May 022013
 

Thanks to the Timehop app, I am reminded of the time 5 years ago that I tried to spearhead a new fashion revolution. (I am also reminded that my tweets were way better than they are these days.) Here are the tweets to back it up.

  • 2:44PM: Wrapped a polka-dotted scarf around my ankle. Henry said it looks real dumb. Hope it catches on.
  • 3:19PM: I hope people will think I tried to slit my ankle.
  • 6:36PM: Kim (my supervisor) just pointed at my anklace (HAHA) and said, “What r u trying to be, Sha-Na-Na?” and I died. Except that I still live.
  • 6+:36PM: Or ankerchief?!!?
  • 6:49PM: Henry, who was 1/2 asleep when I left for work, just emailed me and asked “Were u dressed weird when u left?” IT’S NOT WEIRD ITS AWESOME.

I think that fashion statement needs reinstated.

Other brilliant things that I invented which failed to catch on:

Saying whatevelyn instead of whatev. (I still say this though.)

Referring to the year 2008 as “two thousand double quad, y’all.”

Revolutionary War porn.

The best game ever: Thingieball.

(Apparently, that same day, I was also trying to get kidnapped, but couldn’t decide between an alley at midnight or smeared with the scent of trust fund at a truck stop. God, my life could have been so different right now if I had stopped dreaming and started DOING.)

Jul 162010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:38 Naked without my Olson twin sunglasses. Squinting like a fucking mole. #
  • 14:40 Going back to the Butler County Fair. Double rainbow all the way! #
  • 16:49 OMG I SAW KIRK AND ANDREW #
  • 19:26 Henry loses all value of the dollar at the fair. I wish I could fiscally unclench long enough to do the same. #
  • 19:27 Just want to say a solid thank you to Alisha for pointing out all th deformaties at the fair today. #
  • 19:52 Just had to have a convo with a mom AND NOW SHE IS SITTING WITH US WHAT. #
  • 19:53 And she just very passively bummed a cigarette from Alisha. She’s said “yinz” 12x so far. #
  • 20:00 Lol mom convo twitpic.com/2478f4 #
  • 20:10 Now my brother Corey and his gf are here encouraging the awkwardness. #
  • 21:56 Goodbye Butler County Fair, you sexy double rainbow bitch. #
  • 22:29 A difference btwn Chooch & me: he wants to rip his event wristband off ASAP upon departure; I wear mine til it disinte grates, then I cry. #
  • 23:08 My Warped Tour photos, if anyone gives a shit: www.flickr.com/photos/rowdyruby/sets/72157624451547564/ #
  • 23:55 It’s against Henry’s religion to laugh at anything I say or write. But he will always laugh every time I fall down the steps. #

  • 11:15 Chooch just made me put earplugs in his ears so he can go upstairs to use the bathroom while Henry is vacuuming. Issues. #
  • 11:23 I found my first ever Internet friend, circa 1998, on Facebook and I think my ecstatic message creeped her out. #
  • 11:49 Being in Hartford with properly fitted pants, a girl can dream. #
  • 13:05 Pissed ppl off at a red light; apparently they don’t appreciate the soul splitting screams of Miss May I. :( #
  • 13:22 A super old lady just plopped down next to me on a bench & I’m fighting the urge to stop breathing. #
  • 13:23 OH SHE TOTALLY FARTED WHEN SHE STOOD UP TO LEAVE WTF WHY ME. #
  • 13:34 At Panera with a girl I haven’t seen in 14 years. Amazing. #
  • 17:08 In catching up with Jessy, she asked if I’m still “really clumsy.” Yes, and my clumsiness comes in new flavors now too. #
  • 17:14 And then I cried while telling her about Warped Tour. Slap me. #
  • 20:05 Yo, it’s a BLOG BASH, double rainbow all the way!: Hi! Apparently this is a Blog Bash! I’m not very social in the … bit.ly/dbtadb #
  • 20:26 Fran on Hell’s Kitchen looks like she’s a Seth MacFarlane creation. #
  • 20:29 Wish I was there, so badly:( RT @VansWarpedTour The sky looks rad! twitpic.com/24j2pc #
  • 20:48 I’m so much of a loser, I’m a looser. #
  • 23:55 The Phil Mickelson Rolex commercial is SO INTENSE OMG. (Like a double rainbow, but you knew that.) #

