Another week in the books, time to purge the ol’ battered brain. (Battered as in beaten, not deep-fried carnival treat. OR IS IT A DEEP-FRIED CARNIVAL TREAT. I think there’s a recipe for that in Jeffrey Dahmer’s cookbook. What am I even talking about. I need sleep, my people.)

• At work on Thursday, Gayle sent out a department wide email about having an extra candle she didn’t need and first person to her desk gets it. First of all, there’s no such thing as “not needing a candle.” CANDLES ARE LIFE. Luckily, I sit about five feet away from Gayle’s desk, so I got up to casually walk over and claim my free candle in a cool, calm, and collected manner. In my world, that includes nearly catapulting ones self out of their chair, taking a giant lunge, and then galloping like a FUCKING RACE HORSE around the corner to Gayle’s dark abode, completely cutting off Catherine, who had dashed out of her office at the same time in an effort to be #1. BUT I WON! And I have no problem admitting to the Internet that I was prepared to throw an elbow or eight (you don’t know my body) and clothesline a person if I had to. Anyway, you’re reading the blog of a proud new owner of a SLEIGH BELLS scented candle, homemade by Gayle’s friend. I let Catherine hold it long enough to catch a whiff, because I wanted her loss to sting even harder. I care.
  • I’m not sure what SLEIGH BELLS are supposed to smell like, but I think cinnamon?
  • Apparently, Catherine and I created a quite the audible stampede, so the topic of candles became a group conversation, which inspired me to share a CAUTIONARY TALE involving candle tarts. Here, I’ll tell you, too. Pull up a seat, bring a pencil to jot down some notes, or just write your name over and over in different styles like I do in meetings, but make sure you add various accolades after it, like ‘is awesome” and “rules” and “is better than everyone in the entire world.” Anyway, my story dates back to 2005. I was home alone one day, which right away tells you that this is about to be one of the Harrowing Chapters in my life. One of the candle tarts had been burning for some time in my bedroom and I decided that I needed to change the scent immediately. Because if the wax was still in liquid-form, it should be harder to change, right? So I did the logical thing and carted the burner into the bathroom and poured it right into the toilet. Former honor student, right here! What I hadn’t anticipated was that once it hit the water, it would QUADRUPLE IN SIZE. Maybe even whatever comes after quadruple. It immediately hardened and blew up like a balloon, turned into this grotesque, elephantine wax brain, buoyantly glurging in the commode, threatening to come to life. Now, here’s the part of the story where I couldn’t quite remember the ending aside from the fact that Henry was all, “OHHONESTLYERIN!!!” when he came home from work. So later that night (we’re back to present-day now, try to keep up) I mentioned this story to Henry and he laughed without mirth (see also: disgusted sigh). In Henry’s reality, I left it I the toilet and waited for him to roll up on his white stallion, Sir Lancelot’s plunger in hand, to conquer the Yankee Candle commode coagulation. Sure, this seems plausible….but I decided that I better fact check this in the ol’ LiveJournal archives. Because I knew this was something I would have transcribed for posterity since I have no life. And here I am, 11 years later, recounting this tale like it’s the story of my ENGAGEMENT or something (thanks, Henry). LiveJournal reminded me that I was a brave girl that day and reached into the toilet all on my own and removed that chunky abomination of Midsummers Night and threw it in the garbage. However, various tendrils stayed behind, hugging the sides of the toilet bowl like waxy plankton, so I did what ANY ONE OF YOU would do and flushed. And then the toilet proceeded to run all day long until Henry rolled up on his white stallion, Sir Lancelot’s plunger in hand, to conquer the Yankee Candle commode coagulation. There. Henry’s the hero yet again. I HOPE THIS STORY SATISFIED YOU.
  • Speaking of being satisfied, I don’t get the appeal of those “satisfying” YouTube videos. They don’t make me feel satisfied! They just make me feel like I am literally watching the thing that’s happening and feeling no emotion about it whatsoever.
• The look Henry gets on his face when I get in the car & casually say, “I don’t know what I signed up for but there’s apparently no cancellation fee” could be used in place of those alarm system decals to deter burglars. Anyway, turns out it was to switch our electric over to some clean environmental thing and Henry is like blowing the top of his head off over this. He was reading the pamphlet I was given while saying “Tell me you didn’t sign up for this. This is what that guy came to the door about last week when I said NO!!” But it was some sweet college boy, and I couldn’t say no! Even though when I was walking by and he said, “Excuse me miss, do you have a second?” I said no. Yet somehow, here we are. Now I have to call and cancel but I don’t feel like it.
  • “ALL OF THESE REVIEWS FOR THIS COMPANY ARE ONE STAR, ERIN!” Henry frantically hissed. I feel like the last time I did something like this, it was for my phone (back in the landline days) and the utility company somehow managed to forward all of my phone calls to a tattoo shop in Homestead, PA. #truestory
    • But I mean…no cancellation fee…so.
• My smug face, in case you forgot what I looked like:

• I’M GOING TO SEE CITIZEN TOMORROW NIGHT! Fourth time this year, plus another time too when I saw Mat on his solo tour! I can’t explain how rejuvenating this band is for me. Another show by myself, but it’s OK. Eventually I’ll start making friends. Right, Internet diary?? #pityparty #toobadsosad
• Last Monday on my lunch break, I was accidentally walking beside a man who started introducing himself to passers-by as “Satan.” This was near the Army Navy store, and that’s where the other crazy guy bought his machete!! I didn’t stick around to find out if this was going to be Machete Monday Part 2: Erin Gets Hemisected
• Henry tried to serve me the worst acorn squash tonight and I sent it back to the kitchen with a quickness. I love acorn squash, but he strayed from the tried and true path and added some strange combination of spices to it and my palate was like, “Bitch, hell no.” So then he roasted other vegetables for and practically frisbeed it at my face. What a sensitive cook.

• Sometimes Chooch goes to this super lame gaming place on the boulevard and I’m like, “Whatever, loaf with all the geeks, whatever.” And then I just make Henry deal with it (you know, the small, unimportant details such as: having money to pay, and getting picked up, etc.) but yesterday, Henry was like, “IF YOU EXPECT TO HAVE A PARTY TONIGHT, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO HELP ME BECAUSE I CAN’T DO IT ALL ON MY OWN, SO AT THE VERY LEAST, GO PICK UP CHOOCH FROM THE GAMING PLACE WHILE I’M COOKING.” Ugh god, I can’t stand how dependent he gets on me! So there I am, bailing Henry out once again, driving to some lame ass gaming place to pick up my kid. So I go inside all huffily because why do I have to do everything, and then some guy is all, “Oh hello” and I’m all, “OH HELLO GUY WHO MILDLY LOOKS LIKE CHRIS PRATT BUT ENOUGH THAT I FIND MYSELF SUDDENLY INTERESTED IN THE GAMING PLACE.” So I collect my kid and as we’re leaving, Cute Guy says “Bye Riley!” all cheerily and I whispered, “WHO IS THAT” and Chooch (a/k/a Riley) casually shrugged and said, “The guy in charge.” We came home and I was like, “Hey Henry, I’ll be in charge of gaming place drop-off and pick-up from now on, you’re so very welcome.”
  • Chooch just told me the guy’s name is Ed. “Oh. Eh….let’s just go ahead and call him….Damon.” Ed is not sexy.

• Got a new mask for the wall! If you ever see an old Halloween mask at the flea market or thrift store, grab that shit up for me and I will trade you serial killer cards for it, or something of actual value…like a piece of Henry’s liver.
• I still don’t know what’s going on with the weird neighbors. More on that later, I guess. I’m just obsessed  now at this point. To the point of flat out stalking and spying. Eh, nothing new for me, though. #lowkeysociopath
• Speaking of, while Chooch was at the gaming place yesterday, Henry had to go to the store to get more stuff for the holiday party we hosted last night, and I actually went with him for once because it seemed the better alternative to staying home alone while Boots was next door marinating in nicotine and gin baths. Or whatever it is he does. Fucking weirdo. (I feel you, Phyllis.) So Henry was standing in line to buy CHIPPED HAM (ugh gross) and he said, “Instead of standing here being in everyone’s way, why don’t you go to AISLE THREE and get the paper plates.” And then he repeated “AISLE THREE” like four more times for good measure, and I’m like, “Dude, you can say it all you want, that’s not going to make me magically know how to get there.” I mean, god. But I did eventually find it and that’s where the real challenge began: WHAT KIND OF PLATES SHOULD I CHOOSE? So I opted for these green plastic ones, because they looked festive, and this was after much deliberation between those and ones that had snowmen on them, but those ones seemed a little trite if we’re being frank here. So I take the plates back to Henry and he had all kinds of negative things to say about them, like, “These are expensive” (????) and “How many people are you planning on feeding?” — whatever that means. So after he collected his gross bag of dead animal, we had to go back to the illustrious AISLE THREE where he completely went over my head (literally — the plates he chose were on a shelf above my head) and I was like, “Then what was even the point of you making me come to AISLE THREE and do this?!” and he was all, “I don’t know. I was stupid to think you could handle it.” OMFG, GET FUCKED, HENRY!

• GUYS KURT TRAVIS HAS A NEW BAND AND I’M SWEATING A LITTLE DO I HAVE A FEVER MAYBE.
• I was off on Friday and it was glorious. I need very little! That’s not true! I made EGGS. Like, how do people even know how to cook eggs, my good god. It was so frustrating! My brow was furrowed and dotted with beads of sweat. I think I scraped Henry’s dumb pan. I somehow twisted the eggs into a knot when I tried to flip them? Part of the yolk was cooked solid and the other part was not cooked at all. I mean, I ate it anyway, but I felt myself getting food poisoning mid-bite. Henry came home and I told him about my disastrous turn in the kitchen and he asked, ‘Well, what were you trying to do to the eggs? Scramble them?” And I said, “Uh no, I was trying to makde dippy eggs, obvi.” And then he was like, “No, please don’t try that again” and said he’s going to teach Chooch how to make them so at least if Henry isn’t home and Chooch is, Chooch can just take care of it for me. Thanks, I think.
  • I luckily did not get sick and die like I anticipated!  I kind of wanted to though because Henry said, “Oh you’ll be fine” and just like, laughed it off, so I wanted him to feel super guilty and sorry that he said that, and didn’t take me to the ER to have my stomach pumped like a real soulmate would have. Probably. Jack probably would have done that for Jennifer on Days of Our Lives.
• Speaking of DAYS, RIP Stefano DiMera. </3
  • Literally, Chooch just said, “Days of Our Lives? What is that?” and I’m like HOW HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD ME TALK ABOUT THAT BEFORE, SON!? So then I had to explain to him what a soap opera is, OMG, and how before he was born, Henry and I would “tape” each episode on the VCR and then watch it while eating dinner, because Henry and I have always been a super hot and exciting couple. Envy us.

• Um. I’ll leave you now with this picture of Drew, who is pissed because I moved her wheelchair and also put lights on it. And then had like 20 people over last night which frightened her and made her squeeze in between Henry’s dresser and the wall because she is the complete opposite of my old cats, who were always like, “PARTY’S HERE! WHERE MY PARTY PPL AT?” Seriously, my original cats (well, minus Willie) were fucking attention-starved party…well…animals. They were always up in it.

CIAO FOR NOW. I’m off work tomorrow too so who knows what tales I’ll regale you with! I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING FOR ME.

First thing Monday morning, I was delivered a real coal-raking when Lauren (of all people!) told me, “You know Erin, it’s not always all about you.” Granted, she said it in good fun, but it was still the best thing Glenn would hear all week. Ugh.

Later that day, I was on my lunch break, talking to Henry. I was whining because Chooch had a birthday party to attend later that week, at 5pm!! Who has parties on weeknights at 5pm!?!? And why did it concern me, you might be wondering? Oh, because it meant that since Henry was going to be dealing with that, he wouldn’t be able to pick me up from work, so I would have to TAKE THE TROLLEY, UGH. And when Henry said, “It’s not always about you, Erin” I had brief déjà vu and then said, “Weird. That’s the second time today that’s been said to me!” Henry asked, “Who said it first—Glenn?” YEAH YOU WOULD THINK.

Wednesday was the day I had to take the trolley home, which wouldn’t have been that bad except that I remembered I don’t have a house key, and here’s why: Chooch lost his house key so I let him borrow mine, and then he lost MINE, so Henry had to get him another one made, but never got one made for me!? So Henry was like, “When I go home to get Chooch, I’ll leave his key under the seat of his bike” and I was like, “Chooch has a bike?” SIKE NO—I know he has a dumb bike.

So I got home and of course it was dark out because WINTER SUCKS, so I had to turn on the flashlight on my phone while hunkering down along the side of the house, digging under a bike seat for a fucking key, and it HURT!! Henry had it jammed so far up there that my hand was getting all scraped! Finally, I got the key out but then I couldn’t get it to unlock the door because here’s another thing: my key was the master key. It slid in smooth like butter, like a well-lubed weener, every time. And way back when I had a key made for Henry back when we were “dating,” the dude at Daniel’s Hardware didn’t cut the key very well, so Henry’s been using a janky key for like, 16 years. So then when Chooch lost his key, and then my key, Henry had to get him a new key made using HIS JANKY key, so now both house keys are FUCKED. And now you know the history of my house keys.

Needless to say, I could not for the life of me get this fucking key to unlock my door. I tried all the tricks, such as leaning into the door while turning the key, and….OK, so I tried a trick. After 15 seconds, I gave up and called Henry. Try to picture me shaking with unbridled anger and also HYPOTHERMIA because it was cold out there, with rage beginning to present itself in the form of foam in the corners of my mouth.

Henry answers from the luxury of Dave & Busters, and I hiss, “I can’t get the fucking key to work.”

And here is where Henry says a string of patronizing things like “Are you turning it the right direction?” and “Is it plugged in?” and “Did you turn it off and on again?” Or whatever. I low-key cried into the phone, “You’re a motherfucker and I can’t believe you did this to me GO FUCK YOURSELF.” And then I quickly looked around to make sure no one heard because I am my grandmother’s granddaughter.

While struggling with the key, I looked over and noticed that the mysterious neighbors now have a lamp downstairs, so that’s a new development. Thanks, landlord. It sounded really quiet over there and I imagined that they were spying on me from their bedroom window like I do to them. HOW RICH. Now I’m the trashy neighbor trying to kick her door down while threatening to slit her boyfriend’s throat with a frying pan.

(Shout out to my new DGD friends!)

Henry had the audacity to call me back after I hung up him. I feel like hanging up on someone is a pretty clear cut way to tell them that you no longer wish to expel breath on them but I guess Henry’s too dumb to get it.

We would yell words over top of each other for 10 seconds before I would have to hang up on him again on account of the rage noodles boiling in my blood.

ALSO! Idiot Chooch has some metal Batman keychain and it was cutting into hand every time I tried to force the key to turn! Since when does Chooch give a fuck about Batman?! Oh my god, my hand hurt so bad! It was so red! I was too afraid to look long enough to see if it was bleeding too but it felt like it was. I kept dropping the key on the ground because I was shaking with so much rage, and every single motherfucker who walked past my house looked over at me because I LOOKED LIKE I WAS TRYING TO BREAK IN. So then I would have to stop, casually lean against the porch column, and whistle.

I really didn’t want to have an encounter with Boots or Phyllis while this was happening, so I felt even more stressed out, like I was racing against something….time or whatever. Like the Mormon missionaries were swishing their wool skirted way to my house and I had to get inside, draw the blinds and hunker down on the floor until they left their bible literature and moved on. LIKE THE PIZZA GUY WAS COMING. (Do you even KNOW me? I scream and run up the steps every single time we have pizza delivered. I was scarred by Freddy of Freddy’s Pizza back in the day. He got too friendly with me and my friends and then started to COME IN MY HOUSE?! I mean, the pizza was great, but nope, go away.)

It was clear that I needed help before I did something stupid, like throw a brick through my window/hit myself in the head with a brick/chuck a brick at the next car that drove by. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A BRICK IN MY POSSESSION COULD MEAN.

WHERE WAS I EVEN GETTING A BRICK!?

Hot Naybor Chris’s light was off, and I certainly wasn’t asking mysterious neighbors, and Marky’s mom would want to hang out and talk and I don’t make a habit of talking to neighbors. But then I noticed that Chooch’s nemesis Larry was unloading groceries from the weird-ass Yellow Cab van that he drives. Oh man, I really didn’t want to have to talk to him. But I couldn’t get in my house! And my rising agitation was threating to destroy any hopeful entry into my dumb house. And I had to pee! SO BADLY. Why didn’t I pee before I left work!?

So I did it. I swallowed my pride. I took a deep breath of compromised Brookline air. I started my slow march to Larry’s house, motherfucking Henry in my head the whole way. Larry had just gone back inside his house, but as I slowly climbed the steps to his door, he had turned to come back out. The sight of me startled him, so right away our interaction was fueled on suspicion and alarm.

I tried to be super friendly, like, “HI I’M ERIN FROM THAT HOUSE THERE” like he doesn’t know I’m the mom of Notorious Chooch. I dangled the key up high and said, “This is really embarrassing, haha, but I can’t get my key to open my door.” Insert self-deprecating shrug and cute sitcom laugh. “So, can you help me?”

He was still looking at me with that super-serious, concerned face, like he couldn’t tell if it was a trap. And I’m like, “Do I look like a burglar? Come the fuck on, man, help me.”

So then he made a “come on” motion with his hand and I followed him back to my house, where I stood on my porch with him for what seemed like a full half hour, enough time to reflect on the idiocy that clouds my life.

I tried to lighten the mood by making jokes, and all of them bombed. Like, “My 10-year-old can open the door, but I can’t, LOL.” And he was just like *no response*. Brookliners are a tough crowd, yo.

But I would just like the record to state that Larry even had a trying time with that defective key. Which made me happy because at least I’m not a moron, but it also meant I had to stand there awkwardly with him in a bubble of rape alert, arms crossed tightly over my boobs. TRUST NO ONE.

After about 5 minutes (OK probably 3), Larry finally got the key to cooperate and my front door popped open. I could see the twinkling lights of Trudy’s arm and all of Henry’s shit strewn about the dining room table and what appeared to be a package containing a vinyl laying on the chair, and I was like THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME! And then, “Oh yeah, thank you Larry” as I shouldered past him to get inside. I gave him a few seconds of an audience while he explained to me the trick of opening the door and how I was probably turning the key the wrong direction because I Am A Gurl.

So after being all, “Oh OK. Gurl thanks Man,” I shut and double-locked the door, ripped open the vinyl package (it was the 10 year anniversary pressing of Alexisonfire’s “Crisis”!), remembered I had to pee so I peed, and then sat down to watch The Crown.

Ten minutes later, my phone rang, It was Henry.

“DID YOU GET IN THE HOUSE?!!?” he asked hysterically.

Apparently, he wasn’t getting my texts and proceeded to call Hot Naybor Chris to see if he could help, and when he didn’t answer, Henry was actually going to make Chooch leave the party early so they could come home and rescue me, lol.

God guys, calm down. I wasn’t dying.

(Henry for no reason just now told me he’s mad at me and I’m like I don’t care, I’m writing about my hero Larry.)

*OK cool is what I say when Henry doesn’t respond to me in .00000000008 seconds.

Never forget that time last summer when Chooch spied on Larry from the window:

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Hey Larry – I appreciate you. I mean, now I do, anyway. Until you do something to piss me off, which will probably be soon.

Now Chooch REALLY hates Larry.

During the Holiday season of 1999, I turned my back on Christmas music and pretty much exclusively listened to my Black Bible – an epic 4 CD compilation of the goth music. I was so obsessed with it that I turned my purple hand chair into a shrine for it: 

My friends were like “Sigh.”

Anyway. I’ve been all out of whack (or Waco, as autocorrect wants it to be) this week and totally lacking Christmas spirit so I’m pouring salt in the wound by listening to music that I listened to during some of my most depressed nights because GODDAMN what a plan. 

I’m off tomorrow. Maybe I’ll find my holiday joy. Suck the Yuletide marrow out of a candy cane or something.  Or maybe I’ll just sleep all day because I’m tired as fuck, in every aspect. 

Other than that, my only plans are spying on the neighbors, foraging for things to eat without having to cook, and I guess cleaning kind of. 

More things we know about our neighbors:

• We are not the only people who hate them!

Monday evening was wonderful. Henry saw the neighbors leave in a blue car shortly after we came home from work, because now they have a car, I guess. This is a new development. It was around 8:30-9:00 that night, and as I mentioned in an earlier post this week, I was just trying to enjoy an episode of The Affair, motherfuckers. Suddenly, someone started banging and kicking on the neighbors’ front door.

I heard a man scream, “I see your light on, you cunt! Come out here!” So I thought, “Great, Boots is locked out again and is rearin’ to start another domestic battle with Phyllis.” But the more he banged, pounded, and kicked, the more it sounded less like he was irritated about being locked out, and more like he was literally ready to beat someone’s ass.

Then he started screaming again. This is when I began to realize that it wasn’t Boots after all. This was some other male. It sounded at one point like he said, “I saw what you did” — did he know someone in the house watched a person drown?! WAS PHIL COLLINS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE?

WHAT DID HE KNOW!?

The way this man was bellowing though, it chilled me to the bone; he was 100% raging in front of our house. He called the empty house everything from punk, prick, cunt, and faggot. And he was kicking the door with such force that it was making things in my side of the house shake.  I wanted to teleport back to m y childhood bedroom, lock the door, and crawl under the bed. But instead I just stood in the middle of the living room, in a frozen crouch, trembling. Henry ran upstairs to  try and get a look at the guy through our bedroom window, while I called 911. Hello, what if that guy comes to my door next, looking for those derelicts!? I don’t want to get caught in that crossfire!

While I talked to the dispatcher, I started to shake really bad. I mean, not that many like violence, but I really truly hate it. I know I’m into murder TV and all that, but when I see violence in real life, I want to throw up. I always think back to the time I was with Janna, my boyfriend Psycho Mike, and our friend Jon on Thanksgiving Eve in 1999. We were driving near the old Sun TV in West Mifflin (you care) when we came upon a man kicking the fuck out of another man’s head in the middle of the road. I got really upset and wanted Mike to stop the car and make the man stop, but he was like FUCK NO and sped away. I don’t think any of us had a cell phone then, either. A few minutes later, we were pulled over because apparently Mike’s mom’s car was similar to the car that the assailant was driving. I started crying and frantically tried to tell the cop what we had seen, but Mike and Jon were like STOP TALKING, LET US MEN TELL THE STORY, WOMAN. Ugh. Anyway, that was a long time ago (I don’t want to do math right now) and I still have random flashes of that night.

So I was pretty happy that the neighbors weren’t home because I don’t want to live next to a crime scene, you know?

Anyway, while I was on the phone with 911, the man finally gave up and stormed off up the street. Henry described him as being in his 40s, white, stocky, bald and wearing a dark sweatsuit. The dispatcher asked which direction he was walking, and then assured us that they would send a squad car but that if the man came back before then, to please call 911 again.

Um, YOU KNOW IT.

Then I got really nervous and started running around the house panicking because I really dislike cops and I go out of my way to make sure I never have to speak with them. “Will you do the talking?” I begged Henry, and come on, of course Henry will do the talking because he was born to be a hero. That fucking popo sycophant. Never forget the time he got to bro down with a cop the night there was a hit and run in front of our house.

“What if they come in here and mistake Trudy for a black man and shoot her?” I asked, and I promise I wasn’t even making jokes. I AM THAT LEARY OF COPS. Everything scares me these days.

“Why the hell are cops coming into our house with guns drawn and then shooting at a green mannequin!?” Henry asked incredulously.

“Because they think it’s a trap?? And they’re color blind!?” God Henry, try to consider all scenarios — that’s how you win wars!!

Guess who never showed up? THE COLORBLIND COPS.

But the neighbors did. They rolled up a bit after 10 and after a quick conference amongst ourselves, we decided that they should be given a heads up that some angry man was trying to break into their house and kill them.  So I sent Henry to do the dirty deed. I stood just inside the door so I could hear.

“What was he driving?” the daughter asked in her rough-ass hillbilly voice.

“Nothing, he was walking,” Henry answered. “He was bald—”

“Was he FAT?” Boots spat in his warbled mumble.

“I guess. He was pretty stocky,” Henry said.

“Yeah, I know who that is,” Boots said dismissively and then they went into their crack house and slammed the door with vigor. Literally no big deal, you guys. Some guy wants to kill them but they don’t give a fuck! Probably because they’re used to this kind of thing!

If I came home one night and Hot Naybor Chris was all, “Yo someone was trying to break into your house t murder you” I’d be driving to the nearest Amish town, put me in the fucking Witness Protection Program, here Chooch, don this fucking bonnet, your name is Ezekiel now.

So then I was just pissed! Fuck those motherfuckers!

“Wow, you want to talk about a group of strung-out people, holy shit, Erin,” Henry said as he closed the door and double-locked it. “They could barely even stand up straight! And the daughter looked a lot better when she had her hood up the other day,” he said, so I guess that means he hopefully won’t cheat on me with her now. (Season three of The Affair, you guys. I’ll be in a paranoid fugue state for the next few weeks.)

“You made contact! Now he thinks you guys are friends,” I said solemnly.

The rest of the evening was calm.

Until 4am. I woke abruptly to the sound of the front door being repeatedly slammed shut. Then Boots was running up and down the steps. Then the daughter started SCREAMING, “Mom! Help me!” in a deep, drawn-out tone.

Phyllis screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, GEORGIA?!?!” So hooray, now we know Daughter’s name is presumably Georgia!

But really, Georgia, what the fuck do you want at 4am?!

Then Boots’ garbled bark interrupted, and at this point, I was out of bed and standing in the hallway next to the wall because I’M UP NOW, ASSHOLES, MIGHT AS WELL SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT.

As usual,  I couldn’t decipher what Boots was screaming about, but then Phyllis yelled, “I DIDN’T LOCK YOU OUT, YOU FUCKING WEIRDO!” and then it was 30 minutes of Phyllis calling him a fucking weirdo over and over and hollering about not having cigarettes, with random slams of the front door punctuating her nicotine demands.

They eventually stopped, but I couldn’t go back to sleep after that. They make my heart race, and not in some teeny-bopper Katy Perry song kind of way.

The next morning, I called Henry, who had already left for work before this went down. He said that when he was leaving, he saw Boots come out of the house and proceed to sit inside his mystery car. Maybe he was sitting in there and smoking Phyllis’s cigarettes!?

By mid-morning, I was falling asleep at my desk. And then that just made me really angry. So I texted Henry and he said he was going to try and get ahold of the landlord again. AND THIS TIME HE ANSWERED! And HNC was correct, the landlord has been traveling and admitted that he hadn’t been in touch with those dildos. He also confirmed that he has Boots set up with some type of “fix up to live” arrangement, where he’s supposed to literally be renovating the house in exchange for reduced rent, I guess.

“Well, FYI, there hasn’t been any work happening there in about a month,” Henry told him, and then ran down the laundry list of domestic disputes, house calls from the cops, screaming and slamming doors at 2-4am….

The landlord asked if we think there are drugs involved and Henry was like, “Probably most likely yes.” The landlord said that sometime last month, he sent a plumber over there to do work, and the plumber apparently found the daughter unconscious on the bathroom floor?! The landlord told Henry that he was told she has seizures and Henry was just like, “Mmmmm……ok.”

Anyway, the landlord is super pissed and said that this arrangement is obviously not going to work out and that he’ll take care of it. BUT WHEN, LANDLORD?! DO IT NOW. I was so upset yesterday that I didn’t want to come home after work.

Last night, we went over Hot Naybor Chris’s house to fill in him and his Wife-Thing about the recent events because HNC kind of knows Boots from whenever the landlord sent over the (legit) contracting company to do work on HNC’s house. Boots was working for them at that time and was apparently kind of OK?

Here is what we learned from HNC:

• Boots’ name is George.
• That is HIS daughter, so I guess it makes sense that her name could be Georgia for sure.
• The “older woman” staying there is just Boots’s “friend” who is going through a rough time because her husband recently died. But I heard Georgia call her “mom”?! Ugh I’m so confused.
• He used to work with Chooch’s nemesis Larry*, who lives two houses down, and recently told HNC that he went over there and that “There is no way George is clean” so we know that George has definitely had a drug problem, and most likely still does currently.
• Wife-Thing said that sometimes when she comes home during the day, Boots comes out of the house and gets all up in her face and she doesn’t like that ONE BIT.
• HNC said one night he looked out his window and saw Boots dancing in his front yard. They have a blue porch light, so HNC said he thought to himself, “What, is my blue light turning him on?” DEAD.
• When we started to tell them about Bald Guy (which Wife-Thing heard as it was happening, btw because probably most of the block heard it), HNC interrupted and said, “Was it Dave?” and then described TOURETTE’S TO US! It took everything in me not to blurt out, “OMG now I know Tourette’s name!!”
• Wife-Thing confirmed that something not right is going on over there and that they will also talk to the landlord about it. HNC wanted to just go straight to Boots and “talk to him” but Wife-Thing was all, “DO NOT GET INVOLVED CHRIS!!!” I agree.

They never came home last night so I was hopeful that maybe the landlord acted faster that I thought he would.

“Maybe they went on vacation,” Henry suggested.

“To where? A tenement across the city?” I spat.

But don’t worry. They’re home again.

Octavia said these assholes are lucky it’s not her husband living next to them because he would have been outside with guns drawn by now and now I wish they lived here. Have you met Henry?? He is the most non-confrontational person ever! He’d be out there not with a gun but with…a wooden spoon, like “Guys, don’t be mad at us. I made you spaghetti! Taste the sauce! Let’s be friends!”

Ugh, maybe Bald Guy will come back and take care of this for us.

*(I have a Larry-centric blog post coming later this week.)

Let’s go over what we already know about the mystery neighbors in the other half of my duplex:

• they’re technically supposed to be “working” on the house for our landlord.
• they could maybe be squatting, though??
• they’re probably illiterate.
• definitely smoke too much because I CAN SMELL IT IN MY BEDROOM?!
• the main players are a man and woman in their 40s/50s.
• the woman’s name is allegedly “Melissa,” as we learned last week when Man left the house, made it halfway down the street, and then turned around and started screaming, “MELISSA!” At which point she came to the window and yelled “WHATTTTT????” in her patented Yinzer trash throat scrape.

Where we last left off, Henry reported that the cops had made a visit next door one night last week, around 2am. He said they were fighting so bad that he was getting ready to call the police himself, but someone beat him to it. We’re speculating that it was her.

After this happened, I went to work and was ranting about how trashy and psychotic these people are, and how the cops were there, etc etc. And then I had a vision of the cops over there, breaking up a domestic dispute while Henry and I are next door, churning out serial killer greeting cards under the warm glow of our Christmas mannequin. And then I started cracking up because psycho pot calling the psycho kettle black.

WE’RE NOT TRASHY THOUGH.

Well…not as much as them.

Hot Naybor Chris confirmed that the guy truly does work for a contracting company, because he was one of the guys doing work on HNC’s house a while back. Apparently, HNC was there the day that the landlord brought this guy over to do work, because HNC got to go inside the house and said that our old neighbors really did a lot of damage. Which is crazy because we RARELY HEARD THEM.

The last day I heard them do any work over there whatsoever was when I was home on Veteran’s Day. I heard drilling, hammering, your basic construction noises. Now that I’ve gotten more acquainted with these idiots, I find it hard to believe that they’re capable of hammering a nail into the wall to hang a picture of an egg in a frying pan, let alone operate actual power tools. #concern

Why haven’t we called the landlord, one might ask. Landlord has been out-of-town, apparently, possibly even out-of-country. (His wife is from Japan or something, I don’t care enough about him to keep up.) Also, anytime the landlord has any work done to his properties, he is constantly over there, pacing back and forth in his cowboy hat. This guy is no-nonsense—Henry has a video of him wrestling a shovel off a guy from the gas company who dug up our front yard and then was going to leave without solving our issue. I’m not a big fan of our landlord, but I for sure was that day.

Anyway, ever since the domestic incident, I clench up every time I hear the door slam and then the STOMP STOMP STOMPing of his boots on the steps. Actually, let’s just call him Boots from herein. I know we’ve established her name is Melissa but let’s call her…Phyllis. Because that throaty smoker’s voice, man.

I hear Boots clomping his way through the house and my brain starts screaming to me, “HIDE UNDER THE BED, DRUNK DAD’S HOME AND HIS BREATH STINKS OF JACK AND PUKE!” Something like that.

Late Wednesday night, I heard the door slam and the house shake, and then I heard the stomping of boots up the steps. A short scuffle then BAM – the door slammed again. I looked out the bedroom window and announced in a hoarse whisper to Henry, “He’s leaving again!” I watched him walk down t he street, then stop and get into the backseat of a car that rolled to a stop right in the middle of our street.

The car continued to sit there and I was getting mad. YOU CAN’T STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR ROAD, IT’S A BUSY STREET! But then BAM — the door slammed again and out scurried Phyllis. She got in the passenger seat and the car sped away.

“Maybe it was their Uber,” Henry mumbled, already falling back asleep.

But then! The boots again! His muffled voice slammed up against our bedroom wall, and PHYLLIS started Yinzering back! THEN WHO WERE THE MAN AND WOMAN WHO LEFT THE HOUSE OMFG  THERE ARE FOUR OF THEM!?

Phyllis started screaming, “GO AWAY! GO TO YOUR OWN ROOM! LEAVE ME ALONE!” I was prepared to call 911 because I don’t fuck with this shit, but then it got very quiet. And then nothing for the rest of the night. Either they passed out or died.

****

On Thursday, while I was at work, Chooch was in the house alone. Henry was across the street in the parking lot probably having an affair, like he does, when he said he noticed that a guy was walking past our house and stopped. The man looked up at our neighbor’s open bedroom window, at which point Boot poked his head out, so the man kept walking. WELL APPARENTLY HE WAS STOPPING BECAUSE UNEARTHLY SEX MOANS WERE EMANATING FROM THE WINDOW, as Chooch proved by RECORDING THE SOUNDS WITH HIS PHONE.

“Um, it sounds like maybe she was hurt or something,” Henry said when they were telling me about it after I came home from work.

“No, I’m pretty sure they were doing it. Now my childhood is ruined,” Chooch sighed dramatically.

I listened to it later and congratulates on recording the audio of your first sex tape, son.

Totally doing it.

OMG I FEEL SO VIOLATED. I WANT TO VOMIT JUST TYPING THIS. NOW MY CHILDHOOD IS RUINED TOO.

The worst part though is that Chooch said it started with her saying “Help, help.”

Was this not consensual? Is he her captor?! Is the prequel to The Room playing out on the other side of my bedroom wall?

****

Friday was blissfully neighbor-free. Maybe they were dead? We kind of didn’t care.

But then Saturday morning rolled around. Henry was leaving to “go to the store” (i.e. cheat on me behind a pile of empty milk crates in the back of Giant Eagle) and he texted me excitedly because he saw Phyllis on his way out and she nervously said “Morning” to him. GREAT NOW HE’S GOING TO CHEAT ON ME WITH HER, TOO. Anyway, he said she looked young, like in her 20s and I said for sure that couldn’t be Phyllis then because I saw Phyllis once a few weeks ago when she and Boots were scurrying down the sidewalk with their gas station coffee. So now it was really starting to sound like Phyllis’s daughter is squatting there as well, and that’s who I saw leaving the house late Thursday night.

After Henry sent that text, I heard the basement door slam and Boots’ signature stomp began to shake the house.

“Don’t you think it’s weird how Boots always comes in through the basement?” I later said to Henry.

“Yeah, because he doesn’t have a key. The keys are in our house!” And then Henry reminded me that Chooch found keys in the front yard a few weeks ago, and how shortly after that, we heard what sounded like the basement door being kicked in. Because it sounds like Phyllis and Daughter keep Boots locked out, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Meanwhile, I was sitting at the desk in my bedroom, painting. My desk butts up against our shared wall, so I had a prime seat for when the Real Phyllis woke up and started screaming because “YOU CAME IN MY ROOM LAST NIGHT AND TOOK MY BLANKET OFF MY BED!”

