BIGBANG gifted us with 3:50 of pure beauty today and I am once again for leaving for work with freshly-watered eyeballs.

With G-Dragon joining T.O.P. in the military last month, Taeyang enlisting yesterday, Daesung enlisting today, and Seungri joining them all soon, this song is bitter-fucking-sweet. I want to thank them for bringing so much happiness to my life when I needed it most.

They all sound so sweet in this song. Forever kings.

Here’s the lyric video too for anyone interested in that! The lyrics are so beautiful.

I don’t feel like writing an intro to this post about work but I guess I just did. LIFE IS FUNNY THAT WAY.

The Fig Bars

The department boss is way too good to us and keeps a table stocked full of delicious treats. She clearly knows that at the heart of it all, we are truly little children who can be comforted by snacks. It works, it really does. Usually she provides crackers, peanuts, little snack packs of cookies such as Oreos and Nutter Butters, granola bars…but lately, there have been these freaking delicious Fig Bars up in there too. They’re like hipster Fig Newtons, when I really think about it, but so damn good. I’m always complaining about how there need to be more in each package (THERE ARE ONLY TWO?!).

One day last week, Todd walked past my desk on his way back from shopping at the snack table. “These fig things are so good,” he said, which reminded me of their existence, so I felt that I needed to also get up and get one.

Imagine my horror when I rounded the corner to Snack World and the Fig Bar bowl was EMPTY. I didn’t want peanut butter crackers or a Twizzler! I wanted a FIG BAR and TODD took the LAST ONE!

Oh, there was hell to pay when I returned to my desk. I felt like he stabbed me in the back, like he was purposely planting that seed of WANT into my head, when I wasn’t even hungry now that I think about it!

The next day, Glenn was coming inside from lunch and mumbled that there were more Fig Bars out there, so Todd and I literally raced each other down the hall. I won, but the bowl was fully stocked so I don’t really know why we were racing.

Those things are just so delightful! Way better than Fig Newtons. The outer part is all grainy and nutricious-seeming.

I made sure to thank Sue on my way back to my desk because I want her to know that she should never stop providing them. Um, I think we all get more work done too whenever we eat them.

A few days later, I cut off Jeannie when we were both reaching for a Fig Bar at the same time, because I’m ruthless.

Hearing Loss

At our Monday meeting last week, Amber was telling us that our guest speaker wasn’t there that day because she had an ear infection.

“What?” Glenn asked.

After repeating herself, Amber jokingly asked, “Do you have an ear infection too?”

“No, but I honestly can’t hear out of my one ear,” Glenn explained, at which point I started bouncing in my chair, desperate to interrupt.

“IS IT BECAUSE YOU SAT TOO CLOSE TO THE STAGE AT WOODSTOCK!?” I squealed, dying with laughter.

“Oh my god,” Todd sighed, and then Amber had to explain to our co-worker, who was just put on speakerphone in the middle of my outburst, why I was choking to death on laughter. I don’t know why I thought this was so funny but I was doing everything short of patting myself on the back over it.

Later that night, I was trying to recreate the scene for Henry and I started crying because I was laughing so hard.

“It’s not even that funny, but still…” I wheezed.

“You’re right. It’s not that funny,” Henry agreed in that disapproving tone he reserves just for me and Chooch.

Confusing Calendar

A lot of people here hate my Korea countdown calendar because the numbers aren’t displayed in normal calendar fashion. My kpop friend on Instagram was like, “Who’s even looking at the number?!” and I was like, “GIRL YOU KNOW.” That’s not why we buy these things.

Amber asked me if I got the calendar inside Teen Beat and I said, “I wish, it would have been way cheaper that way!” God. Korea goes hard with their yearly planners, you guys. This SHINee one was like $50 or something, I can’t remember now, I always black out after buying something because I hate spending money.

Nate and Sandy were trying to make sense of it the other day but couldn’t. “This calendar is chaos,” Sandy spat, while Nate was half-way to a headstand trying to figure out how much longer until I leave.

It just makes me love it that much more!

Rumors

I realized suddenly after Cheryl sneezed last week that Glenn never says “bless you” after anyone sneezes. I waited until he walked away from his desk before lasso’ing Lauren into the theory quickly developing in my murky mind.

“Lauren,” I whispered hoarsely. “Have you ever noticed that Glenn never says ‘bless you’?”

She considered this for an entire second and then shook her head no. I know she felt bad about it too because she hates saying no to me.

“Well, he doesn’t….do you think he’s a Satanist?” I blurted.

“What? No!” she nervously laughed.

“I’m going to ask him.” And then when Glenn walked past me on his way back to his desk, I casually asked, “Glenn you never say bless you after someone sneezes is it because you’re a Satanist?”

“I can’t believe you just asked him that,” Lauren said, turning around so she wouldn’t have to be involved.

“Wow, that’s really what you came up with because of that?” Glenn asked. “You’re the one with the pentagram rug in your house! Are you recruiting?”

TOUCHÉ, GLENN.

This was better than the time everyone was supposed to wear a certain color to support women and Glenn missed the memo so I tried to spread the rumor that he hated women, but not as good as the time Barb tried to start a rumor for no reason that Glenn is a lesbian.

Speaking of Cheryl sneezing though, she was also choking one day last week too and I stood up and shouted, “CHERYL ARE YOU OK” in the most fake-sincere tone I could muster. Cheryl played along and exaggeratedly thanked me for being so concerned about the status of her windpipe.

“Sickening,” Todd mumbled, while Glenn was suspiciously mute.

Finally, Glenn calmly said, “There’s so many things to say that I just froze up.”

THE LOST WALLET SAGA

I was having a pretty lowkey Friday morning when suddenly, I was nearly to work and realized that I didn’t have my work badge. So, already that’s a sucky feeling because it means you have to go to the security desk, hope they believe you when you say that you really are an employee and not just a recently-canned disgruntled employee back for revenge. But then you’re like, trapped within your department all day too, while trying to remember when you last saw it and if you should email Facilities now or later to report it lost and then be forced to pay for a new one, UGH.

But there was still hope that it was on my desk. I’ve done that many times, left my dumb badge-thing on my desk. But it wasn’t there!

So I went to the kitchen because I was on late shift the night before and I could vividly remember setting it on the table while I was washing my BIGBANG cup. BUT IT WAS NOT THERE.

Now panic was definitely setting in and here’s why: EVERYTHING IS IN THAT BADGE HOLDER. So much of my life is in there that I refer to it as my wallet but it’s not even meant to be a wallet, it’s a Pusheen ID holder and I shove all of my credit cards, my drivers license, my trolley ConnectCard….all of the shit I need everyday, in other words. And this was literally ONE DAY after I swore that I had to go back to using a real wallet after struggling to get my license out of it.

Well, good job Erin because now you’re going to have to get brand new cards to put in the wallet, I sadly thought to myself.

Todd works early on Friday so he was lucky to be there to watch my panic go from 0 to 60. And then Glenn arrived right when I was on a cleaning person-blaming tangent.

I couldn’t focus on anything. My ears were ringing and my face was flushed. Amber walked by and I blurted out that I lost my wallet.

“Oh, I’m sorry, that sucks!” she said.

“It’s OK,” I sighed, and then before she made it around the corner, I turned and shouted, “IT’S NOT OK!”

Cheryl told me to call Reception and see if anyone had turned it in. I was like “FUCK A PHONE CALL” and emailed instead, which got really fun when I reached the point of my email where I had to describe my wallet.

