length because I knew my heart would eventually be broken if I gave in and let full Wannable (their fan group name lol) mode take over. Wanna One are the product of a Korean music survival show, where trainees from different agencies compete to be in a Kpop group. I don’t watch those shows regularly (and there are numerous) so I’m not sure if they’re all this way, but the show Wanna One was born from gives their groups expiration dates.

And Wanna One’s is coming up quickly. There have been rumors of an extension but it still doesn’t seem like any rule is going to be broken for them to stay together as long as they want.

Once the contract is up, they’ll all go back to their respective agencies and hopefully have a bright future, like (most) of the winning girls from the first season of this show did.

Anyway, then they had to go and release this new song yesterday and I’m over here blubbering and finally admitting that Kang Daniel is my bias (I’m basic). But oh, this video! It sure lifts my bleak November mindset! I love the color palette and the choreo (when they do that plié/squat thing, my knees hurt for them) and the song and their cherubic faces and and and, ow my heart.

You know how sometimes, before you go to bed, your mind wants to narrate to you in full detail the specifics of C-sections? GIRL, that happened to me just last night!

I know it’s been like, what, 12+ years since I was sliced and diced but I swear I still have incision pain.

“That’s probably why I can’t get rid of this little belly-bulge! It’s my body’s way of shielding me from the incision scar!” I cried hysterically to Henry, who mumbled, “You don’t even have a scar there” at the same time I was describing the scar as my Ouchie Strip.

“Really? Ouchie Strip?” Henry repeated with something in the middle of disgust and disappointment. Look, it was the first thing I could think of ok.

“CHILD BIRTH IS UNNATURAL!” I wailed in my next breath. “People should be born from….SEEDS!”

“So what, men should just walk around ejaculating in the dirt?” Henry asked.

“No, men won’t have anything to do with this. Fuck those jackasses. God will just drop the seeds from a cloud in Heaven,” I said slowly, thinking about it as I went on. “Farmer God.”

Then Henry reminded me that I don’t even believe in God, AND THAT’S WHY! GOD MAKES CRUEL THINGS HAPPEN TO US LIKE DONALD TRUMP AND CHILD BIRTH.

Henry fell asleep soon after this, leaving me to lie there, thinking about how MY ORGANS* WERE POTENTIALLY SCOOPED OUT OF MY BODY CAVITY AND DUMPED INTO A TROUGH, THANKS CHOOCH.

*(I didn’t even know that this could happen until 2 years ago when I was watching some BuzzFeed video about men going through fake child birth and they were like dry heaving when they found that out about C-sections and I was like, “WAIT, DID THAT HAPPEN TO ME TOO?!” and Henry was like, “Maybe your intestines?” And then I was dry-heaving too.)

(Seriously my insides feel bruised right now at the thought.)

(I just asked Henry about it again and he said, “I don’t know if they took anything out. They grabbed him by his big head and—”

“OH MY GOD!!” I shrieked, wincing.

“You brought it up!!” Henry spat.)

***

 I was moderately annoyed when I first went out on my break today because I had to go to the dumb post office to mail my greeting cards since I have to stand there and watch the postal workers scan them in because I can’t trust them to always do their job properly! For it being such a bleak, rainy day today, people were fucking FRIENDLY out there on the streets of Pittsburgh. Like, people were actually SMILING at me when I would pause to let them pass me since sometimes the sidewalks don’t accommodate two people passing with umbrellas. And then I found that instead of stomping along with resting bitch face like usual, I was smiling too and then even more people were smiling back and I was like WHAT IS THIS SORCERY.

And then I started to CRY. Not like full-blown Hallmark TV movie sobbing but my eyes were for sure welling up and it BURNT, like Holy Water on the face of Satan.

(Or Saran, as I originally typed. You know, that motherfucker and his sinister kitchen wrap products. Hisssss.)

***

I think maybe I’m becoming weak and soft because basic things like humanity and compassion or whatever the fuck are starting to sneak through my wall of hate and I just don’t care anymore. Like, this one day last week, I was waiting for the trolley (i.e. how all of my Horror Stories start) when I heard this broad’s loud-ass mouth from many yards away (I forget how much of a distance a yard is but it was like distance between my desk and Wendy’s office away, which means nothing to you if you don’t work with me).