So now we know there’s at least a bed over there! And we think it was left there by the family who lived there before them because this merry band of misfits never actually moved anything in. So ew, gross.

Boots was all, “MWWAAAAHMWWAAAAHHHH” because I can never understand anything when it’s his turn to talk, he sounds like a fucking throatless hobo with three pairs of balls in his mouth. The next thing I knew, he was out on the front porch screaming at her, but she must have been standing in the doorway, because I could only see him from my bedroom window, pelvis a’thrust, arms flapping limply at his side. They were fighting over money at this point. I was barely able to discern the words, “OH YEAH OK, YOU BOUGHT IT, MMMHMMM” and if I were Phyllis, I’d have punched that Coke bottle eyeball’d motherfucker in the face. Ugh. Of course I didn’t have my phone, and by the time I ran downstairs to get it, they had retreated back to home base—the bedroom—where a fight over CEREAL ensued:

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My phone shouldn’t be able to pick that up through a WALL. I’ve had plenty of neighbors living over there through the years, and we rarely could hear voices, only occasional bass from TV/radios. It takes some heavy-duty shouting to be heard through those walls.

And then they went quiet for most of the day. Later in the evening, they were gathered in The Room again, but they seemed to be coexisting peacefully so the sound of my radio was enough to drone out their slurred, cigarette-ravaged voices. They could film This Is Your Brain on Drugs commercials over there.

Pretty sure we witnessed Daughter buying drugs in front of the house that night, though.

Sunday: FULL DAY OF QUIET. We decided they must have fired up the caravan and visited some other crack den for the day.

TO BE CONTINUED because I’m still stressed out from living Part 2 last night.

My plan for tonight was to finish watching episode two of The Affair and I then write about my mysterious neighbors tonight but then something  weird happened over there and I’m too shaky and flustered to finish that right now so here’s a series of photos that have nothing to do with anything at all.

Peen Lop’s turn with the bow tie.

Current DIY mani. I barely spend any time on my nails anymore like I used to. #2016Blahs

Pretty sure this basic mannequin bitch on TV is jealous of Trudy’s opulence.

Tried to give Chooch a man bun but then remembered I can’t do buns. So, Pebbles it is.

Henry framed my Riot Fest 2016 screenprint and I softly run my fingertips across it every time I walk up and down the steps. The co-founder of Riot Fest, Sean McKeough, passed away last week and I never met the guy, but it broke my heart. That’s one of my people, for sure.

******

BONUS: Vintage photos of Chooch from 2006, because how has 10 years gone. Y already??!!:

Early stages of our competitive relationship. WHO CAN SWING HIGHER?!

(He still sucks at swinging, FYI.)

Ugh when I see these old pictures of him, I’m like, “HEY HENRY….???” But then I remember how shitty my pregnancy was and I just laugh it off psychotically. Maybe someday we’ll get a foreign exchange student?

We were going to make Trudy Dress-Up Time an event like last year, because nothing says Christmas tradition like drunkenly talking with friends about current events while hanging ornaments from a mannequin’s tit, but then I got SICK so Henry basically did it all himself. But let’s face it—it’s probably better that way. Especially when it comes to putting up lights. I don’t fuck with that peasant shit.

We never started putting up trees until Chooch was 2, so by then, my four original cats were already old enough to not really give a shit about it. We never had a single incident! At most, Marcy would sometimes lay under it. Last year, when we introduced Trudy as our official tree of the season, we were, for the first time ever, a pet-less household. Drew and Penelope are both a little over a year old now, but they still act like pernicious assholes, so I have been super worried about how they’d react.

I voiced my concern so Henry said he would strap Trudy to the wall if he had to.

“How are you going to do that?” I asked honestly, because no really how?

“ERIN, I CAN PRETTY MUCH DO ANYTHING!” he cried, giving me those crazy mountain man eyes he gets when I’ve given him one too many things to do in one day. lol forever.

Don’t worry. I kept a close eye on him to make sure he didn’t grab Trudy by the pussy. NOT ON MY WATCH, MOTHERFUCKER.

Trudy Twinkle Toes.

My only contribution was wrapping her with garland, which Henry yelled at me for because “LIGHTS ARE SUPPOSED TO GO ON FIRST, IDIOT.” Sorry, Father Christmas!

Chooch looks promising as an option for an auxiliary tree….

Thankfully, the cats were mostly blasé about the whole ordeal, save for several sniffs and curious peeks into the bins of decorations. But today was a brand new day, and it was like they were seeing it for the first time. However, most of their fascination lies with the tree skirt – Santa’s hat has a pom-pom on it and hoo-boy is it enticing. There’s been a lot of running and sliding into Trudy and bunny-kicking of Santa’s hat.

Trudy has a new wig for this season. Now she looks a bit more sophisticated and less like a candy cane floozy.

Whatever that means. I’m sick, remember.

Praying for a normal Christmas tree. Chooch hates Trudy. OH WELL, SUCKER. Stop trying to make me conform, tiny patriarchy!!

I always say that I’m picky when it comes to girl singers, and even looking back on my childhood, my mixtapes were predominantly filled with testosterone. So I decided today that I would share of the femme voices that do currently appeal to me, because I’m sick and have little energy for much else.

1. Petal: because Kiley Lotz is fucking precious. Also, Run For Cover is the best record label that ever labeled.

2. Julien Baker: because just literally thinking of her makes me cry. I started to say her name once to Henry and actually got choked up, which made him say, “OMG” and roll his STUPID BORING EYES.

3. Carly Rae Jepsen: because you knew she was going to be in the mix! Seeing her live (and meeting her, OMG MY HEART) last February was one of the few things that made it to the GOOD column of 2016. Sometimes I wake up and feel so sad that she’s not my BFF. </3 LOVE HER SO MUCH, YOU GET TWO VIDEOS.

4. Angel Olsen: Like her name implies, she is a goddamn angel and why haven’t we rollerskated together yet? (Side note: this was my pick for today’s Friday Video at work and Lauren said she is also now in love with her and also Glenn mumbled, “I like this.” Sometimes I win, you guys!)

5. Fisher: because 1999 vibes. I think I first heard of her back then because of the Great Expectations soundtrack, and then I bought “One” from CD Baby and played this motherfucker out. It was one of my “lay on the floor and cry into my cup of Manischewitz” albums. I saw her once ever, at Club Café with Henry in probably 2002 or something, and cried through the whole thing and then had to stop myself from falling into her and calling her “Mom” while she signed my CD.

6. Paramore: because I could listen to Hayley Williams sing Henry’s grocery list. And not to be That Guy, but I have been a Paramore fan since the first album (“Conspiracy” was a ringtone on my pink Motorola Razr, lol), when they were a scene band, and Hayley just gets better and better. For a while there, I would have to turn the channel anytime Zedd’s “Stay the Night” came on the radio because I would start crying – there is something about her voice that makes me feel like a bag of bricks has been dropped on my chest, and I mean that as the greatest compliment. Anyway, “Decode” will forever be my favorite Paramore song, and I especially love the Unplugged version because her voice is SO RAW AND FULL OF SADNESS HELP ME I’M CRYING RIGHT NOW.

7. CHVRCHES: because Lauren Mayberry’s elven space-voice paired with synth is like a dream come true for this synthpop fool over here. (Synthpop is my favorite music genre, thanks for asking.)

        8. PVRIS: because Lynn Gunn sounds      like no one else and mesmerizes me every time I see them live. The last time I saw PVRIS, I wept so hard that I gave myself hiccups what is wrong with me OR IS IT ALL JUST OH SO RIGHT? 

OK, that’s all for now because I feel like I’m losing consciousness. #WhenErinHasaCold I expect that you will watch each and every one of these videos! Lol. J/K. DO OR DON’T, I DON’T CARE, UGH.

P.S. Now that I’m thinking of it, Zedd’s “Clarity” ft. Foxes also made me ugly cry a lot when I would hear it on the radio, probably because IT REMINDS ME OF DUMB HENRY.

P.P.S. My all-time favorite female singer is Barbra Streisand, no shame.  #Babs4Lyfe #guilty

The wildfires in Gatlinburg have broken my heart. We had the good fortune to vacation there in 2011 thanks to our awesome friends Bill and Jessi. The resort we stayed in unfortunately did not escape the flames. Here’s some pictures & words from our first day there, when me n’ Gatlinburg became lovers. I will always associate this place with Bill & Jessi. So grateful they invited us there that year!

**************************************************************

Henry: “The Smokies are pretty big, you know.”
Me: “Yeah, like your asshole.”
Henry: “I don’t even know why I talk to you.”

We’re here! The trip down was not very eventful, except for THE MYSTERY HOLE which deserves its own post and I will do that when I’m home since I can’t get the pictures off the camera and am relying on my good ol’ iPhone to write this.

However, we did almost wreck minutes outside of our destination when some douchebag knocked over a traffic cone in front of us on the highway and Henry swerved into a barrel trying to avoid it.

I printed out two pictures of Jonny Craig to keep at my bedside while here. Henry was perturbed & disturbed by this, and threatened to stay home.