“It’s purple, soft, and shaped like a cat.”

It took AN HOUR for reception to email me back and say, “NO SORRY NOT YET.”

James the mailroom guy came around for the first mail delivery of the day. Before he even had a chance to say hello, I cut him off. “WHAT, DO YOU HAVE MY WALLET?”

“…..no?” he answered nervously. So then I had to fill him in and Glenn and Todd were behind me, making the same eyes at James that elderly patients probably made at Jack Kevorkian.

“Did you check your desk?” he asked, and I was like “Yes duh” even though I only checked one drawer, twice. I just knew it wasn’t in my desk, OK?

OMG why was this happening two weeks before we leave for Korea? Another thing to stress about!

Lori came over to chat about nothing in particular. I let her finish while nervously squirming in my seat, and then I shouted, “I LOST MY WALLET.”

I heard Glenn sigh behind me, but I still launched back into the same story, verbatim.

“And I thought maybe I left it on the table in the kitchen…”

Then I had a thought!

Henry drove me to work that morning. When we were walking out of the house, I noticed that Chooch left his backpack! Luckily his school is right up the street so I told Henry I’d just jump out and run it in. Except that Henry wouldn’t come to a complete stop and I practically had to drop and roll out of the car, and in doing so, I forgot that my purse was on my lap and it fell into the middle of the street! MAYBE MY WALLET FELL OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF PIONEER?!

THAT WOULD BE MY LUCK!

I started thinking about all of the times I found and returned things lost by others: someone’s debit card at an ATM, a wallet on the sidewalk which was luckily right outside the person’s house so I didn’t have to go far, Ross’s Blackberry (technically that was Henry, so me by extension), Jeannie’s work ID!! Maybe I had collected enough Karma for someone else to return my wallet to me!?

Later that morning, Henry had enough of my crazy lady texts, so he drove home on his break and TEXTED ME A PICTURE OF MY WALLET! It was at home that whole time! I had to immediately send an email to everyone in our department who suffered through my sob story and Glenn mumbled, “When’s the movie coming out?”

Then James came down later and I yelled over to him that I found it and he said he had said a prayer for it! MY WALLET IS SO LOVED. Wendy was walking by during this exchange and looked confused, and I realized that she didn’t know about my lost-not-lost wallet so now I had a reason to tell the story again! Todd and Glenn put their earbuds in.

Lauren was working late shift from home that day so she missed this whole thing. Luckily for her, she ended up having to come into the office that afternoon so I got to fill her in. She was like, “Wow. I’m sorry I missed that.”

Whatever. YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

Oh hey guys, B-line Story Time!

Early Thursday morning, right before 6am if my blurry eyes were looking at the time properly, I woke up to what sounded like an explosion, a loud bang, followed by tons of masculine shouting. I had slept on the couch that night because sometimes I like to fall asleep to Korean stuff playing on YouTube (leave me alone), so when I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was that my living room was flooded with flashing red and blue lights. I jumped off the couch and ran to the window.

There were cops and SWAT vehicles ALL UP AND DOWN MY STREET.

My heart was racing and I felt dizzy with anxiety. My first thought was HOW DID THEY FIND ME.

I mean: I DIDN’T DO IT.

I mean: NO SRSLY, WHAT DID I DO!?

But after the first few seconds of shock wore off, I realized that they weren’t coming for me after all. Even though it sounded like they had my house surrounded and were actually INSIDE my house.

Oh wait…they kind of were.

BECAUSE THEY WERE AT MY NEIGHBOR’S.

THE GUY WHO LIVES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF MY DUPLEX.

WE SHARE A FUCKING WALL.

I heard an undecipherable shouting, someone yelling about drugs.

Of course. It’s always motherfucking drugs.

Chooch had woken up too and that boy wakes at NOTHING so you know shit was apocalyptic up here on P-Ave. I went flying upstairs and joined him in my bedroom, where we sat at the foot of my bed, peeking out the blinds. I called Henry at work and he said that Hot Naybor Chris had already called him because he too heard an explosion. Now that I think about it, I think all I heard was the banging of the front door being knocked in, but Chooch said he for sure heard an explosion followed by a bright flash of light outside his window and that the explosion sounded like it came from upstairs. So we think the cops might have used a flash bomb upstairs before entering the neighbor’s bedroom.

You guys. My mind was spinning. With Boots, that fucking piece of white trash who lived there last year, something like this would be expected. In fact something similar did happen to him but I was at work for that one. And that was because he robbed and assaulted a man. (Janna looked him up last night out of curiosity and I’m happy to report that that d-bag is currently in jail.)

But this current guy…he seemed so NORMAL. I know, I know, that’s how it always works. The neighbor of BTK goes on record saying, “But Dennis was so normal!” Ted Bundy’s grandma talking about how he helped her carry her groceries like a NORMAL guy. We’ve all heard that before. But when this guy moved in last spring, after the landlord literally had to gut and rebuild the interior of that unit after Boots destroyed it with his drug-induced stupors, Chooch and I went out to introduce ourselves and it became a thing that we could exclude Henry from, you know? Like, we knew the neighbor better than Henry because we met him first. It was kind of like a Parker’s sitch. I don’t want to say his name, so we’ll make one up: Ned.

I was so happy to have Ned next door after the horrors of Boots! There was a woman who lived there too, she was occasionally annoying (she talked SUPER LOUD and fought with Ned a lot) but overall, they were pretty normal people, didn’t come and go at all hours of the night, DIDN’T SLAM THE DOOR THANK THE FUCKING LORD. Just pretty regular neighbors. In fact, the only thing they gave us to obsess about was trying to figure out their relationship. We never saw them leave together in the same car, or even at the same time, and they seemed to just not like each other. I think we settled on the belief that they were siblings or cousins, maybe. She told me her name once when we were both leaving for work at the same time, but a truck drove past just as she said it so I just pretended like I heard because I didn’t feel like extending the conversation by asking her to repeat it.

One time we talked about the weather and she was like, “GIRL I WILL TAKE THIS RAIN OVER THAT COLD SHIT WE’VE BEEN HAVING” and I was like, “Ok.”

She was fairly unassuming too. Always dressed in workout clothes. Not like slummy, grimy sweatshirts or whatever, but really nice workout clothes. And she was in great shape too. So in my head, she was an aerobics instructor.

COINCIDENTALLY, she was not there while all of this was going on Thursday morning. DID SHE KNOW? WAS SHE THE MOLE? WERE THEY AFTER HER TOO?

I kept thinking it had to be her. I wanted it to be her because I really liked Ned and didn’t want to believe that he did something bad.

But after an hour of listening to the drug task team tear the house apart, an hour of crashing and banging and shattering and clattering, police radios squawking, the police dog barking, the SWAT team eventually pulled out. So I was like, “MAYBE IT WAS A MISTAKE! MAYBE THEY DIDN’T FIND ANYTHING!”

But then….I looked out the window again and saw him.

Ned.

Standing on the sidewalk, surrounded by police clad in hoodies and vests.

Hand-cuffed.

“They have Ned cuffed!” I hoarsely whispered to Chooch, and then we started to cry a little.

Like, it actually hurt to see him out there with his head hanging.

This is the third neighbor in a row over there who has been arrested in dramatic fashion (the lady who lived there before Boots was arrested by the US Marshall; we think she part of some car theft ring), but for some reason, this is the one that hurts, man. I felt some type of affinity toward Ned. I wanted him to kick out that broad and be able to have a quiet existence without her yelling at him. I was so Team Ned.

