I revisit this Hands Like Houses song a lot, but it seems especially relevant lately. If the lyrics resonate with you, then we’re on the same team. <3

Love,

Liberal Whiner

Here is my Obligatory School Picture post! Every year, I’m ever so thankful that he smiled normally and didn’t pull that weirdo chipmunk face he loves so much. 

Fifth grade has been going much better than fourth grade (KNOCK ON WHATEVER WOODEN ANNIVERSARY GIFT I’D HAVE GOTTEN IF HENRY MARRIED ME FIVE YEARS AGO). However, it’s been the year of girls girls girls and I’m like “Can we slow down?” I mean, he doesn’t give a shit about anything other than being a brainiac and watching YouTube videos, but these girls, man! They are relentless. 

 I get Chooch’s Instagram notifications on my phone. I want to say it’s because I’m a watchful mother, but really it’s because he wanted an Instagram account years ago and didn’t have his own phone, so he used mine and we’d just swap back and forth between accounts. 

There’s this one girl who is friends with his buddy Dimajio, and it started with harmless tagging in kumbaya-type memes.  So I started looking through her shit because that’s what I do, creep on the internet, and I saw that she was flat out posting pictures with captions that professed her LOVE for Chooch, etc etc, and was even writing a story about him—nothing gross, but she didn’t know how to spell out cat Penelope’s name so if you’re ever at my house and you hear us call her Pelonpe, now you know why. 

So last night, she tagged him in some dumb meme, and then I noticed that her next picture was of herself and the caption was something like “I’m about to ask out my crush, send advice please.”

So I’m like NO OH GOD NO. She and I already exchanged words several weeks ago because my phone was blowing up while Chooch was at piano; she was sending all these messages about how other girls at her school were telling her that he’s dating THEM and one of them was like “we’re linked up like a chain” and that just sent me over the edge so I was like THIS IS HIS MOM (oh yes I went there) and he’s not dating anyone because he’s TEN, so…

And this girl was all, “if this is really his mom, you’re really pretty” because clearly I make him post pictures of us on Instagram so all his lame friends can see how awesome RILEY’S MOM is. #vanity

So then I was like, “AW OMG HENRY LOOK” and Henry was all “STAY FOCUSED.”

Good advice, Hank. 

So Chooch gets a message request from some sock puppet account that’s supposed to be Dimajio or something, but hello GIRL I see you:

I had to call Chooch over and he was like tell her I like [girl at his school] but I didn’t want to turn this into An Ordeal and then the next thing you know, she’s assaulting Chooch’s actual crush with a sockful of Chuck E Cheese tokens. 

Then a message comes from Girl’s actual account:

I was like, “Chooch get your ass over here and deal with this shit” and he said “Nah, I’m good.”

#%^*+!?!*%#

So then I was like “WELL TELL ME WHAT TO SAY” and Chooch was like TELL HER ALL OF THESE DISPARAGING THINGS and I couldn’t do that!! So I went with my gut and said “I like you as a friend. I don’t want a gf.”

And she was all “I thought you hated me??? You’re always so mean to me when you’re around Dimajio” and I was like, “Chooch! Is this true?!”

“Well, she’s pretty annoying, so…”

Ugh! So then I had to have a refresher course on how he needs to be nice to girls, even the annoying ones, for gods sake. 

I thought it was over, but today when I was at work, she asked him out AGAIN! This time she phrased it differently just in case that made a difference. 

My work friends were ON THE EDGES OF THEIR SEATS as the saga continued. 

So I had to tell her again that I, I mean Chooch, wasn’t interested in her in that way, sorry. I made sure that I didn’t word it in a way that would give her hope and I definitely didn’t use a sad face or anything because Chooch would never try to sugarcoat these things. 

She said she “understands,” and I hope that her understanding doesn’t expire after 24 hours again and that she’s not planning on breaking into our house and boiling Pelonpe. 

Really living it up on my day off. First, some engaging Dr Oz programming about artificial sweetener and now the View?! Life is rich.

See also: Judy’s here.

**********************

Long before I knew I was going to Cleveland last Thursday, I had requested off work for the following Friday because it was Veteran’s Day and Chooch didn’t have school. I figured by doing this, we wouldn’t have to worry about getting Henry’s mom Judy to babysit.

But then we ended up going to Cleveland the night before, so we had to ask Judy to babysit for us anyway. The plan was to take her home once we got back that night, but the show turned out to be a late one and we didn’t get back until after 2:30. And since we’re a one-car fam (how vintage of us), that meant I wouldn’t have a way to take Judy home in the morning.

So basically what I’m trying to say here is that Judy wound up having to babysit Chooch and me on Friday.

And it was brutal.

Penelope shared the same stunned visage all day.

Don’t get me wrong – I really like Henry’s mom a lot! She is really super awesome. But you guys, the daytime TV. Judy and talk shows are like a package deal.

First thing in the morning, Chooch and I went for a walk to CVS because I needed saline solution. I mean, it could have waited, but you know. Chooch treated me with a political rant the whole way there. It really got me fired up. If we had the car, maybe we’d have gone to find a protest. :(

I told Chooch we were going to get ice cream later with Chris and Monica and he cheered so hard it gave me a jolt.

“It’s funny how most of your friends are adults,” I said.

“Yeah,” Chooch replied. “And it’s funny how most of your friends are ghosts.”

I don’t even know what that means?!

Came back home and hung out with Judy. We drank coffee and talked about AMERICA and then she went back to Dr. Oz while I looked at pictures of Balance and Composure on my phone and sent Henry a series of 911 texts.