We did some grocery shopping in Pigeon Forge this morning and you know I hate that shit but no way was I passing up the chance to snicker openly at the Tennessee drawls dripping like honey over the Food City intercom system. However, Chooch and I were being a bit rowdy, maybe running around too much, because I began to notice that we were on the receiving end of some nasty glares from other patrons. So we left and went to some souvenir shop next door where I got a wonderous Jesus pen (he’s real Big In Tennessee):

Then Chooch got yelled at by a cashier because while I was trying to pay, he found an axe and was running around the store with it. True story.

Later, we followed Bill, Jessi and Tammy to downtown Gatlinburg which apparently is owned by Ripley’s. We had JUST gotten out of the car when Chooch bit down wrong on a candy bracelet and tears instantaneously sprung from his eyes. Then he was embarrassed because his idol Bill saw him crying so he started crying even harder.

I was able to calm him down and then Bill gave him a piggy back ride, which brings us to injury #2. Bill was bouncing Chooch up and down and didn’t realize that he had stepped underneath a store front roof and bashed Chooch’s face right off it.

BIG TEARS ensued. Because I’m such a great friend, I pointed out that this was the second time Bill had injured my kid via Piggy Back.

Bill bought him ice cream to make up for it and then took him to look at a mini golf course after he spontaneously started sobbing because he misses our cat Speck.

Later on, a cashier in another store asked, “Who knocked you upside the face, boy?” and we all joyfully got to point at Bill.

I guess I shouldn’t be so smug considering I turned out and smacked him in the OTHER EYE with my big fat camera. (Injury #3, if you’re using a scorecard.)

More BIG TEARS ensued, but at least there wasn’t an audience for that one compared to the veritable Dinner Theater that Bill had.

Chooch almost fell down a flight of steps too.

(Chooch, when you’re taken away from us & dumped in foster care, please try to remember the good times.)

In between all this, we went into some optical illusion exhibit where Bill slammed a door in Henry’s face, I bought some cheap but amazing rings and AMISH PEANUT BUTTER, Bill had his palate scorched by salsa and I had to try to be sympathetic but really I thought it was pretty funny, and Henry scanned the area desperately for a barber to shear his luscious Kristy McNichol locks.

Tennessee rules. Here are some more pictures:

I miss this stupid porch.

This was moments before The Accident. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets punched in the face by an overhang.

Minutes later: friends again. Are you serious? I’d have made Bill beg for it. Chooch is way too forgiving and he so does not get that from me.

He at least got an ice cream cone out of it. I’d have asked for more. Like maybe money. Lots of it. OR MAYBE HIS WIFE.

On a weener prowl.

Every other store was Jesus n’ guns. Henry was getting some pretty big ideas.

Trying to DROWN my kid now.

The courtyard inside one of the little shopping areas in Gatlinburg. It made me wish I was wearing a Snow White dress.  Or at the very least, a tutu.

There was even a shoe store that sold TOMS. I had to hold back from buying a houndstooth pair.

So, this was an interesting week for Chooch and telephones. We’re one of the many families that have eschewed a landline for cell phones, so Chooch has never known anything but a cell phone. However, he quickly caught on that if he knew Bill and Jessi’s room number, he could call them from the phone in our room. Trust me, he memorized that shit quicker than the Situation memorized the number the STD clinic.

But then this happened one day:

Chooch, holding the receiver out: Oh shit. I dialed the wrong number.

Me: Then hang it up!

Chooch, slams it down and then picks it back up: Ew, what’s that noise?

Me: Well son, that there is what the pioneers call a DIAL TONE.

It’s just so weird to me that  landlines are becoming so archaic that my 5-year-old is as confused as you or I would be if we had to send a telegram. Also, when I was five, I was playing on a motherfucking Speak and Spell, not a computer.

Now imagine his double-excitement when he got to stand inside a payphone.

Chooch wants to be photographed everywhere now, and he can be a little bitchy divo about it. “Not on THOSE rocks, THESE rocks!”

I’ve created a monster.

Chooch and Bill inside a genie’s bottle at some Optical Illusion attraction that was good for a few laughs.

Stupid me, I almost didn’t take a picture of him hugging the fiftieth wooden bear sculpture, but he made sure to school me in front of a bunch of strangers. Everyone laughed and thought it was so adorable. I was tempted to lift my shirt and show them the welts from where he beats me with a scalding poker.

Pretending to like each other.

Some of us do this thing at work where we share music videos on Friday morning. It started mostly as a means for me to force-feed my work friends all of the scene music I obsess over, and then Amber¹ will retaliate with a boy band and Amber² will send something featuring Michael Bolton on a horse, and then Glenn will be like, “Hold on, how do you spell Engelbert Humperdinck?” I think Todd fired back with some Paula Abdul “Rush Rush” action one time though and it felt kind of nice to be 12 again. And then Lauren won with TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART.

(The original, not that Nicki French snooze fest.)

Anyway, I’m sitting here alone at 11:30PM on an average Wednesday night, the Penguins just lost 3-5 to the Islanders, and my throat is starting to mildly hurt which in my mind means I’M DYING, when my friend Lizz Snapchatted me this video, and now I am laughing so hard by myself that I’m crying actual tears from the Women on the Edge collection, thinking of me and my work friends dancing like this on Friday as we share videos with each other.

TIME TO LAUGH MYSELF TO SLEEP.

When I saw that old arcade game sign at the antique store over the summer, I didn’t stop to consider how we would get it to hang on the wall because I keep a secret, all-purpose tool on hand AND HIS NAME IS HENRY. One of the great things about Henry is that he knows how to do things. Like, things that require tools to be done.

One of the not-great things about Henry though, is his proclivity to procrastinate. Which in turn makes me a NAG, but come on — there really is no good way to constantly tell someone to do something, you know? That fucking sign sat on our chair for nearly 4 months before Henry finally heard my desperate nags. Probably because he finished binge-watching Person of Interest on his phone.

I decided that first, we needed to paint the wall because I felt that the Mouse Attack sign wouldn’t POP as much with a white background. Of course, Henry sighed wearily at this because he’s so sick and tired of painting walls. We had some pink leftover from our bedroom, so I decided he could just use that because I love pink so, so, so much. So he painted that on Thanksgiving, and naively thought he was finished, but I was like, “Oh, lol – sorry, did I forget to tell you that I want stripes?” And he just hung his head in response.

I wonder how Henry feels about living in Erin’s Playhouse? Lol, wait—who cares.

We woke up bright & early on Saturday and I was ready to get the home improvement show on the road. So basically after Henry properly fed us and Chooch and I fought 7 seven times, we were ready to go to Lowe’s by 11:30. Typically, I would just stay home but I needed to pick the color of the stripes Henry would be adding to the pink  wall.

Henry’s favorite activity: a trip to Lowe’s with Chooch and me tagging along like drunks!

Chooch and I fought over that, too. We picked hues of blue that were literally .0004 shades away from each other and henry was just like OMG THEY ARE BASICALLY THE SAME?! We went with my choice obviously but then henry remembered that we’re poor and we were looking at the premium people paint, so we had to start the deliberating process all over again in front of the poor people paint swatches.

We went with Summer Splash.

Then it was time to look at booples and woodles, and lurvies and blurbies.

You know, things that Henry needed to hang up the Mouse Attack sign.

Like I said earlier, this is the part I didn’t think of. My mind moves like this:

1. Sees old arcade sign on floor in shop.
2. NOW IT’S ON MY WALL, ALL LIT UP AND SPARKLY!

I don’t fuck with the in-between.

Apparently, this was going to be a Big Project, because we were hanging it on the wall above the fireplace, and if you’re like me, you’re thinking, “But a wall is a wall is a wall.” I learned that this is untrue! And that this particular wall was pretty much the worst wall in the whole entire house because there are BRICKS behind it, because FIREPLACE = CHIMNEY. And Henry was concerned because he didn’t know if the bricks behind the wall were neat and orderly or just basically piled in a heap.

So he had to consider things, which he did while I painted my nails, drank coffee, watched music videos, updated my secret avocado toast porn blog — you know, Erin things.

This is how he knew he needed to go to the METAL SHAPES AND RODS AISLE!

Wow, this is an aisle that exists. I was there!

“Boring. Dumb. Stupid. Idiotic. Wrong,” I said as Henry selected and examined metal shapes and rods. He was starting to get very irritated when Chooch came barreling into us.

“Did you hear that announcement about aisle 13?” he panted. “Well, I was there when it happened.”

Wait—-did we know that Chooch wasn’t with us? Eh. Oh well. He’s here now and that’s all that matters!

Also, I decided I didn’t want to know what happened in aisle 13 while Chooch was there.

Meanwhile, Henry was trying to sound cool by talking about how he was buying brackets or something to mount to the wall, and I was like, “For what?”

He looked at me like I was stupid or something.

“To hang up your fucking sign!” he cried incredulously.

“That seems really involved,” I said around a yawn. “You should just use a magnet.”

“Oh, yeah, OK. A magnet,” he scoffed. “And how are we attaching the magnet to the wall?” he asked in that infuriating Dad Who’s Also an Industrial Arts Teacher tone that seems very specific but not when you know Henry.

“Glue,” I shrugged. “No! Another magnet!”

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Henry mumbled as he elbowed past me.

