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Major breaking news: I somehow coerced Henry into doing not one, not two, but FIVE Kpop dance workouts with me last night and tonight! Even Chooch joined in for some of it (he loves K-Kardio’s routine for “Fire” by BTS). We had so much fun (laughing at Henry)!!

I try not to be one of those annoying “I AM ON A DIET/GOING TO THE GYM” people who do nothing but talk about their progress, because last time I checked, this wasn’t a fitness blog and literally no one cares, but it has really changed my life so much. Exercising isn’t a drag, I’m not starving, I freaking love the Korean food Henry makes me everyday, and I just feel so much better in so many ways. 

Today, for example, I tried on a Warped Tour shirt that we bought Chooch in 2013….it’s an adult XS. And it freaking fit me. And not even like a sausage-casing either! Just like…a normal tank. Granted, Chooch got so many permanent stains on it that I can’t wear it without looking like a slob. This is also the first summer I’ve worn shorts in public without being worried about how I look. (I might have body dysmorphia and super low self esteeem. I mean, duh.)

Just today, I was reminiscing about how I was addicted to diet pills from GNC, back when none of the bad shit was banned yet, and there was one time my then-boyfriend found me passed out on the bathroom floor and promptly flushed my pills down the toilet because he was so afraid I was going to die. And also the time I bent over to tie my shoes and passed out because: diet pills. 

Pill Diet. 

My friend Brian and I even considered moving to Japan long enough to lose weight because whatever that banned ingredient was, it was A-OK in Japan!

I mean I laugh about it now, but I don’t miss those dangerous, unhealthy days AT ALL. Thank you, Kpop. 

If anyone is interested, the links to the Kpop dance fitness YouTube channels I frequent the most are below. THEY ARE SO MUCH FUN!

• Sarahkaypop
• KpopX
• K-Kardio
• YooJoo Lee 

This was my favorite one to make Henry perform:

FIGHTING!

I woke up bright and early on day two of KCON and demanded that Henry go down to the lobby and score us breakfast muffins since Chooch and I are pathetic children with little-to-no life skills and depend on our burly manservant to keep us alive.

In other words, I didn’t have my makeup on yet.

When we went downstairs to wait for our Lyft, the lobby was bustling with tour groups preparing for a day in NYC, and I felt a twinge of jealousy.

Originally, we were going to skip the convention on the second day and go to NYC instead since we were so close that we could actually see it from Newark and it was TANTALIZING. But then I ended up scoring that fan engagement for Up10tion on the day we registered, and that was scheduled for 11am on Saturday. We considered going after that, but I started to panic about all the unknowns: the traffic; getting engulfed by the dark underbelly of the city, never to resurface; being seduced by the bright lights and losing all track of time; getting stabbed in Central Park — YOU KNOW, ALL THE NORMAL NYC THINGS.

Plus, none of us have ever been to NYC (I’ve only been to JFK and LaGuardia airports, which don’t count) and would a few hours on a Saturday afternoon truly be enough to satiate the naive tourists in us? So we decided that we would come back another time, when we have nothing else to do, and can devote a whole weekend to shuffling around in fanny packs and sun visors.

Alas, our Lyft driver rolled up around 9:45 and Henry started tersely whispering, “Sit in the front. Erin, sit in the front. Please sit in the front.” And then as I slid into the backseat next to Chooch, “Fuck you.”

I guess he felt uncomfortable sitting in the passenger seat next to the young girl driver? Lol.

Chooch and I both preferred Friday’s Lyft driver over this one. Friday’s was super talkative, but Saturday’s was very stiff and quiet. She had vinyl stickers all over her car, begging for a five-star rating. Girl, Jessica Simpson was playing on your radio when we got in the car. No 5 stars for you.

This reminds me: the Lyft driver from KCON day one had on some Top 40 radio station from NYC and the DJs were talking about Charlie Puth, how in his latest song “Attention,” there is a part where his voice cracks a little, and how most pop singers would have been like, “I need to re-record this part” but Charlie was like, “No, keep it. This is real and my emotions caused this” or whatever. I’ve heard that song several times prior to this but never noticed the part they were talking about until they played it and isolated the exact word where his voice kind of turns into a whisper and it gave me actual chills. Now I have much more appreciation for Charlie Puth and have listened to that song a million times since that day because it moves me to tears.