  • Continue reading »
Jul 102010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:10 Oh Zipper, my old nemesis. #
  • 16:13 I wonder if Dutch Andrew from Tucson knows that we’ve Imprinted. #
  • 17:47 Some guy yelled GORGEOUS at ME but Alisha said it was about HER and that he was drunk. :( #
  • 17:49 Alisha is just jelis that Kirk the Carnie is in love with me. I snagged me a SUPERVISOR, y’all. #
  • 18:42 Apparently we are partying with John and Jordan tonight. They own ALL THE BOOTHS IN THIS BLOCK. #
  • 18:43 And Jordan was really cute but his sleazy personality killed it for me. Alisha was lapping it up, though. #
  • 19:08 We’re about to watch tractor pulls, whatever that means. Alisha assured me it’s not all that exciting. I’LL DECIDE FOR MYSELF, THANKS. #
  • 19:39 My new ringz0rz. My vampire boyfriend gave it to me. twitpic.com/226z9u #
  • 23:21 That was the longest I’ve ever spent at a county fair, and arguably the best time I’ve had at one. Thanks @saucalisha!! #
  • ***
  • 09:46 Tweeting with no eyes and one ear: Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Pleas… bit.ly/bJ89lc
  • 11:23 Just wondering why holidays are always The Worst Day Ever at my house. #
  • 13:12 Best cemetery workout ever. If I didn’t make up for at least 75% of yesterday’s carnival eats, then I’m clearly doing it wrong. #
  • 15:05 This “relationship” is making my health deteriorate. #
  • 16:04 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Emarosa (34), Sleeping With Sirens (7) and Rosaline (2) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
  • 16:12 .009 seconds into the new Real World and just met Knight, a hockey player from Wisconsin. Hello new favorite. #
  • 16:38 Henry is the most confusing person to date and he’s not even bi-polar like me. This day has been a yoyo, dippin g in and out of Hell. #
  • 16:59 Goofus and Gallant, OhHonestlyErin-style: Remember that old series “Goofus and Gallant” that was in that kid’s mag… bit.ly/cmwd68 #
  • 17:02 The Town Schizo is outside and Chooch is giving everyone inside Eat n Park a play-by-play of her actions. SHE’S CROSSING THE STREET, GUYS! #
  • 17:05 Listening to old people order at restaurants is pretty amazing. They’re very specific and MEAN about it. And have annoying ring tones. #
  • 17:26 Dick Dale just came on at Eat n Park but god forbid anyone should hear it over my son’s enormous set of lungs. #
  • 17:39 Pretty sure the old next lady next to us just barked to the waitress: “And I don’t want no Texas toast cuz that gives me a brown rash!” #
  • 21:11 Oh great. If You Really Knew Me: a new MTV series destined to act as my new summer downer. #
  • 21:56 One of my talents is referencing The Real World during serious moments/when people least expect it. #
  • 22:07 Henry just put an end to 10 years of my voyeurism by installing proper blinds on our front window. He’s ruining my life!!! #
  • 23:57 Just realized all those hours ago, I meant “exhibitionism” not “voyeurism.” That’s what I get for paraphrasing something HENRY said. #
  • *** Continue reading »
Jul 042010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:36 There’s no listing in the Yellow Pages for gaydar repair. Motherbitch. #
  • 15:44 Me: which team does the blue guy belong to? Henry: yeah, that’s the ref. I did not know that. #
  • 15:48 Whoever coined the phrase “being dicked around” must’ve been a lez b/c literally being dicked around feels better than having plans blown #
  • 16:26 I do believe I’m gaining a reputation with all the area eye doctors. #
  • 17:03 It’s surprising America hasn’t tried to abolish soccer. Something we’re not good at?!?! THEN NO ONE CAN ENJOY IT! #
  • 17:59 Alisha, on wearing the same contacts I got at my eye appt: wasn’t that a mth ago? Me: 4 wks. Alisha: last time I checked that’s a month. #
  • 21:04 Sitting in a BP parking lot, looking like a creep. There, I did my part. Fuck the oil menstruation! #
  • ***
  • 02:00 Spent the last few hrs drinking wine outside w/ Mose like a real adult, & engaged in convo so awesome I didn’t have time to tweet. WHAT. #
  • 02:03 Apparently i’m “such a crybaby” for puckering my mouth after Henry served me a bowl of the tartest fruit this side of the Bunny Ranch. #
  • 09:55 Tried to eat cereal while wearing my glasses. My chin, cleavage & person I keep chained under the computer desk thanked me for breakfast. #
  • 13:51 Just learned that Chooch walked past a transvestite yesterday & said “Thats not a GIRL.” Seeing Chooch in my heels just now reminded Henry. #
  • 14:09 <3 Kellin Quinn so much today. #
  • 15:13 Henry just suggested I make a CD full of all the songs that make me want to die so he can see what happens when I get to the end. #
  • 15:34 ATTENTION! THERE IS A RED PONTIAC PARKED OVER THE YELLOW LINES! DON’T WORRY! NEIGHBOR RUTH WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! #
  • 15:48 I guess seeing Chooch in my heels earlier is what spawned Henry to dress him in a wife beater & camo shorts. Now he looks like a Chino thug. #
  • 16:51 Asked H enry why our kid can’t just be normal but then realized what a retarded question that was. #
  • 17:57 Henry’s having an impromptu cookout, lecturing Alisha and me about the intricacies of grilling. twitpic.com/20jxwg #
  • 18:11 Hot Naybor Chris is assisting some stoned guy jump his car. Henry’s weener shrinks a little each time someone else gets to be a hero. #
  • 19:10 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Pierce the Veil (14), Keyshia Cole (2) and We Are the In Crowd (1) #la stfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
  • 20:23 Tonight: 1 pick-up game of #thingieball, 2 feuding 4yo’s, 8 hobo boots worth of sweat, & tons of neighbor-watching. (AKA spying.) #
  • 23:45 Having flashbacks to when I was nearly gang-raped by 20 squirrels at the cemetery today. Harrowing, to put it lightly. #
  • 23:47 As opposed to putting it heavily, which next time i will once I learn how to attach cinderblocks & Oprah’s scooped-out boob fat to tweets. #
  • ***
  • 10:31 Goddamn Kennywood bit.ly/daIjB5 #
  • 10:55 Asked Chooch if he thinks our cat Marcy is pretty and he said, “Not really. She looks just like evil.” #
  • 11:41 This is how i dressed in 1999, only sometimes I wore pants: ow.ly/i/2iUn #
  • 15:15 Oh, every single day before April 25, 2006, how I miss thee. #
  • 15:22 An Un-Ironic Post Card: P1010028, originally uploaded by appledale. My friend Mose came over Saturday night to dri… bit.ly/aZxgWi #
  • 17:52 The winner of the photo contest gets a night’s stay in a hotel in PA & I’m like, “yes plz get me the fuck out of my house.” #
  • 18:46 Did not get to see my crush today but the ni ght is still kind of going fast. I seriously expected to be dumped with tar for typing that. #
  • 20:19 This is me begging: So today I submitted a photo to some Visit PA Facebook contest. Naturally, there are only two … bit.ly/a5Bmfa #
  • 20:36 Was just successfully convinced by a lawyer here to go to a doctor. She had me at “tubes in the ear.” #
  • 21:48 When it come to keeping my pants on in this house, i’m in the minority. #
  • ***
  • 00:44 Wasn’t expecting to love Daybreakers. #
  • 11:05 The first step really is the hardest. I hope I’m doing the right thing. #
  • 12:37 Sometimes the best remedy really is slapping on headphones (not that earbud bullshit) & listening to screamo. (Real screamo.) #
  • 13:08 I hate when I record the local news because an eye witness makes me laugh uncontrollably, but Henry doesn’t think it’s funny. #
  • 15:09 I’m really tired of feeling like my heart is going to explode EVERY DAY before I leave for work. Every day. #
  • 15:11 This made me LOL: RT @scottheisel Way to go, Spin, part two: This *definitely* isn’t Bryce Avary of @therocketsummer: bit.ly/cBWMwg #
  • 15:13 What business does shitty Spin magazine have writing about Warped Tour. Leave that to @altpress. #
  • 16:15 Aw man. Why does the ringing in my ear today sound like Clay Aiken impersonating dolphins? #
  • 18:53 Oh, how awkward. Or I should say: Oh, how usual. #
  • 19:20 I must REALLY have lost my touch if I’m asking HENRY for flirting tips. #
  • 23:58 Nilka on Hell’s Kitchen looks so much like (a black) Christina I nearly can’t watch.Sorry for yr misfortune Nilka. twitpic.com/21539o #
  • ***
  • 00:12 If you’re pissed like me that ABC’s Happy Town is getting screwed, you’ll enjoy this: bit.ly/haplinmagicman #
  • 08:49 Hey, let’s talk about my glasses.: Don’t worry, I only let him wear theses for &gt;10 seconds, for fear of his eyebal… bit.ly/c5stMb #
  • 10:33 So not hot eno ugh today in the cemetery. How will I collapse from heat exhaustion?? #
  • 11:19 I just spoke to a cop without it ending in a torrent of cursing and the threat of arrest. WTF. #
  • 12:20 Let’s for a minute pretend that I’m a sweet virgin prairie girl. …. Yeah, I’m bored with that now, too. #
  • 12:29 Nothing like a friendly sprint to the front door with my son, loser gets locked out. #
  • 13:48 When I’m outside with 12 neighborhood kids dripping off me like pigs blood on Carrie, you can just call me Miss Erin. #
  • 14:05 I’m in child Hell. Where are all the par ents? & I’m pretty sure I’m now an official MILF thanks to the googoo eyes I’m getting from a 10yo. #
  • 15:35 Henry’s guess for the band i’m listening to: Silence Is Better Than This. ;( #
  • 15:39 One more week til my Christmas Day. My belly does somersaults every time I think about it! #
  • 18:16 Just spent the last 10min talking about & watching YouTube videos of Nancy Kerrigan’s WHYYYY & cracking up with my boss & Barb. #
  • 20:46 I’m sitting alone downtown waiting for my ride when some guy walked toward me, fast & with purpose. I almost peed. Then he smiled & said hi. #
  • 20:47 Erin lives to see another day! #
  • ***
  • 10:22 I love it when I get emails from Vistaprint, telling me what I deserve. #
  • 11:10 A Conversation with a Cop: It’s not really an unknown fact that I frequent several of the cemeteries around Pittsb… bit.ly/dkOYwo #
  • 12:29 Oh yay, now there’s a new kid out here for me to watch. #
  • 13:31 Goodbye, Sarge. You’ll always be a Penguin to me. #NHL #
  • 13:35 July 1 never fails to be a one-two punch of heartache and excitement. #NHL #
  • 13:40 Whoever bought Chooch this scooter is a fucking bastard. #
  • 14:04 Apparently my “block babysitter” woes aren’t important enuf for Henry to take seriously. I HAD A STRESSFUL DAY CHASING BALLS INTO TRAFFIC. #
  • 14:40 I really am not a fan of children. #
  • 16:25 I just had a 1 minute convo with a co-worker and didn’t hear a word she said. Being half deaf is fantastic! #
  • 17:59 I don’t know what’s worse: being flashed by the annoying 50yo coworker or being assaulted by the converted 1980s pantsuit she has on today. #
  • 18:06 Honestly, I got no game with the ladies. This is just sad. #
  • 18:3 1 Oh with the rate tonight is going, combined with my feverish giddiness, my composure is gonna be more blown than Kate Moss’s nose. #
  • 19:39 I’m still trying to figure out what’s so shocking about Craig Owens signing to Decaydance. Like that couldn’t be seen a mile away. #
  • 21:21 That was a confusing elevator ride that couldn’t end soon enough/ended much too soon. I’m home now, ready to bury my face in a pillow. #
  • 22:55 I wish the rest of Jonny Craig would hurry up and mature like his voice has. Shit. #
  • 23:25 I Still Feel Her pts 1-4 could very well be the biography of my 20s. #
  • ***
  • 01:21 OH SHIT NEW DEGRASSI EPS STARTING JULY 19, WHAT. #
  • 10:55 Either my glasses are windows into the Netherworld, or I’m suffering eye trauma. #
  • 12:48 One way to REALLY frustrate my son is by not playing Zombies correctly. He hates me and my incompetence right now. OMG HALP. #
  • 13:35 Chooch literally chased the UPS man down the street, yelling WHERE’S MY TOY, DUMBASS? I’m like “dude, you gotta ORDER it 1st.” #
  • 13:44 Inexplicably, my 4 year old is very concerned with the whereabouts of Kurt Vonnegut’s dead body. #
  • 16:25 We’re both wearing purple today! OMG. A true sign for sure. #
  • 17:35 I look like I belong in a Mark Ryden painting today. #
  • 18:57 That may have been my most dramatic paper cut to date. #
  • 19:08 Shit that makes summer suck :   This photo has nothing to do with anything. You may continue. You know what I hate… bit.ly/bwxXyK #
  • 20:56 Didn’t get to leave work early as expected but got a really fantastic ice cream sandwich & hit on outside my building. #
  • 21:57 Just shivered w/ anticipation at the thought of spending all day tmw without my child, who’s currently actin’ a dick.. THANK YOU, ALISHA! #
  • ***
  • 01:02 I AM SO GIDDY AT MARK’S WITH ALISHA AND TELLING THEM ABOUT MY CRUSH AND ITS RIDICULOUS. help. #
  • 01:12 Alisha had a food day. I don’t know what that means, because everyday is a food day for me, but she said it 5x so I guess it’s a big deal. #
  • 01:19 Now we’re talking about chandeliers. Because Mark is gay. #
  • 09:18 En route to the doctor, motherfucker. #
  • 09:29 Oh my god I’m in the waiting room and now I’m stuck here because they have my license. There’s NO TURNING BACK. #
  • 09:53 Hopefully I’ll be able to hear again soon. Partial deafness makes me paranoid & slightly more awkward. Makes for weird work situations. #
  • 10:12 Every one I talk to here looks at me like I’m a freak. I’m just a little overdramatic when it comes to my health, I guess. #
  • 10:42 I CAN HEAR AGAIN! #
  • 13:33 OMG BUTLER COUNTY FAIR! #
  • 13:33 We haven’t been here for 15min and Alisha already cracked her collarbone. #
  • 14:17 I’m religious now! #
  • 14:22 Alisha, regarding my want of a caricature: But I don’t think they’ll be able to get your head any bigger than it already is. (Its true.) #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Jun 262010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 16:14 Here to report that we’re the only crackers at this graduation party. #
  • 16:51 Some early 90s r&b up in this joint. I’m half-crocked off jello shots & Seagrams. OH SHIT THIS IS HOW WE DO IT! #
  • 17:06 Toya’s boyfriend just said, “It was the jello shot that took you there.” #
  • 17:24 BO MB POTATO SALAD YA’LL. #
  • 19:12 Just spent the last hour in the rain, some of which was watching Henry pretend to be Bobby Flay in hopes of impressing Neighbor Mark. #
  • 19:40 I was about a mile away and still heard Toya say it was time for cake. BEEN WAITING ALL DAY. #
  • 20:21 I’m glad Chooch has given me 26 reminders of his age today, all in varying degrees of tantrums. Boy, can’t you see I’m trying to party? #
  • 21:23 Crabby Ruth went back in the house so I’ve rejoined the party and some broad is mixing me a white Russian. Holla. #
  • 21:25 Her name is Peaches, the one liquoring me up. #
  • ***
  • 10:16 OMG PTV #
  • 12 :03 90 degrees and Chooch is wearing a knit cap to Kennywood. #
  • 12:15 Henry is ruining Father’s Day for me!! #
  • 12:28 Chooch had a dream we were at a haunted house & Blake kicked the crawling guy’s ass. Chooch adds music to his stories now, btw. #
  • 14:11 Chooch’s reaction to getting drenched on the Raging Rapids: Oh, FUCK THIS. #
  • 14:44 Today is another shining reminder that I wasn’t meant to be a mother. #
  • 15:53 I wish I could find a way to cram this entire day into a cadaver and fuck its asshole with a blowtorch. #
  • 16:03 $87 to walk around in circles while my kid decides he’s too scared to ride every single ride here -far from priceless. #
  • 17:02 I’m not keeping my hands inside. You can’t tell me. twitpic.com/1yjuf7 #
  • 18:27 Free to OK home. twitpic.com/1yki1o #
  • 18:55 Kennywood was completely ruined for me today. I hate four year olds. #
  • 19:43 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Keyshia Cole (2), Pierce the Veil (2) and We Are the In Crowd (1) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
  • 22:31 The new Pierce the Veil makes me involuntarily say “ouch.” Sickening how heart-breakingly good it is. #
  • 23:16 I just don’t care who knows what anymore, is what it is. #
  • 23:41 Now go bring me my brandy! (The kind in a glass, not the one chained up in my closet.) #
  • ***
  • 09:16 Everything’s Cuter When It’s Miniature: …except maybe bank accounts and Andre the Giant. One of my past customers … bit.ly/9ffGSF #
  • 09:38 Nursing post-Kennywood wounds. Chooch’s are of the flesh; mine are on my psyche. #
  • 09:47 My suggestion of Wimbeldon was quickly vetoed once Chooch realized there were no zombies on the court. #
  • 09:52 Nothing like some Diary of the Dead after our morning bagel. Chooch wishes Jason was in this movie so he could kill these asshole zombies. #
  • 11:53 Henry finally realized that the more often I get to go on cemetery runs, the less bitchy phone calls he gets. Concessions have been made. #
  • 12:45 Mini Blake. twitpic.com/1yrqtu #
  • 17:41 A bottle of champagne is literally being passed around the office. This place fucking rules. #
  • 18:07 Oh thank god – I was worried I wasn’t going to get to see the cascading breasts of someone’s grandma today. But I did, don’t worry. I did. #
  • 22:42 Space, what’s that. #
  • ***
  • 10:57 Peep Show at The Law Firm: Everything was quiet and calm yesterday at The Law Firm, until G came waltzing over to … bit.ly/bQPpH1 #
  • 12:47 When Vic sings “I just wanted one dance with you,” it feels like my heart is coming out of my mouth. FUCK. #
  • 13:59 Chooch is stand ing stockstill in the front yard, clad in his Jason hockey mask, staring at passers-by. #
  • 15:32 The girl at the McDonald’s window will sleep well tonight knowing that my 4-year-old thinks she’s a bitch. #
  • 16:32 HOLD UP! I just graciously accepted a compliment about my writing with no trace of self-deprecation. This may not have ever happened before. #
  • 18:11 I have really inexplicable taste in women. Men too, when you consider Henry. Oh ho ho. #
  • 19:50 God, they keep wanting me to learn new things here at The Law Firm. What do I look like, their employee? #
  • 19:58 It was fun at first, but having new responsibilities dumped on me is getting old. Now when will I find the time to make fun of mommy blogs?! #
  • ***
  • 01:12 Henry just sat thru 2 episodes of Pretty Little Liars. Dunno what’s more pathetic – that, or the fact that I’m the one who DVRd it. #
  • 09:16 OMG it’s Sammie! LOLOLOLOL. #
  • 09:51 RT @snoopdogg: Sidney Crosby #87 from Pittsburgh Penguins & Captain of Team Canada what ya know about gold medals twitpic.com/1z5fda #
  • 11:15 @satanmetalady she’s friends w/ Christina &her sister; my b log stats show her LJ’s been a referring link to my blog the last few days lol. #
  • 11:39 @GraveDirt They use hidemyass.com – it isn’t working very well for them. And I’d know they were reading no matter what, anyway! #
  • 11:44 Two of my friends tweeted about waiting for the UPS man, 8 seconds apart. Just wanted to get in on that, is all. #
  • 11:50 Whoever told my son it’s OK to dump perfectly good beverages down the drain b/c we’re rich & can just buy more? Say hi to my pipe bomb. #
  • 12:18 Thank you, Chooch, for letting me watch some sports today. I forgot what non-animated television program ming looked like. #
  • 12:30 Peep Show at the Law Firm:: www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/5142 #
  • 13:16 If we let Chooch have sugar and caffeine, I doubt I’d be able to send this tweet right now, live from the sanitarium. #
  • 13:32 Brought Chooch out to play with some kids & as usual ended up getting “involved.” I’m not the town play mate, OK?? #
  • 17:00 Word on the street is that my son is mocking a special needs kid on the playground right now. And I am thankfully miles away from it. #
  • 17:02 Henry keeps texting me playground updates & I’m in tears at my desk, praying no one walks by. “Oh nothing, my kid’s just mocking a retard.” #
  • 17:04 My crush just winked at me. #
  • 18:38 July 7 = Warped Tour = Pierce the Veil: Time out. I have some stuff to write about, like neighborly happenings and… bit.ly/96ntvn #
  • 18:52 Oh please, these broads don’t even know the MEANING of burnt popcorn. #
  • 20:18 No one but Ryan Miller deserved the Vezina. you earned it, dude! #nhl #
  • 21:08 Henrik Sedin wins the fucking Hart. Areyoukidding. Pathetic. Only brightside is that it wasn’t Ovechkin. #NHL #
  • 23:05 Seriously, how do you people wear glasses? I’m trying my new ones out & in the span of 3 minutes tripped down the steps &almost passed out. #
  • 23:06 If I sit real still……. #
  • 23:09 That’s it. I’m smashing the lenses out of these & just wearing the frames as an accessory. Fuck vision. #
  • 23:17 Attempted to look down and almost puked. I think I need frames that are more rectangular. Or I could just gouge out my eyes. #
  • 23:44 Switched Twitter apps so hopefully the sporadic repeat-tweets will cease. I still haven’t found an app that I love. #
  • ***
  • 12:44 I think this might be the 9 year anniversary of @awoodhick’s and my supposed one night stand. OH LOOK AT US NOW, WOULDYA. #
  • 14:17 The Christina Chronicles: When Boyfriends & Girlfriends Collide: The thing that made Henry angry about my inaugura… bit.ly/bqqUpA #
  • 13:41 Blake just saved a soccer ball from the jaws of speeding vehicles; hero of the block. #
  • 15:19 Don’t rain on my parade. You can piss in my Wheaties though. I don’t eat Wheaties. #
  • 15:50 Henry just asked, “Is it time for the furry convention already? Because that’s the second girl Ive seen with a tail.” #
  • 16:29 I’m a little worried by the way one of the analysts just told me we’re gonna have a nice Friday night. #
  • 17:41 Capped off a snark remark to a co-worker by nearly falling on my ass. He keeps talking about Karma but I’m thinking Vodka. #
  • 17:45 Seriously? Spellcheck changed “smart” to “snark” in my last tweet and you all know how much I hate that word. Maybe it IS karma. #
  • 20:32 Blake, on walking around downtown with a tail: “I would NOT. That is something i would NOT do.” #
  • 20:34 I got to leave work early! The sun’s still out! I don’t know what to do with myself! (Aside from shielding my eyes.) #
  • 23:43 On my way home from margaritas with @bonecrusher82, I lost my voice & the hearing in my right ear came back. One of the two is a miracle. #
  • ***
  • 00:10 @bonecrusher82 haha or the guy wiping the same part of the wall over and over! #
  • 10:38 I left Chooch home w/ Blake while I went for a cemetery run & not only are they both still alive, there’s no blood & the house still stands. #
  • 12:00 Get ready for the best day of 2010, Henry my love! brizzly.com/pic/2VA5 #
  • 13:41 Seriously considering asking for an earlier shift so I’ll have less time to go through the mom-motions. THIS DOES NOT SUIT ME. #
  • 14:34 Was trying to determine the biggest part of my body when Henry answered for me: my mouth:( #
  • 14:40 Henry switched his bandanna from Blood to Crip. They’re gonna have to disguise his voice on the next episode of Gangland. #
  • 17:41 Makes me feel excited! RT @NHL The stage @ #NHLDraft ready to go at Staples Center in LA-lots of talking going on. twitpic.com/1zx2nx #
  • 18:07 Well I was wrong about the resurgence in audibility of my right ear. It’s either doctor time or time to accept partial deafness. #
  • 22:53 I wish I was capable of giving a shit about tapdance, but it just feels like I’m trying to pass a burning Christmas tree. #
  • ***
  • 00:20 Two fucked eyes, one fucked ear. I’m doing fantastic. Absobitchin’ fantastic. #
  • 10:30 Hey boyyyyyyy. I predict today is gonna be a good day. Despite the fact I couldn’t make oatmeal because my housewife didn’t buy milk. #
  • 10:43 I wonder if Henry would notice if he came home to one less son. #
  • 11:46 Trying to type while w earing my glasses, but when I look down, my hands look like they could have belonged to Jon Benet Ramsay. #
  • 12:14 Goddamn Kennywood: Hey, what do we do around here for Mother’s Day? Nothing. What do we do for Father’s Day? Oh, s… bit.ly/b2g6ke #
  • 12:51 While cleaning the garage, Henry found his wedding video! Who wants to come watch it?? Maybe do some speedballs in Big Ds honor? #
  • 13:27 On hold with my eye doctor, got to hear the tail end of Firefall’s “You Are the Woman,” flute flourish & all. Definitely a good day! #

