Mar 6

Föstudagur

That may or may not be “Friday” in Icelandic. You never know if the things you learn in Internet College (i.e. Google) are True Story or not. But I thought that hey, maybe putting a weird-looking word in the title would entice people to click. LINGUISTIC CLICK BAIT. 

Anyway, all that memory lane-tripping over the last week has left me exhausted. Let’s unwind with some good old-fashioned bullet points and iPhone pictures, because that’s real life, you guys.

  • The weather was disgusting on Sunday. Look, I’ve done pretty well with not bitching and moaning about winter this year, but when it’s March and still looking like a hobo’s dirty Slurpee outside, I AM GOING TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I don’t think the sun came out once all day, and we were treated with some sickening, wet snowfall. Or, as those in the meterological know say: “wintry mix.” So, basically perfect weather to meet Chris and Monica at Sonic to try the new chocolate jalapeno milkshake. If you’ve ever been to Sonic, you know there’s no “inside” to it. You park and your food is brought out to your car. Not very conducive to meeting friends and hanging out on a wintry mix-y day. But, that’s what we did. Henry was like, “You fools can enjoy yourselves standing in the parking lot like rejects; I’m just going to sit in the car and scroll through Facebook even though I only have approx. 40 friends so probably my feed hasn’t changed.”
    • My jalapeno was bigger than Chris’s jalapeno. Monica took a sip of Chris’s shake and cried out, “I got a hot piece!” which actually made Henry laugh audibly from inside the car. Who knew Henry sometimes pays attention to what THE GIRLS are talking about?!

  • During our milkshake suck-fest, all of us realized that we hadn’t eaten lunch yet, so we finished our milkshake appetizers and went down the street to Kings, where Henry actually decided to sit at the same table as us, and Chris agreed to let the ghost of Henry’s grandma use her as a host in order to teach Chooch how to knit. So, just your normal lunch convo, really. Then Monica* was like, “Chooch, follow your dad into the bathroom and take a picture of him for all of us to see” so Chooch did it and we all died. Always so much fun hanging out with those two!
    • *True or False?

  • In order to distract myself on Mournday, Janna and I went to the Hollywood Theater to see What We Do In the Shadows, which was a really smart move because I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard in a movie theater and I REALLY NEEDED THAT. Janna brought a 4-pack of mini-wine with her so that made it even better. And we managed to not slip on ice and break ourselves because WINTER UGH DIE on the way there and back.
    • I highly recommend seeing this movie, which should mean a lot because I rarely tell you guys to watch things other than music videos. If you like vampires, mockumentaries, The Real World, and the New Zealand film industry, then you will probably like this movie. If I didn’t personally find movie reviews to be so boring, I would tell you more about it but instead I trust that you will just click the link up there. I was still laughing about it the next day at work and I TRIED to tell Glenn about it because I’m a very sharing person, but he was just like, “Oh OK.” Maybe if it was a silent film about boring Glenn-like people doing boring Glenn-like things, like talking about gas fireplaces and looking at clothes dryer manuals, his interest would have been piqued.