“You didn’t even know him!” Henry yelled at me that night when I started crying about it with my hands over my heart and saying, “I FEEL SO BAD FOR NED. I HOPE HE DIDN’T DO IT. MAYBE HE WAS FRAMED!!!!!”

And, in the middle of the K-drama we were watching, “DO YOU THINK NED IS OK!?”

I keep having these sad montages of my interactions with Ned whirring through my mind. Like when we were both coming home at the same time and he was telling me that he was going to South Carolina because his daughter was graduating early from college, and he was worried about the impending snow storm. And I was like, “Be careful out there!”

Or the time we were both checking our mail boxes at the same time on Halloween and he was like, “I guess I better run out and get candy, the kids’ll be coming” and I laughed, “And mine will be one of them!”

“Remember when we were walking to CVS the other night and Ned was driving down the street and we waved at each other?” I sadly asked Henry yesterday and he was like, “Please stop.”

No one has been over there since this happened Thursday morning, except for the landlord (HNC called him immediately, he’s such a Town Gossip!), and the landlord said that the cops completely trashed the place. Once again, he’s got an empty unit that needs a ton of work before he can rent it again.

HELLO DUM-DUM MAYBE DO BETTER BACKGROUND CHECKS?!

Anyway, I snuck over there last night to check for mail in the mail box because I don’t know Ned’s last name and we wanted to see if we could figure out what was going on. His name wasn’t on anything, but hers was. We looked her up and if this is the same woman, which I think probably is because her name is pretty unique, SHE RECENTLY GOT OUT OF JAIL, DRUG-RELATED OF COURSE. Ugh. But this made me have hope, that maybe it was her they were after, maybe Ned was framed, maybe he took the fall for her.

But then Henry got some intel from his cop contact who said that a normal drug sweep usually only entails a handful of cops, not SWAT. Guys I’m telling you, our street was lit up like a popo Christmas tree. There had to have been at least 20 cops out there. His source also said that coke was found, and gave him the name of the man arrested.

AND IT WAS NOT NED’S NAME.

There’s a man who is often over there, we thought he was even living there for awhile, so first I thought that maybe he was there when this happened, and he got arrested too.

But I only saw Ned in cuffs. And that other guy’s car wasn’t here.

So then I sadly let myself think the inevitable: DID NED GIVE US A FAKE NAME.

We looked up the name the source gave us and if it’s Ned, then we have essentially been living next door to a leader of a fucking heroin ring. There was a well-known incident here in Pittsburgh from the early 2000s that this guy was involved in, where a popular and infamous nightclub was used as a front. The DEA was involved and this guy, if it’s actually Ned or not I don’t know, served about 10 years in prison but then was let out when some law was passed to reduce sentences for non-violent drug crimes. The dates match up. The age of the guy named in the articles we read match the age of the guy arrested next to us.

OMFG WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING NEXT DOOR TO US. Literally every other house on our block is just…regular. Older people. Families. Just a regular city street! The common denominator is….(no, not me, which is what Glenn suggested)…THE LANDLORD. Maybe he’s the top dog!?

We’re trying to get more information. Today, one of Ned’s friends, this guy with a ginger beard who just looks like he’s probably a jerk, stopped over just as we were getting ready to pull out of the parking lot, so we sat in the car and watched him go in the house for less than 30 seconds AND THEN LEAVE. WHAT WAS HE DOING I’M SO SCARED.

I don’t really understand why I’m having such Emotion over this whole ordeal but it really fucking sucked to see that guy getting arrested. I felt so disappointed, yet worried. OK, so maybe we only ever had like three encounters with each other, but I was so happy to have a neighbor who wasn’t, I don’t know, potentially raping strung-out ladies next door; covering holes in his windows with cereal boxes; stomping up and down the steps at all hours of the night in his cement-block boots; and stealing from the veritable grab-bag of squatters he was letting live there.

Ned seemed like a decent guy. I feel so fucking duped.

So hoodwinked.

So fooled.

I  think I actually have some slight PTSD from this. It was so scary, like they were in our house. It was a really scary way to wake up, let me tell you.

“So, those people were like major drug lords but they only paid me $3 to shovel their sidewalk? Wow,” Chooch muttered, suddenly not sorry for Ned anymore.

If you’re keeping score, this makes 3 out 3 recent neighbors who have moved out because now they live in a prison.  That side of the house is cursed.

Here’s some free advice for the landlord: do better background checks maybe? Like, is this even happening at all? And perhaps find a nice elderly couple to rent to. Half-deaf so my constant Kpop won’t cause complaints, she knits, he does crossword puzzles.

Usually, Henry goes to “the store” alone. I put “the store” in “quotes” because the inside joke is that he’s really “having an affair.” But the reality is that “going to the store” is literally Henry’s get-away. I imagine he just roams around the aisles in a daze, all zoned out to the adult contemporary tunes wafting from the rafters, a lone tear softly rolling down his weathered cheek.

I’m fine with this because I typically hate shopping of any kind, especially the grocery kind. But there was nothing else to do last weekend (Chooch was sick AGAIN! This sick-season has been terrible), so I gladly tagged along for the food-shopping adventures.

First! Saturday morning, we walked to Pitaland for, well, pita. Chooch wanted pita and hummus and when you live within walking distance from a legit Mediterranean market, you don’t very well go to Shop n Save for a tub of greasy Sabra.

You feel me?

I used to be terrified of Pitaland for years when I first moved to Brookline. I’m sure it made sense to me at the time because I’m such a rational flower blossom, but now I’m just like, ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE I WASTED ALL THAT TIME AVOIDING PITALAND.” Honestly, I would shield my face anytime I walked past it! Whaaaat was I thinking.

Now I like to go with Henry and sample the olive bar (it’s encouraged) and check to see if they have any weird fruit. (Sometimes that have persimmon but nothing much more crazy than that.) Henry has become friendly with one of the guys who works there, who is also a professor, so he thinks he’s really cool because the guy will always come out and shake Henry’s hand, and then Henry will quickly look around to make sure people were watching that. It’s so lame.

So yeah, we went to Pitaland and got pitabread, hummus, and two different kinds of olives because why the hell not. We’re adults!

Later that night, Henry had to go to “the real store.” I went with him because sometimes it’s fun to follow him around like a lemming and ask him questions about cleaning products and coupons. We went to Kuhn’s, which is a grocery store pretty close to us and the one Henry frequents the most if he just needs basic things, because it’s a pretty no-frill establishment. It’s actually surprising that they even sell Halo Top there, to be honest.

I had to laugh because now all of Henry’s cashier and bagger friends there know that he’s not a single dad. Henry, exposed!

I loudly scoffed at the produce section and asked, “ARE WE GOING TO THE ASIAN MARKET TOMORROW? I can’t eat this crap.”

P.S. the Asian market is the only one I enjoy going to.

I was really excited when we entered the bakery area but then some jackass walked past me and attempted to assassinate me with his disgusting drug store cologne. Thanks, guy. No bakery smells for me!

There’s an Indian market in the same shopping center as Kuhn’s, so I dragged Henry into it after he put the groceries in the car. I’m always on the look-out for new exotic candies to thrust upon my co-workers, but they had all of the same stuff I got at the last Indian market which is still sitting untouched in the Pumpkin of Confectionary Horrors. (It’s not that the pan pasand candy is BAD per se…it just tastes like you’re sucking on someone’s grandma’s recently-perfumed neck, that’s all.)

