Before I get all up to my elbows in jolly holiday blog posts, I want to give a quick shout out to my California bestie Andrea who once again hooked us the fuck up. She makes me feel like a kid again on Christmas!
We don’t usually put any presents under the tree until late on Christmas Eve after Chooch is in bed, so he noticed immediately the other day when there was a mound of wrapped wonderment sitting idly beneath the boughs. “WHO ARE THESE FROM!?” he screamed while prodding and shaking each one.
“Aunt Andrea,” I said. “And stop fucking with them!”
“ANDREA’S MY AUNT!? AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME!?”
Ugh, kids are so literal. Later on, we were walking to CVS and he was STILL talking about the presents. “I know that one of the ones for Daddy is Fifty Shades of Gray,” he said seriously. Because Andrea knows that Henry loves mom porn? DOES Henry love mom porn? Wait, does Henry actually like to READ porn?
Who cares, because I got NAIL SWAG! These decals come complete with a SQUIRTING WEENER!
A bag of fucking whistles, really? Well played, Andrea. She also got him the first two seasons of the Simpsons since he is apeshit obsessed with it thanks to Simpsons Tapped Out.
“Everything I got is basically stuff to make you,” Henry said as he unwrapped a book of vegetarian slow cooker recipes, and I cheered. Andrea, you’re the best!