Busch Gardens was the second-most anticipated part of the trip! I’ve only been there once before, in 2015–remember the TIMESHARE that we suffered through a presentation for just to get free tickets to Busch Gardens and then we ended up falling prey to the spiel anyway and wound up with a timeshare that we used once and then…

Anyway!! There weren’t very many new coaster credits for Chooch to get here because he was tall enough to ride everything the last time, but they do have a new wooden coaster and apparently a new kiddie coaster (lol).

Let’s just focus on how beautiful this damn park is though, ok? Because I really believe that it’s the prettiest, best-themed park in the US aside from like, I dunno, Universal Studios. So in today’s vacation recap post, we will be enjoying the Euro-themed goodness of Busch Gardens.

I have 100% never skied before in my life (I mean, I just spent 3 minutes fighting with spellcheck because I wanted to spell it “skii” in the worst way) but I love love love the area around Alpengeist, the park’s VISCIOUS B&M invert. Jesus Christ, I forgot how intense this coaster is! You’re meant to be an out-of-control ski lift and yep, B&M nailed it.

This was me, about to ride it for the second time, directly after eating pizza.

It was a really strange day at Busch Gardens because when we first arrived, the parking lot didn’t look too stuffed. But then we got into the park and it seemed pretty crowded. The first ride we went to (Loch Ness Monster) had a really long line and I was like OH GREAT, GOOD JOB HENRY, THANKS because everything that went south on this trip was his fault.

Literally! Our original itinerary didn’t have us going south at all but then he axed Six Flags Great Adventure due to El Toro and Jersey Devil being down, and also deep-sixed Luna Park on Coney Island because you can only buy four-hour blocks of time there right now and he made the unilateral decision to go there another time. So that’s how the southern leg of the trip came into fruition. You know, in case you were wondering.

“You.”

Anyway, we walked to another area of the park and realized that everyone was just congregating over by Loch Ness because it was near the entrance I guess, and everything else was pretty much a station wait or a walk-on! We decided to live it up and waited a bit extra for the front row of Griffon, the park’s dive coaster, and it was only about 15 minutes! If we had opted for any other row, it would have been almost a walk-on.

Plus? Ops at Busch Gardens are AMAZING. These people know how to hustle and safely send trains out of the station.

That bad bitch, Griffon aka Better Than Valravn. Sorry, Cedar Point, but you can’t always be the best at everything! Henry didn’t ride this the last time we visited, probably because he forgot to eat his POWER PRUNES that time and was too scared. So this was actually his first dive coaster, what a lamer.

Verbolten was Chooch’s and my favorite coaster the last time we visited and we talked about it all the time for the rest of the summer  like it was a pet we had to get put to sleep. That is how much we missed it! So we were stoked to stuff our butts on this bitch again! Look at the theming in the queue! It’s so wonderful!

We had to wait about 20 minutes for this one but that’s OK, it’s worth it. And again, ops are great at Busch Gardens and also no one there was annoying us that day either.

We were triggered at the sight of the gnomes because the day before at Carowinds, one of the things we had to do during that Plants v. Zombies ride was find golden gnomes for extra points and again, our team sucked so bad and we were CRUSHED by the Plants team.

YES, TO BE IN THIS STATION AGAIN!! Henry had to ride by himself and at the last minute, a single rider squeezed through just as the gates were closing and plopped down next to him. CHOOCH AND I LOVE WHEN THIS HAPPENS!! WILL THEY ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER? WILL THEY GIGGLE AND SCREAM TOGETHER??

In this case, no. But Henry was annoyed because his seat partner was really quiet until the train left the station and then he started screaming.

Wow. Imagine people….SCREAMING….on a roller coaster. What a barbarian.

#CAROUSELFIE

Fun fact: we did not take a carouselfie at Carowinds because that park made me angry and I don’t want an ANGRY CAROUSELFIE on my wall of happiness.

Oh shit, this ride was pretty good! Busch Garden’s first wooden coaster and it was wild. Henry rode by himself on the train before ours, lol, he doesn’t even bother trying to get on the same ride as us anymore.

Also – new credit for Chooch, since this was built two years after we last visited!

OMG there was DRAMA when we were line for Escape from Pompeii! FIRST, there was several girls in line who were wearing crop tops and the ride operator got on her microphone to announce that shirts must be worn on this ride, and bikini tops or sports bras or shirts that could pass as sports bras ARE NOT ACCEPTABLE. The girls in line were like DA FUQ and even I, the Ageing Prude, thought that the girls were appropriately covered. I mean, it’s summer – crop tops and belly shirts are everywhere. They definitely did not look scantily clad to me, nor did their shirts even remotely resemble bikini tops!?

I stopped paying attention so I don’t know what happened after that but I think they must have pled their case because I did not see them leave.

Then the ride operators eased up on the fashion policing because the security footage showed them that someone on one of the in-flight boats HAD STOOD UP INSIDE THE BUILDING AND WAS SWINGING OFF THE BOAT whatever that means?!!?

There is all kinds or pyrotechnics poppin’ off inside the ride building so I can only imagine the dangers that could have befallen them, not to mention they endangered the other people in the boat!

The BOAT IN QUESTION happened to return right when we were boarding ours, so I got to hear one of the ride operators stroll over there in FULL ON BAD COP persona and demand, “So which one of you was it” and they all played dumb. I’m so pissed that we were already boarded and not still standing in the line because I wanted to see how this was going to play out!!

Chooch’s memory of this ride was much richer than what it actually is. I mean, yeah the building part is cool but it’s no Splash Mountain. (Gotta throw Disney a bone every now and then, I’m not a total monster!)

Anyway, that’s us in the backseat. I was super smug because I managed to keep my pink lemonade Vans 100% dry, Mary!

We walked past this ride about 10 minutes later and IT WAS SHUT DOWN. Was it because of the BOAT SWINGER!?!

But then we found this kiddie coaster that wasn’t there the last time because the entire kiddie area is new. Henry said it’s not new but Chooch and I are always right and I definitely do not remember an entire Sesame Street area? Go on and Google it if you want and let me know if I’m a liar, Linda, because I don’t care enough to do it myself.

Anyway, we got yelled at kind of because it was a station wait, but then it looked like there was an open seat on the train  that was being loaded so we shrugged and decided to just take it because who cares about waiting for the front row on a fucking Grovermobile, but as we went to step inside, not one, not two, BUT THREE ride attendants yelled, “NO NO NO” and batted us away. Apparently, the seat was already taken by a parent and little kid who had to step across to the other side of the station in order for the kid to be measured AND GUESS WHAT THEY DIDN’T END  UP RIDING IT ANYWAY, THANKS FOR SCOLDING US FOR NOTHING, ASSHOLES.

Chooch was so angry with me because he had wanted to wait for the front seat anyway and I was the one who was like WE AIN’T GOT TIME FOR THAT SHIT LET’S JUST STEAL THIS SEAT HERE BRO.

Anyway, one of the ride attendants was actually getting trained and we learned here that when an attendant needs to cross the track to the other side of the platform, the have to make an X with their arms and yell CROSS.

I was really excited about this.

Also, the guy who was doing the training looked mean. Well, he DID yell at us, so that may have swayed my opinion.

Um, this ride was supposed to open last year, then this summer, but it’s not even being tested daily so who knows!? But it looks so good and I already can’t wait to go back once it’s open.

The one and only negative thing (aside from the understaffing resulting in a bunch of food places being closed) was the lack of hand sanitizer around the park. I mean, we are still very much in a pandemic and even though many of us are vaccinated, we are not invincible! Hand washing and sanitizer will forever be something I do obsessively now and I was so angry every time I pushed down on ANOTHER empty sanitizer pump. Ughhhhh.

And yeah, the understaffing thing is such a problem at every park, and it is really sad. I am trying to give parks a pass when it’s clear that Covid is directly correlated with me having a bad time at a park, so I cannot dock points from Busch Gardens because I was unable to deep throat an ice cream cone because their ice cream shop was closed for the entire day/probably whole season.

But come on, do better with the sanitization amenities, Busch Gardens, jeez. What do you think this is, 2019??

Then we ate pizza at Festhaus which was a MISTAKE because we all got sick from it. It was so good but way too much. Also, Chooch snuck that $5 pickle log on his tray and then only took two bites.

LOL.

Then a storm rolled through and we had to take cover but I will be back for my post-storm thoughts later because Henry just had the audacity to sneeze without warning me and now my evening is ruined. That motherfucker.

One of my favorite things about Wildwood as a kid was all the cool ass neon signs along that main drag of motels. I didn’t know that “doo wop” is not just a music genre but also a type of architecture until I watched a Wildwood documentary last year (BRUCE WILLIS IS IN IT). I’m really glad that this stuff is preserved as best as it can be because it’s glorious.

On Thursday night, I was really close to hitting 40,000 for the second time since I started Fitbitting at least 6 years ago, so I made Henry walk around the block and check out the neon signs with me. It really is like a mini-Vegas strip out there.

Here are some of my faves!

You guys I was OBSESSED with the Waikiki when I was little. We always stayed across from it at the Olympic but one year I got my grandparents to be like OMFG OK and we stayed at the Waikiki!! Here’s a picture of MY MOM AND ME having breakfast in the rooftop restaurant!!

Oh man it gave me chills to see this bitch ip close again!!

Then next door is my beloved, my BAE, the Olympic. This place definitely rebranded since I was last there. It used to be the Olympic Motor Inn and definitely did not have that intense neon bling clinging to the side. Damn.

That’s originally where I wanted to stay when we were planning this trip a few mths ago but holy shit, rates were poppin’ off. Was it that expensive when my family used to go?? Jesus.

So dumb Henry ended up getting a room across the street at the GOLD CREST which was fine I guess (I mean, don’t worry, I still threw a massive it when we got there on Wednesday but that’s a story for another day, Mary) but THE SIGN WAS NOT COOL!!

