We had a Halloween party at work on Friday and for the first time in my six years there, I helped plan it/set up/etc. and I’m here to tell you that JESUS IT’S A LOT OF WORK! Props to Sue (and Barb, Cheryl and Deb S. who used to take care of this back in the day). Luckily, Sue is like a master decorator and she did most of the work Thursday night. My only contributed was taping up cobwebs (and basically unraveling the beauty of Sue’s immaculate Halloween table coverings) and plopping down my nameless Fiji mermaid for a centerpiece. (Which Sue promptly turned into something more eye-popping and elegant by adding a pedestal to it. SUE IS SO GOOD. She should have her own party planning company.)

(MAYBE SHE ALREADY DOES!?)

In an effort to get more people  to participate, Carrie and I decided that we needed to add the element of competition so we promised a prize for whoever brought the most Halloweenish snack.

Nate and Lauren brought in Starbucks for everyone, which Nate cleverly renamed Cthulhu Coffee and that’s how Nate and I learned that we might be the only people there who know who Cthulhu is, and it didn’t even help when I said things like, “You know….Lovecraft?” to help coax people into recognition. So this was educational, as well! I love when fun things have an educational twist!

In lieu of having Henry bake something, my contribution was making a Halloween playlist on Spotify, which Gayle had to listen to all day long since her desk is in the hallway where all the food was set up, and also procuring a shit-ton of candy so that my co-workers could go trick-or-treating. I set up plastic pumpkins filled with candy that corresponded to all of the work areas I decorated over the last two weeks. So like, Mitch’s pumpkin had snack-sized boxes of pretzel sticks to go with the Blair Witch twigs hanging from his door; Carrie had cherry Kool-Aid squeezits to go with the blood-theme of her Carrie desk; Lori had pumpkin-shaped and pumpkin-flavored candy to go along with her Halloween theme; Catherine had candy corn for Children of the Corn; Lou had a beautiful Asian assortment that related to Ju-On; Todd had the gummy body parts of Sweeney Todd’s victims; and Glenn had ghost-shaped things for Poltergeist:

Glenn clearly wasn’t happy that his desk was a trick-or-treating station. I went with veggie chips for him because that seemed like something a crotchety old man would hand out to kids just to make them sad.

Sadly, most people weren’t as stoked to go trick-or-treating as I had hoped, and I was having to beg people to just do it because I had to go like four different stores to get this shit!

Henry wasn’t very happy about it, shocker.

Shout out to Lou and Aaron for helping me by providing extra candy and the treat bags used for trick-or-treating!

Not only did Sue let us wear costumes on Friday, she even wanted to have a Halloween backdrop so that people could have their pictures taken, like a makeshift photobooth. I was on board with this until Sue brought over streamers to my desk and I realized that she wanted me to make the backdrop and have you seen me handle streamers? It’s not pretty.

Luckily, Amber1 agreed to help me!

“I was in a sorority, I’m really good with streamers,” she said, and I felt very confident that I chose correctly.

We took our supplies into the conference room and thank god Amber did most of the work because I was like, “WHERE DO WE START WHAT SHOULD WE DO HOW DO WE DO THIS OMG HELP.”

After we got all of the streamers cut down to size, it was time to staple them to the thingie that we were using to hang them on. Amber was holding down the top of a streamer, and as I was moving in with the stapler, she panicked and said, “You have the sweetest face, but I just don’t trust you with a stapler so close to my fingers.” And that’s how I got out of streamer duty and Amber basically did the whole thing for me!

Amber and Erin, Streamer Specialists. I did a major cop-out and just brought part of an old costume from when I was Fatal Attraction a few years ago for one of the Trundle Manor Halloween parties. Shout out to Carrie for knowing who I was immediately!

Glenn and Chris exchanged very concerned looks when they saw me pull the pot and bunny out of my purse Friday morning.

“What?” I asked, forgetting that this isn’t a normal work accoutremant.

I don’t know how we got any work done, to be honest.

I

Amber2, f/k/a Mean Amber, as Fay Wray. This costume is so great!

Sandy had a whole Starbucks of Horror theme going on at her office. She’s the best!

By the end of the day, everyone was in sugar shock. We had to vote for best Halloween treat, and Sue decided there would be two winners. She made really adorable baskets with Halloween wine glasses, a bottle of wine, and a bag of Pittsburgh Popcorn. I grudgingly voted for Colleen who made the cutest mummy pepperoni rolls, which I couldn’t even EAT because I’m a vegetarian. She apologized to me for that and I said, “That’s OK….but I’ll never forget it. You’re basically the New Glenn.”

She laughed but I think she was scared.

SHE SHOULD BE.

Colleen was one of the winners, as expected. I figured most people would vote for her because her mummy rolls were so cute (and apparently tasted good, too, ugh). But surprisingly, the second winner was ME.

I was so confused. I didn’t bring anything in!

“You won for your trick-or-treating candy,” Shannon said, looking like a deer-in-highlights because, as part of the party committee, I wanted to know who won before she sent the email out, and she clearly wasn’t prepared for me to standing inches away from her, demanding to know. “Now you ruined the surprise for yourself!”

After she sent out the email, Wendy immediately emailed me and all it said was “RIGGED!!!!!!” Ha! She’s probably not wrong! I swear I wasn’t even soliciting votes because I didn’t even think I was eligible!

“Seriously, did you have something to do with this?” I asked Carrie. And she said that while she did vote for me, she swore that she didn’t discuss any poll riggings with Sue.

It was such a great feeling! All I ever want to do there is make my work friends happy, maybe get them to have a little fun every now and then, and to be recognized for that was so overwhelming. I love Halloween, and I love my work friends! What a fun day. <3

So this one was strange… We thought “Oh… This will be just some ordinary haunted house like every other one.” But this one differed from the rest, you ready? Okay I don’t care if you’re not ready or not. Okay so you are ready? Good! Well we had to wait IN LIKE 5 DIFFERENT LINES. But guess what it wasn’t really worth it (it kind of was) because it was super short but it was also really cool. So if i hadn’t mentioned we went with Haley and Blake. Fun Fact: Haley scared of clowns. Okay so the lines were the worst but when we finally got in to the freaking haunted house there was these guy who is very creepy because he is very happy. So apparently he was supposed to be a teacher and he was telling us about what is happening so the first part we entered was a classroom of course and there was a lady who was creaming and saying “Who took my chalk?” and “Did you take my chalk?” Then when we confessed and all said “No.” and then left, some “Student” screamed at the top of her lungs and I passed out. (lie)

Then there was a clown room and Haley told me not to do anything like say she’s afraid of clowns. And  I said I wasn’t, and I didn’t. Then there was a gorilla that scared us and Haley said “AHHHH Harambe!” (Pronounced – Hair- Om- Bay) Hint: She said it wrong. And I mocked her. So those were all of the Important parts of Crawford Haunted School!

Comment “Vote L34RN” in the comments if you liked this one!

Shadows Haunted Trail:

So there were no pictures for this one so just IMAGINE! So daddy was too scared to come with us so it was just me and mommy going. We didn’t wait long we went in basically right away because there was no line. So there was like an empty spot for like a 1/4 of a mile, so the first one was some like graveyard thingy and the scare people were like really young, like 20 something, and they were nice they said “Boo, So was there a long line? No well it’s not a very crowded day. Oh, Close the door please. Thanks!” so then there was this empty space yet again. The next part was creepy there was “one” girl” in the middle of strobe lights so she disappeared every second, then in the darkness of the strobe appeared another girl from behind her and they said “Chase me!” so we did and they jump-scared us (mommy keeps saying I had a crush on them, I DIDN’T) they were like 12 or 13 I think, maybe 15. Then we caught up to them and they were standing around a fire and then we tried to leave but they blocked us and said “Where are you going?” and i tried to run and they screamed at the top of their lungs.

The next part made mommy scream so loud that it scared the guy who scared us. He said “You made my heart race, you scared me!”  The next part was some Jason part and when we got we ran because we thought Jason was going to scare us but no. No Jason to be found. Then there was this guy who followed us and said “I don’t leave food behind, kinda like how you wouldn’t leave Chicken McNuggets behind at McDonalds. Then he said I don’t eat children I eat about 22-ish people like you. And he looked at Mommy. She said “Awwww thank you! I’m actually 37.” and he said “I try to be as politically correct as possible.

So that was the Shadows Haunted Trail.

Comment “Vote W00D5” if you liked this one!

As Henry is over here in fullblown He’s Crafty mode, preparing for this year’s Halloween disaster, and I’m SICK thanks to my dumb kid, I figured I would post a Halloween costume retrospective because isn’t that what the true, professional bloggers do? Recycle content?

2006: Ice Cream Cone. God, those were the days. (Here’s a reprisal of that costume. At least I got my money’s worth.)

2007: Hobo? I guess this was a hobo. This costume cost nothing except for the black makeup stick we bought at the Halloween store.

2008: Frankenstein. Why am I having a hard time remembering this costume? (I do remember that the makeup job sucks because I was still at work when trick-or-treating was starting so dum-dum Henry had to apply it. Good job, Henry.)

2009: Jason Voorhees. He was OBSESSED with Jason when he was 4.

This was also back in the days when I knew how to use my camera even less than I do now, if you can imagine.

2010: Psycho Clown!  This was another one that cost nothing because I already had that shit on hand from a photo shoot I made Christina do.

2011: Zombie Justin Bieber. This one kind of flopped, as evidenced by the ZERO people who could tell what he was supposed to be, haha.

Also that year, we went to a Halloween party so Chooch and I dressed up in our PJs and went as a Zombie Sleepover.

And he was a Zombie Dweeb at the Zombie Carnival at Monroeville Mall.

2012: Daryl from the Walking Dead. If you ever need to dress up as someone that no one will ever guess, come to me for ideas. I’m apparently chockful of ’em. (Seriously, that year’s Halloween really stressed me the fuck out.) You know what was awesome? Daryl became a wildly popular costume the next year, and Spirit Halloween was just LOADED with zombie ear necklaces, crossbows, and Daryl vests. Ugh to the infinite power.

2013: Post-Apocalyptic Claw Machine

Honestly, this one almost caused Henry and me to get fake-divorced from our LOLmarriage.

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2014: Kevin Bacon

This was my favorite because it was soooooo easy. None of the kids understood it but it was a big hit with the adults!

2015: Death By Stereo!

I don’t give a shit how few people got this costume, I was so proud of him for coming up with this idea on his own because The Lost Boys is the best.

It has yet to be determined if 2016 will be a win or a fail.

I’ll leave you with a photo of him looking evil on just a regular day. Have a good weekend, boyyyy!

Sometimes I go to a show and feel like a whole new person when I leave.

I was already planning on going to the Joyce Manor show at the Rex on Monday, but  I was nervous. I was relatively sure I knew what the crowd was going to be like, and that I would probably be fine, but I was going alone and was I ready to jump back in so soon after such a miserable night in Columbus?

LOL, yes I was ready. Sure, I was still furious but I wasn’t going to let a bunch of drunk Ohio bitches ruin every ensuing show for me. So Henry dropped me off at the Rex after work and I stood in line with all my people, and I felt like this was where I needed to be. Around all these people who were there for the same reason as me.

Decent humans.

And guess what — some of them were drinking, but because everyone was there for the music and not to drink their faces off while making rhythmic vagina offerings, there were no tense situations or people to brand as douchebags or assholes. The whole night felt like one, long, stress-relieving sigh.

As such, I don’t have much to report!

But let’s get the one and only downside tof the whole night out of the way, and its a pretty mild, non-complaint: I didn’t love the opening band, Crying. They’re a Run For Cover band, so I didn’t stumble into this blindly by any means; I knew what to expect and I had a feeling that seeing them live wasn’t going to push two puzzle pieces together in my brain, making me magically fall in love with them. But, I didn’t necessarily dislike them, either! It just wasn’t my style of music (kind of lo-fi, 90s twee…I don’t know, I’m not good with this type of music!) but I really honestly did enjoy watching their singer—she was fucking adorable and gave good, awkwardly sincere banter. Maybe one day they’ll click for me, and make the Run For Cover puzzle in my heart one are closer to completion. 

Whatever that means. 

And then: The Hotelier.  I stood to the left of the stage all night and no one bothered me. No one loudly spoke about sports or their relationships or Luluroe to their friends while the bands were playing. No one was mean or hateful. It was just a bunch of people who were super intense about these bands, all in one room together, sharing one long, special moment.

I have wanted to see this band for awhile now and always miss them. But tonight was my time and it was a goddamn delight. 

Even the singer of the Hotelier paused in between songs to comment on how attentive everyone was. I could honestly hear people around me breathing, that’s how quiet it was in between songs, like we were in church, hanging off every note and word.

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If the Hotelier gave GREAT spiritual foreplay….

…then Joyce Manor brought the motherfucking homily. 

That room fucking blew up with emo passion-crackers when the opening note of Heart Tattoo was strummed and the crowd never lost an ounce of verve after that. 

So many fists in the air, so many stage divers, so many earnest singalongs. I felt like I was home, with my people, taking a fucking Communion wafer right on the tongue. 

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^^^Fuuuuuuck. 

I can’t tell you why….maybe it’s one of those feelings or concepts that has no corresponding word in the English language, but I left the Rex that night feeling like something had shifted inside me, like I had just experienced pure, unadulterated beauty at the same time as several hundred other people, and we all knew it. 

Sometimes I go to a show and feel like a whole new person when I leave, and this was definitely one of those shows.

****

Snagged this limited edition tour screenprint on my way out (only 30 were made!) and when I got in the car with it, Henry was like, “Oh boy, another poster closer to living in one giant dorm room.”

He doesn’t get it. Not like you do. Or do you. Tell me you do. 

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It’s been a week. Just…a week. Not good. But bad. Mildly frustrating with some highlights (the Joyce Manor show!) and lowlights (Professional Driver Henry wrecking my car – no one was hurt but now my car is all smashed). I’ve also cried A LOT this week — but it was all over TV shows and music. 

