In “Next Door” news, there are legit contractors over there now, doing all the things Boots was supposed to be doing. They’re redoing the entire back of the house, which means we’re getting a new back porch!

I BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW WE HAD A BACK PORCH. 

That’s because we’ve been unable to use it for like, 10 years. 

Anytime there are people in the vicinity wearing toolbelts, Henry gets real chummy with them. I guess it’s the fake fixer-upper in him. The contractors know Boots because he used to work for their company, so they sarcastically asked Henry how it was to live next to him. Everyone knows he’s a piece of shit. 

Anyway, I was at work when Henry started texting me pictures of the work they’re doing and then apparently he got to go INSIDE BOOTS’ HOUSE. 

“Oh it’s fucked over there,” he said. “They have to basically gut that whole side of the house.” Henry said there are huge holes in the walls, even!

I told Glenn and Amber about that today and Glenn said, “No wonder you could hear everything going on there, they were probably shouting into the holes.”

OH WE CAN LAUGH ABOUT IT NOW. 

When I came home yesterday, there was a pickup truck in our yard full of Boots’ stuff. I didn’t even care that this crap-wagon was in my front yard because it’s just a sweet reminder that Boots ain’t coming back y’all. Girl bye. 

***

Chooch and I were just spending some quality time together, working out with the KpopX broads. It was during the Twice “Ooh Ahh” routine that Chooch said, “What do you think Boots is doing in jail right now? Crying? Planning an escape?” And then he started imitating him talking to a prison guard the same way he talked to Phyllis. 

And that was all it took to make me start to pee my pants and then Chooch hit himself accidentally during “Bang Bang Bang” and I was done after that. TOO MUCH GIDDY. I’m worthless for the rest of the night. 

It’s been nearly two weeks of pure neighborless bliss over here on Pioneer. I kept putting this blog post on the back burner though because I was so afraid that I was going to jinx the situation, but it’s really looking like Boots will not ever be coming back here so…story time!

I wasn’t here when it happened, but allegedly on the morning of February 13th, some kid ran over to Hot Naybor Chris’s neighbor and said that he had been robbed and asked if he saw a man with the description of Boots.

This is where details get hazy because that neighbor told Hot Naybor Chris who told Henry who told me. Major telephone game in action, and then you have to factor in Henry’s abysmal story-telling skills.

The next thing HNC’s neighbor knew, cops from three different areas had rolled up with a police dog and started searching around our block of houses. Then they came back with the landlord who let them into Boots’ house, and they questioned the random man who was living there with Boots. I guess that dude wasn’t involved in anything because they let him go back in the house.

(He’s the guy that Boots was fighting with the weekend before this happened, and that guy was heated because Boots had apparently stolen three packs of cigarettes from his room.)

Then the police left and found Boots somewhere down the street and ARRESTED HIS GUMBY ASS.

Man, I thought for sure it was going to be for drugs, but it turns out he robbed and assaulted some old man, which appears to be unrelated to the young guy who was questioning HNC’s neighbor so what was that all about?! (I don’t know HNC’s neighbor’s name, but we call him Brookline Shawn because he’s always in the driveway working on his car and he reminds us of Wendy’s husband Shawn. #coolstory)

SEE? I wish I had been here. I hate that I got the FOURTH-HAND account of that day’s sordid events.

I was really worried that Boots was going to get out of jail and come right back, but our landlord was like, “Nope, I’m posting a notice of abandonment on his door” so this is basically the perfect out for our landlord to be able to evict that sleazy-ass motherfucker with ease.

Peace out, Boots. 

And true to his word, the notice was posted!

Guys, that Cap’n Crunch box has been taped up over a broken window for two months. SO CLASSY. I can’t tell you how many times I’d be walking down the sidewalk and catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye and think someone was watching me.

Chooch was standing on Boots’ porch and reading the sign the other day, when the guy who lives in the house next to ours came out and said, “Your friend’s gone, huh?” and Chooch was like, “Stop talking to me, stranger” but the guy went on to say, “He was a loud one, wasn’t he? Sorry you had to deal with that.” I would like to point out that HE LIVES IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT HOUSE and could hear how loud that derelict was.

Boots’ real name was written on the sign, so Henry diligently looked him up and that dumb motherfucker has quite the rap sheet. It seems his life took a turn in 1987 and he continued to make poor choice after poor choice. We learned that he was already on probation when this happened (which makes sense because there was one normal-looking guy who would visit sometimes and Henry joked that it was probably his parole officer. So, it was probably his parole officer).

“Oh, he’s not going anywhere,” Henry laughed, when I said that I was afraid he was still going to come back. For the next day or two, some weird people were over there slithering in and out of the house like cockroaches, probably getting their weird shit out of the house. But ever since the notice was posted, no one has been back.

Except for the actual contractors who have been over there doing the work that Boots was supposed to be doing, and probably fixing the additional damage Boots did in the short time he inhabited that side of the house.

It’s nice to know that we were living next to an aggravated assaulter, robber, and fucking drug addict. What a piece of shit. GOODBYE FOREVER. 

(Although, sometimes when it’s too quiet in our house, I swear I can hear him over there WOOing and yelling to himself, like phantom pains IN MY HEAD.)