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Jun 192010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:29 Now I get to go throw up in the boneyard. #
  • 15:40 So, Chooch acted like a complete dude around his cousin Brooke. #
  • 16:27 Sitting in traffic with Mama by Genesis playing loudly makes me lose my shit. #
  • 17:11 I think it’s safe to say I’m a cemetery bulimic. #
  • 19:44 If I want replies, I post to Facebook; if I want my thoughts to waft away thru the ether on the wings of crickets, I post to Twitter. #
  • 19:59 My heart sunk as Henry said “William Caplan died” but really it was “Why do u have a cap on yr head?” I don’t even know a William Caplan #
  • 20:00 And I don’t know why I have a cap on my head, other than Chooch put it there 10 minutes ago. Now I wish I had a William Caplan in my life. #
  • 20:01 ….and maybe even on my head. #
  • 22:38 The people who live behind us (in a house, not our assholes) are roasting marshmallows which I can smell. And I think that’s just rude. #
  • 23:10 Im left with no choice but to retaliate with toasted crack from my stove. Who’s jealous now, you s’mores snarfing dildos. #
  • 23:39 I swear I just heard a phantom ESPN Sportscenter hockey text. :( #
  • ***
  • 09:36 My child discovered Henry bought a bunch of ramen noodles & he’s acting like it’s Christmas. I CANT BELIEVE WE HAVE MY FAVORITE NOODLES! #
  • 10:00 I just really want to see my grandma today. It was looking optimistic, but has quickly fucked itself repeatedly with a hot curling iron. #
  • 11:01 In about 5 minutes, I will either be walking into my grandma’s house peacefully, or kicking in the door. Wish me luck. #
  • 11:05 Either way, I’ll be leaving in tears. #
  • 12:59 30 minutes with my grandma is better than 8 months of nothing, I guess. The situation is exhausting. #
  • 13:48 I’m half-hearted about everything today. Arts Festival included, yet somehow I find myself being dragged there. #
  • 14:22 That’s the first time in 14 years I had to talk my way out of going to the Arts Festival. Today has been a brilliant day. So full of LOVE. #
  • 14:27 If June 13, 2010 had a fanpage on Facebook, I’d “like” it just so I could unlike it .0002 seconds later. You’re a prick, Today! #
  • 14:37 What, you don’t have birthday patties? You have birthday PARTIES? Gee willickers, what the fuck are those? #
  • 15:08 This has been such a killer month for new releases. I’ve had a boner for the last three weeks NO LIE I’M A GUY. #
  • 15:39 Watching Chooch walk down the street with Henry to Pgh Popcorn made me tear up. Time for my testosterone shot. #
  • 16:36 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Mad at Gravity (2), Call the Cops (2) and Mike Posner & The Brain Trust (2) #lastfm bit.ly/cSh Gmp #
  • 17:22 There is always something wrong with me. My right ear has felt like it has a seashell over it for the last 4 days. Awesome for my balance. #
  • 17:54 Will someone please tell @awoodhick I think I have a fever? He doesn’t seem to CARE ENOUGH to respond to my cries for an infirmary trip. #
  • 19:15 If I was ever kidnapped, I’d tell Twitter first. Henry would probably already know, considering he’d have been the one to arrange it. #
  • 19:20 I’m losing my VOICE NOW. I’d steal @saucalisha’s but hers makes woodland creatures weep:( #
  • 19:31 I love hearing lawyers talk about their vaca plans. OH HELLO, MISTER NOT REALLY. #
  • 21:28 My hand hurts from holding the bowl of soup Henry made me! This is the worst night ever-herererrrrrrrrrrrrrr. #
  • ***
  • 12:18 Been a weird family week: Blake is “living” w/ us now, half-bro contacted me out of the blue, bio-dad’s mom & aunt are visiting today. #
  • 12:19 Not to mention meeting my niece for the first time, plus the Grandma drama. I feel disoriented. This warrants a vaca, I think. #
  • 15:25 It appears I might have another older brother. My dad’s been dead for 27 years yet the surprises keep a’coming. #
  • 15:32 Chooch starts all his stories with “Yeah because…” #
  • 19:32 Why was I crying just then? Just daydreaming about hockey. :( #
  • 21:21 My new roommate Blake brought home mouthwash. #
  • 21:43 Roommate Coloring Hour. twitpic.com/1x4xr5 #
  • ***
  • 09:19 VIDEO OF ME & MY FANTASTIC VOICE, OMG WATCH OR DIE: After yesterday’s heavy entry, I wanted to lighten the mood a … bit.ly/bhbUOp #
  • 09:31 Vic Fuentes is brilliant. Worth the wait. #
  • 10:06 I feel sorry for any song that tries to follow Underminded’s “Who Needs a Bodybag.” #
  • 11:00 Just kicked it at the cem. My sweat stinks of chicken soup. #
  • 12:04 When someone says “I’ll take care of it,” I never believe them, thanks to nine years of Henry not taking care of it. #
  • 12:45 I’m having fun with #formspringme. (Oh, am I?) Create an account and follow me at formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin (Yes, do that.) #
  • 14:16 I came outside and 3 kids instantly glommed onto me. I give good awkward & kids clearly love that. I am in kindercare hell. #
  • 14:47 I’m now the property of a 6-year-old girl. When it was time for me to come inside, she screamed, “BUT I WANT TO PLAY WITH THE BIG GIRL!” Hm. #
  • ***
  • 09:16 If all goes as planned, I should be seeing my older brother today for the first time in 11 years. #
  • 09:32 Chooch & Brooke: The Big Meet-Up bit.ly/deYTFI #
  • 11:40 Oh my god Chooch and my big brother could get in real trouble together. #
  • 11:46 My Grandma Lois keeps thinking my brother is Chooch’s dad and we’re like NO! GROSS! #
  • 14:54 I have a big brother, too!: I haven’t talked to my older brother Shawn (same dad) in about three years and haven’t… bit.ly/bBP32p #
  • 15:12 RT @TSNBobMcKenzie Halak to the St. Louis Blues. Done deal. #
  • 18:19 I want a black forest cake for my birthday. And some dynamite. #
  • 19:44 Today is real special, you know? #
  • ***
  • 00:24 Pretend everytime I entered a room, my arrival was announced through song by that broad in Thuggish Ruggish Bone. #
  • 09:33 When a Neighbor’s Inability to Drive Becomes EVERYONE’S Problem: A few months ago, Hot Naybor Chris’s wife became … bit.ly/awh1cq #
  • 11:39 Honestly thought I was about to be Susie Salmon’d just a bit ago in the cemetery. Maybe all my soupy sweat was the deterrent. #
  • 12:05 Chooch gets glass in his hand when he’s on Henry’s watch. Also, I don’t think anyone should use “exquisite” when talking about donuts. #
  • 13:36 I need more goth friends. #
  • 14:31 Me: This person says I have a “cute blog.” Henry, smirking: That means they didn’t read it. #
  • 14:34 Cross-eyed now from trying to take pictures of myself wearing my asshole-y new glasses while simultaneously wearing contacts. #
  • 14:55 It’s like looking for the perfect penis.: Well. My glasses are here. Yaaayyyy…. I hate them. They’re not big enoug… bit.ly/bJJ2F6 #
  • 19:06 Honestly thought I was about to be Susie Salmon’d just a bit ago in the cemetery. Maybe all my soupy sweat was the deterrent. #
  • 19:39 There’s an attorney here named Giovannelli. I’m taking that as a sign to listen to some Gino Vannelli tonight. NOT THAT I NEED A REASON. #
  • 21:17 I must have missed the memo that said Henry gets to treat me like shit in return for me allowing his son to live with us. #
  • 23:07 Suggested we consummate our love by playing an 11pm game of #thingieball. Henry unsurprisingly de clined. #
  • ***
  • 08:43 #deardad remember when i was 3 & you crashed your truck & died because you were a drug addicted alkie? Fond memory! #
  • 11:20 Perhaps I should start letting someone know exactly what cemetery I’m going to in case I do actually pass out or get kilt one of these days. #
  • 13:25 The Christina Chronicles: The Death Tree: A green and black striped Henley and jeans with a hole in the knee was w… bit.ly/dyIYNn #
  • 13:26 That was super hard to write. Super super hard. #
  • 14:29 Hi Twitter. I just had a long heart-to-heart with my mysterious neighbor and I feel so much better now. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Jun 122010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 17:21 Earlier, I was blasting Circle Takes the Square while sitting at a red light, but turned it down as an old lady walked past. GOOD SAMARITAN. #
  • 17:24 HAY PITTSBURGHERS! Stop wishing for the rain to go away. My witch collection hasn’t fully melted yet. Fuck. #
  • 18:56 #itsnotcheatingif you kill your boyfriend/girlfriend first. (Totally a “duh” Tweet, but maybe some of you didn’t know.) #
  • 19:16 Henry just taught me the difference between a sawhorse and a barricade. Just an example of the scintillating car convos we share. #
  • 20:10 Aaaaaaand this is why we don’t take the animal child out to eat. #
  • 20:19 Chooch is pissed off. I know this because he just screamed I’M PISSED OFF from the backseat. #
  • 20:23 I’d like to see K$sha bash in that hag Katy Perry’s face. #
  • 21:39 I just ordered a pair of eyeglasses and am honestly about to puke because of it. #
  • 23:48 When do I get to have a party thrown for ME? Fuck. #
  • ***
  • 00:34 I think Henry missed the memo that told the world Erin hates to be babytalked. #
  • 00:55 I can always count on Silent Library. #
  • 08:46 I’m putting some hawt Xiu Xiu tracks on Henry’s Birthday Party play list. He’s going to be so appreciative. #
  • 10:13 Everyone seems to be in a GREAT mood today! #
  • 11:18 I think my stomach wants to get checked for an ulcer in a decidedly DIY fashion. Henry, grab the steak knife; we’re going in. #
  • 11:54 I’m trying so very hard to let Henry do the things he wants to do today, including watch what he wants to watch on TV OMG IT’S KILLING ME. #
  • 12:26 Henry found out about the 3 Xiu Xiu songs I slipped on his playlist & he made a disapproving face. Way to shit on your bday gift, Hank. #
  • 12:30 OMG Henry shares a birthday w ith @Altpress. I’m fucking jelis. #
  • 13:15 I have a strong desire to watch that old 90s series “Sisters.” #
  • 15:02 MIDLIFE CRISIS: HENRY STYLE. twitpic.com/1ukbs5 #
  • 19:27 My phone was dead for almost the entirety of Henry’s party. Good thing there was literally nothing to tweet about. #
  • 21:34 Henry just showed me the new blog layout he’s been making for me and I could almost kiss him, that’s how much better it is than the current. #
  • 21:34 …and it only took TWO YEARS of my bitching to finally get him to do it. #
  • 21:39 Holy save, Niemi! Go cry about it, Richards! #StanleyCup #
  • 22:12 Henry won’t look at my red eye. That’s just rude. #
  • 23:10 Oh shit. I just asked Henry why he likes his life & he said, “Because you’re in it.” I couldn’t think of anything assholey to say!!! #
  • *** Continue reading »
Jun 052010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 16:42 I don’t know why I bother with “blogging communities.” I never fucking fit in. And believe me, I don’t wanna. #notamommyblogger #
  • 19:13 Either Xtina Aguilera hasn’t heard of Lady Gaga or her career has flatlined to the point where she has to piggyback someone else’s schtick. #
  • 19:15 Twilight has made me hate Muse. #
  • 19:51 Has spent the last 30min laughing at the assholes trying to cut the grass at the church across the street. #
  • 19:54 My fave part is when they try to go around the tree. twitpic.com/1sa5ug #
  • 20:12 I just had a spontaneous dance-conniption in the car to Andy Gibb & Chooch yelled at me to stop, WTF? #
  • 21:02 If pistachio is an option, I always take it. #
  • 21:08 Munhall has got to be the catch-all for the loud-mouthed Jersey Girl wannabes of Western PA. Goddamn, STFU you porky twats. #
  • 21:09 I just burped up soft-serve and I’m still classier than these permed bitches. #
  • 22:34 Now how long will the #Hawks keep this lead? This game is nutz0rz. #StanleyCup #
  • 22:44 I’m still having a hard time coping with the fact that I’m watching the motherdouching FLYERS in the #StanleyCup final. #
  • 23:24 I’ve not seen a single minute of any Shrek movie. I intend to keep it that way, child or no child. #
  • ***
  • 00:56 Hey @awoodhick? Laaaaaaaast maILLLLLlll. #
  • 01:27 I wish more people used “lamby” to describe me. Maybe if I start wearing my powdered wig again. #
  • 01:28 RT @drosennhl Amazing stat of the night: 11 goals and 20 assists, and not one of the 31 points goes to a first line player. #stanleycup #
  • 10:29 Absolutely live for dripping my salty sweat sauce over tombstones. Best start to a day. #
  • 13:30 Alisha just said an 8 yo girl was hot. She’s caught some of Henry’s pedophilia I suppose. Don’t judge. #
  • 14:00 There is so much I don’t know about apples. I should have stayed in college. #
  • 14:06 Alisha buys things like STEAK at the grocery store. I guess she’s too good to get it from the morgue like the rest of us. #
  • 18:19 I gots two bitches who cook for me. Today it’s Alisha; Henry took the day off. #
  • 18:39 Last mail is the new miscegenation. post.ly/hwx2 #
  • 20:49 Oh shit I came home to find Henry consorting with Hot Naybor Chris at his COOKOUT. #
  • 20:51 And now our other neighbor Mark is here and he and Henry are BOTH WEARING BANDANNAS. twitpic.com/1smc14 #
  • 20:58 Hot Naybor Chris is blitzed. Henry should take advantage. #
  • ***
  • 10:06 I know this is something surprising, but I don’t interact well with kids. #
  • 10:28 Oh shit the parade has begun w/ majorettes having a sound system malfunction. I laffed & Alisha said she’s surprised I haven’t been hanged:( #
  • 10:46 They could at least give us some flame throwers. Or put ME in the fucking parade. twitpic.com/1srn67 #
  • 13:00 What the hell kind of name is Finbarr. #
  • 15:27 Wkly artists: Sleeping With Sirens (14), Circa Survive (3) & The Number Twelve Looks Like You (2) bit.ly/cShGmp #
  • 15:34 I think I finally found xtra large grandpa glasses, but I’m afraid they won’t be as large as I need to stop myself from falling down steps. #
  • 15:37 If I could have dinner w/ any dead celeb, it’d be Brett Somers so I can ask her where the fuck she went to super size her eyeglasses. #
  • 15:52 Ideally, I’d like to just get a welder’s mask in my prescription. Or Lasik. But probably the mask. #
  • 17:24 I felt like shit all day, yet still jogged in the cemetery for an hour, thru literal air puddles of humidity. Guess my IQ. #
  • 17:47 Wading thru humidity is like rolling over to go to sleep only to forget abt the pool of cum on yr pillow – grimey yet slightly erotic. #
  • 17:48 Re: humidity is erotic: Maybe just for those of us who also like peeing on ppl. #
  • 18:27 Always nice hearing Henry snicker as I struggle to make a pb&honey sandwich. Apparently I can’t even spread pb like u normal ppl. Scrutiny! #
  • 21:13 So many reasons to root for the #Blackhawks. Carcillo alone is one. #StanleyCup #
  • ***
  • 11:08 Just watched in horror as my kid purposely fell backward off the porch. It’s only going to get worse, & then comes the MTV series. #
  • 22:53 I’m still not over the savage murder of Jonny, my jump rope. Not that anyone has had the decency to ask!! #
  • 22:56 @leota I put a few m&m’s in my mouth, letting them melt, &pressing them against the roof of my mouth w/ my tongue. I <3 the crackling sound! #
  • ***
  • 14:04 I DON’T WANNA!!!!!!!! #
  • 15:10 Welp. I think it’d be best if I don’t chime into THIS convo: theblogfrog.com/1362952/forum/31105/what-did-they-say-wednesday.html #
  • 15:13 Just now! I learned that it’s not the MOP that’s a piece of shit. It’s ME that’s a piece of shit. #
  • 15:38 Tell @awoodhick to take me to Allentown, PA as a late bday present. I have important business to tend to. #
  • 21:15 Just had a grilled cheese made on a hot dog bun. It was made w/ real cheese, not Cheez-Whiz, so it’s only halfway to a white trash entree. #
  • 21:25 It’s ridiculous how sickening the Flyers are. I just can’t take them seriously, Stanley Cup Finals or not. #
  • 22:34 NIEMI!! Jesus Christ, Blackhawks. Please. Put this game away!! #StanleyCup #
  • ***
  • 09:42 It upsets me that Formspring doesn’t keep an archive of old q&a’s. Because mine were so THOUGHFUL, you know. #
  • 12:42 Hay look @ the dumb! In my “serious research” for The Christina Chronicles, I’ve made it to the journal containing… bit.ly/bX9JPT #
  • 13:06 NO I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT BLANCHE IS DEAD. SHE WAS MY MOTHERFUCKING IDOL, OK. #
  • 13:09 Today I’ll wear a silk pantsuit and fuck a lot of old dudes in Blanche’s honor. #
  • 14:12 Role reversal: Me: I don’t wanna go to workkkkkkk. Chooch, sighing in frustration: But you HAVE to. #
  • 16:24 I feel hateful when I hear these lawyers talk about how “indigent” they are. #
  • 17:30 OMG LAST MAIL!!!!!!! #
  • 18:42 I’m wearing my favorite shoes today OK?! twitpic.com/1tnh3q #
  • 21:57 The CW syndicating Moonlight is such a fucking tease. SUCH A FUCKING TEASE. #
  • ***
  • 11:25 This whole “finding goggle-sized eyeglasses” mission is pissing me off. I found a large plastic green pair but they don’t look large enough. #
  • 11:29 OH THIS IS TERRIBLE. They might not cover my neuroses. www.zennioptical.com/product.php?productid=1929&cat=&page=1 #
  • 12:40 Father of the Year didn’t buy any food. Please send help for Chooch and me. Send troops if you have to; cans of porridge. #
  • 15:30 Henry suggested shopping at the clown store for eyeglasses. I pretended to be hurt, but that’s not a bad idea, really. #
  • ***
  • 00:14 On the night of May 30, 2005, I cried in the car & kept imagining jamming a shard of glass into my neck, AWESOME!! True story from my DIARY. #
  • 10:07 Me: “do u want me to put something on for you?” Chooch: “NO I LIKE THIS SHOW!” (It’s Snipers on the History Channel. Fantastic.) #
  • 10:55 This is the largest I’ve ever grown Sea Monkeys and I’m a little scared of them. And grossed out, too. #
  • 11:38 I stood up and almost fell, & in the process wound up doing an accidental contemporary dance move. Mia Michaels would have LOVED it. #SYTYCD #
  • 13:50 Every time I hear that shitty Katy Perry song, I get so angry that she was once at Warped Tour. I wanna make her drink her Proactive. Hag. #
  • 14:28 MY SEA MONKEYS ARE MATING!? Oh my god, it’s repulsive. But I don’t want it to stop. #