In some other boring aisle, we were naturally in some guy’s way, so he gently placed a hand on Henry’s shoulder and cordially said, “Excuse me, buddy.” I immediately started shaking with laughter because LOWE’S BRO CODE. Henry flashed me the “STOP IT” look, which everyone knows is the worst thing to do.

Tool World: I’ll say!

This was the section where Chooch and I were getting so out of control and causing scenes that Henry banished us to the Christmas decoration aisle. :(

Don’t worry, he came to fetch us when he was ready to check out, and that’s when we learned that a cashier has to come over to examine the goods when you’re using the self-check out if there are plants involved in the transaction, because people try to steal things in trees!

“You’d be surprised the things we see people try to sneak out of here inside larger plants and trees,” the Lowe’s guy laughed. “But uh, I think you guys are good to go,” he said, pointing to the tiny cactus Chooch bought.

I learned something at Lowe’s!

Sunday morning, Henry painted the stripes and it was exactly how I envisioned! I waited until he was finished to tell him that my color scheme inspo was Miami Vice and his frown leveled-up to a scowl. Why though, Miami Vice ruled.

I’ll spare you the boring details, because to be honest I wasn’t paying attention to most of the process, which required MEASURING and me fetching Henry his LEVEL which I proudly announced, “I KNOW WHAT THAT IS!” And then there was another moment when he made me mark the wall with a pencil while he held one of this metal shape things and you know I did a lot of huffing and puffing about that, because I was in the middle of playing a game on my phone, you know?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BNa4l0GDp6Z/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

Anyway, I remember that there was a lot of drilling, and then TA DA! My damn arcade thing was mounted to the wall!

AND I LOVE IT. This is what I pictured that day in July when I saw this poor, abandoned Mouse Attack sign languishing alone on the floor of an antique shop. It needed to be a centerpiece! And my house needed upgraded to the next tier of tackiness.

Henry and my friend Shawn still have to figure out a way to modernize the light source inside of it, but I’m just super thrilled that it’s on the wall and not collecting dust on the floor anymore.

Thank god Henry knows how to do these things. Otherwise, there’d be a lot more duct tape on my walls.

Some things:

• I hate that I share “sore winner” traits with Trump. At least I have (marginally) better hair. 
• I had the day off today and had every light on in the house for no reason other than I’m wasteful, which Henry was not thrilled about when he came home. 
• The Affair is back on and I still hate Noah!
• Watched the Gilmore Girls reboot over the weekend and my heart feels like it free-fell through a paper shredder. Lisa and Octavia texted me to make Henry:Luke comparisons and I’m like IKNOWGUYZ! I thought a lot about it during my day of doing nothing, and it made me wonder if he was sent to me by my Pappap, because NO ONE else could have the patience and ingenuity to make me happy. Henry is the ultimate Luke. Sorry, but this year has promoted me to whatever level is above emo and all I do is think about super mushy things and cry my ugly face off. 
• Don’t worry, no GG spoilers.
• Remember the derelicts who are working next door? Well, they apparently were fighting so bad at 2am that Henry woke up and wondered if he should call the cops but someone beat him to it, so awesome – the people who aren’t even technically living next door to us have already had the police break up a domestic dispute. HOW DID I SLEEP THRU THIS? I let myself down. 
• I want to adopt something, maybe a kid,  but Henry said no. :( Maybe I’ll just do an imaginary adoption after I get imaginary married. 
• Bumper cars are expensive. 

• Someone bought two sets of my Dahmer Christmas cards! This is definitely my most popular Xmas card design. Today, I made a new BTK one for this year, so you should ch-ch-check it out!
• I also painted something today and did gospel aerobics so I guess my day off wasn’t TOO unproductive. 
• Oh and I listened to Balance & Composure! You’re shocked. 
• We’ve had these cats for almost a year & everyday we have to get them to remember us, like it’s 50 fucking First Dates.  They give us Stranger Danger stares and then, “Oh yeah, you guys.” 
• My tattoo is still in the OMG ITCHY phase and I’m driving Henry nuts with my whining but that could be any day, really. 

• Chooch ruins every picture on purpose. He has to actually try though, whereas it comes naturally for me. I win again! SUCK IT! IM THE BEST AT BEING UGLY!
• I still like The Walking Dead. Sorry, guys. 
• Henry’s eating yogurt. 
• He just said “So what? You’re so dumb.” HE CALLED YOU GUYS DUMB. 
• This one time last week, Gayle sewed a pompom back on my poncho thing and it was a super big deal (for no one but me):

• I bought an old wheelchair over the summer but everyone is too afraid to sit in it because the seat is like wicker sort of so it’s just been chilling here looking pretty but then I decided to use it as a supplement to the beverage buffet, so it’s now a bar cart! We’ll see how well that works when I have a holiday party here in a few weeks. 

• I’m a sad doll lately. 
• I offered Henry one bullet point but he said no. 
• When I woke up Saturday morning, I became extremely sad that Henry isn’t Dracula. Ugh. 
• I changed Penelope’s name to Peen Lop. She answers to it. 
• Remember when Henry told me I was overreacting over the people next door and now he’s complaining about how they woke him up at 2am? LOL. 
• Last week I was on my way to work and someone sat next to me on the trolley which is usually never good and then to my surprise, he said, “Erin?” So my knee-jerk reaction was to say no but then it ended up being my high school Lawson so it was OK! I haven’t seen him since I was 17 so wow, that was a long over-due reunion. Lawson was part of L.A.M.E. (Lisa/Ang/Melissa/Erin – the boys in our crew didn’t get to be a part of the acronym) and man we had some ridiculous/fun/stupid times together. I never see anyone I know on the trolley (mostly because I hide behind my hair) so that was a really great start to the day!
• I briefly considered learning how to cook but then I got bored before I could finish the thought in my mind. 
• OH YAY THE ASSHOLES NEXT DOOR ARE HOME. 
• I don’t have another show to go to until December 12th :(
• OMG for like 7 years I’ve been telling Henry I want Flex Seal (I might need it for something—YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I DO) and he’s always waving me off but a commercial for it just came on and now all of a sudden he’s like “That’s what we need.” UM NO SHIT?! Apparently, he has an actual use for it and doesn’t just want to buy it because it seems like a cool thing to have. 

• Peen Lop, boys and girls. 

That’s all. You’re dismissed. 

Last Saturday was such a day of highs and lows that I have been putting off even summarizing it because I get so angry and then happy and then angry and do you see how this is a cycle!? But here it goes.

• It started out on a high. I woke up and listened to music, which is my favorite thing to do. Weekend music is the best because I’m not in a rush trying to get ready for work or whatever, so I can just be LEISURELY with it and really hear it. We listened to the new Saosin record, and by we I mean me and Drew. Drew loves the record player.

• And then came a low! One of my friends on Facebook posted about the Hamilton/Mike Pence debacle. I commented, saying something about how Trump’s tweet regarding it was probably the funniest thing I’ll read all day, and there were maybe two or other people who commented as well. No one was particularly heated with their words. But then, THANK GOD, some dude rolled up and started off his comment with: “I only see women commenting here, so I as a man shall interject.” He went to essentially offer nothing of importance or value, but thanks man, for reminding me that my vagina renders my opinion useless! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong people. My friend’s post had literally nothing to do with gender. NOTHING. I am so easily ruffled anymore that this actually came close to making me grab a hammer and go hogwild on gender barriers. I started to reply to this asshole’s comment, but then stopped and asked myself: “Is this worth it? Do you really want a bunch of Facebook notifications ruining your evening?” No. No, I didn’t want that. So I closed out of Facebook and Henry gave me a hug and muttered something about “Please don’t lop off my penis, please remember I’m not one of the bad guys. I am a feminist. I PAY MY DUES EVERY DAY BY LIVING IN THIS HOUSE WITH YOU.”
• Henry and I met Blake and Haley at the Smiling Moose for dinner. This is one of my favorite places, with some really grade A company, so this automatically goes into the “high” column. I was still kind of simmering over the mansplaining incident, so I had TWO BEERS and if you know me, you know that I’m not much of a drinker anymore (drinking made me fat as fuck in my 20s). I had two pumpkin beers because I’m still taking baby steps. However, I finally had Pumpking after years of being told that, as someone who can barely gag down a Summer Shandy, I wouldn’t like it. WELL JOKE’S ON YOU FOOLS BECAUSE I DID! It also made me pretty drunk, though. And also if you know me, you know that me being drunk can go one of two ways: adorably precocious or FUCKING BELLIGERENT BIOTCH.

