Before I start my always-scintillating weekend recap, I want to say that I had to absolutely drag  my ass out of the house this morning, having not had to be in the office since last Wednesday. I was feeling pretty miserable about it too, especially when I got to W.Liberty Avenue and hit the button for the crosswalk BUT THE WALK SIGN WAS SKIPPED OVER and I couldn’t cross, so I started to yelling to Henry, “WHO CAN I CONTACT ABOUT THIS!? THE WALK SIGN OFFICE OF AMERICA??” and he was like, “I don’t know…probably something in Dormont…” but then I was reminded of the COP WHO NEVER EMAILED ME BACK so that really topped off my morning glass of Pissed Off Juice.

After managing to successfully jaywalk to the other side of the road, which entails me flailing like a wild animal released from a cage, blindfolded, I was approached by a tall older man, maybe like Henry’s age, so—old. I tensed up immediately, figuring he was going to ask me for directions, for bus fare, for when the R-Bar across the street opens.

But then I was even more scared when he started with, “Hey, I just want to tell you—”

TELL ME WHAT? THAT I’M FAT? THAT MY SHOE’S UNTIED? (I fell for that one before!) THAT YOU’RE GOING TO COME TO MY HOUSE AND SKIN ME ALIVE? THAT YOU’RE THE LINDBERG BABY? THAT I HAVE A BIG NOSE? (Ever since some asshole told me in 6th grade, while in line for lunch in the cafeteria, that I have a big nose, it is literally all that I see when I look in the mirror. And that guy tried to friend me on Facebook a few years ago and I was like, “OH NOW YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH BIG NOSE, I THINK NOT.” Shit, what was that guy’s name though…)

“—that you’re really pretty. Remember that on a rainy day.” And then he smiled, gave me a thumbs up, and continued along down the sidewalk.

“What was that?” Henry asked through the phone, because HE IS SO POSSESSIVE OF ME. So I told him and he was like, “Oh, was he a weirdo?” because god forbid a functioning human would ever think I’m pretty, right Henry?

Anyway, that really turned my day around and then the cherry on top was when I passed by Muddy Cup, a cafe in Dormont, and my favorite barista was sitting by the window, waving to me. So, maybe Mondays aren’t always so bad.

BUT it still has the distinction of being The Day After the Weekend, which sucks even more when you’re coming off a glorious, long 4-day holiday extravaganza! (Yeah, yeah, I had to work in the morning on the 4th, but at least I was home.)

Saturday and Sunday were both really nice days, regardless of their extended holiday status. So let’s get into it!

I met up with Jiyong at Adda for some coffee and she surprised me with a pop quiz and I panicked and almost chose flight over fright but instead, I stayed seated at my table and struggled to figure out how to translate the super simple English sentences into Korean and I swear it was the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long ass time, since probably…well, since I was in actual school. But Jiyong is really patient with me so this time, I have been reciting and memorizing my dumb face off so I will be READY next time!

Isn’t this drink goddamn gorgeous?! It’s a pea blossom matcha latte and it was worth every cent. I told Henry that my goal for this meet-up was to not spill anything on myself but I splashed it as soon as I picked up the glass from the counter so I had a green stream sluicing down my hand by the time I brought it back to our table.

Jiyong pointed out that my latte matched my phone case so she took a picture for me.

Then some mom in head-to-toe REI and her dumb little kid who was probably 3 took it upon themselves to sit at the same table of us right when I was in the middle of struggling to read Korean out loud and I felt like Billy Madison.

I can probably read Korean out loud better than that baby can read English though so there!!!!

The barista told me he liked my shirt and I couldn’t remember what I was wearing because I’m almost 40 now and automatically can’t remember things. I bought this recently at Target for like $6, bam.

Chooch and I binged the new season of Stranger Things, but my version of binging (binge’ing?) is to watch like 2-3 episodes a day, tops. So, we started on Friday, but by Sunday, I was in full-blown Netflix warrior mode and said super-seriously, “OK, let’s do this.” So we finished the last episode by 11:30 last night. (Look–I need to take exercise breaks, OK? This broad can’t rest on her laurels for long periods of time, whatever laurels are. Is it like a tuffet? A toadstool?)

During one of our breaks on Saturday, Henry and Chooch left for Target as I hollered after them, “Buy me a present!” but they were too far away as I followed it up with, “And not a candy bar!”

So Chooch sent me this picture of a STEVE HARRINGTON pillow and asked “Do you want this?” Um, le duh. It reminded me so much of the time in the early 90s when my dad bought me a Jason Priestley pillow and I was so annoyed because everyone knew my heart belonged to Luke Perry (RIP). But still, J.Priestley was no slouch, so I couldn’t complain too  much.

So I was all excited thinking I’m getting this hot pillow but then HENRY said he wasn’t paying $20 for a PILLOW. What a fucking cheapskate.

And he didn’t even bring me a candy bar!!!

Sunday was a super slothy day – it stormed off and on so we stayed home except for an after-dinner trip to Baskin Robbins for Stranger Things ice cream. We went to a Baskin Robbins that’s out in an area we don’t visit very often, and on the way there we passed a building that triggered a quick memory.

“I used to work there,” I said, pointing out the window. “For like, a day,” I added, and Henry just frowned.

Actually, I think I only went there for an interview, with my then-friend Cinn, and we were both hired but then I was like, “Hahahaha just kidding” and she got stuck working there without me. I think it was just telemarking probably because that’s what all my jobs were back then since I had such a glowing personality.

(That’s not a joke. I was like, super-likeable back then instead of the plain cardboard cutout I am now.)

“Yeah and then after the interview, we went to Long John Silvers and bought hush puppies with a bag of Susan B. Anthony coins that Cinn found in her house and she bought fish and shared it with [my cat] Marcy even though they hated each other,” I finished.

Actually, this picture was taken that day!

I took this with my camcorder I think?!

Anyway, then we got to Baskin Robbins (we’re back to present day now, please keep up) and it was so annoying because they had this TV screen that was playing a slideshow of all the Stranger Things ice cream they had but everything Chooch ordered was either “out” or “discontinued” so he got the only option they (barely) had – the USS Butterscotch, which was what I was going to get so then I panicked and said FORGET IT I DONT WANT ANYTHING and Henry was like FOR CHRISTS SAKE and I heard one of the scoopers day to him, “Does your wife want anything?” because I had walked away to pout and I was like IM NO ONES WIFE!!

But I got this dumb commemorative picture of Chooch:

His face is nearly all healed from the sunburn! I was applying ointment (lol) to it on Saturday and it was sooooo grody (kiss kiss, 1992) and scaly so I screeched, “EW YOU FEEL LIKE A REPTILE!!” and he snatched the Cortizone from me and spat, “OOOOHkay, I’ll do it myself.” I’m a really great parent who definitely has not spent the last 13 years sculpting a multi-headed complex on my son.

Came home, went for a walk, finished Stranger Things and cried. What a weekend.

*(OMG that means Saturday & Sunday. I’m a language genius. 일+일=이)

One of the biggest downsides to being a kpop fan (and avid kdrama-watcher) is that eventually your faves are going to have to enlist in the military, which is mandatory for Korean men regardless of celebrity status. Being American, this was maybe one of the biggest culture shocks when I started really deep-diving into all things Korea and while it’s a HUGE reminder that the Koreas are still technically at war with each other, it’s also refreshing to see that at the end of the day, make celebrities are still Korean citizens who are required to serve their country.

4/5 of BIGBANG have been in the military since 2018, but TOP was the first to enlist in 2017 so he actually was just discharged yesterday and friends, what a big fucking sigh of relief.

TOP is better than entire rap-lines of other groups put together and his talent transcends kpop and Korea entirely. FIGHT ME.

The Korean media is always seemingly routing against BIGBANG and loves to drag their name through the mud. And TOP had a big drug controversy shortly after enlisting. Allegedly, he had smoked pot at his home with a kpop trainee a few months before enlisting and “someone” narc’d on him later on, causing him to have to leave the military and go to court (marijuana is a big deal in Korea) and then he ended up in the hospital after taking too many pills so this is how stressful and high-pressure it is to be a celebrity in Korea. In America, no one would give a shit if they found out their fave was smoking! But it’s a different culture and as an American, who the fuck am I to judge.

Thankfully, TOP recovered and the military accepted him back as a civil servant, but his discharge date was pushed way back to make up for the time he missed. It was really sad and scary, not knowing what was going to happen to him and I was so afraid he was going to try and commit suicide.

Because of this, the korean media has been rabid about his discharge and a huge crowd of them surrounded the facility he had been assigned to, waiting for him to come out. What they didn’t know was that one of the BIGBANG fansites has arranged a secret meetup between VIPs and TOP, who snuck out through a back door, totally ditching the media, and arrived at the secret location where he greeted the special group of fans who were privy to this! I watched a bunch of videos of it and it was so fucking heartwarming!

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My favorite Kpop group’s fandom did this. They came together in an intimate, organized manner, gave the man his space while showing him support and love at the same time. VIPs are so amazing.

Now that TOP is back, I hope he takes as much time for himself as he needs, plus some. And then when G-Dragon is discharged this fall, I hope the two of them pair up and deliver the biggest clapback that Kpop has ever seen.

Kpop is a really expensive lifestyle, my chingu. And when groups come here around the same time, we have to choose wisely.

Because we skipped out on this year’s KCON (lineup was not worth the $$$ for me, not a knock against those groups though!) I decided to try and snag tickets for GOT7’s upcoming North American tour instead, since the last two times they were here we couldn’t go because of other concerts.

GOT7 is Chooch’s ult group and he is always mumbling about how it’s not fair that we go see the groups I like, blah blah, so I figured it was time to throw him a bone. I was able to get seats in the front row of one of the nosebleed balcony sections and then told Henry, “Oh yeah, and it’s in Toronto.”

He was not pleased, especially when he realized it was a Sunday. Toronto’s not that far of a drive from Pittsburgh – 5 hours – but when you’re driving there and back in the same day, that’s a whole ‘nother story, broski.  He found a nice parking spot next to a fountain and slept/watched Netflix/walked to Union Station to pee, you know — Henry things.

Meanwhile, Chooch and I managed to get inside ScotiaBank Arena with little problems; it’s apparently the same place I saw G-Dragon in 2017 but just has a different name now. The people who scanned our tickets were so friendly, and then while we were in line for merch, another staff member came over and said to us, “If I told you there was another merch table a few gates over with a shorter line, would you believe me?” Of course it was true, because why would he lie!? So we were able to snatch a tour t-shirt in no time. The staff at ScotiaBank was SO NICE. Trust me, I have been treated like shit by venue staff before, so when staff members do things like give us merch tips, that’s something that can make a good concert experience GREAT.

By this point, it was a little after 7 so we started to enter a stairwell to begin our ascent to the third floor. A security guard blocked our path, and I was starting to wonder if our good run of friendly staff was coming to an end. He told us that the upper levels were closed and I said, no, that was impossible, our seats were in the third level.

“They’re giving out ticket upgrades at the guest relations table,” he said, pointing us the right direction. I couldn’t imagine why this was happening, I have never received ticket upgrades for any show I’ve attended, so I was paranoid. But we got in the fast-moving queue and some broad handed us two tickets for seats in the 100 section so we shrugged and set off to find our gate, at which point we realized that we were like, RIGHT TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE, only about 20 rows up from the floor, whaaaaaat.

We were so giddy about this, but then I looked around and realized that this was probably pretty shitty for GOT7 though, because it looked like maybe they didn’t sell as many tickets as they anticipated. I mean, they were performing in a huge arena, the same one that the Toronto Maple Leafs play in, and it looked like they closed off the upper levels and literally moved everyone down to fill the seats, and even then there were a lot of empty spots.