I will always think of riding in the backseat of Lyft Driver Carolina’s car, past the Newark airport and into the industrial section of Newark, every time I hear this song.

The second day of the convention was mostly the same, but with different panels and fan engagements. We hit up all the booths again, filling up on more free samples, and this time we managed to get Henry in on the Drama Fever action. We chose the Goblin background this time but it was dumb with three of us because the whole point is that you’re supposed to wear a red scarf and then stand facing to the right with your arm outstretched so it looks like you’re pointing at the Goblin’s sword BUT WHATEVER IT’S FINE.

Every single person in line in front of us won at the wheel spinning thing so we had a feeling that we were about to kill the streak. Plus, the people remembered my Instagram name and I think they were like, “OH SHIT, CAN’T HAVE A DOUBLE WINNER!” so we lost, UGH. I was hoping to win a Twice fan engagement but WHATEVER IT’S FINE I’LL LIVE.

:(

We should have posted the picture on Chooch’s Instagram instead. I’m so stupid.

Aeound 10:30, I made my way to the area where the fan engagement lines were. Since I was just in the basic no hi-touch audience for this one, I felt much less stress. That is, until the boy in front of me dipped under the yellow queue tape because there was literally no one line so I followed suit AND WHO IS THE ONE WHO GOT YELLED AT? ME! THE SHEEP!

Ugh, that’s the second time I got scolded at one of these damn things! I will try harder to stand up straight and be a perfect Pollyanna rule abider next time! God I felt like such a dick! But then I also had rage because hello THAT GUY DID IT FIRST, yell at him, too. :(

But the next security person I encountered totally made up for it — she was such a character and really made the most of her job of checking our fan engagement tickets and clicking her little people-counter thing by interacting with us, dancing, and just being a damn fool. The girl several people in front of me apparently had a hi-touch card and the security lady was all, “OOOH SHIT GIRL, you in the WRONG LINE! You better get your butt over there so you can touch your cute little Korean boys!” and then she made sure the other security people let the girl into the correct line. It was so nice of her!

I loved that lady. Why couldn’t they all be as nice as her? :(

This time, I was smart and left my purse with Henry so that I didn’t get all held up in that fucking bag-check fuckarow again, although it seemed like they had sorted out the system by Saturday and the lines were moving pretty smoothly.

Similarly to KNK, I didn’t know much about Up10tion but these fan engagements really make it impossible to not fall in love with the groups, regardless of how well you know them. Kevin Woo was the MC for this one and they jokingly asked him to be their 10th member, since one of the guys left, taking them down to a nine-member group and making their name awkward. (Kevin Woo used to be in the kpop group U-Kiss, in case you didn’t know, but now he’s the host of an English kpop show in Seoul called After School Club. Now you know.)

Up10tion said that they were going to debut their new song “Runner” at the show that night, and then one of them sang a quick verse and I knew I was going to like it. Then some older woman in front of me farted, which was already horrible, but another woman was fanning herself with one of the cardboard fans that 7397498274 booths were handing out, and in the process she was essentially volleying the other lady’s fart right into my face at break-neck speeds. It was like fart-concentrate, not having the chance to disperse on its way to my nostrils. I was straight up gagging, you guys. Straight up gagging.

Even with the farts and scoldings for fake line-jumping, the Up10tion fan engagement was worth it. It was similar to KNK’s, in that there was a brief and language-barrier’d Q&A session, and then they also played charades (the audience’s category choice was overwhelmingly “animals” which was not my pick — I was in the minority who wanted them to act out kpop songs, but whatever). Super fucking fun though, especially watching their awkward display of aegyo.

(I’m obsessed with aegyo. I wish Henry more of it.)

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Meanwhile, Henry and Chooch were across the street in the other part of the convention that had all of the food and kpop vendors, but more importantly: the large, air-conditioned Amazon Mobile Masters tent. Chooch pretty much camped out in there and it was soooo boring to me. However, while I was in my fan engagement, Chooch got involved in some contest inside. There was an area with a bunch of Amazon Fires set up, and every so many hours there was a new game challenge going on. From 10-12, it was Crossy Roads. Chooch loves that game, and the top 3 high scores won prizes. First places got an Amazon Fire, and Chooch was determined to win. By the time I made my way over there, he had the current high score with 30 minutes left.