And the rooms didn’t have cool colored lights outside of them, like our neighbor the Cara Mara. I was really angry about this and finally Henry said, “SORRY. NEXT TIME I’LL ASK ‘excuse me, but can you tell me what you’re night time light package is like?’ BEFORE I COMMIT TO A HOTEL.”

Lol. He gets so mad!

Meanwhile:

The last time I crossed the 40,000 step threshold was EXACTLY four years ago when we were in Toronto for the GDragon concert!

I really hate to start off my roller coaster birthday road trip posts on a bad note, but our first park was not great, Bob.

(Fun fact: I have never watched a single episode of Mad Men* but my friend Sandy would always quote from it when I sat near her in the office.)

(*I have always been interested in watching it though!)

Anyway. As I mentioned in the live blog from Day 1 of this trip, we did pop into Carowinds on Saturday evening after we arrived in the Charlotte-esque area and checked into our hotel.

The first thing you see from the parking lot and as you’re walking through the entrance is Carowinds massive, hulking giga coaster, Fury 325. This is 100% the sole reason we came to this park.

Now, I knew it would be crowded since it was a Saturday night so that is not a thing I will be complaining about here. My issue was that the ride operators and attendants on *most* of the coasters were slow and acted bored, the lines were a fucking mess because people were cutting left and right, the app was worthless as far as wait times go, and the park aesthetically was nothing special to look at.

The line for this piece of shit ride was actually relatively short but no one was checking Fast Lane, the two ride attendants were stuck in “meander mode” took anywhere from 3-6 minutes to get a train ready to send, and the queues in the station were a straight-up cluster fuck. We waited nearly an hour FOR AN ARROW CORKSCREW COASTER.

We came back the next day right before gates opened in an attempt to join the running of the bulls to Fury.

There were many annoying families with humungous strollers, and since we were in THE SOUTH, people were really giving a shit about singing the National Anthem before the security guard opened the gate for us. I think it’s REALLY WEIRD that some amusement parks go through this whole patriotic rigamarole, but I also pretty much hate America, so there’s that. Henry didn’t take his hat off like most of the other ‘MURRICA men did, so that made him kind of attractive to me in that moment, though I’m sure he just forgot to remove it and he wasn’t actually MAKING A STATEMENT.

I will say this: the crew working on Fury 325  that morning WAS EXCELLENT. They were fast and efficient and you could tell they took their jobs seriously. It was the first time since exploring Carowinds that it finally felt like we were at a Cedar Fair park, so that was super nice. If you have ever been to Cedar Point, you know that even when it is insanely crowded and rides are breaking down, the staff there is SO PROFESSIONAL and on top of things.

You can’t have an elite giga coaster at your park and assigning ops to ambivalent teenagers.

ANYWAY. We got a back row ride, after only waiting about 10 minutes (if even!) and I was SO HAPPY. It was just as fierce as I imagined it would be, and I wasn’t underwhelmed at all. I even made the bold statement that it was my new favorite giga – it’s our 4th one! Henry and Chooch wouldn’t commit to this lofty declaration, though they both agreed it was a phenomenal time.

Next, we had to book it on over to the other park’s premier attraction, their newest coaster Copperhead Strike. It has a multi-launch so I was really excited for it because I love launched coasters (well, mostly—am not a fan of strata coasters like Top Thrill Dragster because that launch is just a bit too much for my weakened old lady heart). The line was still pretty short but Henry to pee first; Chooch and I will 100% not wait for him anymore when he pulls this “I have to pee” bullshit so we were like, “Have fun with that” and got in line without him. He did eventually get in line and actually wasn’t too far back. But, we’re not ASSHOLES like it seems most park-goers are so we didn’t frantically and blatantly wave him over to us. I swear to god, people put placeholders in the form of other family members in almost every line we were in, and then like 7 people would do the EXCUSE ME PARDON ME routine until they were practically at the fucking station.

Anyway, Chooch and I got a back row ride. He really liked it. I thought it was just ok. Henry managed to cut off a Fast Lane group at the station just in time to snag on the front row when it was his turn to ride and he ended up really liking it too. Maybe I need to get in more rides, I dunno, but I was just expecting a little more I guess. And the launches were so weak, like why even bother.

It *does* have a Jo Jo Roll right out of the station though and I looooove screaming JO JO ROLL so that was a nice perk.

Cedar Fair parks are doing some weird Grand Carnivale festival thing which we 100% did not care about and made a point of missing the parade, lol. But you can purchase a tasting card and go around to various tents to try food from around the world. South Korea wasn’t one of the places so what did I care.

We got lucky and just happened to be walking past Night Hawk – the park’s flying coaster – right as the line opened so we jumped on that. And good thing too because that line got LONG REAL FAST. I mean, even getting in line that early, we were still behind the people that had already lined up in anticipation of it opening, so we had to wait about 20-30 minutes anyway (plus, ops were slow AF). Chooch and I entertained ourselves by waving to the people on the nearby mine train ride.

When it was finally our turn, we rode in a row with this single rider lady who was SO FRIENDLY and excited that it was our first time on it. Also, she said we were lucky to be riding it right then, because the line had grown so significantly since it opened that it was pushing a 2 hour wait time.

Um, after riding Night Hawk, I can confirm that it would not be worth that wait. But also, I do not like flying coasters, and this one was old and janky. I had NO IDEA what was going on for most of it because I was so fixated on the rattling and trying to remember the words to the Hail Mary.

But yeah, that lady we rode with was so sweet and one of the only highlights of the Carowinds experience.

(I will say that most of the people there were pretty inoffensive. It wasn’t like when you go to Holiday World and all the dads look like middle-aged bloated Jonny Craigs just released from prison.)

I begged Henry and Chooch to ride the mine train after this. I don’t know why, but I get the biggest kick out of mine train coasters! Sadly, this was another ride where some skanky pre-teen saved a spot in line for her younger siblings and frumpy mom who said, “Is it OK if we just squeeze on by.” I mumbled, “Not really,” as she SQUEEZED ON BY and hit me with her ugly-ass quilted mom bag that she probably traded in a diaper bag for.

We all look exactly how we feel on the inside here: overheated, tired, cranky.

Again, the line wasn’t very long but it was still an excessive wait, and then once we got to the station we saw why: THAT GIRL WAS THE SAME RIDE ATTENDANT ON CAROLINA CYCLONE THE NIGHT BEFORE. Ugh. Her name is Adora, by the way. Someone give her an intravenous Red Bull treatment, please.

LOL I love it when Henry has to stand in a line by himself, and also when it looks like his mustache got extensions.

Anyway, this was a fun, cute little mine ride! And it had a surprise tunnel! I LOVE WHEN RIDES HAVE TUNNELS THAT I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT! Chooch does not share this love.

At Carowinds, half the park is in North Carolina, and half is in South Carolina. I think North Carolina got the better rides, ngl.

OK the sleeper hit of the park for me was Afterburn. I say sleeper hit, because I only even hear people jerk off over Fury and Intimidator (and now Copperhead Strike) so I honestly hadn’t heard much about anything else in the coaster line-up. Plus, this bitch is kind of hidden in a weird location – we had to walk through Camp Snoopy to get there (and btw, that was the only area that I thought was pleasant – everything else was like a blacktop hellscape).

Henry opted out of this one, but then seamlessly stepped into the CRINGEY DAD ROLE when he cut all the way through the Fast Lane just to give Chooch a cup of Power Ade, causing everyone in line to stare at us. To be honest, I wasn’t even really paying attention when this happened, but Chooch was like digging himself a grave right there on the spot, he was so mortified.

“NOW EVERYONE IS AWARE OF US,” he kept hoarsely whispering to me.

Anyway, ops were soooooo bad on this. First of all, some jackass in the same row as us waited until the last minute to be like, “EXCUSE ME DO YOU HAVE ANY GREY POUPON” and I mean obviously that’s code for, “hey pal I know you guys just locked the restraints but I JUST NOW REALIZED that I am wearing my glasses and could you be a dear and put them over there on the side for me” and of course the ride attendant was like, “hell no, we can’t touch your shit because if it breaks you’ll try to blame us” SO THEY UNLOCKED EVERYONE’S RESTRAINTS JUST SO FOUR EYES OVER HERE COULD PUT HIS OWN GLASSES IN THE BIN.

Then after everyone got settled for the second time, the ride attendant came BACK TO OUR ROW and said, “Can you  guys take these seats up here instead” and so the two guys next to me took their restraints off AGAIN and got out of their seats and I was like WHAT IS HAPPENING ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MOVE TOO but no one was answering me and then two different guys came to our row and a different attendant was like HELLO PLEASE GIVE YOUR SEAT TO HIM to me and I was like WHAT WHY so Chooch and I had to move over to the now-vacated seats left by those other dumb guys.

Well, this was all a really long story just to say that I was apparently sitting in the oversized seat and some oversized dude needed it way more than me. But it was a lot of musical chairs and shuffling around. I was actually really scared for them to even send the train at this point but after sitting in the station for nearly 10 minutes, our train was finally cleared.

And it ended up being my favorite ride of the day after Fury, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT. And it had surprise tunnels!!

I think that I really, really, really love B&M inverts.

I made Henry stand here because MILITARY AIR CRAFT, ETC.

“The caption should be ‘god bless America,'” Chooch said.

We also did Plants v. Zombies mostly because we wanted to sit an air-conditioned building because it was 95 degrees out there that day.

We were on the Zombie side and got creamed by the Plants because we had almost all children on our side and obviously they suck and should not be allowed to compete in such games.

Meanwhile, I was being POUTY ERIN which was actually my default personality on this trip because I wanted to ride Intimidator, Carowind’s hypercoaster, but Chooch kept saying THAT LINE IS SO FUCKING LONG ARE YOU KIDDING and I kept getting vetoed. But right before we left the park, I shouted, “I AM GOING TO CHECK OUT THAT LINE AGAIN” and it looked about the same but this time Henry had the audacity to cross Chooch by saying, “It actually doesn’t seem that long.” So, with Chooch being all huffy, we got in line and GUESS WHAT YOU GUYS IT ACTUALLY WASN’T THAT LONG.