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May 292010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:04 You just don’t really see people drinking wine from severed heads anymore. #
  • 17:06 Spending an hour running in the rain thru the cemetery while listening to post-hardcore = best thing EVER. Can’t wait to live there. #
  • 17:42 Nice empty net save by Bergeron! #Habs #StanleyCup #
  • 17:44 If the Flyers win this series, I will literally have no one to root for in the Stanley Cup finals. No one. #
  • 17:46 Leig hton is the new Halak. #
  • 19:24 Oh hello lavendar white chocolate iced mocha, let’s have sex tonight. I’ll bring the strap-on. #
  • 20:04 Just ran into my old friend Kim at the craft store. Apparently, her mom & Henry’s mom were friends back in the day so Henry butted in. #
  • 20:16 Seeing her brought back memories of slipping into bars when I was 17. BACK WHEN I WAS EXCITING & NOT BORING. #
  • 21:56 Pretty much my only ability in life is unfailingly knowing where the tape measure is, even tho I NEVER use it. & trust me, it gets around. #
  • 22:39 Q :What is the significance of Appledale? … A:I saw it on a sign for a farm two years … formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/583403326 #
  • ***
  • 00:07 Henry just went down into the basement to break up a cat fight and he is NOT happy about it. #
  • 00:09 And by “break up,” I mean that he tossed a screen at them, of which we evidently have extra. #
  • 01:41 Heidi Montag: “All guys are controlling.” I just looked at Henry, who’s eating ribs & reading Better Homes & Gardens, & laughed. #
  • 01:45 I’m glad @mrsevils chose to test on me, & not some poor, downtrodden albino Thumper. #
  • 01:58 Don’t these broads on The Hills realize that the only person who can save Heidi is LC? By making out. That should send Spencer back to Mars. #
  • 10:24 Waiting for my eye doctor to not approve my 1800Contacts order because he hates me. #
  • 10:48 I wish Henry would start making POLENTA again so I can brush the dust off my POLENTA blog category. #
  • 11:22 I put my pants on left leg first; I don’t even know who I am anymore. #
  • 13:02 Alisha, Chooch and I were just God blessed by the town schizo. #
  • 16:00 My upstairs is clean for the first time in at least 6 years! (& I do mean the upstairs of my house, not my mind – that remains filthy.) #
  • 16:41 I feel remarkably better since throwing my Sunday temper tantrum. #
  • 16:52 I think I was lavendar in a past life. #
  • 18:33 Having a 4 year old means never getting to watch live TV. DO NOT SPOIL THE #LOST FINALE FOR ME, TWITTER. Vampire Diaries was bad enough. #
  • 18:39 I’m going to avoid the Internet altogether. As soon as I figure out how to do that. #Lost #
  • 19:10 I wonder if Donald Trump fired the person responsible for scheduling Celebrity Apprentice’s finale on the same night as #Lost. #
  • ***
  • 00:35 That was a depressing 2.5 hours; spent a good portion crying into Henry’s stomach. I’m in denial. #Lost #
  • 00:42 Just went to hug Henry for solace and he pulled back because he thought I was going to hit him. 9 yrs, should be desensitized by now. #
  • 09:35 Don’t mind me, I’m just reaching for your necklace. #
  • 10:07 anyone asking me to explain the #lostfinale is clearly amnesic to the fact that I’m a dummy. #
  • 11:00 Chooch is sick. I’ll be damned if he’s going to out-drama me. #
  • 12:22 I’m confused as to why Dancing With the Stars is America’s #1 show. How embarrassing for our country. #
  • 14:34 Q:What’s the most unselfish thing you’ve e… A:Allowed Henry to use me as arm candy. Be… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/590465801 #
  • 14:36 Ask me how I like my dead bodies: formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
  • 17:37 My Top 3 Weekly #lastfm artists: Punk Goes Classic Rock (8), Chiodos (5) and Pierce the Veil (5) #lastfm bit.ly/cShGmp #
  • 19:02 Macaroons are apparently not what i thought they were. Turns out, they’re my new favorite cookie. I’d eat thru my arm for one. #
  • ***
  • 09:04 Day 2 of Chooch’s “IM SO SICK IM DYING!” pity party. Jesus Christ, where does he get this from?! #
  • 11:10 Q:If you could change anything about yours… A:I still have a flesh inner-tube from Cho… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/594160118 #
  • 11:10 Q:Why do you keep asking people to ask you… A:Because I’m a gullible asshole. You shou… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/594161190 #
  • 12:09 I think it’s a little preposterous that Henry won’t leave work to get me a lavender white chocolate iced mocha. He needs to learn priorities #
  • 12:39 Having a 4yo means unintentionally acting out variations of Who’s On First. All day long. #
  • 13:15 Chooch is quoting the old Gypsy woman from Drag Me to Hell. Now he’s recounting all the scenes. “& then the girl pukes all that blood…” #
  • 23:38 An episode without Sue Sylvestor does not fill me with much glee. #
  • ***
  • 09:36 Legitimately panic-attacking because I have an eye doctor appointment in an hour. #
  • 11:00 My new eye doctor is worlds better than my old one, & not just bc she didn’t call me a crack head. #
  • 11:11 Old people walk remarkably like zombies. I know this because I’m sitting in front of Old Country Buffet & a swarm of them are headed my way. #
  • 21:08 Do not talk about being a paramedic in front of Henry; I’ll have to hear him rant about it later. #
  • 21:47 I was LITERALLY just thinking, “Not enough cars idle in front of my house, causing earthquakes w/ their bass” when God answered my prayers. #
  • 21:58 Q:What’s your biggest guilty pleasure curr… A:Totally MTV reality. I think the only on… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/602062702 #
  • 22:15 I just read somewhere that bloggers shouldn’t “cuss” in their posts; they should keep it “professional.” Well, my shitty blog is FUCKED. #
  • ***
  • 12:05 Chooch makes my job easy sometimes. He just ate soap of his own volition. #
  • 13:44 I need like, 10 potato sacks. Thanks. #
  • 14:57 I finally added Google Friend Connect on my blog. U should click on it so I look popular. It’s on the right side! ohhonestlyerin.com #
  • 14:59 I hate how much I still love Emarosa, in spite of all it means to me. #
  • 15:41 Henry just yelled at some jaywalker. Through a closed window. He is so hardcore I’m tempted to bare my breast for him. #
  • 15:46 There are Menonites downtown putting on a choral concert on the sidewalk. I’m tempted to punt Chooch out the car at them & flee. #
  • 18:18 Fuck a patent. #
  • 18:22 My declaration of things being “righteous” doesn’t happen as often as it should. Probably b/c I’m neither Bill nor Ted, but still. #
  • 20:19 I hate the word “snarky.” How is that even a portmanteau for “fucking asshole.” #
  • 22:51 Next Winter Classic to be held at Heinz Field – another reason for the rest of the country to hate the Penguins! #nhl #
  • ***
  • 09:52 It is never too early to be this obnoxious. Or drink from the w ine bottle. #
  • 13:10 Why do I have to DO stuff when I come outside, Chooch? Why can’t I just sit on my ass & tan? It’s pretty much my best talent. #
  • 13:22 How am I supposed to send my kid to preschool when he can’t grasp the simple logistics behind HOPSCOTCH? Oh my god, laughing stalk. #
  • 13:23 Wait. I don’t think I’m doing it right, either. Isn’t someone supposed to chuck a rock at my face at some point? #
  • 15:06 Hopefully before Gary Coleman died, he learned what Willis was talkin’ ’bout. #
  • 15:47 Henry’s jaywalker bloodlust is out of control. He just made a bunch of teenagers scream in horror. #
  • 17:50 Listening to Barb ordering Sounds of the 70s. JELIS. #
  • ***
  • 11:08 Nothing beats getting held hostage by a carful of Witnesses while I’m drenched in sweat at the cemetery. #
  • 11:32 Sorry ladies, this is 14 yrs too late. twitpic.com/1s61tu #
  • 12:19 According to the Jesus people, I’m a “very energenic little thing.” I’m still laughing at the “little” part. #
  • 12:43 Oh. I guess I never told Henry that I have a sex tape. Well, now you know, buddy! #
  • 12:57 @sandehagen it’s ridic, right?? I had Menonites or some shit hand me literature on my way into work 2 days ago, as well. I must be marked. #
  • 13:49 Et tu, Dennis Hopper? #
  • 13:59 I’m pretty sure Chooch thinks the only way to die is to be killed by Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. #
  • 14:05 At a different cemetery now, flowering my Pappap’s grave. They have their own radio station here called Prayer in the Air. It’s fantastic. #