Well, I’m still sick. Probably a normal person would be like, ‘OH, THIS LIL’ COLD?’ in a dismissive Blanche Devereaux tone, but I don’t get sick very often so when I do, EVERYONE KNOWS IT. I actually get “sort of sick” a lot, where I feel like I’m ABOUT to get sick, like I’m the precipice of good health, about to take the plunge into Germ River, so then I start complaining about OMG MY GLANDS or MY THROAT FEELS STRANGE and then nothing comes of it. My immune system is wack.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I have no energy so here are some pictures from when we went Chong’s for a late lunch on Saturday, and it was beautiful.

We drove an hour to get here and it was worth it. We didn’t even fight!

Chooch is the pickiest eater, and now that he’s a vegetarian he’s even worse. What will he do if we go to Korea?! (Change that “if” to a “when” btw.) However, we got him to eat some kimbap (he doesn’t like the pickled radish but at least he’s down with seaweed) and guksu. Then I spent 10 seconds trying to teach him how to use chopsticks before my frustration got the best of me. I’m not a teacher! I don’t even know how I learned. I taught myself in elementary school and  then made my mom buy me purple chopsticks from Pier 1.

Ugh I wish I still had those.

He said he enjoyed his guksu though, and of course he inhaled the melon popsicle that the sweet lady-owner gave us on the house. The other thing Chooch enjoyed was the bell on our table to get the waiter’s attention. We took that away from him real quick-like, after he rang it and then Henry had to add some off-the-cuff bindaeduk to our order when the waiter diligently responded to Chooch’s summoning.

My favorite part though was that over in Savannah, my k-Kraze inspired Octavia to also go out for Korean food! She asked me for some suggestions and I was like, “Get whatever you want to eat, but you have to listen to BIGBANG on the way home” AND SHE DID. She said “Bang Bang Bang” is her favorite and I don’t blame her for choosing that one because it’s the motherfucking jam.

And then Chooch let me take some pictures of him, and then we had ice cream for dinner. It was pretty much a perfectly well-rounded Saturday in February.

AND NOW I’M SICK.

I took a day off work because I have some kind of cold/allergy thing happening (I can never tell the difference) and was so miserable yesterday that Dr. Amber was like OMG STAY HOME TOMORROW. So I did and I’m still sick but also BORED. I absolutely do not know how to rest. I did go back to sleep for an hour after sending Chooch off to school, so there’s that. Progress?

So far today, I have: 

• washed three dishes, 
• eaten a bowl of cereal because I can’t prepare Korean breakfasts for myself, 
• watched some BTS videos, 
• called Henry to whine, 
• texted Lisa to whine (she’s going to call me later so I can whine out loud), 
• watched a compilation video of BIGBANG eating, 
• watched a compilation video of G-Dragon laughing, 
• played with a packing peanut with Drew, 
• groaned a lot, cried to some Balance & Composure which strangely is what I was doing a year ago today according to TimeHop. 

It’s not even 11:00am yet!!!

What do you guys do when you’re sick?? Henry goes straight upstairs and sleeps for like 6 days. I can’t do that. I’m just sitting here on the couch, fully dressed, wanting something to do but every time I stand up, I get* dizzy and have to sit back down. 

*(autocorrect tried to change “get” to “GD” because I text Henry about G-Dragon so much lol.)

I should probably take some type of medicine at some point. Yesterday, I went upstairs at work to the first aid cabinet thing for generic cold medicine and got one of them stuck in my throat, which was the highlight of Glenn’s work day. Then Wendy walked by and was all, “Aw, because Henry’s not here to crush them up for you?” UGH WENDY. 

Then I stupidly said something about never knowing which kind of pill I need and Glenn was all, “they don’t make pills for what you have.” Walked right into that web. 

Maybe I’ll make this is a liveblog so check back I guess. I hate today. FUCK YOU IMMUNE SYSTEM. 

Now it’s 11:30 and I have:

• Talked to Lisa on the phone,
• Played referee to a cat melee,
• Cleaned up dirt from a succulent pot that drew knocked off the windowsill
• Checked for a fever but I can’t tell because I used the back of my hand and not a thermometer

I want to watch an episode of Boys Over Flowers but Henry will cry if I watch it without him. He won’t watch Walking Dead anymore (he lost interest but it’s probably just too confusing for him) so he laid in bed while Chooch and I watched it Sunday night, then he came back down when it was over and casually mumbled, “Uh, let’s watch Boys Over Flowers.” He’s Team Jun Pyo. 

Every time I try to sit up, I fall back down. I want to go outside :(

Now it’s 1:22pm. I have done nothing but watch vlogs about Korea and whimper. THEN THE LIGHTBULB BURNT OUT IN THE LAMP IN THE LIVING ROOM AND I DONT KNOW WHERE HENRY KEEPS THE LIGHTBULBS. So I cried. 

I CRIED BECAUSE I CANT DO ANYTHING CAN I?!

2:09pm catch-up:

• Tried to reheat the leftover ramyun henry made for dinner last night but it needed more ramyun in it so I was like paralyzed in front of the stove trying to cook ramyun and then when it was time to fry the egg, FORGET IT. what a disaster. I am truly sorry that I did that to you, Egg. 
• Mistakenly told Henry that I thought I ruined his pan in my egg frying odyssey and he was like MY NEW KOREAN PAN? STAY AWAY FROM MY NEW PAN! OMG I HAVE TO GO, IM MAD. He probably went to blow off some steam by smashing his other foot with the pallet jack. Boyfriend suffers many injuries at the hand of the pallet jack.
• My right eye is not as swollen as it was when I woke up this morning so I look less like Sloth from Goonies but still not Ready For The Public. 
• So tired of this couch. 
• My right contact had the shape of a coffee filter but I still put it in my eye. But when I inevitably start complaining about going blind like I do bi-monthly, just please conveniently forget this. 
• I think my muscles are atrophying. 

All I want for dinner is a sun-hahahahaha-daeeeeeeee. A grasshopper one! 

2:28 update:

• I’m not saying I’m magic but I was listening to Balance & Composure today and crying, as you do when you listen to sad boy music, and then they just announced their spring tour which is coming to Pgh! I’m so excited. Hardly any shows have been coming through here lately that I have been stoked for, which is actually good because I’m trying to save money, but still. I want something to get me stoked! And it’s not like I’ll be seeing BIGBANG anytime soon. (OR EVER.)
• Guess where I am??!! Still on the couch, half-laying down.  
• Chooch should be coming home from school soon so I’ll have companionship. UNLESS HE DITCHES ME FOR HIS FRIENDS. 

4:07pm updates:

• Chooch never even came home because he went to that godforsaken gaming place with his friend and Henry still isn’t home and I finally moved off the couch and couldn’t stand up straight for almost an entire minute!!!
• Texted with Chris about Enrique & Julio Iglesias and then we changed Henry’s name to Henrique.
• Now I’m watching the video for Miguel’s “All I Want Is You” and having FEELINGS. In 2013, I had a mix CD (seriously a mix CD) that had the entire Downtown Battle Mountain 2 on it and this song, and it spun on repeat in my bedroom for a good five months. No joke – you can ask henry. He wanted to defenestrate himself by week three. 
• Honestly how do you people “rest.” I ALMOST fell asleep once today but then I got bored. 
• Every time I move, my face leaks. 
• Both of the cats dipped out on me a few hours ago so I have been ALL ALONE. 
• I tried to clean my room but then I started wheezing so back to the couch for me. :(:(:(:(

Also I watched this video like 88 times because of that 5 second acapello “If You” at the end OH MY HEART. 

HENRIQUE IS HOME AND HE BROUGHT ME A GRASSHOPPER SUNDAE! I can’t taste it though :(

5:27pm updates:

• Henry left me again to go pick up Chooch from the gaming place and there is some guy in my driveway talking. In a heart-stopping moment, I thought Boots was back so I legit rolled my ass off the couch and peered out the window but it was just some guy and a dog talking to Hot Naybor Chris. 
• Henry just came home and I made him hug me twice BECAUSE IM SO SAD SICK & LONELY. 
• I feel worse now. Like a swarm of hornets is nesting inside my forehead. 
• HENRY IS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO I LIKE TO HUG. He’s not honored by this though. 

7:35pm update:

Everything in my sinuses is solidifying and now I feel like I was hit in the face with Henry’s new Korean pan that I did not ruin in my egg-frying odyssey. 

What I’ve done since my last check-in:

• Watched a bunch of live BIGBANG videos
• Watched some eatyourkimchi vlogs with Henry. 
• Stole a piece of Henry’s pizza and bit into it even though he told me it was hot and now I have a burnt mouth in addition to splitting sinuses. 
• Got henry to discuss Kpop. He likes BIGBANG but his review of the other boy idol groups is: “they just like, dance in a V, right?” And then he shrugged because dancing in a v doesn’t impress Henrique the Kpop Judge. 

I think we are going to watch Boys Over Flowers now after Henry crushes up some medicine for me. LOL just kidding. 

He’ll roll it up in a piece of cheese. 

(He just said, “You didn’t take any of this today?!” And I was like “No. I didn’t know what to do” and now he’s acting all disappointed in my lack of independence like this is some new discovery.)

Another post full of bulleted nonsense. Such a blogger. Imagine if I had actually finished college and got that English writing degree.  (I just imagined it and I’m greeting people at Walmart.)

• For a brief window last weekend, Henry had taken over the TV and put on English programming, which was mildly annoying, but at least it was some Gordon Ramsay thing on YouTube and not American bullshit. When Gordon said “rack of lamb” and I was shocked because I was fully expecting him to say “rackalacka,” I knew it was time to get some rest in a dark room somewhere underground, probably for the rest of winter, next to a bear.
• We got some snow two weeks ago, when Boots was still our neighbor, and Henry texted me at work to tell me that he was shoveling his sidewalk with a drywall knife. I turned around to immediately inform Glenn of this update, because my co-workers are invested in this drama. Then after a brief pause, I said, “I don’t even know what that is.” A minute later, I received an email from Glenn with a picture of a drywall knife. “Oh. Yeah, if I had been home, I would have just thought he was using a sharp dustpan.” THE IRONY IS THAT MY PAPPAP OWNED A DRYWALL COMPANY, LOL. I clearly only paid attention to the shiny things that drywall company afforded me to have.
• Speaking of! There was a discussion about cough drops one day at work, and Nate and I agreed that Ricola are superior, the actually Bae of Cough Suppressants. “I got to blow into one of those ricola horns in Switzerland,” I not-so-humblebragged. Glenn needed more information, so I explained that we were at a dinner show for my 10th birthday, and the performers were letting people on stage to blow into those horns they play in the Ricola commercials (hence “ricola horn” duh) and my family was totally shocked that I went up on my accord to participate because I was so shy when I was that age. “Wow, your grandparents took you all over the place, didn’t they,” Glenn said, for once not saying anything disparaging about one of my beautiful stories. “Yeah,”  I laughed. “It didn’t really prepare me for being a poor adult.”
• There’s this song by Girl’s Generation called “Lion heart” and every time I hear it, the beginning of it sounds similar to an older song from the 70s and it was driving me NUTS because I couldn’t think of it. So I played Lion Heart for Henry and he was like QUESTION MARK. All I could come up with was that the song I was thinking of was in the Jacki Sorensen Encore aerobics video I used to fuck with all the time when I was younger, and Henry was like, “Yeah, that clue doesn’t help me at all.” Anyway, I was able to find a tracklist for that Jacki Sorensen VHS (I CAN BUY IT ON VINYL FOR $4!!!) and immediately knew it was Rita Coolidge’s classic late 70s hit “Higher and Higher.” So I played it for Henry back to back with Lion Heart and he just gave me a noncommittal shrug in response. ANYWAY, I’m only telling you this because the next night we went to Eat n Park for dinner and while Henry was at the salad bar, HIGHER AND HIGHER came on so I started yelling, “Henry!!!” was desperately pointing at the speakers in the ceiling while trying to mime “LISTEN TO WHAT SONG IT IS” and it took him awhile but then he understood and laughed. What the fuck is up with Eat n Park and their psychic soundsystem? This just happened two weeks ago when Chooch was singing “Summer of ’69” and it started playing at the same time. Something else happened there too, music-related, but now I can’t remember, however, I can remember the table we were sitting at. So there’s that. Also, Boz Scaggs.

I mean, it’s not exact, but it was similar enough to trigger a correlation in my brain, so step off.

• If you don’t work with me, you won’t care about this, but we’ve implemented a red light as an AUDIT ALERT. Sandy actually had this idea about a year ago, but for some reason, we never did anything about it. Then on Friday, Lou came out of the printer room with an audit in his hand and said, “There really needs to be a light or something that will let us know when there are audits over there.” Long story short: audits are the only thing we do I our department un-electronically. Like, we actually print that shit out and put it in a tray for someone to pick up. It’s very vintage. Anyway, after Lou said that, I pulled out the old lamp that I used three Halloweens ago when I decorated my desk like a funeral home. It’s just been chillin’ under my desk this whole time. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’LL FIND UNDER THERE, OK. There were no available outlets to plug it in over where the audits actually reside, but since most of the people who handle the audits sit near me, we felt that putting it on the ledge next to my desk would suffice. Commence a day full of Red Light District and Roxanne jokes.I turned it on once to try it out and Chris came running out of his office in fake audit panic. When there actually was an audit, I turned on the lamp but then panicked because it was so bright, so then I blurted out, “LOU THERE’S AN AIUDIT!” and turned off the lamp. Todd and Glenn were simultaneously like, “What the hell is the point of the lamp if you’re just going to yell that there’s an audit?” and then they were mocking me and saying, “LOU, DINNER’S READY” because I guess I sounded like his mom, ugh. “This is going to have a Pavlov’s effect on them,” Glenn mumbled.

  “They’re going to start drooling every time the light turns on.” Then I proposed that I start chucking Asian candy at whoever brings the audit back to me and everyone seemed on board with that idea. I’m going to look for spiky ones next time I’m at the Asian market.

• Anyway, all this succeeded in doing was setting off my Giddy Meter, and I had to put my head down at one point because I was choking on giggles. And this reminded me of the time in 8th grade when my homeroom teacher put a chair in the hallway and made me sit out there every time I was overcome with giddiness.
  • Being this giddy and thinking about 8th grade gave me flashbacks to the GREATEST STORY OF MY WHOLE LIFE, and that is one about The Man Who Crossed the Street. This is a TRUE STORY which you can read by clicking that link but if you had the good fortune of sitting near me at work on Friday, then you got to hear me regale a bunch of confused ears with a real life re-telling of this story, in between actual chokes on laughter. After work, I was trying to tell Henry that I told everyone this story but I started laughing all over again and he was just like, “Oh god, that story? I’ll never understand why it’s so funny.” Then Henry said that he wouldn’t be surprised if my giddy bray got me moved to solitary confinement at work, or Gayle’s hallway.
  • What this taught me is that I’m basically the same person I was in 8th grade. I think I’m OK with that.
    • My only explanation is that I had two head injuries during my formative years. Cut me some slack, you guys.
      • Toward the end of the day, Sue came over and said, “OK Lucy, ‘splain” and nodded toward the lamp. She seemed shock that this was actually work-related and admitted that she thought Glenn was trying to be mean to me (LOL, “trying”). Then she said, “But where did the lamp come from?” And I was like, “Oh, it’s from my funeral desk.” After she walked away, I said to Lauren, “That sounds so normal in my head….” and Lauren finished, “But every time you say it out loud, it’s like you realize and then you stutter!” and then oh how we laughed.
        • My favorite part was when Sandy walked by and announced, “Ooh, the audit light’s on! There’s an audit!” and then Ethan came out of his office to get the audit, so Sandy said, “See, it works!” “I didn’t know the light was on until I heard you say that the light was on,” Ethan said, dashing all of our hopes and dreams.

(^^^SEE? IT WAS A BIG DEAL.)

• Henry’s kimbap and banchan is off the charts lately. He even taught (I almost typed “teached” there – so what you’re telling me is that I’d be a great candidate for US Secretary of Education) Chooch how to roll kimbap after he expressed interest. EVERYTHING RULES IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
  
• You know what America needs? A fucking hero. Maybe it could have been HENRY if he hadn’t gone AWOL from the SERVICE all those years ago. Good one, Henry. Can I nominate G-Dragon as our hero?

• One of my work friends asked me if I got my hair cut the other day and I said no because my memory might be malfunctioning on the daily but I knew for a fact that I haven’t been to a salon in a very long time, but then hours later, I replayed that short conversation in my head and realized that I’M A LIAR because I had recently cut my own hair, so yes – yes, I did get my hair cut. I swear I’m not a pathological liar.
  • I honestly cut my hair with half-rusted scissors and get more compliments now than when I paid $100 at a salon. HOW.
  • I cut my hair myself because I love the sound of scissors on dry hair. Fight me.
• Last night, Henry was watching live BIGBANG performances on YouTube all on his own. He’s never done that with any other band I like, just saying.
• I just told Chooch he’s annoying and Henry snapped, “you’re both annoying.”

ON THAT NOTE.

I wish this outfit still fit Chooch.

Oh who am I kidding – I wish this outfit fit me.

When I was that age, I was wearing frumpy knee-length skirts and moccasins WITH SOCKS.

Now Chooch is at the age where it’s harder to find cool clothes for him, so I decided that I’m going to buy Henry a sewing machine and he’s going to start making the clothes I design for Chooch – it’ll be like a little Brookline sweatshop! (Better than a little Brookline methlab though, amirite.) So far, everything I designed for him (in my head – I don’t fuck with sketches) has lots of sequins, fun-fur and stuffed animal heads.

Clothing design is one of the few artsy things I haven’t dabbled in yet, but I’m sure I will become poor-to-mediocre at that as well, in due time. Just like jewelry-making and flash fiction!

I know I drive Chooch nuts with my rabid control over his wardrobe, but if I leave it up to him and Henry, he’ll be wearing over-sized Minecraft shirts and shapeless jeans and I won’t allow that. He’s either going to grow up with the unbridled confidence to be fashionably adventurous (LIKE G-DRAGON <3), or he’s going to wear Crocs and stained Steelers seeatshirts.

I guess I’ll still love him either way….?

I think the moral of this uninspired post is that I’m bored as fuck and need a new hobby because blogging and fake-painting make me yawn. In other words: Get your thread and bobbins, Henry Robbins!

ETA: I just filled Henry in and he said “How does your new hobby involve me sewing?” LOL oh Henry.

PICTURE IT: Somewhere around 10:00 Saturday Night (but not 10:15). Chooch and I had recently finished our Kpop workout and were hanging out with Henry, eating ice cream (just plain American kinds, ugh) and watching some Korean variety shows, WHEN THERE CAME A KNOCK UPON THE DOOR. Cue Chooch and me screaming and running away like we were about to be raided (for what, having too many clowns?) while Henry calmly rose to see to the knocking. I just had this sinking feeling that it was Boots, or someone for Boots, OR MAYBE THE GAS MAN? Even though it’s been 7 years since we’ve been on sour terms with the gas company. I think I have PTSD, and door-knocking triggers me.

“It’s just Chris and Monica,” Henry sighed, at which point Chooch and I tentatively came back into the room, hearts still pounding, trying to laugh off our unfounded paranoia. (In their defense, they didn’t actually ambush us like a plain-clothed SWAT team. They texted me but I was in Korean mode and ignoring the non-Hangul transmissions on my phone.)

I feel like Henry probably flashed Chris and Monica his best, most penetrating HOSTAGE EYES every time I wasn’t looking, as if to say, “PLEASE HELP ME ESCAPE LITTLE KOREA. SHE’S LIKE KIM JONG-UN UP IN HERE. I MADE MUNG BEAN PORRIDGE TODAY — MUNG BEAN PORRIDGE!  I JUST WANT TO WATCH NCIS AND EAT A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER AND LISTEN TO THE MOTHERBITCHIN’ EAGLES, AMERICA, AMERICA, GOD SHED HIS GRACE ON THEE!”

But they were just like, “Did you hear something? Why do I suddenly feel oppressed?” and I was all, “That was probably just the sound of the frightened patriarchy, hey let’s talk about kpop and our reproductive rights!”

Can you believe we haven’t seen Chronica since our Christmas party?! The horrors! So even though they were just passing through, it was still awesome to get to hang out for a bit, talking about boners (DON’T WORRY IT’S JUST LOCKER ROOM TALK) and what I eat on my K-diet.

Henry took the floor to brag about his K-cooking prowess (he even bought a pan that’s made in Korea), but then I chimed in that usually the only time I don’t eat a Korean meal is for breakfast during the week because I’m left to  my own devices and mostly end up just eating a piece of bread.

“That’s so sad,” Chris said in a voice that could have been translated to mean, “Monica, let’s adopt Erin.”

They needed to leave by 10:30, so at 10:24 I cried, “WAIT! Before you leave, will you watch ONE, just ONE, BIGBANG video?” and they were like, “….yes, question mark question mark” at which point my brain nearly exploded trying to choose JUST ONE video, so I let Chooch do it and he cooly suggestion Fxxk It. So that’s what we watched while Chooch and I sniped at each other about who likes them more and then I squealed, “ISN’T G-DRAGON THE PRETTIEST PERON IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE” and Monica said that yes, she thought that maybe he was.

“Second to my wife,” she wisely added.

And then they left while they still knew some of the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

Penelope Ann Killer, a/k/a Peen Lop, Jon Benet, Penis.

Talent: expert subtitle blocker.

Drew “Nightmare” Walden, a/k/a Chooch’s Dumb Cat, Drewbaru, Drew Beringer.

Talent: looking dopey and surprised, constantly.

We’ve had these furry little jerks for over a year now! Penelope lets me cuddle with her but NOT DREW and that pisses me off.

Chooch said it’s because she hates me but Marcy more than hated me and even she let me cuddle with her occasionally.

I think Drew is just defective.

Anyway, remember how we told Chooch that we were taking him to his new foster home when we were really taking him to someone’s house to pick out a kitten(s)? God, that was so much fun. I think being a parent really suits me. At least the psychological warfare part of it, anyway.

Meow meow.

TOP from BIGBANG has officially enlisted in the Korean military, and then Taeyang posted this fan art on Instagram and Chooch and I literally cried. 

Real tears – you can ask Henry. Here, I’ll do it for you. 

Me: Henry what did me and Chooch do when TOP enlisted in the Korean military?

Henry: Is this a test? Cry?

PASS. 

Liking Kpop is the worst thing ever because groups disband constantly and super early in their careers, and then the boy groups all eventually have to enlist and in BIGBANG’s case, TOP is the first, and then supposedly G-Dragon and Taeyang will go later this year, and then Daesung and Seungri in 2018 (although some things I read said 2019 for Seungri). So it could be like 5 years until they’re all out and together again and who knows if they will continue as BIGBANG? I might never ever ever get to see them live and that makes my heart feel like its bloated with poisoned pond water. BIGBANG has been my security blanket these last several months, like from morning until I come home from work it’s all Misery Business, and then once I’m home it’s all LETS WATCH ANOTHER BIGBANG VIDEO/BIGBANG APPEARANCE ON A VARIETY SHOW/BIGBANG LIVE PERFORMANCE and I feel so happy and safe. 

Let me put this in perspective: I get notifications that Emarosa posted something on Instagram and I’m like, “oh. It’s just Emarosa.” It’s like BIGBANG has pushed every other band out of my heart — there is no room for anyone else to swim in the poison pond water! 

G-dragon was there with TOP when he got his military haircut yesterday and posted this picture, breaking a million+ hearts. 

Chooch wanted me to sign off with Last Dance, which will end up being the last song they ever made if they don’t continue as BIGBANG after all this dumb military stuff, ugh. </3 I need to find a support group. 

And my choice for the sign off of this depressing blog post is the equally depressing video for Haru Haru, which will actually make my eyes well up just by thinking about it. Also, I love young BIGBANG!

The balloons we got for the baby shower two weeks ago are still lingering. I guess Henry paid like, a whole dollar extra for some sort of helium steroids. I don’t know. But there are numerous survivors, clinging on to their last high-pitched super helium breath.

It’s to the point where I’ve grown accustomed to having them in the house, like unpredictably relocating pieces of home decor.

Drew’s still not a fan though.

So I decided that now I need to always have balloons in the house. The current ones are almost all sunk so maybe this weekend I’ll go get more. WHAT COLORS THOUGH?!!

But then Henry snapped, “These fucking balloons have got to go!!” and started popping them right in front of me. What a brute!! TT.TT

I guess he forgot when I woke him up in the middle of the night last week to tell him that we need to always have balloons in the house and he said OK.

Thank god it’s Throwback Thursday, because I’ve got nothing. Here’s a story about a time Chooch and I went geocaching together. It was a year ago. I don’t even have the energy to Throwback Thursday further than a year. Screaming in the woods sounds good right about now, but it’s cold and dark outside so instead I’m just going to dance to the Wonder Girls. #life
******
Chooch and I went geocaching last weekend and we are now, together, co-blogging about it. I’m not writing this with my hyperbolic plume either. This experience was particularly blood-boiling, and I have an extremely low boiling point to begin with.

Short-fused.

Tightly-wound.

Hot-headed.

I’m all of these things.

Hey its yo boy Chooch, I’m gonna tell you a little things about Geocaching. K, First things first, I learned about Geocaching in school in a book. Geocaching is basically a High-Tech Treasure Hunt Game where you get the app or go on a computer and look for a Gray, Blue, Orange, Light Green, or Dark Green dot and you click on it. It will tell you what the coords are and you just go look for it.

Erin here: I thought he learned about it from YouTube, so I am currently pleasantly surprised.

So I thought there wasn’t much to do, I thought me and mommy could go Geocaching. Daddy didn’t think it would go well, but I did. He said we would kill each other cause’ we’re so competitive. So we went on a Saturday and went to South Park. Because usually there is a lot of Geocaches in the park. As soon as we got there mommy flipped out. Two minutes in she just wanted to go home. I was in the wrong area the whole time.

Erin here: Geocaching with Chooch is terrible because he thinks he knows but HE DOES NOT KNOW. He took us to some area that had an older man like, DIGGING something or someone in the woods and we had to walk near him. That was incredibly unpleasant. Chooch was putzing around with the app and I kept screaming, “AREN’T THERE COORDINATES?! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE TO LOOK?!?!” and we were literally just standing there, walking in tiny circles, staring at the ground and toeing rocks. Chooch isn’t wrong — two minutes in, I completely flipped my lid and screamed (and I mean BELLOWED), “This is fucking ridiculous! I am going THE FUCK HOME!” Volaries of birds burst out of a nearby tree. The man with the shovel was like “…the fuck is that lady’s problem?” and according to Chooch, everybody hated me when this happened.

“Everybody.”

We were in the fucking park in January! There were not many people around!

Except for a biker who said hello to me RIGHT AFTER MY OUTBURST and because I’m a fucking psychopath, I switched on Sweet Erin and jovially bid him a fine afternoon in the fakest fucking baby voice I could muster.

OH, SUCH DEMURE.

Back to Unicorn Chooch: After looking for like… 7 mins or so I was just looking through rocks, and I saw some weird looking rock. I felt the bottom and it was flat. I turned it over and it was a sliding rock cache. I found the cache. We put some inappropriate mommy cards* in there. I mean like the cards she makes. I was so happy. But… I forgot to bring a pen to sign it. So I made mummy go check the car for a pen. No luck.

Me again: When I went to the car, some dumb elderly couple cheerfully said hello to me, as they were getting their idiot bikes out of their minivan. I said, “HI-YEEEEE!” in return and they kind of stepped back a little because I guess I sounded like I was being an asshole. BECAUSE I WAS.

*And he’s talking about my Totally Awesome Blog Cards, thanks!

I just put a card in and went on the app and said I found it. I wrote “Took forever I thought me and my mom would kill each other! My god”

So then mommy wanted to go home but I told her there’s one 0.3 miles away. We walked down a muddy trail next to a golf course. There was a tree tipped over so it was like a tunnel. I wasn’t going off trail I was totes on trail. We got to some torn down outhouse because I thought it was right there but nope. Farther down by a log. I was getting stabbed in the leg by tons of thorns almost dying. Then I tried to climb over a log but fell. I could’ve died. Mummy couldn’t see because she was in some crack. Lol sounds weird.

Me, with anguish: Hello, it was a GORGE and I was trapped in it, OK?

Erin’s turn: Chooch had us going totally off-trail and it was getting late in the afternoon. I felt like I was on some Blair Witch expedition and bitch, I wasn’t dying for no fucking Tupperware container in the woods. And then we get to these decrepit outhouse ruins and I thought for sure we were going to perish. I kept having future visions of tumbling into that hole and getting dragged down into Hell. Because that would be my luck.

So Henry and I used to occasionally go letterboxing back in the day, which was like the pioneer version of geocaching in that it didn’t give you GPS coordinates and you had to rely on good old-fashioned directions to find your booty. Like, turn right by the crushed Michelobe Lite can. The problem with this though is that most of the time, that fucking beer can wasn’t there anymore, you know? However, with this particular cache we were looking for, it said that it was near “an old source of water.” For some reason, Chooch felt that this meant “look for an ancient outhouse and try not to get murdered.”

Spoiler alert: it was not anywhere near the outhouse. Chooch fucking left me there and started scaling some mountain to get back to the trail that we had long-since abandoned and here’s something to add to the Erin Fact Book: I tend to get crippled with fear anytime I’m faced with walking down a steep hill. So it took a good five minutes of me standing millions of yards away from Chooch, screaming, “I CAN’T DO IT! I’M SCARED! WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME!?” before I finally ran at full speed down the hill and then let momentum carry me up the other side of the “crack” as Chooch effectively called it.

I was rewarded by finding the stupid cache literally as soon as I joined Chooch on the other side. I stubbornly spat, “The clue said that it’s by an old source of water and I don’t see AN OLD SOURCE OF WATER” and then a split second later, I said, “Oh, right there” and pointed to a rusty water pump a few feet away.

And let me tell you, all of my homicidal rage completely evaporated and I was suddenly a completely different broad, jumping up and down and screaming, “Yay geocaching!”

So Chooch, back from playing GTA-V: We opened up the cache and put a card in. I took tw bouncy balls and a picture of a cat. I replaced it with the card.

We saw there was a bridge on the way back to the car we completely missed. I walked up really easily but on the way back down mommy cried for help and I was so disappointed in her. I thought she could do it until I told just to jump and she whined even more. Eventually like 24hours later she jumped.