It was maybe only around 30 minutes. And when all three of us are standing in line together, I don’t mind waiting. It’s when it’s just Chooch and me that I feel like I’m dying slowly in quicksand because most of the time he is too caught up in his stupid Dischord chat group to pay any attention to me and if I dare to speak to him while he’s texting, I get the Teenage Hiss of Fury in response.

It was around this moment in line when IN THE AIR TONIGHT started to play!! Phil Collins to the rescue!

You guys, I thought this was…..pretty good! Chooch and I had a Big Fight because he said that this is the one that people call InTRIMinator because of all of the trim brakes on the tracks but I was adamant that it was Intimidator 305 at King’s Dominion.

Um, anyway, I hate being wrong. Moving on…

Some random single rider rode with Henry and Chooch and I LOVE TO SEE IT. We get the biggest thrill out of seeing Henry riding uncomfortably with a stranger, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY START TALKING TO HIM, which this guy did once we reached the break run and ended up having to sit there for a few minutes while the ride attendants HOSED OFF the train that was in the station because I think someone yakked on it maybe.

We decided to leave for real after this, because the lines for everything were only getting longer as the day went on and it was SO FUCKING HOT. We got most of the coasters checked off the list and Chooch didn’t seem too broken up about skipping the remaining 4 coasters (2 of which were kiddie/family coasters).

And that’ll do it for our time at Carowinds, a park that I would not lose any sleep over if told I could never go back.

Hi from the miserable car ride home. It’s my 42nd birthday today and Henry thought I’d be ok with it being a travel day. He literally does not know me even after 20 years LOL.

The morning was good at least because we were still in Wildwood, but it all went downhill after we checked out and went to Six Flags Great Adventure but I guess that’s kind of expected because how do you top Wildwood?

Surprise flight to Korea, or GTFO I guess.

Some broad offered to take pictures of me and Henry at this WILDWOODS sign when we first got there at 7am this morning and I 100% did not want this to happen but didn’t have the heart to say no so she took a series of really ugly pictures of us that will never see the lift of day and I do appreciate her effort but then we had to pretend like we were leaving so we could come back and take real ones but she hung around for so long with whatever baby she had in a stroller, I think she was its grandma, but who could be sure.

I didn’t have a cake or anything birthday-ish today, although Henry and Chooch did stop in some bakery called Let’s Get Baked in some tiny town called Allentown, NJ after we left Six Flags. They got some cupcakes and a cookie. The cupcakes weren’t terrible but I also think they’re taking great liberties by passing them off as such because they had the consistency of cornbread.

Six Flags Great Adventure was the best Six Flags we’ve been to so far, ambiance and ride attendant-wise, but THREE of their BIGGEST COASTERS were down (one of which we knew about going in, but the other two were surprises) and then while we were there, two more went down, so all of the other big coasters had massive lines even though the park wasn’t crowded at all, because where else was everyone supposed to go?! We did get some rides in (Chooch got his Kingda Ka credit before it went down so – yay? I hate strata coasters so this was not a highlight for me).

We left after about five hours and ate dinner at some place in NJ called Club House Diner which was supposed to have a vegetable panini, grilled cheese, and veggie burger option according to their website.

When we walked in, I was like OH FUCK YEAH THIS IS THE JOINT because it was totally my style: all brown and tacky, looking like one of those family restaurants from the 60s that families probably got a little dressed up for. But now it’s just an outdated diner with a modpodge menu and a salad bar that no one in their right mind should be digging into during a pandemic yet we watched Elders going back for thirds and fourths.

But then guess what guys guess what no really guess I’ll wait.

THE WEBSITE WAS OUTDATED and none of the options i mentioned above were on the menu. CHooch was able to order a grilled cheese off the secret menu (sike, everyone knows you can request a grilled cheese) but I was like NO I WILL JUST ORDER SOMETHING I DONT WANT OUT OF PRINCIPLE so I got the “healthy vegetable omelette” made with egg whites and it might have been healthy-ish until the pile of hash browns sidled up next to it.

I ate about half and wanted to die, and then I got even more angry when we went to leave and I walked past the dessert case to see a delicious-looking CARROT CAKE and also a bangin’ apple pie but NO I wasted my “birthday treat” on a shitty cupcake and mediocre cookie. Choices were made.

If it weren’t for the super friendly waitress and the “my grandparents used to love that place” vibes, I would have been super pissed.

Oh also Chooch made my coffee splash all over my place mat when he got up to go to the bathroom so that WAS ANOTHER STRIKE AGAINST THIS DAY.

So I made him take a mirror selfie with me after he wasted two dollars in the claw machine on the way out.

Henrys trying to say that it’s not his fault today sucks, it’s because Wildwood left the bar so high, like that’s going to work on me.

Anyway. You know you’re old when you have to pause to think real hard about your age and then it ends with finger-counting, calculator math, asking a friend. But I’ve confirmed that I am, in fact, 42 today even though I’m pretty sure I thought I already was 42 for this whole past year.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go buy myself a Mister Softee t-shirt for my birthday.

Hello from a Thursday in Wildwood! We’re having a dandy time and are currently resting in the room before Nighttime Boardwalk Action so I would like to take this time to update you, Dear Diary, about my newest random obsession: MISTER SOFTEE.

I understand that it’s a chain but we do not have these in Pittsburgh, so when I first heard the menacing ice cream truck-esque jingle wafting across the boardwalk, I was instantly lassoed.

“Why is this so great?” Chooch asked in a tone steeped in his signature teenage malaise.

“Because the logo is so terrifying! It’s like straight out of a horror movie! IT LOOKS LIKE HE’S BLEEDING DOWN HIS NECK,” I excitedly wheezed.

“Ask the girl if they have shirts for sale,” I begged Henry, but he wouldn’t because he said he didn’t think they did and obviously he knows everything.

“Ok then ask her if we can buy her shirt,” I said. “Excuse me can we buy your shirt?” I coached him to say, but he would NOT DO IT.

Don’t worry though. Henry checked the Mister Softee website and I can buy a shirt from there THANK GOD.

I had a Fruity Pebbles…Storm? I think that’s what their Blizzard-esque things were called. Was it mind-blowing? I mean not really but I love anything Fruity Pebbles so it was delicious. But it was the Mister Softee logo, not flavor, that captured my soul and made me a disciple.

My favorite part though is when Henry attempted to Shazam the ice cream truck-y tune and discovered that it was sampled in this SUPER KID-FRIENDLY song lol:

Hello from vacation. We were at King’s Dominion all day yesterday and stayed over in Baltimore. Now we’re en route to our next stop so I am updating from the car!

On Monday, we went to Busch Gardens (I keep wanting to add an “e” to the end of Busch for some reason, thankfully auto-correct won’t let me) and I collected some pictures of Henry’s back which I will now share with you and you and ok fine, even you.

The “Gotta Get To the Rolly Coaster Before Everyone Else” shot.

The “Ditched His Old Family, Picked Up a New One, They’re Slow Too & Now He’s Got an Extra Kid” shot.

Bonus shot of Full Frontal Henry. This is the “Even Michael Myers Gets PTO and When He Does, The Mask Comes Off & He Goes to Theme Parks” shot.

The “FOLLOW THE STENCH OF BEER-N-MEAT” shot.

The “Thinking This Park Would Be Better if It Was Called Faygo Gardens & Now Wondering What His FAYGO Friends Are Doing Without Him in the Warehouse” shot.

The “Acknowledging My Family Long Enough To Show Them Turtles in the Water” shot.

The “Waiting Out the Storm, Thank God We’re By a Bathroom” shot.

The “HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU PPL” shot.

The “Someone Dared Scream My Name While I’m Inhaling a Soft Pretzel Which I Still Had Room For Even After Eating My Own Pizza and Then Finishing Off My Family’s Leftovers” shot.

The “If I Hear You Cry About Wanting to Ride the Loch Ness Monster ONE MORE TIME I will GIVE YOU SOMETHING REAL TO CRY ABOUT and It May Or Not Involve Being Bitch-Slapped By My Own Personal Loch Ness Monster” shot.

The “Thinks We’re Leaving But Erin & Chooch Will Foil That Plan By Proceeding to Wait 90 Minutes In Line For a Roller Coaster That Is Not Going to Be Cleared To Resume Operations Because There Is Lightning All Over The Williamsburg Skies But I Guess I Will Find A Bench To Park My Pizza Cheese-Corked Butt Hole and Read Reddit” shot.

***

Ok that’s all for now – we’re 40 minutes from our next destination – WILDWOOD!!

Usually we opt to grab something fast and boring from the hotel’s complimentary breakfast because we’re in a hurry to get somewhere, but this morning we actually had some time since we were only an hour away from our next destination (King’s Dominion in Doswell, VA). So we drove around Williamsburg (and saw some places we remembered from last time in 2015!). Chooch saw a sign for Ripley’s Believe It Or Not and said, “There’s a Ripley’s Believe It Or Not here??”

“Yeah,” henry deadpanned, “and believe it or not, we’re not going.”

“Wow you’re so funny,” Chooch and I said in tandem.

ANYWAY. Henry was being all bitchy because all the PANCAKE HOUSES and whatnot were packed.

He made an offhand remark about how Mama Steve’s was the only one that didn’t look crowded but that “concerned” him. When he drove past it again, I was like, “Just go here, it doesn’t look that empty” also I didn’t give a shit because my stomach has been a’bubble with anxiety this whole trip and I knew going into this breakfast game that I was just getting oatmeal and like, all breakfast places have that shit on the menu.

Dude. You guys. From the instant we walked through the doors, I knew this place was The One. It smelt of the 1960s and was the perfect shade of blue.

