I’m sure if you have children, you share my pain and frustration when it comes to Halloween. I’m thankful that Chooch goes to a school that at least acknowledges that Halloween exists, but then they go and take all the fun out of it because there are so many rules and restrictions when it comes to what they’re allowed to wear and bring in for snacks. 

Anyway, Chooch’s main costume for trick or treating breaks the “NO WEAPONS” rule because it involves half a homemade arrow god forbid. So at the last minute, I decided that we might as well make use of his pink hair and build a cheap l, bare bones costume around it because  the school’s sad excuse for a Halloween party is not worth much more effort than this. 

Stupid cotton candy. 

Henry came home from work early enough to walk to the school and watch the parade with me, so he was there to witness the moment when Chooch broke my HEART by waking out with the cotton all unfluffed AND NO SIGN. 

“He looks like a half-assed clown going to a birthday party! This is STUPID. I HATE TODAY,” I cried to Henry who gave me his canned response of “Take it easy.”

And that little jerk knew he fucked up because he gave me that shit-eating grin/shrug combo and I mouthed “YOU ARE DEAD TO ME” at which point he turned back to his dumb friends and giggled his way on down the parade route while my feelings hung out to dry on a clothesline fashioned from my fragile ego. 

I stormed off with Henry casually following me like this wasn’t the worst thing in the world and he wasn’t bothered by it AT ALL. 

I’ll spare you the details, but there was also a complete tantrum thrown in the middle of an alley on the way to Cannon Coffee and then I was like IM JUST GOING HOME and got even more mad when Henry didn’t try to stop me but then we ended up going to Cannon Coffee anyway because I knew there was no coffee at home and I NEEDED IT. 

I was mostly ok after that. Although Henry just now begged me to please try to calm down for the rest of the day because apparently I’m being a bitch.

I hate Halloween. 

J/K! I still love Halloween. 

After cocktail hour, we finally got to hug Chris and Monica during the receiving line thing and you know that I:

1. really like them
2. was properly liquored

because I was really excited about this part! I don’t know if Henry hugged them too. He was behind me and I wasn’t paying attention. I’m going to call him at work right now and find out.

Me: When we were at Chris and Monica’s wedding, did you hug them in the receiving line?

Henry: Did I hug who?

Me: Chris and Monica! [No, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers, you idiot.]

Henry: Um….[really long pause] I don’t remember.

Let’s just say that he gave them the good ol’ Service Salute. Whatever that is. Hopefully not an euphemism for something disgusting.

Luckily, Table 15 was super easy to find because it was the first table we had to walk past. (If that was intentional, thank you!) We got to sit with Nate, April, Lauren, and Tony and it was basically the best table ever. (In my opinion, anyway. There could have been some intense debates about Victorian funerary customs and vintage wheelchair exchanges at another table that I was unaware of, and then that would the best table ever.)

Chooch sat down and was like “Fuck yeah, bread!” and immediately cleaved it with all the grace of a basic Jack the Ripper.

Before dinner was served, a few people went up to give speeches, at which point I had some bizarre allergic reaction to something in the air and while it probably looked like I was crying, it was actually my eyes trying to wash away whatever was poisoning them, like I had just looked at a picture of a nude Donald Trump.  So if you saw me sniffling and dabbing my eyes with the tissues that were handed out before the wedding ceremony, that’s what was going on. I wasn’t like, touched by all of the loving words or anything sentimental like that. Please.

We had the perfect view of the first dance! I wonder why that guy was taking a picture of me.

The first dance is the part that makes me nervous when I think about my future wedding, and by future I mean future LIFE because I highly doubt I will ever experience the emotional stress and financial burden of planning a wedding in this current lifetime. No I know, you’re right. I shouldn’t think that way….

…I should just dump Henry and find someone dumb enough to want to marry me! I mean, as soon as Henry finishes all of my current and upcoming projects, that is. He’s still under contract.

Bitch, please.

Chooch’s infamous cup of urine.

As a starter, we all enjoyed a cup of delicious pumpkin soup. Chooch rejected it immediately because he won’t eat anything that’s not a chicken nugget or full of Red 40.  I had some plans to chug his cup after I finished my own soup, but then I was distracted with ridiculing Henry for not using the right spoon. You can put a different shirt on him, but the blue collar is in his blood, you guys.

Next, we had a salad, which Chooch also refused. I think Henry probably ate his, though. Henry can’t stand seeing salads go to waste. I always leave onions and tomatoes behind, which Henry predictably vacuums up with his mustachioed Hoover-hole.

“Why are people doing that?” Chooch asked when various people started tapping their glasses with silverware.

“To get Chris and Monica to kiss,” I explained, at which point Chooch nodded that he understood and reached for a knife, which Henry snatched from his fingers with a quickness. Have you met my kid? He does nothing gently and we really didn’t feel like picking shards of glass out of our hair, clothes, and eyes that evening.

For my main course, I got a giant pile of sauteed vegetables. It was a beautiful sight! I’m used to getting skimped when I select the vegetarian option, but I was presented with so much food that I actually couldn’t finish. Thumbs up, G.Wash Hotel! Those mashed potatoes, tho.

Sometime during all of this, the Puddles Pity Party cover of “Royals” started to play and I got so happy. I turned toward the brides’ table to illustrate my approval with a thumbs up and Chris and Monica smiled back, flashed a peace sign, flapped their arms, I can’t remember. But the point is I SHARED AN INSIDE MOMENT THING WITH THE BRIDES AND YOU DIDN’T.

Because you weren’t at the Puddles Pity Party show with us. And that is when Chris said to Monica, “I want to have this song played at our wedding.” I WAS THERE WHEN THAT IDEA WAS BUT A SEEDLING.

Those are not tabled ghosts in the background. It’s just some linen protecting the cookie table from us vultures.

Chooch’s view of Table 15.

I think this was right after Nate said, “OK kid, let’s put a moratorium on the Minecraft talk now.”

If it were up to Chooch, he’d have pulled a chair up to the brides’ table. Henry had to keep stopping him from going over there and bugging them and it was kind of hilarious. I mean, I told him leaving the leash at home was a bad idea.

In lieu of a wedding cake, Chronica opted for donuts and it was perfect. Henry actually made the display for them and here’s how that happened:

One night, Henry and I were sitting on the couch when Chris messaged me with pictures of donut displays and asked, “Do you think Henry could make us something like this?” and I said out loud, “Pfft, yeah, this is definitely something that you could make” and Henry was like, “Wait, what am I doing? Can I at least see it before you tell them yes?”

“I already told them yes, but here, you can look if you want.”

And luckily it was something that he was able to do. Then he thought he was King Shit because he got to have Facebook messaging parties with them and I wasn’t included. Whatever, Henry. I got to help Chris paint pumpkins so I contributed just as much wedding labor as him.

(Yes, it’s a competition.)

I mean, the donuts were fabulous, but can we talk about that cookie table though? I can’t believe I didn’t get any photos of the actual table once it was unveiled, but I can confirm that it was quite the spread. The cookie  table is one of the only traditional Pittsburgh things that I really do enjoy. Because who doesn’t love a veritable cookie buffet? And then you get to fill a carry-out container before you leave! Pittsburgh weddings rule.

And lemon squares rule. And snickerdoodles. And those chocolate cookies with powdered sugar that get me so stoked on life whenever I see they’re an option. And they even had Star Wars chocolates! Also, the coffee was spectacular. Like, drink-it-black because it’s so spectacular. The next morning, when I was nursing a slight hangover, I murmured to no one in particular, “I miss that coffee from last night.”

I wasn’t ready to have this picture taken, but whatever. I’m not even standing up straight! Thanks for all your hard work, Henry. I know lifting a heavy iPhone requires much effort.

This photo brings me so much joy because it’s the perfect representation of Chooch and Monica’s frenemyship.

Let’s be serious for a second though: I’m really happy that Chooch was included in the festivities because he loves those girls. And also, while Henry spent most of the evening half-asleep and alone at the table, Chooch and I had ridiculous amounts of fun running around, exploring the bowels of the hotel (next post!), and BEST OF ALL: dancing to our jam, “Call Me Maybe”!!!!

In case you were unfamiliar, Chooch and I are huge Carly Rae Jepsen fans. “Call Me Maybe” was our anthem during the summer of 2012 (I mean, duh) and we had some real interesting, impromptu dance parties in honor of it. So when I had to fill something in for the “What song will get you on the dance floor?” question on Chronica’s RSVP card, it was a no-brainer. Literally zero thought was required. However, I had forgotten about that, so Chooch and I kept stalking the DJ until finally Chris intercepted us on one of our clandestine missions and said, “You don’t have to request it! It’s going to get played, you wrote it on the card, remember?”

We were out in the hall when it came on and made a beeline for the dance floor, where all self-awareness and ability to move our limbs in a reasonable manner evaporated.

Again, that phone is super heavy for Henry to hold up. We’re lucky he had the strength to capture this 5 second video for us looking like derelicts on the dance floor.

And then this beautiful mother-son moment was ruined when Chooch scoffed, “No wonder no one asked you to prom! You suck at dancing!”

“I had a boyfriend so I didn’t need someone to ask me! I didn’t go to prom because I didn’t WANT TO GO TO PROM!”

God, what a jerk. And in the middle of our song, no less!

I do suck at dancing, though.

This is the dance that Chooch said he “nailed.” Sorry to say it, son, but you got your mommy’s dance moves.

Chooch got his idiotic project done tonight, Henry and I finished his Halloween costume (the one he’s wearing in the school parade, nothis actual one; they have so many rules and restrictions that it’s almost stupid to bother at all), I watched the hockey game, started planning my next party because I had a split second of downtime in my brain and freaked out, and then I painted Vic Fuentes for myself because sometimes I HAVE TO PUT MYSELF FIRST.

LOL, just kidding. That’s pretty much all the time.

#Leo

I’m off tomorrow (twice in two weeks, the nerve!) and I’m excited to walk to Cannon Coffee, watch the lame Halloween parade at Chooch’s school (and hopefully see Hot Gym Teacher!), get some more custom paintings started, and catch up on Scream Queens and American Horror Story, the latter of which has been pretty ho-hum for me (it takes a lot to shock me; I watch a lot of horror!) but in the last episode I watched tonight, The Cure’s “Siamese Dream” was playing in the background and that definitely got me to look up from phone (I’m still playing that dumb Simpsons Tapped Out game and it’s the Halloween event so I can’t quit now).

Um, I think that’s it. Aside from panicking because haunted house season is nearly over and I haven’t gone to all of the ones on my list, what a terrible life I live.  I always think that October is my favorite but then it’s here and I race through it so fast with heart palpitations and extraordinarily high expectations. Why do I do that to myself? I should buy a self help book. I think I need better structure in my life and this glass of wine is only half helping. Hopefully also tomorrow I’ll be focused enough to post some more about the Chronica wedding!

Dear blog,

Here I am on Wednesday night, ready to hand in my Parenting Membership Card because my “gifted” son and I are having knock down, drag-out arguments over some goddamn piece of shit project for his idiotic reading class that’s due on Friday and he’s being so dense and I’M SORRY BUT I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. All I wanted to do was watch my #wcw Jillian Michaels yell at people for being idiots on her new show Sweat, Inc. NOT SIT HERE IN A PILE OF FOAM BOARD AND SHARPIES, BICKERING WITH MY KID.

Oh I just can’t stand it.

I’m about to go lie down in a dark room with the Halloween soundtrack on repeat.

Here are pictures of my genius kid from Sunday, when I was still his mom and not yet sailing down a stream to the Island of Broken Moms & Soul-Crushed Dads.

I miss Sunday. We weren’t arguing over a project about animals adapting in the desert. We were playing in leaves and going to a haunted house and watching The Walking Dead.

Not all at once. But, you know.

You want a funny, HILARIOUS story about my angel-son? That little jerk landed himself in In School Suspension last Friday. Yeah, a week after we had that wonderful conference with his teachers, where I walked out of the school feeling so awesome about myself as a parent, Chooch goes and accidentally hurts his buddy in class. I guess his friend was stretching in the seat in front of Chooch, had his arms up in the air and Chooch playfully grabbed one and bent it back, a little too roughly. The teacher called Henry to let him know what happened and was totally upset about it, because she knew it was boys being boys, a total accident, but the kid ended up having to go to the nurse and because of that, Chooch spent the next day in the school slammer.

He was really upset and didn’t want to go to school the next day.

“What if they don’t give me lunch?!” he asked, practically suffocating on fear.

Chooch, it’s just ISS. Even Charles Manson gets to eat lunch!

I spent all Friday at work worrying about him, because that’s rough, you know? But then when I got home that night and asked him how it went, he gushed, “It was awesome!” Apparently, it was him and a bunch of 8th grade boys, and Chooch gets along better with the older kids than the ones in his own grade, so I guess he felt pretty comfortable. He said, “I finished my work early so I just sat there and giggled the rest of the time.” He ended up having to read a math/history book because there was nothing else to do, but it was still awesome to him, for some reason.

Just now, still toiling away at his project, he proudly called over to me, “I saw one of my 8th grade ISS friends today!”

Oh my god.

My delinquent.

The pumpkin prop was all him.

Henry’s home now. Chooch just sighed heavily and Henry said, “What’s wrong?”

“Mommy’s crazy. I mean, she’s my bae, but she is CRAZY,” Chooch said LITERALLY RIGHT BEHIND MY BACK HELLO I’M SITTING RIGHT HERE!?

If you’re wondering about how Chooch’s friend is doing after the Arm Incident, I’m going to guess he’s fine because he was at football practice the same day and he still stops here every morning so that he and Chooch can walk to school together.  And I guess that’s the most important part.

Because I don’t want to have to deal with any irate moms calling my phone.

“Maybe we should have just made a diorama like [name withheld/Chooch’s nemesis],” he says. GTFO WITH THIS “WE” NONSENSE.

Seriously, what kind of sadistic elementary school teacher makes a project due on the day before Halloween?! Doesn’t she know that we’re already embroiled in 87 various projects over here?! This is just the worst.

When Chris started working at the Law Firm in 2013, we became pretty fast friends. And after I met her girlfriend Monica, they both became two of my favorite people of all time, and I just can’t speak highly enough of them. Chris proposed to Monica later that year and I was so excited for them, like genuinely excited!

(Being proposed to. I WONDER WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.)

I even had the honor of taking their engagement pictures on what felt like the coldest day of the winter. But it was totally worth it!

Chris ended up abandoning me last fall when she left the Law Firm, and we did the whole “Keep in touch” song and dance, and you know how that goes. I don’t ever see anyone I used to work with at other jobs, which is really depressing, but I guess that’s life.

(You can only invite old co-workers to so many game nights and pie parties before you have to accept the fact that their unwillingness to RSVP might actually supposed to be sending a message.)

But in Chris’s case, we actually have kept in touch and I am so thankful for that because she and Monica have become very great friends to not just me, but Henry and Chooch, too. We still have ice cream dates and Monica still ruthlessly trolls Chooch, and I even got to help paint some pumpkins for their wedding. Which, you know, was really just manual labor masked as a casual hang-out sesh, but still — I’ll take it.

(I was a Girl Scout, OK? Making friends is important to me!)

Anyway, all of this is a long-winded, cavity-inducing preface to say that on Saturday, we attended the wedding of Chris and Monica, which they perfectly dubbed early on as Chronica2015. It was a beautiful evening at the George Washington Hotel in Washington, PA and now I’m going to bombard this space with a ton of pictures because I was giddy, punch drunk, and in a frenzy to capture as much as I could.

I was very intent on having the three of us subtly match. I bought my dress first, a Modcloth masterpiece* of flowers, foxes, and squirrels. I wore maroon tights with it, so I bought Chooch a pair of maroon slacks (lol, slacks) and a gray shirt, and then Henry bought a maroon dress shirt with a gray tie to match Chooch’s shirt.

“I just want us to look like a cohesive unit!” I cried, and they were just like STFU, woman.

Everything was looking pretty good until Chooch jacked up the whole palette with his idiotic bow tie from Spirit Halloween. Oh well – you win some, you lose some.

*(LOL, no. Modcloth is so misleading. The dress fit me so awkwardly in the arms and on the way to the wedding, I was tugging at it and squirming around in the passenger seat, crying about how I was never going to make it through the evening, but then I got drunk pretty quickly and was fine. Modcloth (n): clothing that fits fine once you’re too drunk to notice that one arm is longer than the other.)

I was mildly concerned that Chooch was going to be That Kid who disrupted the ceremony with his unstoppable motor mouth or ill-timed vomiting (you never know what Henry feeds us!), but he sat quietly and was genuinely interested in what was going on, and also checking my face constantly for tears gave him purpose because he’s a jerk.

(I did cry. Kind of a lot. It was just so wonderful and the readings were perfect! One was from the Princess Bride, I think!)

A few days before the wedding, I asked Chooch if he was cry. I assumed that he was going to snap, “No!” right away, but instead, he considered this for a few seconds before answering, “I’m not sure yet. I haven’t decided.” And then, “Are there going to be snacks?” Like he was already planning on stuffing my meat cleaver purse with snack-packs of Goldfish and Go-gurt.

Texting Nate the above picture was how I let him and April know that we had arrived.

Both brides were absolute beauties.But in all honesty, they could have just walked down the aisle in clothes dirty and tattered from an afternoon of being chased through a muddy forest in Texas by Leatherface and still looked amazing because, and here’s the part where you’ll want to hold on to your gag reflex, they had that TRULUV thing going on. I kept looking over at Henry and thinking, “should we do this or nah.”

But then my Magic 8 ball cracked and that blue ink shit got in my mouth and I died.

The ceremony was fast-paced and succinct without feeling rushed. All of the weddings I’ve attended as an adult have been pretty snappy, but I definitely have terrible childhood memories of sweating for an hour on an uncomfortable church pew during family weddings. Catholics, man.

Then it was time for cocktail hour! Or, as Chooch referred to it: Snack Time.

PRESENT. Henry wrapped it.

Cocktail hour was held upstairs in the space outside of the ballroom. I ran straight to the bar and grabbed the signature cocktail: apple cider margarita, yes. I sucked it back real quick and Henry gave me the “Watch it!

” face that fathers are born with.

I switched to wine after this because the apple cider margaritas refused to be sipped slowly.

The hotel lobby was way too fancy for Henry. The front desk wasn’t even behind bulletproof glass!

I helped paint some of those pumpkins! Chris gave me cake to take home in return, so it was pretty fair.

Chooch chose the very spot to sign, because why wouldn’t he. Henry reluctantly signed it much later in the evening because he hates doing things at the same time as us. God forbid anyone thinks we’re a COHESIVE UNIT.

Chooch stuck a pineapple slice from the “snack table” onto the rim of his pineapple juice and said, “Nailed it.” Then he proceeded to call it his cup of urine for the rest of the night.

Far in the distance, you might spot one Maestro Chooch sitting at the piano while Lauren and Tony helplessly look on. I eventually went over to fetch him and luckily, the din was just loud enough that probably no one heard him actually tickling (or tackling, in his case) the ivory.

Aerial shot of the ceremony room — it was so pretty!

Henri the Manservant going to the car to fetch Chooch’s book.

Henri the Manservant fetching us more drinks.

His book kept him busy.

LOL, just kidding. There were way too many adults around for him to pester.

Chris said that one of the portraits in the hotel is supposed to be haunted, but it’s shockingly not this one.

I feel like Chooch would be good at haunting a portrait.

Ladies room selfie from the haunted basement! My all-time favorite thing to do at places like this is EXPLORE. Thank god Chooch was there because Henry was like, “No, we were assigned to Table 15, and that is where I’m staying.”

I’m glad that Monica let Chooch be invited, because he and I had a ridiculous amount of fun.

The infamous Table 15. Dun dun dunnn.

So autumnal and cozy! I loved our Table 15. It was The Law Firm table, rounded out by Nate and April, and Lauren and Tony. I was happy to not have to struggle with awkward small talk! However, if you ask Henry, I was hammered before we even sat down, so I probably would have done a fine job carrying on a slurred convo about various skeletons in my closet and the time Henry viciously chucked a muffin at my head, because that’s what I do when I’m drunk: make people feel uncomfortable from my real talk.

Lots more photos to post! Check back soon! Unless you hate weddings!

  
There is just not enough time for me to get as much done as I would like, but I am slowly plowing through my list of custom paintings. SO WHY NOT START MORE PROJECTS. It’s not like we have Halloween costumes to make or anything.  

I have a bunch of shrink plastic left over from my last failed foray into jewelry-making, so why not waste more time! I’ve been wanting to turn some of my recent people-paintings into pendants and whatever, so I gave it a trial run last night. 

Sophia Petrillo ring and my majorly chipped nails. 
  

Sexy HEY-SOOS pendant.   

These are pretty rough prototypes just to see how they hold up. So far so good, so now I’ll make some fancier ones, maybe! Probably not! I don’t do “fancy” very well. 

In the next segment of this late night Tuesday blog post, let’s look at some recent paintings I made, because this is kind of a business and I should probably try to  promote it every once in awhile. Sorry to be so annoying & in yo’ face. 

Kellin Quinn from Sleeping With Sirens.   Frank-n-Furter for Chris, a super belated birthday gift because I’m a great friend. 

But at least my wedding gift for her and Monica was on time. 

And then this one was for my work friend Jill’s sister, who is a master biker. I like when I get to paint happy scenery. 

I just finished another custom order tonight but it’s for a birthday/Xmas gift so I can’t post it yet. And today someone bought my Lizzie Borden and Log Lady paintings! I can go to more haunted houses now!

I have another day off on Friday and I really need to make new serial killer holiday cards so FINGERS CROSSED that I can get motivated. I could never be a fake artist full time. I know you’ve been wishing on falling stars for a Ted Bundy Hanukkah card. 

As always, if you’re looking for an original gift or something to cover a hole in the wall, please visit my Etsy shop: somnambulant. 

I was met with a grisly sight this morning when I arrived at work.  I mean, even grislier than Glenn’s Monday morning face:

MY CANDY URN, SHATTERED.

“It wasn’t me,” Glenn said. “It was fully intact when I left here on Friday.”

I was devastated. My beautiful cheap vase thing that Henry bought at Goodwill and then spray-painted black because I couldn’t find an actual funerary urn that was within my Halloween desk budget, PULVERIZED.

DESECRATED.

SMASHED TO SMITHEREENS INTO FOUR LARGE PIECES!

And then I got angry and started bitching about the meat-fisted cleaning people while Glenn and Todd just sat there, amused and thankful that they have nothing of worth on their desks. Although, I could see Todd getting pretty riled up if one of his Qdoba napkins got torn in a vacuum brawl.  (Assuming that the cleaning people ever vacuum around here!)

Whining about my broken urn consumed roughly the first 30 minutes of my morning, so I didn’t notice that there was an email waiting for me about this very alarming matter.

So now the perp has a name! Lawrence. It figures. He probably goes by Loose Limbs Larry.

But then something came over me: compassion? mercy? clemency?

One of those things. Because I suddenly felt very sorry for Larry and imagined him falling to his knees and punching himself in the head after The Cleaning Incident occurred. Kind of like every time Henry breaks something of mine, which is OFTEN.

I became extremely giddy after reading this email. I even read it out loud to Glenn and Todd, and then began forwarding it around to other concerned co-workers, because a damaged candy urn is a very big deal. I think the only person who felt a true sense of loss over it was A-ron, because he really enjoys jamming his hand into the urn for a delightful snack. But then even he started cracking up after reading the email.

“There could be 5,000 of those things around the department and hers would be the only one that breaks,” Glenn muttered. I think he was secretly happy to be off the chopping block though, now that the offender was known.

And then the “facilities coordinator” came down to my desk with a copy of the accident report for me to fill out.

“I swear to god, I don’t need reimbursed for this,” I laughed. I mean, YES IT WAS A TRAGEDY AND LAWRENCE SHOULD GET FIRED, but my conscience is pretty loaded so Larry, it’s your lucky day. You’ve been spared.

I still had to fill the stupid thing out, with my comments and $0 next to “value of broken/lost item.” I considered putting “PRICELESS” but this facilities broad was standing there watching me and I knew I would start laughing.

“I could take the letter back for you too and throw it out,” she said, holding out her hand for the APOLOGY LETTER that Lawrence Grant was required to fill out. I blurted out, “No! No, I’ll keep that.”

“Whatever you say,” she sighed. Her job must be so goddamn annoying.

Anyway, here’s the apology note:

Man, I was really disappointed to see that this was a form letter and not something more heartfelt. But there are two different usages of “sincere,” so…

I left the urn shards on Gayle’s desk. She’s going to glue it back together, but I told her not to do it too well because I want Lawrence to see it sitting on my desk, looking all Frankenstein’d, so he’ll be forced to come face to face with his clumsy actions every time he’s on our floor. At least he didn’t knock over my bottle of Bela Lugosi’s grave dirt.

God, this was the best Monday morning ever.

I wanted to talk about it in our meeting today because this is something that affects all of us as a group, but people were too busy talking about work stuff.

(FUN SIDE NOTE: the Law Firm uses the same cleaning company that Tina & Eleanore, Inc. employed and I was obsessed with one of them. I wonder if this is Lawrence?!)

(ANOTHER FUN SIDE NOTE: Todd just now, hours later, admitted that he’s had no idea what exactly broke. “Oh, THAT thing! Yeah, I had no idea what we were talking about.” Then he asked me if I’m going to leave an “Apology accepted” note in the bare space on my desk where the urn once sat, and I mentioned that I have indeed been considering starting some type of correspondence with Lawrence. “Oh, I think you definitely should,” Todd agreed emphatically. “This is the perfect breeding ground for a new friendship.” CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.)

Yesterday was Chris and Monica’s wedding and it was lovely. I almost never use that word in a non-sarcastic sense, but my sentiments are real. There will be a proper post about that, believe me, but for now, here’s a picture of what my kid wore, which I made him re-wear today when I realized I didn’t get any decent photos of him wearing clothes that weren’t dirty or full of holes. 

He somehow managed to keep his shirt tucked in all night, too!

(His bow tie is actually from Spirit Halloween; he wanted it because it’s Minecraft-esque.)

We’re currently rounding out another beautiful fall weekend with a trip to the WV state pen in Moundsville for their haunted house with my sister Amy and her daughter Brooke. October weekends forever!

We did some running around Thursday evening and then Henry realized he had about 15 minutes to get food into our mouths before Chooch and I started to morph into our demonic alter egos from Famine Land, so he pulled into the El Campesino parking lot with a quickness.    

Bunch of asses. 

We had the BEST Mexican waiter, an older guy who was just a real delight, even after he had to come back FOUR times before Chooch finally settled on a taco, which is all he ever gets at Mexican restaurants anyway, so I’m not quite sure what he was trying to unearth on that menu. 

While we waited for ourfood, some Yinzer man stopped as he walked past our table to commend Chooch on reading a book—he brought in his new Dan & Phik book to read at the table; why do all of these YouTubers keep putting out books? I’m doing it wrong. EL SIGH. Anyway, this guy overstayed his welcome and it was already awkward even before he started talking to us about his ex-wife and her nocturnal reading habits. But still, it was kind of nice at the same time because kids these days need all the encouragement to stay off cell phones and tablets as they can get. BOOKS R GUD, KIDZ. Even if it’s just these idiot YouTube ones. Reading is reading. 
 

After dinner, Chooch gleefully ordered sopapillas. He’s been obsessed with sopapillas since he was about 4 or 5 I guess? It started one day when we went to King’s of all places, after roller skating, and he ordered sopapillas. I kept saying it over and over in a robust Italian accent, because why not, maybe sometimes Mario and Luigi are sick of cannoli and want a nice plate of pillowy sopapillas. You don’t know. Chooch thought this was hilarious because he’s my #1 fan (and probably also because Henry kept telling me to stop because I was being “annoying”).

So Chooch of course goes to school and starts saying “Sopapillas!” like it’s a Tourette’s tick, and some bratty girl told on him so he actually got in trouble for saying the name of a MEXICAN DESSERT. 

Catholic schools, man. 

It’s a huge joke with us now, because how goddamn ridiculous. Maybe Pontius Pilate was eating sopapillas when he condemned Jesus to the cross, who knows. But Chooch never passes up the chance to order them when we’re out. 

Our adorable waiter repeated Chooch’s order back to him and after he walked away, Chooch closed his eyes and murmured, “Ugh, I love hearing him say that. ‘Sopapillas’…..”

  
And here he is with his dumb book. My favorite book when I was his age was The Westing Game and I’m determined to make him read it. (I’m always looking for recommendations for him, so feel free to comment with your faves!)

Let’s take another stumble around my city. This time we’ll walk out of my building and go right then change our minds and go left because why not.

When the distinct stench of boiling piss coils its way up into your nostrils, you will know without even looking up that you are about to pass Mike & Tony’s Gyros and then, if you’re anything like me, you will say the word “gyro” to yourself and then relish the fact that SO MANY PEOPLE would be angry with you for not pronouncing it YEAR-o. Say it again! GY-RO GY-RO GY-RO! Oh, just like it’s spelled!

Now that we’re cloaked under a steel curtain of rebellion, let’s proceed.

If the bouquet of piping hot urine didn’t make you hurl, you’ll have another shot at jogging ye ol’ gag reflex a few feet later when we approach the Planned Parenthood protestors. Mmmm, abortion dioramas! If they try to hand you some of their literature, take it and then throw it away in the garbage while they’re looking. That’s what I do. BECAUSE: REBEL.

GY-RO GY-RO GY-RO.

Let’s turn on to another street where we can marvel and ogle the luxurious facade of this…printing company.

What a waste of a great slab of architecture.

If you’re one of those freaks (like me) who dislike Starbucks, might you consider buying your whatever-is-trendy-now latte at Crazy Mocha? It’s OK there but sometimes the broads working at this particular location are the exact reason why hipsters get a bad rap. SORRY THAT I’M MAKING YOU DO YOUR STUPID JOB BY ORDERING COFFEE.

Now we’re walking on the same block we started on because your tour guide got confused and turned the wrong way. But hey, let’s re-pass this new artsy theater thing called Bricolage and see if that lady is still sitting in the window in the middle of a pile of papers. Yep, she is. I think it might be some kind of living art exhibit but who has time to talk to a person and ask, you know?

This place closed sometime shortly after I started working downtown and I honestly thought Barb was going to throw a funeral for it, she was that upset. I never ate there, so I didn’t care one way or another. It’s still just sitting there, all vacant and asking to be vandalized.

I hope one of Barb’s enemies buys it and turns it into a BILL PAXTON MUSEUM. I’d visit it every day just so I could send her mean photos to remind her of how much I MISS HER.

And then right across the street is the library, which I knew existed somewhere downtown after 5+ years of overhearing co-workers say things like, “I am going to walk to the library to return my book” or “There was a crime scene over by the library.” However, I had never actually seen the library. Turns out, I’ve walked past the library approximately 87,000 times and somehow never, not once, picked up on the GIANT letters spelling out “library” on the windows or the fact that it’s filled with books.

If you’re not into the glorious musk of books, cross the street and dunk your nose into the wares of the sidewalk perfume peddler. Also, this elderbroad with pink hair and skull scarf is way cooler than you and me. I wonder which scent she will buy. Hopefully none because I don’t trust the perfume peddler. I saw him doing push-ups once in the middle of a plaza FOR NO REASON.

PUSH-UPS! FOR NO REASON!

This is a building that tourists like to photograph. Every time I see it, I think back to the time in elementary school when I went downtown with my BFF Christy’s family to see the Christmas shit that is traditionally on display down there, and I was being so uncharacteristically obnoxious that Christy’s mom yelled at me, and Christy’s mom is like THE NICEST LADY EVER, so that should tell you a little something about how I was acting.

Also, that’s a lie because I see this building EVERYDAY and I do not actually think about getting yelled at by Mrs. McBride EVERYDAY.  But I did think about it after I took this picture because I walked by a sign for the Wintergarden and had a flashback of getting scolded.

And then I noticed I was walking with my bottom lip jutting out.

Henry often yells at me for the same reason, so I guess I haven’t really grown up very much. (Welcome to Oh Honestly, Erin, where the realizations are groundbreaking.)

Now we’re walking alongside the big tall glass castle building because I like the way the ground looks fit for Alice and her Wonderland friends to have a scene.

There are these dinosaur things on the other side. Also, Heinz is like a big thing around here. You wouldn’t understand.

I don’t think they mind having their picture taken. They’re probably used to it.

I know this is weird because my name is Erin, but this is not actually my deli. If it were, the only “hot special” would be what you’re dumping down the commode afterward.

There. That was another 60 minute stumble* around downtown. And now you’ve seen more Pittsburgh parts than you probably ever cared to. In the next installment, I will try to capture the Dunkin’ Donuts protestor and possibly the scary lady on Smithfield who is always having a very loud argument with who I can only assume is Drop Dead Fred.

*(Not even lying, I really did lose my balance and stumble into a wall while walking through an alley and I basically fit right in.)

If you’ve ever read this blog before, for either recreational or self-torture purposes, you might know that I’m just a tiny bit obsessed with haunted houses. Some might even consider it to be a glaring character flaw.

