Apr 26

He’s Made it Four Years!

Category: chooch,holidays

Chooch turned four yesterday by rolling out of bed and colliding with the nightstand.

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But it was all uphill after that!

Since he has a birthday party coming up in two weeks, we decided to just give him some small things for his birthday. I bought him (notice I said I – I’m the best parent; Henry is a deadbeat!) some Batman stuff; the Friday the 13th remake; Diary of the Dead; and a fucking viking PlayMobile set, over which I’m currently suffering stabbing pangs of buyer’s remorse. Fuck you, PlayMobile! The outside of the box said it included something like 40 pieces, but it didn’t specify that 3/4 of those pieces rival the size of ANTS. It’s some goddamn BULLSHIT. I kept trying to hide it from him all day, and every time he was on the precipice of forgetting its existence, asshole Alisha would say, “Gee, Chooch.

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Where did your VIKING SET go?”

I actually had a nightmare about that viking set. Worst purchase ever. OK, maybe not quite as bad as the cream I bought eleven years that was intended to make you lose weight once applied to your wrists. (It did not make me lose weight, so I went back to the pills I bought at GNC that made me black out.)

Janna joined us later for a Vanilla Pastry Studio circle jerk. Chooch wanted cupcakes from Shop n Save, and at that moment, I actually saw a little bit of Henry in him: poor taste and frugality. The horror.

I was like, “Son, this is as much my day as it is yours, lest you forget. And I’ll be damned if we’re eating stale lumps of Betty Crocker mix out of a plastic grocery store bakery container.”

All day, Chooch kept asking, “Is it still my birthday?” and it was kind of adorable. Which is a new thing for me, because usually he’s being a holy terror.

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candlesHenry burnt himself no less than 18 times lighting these, which made me happy because he had previously spent a good five minutes haranguing me for buying “too many” candles. I’m sorry, what? There’s no such thing as too many candles. (If Henry were writing this, that would say “to many.”)


cupcakeThere were no complaints as everyone ate themselves into a cupcake coma. THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT.

alishaLook at her, thinking of ways to ruin my life. This was right before she extracted Chooch’s “bonus gift” from her purse….


A whistle! A motherfucking whistle! Who gives a four-year-old a WHISTLE? An asshole who hates the kid’s mother, that’s who!

knifeChooch REALLY likes knives. We were at IHOP last week and he asked to take his knife home with him. Chooch, giving new meaning to WWJD. (WHAT WOULD JASON DO.)

Apr 25 2010 036 copy

When Janna is around, Chooch is super good. She’s like a goddamn Chooch Whisperer. I keep trying to drop joint-custody hints around her, but I don’t think she’s quite picking up on it.

It was a good day. I think my favorite part was when he was watching his new Friday the 13th DVD, and very seriously said, “Whoa. She is really good at killing Jason.”

He was so well-behaved yesterday. I don’t think I had to lock him in his cage once!


9 Comments so far

  1. a whistle?
    and no espresso shots and puppy to go along with?

    for shame

  2. Andrea April 26th, 2010 1:56 pm

    Haha! Happy birthday Chooch!
    As a non parent, I delight in buying horrible noisy toys for children. Oh it pusses my sisters off to no end and then they threaten me with ” oh you just wait!”. One year I bought them all musical instruments( including a drum). And then there was the time I got them all marshmellow shooters…hey it didn’t make noise! Too bad they’re all grown up now. Those were some good times!
    I actually almost got Chooch the WWJD shirt but they don’t make it in kids sizes…WTF?

  3. Tuna Tar-Tart April 26th, 2010 2:00 pm

    WAIT – there’s WWJD shirts with Jason Voorhees?? I had no idea!

    I always said I wouldnt be the kind of parent who got annoyed at gifts like that, but OMG. I especially hate MESSY toys, which somehow I’m the one who always winds up buying those types of gifts for him. Like Moon Sand? NEVER AGAIN.

  4. Francesco April 27th, 2010 9:46 am

    I know what I’m going to get chooch for his birthday

    ….they still make silly putty, right?

  5. Melissa April 26th, 2010 8:27 pm

    Happy birthday Chooch! I never made the connection but my nephew and chooch have the same bd. I can’t believe he watches scarey movies! I hide under blankets.

  6. Michelle H April 27th, 2010 5:36 pm

    Happy Birthday, Chooch!

  7. Heather aka Bitterflower April 29th, 2010 12:05 am

    Happy birthday Chooch! Congrats Erin, for being a great mom to him. And to Henry for being a pretty good dad, too. ;)

    Playmobil are better than Legos, there are only so many things kids can do with little plastic blocks. My daughter has Playmobil mermaids, including an evil mermaid. Guess which one is her favorite? My son has a Playmobil veterinary clinic set, complete with mini plastic medical tools. Chooch would love it.

  8. Alyson Hell May 4th, 2010 11:05 am

    “Chooch wanted cupcakes from Shop n Save, and at that moment, I actually saw a little bit of Henry in him: poor taste and frugality. The horror.”


    “Is it still my birthday?” AWESOME.

  9. Jessi May 5th, 2010 4:42 pm

    While we often buy noisy annoying toys for the children of other friends we like you and Henry too much to subject you to torture. Feel honored.

    (If Henry were writing this, that would say “to many.”)

    This, among other reasons, is why I love you.

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