I was smitten. They could have had actual bricks of shit on the menu (or worse: LIVERMUSH) and I would have just been content with a cup of coffee and that good good retro ambiance.

I turned around to take this picture JUST AS A WAITRESS WAS COMING OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

We made eye contact and I think she hated me for a while but our waitress was super nice so who cares I guess, nothing was gonna bring me down in MAMA STEVE’S.

The color of the walls was mildly reminiscent of my grandparent’s dining room (Gillcrest respect) and this just made me want to gather the whole place up in my arms and squeeze it into my HEAVING BOSOM.

It’s hard to find the accurate words but this restaurant made me feel some kind of weird nostalgia for a time when families went on vacations in a station wagon and the Dad wore Hawaiian shirts and polyester pants.

I kept waiting for the Brady Bunch to come strolling in for some eggs n’ OJ before a day of exploring Colonial Williamsburg where some high school Thomas Jefferson cosplayer will inevitably fall in love with Marsha but JAN LIKES HIM.

MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA.

Meanwhile, some local Williamsburg rockabilly thugs are teaching Greg and Peter how to smoke TOBEY TREES while Bobby and Cindy accidentally uncover some ancient Presidential thing under a rock.

Me: I’m obsessed with it here. Aren’t you?

Chooch, glances around: No.

Me: But it’s got aesthetic. Vibes. It’s a whole mood.

Chooch: Omg shut up.

And then an instrumental cover of Steely Dan’s Babylon Sisters came on!!

Meanwhile, chooch asked the waitress if the vegetarian omelette had mushrooms in it.

“No,” she said apologetically, like that was going to be a deal breaker.

“Then I’ll take it,” Chooch said happily. He hates mushrooms which breaks my heart.

Mmmushrooms.

Me: I need to buy Mama Steve’s memorabilia.

Henry: I doubt they have anything.

Me: Well I’ll just go up with you when you pay and see for myself.

That bastard almost beat me there but I made it there as he was handing over the credit card, JUST IN TIME to pant, “AND THIS” as I slid a commemorative COFFEE CUP onto the counter. WHEW. #blessed #mamasteves4l

This is definitely going to be my go-to traditional dining spot next time we’re in Williamsburg (which shouldn’t be too far in the future because Busch Gardens should be opening their new coaster at some point I would hope since it was supposed to open in 2020 and is currently SBNO – standing but not operating).

PS it is three days later but I am back to add that two people at Mama Steve’s we’re wearing PITTSBURGH PENGUINS shirts and I heard one of the shirts-wearers say that he was ORIGINALLY FROM PITTSBURGH. Normally I have zero hometown pride but for some reason I get so stoked when I see someone wearing Penguins stuff when we’re on vacation. That’s all. Bye.

…aside from Carowinds, which was most of the afternoon.

*(EDITORS NOTE: omg I don’t even know what day it is anymore. These are things we did on SUNDAY.)

We had some time to kill in the morning and Roadside America told me that we were mere minutes away from the site of the abandoned Heritage USA, the religious “theme park” created by Jim & Tammy Faye Bakker back in the day (late 80s? Early 90s? Who could be sure. Well, Google could but Vacation Erin don’t be caring).

The site is actually an operational church now (probably one of those wack ones no doubt) that contains some artifacts from the old Heritage USA Main Street but if anyone is going to get sucked into an extreme religion, it’s me so I lost interest and opted not to pursue this any further. Then Henry was like OH SHIT YOU GOTTA SEE THIS HOUSE WE JUST PASSED and when he turned around, I screamed “That’s the place I said you wouldn’t want to go, the Upper Room!!!” I didn’t realize we were that close to it! So he pulled in the parking lot and let me and Chooch off the leash long enough to walk the perimeter.

It’s supposed to be an exact replica of the room in which the Last Supper took place but of course it wasn’t open yet so I couldn’t peep that shit for myself. But I guess I will take their word for it?

When we were walking through the outside parts of the building, Chooch said, “It smells like your pappap’s house” and it really did. It’s hard to explain the scent but it’s old, musty, and nostalgic. Earthy kind of, too.

Then I spazzed out and cried about leaving my cats and we almost canceled the rest of the trip and came home but then I calmed down and we went to Carowinds except that if you know me, you know that this likely dragged on for an hour and was way more intense and hilly than any coaster we’d be riding that day.

BIG LOL.

Ugh.

We left Carowinds around 4 after doing everything we really wanted to do and making an executive decision not to wait 60+ minutes in line for a boomerang and a wild mouse just for credit purposes, and somehow managed to find a veg-friendly restaurant in Charlotte with actual ease and little frustration.

It was called FLOWER CHILD.

And it was wonderful. They had kombucha on tap.

Only I got kombucha. Henry and Chooch grimace at that heavenly nectar.

I got the Glow Bowl which had sweet potato noodles and a vegan-based curry. It was so filling, I couldn’t finish it all and that is unlike me. Henry also got some hippy bowl of some sort and actually liked it and also said that he was surprised how filling it was considering it didn’t appear to be much food. Chooch got a Thai tofu wrap and left all the vegetables but at least he ate the tofu.

Everyone was so friendly there and the aesthetic was 100% my style.

Look how cute the bathroom was!!

After we left, we were walking back to the car, which we had parked on a street about a block away. As we were approaching it, I saw that the drivers side door was open–not fully but also a bit more than just ajar. In my head I thought, “that can’t be our car” and then “OMG THATS OUR CAR.” I ran over with my heart in my throat but somehow, all of our stuff was still there. I had my backpack on the floor of the front seat, with my laptop in it but everything was untouched.

Henry was so confused because he said he knows he shut the door so we have NO IDEA what happened, if someone tried to get in but the alarm went off maybe? I mean, we weren’t on some desolate street – it was right across from a brewery that had plenty of patrons dining outside so — not very conducive for car-jacking or petty theft I guess? It was a very yuppie area.

Man we dodged that bullet but it took a while for my heart rate to go down, that’s for sure.

We drove to downtown Charlotte after that and attempted to walk off some of that anxiety-driven adrenaline. There was this cute city park that I wanted to see because there are giant bronze book statues according to roadside america and I, as you know, am a book dork. Chooch was soooo annoyed about this part of the itinerary.

Especially when I was being hyper-bossy about having my picture taken properly and then I hated every single one anyway so who cares.

I drew a portrait of Frederick Douglass in art one year in high school and I really think it was the best work I’ve ever done and I wish I still had it…why don’t I still have it?

DISCO CHICKEN! I have no idea what this really is but I loved it.

We started our drive to Durham afterward (we needed somewhere to crash on the way to Williamsburg, VA) and I found us an Ice cream joint in Greensboro called Lucha Libre and, as you’ve probably already ascertained by the name, it was bangin’.

This place was SO OVERWHELMING though. So many different things to order, some looked like they were just TOO MUCH though so we all chose something from what appeared to be the smallest, less decked-out menu.

I had such ordering anxiety that when it was my turn, I had to ask the guy what his favorite from that particular type was and he said “coconut” so I said, “Then that is what I want” and thank god because I truly love coconut. But I didn’t see it on the menu because everything had lucha libre and Spanish names with no descriptions so we were ordering blind.

But I don’t really think you could choose poorly at a place like that. I mean, unless you have an allergy of some sort.

Anyway, the guy who took our order ended up being the owner’s son (henry was “reading about the place” while we waited for our orders to be ready, apparently) and he told us that we came at a good time because usually the line loops around the whole place and that entire families (“You know, large families!”) come in after church and it can take over an hour for an order to be ready! It was just 25 minutes for ours and I didn’t mind because the place had a real festive atmosphere, like a dance party:

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I mean, they played NKOTB at one point so it was pretty lively lol.

I had to text my work pal Megan because we just had a full-fledged NKOTB discussion on Jabber last week because I was reviewing something for a company called Step By Step and naturally it injected that song into my head. Neither of us were on that New Kids-wagon back in the day but I gotta admit, I always really liked The Right Stuff – the bridge is what did it for me!

YESSSS. And each one came with a syringe of chocolate sauce, too. I *fully* enjoyed this experience but you better believe I dropped to the ground and did sit-ups later that night in our hotel in Durham – The Millennium, which was Shining-esque in its hallways and also smelled like my Pappap’s house??!! We were only there from 10pm-7:30am so I didn’t really get to explore but the room was pretty huge and I had ample space to do my “DO THIS EVERY MORNING TO LOSE WEIGHT” Grow With Jo workout that I woke up extra early for this morning and this shit better work lol.

Also, henry and Chooch both used the bathroom at Lucha Libre which was basically a shared bathroom within the strip mall and they both are still talking about “the hallway of death” that they had to walk along to find the bathroom and Chooch said he heard scraping coming from behind a door and now I feel really left out because I didn’t use the bathroom too :(

When we left, the owner himself thanked us for coming and he was so adorable and now I am obsessed with this place and the friendly people so if you are in Greensboro, go there. Also, bonus points for it being in a shopping center full of Korean businesses too! It is always a joy to see Hangeul signs in the US.

OK, now we’re en route to Busch Garden so I’m peacing out!

Nope, but you’re getting one anyway!

It is currently 7:33am and we just left the house for the first leg of my rollercoaster birthday road trip: Carowinds in North Carolina! South Carolina? It actually straddles the border, I think.

First stop: the Dunkin right down the street from our house. I just can’t with Sheetz coffee sometimes, you know? I just can’t.

When Henry starts wearing suspenders and sweat pants, we’ll know where he got the Inspo.

7:59am: SHEETZ

8:50am: SORRY I was READING A BOOK. But now I’m taking a break so I don’t puke. My Sheetz breakfast was good, now that I’ve discovered I can customize my beloved protein showdown flatbread.