9:08AM marked my first “When will you be home?” text of the day.

And then 11:33AM, while those loud broads from The View were caterwauling through my living room, it was “Are you almost done?”

I made it through Dr. Oz, but this was just too much.

So I went for my second walk of the day.

PICTURE FROM MY WALK. I was gone for an hour.

Access Hollywood was on when I came back. This was how I learned that Cameron Diaz married Benji Madden last year?! HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?! Oh yeah, because my death row pen pal didn’t renew my Us Weekly subscription, ugh.

1:36pm: “Did you leave yet?”

No response, so I suggested that, “HEY CHOOCH LET’S CLEAN YOUR ROOOOOM!”

We busted our asses, you guys! I even cleaned parts of my room too! I hung up clothes!

To sweeten the pot, I suggested that Chooch pick which record to listen to while cleaning. He chose Panic! at the Disco, and when the record ended, he wanted to listen to it again. I wanted to listen to either Balance & Composure or Phil Collins, so we COMPROMISED and are now listening to the latest Dance Gavin Dance record.

I think this is what you people would call GROWING UP.

It was a UUUUGE moment.

This picture has been in Chooch’s room since 2006 and serves as a beautiful memory of that time Henry gave himself a haircut and I dubbed him Forest.

This corner of his room wasn’t even messy, but he somehow forgot that it existed and became super interested in putting the “butt” in “butterfly” chair and grabbed a book to read.

2:06pm: “Are you done yet?”

Eventually, there was nothing left to clean (LOL there’s always something to clean but Chooch and I have our own version of cleaning in which we stop quarter of the way in), so we went back downstairs just in time for like Dr. Phil or something, why are there so many doctors on daytime TV!?

2:35pm: “Hurry.”

Chooch wanted to go outside, but, out of desperation to keep him there with me, I shouted, “IT’S RAINING!”

So he stuck his head out of the door and said, “It’s not raining, you liar!”

I understood his tone and knew he was just being playful, but Judy flipped her shit and started yelling at him for talking to his mother that way and I was like GET ME OUT OF HERE.

2:49pm: “OMG they’re fighting pleaaaaaaaase HURRY. PLEASE.”

And that little son of a bitch LEFT ME and went outside, while Judy was still bitching about how kids have no respect anymore?!

2:55pm: “She just called Sara Gilbert a ‘he.'”

After Judy quieted down, I was just getting ready to numb my intelligence enough to be able to sit through Dr. Phil because I figured a third neighborhood stroll might come off as RUDE, when Judy realized that today’s program was about kids and heroin, so she said, “Oh, I can’t watch this shit, put on channel 8.”

So I turned the channel and it was STEVE HARVEY. Do you even know who much I can’t fucking stand that guy?!

When Henry came home an hour later, he found me laying on my sort of, partially-made bed, staring at the ceiling and he started laughing, which I didn’t appreciate.

The worst part was that my dumb work friends were telling me all the exciting things I was missing that day, like the toilets flushing with brown water and a Veteran’s Day parade going down the street by our building!! UGH.

Things I learned about Judy that day: She thinks Alicia Keys is so pretty no matter she wears and sometimes she watches the Voice just to see her (“I don’t listen to her music though,” she mumbled under her breath, followed by a “pffft”), she thinks Mariah Carey is a bitch, and she’d like to punch Angelina Jolie in the face. AMEN ON THAT LAST POINT, JUDE.

********

“My mom said you went on ‘a couple of walks’ today,” Henry laughed when he came back from taking Judy home. STFU, Henry.

Chooch had the right idea last night, after a long week of rampant emotions, sinking stomachs, and bruise collecting from all the “pinch me, I’m nightmaring” that we endured. He decided that what better way to unwind than by writing haikus, so he and Chris turned it into some strange therapy game, where they would give each other a topic to haiku about, and then read them out loud for me, Henry, and Monica. It made for some entertaining performance art and definitely offered some levity.

I’m going to share them, in case anyone is looking for something to read that’s not perpetuating a divide within our country. Chris’s will be in bold, Chooch’s will be in italics.

Finishing Harry Potter

I can’t do it now

I don’t have enough time now

Just leave me alone

Safari

Elephants are cool

Hippopotami are mean

Don’t eat me, lion!

Clowns in the Woods

Killer clowns are loose

In the woods, don’t leave the house

Or else you will die.

Ghosts in a Gang

Oooh, I’m a ghost

My posse and I will kill

But we can’t hold guns

Unicorn Chef

He never cuts onions

Or else scientists will freak

and find his secret

Noodles in Heaven

What is that sweet sound?

Angels plucking their gold harps?

Nope. It’s totes noodles.

Noodles in Heaven

God won’t ever cook

Noodles because he is bad

He can’t work a stove.

Baby in a Hammock

Aw, how sweet is that?!

That baby looks comfortable!

Oh no, he* just fell!

*(Ed.Note: props to Chooch for using an actual pronoun to refer to the baby; I always just call them “it”s.)

Stitch Sleeping

This Stitch is so soft

Let’s go to Hawaii please.

Aliens are cool.

Swimming Pool with Marbles

John lost his marbles

When he went to Hawaii

Now my pool is clear.

Creepy Baby Doll

That doll is naked

It’s praising the god of dolls

It will steal your soul.

And then Chooch and Chris were supposed to “huddle” and come up with a title for one that Monica was going to be forced to write, but Monica created a diversion by shaking out a knapsack of kittens in Chooch’s vicinity, creating a clear path to the exit for herself.