She had that terrible “smoking since 13” Pittsburgh trash voice that I loathe so much and immediately start prejudging, when I hear it LOOK I’M SORRY I’M NOT A FUCKING SAINT. But keep reading because maybe I’m changing, who knows.

Now, this broad had cut our distance in half and she was scream-talking to the fare attendant about the weather. As she shouted for him to have a good day, I began to pray to the trolley lords to help repel her from my area but apparently no fucking religion wants me because she pushed her stroller right up next to me and that’s when I realized I’ve seen her, but not heard her, on the trolley a few months ago.

Immediately, she started talking to me about her kid in the stroller who turned two in September, didn’t want to wear her gloves, and can count to 10 but skips 7 & 8 (Chooch always skipped 7 and said it was because he didn’t need it so I was softening up to this broad before I had a chance to stop myself). She was also a lot younger than her CDC Smoker Voice tv commercial made her out to be.

This broad was so chatty and usually I blanch at this but I robotically said things like “My son does not like to keep gloves on either” in an effort to balance the camaraderie. I even picked up the kid’s plastic Elmo phone one of the 18 she chucked it.

But then the T came and I sat five rows back her. She sat near the lady who looks like Phyllis from The Office aka the only person on the T who is ever charmed by that annoying family I sometimes bitch about on here. Immediately, this girl proceeded to tell Phyllis everything going on in her life, which is all pretty awful:

• she has an older daughter who is a super bad seed and was in Western Psych and basically sounds like she’s capable of murder except that she loves animals thank god so the therapists at Western Psych would use animal therapy on here
• her baby’s daddy sounds like a piece of shit
• she’s adopted and doesn’t have close family which is why she talks to strangers (GURL STOP)
• she had to check to see if she had homework due that day not because she’s in school but because she had to take weekly Bible classes in order for her rent to be paid — THAT WAS THE WORST PART!

Anyway there was so much more she was telling Phyllis and normally people flapping and wringing out their dirty laundry on pub-trans makes me so disgusted but this girl was like…still upbeat. Like, she wasn’t complaining or relaying any of this shit in a woe-is-me fashion, but she was being very matter-of-fact and conversational probably because that dumb boyfriend of hers doesn’t talk to her!!!

Look, this might have been another time in less than a week that my eyes spontaneously sprinkled. And when the trolley arrived at my stop, I went out of my way to walk by her just so I could tell her I hoped she has a good day. Henry said it’s like when the Grinch’s heart grew ten sizes or whatever. I guess.

Per-fucking-spective, bro.

If that girl can get off her ass and do the work expected of her to make her life better, in spite of all the hurdles and challenges in her way, then maybe I could at the very least take the T to work without acting like it’s the worst thing to ever happen to me…

Ok, baby steps, Erin. Tiny baby gnome steps.

I am back where I belong. An asylum. Specifically, Transallegheny Insane Asylum haunted house. This line wasn’t that long, but I bought time by playing a game on my phone, sort of like Scattergories. Janna, obviously had to go to the bathroom and I tricked her into going into the port-o-potty that was a trick.

It didn’t have a loud siren, though. Lats year, it was a prank and whenever you opened the door wide enough, a siren would sound and it would embarrass you. While waiting in line for the house, the people were looking for a group of 2 or 3, so we presented ourselves and we walked up to the entrance with a group of 4 other people. Immediately, when we were inside, we were going super slow, because the other people leading us were turtles through the whole thing. At some points, the dad, named Paul would stop to explain the certain rooms, because he worked there before, I guess. For example, in a closet room, we walked through clothes and Paul said, “This is where the old women were kept.”

When the guy at the beginning told us the rules, he clearly stated, “Do not stop, or run, because you might catch up to the group ahead of you,” then he said, “Do not stop because the group behind you can catch up to you.” Paul didn’t understand because he went slow the whole time instead of going a normal speed, you know walking pace.

My favorite part was when we were walking up a stairwell and his family started to yell at him about going too slow, but he said, “Gotta get your money’s worth.” He continued going super slow, despite what his family told him, he probably got spanked in the car by his wife.

We finally got to the rooms where the patients were kept. The first room we entered, the roommates were arguing about something, then started to pull each other’s hair and screamed at each other.

There was this one hall that had mannequins on each side, and I expected one of them to be a real person, and it was true. Then we had to hail to “him”, but we didn’t know who exactly we were hailing to, but I praised anyway. When we got to the demon’s lair, the walls were made of pallets. Mum was knocking hard on them and the people got mad and told us to, “Stop hitting the boards!