Just a weird fucking week. 

And I can’t tell if I’m getting sick or of my throat just hurts from all the shrieking I did tonight at Shadows haunted trail. (I screamed so loud at one point that one of the monsters broke character and said that I actually scared him and that his heart was racing, and Henry said he heard me all the way from the parking lot. 

So please enjoy this Balance & Composure song which is my favorite from their new album and I think I have listened to it over 87 times in the last two days because it makes me feel all wistful & whatever. HOPE YOU LIKE IT. 

I’m really excited guys, because my kid has agreed to be the next People Feature subject! If you’ve met him in person, chances are you like him more than you like me. It’s just the way things go and I have learned to accept it. I mean, I’d like him better than me, too!

He’s really into cats, Pokemon, watching stupid things on YouTube (it’s the thing of his generation, you guys), being right, knowing everything, busting shoes within two months, and MATH for some dumb reason.

Contrary to popular belief, Chooch is not my kid’s actual, birth certificate-printed name. We had already settled on the name Riley before he was born, but it was one of those strange things where you get a pet, and you name that pet, and then you call that pet a million other names. It was like that. I looked down at him when we were still in the hospital and blurted out, “Aw, my little Choochie Cabrera!” And he’s been Chooch ever since, even though he’s at that age where he is trying furiously to just be Riley.

(Chooch rhymes with butch. People who have heard me say it out loud still insist on calling him CHOOOOOOCH and that’s just wrong. If you only knew how long I deliberated over the spelling.)

OK, now that you know his name origins, let’s ask him some questions! 10-year-olds are weird!

You love watching Friends reruns, so it’s a good thing they’re always on, constantly. What character on Friends do you relate to the most?

Ross, because he’s weird. I guess. I don’t know.

What would be your dream vacation and why. And would you take me?

Maybe Tokyo because it’s beautiful and big and it has the Nintendo headquarters and Pokémon stuff. And no, I would not take you.

Who are some of your neighborhood enemies?

Larry! Because he accuses me of stealing stuff. He once accused me of stealing his stupid paintball gun, yet when we were doing a photoshoot in the backyard, it was laying right on his bench!

Jackie the Witch.

Ruth.

What has been the BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE so far??

Getting [my cat] Drew. Not going to Disney World because I had to leave Drew.

Remember when you thought we were taking you to your new foster home when really we were going to pick out a kitten?

Yeah.

You’ve been a vegetarian since July. What made you want to go meatless?

Because veggie burgers have NO MURDER in it and why would I want to eat animal slaughter? Also, because a lot of my favorite singers are vegetarians/vegans such as: Christofer Drew (Never Shout Never) and Oli Sykes (Bring Me the Horizon).

What’s your favorite vegetarian meal?

Boca chicken patty because if it tastes like real chicken, why go back to eating actual chicken?

If you could be a member of any TV family, which one would it be and why?

The Simpsons because their life is crazy and you never know what might happen. Actually can I change my answer? Why would I want to change my family? My family’s fine!

OH LAYING IT ON THICK! Bravo. Pretend like one of the lunch ladies is tired of listening to the radio and is ready to branch out. Give her 5 of your favorite bands to listen to:

1. Pierce the Veil
2. The Summer Set
3. Emarosa
4. Dance Gavin Dance
5. Jule Vera. Had to throw that in. 

Speaking of lunch ladies, one of them hates you. Let’s talk about that!

She doesn’t really hate me….anymore. She doesn’t like me. She always says Are you sure you’re a vegetarian and I’m like “have I ate meat?!” Last year when my friend pushed me in the road & a teacher almost hit me, because she said she wasn’t go “fast at all” which she was, the lunch lady said YOU GOT [NAME WITHHELD] IN TROUBLE! since my friend is her FAVORITE and that’s it.

She probably says “yinz” and supports Trump. 

She does say yinz. That’s true.

Describe your perfect day:

Drew invites me to her birthday party in Hawaii and she made a cake made out of Penelope fur.

Since I recently learned that you’re a haiku aficionado, write a haiku about Henry:

He didn’t let me

Get chips that were on sale for

2 for 5 at Kuhn’s.

If you were old enough to get a tattoo right now, what would it be?

Obviously like the one you have of Marcy, but with Drew. With a banner that says Peace and Love. Never Lose.

You’ve been going to shows since you were 6! What’s the best one you’ve been to so far? 

That Pierce the Veil Misadventures concert because their set was pretty cool and they played all of my favorite songs, and most of the other shows I’ve been to have been at crappy venues.

Draw a picture of HENRY being scared at a haunted house. 

I love that Henry is almost always in some varying state of nudity in your depictions of him. Final question, and this is A BIG ONE: who do you love more, me or Henry?

You.

(YESSSSSS I WIN!!!!!!)

(There wasn’t much conviction in his answer but still….YESSSSS I WIN!!!!!!)

I wish I could properly explain the wrath I dealt with back in May when Chooch realized he was going to miss a headlining Summer Set show in Pittsburgh because we were in Michigan for Bledfest (something that only I wanted to do and Henry and Chooch got stuck going along for the ride and hated every second of it). “But it’s cool because you’ll get to see them at Warped Tour!” I reasoned, and Chooch seemed pacified by this.

And then there was more, even greater wrath in July when we realized that The Summer Set was only going to be on the second leg of Warped Tour, so Chooch would have to miss them again. 

And then there was no Pittsburgh date for their fall tour, but there was a Columbus show that fell on a Saturday so Henry and I felt it was worth it. Look, The Summer Set is not necessarily a band I would go out of my way for, but Chooch is really taken by them, for whatever reason. And who am I to deny my kid the pleasure of seeing one of his favorite bands? I mean, look at how bent out of shape I get when I have to miss seeing one of my favorite bands!

If you read my lame-o live blog post, some of this you already know. Like, the fact that Henry booted us out onto the curb and then went carousin’ around Columbus for….litter boxes and ginger tea. Henry knows how to live it up.

The venue was the A&R Music Bar. I’ve never been there before and I get really nervous about taking my kid to venues I know nothing about. But…the show was all ages, so I figured we’d be fine. Here in Pittsburgh, most of the venues won’t let you bring drinks out of the bar area, so I assumed it would be like that here too.

But no! It was a fucking free-for-all. The bar wasn’t separate all, and while I imagined the crowd would mostly consist of underaged girls, there actually seemed to be more adults there.

Drunk adults.

All over.

Being rude.

Standing in front of Chooch.

Talking over all of the bands.

I was just really rubbed the wrong way almost immediately and had this dire urge to have Henry come and get us and then we could just go do something touristy or…I don’t know…go home. I hate when I get those bad feelings! And I just couldn’t shake this one at all.

Chooch and I were so hateful of the crowd that we opted to go out on the patio and hang out with the all of the smokers, even though it was about 40 degrees out. We could actually see the stage better from out there and the sound wasn’t muted much at all.

That dude up there in the white shirt was the opener. I think his name was Chase? No. It’s Hudson Thames. I pretended for a second to be committed to the art of blogging and actually researched that shit.