So instead, we bought some cookies that were just OK.

Sunday was more marketing! We went to two Asian markets in the Strip: Sam Bok because they have a wonderful fridge full of homemade banchan and I had been straight craving kkaennip. There were two women in the next aisle over talking and I understood like three words of their conversation…baby steps, lol.

Then we had to fight our way through the Sunday Daydrinkers to our favorite Asian market: WFH Oriental. In my head, I call it Work From Home because that’s the acronym we use on roll call at work when we’re working from home.

Riveting.

We got more jujubes! Honestly, if you have an Asian market in your town, go check out the produce! And don’t be afraid to ask someone if you don’t know what you’re looking at. We’ve added so many delicious staples to our meals that way, like baby taro. We eat so much baby taro, like savages, motherfucker.

Speaking of taro, I wanted bubble tea so we want to Pink Box in Squirrel Hill (not a market per se, but I’m including it) because they have delightful Asian baked goods so we stuffed our faces with milk bread and whatever.

Mmm, red bean.

All those different markets we went to, yet Henry had toast and Hot Fries for breakfast on Sunday. I mean, friendly reminder that when you’re a grown-up, you can eat whatever you want for breakfast. Jeffrey Dahmer even ate people — dare to dream!

Well, that concludes my totally boring story about how I tagged along when Henry performed his housewife duties at the market.

One of my favorite pastimes is following the cats around the house and taking pictures of them. More so Drew than Penelope because (no offense, Penelope) Drew actually does stuff while Penelope is mostly being a loaf somewhere out of sight.

Sigh.

*(When I was in elementary school, I used to watch this block of TV on PBS called Britcom Blitz and one of the shows was Man About the House, featuring Yootha Joyce, and that kick-started this weird Yootha Joyce obsession that I carried into middle school and even used her name as a pen name for a poetry project in 7th grade Communications class and literally no one knew who Yootha Joyce was because why would they.)

**(Anyway, that’s where the title of this blog post comes from.)

In this edition (I honestly typed out “addition” at first. I am not getting enough sleep, sigh #2), Drew gives a Pioneer Ave. Gallery tour.

Here, we find Drew perched in front of a gallery wall of her favorite person in the whole world, Chooch. Literally, this whole chunk of the house is one huge shrine to that kid. I guess we love him, who knew.

Here, we find Drew somewhere she shouldn’t be—the fucking mantel, which features an original piece of Chooch pottery, a Somnambulant painting of my Pappap, and some Mexican folkart that I bought at a vintage shop in Cleveland.

Also: a dead plant, SHINee and Jonghyun albums (also art), and a rock from outside of my first apartment.

Here, we find Drew busted as she’s about to dive off the mantel and onto a chair. Her ass is rudely obstructing a Somnambulant painting of G-Dragon (<3), an old camera from my Pappap’s house, and an old hand mirror that I found in the bathroom closet when I moved into this house in 1999. YES, I CONSIDER THIS TO BE A PIECE OF MY PERSONAL ART COLLECTION OK. It’s a motherfucking relic.

Here, we find Drew losing herself in the lyrics to The Cure’s “Same Deep Water As You,” also featuring this gorgeous drawing of Robert Smith that I bought on eBay in 1999 and have cherished ever since.

Here, we find Drew chilling on top of a curio cabinet, next to the RIP CAT MEMORIAL WALL. Also, dangling ice cream cones = art.

Good night from this crazy 고양이!

Stay turned for my next blog post which is about, OMG get ready, going grocery shopping with Henry over the weekend. God, can you even stand the suspense.

Whenever I wanna feel like 1996 Erin, sitting on my purple bedspread in my purple-carpeted room with my purple-foiled wallpaper and light sculptures, applying my too-dark lipstick while barely being able to see past my too-long bangs, checkin’ my pager that I had for no other reason than I was a rich suburban kid, I put on some Dean because something about his music and his voice particularly takes me all the way the fuck back to those days when I was 16 and nothing else mattered but listening to WAMO and writing in my journal and I didn’t have bills or real life drama other than the niggling fear that I might have worn the same Karl Kani hoodie twice that month OH LAWD NO.

All of this is to say I’m stressed the fuck out but I’ve been falling asleep to a Dean/K-Grooves playlist lately and it’s got me waking up feeling alright. Deep breaths, everyone. Exhale. Eat a fucking candy bar. Treat yourself. We got this.

There was this short-lived sitcom on about ten years ago called Kath & Kim with Molly Shannon and Selma Blair; I think it was actually an American remake of an Australian show. Do you remember it PROBABLY NOT. Anyway, Selma Blair’s character would always say “rooned” instead of “ruined” and I still say that but because that show was such a flop, no one but Henry ever gets it.

I’m telling you this now so you’ll understand what I mean when I say that Henry ROONED my lunchtime walk last Monday by making me go with him to pick up our car from the shop and you better believe I acted like it was the end of the world. UGH, A WRENCH IN MY ROUTINE.

Never fear, I went on a walk the other four days of the work week and while nothing amazingly wild happened, I at least snapped some shots of Shittsburgh I mean Picsburgh no wait it’s Pittsburgh.

(Jk guys, I like my city a little bit.)

Most days, I’m on auto-pilot and head straight for the Strip District. This will change soon when the weather gets warmer because people always flock to this area, even on week days. Henry and I were just there on Sunday because there are several Asian markets in that area, and even though it was still chilly out, there were droves of slow-moving Sunday shoppers milling about, probably straight from some dumb brunch, gawking at Steelers shirts, street produce and whateverthefuck. I got really angry at one point and started mouthing off like I actually live there and haven’t just co-opted the area because of my lunch break walks. Henry was like, “Calm down” and I was like, “YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF, TOO, PITTSBURGH TOURIST!”

Anyway, speaking of street produce. I like to walk through this market thing to get a daily dose of classic rock. One day, I think I mentioned this in a recent Lunch Break Tales, “Sara Smile” was playing and I pretended to be thoroughly invested in feeling up a basket of kiwi just so I could hear the whole song.

I didn’t feel like crossing the street to get a better picture of this mural, so I didn’t. MY BLOG MY RULES.

I always walk past Sunseri and think nothing of it and my caption was going to be “A store” but now that I’m looking at this, I wonder if THEY HAVE EXOTIC CANDY. I should check.

There actually is a candy store in the Strip but it’s just like novelty bullshit to appeal to Andy Griffith set. It’s OK, but not International Pumpkin of Candy worthy.

I just thought this looked cool, OK?

One day last week, I was waiting to cross the street with an older vagabond-type of broad who gave me a quick glimpse into my future: she was hollering at every car that flew past us, finding some awful offense with each one. “YEAH YOU RAN THAT RED LIGHT, ASSHOLE, I SAW!” And then when the light turned green and we stepped off the curb, she angrily wagged her finger at the bus turning our direction and barked, “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, HAMILTON” — because it was the Hamilton bus, GET IT?

(I have no idea what part of town Hamilton is but that’s where the bus was going I guess.)

(I don’t ride buses.)

There was one day last week where the sky was so goddamn blue and perfect that, even though it was still chilly, I felt infinitely happy to be alive. THE MAGIC OF THAT VITAMIN D, YO. I decided to walk a different direction for a change, so I made a right outside of my building, walked past a church, and then just kept going up and up and up toward Consol, or PPG Paints Arena, whatever we’re calling it now.