” She was as disobedient as Paul, she kept tapping the boards. The demon was a dog thing and it almost ate us, but it was still cute.

The spider nest was back again this year, and Paul had to stop to basically look at every string woven by the spiders, that was how slow he was going. Janna got really scared at some parts, like the part where we were walking through fog, then all of a sudden men on stilts were looking over and following us. She also got very scared by nothing, she doesn’t get scared by anything. We don’t know why she goes because she doesn’t care about the spooks.

Finally, as expected at the end, there was a chainsaw guy. He didn’t chase us, but he got very close to our feet and bodies. When it was time to leave, we had to find where dad parked.

We checked the spot he dropped us off in, but he was gone. We were freezing and I called him, but he didn’t tell us where he was. He kept saying he saw us, but he didn’t tell us his surroundings and where he was parked relative to where he dropped us off.

*******

EDITORS NOTE: Erin here. Like, a day after this dumb haunted house that PAUL ruined, I realized that perhaps his older daughter wasn’t actually calling him “Paul,” but the more sensible Pa. I mean, we were in West Virginia and they were all speaking with mountain drawls, so….

Meanwhile, Janna had recently rescued a tiny kitten from a tunnel on her way to work, two days prior to our attending this haunt. She has been trying to come up with the perfect name for him and I served her one on a silver platter decorated with maraschino apples: PAWL.

GET IT? Because we hated “Paul” and cats have paws, so PAWL?!

Omg I was so excited about this last night and she laughed real hard but didn’t actually confirm that this is the new official name of Tunnel Cat.

Chooch wasn’t laughing at all so I yelled DON’T YOU GET IT? And he mumbled, “yeah, I got your dumb joke.”

He is so jealous of my effortless humor.

It’s Friday and I’m still alive, so you know what that means! Here’s some 5 things.

1. Emarosa

You guys! Emarosa dropped a video for one of their new songs, and when I say new I mean NEW NEW. This is like a brand new Emarosa. Pop-infused. Dance-y. Ready to mingle with Carly Rae record collection.  I’m in love and already can’t wait for the full release in February! A super important fact about this video is that it was choreographed by my friend Lizzie, whom I actually met a few years ago through our shared love for Emarosa. I have really enjoyed getting to know her and watching her lightning-quick progression as a dancer and choreographer. She is amazing and I can only hope that I get to see her perform in person someday! She’s also in this video, and you’ll catch her in the middle of the formation in most of the dance scenes. Lizzie + Emarosa = <3<3<3

2. Taemin light stick

A few weeks ago, I went in on a group Taemin light stick order with the Canada SHINee Twitter group. This particular light stick was made specifically for his recent solo tour in Japan and I needed it like a preteen girl in the 80s needs the latest Bonne Bell or Lipsmackers flavor. Yeah, it was like that.

Henry texted me when I was work yesterday and said that there was package out for delivery and I knew it had to be the light stick, so I thought my shitty day was finally going to have a light(stick) at the end of the tunnel. But then he texted me again later that night because he got a notification that there was a delivery attempt, but no one was home so we’d have to reschedule — HE WAS SITTING RIGHT BY THE FRONT DOOR THE WHOLE TIME AND SAID THERE WERE NO FOOTPRINTS IN THE SNOW ON OUR SIDEWALK. USPS, you lying motherfuckers. So today I was working from home and I left a shitty note taped to the door saying they better not even try that shit again because someone was going to be home ALL DAY so maybe TRY KNOCKING?! Anyway, it was delivered today by the regualr mailman, who just stuck it in the mailbox so why that couldn’t have happened yesterday, who knows, but you better believe I was on the warpath about this and had my ink and quill all ready to go until I realized that sending a letter would just HELP THE USPS so I guess I will email them my totally level-headed complaint instead.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

WORTH IT!!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

3. Teen Center volunteers love me

Hey remember how I hate the Teen Center because they stole my son? Well I’ll cut them some slack because EVIDENTLY Chooch was talking to the volunteers about going to see Emarosa a couple weeks ago, and one of the guys there knows Emarosa too and thought that was cool, so Chooch told him about how we became friendly with Bradley and then showed them the article that Alternative Press wrote about his relationship with the band, and they were like, “WOW U R C00L” so then he stated showing them other pictures of concerts, etc and told them the most important part, which is that HIS MOM is the one who is into these things and takes him to concerts and they were like WHOA YR MOM IS C00L and then one of the girl volunteers said that she wished I was her mom too, so you know what? Teen Center’s not too bad.