Um…Hudson had a great voice! But I wasn’t entranced.  And then after his set, he took off his shirt and threw it into the crowd, like OK Tacky.

William Beckett was next. I had no idea he was on this tour, and when he walked past us when we were standing in line, I was like, “That guy looks familiar” but then figured it was just because he reminded me of someone who would have been in a Sid & Marty Kroft television show, and didn’t think about it again until we were inside and I was buying Chooch his 374872389465th Summer Set shirt, when I looked over and saw the guy again, and then my eyes drifted to the side of his head and I noticed all of the William Beckett merch on the wall and realized that oh shit, that’s William Beckett from The Academy Is… what the fuck is he doing opening for the Summer Set?!

We only stuck around for two of his songs because, ask Chooch, we were surrounded by drunk broads with really annoying voices. I will never understand why people pay money to go to a show and then stand with their back to the stage scream-talking to their friends. Like, just go to a regular bar for that, or have a fucking house party. I guess I just don’t get it. MAYBE BECAUSE I’M TOO SQUARE. I’M SO SQUARE THAT I USED THE TERM “SQUARE.”

After William Beckett, Chooch and I went back inside, on a quest to find somewhere decent to stand where he could see and we wouldn’t be inadvertently wrapped up in a Snuggie of drunk douchebags. We ventured further and further up toward the front of the venue until we were next to the side of the stage. There were several other people standing there, and Chooch was happy enough with the unobstructed view that he didn’t care if he was just going to see the Summer Set’s profiles.

Eventually though, one of the staff ladies came over and said that we were going to have to move back more into the main area when the band came out, and we were like, “Ugh fine.” However, two girls came into the venue with one of the Summer Set guys (Josh, according to Chooch) and stood next to Chooch and the staff lady was just like, “Fine I give up. Stand there. Create a fire hazard. Oh well.”

I mean, probably that’s what she was thinking, and not, “Gotta catch ’em all.”

HERE IS A REALLY DETAILED, ARCHITECTURALLY ACCURATE BLUEPRINT OF THE LAYOUT:

You can see how we were keeping an open area so that traffic could freely flow to and from the exit.

I was so pleased with how this night had panned out! Chooch was in a comfortable spot, I had a thing to lean my old ass body against, the band was playing pleasant pop music that I generally wouldn’t care about but have learned to semi-like thanks to Chooch (I REALLY LIKE THEIR NEW SONG “JEAN JACKET” AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT)….Some old broad had migrated to our area with her niece who was around the same age as Chooch, and she and I were exchanging pleasantries, and that’s when I made the mistake.

I said words.

I jinxed myself.

“This is the perfect spot,” I yelled into my new friend’s hair.

“Yeah it really is!” she said, and we leaned back against the bar, smiling as our young companions danced and clapped to The Summer Set.

Then that lady left. I don’t know where she went, to the back of the room with her niece, I guess. And then suddenly, a group of 6 totally trashed bitches came barreling up from the back of the room and stuffed themselves into the area area between those of us leaning against the bar and the few people in front of us at the barricade.

They were flailing around, screaming like infants, holding their cans of Coors Light like torches over their perfect heads of hair, sloshing beer around like a stinky sprinkler system, and being generally REALLY FUCKING INTRUSIVE.

Luckily, the staff lady swooped in from her station at the door and yelled, “You guys have to move! We have to keep this area open!”

Of course, they wouldn’t move. Why would they move? They were fucking entitled little bitches who owned the place.

All I knew was that they were potentially going to ruin things for Chooch. I had a feeling that if they didn’t move, that broad was going to come back and make us ALL move. So I kind of nudged one of them so she’d move, instead of pancaking me against the edge of bar like she was currently doing. I mean, they brought major pandemonium to our nice little area of the venue, and everything was happening so fast…

But I didn’t think this prissy little girl was actually going to flip out from being subtly nudged.

“That bitch PUSHED ME!” she shrieked to the staff lady, who was just like, “Oh OK” and then walked away. When she didn’t get the attention she craved, she continued to scream her face off about me pushing her, and I was so confused…was she actually talking about me? Because I used like three finger tips to give her a tiny prod in the direction that the lady wanted her to move, and also it was to get her fucking gross Aztec sweater out of my face.

So then she ran over to the lone guy in their crew and hysterically cried, “THAT BITCH PUSHED ME!” but as I would find out later, she wasn’t the one in the group he was fucking, so he just looked at me and then looked at her and shrugged.

Two of her other friends were oblivious to her plight, and instead continued performing their bizarre, primitive vagina dance which involved them leaning back in their best Limbo pose while facing each other, and making sensual “offering” motions with their hands above their crotches. So I’m like completely mesmerized by this weird menstrual witch jig when I suddenly feel a sharp blow to my ribcage because Aztec Sweater finally found a friend who cared, and that friend—a frumpy bitch in a plum sweater—wedged herself in between me and the nice, normal girl who was originally standing to my left, and proceeded to passive aggressively assault me with her basic bitch elbow while the THAT BITCH PUSHED ME dialogue continued.

Like, really. You’re going to stand there and play these middle school games, like you’re trying to bully me in the back of the classroom while the teacher has her back turned? Because that’s what that shit felt like.

So I dug my feet into the floor and started to push back into her because bitch, you picked the wrong girl. I wasn’t going to move.

But I also wasn’t going to ruin Chooch’s night. Because by this point, my whole body felt like a whistling tea kettle. I could hear the blood rushing into my head, like sheet metal crashing in my ears. I was starting to shake, because what I really wanted to do WAS GRAB THIS BITCH BY THE HAIR. Not even the girl I supposedly pushed! But this fucking plum tunic hag. I wanted to actually fight her and it has been a long time since I felt this out of control in public, and I had literally zero sips of alcohol in me. No, this bitch alone was bringing out pure, unadulterated, primal rage.

Then I looked up and saw Chooch, applauding in between songs, and got myself in check real quick.

CONSEQUENCES, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

This isn’t to say I was going to stand there and be steam-rolled by this fucker. So I turned and tapped her on the arm.

“Excuse me, but I didn’t PUSH your friend,” I yelled into her ear.

“WELL THAT LADY YELLED AT US AND TOLD US TO MOVE AND THERE’S NOWHERE FOR US TO GO SO YOU HAVE TO MOVE TOO!” she yelled back, sounding like an actual brat. I mean, that staff lady didn’t YELL at them, she was just trying to do her job.

“I’ve been standing here since before The Summer Set went on, and my kid is right up there, so no, I’m not moving,” I said, and I was so surprised at how RATIONAL AND NON-HYSTERICAL I SOUNDED. I realllly didn’t want Chooch to turn around and see his mom acting like white trash. 

“OK, well then we’re good here!” she yelled, like suddenly everything had changed now that she knew I’M A MOM and not just another basic OSU bitch? I mean, she said it in a totally asshole-y way without a DROP of sincerity, but she moved out of my personal bubble and her fucking elbow never touched me again, and then in a strange twist of events, the weird vagina dancers actually became pretty amusing to me and we had several moments throughout the night where we laughed at things together and I know that infuriated the other two girls WHO I WILL NEVER BE COOL WITH IN REAL LIFE, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS, I don’t care how much Aztec Sweater looked like Missy Franklin and I LOVE MISSY FRANKLIN.

I can’t even put into words how much it ruined my night, my weekend, my joy of being at a concert, my faith in humanity (not that I had much to begin with but still). Shows are safe zones for me. It’s where I feel at home and comfortable in my skin, where I can leave my stress and tension at the door, and I want Chooch to feel that way too. But all this shit was playing out right behind him and even though he never turned around and saw it all, he was still annoyed by these people for his own reasons. It made me feel like I put him in a potentially unsafe situation and that’s a really terrible feeling for a parent.

But he still said he had a great time, and the guitar tech gave him a pick (you can see that in the end of the below video!).

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I pretty much raged about this to Henry during the entire three hour drive back home to Pittsburgh and he was like, “OK what do you want me to do” because he’s so SUPPORTIVE, so then I texted Chris and Monica who TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD AND WERE ON MY SIDE SO THERE HENRY. And I’m not going to lie, I kind of half-expected them to follow us outside after the show and start shit with me again, so I spent the rest of the show trying to put together some kind of game plan in my head, which was basically just COMING IN LIKE A WRECKING BALL.

And then running.

There were like six of them!

Well, four. Those vagina dancers were way too drunk to fight.

All I know is that I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Because I don’t know about you, but I try to live my life without getting stabbed or thrown in the slammer. 

*****

I was down about it all day yesterday at work. I only told Glenn, Todd, and Wendy because even just talking about it made me feel so shitty all over again. I’m so glad that these things happen so rarely, because I would probably never go to a show again.

When I saw Chooch after work, I asked him if he told his friends about going to see The Summer Set.

“No, not really,” he said, because his school friends just don’t relate to these things. “Well, I did tell them about how that one girl spilled her beer on my leg.”

UGH GREAT. MOTHER OF THE FUCKING YEAR.

Now that Chooch is back at it with piano lessons, Henry and I have been trying to make the most of the hour of freedom we get on Sunday mornings. Chooch’s instructor Cheryl lives in Lawrenceville now, so we just leave the car parked near her house and meander about like we’re a real life couple or something. Today, we went to Butterwood Bake Consortium for, you know, cake and consorting.

Obviously, I was all about this joint because its aesthetic is like, goth-lite. Neo-Victorian. Shabby nouveau. I don’t know. I’m making these things up. But it really appealed to me and I made myself at home on a church pew. Henry’s big lumberjack body nearly knocked over the table when he crammed his blue collar ass into the dainty chair. He was so angry about being in this place, which made it even better. However, he sure had no qualms with forking his vanilla pecan & lemon curd cake into his moustachioed maw.

That cake was a thousand thumbs-up emojis. We also got a piece of Olive Oil and Lavender cake for later and now that it’s post-later, I can tell you that it was a thousand and five thumbs-up emojis. (I LOVE LAVENDER SO MUCH! Lavender and maple. Those are my jams. Separately though. I’m not palate professor but I don’t think those two flavors would pair well together.)

The pour-over serves two but Henry is some weird anti-coffee hobo and kept his cup turned over the whole time, like how rude.

Afterward, we came home and Henry went grocery shopping so that my co-workers won’t threaten to call CYS on him anymore. Chooch and I decided to go for a leisurely stroll around the ‘hood since we spent so much of yesterday being stuck in the car. Plus, today was way more beautiful and warm than yesterday and we gotta make the most of this tolerable weather before the dreary Pittsburgh winter keeps us cloistered in our miserable fortress for the next several seemingly unending months. OMG I’M ALREADY BEGINNING TO PANIC. STOP WITH THE CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS ALREADY! LET’S ENJOY FALL!

Anyway, we call this lumbercasual. Here, you will see Chooch reppin’ the Stheart beanie, Emarosa shirt, Mossimo flannel (probably? Henry bought it last night when Chooch and I were at the Summer Set show and he cruised around Columbus running errands like a good housewife) and Vans. I don’t know what his jeans are and I don’t care. Do you care? EXACTLY.

We chose one of the alleys of Brookline for this fauxtoshoot. Chooch was actually very agreeable and we didn’t fight at all! BECAUSE HENRY WASN’T THERE.

MOODY AF.

I wanted him to sit on the steps but he was like, “Uh, there’s broken glass on every step, so no.” Teamwork.

[Chooch just paused whatever game he’s playing on his DS to squint at CNN and ask, “Is that Katie McGinty?” Whyyyy does he know so much about politics?! Friday morning, I overheard him ask his friend, “Did you watch that Trump/Hillary roast last night?!” and of course his friend was like, “Um, the fuck is that? No.” So then Chooch told him his favorite parts to a resounding response of *CRICKETS*.]

And now we’re gearing up for The Walking Dead. I’m already emotional. Why do we do this to ourselves?!

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

We’re en route to Columbus Ohio this morning so Chooch can see one his favorite bands, The Summer Set. That’s for those people who didn’t read the title of this post. I’m live blogging because it’s what I live for. (see also: no life.)

11:23am: we left the house at 11 which is actually the time I said I wanted to leave and it actually worked! First we went to Dunkin’ Donuts where they gave me a cappuccino instead of a macchiato and I’m pretty sure I haven’t had a cappuccino since high school when Denny’s got a cappuccino machine and that was like ALL THE RAGE LOL. The Henry wanted to stop at the nearby pretzel place to treat himself and I yelled OH COME ON because I want to GO and this promoted Henry to start bitching about how he does everything we want to do and can he please just get a bag of soft pretzels and YOURE NOT LIVEBLOGGING ARE YOU.

11:39: I just tried to get henry to care about my current favorite Touché Amore song but he’s just like “ok cool story” and I’m devastated as usual. THAT VIDEO THO:

Tears spurt from eyes every time. Real feels.

12:01: WOO TRAFFIC! I drank my stupid cappuccino too fast and now I have caffeine nausea help.

12:26: Chooch just came back to the car from Sheetz and panted, “DADDY STOLE SOMETHING!” And I’m like no he didn’t….did he? I just asked Henry if he did and he got all paranoid. Chooch just piped up from the backseat, “he stole the cash register lady’s heart.” LOL ugh.

12:28: Today my response to everything Henry says will be “you’re fuckin’ faded” a la Kurt Travis.

1:06: THIS JUST IN: Henry has never heard of the term SHOEGAZE are you fucking kidding me. So we had to have an impromptu Music Genre 101 Class and his takeaway was, “That’s dumb.” So no one get Henry any My Bloody Valentine merch for Christmas I guess.

1:18: Me n Henry:

1:40: Obligatory rest area bathroom mirror selfie:

You can’t tell in this picture but I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “THE FUCK is up with my Farrah Fawcett hair?” Because the front is flipped weirdly. I walked out and said, “Thanks for telling me my hair is so big and weird today, asshole” to Henry who said, “It looks like Farrah Fawcett hair.” UGH FOREVER HENRY.