:(

But, we went from $80 seats to $125 seats, so that was pretty awesome for us!

GOT7 is pretty popular here in the States, and I think maybe what happened was BTS announced their stadium tour right after GOT7, and people went crazy and chose that over GOT7, because the BTS hype is fucking insane. For us though, we just saw BTS last fall and choosing GOT7 was a no-brainer.

And let me just say, it was WORTH IT. Even though I was suffering through a stomach ache during their whole concert and the entire excruciating drive home to Pittsburgh.

Especially because GOT7 can SANG, motherfuckers. They can SANG SO GOOD.

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They came out with Eclipse, their most recent comeback track, and I don’t know why I continue to be so stunned at how well the talent of these groups translates to these giant stages, but there is not even a millisecond of slouching or phoning it in. They are ON POINT, and seeing that choreography spill out on the stage in front of us is honestly breathtaking. GOT7 has some of the best dances out of any boy group out there right now. It’s literally sickening.

GOT7 is interesting because they’re not just made up of Koreans: Mark is American/Taiwanese, Bam Bam is Thai, and Jackson is Chinese (Hong Kong). Chooch’s bias is Bam Bam, and luckily for him, Bam Bam is fluent in English and did A LOT of the talking that night!

My bias is Youngjae! He reminds me a bit of Daesung from Bigbang because his vocals are STRONG, LOUD, and SOLID.

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He has my favorite part in my current favorite GOT7 song, 1°:

Chooch’s favorite GOT7 song is “Confession Song,” which was this cute little Christmas-y song from 2015 and he kept screaming, “PLAY CONFESSION SONG!!!!” I was like, “Buddy, I don’t think they’re going to play that song.”

They didn’t.

But Chooch still loved every minute of the show. He even got really emotional and teared up when all the members were talking in between songs and Jinyoung said that he wanted everyone to know that even though he doesn’t show his emotions very often, that he still has just as much fun as the rest of the members. It was really sweet but Chooch caught me off guard with how affected he was by that moment..??!

My original favorite GOT7 song is “If You Do” because it was one of my favorite kpop dance workout videos from Sarahkpop, but alas, they did not perform that song so I had to join Chooch in the “NO PLAY SONG” boat.

Still, their set list was pretty solid so we didn’t have any complaints!

1. Eclipse
2. Never Ever
3. Skyway
4. Ride (JB solo)
5. Gravity (Youngjae solo)
6. Intro + God Has Returned + Manana (Rap unit stage)
7. Jinyoung & Yungyeom unit stage
8. Stop Stop It (fun fact – this was the first GOT7 song I ever heard when I first started doing KpopX!)
9. 1°
10. Sign
11. I Am Me (this song made me cry)
12. Come On
13. Just Right (!!!!!!)
14. Paradise
15. Thank You
16. Save You
17. Teenager
18. Page
19. Look
20. Lullaby
21. Hard Carry
22. Fly
23. Go Higher
24. Before the Full Moon Rises
25. OUT

This setlist is actually inaccurate because I know for sure they also performed “Miracle” at some point.

I learned that night that GOT7 is almost entirely self-produced. JB, their leader, produces most of their music and Yungyeom does a lot of the choreography. I had no idea about this and it tripled my respect for them, honestly. Especially since kpop has the reputation of being mass-produced factory music.

After Bam Bam pointed this out, he said that he hopes that one day they will be recognized worldwide as a group who make their own music. Imagine how frustrating it is to be other groups in Korea, busting their asses and brimming with talent, only to be eclipsed by another group who just happened to hit it at the right time.

Ugh I could write an entire blog series on this BUT I WON’T.

Guys, I swear Youngjae waved to me. YOU WEREN’T THERE, OK.

Either Chooch finally getting to the age where an entire concert can hold his attention, or he just genuinely likes kpop better than rock/emo/post hardcore because he’s been so present for these last few concerts we’ve gone to together. Usually, he’ll start to drift off (he fell asleep during BTS and all the non-kpop shows would have him looking at Fortnite shit on his phone) but especially for GOT7 he was screaming his face off and just loving every second of it so sorry Henry if driving to Toronto was annoying for you because Chooch really had a great night.

(But oh lord, that drive home, kill me.)

Anyway, go listen to GOT7! Support them and love them, they deserve it!

My job gave all of the US offices the day off today and even though I am uncomfortable celebrating anything related to glorifying this strange and backward country right now, I am still happy to not have to go to work after volunteering to work yesterday’s holiday shift which exploded on me right out of the gates and I was pretty surly about that. So anyway, my point is, you would think that today’s Friday Five might actually be a good one since I’m home all day to write it but you better tuck that sentiment back into your pocket next to the Tic Tacs, Tammy Faye Bakker obituary, and severed toe because I am still just as disjointed and typo-prone as always!

1. WET SIDEWALK

Hoo boy, last Tuesday I was in a real mood. I was power-walking some of the steam off around town on my lunch break and had just finished ranting to Henry about the people who won’t be invited to my G-Dragon Party (I never graduated middle-school, you know that, right?) when I had to pop into the post office to mail some orders because this is my everyday routine which is fine, I clearly live for going to the post office. There are three different ones around town that I split my services among because god forbid I should become a regular and they all have annoying things about them so better to be annoyed about different things than the same one over and over I guess.

On this particular day, I went to the one on the Northside which is annoying because the postal clerks sit behind protective glass and I can never tell which one is occupied or when it’s OK to come forth. And they are always super put out to have to do work but that’s fine, at least they’re speedy and all understand what a scan sheet* is.

*(The amount of postal clerks who scrunch up their noses when I hand them a scan sheet, say, “Yeah, this doesn’t scan for me” and then scan ALL OF MY ENVELOPES INDIVIDUALLY is….getting better, I’ll be honest, but there are still some stupid asses out there sporting the USPS emblem on their polos!)

I was annoyed right off the bat when I rounded the corner because the sidewalk in front of the post office was being repaved so I had to slalom around a path fashioned from yellow tape and orange cones. but whatever. I walked right past the cement guys and they didn’t say a word to me.

So I did my thing inside the post office and then called Henry back as I was walking out the door (TALKING ON THE PHONE INSIDE STORES, ETC IS RUDE) and thank god because he was able to witness one of the jackass cement guys yell, and I do mean, BELLOW, “DON’T STEP ON THE SIDEWALK!”

I hate being yelled at. I mean, who doesn’t, right? So this, how do you say, SET ME OFF. I stiffened and did this thing that I do where I get super loud and passive aggressive.

“THESE DUMB ASSHOLES LITERALLY JUST TOLD ME NOT TO WALK ON THE WET SIDEWALK LIKE I’M SOME KIND OF AN IDIOT. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WALK ON A WET SIDEWALK WHEN IT’S CLEARLY BLOCKED OFF AND THEY ARE CURRENTLY LAYING THE CEMENT? WHAT FUCKING ASSHOLES!”

“They’re standing right there, aren’t they,” Henry asked rhetorically, with a sigh.

“MAYBE THAT CAN MANSPLAIN TO ME WHY I SHOULDN’T WALK ON WALK CEMENT,” I continued and Henry was like, “OMG please drop it” and so I walked away but I immediately experienced regret that I didn’t go back and slam my foot into their precious moist sidewalk but also I didn’t want to get cement on my shoe….

I just hate being yelled at by men. HATE IT. It makes me want to cull forth an army of Diva Cups and go full-blown reverse “Carrie” on them.

Then I started rattling off a list of all the men of AUTHORITY who have yelled at me and when I got to “and that fucking FBI agent,” Henry interrupted and calmly pointed out, ‘Yeah, but you made him flip his car over and nearly die, so…”

“HE DID THAT TO HIMSELF!” I screamed and then circumvented my wind tunnel of WOMAN SCORNED cursing onto our own Henry.

Then I purposely walked back to the post office, nearly causing myself to be late getting back to the office, just so I could take a picture of these douchebag women-haters who probably make their moms cry at the dinner table.

I went back there on Wednesday and there was a steady trail of shoe prints on their beloved sidewalk, and I could tell it was FROM A MAN.

2. MIDSOMMAR

Photo from A24

Last year’s “Hereditary” was one of the best horror movies I had seen in a really long time, so I have been eagerly anticipating Ari Aster’s second foray into the genre, and ever since I saw the first trailer for “Midsommar,” I was super amped. I love The Wicker Man (the original one from the 70s, bitch plz) and this looked like it hints of those creepy cult pagan themes. Horror movies that could really happen are definitely the scariest, in my opinion.

Chooch had no interest in seeing it so I was going to go by myself, but Henry was all, “OMG LET’S GO TOGETHER” and kept billing it as a date which was creepy in itself but whatever, I let him go with me even though I was like, “You’re just going to fall asleep” and “You’re not going to understand it!”

(Probably his least favorite thing of all the things I say.)

Henry actually did fall asleep but it was just while we were sitting there watching all the pre-previews bullshit and I was reminded of why I hate coming to the big theaters as I drank my $5 bottle of movie theater water and lamented the fact that it was being shown at the quaint, single-screen threater down the street from us which is where I see all of my horror movies, but whatever. It was fine. There were only 2 other couples there so at least I didn’t have to contend with rude movie-goers.

And it was 90 degrees outside so what a great reprieve!

OK, so I’m not wild about reviewing movies but I just want to say that this movie, while perhaps not EXCEEDING my expectations, at least lived up to the hype. To be able to take a movie that is filmed literally entirely in bright daylight and make me feel cold with dread, you are a master. And Ari Aster is just that – he juxtaposed blinding sunlight in a beautiful Swedish meadow with what could be deemed as gratuitous gore if done by anyone else, but in Ari’s hands, it was cinematic perfection and it added to the story. It wasn’t gore for the sake of shock value. It was more like, “Here is this thing that just happened and just so you know, this is what a person’s body would look like after that. Oh, and aren’t these flowers fucking beautiful? Sweden, man.”

I can see where the Wicker Man comparisons would arise, but it never felt like it was ripping anything off from that movie. It’s a modern take on ritualistic cult horror with moments of levity, haunting music/singing, and a subtle psychological study of human relationships that goes from a slow-burn into outright chaos.

I watched an interview the other day with Ari Aster where he says that this is more of a movie about a breakup and goddammit, it’s true.

When we were walking back to the car, I felt sick to my stomach and extremely uncomfortable, which was the same way I felt years ago when I watched Valerie and Her Week of Wonders, which is this really haunting Czech surrealist horror movie from 1970 that made me feel like I wanted to peel my skin off and hide in a dark hole somewhere.

The saddest part for me is that also in that same interview, Ari says that he won’t be making another horror movie for quite some time – DISLIKE.

This is definitely not a movie for everyone. If you like Jordan Peele’s take on horror, and if you thought “Hereditary” was a masterpiece that stuck to your brain-ribs like a hearty meal of meatloaf and family dysfunction, then you will likely walk out of the theater feeling satisfyingly disgusted and excited about the growth of a genre.

I’m obsessed and can’t wait for the Midsommar pins to drop.

This picture has nothing to do with anything but perhaps there is a market for pictures of Henry eating bananas because he is SO SUBCONSCIOUSLY SEXUAL ABOUT IT. I have a “Henry’s Sexual Banana Time” jingle that I sing every time he walks out of the kitchen, deep-throating one. 