4. Today’s lunch

As mentioned previously, I was working from home today which was fine but then came lunch time and I was like, “shit fuck piss what am I going to have for lunch?” I’m on a slight diet, nothing extreme, but I do need to log my food which is great when Henry is here and I chuck my phone at him and say, “Here, you do this” because only he knows how much hemlock he put in tonight’s dinner. So I called him freaking out and he was like, “Just eat the stuff I prepared for you” BUT I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO LOG THAT so instead, I grabbed a handful of ingredients that I could easily enter into my app and that is how I ended up with this plated slop for lunch:

The egg was supposed to be on top of the Boca burger, but it slid off and almost continued sliding right off the plate, but I saved it with my hand and then the yolk broke so that made me sad because I wasn’t ready for it to break yet, OK.

I thought I could heat up the sweet potato and Boca burger on the same plate, at the same time, but I GUESS I THOUGHT WRONG because I didn’t take Microwave Class in college.

Anyway, lunch was fine. I’m fine. It’s all fine. 괜찮아.

(This is why I eat OATMEAL for lunch every day at work.)

5. More roller coaster stuff

Watching theme park vlogs all week while sick has really saved me, I haven’t had the energy to watch K-dramas on account of having to read subtitles and you know, I HAVE BEEN SICK in case you missed every single post this past week where I have whined about it like I have an actual plague. Henry got really disgusted out of nowhere the one night and actually seemed mad that I’m not a vlogger?! “You would think that after spending your entire teenage years videotaping EVERYTHING that being on YouTube would have been something you’d have been into it early on!” I mean, it’s true — you can ask my family and any friend I still have from my high school years (surprisingly still quite a few of them) and they will surely tell you with absolute disdain that there was at least one occasion they had a camcorder shoved in their face. But to be honest, I hate my voice and it’s a blessing for the world that I never got into YouTube. I did actually upload a video a long time ago of the time I made Henry take me to Cleveland to see Tha Crossroads, literally E.99 and St. Clair where Bone Thugs n Harmony used to hang out (I was a huge Bone fan in high school, before MTV made it “cool” for dumb white people to like them), but I was SO ANNOYING in the video that literal strangers were commenting to say THAT BITCH IS ANNOYING. So…

But also, watching all these theme park vlogs made me remember this time when I was in middle school and my aunt, who worked at the University of Pittsburgh at the time, knew someone who worked in the marketing department for Kennywood and she was able to get a poster of what the park’s brand new coaster (Steel Phantom) was going to look like. She gave it to me to take to school and show everyone and I was so excited to share it! At the time, this was the world’s tallest steel coaster so it was a huge deal. But one of the guys in my class had a strong desire to one-up me so he CALLED Kennywood and got someone to tell him all of the stats for the coaster, just so he could come in the next day and piggyback off me with more information. It was clearly something that annoyed me enough to where I still harbor ill feelings about it. OK FINE I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY TIME I RIDE THAT DAMN RIDE.

In other coaster news, I have vacations planned around theme parks all the way to 2020. Henry is so excited!

In case any imaginary doctors out there are wondering about my health, I am still under the weather. Look, I know it’s just a cold. In fact, I’m certain  that’s all it is, but you would think I had tuberculosis the way I carry on about it.

I wanted to leave work early on Tuesday because I couldn’t keep my head up, and I’m certain Boss Amber would have been like, “byeeeeeee” if I had asked, but then I realized that even if I left early, I DON’T HAVE A HOUSEKEY because I STILL NEVER GOT ONE MADE because THE ONLY GOOD HOUSEKEY WAS LOST BY CHOOCH and all the other housekeys made since then SUCK and I 100% have NO LUCK GETTING THEM TO OPEN THE DOOR.

EVEN BLAKE STRUGGLES WITH IT WHEN HE HAS TO USE IT!

Spare me the suggestions, I know what I need to do! Just let me vent about it OK!? Ugh.

So then I thought, well, maybe I can leave a little bit before Chooch is done with school and text him to go straight home so that he will be there to open the door for me since he somehow has the magic touch and can persuade his fucking bastard key to unlock the door. But then I got caght up in something for work and ended up making it through the whole day and it’s a good thing too because when Henry and I got home at 6:00, Chooch was hanging out on  the front porch because he DIDN’T BRING HIS KEY WITH HIM. Don’t call CYS too hard on us though because he had literally just gotten home from the library, so no, he wasn’t out in the cold for THREE HOURS.