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May 222010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 16:05 There are men fishing in front of a crowd downtown, with Whitney Houston playing on a transistor radio. Like it sounds, it’s not awesome. #
  • 17:38 Henry to Chooch: “Yr the last thing ppl want to see while eating.” Right. Not sliced eyeballs, Speidi 69’ing, hobo chugging tranny sex jam. #
  • 17:58 Hay look @ the dumb! tweets: burying the Penguins hashtag for awhile. :(: Earth-shattering updates throughout the … bit.ly/aD8xM5 #
  • 19:35 I don’t dislike the Chiodos stuff I’ve heard, sans Craigery Owens, but I do feel dirty listening to Brandon Bolmer sing “Letter to Janelle.” #
  • 20:13 I’ve never heard the expression “soup to nuts” before this week, & have since heard it twice. Maybe it means I should eat more soup & nuts. #
  • 20:15 Same here, much to the relief of my followers RT @Jagrmeister: Without Penguins hockey, my tweets will decrease by 17.34% on a daily basis. #
  • 21:05 I hope I turn pretty when I get older. Just like Queen Latifah did. #
  • 23:45 Could have sworn Henry said he was going to the morgue. #
  • 23:46 ☂☹♥♠✈✔♨☁❦☕✩ #
  • ***
  • 02:32 My text about hockey to 93.7 The Fan was read on the air, followed by an emphatic “EXACTLY” & b/c I’m half-drunk this has made my life. #
  • 12:32 Pictures of Chooch & A Pointless Trip Downtown bit.ly/bQHXJp #
  • 12:50 Last night was one of the best night’s I’ve had in awhile. Here’s hoping Henry doesn’t poop all over that today. #
  • 14:03 I am not goddamn Goldie Hawn. #
  • 14:08 Henry doesn’t know if I like lime or not because we just met last week. #
  • 14:51 At Yuppie Mecca, ie playground at North Park. Henry & I don’t stick out AT ALL. Chooch is the coolest kid here, at least. #
  • 14:54 Oh please. This lady is NOT sitting in lotus. No, seriously. What a fucking twat. #
  • 15:54 Watching Henry teach Chooch to ride a bike showed me a montage of future Jackass segments. Chooch was trying to crash on purpose!
  • 16:22 Judging by the positive reaction of strangers, the faux hawk was the right choice for Chooch’s dome. #
  • 17:12 It’s nice being able to watch this hockey game without my heart (& fingernail shrapnel) getting lodged in my throat. #Sharks #Hawks #
  • 19:08 He only eats the good part: j.mp/cpe851 #
  • 19:21 Chooch to Henry: Dont marry Mommy; that would be so disgusting. #
  • 22:41 Can’t wait for the new Oceana album. Pretty sure it’ll devour all the fucking annoyances around me. If not, back to the bomb manual. #
  • 22:45 Wish Satan would stop communicating through my son every night at bed time. It was silly at 1st but now I’m ready to call the God Squad. #
  • 22:47 Q:If you could have a super power, what wo… A:To bind assholes with cheese curd trampo… formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin/q/556375001 #
  • 22:50 I”m going to start walking around on stilts fashioned from plastic tumblers, a la Romper Room. Maybe then ppl will stop talking down to me. #
  • ***
  • 00:42 I’m so giddy, posing hypotheticals, that I almost just puked on Henry’s stomach. He keeps yelling, “OK, GOODNIGHT!” #
  • 00:46 I NEED LITTLE GIANT BLUEBERRIES! I want to take my dentures out & eat them with a spoon for breakfast. #
  • 00:50 The real tragedy on this episode of “Design U” isn’t that the homeowner’s foyer is dated, but that her 90yo bff told her so. #
  • 00:51 Just mishea rd “closet doors” as “suppositories.” #
  • 01:08 Henry: 45 minutes ago, you said you were going to bed. Me: No, that was when you told me to go to bed. #
  • 09:23 Video: Chooch doesn’t need paint on his face to get into zombie-mode bit.ly/dwlgqP #
  • 13:41 A painting that I shipped in January was just returned to me today. I hate mailing things. Worst part about having Etsy shops. #
  • 14:13 Currently: 4 cops at Robin’s. #
  • 16:40 Ever look at your thumb and it’s like looking at a stranger? Somewhere in the Bible, it will say amputation is the answer. #
  • 18:33 The analyst in the office next to me is blasting T’Pau & I’m suddenly very happy, although wishing I could swap out my heels for skates. #
  • 19:49 I always have to catch myself before adding “z0rz” to the end of words at work. Ohwellz0rz. :( #
  • 19:50 And I wonder why p eople are shocked to find out I’m 30, not 20. #
  • 23:47 It’s not drugging when the Nyquil trips and falls down Chooch’s throat. Right? #
  • ***
  • 00:18 I haven’t watched the Gossip Girl finale yet but I can only hope a chandelier made from daggers & Lady Gaga’s acrylics falls on Serena. #
  • 10:42 Today I Learned the Definition of “Later” bit.ly/aXIewH #
  • 12:29 I am being ordered to tweet about Chooch’s dream, in which he was bad at the playground, & it was “white&dark, white&dark, white&dark.” #
  • 12:30 Perhaps Chooch can just start writing in my blog for me, too. I could use a break. And his posts would probably be better anyway. #
  • 19:39 It makes me happy when lawyers here compliment me on my clothes & shoes. It’s the small things.
  • ***
  • 00:15 Just saw previews for Eclipse; realized I do n’t remember shit from the book except it being another 300+ pages of 0 character development. #
  • 11:24 Chooch’s Zombie Party: the official account bit.ly/cIiE2l #
  • 12:02 I hope someday I make it back to Morocco. #
  • 12:05 I love how Henry sends me ads for all the shows I can’t go to because he keeps making me get evening jobs. Fucker dummy. #
  • 13:39 Chooch & I were doing yoga; he was making me laff so hard I had to stop & take his pic. twitpic.com/1p6h5e #
  • 15:03 My child is attempting to garrote himself with a strand of Easter basket grass. At least he’s suicidally creative. #
  • 18:30 My easy job is about to get much more challenging & I kind of can’t wait. #
  • 19:47 Young Yoga Master bit.ly/9lnS3u #
  • 20:29 We’re giving one of my co-workers a ride home tonight. I hope Henry & Chooch don’t act like fucking turkey basters & screw this up for me. #
  • 22:01 Chooch is on a yoga kick, for real. He just paused during his “goodnight stretch” routine to take a huge gulp of chocolate milk. #
  • 22:43 Finally made it to the 3/30 episode of Lost. Why did I let so many build up? Oh right, because this season is boring the shit outta me. #
  • ***
  • 08:26 left chooch alone for 5 mins with informercials; now all he can talk abt is a blender called the Amazing Power Puff (?) that we HAVE to buy. #
  • 12:19 Just spent the last 30 minutes befriending a wasted boy trying to sell magazines. His parting advice to Chooch: don’t get branded. #
  • 12:20 And out of the blue, he asked me if I was happy. We’re Facebook friends now. (Assuming he accepts my request! I might die if he doesn’t!) #
  • 12:52 It’s so rare that I converse w/ strangers at length these days, that my short episode w/ Ray the Magazine Schiller really struck me. #
  • 17:30 My coworker was bragging about meeting Chooch last night & all the ladies made jealous exclamations. I’m like, “Ladies, don’t fight.” #
  • 18:44 The date has been set for Blogathon 2010 & I’m totally doing it again. Who’s with me??? WE CAN MOVE THE WORLD! #
  • 19:50 Please keep this up, #Habs. #StanleyCup (Sorry, just can’t quit the hockey tweets.) #
  • 21:51 Took Chooch w/ me to run on a high school track & he nearly out-ran two men for an entire lap. They were impressed & stopped to tell me so. #
  • 21:52 “He’s gonna be on TV someday,” the one man said. Yeah, let’s hope it’s the Olympics & not OUTRUNNING THE LAW. #
  • ***
  • 08:46 Well. Henry left me another voicemail of himself having sex with machinery. Get a life. #
  • 12:34 Henry asked me if I missed him; I said YES real quick, because I thought it meant he had something for me. Turns out he was just wondering. #
  • 14:18 Discovered 11 voice memos on my phone, all left in various zombie groans. Thanks son. #
  • 15:10 Me: according to all my old journals, we shouldn’t even be together. Henry: I don’t need any old journals to tell me THAT. #
  • 18:02 Henry texted me to say that Chooch ordered his own rib dinner; waited his turn & everything. Now all he needs us for is to wipe his ass:( #
  • 22:32 Come on, #Sharks! #
  • 22:37 Went to the high school track again w/ my bodyguards. It’s scary there at nite, could get raped by the industrial arts instructor. #
  • 10:32 I apparently just ate a toaster struedel like it was my first time. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

