(* all new to the horror of my game nights.)
When I sent out the Evite for game night, I apparently excluded the words “game” and “night” from the invitation. I wondered why Blake’s RSVP was all, “Yes but will there be games?” I guess Henry probably clarified that for him, though, so he wouldn’t think he was walking into a lingerie party. Because that would probably suck for a sixteen year old dude.
So this Game Night was special because finally, after including him on every Evite, my Michigan friend Bill was finally like, “OK FINE YOU WIN” and attended, along with his lovely girlfriend Jessi. I was worried that even after spending the entire day with me, once they saw my true colors (because game night brings them out in fucking prism-style, trust) they’d be all, “Yeah, let’s never come back here. Ever. Except for those cupcakes.” But they still like me! Even after I introduced them to a crowded room as “Bill & Jessi, sometimes they talk funny.”
We started off with Catchphrase as usual because that’s the best game to get everyone acclimated with the screaming that is bound to escalate as I imbibe more and more Woodchuck. Unfortunately, my two mouthpieces – Kara & Rhonda – were unable to attend so I had to actually be a hostess and explain the game to the people who had never played it. And then I had to start it too. It was really upsetting, not having anyone to do it for me. I like it better when someone else takes the reins and I sit around lollygagging, which is something that I truly excel at.
I like this picture because that’s pretty much how Collin looked the entire eight months we worked together.
Kaycee’s default clue is usually, “Oh my God, shit. I don’t know! He’s like an actor I think!” Somehow she is always on my team and somehow, we always figure out what the fuck she’s getting at. Also, this is one of two expressions typically found on my brother’s face at game night. The other is utter boredom.
My friend Alisha and I recently reconnected and I can tell by this photo that she is supremely thrilled to be sucked back into the maddening vortex that is my pathetically retarded social gatherings. I think the last party she came to, I threw a fit during wiffle ball because Henry called me out when I was quite clearly SAFE ON FIRST but he is dumb cooze with crooked glasses and was trying to look all badass in front of his big shot friend Randy. But lookie, she came back for more!
Bill and Jessi are serious game-players. I’m surprised Bill didn’t issue tickets when people on his team fucked up (like Janna, but that’s just her nature and I think Bill realized and accepted that, so she was kind of written off as the retarded person at the institution who cuts the grass behind someone else with a mower). She even forgot to give her team a point after one round and if she had been on my team, I’d have cold-cocked her and then turned her into a drug mule. Just throwing that out there.
I can’t remember what Blake was trying to describe, but I remember he was super happy when Dyanna took this picture (I dumped my camera on her for the night, and she didn’t seem to mind, but that unfortunately means that there is only like, one picture with her in it, shit). If it was just me and Blake on a team, we’d have won. Unfortunately we were saddled with Collin and he can bring down even the best team.
I covet Blake’s scarf.
After Catchphrase, Alisha cried uncle as she ran out the door so we switched to Apples and Apples, which Jessi explained so I could sit back and stew in my drunkeness. Henry didn’t play at all, he just stood there wearing a DARE shirt that I bought off some man at a gas station last year because I felt bad for him. I feel like this shirt gave Henry some unwritten license to puff out his chest all night and it was really kind of making me sick. Every time someone arrived that night, I would make the proper introductions and then slip in a, “Look at how gay Henry’s shirt is” to which he would haughtily mumble, “It was the only clean shirt I had.” I really wish he had worn his Vietnam belt buckle with it.
I think this was the first time anyone had played Apples to Apples, and naturally I won. There was no competition, I was practically playing alone. (Like when I play Boggle.) But I particularly enjoyed playing judge. It made me feel powerful, like I could smite the entire room with a bolt of cyborg semen from my metal-ensconced fist. Which I don’t really have, by the way, but now I feel I need to. Dyanna totally kept trying to make me cheat for her. She’s a sneaky one, that girl.
After two or three rounds, much to Collin’s chagrin, we dusted off good old Scattergories. Everyone had to pair up, and Blake immediately sidled on over to me and I’ll tell you why: It’s because I’m a winner and if you want to win, you join forces with the masteress of win. Henry was a little disturbed at the answers we came up with and reminded me after everyone had left that Blake is only sixteen and I shouldn’t be answering movie title categories with Candy Can’t Cum or putting “candied cunts” as a disease (when meanwhile Henry was finishing that thought with, “now that’s a disease I’D like to treat.”) Then he mumbled something about how annoying it is when Blake and I are together because suddenly I’m sixteen too, and I go, “Well, maybe it’s more that Blake is 29, too.”
After a fleeting pause Henry reiterated, “No, you’re sixteen.”
Bill mentioned the next day that there came a point when he was less concerned with winning and more amused by Collin’s visible agitation with my answers.
I think everyone officially left around 1:30am or so, and I sure hope Dyanna’s boyfriend Justin doesn’t think I’m a complete loudmouthed lunatic. I only yelled, “FUCK YOU” once out the window to random bypassers.