My mom came over last night so I could show her things she will need while she’s watching the cats. “And then these are their plates for their treats,” I started, and I could feel Henry rolling his eyes from the other room but we’ve had this argument enough times and I refuse to remind him once again they’re PEOPLES and peoples shouldn’t have to eat their treats off the floor!

(Actually, we call them TRITS not TREATS.)

Then I had to show her all the squirrel food too and she was like omg.

Henry, 1970s Granola Dad, made his own batches of trail mix for the road and thinks he is SO AMAZING. I just watched him pop some in his mouth (knock knock Mr. Mustache, coming thru) and do a little shoulder shimmy.

9:32am: West Virginia rest area fun.

Henry said some guy came out of the bathroom with his pants still undone so now he’s really loaded up with style inspo. On the way out, we saw a sign on the hill and henry thought it said MUTILATED TRAIL so then that’s how my eyes saw it as too but chooch was quick to rain on our savage parade by clarifying that the sign said NATURALIZED trail. Boring.

I just saw a huge sign outside of a gym that said JUMPING JACKS FOR CHARITY and I want to play!! I love jumping jacks. It’s literally my favorite cardio.

10:30am: Pilot pee stop!

Chooch stayed in the car and told us he wanted a “fruit cup” but we found no such things so now he’s railing against us like we’re the world’s most incompetent parents and he can fuck right off lest he get uninvited to my rollercoaster road trip birthday party, little INGRATE.

10:59am: scenic overlook somewhere in WV! See also: Henry sucks at taking pictures. See also x2: woke Chooch up from a nap for this and now he EXTRA DOUBLY loves us.

11:15am: Just passed a farmers market and Henry said we should have stopped to get chooch his damn fruit and I said YEAH AND SMASHED IT IN HIS FACE.

“wow,” Henry murmured. Look, Chooch is currently my worst frenemy ok.

Also, how the fuck are we still in WV.

12:09pm: Oh wow another rest area. This one was next to that weird TAMARACK place that we drive past and never go to. Anyway, while I was peeing, the woman in the stall next to me sneezed so I said bless you. There was a moment of hesitation and then she said, “Thank you.” I wondered, as I was finishing up, if it was socially verboten to break the silence in a rest room. I mean, acknowledging sneezes is my THANG (never more than once though; you start with the follow-up sneezes and you’re on your own, Mary) so it just…came out.

Walking back to the car, I started to tell Chooch and he stopped me to squeal, “What?? You don’t talk to people in the bathroom! You just don’t! YEAH it’s weird” he answered before I even had a chance to finish asking his opinion.

She had aqua blue toe nails.

The sneezer did. All I could see of her was her feet and she was wearing sandals.

That’s all, carry on.

12:56pm: At Dolly’s Diner! Easiest food-finding experience of any road trip yet I think, you’re welcome fam.

“I put a star on it for you!” our waitress gleefully told Henry as she plunked his burger plate under his face. She reminded me of Henry’s mom a bit, if she had dyed burgundy hair and a southern accent.

The food itself was ok but the dessert selection was cray and what Chooch and I got (coconut cake and butterscotch lush) was DELECTABLE.

Henry didn’t order anything thinking he was going to share with me but lemme tell you something, Linda, I love butterscotch so much and that is how I know I’m going to make a great elder. Southern Judy even brought two spoons and I said “AW that’s cute that she thought I was going to share with you.”

I let that bitch have two small bites and he’s lucky he even got that.

What a pleasant experience. I would have liked to have bought a shirt as a memento because I have decided that my new thing is buying commemorative restaurant shirts, but Henry claims they didn’t have any for sale.

TUNNEL! THANK GOD!

We’re ten miles from Henry’s birthplace of BLAND, VA.

(We’re in Virginia now btw.)

I started jokingly calling Henry “daddy” and Chooch just mumbled “stop” from the backseat lol.

2:51: now we’re in NC! This drive has been super boring since my last check in because there’s been so much traffic and henry is also being super annoying and then I was openly weeping because SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE DOG in the book I’m reading and honestly that should be illegal for books to have pet death/illness in them.

3:07pm: We lost Chooch at the Brintle’s Travel Plaza which coincidentally is down the street from the Mayberry town we went to the last time we were out this way (see also: the live blog I just reposted the other day).

This place had an entire hallway of payphones!

And a game room!

And a mom asking her young son in the stall next to mine if he had to poop!

update: henry found chooch. He wandered back into the game room while henry was buying his BANG purple energy drank.

4:37pm: WE JUST DROVE BY CAROWINDS. I SAW FURY!! Going to check into whatever dive Henry booked a room at and then we’re heading on over for the rest of the evening!

4:59pm: you can see it from our floor!

5:44pm: Happy to report that we’ve been in the park for five minutes and Chooch and I are already arguing I hate him.

Some guy just cut all the way thru the line to get the number of the girl in front of me and it was so Romantic and not even a ruse to line jump because he got out of line right after. I WISH I WAS STILL YOUNG & DESIRABLE.

8:22pm: As expected Carowinds was v. crowded since it’s a Saturday so we rode two things then left since we’re coming back tomorrow (hopefully the ops aren’t as slow as they were tonight OMG for a cedar fair park, I was shook). So I found this metal head fountain thingie on Roadside America so here we are.

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Everything Henry is doing is so annoying btw.

Now we’re at Skyland Family Restaurant which really wants to be a classy Italian joint but just couldn’t help themselves by adding a breakfast menu.

LIVERMUSH…the fuck.

OUR WAITRESS JUST SAID “I APPRECIATE U FOLKS” and you know what? I APPRECIATE HER RIGHT BACK.

9:17pm: this family at the restaurant has a SCREAMING TODDLER with them and they are doing NOTHING to shut it up. I want to cry.

LOL I left. Henry is cleaning off everyone’s plates, as he does, and I am sitting in the quiet car.

10:06pm: fitness time!

I feel kind of bad because some guy was in there lifting and it seemed like we chased him out.

10:44pm:

Olympic swimming time! Cameo by Henry’s elbow to the left.

Well, I guess it’s time to end this. Day One of BIRTHDAY VACA THING was mediocre. Mostly driving, annoying amusement park experience, screaming restaurant baby, good evening hotel workout. BYEYEEEEE.

The day before we left for our little 4th of July weekend road trip to the Cincinnati-ish area of Ohio, Henry happened to see in whatever newsfeed he gets on his dumb phone that Stricker’s Grove, a small family-operated amusement park outside of Cinci, was going to open to the public on July 4th – THE DAY WE WOULD BE IN THE AREA. Why does this news require CAPSLOCK, you ask? Because this place is only open 4 times a year (the rest of the time they rent out to corporations for company picnics, etc) so the two wooden coasters inside this small, roadside park next to a fucking cornfield are considered RARE CREDITS.

I did quick math in my head and realized that if we stopped here before hitting up King’s Island, one of those two coasters could be Chooch’s 150th, which would be way cooler than anything at King’s Island, which is easily accessible!

One hiccup though was that we had plans to meet up with Christina and their fiancée Katie before going to King’s Island in the evening. Luckily, they were both on board with the change in plans and we arranged to meet at Stricker’s Grove at noon, when they ALLEGEDLY OPENED.

As previously whined about in my liveblog from Sunday, we quickly learned that while the park was open at noon, the rides were not scheduled to operate until 3pm! Which would have been helpful had they put this info on their website and not just their Facebook page, because hello, not everyone is on Facebook! (Also LOL @ the fact that someone just realized two weeks ago that I’m not on Facebook anymore when it’s been FOUR YEARS (June 2017, baybay) so wow, that was truly a solid friendship.)

Also LOL @ the fact that Christina have literally not seen each other in person (and barely even spoken) since 2012 (2011, even?!) and the very first thing I said to them in lieu of “hello” was “CHRISTINA I DON’T THINK THIS PLACE IS OPEN?! GO ASK!!”

If you are a real one, you know that we ended up leaving and getting lunch at Hyde’s, and then returning at 2:30. And good thing we didn’t wait any longer because while the line to get ride tickets was short at that time (see above!), within an hour the line was practically snaking out into the parking lot which means nothing to you since you have no frame of reference as to the PARK LAYOUT.

Daddy Warbucks purchased enough tickets for Chooch and me to ride both coasters and the carousel. But then we still had to wait for the gate to the ride area to open! I was so pee-jiggy! I sat with Christina and Katie under a pavilion while Chooch played skeeball only to have his tickets thieved by some rural child / future farmhand.

Then I noticed that people were gathering by the gate so we all walked (well, mine was more of a “I WANT TO RUN SO BAD RIGHT NOW BUT I WILL POWER WALK LIKE I’M HEADING TO MY WALLSTREET OFFICE” psycho-gait) over to join the small horde. I was getting angry because people kept passing us but I was trying to be calm and normal for Katie so she shouldn’t be completely turned off by my abrasiveness. Also, she is recovering from a broken fibula (??? some leg bone??) and I was being compassionate and considerate to her slower-pace because yes Henry, I can be a nice person!

However, as soon as the gate opened, Chooch and I were like SEEYA WOULDN’T WANNA BE YA and blew past everyone. Henry was happy to have friends matching his pace this time around.

We decided to ride the smaller of the two woodies first so that #150 would be Tornado, Stricker’s main attraction. We were in line behind a young guy wearing in B&M t-shirt (that’s a coaster manufacturer for you all you non-nerds reading this) and Chooch wanted to ask him what his favorite B&M is but then didn’t because he was afraid he’d ask Chooch the same and Chooch couldn’t decide which one he’d choose.

See also: Chooch never initiates conversations with strangers.

We made it on the second train of the day and I was fully prepared for some back-crunching action, but HOLY SHIT – this little guy was smooth AF! I heard that it had been retracked in like, 2017 or 2018 I think and I’m not sure if they did even more recent work on it but that wood felt and looked fresh, like it just came straight from the roller coaster forest. I mean, the ride itself was a very tame kiddie coaster at best, but the fact that it was running like slippers on silk made it seem exceptional. We could NOT stop gushing about how surprisingly good it was! And they sent us through twice!!