3. The Rice Krispie Treat

The weather has finally gotten hot and humid here in the ‘Burgh, not that I was excitedly anticipating it (the heat is fine but the humidity can go walk off a cliff with Taylor Swift). One day last week, it was particularly toasty out there so I decided to grab a Rice Krispies Treat from our snack table and take it to my favorite homeless lady. She is always sitting in a wheelchair on Liberty Avenue, usually outside of Images, and she is pretty friendly. She has complimented me on my coats and accessories numerous times over the years so if I have a dollar on me, I always make it a point to seek her out.

I passed Jeannie and Aaron in front of our building and tried to hide the Rice Krispies Treat behind my back, like they would even care if they saw it but I didn’t want to be like, “HELLO THIS IS FOR MY HOMELESS FRIEND” because it would be JUST LIKE Jeannie and Aaron to scrutinize the things I was carrying and then interrogate me about it because they live to make me uncomfortable, I swear to god. (Like, in a teasing sense, because they know how easily agitated and paranoid I can get.)

But I made it past them and my snack-hand went unnoticed.

On this particular day, my homeless friend looked pretty down and was definitely not her animated self. I started to hand her the snack and she waved it off. “Oh honey, I can’t eat that. My stomach hurts so bad, I can barely even keep down this water” and that’s when I realized that she didn’t just look like she was having an off day, she looked pretty sick. Even when I tucked a buck in her collection cup, she barely moved.

Look, my compassion only goes far, so I had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO AT THIS POINT. I nervously told her to take care of herself and then I ran away because I’m terrible when it comes to adversity.

But now, I was stuck carrying a Rice Krispies Treat in 95 degree heat, with no purse to put it in.

“Just throw it away,” Henry said when I frantically called him for advice.

Yes, advice.

This was a SITUATION, OK?

“I can’t throw away a perfectly good Rice Krispies Treat!” I cried, even though at this point, it was getting so soft from the heat that my fingers were starting to sink into it, wrapper and all, like a sweet, sticky cereal quicksand.

Is there porn that has a scene of guys sinking their dicks into a swimming pool-sized pan of Rice Krispies treats? Because there should be.

Henry would watch it.

Anyway, my backup plan was to find another homeless person to treat BUT THERE WAS NO OTHER HOMELESS PERSON ON MY ROUTE, for the first time ever! I guess the heat had them retreating underground, I don’t know, but none of the regulars were out. I did see this one older man sitting on the sidewalk with a service dog but I couldn’t tell if he was homeless and I didn’t want to offend him.

“He might just be a grifter,” was my exact play-by-play commentary to Henry, who, let me tell you, LOVES THESE AFTERNOON PHONE CALLS.

“Isn’t that the same thing as a homeless person?” Henry asked.

“No, I think it’s, like, a guy who ran away from his wife,” I said, giving Henry ideas BUT WAIT HE DOESN’T HAVE A WIFE.

Then all of these sidewalks were closed and I couldn’t go the way I wanted to go and I had to jaywalk, and this RICE KRISPIES TREAT was still in my hand, which was now cramping from holding it, and I cried to Henry, “WHY CAN’T ANYTHING JUST BE NORMAL FOR ME?!”

I ended up leaving it on a bench at the Point, but first I had to be all awkward and “pretend to sit on the bench” for a whopping 2 seconds so it didn’t look like I was just littering, and Henry was like, “I hope someone sees you leaving it there and returns it to you” and let me tell you, I would not have been shocked at all if that happened, because: my life.

4. Dinner with BARB

It’s so difficult to organize group dinners, even for just four people, but the stars aligned and Jupiter was sniffing Uranus at some precise moment, enabling Wendy, Jeannie, Barb and me to convene for dinner Wednesday night. We chose Proper and miraculously got a table after work. Jeannie and I walked over together and had enough time before Barb and Wendy showed up for Jeannie to peer pressure me into ordering some blood orange gin and tonic and I usually steer clear of gin ever since the time Psycho Mike and I took a whole bottle of gin from my Pappap’s basement bar and downed it on a hill in South Park and I SHOCKINGLY got SO SICK. So I usually avoid drinks with gin but Jeannie is convincing so we both ordered one and I was drunk before sipping even a quarter of it so you can imagine how I was feeling after slurping the last few drops.

Meanwhile, Barb had arrived and realized she left her glasses in the car so the waitress was like, “Oh, we have some cheaters behind the bar, BRB” and came back with a Moscow mule for the vision impaired.

Then Barb had to also turn the flashlight on her phone to help her see the menu and Wendy took that as her opportunity to hitch a ride on Barb’s poor eyesight train and get a good view of the menu. I can’t even laugh about it though because my eyesight is pretty terrible too.

Anyway, we had such a nice dinner! Group dinners can usually be chaos, with numerous people vying for a piece of the conversation spotlight, but I think 4 is a good number and we’re a really good mix! I’d like to think that no one walks away feeling left out afterward, and I just wish we could do this more regularly! I barely see Barb anymore and Jeannie is so busy at work that even though I see her everyday, we don’t get to talk very much! I can’t shake Wendy, though. (Just kidding, Wendy! You’re the best!)

Barb dropped me off afterward and it’s a good thing too because I was pretty drunk! I may have walked off the trolley platform if I tried to take the T home. Henry was just like, “WTF, seriously?” when I came into the house and then spent the rest of the night making sure I didn’t fall and hit my head.

Jeannie even texted me the next morning to see if I was hungover. NO, I WAS NOT.

Surprisingly.

Man, I cannot drink liquor anymore!

5. Summer Breakfast Club Week #4!

I love Summer Breakfast Club! Luckily, since I had the day off of work today, we were able to breakfast-it-up this week. I wouldn’t have been able to do it yesterday since I was working. :( Originally, Henry thought he was also going to have today off so Chooch and I had a secret huddle to discuss whether or not we should invite Henry, and if so, if we should go somewhere outside of our walking radius. But then Henry had to work so it was moot.

We were originally going to walk to this diner in Mt. Lebanon, Simone’s, because they have crepes, but Chooch got REALLY BAD SUNBURN on Monday because he’s a moron and did a piss-poor job applying sunscreen at the pool and then NEVER REAPPLIED even though I told him to (I wasn’t with him) and he also completely forgot to put any on his face, so he is a fucking mess right now. He’s finally past the shivers/fever/pain stages, but now he’s advanced to the “does that kid have a skin deformity?” stage of peeling, and it’s especially bad on his face because he had literal blisters so his face is like tri-colored right now. He looks like Freddy Krueger’s half-human son, and decided that he didn’t want to walk all the way to Mt. Lebanon looking like this (hello, teenage vanity) so we kept it local and went to Tom’s Diner which is always fine with me because I have never had a bad meal or service at Tom’s. It’s a classic! And if you go during the day, chances are the same older lady waitress will be there and she kind of reminds me of if Reba McIntyre was from Greece, maybe? I think that is what he accent is?

Then we spent the whole time googling sunburn remedies on our phones which culminated in Chooch insisting that he needs a mortar and pestle so that he can grind Aspirin into a paste and spread it on his skin.

I bet those weirdo Swedish cult members have excellent sunburn remedies.

Can we take a moment to appreciate two great things, cats and kpop? I have plenty of both in my life!

I put this bag on the floor just to see how long it would take Drew to jump inside. The answer is: not long.

This is the only picture of Penelope you’ll see here today.

She is so good at avoiding the camera!

Also, Chooch totally body-shames her so she’s very self-conscious. :(

Drew on the other hand is like, “HOW’S THIS POSE?”

I hate how possessive she is of Chooch and I remind her daily that I AM THE ONE WHO CHOSE HER, NOT CHOOCH. Honestly, Chooch wanted this elusive black cat that he saw for a split second and then it never came out from whatever it was hiding under, so I said, “Well…what about that one?” and pointed to Drew, who at that time, was known as “Troublemaker” by the owners of the house she was born in.

What a fucking accurate moniker.

I have been missing G-Dragon with full-blown desperation lately. I told Henry that we have to have a party for when he gets discharged from the military in the fall and of course Henry was like, “I know” but I think he’s probably banking on the fact that none of my friends give a shit about this and Janna will be the only one who even shows up and  that’s probably just because she’d be afraid not to, and also because she knows Henry will likely be making top notch party food because when doesn’t he so that right there will probably get people to come because lord knows I’ve attended many a party solely for the food.

Some of my friends like to make disparaging comments about him (his fashion sense is confusing to mere plebs, I guess) so I dramatically flipped out and told Henry that they can have fun sitting at home and looking at Instagram pictures of the party they weren’t invited to and Henry was like, “How can I do that, too….?”

Honestly, sometimes I take breaks at work just to worship my G-Dragon photo card. It helps hold me together, you know? HE IS KING.

Drew always lays down on the Devil rug right next to the nude lady.

She is seriously living her best life though.

The cats are definitely invited to my G-Dragon party!

What are: the components of a satisfying Saturday.

The weather was SO GOOD on Saturday and I had this big urge to walk to Orbis Cafe in Mt. Lebanon so of course I dragged Chooch along with me. It’s only about a 25-minute walk and he gets to pet lots of dogs on the way, so he accompanied me with little resistance.

We ended up walking nearly the entire way there in a small, accidental group that included us, a young Asian couple, and a girl/lady in a dress and silver sequined Converse high-tops who we found out later, as she was helping a random guy in a wheelchair cross the street to his doctor’s office, that she was going to a bridal shower that she would have been perfectly fine with missing.

Aside from  that, none of us had actually spoken to each other, yet in my mind, we had all become pedestrian pals over the course of the 8 or so blocks we had traversed together, so when we all went our separate ways as Orbis Cafe loomed ahead, I felt empty inside.

IS THAT WEIRD OR IS THAT WEIRD.

In my head, I like to pretend that I belong with a group. Sigh.

Anyway, at Orbis, I had a very refreshing cinnamon latte and Chooch had a banana muffin and iced tea which I knew he wasn’t going to like because it was unsweetened and I was right because I know everything about that kid. He wanted to throw it away but I made him carry it all the way home and put it in the fridge for his unsweetened tea-obsessed dad to chug later.

This is a church that has a nice roof. I’ve never been inside though. It might be a dump.

Later that afternoon, I went to Jiyong’s apartment to learn to make kimbap! Kimbap, in case you don’t know, are rolls filled with things such as eggs, sweet pickled daikon, pork, cucumber, etc. It’s similar to sushi in that they’re completely customizable, one-shotters wrapped in seaweed (kim) and always filled with rice (bap). It’s a popular picnic food and parents will usually send their kids on field trips with a roll or two.

Henry makes it occasionally but I have never once sidled up to him and asked him to teach me his rice-rolling ways so he was kind of like REALLY when I told him I was going over Jiyong’s to learn just that.

It was so much fun! She put on Winner and did all the prep work while I just stood there like a useless cardboard cutout which is what I was born to do. Literally my greatest talent.

She had me watch as she made the first one and I’ll tell you what, she made the Spreading of the Rice look so goddamn easy but when it was my turn, I was like “oh.” The struggle!

“It’s like doing crafts,” she mused, as I frantically peeked at hers to see if I was on the right track. I thought I was doing alright but then she reached over and rearranged my rice–mildly offensive!

J/K – she just wanted to salvage my roll because we had to eat it at some point so I wasn’t too hurt, I guess.

Omg the rolling process was no joke. She kept helping me with it and I would have been totally OK with her just rolling all of mine for me to be honest because wow, push-ups have made my wrists weak I think.

Here I am with my first roll of Kimbap!

I like that Jiyong will sometimes suggest that we take a picture because I’m still in that awkward getting-to-know-you stage where I want to be snapping away but I’m unsure.

Jiyong made one roll with ham in it too. “For Henry,” she said. Everyone always thinks of Henry!!