I’m lucky to live in Pittsburgh (and that’s one of the few times I will ever say that) because this region is popping off with haunts every October. While I’m sure it’s possible to go to every single one if you have the time (and money!), I try to mix it up every year. But there is one that is always in my official lineup, and that’s my beloved Castle Blood. I first went to this one in 1996 with my mom, and it’s been in my repertoire ever since.

(I think my favorite time ever was when I met Andy from Child’s Play there. Swooning for days.)

This is Castle Blood’s second year in its current location—an abandoned funeral home in Monessen. A funeral home, you guys. This joint is naturally creepy! Henry, Chooch, and I brought Janna and Kara with us on opening weekend. It was Kara’s first time visiting the Castle, and I was really stoked for her to experience it because it is absolutely unlike any other haunted house around. They don’t rely on blood and gore, or chainsaws and puking animatronics. Instead, what they have in spades is brilliant story-telling, originality, and a committed cast that never break character and will back hecklers into a wall with their human-hating snark and impeccably-timed ab-libbing skills. You might think you’re just buying a ticket for a haunted house, but you’re getting a little slice of theater, too.

(My current favorite denizen is Shard. He is a fiendishly blasé, apathetic vamp; getting past him requires one to practically wade through his ennui. Don’t eff with Shard, you guys. He’s not in the mood.)

(I told him, in a giddy half-whisper, that he was my favorite the last time I was there, and Henry muttered, “You’re so dumb.”)

The Castle Blood storyline changes every year, but the premise remains the same: in the beginning, your group is given three talisman to collect, and then you’re sent through the Castle, where you interact with various denizens who are there to reluctantly assist you on your quest.

This is an intelligent game, one that behooves the player to pay attention and engage their brain, not their vocal chords.  And while I consider myself to be at least mildly astute, Castle Blood never fails to reduce me to a giggling airhead. This time around, we were told to find the bone, the stone, and the crone. “What’s a crone?” I whispered to Janna.

“It’s an old lady,” she patiently told me. This is why we’ve been friends for 20+ years — she has a boatload of patience.

Meanwhile, Kara was looking for a hood ornament the whole time, because she thought it was “chrome.” And Chooch thought it was “crumb.” It’s a good thing we had Janna with us. Even though she has a million college degrees and couldn’t open Gravely Macabre’s puzzle box so we didn’t win the game. Thanks a lot, Janna!

We learn lots at Castle Blood!

Professor Scrye, silently judging my mortal inadequacies.

After her maiden voyage through the Castle, Kara was inspired to come back with her kids, Harland and Theo, and husband Chris for the no-scare matinee that Castle Blood offers on select Sunday afternoons. We met them out there with Chooch’s two friends, Olivia and Sophia. Harland and Olivia were a little leery of entering the Castle, but they keep the lights on for the matinees, there are no jump scares, and the denizens pass out candy! And the kids still get to go on the quest, so they still get a taste of the true spirit of the haunt.

Before we went in, I told Chooch to let the other kids do all of the volunteering parts, since he was just there and also, HE ALWAYS HOGS THE ATTENTION. He said he was cool with that, but I could tell it was absolutely killing him to not shoot his arm into the air and cry, “Oooh, oooh! Pick me!” and I could see him twisting and contorting his lips as he struggled not to blurt out the answers to questions.

I can only imagine how annoying he must be in school.

The matinee is the perfect stepping stone into the haunted house scene. We started taking Chooch when he was 2 and it wasn’t much longer after that when he said he felt ready to go to the real thing. Plus, it’s a way cooler alternative to the obligatory pumpkin patch field trip.

The kids took the quest very seriously (and Kara’s other son, Theo, took the job of choosing candy very seriously!). It’s impressive how well the cast is able to bait and hook the attention of the younger set. (And mine too, for that matter.)

Gravely with one of the few mortals he can tolerate.

Henry has since replaced me with this younger broad with no gray hairs.

Afterward, Sophia mentioned that she wants to go back at night, and Kara told me a few days later that Harland drew a maze with a bone, stone, and crone in it—the next generation of Castle Blood fans!

***

If you’re local to the Western PA area and want a unique Halloween experience, I highly recommend it. Additional info can be found on their website. And if you don’t have time to get there this Halloween season, they usually do Christmas and Valentine tours too, so keep your eye on their website or like them on Facebook. Tell them Chooch sent ya!

Henry and I went to Chooch’s open house last week (yes, we went on the right night this time!) and we learned some cool shit about our crazy kid! I always brace myself at these things because I know he can be a mouthy little brat at times and he certainly isn’t perfect, so there is always that chance that we’re going to get an earful (that’s how it was in catholic school, lol). We went to see his reading teacher first; she was in the middle of speaking with another parent, so Henry and I used that time to wander around the room, looking at the student work on display, and basically looking like creeps.

“Ooh, that was always my favorite when I was a kid!” I whispered to Henry, pointing to a sign on the wall that said Hyperbole. I’ve clearly outgrown that literary device, though.

(I had to explain to Henry what it meant, because he was in remedial English classes.)

When it was our turn, the reading teacher enthusiastically told us that Chooch is basically just winning at life, OK?  Guys, I’m not saying that I thought my kid was learning-disabled or anything, but I guess I just didn’t realize exactly how well he was doing beyond the whole grading scale. The terms “gifted” and “creative” were thrown out more than once! She just kept casually kept saying, “Well, you know, because he’s so gifted, he gets bored easily…” and I was like “SAY IT AGAIN. THE G-WORD. SAY THAT AGAIN.” He’s reading on an adult level—second highest score in the class, and hilariously the only person beating him, by a margin, is this girl who is his ultimate nemesis so he is super annoyed now.

My little nerd.

However, my favorite part was when she started talking about his writing. She said that his writing skills have her completely impressed and that now, when he hands in mediocre assignments, she’ll say to him, “This is what I expect from everyone else in the class, but I expect more from you” and he takes it back and rewrites it and then stands there and makes her read it while he’s watching, all smug-like. Henry was just like, “Oh Jesus Christ, that sounds familiar…” BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DO TO HENRY! Hearing all of this made me so proud! I really do try to get him interested in all kinds of different things without being too pageant-mom’ish and pressuring him. But he really has seemed to be enjoying writing lately, which is why I try to gently coax him into guest-blogging on here every now and then. I see so much potential in him and I don’t want him to waste it. I wish my mom would have been more supportive, not that I can get away with eking through life while blaming my wasted potential on her. I mean, I COULD, but I try not to! I’m just as much to blame for the fact that I never tried harder to make something of myself; I was the co-star of that story, after all.

The reading teacher also told us that Chooch has a really hard time keeping his mouth shut and that when she told him she was going to tell us that, he was like, “You won’t tell them anything they don’t already know.” Apparently, he is the only kid that got an assigned seat—in front of a teacher—in their free period after breakfast and before homeroom, so yeah, that sounds about right. But she said he isn’t being disrespectful or bullying, it’s just his silliness that gets him busted. As long as he’s not being a dick to anyone, I’m OK with this.

After that ego-boost, we went to Chooch’s homeroom, where his main teacher walked over to introduce herself and literally, I’m not joking, screamed and clapped when I told her I was Chooch’s mom. Henry and I were like, “Whaaaaat is happening right now.” She told us about how much Chooch makes her laugh and how well he’s doing academically and asked us, “What do you want to you want to talk to me for? You have nothing to worry about it!” She had to go and talk to the other parents who were there before us, and Henry was like, “OK, she said we don’t have anything to worry about, so let’s just go.”

“No way! I want to hear her tell us more good things about him,” I laughed.

I really hope he stays on this track and doesn’t end up losing his way like I did. I didn’t just walk off the track—I sprinted, tripped, and plunged head-first into a pile of dead end-jobs and empty bank accounts. Broke my neck and pride somewhere along the well. But unlike my own family, I don’t imagine that Henry and I would let that happen to Chooch without a fight.

I felt so good after hearing all that stuff about my kid, because sometimes I feel like we don’t do enough for him. it made me really appreciate all of the awesome friends I have, because they have really filled the void left by my estranged family, because that affects Chooch, too. All of my friends, whether they’ve been around since he was a baby or only just in recent years, have been so good to him and have always encouraged him to be himself, no matter how weird, different, or outrageous that may be; I know that this has helped contribute to the awesome human he has grown into. Most of his friends since birth have been grown-ups—this is why any time I make a new friend, he steals them from me!

