Have you ever wondered what Warped Tour is like for a super old man who shuns fun and is the Poster Elder for “surly”? You’re in luck because my very own, personal Old Man let me ask him some questions about his day spent outside in 95+ degree heat surrounded by machine-gun drumming and exploding-node screaming.
But he had this girl by his side, so how terrible could it have been, right?
Erin, pen in hand: Why do you wear a bandanna to Warped Tour? Is it because you think it makes you look hard? (Because it doesn’t.)
Henry, sitting next to me on the couch and glaring: Because it was hot. [Thinks deeper.] And it keeps the hair out of my eyes.
Erin: So does a hair cut.
I really believe he wears a bandanna because he feels like it will repel scene kids. Like if they see some dildo approaching them with a cotton condom fastened around his head, they’ll think he’s security or a member of a biker gang, when meanwhile he drives a Ford Focus and looks like the treasurer of a washed-up Village People fan club.
Erin, pressing the issue because I know people care about Henry’s head toppings: And how do you decide what color to wear?
Henry, mumbling as he works the TV remote: Whatever matches what shirt I’m wearing.
Erin: Now did you learn that on the “Blue-Collared Beverage Warehouse Manager” episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?
Henry, actually looking away from the TV for the first time since this writer has been asking questions: What? What the fuck are you talking about? [One corner of his mouth tugged up a bit, which constitutes as a SMILE in the world of bearded douchebags.]
Erin: Is it true you bought a graphic tee at Target specifically for Warped Tour so you’d fit in better and joke-block me of non-descript t-shirt fodder?
Henry: No. I didn’t buy ANYTHING for Warped Tour. [Scrunches up face in irritation, which most people would take as the universal visage for constipation.]
This is a complete lie. He bought sun screen and individually-wrapped prunes.
Erin: What was your favorite band of the day.
Henry: [LONG PAUSE. I thought he was thinking but really was watching Good Eats.]
Erin: [Stabbed him in the ribs with elbow.]
Henry: What?! [Notices me scribbling down my own answer on his behalf.] What are you writing? Don’t write Dance Gavin Dance, because it wasn’t.
This means it was Blood on the Dance Floor. Scantily-clad scene posers get him every time. Jeffree Star and all that.
Erin: Speaking of Dance Gavin Dance, what are your thoughts on them?
Henry: I don’t HAVE any thoughts on Dance Gavin Dance.
Maybe not, but he definitely dreams about them considering their last album is on constant repeat in the bedroom.
Erin: Not even on Jonny Craig?
Henry: Jonny Craig is a douchebag.
Erin: If you had to spend money at one merch booth, which would it be?
Henry: [Seriously considering for entirely too long.]
Me, noticing the small puff-shapes his lips are making: Hello! You’re falling asleep!
Henry, jolting at my shrill voice: No, I was thinking. And the thinking is putting me to sleep. [I have to repeat the question.] It would probably be what you want since I get no say in anything.
What he meant to say was, “The first merch booth we come across that has booty shorts in my size. I hope it’s Blood on the Dance Floor or Black Veil Brides!”
Erin: How disappointed were you that Craig Owens (singer for D.R.U.G.S.) darkened his hair?
Henry: A little disappointed.
It was the FIRST THING he noticed when Craig came out on stage.
Erin: Does that make him less attractive to you?
OMG that means he’s attracted to him in the first place.
Erin: Why wouldn’t you stand near me during Of Mice & Men? Was it because you didn’t want to get your face melted off?
Henry: Too many kids around me.
Lies. Here are my top 3 reasons why Henry took 87 giant steps back away from the crowd:
- He didn’t want his pedophilia to be that transparent.
- He doesn’t love me enough/have enough upper body strength to keep bodies from falling on my head, which won’t matter if he’s a million feet away from me.
- He’s embarrassed to be seen too close to me. (Because I cry during shows, but mostly because I’m ugly.)
Erin: When you saw that girl pass out right before Set Your Goals, why didn’t you spring into action? Isn’t that what they taught you in THE SERVICE or were you too busy trying to look like Erik Estrada instead of attending all the Be a Hero seminars?
Henry: [For real sleeping.]
Erin: [Repeats question, and by that I mean I kneed him in the nuts.]
Henry: [Started to “think,” then fell back asleep.]
Erin: HENRY, PLEASE!
Henry, waking up abruptly: I don’t know! Because there were already people “springing into action!”
Or! Because he left his balls with his ex-wife.
Erin: Any tips for other elders attending Warped Tour? And don’t say, “Don’t go.”
Henry, about to say “don’t go.”: Damn. Bring plenty of money so you don’t have to drink tap water. Leave your girlfriend at home.
Erin: And don’t forget your joint cream.
Henry, forgetting that he’s like 80 years old: What do I need my joint cream for?
Erin: What was your favorite part of Warped Tour and don’t say leaving.
Henry: But that was my favorite part. Probably watching all the people run when it started to rain even though they were in bathing suits.
Translation: Watching all the wet under-age girls run in bathing suits. See? Warped Tour’s not all that bad!
Erin: Least favorite?
Henry, with no hesitation: The heat.
Erin: What heat? Don’t men of your blue-collared ilk spend their childhood summers working in my rich relative’s yards for milk money? You should be acclimated to the heat by now.
Henry: Whatever, asshole.
Erin: If (Warped Tour founder) Kevin Lyman named a stage after you, what bands would you demand be on the lineup? And don’t say Judas Priest.
Henry: I don’t know.
Ew, I hate when he says that. Especially when his voice cracks in irritation like he’s some pissed off Peter fucking Brady.
Erin: Henry, I will kick you in the nuts.
Henry, clearly peaced out from the interview process like a little prissy Girl Scout: I don’t know what bands I would have!
This means he’s too embarrassed to admit to the Internet that it would be Creed, Nickelback, whatever nü-metal bands are still together, and a Carpenters cover band.
Erin: Are you looking forward to next year’s Warped Tour?
Henry: I never look forward.
Thank you for reading this lame interview. Clearly I need to find more interesting subjects. You suck, Henry. Learn some words!