Jiyong also made a veggie-laden 떡볶이 (tteokbokki) which is an insanely popular street food / comfort food in Korea. Basic tteokbokki consists of rice cakes (not like, those dry discs of puffed rice that you eat while dieting, but stubby, chewy rice tubes that are the exact opposite of a diet food), fish cakes, and a sweet but intensely spicy sauce made primarily from gochujang, a Korean red pepper paste. I really liked Jiyong’s version of it because it was loaded with carrots and cabbage and green onions. (“파!” I blurted out to show her that I know what it’s called in Korean, lol.)

While she was preparing to set the table, she asked me if I could use chopsticks and I super causally said yes because I was afraid if I answered her too eagerly, I would give away the fact that I use chopsticks to eat my mostly-Asian dinners every night and I have a set of five animal design chopsticks that I could at work to eat my fruit or whatever.

“You can tell which ones you made,” Jiyong said as she examined the array of kimbap while we ate and I’m not sure if that was a compliment, or…

Anyway, what a great afternoon!

Later that evening, we went to some soft serve ice cream by where Henry works because I just wanted a plain vanilla cone with crunchies, nothing fancy.

Carousel Crew, back in action!

Henry’s a poor substitute for Janna though.

While we ate our ice cream, I made them walk down the street with me because I saw a HELP WANTED sign on some store we drive past and I needed to take a picture of it for my Job Spotter app.

“Where was it?” henry asked skeptically, because we weren’t in the best area.

“I dunno, down by that laundromat,” I shrugged, forging ahead.

“I literally just told you that someone was recently raped behind that laundromat but ok…” Henry sighed. Whatever – I got my Job Spotter entry and it was worth 96 points! THAT IS NINETY SIX CENTS IN MY WALLET, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Came home and just chilled the rest of the evening since we had to get up early on Sunday and drive to Toronto. Speaking of, my liveblog was trash (not that it’s usually treasure) because I got so sick after eating lunch, to the point where Henry was worried I had suddenly developed a gluten allergy or something. Something I ate clearly disagreed with me and my stomach honest to god puffed out like I was pregnant with rocks. It was so awesome. Especially when I had to go to a three hour long concert that night.

But that’s another story!

Hola, 안녕, hi-ho: it’s bright & early on a Sunday morning and we are currently en route to Toronto to see GOT7 so what better time to liveblog because I tried to liveblog from work before and that only goes so far.

7:47am: We just made our first Sheetz stop of the day after only being on the road for 15 minutes and Henry and Chooch are bickering over who knows more about spilling things, I don’t even know but now I have a headache and suddenly Henry is an expert on LSD. This is going to be a long day.

8:38am: Still in the car. Literally nothing is happening. Chooch has his headphones on and is pretending to not be associated with us.

8:48am: We just passed Aunt Bee’s!

9:03am: “Look: a little bird chasing a big bird,” Henry pointed out the window. And then, “It’s a nice day out. 72 degrees.” This is the kind of riveting discourse you get when in the car with Henry. Meanwhile:

9:37am: Just stopped at Getgo and Chooch and Henry had a fight at the register because henry bought a cookie and pretzel crisps and Henry yelled, “I DIDNT HAVE BREAKFAST THIS IS MY BREAKFAST” and the old ladies at the registers were like WOW and now we’re in the car suffering through Henry loudly eating his pretzel crisps and Chooch just asked him why he has to breathe when he eats. “YOU KNOW THE ALTERNATIVE IS THAT YOU TWO ASSHOLES CAN DRIVE YOURSELVES” and then he missed the exit and had to drive onto the shoulder and Chooch yelled “who are you-JANNA?!” and then he asked if he could have some of Henry’s cookie lololol.

He just threw his cookie at Chooch and now Chooch is choking on his laughter. Henry is not even close to laughing ahaha.

11:09am: We’re passing through Buffalo, about to cross the bridge into Canada and SHINee is the perfect road trip soundtrack.

I’m gonna have to power off my data here soon but I will continue the liveblog in Notes and update as I come across WiFi! #YouCare

11:16am: made it through in less than 2 minutes even though Henry is King of Suspicion. Omg he answers every question with such limp-wristed uncertainty.

12:11pm: Stopped at Tim Hortons for coffee and almost got ran over by some asshole who looked like he just got off his Canadian yacht and then attempted to linejump in front of us inside Tim Horton’s while loudly talking in a thick Canadian accent to his slutty second wife who he probably makes call him Captain, and his princess teenage daughter gets to sit shotgun while mommy rides in the back. Wow. (That last part is FACTS because henry saw them when they were pulling out of the parking lot.)

Also, when Henry pulled off the exit, he said, “Where’s Tim Hortons” and I said what I always say when he’s looking for something, that it’s up his butt, but then I lost it and couldn’t stop laughing because I was picturing Tim Horton literally making donuts inside Henry’s ass and that was 25 minutes ago yet here I am, laughing again like a weirdo and no one in the car is even bothering to ask what I’m laughing at.

1:56pm: We’re at Cosmic Treats in Kensington Market and Henry is being such a HORNET. I hate road trip Henry!!

Here he is being a TOURIST and not knowing how to PAY FOR PARKING.

DURRRRRR.

This place is playing CLASSIC 1980s soft rock. “That’s What Friends Are For”?!? “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You”??? The best. Plus our waitress looks like 1982 Madonna.

3:33pm: True to form, I ate a meal in a restaurant and now my stomach is hosting a sword fight.

We walked to Uncle Tetsu’s to get a Japanese cheesecake to take home and then Henry proceeded to act like an asshole on the walk back to the car and now everyone hates each other.

Basically, this could be any trip!

4:49pm: I might actually kill henry omg he is so annoying. We drove all this way out of downtown Toronto for bingsu and the place was cash only but he kept trying to Pay with his debit card and everyone was staring and we had to leave and now everyone hates each other and meanwhile there is a bingsu place literally where we came from in Toronto and Henry was all I DID NOT SEE IT WHEN I WAS SEARCHING and I was like ITS THE FIRST ONE THAT COMES UP IN YELP?! So now we’re going back to Spadina Ave and I told Henry he’s a Spadina and Chooch is hiccuping from laughing so much but I genuinely do hate Henry today I think!!!!

5:51pm:

We finally made it to this place in Chinatown called Snow Lava which is billed as Korean bingsu even though everything is in Chinese so…Anyway, Henry panicked and decided to go to an ATM first after the last bingsu attempt failed. So then we get to the place and he hands the guy a 20 but dude is like, “Oh I’m sorry I don’t have change for that” and Henry’s head nearly exploded but then the guy was like, “can you just pay with a card?” But Henry kept trying to give him the 20 and said, “Can you just give me 10 back and don’t worry about the rest of the change?” And the guy was like LOOK I SAID I DONT HAVE CHANGE FOR A BILL THAT BIG and Chooch and I were like JUST PAY WITH THE CARD!!

Then we sat at a table next to three young kids who were so giddy and spitting their bingsu everywhere and I was like “Let’s move, they’re annoying” and Henry was like, “They’re just like you and Chooch though?!” So then we moved and once our bingsu arrived, Chooch and I started cracking up over Henry eating and I spit my bingsu all over the table.

Full circle.

11:03pm: Well shit, I forgot to sign off before we went to the concert but now it’s over and it was amazing but that will be a blog post for a future day. THANKS FOR READING.

Thursday night, SOMETHING HAPPENED.

Chooch and I went to the CVS a few blocks away from our house.

I walked, and he rode his bike, which was whatever except that I got stuck carrying the bags (we bought a big jug of water plus some bottles of iced tea so it was HEAVY) because he was all, “Oh, I can’t carry those on my bike, sorry bro” and then pedaled off into the sunset.

Also, our least favorite cashier* was the only one working at that time so Chooch and I couldn’t play our desperate game of “PLEASE LET US GET THE OTHER CASHIER” where it’s like a secret race that the two cashiers don’t know they’re playing and I fucking swear our least favorite cashier ALWAYS WINS because some asshole in the other line has to start disputing prices or something, ugh. But on this night, the lady in front of us was like a verified meth head who had to stand with her legs staggered in horse stance just to stay upright, so she actually made Laverne seem normal.

*(I call her Laverne because she looks like someone named Laverne who lives in a trailer park but now I call her 1212 because one time I was there with Henry and our total was $12.12 and the way she said “twelve twelve” was so monotone and Laverne-ish that it just took a life of its own. I was fortunate enough to be clandestinely recording this and I thought it was greatest thing ever and kept using the hashtag #1212 when texting Henry after this monumental occasion and I would randomly blurt out “twelve twelve” in conversation until finally Henry asked me why I was doing that and WOW I GUESS THIS ONLY HAD AN IMPACT ON MY OWN LIFE, SORRY THAT I THOUGHT WE HAD SHARED SOMETHING SPECIAL TOGETHER IN WITNESSING LAVERNE SAYING OUR TOTAL WAS 1212.)

None of this is important to the main story, but I just had to share.

Anyway, I had to walk home alone in the dark and it was also starting to rain so that was really awesome, and the bags of beverage were ripping my arms out of their sockets, but that’s fine. I’m fine. You do you, Chooch.

Right when I got to our block, I noticed a shape looming under a tree. I jumped a bit when I realized it was a man, shuddering and murmuring to himself, but I didn’t stick around long enough to get a better look, figuring it was one of the people who work at the mental house on our street, because sometimes they stand on that corner to smoke cigarettes.

But just then, Chooch came zooming up to me on his bike.

“DID YOU SEE TOURETTE’S?” he panted.

Now, Tourette’s is this older gentleman who has been carousing around Brookline for as long as I’ve lived here. He actually used to live a few houses up from us but moved years and years ago, though he’s still somewhere in town because we freaking see him numerous times a week. I call him Tourette’s, which is terrible, I know, because he is always walking alone and blurting out swears. Like, he will often walk down our street, shaking his fist at all of the houses, screaming, “YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.” One night a few weeks ago, we heard commotion outside and I was like, “Oh god, is it a fight” but I looked outside, exhaled in relief, and said, “No, it’s just Tourette’s. Everything’s fine!”

If you’ve been around on this blog for awhile, you may remember my People of Brookline postcard series – he was on one of them!

Lately, I have been making some headway with him. For instance, sometimes I will pass him in the mornings when I’m on my way to the trolley and I’ll say hello, at which point he will say, “Good morning good morning good morning” in a sing-song way and it fills me with joy. Sometimes he’s even been on the trolley with me and we got off at the same stop downtown! I wonder what he does downtown!??!

So now Chooch and his friend Marky have been making a point of saying hello to him too and it seems to have been going well….

OK, where was I…Chooch asked me if I saw Tourettes.

I said no, I hadn’t seen him, no one had passed me on my super sad, solo walk home from CVS.

And then Chooch just started blurting out frantic words and what I was able to get from it was that he was riding his bike home with no bags from CVS when he noticed Tourette’s walking up the sidewalk by our house, and Tourette’s wasn’t paying attention so Chooch had to veer around him. While doing so, Chooch decided to also say hello to him, since they’re like bros now or whatever.

However, since Tourette’s head was up in the motherfucking clouds, Chooch’s salutation startled him.

“WHAT THE FUCK! ARE YOU INSANE?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!” Tourette’s allegedly shouted loud enough that Henry, who was probably in the middle of erotically masticating a banana, looked out the window to see what was going on—or as we say here in Pittsburgh, TO NEB.

I just asked Chooch what he said in response and he said, “Nothing, I just rode away like ‘wtf, no you’re crazy.'”

