I almost let Easter slide by without any fanfare, but then a week prior we were at Target and Chooch was like, “We’re dyeing eggs next week, FYI. Tell Blake.”
I also told Kara, whom I haven’t seen since THE PIE PARTY.
I think this may have been the longest we ever went without hanging out. I blame political and seasonal depression.
Blake and Haley got to our house just in time for Chooch and me to start haranguing Blake to do things with us: Chooch wanted to bake galaxy cupcakes that he found in a cookbook we got him for Xmas and then promptly refused to help him with, and I wanted Blake to be the Easter bunny stand-in for our annual pictures because Henry was being a dumb dick and wouldn’t do it.
And then we did a quick Easter bunny sidewalk wave-and-dance side bar. I think Blake wasn’t going to do it at first but then he saw that cars were beeping and slowing down so the people inside could wave and cheer Chooch on, and he wanted in on that action.
Look for them at the next Anthrocon.
I invited the neighbor kid Markie over too because he was sitting on his front porch, watching our antics and looking forlorn. I regretted the decision almost immediately because woo-boy does that kid love to get into all my stuff!
“Who invited Markie?” Henry sighed.
“I know right?” I said.
J/K. That kid is pretty harmless. And he’s super fun to tease. Takes it like a pro!
Kara and I dyed nary an egg, but we did partake in some soju action.
And then promptly blew freakshow-quality fire from our mouths.
In my mind, dyeing eggs always seems like such a grand idea, but then it’s over faster than it took Henry to set up all the dye. And then I remember how frustrating it is when the eggs don’t come out sparkly and gilded like they appear on the front of the Paas box.
Does anyone remember the Peter Paas Easter cartoon from the 80s? We had it on VHS, the kind that came in the giant, padded vinyl case.
Just seeing that cover has me crucified with nostalgia! I can totally hear that sheep’s voice in my head!
Anyway, it was fun just hanging on the backporch which obviously I’m obsessed with if you can’t tell, watching the kids complain because the wax crayon didn’t work (WHEN DOES IT?! I can’t tell you how many failed weeners eggs I’ve dyed). And then there was an impromptu Easter egg hunt because we bought a big bag of those plastic fucks at Goodwill for photoshoot purposes only, so Blake took a basketful and hid them all around the yard and it was way more entertaining than I anticipated. Harland got the golden egg and I could tell Chooch was trying to quickly construct a dam for his tears because god forbid he doesn’t win something.
WHERE DOES HE GET THIS LITERALLY NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE IS COMPETITIVE.)
Egg dyeing interlude.
All of the kids were running amok with animal masks at one point and I wanted to do a group photo but getting kids to agree to photos is hard and I didn’t have any cash on me to pay them like I have to do with my own kid.
His rates keep going up.
Somehow the night bled into a surprise story time…
Hey, speaking of bled…you know what else bled that night?
Oh, just Chooch.
He somehow managed to step on one of those thick wooden toothpicks later that night when he was going to get a bottle of water in the kitchen. Kara and I thought he bumped his leg off the kitchen table and was embellishing because if there is one thing that Chooch inherited from me that I’m very proud to admit, it’s my natural embellishment skills.
But no, as it turned out, he had half of this toothpick speared into his foot and it was NOT PRETTY. As soon as I saw what was going on, that he had essentially been staked, I lost my shit. My legs did that jelly thing and I was all dry-heaving while moaning, “Oh my GOD. OH my god. Oh MY god. OHMYGOD.” Finally Henry pushed me out of the way and calmly sat Chooch down on the couch, who at this point was screaming like he lost his whole entire foot in an episode of the Walking Dead. Henry just kept saying, “I’M TRYING TO GET IT OUT. STOP MOVING! NO, DON’T LOOK AT—–”
And then the screaming got even more theatrical and I was acutely aware that we have neighbors but luckily they weren’t home so thank god.
I kept going back and forth between trying to comfort Chooch, making things worse, and then going back on the porch where Kara’s kids were like THE FUCK.
“I was just telling them about the time at the spray park,” Kara said, another time that Chooch had what you would think was a near-fatal injury and I almost puked in public but my temporary paralysis wouldn’t allow it.
I’m the worst in any types of traumatic situations. Thank god Henry and Kara were there or else Chooch and I would have both probably passed out, Chooch bleeding out and me choking on my vomit.
Henry managed to pull out the toothpick cleanly and the puncture wound only bubbled a bit with blood and then was fine – I was waiting for some gross blood volcano to erupt.
“This was probably 75% drama,” Henry mumbled.
Anyway, it was so scary at the time, but we were making jokes pretty soon after.
“Well, if KARA didn’t ask me to get her a water….” Chooch said defensively. Yep, that’s what I was waiting for. Kara’s going to be hearing about this one for years!
But really, if he wants to play that game, he can only blame himself because he’s the one who HAD TO BAKE CUPCAKES that day, which is why the toothpicks were out in the first place. I asked Chooch if he wants to guest blog about the horrible event, but he said he doesn’t want to relive it.
My Left Foot sequels aside, it was a really fun night. Nothing is better than a houseful of cool people and holiday pandemonium.
And now I will leave you with an oldie but goodie Kpop jam: