Jul 312017

6:29am: We’re on our way out of Toronto and I am so sad! I would totally live here. I feel like this was one of the few times where we came somewhere specifically for a concert but managed to make the most of our time here. This is the first time we’ve been on our car since we got here on Friday! Fuck cars! Toronto’s public transportation is way better than Pittsburgh’s (I mean obviously). 
I am going to have such terrible withdrawal from this weekend. :(

Meanwhile, Halsey’s voice really grates on me sometimes.

6:38am: we just drove past a movie theater and I haven’t heard of one single movie being played. That’s how infrequently I watch TV these days. At first I was kind of horrified that I’m so out of the loop, but now I think I’m glad for it. 

7:35am: “How did the sun get in front of us? It was behind us when we left…” – Pondering, with Head-Scratching Hank

I had to suck it up and get a latte from Starbucks. It’s fine. 

Henry just sneezed and I didn’t say bless you because in Korea, blessing people for sneezing isn’t a thing and I love that because it’s so stupid! Why do we make such a big deal out of sneezing?! Literally, someone got dust in their dumb nose and we’re interrupting our lives to give them a blessing that doesn’t mean shit because none of us are the fucking Pope no matter what the snakes under your bed tell you. 

8:17am: Just drove through Niagara – it costs $22 to park here! We’ve both been to the Falls numerous times so we were like FUCK THAT (THUNDERING WATERFALL) NOISE and also Chooch would probably murder us if we went without him. Sigh. I’m mostly only interested in the Clifton Hill tourist trap area but none of that kitschy shit is open yet anyway so WHO CARES. UGH. 

And now henry is yelling at the GPS which is my favorite part of road trips. #eyerollemoji

8:29am: Came back to US via the Rainbow Bridge this time and it was a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE. The Border Patrol guy was so nice and even joked with us and it took maybe 25 seconds to pass. Thanks, G-Dragon. <3

9:21am: Henry needed to pretend like he was earning a Boy Scout badge so we ended up stopping at the US side of the falls where we only paid $3 to park and an additional $2.50 (total) to go on the observation deck and take the elevator down to water. It was terrifying. My legs were shaking but not nearly as bad as they were shaking last night when G-Dragon was within literal feet of me. That will forever be the way I measure my leg-shake-age from now on. On a scale of one to GD. 

10:15am: Stopped at Uncle Joe’s Diner in Hamburg, NY even though one of the Yelp reviews was all ITS TOO FLASHY BOOOOO! We didn’t eat breakfast so I don’t give a shit if they say us next to Liberace in a fucking disco ball, ok, just fucking feed my face. 

10:42am: Oh my sweetly spanked Mussolini, this is the first wrap in about 13 previous wraps that was served to me as advertised. Thank you, Flashy Joe’s. 

Meanwhile I just started crying again because I never thought I’d be that close to g-dragon and henry just sighed, “Great, now the waitress is going to think something is wrong.”

11:22am: AHHH we just drove past a sign for Chatauqua Lake and I’m regaling Henry with stories from when my friend Kim and I went with our friend Liz and her family to their cabin there in 1992 and it spawned so many memories and inside jokes like U Nork and Smrobably and freaking out over Panavision and me listening to my Damn I Wish I Was Lover cassingle constantly on my yellow Aiwa Walkman. 


Our friend Kelli was supposed to go too but she had chicken pox and WE WERE ALL MAD AT HER ANYWAY SO WHO CARES. 

Oh middle school. 

1:01pm: We’re right outside of Mercer whatever that means. I’ve been AWOL for awhile because I’ve been making Henry rehash every last second of last night’s show like ahhhhhhh. He’s being a good sport about it. He’s excited because he saw three people there that we saw in a card shop in Koreatown on Saturday. (I only spotted one.) Henry is a gold medalist in people-watching. 

2:39pm: Almost home! In Dormont! (That means like 5 more minutes, FYI) Chooch is at the doctor’s office while his grandma is having her weekly therapy and he just called us from the bathroom acting like he was in a hostage situation. “Please come get me!” Lol. We also found out that Janna completely spoiled him rotten all weekend! He’s such a brat. We owe her big time for watching him. HAT TIPS ALL AROUND FOR JANNA!

Oh, and this happened too;

Janna said Chooch chose the podcast. His interests are very diverse. 

Ok I’m ending this now because I want to go in my house, flop on the couch, and start sobbing again about how magical my birthday was. I have the best boyfriend/non-husband. 

Jul 282017

OMG WE’RE ON OUR WAY, G-DRAGON! Today is definitely a live-blogging occasion. 

7:47am: We’re officially on our way to Toronto and Henry has  already called someone an a-hole and a dickwad because he’s so fucking PG-13 (and no it wasn’t me!). Oh wait, he just called me a smart ass and said it’s not too late for him to just drop me off at work. Ugh. (It’s true though – we’re going to pass downtown here in about 30 seconds. GOODBYE WORK FRIENDS!! I hope someone moves my face ahead one day on the calendar!)

When we were getting ready to leave, Henry found this in his suitcase:

Well-played, Chooch! 

Henry got some hipster trail mix that has mulberries in it. I haven’t thought about mulberries since I was a kid and my brother Ryan and I found mysterious berries on a tree in the backyard and ate the FUCK out of them, causing my mom to panic because she didn’t know what they were. Turns out they were mulberries and we lived to tell the tale! I used to call them “mmmmmmmmmul-hhahahahahahaaha-berries” in a weird throaty voice, who knows why. Also, I was like 13 when we were eating maybe-poison berries so I guess I should have known better? Henry said this isn’t surprising to him at all. 

8:24am: Hi me again. We just stopped at Sheetz because I was about to bite henry if I didn’t get coffee asap. He tried to explain to me what the “spill kit” is next to the gas pumps because I have literally never noticed it before – apparently its kitty litter-esque stuff to throw down on gas spills? I never would have guessed that. “Yeah you would just panic and leave if you spilled gas,” Henry sighed, and then I went into Sheetz and ordered my coffee and breakfast and paid for it without waiting for henry because I couldn’t stand there for another fucking second without my morning medicine. Henry acted all sad when he finally came in and saw that I was already waiting for my order. “You paid already?” YEAH HENRY I DONT ALWAYS NEED YOU OK?!

No wait come back, j/k!!

9:32am: just spent the last 30 minutes talking about teeth and now my entire mouth feels so sensitive ugh. I’m very obsessed with teeth & have recurring nightmares of losing mine. Ughhhh. 

10:34am: It wouldn’t be a road trip if we didn’t stop at Target to buy all the things we forgot to bring. 

Seriously though there are mulberries in our trail mix. 

10:42am: I was super sad to say goodbye to Chooch, btw. I told him last night that I’m going to miss him so much and in typical Chooch fashion, he said, “I’ll miss you too, but….we live together and see each other every day. Sometimes I need a break.”


I still hugged him this morning like Elmyra from Tiny Toons hugging a squirrel. 


11:13am: Once we cross the border, i gotta dip into airplane mode until we get to a place with wifi, so if I go silent for awhile let’s hope it’s for cellular reasons and not because I was arrested at the border because someone turned me into a drug mule in my sleep. 

On that note! Here’s a G-Dragon video that you should definitely watch and appreciate his porcelain beauty (fun fact: the word that’s being beeped out is the Korean word for bastard):

11:35am: It’s way past time for my second coffee injection and Henry is NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. I keep growling and he’s just like, “Ok scary dog, calm down.” I’m about to rip his beard off and turn it into a motherfucking merkin. 

11:54am: Hi guys we just stopped at a rest area in “some stupid place in NY” according to Henry’s atlas, and we got to cross the highway on a walkway! I LOVE THESE KINDS! Here are some exciting photos:

Henry was less stoked about walking through this thing than I was. 

Yeah boi!!

Anyway wow what a cluster of a rest area. Henry cried because he couldn’t get a pretzel (“THERE WERE TWO LINES MERGED INTO ONE! PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!”) but I got an iced latte at some kiosk serving “ITALY’S FAVORITE COFFEE” (LaVasomething) so I just calmly giggled at Henry’s irrational madness and waved him off with a Parade Queen hand. OH SILLY HENRY. 

I also got to see some girl trip and I like things like that. What a wonderful rest stop experience. 

12:23pm: Passing Buffalo. I haven’t been here since 2008, when I met shitty Jonny Craig. 


Crossing the Peace Bridge to the border! 

See you later, friendos! I’ll keep all my updates in Notes so I can barrage this thing with them later! Hopefully we don’t get stopped and searched at the Border! Henry asked why would we and I was like because you look like you just came down from the mountains for the first time in 18 years after writing a Manifesto? I mean le duh?




He asked why we’re visiting and henry was all, “oh um uh uh conc—-leisure….leisure concert.” ?????

The guy asked who’s playing and henry was like G-DRAGON in the most unnatural voice ever and how was this man in the fucking SERVICE?! 

1:05pm Thank god we didn’t have to wait very long before someone came over and took our YELLOW SLIP. he asked why we were visiting and we went through another round of A CONCERT. 

Who you seeing?


And then a knowing head nod but DO YOU REALLY KNOW?

So he sent us inside for an ID check and there was no one else there shockingly so we strode right up to the counter and went through the THIRD G-Dragon exchange with the guy at the counter who ran a background check on us and asked “is there anything I’m going to find?” and I said no but my head was swirling with uncertainties. I DONT KNOW IS THERE?! There are parts of my life I can’t remember! God only knows what I may have done!

1:30pm: Everything’s in kilometers and I just don’t know. 

1;52pm Obligatory Tim Hortons stop. The restroom faucet didn’t recognize my American hands and we struggled. Then henry got a handful of change back and we struggled some more. 

Back in the car. I made him change the 90s r&b station because I’m not ’bout that life anymore. So the very next station that came up is playing POPULAR ROMANIAN DANCES! I’m way more Korean now than I am Romanian but I was like STOP THE SEARCH! THIS IS THE STATION!

Meanwhile one of those Great Lakes is next to us and I keep getting creeped out. 

2:14pm: We just crossed over some large bridge into Burlington (I guess?). I took a huge whiff and cried, “Aw it smells like a water ride! It smells like the Log Jammer!”

“That’s a sewer,” Henry calmly inserted. 

3:04pm: In Toronto, mostly!

My first impression is one of unease. Every building is glass! It’s so much glass! It’s a city of glass!

5:05pm: Just finished dinner at The Peasant Table with my friend Chris (not of Chronica fame) whom I haven’t seen since the last time the Cure was nominated for a Grammy (2001 you dum-dums)!

6:23pm: Ugh Chris left to go back home to St. Catharines – it sucked saying goodbye after finally seeing each other after 15ish years! I was afraid it might be awkward because I’m so socially backward now but it was like we hang out all the time, plus we talked about Marcy [RIP] because he knew her. 


Now we’re relaxing for a bit in our airbnb that Chronica recommended to us and our host Mark is great — I mean, I guess he is! Henry has talked to him like three times already and I keep missing him so he probably thinks I’m some stuck/up hoebag. 

But yeah anyway after dinner we got ice cream at Ed’s even though I wanted Sweet Jesus but the one in this area is just a window and I want to go to the one I saw in some asshole vlogger’s video because it seems more Instagram-worthy and yes I AM THAT TACKY. Ed’s was supposed to be famous but it was just so-so. I had the Leslieville Honey and it was alright. 

Henry ordering poorly (cherry sorbet, dumb). 

We strolled around for a bit and I saw a million places I wanted to go into but I’m trying not to buy things because the Kpop lifestyle has broken me (although there IS a swag lamp I’m considering going back for). I also learned that pedestrians can push a button and THEN POINT AT CARS TO STOP DRIVING so that they can cross the street — how can this work?! But we pushed the button and surivived!


We had a really great talk with Chris about the state of America and it’s always interesting to hear things from a non-American perspective. Chris also explained Canadian monies and gas prices to Henry. Ugh, such adulting. 

Henry felt threatened by Chris’s beard though. 

8:25pm: OK UPDATE. We rested for a bit and then came out to explore. I made henry pose for pictures which typically Chooch would be sourced out for. He wasn’t thrilled, but he obliged because GUESS WHOSE BIRTHDAY WEEKEND IT IS. 

I had to cross the street and wait for a bus to load before being able to take the above picture but I was motivated.  

I think this nose belongs to a bar with no name? Never mind—Henry just googled “Leslieville nose” and found out but I’m too tired to type it though—/ it’s Italian small plate comfort food.  

We stopped so I could medicate with coffee at Tango Palace and now I know what’s missing from our back porch: a huge, protruding statue. 

Henry doesn’t drink coffee so he was super unimpressed.

Henry said he couldn’t imagine why everyone keeps looking at me and then remembered I’m a Ladychild with flashy-yet-juvenile accoutrements. In this case: my shiny ray gun purse. I mean they certainly aren’t admiring my face. 

Then we stopped st some drug store to buy a brush because it’s rule to have to stop at least twice in a trip to buy shit we left at home, and henry was so smug because he was able to pay in coins thanks to Chris’s tutorial. 

Right after, we walked past some people speaking Korean and I started to cry. Henry had the “oh for gods sake” lip-twist. 

We’re currently sitting at Hi Lo, a bar that’s totally my speed—kind of divey but not gross. Henry is trying to determine if our drinks were expensive. Except that now I’m complaining because I’m hungry again and henry is all, “We should have went somewhere that has food but you picked this place” and I defensively said “yeah because I liked the lights???” I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING ACCUSED OF SOMETHING OK. 

I’m drinking a KW Craft Cider and it’s probably the plainest-tasting cider I’ve ever had but the ambiance of this place balances it out so I won’t get all haughty on Yelp. 


8:51pm: OH SHIT WE’RE AT KABOOM CHICKEN – come at me, kimchi fries!!

9:01pm: ok I’m in tears. This is religion. Gochujang mayo. Kimchi. This is everything. 

Henry got k-popcorn chicken!!! KPOP-corn chicken!! DYING. THIS PLACE IS THE LIMIT.  I kept rolling  my eyes back and henry was like bitch plz. 

9:48pm: We’re back at Mark’s pad and I am fucking tired and half-drunk. I think I need to sign off. Tomorrow is Koreatown+additional exploring! I even brought my real camera! 

Jul 142017

This was Chooch’s first Warped Tour in 2013. Today will be his 5th Warped Tour and my 12th! I’m so excited!

I decided to live blog it because it’s the best day of the year (except not this year because G DRAGON will take that prize) and I like to remember every single detail!! (I tried this last year and it was ruined because of dumb life drama that interfered with my Best Day Ever, so let’s give it another shot, woo.)

  • 9:59am: We just stopped home after eating breakfast at Pamela’s because Warped Tour starts an hour and a half later this year so we had time for real breakfast! Now we’re watching a Boz Scaggs video (Look What You’ve Done To Me) lol and then we’re heading out! 

  • 10:46am: Almost to whatever they’re calling the amphitheater these days and the sun is out! It was raining all morning and looking pretty grim. I still brought my rain poncho just in case, which I bought when I was originally going to the Penguins victory parade and it was supposed to rain but then I didn’t go and it didn’t rain anyway, and then I brought it to KCON but it only rained for 5 minutes and not very hard so I didn’t open it, and then the furry parade too but I didn’t need it there either. So it’s still in the package. WILL I NEED IT TODAY OR NO?!
  • 11:08am WE’RE HERE! No one knows about our preferred line this year so it’s just and three Motionless in White fans. Chooch is getting lotioned-up and it’s hilarious to watch. 

  • 11:32am: CRISIS! Chooch got sunblock in his eyes and now everyone in line has to suffer with him. It’s glorious drama. 

  • 12:40pm: We’ve been inside for about 30 minutes and everything is wonderful! Chooch’s eye doesn’t hurt anymore because he saw Ainsley from Jule Vera and “kind of” talked to her sort of but mostly it was me talking to one of the guys because I’m Chooch’s handler. And then some guy knocked Henry’s hat off accidentally and said “sorry sir” lol it’s funny because Henry is old. We also saw some guy who swabbed us to become bone marrow donors at Riot Fest so we talked to him for a bit because Warped Tour turns henry and me into functioning adults with a good grasp on small talk and social cues. 

  • 1:11pm: Moderately interested in American Authors on one of the Journeys stages under the amphitheater, taking selfies. Chooch was dry-heaving because he thought he touched dried up Copenhagen (“You know, that stuff you dip” he said, STICKING THE SAME FINGER THAT TOUCHED IT TO HIS MOUTH TO DEMONSTRATE. Now who’s dry-heaving.)

American Authors being American and author-y. 


  • 2:19: I fell in love with Boston Manor, had a sample of Malteasers, ate delicious vegan cheese in the PETA2 tent, and got a FREE SLUSHIE!

Meanwhile, lakeshore is playing on the Hard Rock stage and I said to Chooch, “This sounds familiar, like something I would have listened to in 2008” and 12 seconds later Henry came back from the garbage can and said, “They sound familiar like someone we would have went to see in 2008.” wtf. I hate when we have the same thoughts. 

  • 2:38pm Literally having our eardrums pummeled all day long by the best assortment of bands and Chooch STILL wants to constantly talk and then gets MAD when we can’t hear him?!?! Like boy is this your first Warped Tour or what? Also Chooch just realized that there are spots throughout the Warped Tour program to have bands sign so now he wants to get every single band to sign it, GOOD LUCK. This isn’t Disney World, bro!

Chooch hounding the singer of Lakeshore for his autograph. 

  • 2:58pm: What’s worse–listening to Neck Deep or Chooch singing the Guacamole Song OR BOTH HAPPENING AT ONCE. 
  • 4:22pm: BREAKING NEWS Chooch’s eye hurts again. Now it’s because he has a slight sunburn from washing away all the sunblock during his earlier crisis. We’re sitting on the hill enjoying Microwave, which is ironic because our microwave died a few weeks ago and we haven’t cared enough to buy a new one yet. Also by “we’re enjoying” I should hope that you know I just mean me. Right before this I saw Movements and they were beyond excelsior. I saw them a year ago as well and couldn’t wait to see them again. 

Oh and oppa got Dance Gavin Dance shirts for Chooch & me. #SoSpoiled #MuchTerrible

  • 6:37pm: Taking a grass break after a bit of Silent Planet, chooch getting his picture taken with two guys from Gwar, being all close to Jule Vera, and then Henry and Chooch ditching me so I had to watch Hands Like Houses alone. 

This Slurpee picture is from hours ago but they just finally texted it to me. What we do for Slurpee coupons I guess.  

The guy taking the pictures for the Gwar signing was kind enough to take this slick selfie. I KNEW HE WAS DOING THAT TOO. He was wearing little leather speedos with a tail, aka Henry’s next Halloween costume. 

Chooch apparently talked to Ainsley from Jule Vera at their booth while I was at Hands Like Houses but I wasn’t there so I don’t believe it. 

  • 6:50pm: I’m sitting on a hillside, listening to Farewell Winters, and dreaming about the feast I’m going to have when I leave here. Also, remember when the waitress at Pamela’s told me she liked my nail polish colors and then Chooch said it reminds him of Chris’s house because she had M&Ms the same color and he said “had” because they’re gone now. Because he ate them. But no you wouldn’t remember that because I wasn’t live blogging yet!
  • 7:10pm: OMG my Dance Gavin Dance friend who is a manager at Journeys is here!!
  • 8:26pm: we’re in the amphitheater getting ready for DGD which means we have to endure Attila who are playing on the other stage. I can’t believe people like this shit. It’s so corny—like Limp Bizkit 2.0. I just realized they’ve only been playing for 6 minutes but it feels like an hour and my brain is crying. 
  • 9:17pm: Just got to the car. Chooch asked earnestly, “Did you have fun?” AW. AND ALSO: YES. 
  • 9:24pm: I’m bitching about how those young girls still look so fucking fresh and beautiful after a day of sweating at Warped Tour while my face looks like a Christmas ham. “You don’t look bad,” Henry said. I don’t look good either!

UPDATE FROM SATURDAY: wow so after my last update, we went to Sheetz where I projected over an overstuffed sandwich that I couldn’t eat,  but really I was just sick and delirious because I had a sun virus (henry said I was just dehydrated ok Doc Robbins PhD) and by the time we got home, I was ready to crash so that’s what I did after half-assedly washing my face (sorry Korean skincare regimin!)

I’ll be back with a post-Warped recap as usual but I just wanted to say that this was perhaps one of my favorite Warped Tours because Chooch’s attention span is definitely improving (lol), we all seemed to mostly like each other all day (guys, excessive heat and sun exposure can bring out some major wickedness in people don’t don’t like you”d be an angel out there), and there were some really wonderful small bands/hidden gems on the lineup this year. In fact, we didn’t go to the main stages at all this year. 

Ending with Dance Gavin Dance was just so supreme though. Can’t explain how that band makes me feel but it is some hybrid between exuberant and that lady who invented Prancercize. 

    Jun 252017

    9:24am: Gonna attempt to liveblog the drive home from Newark because the ride here was boring so maybe this will inspire me to spice it up for the sake of the Internet. I’ve been ready to go for an hour but Henry is meticulously packing everything like he’s leaving for the Army. Then he yelled GODDAMMIT and I thought he left his wallet at the Prudential Center or something but turns out he put his phone in his back pocket and accidentally tucked part of his shirt in with it — and that required such a zealous outburst I guess.

    I miss KCON.

    A LOT.

    9:33am: Goodbye, shitty airport Wyndham hotel. It’s amazing the difference in quality between this Wyndham and the one we stayed at Thursday night – that hotel was dreamy. Also, I’m wearing my KCON shirt while taking Chris’s survey about towels.

    9:52am: Less than 20 minutes in the car and we’re fighting over where to stop for breakfast. So, everything’s normal over here. Maybe henry should stop asking me to find restaurants because he has a reason to shoot down all of my suggestions, always. I’m retiring as Yelp-Looker-Upper after breakfast. THIS WILL BE MY SWAN SONG. DON’T LET ME DOWN, MR. APPLE PIE DINER.

    10:04: We’re here! Everyone hates me but this place has AMBIANCE AND CHARACTER. It kind of smells like pee in here though.

    So much brown and orange!

    I just sent Chooch to check out the bathroom sitch. He said it’s just normal and not creepy. “White walls, a toilet, garbage can, a sign that says Don’t put paper towels in the toilet, and someone wrote ‘dummy’ at the bottom of it.”

    This has been Chooch’s Bathroom Review.

    I ordered a veggie omelet. I have never had an omelet with green beans, carrots, corn and peas in it. Literally a whole bag of frozen vegetables. It was….different. Shoulda got the pancakes.

    But…those 1970s greasy spoon vibes, y’all.

    10:56am: Henry almost wrecked the car because he was so excited to see a Roy Rogers in Whatevertown, NJ.

    12:03pm: Just went to Hmart for the first time ever and Henry was a complete jerk and ruined my experience so it will be a loooooong drive home in silence.

    The best aisle.

    But I bought this G-Dragon thing so stuff it, Henry. (#terriblegirlfriendisterrible)

    We also got some doraji and it’s taking everything in me not to tear into it right now. We should have just skipped breakfast and ate at Hmart ugh.

    12:40: Henry is upset because of the full service gas station laws in NJ and dejectedly let some kid pump gas on his behalf. Then inside the gas station, henry and I made eye contact and started laughing so I guess we’re all made up now or whatever. Ugh.

    1:28pm: Henry’s GPS just said welcome to PA so I guess we’re in PA too bad we live clear on the other side of it and henry is taking the long way to avoid the turnpike.

    Some small town in PA, evidently.

    Meanwhile Chooch has been hounding henry for his wifi hotspot and we’re like, “Can’t you look out the window and find animals and weeners in the clouds like normal kids from the 80s?!?!” Oh I can’t STAND this generation.

    2:02: Ugh we just passed a sign for Scotrun and Henry and I both thought it said Scrotum. I hate when we think alike!!!!!!!!

    Smoky BBQ taste, I read that myself nbd.

    3:54pm: We are still so far from home and if I hear Chooch whine “daddy” one more time, I might actually put myself up for adoption. WE ARE ALL SO CRANKY. Except henry – he is perfectly prince-y.


    Me: Do you think I’m ugly?

    Henry: No.



    And now you know what this car ride is like.

    5:46pm: waved the white flag in our mission to find eating establishments open on Sunday in this area and had our concession meal at Sheetz. LIVIN’ LARGE. Chooch got spaghetti and complained about it like he forgot he ordered it at a gas station.  I had a veggie wrap which is what I always get from Sheetz but it wasn’t wrapped appropriately therefor changing the whole flavor and experience. Henry thought this was funny because I’ve had really bad luck with food on this trip. We ended up eating at the hotel restaurant Friday night after the show and the veggie wrap I got there was similar to my omelet from this morning: STUFFED WITH A BAG OF FROZEN VEGGIES. Only this mix had zucchini, squash, crinkle-cut carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in it. The kind of freezer section vegetables that make you think you hate vegetables when you’re a kid. NOT APPROPRIATE WRAP VEGGIES. And they were all watery too. I want, like, spinach, tomatoes, onions, olives, green peppers on my wrap. Those are wrap-worthy veggies!!

    6:25pm: What You Missed: my daily run-down of all the things I believe to be wrong with me. Once a hypochondriac….

    (I used to keep the Merck Medical Journal on my bedside table when I was a teenager. I once thought I had pleurisy, water-on-the-knee, and a quincy at the same time.)

    7:23pm: That feeling when Henry has to stop to pee twenty minutes from home. (What is: FURY.)

    7:36: YEAH BOY.

    Jun 052017

    Hello. Good morning. 안녕하세요.

    I decided that I would liveblog my workday because I haven’t done that in a while and quite honestly, I have nothing else to write about because everything in the world sucks, you know?

    And this morning sucks because it’s raining REALLY hard and I had to walk to the trolley thing and now I look like a drowned rat and my umbrella blew back and slammed me in the forehead and it HURTS and I made the mistake of telling Glenn.

    “Oh wow, Glenn has a smile on his face so early in the morning!” Catherine said when she walked back to her office with her coffee.

    “Yeah, because I injured myself!” I spat, and everyone laughed but NOT ME, I DIDN’T LAUGH.

    And then Todd said I should blog about the NBA finals because that would take my blog to the next level. NO.

    So, here’s my liveblog prologue. We’ll see how the day goes. Check back or don’t, I don’t care! Ugh!

    9:14am: Lauren just got here and I let her talk a whole lot before I told her that I’m liveblogging today and now she’s mad that I didn’t give her a disclaimer before she started talking. EVERYONE BETTER WATCH WHAT THEY SAY TODAY. Just kidding. I don’t want to get fired.

    9:36am: I can’t get an email to send and Todd just asked me if I pressed “send” and now I’m ready to flip a table!

    10:32am: Just had an argument with Lou (typical) and then we got an email about something to discuss at this afternoon’s meeting which I guess we’re still having because “But it’s raining” isn’t a good enough reason to not have one or something which seems dumb.


    Current candy situation ^^^ 

    Everyone seems on board with the current stash of candy I’ve provided, although there has been some heavy discussion on the Pollito Alvbros (???) which some people claim has a slight chicken taste to it.


    What nationality’s candy should we try next?! Glenn said we should do what Conflict Kitchen does and provide candy from the places that the US has conflict with, but given the temperament and idiocy of our current “leader,” that could pretty much be anywhere soon.

    11:50am: I just briefed Todd on the latest in the T.O.P. marijuana scandal (Glenn has his earphones in, acting like he doesn’t care), and Todd said, “Thank god it isn’t G-Dragon though. I don’t know what I would do with myself” and I said, “I KNOW RIGHT” before realizing he was being sarcastic, ugh.

    12:10pm: I’m currently eating one of these milk candies. They’re my favorites out of this recent candy batch because they’re Korean and I can read the package because my name is Erin and I’m amazing:

    12:31pm: Remember when I said I was amazing? I was just in the kitchen and I couldn’t open my packet of oatmeal and one of my co-workers had to help me and it was mildly embarrassing because I was really trying to handle that shit on my own. I think my grunts and whines of, “Ugh, I can’t do this!” gave me away. It’s not even good oatmeal that’s worth the struggle either. (That would be the dinosaur egg oatmeal that I left at home.) UGH RAINY MONDAY.

    Also, Lou has spoken to me 4 times without permission today.

    1:48pm: Just came back in from my lunchtime walk and guess what — it’s not raining anymore! Today still sucks though. Some homeless guy snagged me (they always do because I have that deer-in-headlights naivete about my dumb turtle face, I guess) and when I said I didn’t have any change, he decided he wanted to talk about the good ol’ days, so I felt compelled to be his audience as he wove yarns about being a carefree kid and how then you grow up and they only things you think about are life and death, and then he had a massive coughing fit, and now I’m fucking depressed, man.

    Also, I finally saw the Umbrella Sky Project at the Arts Festival that everyone has been posting about on Instagram and SORRY PITTSBURGH but my boo Seoul has one that’s much more fabulous, because: Korea.

    2:44pm: We just had our weekly meeting and talked extensively about patchouli. Now Glenn is leaving for the day after giving me zero fodder for this liveblog.

    2:55pm: UGH I was just filling in Amber on the whole T.O.P. pot scandal (Chooch gleefully pointed out that TOP is pot backward) and Todd started laughing. I called him out on it and he said that in his head, he was thinking, “Run, Amber, run.” SO RUDE!

    3:41pm: It’s raining again so this blog post title is still relevant. Also it started raining after Todd left for his lunch break so that’s what he gets for laughing at my somber Kpop talk.

    4:44pm: I picked a dumb day to liveblog. There is nothing happening here! So here is a special peek into Glenn’s locker thing:

    Amber1 and I put those dead flowers in there over a year ago I think inspite of Todd’s protests (I think he called us Mean Girls) and I’m not sure Glenn even knows it’s there.

    Um, all the other stuff is his, though.

    4:51pm: WENDY just came over to get candy from the magical candy pumpkin. “What are these?” she asked, holding up one of those aforementioned chicken lollipops so I got really mad and yelled, “IF YOU WOULD HAVE READ MY LIVEBLOG, YOU’D KNOW.” I mean, hello. Anyway, she is like totally grossed out because it’s the shape of a chicken on a spit, and Todd happily pointed out that I, the sanctimonious vegetarian, ate one of those. “There’s something you could liveblog about – your hypocrisy,” Todd suggested smugly and I was so mad. And then Lauren started cracking up because she was thinking of our conversation last week when I said the word “gleeking” and how we became concerned after the fact that it might not mean what I thought it meant. “My friend Chad Green taught me about it in fifth grade!” I cried defensively. “It’s when you spit from under your tongue, typically when eating something sour!” And then Lauren was all, “Oh great, I just trusted you based on something you learned from a fifth grade classmate!” I want to google it now but then it might take a turn like it did a few weeks ago when I was googling Iraqi candy shop.

    5:39pm: Hey you guyyyyyys. I’m here in the car with King Uber, aka Henry. He was like “I HAD TO CALL PAYPAL. I GOT HACKED! FOR $2.99! IT WAS FRAUD!” And I was like “You mean this app that Chooch bought?” and showed him the email that I got on my phone. So now Henry is mad that he has a fraudulent son. 

    Henry made me forward the email to him and he snapped, “WHY IS THERE HANGUL ON THIS?!” Because my email signature is in Korean? Le duh, oppa. 

    Plus, proof that it was raining today. 

    I just filled in Henry on my day. “I liveblogged today but it was boring. I think when people found out I was liveblogging, they quit talking to me.”


    6:06pm: Still in the car because traffic is terrible and now Henry is threatening to make me take the trolley HOME from work everyday now too as if one way isn’t terrible enough.  But anyway, I was just reminded of the best part of today, when I was in the elevator this morning and some broad said she liked my bag and in a cheerful voice that came from one of my happier personalities, I said, “Thanks it’s from the 80s!” And she was like “OK cool.”

    6:59pm: Henry’s supposed to be making my dinner but then Chooch interrupted with some kind of fabricated bike crisis and I’m just sitting here getting high off the wonderful tteokbokki fumes, but whatever who cares that all I’ve eaten today was crappy oatmeal and Korean milk candy. 

    7:29pm: my favorite part of the day! Dinner and Running Man!

    8:23pm: “No.” – Henry’s response when I asked him if he wants to say something for my blog. Now we’re watching the hockey game and I feel sick. Remember when I loved James Neal and called him my Prom Date? Well that doucher can fuck right off now. He just looks like a soap opera villain to me, like he was shot and pushed off a cliff by the ISA but then came back to life as a Nashville Predator with an uglier face. 

    8:41pm: A hearty head shake. That’s wat I got when I asked Chooch if he wanted to say a thing for my blog. STICK A FORK IN THIS THING, IT’S DONE. 

    8:47pm: Here’s a song for the liveblog. This came on my playlist on the car on the way home from work, causing me to dance zealously with my fists (i.e. rhythmically punching), resulting in Henry roaring, “OK!!!!!”


    9:00pm: Nashville fans are trash. TRASHVILLE. Go choke on a catfish. I find it so hard to enjoy hockey anymore. 

    9:53pm: Well, Henry ditched me about an hour ago for the sweet temptation of bed, leaving me alone with this dreadful hockey game and the ever-biased commentating of NBC. I painted my nails and have a headache but I think I will go and do some more kpopx while imagining that I’m stomping on the entire city of Nashville and their classless, twangy fans. I’M MAD. 

    10:20pm: crying over hockey and T.O.P. all at once because I’m a gold medal sobber. Boo fucking hoo. No cheesy kimbap for me. 


    I’d like to point out that I have been blogging since 2001 and this, my friends, this right here is the best I can do anymore. 

    11:14pm: Penguins lost and I just stress-ate a buttered bun while watching Drew hang off the window screen like she’s auditioning for the cat circus. This is real life, NO GLAMOUR, people!

    DREW JUST BROKE SOMETHING. Eh, Henry will clean it up in the morning. On his birthday. HAHA. 

    In other “blogging just to blog” news, I bought a new phone case and it’s supposed to be delivered tomorrow so no more Unicorn Tears after that. Don’t worry – my new one is certainly not anymore mature. 

    But it’s very accurate. 


    11:55pm: Well on that note, it’s almost tomorrow so I guess that’s my cue to wrap this shit up. Hopefully tomorrow is sunnier and less boring. I mean, it is Henry’s birthday after all. 

    Mar 252017

    Mayday, mayday. I’m here at Chooch’s school for something called Night at the Museum which was all a SICK RUSE but I’ll get to that in a bit. 

    I asked if I was going to be bored here and Henry was all “God yes, you’re always bored” while at the same time Chooch muttered, “Yeah. there won’t be any KPOP there, god forbid.”

    But then I asked if there would be cookies and Chooch said probably so here I am. 


    I had to pretend to care about some bitch’s SEASHELLS. 

    WOE IS ME. 


    But then I was actually enrapt in some tiny child’s display on inertia* and was all OH TELL ME MORE, OH YOU DONT SAY and as we walked away, I said to Henry, “HE WAS SO CUTE!”

    *LOL I just walked by and it was FRICTION not INERTIA so I guess I didn’t really care that much. 

    And under my breath, I creepily whispered, “Because he’s Korean!”

    I’ve seen many foes here so far and it’s only been 15 minutes. 

    Chooch and I made it almost to the top of this staircase, ignoring Henry’s warnings of “Don’t go that way. Don’t go that way. You can’t go that way” and then when we looked up and saw the caution tape, it all started making sense. 

    There were witnesses. 

    Meanwhile in the cafeteria, they have a table of food set up, food from Ireland I guess? There were Irish potatoes which I hadn’t had since some kid brought them in to class when I was in elementary school. There were also birthday cake cookies and I wasn’t sure if they were just for kids so it became this big game of me whining about it and Chooch saying “Just go get one” until he finally threw his hands up, marched over to the table and yelled, “Can my mom have a cookie? She’s TOO AFRAID to ask” and everyone laughed at me. 

    Chooch found his friend Sharyn so we’re chilling with her grandma who is one HIP LADY. I like her a lot. 

    “She reminds me your mom,” I said to Henry. “But not as—-”

    “—crass,” Henry finished as I was saying “abrasive.”

    Some dumb geode-smashing experiment. They gave Chooch a hammer. I stood far away. 


    I just outed Chooch as a butterfly phobe in front of a cute broad from the Carnegie who brought insects for the kids to scream at and now a bunch of his peers are mocking him and he totally loves it. 

    Payback for outing me as cookie-taking scaredy-cat. 

    Ok I just learned about Islam from a Yemen family here and now I’m woke.  

    I asked Chooch why he didn’t contribute anything to this event, like some artifacts and a poster board about his fake Siberian heritage, and he just shrugged and said “because I didn’t know about it.” 

    He is so dense. 

    There is no Korean table here so I’m pouting. 

    Henry and the principal* just complimented each other’s beards but Henry pointed out that the principal’s is grayer. “I guess you have more stress in your life,” Henry laughed.

    Oh you’re saying I need to up my game?


    * (The principal knows us pretty well, it’s safe to say.)

    I mean, a real school would have written that in Hangul, but whatever. 

    “You should have made a Korean exhibit,” Chooch said. 

    Yeah, that would have looked legit. Some dumb Caucasian mutt sitting behind a table of red bean taffy, ttkeokbokki, and Kpop lightsticks, talking about kai bai bo and BIGBANG. 

    Such credibility. 

    Protecting Sharyn’s identity because I’ve already been this down this road once LOLOLOL. 

    On the way home, Henry asked Chooch who the lady was at the concession stand. 

    “Why?” Chooch asked. 

    “Because she knew your name,” Henry said, with a silent but implied, “and that makes me nervous. 

    “Because he’s NOTORIOUS,” I sang, and when no one responded, I said, “That was supposed to be Duran Duran.”

    And still no one said anything. 

    Turns out the concession lady was the mom of one of Chooch’s friends. I knew it definitely wasn’t MISS DEBBY THE MISERABLE LUNCH LADY because she actually smiled at Chooch. 

    (I’m trying to get Chooch to blog about his years-long war with MISS DEBBY.)

    Anyway. Now I’m home. It was fine. The kids did a good job I guess, ugh—THE PAIN! I feel like I need to flip off an elderly nun now or something. 

    ETA: Henry just pulled up my blog on his phone and said, “Oh great, I can’t wait for all the parents to read this” and I was like “WTF, I was actually really nice! I said nice things about Sharyn’s grandma and that Yemen lady, and—”

    “Erin, you called the one girl with the sea shells a bitch, and the rest of the kids dorks and nerds, and that was just in the very beginning!”

    But I mean, that’s not super bad. 

    (That seashell girl was super pushy with her seashells though. She was all, “Pick the up for a closer look.” Bitch, you pick them for a closer look! UGHHHH.)

    Mar 032017

    Well guys it’s Friday, which means I’ll be harassing my fellow team here with the Kpop Video of the Week, and also I thought it would be fun to break up the monotony and make this a fluid post, Chick-fil-A (I keep trying to type CHOCKFUL on my phone and that won’t stop happening) of supposedly witty retorts from Glenn and a run-down of people who walk past my desk vs those who actually stop and take some of my gross-to-mediocre candy.


    (One of those things is a petrified plum pebble surrounded by a delicious honey-like bubble of candy, but when your tongue hits the plum, it’s like OH WHY HELLO THERE, SALT LICK. Like a shock to the senses. Though, not exactly BAD, either. Todd and Glenn agree. No one else has been bold enough to try one though. I apparently don’t “sell” it well.)

    Today will be kind of like hard-nosed, grassroots reporting, y’all. None of that fake news bullshit.

    It reminds me of when I was in elementary school, 5th grade I think, and I kept this palm-sized forest green notebook in which I kept a running log of the comings and goings of Mrs. Madden’s classroom. Everyone knew about it so I would let people pass it around because news is meant to be shared, after all. One day, and this must have had a huge impact on my life because I feel like I reference it once a year and even wrote an entire blog post about it, we were at recess and Mike H. called Mrs. Glumac—the barbaric lunch lady straight out of Goosebumps—a bitch during kickball and then broke her glasses with the ball!!

    And then when I wrote about it in my paper blog of 1988, everyone was giddy for the second time that day because first they heard someone say “bitch” at school, and now they were READING the word “bitch” at school!

    It was pivotal, OK? Just take my word for it.

    I just sent out the Friday video and Todd said, “I’m boycotting the Friday video.”

    “Why?!” I cried.

    “Because it’s Lent season,” he said matter-of-factly. Ugh.

    Glenn just said he didn’t stick around long enough to see who was at the door at the end of the video so I said he’s banned from Friday video and now they’re calling me the Trump administration. Today is not going well!

    Todd just said that now he’s watching “symbol symbol symbol Music Bank symbol symbol” and I tried to teach him that those symbols are called Hangul and he was like “Sure they are. You can tell me anything about Korea and I’ll believe it.”

    Speaking of Hangul, I downloaded HelloTalk to use while I’m waiting for my Korean textbooks to arrive. It very clearly states that it’s a language learning app and is not meant to be used for dating, but still—within two minutes of communicating with this dude from Busan, I got the dreaded, “I’m looking for foreign gf” message. Then when I didn’t reply right away, he slammed with a series of “?????” because that really makes me want to answer. And then when I was like, “Look, I’m at work” he countered with “You like Korean guy??”

    “Well, I have a Korean boyfriend now,” I told Glenn. “Got my foot in the door!” This made me think of the time I was using some messaging thing when I had a Blackberry years and years ago, and became friends with a trucker because I wanted to use him to learn trucker slang. (<–you should read this. It’s very POIGNANT and HONEST. LOL, j/k. It’s something alright.)

    Glenn just went upstairs to get ice because the ice maker on our floor is broken. See? These are the details you miss out on when I don’t keep a running log.

    We just talked about Jonny Craig having back surgery and Todd said, “That’s from all that Xstacy” and then I couldn’t stop laughing and Glenn said, “He actually only had a mole removed.”

    Some time passed. Maybe like 22 minutes worth. We just had a riveting conversation about the freight elevator and how desperate I am to weasel my way in there. One time, I saw one of the maintenance guys pushing a cart through the doors and I cried, “DO YOU NEED HELP?!” He said no. :(

    ICE UPDATE: We now have an ice bucket in the kitchen. I was really excited to report back to my office neighbors about this. Todd said, “Oh. I don’t even use ice” and then I told that I’ve been secretly live-blogging all day and that I couldn’t wait to update the ice-less drama.

    “I just went upstairs when I needed ice,” he said.

    “Yeah I know, I put that in my blog.”

    MAJOR NEWS UPDATE: Dance Gavin Dance just released a new video! And it’s for my favorite song off their last album! I told Todd and he said he only listens to Billy Joel cover bands now.  And then Glenn sent me a list of YouTube links with the subject “this is music,” insinuating that I listen to garbage, but JOKE’S ON HIM because I also like some of the things he tried bragging about. One of the videos was for Bohemian Rhapsody and I was like, “Cool story but I like Radio Gaga better” and then Glenn admitted THAT HE DIDN’T KNOW THAT QUEEN SONG. Wow, I thought old people knew everything about classic rock.

    But yeah – nice try!

    CREAM OF WHEAT AND BANANAS TIME. I got so hungry after Wendy came over to talk about popping sebaceous cysts and pimples. (#fakenews)

    I’m standing in line at the post office now. On my way here, some jackass Planned Parenthood protestor tried to hand me grossly misinformed literature so I barked NO but then another protestor said my coat is gorgeous and I squealed AW THANKS.


    Mixed emotions.

    HUGE NEWS- on my way back from the post office, Henry texted me this picture:

    OH HENRY OPPA! So I called him andbut turned out he was still in there area so he came and picked me up since I still had 30 minutes left of my break and GUESS WHERE WE WENT:

    I bought some new candy and it’s actually good!

    I also got a bottle of Nongfu Spring matcha milk tea because guess who endorses Nongfu Spring? BIGBANG whaddup.

    It’s been two weeks and I don’t think the novelty of the audit light has worn off yet, surprisingly.

    Gayle just sneezed and Julie broke the Keurig.

    First skeptical review of the Asian candy just came in: A-ron was confused because he thought there was a second layer of plastic that needed peeled off but then he realized it was a part of it. “Like, flavorful plastic,” he said, after declining an offer for a second helping. Everyone else seems fine with it though.

    And my milk tea is divine, now that I’m able to drink it thanks to Wendy and her strong bottle-opening hands.

    I’m going to post this now because it’s nearly 4:30, but if anything exciting happens between now and 5:30, you better believe I’ll be back.

    ETA: I tried to give Gayle a piece of my new candy and she originally rejected it until I made my Pouting Orphan face; she sighed and took a matcha milky thing which is like a luxuriously mellow taffy thing. AND SHE LIKED IT. Some foreign candy can be good, guys!

    Oct 222016

    We’re en route to Columbus Ohio this morning so Chooch can see one his favorite bands, The Summer Set. That’s for those people who didn’t read the title of this post. I’m live blogging because it’s what I live for. (see also: no life.)

    11:23am: we left the house at 11 which is actually the time I said I wanted to leave and it actually worked! First we went to Dunkin’ Donuts where they gave me a cappuccino instead of a macchiato and I’m pretty sure I haven’t had a cappuccino since high school when Denny’s got a cappuccino machine and that was like ALL THE RAGE LOL. The Henry wanted to stop at the nearby pretzel place to treat himself and I yelled OH COME ON because I want to GO and this promoted Henry to start bitching about how he does everything we want to do and can he please just get a bag of soft pretzels and YOURE NOT LIVEBLOGGING ARE YOU.

    11:39: I just tried to get henry to care about my current favorite Touché Amore song but he’s just like “ok cool story” and I’m devastated as usual. THAT VIDEO THO:

    Tears spurt from eyes every time. Real feels.

    12:01: WOO TRAFFIC! I drank my stupid cappuccino too fast and now I have caffeine nausea help.

    12:26: Chooch just came back to the car from Sheetz and panted, “DADDY STOLE SOMETHING!” And I’m like no he didn’t….did he? I just asked Henry if he did and he got all paranoid. Chooch just piped up from the backseat, “he stole the cash register lady’s heart.” LOL ugh.

    12:28: Today my response to everything Henry says will be “you’re fuckin’ faded” a la Kurt Travis.

    1:06: THIS JUST IN: Henry has never heard of the term SHOEGAZE are you fucking kidding me. So we had to have an impromptu Music Genre 101 Class and his takeaway was, “That’s dumb.” So no one get Henry any My Bloody Valentine merch for Christmas I guess.

    1:18: Me n Henry:

    1:40: Obligatory rest area bathroom mirror selfie:

    You can’t tell in this picture but I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “THE FUCK is up with my Farrah Fawcett hair?” Because the front is flipped weirdly. I walked out and said, “Thanks for telling me my hair is so big and weird today, asshole” to Henry who said, “It looks like Farrah Fawcett hair.” UGH FOREVER HENRY.

    1:55: Couldn’t remember how to tell Chooch to put his headphones on so it came out “Why aren’t you having your headphones on?” I really think I suffered a mini stroke sometime over the last few years I’m not even funnin’ here. I see evidence of it every time I skim old blog posts and see my grammar breakdowns. Should I be concerned or naw.

    2:58: Here in Columbus at Whole World Cafe and miserable Chooch is miserable.

    4:12: Chooch is in a better mood now that he ate. We’re at North Market where Henry passed up all the obvious choices of parking spots in favor of one where he could show off his flashy driving skills by BACKING IN.

    Got some Jeni’s!

    I got Sweet Cream Biscuits & Peach Jam and Thai Curry Pumpkin. Henry got Xococo Blah Blah Blah and Sweet Potato Eclair. Chooch got a lame sundae.

    GUYS DONT PANIC Henry found another soft pretzel place. We also got donuts (Oh god to be eaten much later—Jeni’s & my broccoli burger has my stomach on house arrest. Whatever that means. It sounded good for a second.

    Red raspberry hibiscus & dueling vanilla!

    5:31: Henry just lost his mind and told a SERVICE story! “Let the Music Play” by Shannon just came on and Henry said it reminds him of when he was IN FLORIDA for a TEMPORARY DUTY ASSIGNMENT during his SERVICE years and the BARTENDER at their hotel played it CONSTANTLY and that his “SERVICE FRIEND” was in love with her, more like HENRY WAS IN LOVE WITH HER.

    In other news, we went to two record stores and neither of them had what I was looking for so now I’m pouting.

    6:21: Standing in line for 3o minutes. So cold. Obnoxious camera happy people in front of us.

    Chooch just photobombed the obnoxious people and pretty much everyone around us saw it and laughed but one of the guys in the obnoxious group was mad I think.

    7:32: this venue sucks. There’s nowhere good to be and the crowd is way older than I anticipated which sucks because they’re all DRUNK TALKERS.

    The first guy to play was really great. We realized that if we came out on the patio we could still hear and the view was way better but it’s COLD.

    MEanwhile Henry is shopping at the World Market and probably taking a nap under a pier somewhere.

    Also William Beckett is here and I had no idea. How do you go from the Academy Is…to opening for a band in a tiny bar in Columbus.

    9:56: you guys I came very close to getting into a physical altercation, but it didn’t go any further than a shoving match. I am so fucking angry right now. The people at this show are the biggest bags of dicks of all time.

    10:27: THANK GOD ITS OVER. WE’RE IN THE CAR. WE’RE LEAVING COLUMBUS. FUCK THE A&R DRUNK ASSHOLE HAVEN. The Summer Set was great though! Chooch got a pick and we saw Brian Logan Dales outside when we were leaving and I was like YOU GUYS WERE GREAT and he very appreciatively said thanks and I was like “That’s how one human talks to another human. OMG I DID IT!”

    Henry went to Target, Old Navy, Barnes and Noble, the World Market, Vitamin Shoppe, he thinks that might be it. I think I would have preferred his night over mine. Henry is taking Chooch to see them next time. Chooch I love you but WOW. My adrenaline is like OFF THE CHARTS RIGHT NOW.

    11:23pm: In FUCKING ZANESVILLE and I’m so hungry but Henry is just meandering about like this is some vintage car cruise and I hate Ohio and just want to go home to Pittsburgh where I go to a million shows without altercation. Also there is a route 666 and I never knew it?!

    No wonder this place is soul-sucking.

    12:10am: I just had a veggie wrap from Sheetz and some of my humanity has been repaired. It’s freezing in the car but god forbid I put on the heat on while henry is driving because he gets sleepy so I’ll just sit here with my teeth chattering and feel thankful that I’m in a car driven by an awake man.

    JUST TO WRAP THIS SHITTY POST UP: we got home around 2am and I went to bed without washing my face and I ALWAYS WASH MY FACE, that’s how tired I was. Fuck Ohio.

    Sep 152016

    Me: Well, I guess I’m going to live blog now. 

    Henry: …..oh boy. 


    8:59am: HI EVERYBODY! GOOD MORNING! Henry and I are on our way to Chicago for Riot Fest. It’s not until tomorrow but he made me take an extra day off work so we didn’t have to drive through the night like we usually do, he’s so selfish. (I’m so frugal with my PTO.) So far, we’ve only accomplished stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee and breakfast, but at least we’re not fighting yet. (He is in a mood though.)

    I miss Chooch a lot already. I made him give me an extra hug before he went to school this morning and you know how much I hate hugs. :( Then I was dreamily telling Henry about the one episode of Inpractical Jokers that Chooch and I were watching last night and now I miss him even more because that’s our show. Henry just told me I’m so weird because I’m cry-laughing at the memory of Sal’s punishment last night. 


    9:25am: Apparently I don’t open bags of pretzels properly so now I’m being lectured. “You and Chooch,” he just sighed. Oh so I guess it’s my fault that Chooch doesn’t open bags of snacks properly, too. 

    (Lol it probably is.)

    Jesus, I don’t tie my shoes right (except that I do, the rest of you are the ones who do it wrong), I don’t open bags of snacks right. Why are you even with me, Henry?!

    I just opened a bag of Chex Mix and he’s side-eying me. 

    10:00am: “I bought three waters. They were three for $2.” Why does he bother telling me these things? Like I care? Is that a good deal, I don’t know?!

    It’s like last weekend when we were with Tommy & Jessy, and Jessy was telling us about how she went to some farmers market and got a big brown bag full of cucumbers for $6 and I was like “……….”

    10:07am: the new driver at Henry’s job just called him to ask him a question about FAYGO delivering things that you and I wouldn’t understand, so Henry adopted his Professional Driver voice which is basically just his voice was super amplified because all of the people he works with are deaf? Anyway, Henry’s solution to Tony’s problem was to “go ask Kevin.” 

    10:22am: Henry’s been struggling to open a 5 Hour Energy with one hand while he’s driving for a solid 7 minutes now because he knows better than to ask me for help. 

    11:30am: Listening to Deftones’ “Adrenaline” album super loud and having intense flashbacks of driving around in my ’95 Eagle Talon with Heather the Ken, in the middle of the night, getting pulled over like 87 times during the summer of ’98 (and NO TICKETS until that fall when I dyed my blond hair brown).

    Henry is never amused by my stories of yore. 

    12:09pm: Henry, trying to make conversation, just pointed out my window and said, “Look, that guy just got pulled over in the middle of nowhere.”

    “Yeah but, we’re on a major highway that goes right past that road, so it’s not really the middle of nowhere,” I argued. 

    “Well, this highway doesn’t go down there, so it is like the middle of nowhere…” #defensive

    “Henry, literally three cars just drove past that road while he was getting pulled over.”


    12:30pm: Leaving a rest area in Milan, OH, I tried to do my signature “pull the door shut on Henry” and he hoarsely whispered, “STOP THERE ARE PPL BEHIND ME!” and then attempted to run me into a garbage can, making us look like the most bumbling, slapstick domestic abuse reenactors. 

    Then in the parking lot, he said, “That guy looks like Will from Emarosa” and he really didn’t at all so I made sure to convey that sentiment to Henry as inconsiderately and obnoxiously as possible so now he’s bitching about how he forgot that I know everything. 

    Le duh. 

    1:16pm: Juat rolled up to Cosmos Diner in Dover, OH. We’ll see how this goes. 

    There is an extremely gravely-voiced waitress here and some older truck driver said hello to her as she passed his table. 

    “you don’t know who I am, do you?” He asked. 

    “sure do, you’re Tom Servos. I see you on Facebook all the time!” she said. 

    “then why don’t you just friend me?” he asked. 

    OH SHIT, Tom Servos: Creeper Shamer Extraodinaire. 

    Shovel that coleslaw in, Henry. 

    Tom’s paying now and the waitress said, “Next time I see you on Facebook, I’m gonna ADD YA and ya better say YES!” and his wife mumbled, “He accepts everyone.”

    2:25pm: well guys it happened. I FOUND TOM ON FACEBOOK. 

    First, I wasn’t so sure if it was him because his profile picture is just a picture of an 18-wheeler but then I found his MOM and yeah, it’s definitely him. So satisfying. 

    Henry is horrified. 

    3:19pm: At a rest stop in Indiana and Henry is about to write a letter to Congress regarding the astronomical price of bottles water and I’m like “Maybe that’s to purposely deter people from buying bottled water?!” And then he was going to get a milkshake but changed his mind. 

    “Ew why would you get a milkshake from there though?” I asked, totally looking down my judgy nose. 

    “Because last time I checked, I can do what I want!” He cried. “I’m an adult!”


    2:54pm: Just ranting as per uge about the NFL guy who knelt during the national anthem. “You know how much I hate football,” I yelled emphatically. “But I would BUY HIS JERSEY, HENRY. I would PROUDLY wear that guy’s name on my back. That POOR FUCKING GUY.”

    “Well, he’s not ‘poor’….” Henry mumbled, tryna ruin my moment. 

    3:18pm: Still in Indiana. One of these days, we’ll just do the unthinkable and FLY to Chicago and it’ll be great! Except for the part where I’m scared to death of airplanes, post 9/11. 

    3:31pm: We’re near Gary, IN and Chooch used to be obsessed with that place because of something to do with school or whatever, blah blah, but now it’s making me MISS HIM even more. I’m going to really miss him tomorrow night during Pierce the Veil. :(

    3:50pm (TIME CHANGE): you guys just missed the most exciting moment of this drive: we were paying at a toll thing and Henry was like “what the—” and realized after we drove off that he was OVERCHARGED. 

    “I was charged for a 5 AXLE!” he yelled, trying to brag with his TRUCKING LINGO. Apparently the truck in front of us went thru with an Easy Pass and we somehow picked up his toll. 

    So then Henry had me call the number on the receipt for him and then acted all put out, like I should be the one doing the talking, but hello they were asking him questions like “what direction are you headed” and “what highway are you on” and “what exit did you take?” and “what is the make of your car?”


    Anyway, Henry came at Nancy the Operator with extreme politeness, as if this is the way to get shit done now suddenly? He even killed her with some of his patented “hyuk hyuk hyuk”s and I was dying, especially when he was struggling to remove my phone from the gigantic Unicorn Tears case. 

    So now Happy Hank is getting his $3 refund! And he didn’t even have to call Nancy a cunt–not even once under his breath!

    5:06pm: we’ve arrived at that same piece of shit “hotel” we stay at every Riot Fest on Mannheim Rd (what’s up with Camryn Mannheim these days?), except now it’s changed to a Motel 6. “It looks like they got rid of the riffraff, though,” Henry said when he came back with our room key. “I don’t think anyone lives here anymore, at least.”

    The room is just one step up from a cinderblock cell, but for as much time we’ll be spending here, who the hell cares. 

    5:54pm: We were talking about going to some nearby tiki bar that’s like famous I guess but someone left her license at home in Pittsburgh. 

    6:07pm: Henry flew into O’Hare once when HE WAS IN THE SERVICE. 

    Henry just yelled,”We’re here for one reason only and it’s not sightseeing in Chicago!!!” WHOA. 

    6:18pm: At Giordano’s acting like it’s our first time in a restaurant, ever. Passed some girl on the way in and she was excited about my Pierce the Veil shirt. She was like 13. 

    Maybe younger. 


    Henry: What?!

    Me: Never mind. You won’t care. OK I THOUGHT THAT WAS TOM SERVOS OVER THERE BUT IT’S NOT. 

    6:43pm: one of the busboys here looks just like Kris Letang! Until he turns around and is Mexican. 

    7:14pm: OMG OMG OMG – I was struggling  to cut my pizza into bite-sized pieces (have you seen me use utensils? Not pretty) when I accidentally sent a chunk of pizza soaring through the air. It landed on the floor next to our booth and it was like time stood still; I was hoping to kick it back under the table before anyone saw but Kris Letang was walking by and, in a faux-chide, pointed to it and asked, “What is this?!”  I was like “uhhhhh” and he started laughing and cleaned it up for me. “I’m still learning how to cut things,” I said, my face getting all hot because that guy was SO CUTE. He just laughed and said, “it’s ok!” Like I was joking but I wasn’t. 

    “You’re so dumb,” Henry sighed. 


    7:45pm: Obligatory trip to Target to buy all the things we forgot to pack. :/ #hemorrhagingmoney

    8:10pm: Tried to entice Henry with a trip to the World’s Largest Laundromat which is 6 miles away and relevant to his domestic interests, but this apparently falls under the “sightseeing” category and my suggestion has been rejected. 

    9:48pm: Watching Blair Witch in our no-frills hotel room. 

    Me: “Do you think the Blair Witch is real?”

    Henry: “Nope.”

    DISAGREE. I’m the Blair Witch, motherfucker. 

    Maybe I should have asked Mexican Kris Letang when he was getting off work and gone out with him. LE SIGH. 

    Or…EL SIGH. 

    [ETA: Next morning: i passed out immediately after Blair Witch was over, which leads me to believe that Henry drugged me so I’d stop bitching about him not wanting to do anything touristy.]

    Sep 032016

    7:47am: We just pulled out of the driveway. “I need coffee” I immediately said. “Yeah, I’m well aware of what everyone needs,” Henry snapped. Whoa. CRAPPY PANTS IS HERE, EVERYONE.

    7:49am: Chooch is mad because Henry got a new phone (he’s been using an old person flip phone for the last few mths because his real one broke) and he wants to hold it so badly but Henry is like DONT START WITH THIS PHONE SHIT!! Kids and phones, amirite.

    8:16am: I can’t believe I’m about to admit this but I succumbed to the basic bitch pressure and got a….pumpkin macchiato. I know! I’m the worst! I’m so predictable! But at least it wasn’t from Starbucks. In other news, I’m not being a bitch anymore because I got a pumpkin macchiato.

    8:42am: I had planned on swinging by the Cincinnati area because I have always wanted to go to the Loveland Castle (and by always I mean for the 4 years I’ve known of its existence). Henry just had me look up the directions on Google maps so I clicked on the map thing in my Roadside America app and started crying because it said it was nearly 7 hours away and HOW WILL WE HAVE TIME so Henry got all huffy and said, “send me the directions!” So I did and he was like, “because these directions have us starting in MARYLAND, that’s why it says it’s so far away!”

    While I was giggling, Henry said in a very weary voice, “How do you survive?”

    8:59am: Chooch just came back with cheese curls from Sheetz and you would have thought I was asking him for a kidney, I hate him.

    Oh for fucks sake, Henry couldn’t find the lemon packet things for his signature unsweetened iced tea, and some Sheetz lady JUST BROUGHT THEM OUT TO THE CAR FOR HIM BEFORE WE LEFT and Henry is SO FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT THIS and wants to write to Sheetz now except he doesn’t know the broad’s name.

    He can just send them this picture of her then, I guess.

    9:18am: I wonder how many hours of mocking Henry in a hick farmer accent before I finally pierce the barrier he mentally puts up between us. YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME OUT FOREVER, SWEET PEA.

    9:51am: I hate when I start to like something Top 40ish and Chooch pops up from the backseat to tell me that they used to be a YouTuber, ugh.

    10:42am: Stopped at rest area in some Ohio place and a man in a suit asked Chooch if his name was LESTER and then was crippled with disbelief when Chooch said no because HE LOOKS JUST LIKE SOME BOY HE KNOWS and as we left him in our dust, I could still hear him back there wow’ing in shock.

    Obligatory rest stop bathroom selfie. If I look haggard that’s because I stayed up all night watching Danity Kane videos/Making the Band recaps on YouTube.

    Meanwhile, I almost forgot that Chooch’s name was Lester back when we kidnapped him 10 years ago.

    11:57am: Reminsicing about the time I listened to this Perfidious Words song on repeat for approx. 5 hours when I worked the late shift at my last job, and then accidentally became suicidal because of it. Henry is not enjoying this stroll down memory lane.

    12:12pm: Henry is in another rest area, doing whatever he does in there, so Lester and I are talking behind his back. “He’s in such a bad mood today.” “I know.”

    Just wait until we get to the castle! That’ll be sure to turn his frown upside down and back around into a greater frown.

    1:38pm: well we just finished touring Loveland Castle and Henry is in an even worse mood, as predicted! The only time he smiled was when the guide mentioned THE SERVICE.


    Whatever. Lester had a good time in the castle.

    1:43pm: Some broad in a car next to us at a red light sneezed so I said bless you and Lester is like SO EMBARRASSED.

    2:13pm: we’re at Sugar & Spice for lunch and this place is a WONDERLAND.

    28842021003_e123dbb940_c 29384128941_b00150074d_c

    Our waitress was this old lady who seemed concerned that no one had brought me my coffee 30 seconds after I ordered it.

    “You had a coffee right?” she asked. “And no one brought it yet???”

    I shook my head no, slowly, because I didn’t understand how anyone would know I ordered it when she was still standing there taking our order?

    “Wait—did you just tell me that now?” She asked. “Oh, ha! I saw it there and forgot that I had just written it down.”


    The restrooms were DOWNSTAIRS. I love when the restrooms are downstairs! This place was EVERYTHING!

    I read about it on Roadside America and literally the only reason we went is because they give out FREE RUBBER DUCKIES. Chooch and I were so nervous that we weren’t going to get one and neither of us wanted to ask and Henry was like THIS IS ALL YOU DONT LOOK AT ME so finally I cleared my throat and asked the lady at the register if the duck thing was still a go, and she silently reached for a bucket on a shelf and told us to go on and take a rubber duck and Chooch nearly clotheslined himself against the counter in his overzealous rummaging.

    4:58pm: Nothing noteworthy has happened in hours but we just made it to the hotel – some generic Radisson. Three hours until Artifex Pereo!!

    6:51pm: just saw Jerry’s Junk and it was mildly cool but also pretty anticlimactic.

    However, I bet that man has a TON OF SHIT that I would buy if he was selling. Meanwhile, Chooch casually asked me to put on Danity Kane, lol.

    And Henry is having a blast telling Louisville drivers that they’re doing it wrong. “YOU CANT TURN LEFT ON RED!”

    7:24pm: Benjamin the Lyft driver is taking us to the venue now and listening to him and Henry attempt to make small talk with each other is simultaneously killing me and giving me life. Also I couldn’t get my seatbelt to fasten so I’m just sitting here with my arm thru it like a sling.

    8:52pm: Huge difference between me and Chooch: when I need to pee in a public place, I freak out and spend 25 minutes trying to build up the courage to look for the bathroom and then I hoarsely whisper to Henry WHERE DO YOU THINK THE BATHROOM IS OMG HELP. Chooch gets right up and sets out to find it himself.

    10:32pm: This night is so excelsior. Every band has been wonderful, the venue is great, Henry is actually in a good mood and said that he liked the last band that played (Funeral Portrait) and now Artifex Pereo is about to go on and I’m so sweaty and Chooch is half asleep in a chair and all the Artifex guys keep asking him if he’s going to make it and it’s just good fucking vibes all over, can I stay in Louisville forever.

    12:02am: Waiting for our Lyft driver, Nicholas, to pick our exhausted, sweaty asses up. I hope I lost weight. I SWEAT SO MUCH.

    “There’s so much wrong with my body,” Chooch just randomly said.

    12:23am: Nicholas returned us safely to our hotel (he was an A+ Lyft driver and gave us non-stressful conversation) and then we had cheerful banter with the ladies at the front desk because we’re all delirious from the hotbox that is New Vintage, and now I’m ready to get my Savasana on in this stiff-as-fuck bed.


    Jul 152016

    8:53am: En route to WARPED TOUR and we all hate each other so bad woooooo!! Trying to order morning beverage at McDonald’s and Henry wants to kill us for being two strong-willed sassy ass individuals who know what they want. 

    Yay I got my cup of flavored ice milk, thanks McCafe. 

    Also, I hesitate to live blog these days because the WordPress app loves to take my pictures and shrink them down to near-thumbnails, or flat out flip them upside down. NO THATS NOT ME TRYING TO BE EDGY. That’s WordPress being a cunt*. 

    *(Or, a Cindy, in my auto-correct’s opinion.)

    9:29: Henry just went to Shop n Save to get us granola bars so we don’t perish during the day, and now he is getting gas: ALL THINGS HE SHOILD HAVE DONE LAST NIGHT. 

    10:01: We just pulled in the lot and Henry is talking about really important things like “I don’t remember these lanes being so narrow. Did they make them narrower?” And something-something about how if you have 3 or more people in your car, blah blah who cares. 

    10:05: Chooch is reading the names off the band tents as we drive through the parking lots. “Chelsea Grin–she’s always here.”  LOL N00B that’s a band of guys not a girl, idiot. 

    10:12: Now I’m here in line ALONE while Henry goes to guest services to get his FREE PARENT TICKET lol. 

    Lol I was just going to write about how parent-y Henry is and then some teenage girl behind me in line kept saying she was so hungry and she should have eaten breakfast so I turned around and gave her a granola bar out of my bag LIKE A TOTAL MOM but my bag is a BLED FEST drawstring so that helps negate my momness….I think?!

    10:40: Kids behind us are talking about how great Neil Patrick Harris is (agreed) and they’re all name-dropping all of his projects, and being all “yeah I’ve seen that, yeah I love that” and then the one kid was all “What about Doogie Howser?” And the main know-it-all was all “Whassat?” And I thought he was kidding but the other guy has to explain what it was and I’m dying. #NPHN00b

    11:15: well my plan of using Warped Tour as escape failed. The mess of my personal life has followed me here and I’m in tears and just want to go home. 

    Henry and Chooch are making me stay but I’m so dead inside LOLOL

    11:30: ok I drank water and breathed I think I’m ok for now lol also Silent Planet is screaming at me so that is good. 

    11:45: Chooch just excitedly yelled something and made a beeline through the crowd toward the stage New Found Glory is playing on and I was like wow, I didn’t realize he was such a fan? But then he kept running straight to this: 

    12:32: just played our favorite game: Lose Henry In a Crowd. So now Chooch and I are sitting here watching him run his hand through his hair in frustration and I feel a lot better about life. 

    1:40: Chooch got some kind of Popsicle thing and the shiller was all, “Lucky, this is the last one in the flavor” and then Henry tried to buy the same flavor after dude JUST SAID Chooch got the last one. Henry, you’re an embarrassment. 

    2:50: Worst warped tour of my life. Not your fault, Warped Tour. 

    3:59: Almost left but stayed and Emarosa made everything better. I have a heart again, apparently! Bradley got us side-stage and I could have just passed out from the sheer joy of it all. I love that band so much you have no idea or maybe you do who knows. 

    5:42: I think we’ve made it THREE HOURS without me flipping out and projecting! Things are looking up. *eyeroll emoji factory* I’m glad that Henry didn’t let me leave the 87 times I said I was going to. Emotions man, amirite. You should have seen my hissy fit at the front of the stage while Hail the Sun was playing. Am I 36? Nah. Guess not. 

    In other news I’m staying hydrated. I think Henry and Chooch are too? I’m not responsible for them. 

    5:52: Oh look who’s back. 

    6:42: OH SHIT I never did get any coffee today after the McCafe blunder. FEELING IT. 

    Shoes don’t tie themselves at Warped Tour. 

    8:15: Leaving Warped Tour. Mixed feelings. I usually feel so at peace here but today all of my problems kept weasling their way in and I feel so stressed. Aside from that bullshit, I saw so many great bands, Emarosa put some sutures in my heart, and Chooch and I had a lot of fun (once we stopped fighting, which was only the first 1/3 of the day so we’re getting better!). I’m really glad that Henry wouldn’t leave when I wanted to. Now it’s time for FOOD. 

    8:54: post-Warped coleslaw and coffee, BLESS YOU, KINGS. 

    Choochs annual “I just spent all day surrounded by PETA propaganda” post-Warped Tour stint at vegetarianism: a veggie burger which he is struggling to get through. 

    10:13: WELL BLOG I’m home now. My brain is swollen right now I think? So goodnight. 

    May 302016

    Today we head back home to Pittsburgh so you know what that means — live blogarama. Sadly, this one won’t have as many big asses in it.

    10:25am: We’re with Bill & Jessi waiting to be seated at Scrambler Marie’s and Bill is ready to file a formal complaint because they told us the wait is 25 minutes when we can clearly see NUMEROUS open booths and tables?! ITS DISPROPORTIONATE.

    Henry’s mommy just called him to thank him for serving our country!!

    10:35am: Now I’m standing inside and Bill just RECOUNTED the empty tables. Some waitress came over to see if our name was on the list and Jessi reiterated that we preferred to sit outside and that we saw there “SEVERAL EMPTY TABLES OUT THERE.” The waitress was like “OK let me check with the hostess because I don’t want to screw her up.” SHE IS ALREADY SCREWED UP.




    Also, still talking about the wait time / empty table ratio.

    12:02pm: Ugh we said goodbye which is the worst and now we’re back on the road. The breakfast was worth the wait, and also observing the bizarre manner in which Chooch eats his pancakes: he scrapes some off with a knife and then scoops it up with the knife and fork and two-hands it into his mouth? Like who taught this kid how to eat? Also, Henry usually has to cut his food because he can’t stand watching him struggle with butterknives because apparently Chooch has inherited his inability to cut food from his mother. That’s what Henry says, but if you ask me, Chooch would just prefer someone else to do it for him, and that is something he definitely inherited from his mother.

    So there.

    12:10pm: Henry Appreciation Shout-Out. Homeboy hooked me up this weekend! He bought some of these without me knowing at Bled Fest, and the rest came from Dearborn Music where the guy at the register said, “These are actually some really good records” like he was surprised but then it was probably because he thought they were Henry’s since Henry was paying, and we all know Henry has I’M A TED NUGENT NUGGET practically branded across his furrowed forehead.

    That P!ATD is Chooch’s but still. We’re already fighting about who gets to listen to what first, ugh. It’s really hard having a kid who’s exactly like me. I’m sure our bickering was beginning to wear on Bill & Jessi!

    1:02pm: Absolutely nothing interesting has been happening since I last checked in. Just been annoying Henry with an emo revival Spotify playlist (I like to flail and flop around in the passenger seat to this stuff which adds to Henry’s annoyance) and now all of a sudden Chooch has decided to remove his nose from Goblet of Fire* in order to poke his head between the seats and bitch about something.

    *We stopped at a Walmart (UGHHH) in Monaca, PA on our way to Michigan on Friday to buy Chooch the 4th Harry Potter book because Henry claims he couldn’t find my copy on the third floor (otherwise known as The Computer Burial Ground) which he was supposed to clean out weeks ago in order to turn it into a guest room. Anyway, I GOT LOST in Walmart because I hung back in the makeup section a tad too long and then BOOM. THEY WERE GONE. So I wandered around with my hand on my chest, trying to build a dam for the tears that were about to spring forth from my eyes, and then some way young Walmart worker boy flirtily said hello to me and I was giddy for a split second until I remembered that HELLO IM LOST.

    I had to ask some Walmart broad for directions to the book aisle but then I saw them walking by and I ran toward them and cried, “I’VE BEEN FOUND.” Chooch literally threw his arms around me because he knows how fragile I am. Henry just rolled his eyes though.

    All that and they didn’t even have the dumb book so they had to go to Target which is where I said they should have gone to in the first place. This in addition to the really slow service at the Monaca King’s completely negated the fact that I left work an hour and a half early because we still arrived in Howell at the same time we would have had I left work at 5:30 so thanks for sucking, Monaca.

    1:16pm: Chooch said he saw some guy wearing a La Dispute shirt at Bled Fest. I asked him if he said “cool shirt, bro” and Chooch said, “No, because I hate them.” UGH MY KID IS THE WORST.

    1:24pm: Chooch just farted and I had to put down the windows to fumigate. So for that, here is a LA DISPUTE VIDEO, WOOOO.

    1:49pm: AND NOW WE ALL HATE EACH OTHER AFTER A REST STOP WENT SOUTH DOWN THE TOILET. All I fucking want (nay, NEED) is coffee and Chooch started running his mouth because Henry wouldn’t give him money for some dumb arcade game and now they’re fighting and I was like FUCK EVERYONE and stormed off. Then I put on a SMOOTH JAZZ station in the car because I have a headache (see also: NEED COFFEE) and Henry had the audacity to try and change the station like this was an accident!? And apparently he stole money out of Chooch’s wallet for “tolls” so this is a brand new fight.

    2:49pm: Well everything was fine, Chooch resumed his book-reading, I was happily dissecting my Bled Fest experience, but then HENRY made me look up the nearest Sheetz on google maps and now the car is full of angry snipes and raised voices again because FUCK YOUR MAP.


    3:18pm: Iced lattes must be super hard to make because I have had a shit ton of really fucking terrible ones, two in a row today. I guess Crazy Mocha just has me spoiled. Henry’s pissed because I apparently “wasted money” but he’s not a coffee drinker so he doesn’t understand the devastation and ensuing pout-session when one is served a poor excuse for a latte. Go drink a Faygo, Hank.

    3:46pm: Henry stopped at a rest area to get me a latte from Starbucks (I dislike Starbucks but whatever – third latte’s a charm) and Chooch and I had a huge fight in the car because he nearly ruined my Bled Fest poster by being CARELESS and then he accused me of knowing where his dumb wallet is but not telling him?! So by the time Henry got back to the car, Chooch was in full-blown TAKE ME TO THE ORPHANAGE I DONT CARE mode. What a little jerkfuck, seriously. Now he’s back to breathing heavily while reading and I’m nursing my mediocre Starbucks iced latte and Henry is enjoying the silence after I gre tired of yelling about how I disagree with the Cincinatti Zoo’s decision to MURDER their gorilla, but whatever — I know enough people from that area to understand that it’s not exactly known for its high IQ.

    This whole bit prompted Henry to say, “When I used to go to the zoo in the 70s” and then something about animals in cages but I quit paying attention when I realized that there wasn’t going to be a pregnancy scandal or TED NUGENT concert involved.

    4:40pm: Henry just gave me a hard time for apparently listening to too much Cardboard Swords. “How many times are you going to listen to this?” he asked in a needling fashion. AS MANY TIMES AS I WANT, CUNT. Jesus. Nag much?!

    Also, he made me count change for tolls at the last minute and then talked while I was trying to count?! I can’t stand him.


    YEAH BOIIIIIII THAT’S MY CITY. 10 minutes until we’re in good Ol’ Brookline. And Chooch just assaulted me with the sight of his bare feet.

    6:02pm: Been home for an hour. Cleaned up succulent carnage (of which there was enough to require a plant cemetery, le sigh) and reminded the cats who I am. They seemed stressed out and then we realized that they had to endure their very first Memorial Day parade which oozes past our house every year and is chockful of sirens, muskets, and the screeching sound of children. Sorry, cats. :( Glad to be home but I’m already missing my Michigan friends and without the distractions, some pretty significant post-show depression is beginning to eke its way in. And then Chooch cut himself while playing with Marky and Henry’s not here so I started to panic but don’t worry, Chooch dressed his own wound while I was laying in the fetal position. Ugh. Back to dumb reality I guess.

    But hoooooo boy, I’ll be back with a myriad of Bled Fest posts for everyone to scroll past! Stay stoked.

    May 282016

    Technically Henry still says he’s not doing this. LOL. Yeah right. Take it away, big guy! (This may or may not be ghost-written by a 10-year-old version of Henry.)

    11:11am: it’s 11:11 and I wished that a sweet big assed girl would walk past the car, and she did! Best short vacation ever! Also I stared till she walked away, she looked at me and I raised my eyebrows up and down!

    11:26am: standing in this bitchin’ line and I fucking hate concerts. I dunno if my son’s mother told you that, but If not I did. Anyway there’s a lot of sexy big assed girls Here people keep looking at me like I’m a pervert. I wonder if people think I’m a dilf!

    11:52: Just exited the stupid school to finally plan my escape. Some stupid people from Artifex Pereo said “nice shirt to my son. There are some sexy big boob broads in the school. I think they winked at me! Mission Accoplished! Also I can’t follow directions my son’s mother yelled at me to keep the v.i.p bag but I threw it into our Lamborghini.

    12:34pm: listening to shitty music while staring at big asses. Man, I wish I had a big ass I could squeeze it all day! mMmMmMm! Well I think my life is going a different direction! Pay 10$ for me to squeeze your ass as a massage!


    IM STARING AT SOME BAND ASSES LIKE A PERV AND AN OLD PERSON! Also “enjoying” music at “Bleeding from my ears fest”

    1:15: I went to the V.I.P Lounge so I can escape Artifex Pereo. There were some Staff members with gigantic asses! More to squeeze. My new store is PERVs Ass Massages! Hopefully the cop that comes to arrest me has a nice ass!

    2:45pm: We met Artifex Pereo. And more asses! My store will be in Moon Township! Some sexy ass broad girl be havin dat nice ass yelled at my son’s mother’s son. I watched a band by myself! I was away from small ass girlfriend!

    5:00pm:  I’m tired and I want to go home to mummy and my nipples. Everybody knows I can’t rub them here. I got meatballs on my shirt and my small ass girlfriend tried to take a picture of it for tinder.


    Dreaming about dem asses at Bled Fest. There was someone tea bagging their car in my dream. I thought the car was a big ass broad. There is a water tower as big as an ass I saw today in the merch room.

    6:20pm: big kick ball hit me while I was sleeping. I thought I was getting accepted by the big ass girls! My company is getting customers!

    8:00pm: Today I saw some hot broads twerking their fat big juicy asses off while I ordered a pizza. Man life’s good! My small ass girlfriend was watching The World Is a Beautiful Big Ass Place! To teach how to twerk her ass off.


    9:31am: I forgot to write about the FINAL MINUTES! But my son’s mother found out and said that she will tell the police but I didn’t care I wanted that big ass cop to arrest me! Anyway small ass girlfriend was watching Superheavenhell with all the big ass girls. But it was hot in there and I didn’t want to get sweat all over dat girls big ass.

    May 012016

    Me: Don’t worry, I’m gonna live blog. 

    Henry, muttering: That’s great. You do that. 

    8:24am: Well, today is the day that we eventually make our way back home. We just checked out of the Microtel in Columbia and are now foraging for breakfast. I found a place on shitty Yelp, but I’m worried that it will be a fail since yesterday’s Yelping was actually successful. It’s storming and Henry is grumbling about how this place better have a lot of indoor seating since neither place did yesterday. This is the first day of bad weather we’ve experienced all week, and also the first day I had to wear jeans so EVERYTHING FEELS WRONGS. Gimme back Orlando.

    9:02am: We had to walk through a rainstorm down an alley to get to the Wired Goat Cafe, and it was a little glimpse of what it must feel like for Henry to walk beneath a black cloud all day e’ryday. Anyway, this place might end up being a bust. A guy with a handlebar mustache gelled into place with a hefty dollop of ambivalence crafted my French toast latte while the other barista flitted around in absent-minded confusion after someone approached to ask her how much longer they would have to wait for their food. Henry is sitting here with his GOOD ONE, ERIN smirk twisted upon his dumb mumbling lips.

    Now he’s accusing me of reading he reviews for the other location and not this one, which apparently has a reputation for being uninviting. LOLFOREVER. At least we got a table outside on the porch-thing, safe from the rain and the judging once-overs of adult women in rompers.

    Also, Henry unwisely let Chooch and I pack for ourselves without supervision and neither of us ended up packing enough on account of our ADD and inability to keep count. Luckily, our room at Star Island had a washer and dryer so Poor Henry had to do laundry on vacation.

    Bee Mine French toast with EUROPEAN BUTTER (great, thx) and fruit. Henry just got up and left, and then came back with a cup of water.

    “I went to go get my water. Locally-sourced….from a tap,” he muttered miserably because he hates places like this LOL. Henry doesn’t give a shit where the eggs came from because they’re all gonna end up in the same place later— the commode.


    10:04: Back on the road! Only 7 and a half hours to go! KILL ME!