Then we ran over to the Tornado while our FAN CLUB continued to stand in their little huddle, probably talking about Faygo flavors and not acting as the paparazzo that Chooch and I truly deserve. Anyway, here’s a picture in line with a cornfield behind him.  We only had to wait for train and then we made it on the next one! This place ruled! We literally knocked the two coasters out within 10 minutes. THE HUSTLE.

Again – what a fucking smooth-ass ride! Stricker’s props to you for taking premium care of your rides. Again with the fresh track feel, and not only that, but the coaster LOOKS good too. I don’t know what I was expecting – something akin to Blue Streak at Conneaut I guess?! That bitch is a real back-breaker.

Weirdly, Tornado didn’t seem to have any signage, at least not that I could see?! Maybe it was on  the road side? So I had to just deposit Chooch in some random spot in front of it for his commemorative 150th coaster photo op.

This coaster was really quirky and fun. I’m so happy we got this lucky chance!

And here’s the Teddy Bear cutie. <3

After this, it was CAROUSELFIE TIME! Woo! (Remember when people used to say “woot” all the time? I really disliked that. IT RUBBED ME THE WRONG WAY, one might say.) Stupid Henry needed to lean the other way but he’s rude, so this is an accurate portrayal.

I got my foot caught in that pole when the horse was lowering – it was actually scary. Also, Katie said my hair is very thicc and that made me happy. We are keeping Katie.

Not winning.

(Also, Chooch and Katie bonded over Pokemon here. Christina tried really hard to insert themselves into the discussion but Chooch was not impressed. Because he’s my kid.)

So then Christina was like, “OK I will win his love through materialism, just like I did with his mother” except that they failed here too.

We dragged Katie and Christina on Teddy Bear after this because they had enough tickets and I swore on Taemin’s military beret that it was NOT rough and wouldn’t hurt her leg.

Henry’s One Job was to take a picture of us all on this, but aside from a picture of his finger, and a close-up of the people in the front row, this was the only picture he managed to eke out.

Christina and Katie both agreed that it was a smooth operation and even gave Chooch and me the rest of their tickets so we were able to ride the flying dumbo ride even  though we actually wanted to ride some spinny thing but we needed two more tickets and Henry, his mouth twisting around a piece of hay, was all I AIN’T WAITIN’ IN THAT LINE FOR NO MORE TICKETS, RIDE THE DUMBO OR LEAVE.

I texted Henry and told him to take a picture of us, but as usual he ignored me because he was probably trying to act like a big shot in front of a new person (“I DRIVE AROUND ON A PALLET JACK, KATIE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? IT IS A PIECE OF FINE MACHINERY THAT ASSISTS ME IN LIFTING CASES OF JUGGALO JUICE, NOT THAT I NEED ASSISTANCE.“) so then I texted Christina and said, “Henry is ignoring me, take our picture” and .003 seconds later, they turned around snapped this:

Like, wow. The effort is…palpable here.

Anyway, hours later, they were like, “Oh shit, sorry I’m just seeing this text now” so they actually just happened to take that picture of us randomly, at the same time I asked. SO WEIRD.

That cornfield tho.

Chooch really didn’t want to sit together but I made him.

Stricker’s was really popping off by this point! Henry DEFINITELY wasn’t buying any more tickets now.

Stricker’s Crew.

Then we got us some patriotic ice cream. Mmm’erica.

Here’s Chooch with his skeeball ticket trade-ins.

He might’ve had enough for a full hand of digits had he not let some mulleted toddler snatch his tickets!

Then we sat under the pavilion again and chatted and I was trying really hard to not be rude by checking the time constantly but my internal Type A child was screaming, “MUST GO TO KING’S ISLAND. THE BEAST IS CALLING.” So eventually we had to say goodbye which was sad but I know that we will be seeing everyone again because it was such a nice, easy reunion and Katie is a true gem, so I only felt A LITTLE bad saying goodbye.

Tornado from the road! There is literally no fence around it.

This was the best picture I could get of the sign because Henry wouldn’t pull over and made me take it from the car window. The actual worst.

Anyway, what a weird little hidden gem outside of Cincinnati! If you’re a coaster fan, ya gotta try to get out there and get those elusive creds, and then go to Hyde’s for some pie.

On our way from King’s Island this afternoon, we stopped at Rt 73 Diner in Wilmington, Ohio. It was a semi-rural looking area BUT I looked ahead and saw that they had VEGGIE BURGERS on the menu and I wanted that.

Chooch made us sit at one of the high-top tables which I never prefer but it was better than the tiny table we were also offered in between two giant parties of people. But that is besides the point.

When our waitress came over, it was pretty obvious she was borderline flustered. Then when she asked us how we doing, she responded to our reciprocation of the question with a very sarcastic, “Oh I’m doing just great.

”

Henry blurted out, “you look great.”

“Really?” she asked, looking up from her order pad.

And you guys…

He fucking said, “No.”

No!!!

Chooch and I were ready to slide under the table to shield ourselves from the eye-daggers she was launching at Henry.

I didn’t even know how to save him from that one aside from explaining to her what I thought maybe had happened, which was that his first response was supposed to be matching her sarcasm, meaning she looked the opposite of great so that when she asked him if he meant it, he said no. But I honestly didn’t want to walk into that fire, backdraft-style. So instead I just mumbled, “coffee and water” when she asked for my drink order.

Henry was perplexed when she left and chooch and I finally were free to voice our discomfort. He had no idea that what he said was insulting!

“You might as well have just told her to smile more,” Chooch cried.

So then Henry was pretty much ducking every time she came near us and I was trying to overcompensate by bubble-wrapping our table with pleases and thank yous.

Henry had the poor timing of snagging her when she was en route to another table, and asking, “can we get some napkins?” She gave him a really tight smile and actually spun on her heels to go back and get us napkins which she didn’t SLAM into our table but she also didn’t set them down GENTLY.

“Wow she really hates us,” Henry said sheepishly.

“Yeah, you literally made her hate us right away, after the first thing you said!” Chooch yelled.

“Just don’t ever talk again,” I pleaded.

Then as we were leaving, Chooch stood up right as she was about to pass from behind him and almost made her slam into him.

For what it’s worth, she really did look great regardless of the quality of day she was having. She reminded me a bit of our friend Dawn from Castle Blood and Dawn is pretty AF!

(Also during this lunch, Henry was trying to tell me shit about the recent semi-derailment of the coaster El Toro in NJ. “I already told you everything you just told me,” I said. Henry said that I didn’t “do a good job” giving him the facts BUT LUCKILY a fellow man explained it better so now Henry understands. Is it still mansplaining when it’s man-to-man? Or is it just plain explaining?)

Henry left the waitress a hearty tip and then we ran out of there. My veggie burger was super good, though the jury is out whether or not she spit in it. Hopefully just in Henry’s burger!

P.S. one of the waiters (maybe the owner?) opened a large freezer behind the counter and there at least 15 boxes of BOSCO STICKS all stacked up in there. Whyyyyyy. They’re fucking haunting me!

Oh hi hello annyeong, it’s me, Erin R. Kelly. I am home now from a whirlwind trip to Cedar Point and have many many many things to say about that but first I want to give a shout out to this bitchin’ small lake town in Ohio named VERMILION. It’s about 30ish minutes outside of Sandusky (home of Cedar Point, le duh), and just super fucking adorable and quaint. We actually stopped here on the way home from another Cedar Point trip in 2019 but it was a Sunday and nothing was open expect for a Hungarian restaurant that had nothing for vegetarians except for pretzels which would have been fine if Chooch and I didn’t require a full meal every now and then (i.e. when Henry remembers).

We stopped here to eat for real this time and then walked around for a bit and I do not usually think, “BOY I COULD LIVE HERE” but the thought did cross my mind once until I remembered: OHIO HAS WINTERS AND THERE IS A THING CALLED THE LAKE EFFECT, NOPE, NO THANKS. But it was a nice and breezy 70 degrees up in that piece today and that lake air kind of brainwashed me for a minute or two. Here are some pictures before I go upstairs and hit the hay HARD-LIKE.

#SmoothMove

We ate at Big Ed’s and can I just say once again how fucking exciting it is to be eating in restaurants again?! The power of vaccinations! We chose Big Ed’s because their menu boasted, DOWNRIGHT INSISTED, that they served VEGGIE BURGERS.

However, when Chooch tried to order one, the waitress’s face fell into a GOSH DARNIT expression as she relayed the bad news that they had unfortunately JUST RUN OUT OF THEM. So I asked if they had grilled cheese, which wasn’t listed on the menu, but she said they could do that for us and I was like THANK GOD LADY BECAUSE THIS PLACE IS THE FUCKING BEES KNEES (seems like something they’d say in Vermilion) AND WE DON’T WANT TO TAKE OUR MEAT-FREE BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.

I didn’t really desire a grilled cheese because Chooch and I both had one for a late dinner the night before after leaving Cedar Point at a very suspect family restaurant that wasn’t very satisfying and had no vibes of any sort but we did have a very nice waitress named Carey who made the experience OK; sometimes the waitstaff really does make all the difference and it was the same case here, too, because our waitress was so nice that we didn’t want to be like FUCK YALL CARNIVOROUS TOWNIE BITCHES and walk out.

Plus, this place was a whole ass retro mood (ruined only by the inexplicable need to be playing COUNTRY MUSIC instead of like, Frankie Valli or that 1950s “Lollipop” song on repeat). Henry even found one of his old lunchboxes on display. (This was after he divulged in the car that one of the first CDs he bought was MR MISTER – it was a big day of Henry Stuffs.)

I appreciated that my coffee came in this old floral cup. And the grilled cheese was better than DIANNE’S FAMILY RESTAURANT or whatever the place in Sandusky was called, who cares. However, the fries were better at the “who cares” place, BUT! Don’t get it twisted because they still weren’t “the good kinds.” I have a very specific french fry palate.