All of this, and he has excellent taste in music? I’m finally doing something right in my life.

***

“I know this is hard to believe,” I said the next day at work while not-so-humble bragging about my kid to anyone who would listen, “but I was actually tested for the gifted program when I was in elementary school, too. Except that my mom decided to keep me out of it because she didn’t want me to grow up to be ‘weird’.”

“Yeah, that worked out well,” Glenn mumbled.

October’s got me like whoa. It’s my favorite month in the whole entire history of the calendar, but goddamn is it tiring. Here are some things that happened over the past week or so that I don’t want to forget, bullet-style. I’m feeling relatively uninspired, so consider these Nerf bullets. (Soft) Bang (soft) bang.

• Henry was telling me about some Snopes-style show he was watching where TOMS was featured and it talked about how the whole “one for one” thing isn’t really helping anyone in Africa, etc. The way he was telling me this, it was almost as if he expected me to fling my TOMS into a vat of acid, but instead I just shrugged and said, “So? That wasn’t ever why I started wearing TOMS.” Henry stood there with this look on his face like he knew what I was about to say was going to be full of vanity and shallowness. “I started wearing them because Craig Owens was wearing them.” And then Henry got the “there it is!” look of mild disappointment on his dumb face.
  • Although sometimes I kind of care about people! Like last week, I was wandering around on my break when I saw some older man in a wheelchair struggling to get through the door of a McDonald’s. Do you know how many people I witnessed walk right past him like he was invisible? Something like A LOT. And you know, just because this guy is in a wheelchair doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not a shitty person like the rest of us, but I couldn’t just walk by like this scene wasn’t playing out to my right. So I stopped and opened the door for him, and then when I realized that there was another set of doors inside, I followed him into the vestibule and opened those ones too. And the saddest part was that he was shocked that I did this. Especially when he realized that I had walked in there just to open the door for him. I’m not saying I love people and want to run outside and start hugging people (I work downtown; there are lots of gross people out there) but it would be nice if people would stop walking around with their noses in their phones and maybe pay attention when someone could use a hand. And that has been today’s Soapbox Story.
• Random photo of Chooch in his zombie obsession days, Lancaster PA circa 2010:

• You guys, LOLForever, Henry finally went out on his first Lyft shift on Saturday! As he was smoothing out his grizzled locks before leaving the house, I told him that he should put on Emarosa and then every time a new passenger gets in the car, he could say, “Oh that’s just Emarosa you’re hearing right now, no big deal” and then he could tell them about Bradley and Jonny. Henry snapped, “Why don’t YOU just be a Lyft driver then?” But you know what he did like? My suggestion of having a plastic trick or treat pumpkin filled with candy for his passengers! I could tell that it pained him to admit that it was a good idea.
  • He has been complaining about his one customer who he took to the airport and even HANDLED HER LUGGAGE (is that legal!? Henry shouldn’t be trusted with that), and then she didn’t even tip him.
  • On Sunday, he went out during morning prime time and wound up taking a bunch of people to the dumb stadium for the dumb FOOTBALL game, and naturally some of them were already drunk at 9am. When he came home that day, he said, “It went OK. I had a lot of cancellations, though. They were all girls, so I guess—-” and I cut in to finish “—they saw your creepy picture and got freaked?” Henry sighed and said, “Pretty much.”
    • Some of his passengers have been chatty with him so I asked him what he tells them of himself. “Nothing much, really,” he mumbled, in true Henry fashion. “Do you tell them that you have a cool girlfriend who does lots of thing and likes Emarosa?” I cried. He gave me that smirk that I hate so much, so I guess that’s a no. What a shocker. He never tells people about me! Because he’s embarrassed, that’s why.
• If you read Chooch’s guest post, you know that on Saturday we went to a haunted house about an hour away in Ohio. It was called Dark View and this was the first time we went because Henry, Mr. Haunted Houses R Dumb, brought home a flyer for it one day when he had deliver FAYGO for work. I approved of this haunt for a myriad of reasons, but my favorite part was that THE ACTORS ARE ALLOWED TO TOUCH YOU. If you know me at all, you know that I am a WHORE for creepy haunted house actors and I welcome every last spooky touch of my hair and gentle ankle grabs. The best part was when a bloody butcher singled me out (granted his only options were me and a miserable looking broad) and called me a pretty little things and then shouted mildly offensive innuendos at me as I ran away. “I love it when they me I’m pretty,” I whispered to Henry once he caught up to me. “Yeah, I know you do,” he sighed. Daddy issues all day long.
  • It was after 10 by the time we got out of there and we were all hungry but with Chooch and me, our hunger is something that needs addressed ASAP. Of course, we were unfamiliar with the area, Yelp is a piece of shit that only succeeds in causing the shackles on my temper to break, and most of the restaurants we passed were already closed. Henry and I started to fight (OK, I started to fight) and Chooch was just like, “Great, here we go again” because this is basically the only time we fight: when we’re in the car and I’m hungry. So Henry barked LET’S JUST GO TO TACO BELL AND BE DONE WITH IT. That was fine by us, even though I wanted a GRILLED CHEESE, but whatever. Taco Bell is good for me (I mean, not health-wise, of course) because it’s basically the only fast food place with a menu that’s easily modified to be vegetarian. However, I didn’t feel like having Henry try to give explicit instructions to whatever kid was working the drive thru, so I just went for the 7-layer burrito, which is naturally vegetarian. Before we left, we noticed that there was stuff missing from our order, so Henry reluctantly parked and went inside to reason with the Taco Bell idiots. While he was inside, I took a bite of my burrito and immediately recoiled. Something was wrong, but I couldn’t place it. I took another bite, tentatively this time, and my heart sank: THEY GAVE ME A BEEF BURRITO. It was too late to spit it out and I never made a good bulimic, so I sat there for a second and accepted the fact that I’m a FAILURE TO PETA, MORRISSEY, AND ANIMALS WORLDWIDE. Once I calmed down (yeah right, I’m still not calm), I removed the key from the ignition, told Chooch to wait there (TERRIBLE PARENT ALERT but at least I told him to unlock the door for anyone) and stormed into Taco Bell. (I used the door, there are no Erin-shaped holes in any of the walls of this particular establishments.) Henry looked up in surprise, which then morphed to fear once he saw my face. I pushed past him to get to the counter. “I ORDERED A 7-LAYER BURRITO AND THIS IS NOT A 7-LATER BURRITO” I chirped to the girl on the other side, shaking the tainted burrito in the air. “Oh no….that’s definitely not….” the girl murmured. I let the burrito forcefully drop onto the counter. “AND I’M A VEGETARIAN!!” my chirpiness was pretty high-pitched by then. The girl started to back into the “kitchen” to hopefully FLOG WHATEVER PRICK DID THIS TO ME, and I turned to Henry and squealed hysterically, “AND I TOOK A BITE OF IT!” Henry gave me the “Calm down” look which only ever makes me less calm, and then I stormed back out to the car where I found my child in the backseat where I left him, eating his tacos and looking decidedly un-kidnapped. Henry came back and gave me my real 7-layer burrito, which I was going to hurl against the Taco Bell window and then use my finger to write DIE, VEGETARIAN HATERS into the coagulating mass of beans and rice, but fuck it. I was hungry.
  • Speaking of the haunted house, when we were in line, Chooch randomly acted out how he thinks Henry would react to being scared and maybe I was just punchy from the dumb car ride there—through INDUSTRIAL AREAS AND NEXT TO A RIVER AND OVER BRIDGES, god why not throw up some billboards for Alaska while you’re at it, Ohio—but it was making  me crack the fuck up, imagining Henry doing this idiot kawaii thing. I made Chooch reenact it tonight so I could Instavid it, but like most reenactments, a lot of the initial moxie got lost:

• The below pictures are poor quality, but I don’t care because today is school picture day for Chooch and I have been holding onto this Choonimals shirt since I bought it at Riot Fest, because this kid is known to beat the shit out of his clothes and I didn’t want him to ruin it before picture day. Because I knew the moment I bought it that this would be his picture day shirt because I feel like it’s a pretty good reflection of him. We also touched up his hair last night too because he said he wanted to. I figured he would have been over the color by now!
• 
• Man, I had a dream/nightmare last week where I was at my mom’s house and she had these two old broads weeding in her front yard and then Gayle was there and the ladies for no reason started telling Gayle all of this shit about my mom, like really nasty and mean-spirited things, and I came flying out of the laundry room door screaming at them  to shut their ugly faces and I swear I woke up feeling like I could murder a bitch. I might not have a relationship with my mom anymore, or any contact with her whatsoever, but do not talk shit on her because things will get ugly.
  • DEEP BREATH
• Purposely fell asleep with AMC’s Halloween marathon playing in the background last night and woke up feeling right as (arterial) rain.
  • Anyone who doesn’t think Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers is Paul Rudd’s best role ever can go fuck themselves because it is.
• Future Gilmore Girls, AMIRITE?!?! I could do without Melissa McCarthy though. (Don’t hate.)
• We bought a black wig for Chooch’s Halloween costume and he gushed, “It’s like a big glob of Ju-On hair!” He is forever obsessed with that movie. I bet all of his Asian horror references are so wasted at school.
• I’m off on Thursday for no reason at all and I plan on trying to paint all day, but let’s be real, I’m probably just going to watch music videos on YouTube and call Henry to bitch about the messy house all day.

OK, let’s wrap this bitch up. I’m tired and getting rambly.

LOL @ “getting.”

Demon House  

Ok! Hello. Well we went to Demon house on Friday and we went with Janna. But half way there God forbid Janna had to take a SH**! Ok so when we got there It was kind of chilly. But there was a fire pit! We had a group but I wanted a group so we got one! In the group was a dad a mom and a daughter, Hanna. Ugh, Mommy says I have a crush on her.  She cried through most of it and she had makeup on so you could see the mascara ink run down her face. So there was a “Really Dark Maze” That wasn’t a maze at all because it was just a zigzag tunnel. So Janna led us and we had to follow but it was ok because Janna’s not scared of anything.

So half way in the Dining room there was a blanket covering everything. So I had a feeling a ghost was going to come out. But the dad tried to look for a way out and the ghost followed cause’ it didn’t want us to leave. So then the ghost got tired of being with us so it showed us the way out. Through a bookcase. So then we were in a Carnival part and the Carnival Ringmaster came out and made me, Me, ME! Throw a ball threw a hole. I made it touch the hole but the ball was to big for the hole. So then we had to go through a CLOWN part. God Forbid Clowns! K, then on the way to the parking lot we had to take a shuttle and ride to it. Me and mommy sat down and then this smoker girl and guy who wanted to kill himself because he thought she was so freaking annoying sat across from us. But then we realized they were on a date, TO A HAUNTED HOUSE! WTF? They could go anywhere and they picked a haunted house? Wow! On the way off of the shuttle, the lady said “YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LADY.”  Me and mommy laughed.

The Shadows

K hope you read the Demon House part because it was funnay!!!! So the next day on Saturday (the day before the PIE PARTAY!) Daddy was baking so he couldn’t drive so mommy had to drive, and you know how bad she is at finding things with the GPS. But that’s not the thing. Me and mommy got lost because… Oh wait let me tell you where we went, lol! We went to The Shadows. The GPS took us somewhere completely different. It took us in the middle of the road and said you’re here! Ugh so annoying. So then after about 10 minutes of looking we finally found it! I thought we would get lost forever because the GPS died. ); . So then we saw a fake dead cat and it got so famous. People were taking pictures and touching it.

In line me and mommy were talking about Ju-on (AKA The Grudge) and the stars and how they were formed into illuminati. But yeah um. Oh when we were walking in the trail we saw a girl. Well I saw a girl standing at the end and mommy was too busy looking at a tree. Lol! Oh probably because there was a guy standing there but everyone knows the kids are scarier. So then the tree monster came out and spooked mommy. Then at the end we caught up to the group in front of us and the chainsaw guy came after them and not us but mommy still got spooked when he said “Hey what are you doing!?!?”

I liked it.

Dark View

Yesterday on Saturday we went to Dark view in Ohio. But the best part happened before we got there when the GPS told us to go through an industrial area which mommy almost puked because she hates industrial areas. But when we got there it was freezing cold and the parking guy dude asked us if we had any alcohol, marijuana, weapons, or any sort of drug. I had a paper gun and I said “What if he thought it was real?” Then when we parked I asked mommy “Can I have my marijuana yet?” Lol! Then we saw this devil guy with beaver or squirrel shoulder pads and a cane. Mommy wanted me to get a picture with him. So I did. Then in the line there were two parts and we didn’t know which part we needed to do. So then we picked the smaller one. Then a lady came and asked “How was it?”. We said “We didn’t do it yet.” So then she told us to go do the bigger one first.

So we did and in the line for that I said if daddy got scared he could do Kawaii! But he wouldn’t get scared because he’s “THE MAN!” . When we got inside the actual haunted house part daddy almost peed his pants because he got spooked of the talking portrait that was yelling at the old lady who brought us in the house. I don’t really remember what he said but I do know he said something about taking his house. After that part we went into a library I think and the librarian was screaming and I was this close = to  saying no screaming in the library. Then we got to a graveyard part and some camouflage guy got up from the ground and spooked mommy. The part after that was a garage and the guy in there was trying to build a birdhouse so then he asked who here knows how to build a birdhouse I pointed at daddy. He asked him how many can you make in an hour. Daddy said 2. I said you can make way more than 2.

Then we got into a bathroom and the girl in there said mommy wasn’t potty trained yet and some other dude needed to take a bath because she didn’t want him stinking up the house. Then she made us smell some weird smelly thing. Nobody liked the smell but me. ):  The we ran into a doll room and the bathroom girl was trapped inside the wall. The dolls didn’t do anything. After that we went into a dining room with food on the table. The girl there said whos hungry well I was was so I said I was. But she didn’t feed me anything. );  Then her husband “chainsaw dude” chased us out of the house. I didn’t run. Mommy pushed me into the wall. Then in the “small house” we got in and it was like fisherman and hunter room. I had a feeling daddy wanted to go fishing after the haunted house.

Then we had to get our picture and  I looked creepy as hell. Then he said he wanted to shoot one of us and we he did the lights turned off and a really loud speaker with a shotgun sound went off. But then it was just a butcher that wanted to butcher someone so me and daddy pushed mommy into him.  But he ended up not butchering her. Then it was just a sort of outside thing with another camouflage guy a guy going to hang himself and he tied the rope around his neck and it magically untied. Then it was just some more outside and then a maze. The maze had a chainsaw guy and me and mommy lost daddy. BUT THEN ANOTHER CAMOUFLAGE GUY WAS THERE. Daddy went a whole different way then us because the chainsaw guy was blocking him so he didn’t want go with us. Then we froze to death. I loved it and it was worth driving that far even though we had to go through the freaking black forest in Ohio.

Pie Eaters:

• Chris and Monica
• Angie and Sammy ;)
• Kelly, Zac, and Judy
• Steph and Kian
• Sam + one of her friends and her dad
• Kara, Harland, and Theo
• Robbie & Nikki
• Elizabeth and Rachel
• Patty and Tim
• Jackie and Tim
• John, Jennifer, Hailey, Abby and Gavin
• Gayle, Lily, and Faithann
• Maggie, Ivan, Annabelle and Lila
• Amber and Brian
• Erin and Brian
• Amber and Teddy ;)
• Meggan, Olivia, and Sophia
• Alex, Kelly, and Finn
• Elaina, Lena and Evey
• Alisa-and-Cara-4ever
• Rob and Nancy
• Sandy, Ben, Elena, and Zoe
• Janna
• Shawn, Jess, and Anais
• Sean
• Wendy, Shawn and Summer ;)
• Lisa, Matt, and Gigi

OK, trying to not be too cheesy (quichey if we’re keeping with a pie theme?) here, but maybe my favorite thing about the pie party MIGHT be the people. I know, it’s crazy to think about. There are actually some people I like! The entire afternoon was like a perfect pie filled with all the various berries in my life: work berries, childhood berries, Internet berries, family berries…this is like a rejected inspirational poster. I need to watch Faces of Death a few times and then come back and finish writing this because I’m clearly losing my identity.

My  favorite thing to do is take pictures at my parties when people aren’t prepared because I love the somber faces juxtaposed with background festivities.

In this picture, I like to imagine that Gayle’s granddaughter is including “I dunno, some strange party for pies?” in a Snapchat story.

(I still don’t like Snapchat.)

My favorite part of the pie party, and this made Henry roll his eyes and groan, was when Tim came over and asked me how Riot Fest was. I must have lit up like a red light district in Amsterdam because no one ever wants me to talk about Riot Fest, let alone broaches the subject on their own! THANK YOU, TIM.