    10:22am: Well, Henry just hydroplaned and is now congratulating himself for not killing us. “THE TRICK IS TO NOT TOUCH THE BRAKE” he’s instructing his imaginary class.

    10:30am: He’s still discussing the science of hydroplaning with himself. I just want to stop somewhere and pee, please.

    10:40am: Chooch is scarred for life because Henry made him use a gas station bathroom that had a CONDOM DISPENSER. He came running out to scream about it to me. “YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR AND IT GIVES YOU A CONDOM. THEY HAD ORANGE FLAVORED, STRAWBERRY FLAVORED—” and then I shut the car door on him.

    At least he can tell his teachers this was an educational vacation. Seven more hours of condom talk.

    11:50am: Somewhere in NC, listening to Balance & Composure and Chooch’s heavy backseat breathing.

    And I just finally bought his VIP Bled Fest ticket (it gets him a meal, plus drinks and snacks all day long, so it was worth the extra money to ensure his mouth will stay full with food and not whines). Less than a month away! Not even home from this trip and already anticipating the next! Literally the only thing this Florida vacation was missing was a concert. That would have made it perfect.

    1:06pm: Henry’s mom-mom-mommy just called and he made Chooch answer it! Rude.

    1:36pm: HELLO VIRGINIA. Five more hours, ugh to the max.


    3:00: At a Shoney’s in WV. Chooch was alone at the buffet for what was probably an unlawful amount of unsupervised time for a child according to buffet laws. I watched him, from the comfort of our table, struggle with the mashed potatoes. He came back and is just livid. “The man before me got this perfect scoop of mashed potatoes on his plate and then when it was my turn, I could hardly get ANY!” And now there’s a problem with his jello too, but I stopped listening. Buffet Woes with Chooch.


    Meanwhile, Henry is on his third pork chop.


    Mystery dessert foraged from the buffet by Chooch — I have no idea what it is and it burnt my lip.

    Chooch and I are so wasteful at buffets. Thank god Hank the Bottomless Pit was our shares along with his own.

    The Jerusalem Experience offers no discounts. Not even $3 off with proof of stigmata? I find that hard to believe.


    Accidentally grabbed two of these brochures and Henry is all exclamatory about it: Why did you get so many???

    Dude, it’s two. Not a ream.

    4:12pm: Chooch and I just let go of our sanity at a rest stop near Tamarack and Henry is PISSED. Chooch keeps swearing and Henry is like STOP SWEARING and then I started dry-heaving because I saw some man kiss an ugly baby and Henry was like STOP BEING YOU and then I said for the 87th time in 15 years that I don’t understand what the fuck Tamarack even is and Henry yelled AND YOURE NOT GOING TO FIND OUT EITHER which prompted me to ridicule the way he says “going” (sounds like GOYng) and from there I started singing Henry’s version of “going” in the style of a grandfather clock and I think I saw actual steam come out of his nostrils.

    6:35pm: STILL IN WV. Is WV spreading? It’s like a geographical STD. Did it take this long to drive through WV last week?! Anyway, we stopped at a Sheetz because I have some terrible Throat Affliction and can’t stop coughing and all I could think about was HOT TEA WITH HONEY. But I always get coffee so I walked in and felt paralyzed and literally said WHICH WAY DO I GO and then I finally found the tea bags but I couldn’t find the cups because it didn’t occur to me to use the same cups that I would use for coffee?! Then I couldn’t find the hot water but by then Henry had emerged from the rest room so I slammed the empty cup into his hand and said “You do it” and then walked away. It was all too much.

    7:05pm: location update–still in motherfucking WV. “Whyyyyyyyyy?!” she screamed in the Key of Kerrigan.  And not even being low key about this but we’re listening to old school Finger Eleven right now, driving through a rain storm. That’s what’s up.

    My friend Wonka and I hung out with them after a show once in 2000 (ugh sixteen years ago?!?! Might as well keep my Nancy Kerrigan WHYYYY out for awhile) and the singer was questionable but their guitarist James Black was an absolute gem and even though I was annoyed when F11 became radio-friendly, I was happy that he was getting to experience that success because dude was chill as fuck.


    BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. Last week at Universal, we rode the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit which is a coaster that has speakers in each seat so every rider can select a song from the mini-jukebox screen in front of them. Henry was riding alone behind me and Chooch, so when we all got off the ride, I asked him what he chose, prepared to mock him, and he said “Finger Eleven” and I was like “OMG ME TOO!!” so he high-fived me (this might have been the first time he’s ever initiated a high-five with me, btw) and we bonded for like a split second until I said, “That was the only tolerable option i could find in the limited time we had” and he was like”inorite” and then breathed the wrong way or sneezed too loudly so I went back to being completely annoyed by him.

    8:04pm: In PA now. 20 more long ass motherfucking minutes. Nancy Kerriganing my fucking face off right now. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!???!!! 

    Well we’re home and I just finished assessing the damage. One of the idiot cats pulled the tassel off one of my swag lamps but other than that, everything seems ok! Thanks to my brother for keeping the cats alive! Just watered my plants and am currently ignoring Henry who keeps inexplicably asking for “help” as if he is not an able-bodied man capable of bringing some luggage into the house. Come the fuck on, dude.

    /end vacation

    Apr 242016

    SATURDAY 11:27pm: we’ve officially started our 14+ hour road trip. When we originally started to plan this trip and decided to drive instead of fly (because I’m neurotic), Henry was like “No it’s fine I guess. We’ll just leave early on Saturday and take our time since we don’t have to check in until Sunday—” at which point I was making that face I make when I know something that’s about to CHANGE EVERYTHING and Henry was all WHAT. WHAT DID YOU DO. And I was “Well remember when I bought a ticket to see Basement? It’s that Saturday night.” And that’s why we didn’t leave the house until 11:30 tonight, because he had to wait for my show to end. HAHAHAHAHA I’m a really easy person to be in a relationship with.

    11:33pm: Henry just said he has to get “fuel” and now I can’t stop repeating it — FUEL. FUUUELLLL. FWEULLLLL. FEEEEEYYYYYOULLLL. He’s not happy about that.

    SUNDAY 6:07am: I tried to sleep in the car but it was a constant panicked wake-up, with me screaming HENRY ARE YOUR EYES CLOSED?! There was so much fog on West Virginia, it was eerie and I thought for sure if I closed my eyes for too long, Henry would wreck. But now it’s almost dawn and we’re somewhere in North Carolina with only 8 and a half hours to go UGHHHH. I have to start my driving shift soon. And I ask myself, why didn’t we just fly again? Oh that’s right because of me.

    6:41am: We’re at Cracker Barrel in some town in NC and Henry didn’t know the difference between country ham and sugar ham. WHAT A n00b. Also, Henry had to change his shirt in the car because his other one had “mysterious stains” on it.

    9:53am: After Cracker Barrel, I was supposed to drive for awhile. And I did! For about 30 minutes. But then I started freaking out because my eyelids wanted to close so bad like literal sandbags were on them. So I took the first exit I came to and Henry woke up like WHAT R U DOING and I was like PULLING OVER SO I DONT FALL ASLEEP AND KILL US. GOD, I can’t even be a responsible person without the Warden yelling at me. Anyway, he’s been driving ever since. Six hours and 22 more minutes to go!!

    So then I slept for an hour because I didn’t sleep at all last night and don’t go martyring Henry just yet because he slept all yesterday afternoon to prepare for this and when did I have time to sleep when I’m too busy keeping a watchful eye on the road all through the night?

    10:05: We’re only 10 miles away from the monument of the father of gynecology and Henry flipped me off and said he doesn’t care. :( So I turned up Balance & Composure because he doesn’t “care for them.”

    10:40am: Tomorrow is Chooch’s birthday so we’re engaging in my favorite story: how Chooch had to be delivered 2 weeks early because he was so gigantic already that the doctor didn’t want to risk letting him go to term.

    11:06am: Just postulated at length about how the 80s was like this magical wrinkle in time where all music artists made the best music of their careers and then everything after that was just ok and when I asked Henry for his thoughts, all he said was “Yeah.”

    He asked me for one of my Cheezits and I complied but not before licking it. I hate that it doesn’t bother him anymore.

    12:57pm: Somewhere in Georgia, past Savannah so now our secret is gutting harder to contain because Chooch thinks we’re visiting Octavia and he’s like WHY ARENT WE STOPPING and I BET A LOT OF THESE PPL ARE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD. He thinks in addition to visiting Octavia, we’re also visiting Henry’s “Uncle Walt” who lives in a trailer that isn’t big enough for us all to sleep in so Chooch has to sleep alone in a tent. But then he just randomly asked if Uncle Walt is dead. Yes Chooch. We’re visiting Uncle Walt’s grave.

    1:31pm: We were going to eat at Huddle House in Somewhere, GA but it was taking an unacceptable amount of time to get waited on (IT WASNT CROWDED!) So I threw a fit and now we’re at Taco Bell/KFC because we sure know how to vacation. Had a weird encounter with a little girl in the restroom while I waited for a stall and she washed her hands and waited for her mom; she gave me numerous, lingering once-overs because naturally she covered all of my accessories like all young girls do.

    2:45pm: Well, Chooch missed the Welcome to Florida sign, so there’s a conversation we won’t have to have right now. Also, Henry pointed out a car that had pulled over in order for the driver to switch with the passenger, and then I realized he was glaring at me when he said it, hahaha.

    3:12: Henry & Jacksonville. SCOOTER WARD, WHERE U AT?

    6:37pm: Well guess who got us here, Star Island, in record time? ERIN RACHELLE KELLY. Henry whined at one of the last rest stops so I was like oh for CHRISTS SAKE and took the wheel for the last 2 and a half hours and wound up shaving off a bunch of time too. Because I’m a fucking pro. Meanwhile, there were signs everywhere for Orlando and Disney and Chooch was like WAIT WHAT and I just kept yelling about being too poor to go to Disney so keep dreaming. Ugh. He totally knows. Or maybe not. He’s been asking a lot of questions about Henry’s “Uncle Walt” so we’ll see how tomorrow (i.e. His birthday and the big reveal) goes.

    Anyway, remember when we bought a time share last summer? Haha thank god for that.

    The resort has these swan boats and Chooch asked if we could all ride in one, side by side. “That’s a high expectation,” he laughed at his own suggestion. “We’ll just end up arguing and bumping into each other. You know, a typical day in the life of the Robbins/Kelly family.” OBSERVATION ON POINT SON.

    6:58pm: Chooch is still asking questions about Uncle Walt (“does he shoot machine guns?”) and Henry SUCKS at answering them. He just keeps saying I don’t know to everything while I’m making up back stories and somehow Chooch hasn’t asked yet why I know more about Henry’s uncle than Henry does.

    7:54pm: At Sweet Tomatoes which I didn’t realize was an all you can eat buffet thing which I hate and are a complete waste for me and Chooch because we just don’t eat that much (contrary to my BMI) but don’t worry because Henry ate his share, our share, and the next table’s share. The busboy gave him A Look.

    8:17pm: Obligatory “Buying Everything We Forgot to Pack” trip to Target. Henry and Chooch were annoying me so I left and came out to sit in the car. I’m sleep-deprived and ready to snap necks.

    8:48pm: Went to Orange World because of my obsession with novelty-shaped buildings and stocked up on souvenirs in spite of feeling extremely unwelcome. WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE MEEEEEEEH.

    9:00pm: Chooch is swimming while I’m being throughly entertained by the dulcet notes of some broad singing Dionne Warwick’s masterpiece “I Know I’ll Never Love This Way Again” inside the resort lounge. I turned to Henry and zealously mouthed some of the words but he didn’t appreciate it like I know you guys would.

    Right guys?

    10:13pm: Painted my nails, ate an orange from Orange World that Henry opened for me (incorrectly, I might add), and now I’m saying goodnight to this edition of Live Blog because my vacations are never relaxing & I am really goddamn exhausted. SEEYAWOULDNTWANNABEYA