1:55: Couldn’t remember how to tell Chooch to put his headphones on so it came out “Why aren’t you having your headphones on?” I really think I suffered a mini stroke sometime over the last few years I’m not even funnin’ here. I see evidence of it every time I skim old blog posts and see my grammar breakdowns. Should I be concerned or naw.

2:58: Here in Columbus at Whole World Cafe and miserable Chooch is miserable.

4:12: Chooch is in a better mood now that he ate. We’re at North Market where Henry passed up all the obvious choices of parking spots in favor of one where he could show off his flashy driving skills by BACKING IN.

Got some Jeni’s!

I got Sweet Cream Biscuits & Peach Jam and Thai Curry Pumpkin. Henry got Xococo Blah Blah Blah and Sweet Potato Eclair. Chooch got a lame sundae.

GUYS DONT PANIC Henry found another soft pretzel place. We also got donuts (Oh god to be eaten much later—Jeni’s & my broccoli burger has my stomach on house arrest. Whatever that means. It sounded good for a second.

Red raspberry hibiscus & dueling vanilla!

5:31: Henry just lost his mind and told a SERVICE story! “Let the Music Play” by Shannon just came on and Henry said it reminds him of when he was IN FLORIDA for a TEMPORARY DUTY ASSIGNMENT during his SERVICE years and the BARTENDER at their hotel played it CONSTANTLY and that his “SERVICE FRIEND” was in love with her, more like HENRY WAS IN LOVE WITH HER.

In other news, we went to two record stores and neither of them had what I was looking for so now I’m pouting.

6:21: Standing in line for 3o minutes. So cold. Obnoxious camera happy people in front of us.

Chooch just photobombed the obnoxious people and pretty much everyone around us saw it and laughed but one of the guys in the obnoxious group was mad I think.

7:32: this venue sucks. There’s nowhere good to be and the crowd is way older than I anticipated which sucks because they’re all DRUNK TALKERS.

The first guy to play was really great. We realized that if we came out on the patio we could still hear and the view was way better but it’s COLD.

MEanwhile Henry is shopping at the World Market and probably taking a nap under a pier somewhere.

Also William Beckett is here and I had no idea. How do you go from the Academy Is…to opening for a band in a tiny bar in Columbus.

9:56: you guys I came very close to getting into a physical altercation, but it didn’t go any further than a shoving match. I am so fucking angry right now. The people at this show are the biggest bags of dicks of all time.

10:27: THANK GOD ITS OVER. WE’RE IN THE CAR. WE’RE LEAVING COLUMBUS. FUCK THE A&R DRUNK ASSHOLE HAVEN. The Summer Set was great though! Chooch got a pick and we saw Brian Logan Dales outside when we were leaving and I was like YOU GUYS WERE GREAT and he very appreciatively said thanks and I was like “That’s how one human talks to another human. OMG I DID IT!”

Henry went to Target, Old Navy, Barnes and Noble, the World Market, Vitamin Shoppe, he thinks that might be it. I think I would have preferred his night over mine. Henry is taking Chooch to see them next time. Chooch I love you but WOW. My adrenaline is like OFF THE CHARTS RIGHT NOW.

11:23pm: In FUCKING ZANESVILLE and I’m so hungry but Henry is just meandering about like this is some vintage car cruise and I hate Ohio and just want to go home to Pittsburgh where I go to a million shows without altercation. Also there is a route 666 and I never knew it?!

No wonder this place is soul-sucking.

12:10am: I just had a veggie wrap from Sheetz and some of my humanity has been repaired. It’s freezing in the car but god forbid I put on the heat on while henry is driving because he gets sleepy so I’ll just sit here with my teeth chattering and feel thankful that I’m in a car driven by an awake man.

JUST TO WRAP THIS SHITTY POST UP: we got home around 2am and I went to bed without washing my face and I ALWAYS WASH MY FACE, that’s how tired I was. Fuck Ohio.

After I finished decorating on Monday, it just didn’t feel complete. So I spent Wednesday night bloodying up a sheet and angrily twisting up craft paper while watching the third presidential debate—it made for some great catharsis!

I think this one is pretty obvious, but in case you don’t know your Stephen King, it’s “Carrie.” And here’s another big fat Obviously: this desk belongs to Carrie. She was very pleased when she saw it today. She told me that she actually says, “Just like the movie,” when she tells people her name.

“Debby was still here yesterday when I was hanging this up, and I’m sure she was pleased,” I told Carrie this morning.

“Oh yeah, I’m sure she was!” Missy said sarcastically, overhearing me en route to her office.  

Catherine felt left out when she came in on Tuesday and saw the decorations. This is kind of a stretch, but….

She’s very happy now!

But apparently she hasn’t seen Children of the Corn, so hopefully she does that this weekend.

MALACHIIIIIIIIIIIIII.

This morning I was in the kitchen with Mitch and he said that everyone who comes to our floor for a meeting sees his new rustic decor since his office is right outside the conference room, and that he has been hearing some good reviews. MAYBE THIS IS MY TICKET TO DECORATING ON OTHER FLOORS OMG.

Dare to dream, you guys. Dare to dream.

Todd had the audacity to add fake spiders to the cobwebs on his decrepit barber shop display without asking my permission!

“You’re junking it all up!” I cried, and I think everyone thought I was joking but I wasn’t, I really mad. Just kidding, everyone knew I wasn’t joking.

*****

In other Halloween news, we’re having a party here next week and I got to help plan it! I’m incorporating the final piece to my ambush decorating into the department party, which is TRICK OR TREATING. Basically I’m just going to turn all of the work areas I decorated into designated trick or treat zones, and each one will have candy specific to their decorations. Like, Lou-On the Grudge will have Japanese candy, The Blair Mitch Project will have those lame snack boxes of tiny pretzel sticks, Catherine of the Corn will have candy corn, etc etc. I mean, I’ll throw in some good candy too — god, get off my back!

*****

If you’re interested in seeing past Halloween decor I did around this joint, please feel free to click the links below (the newest posts will come up first, so you’ll need to scroll all the way down and read up!):

Murder Desk: 2011

Carnival Desk: 2012 (I think this one was my favorite though because it was so interactive and that’s how the Glenn Desecration Project was born!)

(I was pouting in 2013 because I got moved to an office in a neglected hallway.)

Funeral Desk: 2014

(I didn’t do anything last year either but I think it was because I was depressed or too busy with some other obsession, who knows.)

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Hey guys it’s Riley back again with a review, a haunted house review. So its 2016 finally back in October, back in haunted house season!
So we went to three already and I’m going to tell you about all three.

Hundred Acres Manor

Hundred Acres Manor wasn’t that good this year but it was still pretty cool. Daddy took us to Hundred Acres Manor. So yeah, you probably guessed I asked daddy to let me use his phone, and he was pissed but I didn’t care. Anyway when we got there daddy started to watch T.V. Shows on his phone like NCIS and Person of Interest. We got in line and i saw a kid that was in 6th Grade at my school, lets call him Paul. But that’s not important, whats important is there was a costume, a person, a person in a costume, A CHAP STICK COSTUME!!!! It was a weird costume but awesome. I was hoping for a fist bump for when i got up front and she did it! I was so happy.