I finally finally finally got to see Foxing last night when they opened for Balance & Composure, after a million or so missed opportunities. Obviously I’ll be back to maniacally slam out 12099 words in my typical harried, typo’d fashion (hey I mostly blog from my phone because it’s convenient so cut me some slack) but I wanted to leave this video here because I waited so patiently for them to sing it last night, I knew they would, and when they did I don’t think I breathed one tiny breath through the whole thing. Unrequited love AF. 

How is this band not a household name by now, I’ll never know. 

I AM SO WIRED RIGHT NOW. WORK FRIENDS, BE GLAD I’M OFF TODAY. 

1. Ending sentences with prepositions.
2. Hating the inbred yinzers currently working on the other side of our duplex. They must be mole people because they only come over at night and stomp around like cinder block-footed sumo wrestlers, scream-talking in their degenerate nicotine-throated pittsburghese, and fucking slamming the front door repeatedly. I just now started screaming at them through the wall and henry is all OK OK OK SHHHH because he hates conflict but I HAVE HAD IT BUDDY. AND NOW OH SHERRIE IS ON THE RADIO SO IM RIDING STEVE PERRY’S VOICE TO A HAPPY PLACE SOMEWHERE IN 1984. (side note: the only time I had beef with Gilmore Girls was when they referenced this song and said it was JOURNEY #wrongzo #nope)
3. Planning a small holiday party & searching for awesome punches to serve on the beverage buffet. The plan is to get henry so drunk that he starts telling us SERVICE stories.  In times of crisis, I go into hostess mode. 
4. Obviously still Balance & Composure, and I’m seeing them tonight in Cleveland!!!
5. Investigating realistic ways to make music my career because I think it’s safe to say that this isn’t a phase but legit passion and every minute that doesn’t involve me listening to music, reading about music, talking about music, trying to get you guys to listen to bands I love, and going to all of the shows, a piece of my heart petrifies. I can’t sit in an office for the rest of my life, I just can’t. I feel like a caged animal. :(

Let’s end with a picture of Drew being a dick. 

****

HI ME AGAIN. I just flipped the fuck out because those dbags next door slammed the front door so hard it shook the house so I went off and henry was all PLZ DONT DO THIS and then the DJ on the radio said something about it being November 10 and Henry mumbled “it’s not November 10” and I yelled “YES IT IS YOU KNOW WHY BECAUSE ITS AFTER MIDNIGHT AND DO YOU KNOW WHY WE’RE AWAKE—BC OF THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS NEXT DOOR UGHHH”

And Henry just murmured, “No, that’s why you’re awake. I’m awake because you were screaming.”

It’s me against the world AS USUAL. 

HAY GUYS HAY. Trying to stay upbeat over here so here is a flashback post that has nothing to do with elections or racism or hate or bigotry. Just a good old fashioned Amish shoofly pie tribute post from when Corey and I traipsed around Sugarcreek, OH two years ago, back when 2016 seemed so far away and we had no idea what a shitstorm was on the horizon.

So yeah! Shoofly pie for president.

******

After our life-changing trip to Heini’s Cheese Chalet, Corey and I decided it was time to get a substantial meal that didn’t consist of cheese cubes on toothpicks and (the best) butter (in the world) on Wheat Thins. We opted for Der Dutchman because it boasted Amish Kitchen Cooking, so of course we went and ordered the two most American meals on the menu: a cheeseburger and grilled cheese.

And we forgot to use our dinner rolls the way they were intended: as vehicles for Der Dutchman’s peanut butter spread. Corey wanted to ask our waitress for more rolls so that he could have a do-over, but then he kept chickening out. Also, we had to stand in line just to get inside the restaurant, which normally would be a huge HELL NO for me, but when in Amish Country, I guess. Some hag in front of us kept trying to make conversation because we clearly have such avuncular faces? I’ve always been told that I’m stand-offish, so I guess that doesn’t translate in Ohio.

Before we were seated, there was a brief moment of panic when Corey and I thought that this was a family-style restaurant and that we might have to sit at a table with some horrible family, asking us to pass the biscuits, and I almost fled. When I was a kid, this might have been pre-Corey, our family went to Lancaster, PA, which is essentially the Amish capital of America.  We ate at some restaurant that had an attached petting zoo and we sat a long wooden table with other families and I was crying internally because I didn’t want to eat with people I didn’t know but our dad was like FUCK YES THIS IS REAL COUNTRY-LIVING! He was all about it. But what I remember most about that meal was the shoo-fly pie. Because of that experience, it has always been the first thing my mind goes to when I think of Amish (OK fine, right after I think about them copulating through a hole in a sheet).

This is all to say that I was really looking forward to piggybacking  my grilled cheese with a slice of that sticky molasses Dutch pie.

(Oh dear god, my tongue is having vivid flashbacks of my last shoo-fly pie experience.)

I was really excited about the creamed corn.

Halfway through lunch, I noticed that Bitch-Broad from Heini’s, the one who had the nerve to yell at our beloved Father Cheese, was also dining at Der Dutchman! (That’s her in the green shirt and stupid poufy hair behind Corey.) Corey said she was also at the bakery we stopped at across from Heini’s and that even in there, she was bitching about how she couldn’t believe the price of whatever bakery item she was glaring at. Then we saw her after we left Der Dutchman as she and her horde of less-bitchy broads walked into a chocolate shop. She still looked mad! How are you going to be mad walking into a CHOCOLATE SHOP? Maybe she should have just stayed home and watched her DVR collection of The View.

But as usual, my train of thought is getting derailed once again. She has literally nothing to do with shoo fly pie.