Erin, Terrified of Heights: I WAS HIGH UP THERE, OK!? And I didn’t jump down. I cautiously and slowly scooted down. Anyway, it’s amazing how much my attitude changed after winning at geocaching. I practically skipped the whole way back to the car with a crown of blue birds swirling around my dome. Also, I was completely shocked at how calm and patient Chooch was during our trying times. He never gave up! So there’s one quality he didn’t get from me: the endurance of a champion quitter.

Bootiful horse ass! So cute with the tail and riders! I was like neigh and they were like moo! Then I just started singing The Killers.

That was a fun day maybe we can do it again!

Me: Probably not. Except for right now, since this was how I got Chooch to write on here. Fuck.

When I was walking around downtown on my lunch break today, some guy came up to me with his hand held up and enthusiastically said, “Good job today!” I instinctively went in with my open palm for a high five, all awkwardly and spontaneously choreographed. In less than a second, he totally turned my day around and with an avuncular smile, made me believe that I REALLY DID A GOOD JOB TODAY. 

I mean, after I determined that it hadn’t been a ruse to pick-pocket me. What a nice gesture, though! And I don’t even think he was challenged in any way — just a normal guy trying to be a light through the darkness. We need more of that in this world. 

So, to pass along that sentiment, to anyone who’s reading this: GOOD JOB TODAY. 

And, to counteract all the gloomy gray and….Cheetos orange we’ve been subjected to, here is a video full of ALL THE COLORS. RAINBOW THERAPY. 

These pictures are giving me life right now. These two are experts at dealing with my manic obsessions and emo crying fits.  <3

I woke up Monday morning, started crying, and have cried every day since. Call it winter blues, the state of the nation, bi-polar downswing, Bigbang enlisting in the military…but shit’s been no fucking fun this week. Wendy came over to my desk on Thursday to say hi because we hadn’t seen each other all week, and my eyes promptly started squirting tears. She was like “……………” and then took me to lunch yesterday to talk.

It’s been so bad that I skipped a Mogwai concert on Wednesday. It’s dire straits when I skip a show because I’m that sad. 

This happens. It’s life. After suffering through depression/mental fuckarows for most of my life, I eventually got to the point where I’m OK with telling people, “I AM HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CRISIS, PLEASE HELP ME.” I never used to ask for help before. But I do now, and I’m lucky that I have Henry and a slew of supportive friends who seamlessly swoop in and pick me up. Another thing I do is go for a walk and recite in my head all of the things worth living for.

Bipolar 101. It seems so basic, yet it’s so easy to skip over the fundamentals and go right for fetal position despondency! And for as inherently emo as I am, I DON’T WANT THAT. And no one who has to be AROUND me wants that, haha.

Wow, thanks for letting me get that shit off my dumb chest, Internet. Now here’s some things have been cheering me up lately.

1. Little things to laugh about at work, which has been otherwise intolerable. For instance, yesterday #ughLou couldn’t stop sneezing and we were all collectively like UGH LOU. Finally, Ethan said very calmly, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if you were dead, you wouldn’t sneeze anymore.” I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard at work. Nothing like a low-key death threat to lighten the mood!
2. Watching Running Man episodes om YouTube and realizing that every so often, I can understand what’s being said without looking at the subtitles!

3. Patbingsu! We were originally going to go to some Korean restaurant in Beaver Falls but then Chooch and I had a fight (lol) and I didn’t want to be in the car with him for that long so I suggested instead that we just go to Sumi’s Cakery in Squirrel Hill and get some patbingsu so that’s what we did and it totally salvaged the day. While we were there, a small Lunar New Year parade happened so we got to watch that and it was really exciting! I love watching a lion throw lettuce!

4. The aforementioned lunch with Wendy yesterday. Not only did I have a lovely mock tuna sandwich at Umbrella Cafe, but we got to vent on each other about life and, you know, that thing running our country into the ground. She also let me talk about Korea which is basically all I want to do anymore (see also: Escapism, Alternate Reality, Diversion Tactics).

5. Designing more marquees! There are three that we’re planning on making: a cat head for Chooch’s room, my KPOP-or-GTFO lightbox, and a third one that I’m not mentioning yet in case it doesn’t work the way I want it to and then I’ll (oh girl) cry cry cry. The kpop marquee will be for the third floor neon dreamscape that Henry isn’t working fast enough to complete. It’s just that he isn’t seeing my vision yet. I’ve explained the toy dinosaur wall to him like a thousand times and each time, he acts he’s hearing it for the first time.  I also don’t think he understands my plan to turn plastic jack-o-lanterns into hanging planters. Try to keep up, Henry-oppa.  (I’ve also been calling him H-Bird lately too, because his last name is Robbins which is like robin which is a bird….He’s rejecting it though.)

I will leave you with a picture of Peen-Lop and a Bigbang video, because they’re giving me life.

When I was looking for new pictures of G-Dragon to use as my desktop background at work (lol), I noticed that in some of the photos from when he had pink hair, and something about him looked sort of familiar. And then I realized it – Chooch when he had pink hair during the summer of 2015!

CHOOCH COULD BE A KPOP IDOL. I’m going to push him toward this goal. He definitely needs more sequins and fun-fur in his wardrobe, though. So I’m also going to buy Henry a sewing machine.

I gotta get Chooch more blazers too. He’s going to hate his life so bad. I mean, love! He’s going to LOVE it.

Blazers with ruffles. 

K bye.