Meanwhile, Psycho Asscrack was outside of his house (THEY ARE IN THE PROCESS OF MOVING, AND SO WE REJOICE) and as Chooch was putting his bike away, Psycho Asscrack glared at him and then asked Tourette’s if he was OK and Tourette’s hollered that he was FINE.

“Psycho Asscrack sided with Tourette’s!?” I yelled with faux incredulity.

“I don’t care!” Chooch cried. “I don’t want that asshole taking my side, anyway!”

That’s when I realized that the shadow-shape I saw under the tree must have been Tourette’s, trying to calm down after BIG SCARY CHOOCH startled him by audaciously saying hi.

For something that I didn’t even witness with my own two eyes, this whole thing is relentlessly hilarious to me and I almost fell to my knees in laugh-tears when I was telling Glenn and Todd at work on Friday.

“You can never move,” Glenn said.

I KNOW! There is too much free entertainment right in front of my house.

Ever since I found out the mom of Baby Huey a/k/a Psycho Asscrack works at this hole in the wall diner (literally) on the boulevard, I’ve been dead-set on adding it to the summer breakfast club schedule. It’s called The No Name Cafe and Chooch was way against going here and kept saying we should just go to Parker’s instead.

Honestly, in all of the years I’ve lived in this town, I have never even bothered to look at the menu taped to the window, probably because I’m always too busy ragging on the shitty quality of the hand-written signs. (RESTROOM FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY, etc etc.) I mean, it looks like they handed a Sharpie and a notepad to a 90-year-old with arthritis, confiscated their glasses, turned off the lights, and then made them scrawl out the signs in their opposite writing-hand.

I didn’t take any photos because there is always a perpetual parade of people on the boulevard and I already look like I’m up to no good. However, the diner is closed now so I texted Chooch who is currently next door to the place at the teen center and asked him to send me some pictures of the signs, so here they are, photo cred goes to Chooch, god forbid:

Steeler Country, yo.

Ask Henry how many impassioned speeches I launch into about these signs, and how I would offer to make better ones for them with ONLY THE REQUEST of free grilled cheese for life as my payment.

I do not think this is too much to ask.

But then one night last week, I actually stopped and looked at the menu and exclaimed, “OH SHIT THEY HAVE BREAKFAST BURRITOS.”

I never knew that was a selling point for me but my subconscious self spoke, you guys.

This morning, I woke up at my normal “get up for work” time even though I’m late shift, that’s how inexplicably stoked I was today’s breakfast adventure. I woke Chooch up at 7:30 and he was like, “OMG SRSLY.” But he got up and headed straight to the shower because he was secretly amped for this, I just know it.

First, we had to walk to the ATM because CASH ONLY which I know thanks to a badly-written sign which apparently is still able to get the job done even without bubble letters, glitter pens, or like, a well-placed bloody handprint.

Now typically, I will see some elderly people enjoying their grits or whatever when I walk past the joint, but of course on the day we chose to go, NO ONE was at NO NAME. Just the waitress/cook on duty, who was not the mom of Baby Huey a/k/a Psycho Asscrack but another lady who I recognized because look, I do a lot of walking on the boulevard and she is often sitting on a chair outside of the diner and sometimes the neighboring bakery, weather permitting.

At first, it was really uncomfortable because it was just us and her, no music was playing, no, TV, nothing. And if you’ve met Chooch and me, you know that we can make even the most neutral situation awkward AF. We even made ordering beverage weird.

Stupid Chooch ordered the breakfast burrito (HOLD THE MEAT) and even though my gut was saying, “burrito me!” I panicked and ordered the french toast instead.

Then the waitress lady went around the counter and prepared the grill and I was like OMG SHE IS COOKING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF US and I don’t know why this made me nervous but suddenly I felt like I was in her house and things just got way intimate – why am I such a spaz.

Chooch and I kept nervously looking at each other and giggling, but then some old guy came in and sat at the counter and I think it was her dad? He didn’t order anything, but they were talking about how her daughter lost $7 or something, maybe at the pool. Then she brought our plates over and apologized to Chooch for not being good at folding burritos but HOLY SHIT his breakfast burrito was a Morning Monster of delicious A.M. foods! There were eggs, onions, peppers, and taco cheese spilling out in a greasy pool of THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY.

And look, my french toast had none of that fancy shit on it. It wasn’t stuffed with cream cheese and berries or crowned with a dollop of whipped cream. No, it was CLASSIC FRENCH TOAST, no gilding of the carb-lillies here, and it tasted just like the french toast my grandma used to make me while I sat patiently at the kitchen counter wrapped in a swathe of soft rock ballads.

OMFG I miss my grandparents’ house so much.

Anyway, that Dad Guy left and then it was just us and the lady, who was sitting on the other side of the counter looking at her phone. I don’t know what prompted me to do this, because I hate talking to strangers – I would make a terrible townie – but there is this bar on the boulevard that recently closed and it looks like the Parker’s people bought it but I forgot to ask the last time we were at Parker’s because I was too busy talking to Mr. Parker about Korea, so I turned in my seat and blurted out, “DID ZIPPY’S CLOSE?” and thus began a lively discourse about the happenings of Brookline and we found out that she’s my age, grew up here, has a daughter who goes to Chooch’s school (she’s younger, but he knows her), and is just a really cool, hard-working lady who is sick and tired of her kid leaving slime all over the house and I was like, “OMFG ME TOO! WHEN IS THIS FAD GOING TO END AND SHOULDN’T A 13 YEAR OLD HAVE OUTGROWN THIS BY NOW??”

I was so happy after we left because sometimes I forget about how I used to be, before life and society stifled me, how I used to be a TALKER and would talk to everyone and I actually had a personality. So, thanks Zippy’s Bar for making me curious enough about your status that I dared to ask a stranger for intel!

Later that day, I went to the post office and had a good chat with MAUREEN the postal clerk about tattoos because as soon as I walked in, she said, “Yeah see, I wouldn’t ever think that you had tattoos” because I was wearing a tank top since this was like, the first legit hot day of the year, it seemed.

What a strange & chatty day! Summer Breakfast Club is the best thing ever! I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL NEXT WEEK’S BREAKFAST! WHO WILL I TALK TO THEN?!

Shall we do another Woman Crush Wednesday kpop girl group edition? Yes, I think we shall. Here are some videos of the latest lady lalala’s that I’ve been enjoying.

RED VELVET – SUNNY SIDE UP

This isn’t the title track of their latest comeback but I like this song so much more! It has that sleepy-feel to it that makes me think of summer days lounging around my Pappap’s pool.

God I love Red Velvet.

SOMI – BIRTHDAY

Somi was my first favorite from the Produce 101 girl group IOI and it was pretty upsetting when their contract expired and everyone went on to join other groups or went solo, and Somi was just…sidelined. But she finally debuted last week and the “you’re not invited” Part has been playing hard in my head because people are always pissing me off and I want to uninvite everyone from my actual life sometimes DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

CHUNGHA – SNAPPING

Wow speaking of IOI, my other fave from that group is Chungha who went solo after the disbandment of IOI and literally everything she does is pop perfection. I still think I like her last comeback song (“Gotta Go”) best, but this one is strong too. Chungha is a fucking queen, bottom line.

(G)I-DLE – UH OH

Real talk, the first time I listened to this morning, it didn’t really stick to my ribs which is what I want my bubblegum jams to do immediately. But the second listen came through. (G)I-dle has a very distinct style that makes them easily distinguishable from other girl groups.

CLC – ME

It’s devastating to me that CLC isn’t way bigger than they are. Their songs are so strong and the message is SO GIRL POSITIVE.

Well, I guess I answered my own question. Anyway, the chorus is literally “beauty is me” which is something that we all need to learn to say about ourselves!

TWICE – BREAKTHROUGH

I’m a sucker for Twice and their Japanese releases are sometimes better than their Korean ones. This one especially! It has such an 80s vibe to it and the video is striking. Their choreo is always flawless but this one especially has a classic, nostalgic feel to it.

OK that’s all for this round of girl groups you should learn and love. Girl power!

God, if I only give Saturday its own post, Sunday will never let me hear the end of it, and we only just recently became friends so I don’t want to create any waves.

That being said, here is some crap I did on Sunday.

First, I woke up.

Ate cereal (I have cinnamon multi-grain Life with almond milk every single goddamn day unless it’s Summer Breakfast Club Day).

Exercised and watched a K-drama while Chooch was at piano lessons.

Took a picture of Penelope, who is majorly camera shy these days (maybe because Chooch mercilessly body shames her??!!) so I promised I wouldn’t post this on social media.

Then we were treated to a visit from Calvin who has reached the point of toddlerhood where nothing else matters but CARS.

It’s amazing how most kids go through this phase. My brother Ryan was massively into Hot Wheels and even I got into it too – we would make these glorious parking garages out of waffle blocks on the family room floor and it was always a good time, man.

Henry found a bunch of Chooch’s old cars in the basement (probably? I wasn’t there and I don’t care enough to ask) for Calvin to pilfer, but first Chooch had to go through them and take out the ones Calvin wasn’t allowed to have because Chooch is Bratboy Forever.

I shouldn’t talk – one of those cars was actually my old Goodyear Blimp that I feel like is special for some reason so god only knows how I let it end up in that collection, so I yelled, “YEAH YOU CANT HAVE THAT ONE, BOY” and Calvin was like, “Well, it doesn’t even have wheels anyway, so…”

Later that afternoon, we went to the Larimer Farmer’s Market which was interesting because that’s generally a pretty sketch area – I used to work 4-midnight right around the corner and we’d hear the police helicopter every single night. One night, I was in the parking lot on a break when there was a bang and I screamed “WAS THAT A GUN SHOT” and my coworker Eleanor calmly said, “yeah babe” and I did actual Loony Toons air-running in my haste to get back inside while she stayed out there smoking her cigarette.

And one time they found a DEAD BODY in an alley down the street!

Anyway, Henry said we would probably be ok since it was daylight and I really wanted to try this vegan Trinidad food vendor that was going to be there (I mean, I wanted to try the FOOD not the actual man vending it but ask me again if I get stranded in an avalanche with him, I guess).

Guys, we ate a lot of great foods at this place and the best part was that it was small and not swarming with vegan hipster assholes!

(I should note that we got there like 5 minutes before it opened though so we were literally the first customers which was awkward bc all the vendors stared at us hungrily, waiting for us to get close enough to be called into their admittedly delicious webs.)

First though, Chooch and I were drawn to Jak’s Bakery. You guys, he bakes traditional Bulgarian things! This was appealing to me because I was almost part-Bulgarian in that my birth dad had a fling with a Bulgarian exchange student and that’s how my older half-sister was created, so…close enough.

Chick chose the most traditional one—a banitsa, which is fluffy phyllo dough filled with ricotta and it was excellent.

I went for the most traditional of the sweet variety—the kiflo, which was filled with rosehip jam.

Also, Jak was super friendly and had a great accent so now I want to buy all his breads forever.

Next we hit up the Crustworthy table because whatta name, also more breads. This time though we went a different route and Chooch chose a strawberry trifle and Henry and I shared a vegan raspberry mint chocolate bar thing which tasted as wonderful as it looked. I like to pretend than vegan pastries have zero calories hahahahaha ugh.

Chooch fell in love with some old lady and her homemade chèvre and cheese curds and insisted on buying a bag of Cajun curds which was delicious but have I ever told you the story about when Henry and I went to Wisconsin for a music festival and ate so many cheese curds that we couldn’t poop for like a week and I thought I was going to need an operation?

Yeah. I watch my cheese curd-intake nowadays.