I did go home a few hours early yesterday though because Henry was home to open the door for me (look, I realize this sounds ludicrous, because it is, but this is just like…my life now) but then we had not one but THREE VISITORS!? Literally no one ever knocks on our door now that we’re not poor people with outstanding gas bills so usually if there is a knock, I can’t see a silhouette through the frosted glass because it’s some dummy looking for Chooch. But this time there were ADULT SHADOWS, you guys.

Don’t worry. It was just Blake (twice) and then my mom who stopped by to bring us charity deli goods. Then I told her that in my annual review at work that day, I was called “the special little unicorn of the department” and she promptly said, “GOODBYE” and left.

WOW.

(Seriously though, my mom knows how conceited these things make me and she probably had to vomit at least once out the window on her way home.)

This is such an exciting update!

Then we were told last night that if the weather today was shitty, we could work from home and I was like GOD ARE YOU THERE IT’S ME ERIN because I knew I wasn’t going to be feeling much better the next day (TODAY) and wow, call me motherfucking Miss Cleo because I woke up feeling like someone gutted my head and stuffed it like it was practice for next week’s thanksgiving turkey.

But, I still trudged on in to work (on the trolley, no less, THANKS HENRY) in freezing rain that wasn’t treacherous enough to warrant a WFH request and I was so whiny about it for about the first hour of my shift.

I kept imagining that I was at home with a hot washcloth covering my face but that just made it worse, like being on a diet and imagining yourself sensually eating a cake (like a good quality one, not some jacked up hillbilly supermarket sheet cake) in your underwear.

With the mailman.

Then! It was still raining/snowing (OMG IS THAT WHAT WINTERY MIX MEANS?? I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT!) when it was time to take my break so I didn’t think going outside for a walk would be in my best interests. A normal sick person probably would have kicked back with a book or amusement park map but I decided that this would be a good time for me to walk up the full 40 flights of steps inside my building for the first time! Margie was like “that doesn’t seem like a great id—-” but I couldn’t hear her because I was already imprisoned inside the stair well.

Since I was already on the 10th floor, I didn’t want to cheat so I first walked down to the first floor, all the way back up to 40 (there was a creepy security camera up there and I thought Interpol was going to come out from the door and arrest me), then all the way back to 1 and back up to 10.

I couldn’t breathe on account of BEING SICK but I did that shit with no break mostly because the stairwells are gross (Lauren and I saw a cockroach in there on Monday when we walked down from a meeting on 28) so no thanks steps, I won’t be sitting down on you.

Carrie told me if I wanted to sweat out my sickness, I should have just eaten spicy food and now I’m sad that I didn’t do that on my dumb break instead.

And that was today’s episode of Erin’s Poor Choices.

Oh and then guess what happened?! The weather actually turned bad and Henry was like “have fun taking the trolley home.

” I triple-hate him today. But then he bought our Dollywood tickets so now I’m semi-calm.

But, still stuffy and sniffly so goodbye.

PS this was the treasure I found at the end of my stair-climbing odyssey and yes it’s blurry because I was shaking lol. Walking up steps while congested is like, no joke.

And probably the opposite of drinking hot tea and honey.

You guys know how Chooch and I fight over everythang right? From semantics to the hue of the sky to Yanny or Laurel, we will bicker until Henry has to threaten to take away our privileges. I guess that’s what happens when you’re basically the same person. (This is why I can’t be friends with people who are too much like me!)

(Also, can you imagine if Chooch was also a Leo?!)

We even fight over cats, as in, whose cat is better/prettier/smarter/cuter/less smellier.

Last night, everything was pretty quiet. Chooch and I were coexisting peacefully, watching theme park YouTube videos, when I looked at Penelope who was sitting on her tower like a perfectly furry loaf.

“Penelope is so cute, she could be a Disney character!” I cooed. “Penelope, you could be Snow White’s kitty!”

Chooch fake-gagged on his water. “YEAH RIGHT, she’s more like Hunchback of Notre Dame!” And then he kept calling her Quasimodo (after he googled the name because HE WAS TOO DUMB TO KNOW.)