When our waitress asked us if we wanted dessert, Corey and I declined because we hadn’t seen shoo fly pie on the menu and we were obviously saving room for that down the road.

Before we left the Der Dutchman parking lot, Corey decided that we should call our dad and ask him where to get the dessert of Amish gods.

Corey put him on speaker, and it was one of the  most painful laugh-stifling moments of my life, possibly even moreso than the one at Heini’s, because I felt actual kidney pain. Like the angel on my shoulder had hopped off and started punching me in the side for being the type of asshole who laughs at a dad who is genuinely trying to help his kids have the best Amish experience possible.

“Oh, I doubt you’re going to find shoofly pie,” our dad said gravely. “In fact, I had to pre-order one the last time I was there because I knew the bakeries wouldn’t have any otherwise.”

We were suffering at this point from what I can only describe as “The Wet Laughs.” Tears were streaming down our faces and I was even starting to break a sweat from the exertion of laugh-containment.  Corey wheezed, “I can’t!” and flat out hung up on our dad. I can only imagine how ugly I looked in that moment, with my face wet, red and twisted in a mixture of pain and hilarity. I FELT ugly. It was an ugly laugh. Hearing our dad speaking so seriously about shoofly pie was just too much.

Finally, we calmed down enough for Corey to call our dad back, who answered immediately by saying, “The reception is really bad out there, I know.” And then proceeded to sound disappointed when we mentioned that we chose Heini’s over Walnut Creek Cheese, and then asked, “Did you guys go to the hardware store yet?”

That fucking hardware store!

“It’s not like a Home Depot, you know,” he earnestly advised. “It’s TWO FLOORS and it has a lot of things that Erin would like to look at. Like birdhouses.”

BIRDHOUSES?!

We promised that we would stop and check it out after we visited Sugarcreek, but first we had important business to tend to at Swiss Heritage Winery, which was essentially like your Aunt Rhoda’s house, full of sparkly trinkets, Betty Boop memorabilia, and clashing floral patterns, with a small wine bar thrown in almost as an afterthought.

Corey and I each chose 5 wine samples from a cheerful lady in a supposedly traditional Swiss dress and then plucked some complimentary chips and cheese cubes from a platter and took our wine samples over to a tall table where we recalled what we learned from Roberto at Narcisi Winery last year, and proceeded to stick out like sore thumbs. I liked all  the wines just fine, but wasn’t really in the mood to purchase any bottles until I noticed that he cherry cranberry variety was called “Han’s Favorite Wine” and featured a picture of Hans himself, in a Swiss cap and lederhosen. Swiss Heritage, you got yourself a sale.

While Corey and I were paying for our wine, I used it as an opportunity to ask the older women behind the counter if they had the shoofly pie 411.

I’m not even exaggerating when I say that the expression on the one woman’s face actually darkened, like we were suddenly in Hogwart’s and I had audaciously screamed “Voldemort.”

“I wouldn’t even know,” she said curtly. “That’s something you don’t see very often around here anymore.”

“You might want to try Der Dutchman,” the other woman offered, with a slight shrug, but I told them we had just come from there and it was a no-go. (Although we never actually ASKED the waitress. Now I’m kind of glad we hadn’t. We might have been told to get the fuck out.)

“Sorry, I just don’t know,” the first woman said without even a HINT of apology as she handed over our gaudy gift-wrapped wine purchases.

As we shirked out of the door, I could hear the two of them still talking about shoo fly pie, like they had just been reminded of something that they were told to forget.

“I think I might have a recipe for that somewhere….” the nicer of the two was saying as the door closed behind us.

****

“What the fuck, Corey!?” I laughed as we set off for Sugarcreek to finally gawk at the world’s largest cuckoo clock. “Why did t hey act so weird about shoofly pie!?” We spouted off some theories, like maybe there was some feud between the Pennsylvania Dutch Amish community and the Ohio Amish, and the PA peeps won the rights to the pie.

After checking out the clock, we stopped in some novelty shop called Finder’s Keepers, where we quickly learned that a movie was recently filmed there called “Love Finds You In Sugarcreek.” Almost every shop along the main street had signs and DVD displays in  their windows. Even the Gospel Shop! We stopped in the Decanter and Stein “Museum,” which was basically just a small,  musty room full of steins and decanters for sale. I found pretty  much the only one that wasn’t $500 dollars and decided that I needed to buy it because I refused to leave Sugarcreek without a stein. I’m suddenly hot for steins, I don’t know.

The proprietor was a really old man who took his grand old time wrapping my stein in newspaper and taping it with 87 pieces of Scotch tape while I was having a coughing fit. My allergies had been flaring all week and basically as soon as we set foot in that shop, I knew I didn’t have much time. This was he only low point of the day for me, and as sweet as that old man was, I had strong urges to snatch the half-wrapped stein from him and yell, “I’LL JUST DO IT MYSELF THANKS” except that I couldn’t even speak since I was coughing so hard.

Once we stepped out into fresh air, I felt fine, so we went to Esther’s Home Baked Goods which was right next store. The inside of the bakery was very brown and austere. But Esther’s friendliness and bonneted-head compensated for the lack of paper lanterns and pastel palette.

“Oh, I see you looking at my chocolate pie!” she enthused, and I had porn flashbacks. “It’s on sale because I messed it up. It still tastes good, though!”

Way to sell it, Esther!

“You don’t happen to have any shoofly pie?” Corey asked.

“No,” Esther said, seemingly bemused by this question. “But it’s funny you ask, because several people have asked me that lately! Maybe I should try to make it again….” she added, mostly to herself.