I walked past this church and then made a left and kept going until it started to look sketchy, and then I made a RIGHT….

…where I stopped to take a picture of this mural and then I kept going up a hill until eventually I was engulfed by the Duquesne University to the point where I feared I wouldn’t find a way out, and then I realized my FUCKING FITBIT WAS DEAD, fml.

Oh yeah, I just realized this must have been Friday because it was really windy and I was afraid that a stop sign would get uprooted and bisect my head.

These are some of the things about while meandering about on my lunch breaks: things that could fall from the sky and kill me (anvils, dead pigeon, uprooted stop sign), new serial killer card ideas, my ideal Korean boyfriend type, some random Days of Our Lives character. My mind is so fucking rife with thoughts.

Well guys (or “guts” as I originally typed), that’s all for this latest edition of Lunch Break Tales but the next one might be another coffee roundup, depending on how energetic I feel this week since it seems like everyone around me is ill and it’s only a matter of time until it’s my goddamn turn.

I’m not gonna say “people keep asking me” because that implies that I actually talk to people, but the question of why I don’t really go to shows anymore has come up in conversation twice over the last several weeks, and I guess I just didn’t realize how much of my blog was dedicated to show recaps for awhile there! Thinking back, the last show I went to was in October which seems like forever ago. I still check my favorite venues regularly but there just really isn’t anything I want to see (except for those Balance & Composure farewell shows in Philly but Henry was like DO YOU WANT TO HAVE MONEY WHEN WE’RE IN KOREA OR DO YOU WANT TO KEEP TRYING TO DO ALL THESE DUMB ROAD TRIPS? and I was like, “Touché, motherfucker.”).

So here’s a – hopefully – quick explanation on why my show attendance has really waned over the last 6 months.

• The aforementioned “money” thing. I have been dead-set on saving money for Korea. Contrary to some people’s belief, Henry and I are not made of money. I might work at a law firm but I am definitely not bringing home a lawyers salary! And even though the shows I was going to were pretty cheap, not big venue concerts, that still adds up. Plus: merch. I had to slow my roll on the vinyl-buying front or else I’d never be leaving Pittsburgh.
• I was tired of spending so much time alone. It was still worth it to go alone if it was one of my favorite bands but oftentimes I was going to shows even if I only had a moderate interest in it, and the anxiety I had to work through to get there was wearing me down. It was a catch-22 because then of course the music would energize me. But still, it was getting to be too much on my nerves!
• My exercise addiction made me start saying no to more and more shows because I didn’t want to be standing around all night. I guess there are worse things to be addicted to?
• I’m just not connecting with that type of music anymore. I still like it! But I’m not connecting on an emotional level like I was before where it felt like it was repairing me. I have changed a lot over the last year. So, ITS NOT YOU ITS ME! I still love that scene but…more so as something that used to be a big part of me. I will always love it for the memories. I think it’s good to change things up, and looking back, I have loved so many different types of music and I really like that about myself. Staying stagnant is boring! Ya gotta open your heart and mind to new things every now and then.
• Liking music from another country means I can’t just pop on over to Mr. Small’s or Smiling Moose to catch some Korean indie act. I have to save my monies and pray that the groups I like will do a world tour and then fight to get tickets before it sells out. And then also plan to travel to Chicago or Toronto because Pittsburgh is like unknown to Korean music agencies. So yeah, my calendar isn’t exactly full of upcoming kpop shows!

But the biggest reason, if we’re being truthful, is that I just can’t keep supporting a scene that turns a blind eye to misogyny and abuse. More and more bands that I once loved are being exposed for ignoring accusations against a grimy, slimy bandmate, whether it’s someone who baits and takes advantage of underage girls or someone who is known for domestic violence and rape.

Even Mike Fuentes from Pierce the Veil was exposed for gross past behavior and was asked to step away from his position as drummer.

I love Pierce the Veil and this was a hard one, man. But still – good riddance Mike Fuentes and much respect to the girls who were brave enough to step forward.

But then there’s Jonny Craig who has not one but three exes who have spent years presenting evidence of his abuse – one of his exes alleges that he held her down on a bed and tried to shoot her up. What a motherfucker – if I ever see this pig again I will happily spit in his face for all the pain and suffering he’s caused multiple bright and beautiful women. Jonny Craig, constantly dodging that bullet, continuously finding miracles to keep him in the industry.

(Actually, his exes banded together and started a petition to have him removed from Sony. Please go sign it!)

I cannot keep supporting a music industry that lets monsters like him walk away without consequences. The fan bases are largely comprised of ignorant, uneducated bros and girls who try SO HARD to be “one of the guys” that they’re single-handedly perpetuating the “victim blaming” culture.

So, it was becoming exhausting to keep track of the bands I could no longer support and I was also tired of being let down and disappointed by these guys that I once had some level of respect for. I’m not a huge social justice warrior or whatever they’re calling us liberals these days, but I also have a conscience and morals and just as easy to stop supporting these trash bags, you know?

It seems poetic that this year will be the last Warped Tour. Yeah sure, I’m sad but also relieved because that place is a breeding ground of bro-type behavior, savage misogyny, and date rape waiting to happen in the parking lot or on a tour bus.

The line-up was just announced the other day and I admit, it is completely underwhelming. Even Chooch was like, “Eh.” It’s really disappointing that once again, Falling In Reverse has been invited back in spite of Ronnie Radke’s numerous (numerous!!!) domestic offenses. I been, he’s even served time for some of those offenses, but that’s cool Kevin Lyman — roll out that red carpet for him.

So, Warped Tour taking a bow is most definitely for the best because I for one have felt like a fucking hypocrite for still attending these last several years. Part of me wants to just not go, but I worry that I will regret it. I’ve attended every Warped Tour unfailingly since 2007. I feel like I need to see this through for nostalgia’s sake. Oh, conflict!

The Bledfest lineup was also released and I admit that I salivated a bit. If it didn’t require us to travel for it, I would gladly go to that one again.

That being said, I’m not just like NEVER GOING TO CONCERTS ever again. Citizen and Basement are going on tour later this spring and I am 100% going to that. But, this just isn’t something that I can fit into my current lifestyle as regularly as I did before, and that’s OK. I have new things taking up my time now. It’s a new season of Oh Honestly, Erin, I guess!

Fransssss, it was another low-key, chill weekend and I’m not mad about it. Shit’s gonna be nuts here in a few weeks so I might as well get all the relaxing in now! So here are some pictures and the bare minimum amount of words to describe the final weekend of the emotional roller coaster known as February. I’m so glad to say farewell to it. I’m also throwing in some other crap in this post to consolidate my memories.

• Chooch and I went for a walk after I was done working my late shift on Friday, so I guess that’s the first thing that happened last weekend? I took this picture of Jo’s Salon on the walk. I LIVE DANGEROUSLY. Remember when I used to invite strangers into my house right off the street? Pales in comparison to my current reckless ways of life.
• Saturday was good! I went to Patty’s and we watched “Don’t Look in the Basement” (I nervously found myself relating to every character) and “Hobo With a Shotgun” which was scary because I could completely see this being our country’s future thanks to Trump and the unsavories that have been crawling out of the gutter since his inauguration. It made me really uncomfortable to watch (so clearly it succeeded in its mission!) and then there was a scene where Disco Inferno was playing so that was in my head all week. THANKS PATTY! Oh, Patty also served me Kool-Aid and it was the first time in fucking years that I’ve had Kool-Aid so that was awesome! Now I want to have a horror-movie watching dates with Patty more often. It’s hard to find people to watch horror movies with anymore!
• • LOL, but then later that night, I conned Henry into watching The Wailing with me so it was a good horror movie day. Horror movies are literally the only movies I ever give a shit about watching and I’m so sad that The Hollywood Theater down the street has a new owner because they were so good about showing really great indie horror movies and I could walk there at my convenience and not deal with douchebags on dates.
  • I dunno why I said that. There are douchebags all over, on dates or alone. THIS COUNTRY IS FULL OF THEM.
  • I AM SUPER BITTER.