(YEAH I CALLED MY KID DUMB AND I’LL CALL YOU DUMB TOO SO GO AHEAD, REPORT ME.)

So in retaliation I looked at HIS CAT DREW and in my effort to come up with a better burn, I blurted out, “Yeah well Drew could be Ursula’s….SHOULDER PAD!”

Chooch gaped at me. “WTF?” he cried. “That doesn’t even make sense!”

“YES IT DOES!” I was now on my knees, laughing so hard that my eyes were birthing pure drops of comedy rain, picturing Drew perched on Ursula’s shoulders, a natural extension of her oceanic hideousness.

Chooch continued to scoff at me so I ran upstairs and woke up Henry so I could tell him my sick burn.

He too just stared at me. “You’re so dumb,” he murmured. But he just wasn’t awake enough to fully grasp the perfection of this insult, the smartly crafted nuances of my name-calling.

I came back downstairs and continuously called Drew “Ursula’s Shoulder Pad” until Chooch eventually blocked me out. Later, I laughed myself to sleep.

********

This morning, Chooch was still dwelling on it. “And Ursula doesn’t even wear a shirt that would have shoulder pads,” he argued, desperately grasping for straws but MAMA OWNS THIS SODA SHOP OF SICK BURNS, BOY. NO STRAWS FOR YOU.

On my lunch break, I was on the phone with Henry as usual. He’s like obsessed with me and makes me check in with him every afternoon. (Lolz.) He had just gotten home from work and was starting to say something about Drew.

“Ursula’s Shoulder Pad,” I corrected him and he flipped out about how dumb it is. So triggered!!

“Do you think it’s just as good or better as when I used to call Speck [RIP] ‘Breakfast Nook’?” I brayed which is how I talk when I’ve reached Critical Giddiness.

“THAT WAS JUST AS STUPID,” Henry barked. Wow, Henry’s got no jams.

I kept randomly thinking about this all day and I’d have to stifle my snort-laughs at my desk. Finally, I went over to tell Glenn and Todd. Todd stopped listening as soon as I said “cats” because he hates cats. But Glenn heard me out.

“That’s…really stupid,” he said, BUT HE WAS TRYING NOT TO SMILE. “It doesn’t even make sense. Why….?”

By the time I told Lauren, I was Bobcat Goldthwaiting all up in her space but she thoughtfully considered it and said, “No, you know what? It is funny. I don’t really know why, but it is. I’m on your side!”

YESSSSSSSS. I couldn’t wait to tell Henry.

“No, it’s still dumb, and Lauren is dumb too for encouraging you,” he sighed when I told him after work.

Just a few minutes ago, I was dancing to the Ursula’s Shoulder Pad jingle which I made up on the fly. “I really think this is the funniest thing I’ve ever said,” I said while sliding around in my socks. “I’ll never be this funny again!”

“It’s literally the dumbest thing you’ve ever said, so….” Henry sighed.

TOUGH FUCKING CROWD.

But seriously, look at those arm barnacles!

(Henry just said I’m dumb again and that’s literally all he ever says to me so I think that means he has a crush on me.)

(YOU GUYS I JUST MADE THAT PICTURE THE LOCKSCREEN ON CHOOCH’S PHONE HE IS GOING TO BE SO PISSED!)

ETA: Or is she really HENRY’S SHOULDER PAD?? Oh shit did I just … MAKE SENSE of this?! Did I just … TIE THIS ALL TOGETHER? Wow, that’s almost like real blogging.

I started to feel sick yesterday and whined about how I thought I had a fever and Henry was like YOU DONT HAVE A FEVER so then I made him take my temperature and guess who HAD A FEVER?

It wasn’t a big one but it was enough to make me feel like a slug so I spent most of last night writhing dramatically on the couch while watching theme park vlogs; I dragged Henry down into this with me – we’re really into the In The Loop YouTube channel.

My favorite vlogs are the ones with Legend and his girlfriend Molly. I LIKE HOW HER VOICE CRACKS and she seems like a nice person.

Oh! And I also like when Reese tags along in Clint’s videos. I have an open crush on Reese. Henry’s fine with it.