I ended up getting some weird date cake thing and Corey got pumpkin ice cream and peanut butter fudge.

“Tell me if the fudge is OK!” she begged Corey. “It just didn’t seem right when I made it.”

This lady and me would make a great business team. Esther and her “Dessert Messes” and me and my “Fake Art.” Our confidence will bowl you over.

My date cake thing was actually pretty good though. Corey said the fudge was way too soft but he liked it.

He left out the “too soft” part when he gave her his review before we left to set off for the infamous “hardware store.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d think we were being sent off for slaughter.

****

I don’t know why I didn’t bother doing this while we were there, but a quick google of “shoofly pie” explains that it really is mostly just a Pennsylvania Dutch thing. No wonder those broads seemed so weird about it.

They clearly hate Pennsylvania.

If there is one takeaway from our day in Ohio Amish Country, it’s that I really need to spend more time with my dad. He has inadvertently given Corey and me a day that we will probably talk about (and laugh about!) for the rest of our lives. And THAT is better than shoofly pie.

****

THIS JUST IN!!!

It was so awesome seeing all of the pictures and check-ins from my friends who voted today. But at the same time, it was driving me nuts because I didn’t vote before work like I wanted to, because Chooch, the future politician, threw a fit because he was going to be at his grandma’s, so he made me promise I’d wait until work so he could go too.

So we all went together when I got home and it was kind of amazing that he was so interested! Plus, he was excited because the ancient poll ladies gave him a Kit Kat.

We capped off our voting sesh with Mexican dinner at Bea Taco Town. #tacotrucksoneverycorner y’all. And Chooch drew this on my phone:

I guess it’s Trump being anti-handicapped and -Mexican, and obviously the wall.

What a fucking nail biter of a night, guys. I probably should have been liveblogging all of Chooch’s election observations, like when he went on a Wallstreet tear and started mocking Pat Toomey and Katie McGinty, but I’m so distracted & dying slowly!

I think I have to go to bed now. I mean, after I take a swig of brandy and then punch myself in the face.

Stay strong, guys. <3

I’m trying to cherish (or whatever, what an old person word) these weekends as much as I can before the dreaded winter is upon us and cabin fever sets in. Sometimes it’s nice to sit around the house doing nothing, but we were barely home at all this weekend and I’m not mad about it at all.

Saturday was spent cruising around in the rental (because Henry WRECKED MY CAR, in case you forgot). It was such a stupidly beautiful day, so we took a drive out to this weird toy store in Butler so that Egghead Chooch could get some puzzles while constantly reminding us that he’s gifted.

OK WE GET IT. I COULD HAVE BEEN GIFTED TOO BUT MY MOM OPTED OUT ON MY BEHALF.

SO WHATEVER CHOOCH.

I think my favorite moment was when we ordered a bunch of shit at Sheetz and then left Henry in there to wait for it all. Chooch and I have really got a great system worked out.

At one point, “Tiny Raindrop” by Balance & Composure came on (um, probably not randomly) and I blurted out, “I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH I WISH I COULD WEAR IT!” Which was met with the king of all sneers from Henry.

Being in such a rural area, we saw our share of Trump signs, that’s for sure. Chooch was getting increasingly agitated by this and now I’m wondering if he has a political career in his future. I have never seen a kid with his finger pressed so firmly on America’s pulse!

When we came home later that evening, he was stoked to see that he got mail. #HesWithHer

And I capped off Saturday night by trying to drink beer while watching the Penguins obliterate the Sharks. WHAT A NIGHT.

Sunday was great too! I mean, I wore my CRJ Emotion tour shirt so obviously the day had no chance at sucking. Plus, I’ve been super emo lately (more in a lovesick teen way than a dark, suicidal fog of despair way, for once—this is what happens when I fall in love with a band). Henry has had his hands full.

We dropped Chooch off at piano and went to the Allegheny Cemetery for a stroll. Henry was fixated on how overpopulated the place is with geese (there really was an obscene amount honking about, even more than I’ve ever seen there, should we be concerned) and he started talking about how “they” should feed the geese to the homeless people and I was like “HELLO REMEMBER WHO YOUR AUDIENCE IS, ASSHOLE, THE GIRL WHO WON’T EVEN KILL A FUCKING STINK BUG, THANKS.” God, Henry can be so callous sometimes!

But then we talked a lot about something I’ve wanted to do with my life for at least the last 15 years, and Henry was all, “If that’s what you want to do, then let’s do that’ and it was one of those moments where I took a step back and really looked at him and felt so HASHTAGBLESSED to have found someone who lets me be me and even kind of supports my insanity from time to time. Sometimes I get too farsighted and forget to focus in on the good shit that’s right in front of my ugly face.

Of course, this beautiful Hallmark moment was set aflame when I asked him what kinds of girls he likes and he quickly mumbled, “Obviously annoying ones.”

Oh bae.

Picked up Chooch and went to visit our friend Patty who is currently battling cancer. She’s in a nursing home, getting some good physical therapy and kicking all the old people’s asses at Bingo!  We hung out in her room for about an hour and a half and it was so good to see her face!

Chooch perused the activity calendar and I think I might have to drop him off for a few upcoming events.  Patty dared him to start walking into random rooms and calling people Grandma and I was like, “Go ahead, but then you can stay here with your new grandmas.”

Henry had the afternoon to ourselves while Chooch was at a birthday party, so went shopping and to King’s (all the hot dates happen at King’s). Henry was so mad because the whole place was empty and the waitress told us to sit anywhere, so of course I picked the one booth that would put Henry in direct contact with the sun.