• Fucking around with my dumb hair before work one day. This is the size frames I’ve been searching for!  Brett Somers-style goal for life.
• Chooch and I struggled to get through the last 3 episodes of The Walking Dead in order to be caught up for the mid-season premiere on Sunday and then I realized we couldn’t watch it then anyway because the Olympics closing ceremonies were on and of course I had to grudgingly watch the American broadcast dork it all up. Annnnd they did! Come on guys, two weeks wasn’t enough time to teach yourselves how to pronounce PyeongChang? I read Korean news sites and one of them had an article about that very topic during the first week of the Olympics. Like, it’s your fucking job as a journalist/reporter/commentator to KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE SHIT. CL was great, but I actually thought that EXO’s performance was a little bit lacking, only because I have seen them do sooo much more. But my favorite part was seeing someone I know in real life tweeting shit like, “I have no idea what they’re saying” – wow,  so superior. English is #1, right? Speak English or GTFO, right? Ah, Trump’s America. I mean, they were singing in Korean because they’re a Korean pop group and they were performing at the Olympics which were being held….IN KOREA. I just felt so disgusted that I actually know someone in real life who is that ignorant. Girl, bye.
• But back to The Walking Dead – I’m so glad we got all caught up and pulled back in just for them to RIP OUR FUCKING HEARTS OUT. Ugh…no spoilers, don’t worry, but speaking of spoilers I have no idea how either of us managed to make it this far without hearing or reading a single thing about how the midseason finale ended.

• Drew’s expression constantly. It’s always like she’s experiencing something for the first time and OMG WHAT IS BEHIND THIS DOOR THAT I WALKED THROUGH A BILLION TIMES BEFORE?!
• The other day at work, Lauren got up from her desk and immediately tripped over a plastic bag and I started laughing really hard because people tripping is hilarious and she was like, “I WAS COMING OVER TO SEE YOU, TOO!” and that just made it even better because I was indirectly responsible for the bag-tripping.
• Last night, I dreamt that I was hanging out with my friend Casandra at a pool and I was startled at first because she didn’t have arms or boobs but then I thought to myself, “Wait Erin, you know that she got a double arm amputation and mastectomy for political reasons, duh” and also her friend was with us but she only had ONE arm amputated because I guess she wasn’t as much of a political protester as Casandra. But yeah, then it wasn’t weird anymore.
• • Speaking of dreaming about friends with interestingly-modified appearances, I also dreamt last week that Lauren (the bag-tripper) came into work wearing these HUGE Louis Vuitton-print eyebrow stickers. I mean they were so fucking big and took up most of her forehead but no one thought it looked weird except for me, I guess. I bet they cost like $300 too.
• Here’s a series called Take Your Cat to School Day (WOW THIS BLOG POST IS A FUCKING SMORGASBORD OF TOPICS):

• I was watching some vlog about how blood donation centers in Seoul give people medals after a certain number of donations and first I was like, “Nope not even for a medal” because I can’t even barely THINK about donating blood without feeling woozy (like literally my wrists feel 진짜 sensitive right now, ugh) but then there are people like Amber who I swear are donating every time I turn around. So I started thinking about Amer walking around Seoul with a bunch of medals dripping of her neck, Olympian Mr. T-style. I told her about that today and Glenn mumbled, “Isn’t it fascinating how her mind works.” Oh whatever, Glenn will miss these random observations when I get my desk moved later this month!
• Speaking of Glenn, I ran into some religious zealot handing out Jesus pamphlets near my building, so I giddily flashed it at everyone when I came back inside and sing-songed, “I’ve been saved again, you guys!” This made me remember that the last time I was saved, I filled out the back page with Glenn’s address and mailed it back  to the fly-by-night “church” after looking up his address on our department emergency contact page, despite Todd and Amber muttering stuff about how they didn’t think I should be doing that. Anyway, I forgot allll about it so I asked him the other day, very innocently, if he ever received anything “weird”  in the mail and he was like, “What, why…” and as I started to tell him, he stopped and said, “Yeah, actually, you know, what? I DID get something weird in the mail, more than once, and it was HAND-WRITTEN.” Haha yesssss.

Well, I can’t sit still for any longer so this is all you get. Well, this and J-Hope’s new MV. He’s my BTS bias and his new mixtape makes me love him even more!

I’ve been trying to be more diligent and less negligent of my poor Etsy card shop, noncomposcards. (Probably the same thing could be applied to my kid, whoops, where is he.) Usually what happens is I made a new card or two right before Christmas and Valentines Day, and then I get lazy and forget about it. But I want to be a better shop-owner! So I’m trying to add some fresh new products to the line-up, things that can be used all-year round and aren’t holiday specific.

Things that Grandma might send to Aunt Edna.

So I made these lovely serial killer note cards, similar to the BTS ones I made for my Kpop card shop, but you know, way more sinister and disturbing.

This set includes 8 different killers with a horrific quote of theirs. I’m working on a second set right now which is more retro-themed, so if you’re like the kid who commented on my Instagram post and asked, “Where’s Dahmer” when my caption clearly said, “If there’s someone you don’t see, check back because they’ll probably show up in another set,” you can rest-assured motherfuckin’ buttocks-chewing Dahmer will be there.

But for this inaugural set, we got some good ones! You can’t read the quotes that well in these shoddy iPhone pictures (I’m such a profesh) so I will kindly type them out for below each picture.

Mmm-mmm, that juxtaposition of murderous mug and flirty floral. <3

Ted Bundy – What’s one less person on the face of the earth, anyway?

Ed Gein – I had a compulsion to do it.

Aileen Wuornos – Thanks a lot, society, for railroading my ass.

(This is my personal favorite, btw, so if you buy this set, considering writing me a love note on this card?)

Ed Kemper – I just wanted to see how it felt to shoot grandma.

Richard Ramirez – Even psychopaths have emotions. Then again maybe not.

Albert Fish – I like children. They are tasty.

(My kid walked by when I was making the Fish one and he said, disappointedly, “Wow. Nice, mom.” #success)

John Wayne Gacy – The dead won’t bother you. It’s the living you have to worry about.

SAGE SHIT RIGHT THERE.

David Berkowitz – Hello from the gutters of New York City, which are filled with dog manure, vomit, stale wine, and blood.

(OK this is a stretch but I love this quote so much that I had to squeeze it the fuck on there.)

These cards are smaller than the main ones in my shop which means nothing to you if you’ve never previously purchased a non compos card, so let’s just get technical and say that it’s the A2 size.

8 cards in a set, which means….wait for it…8 ENVELOPES. You are so lucky I understand math!

Go get yourself some! You never know when you’ll need to send a card full of nudes to your prison pen pal or a “WE MOVED” address update to your mother-in-law.

G-Dragon last weekend in Jeju.