May 152010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 18:08 Somehow I managed to not tweet once during Chooch’s zombie party. #
  • 18:15 RT @CocoaDeeLamo: pic of @daboogmang and the birthday boy as zombies! bit.ly/bToyEi #
  • 20:30 Bill and Jessi are here for post-zombie party #Pens madness. Just apologized for screaming when Gonchar scored!!!! #
  • 22:34 @Josh_Hilden nudity at my house! NSFW! brizzly.com/pic/2DOJ #
  • 22:39 Chooch told the pizza guy, “I have pants on.” He didn’t call him a douche cup though; that name’s reserved for @daboogmang. #
  • 23:13 Just learned the critically acclaimed dance called Dishing Out the Sausage. Ever heard of it? #
  • ***
  • 00:33 Good job, #Sharks! #
  • 09:53 I’ve learned t o expect nothing for Mother’s Day, much like my birthday. #
  • 10:30 Chooch, in his glory with a remote control Zombie and Leatherface from his party// brizzly.com/pic/2DTS #
  • 12:29 At King’s. Just yelled at Chooch but the offender was really Bill! #
  • 13:04 The same pot has been in my sink for a week now. I’m proving a point by not washing it. Unforch, that point has gone unnoticed by Henry. #
  • 13:52 I hate it when Jessi and Bill leave! So does Chooch, but the fact that he can now take off his pants is comforting him. #
  • 14:35 I just washed the dishes while Henry naps luxuriously upon the couch. Happy mother’d day. #
  • 16:09 King’s bit.ly/9Lygw8 (my blog titles get more and more generic) #
  • 17:31 HENRY PULLED MY HAIR. CALL THE POPO. #
  • 20:07 Zombie Chooch: Sneak Peek bit.ly/cSOfGO #
  • 20:18 Henry tried to strangle me while I had my hands in my pockets and my panicking made them stuck! It was horrible. #
  • ***
  • 09:47 Thanks to @ohidontthinkso for buying every coloring utensil known to man, Chooch is in a very quiet zone this morning. Bless you, Kara! #
  • 10:1 8 I never tire of “Hungry Like the Wolf.” Chooch just said it’s a bitchy song & he’s mocking it. Asshole kid. #
  • 11:39 Thank god for sidewalk chalk brizzly.com/pic/2E6T #
  • 11:49 My neighbor Robin is broadcasting some serious classic rock from her house right now. I’m imagining her slunk across the sofa, binged out. #
  • 11:50 I just realized it’s Bad Company’s greatest hits. I love Robin. #
  • 12:15 Asked Chooch what kind of bday party he wants to have next yr. W/o hesitation he said, “A carrot party. W/ carrot icing.” Got it, friends? #
  • 12:45 My Favorite Neighbor: Robin bit.ly/abq7Aj #
  • 12:57 I think I was just criticized by an older mom-type for having the audacity to throw my kid a zombie party. Glad she didn’t come, then. #
  • 15:46 Making Henry listen to the new Pierce the Veil in the car & staring at him for a reaction. I know he loves it. The blank stare tells me. #
  • 19:17 I wish people would stop printing important legal documents so I can HEAR THE HOCKEY GAME. #
  • 19:23 HAHAHAHA CROSBY SCORES! #Pens #Habs Keep taunting him, Montreal. #
  • 20:45 CHOOCH GOT ME SEA MONKEYS!!! I have the best kid. #
  • 20:50 Henry is Cruel bit.ly/9ZjsBI #
  • 20:57 Had the nerve to call Henry a douche cup, making Chooch flip his lid. “NO THAT’S BILL! BILL IS THE DOUCHE CUP!” #
  • ***
  • 11:06 I may be alone in this boat, but the customer support ppl at AT&T are the only ones who don’t cause me to make stabbing motions. #
  • 11:13 Chooch will take a bath in five weeks, in case you were wondering how long to expect the jelly smears to remain stained on his cheeks. #
  • 15:41 Henry is angry because he took a whole minute out of his day to explain a pressure washer to me, only for me to say “That sounds stupid.” #
  • 16:18 Rain + #Pens loss = wrist-slitting atmosphere in the office today. #
  • 16:31 I sure hope the mere fact that I like Happy Town doesn’t curse it into cancellation. #SaveHappyTown!!! #
  • 22:12 Forgot how stupidly high my heels are until I took them off and had to re-train myself to stand flat-foot. #
  • 23:26 Boy, watching “Drag Me to Hell” alone, before I go to bed, is definitely going to turn out to be one of them there brilliant ideas. #
  • ***
  • 00:37 My neighbors are dragging body bags down the steps again, no biggie. Probably stuffing them in the trunk of their $207,000 car about now. #
  • 10:06 Welp, today’s (obvious) lesson is definitely: Don’t Trust Chooch With Scissors. #
  • 10:18 Nothing like starting the day with some bloody trauma, mopping up big crimson drops. #
  • 11:26 Oh just great. Now my other cats have developed blood lust. TODAY IS WONDERFUL, THANKS FOR ASKING. #
  • 11:29 I am trying to avoid anything hockey-related until the game starts for fear of puking up stomach acid. #Pens #StanleyCup #
  • 13:00 Since this is popular now, maybe ppl will actually ask me something! formspring.me/ohhonestlyerin #
  • 13:58 Hard to imagine that this kid innocently watching Tom & Jerry was the cause of blood shed earlier. #
  • 15:03 Maybe I’m WEIRD but I fail to see the humor in my cat nearly getting her ear lopped off by my child. Fuck today. #
  • 15:04 And apparently, my son has taken to pissing on the basement floor. My grandma was right: I wasn’t meant to have children. #
  • 16:30 We’ve been discussing flashlights at work for the past 10 minutes. Henry would have a boner if he were here. #
  • 17:42 Hockey anticipation is seriously raping and pillaging my entire nervous system. #
  • 18:16 @ohidontthinkso and if Letang fucks up again tonite, I’m blaming Brenna & her stalking. #
  • 18:42 Had a bunch of women share their own children/pet horror stories & these are kids who were raised on Barney, etc. #
  • 19:53 Preparing for the worst. It’s not the end of the world. There’s still hockey to watch even if the #Pens lose. &lt;– My fake “mature” side. #
  • 19:54 Still, it would be nice if it was the #Habs turn to blow a lead. If they win this, they deserve to hoist the cup in June. #
  • 21:13 “Great save by Halak.” When ISN’T it. #
  • 21:39 I love you #Pens. It was a fun season. #
  • 21:47 #habs better go all the way. I’ll be rooting for them. #stanleycup #
  • 22:01 & they earned it: RT @NHL: #Habs first 8th seed to reach Eastern Conference Final since current p layoff format adopted in 1994. #StanleyCup #
  • ***
  • 00:37 I think tomorrow I’ll dress like Shabba Ranks. #
  • 01:06 I’m wide awake & just had a flashback of going to work at the lawfirm, but it was the 1970s. 1970s Erin is much better looking. #
  • 01:12 I’ve been getting lots of condolences, like I just had a miscarriage instead of suffering a hockey loss. I have sweet friends. #stanleycup #
  • 09:37 Had a dream that I chipped my front tooth. I didn’t handle that very well. #
  • 09:50 Chooch thinks Henry’s a doctor since he put Neosporin on the cat’s ear. He’s i n for a rude awakening when he finds out Henry’s salary #
  • 11:33 remember that song sheryl crow & kid rock did together? me either until i just had the misfortune of hearing it on the radio. ruined my day. #
  • 11:35 Crosby, you’re still my boy. Fuck all the haters in Pittsburgh. Most of the ones bitching probably never watched a regular season game. #
  • 12:27 Foxy Shazam keeps getting better like I keep getting dumber. #
  • 15:00 Gelato before work. Henry wins today. brizzly.com/pic/2FEI #
  • 20:16 Was just asked, “May I flick your switch?” Please do, yes. #
  • ***
  • 03:56 Thank god Chooch’s dramatics have me awake at 3:54am otherwise I’d have missed “Easy Lover” on the radio. #
  • 09:33 The Vampire Diaries finale was great, though not very shocking thanks to all the SPOILERS I saw on Twitter. Fuck. #
  • 11:12 #Twitition We want to KEEP Happy Town on TV (ABC) twitition.com/pbqrp @apparelbyal #
  • 12:50 Yes! Robin is outside in a bikini top. It’s things like this that make me thankful I work at night. #
  • 12:54 Sidney Crosby can’t even move out of Mario Lemieux’s house without backl ash. #NHL #Pens #
  • 15:37 Henry to me: Why would I want to listen to music that makes me want to die, when I can just talk to you? #
  • 19:39 KEEP IT UP #BRUINS!!! #
  • 20:47 Coulda left work early but got accosted by Tina Replicate, who was set on giving me a verbal tour of Hawaii. MOTHERFUCK. #
  • 21:00 It will be interesting when Chooch starts school & has classmates to invite to his bday parties, with the ideas he’s been throwing at me. #
  • 21:51 I WAS JUST SNUBBED BY ROBIN OMG. #
  • ***
  • 01:59 One look at Chooch while he’s sleeping & I almost forget what an asshole he is when he’s awake. #
  • 08:57 PILATES. #
  • 11:41 He’s way too big:( might as well just be 21. yfrog.com/juvgsj #
  • 11:54 In the span of 20 seconds, Chooch made a table of ladies “aw&qu ot; & a retarded guy laugh. #
  • 12:19 On the trolley, laughing at a cop who’s brushing his hair. Just got A Look from Henry, made me laugh harder. #
  • 12:27 Today I’m going to try and learn about my city. No, I’m not. Haha. That’s just silly. #
  • 13:56 At Oyster House, Chooch was told by the waitress: Youre not your average kid, are you? #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

May 082010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 16:46 The Jonny Craig. brizzly.com/pic/2AM5 #
  • 16:49 Watching Shaun of the Dead, Chooch just yelled “You failed!” to the zombie who got speared at the playground. #
  • ***
  • 12:47 Every time the Lady Gaga “Telephone” video comes on, Chooch stops what he’s doing and get this perverted smirk on his face. Scares me. #
  • 14:04 one faux hawk and a little too much honesty // bit.ly/a9sqgN #
  • 14:20 I feel better already. #
  • 15:07 Let’s play We Rule on the iPhone! My gamername is ‘ohhonestlyerin’. bit.ly/d4seUk #
  • 16:15 Chooch Nostalgia: The Big Baptism Class bit.ly/b7LDtX #
  • 16:26 Looks like the #Habs have your number, #Pens. #
  • 16:59 Chooch and I are about to wash dishes together. This probably won’t be funny. Not at all. #
  • 18:27 Oh that’s nice. Now it looks like one of us punched Chooch in the eye. #
  • 20:19 I’m always the last to finish my ice cream cone. #
  • ***
  • 00:30 It would be a lot better if the sequel was Sex and the City Goes to Hell in Hand-Me-Downs. #
  • 12:04 The UPS man just shattered Chooch’s dreams by accidentally coming to our house instead of the Professional Stair Stompers next door. #
  • 12:40 Wishing for Batcaves // brizzly.com/pic/2B9X #
  • 14:40 The Baptism //bit.ly/crSIYN #
  • 14:56 “I don’t want you to watch hockey anymore; you’re always putting noise in my ears,” Chooch said casually as we washed dishes. #
  • 15:37 Henry was just telling me Panama/The Service stories & I was crying/laughing. “This is why I don’t talk about myself!” he yelled. #
  • 18:21 I inhaled way too many varnish fumes today. I think it’s making me type faster. And see purple spots. #
  • 19:43 Hahahaha I almost just passed out. I think maybe I need a nutritionist. Oh and better ventilation. #
  • 19:47 I madededed a bracelet // brizzly.com/pic/2BF3 #
  • 21:20 It’s been so long since I’ve been to Denny’s NOTHING HERE IS FAMILIAR. #
  • ***
  • 00:46 I just gave myself implants. Should I be bleeding this much? Oh well, the plants needed watered anyway. #
  • 12:49 Today I cleaned the microwave. That should make me exempt from any form of labor for at least12 yrs. Oh wait, the Princess Card trumps that. #
  • 13:13 Since I cleaned the microwave, @awoodhick should cut the grass. And I do mean the yard, not the pubes of his Ukranian concubine. #
  • 13:38 When I asked Chooch why he put a large rock in the middle of the sidewalk, he said “So ppl will trip over it.” He must think I’m so dense. #
  • 13:43 OMG Hot Naybor Chris is cutting his grass & Henry is missing it. Oh well. #
  • 14:12 Please reserve a gurney; I’m teaching Chooch how to do cartwheels. #
  • 15:14 I could probably have an orgy in front of Henry & he wouldn’t notice as long as I put True Life on first. #
  • 16:52 Oh good I’m down to 50% vision. Been too long since that’s last happened. #
  • 21:06 MALKIN!! Glad they waited for me to come home from work before scoring. #pens #stanleycup #
  • 21:39 Fleury gets shutouts when they matter. Yay #Pens! #
  • 21:53 Chooch Nostalgia!: A Photoshoot, December 2006 bit.ly/aJUIZZ &lt;–Oh, that’s so close to JIZZ! #
  • 22:39 What’s up, Red Wings? #
  • ***
  • 13:14 The Chooch and Dumb Mommy Show is happening live outside the house right now. #
  • 13:40 10 Random Things bit.ly/bVaWue #
  • 14:33 Henry wasn’t home for 1 minute before he found the phone charger I’ve been searching for ALL DAY. One of the few reasons I keep him around. #
  • 15:18 Criminal Neighbor bit.ly/9bv5aF #
  • 19:22 Ever since I posted in my blog about hating being a mom, Chooch has been a real treat. Can he read now??? #
  • 20:17 Obsessing over my neighbors, no biggie b #
  • 20:19 “No biggie b” is the new no biggie. I OWN my typos, bitch. #
  • ***
  • 01:55 i wish it was 1986. I’d borrow a sweater from Dr Huxtable and audition for a Levert video. Maybe go to bed at a decent hour. Ayo. #
  • 11:27 Aside from the legit schizo* we had to cross the street to evade, Chooch’s and my walk to CVS was quite uneventful. (*Not a joke.) #
  • 11:29 Ok fine! My nerves are a little cranked right now. I’m calming down with a Java Monster. #
  • 11:40 SCHIZO JUST WALKED PAST MY HOUSE! I yanked Chooch inside to keep him safe, but mostly because I wanted to take pictures of her. #
  • 11:44 Today’s definition of awkward: a feuding couple walked belligerantly by. Chooch interrupted them to say hi. #
  • 11:47 There are schizophrenics in my family. Watching this lady roam around the church sidewalks, shouting, is like a glimpse of my future. #
  • 13:00 Chooch, watching the 2006 Night of the Living Dead: a NUDE zombie? What the hell? #
  • 14:02 Two guys in a truck slowed down to gawk at Chooch and me playing zombies in the front yard. Then I realized how lowcut my shirt is. Fuck. #
  • 14:08 I never get to be a zombie! He always makes me be Barbara! Furthermore, Chooch is the fastest zombie ever. He scares me! #
  • 17:32 Some of my co-workers have been dreaming of me. The plan is in motion. #
  • 19:22 Chris Kunitz and his reviewable goals; my fingernails suffer some more. #Pens #StanleyCup #
  • 20:53 Standing downtown, waiting for my ride home. Pretty sure these guys are scrubbing up a murder behind me. #
  • ***
  • 11:28 Who needs TV when there’s Brookline bit.ly/9hwxyb
  • 12:22 To all the ppl who didn’t give a shit about hockey until the #Pens made the playoffs: Yes, plz keep up the criticism! You know everything! #
  • 12:30 Dreamt that Matt Goddard from @chiodos was staying at our house and thought I was cool. The last part is how I know it was a dream. #
  • 12:36 Got an invitation to lunch from my boss at work. IN THE MAIL. So this is what a good work environment is like. Strange! #
  • 12:42 When Henry & I engage in a deadly domestic dispute (inevitably), I hope it’s somewhere cooler than Old Navy. #
  • 14:51 If I had to choose between my face & tits, I’d stare at my tits too, fellas. #
  • 15:00 Henry looks like one of the three muskateers today. And now I’m making myself sick from laughing at him. #
  • ***
  • 09:22 Henry is on the phone with his ex-wife! BE QUIET YOU GUYS. #
  • 11:07 Henry just called me a tattletale and said I’m like Chooch’s sister. :( #
  • 11:57 Listening to Armor For Sleep and mixing up some blood. #
  • 13:05 It’s a good thing i’m not a party planner professionally. #
  • 14:25 Alisha was blowing up a balloon and it burst in her face and I couldn’t stop laughing and Bill said it was forced. :( #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

