For my birthday last month, all I wanted was a glorious day at Kennywood – Pittsburgh’s amusement park. I wanted ice cream and cheesy fries and to later choke on the ice cream and cheesy fries l when it rose violently up into my esophagus while on the spinny rides. But then Blake bailed on us so my only riding partner was Janna, who will barely ride anything more daring than the scenic train. And I hate riding with Henry because he never talks to me in the lines. Like he’s embarrassed or something.
This asshole totally lied and said it was SO SCARY and REALLY AWESOME. The only scary part was when Janna tried to kiss me!
Luckily, I got to have a birthday do-over yesterday at the Westmoreland County Fair. Sure, the rides there are more painful than fun, but both my brother Corey AND Blake AND Janna came with us, so it was like a party for me. And Hell for Henry.
YOYO
I knew we had arrived at the fair as soon as my ears were slammed with the cacophony of blaring Taylor Dane, the desperate carny-call of “EVERYONE’S A WINNER!” and the dinging bell of Henry’s blood pressure rocketing skyward.
My new favorite picture of Blake. I love how those kids are like, “Hello, Dateline? Predator alert. Weird lady taking our pictures for the Internet.”
Westmoreland County must not be too bad because the only people I found to be fun-making worthy was some old man in overalls, a family of matching mullets, and a wanna-be MILF who looked like she was rode hard and put away wet (Henry’s favorite saying, probably because it reminds him of his ex-wife).
This girl fled after she realized I was taking her picture. Apparently it’s weird to just walk up to a stranger and snap.
Bunny Ear Bingo. Had to shout MOVE IT and shove Janna out of the way so she wouldn’t gay up the Bingo throwdown.
This carny was the cleanest and most jovial of them all. Which is good, because he was manning one of the kiddie rides.
It always seems like a good idea to encapsulate yourself in steel death traps at the fair, until the carnies come by to slam the cage down on your head and you realize you just put your life in the hands of someone who can’t even take care of their own teeth. They call them carnies because of the CARNAGE.
Blake kept trying to get me to bum a cigarette off one of them so we could share it. While it sounded tempting, I was fairly certain that would be a good way to destroy my relationship. “WHERE DID YOU GET THAT CIGARETTE???” “Uh, your GIRLFRIEND?” I was joking about that today with Henry (he wasn’t laughing) and he said, “You forgot the part where I backhand it out of his mouth first.” Yikes.
Corey, Blake and I rode this one ride that looked really tame from the ground, but as soon as it started, centrifugal force (I was good at all the sciences but physics) slammed my fat ass into Corey and from there, we enjoyed the most painful, car-wreck-like ride of the fair. Janna, who was watching from the safety of the comfortable land, said it honestly looked like Corey was going to fall out. It was so painful that I was crying/laughing and then, and I’m not going to lie, a pee drop came out, so not only did I have to fight to stay alive, but I had to also spend the duration of that fucking piece of shit ride trying not to urinate on the entire fair below, like I was spraying the fall harvest or some shit. He got me back on another ride later, as my flesh was practically ribboned on the door of the rattling cage in which we were imprisoned.
After we disembarked, Corey and I adopted a zombied gait (I was essentially using both hands to coax my right leg forward); Blake was all, “WTF is wrong with you guys? That ride was fucking great, I enjoyed myself to the fullest.” BECAUSE HE SAT ALONE AND DID NOT HAVE THE OUTSTANDING OPPORTUNITY TO FEEL THE SENSATION OF MELDING WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.
Today, I’m walking with a slight limp.
Corey, still recovering and threatening to puke on Chooch, who unfortunately spent most of the time with Henry. How booor-oooor-ing.
Old people, oldin’ it up.
Obligatory Scene Kid shot. I <333 scene kids!~!
‘Sup Willie.
Observing my mounting interest in winning treasures made in Taiwan, Henry was wise enough to hide in the shadows to give his wallet a rape-reprieve. So Blake and I begged, nay – HOUNDED – Janna for money to play the balloon popping game. She looked like a virgin in headlights, wanting to say no, but not wanting to look like an asshole. Finally, she sighed heavily and mumbled, “Let me open my Mommy Purse and see what I have.” Blake and I got our way, but quickly lost interest and pawned off our cheap prizes on Chooch.
Janna was too much of a pussy to ride this & opted instead to stay on terra firm and fiddle with her pleasure vegetables. Blake got yelled at for jumping before the ride started and I mocked him like the child I am.
Overall, MUCH better than my birthday and I didn’t get any pizza on my shirt this time.The whole set can be seen here.