I know this is WAY OUTTA CHARACTER for me, but allow me to be melodramatic for a minute and openly wallow in my shallow tears because today was the day of G-Dragon’s mandatory military enlistment. *sob* *sob* *sob*

(This just reminded me of high school when I desperately wanted a Saab convertible because OJ Simpson’s daughter Arnelle had one and my dad was soooo disgusted about that, lol.)

I feel like I did a good job not being super over-the-top about this at work and I put the topic to rest after making Glenn and Lauren look at a picture of G-Dragon with his family.  Glenn actually kept all disparaging comments to himself!

https://metro.co.uk/video/video-bigbangs-g-dragon-enlists-military-1636848/?ito=vjs-link

At least there are 1,000s of videos on YouTube for us VIPs to cuddle up to during these 20+ months we’re without him. Being a kpop fan is really sad sometimes, you guys!

I never thought I would love another artist as much as I love The Cure’s Robert Smith, but somehow this beautiful Korean genius snuck into my heart when I wasn’t expecting it and I’m not mad about it. Maybe G-Dragon seems like just another rapper to you, but to me, he exudes charisma and beauty and sometimes it’s hard for me to even look at him without swooning. I feel super privileged and lucky to have gotten the opportunity to see him last summer, and I wish I could capture the emotions I felt during that concert into a tangible form, and then carefully encapsulate that into a snowglobe so anytime I need a reminder of the happiness I’m capable of feeling, I could just gently rock that snowglobe upside down and watch my feelings float around in a fluid Babylon.

*(I asked Chooch what he wanted to call this set and he said, “Furry. No. Wizard Fox. No! You’re a Wizard, Harry, but spelled h-a-i-r-y, get it?” Ugh.)

Hey guys, it’s been a while since I shoved pictures of my kid in your face. But my mom got him a Spirit Hood for Christmas and I promised her pictures, so blame her and the fact that I finally upgrade my old Canon Rebel after 10 years of abuse and mostly loyal service so I need to get used to this new one over the next month else I lose my temper in Korea and punt the bastard into the East Sea.

(The camera, not Henry.)

So far, it hasn’t angered me!

His shirt says “It’s all about the journey” and when we were walking to CVS later, some broad commented that she liked it and he gloated so hard because people usually are usually saying they like my purse or phone case or rings or tattoos OR ALL OF THE ABOVE because if it that were my shirt, it would have said, “It’s all about the accessories.”

The lady down the street who we don’t know but almost drove him to summer camp one day two summers ago (IT’S A LONG STORY) told him he has nice kicks and it was everything I had in me not to scream, “YEAH WELL I PICKED THEM OUT.”

(Chooch will be in his 50s and still bringing up that time I almost let him get into a stranger’s car. SHE TOLD US HER NAME AND SHE HAS A CUTE DOG, I’M SURE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE, CHOOCH.)

We were out there for a full 7 minutes and didn’t fight! Well, except for the fight we had right away when I yelled at him for having food on his face as usual.

Thank you for eye-balling these photographs.

Carry on now.

Last week was long, weird, and sad. It was also the anniversary of my Pappap’s death and I just didn’t want to deal with anything. But, life goes on and it’s time to close the book on that chapter! So here’s some notable things of the last several days, kind of notable, sort of notable, who cares — here’re some words.

• Henry and Chooch went to the store Tuesday night and when they came back, I noticed that they were stopped on the sidewalk by Hot Naybor Chris. I was watching from the window, because I’m That Neighbor, almost peeing my pants with anticipation. WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT?! I accosted Henry before he was even all the way over the threshold (YOU KNOW, THOSE THINGS THAT BRIDES ARE CARRIED OVER, NOT LIKE I WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT). In a very casual way, Henry shrugged and said, “I don’t know, he was asking me if I’ve seen his garbage.” RECORD SCRATCH. HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE. I had to press Henry for more information and apparently, Chris said when he left the house that morning, the garbagemen hadn’t picked up yet, so everyone’s garbage was still sitting on their lawns….EXCEPT FOR HNC’S!!! He was asking Henry if he saw it because Henry leaves for work at like 3:30AM, but Henry doesn’t normally make a point to see if everyone’s garbage is accounted for. I know, weird. This whole situation made me super excited. WHO STOLE HNC’S GARBAGE AND WHY!? According to HNC, his garbage was nothing special, just actual garbage. Mystery on Pioneer!
• I finally made business cards for my new Kpop card shop and I love them! I gave some to some of my co-workers (not Glenn because he would just ridicule it) and I was happy that people were interested! Amber even asked me to tell her who all the people are on it and then she wrote their names above them. And then I gave one each to Nate and Ethan and we had a spirited conversation about Kpop and they’re considering dressing as Kpop idols for Halloween this year. (But, you know, probably not.)

• I was off work on Wednesday, for no good reason but I’m trying to actually use my days before the “end of the year PTO crunch” where I’m rushed to take off random days so I don’t lose them. I usually don’t like taking a day off if I don’t have something to do, but I’m trying to get used to it. I expected to have a quiet day of kdramas, exercise, perhaps some card-designing, but then later that morning, the sirens started. I was unfazed at first because: Brookline. But then it kept going on for a solid 10 minutes and no matter which window I poked my head out of, Wack-A-Mole style, I couldn’t tell which direction the commotion was coming from.  There were so many firetrucks, etc, that it was surround sound. I called Henry at work because he’s the Prince of Police Scanners, but he was all, “I’M BUSY, ERIN. I’M AT WORK.” The cacophony eventually began to fizzle out, so  finished getting dressed and then set off on my walk to to Dormont post office because I refuse to deal with MAUREEN at the one closer to me. Suck it, ahjummah. As I was walking down my street, a firetruck came barrelling past me, kicking up all kind of dust and debris into my face. My eyes were screaming for a bit, and I talked myself out of writing a letter to the mayor by reminding myself that the firetruck was en route to probably put out an actual fire, so I SHOULD LET IT GO. God, this whole “training to play the part of a rational adult” is really grating my nerves.  I turned left onto West Liberty Ave and after a block of walking, MORE firetrucks roared by, these ones were from Mt. Lebanon. “Oh my, I wonder what’s going on,” some old broad said right as I was passing her on the sidewalk, so I slowed my roll and we talked for a bit about how we hoped it wasn’t a tragedy, and then I looked over my shoulder just in time to see the firetrucks TURN ONTO THE STREET THAT BLAKE LIVES ON. I called Henry ASAP and started screaming at him to call Blake. His half-assed response was that Blake was at work and OK. So I went to the post office and stopped to grab an iced latte at Dunkin’ Dunuts, but I just wasn’t satisfied with Henry’s lame response, so I walked down Blake’s street AND HELLO, THERE WERE EMERGENCY VEHICLES PARKED ALL ALONG THE BLOCK WHERE BLAKE AND HALEY’S BUILDING IS!? Part of the street was even blocked off! So I was like, “FUCK YOU HENRY I’M GOING IN!” and I knocked urgently on Blake’s door. Haley answered it and wasn’t covered in burning cinders, so that was a good sign. She said she and Calvin were fine, but apparently a house at the bottom of their hill was on fire, but she hadn’t seen any smoke. I mean, there were so many fire trucks from all over, it was apocalyptic. Even the NEWS CREW was there, so that’s how you know it was a big deal. So, that was about 457945798425 extra words to say that there was a fire near Blake and Haley but they are OK. You’re welcome for the reading exercise.
  • Also, thank god they live literally 1 minute from my house and I can POP IN WHENEVER I WANT.
    • Just kidding. I’m one mass shooting away from agoraphobia so I rarely pop in on anyone and please don’t pop in on me, either.
    • I wish we could go back to less scary times, like when everyone thought there were staples in Thin Mints. :(
• After the passing of Jonghyun last December, this Seoul-based ring company re-released these commemorative rings that they made after Jonghyun’s first solo win on Music Core (a weekly music countdown show). There’s a soundwave of his voice engraved on the ring, from when he said, “Thank you, SHINee. Thank SHINees’ parents for giving lives to us. I love you, SHINee World.” I had to buy one, and it feels like I’m carrying a piece of him with me. I never take it off my finger.