May 012010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:44 Strawberry shortcake shot from Vanilla Pastry Studio. & I say again: Suck a dick, Dozen Cupcakes. brizzly.com/pic/27D3 #
  • 14:49 Chooch is on the fast track to sweets snobbery: brizzly.com/pic/27D8 #
  • 18:44 I’m on a ’90s r&b kick and I fear that a suicide attempt is looming. HO W DID I LISTEN TO THIS 24:7 AS A TEEN AND LIVE TO SEE 30??? #
  • 18:46 I wish I had more than 140 characters to tweet Henry’s muttering commentary as I flail around in despair. TIME FOR BABYFACE. K, BYE. #
  • 19:20 Another nerve-racking night of hockey, fisting my ulcer. #StanleyCup #
  • 19:25 Absolutely watching through finger-slats. #letsgopens? #
  • 19:40 Unfuckingbelievable. Send me to Toronto. #
  • 19:59 Chooch deleted my Zombie Farm. I might kill him. Henry is trying to play referee. I HATE KIDS! #
  • 20:09 Henry, trying to calm me down post-Zombie Farm fiasco: “Sweetheart, it’s just a game.” Bring me pills, vodka, Viking porn. NOT WORDS. #
  • 20:17 Crosby’s hurt & Ottawa continues to boo him. Fuck you, Canada. Classless poutine-fuckers. #
  • 20:31 COOKIE! Dump some cheese curds on this game and shove it up Ottawa’s ass! #pens #stanleycup #
  • 20:54 Can someone piss off Malkin? Or dress up as his parents? #pens #
  • 21:25 Keep taking away our goals, we’ll just come right back with one! #letsgopens #stanleycup #
  • 21:36 COOKIE AGAIN!!! Hurry up, ref. Find a reason to review this goal too. #pens #
  • 21:39 Cooke > Ruutu. #
  • 21:55 This game has me so stressed, I’ m about to start eating ice cream from the carton. And soaking in a gin bath. #pens #stanleycup #
  • 22:17 #PENS WIN!!!!!! I’M CRYING!!! At least the Sens don’t have far to go to get home. #teetime!!!! #
  • 22:21 Pascal beat Pascal. So fucking sweet! Good series, #sens. Tell Carrie Underwood to start writing a sad kuntry song for y’all. #StanleyCup #
  • ***
  • 00:06 I feel like having a $41 nightcap. #
  • 00:44 I was really pulling for the #Avs. #StanleyCup #
  • 10:23 Hmm. I’m putting together toys while Henry is upstairs sleeping. Must be either Christmas or Chooch’s birthday. #
  • 11:07 Chooch, mouth ensconsed with chocolate frosting, opts to spend his birthday morning watching his idol Jason Voorhees. #
  • 11:13 Remakes are lamesville, but at least this one’s got Jared Padalecki. (Though Jensen Ackles would be better.) #
  • 11:18 I’m starting a Coalition to Bomb the PlayMobile Headquarters. Fucking assholes, with their eleventy billion piece play sets. #
  • 12:03 Chooch, thoroughly impressed: “She’s really good at killing Jason.” He was so serious, & you missed it. #
  • 12:19 I’d be pissed off too, if I was made by PlayMobile: brizzly.com/pic/27RM #
  • 15:33 Alisha just said it’s weird to see Chooch with pants on. It’s true. #
  • 15:37 Just suggested that we go run around in the rain. “Yeah you do that,” Alisha said. “In your see-thru shirt.” #
  • 17:37 I went to great lengths to hide that fucking PlayMobile set and ALISHA SOLD ME OUT. #
  • 17:38 FUCK YOU brizzly.com/pic/27WS #
  • 18:17 I want Alisha to get the Bevmule. Then I can start drinking 4 beverages at once when I visit. #
  • 19:08 Alisha was in the middle of watching Coraline when I abruptly turned on NHL Network. She secretly wishes she got this channel. #
  • 20:06 When I complained that my headache hasn’t gone away, Henry muttered, “Thats because you can’t get away from yourself.” Dummy fucker. #
  • *** Continue reading »
Apr 242010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:42 I just dusted, sorta! You guys should have been there. #
  • 16:56 Painted a bunch of umbrellas. Somnambulant goes Mary Poppins, apparently. I always want to spell apparently with an -ally b/c I’m dumb. #
  • 16:57 Cleaning update: Henry is asphyxiating on bleach in the bathroom; I’m watching a commercial for the EZ Cracker. #
  • 17:02 @penschat Agreed. I can’t stand fair-weathered fans. I guess not even Pittsburgh is above that shit, though. :/ #
  • 17:14 Boy. I was JUST ABOUT to get up and help Henry clean when I pulled some muscle somewhere. Oh well. A for effort! #
  • 17:24 Goddamn I sure love my laugh. Henry does too. It’s what made him fall in love with me. Not my deep-throating skillz, no sir. #
  • 18:13 Henry just admitted that I helped by staying out of his way. I bothered my cat Marcy all day instead. She says thanks, Henry! #
  • 21:54 Fuck Backstrum, am I right Montreal? #
  • 21:56 Backstrom. Backstrum. What the fuck ever. He should be carrying pails of water up a hill somewhere, is all I know. #
  • ***
  • 13:49 Henry’s starting a fight w/ me b/c when he asks what I want from the store I say “something delicious” then get pis sed at what he buys. #
  • 13:49 HE’S NOT GOING TO WIN THIS ONE. #
  • 15:22 We’re @ the nursing home visiting Henry’s mom & he’s jelis b/c one of her neighbors is here, trying to steal Henry’s spot as her only son. #
  • 15:24 I think his name is Adrian & Henrys mom hasn’t said a word to Henry the whole time. Henry keeps twitching his ‘stache in fury. #
  • 16:17 The Chrstina Chronicles: Where Spring Fever & My Big Mouth Get Me In Trouble www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4670 #
  • 16:39 Henry’s mom is popular. #
  • 18:54 Drankin’ wine, watching hockey. Thank god for weekend playoff games. #
  • 18:57 Oh Canada, how quickly you forget the man you’re booing is the one who won you that thing called THE OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL. #
  • 19:19 NO GOAL! Ottawa cries in their poutine. #letsgopens #stanleycup #
  • 19:34 I bought a Strap Perfect. I was starting to feel too cool, so I needed a lame purchase to knock me down. It was either that or a Bump-it. #
  • 19:36 And despite what the commercial says, Henry had to put it on my bra for me. It was less ‘boom chicka’, more circus calliope. #
  • 19:51 All you have to do is glance at my fingernails to know it’s #StanleyCup playoff time. #pens #
  • 20:12 KEEP BOOING CROSBY, GUYS! #stanleycup #
  • 20:50 For a second there, I was sure that was Uncle Jessie on the ice; turns out it was just a helmetless Kris Letang. #stanleycup #pens #
  • 21:03 Hate it when fans boo their own team. Hated it when Pittsburgh did it on Friday & now tonite Ottawa look like douches too. #Stanleycup #
  • 22:00 Chooch is bitching about having a headache & in a pissed off tone, he said, “Because you were too noisy during the hockey game!&quo t; #
  • ***
  • 10:51 Chooch is watching “Halloween” while I work on the computer. What a terrific example of great parenting. #
  • 13:29 I derive great joy from updating Henry’s LiveJournal. GREAT JOY. #
  • 14:48 Bumpershoots, ‘oots, ‘oots // www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4684 #
  • 15:36 Today I put my bracelet on by myself. I don’t need you anymore, Henry. #
  • 20:19 You might have heard a rumor about me. But it’s not true. I’m not a copier machine whisperer. Maybe ask someone else for help. #
  • 21:42 Chooch made his first Etsy sale. It’s totally bloating his head. Now he’s all, “I want to paint now!” as dollar signs spin in his eyeballs. #
  • 21:52 For the last 5 minutes, Chooch & I have been intensely discussing candy bars. It was the most adult convo I’ve had in days. #
  • ***
  • 00:18 I need a fluke. No, a flute. No. A fluke. #
  • 10:53 Stumbled across a photo of me from when I was pregnant. Suddenly don’t feel so bad about myself today. #
  • 10:55 Showed the photo to Chooch & screamed, “LOOK WHAT U DID TO ME U LITTLE MONSTER!” He seemed proud. #
  • 14:18 It offends me when people say Chooch looks like Henry. #
  • 16:52 Whoever would have thought one little letter “e” could have so much power. #
  • 17:06 Hooooo boy, a new mehoover post // bit.ly/dyuhr5 #
  • 20:46 #PENS, STOP TAKING PENALTIES THX. #
  • 20:49 #pens #sens game is bananas. 6-3 Pens in the second period! I LOVE THE #STANLEYCUP PLAYOFFS!! #
  • ***
  • 08:48 @awoodhick Oh shit. I just noticed you spelled all those words right. #
  • 08:51 Still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Pittsburgh now hates Ben Roethlisberger like I always have. Weird to be in majority. #
  • 09:55 My coffee tastes like celery. #
  • 10:41 Me: Today’s Robert’s bday (I don’t have to say his last name for Chooch to know who I mean) Chooch: I wanna see what cake he’s gonna have! #
  • 12:53 Dear Chooch, sorry I burnt your lunch. But what did you expect when you asked for buttered noodles? #
  • 15:28 Chooch just angrily yelled, “Why are those little bitches looking at me???” Probably because you’re acting like u have Tourettes, Chooch. #
  • 16:29 We’ve been discussing porn for the past 15 minutes. I love my job!!!! #
  • 17:06 I HAVE A HANGNAIL AND A WORK BOYFRIEND. #
  • 17:16 I think work bf’s name is Andy. Don’t worry, @awoodhick, he’s not one of the lawyers so it’d just be a lateral move. #
  • 21:40 Henry is the wor st business partner ever. #
  • ***
  • 10:36 The Christina Chronicles: The Ambush bit.ly/ct3WRS #
  • 13:52 Fuck you for not taking Chooch to work today, Henry. #
  • 14:07 @awoodhick Ooooh burn. Chooch just said, “Daddy loves Blake more than me.” GOOD JOB DAD. #
  • 21:04 I never ever thought there’d come a day when I’d give someone the larger half of a piece of chocolate. Enjoy it, Chooch. You jerk. #
  • 21:19 OMG my hockey fingernails; OMG this game. #letsgopens!!! #
  • 22:00 I really can’t handle OT playoff games. #
  • 23:41 Fuck that. #
  • ***
  • 00:40 The Penguins might have lost in triple OT but at least there’s a Mint Condition video on VH1’s Soulphrodisiac RIGHT NOW. #
  • 00:44 I don’t remember this guy’s voice being so falsetto. Henry’s was for awhile tonight. I kept kicking his weener while he brushed his teeth. #
  • 00:46 Oh look! Another video with an r&b group wearing matching suits WITH NO SHIRT UNDERNEATH! omg I’m so horny now. #
  • 00:49 I like how sometimes the guy from Silk we ars glasses in this video. And sometimes HE DOES NOT. And WTF ever happened to En Vogue. #
  • 00:52 I think being retweeted by @MeeSoHorny is a good indication that it’s bed time. #
  • 10:16 Chooch does everything by himself. What does he even need me for?? I’m going to the bar. Outtie. #
  • 13:57 Oh thank god for Kohls! I haven’t seen shit splattered on a wall in so long. Probably since I was last locked in the psych ward. #
  • 14:19 OMG Henry’s giving a truck driver directions & I’m trying so hard not to laugh. Ok, I’m not really trying. At all. He thinks he’s so cool. #
  • 18:19 One of the bigwigs just asked, “Why are you working here? You should be out taking photos!” And writing books too, no?! Too easy. #
  • 18:20 I’m really starting to feel like a waste. #
  • 18:58 Shooting Sprees & Chiodos // www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4709 #
  • 19:09 I’m the least artsy “artist” you will ever meet. Jesus Christ, do I fit in anywhere?! #
  • 21:44 #HABS!!! #HABS!!! #
  • 21:52 The ppl in the booth behind me at Kings are making flux capacitor jokes. I’m making exaggerated laughing faces & Henry scolded me. #
  • 21:56 The old lady behind Chooch is neither amused nor softened by Chooch’s dimpled grin. CUNT! #
  • 21:59 Chooch can write all his letters, every last one! He’s already smarter than Henry! #
  • 22:17 Just watched my son eat his ice cream like a dog. In a restaurant. And I didn’t care. #
  • 22:54 When Hockey & Murder Collide bit.ly/9UPS8K #
  • 23:07 I’d like to punch Bruce Boudreau in his flapping jowls. Of all the #Caps, I despise him the most. He is the TRUE crybaby of the NHL. #
  • 23:46 My cat Don just used his ass to turn the channel from the NHL Network to some God programming. Not feeling it, Don. #
  • ***
  • 02:05 NHL On the Fly’s on in the background & I promise, every time I look up it’s just in time to see #Caps Belanger pull out his bloody tooth. #
  • 10:19 I feel like if it doesn’t reduce me to tears & leave me fashioning a noose out of my sports bra, it’s not really boot camp. #
  • 11:07 Almost bought a pair of stripper shoes. Still considering it because THEY’RE CUTE AND I DON’T CARE. #
  • 11:12 Me: I just won’t wear them to work Henry: Then where will you wear them? To the strip club? FUCKER. #
  • 11:41 Midwestern emo never lets me down. #
  • 12:57 Just bought the new Circa Survive & Henry mumbled “oh boy.” Also bought Chooch the new Friday the 13th for his bday tmrw. Great parenting. #
  • 13:03 Our car is filled with Anthony Green’s voice and Henry looks ready to blow his face off. #
  • 13:05 Fuck Walmart for being the only place that sells How To Train Your Dragon shit. This is the 2nd time in a mth I’ve had to go to Shitmart:( #
  • 13:10 Oh thank God, avoided Walmart. Though I feel filthy and have the urge to say “ain’t” just f rom driving thru the parking lot. #
  • 13:12 Apparently 2 minutes in the Walmart parking lot is long enough to see three men spitting their tabacca with great gusto. #
  • 14:18 It’s amazing I’ve come this far utilizing such poor judgement. #
  • 14:18 It’s amazing how many times it took me to spell “utilizing.” #
  • 14:2 8 Henry to me: YOU’LL BE CRYING IN A MINUTE IF YOU DONT STOP. We’re in love, he and I. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Apr 172010
 