• Which leads me to the ultimate low of the day: the Hands Like Houses show at Diesel, where I was a FUCKING BELLIGERENT BIOTCH. Now let me make some excuses for myself here, because I truly believe that my environment had a lot to do with my intolerance for humanity. Diesel sucks as a music venue. It’s a nightclub and should only be used as such. I had one good experience there and it was last June when I was at a show with only 20 other people. It was chill as fuck. This show was way too crowded for this venue, and also it started an HOUR EARLY with NO NOTICE, so by the time we got there, not only did we miss the first band (Out Came the Wolves) but all the decent spots were taken. Also, since the show was on a Saturday night, this brought out all the fair-weathered concert goers who were mostly there to party and get drunk, and apparently Diesel wasn’t relegating the drinkers to the upstairs area like most clubs do. Nope, they were ALL AROUND ME, sloshing their Bud Light around and putting my surly face in the background of all of their salacious Snaps. By the time The Color Morale came on, I was so angry that I was shouting at people and making angry, intense eye contact at the Tallest Guy In the Room who felt compelled to STAND ON A PLATFORM in front of me. I HOPE HE THOUGHT I WAS A WICCAN BECAUSE THAT’S THE VIBE I WAS GOING FOR WITH MY WITCHCRAFT GLARE. And then it was time for co-headliner Our Last Night, who I have seen twice before and they do nothing for me, and by this time, it was so crowded that I couldn’t breathe and so many people were scream-talking around me and I just kept running my mouth, and running it and running it and running it, and Henry was giving me  the “Please, not here, not now. Please don’t make me take a punch for you. I only LOOK rugged, but 16 years with you has turned me into a pile of buttercream and craft patterns, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME BE A MAN.” I knew that I had to leave. I love Hands Like Houses, but I was honestly losing my fucking mind, standing in that sleazy pit of Big Night Out yinzers and so I looked at Henry and said, “We need to leave. Like, now.” And Henry did a little twirl before happily leading me out of Diesel, but not before I loudly scoffed, “THIS VENUE SUCKS” as we walked past the asshole in charge, who apparently admitted that he knew for hours that the show’s time was pushed ahead but was “too busy” to update the Facebook event page. Fucking amateur.
  • Two small highs happened though, one was the numerous times I got to see my Aussie baes in HLH milling about behind the scenes and I got all day-dreamy thinking about them taking me home to Canberra with them, where I could relive the week I spent there in 2000. And the second was when Garrett Rapp from A Color Morale was being accosted by fan-bros right behind Henry, and I tried to push Henry into him while shouting, “HENRY THERE HE IS! TELL HIM WHAT YOUR FAVORITE SONG IS!” And Henry’s frown grew so large that he was able to step into it like a pair of pants and disappeared into the world of Leave Me Alone.
• On the way back to the car, we past the old Schwartz Market, which was full of art now. I slowed down a little to get a better look, at which point some hippie woman smoking in the doorway said, “Come on in!” and grabbed me by the arm and led me through the door, at which point Henry was like, “Yeah, I’m good” and stood outside by himself while I was given a cup of HOT APPLE CIDER and a delicious vegan pumpkin pastry while learning all about the For One Peace Cooperative, a group of amazing creative-types who hang out and make art while also doing things to bring the community together, like organizing coat drives for the homeless, etc.  I was in the for about 30 minutes I guess, talking to Joe—he appeared to be the leader, and he showed me a watercolor technique using coffee filters, because he has multiple sclerosis and it’s difficult for him to hold paint brushes. I told him about the horrible experience I had down the street at Diesel, and he said, “Everyone stumbles in here for a reason.” I’ll say. It happened so fast that I can’t even remember now how I went from casually looking in the window to eating their food. And then, as I was signing up to be a part of their group, Joe excitedly told me that soon they’ll be cleaning up litter by the river. “Women are getting jumped by the river,” some guy mumbled around bites of vegan food. “Yeah, that’s fucked up,” Joe murmured, looking at the ground. “But, we’re not sending her to the river alone!” And then looking back at me, Joe reiterated, “We’re not sending you to the river alone. We”ll be in groups, and it will be during the day, of course!” And I just laughed because I already loved my new crew. When I met up with Henry and excitedly recounted all of this to him, he just frowned and muttered something about a cult. “You wouldn’t understand, Henry. You had to be there,” I said dismissively. “It’s about community.” Henry looked at me, all aghast, and cried, “You don’t even like community!” Yeah, that was the OLD Erin. But now I’ve been saved now I have a crew. I even let Joe hug me and I liked it. I’m basically a hippie now.

After I got my tattoo Wednesday night, I was walking down Carson Street waiting for Henry the Chauffeur to pick me up, and one of the guys I met from the co-op walked by. “Hello!” he said cheerfully, and I was like, “OMG HI YOU REMEMBER ME!” because I have this complex where I’m certain no one ever remembers me, even less than a week later. I was so excited to tell Henry when I got in the car!

“Who!?” Henry asked. And then, “Oh.” Whatever Henry. He’s just allergic to tie-dye, I guess

So our fridge was slowly dying because why not? ANYTHING GOES IN 2016!   Finally last week, Henry declared, “Ok we need to get a new fridge now before we don’t have one at all” and so he picked one out but I was like THIS IS NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH and then he showed me the prices of INTERESTING FRIDGES and I was like “SO BORING FRIDGE IT IS!”

But by the time Henry finally chose one that he felt confident would fit through the narrow kitchen doorway, it was Saturday and our fridge had officially bit it.  And then when Henry went to hit the big fat ORDER button, our electricity went out and he had to wait for the computer to reboot.

EVERYTHING WAS AGAINST US.

Let me use this space to type out my millionth Thank God For Henry shout-out of the year because if I lived alone, I never would have considered “cubic feet” and if the doors can come off and switch sides so that they don’t slam against the wall when opened. WHO WOULD CONSIDER THESE THINGS?! Henry would. That’s who.

If it were left up to me, there’d be an Erin-shaped hole in my kitchen wall right now and good luck watching TV around the too-big fridge chilling in my living room.

So the fridge was supposed to be delivered Monday night but Best Buy waited until 8pm to leave Henry a voicemail saying that “Oh btw the fridge is out of stock, see ya Saturday!”

WHAT THE FUCK BEST BUY.

Docile Henry called them back the next morning and got them to put us on some priority list but because it was out of stock, the best they could promise was Friday. So let’s just say we’ve been eating lots of noodles and take-out this week.

Uh, good thing we weren’t hosting Thanksgiving up in here! LOLFOREVER. LOLCORNUCOPIA. It would have to be a “bring your own food” event. Like, all of the food. We’ll provide the chair.

*********

After not having a fridge for a week, the delivery guys are finally here setting it up which means Chooch and I are hiding upstairs, giggling like hyenas. Chooch thought they left at one point and went flying down the steps only to run right into one of them, who cheerfully greeted him with a, “What’s up, buddy?”

“Nothing,” Chooch said, before running upstairs where we cracked up together from our hiding spot in my room.

My favorite part was when Henry was outside talking to the delivery guys and Chooch opened my bedroom window and screamed, “YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!”

“I can just picture Henry down there with his hands on his hips, desperately wanting to help them,” I laughed.

“Yeah like, ‘hey man I like your tools—is that an x360 WRENCH?! Did you know I was IN THE SERVICE?!'”

We are fucking dying.  Now Chooch is creeping on the staircase, recording them.

Ok now they’re gone and we came out of hiding. Henry said I should have stayed down here because one of the guys kept talking about HOW MUCH HE LOVES THE ART IN OUR HOUSE.

HELLO THAT IS MY OWN ART HE IS TALKING ABOUT.

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Yay, now we can go buy food! Lol, I mean yay now Henry can go buy food. And now I can hang my magnets back up!

Oh how I missed the sweet melodic hum of a fridge.

LIVIN’ LARGE, BABY.

I never get into the Black Friday festivities of fist-fighting over a microwave or leaving the house at 3am for Uggs or whatever. I don’t even know what the HOT ITEMS are these days. Because – not a grown-up.

What I am interested in is all the holiday merch and limited edition pressings that my favorite bands have been rolling out today! It’s one of the small and few pleasures I still have in life SO BACK OFF EVERYTHING ELSE SUCKS. 

I was lucky to snag a limited edition anniversary vinyl of Alexisonfire’s Crisis album (my favorite) which was no easy feat because their website kept crashing because hello Alexisonfire! Even Henry was trying to buy one. 

I drool every time I look at this. I love you, AOF. 

And then Dance Gavin Dance released their holiday bundle, which includes SALSA (their song Chucky vs the Tortoise has lyrics about pico de gallo which has spawned a ton of memes) and a COCAINE CRINGEFEST CREW NECK which is hilarious because when their album was released, everyone thought the lyrics were Cocaine Christmas and DGD was like NO IT’S CRINGEFEST and the fact they made this crew neck made me laugh so hard that I started crying and then I was just straight up sobbing because 2016 has frayed my nerves, people. FRAYED MY FUCKING NERVES. 

So happy fucking Black Friday to me, I guess. This makes up for the fact that I had to work from 6am-noon. 

If I ever find someone foolish enough to propose to me, my registry is going to be on MerchNow. 

Chooch and I were walking home from getting coffee and hot chocolate on the boulevard and I blurted out, “I’m so excited about that Alexisonfire record — did you see how beautiful it is?!”

And Chooch said earnestly, “Honestly,  no one gives a fuck.”

:(

****

In other news, we had a nice, relaxing Thanksgiving just hanging out and spending time together without fighting or trying to meet any kind of familial expectations. I’m not ruling out traditional Thanksgiving dinners in the future, but for right now, this is good. 

We ended up at Denny’s and while it mainly just had the feel of a basic, every day dinner, we laughed a lot and made fun of Henry and it just felt right, you know? Like don’t cry for us, Argentina. 

<3