Ho ho hello, just checking in with a friendly ad from our sponsor because she made two new Christmas cards for the 2021 season (peep the other new ones here) and she wanted to share them on here in case any depraved readers suddenly realize that their friends and family would LOVE receiving a card with Charles Manson’s mug on it.
Imagine this killer couple dashing through the snow, etc etc etc LAUGHING ALL THE WAY. What a terrifying image. Implant that into the minds of your friends and family this Christmas with this super light-hearted and holly jolly spirited holiday card! And then when they have nightmares, ta da: it’s the gift that keeps on giving!
Comes with an envelope, not redeemable for a carriage ride.
I mean, in a way, they really did get to spend holidays in matching…PJs. They were just from prison and not Target. Send this to your INFLUENCER friend who makes their family wear matching footed pajamas & pose for Instagram pictures every Christmas morning with motherwhompin’ cinnamon buns in their mouths while you’re in a stained Bon Jovi t-shirt from the 80s and ripped leggings eating a Poptart.
Comes with an envelope that can later be used as a Helter Skelter bookmark.
Gotta buy your own purple shroud though.
Have you watched the Heaven’s Gate documentary yet on HBO? I don’t think I have HBO anymore which is a bummer so I have not watched it but I keep seeing shit about it everywhere which made me think about how I have Heaven’s Gate birthday cards and Valentines, but NO CHRISTMAS CARDS. Wow. I am truly the worst.
Anyway, if you don’t know anything about this cult, I’m sure this card is making you think “huh” (I mean, assuming you haven’t x’d out of this junk pile of a web diary yet), I highly recommend googling that shit because it’s pretty wild. You know, as most cults are.
The ultimate holiday card for your fellow murderinos! This vintage-esque design features Ed Kemper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, Aileen Wuornos, and Dennis Rader (BTK) all bundled up and crooning some Christmas cheer. Well, except BTK – he’s the token surly non-singer.
One time in middle school, Laura Long had a Christmas party and made us all go caroling and I just stood in the back half-assedly mouthing the words. Caroling is for suckers. I get it, BTK.
This card is blank inside so you can fill it with lyrics to NKOTB’s “Funky, Funky Christmas” or whatever. I feel like Aileen might have had that cassingle. Lol, OK maybe not.
This currently my favorite card that I’ve ever made.
What a festive card! Who doesn’t love thinking about decapitated coeds when opening up Christmas cards?
Comes with an envelope. Be careful what you put inside though if you’re sending this to a prison pen pal. Not that I have any experience with penitentiary mail getting rejected.
6. Don’t Kiss Henry Lee’s Mommy
Nothing spreads Christmas cheer quite like the hint of matricide! Henry Lee Lucas should have used this as his motive for murdering his mom because it sounds way better than “She hit me on the head with a broom.”
Perfect for any true crime enthusiast in your life! Or your mother-in-law!
7. Robert Hansen the Worst Alaskan
I mean, who hasn’t used the “Oh shit, I forgot to dig up your present out of the woods of Alaska” to buy themselves some more time? I just used this excuse last month when I met up with a friend and totally forgot that her birthday had just passed and she was like, “Mmmhmmm” but look – maybe she doesn’t know my life as well as she thinks she does OK!?
Anyway, let the creep-o mug of Robert Hanson, the Butcher Baker of Anchorage, really drive this sentiment home. What a charming Christmas card! I’m sure it will be displayed front and center on the fireplace mantle.
Comes with an envelope. You could actually bury their gift and turn it into a real life scavenger hunt. Tuck in a map and some clues!
Fun fact about me: I am terrified of Alaska so this asshole might actually be the scariest serial killer in my opinion.
This is one of my original cards going back to the beginning of non compos cards, but I revamped the design last year. Trufax: when I started making these cards 10+ years ago, I barely knew how to use Photoshop. Truthfully, I’m still not much more than a novice, but I have gotten A LITTLE better over the years and I’m trying to polish up some of the most turd-iest designs in the shop.
This card was inspired by my desire to sign people’s yearbooks with the line “In their blood and from the gutter,” a sentiment straight from one of David Berkowitz’s letters to the popo. But people in high school already knew I was a weirdo and my luck, I’d have gotten called to the social worker’s office (again).
But now I’ve managed to incorporate it in a holiday card, and that’s pretty freakin’ redeeming.
Let Son of Sam, one of America’s most notorious killers, spread yuletime cheer to your loved ones; watch in amazement as their faces become awash with smiles that say, “Oh, you shouldn’t have!”
But you have!
Envelope included!
Ho Ho Ho and all that shit.
9. Ian Brady & Myra Hindley, Santa’s Elves
Hey man, what’s synonymous with Santa and his elves? If you said Ian Brady and Myra Hindley, then BOY have I got a Christmas card for you!
Fun fact about these two brutes: anytime I post their cards on Instagram, I get reported for violence.
10. Santa’s Geindeer
This was my favorite card from 2021!
Better think twice before investigating that CLICK CLICK CLICK you hear on your roof, is all I’m saying.
I couldn’t resist making this dumb card, even though Henry was like, “OK, ha. Ha…” Look, it took me a long time make this and I still have a headache from staring at the computer screen and that stupid “Up On the Housetop” song got stuck in my head and I got really agitated because I spent my whole life thinking it was “Up on the Rooftop” until my kid was in kindergarten and had to sing that for the holiday assembly and I was like WHAAAT THEY’RE GETTING THE WORDS ALL FUCKED UP” and then everyone on Facebook was like, “No. You are wrong and everyone else is right” and I felt so attacked because I’m one of those people who rarely gets corrected because most people in my inner circle are too afraid to call me out when I’m wrong so when it actually happens (I mean, it’s rare, because I’m pretty fucking perfect), I will dwell on it for days (lol, years) and then Google things like HOW DO WITCHES HURT PEOPLE and TOOLS FOR CUTTING THE BRAKE CABLE and also WHERE IS THE BRAKE CABLE.
Yeah, so! The inside of this card is blank. You can write anything you want inside, like your own lyrics to that dumb carol, for example.
Come with an envelope made of paper and not stretched skin, which is probably what Ed Gein mailed his Christmas cards in.
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As always, I’m happy to fulfill any custom requests, so if you have a favorite (?) serial killer that you would like to see a Christmas card themed around, hit me up! And check out the rest of the shop for birthday cards, Valentines, Golden Girls stuff—it’s a real shit show over at non compos.
And because I feel it necessary to leave a disclaimer every now and then: I do not condone murder or suicide pacts. I do not engage in “idol worship” of serial killers. I think they’re the scourge of society and the reason I started making these cards was because I do have an interest in true crime & the psychology of it, and it started as a “tongue-in-cheek” fuck you to the mainstream greeting card industry. I joined a Christmas card exchange thingie one year over on LiveJournal and I wanted to send something that I made myself, something that would make people groan. And 14 years later, I’m still going at it! (Henry’s sitting next to me bitching about how, “…and I still don’t have health insurance and my boss treats me like shit and I have to buy supplies out of my own pocket…” WOW. Sounds like someone is getting ready to picket.)