  • Still can’t believe Parks and Recreation is over. #RIPHarris
  • No one has given me their hometown “travel” pieces yet so I’m going to make up my own.
  • I always have pretty fucked up dreams (and nightmares—I LOVE HAVING NIGHTMARES) but lately they have almost all involved work people. I think on some subconscious tier, I must be more stressed out than I actually feel about all of the changes happening at work. I mean, some of them are really good changes, but still—it’s a change and changes and me just don’t agree. Even David Bowie’s “Changes” makes me feel stressed out on some level EVEN THOUGH I LOVE THAT SONG.
    • In one of my dreams, Sue (the director of the department) and I killed a man with our bare hands in Wendy’s backyard. Sue said good morning to me the next day and I had immediate flash backs and then proceeded to not make eye contact with her for the rest of the day. SUCH INTIMACY. Later in the dream, I had the guy’s head and it turned out he was still alive and he bit my arm really hard so I ripped his jaw off and if I stop typing and let the room grow quiet, I can still hear all of the popping and cracking of cartilage and bone.
    • In another dream, it turned out that my co-worker Cheryl and her husband were actually not married for all these years, so they decided to get married for real and I went to the wedding, which was in a huge cathedral that also had parts of Cheryl’s house in it. I was sitting at the top of a wide, red-carpeted staircase with another co-worker who works remotely from West Virginia and who I have little to no contact with; her knee hurt her so she asked me to slide down the steps with her, so I did, and I went too fast and slid across the floor in my dress and landed in a heap at the feet of a bunch of wedding attendees, so that was awkward. Then Amber-With-Child was there, minus the -With-Child, and she made me take a tour of the dessert tables with her, which literally meant walking through a spiraling corridor full of CAKES AND COOKIES AND CHOCOLATES but every time I would try to take something, she would tug me along. Finally, I snagged something and it turned out to be chocolate-covered paper. Then some girl appeared and kept quoting my blog at me and I was like, “OK that’s great” but she kept saying, “I MEAN AMIRITE?” and I was like “NO I DON’T RECOGNIZE THIS!” And then I was in Cheryl’s kitchen but everything was built for giants and I kept trying to climb up onto a stool but I couldn’t make it. When I told Cheryl the next day In real life, she asked, “But why was my kitchen built for giants?” I looked at her like she was idiotic and said, “Because you and your husband were giants!” God. Try to follow along, Cheryl. She’s the worst, amirite?
      • Meanwhile Henry had a dream that some girl fell down a well and Bradley Scott Walden from Emarosa went down to save her. I was like, “PLZ TELL ME I WAS THE GIRL!?!?”
  • The other day, I brought the latest issue of Alternative Press to work and made Glenn look at posters of Pierce the Veil with me. He made some insensitive comment about how they look like hooligans and/or misfits and I just sighed and said, “I like them because they’re Mexican.” Glenn said, “Oh, are they really?” and his tone suggested that maybe that would sway his opinion. “Well….they’re from San Diego” I said with a shrug.
  • Rosetta Stone’s “Adrenaline” just came on Spotify and I instinctively reached up to touch my spiked choker of yesteryear. #GothMemories #BlackBible
  • Two weekends ago, we were having Weather and Henry was outside shoveling. Hot Naybor Chris asked Henry if we needed any bread, and Henry said we needed hamburger buns, so Chris came back with like 4 grocery bags full of various breads, even a container of croissants and a King Cake. Maybe that love isn’t unrequited after all!
  • I decided something pretty major last week: The best Full House episode is the one where they lose Michelle at Disneyworld and the worst Full House episode is the one where they find Michelle at Disneyworld. Runners-up for best are probably the one where Joey is teaching Michelle to ride a bike and she crashes into a bush, followed closely by the one where she runs away and then Joey, Jessie and Danny show up at her friend’s house with all her shit and tell her to have a nice life. But then it ended up being reverse-psychology and she came back home. :(
  • “Move your damn tombstone,” Glenn said to me at work, which is pretty normal.
  • I fell down the 90s R&B rabbit hole last night (which is a ridiculous sentiment because I live in that rabbit hole) and while poor Henry was trying desperately to sneak away to bed, I was taking him on a tour of videos from the Jason’s Lyric soundtrack.  JASON’S LYRIC WAS MY EVERYTHING IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU GUYS. I saw it at least three times in the theater and that is what taught me what TRU LUV is all about: finding a guy whose brother is embroiled in THUGLYFE and then SAVING HIM (but not the gang member brother–that guy can eat it). This movie came out when I was dating my first real love, Justin Kail and basically he was Jason and I was his Lyric, which is pretty obvious, but then he broke up with me and I would listen to that soundtrack while crying hot, psycho tears like a true Girl, Interrupted. Meanwhile, the letters F, M and L were undulating in Henry’s pupils as I selected the first video: Sovory’s “Love Is Still Enough” which was fan-made and featured pictures and illustrations of all types of black couples, and I would turn every so often and lip-synch into Henry’s face, which he loves. It’s his favorite thing about me, maybe second only to when I eat popcorn and wipe my buttery fingers on the lenses of his glasses.  But then I put on the holy grail of the Jason’s Lyric soundtrack: YOU WILL KNOW, BY BLACK MEN UNITED!! This was like a veritable wet dream for a yo-girl like me in 1994, like my version of porn; all of these hot R&B singers in their prime, hoo-boy. (Of course, back then, my favorite was El DeBarge.) Anyway, right as the video started playing, I said wistfully to Henry, “Man, back then, I could name after last motherfucker on this song. I bet I don’t even know half of them now” right before I began crying out name after name in a breathless frenzy, like I was being timed. like there was a big prize at the end, like I’M A KNOW-IT-ALL. Henry looked more disgusted than impressed, which hurt.