• In other Kpop news, GOT7 announced the dates for their world tour and Chooch and I desperately want to see them in Toronto this July but Henry hasn’t been convinced yet, and if we do this, then we probably definitely can’t do KCON in June, ugh I hate not having all of the money!

• Here’s a picture of Drew and me, but don’t get it twisted: she’s only near me because her container of treats is right there. Ugh.
• I finally upgraded phones. I had one of those beat iPhones with the degenerate batteries. I would leave my house with a 100% charge, walk 10 minutes to the trolley without even taking it out of my pocket, and it would be at 50%. Then, if I had the audacity to actually text or read the news on the 25 minute ride to work, my phone would be dead by the time I got downtown. Especially on really cold days! Henry thought I was making it up until all the articles came out awhile back, exposing Apple. Rather than go through the hassle of getting a replacement battery, I just upgraded to an 8 a few months early. THIS MEANT I GOT TO GET A NEW PHONE CASE AND YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUSLY I TAKE MY PHONE CASES! So I retired my obnoxious “eye-rolling forever” case (which is totally apropos because I can’t tell you how many times I get yelled at for rolling my eyes, esp. at work) for another obnoxious phone case:

• Upgrading my phone meant that Chooch got my sloppy seconds. He knew that my phone was being delivered on Tuesday, so when he woke up that morning, the first thing he said was, “I GET A NEW PHONE TODAY!” New to him, I guess. He doesn’t have an actual plan, but he likes to use my old, garbage iPhones for game-playing purposes.
• • Late that night, I got a phone call from someone in Etna, PA. I didn’t answer because it was almost midnight and I figured it was probably a wrong number because friends don’t call friends anymore, like ew. But then I got a text that said, “Hey. Is this Erin?” and then I started panicking for clearly someone must have died if I’m getting phone calls and texts at midnight. I went upstairs and woke up Henry and as I started telling him this, Chooch called out from his room, “That was just me!” because he always gets those free phone numbers on my old phones and I should have fucking known this!!!
  • Friday night, he was still setting up his phone and I asked, “Do you have Janna’s number in there yet?” He didn’t so I gave it to him. “I’m going to text her and tell her to play Roblox,” he laughed, because she gets so annoyed when he hounds her about that. “WAIT!” I cried. “You should prank her first.” And that is how we spent an hour of our Friday night, sending Janna creepy texts, texting her her address, sending her the man silhouette emoji, etc etc. Then Chooch called her and breathed heavily and we were peeing our pants because I’m in 6th grade too and pranking people is my motherfucking wheelhouse, man. Then Janna sent me this!!!!

And it’s so funny because that was probably ME who was laughing at the end! I led her on for awhile, and when she mentioned that the call came from Etna, I said, “Maybe it’s the Scarehouse!” because that’s a haunted house in Etna, lol. Anyway, once she told me she blocked the number, I said, “That was a mistake.” And she was all, “?” So I sent her a video of Chooch cracking up and Janna said, “Goddammit.” I can’t believe she didn’t immediately accuse me?! “I mean, I’ve been doing this shit to her since like 1994,” I said to Henry. “Yeah, and now your spawn is doing it,” he said and I think I mistook his tone for pride when really it was disappointment.

• My house was really missing something and then finally I realized it was ice cream cone garland. One of my IG friends commented on this picture and said she wants to be like me when she grows up and I said the secret is to just not ever grow up. And that’s how you can get away with living in a colorful dump decorated with party supplies.

• I will end this with a picture of beautiful Kwon Jiyong at his last fan event in Jeju Island before he enlists in the military this week. But guess what?? I just read that he’s going into the same division or whatever as the actor who played Lawyer Noh on Love In Trouble (Suspicious Partner)!

I mean, it is Caturday, after all.

Mostly I just wanted to post about Chooch’s week-long project: building Drew her dream mansion out of boxes. We always have empty boxes in the house because Henry has an Amazon Prime problem, and when we shop at the Asian market, they put our groceries in boxes instead of bags.

It started out just looking like some weird arcade game. Drew loves to jump in through the window.

I hung around a bit last Sunday at Chooch’s piano lesson because I haven’t talked to his teacher in a while and she is so cool.

Right away, Chooch blurted out, “I BUILT MY CAT A HOUSE OUT OF BOXES” and Cheryl was like, “Man, I remember when I was a kid and realized I could build thing out of boxes. It was awesome.” So I excitedly told her about the frog hotels I used to make when I was younger, where I would take many boxes, tape them together, make doorways, fill it with Barbie and Sweet Secrets furniture, capture frogs and then get so sad when all the frogs subsequently escaped and leap-frogged the fuck out of town.

HOW COULD THEY NOT LOVE THIS MAGNIFICENT RESORT THAT I SWEATED OVER FOR HOURS? I even had a SWIMMING POOL in one.

Chooch had the “Please stop talking” look on his face, so I left.

Chooch built an addition off the side of the estate which features a plastic-covered window so Drew goes in there and taunts Penelope, who at first was leery of the house, confusing it with a jail instead, I guess. Penelope can be pretty hard to impress.

The problem with this ever-expanding pension is that it takes up so much room on the floor and Henry desperately wants to take it to work and toss it in the dumpster but Chooch and I have been getting so much joy out of this! I love sitting on the couch and directing him in the construction process while lifting nary a finger.

Drew also loves to nest under a pile of packing paper.

Henry didn’t know she was in there and accidentally punted her across the floor last night so now we all hate Henry.

Finally, yesterday, we got Penelope to go in the house! There’s a new room off the back (not seen in this photo) and poor Peenlop got stuck in it because she’s kind of chubby and Chooch only catered to Drew’s measurements when cutting doorways.

Drew is so destructive and has caved in the roof numerous times since last week, so Chooch served her an eviction notice last night. She’s as bad as our old neighbor, Boots!

And to end this cat-full post, here are some pictures sent me from yesterday, when he was casually standing in his room and Drew jumped onto his shoulders. She does this sometimes and it’s so bizarre! They have the strangest relationship.

I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH!

OK, I have shit to do today.

You guys, Taemin was featured on the Today Show, albeit super briefly, but I’m so happy that an American broadcast focused on someone else in addition to BTS* and Psy while doing a story on Kpop.

*(Look, I really love BTS too but there are other Korean artists out there who are just as good if not better and work just as hard if not harder.)

It was good to see that they touched upon the passing of Jonghyun as well, and the effect that has had on Taemin. Major hat tip to the Today Show for that.

I texted Henry a series of CAPSLOCK screams and his only response to me was, “Calm down.”

I WILL NOT.

************

Also, in other news, today marks one month until we leave for Korea! It’s finally starting to feel more real, especially when I looked over the other night and saw Henry looking up KTX info for Busan.

Sometimes I think about it and my heart starts flopping around so hard that I feel like I could just expire right here and now.