Sigh. Riot Fest.

I miss you.

I just reunited with Angie a week ago, and I was so stoked that she arrived near the beginning of the party and stay for most of the afternoon! And her dog Sammy was freaking adorable. Chooch “won” him in a bet but Sammy was like, “Nope, I go nowhere with the pink-haired kid.” Smart dog! And in the background of the picture, you can see Nikki and Robbie, Judy, and then at the next table, Rob and Nancy. I have known Rob on the Internet for at least nine years, back in the LiveJournal days. We’ve definitely gotten to know each other better through Facebook though, and I was happy that he and his wife finally made it to a pie party! They brought an apple pie pizza, and you know how I love unconventional and creative pies!

Alisa announced their arrival by slapping my ass when I was fluffing the pie table (looks matter to me, OK? I’m just naturally a very vain person); it scared the fuck out of me and I experienced a split second of anger because I couldn’t imagine who…but then it was just Cara and Alisa and I felt relieved. I don’t see these two broads nearly enough and every time there’s a party happening so I can’t talk to them as much as I would like, which is why we’re going to go out soon, RIGHT GUYS?

Also, if you’re ever in the market for a tutu or other kid accessories, you might want to check out Alisa’s Totally2TooCute Facebook page!

Here we have Gayle demonstrating how everyone looks at me at work. (Except BARB – she only ever looked at me with dire reverence, adoration, and awe.)

(Except for one time when she was in a mean mood and got snippy with me when I said I didn’t want to be in charge of the fall food fest we were having that month at work and her biting words made me cry so I went into Wendy’s office and said, “Why is Barb being such a BITCH today!?” and then Barb found out she upset me and began repenting, much like Gayle when she forgot my last birthday.)

I hate it when Henry to talks to people and I don’t know what’s being said!

Tim and Jackie looking adorable with Bambi Sickafoose. This was my first time meeting Tim and he has some strong Henry-esque qualities, one being that he was able to endure a table full of girls talking about boys and dating, while still quietly enjoying his pie.

When Wendy arrived, every person from The Law Firm dropped their forks and engulfed her because BABY SUMMER > pie.

In a shocking twist, Henry wore a shirt in a color not invented by a 2-year-old mixing together all the paints in a $5 watercolor palette. Also, I know for a fact that in this picture, Henry was talking to Sandy and Alex about the Pittsburgh Blogger Cookie Exchange they both roped me into joining by pointing out that it’s not like I’m going to be baking any of the cookies anyway, and I was like, “Good point guys, sure, I’ll join!” and then my next conversation was with Henry, letting him know that he will need to make 6 dozen cookies at some point in December.

6 dozen totally doesn’t seem like a lot.

“Yeah, but you’re going to pick some ridiculous cookie that costs a fortune to make, I know it,” Henry grumbled. This is probably very likely to happen. Stay tuned, I guess?

Monica thinks she ruined this picture of Chris and Amber²‘s baby Teddy, but I think she adds a certain je ne sais quoi to it.

Kara, Elizabeth, and Sandy’s backs are all in this photo and I’m angry with myself because there is not one picture of their faces from that day. I’m not as good as shoving my camera in people’s grills as I used to be.

SEAN CAME TO THE PIE PARTY! I haven’t seen him in a hot minute, and all the Law Firm people were stoked on his appearance.  Here he is posing with Amber¹ and her boyfriend Brian who I just met for the first time and already like him a lot because Amber taught him how to gush over me and we all know those are the kind of people I like best. FAN ME WITH YOUR INVISIBLE PALMS, PEOPLE.

This is the scene where Angie uses Connect Four to teach my nine-year-old how to gamble.

I love everything about this picture, but mostly that the FAMOUS CHERRY PIE is nearly devoured in the forefront. That pie.

That goddamn pie.

…………………….

Anyway. Now that I’ve changed into a dry shirt, the girl all the way to the right in the photo arrived earlier in the day with her dad and I was thinking to myself, “OMG some random people FINALLY took my Instagram and Twitter invitations seriously and showed up! This is fucking fantastic! The pie party is famous! I hope they don’t have chainsaws behind their backs!”

But no, it was just a friend of Henry’s niece Sam, who wasn’t there yet.  Her dad was extremely friendly and started asking me all of these questions about the pie party.

“So, is this for a fundraiser?”

“No…”

“Are you selling the pies?”

“No…” (BUT MAYBE!? I could use some extra concert ticket cash….)

“So…it’s just for people to eat pie?”

“…yes?”

“Oh wow, that is an excellent idea!”

He was literally DELIGHTED about this. It was pretty adorable. I told him he was welcome to grab a plate, but he said he was going to come back. That’s what they all say. And actually, they usually do now that I think about it. I had a Cure party once, I think it was in 2000, when the Cure was nominated for a Grammy (they lost, because fuck the Grammy’s) and I invited some guy who was walking past my house. He said he had to go and buy cigarettes but that he would come back.

AND HE DID.

I have no idea what his name even was, but I have a picture of him in one of my photo albums. So, it happened.

Anyway, much like Cigarette Boy, Sam’s Friend’s Dad came back later, with a pumpkin pie! Holy shit, pie is like the best social device ever.

Henry never sword fights this gently with me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Wendy’s pink shoes.

Wendy and Teddy and Leopold. If you don’t know who Leopold is, then just go away. Go. I don’t want to know you.

Robbie and Nikki, baker of the truly amaze blackberry cream cheese jalapeno baby pies. Also, super cute couple! They came to visit us a few weeks ago and while we sat around drinking fancy beer that I could kind of swallow without too much of a grimace, I realized that in some ways, their relationship has the dynamics of a young Henry and Erin. The good dynamics though, don’t worry. Otherwise, what an insult!

Look at this adorable family! I’m so glad that Matt and Lisa managed to swing by toward the end of the day, because it was Gigi’s birthday and we all sang happy birthday to her! (Well, technically I lip-synced because I hate singing Happy Birthday.)

It always makes me so happy to see so many of my favorite people from different areas of my life colliding under the pretense of pie. I know so many of my friends have really busy lives, and the fact that they make an effort to stop by for these things doesn’t go unnoticed by me. For instance, I had no idea that my good old friend Shawn (a/k/a Wonka) was planning on making the treacherous trek to the Vortex in the South, otherwise known as South Park.  He brought his girlfriend Jess and his daughter Anais, who was wearing the cutest cat sweatshirt ever and I want one in my dumb size.

Also, Chooch has been hanging out a lot recently with these twins he’s known since first grade. They come to all of his birthday parties, but then over the summer, their mom started contacting me to set up play dates, and you guys, after being a parent for nine years, this is the first time I have ever associated with a school mom! I mean, in a positive manner, that is. (Catholic School clusterfuck, never forget.) I have been very tentative about this because I am so afraid of other moms not liking me and then not wanting their kids to hang out with Chooch. (I’m not kidding, the shit that went down at that Catholic school gave me a real tight complex.) But, I invited Meggan and the girls to the pie party and they came and I was happy to get to talk a little bit with her!

This was a pretty huge deal for me. I even told her that she was the first mom I became friends with on Facebook and she was pretty surprised.

I think I’m getting better at this parenting thing.

Nine years in.

The Budding Bromance. I was so happy that Wendy brought her husband Shawn with her because Henry needs friends. Shawn is really good at building things and I kind of want them to start a We Can Make Shit For You business together but then when would Henry have time to make the shit that I want him to make?

So, just forget it.

I kept trying to snag a photo of them together, but Henry’s not (always) stupid and foiled my mission every time.

Jess and Angie, a new friendship forged while eating pie! If that’s not heartwarming then you truly are a sociopath.

But you can still come to the next pie party! I don’t discriminate.

Monica always wears the most apropos t-shirts. Also, one of my favorite moments was when Chooch screamed, “Chris! Monica tried to stab me with a knife!” Those two are the poster children for Frenemies, so much so that when Chooch found out he’s invited to Chris and Monica’s wedding, he mumbled, “Does Monica know? I’m surprised she let that happen.”

I think they should do a comedy together. Something like Curly Sue. I could see them joining forces and being shrewd scam artists, with lots of hilarious bickering in between. And probably someone dies at the end.

And what’s a pie party without missing children? Some kids are just too good at hide and seek. Don’t worry, everyone was found at the end of the day.

I don’t think a single one of us managed to avoid falling into a deep pie coma that day.

WHO’S EXCITED FOR THE NEXT ONE?!