Okay so to the important stuff. When we went in (Finally) it was the exact same as every other year (I WASN’T SCARED) so of course it started with the elevator then, I don’t remember what was next but i do remember this part where there was a guy getting shocked/executed and Paul was scared to go past because the (fake) guy getting executing was blocking the way. So Paul finally jumped out of the way and we got to move on. Then the group in front of us since the group in front of the group we were in (Paul’s Group is the group in front of our group I forgot to mention we weren’t originally in their group) were going so slow we caught up to them. So there was this part where a zombie was above you trying to get down but there is a rail in the way, so he pushes it down and he starts going like *Ahhhh* and this guy (lets call him Joey) was going clueless as hell and didn’t know where to go so Joey was just like *DOOOY* and there was clearly black plastic strips you had to walk through and we were just standing there in perpetuity.

So instead of writing every freaking detail I’ll just tell you the new parts. So instead of having the maze there was an Alien Part where we were going through a UFO of some sort and this General guy told ME (SPECIFICALLY) not to touch ANYTHING in the UFO thingy so I listened and didn’t touch anything. Oh and also it’s good to be petite because I don’t have to duck in the like cave parts where it swoops down and adults have to duck to get under. All I have to do is nothing. I just keep walking. I don’t have to duck or anything.

Then we went into some house that had music playing *Mr.Sandman Specifically* and Children’s Drawings all over the walls  *UGH SO CREEPY* and the lady who lived there lived right next to the Space Craft thingy. So I told her “Are you aware you live next to a giant Space Craft?” and she said “Of course! It’s the best part of living here” (She doesn’t actually live there for the people who thought ‘Wow, she lives in the property of Hundred Acres Manor!’ No she role-play’s like she lives there obviously.)

That was the last part I think. So when we left the building there was a table with two guys giving out some like TEAM NUTZ slip thing and mommy thought it was for bands playing somewhere but then she realized “Oh” its… these. So yeah that is this part of this (Essay?) If you enjoyed this part, comment “Vote H4M”

 Allen’s Haunted Hayride & Tavern of Terror

Okay so to start off Me, Mommy, Blake, and his girlfriend Haley went to Allen’s Haunted Hayride first, then we went to the Tavern of Terror.

Okay so we got in line and it was horrible because it was muddy and stuff, so my shoes got dirty. Well they didn’t really get dirty but they were pretty dirty. We finally made it to the Hayride and the first significant parts was that there were TMNT people and they through candy into the hayride and mommy got a piece and i wrestled her and got it and she whined and said “Ha! I found another one!” and I wanted to take it. So she whined the whole time. The second significant part was there was a part with clowns, and Haley hates clowns, so I said “Take her she hates clowns!” so they got in her face and she was freaking out.

The next significant parts was there was  “The REAL Michael”  came, and you’ll see why I call him that in a second. So there was a fake Michael Myers and then mommy was like “That’s creepy” then the “actual” Michael ran at us and Mommy slid away so when I tried to lean back on mommy I hit the girl sitting next to her. Mommy said “OH THAT’S THE REAL MICHAEL!” and moved away and then Michael crouched/tea-bagged me. Okay then there were these girls at the other side of the tractor and they were talking to this guy (said to be named Avery by the girls) and he was supposed to be their friend, but I don’t think he was.

Then one of the Allen’s who sat with the driver got kicked off of the tractor because he was smoking. So we were like “Yeah, You can’t smoke on the tractor.”

So that was the Hayride! If you enjoyed this part go comment “Vote H4YR1D3”

This is the of Terror and there was no one in line for it so we were the first to go in. But we kinda had to wait because the nurse wasn’t in her spot. In the enterance there was a pirate and he told me to go first so I did and there was the bar first. And  there was a bartender and a pirate, like I told you about. There was also another part where you walk through a tunnel and there are these gloved hand that grab you and it’s weird.

There was also a carnival with the Joker and the main attraction Shark-Ini, but he’s gone and you have to escape before he finds you. You had to walk through this mirror tunnel, which was trippy as hell. There was a monster guy who looked a little like Sloth from The Goonies.

If you enjoyed this part go comment “Vote B33R”

Mommy told Jason that daddy was scared of him so Jason stared at daddy.

Demon House

So for Demon House I went with Blake and Haley again, but my friend, Dimajio went, too so it was an 1 hour away so it was a boring ride because Maj (What I call Dimajio) was listening to music. But we did play a game on the way there. Okay so skip ahead about 45 minutes, we were in the parking lot of the Demon House van that took you to Demon House. So me and Maj had Gatorade’s and mine was empty so we played catch and football with it. So we did that for another 45 minutes. Then finally, Blake and Haley got there. So we finally got to go in the van to get to Demon House. So I forgot to mention it was Maj’s first haunted house. He said he wasn’t scared. Maj also told me if I or an actor jumped at him he would punch me or them.

So we got our numbers and stamps that told us we were number 9, to go in. We waited for them to call our number’s and when they did we got to sit down and wait even more. So Maj got jump scared by a ghost groundskeeper and he almost punched him across the face, but he stopped himself in time. So the whole time we were walking through Maj was holding me or Blake in front of him “Because he wasn’t scared.” We were being chased by a chainsaw guy and Maj freaked out and I thought he was going to run home. Mommy ran for her life and I only ran because the chainsaw touched me. Maj ran for the hills, if I didn’t say before.

Then we were playing hide & seek with some girl’s brother and if he found us we were dead. The whole time we were being pushed by Maj through a dark tunnel. Luckily we weren’t found. There was a carnival part and it was creepy as hell. Well Maj was really scared. There was a clown at the end of this weird fence zig-zag we were going through and he screamed in my ear and my eardrum popped.

Well that was the end of the haunted house, but we still did more stuff.

Me and Maj got Hot Apple Cider and BBQ Lays. But daddy gave me 4$ for balloon pop 3 pins for 1 dollar. So I had 2 dollars and Maj had 2 dollars, so we both got 6 pins. He popped 1 balloon his first try and I popped none. Then with out three last pins I popped 2 balloons and he popped 1. Maj got to get 2 glow sticks and I got bubbles. There was a movie playing called “Dead Alive” and me and Maj hated it, it was so fake. Mommy said “Well, Of Course. It’s supposed to be.”

On the way back home we got a Basket of Fries from McDonald’s and they were good. Well that brings an end to my review. If you enjoyed this part comment “Vote D3M0N”

Hopefully you vote, oh and you can’t vote twice. Good Bye!

My Timehop has been rife with memories and flashbacks of past Law Firm desk Halloween decorations, like the time a co-worker called my desk a “hostile work environment” and kind of wasn’t kidding. I posted one of the Timehop memories on Facebook last week and said that I regretted not decorating this year, so Sandy and Michele were like YOU STILL CAN. THERE IS TIME. SHOOT FOR THE STARS, ERIN.

But I just didn’t feel inspired.

I started thinking about how I would decorate if I was someone else in the department. Like if I was Wendy, I would probably have pumpkins draped with Stella & Dot necklaces. Who knows.