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 15:35 It’s not often I slide a piece of pie across the table for someone else to eat, after one bite. Fuck you, Ree’s Family Restaurant. #
  • 16:56 Sometimes? HENRY HOLDS MY HAND. brizzly.com/pic/20Z4 #
  • 17:27 Hay! If you’re having a super great day & want to make it terrible, just take it to Henry. He’ll shit all over it for you. No more smiles! #
  • 18:42 Chooch: What’s a mullet? [Listens to my explanation] I want it. %^^%@&$@!!??&@ #
  • 19:13 Hopefully Sidney Crosby gets a hat trick tonight, else the Jehovahs Witnes I slaughtered for the spell was all in vain. #pens #
  • 20:10 I love you, Matt Cooke!! #NHL #pens #
  • 20:24 Godard/Boulton fight was fucking stellar, I cheered so loud. I LOVE HOCKEY. #NHL #pens. #
  • 21:36 Are we honestly going to get shut out by the fucking Thr ashers? #
  • 22:15 Wrote this on the wall at Henry’s job. Can’t stop laughing. Nightcap of easy amusement? Don’t mind if I do. brizzly.com/pic/212D #
  • 22:20 I tell Chooch to run; Henry tells him to walk. We are parentally in sync, obviously. #
  • ***
  • 10:48 I’ve been trying to get Henry to like Circa Survive for 4 years now. I’m starting to think he’s purposely being contrary. Bastard. #
  • 11:45 I don’t know why exactly I’m so upset that Dixie Carter bit it. #
  • 12:39 The sad thing is, I might actually like some of Justin Bieber’s songs if they were sung by someone legit. Like Tiny Tim. #
  • 12:48 Just caught Chooch lip-synching to Adam Lambert. Upon realizing he was caught, Chooch spat, “He’s a bitch.” Way to play it off, son. #
  • 14:37 Am deeply saddened that I don’t have any Bone Thugs n Harmony in the car to listen to while Henry is grocery shopping. Mo’ murda f’realz. #
  • 15:06 Evans City Cemetery & a Joke of a Pie bit.ly/dBFAAE #
  • 16:51 Springtime means scrolling past a plethora of ubiquitous floral shots on flickr. If I’ve seen one flower, I’ve seen ’em all. #
  • 17:19 Hi! I can’t wait for Henry to get his own hockey team so he can stop coaching the Penguins from the couch. #NHL #
  • 17:25 Godard of all players scores! Everyone’s gonna score tonight but Crosby, watch. COME ON, SID!! #pens #NHL #
  • 17:43 SIDNEY CROSBY GETS 50TH GOAL FOR REALZ THIS TIME!!!! I’M PROUD LIKE HIS MOMMY! #NHL #pens #
  • 18:59 Today rules! Sidney Crosby bests Ovechkin in goals scored and my boyfriend Phil Mickelson wins the Masters! #NHL #golfthings #
  • 19:55 That was one of the most exciting hockey games I’ve seen all season. #pens #isles #
  • 20:09 I hope Ovechkin is SICK right now. #
  • 22:04 I don’t hate nature, Henry. Just the Amazon. Alaska. Oceans. Ocean floors. Glaciers. Rivers. Ice on rivers. Mud. #
  • 22:06 I also really REALLY hate outer space. Like, so much it makes my stomach hurt and I feel dizzy. Stop telling me shit about it, NASA! #
  • ***
  • 09:13 When the Senators lose to the #Pens in the 1st round of the playoffs, will Carrie Underwood write some shitty country song about it? #NHL #
  • 09:42 Damn you, now I’m crying too! RT @skyspun: This commercial made me cry. It’s just really moving to me… bit.ly/dx1zXr #
  • 11:19 I’m so glad Brothers & Sisters was 2 hours long last night because I really needed to cry twice as much. #
  • 15:31 Do not even get me started on Ben Roethlisberger. But if you wanna bring his jock over here, I have many pairs of sharp-heeled shoes. #
  • 20:05 Would suck a dick, maybe even yours, for a date milkshake right now. #
  • ***
  • 14:34 Not with it today. #
  • 14:49 I have heart palpitations all day long, courtesy of my child. The 5 hours I spend each nite at work is my only stress-free time. FUNNY. #
  • 15:55 Oh good, because I haven’t had a cop story to tell in awhile. #
  • 18:10 Welp. My finger’s still broken. Not to be confused with my donger, which is what i typed 3x previously. #
  • 18:39 Put Chooch in the corner where he belongs. brizzly.com/pic/2267 #
  • 21:26 Henry’s making me a date shake, about fucking time. I’ve only wanted one since YESTERDAY, goddamn him. #
  • 21:39 Hello Henry!! I can’t hear my shows over the blender!! Jesus, learn some courtesy. #
  • ***
  • 10:23 Today’s Obvious Statement: Cops Are Dicks // www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4645 #
  • 10:40 I had a dream that Henry & I were at some store that was going out of business & he bought me some hockey DVDs; I was so happy I cried. #
  • 10:47 Chooch is one more asshole-move away from not having a birthday party. We need Janna, the Chooch Whisperer. #
  • 12:02 To say I’m excited for the start of the #StanleyCup playoffs tonight is like saying whores enjoy fucking. #
  • 12:58 Henry and I are fighting because I said I’d rather eat a human than an animal. Clearly he’ll have to be my first. #
  • 13:20 Our waitress at IHOP is super hardcore knowledable about the pancakes here. I bet she has IHOP Lyfer tattooed on her breast. #
  • 13:21 Ive never been more afraid of ordering incorrectly. Or forgetting that her name is Nicole, which she’s reminded us 12x already. #
  • 13:45 Chooch wants the waitress’s brains. brizzly.com/pic/22IB #
  • 14:04 Chooch just asked if he could take the IHOP knife home. #
  • 15:20 Another Reason Henry & I Differ // bit.ly/9FuAiK #
  • 18:29 Ruffles make me feel regal. brizzly.com/pic/22M3 #
  • 19:20 MALKINNNNN!!!! #letsgopens #stanleycup #
  • 19:52 Fuck that period. #pens #StanleyCup #
  • 22:25 My first collaboration with Chooch! // Zombie note card set by noncomposcards on Etsy bit.ly/dlQgIj #
  • 23:46 So far, on Fresh Meat II, I have my hate gun pointed at Laurel. Not only is she an Amazon cunt, but I bet she’s a Red Wings fan too. #
  • ***
  • 10:02 There’s an unseen bird of some sort living on the neighbor’s roof. I think it’s an owl; Henry says dove. Now he wants to call Bindi Irwin. #
  • 12:41 Jesus Christ will always look like him, RIP Peter Steele. :( bit.ly/9UXmRq #
  • 13:24 Dropped off a bunch of art at Wildcard today; wish I could have dropped off Chooch, too. Fuck motherhood. #
  • 13:52 Is Blake Lively as dead-behind-the-eyes in her other roles as she is as Serena on Gossip Girl? When she says “I love you,” I don’t buy it! #
  • 18:11 One of the analysts noticed my pics of Chooch & stopped to have a lengthy photography chat. Made my day. #
  • 18:16 I like it when people recognize that I don’t always suck. Except when I’m sucking. Don’t stand too close, else you catch my profoundness. #
  • 18:20 Would be fantastic if the #Habs took out the #Caps in the 1st round…that’s replacing my usual fantasy of eating grilled cheeses w/ Alf. #
  • 18:42 Poop & Worms, & How They Apply To Henry // www.ohhonestlyerin.com/archives/4653 #
  • 21:18 #Habs just had an impressive penalty kill, made me proud. Probably raised Boudreau’s blood pressure a lil’. #StanleyCup #
  • 21:59 Hey quick! Someone divorce me and win custody of my kid. #
  • 22:11 #HABS WIN IN OT! Ooooh, you just know Ovie’s caveman blood is boiling right now. #
  • ***
  • 00:25 While I appreciate Versus airing the Stanley Cup playoffs, I always have a hard time hearing the announcers on this channel. Cry for me. #
  • 10:52 The new Circa Survive is…goosebumps galore.They always knows how to get under my skin in all the best possible ways. I can’t even… #
  • 12:24 Chooch is #
  • 12:25 ….posting my tweets before Im done typing them, apparently. #
  • 12:29 Chooch just noticed the UPS truck outside & screame d “Maybe Andrea (@mrsevils) got me more toys!” She’s created a monster! #
  • 12:57 Awesome! 1950’s Housewife is outside gardening in her peddle-pushers and reminding me that I’m not worthy of my vagina. Fucking bitch. #
  • 18:08 If Henry was any kind of man, there’d be sushi waiting for me after work tonight. #
  • 19:13 Maybe I shouldn’t listen to this game. #letsgopens? #
  • 21:13 That’s the second time tonight I’ve thanked your god for Sidney Crosby. #Pens # StanleyCup #
  • 21:25 Fuck all the Sidney Crosby haters. The dirty work he did for Letang to get that goal made my head spin. #LETSGOPENS!!!!! #
  • 21:32 And that was NOT the last game played in the Igloo!!!! #pens #Stan leyCup #
  • 23:22 Watching Cory Clouston admit that Crosby was the best player on the ice tonight was just the cherry on top of a sweet win. #StanleyCup #
  • 23:44 I just scooped caviar with a Pringle out of the gutted cavity of a dead monk. No I didn’t. It was Melba toast. Sorry for fibbing. #
  • ***
  • 08:58 I don’t think I could have a baby with someone who wears Avenged Sevenfold shirts. #
  • 13:05 Housecleaning is for pussies bit.ly/bpQt2M #
  • 13:25 My god, housecleaning turns Henry into a bleeding vag. Meanwhile, I cleaned for 5 min. Taki ng my 60 min break now. #
  • 13:28 Henry has some nerve, vacuuming while I’m trying to watch TV. He just moved the couch with me sitting on it. I guess we’re in the way. #

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