GOD, LEARN TO DRAW THE BLINDS THEN, MOTHERFUCKER.

It never ceases to amaze me that Henry and I are still together. On paper, we just DON’T WORK. But we have managed to avoid the dreaded “Dinner in Silence” that I see happening around me all the time when we’re out. Good job, Henry! Way to not bore me!

Finished the weekend by forcing Chooch to write on my blog, and then watching The Walking Dead. OH AND HENRY SAID WE CAN GO SEE BALANCE AND COMPOSURE.

All of these nice weekend things made Monday hurt so much more, ugh.

Castle Blood

So Castle Blood had a different theme this year, it was called The Witching Hour. There were two witches who were sisters in this town and they knew a lot about the environment and the villagers didn’t like that so they either banished them from the town or burned them I don’t remember. They weren’t witches then but now they are sooo… They needed us to find them a cat, a vat, and a hat. So ya.

The first funny part was when Shard (castle blood guy who’s mean to me every year.) kept telling me to go to the back of the group (oh yeah and Blake and Haley were there) also Shard kept making fun of Blake because he was being dumb. Then the next cool/funny part was in the funeral room because there are always puzzles in it and this time it was a tower puzzle and Blake, Haley, and I did it. There were holes at the bottom of it and sticks at the top of it so we had to figure out which piece goes on which. It was made to hold in the soul of the dead person.

Then there was an outside part where there was a guy locked up in a chair and he was asking for my cat eye (that I got a little bit ago) and although this wasn’t important I just wanted to prevent this from being super short. So then basically those were all of the important parts and yeah we got our fangs here da picture!

So on a scale of 1 to 10 I rate it 9 because there should be more things you need to get and more puzzles.

Sewickely Haunted Church

So right when we get there, there is the Psycho soundtrack blasting from a speaker. Then we went in and I bought a candy bar. With the wrapper me and mommy played hockey and she kept flicking it towards the screen that was playing a movie. Then when we finally got to go in the small tent that was there was a girl clown who was over enthusiastic because she was screaming and kept saying to me “Do you see that?!?!?!?!?!?!” There was this part where there were little girls screaming at the top of their lungs so I just ran out of there as fast as I could. There was also this part where a gorilla blowup thing hooked to the ceiling came sliding across the ceiling right at mommy’s face.

So I rate this one from 1 to 10 an 8 because it was really short.

I can’t remember the exact moment that Chooch’s costume lightbulb went on above his brainy head, but it was definitely fairly soon after Halloween 2015. He was going through a Smashing Pumpkins phase, and casually decided that he was going to be a bullet with butterfly wings for Halloween.

At first, I laughed really hard and gave it my Great Costume stamp of approval. Also, what a novel concept – knowing what he was going to be with ample time to construct the costume. Had this ever happened before?!

NO.

But then reality set in and I remembered that perhaps not many people would understand it, you know, since it’s not 1995/1996. So Henry and I tried to subtly change his mind, and really—how shitty of us. I’m glad that Chooch was committed to his idea and didn’t let us sway him.

Flash forward 8 months. It’s a week before Halloween and Henry still hasn’t started working on the bullet. I kept saying things like, “This isn’t going to be finished in time, is it?” to which his response was supposed to be, “OF COURSE IT WILL BE, ERIN!” and not, “I don’t know. Maybe not.”

Spoiler alert: Henry worked a miracle and got it done! At the last minute though, he scrapped the paper mache bullet tip he made because it looked too dildo-esque, and instead opted for a large balloon (the punching kind) which he spray-painted silver. It looked much better!

We waited until the day before to get the wings. We try to be as DIY as possible when it comes to costumes, but I was willing to splurge on the wings because I just wanted this to be done. So we went to Party City after Chooch’s piano lesson on Sunday.

SIDE STORY, unrelated to Halloween:

For as long as I can remember, I do this thing where I walk into a store or restaurant ahead of Henry and pull the door shut on him. It’s like my thing, and it pisses him off so much.

And our visit to Party City was no different. I walked in ahead of him and, without so much as a glance behind my shoulder, I shoved the door shut behind me. I mean full-force, as aggressively as possible, I gave that fucking door a Hulk slam.

I heard Henry say, “Erin!” but it sounded further away than it should have. So I slowly turned around and realized that there was a small woman behind me, looking totally stunned from having a GLASS DOOR SLAMMED SHUT ON HER. Fucking Henry had let her go ahead of him and then stood back to see how it would play out, what a motherfucker!

So then I was put in this terrible social situation where I had to profusely apologize to a stranger while trying to explain to her why that happened, how it’s just what I do, until I heard the words I was saying and realized I was making it so much worse.

SO MUCH WORSE.

Oh, Henry loved every moment of it.

I mean, it was bound to happen eventually.

Anyway, Chooch got his wings but not the pair I wanted him to get but whatever, DON’T LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

****

This year was Chooch’s last Halloween parade at school. I was kind of sad about it, but it isn’t how it was when I was a kid. The classroom parties aren’t shit because there are so many restrictions, and so many costumes are against school policy. So basically the parents gather around outside the school just to watch a 15 minute parade, where only some of the students are in costume because HALLOWEEN IS DYING, ISN’T IT?? Oh I just can’t stand it.

But, speaking of school policy, Chooch could 100% not dress up as a bullet at school. I mean, I didn’t need the rules and regulations paper that was sent home last week to remind me of that. So in my effort to find him an alternative costume that still involved his wings (they were $20 and I intended on getting as much use out of them as possible!), I found this lame social butterfly get-up, which I’m sure has been done to death at hipster Halloween parties, but it was a hit with the elementary set.