And then I started associating horror movies with co-workers based on their names, and wondered, “Could I get away with decorating someone else’s space instead of mine?”

I mean, of course I can!

So this year’s theme is THE HIJACKING.

I spent all weekend collecting things from around the house. I wanted this to be as simple and no-fuss as possible since there were going to be more than just one space to decorate. Some things I had to buy, but I think I ended up spending less than $10! Henry was pleased! I was late shift yesterday which awarded me the perfect opportunity to get ‘er done. (I looked like a typical Pittsburgh bag lady on the trolley, ugh.)

Let’s start with Lori!

I changed her name to Lori Strode, after Jamie Lee Curtis’s character on HALLOWEEN a/k/a the best horror movie in the whole entire world. Quick sidebar: we went to Allen’s Haunted Hayride on Friday and when Michael Myers got all up on me in the wagon-thing, I was horrified yet REALLY INTO IT, which is just what I want from my Michael encounters.

Henry’s old meat shop coveralls, forever coming in handy.

Glenn has an ironic pumpkin decoration that Amber2 makes him display, so I snatched that to help make the scene more Halloween-esque.

I EVEN CHANGED “LAURIE” TO “LORI.”

See also: I have no life.

I had to wait until this morning to decorate Lori’s office because she was late shift with me last night. But the fun part about this is that she got to see all the other decorating I did without realizing she was also a target!

Lou is one of my work enemies so naturally I had to go with Ju-On (The Grudge for all you Americans).

Lou is seriously worst.

Meanwhile, I think Glenn thought he was off the hook this year. He knew about two of my ideas and I made it sound like THAT WAS ALL I WAS DOING. And originally, it was going to be, until “Polterglenn” came to me and then I couldn’t stop laughing because how dumb and ridiculous.

That clown was one of my un-birthday gifts from Gayle! And that hat is Chooch’s. I bet Glenn didn’t even notice this right away this morning!!

Holy shit, I was so stoked to decorate Todd’s desk. It’s a nationally known fact that Todd’s desk décor consists exclusively of Qdoba napkins. Or maybe it’s Chipotle. I guess it’s not really all that nationally known.

Anyway.

Sweeney Todd, obviously!

Cardboard straight razor so I don’t get called to HR. Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir. (FUN FACT: That bottle of green liquid and floating fingers is a regular fixture on a table near my Robert Smith wall. I just taped a label on it.)

(Another FUN FACT: That hand mirror was left behind by a previous occupant of my house. I found it by accident when I pulled a chair into the bathroom when I was pretending to clean the unreachable top shelf of the bathroom closet. One side of it is bashed in and I’m convinced it was a murder weapon in another life. Also, this is the third time it’s made an appearance for Halloween decorating at work.)

The wallpaper was left over from the funeral parlor desk theme of 2014.

Henry had to help me with the barber pole because I started doing that “I’M GOING TO DESTROY AN ENTIRE VILLAGE OF ORPHANS” angry squeal that comes out when I’m frustrated and losing my patience after 5 seconds of effort.

This is my favorite part! I was worried though because I always stumble fake bugs around the house but naturally as soon as I NEED THEM they’re nowhere to be found. I didn’t want to go out and buy any because the whole goal for me is to try and accomplish as much as I can with what I have. It makes it more authentic! And laughably rudimentary in some cases. But then I found some ants in my desk at work!

And an extra thumb!

Oh, and cobwebs too!

“Of course you did,” Henry sighed when I got in the car after work that night.

OK, I saved my favorite one for last. This was the one that came to me first and I was so excited about it that I slipped and told a couple people at work because god forbid I should ever keep my mouth shut ever! And I knew it must have been a good idea when Glenn actually LAUGHED AUDIBLY.

I thought I’d have to go to a forest for the twigs, but no! I just needed to go right in my own backyard! So yeah, I lost about two hours of my life on Saturday making Satanic folk art. This was another moment where I threw a fit but then Henry went and plugged in the glue gun for me and then I was fine. This was actually kind of therapeutic.

So if you ever need any of these creepy twig stick figures, I’m your girl.

I knew there was a reason I kept my old, broken camcorder.

Mitch came over and gave me a high-five today. I mean, it’s the best one, so he should be proud!

God you guys, I wish this was my real life job, Ambushing people’s work spaces and aggressively decorating! I think that’s something I would excel at. Why are all the things I excel at so stupidly niche?

The new Joyce Manor record makes me want to fall back into a pile of leaves, you guys. Which is perfect since it’s autumn and there are leaves on the ground.  Great timing. 

I’m going to see them on the 24th IN CASE ANYONE WANTS TO GO WITH ME LOL. 

In other news, I’ve spent all weekend concocting devious Halloween plans. I was regretting not decorating at work this year and some of my friends were like YOU STILL CAN, THERE’S STILL TIME. And then a plan came to me,so I literally woke Henry up in the middle of the night to tell him and once he shook off the terror of being violently jostled awake,  he was like “Really? This couldn’t have waited?” LOL NO. DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME.

Which is funny because last night Chooch was outside with his friends and the way I felt when I heard him scream “Wait I have an idea!” is the same way Henry feels when I scream “Wait I have an idea!” isn’t it? 

This was right after they all bought ice cream from the shadiest ice cream man this side of Master P. He had a cigarette hanging from his mouth the whole time and some young broad in the back with him and while it was hard to tell from my vantage inside the house but I’m not certain she was his “business colleague.” 

So weird. 

Good ol’ Brookline. 

Here’s a picture of Drew and me. I have an old church pew/kneeler thing at the front door and she likes to stand it and watch Chooch and his friends play outside. It’s kind of adorable. He’s the only one she will let hold her!

I have shit to do and haunted houses to go to so ciao for now!

I remember when I was little, whenever I would accomplish something amazing (which was often, lol’ing all the livelong day), my Pappap would ask me where I wanted to have my celebration dinner and of course I’d pick somewhere nice where I could order myself a fucking lobster, you know? Because what grade school kid doesn’t do that?

Right?

But when my dumbo son gets straight As on his first report card of the year and we ask him where he wants to eat, he says Eat n Park.

Goddamn Eat n Park, you guys. That’s the place we go when Henry doesn’t feel like cooking because we can walk there and it requires little deliberation, and then one of us usually has a bad experience and complains about it for the rest of the night.

I mean, it’s OK. The salad bar is OK. The grilled cheese is fine. It’s all fine. Sigh.

I tried to talk him out of it because I wanted some type of curry in a bad way, so we started fighting about it in the car and Chooch yelled, “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT STRAIGHT As! LET’S GO WHEREVER MOMMY WANTS TO GO, EVERYONE!” and I fucking hate that he’s so good at this.

“I’M HALF THE REASON YOU GOT STRAIGHT As!

” I screamed back, while Henry openly wept behind the steering wheel. “I MADE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN!!!!”

UGH!!!

But we went to stupid EAT N PARK god forbid, because Chooch controls everything, it’s the motherfucking CHOOCH SHOW.

Maybe I’ll eat curry in my dreams tonight.