This place is like, renown for their ice cream and SODA PARLOR bullshit. Like, they have egg creams (had this one time ever in 1998 at a diner in Philly after the Dracula’s Ball and t’was not for me.) and PHOSPHATES which even Henry had to google because I guess even though he is old, he is not old enough to know the simple pleasures of stool-spinning at the soda fountain after school with Sally, sipping on PHOSPHATES.

They also had a milkshake that Henry ALMOST indulged in, called the Green River and I sort of wished he had ordered it but I’m also glad that he didn’t because I kept thinking about the Green River Killer. (I mean, I make serial killer for not-a-living, so come on.

)

After we ate, we strolled around town (“to digest,” I always say because I am an Old Person now). It was seriously the most precious place, even though every wall had may flies stuck to it. I don’t know if that’s what they were but it’s what Henry said and he knows everything, so. May flies.

Look at this quaint little Ohio Venice!

There was some informational placard about this light house but I got bored.

Just looking at Lake Erie. We’ve seen it before, but you know. Lake Respect.

After Chooch realized I was taking pictures, ugh.

And then I caught him mid-stretch, looking like he’s reciting some epic Shakespeare soliloquy to the lake.

He is not happy about this picture. Good thing the brat doesn’t read my blog.

And then we left and continued our drive home! I don’t think we fought at all, either! A miracle, really.

Maybe that’s why I’m so tired right now–from containing all of my tempers.

Mostly a photo dump since I was “liveblogging” on Saturday and apologies in advance if I have already posted some of these, my memory is shot and I’m too lazy to look at that post.

We took the metro into the city because who wants to fuck with driving and parking or Ubering amirite. Also, we’re kind of dorks and like to see what each city’s public transportation system is like OK maybe that’s just me. So far, Seoul’s subway system is the mack daddy of all transits, better respect.

I guess this one was OK but we only used to get there and back, no additional excursions because Henry was being a jerk about doing anything on top of the self-guided walking tour we did. Henry is such a great tourist, truly.

So glad Former Guy doesn’t live there anymore and yes Chooch, presidents live in the White House, I’m not sure who told you otherwise, probably one of Blake’s dumb friends in your stupid Discord chat.

Also, Chooch has a bruise on his arm because he’s a moronic klutz and not because Ma & Pa like to knock him around, ya hear?

A thingie.

A cool place.

The crowds were extremely tolerable the day we were there, surprisingly considering it was a Saturday and a bunch of Pride events were happening (we got to catch two small parades and it was so uplifting!).

Now here is a series of pictures of Chooch and me trying to pose naturally:

We really are the worst at having our picture taken together.

Oh also while this was going on, there was this FUCKING STUPID COUPLE that I hated who dinged their idiot scooter bell at us on a sidewalk and then wouldn’t pass us when we moved over for them and you guys, there is something about being dinged at that REALLY GRATES MY CHEESE, and it’s actually one of the few things I truly don’t miss about being downtown everyday – those fucking Pgh bikers can get fucked, honestly. Anyway,  I loudly said, “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ARE YOU GOING TO PASS US OR NOT” and then of course they ended up essentially being on the same tourist route as us and even after they ditched the city scooters, they WERE STILL IN MY WAY and then the guy portion of the couple HAD A MR. GRAY GUY SQUIRREL come over to him and I was like, “FUCK THIS SCOOTER BITCH AND HIS SQUIRREL CHARM!”

And then Henry started lecturing me about how I’m too hateful and you know what that did? THAT MADE ME EVEN MORE HATEFUL. STFU Henry, you Mr. Rogers try-hard motherfucker.

But aside from the scooter cunts, the rest of the day was actually really peaceful and even though the Lincoln Memorial was decently crowded, we were able to have a fair turn at getting our picture and no one was being assholes and no one was hogging the good spots. It was actually a super pleasant experience.

Henry just wanted to stand next to my hot dragonfruit purse (which can also be worn as a fanny pack!!!) and who can blame him, really.

This thing is actually horrifying on person.

I know I definitely already posted this Portrait of a Tree, but bae is too presh not to repost.

Also, Mr Gray Guys in DC are so much friendlier than the Mr Gray Guys at my house!!! These guys were like frolicking right up to people and I was so jealous. I am trying so hard to get the Mr Gray Guys at my house to love me but they treat me like #1 Predator even though THEY WATCH ME WITH THEIR OWN TWO EYES (well, or one if you’re One-Eyed Mr Gray Guy) as I put their food out everyday!! They literally flatten themselves into patties and then slither away like I can’t see them.

We started walking to the Capitol Building after this but it was like we were walking the wrong way on a people mover because it felt like we just kept farther away from it so here is where unanimously decided to break for a late lunch before one of us went from craving food to craving blood, and if you know Chooch and me, you know our hanger gets dangerously close to murder.

But then we made it to the Capitol and it is such a majestic sight when it’s not infested by disgusting MAGA rednecks and QANON derelicts!

The sun was raging on us and of course no one thought to bring sunglasses (thank GOD Henry didn’t bring his Molestor-y Uncle shades). So this was a fun series of posing.

Especially when Henry made us do it again, “unless you want some stranger lady’s ass in your photo,” he scoffed. Also, that discarded face mask on the steps to the left is peak pandemic, isn’t it?

Literally blinded by the light revved up like a DOUCHE blah blah etc la la la.

Then we moved over to a shaded area and that was better but by now the novelty of posing in front of the Capitol had burned off like a vampire’s skin in the sunlight.

Here is Henry consulting his phone and then telling me that nothing I wanted to do after this was reasonable.

SO WE LEFT. Well that’s not true. We had to walk a bit to the closest metro station and Chooch got an iced coffee at McDonald’s because you know what they say, when in DC, get a coffee at McD’s, and then we saw the Bible Museum or whatever it is and I said they should have shaped it like an ark and Chooch was like A WHAT and was ready to mock me because he thought I said arch and honestly, this is exactly the type of thing we would spend 35 minutes fighting about.

Henry had to ask the fare booth dude what side to stand on but Chooch and I were already down on the platform, standing on the correct side, because we can read signs. Henry is such a lame.

And then everything went to hell from there, but at least at the hotel (before I made them leave and find another one at 10:30 at night because I was freaking the fuck out), Chooch put on the shirt he was originally going to wear that day until I pointed out that we were both accidentally wearing red white and blue and then suddenly he realized his shirt was “too short” and changed but brought this one with him under the pretense of changing into it once we got there, which of course he didn’t, just like Henry conveniently left his hat in the car and I HATE IT WHEN HENRY GOES HATLESS because he’s also a dick when his hair is free-flowing and it’s just like how my aunt Sharon was always a BITCH (sorry Sharon, RIP, I love you) on vacation when she wore her hair in a ponytail.

UGH NOW I FEEL SO STRESSED OUT AGAIN.

Hello. It’s 7:42am and we are about to depart from our luxurious gravel driveway in Brookline to begin our little weekend road trip to Washington DC and Maryland, aren’t you so excited. Originally we were just going to go to Maryland on Sunday to see if we have better luck at that Six Flags but then we decided to make a weekend of it and visit DC since NONE OF US EVER HAVE if you can believe that. We were supposed to go in 2019 the day after the Super M concert but Chooch was all, “wah I have a test and I can’t miss school!” Ugh. Scholastic Chooch is annoying.

As usual, refresh for new updates throughout the day OR DON’T this is a free country.

Henry is already so annoying. He was wearing a white shirt with stains on it and I called him out on it before we left so then we had to wait for to rifle through his pile of Faygo shirts before he decided on an ugly gray button-down that I hate and I was wailing, “why can’t you just have a cool T-shirt collection like normal people this is so dumb!” I literally can’t stand it.

7:53am: only made it two miles before HNC texted henry and said, “you’re probably driving but call me when you can” and now I’m panicking because what if it’s about the squirrels and henry is like I AM NOT CALLING HIM BACK WITH YOU TWO IN THE CAR. I WILL CALL HIM WHEN WE STOP AT SHEETZ. So now I guess I will stew in my anxiety until Sheetz.

8:28am: Obligatory Sheetz stop. I got the Protein Showdown like I always do but Henry called it the Protein Showtime and it’s not even that big of a deal, I admit, but Chooch and I are heckling him hard.

8:33am: BIG UPDATE. Henry called back HNC at my incessant urging and apparently a piece of slate fell off his roof and hit his car and he wanted to know if anyone heard it. Henry said no but Chris should have just called me because I HEARD SOMETHING. We could have masterminded a great conspiracy theory together. Hopefully he’s not going to blame the squirrels because I actually think Mr Gray Guy may have been the culprit.

9:25am: we just crossed over the Youghiogheny reservoir thingie and Chooch said, “that looks like Bambi water” whatever the fuck that means and then Baekhyun’s “Bambi” came on Spotify.

That’s all.

10:07am: Hello from the Love’s restroom. Nothing to report. It was crowded so I couldn’t take my traditional road trip bathroom selfie. Then I came out and appear to have lost my family.

Found them, call off the APB.

You can always count on Love’s for clean bathrooms and gross accessories.

11:19am: there was all this traffic because of a truck that was trying to move over and no one was letting him and there was all this maniacal swerving happening. Henry was like turning inside out on his mad effort to defend the truck driver so I said, “why don’t you just pull over and give him a hug. Maybe you could…BUMP DOLLIES.” And then I was choking on my mirth as usual, and henry was pursing his lips trying not to give me the satisfaction of emitting even a sliver of a laugh.

“Those kinds of truck drivers don’t even use dollies,” was his eventual comeback. He sure showed me. Truly.

12:02pm: ugh I had to pee in a legit gas station bathroom:

Henry was like IT WAS NOT THAT BAD and ok at least the toilet was clean but I was afraid Jason Voorhees was going to burst out of that closet like the Kool-Aid Man but bloodier and less fruity.