So easy! And I can say that because I threw a huge temper tantrum Sunday night and went to bed at 8:30 on purpose so that Henry had to print all of the social media icons out, LOL I win.

Chooch loved it! Especially when he got to rip the musically icon off his shirt afterward and give it to his crush. Ugh.

Meanwhile, this just served as yet another reminder that I will never fit in with other parents. 

Oh! AND I GOT TO SEE HOT GYM TEACHER. Totally worth rubbing elbows with basic moms. 

****

Later that evening, Henry came home from work and finally finished the damn bullet costume. I’m not exaggerating – it was 5 minutes to trick or treat o’clock and Henry was hot gluing one last thing to it.  Fucking amazing. 

Originally, Chooch and Dimajio were going to go together but then Dimajio had to go over his cousin’s or something, I don’t know. I don’t keep track of kids. It was just as well, because Henry and I had to tag along with Chooch anyway because he can never Chooch a costume that doesn’t require handlers. We had to tie his shoes, make sure he didn’t fall down steps, get candy for him if it was in a bowl on the ground which required him to bend, fluff his wings, make sure he didn’t bust the balloon-top of the bullet….

It’s a tiring, thankless job. 

It always puts us in the SMALL TALK crosshairs with other adults! That’s my least favorite part!

After a quick photo with the neighbor kid, we tentatively made our way down the street. I kept hissing things like, “This was a terrible idea” and “We should just go back to the house and he can wear the pig mask instead, we’ll think of something.” I was just so worried that he would get made fun of or just be completely disappointed that no one understood his costume. 

But Henry assured me it would be fine and to stop whining before I gave Chooch a complex.

And it was fine! Papa H Knows Best, everyone! He didn’t get made fun of at all, and there were actually A LOT of adults who were like, “OH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.” 

It helped that he was also wearing a Smashing Pumpkins shirt and was carrying a portable speaker that was playing the song on a loop. 

Even one of my mom nemeses started cracking up and said, “I get it. I love it.”

So he was pretty damn proud of himself. 

One guy was like, “Let me guess….Iron Butterfly?” 

“Close! It’s a music reference but you got the wrong band,” Henry laughed. 

This was actually a fun game! We were like a traveling quiz show. 

“He’s a bullet….but I don’t know what the wings are for!” one old lady grunted to another old lady after Chooch left their porch, and I just started cracking up. 

People were actually excited for him to finally get to their house so they could try to guess what he was supposed to be! “These are the best kinds of costumes,” one lady said in between sips of beer. “We want to have to figure it out!”

At one house, I told the people that we had tried to talk him out of this costume idea but he was insistent. 

“Well, good for you!” the one mom said to Chooch. And she’s right—good for him! I never would have had the confidence to pull something like that off when I was his age, no matter how badly I wanted it. Chooch is my fucking role model. 

He got a few people who said “this is the best costume I’ve seen tonight” and one guy gave him a knowing nod and declared Chooch the winner of Halloween. 

I’m pretty proud of him for coming up with this and sticking with it. Even though we had to constantly adjust his wings and do damage control. Perhaps Henry could have SPENT MORE TIME working on the LOGISTICS of the damn bullet. 

A photo of Henry making sure Chooch doesn’t perish inside his bullet. 

 https://instagram.com/p/BMPi3szgHMt/

But….next year, I’m handing him scissors and a sheet and telling him to go to fucking town.

************

We walked down the street to Eat n Park afterward for dinner*. “I Missed Again” by Phil Collins was playing, so of course I had to loudly announce this, as is my forever-custom when I walk into an establishment that’s full of the sweet note-blossoms that churns forth from Sir Collins candied-throat.

“Oooh! I should go as a Phil Collins song next year! ‘In the Air Tonight’ maybe?!” Chooch shouted excitedly, to which Henry and I were like:

*(And yes, I pulled the door shut on Henry when we walked in. “You’ll never learn your lesson,” he sighed.)

I’ve been fangirling over Baseball Card Vandals consistently for the last two years. I’m always dropping hints to Henry, giving him easy opportunities to be a good boyfran by buying me my very own BCV original. Sure I could buy one for myself, but I LIKE TO PLAY GAMES OK. 

Anyway, I sent Henry a screenshot of a Phil Collins BCV, added a bunch of prayer hand emojis, etc etc. but his response was a screenshot from their website that said “sold out.” SO SAD. I was just starting to bang out my FUCK YOU HENRY text missle when he followed up with another text — HIS BCV RECEIPT. 

WOO! 

I know, it seems so fucking stupid but Baseball Card Vandals brings me so much joy with their irreverent humor and middle school-level dick jokes and now I have my very own!

Thanks, Henry! (I still want to go to Cleveland next week to see Balance & Composure though. The purchase of this card did not get you out of that.)

Anyway, this post was brought to you by the legendary Face Value album,  a Halloween candy sugar high, and a general malaise for blogging. 

I listened to this song yesterday ALL DAY LONG ON REPEAT. Synth pop/darkwave/coldwave is the music that resonates the most with me, contrary to popular belief. (I love my posthardcore and emo but this is the shit that really cuts me to the core.)

The Black Queen sounds so much like it should have been on the label A Different Drum back in the late 90s, when in actuality the debut album just came out in the beginning of 2016—it’s the side project of Greg Puciato (Dillinger Escape Plan) and Joshua Austus (Telefon Tel Aviv, ex-NIN & Puscifer) and it absolutely reeks of rotted, decomposing beauty. 