  • Then we migrated up to bed, where I continued YouTubing 90s R&B hits on my phone, like Usher’s first big single “Can U Get Wit It.” “I knew about Usher before other white people,” I explained to Henry, because sometimes my megalomania cannot be contained. This inspired a tangent about MTV Veejay Ananda Lewis and how I hated her because she started out on BET’s Teen Summit, and BET was obviously playing Usher from the beginning, you know? Because that’s the shit that BET did. So then Ananda got all big-time and left BET for MTV, where, a few years later, she introduced a video from Usher’s second album and referred to him as a brand new artist WHEN SHE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WAS BULLSHIT. While I was spitting about this, I had pulled up her Wiki page and started relaying to Henry some facts about her sorry ass. “I can’t believe it doesn’t say anything about her lying on MTV about Usher,” I murmured. “Wow. Maybe you should add that fact yourself,” Henry suggested in the bored voice that I would probably be using if I was watching a silent film about boring Glenn-like people, doing boring Glenn-like things, like talking about gas fireplaces and looking at clothes dryer manuals.
    • A few minutes later, I blurted out, “I can’t believe I didn’t end up as a teen mom.” Henry looked at me all confused and asked why I would say something like that. “BECAUSE OF ALL THE SEX JAMZ I LISTENED TO BACK THEN!” God, Henry. Go collect some clues with Cheryl.

OK Blog/Only Friend. I’m out.

3 comments

3 Comments so far

  1. kendahl March 9th, 2015 10:38 am

    I freakin’ love you. You crack me up. I hope your week is alright! I’m not gonna say great because I know it won’t be; not without Barb. :(

  2. Tuna Tar-Tart March 10th, 2015 6:32 pm

    I love you too! It’s pretty surreal without barb there. :(

  3. Alyson Hell March 9th, 2015 11:54 am

    I should be working! But I’m here in my office laughing, hoping no one comes in and sees. Because how can I explain why these things make me laugh so much?

    “Maybe if it was a silent film about boring Glenn-like people doing boring Glenn-like things, like talking about gas fireplaces and looking at clothes dryer manuals, his interest would have been piqued.”

    “Even David Bowie’s “Changes” makes me feel stressed out on some level EVEN THOUGH I LOVE THAT SONG.”

    I feel you. CHANGE IS BAD.

    “and made Glenn look at posters of Pierce the Veil with me. He made some insensitive comment about how they look like hooligans and/or misfits”

    What an Older Person thing to say. No wonder he likes dryer manuals.

    The bread incident! You know, and Henry was all implying on Facebook that you weren’t telling the whole story. Yet here it is, and HE did not recount his version of the bread story. And I’m just sitting here laughing and laughing and laughing so bad at the bread, and the mention of Hot Naybor Chris again after all this time.

    We never got to hear about Henry’s Orange Juice Incident.

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