Also I wish I was this skinny:

12:15pm: Air Supply’s Even the Nights Are Better just came on the Yacht Rock station and I screamed REMEMBER WHEN WE SANG THIS AT NORAEBANG IN KOREA to Henry and both he and Chooch mumbled no which is surprising since I sang my part with such epic gusto.

On the metro thingie getting ready to go to DC and Henry has already caused a commotion trying to get the metro cards thank god the fare booth recognized us a TOURISTS (Henry’s wearing his man purse, so) and came over to help us before henry made a fatal mistake.

It us.

I made Chooch sit in front of us in case I want to chat with him and that already had him set off so then when I told him to take our picture, HOO BOY.

2:04pm:

3:08pm: have had many arguments with SON OF THE YEAR so far but the best one was when he insisted that presidents don’t live in the White House ok cook on.

Also, I hate scooters.

3:36pm: I like to read up on cities before I go there but nothing I read or watched could have prepared me for the actual assault of ice cream trucks and their demonic competing music box sirens.

4:04pm: BIBIBOP STOP

SOOOO satisfying like bibimbap but make it a salad.

4:35pm: We’re enjoying all the little pride parades cruising around town and Henry said WOW THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and I thought he meant like OMG THE GAYS but he was talking literally about the VEHICLES in the parade.

Also how perfect is this tree it’s like God drew it in his mind and projected it here.

5:54pm: on the metro back to Maryland. It was a full day of walking and I am ready to not do that anymore and go enjoy a nice iced coffee somewhere and relax, my peepee heads.

Here are some pictures of chooch and me being blinded by the fiery sun in front of the Capitol. Also, we almost got ice cream from one of the pushy ice cream trucks near there but henry only had a $1 cash on him!!!! What a cheapfuck!

6:19pm: Just got back to the car! When we got back to the New Carrollton station, chooch and I noticed a girl who was also on the same metro as us going into DC! I was like “what are the odds?!” And Chooch said, “I dunno like 5 or 10” whatever that means.

Oh and just for the record I wasn’t ready to leave but Henry and Chooch were like “no, it’s time.” I can’t wait until I’m older so I can travel with my friends! Literally the same thing I wrote in every vacation journal growing up!

6:32pm: We’re at our hotel and it’s across from Mary Main cannabis dispensary and Henry said, “in case you Wanna get hiiiiiiigh” and the way he said it made both Chooch and me very uncomfy.

7:02pm: omg Henry thought the AC was broke and went to the front desk so they sent him back with A Guy who was like “you have to turn it on” and chooch and I were holding in our giddy squeals then the front desk called and Chooch picked up AND DIDNT SAY ANYTHING bc he doesn’t know how to use a real phone??!! So he threw the receiver at henry. It was a whole thing.

7:17pm: Henry did NOT go here because he wasn’t good enough.

Anyway, we’re en route to Old Alexandria for ice cream.

8:58pm: so funny story. We did not get ice cream in Virginia because there was nowhere to park in old Alexandria and the other nearby places had massive crowds and I was like, eventually, screaming that I was not waiting in a line of that length for two flavors of custard. So we started to head back in Maryland which had nothing near our hotel and that’s why we ended up in Virginia in the first place, and I found a place on Yelp called Ice Cream Sweet Shoppe which was closing in 30 minutes. We managed to make it there and THE JOKE IS ON ME, U GUYS, because it was a fairly dingy joint in a rundown shopping center in a sketchy area, slinging those ubiquitous Hershey flavors. Don’t get me wrong, Hershey ice cream is legit tasty and the flavor options are staggering, but I could walk down the street from my house and get this same ice cream from our neighborhood ice cream shop, Scoops. When we’re in other cities, we want real local shit, you know??

But the young guy scooping for us was super nice and pleasant so it wasn’t a total bust.

I got Llamalicious and then traded Henry for his Rocky Road because mine was good but just too CLOYING. (Cake batter with ribbons of frosting.) Henry almost didn’t have anything to trade me because he initially LEFT HIS ICE CREAM IN THE SHOP.

What a fucking experience. Now Henry hates Virginia and also this part of Maryland where he keeps missing exits and really no one is to blame for that but him.

[ETA, the next day: so I never officially signed off on this fucking live account because after we got back to the hotel I just snapped, had a psychological meltdown, because the hotel was so awful and loud and the night just totally unraveled and I was like I MIGHT KILL MYSELF not even making light of suicide but being extremely transparent and honest here. Anyway, it was pretty bad there, and overflowed into the morning but now I am better thanks for asking.]

Oh SHOOT are you guys in for a treat (“You’re not,” says Henry). I found Vacations with Erin Vol. 3 in the attic (thankfully before the Man in the Attic came back for seconds, j/k I think one of my dogs chewed on this when I still lived at home) the other day when I was looking for old books to drop off at one of the Little Free Libraries down the street from me and so tonight I flipped open to a random page and started to read aloud to Henry, which is truly his favorite thing ever, listening to me fast-talk through super dramatic episodic capsules of my youth.

I landed on a page from when I was in Cordoba with my aunt Sharon in 1992 and she kept ditching me (I was 12!!!) for other people she liked better in our tour group. OK, here it goes:

***

[Sharon’s] back and she wants me to go on a stupid gay [EDITOR’S NOTE: sorry!! I was 12 and this was the 90s, I don’t use that word in that way anymore!!!!] carriage ride w/ her, Janet, Alisha, & Athena. NOT!! I wanted to go for a walk not a group gathering on a carriage. SHE can go, since she ♥s deciding things for the both of us. Well, I’m sick of her little ideas. She can go mingle by herself w/o me. ALone. She won’t even notice that I’m not there. I’d feel left out like I normally do when we’re w/ THEM. [EDITOR’S NOTE: I vaguely remember Alisha and Athena being in their early 20s and getting ALL OF THE ATTENTION everywhere we went and me, as a spoiled Leo, could not fucking handle the injustice of it all] Sharon would probably treat me like a child like she usually does when THEY’RE around. I wish she’d just leave. Good, there she goes. Everytime we’re gonna go somewhere by ourselves, we usually end ↑ in a group. I absolutely hate that. I wish Pappap & Grandma were here. Then I wouldn’t be so bored. I wish I could call them, but it would cost them too much. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Um, my Pappap was literally a millionaire, lol.] And I don’t wanna complain to them anyways. Hey, she’s back. Oh, she just went to the bathroom. You’d think she’d take the hint since I’m not talking to her. Why doesn’t she LEAVE? I could have stayed home & she wouldn’t have cared. She just uses me as a companion until like, the first day. Cuz then she makes frenz & totally drops me & acts like I’m just a mere child & she’s like my guardian or something [EDITOR’S NOTE: I mean, this was basically the nature of our relationship, so….] A babysitter – that’s it. Oh, now she’s trying to suck ↑.

Ugh. I was laying ↓ & she came over & said, “Are you mad at me? Tell the truth. Do you feel like I’m neglecting you?” She wanted the truth so I said, “Since day one” & she goes, “THEN TO HELL W/ THIS VACATION. I THINK THIS IS THE END OF YOU & I GOING ON VACATIONS TOGETHER.” She has quite a lot of nerve! She’s gone now but before she left she kept trying to suck ↑ by asking me if I wanted a churro. Ha! Yeah rite. Give it ↑. She’s trying to get me even fatter but I don’t know why. Aren’t I fat enuf?

Well, it’s only 10:00 but I might as well go to sleep now – what else is there to do in this dungeon cell?

—THE NEXT DAY—

Today we leave for Madrid. A six hour drive. Let’s see how long I last. Last nite I finally fell asleep after many distractions. First, the TV kept going ↑ in volume, & then Sharon’s makeup bag fell off the bathroom counter & it was SO loud. “Elvira” was on & it brought back memories of how Daddy used to make us watch her Halloween special every year. I don’t know what time Sharon came back. She was probably having so much—-

***

And then it continues on into VACATIONS WITH ERIN: VOL 4, which I do not have access to right now because it’s tucked away in a trunk and it hurts my back to open it so CLIFFHANGER. But yeah, that was a little peek into how fantastic it was to travel with me back then! (Somewhere, Henry is reading this, eyebrows a’quiver, thinking, “BACK THEN??”)

Wow, that was fun. I like transcribing. Maybe I will do this more often and then you guys can feel just as tortured and violated as Henry does when I cry out VACATION JOURNAL STORY TIME! and he gets this really scared rabbit look in his eyes. His favorite part of tonight’s story time was when I got to the part where I found out Janet, a lady on our tour, says the word “decrepit” too and then I interrupted my reading to scream, “I USED TO SAY THAT WORD ALL THE TIME DO YOU KNOW WHY BECAUSE SCOTT D*MBAUGH SAID THAT WORD ONCE IN 7TH GRADE AND I WAS OBSESSED WITH HIM AND SO I STARTED SAYING IT TOO AND IT BECAME MY FAVORITE WORD” and then I went back to the reading the next line which was LITERALLY, “I thought me and Scott were the only ones who knew what that word meant! SIKE!”

LOL I WAS SO OBSESSED WITH HIM (I mean, he was the first person I stalked, so) THAT I EVEN NAME-DROPPED HIM IN MY VACATION JOURNAL WHEN I WAS THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY IN SPAIN. That is true, dedicated obsession. Also, I stuck an asterisk in his last name up there because I wrote about him once on here and one of his CO-WORKERS FOUND IT and told him!? AND THE BLOG POST INCLUDED A FUCKING PICTURE OF AN ASSIGNMENT THAT I KEPT WHEN HE WAS MY SCIENCE PARTNER IN 8TH GRADE BECAUSE I WANTED TO ALWAYS REMEMBER HIS HANDWRITING AND NOW HE KNOWS. That was cool. So cool. Really cool. I’m cool. Totally fucking cool. It’s cool.

Going to google him now TTYL.