But then we finally (“finally” – this was set up on a tiny patch of grass which only around 10 vendors, so…) made it to ShadoBeni’s table which specializes in vegan Trini street food and this was what brought me to the yard, yo.

He currently just offers two different things: aloo (potato) pies and doubles, which are made with two flat dough things called baras and filled with glorious curry channas. The aloo pies are stuffed with various chutneys and sauces and I actually liked that better than the doubles, which are apparently the most popular item he serves.

Chooch wolfed down his doubles and then asked, “Does this mean I’m starting to be more….adventurous?” Yeah, finally, you picky little shit.

But even with all these glorious new foods we tried, he still maintained that he was not leaving that place without a pickle on a stick.

So he got himself a pickle on a stick from a food truck run by two bumbling, crude older guys who looked like they just got chased out of another town by the Goonies.

On the way home, I briefly fell into the Trinidad rabbit hole and started planning a future trip there but then I got sidetracked by the desire to listen to Tony! Toni! Tone! because I swear one of their songs mentioned Trinidad and Tobago but then I couldn’t find it and then in my search for that elusive song that may or may not exist, I stumbled upon the Wiki page for Black Men United which was a group of some of the best male R&B singers of the 90s who came together to sing a song for the JASON’S LYRIC soundtrack (one of the best movies, don’t @ me) and guess who was a part of that, none other than EL DEBARGE who was my favorite singer for most of my high school days so then I put on “Can’t Get Enough” but EL DEBARGE and theatrically lipsynched it to the side of Henry’s face while he was driving and then I was so giddy but also secretly depressed because I listened to that CD so much back then that I wore out TWO COPIES of it and my current copy is the THIRD one, who in the world even likes El DeBarge that much!? Me, apparently! Gone, I used to cry to that CD so much, thank you very much, Justin Kail a/k/a my first love who ruined my life. J/K, I’m fine and stopped being obsessed with him senior year when I met Psycho Mike who then went on to ruin my life even more than Justin Kail.

Later that night, I finally got Henry to sit down with me and start penciling out an itinerary for our Korea trip, which was exactly one month away at that point! We booked a tour of the DMZ and JSA which was something we wanted to do last time too but were leery because relations between the Koreas and US were even more strained than they are now.

It’s hard to believe it’s officially summer already, especially after the creepily chilly June we’ve been having here in Pittsburgh. But the sun was out in full-blaze all day yesterday and the sky was blue. It improved my mood exponentially!

Here are some pictures from yesterday, because it was a really pleasant day that I would like to remember for always.

(It occurs to me just now that I have been journaling/blogging my life since 5th grade like some kind of megalomaniac. Someday when I’m dead, someone will unearth of all my diaries, vacation journals, and blog and think, “Who the hell cares?”)

Pretty much every Saturday starts with cereal / Korean YouTubers / walk to the post office to mail cards. Lately, my Saturday post office experience has been less than stellar because there’s some new, young girl who has no personality and also doesn’t know what to do with scan sheets (we usually are mailing a clump of cards so we have a bar code that we print on a scan sheet which makes life easier for the postal clerks unless they don’t know how to do their jobs, then it just make it harder). My favorite Saturday clerk is this guy named Michael who will swear when the scale isn’t registering a weight and he’ll say things like, “If you take the survey at the bottom of the receipt, my boss will wash your windows.”

But this new broad is just resting bitch face all the way.

Then we walked to the coffee shop down the street because I wanted a chocolate chip cookie, OK?!

On the way back, right after I said hola to my Mexican taco cart boyfriend, we were waiting to cross the street when the first car in the line of traffic waved for us to cross. So I did. All I knew was that this guy was being nice and letting me cross and I can’t tell you how infrequently that happens when I’m walking to the Trolley on weekdays, trying to cross the street, and no one stops for me and I have to stand on the sidewalk and scream, “CROSSWALK! RIGHT OF WAY!” to all these fuckers.

Anyway, I pranced (literally, that’s how I cross the street when someone lets me go because I’m all nervous and trying to get to the other side as quickly as I can) across the street and right when I was in the middle, some other car started blowing their horns because apparently, they had a green light.

So the guy who let me go started screaming out of his window, and I thought he was yelling at me so I was confused and scared, but no, he was yelling at the person beeping.

“PEOPLE ARE CROSSING THE STREET, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!”

Like, he fucking bellowed it in his thick Yinzer accent AND EVERYONE AROUND THE BLOCK STOPPED AND LOOKED.

The firefighters loafing outside of the firehouse.

The elders sitting on benches.

The old man who owns Pitaland and sits at a table with his coffee.

MY MEXICAN TACO CART BOYFRIEND.

And Henry, who was still on the other side of the street.

So now I had to stand there and wait for the light to turn red so that Henry could cross.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU CROSS WITH ME?!” I cried, when we were finally reunited.

“Because they had a green light!?” he answered incredulously.

“Yeah, but that guy told us to go.”

“THEY HAD A GREEN LIGHT. WE DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY.”

Ugh, I hate when he knows rules.

Anyway, he said he didn’t even see that guy wave us across because he was looking the other direction, watching the streetlight, and the next thing he knew, I was leaping to the other side like a baby deer.

Anyway, I survived, thanks for your concern Henry.

Then we came home and I tried to convince Henry to turn his gift from Chooch into a pin. He won’t.

Speaking of Chooch, I think he was at the library during all of this…?

Later that afternoon, I met Jiyong for our 4th language exchange meet-up and I feel like this was our best meeting yet. I’m definitely getting more comfortable with her and we had a great conversation at Panera in Oakland for three hours! We talked about everything from cemeteries to maternity leave to The Cure (I was wearing one of my Cure shirts and then “Friday I’m In Love” came on the Panera soundsystem so that was an easy segue to my FAMOUS CURE STORY that literally everyone who knows me has to endure at least 8 times), we talked about Ouzo and our personal drinking habits (she and I both one-and-doners) to Song Mino to pierogies.

I’m really enjoying this friendship! She was is a really lovely girl and I’m happy that I stepped out of my comfort zone by suggesting that we meet in person.

She brought this really book she has where it takes dialogue from “Friends” to help Koreans learn English, but in this case, it works well for me too. She read the English side and then I would read the Korean side, but my problem is that I can sightread Korean fairly well, but since I’m studying alone, I make the fatal mistake of NOT READING OUT LOUD. So I’m not getting any practice of actually saying the words because I’m a dumbass, and even though in my head I know how to say them, as soon as my mouth wraps around it, it comes out sounding like garbage.

Since meeting her, I have been trying to recite things more when I’m alone, but I still read out loud at the speed of a kindergartner. Jiyong said that I can read it well, and I appreciate that, but I need to really work on speeding it up so I don’t sound like Encino Man.

We only did one chapter and I was fucking sweating by the end. Literally. I had to pull my shirt away from my body and fan myself. “I feel like I just exercised!” I exclaimed, and she  just laughed and said, “Cute.”

I gave her this little souvenir handbook of Pittsburghese that I bought on Friday at the History Center. Obviously I don’t want her to start saying “Yinz” or “dahn’ere” (down there) or anything because that’s a huge language foul, but I thought it would be a fun keepsake for her for when she goes back to Korea. Plus, in addition to the weird vernacular, there are legit things in there too, like various food explanations (haluski, etc.).

She asked me if I would want to come to her place next Saturday to make kimbap and YES OF COURSE I WANT TO! Henry thinks this is hilarious  because he makes kimbap from time to time and I have never expressed any desire to learn or help, but I want to learn everything that Jiyong is willing to teach me!

I’m not sure if I mentioned this already, but in our last meet-up, we were talking about G-Dragon and I said that for our last trip to Korea, we wanted to stay at his pension in Pocheon, but the website said that guests have to be 19+, no exceptions. Obviously, Henry wasn’t going to call them to inquire further, and my Korean is definitely not good enough to attempt an email, so we never pressed the issue and just wrote it off.

A few days later, I was at work when I got a Kakao message from Jiyong – she emailed the pension all on her own and asked on behalf of us if a 13-year-old was permitted to stay there, and they told her yes! She did that for me!!

Anyway, when we were talking about that yesterday, I mentioned that G-Dragon’s dad runs the place and she said that the person who emailed her back had the last name “Kwon.”

“Maybe I emailed with GD’s dad?!” she exclaimed. I love having a friend to talk with about these things!

Before we knew it, it was after 5 so we parted ways with the promise to meet again next week. Jiyong texted me pictures of the pages we went over so I am going to spend all week reading them out loud until I sound like a second-grader at least.

Also, the word for lesbian in Korean is lesbian – thanks for teaching me that, “Friends” dialogue book!

Henry got us Subway for dinner because sometimes you just need to have Subway for dinner, and then we went to Sugar Spell Scoops for some after-dinner vegan ice cream. So, the thing with Sugar Spell is that they used to only vend various festivals, etc. and it’s nearly impossible to get any because the lines get so outrageously long.  But sometime last year they opened a store front in Sharpsburg which isn’t a very trendy area – BLESS – so we didn’t have to deal with any assholes on our visit. (If this shop was in, say, Lawrenceville, I might never go.)

I wanted to go when they first opened, but their flavors in the beginning were really basic, like vanilla and chocolate, and I think Superman which I hate no matter who is making it, so I kind of put visiting this place on the backburner. But then Kara texted me last week and said they had blueberry lavender so that reignited my interest in this place!

The guy who scooped for us last night was SO NICE AND PERSONABLE. He kept having cone malfunctions (the sugar cones kept breaking on him) but he handled the pressure like a champ – it helped that we were the only people in line at that time, probably, and also that we weren’t getting all huffy about it. If anything, it gave me more time to figure out what I wanted – it’s weird having legit vegan options!

(I’m not vegan, just a plain veg, but I do opt for vegan when available.)

Chooch got Dunkaroos and let me taste it – IT WAS PHENOMENAL. You could taste the icing and the scoop was dense with moist dunkaroo bits. The scooper even took time to talk to Chooch about Dunkaroos, since they were before his time.

Honestly, the service is always half of the experience so based on this guy alone, I could easily see myself making this my new go-to ice cream shop especially since Millie’s is so fucking annoying to me lately.

I REALLY WANTED to get Dunkaroos as well, but I have this thing where we all need to get something different, so I went with the cherry chocolate chip and I must say – no regerts here. It was great!

The vegan ice cream I have had in the past (*cough*Millie’s*cough*) has usually been practically devoid of flavor and has a strange texture, but this was loaded with palate-pleasers. The consistency wasn’t too far off from dairy-based ice cream and it didn’t leave me feeling like I was a growing a brick-baby inside me afterward.

Notice I went with a cake cone to spare the poor scooper after he went through two bad cones on his journey to create Chooch’s dunakroos scoop.

I made Henry order the Blueberries n’ Biscotti sundae (he claims he was “probably going to order that anyway, so there”) because it came with GLITTER SPRINKLES.

He chose the Blue Moon ice cream to go with it, which is lemon-based, and I have to say, if I thought I had ordering remorse after trying Chooch’s, my taste of Henry’s sundae basically exiled me to the Land of Poor Choices. IT WAS SO GOOD and unlike any sundae I have ever tasted.

Henry refused to show emotions, as usual, but he was really happy with his sundae. I mean, doesn’t it suit him so well?!

I will definitely be returning to this place. They’re only open Friday – Sunday and their flavors change every day. I want to try every single one.