This In the Loop group is a freaking sausage party though, aside from the occasional appearance of wives/girlfriends. I briefly considered contacting them to see if they have any room for a girl correspondent or if that would rock the WHITE MALE boat too much, but then I realized that my amusement park reviews would be full of me screaming LOL LOOK AT THAT ASSHOLE’S HAIR (and then zooming in on Henry obviously) and likening thrill rides to Bathory’s Iron Maiden while the rest of them are like legit coaster nerds who say things like THAT IS A LABAMBA HYPER COASTER FROM ROMANIA WITH A JOJO SAWA ROLL AND -172 GRAVITY AIR TIME YEAH BOI.

I’m just like “There is a purple coaster. It has black cars and a bunch of douchebags in line. Let’s ride it.”

I am now also determined to go to DisneySea in Tokyo and I think Henry is half on board with it but we’ll see. One of us will likely have to get a second job lol.

But seriously, I wish I had jumped on that train a long time ago because my family literally plans trips around amusement parks (we’re going to Dollywood over Thanksgiving weekend!) and how amazing would it be if that was our actual job? Ugh I fucked up, man.

(I also berated Henry out of nowhere for not being a roller coaster engineer.

He took it stride.)

So that’s what I was doing again after work, watching theme park vlogs, until a few minutes ago when my friend sent me a message reminding me that the new Taemin video is out! I just watched it and it was like medicine being pelvic-thrusted into my system. NOW I WANT TO RIDE ROLLERCOASTERS WITH TAEMIN.

NEW LIFE GOAL, COME THRU.

We went to Castle Blood with my friend Lima. He wasn’t scared at all, but he never stopped talking in line, sort of like me. He was excited to go in, though, it was his first haunted house!

When we went in, we found out that the talismans were a spirit, a skull, and a staff. Castle Blood is a quest-type haunted house where we have objectives that need to be completed throughout the house. Immediately, I noticed that there were a whole bunch of new cast members. When we were presented with a puzzle, daddy was dazed and confused, but I understood most of them.

For example, in the new lab, there was a puzzle where we had to get a machine working to transform tissue in an organ. What we had to do to solve the puzzle was look around the room for what each letter is, for example A=⇑. The switches on the machine were labeled A.N.S.W.E.R.S. and we had to find out each letter. I ended up getting it, but I took too long, so it blew up…

In the fortune telling room, the gypsy told us that we were in grave danger! The spirits of the house didn’t like us being there and in order to protect our souls,  we needed a special item, the spirit! That was our first talisman collected! Now we were extra protected, with our weakest daddy having the Beads of Protection, and mum having the spirit, we were all safe! Well at least they were…

Later, we found out that when we die we will turn into zombies. We figured this out because we all had to pick up a skull and whatever it said under it, is what we are. Majority rules, so we were zombies. The librarian didn’t like that we were zombies, she preferred us to be ghosts, because she likes ghosts. She offered us a brain, because we needed one, but daddy needed one more so she gave it to him.

We entered the cemetery, the reaper told us to follow him, but we caught up to the next group, so we had to wait. Finally, we were able to go and the reaper told us to go up to the spider queen. She had many spider lings on her lap and she asked if we had anything for her.

I placed my foot on her stairs and she screamed at me and told me to take it off. Lima told her that he had something and she told him to give it to her. Instead of going up the stairs, he decided to just reach to her and hand it, but he got yelled at, too. He had to go up the stairs and give it to her, in return she gave him a spider.

Then, was the last puzzle, we were told to place a bunch of rocks in cauldrons so that the first one had 5, the second had 6, and the third one had “none”. In total, there were 15 stones. We put 5 in the first, 6 in the second, and had 4 left. We were stumped, then right when I was about to get it, mum put stones that spelled “none” in the third bucket. She got a stick, oh sorry I mean staff, and we were told to exit the cemetery and go back into the building. This was the part where we get our fangs! We showed that we got all of the talismans and we got our fangs! Lima put his in and he got his first picture at his first haunted house!

Sewickley Haunted Church is a cool haunted house because they really don’t care if they’re a church, all they care is if you don’t use profanity. We went in and mum was going way too slow, so I kept stepping on the back of her shoe, making it come off. The haunted house was actually jumpy because the walls were tarps, so people just jumped out from behind them. It was really creepy when we got into a large room with hanging objects and a girl singing the Lizzie Borden theme. Then it continued on in the next room, with her dad sitting at a table with an ax in his head. Other than that, though daddy got scared badly. He should’ve been the one holding the, “I peed a little,” sign.

Thanks for reading! Those were Castle Blood and Sewickly Haunted Church, I recommend these haunted houses, but for next year!