Anyway. This song in particular makes me think it’s 1999 and I just moved into my house and have tons of candles around me as I lay on the cold hardwood floor, drinking cheap Manischevitz and crying.  BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I DID BACK THEN. 

AND THAT’S WHAT I DO NOW TOO. 

Except that now I have way less room on account of acquiring furniture and psycho cats who will likely start a fire if I lay out candles on ground-level and a dumb Henry  who will yell at me to grow up and get up off the floor. 

So this one was strange… We thought “Oh… This will be just some ordinary haunted house like every other one.” But this one differed from the rest, you ready? Okay I don’t care if you’re not ready or not. Okay so you are ready? Good! Well we had to wait IN LIKE 5 DIFFERENT LINES. But guess what it wasn’t really worth it (it kind of was) because it was super short but it was also really cool. So if i hadn’t mentioned we went with Haley and Blake. Fun Fact: Haley scared of clowns. Okay so the lines were the worst but when we finally got in to the freaking haunted house there was these guy who is very creepy because he is very happy. So apparently he was supposed to be a teacher and he was telling us about what is happening so the first part we entered was a classroom of course and there was a lady who was creaming and saying “Who took my chalk?” and “Did you take my chalk?” Then when we confessed and all said “No.” and then left, some “Student” screamed at the top of her lungs and I passed out. (lie)

Then there was a clown room and Haley told me not to do anything like say she’s afraid of clowns. And  I said I wasn’t, and I didn’t. Then there was a gorilla that scared us and Haley said “AHHHH Harambe!” (Pronounced – Hair- Om- Bay) Hint: She said it wrong. And I mocked her. So those were all of the Important parts of Crawford Haunted School!

Comment “Vote L34RN” in the comments if you liked this one!

Shadows Haunted Trail:

So there were no pictures for this one so just IMAGINE! So daddy was too scared to come with us so it was just me and mommy going. We didn’t wait long we went in basically right away because there was no line. So there was like an empty spot for like a 1/4 of a mile, so the first one was some like graveyard thingy and the scare people were like really young, like 20 something, and they were nice they said “Boo, So was there a long line? No well it’s not a very crowded day. Oh, Close the door please. Thanks!” so then there was this empty space yet again. The next part was creepy there was “one” girl” in the middle of strobe lights so she disappeared every second, then in the darkness of the strobe appeared another girl from behind her and they said “Chase me!” so we did and they jump-scared us (mommy keeps saying I had a crush on them, I DIDN’T) they were like 12 or 13 I think, maybe 15. Then we caught up to them and they were standing around a fire and then we tried to leave but they blocked us and said “Where are you going?” and i tried to run and they screamed at the top of their lungs.

The next part made mommy scream so loud that it scared the guy who scared us. He said “You made my heart race, you scared me!”  The next part was some Jason part and when we got we ran because we thought Jason was going to scare us but no. No Jason to be found. Then there was this guy who followed us and said “I don’t leave food behind, kinda like how you wouldn’t leave Chicken McNuggets behind at McDonalds. Then he said I don’t eat children I eat about 22-ish people like you. And he looked at Mommy. She said “Awwww thank you! I’m actually 37.” and he said “I try to be as politically correct as possible.

So that was the Shadows Haunted Trail.

Comment “Vote W00D5” if you liked this one!

As Henry is over here in fullblown He’s Crafty mode, preparing for this year’s Halloween disaster, and I’m SICK thanks to my dumb kid, I figured I would post a Halloween costume retrospective because isn’t that what the true, professional bloggers do? Recycle content?

2006: Ice Cream Cone. God, those were the days. (Here’s a reprisal of that costume. At least I got my money’s worth.)

2007: Hobo? I guess this was a hobo. This costume cost nothing except for the black makeup stick we bought at the Halloween store.

2008: Frankenstein. Why am I having a hard time remembering this costume? (I do remember that the makeup job sucks because I was still at work when trick-or-treating was starting so dum-dum Henry had to apply it. Good job, Henry.)

2009: Jason Voorhees. He was OBSESSED with Jason when he was 4.

This was also back in the days when I knew how to use my camera even less than I do now, if you can imagine.

2010: Psycho Clown!  This was another one that cost nothing because I already had that shit on hand from a photo shoot I made Christina do.

2011: Zombie Justin Bieber. This one kind of flopped, as evidenced by the ZERO people who could tell what he was supposed to be, haha.

Also that year, we went to a Halloween party so Chooch and I dressed up in our PJs and went as a Zombie Sleepover.

And he was a Zombie Dweeb at the Zombie Carnival at Monroeville Mall.

2012: Daryl from the Walking Dead. If you ever need to dress up as someone that no one will ever guess, come to me for ideas. I’m apparently chockful of ’em. (Seriously, that year’s Halloween really stressed me the fuck out.) You know what was awesome? Daryl became a wildly popular costume the next year, and Spirit Halloween was just LOADED with zombie ear necklaces, crossbows, and Daryl vests. Ugh to the infinite power.

2013: Post-Apocalyptic Claw Machine

Honestly, this one almost caused Henry and me to get fake-divorced from our LOLmarriage.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

2014: Kevin Bacon

This was my favorite because it was soooooo easy. None of the kids understood it but it was a big hit with the adults!

2015: Death By Stereo!

I don’t give a shit how few people got this costume, I was so proud of him for coming up with this idea on his own because The Lost Boys is the best.

It has yet to be determined if 2016 will be a win or a fail.

I’ll leave you with a photo of him looking evil on just a regular day. Have a good weekend, boyyyy!