Afterward, I want to walk around that street for a bit because I’m still doing that Job Spotter thing where I take pictures of Help Wanted signs and submit it for points which can be redeemed for Amazon gift cards, lol. It’s so stupid but I like doing it so leave me alone. However, Chooch remembered that he has the app too so then we started fighting over who was going to get the pictures first (if you submit the same one at the same time as someone else, they reject it as a duplicate). Chooch beat me at getting the first one we came upon and I was so mad so then I got the next one after forcibly shoving him out of the way and then we had a big fight and Henry was like WHO CARES?!!?!? THIS IS STUPID!!! and then Chooch stormed off ahead of us and it was Big Trouble in Little Sharpsburg but then eventually we all moved on.

Me: Henry, please stand here and point at that sign.

Honestly, this picture might be peak “THE SERVICE” for me.

Capped off the night watching “Us” which Chooch and I had already seen at the theater with Janna, but Henry wanted to watch it so I felt obligated to watch it with him in case he didn’t understand it (lol). I like that movie a lot.

Then right as I was starting to fall asleep that night, I sat up in bed because I smelled smoke which is the scariest smell to smell late at night, scarier even than Henry’s farts. So Henry jumped out of bed and got all VOLUNTEER FIREFIGHTER mode. He threw on all his clothes and walked across the street to try and determined where it was coming from. We started hearing sirens almost immediately so knew we didn’t have to make the call, but it was scary because smoke had made it all the way to our street. We decided to drive and see where the fire was coming from, and it was a house a few blocks away from us which made me feel sick to my stomach (I was hoping it was just an empty building on West Liberty Ave, not someone’s home) but we found out this morning that no one was hurt (I was only worried about the possibility of animals being hurt so I’m hoping that “no one” also includes pets) so that’s a relief.

YEAH, THAT WAS MY SATURDAY, HOW WAS YOURS.

This past week has somehow flown by even though it was pretty hectic and chaotic at work. But, I made it without any breakdowns and to reward myself, I will….exercise and write in my blog.

Wow. Livin’ large.

Since I’m mentally drained though, let’s just look at pictures from my phone from the last week+ plus whatever I deem newsworthy. (I know, I know, isn’t everything in my life newsworthy?!)

Oh and if you came here expecting an update on my NEIGHBORHOOD VIGILANTE PROJECT, forget it—those Pittsburgh cops are dicks and still haven’t replied to my email.

1. Neighborhood Shakeup

A few months ago, new people moved in next to HNC&Co. You might remember that I hated the previous occupants because they never said hello to me and the husband took up the whole back driveway with all of his broken cars that he fixed in a perpetual loop. An older broad replaced that family and while she hasn’t really stirred the pot much, her son IS A FUCKING DICKHOLE. First of all, he used to park a DUMPTRUCK at the top of the driveway, which is shared by four families (two duplexes, it runs down the middle and all four garages face it). Now, this doesn’t affect Henry and me because we park in a lot across the street, but HNC and his wife have several cars down there, which were constantly getting blocked in. And Haley likes to briefly park at the top of the driveway when she comes home from the store because she has two kids ages 2 and below that she needs to get in the house, so she was going to leave a note on his dumptruck but Blake talked her out of it.

In addition to the dumptruck, this kid also has a horrible temper, a megaphone mouth, and a large fleshy backside that he LOVES TO SHOW. Honestly, I’ve seen his ass crack enough times that it helped me lose weight maybe even more than Jillian Michaels.

Eventually, the dumptruck disappeared, but he’s still over there screaming his face off in the front yard when he gets locked out of the house. Now he has some kind of Blazer, which he also keeps parked in top of the driveway. One day last week, I was upstairs after work and he was outside hollering like a derelict and I HAD HAD A BAD DAY AND JUST WANTED TO COME HOME, DRINK A CUP OF COFFEE IN QUIET, EAT MY FUCKING DINNER, AND EXERCISE. But now I had to listen to this caveboy yelling in his front yard so I came stomping downstairs, whipped open the front door and started yelling over my shoulder at Henry about how this kid was such a psycho asshole because I cook all my Beefs on a passive-aggressive setting. Psycho Asshole was lurching back to his Blazer-thing with long Yedi-like strides, barking indecipherable threats at me, so I slammed the door and Henry was like, “Great, now he’s going to kill us all.”

A few days later, HNC texted Henry a picture of Psycho Asshole’s Blazer. HNC DUCT-TAPED A WARNING ON IT that said “STOP BLOCKING THE DRIVEWAY” and advised Henry to let him know if he continued to park there when HNC wasn’t there. Great, now that kid might think it was me since we just made hateful eye contact a few days prior.

Anyway, HNC calls him “Baby Huey” which kills me and said that Baby Huey’s mom said he has “anger issues.” YEAH NO SHIT. But, apparently they’re moving at the end of the month so I’m really happy about this and now Janna wants to try to move in there but I told her to wait because Blake and Haley are apparently moving soon too and I just want to die because they have been the best neighbors I’ve ever had, wahhhhh.

So, that’s my neighborhood update that you never asked for.

2. SURPRISE MAIL!

One day last week, Henry received a package and the above text exchange ensued.

Dude is constantly getting packages in the mail and it’s always dumb shit like ink for the printer or envelopes for our card shop.

But then a few days later, I was working from home when a package arrived that was actually for me!

Maya got me a burrito blanket! I really wanted one of these too! I actually sent Henry the link a few months ago and said, “Buy this for me” but of course he didn’t – I should have said, “Buy this for Blake” and then he probably would have.

I was born to be a cat chaise. 

3. One of My Purest Pleasures In Life…

…is getting into bed at night with a sheet mask on my face and then when it’s time to take it off, slapping it across Sleeping Henry’s bare back, or sometimes his face depending on how I feel. He only wakes up sometimes.

Chooch recently got into sheet masking so maybe I should clue him into the secret final step of sheet masks.

4. SONG OF THE DAY

Monsta X released a new song today, a collab with French Montana, and at first I was leery because all of these collabs with western artists never seem to add anything magical to the songs, but I am so happy to report that this one WORKS. But my favorite part is that it gives off STRONG Charlie Puth vibes. You know how much I love Charlie Puth – sometimes when I’m working from home, I play “Attention” on repeat real loud, reminding the neighborhood that I sometimes listen to things other than Kpop.

(Chooch just called out from the other room, “Is this the new Monsta X song? It doesn’t even sound like Kpop. It sounds like…The Weeknd.”)

We had Father’s Day dinner at an Indian restaurant because Chooch is obsessed with Indian food now and if his obsessions are anything like my obsessions, we’ll probably be going to India one day soon. Also, he criticized Henry throughout the entire meal. On Father’s Day. 

5. Summer Breakfast Club: Guest Clubber Edition!

Kara and her crew, Harland & Theo, joined Chooch and me for breakfast yesterday at Pamela’s and it was awesome! It’s been a hot minute since we all got to hang out together and we had a great time.

I really love Summer Breakfast Club because Chooch is always running around during the summer and I barely see him so it’s nice to have something that both of us enjoy doing (eating breakfast, I guess). We always walk to breakfast so it gives us time to have good talks (usually making fun of Henry and/or Korea memories) while getting in some morning exercise and just good, old fashioned quality time. Plus, it’s something that Henry’s not a part of so I feel smug about that because my end game is obviously to always be the favored parent, come on now.

It’s nice to have a morning once a week where we can sit down and bullshit over food (on this day it was an omelet that had an egg shell in it, so that was cool) before I have to log on and start working from home.

I proposed to Chooch on our nightly walk down the Blvd tonight that we eat at THE NO NAME CAFE next week for SBC, because that’s where Psycho Asshole’s MOM WORKS – we actually saw her in there when we walked past and Chooch went, “Why is she sitting on the other side of the counter?” and I was like, “Uh because she works there?” and he acted all surprised which goes to show you how well he listens to me because I have fucking told him this before and also I wrote about it once on here, so way to read Mom’s blog, asshole! Anyway, Chooch thought that this was a terrible idea but I think I talked him into it, so next week’s breakfast should be a real adventure. I’M GOING TO TALK TO THAT LADY.

Ok, well, that’s five things. Well, four things and a video.

Our Big Day On the Loose W/O Henry wasn’t over after we left Conneaut Lake Park, oh no. We had some kind of famous frozen custard that we needed to motorboat.

But first! Janna had to go the wrong way when leaving the Conneaut parking lot and proceed to turn around.

Janna’s murder podcast was still playing. Chooch told me later that he was frustrated because she had it playing on the back speakers only so he couldn’t hear what we were talking about and if there’s one thing about Chooch, it’s that he’s exactly like me and HATES missing out on adult conversations.

When I was a kid, I would always be desperate to know what my Pappap was talking about to other adults in the room so I would constantly be piping up with a “Who?” or “Why?” and he’d be all, “Are you writing a book? Leave this chapter out.”

HARSH.

Anyway, this joint isn’t too far from the lake and Janna seemed to know where she was going once she got her bearings. I guess Janna used to patronize this establishment a lot back when she went to college in this area, so that makes more sense now that I know this is why she follows them on Facebook and not just because she collects the Facebook pages of random ice cream parlors in the boonies.

I was mad when we got there though because it’s a CASH ONLY CREAMERY and Janna did not WARN ME of this! So we had to stand in line and wait for these two elderly women to push every button on the courtesy ATM and I feel like it’s blasphemy to mention my Pappap in a blog post and then go on to bash old ladies a few paragraphs later, but these bitches were so slow and annoying! I swear to God, I almost flipped out (not on them, on Janna) and demanded that we just leave because the hatred was making me not care for ice cream so much anymore!

ALSO, THE FLAVOR OF THE DAY WAS BANANA AND I DON’T LIKE BANANA-FLAVORED THINGS USUALLY.

(I love real bananas though and will typically slice one up as a mix-in for my pathetic everyday lunch of instant oatmeal at work.)

(Actually, for a while, A-ron thought that I was putting a banana in my tea because I make my oatmeal in my coffee cup using the hot water that everyone uses for tea…so he was going around telling people that I was making banana tea which I can’t tell if that sounds good or gross.)

Once those bitches finally got their money, it was my turn and now not only was I mad that those ladies got to the ATM first, I was additionally angry at the $2.50 service fee! UGH, JANNA!

AND THE SMALLEST DENOMINATION WAS $20!!

This is what happens when I’m out in the real world with Henry and now I have to be responsible for paying for things. Shit’s expensive! That inflation hullabaloo is real talk! Ugh, I really like it when I can be all young and ignorant while Henry is the one opening the wallet.

Luckily, the line to order went super fast because they were well-staffed and efficient. The guys in front of me got TWO SCOOPS each – one of banana and one of chocolate.

Well, now I was intrigued. I never considered mixing the banana with another flavor. So on a whim, I ordered the same and then prayed I wouldn’t have regerts. Unless it was like, banana cream pie, I would probably never get a banana-flavored scoop of ice cream so this was a big step for me.

I really hate banana popsicles too.

WAIT A MINUTE – banana pudding pops are pretty good though.

Sorry, I’m like really writing a research paper on my palate here.

You guys. Janna was right. So were the guys in front of me. This custard was AMAZE. I had assumed it was just going to be like the soft serve-esque version of custard but NO. It was thick, rich, creamy, and scooped straight from these giant metal vats.

And the banana tasted l like decadent banana pudding so I was SOLD. Even Chooch was like, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting to like this as much as I do…” I mean, we liked it so much that it wasn’t even worth pretending like we didn’t just to piss Janna off. That should tell you something.

We were in love with these sweet lickable mounds.

Meanwhile, Janna got two scoops of chocolate (#NoAdventure) and then had the audacity to ask for JIMMIES but of course the scooper was like, “WTF, you mean, SPRINKLES?” I was so offended that Janna said “jimmies” and I’m glad that I didn’t hear it happen because it might have caused me to lose one of my scoops.

God, Janna.

It was still raining so we stood under the overhang of Hank’s right in front of the car of the OLD LADIES, like we were having an scoop-slurping standoff.

Then it was time for post-dessert dinner. We were still starving even though we were filled with Hank (gross) and to be honest, I probably could have sucked back another scoop or three. But we wanted real food now, and I was adamant that we go to this place we passed hours ago when we first got off the highway – it was a family restaurant/truck stop diner called Aunt Bee’s and for some reason, I had really latched on to it.

But first, Janna made us drive around Meadville so she could show Chooch her old college and say things like, “I REMEMBER DRIVING ACROSS THIS BRIDGE WHILE LISTENING TO KC & JOJO” and Chooch probably thought she was talking about Jojo Siwa but also he probably couldn’t hear her over all the murder in the backseat.

It was while looking for Aunt Bee’s that Janna committed the most U-Turns. When I think of this day, I will think of U-Turns first. I lost count of how many U-Turns happened, but there was definitely one instance where two U-Turns went down on the exact same part of this road road.

In Janna’s defense though, several of the U-Turns happened because the road that Aunt Bee’s is on literally looks like some gravel dumping ground for machinery, so we didn’t think it was right, but the Google bitch just kept repeating over and over to TURN LEFT ON SMOCK and Janna was like THIS CAN’T BE IT! And then somehow we ended up on a road above it, looking down at Aunt Bee’s, screaming, “HOW DO WE GET THERE?!” Finally, I told Janna that she was just going to have to take a leap of faith and drive her car off the overpass into the parking lot for Aunt Bee’s and she did that and sadly perished but Chooch and I survived.

See?:

Janna’s ghost took this picture for us. And by ghost, I mean the pinwheel made from her vertebrae.

Anyway, see how that sign that says “WELCOME”? Oh yeah OK. Sure. We were anything but welcome! We walked in and all the elderly townies swiveled in their seats and leered upon us like we were three Pee Wee Hermans entering a senior citizen biker bar after knocking over a row of their Hover-Rounds.

“Maybe they think we’re a lesbian couple!” I said to Janna and she was like, “You’re not my type.”

Their tagline should be, “GOOD LUCK FINDING US.”

Also, I love that they bake wedding cakes.

We were the youngest people there, except for our waitress who was so nice but Janna was kind of mean to her?! She was like, “IS THERE MAYO ON MY BLT?! OH WAIT, NEVER MIND THERE IS” and didn’t apologize for jumping to conclusions!

Also, Janna ordered potato soup that looked like a clump of mashed potatoes in a cup.

(The following Monday at a work lunch, Sue mentioned that she likes thick soups and I was like, “Boy, do I know a place for you!”)

Chooch ordered spaghetti and failed to note that it came with meatballs, so while making gagging noises, he attempted to transfer them onto his napkin but then one went rogue and nearly rolled off the table, causing all carnivores within a 5 mile radius to feel a sharp pain in their heart.

Me? Oh I just had a grilled cheese and the best fresh cut fries I’ve had in some time, so I was alright.

Baby animals and life advice on the wall of the bathroom. I was going to text this to my pal Alyson but her band was in LA playing a show at the Whiskey Go Go (!!!!!) so I didn’t want to interrupt that with a loo text even though I don’t think she would have minded too much!

Selfie in Aunt Bee’s bathroom.

Now I’m kind of sad that we didn’t have Hank’s way earlier in the day, before we went to Conneaut Lake Park, because I would have like to have stuck my thumb in one of their alleged fresh-baked pies.

And then we went home, but first Janna had to literally pass up the highway exit immediately after leaving Aunt Bee’s. Like, she even slowed down and looked right at it then failed to turn.

I can’t wait for our next day trip!!!

Janna follows some frozen custard place on Facebook and mentioned that she had wanted to stop by and get some but that perhaps driving 90 minutes to Conneaut Lake was a bit much just for ice cream but I was like BITCH PLZ, BEST REMEMBER WHO U BE TALKIN’ 2 so after I took off my queen bee rapper chains, I quickly convinced her that this was the best idea she’s had probably ever and that I would be happy to accompany her.

In my head, I had it billed as some big deal GIRLS DAY OUT and wonder who would be Romy and who would be Michelle, and I was so giddy about this all last week! When Saturday rolled around, aka THE BIG DAY (god, my life is so rich), Chooch was moping around. “Where did you say you and Janna were going again?” he asked, and then sadly murmured, “…oh” when I told him.

Later that morning, when I was upstairs drying my hair, MOM GUILT crept in. “Do you want to go with us” I texted him. A moment later, he bounded up the steps, dove onto my bed, and screamed, “Yes!”

Janna was like “Sigh.”

No, j/k, we’re all BFFs here.

The plan was to swing by Conneaut Lake Park for an hour or two as well even though it’s sad and decrepit…but, it’s there and it’s $10 for a ride-all-day, lol. They have a really old wooden coaster and a pretty rundown but fun dark ride, too. Janna surprisingly was on board with this even though rain was in the forecast all day…

…and it started literally the moment we turned off the highway on the Conneaut exit.

I blamed Janna because it took her so long to come and pick us up!!

We were going to alter plans by going to a cafe first so Janna pulled over in some spookily small town so we could troll Yelp but since we weren’t in some metropolitan area, the options were very slim. I got frustrated and eventually just decided for the whole car that we would continue on to the park even in the rain.

In the few minutes it took to get there (Janna had to turn around a few times), the rain had ceased! It was still a dreary day though, and kind of chilly too so I was glad I wore a jacket. Janna parked basically in a field and we immediately found ourselves surrounded by LAKE FREAKS. Just like, you know, townies trying to enjoy a rainy day at the broke down amusement park, same as us BIG CITY CREEPS.

STICK IT TO THE DEVIL.

We rode the Devil’s Den right away, as soon as we got our wristbands. (Janna reluctantly bought one too once she realized that otherwise, she would have to buy $5 worth of tickets just for one ride–maybe Henry could have found her a coupon during one of his Bored Housewife Coupon Hunts.)

The ride operator has to actually push the cars into the entrance and around a corner until the car catches the chain on the small lift hill. Basically, Henry might be able to build something like this, is all I’m saying.

I thought it would be funny for Janna to go first for some reason and then the next day, I started cracking up because what if we had sent Janna in alone and SHE GOT MURDERED. I tried to tell Henry this but it came out as a indiscernible bray courtesy of my giddiness.

Janna was playing some podcast about the Susan Powell case during the whole ride there and back so I guess I just had murder on the mind.

I don’t know why I’m laughing like a maniac here because the ride isn’t really all that great but it has been long enough since my last jaunt through the Den that I forgot enough of it to make actually scream. But yeah it’s most just a bunch of darkness and Kmart decorations from the 1970s.

When we rode it the second time, we were all supposed to ride separately so that we could each take a picture of each other but then Janna wasn’t privy to that plan I guess because after Chooch departed alone in his pretzel car, Janna got in the same car as me! So then there was no one to take my picture!

I mean, the obvious solution to this would have been to get back in the non-existent line and ride again, but we were over Devil’s Den by then.

One of the things I was most looking forward to was riding the Witch’s Stew again, I guess just because it looks cool?! I mean, the ride itself isn’t that great and it’s actually in pretty bad shape. There were cobwebs in the car Chooch and I chose and when the operator slammed the door shut behind us, a swarm of tiny gnats awoke and fluttered out from god knows where, you guys, it was creepy and I was afraid of inhaling them.

Anyway, the ride takes forever to start because the cars can only be loaded one at a time due to the fact that there’s not an platform that people can walk up to access the cars that are on the incline. So jacked.

Janna stood by the fence and diligently took photos of us like she was our mom. It was adorable. WE ARE ADORABLE.

lol jk we’re annoying.

Yeah boi finally time to ride the Blue Streak! It wasn’t running when we first arrived because it had been raining. I was really stoked about this one and let me tell you something: absence make the body forget pain because in my mind, all I remembered was, “Yeah, I think this one is pretty rough if I remember correctly, but it’s not like, the worst.”

Oh no. It’s actually the worst. I mean, it starts off great! You go straight into a tunnel that seemingly goes on for miles and Chooch was screaming, “I love this already!” and we were pretending to pull Janna’s hair, Janna who stupidly sat in front of us, Janna who had no idea this ride was going to be the difference between a relaxing Sunday at home and a painful Sunday getting fitted for a neck brace in the ER.

As soon as we began the ascent up the first hill, I started to have flashes of recognition and suddenly wondered if this would be the worst idea we made that day. The ride is in BAD SHAPE. I mean, the track going up the hill wasn’t even straight! It was all warped and the wood looks like a termite commune. And then as soon as we hit the bottom of that first hill, the discs in my back cracked like knuckles on a cold day and Chooch started howling in pain and Janna passed out and then slid out of the car and her limp body somersaulted into the woods of Conneaut where the townies came and made pinwheels out of her vertebrae and then stole her ride-all-day wristband for their five-year-old who was born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

DAMN JANNA, YOU AND THOSE PODCASTS.

Chooch’s review was, “I feel like an old man. I never want to ride that again.”

The best part honestly was the two weirdos running the ride. They had more personality than all the fishermen on the lake COMBINED.

We had to recuperate on the carousel after that.

Carousel crew. I love this picture so much! I need to get a frame for it and keep on my desk at work to remind me OF THE GOOD TIMES. This is also such a great depiction of the relationship the three of us have – it’s not like “me and Janna and my kid” but it’s like we’re all the same age and just hanging out for the day. Chooch has always been one of the grown-ups! Or maybe it’s just that I have always been one of the kids…maybe Janna feels like she’s our babysitter?!?

For years, I wouldn’t ride carousels because I have a fear of heights, even low heights, and I would GET STUCK on the horses because I’d be too scared to try and get off when the ride ended. Many embarrassing episodes resulted from that. I actually almost fell off the one I rode a few weeks ago at Waldameer.

You guys. This ferris wheel is NEW FOR 2019! I’ve seen nicer ones at church carnivals, but Conneaut’s trying, I guess. I mean, this place is on the brink of shuttering it’s proverbial windows every season so this is a good sign!

We walked over to the lake for a brief look-see and Chooch immediately tripped and nearly took a nose-dive into the wet sand that might as well just be mud.

Hotel Conneaut is haunted!

We saw a wedding party getting their pictures taken in the “midway” of the park which is cool if they were going for a post-apocalyptic carnie style.

These were supposed to be pictures of us “relaxing” but we just look like Janna roofied us.

Chooch took this picture as an example of the shitty framing Henry does when we ask him to photograph us and I love how it turned out because I was literally in the middle of bitching about Henry so I imagine this is how my face must look the majority of my days.

Meanwhile, we were in front of the hotel and Janna said, “Wow, I guess this is where those people got married. That’s weird.”

This infuriated me.

“Why is that weird?! People get married here all the time!” I exclaimed. “Did you think they got married in the amusement park?!”

“No, but I mean, this is just a weird place. Like, why here?”

“BECAUSE IT’S A BEAUTIFUL HOTEL?!” I screamed, and then I realized what Janna was talking about was the chairs set up in THE CAR PORT in front of the hotel. Like, they literally got married in a glorified driveway and so then I was all touché, Janna.

And then it started raining again, pretty hard too, so we left and went to get Janna’s beloved frozen custard. Chooch and I were actually getting pretty hungry at this point (Henry wasn’t home to make us lunch before we left) so it’s a good thing we left when we did because our OTHER FACES were going to show very soon.

Conneaut needs another coaster, like a Wild Mouse or something, and maybe a log flume. Then it would be more worth the whole whopping $10.