He was stalking that area like a cat looking for a mouse. All the Amazon volunteers thought it was hilarious and kept teasing him. “That guy’s coming close to beating your score, you want me to kick him?” one of them jokingly said to Chooch who looked like he was about to chew through his lip.

He was making me nervous with his pacing, so Henry and I went outside to look at all of the things he wouldn’t let me buy because I’m not a 16-year-old with a locker to decorate, UGH. However, I did buy a Twice pin at one of the booths, because they were raffling off a Twice Candybong (that’s what Twice’s light sticks are called,  I TEACH YOU SO MUCH!) and in order to enter, all you had to do was purchase one Twice-related item from their booth. I had my eye on the Twice zombie pin anyway, so I gladly bought it. The girl at the booth told me that I just had to put down my contact info on a clipboard after some other girl was finished with it, so I was standing there patiently when some fucking pushy dickhead guy came barreling through the crowd and said, “I WANT TO ENTER TOO” and started PULLING THE CLIPBOARD from the girl while she was still writing, I couldn’t even believe his audacity, maybe because I wasn’t raised to have total disregard for those around me, and it always blows my mind when I witness this kind of ME ME ME I WANT IT NOW behavior. It was the only disheartening moment of all of KCON, fan-wise, which I guess is a good thing. Most people were super chill and not pushy assholes at all.

“You have to buy something from this booth in order to enter,” I said, but he completely ignored me and went right on scribbling his shitty info down.

“He’s going to be the one who wins, too,” I cried to Henry afterward, who asked if I said something to the girl at the booth, but NO I DIDN’T because I’m tired of always being the fucking tattle-tale in life. I didn’t want some pointless confrontation to sully my experience at KCON so I chose to move on with my Twice pin shining brightly on my shorts next to G-Dragon. <3

(Spoiler: I didn’t win the Candybong.)

Back inside the Amazon tent, things were heating up. Chooch made frenemies with some guy who didn’t care about the challenge until he found out what the prizes were, and then he came close to beating Chooch’s score while Chooch was nervously hulking around, wringing his hands and dabbing his brow.

One of the Amazon guys came over and asked, “He yours?” and then started cracking up when I said sighed. Chooch won over all the Amazon people in there and I feel like they were would have been just as sad as Chooch if he lost.

Butttttt, he doesn’t lose. Because he’s freaking Good Luck Chooch. So then we had to stick around while the brat was presented with his Fire and got his picture taken in the Winner’s Chair.

Maybe I should have entered that Candybong raffle in Chooch’s name. :(

“I’m glad I came in first and not second because that prize was an Echo, and I already won one of those yesterday,” Chooch said with a wave of his hand, like the Echo was quite literally yesterday’s news. I can’t believe this kid and his luck.

I drowned my bitterness in a piping hot cup of ttkeokbokki after that and all was right in the world again.

Then after lunch, we were walking past the convention stage and the I Love K-Food people were there, tossing some of their products out into the crowd. OF COURSE Chooch’s grubby hand shot up and snatched the very last thing of ramen that was chucked.

Ugh.

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This video is actually from the first day, I think, but I can’t stress enough how much fun I had watching people dance. The dancing is really what drew me into kpop in the first place, because the exercise routines I do adapt a lot of moves from the music videos and incorporate it into the aerobics. I have very little rhythm and fail miserably anytime I try to learn legit choreography, but this method works for me. I wish I could do the official dances though! I’ll keep trying and hoping that it clicks.

After milling about for another hour or so, we decided to leave so that Chooch and I wouldn’t be totally drained at the concert later, like we had been the night before. That’s a lot of time under the sun. We wanted to get ice cream, anyway, and I can’t believe that there were no stands at KCON serving patbingsoo, or any type of bingsoo for that matter! What a disservice to the KCON patrons!

This was the line for one of the fan engagements as we were leaving.

We took a Lyft back to the hotel and grabbed our car. I found a place on my least favorite app, Yelp, called Nasto’s. It was supposed to be a classic establishment in Newark but I was more interested in going because of the name.

It turned out to be a good choice because they had a thing I’ve never heard of called tartufo – I had the peanut butter version and it was AMAZING. Like a large ice cream version of a buckeye.

Are buckeyes regional? I don’t know, but my Grandma Kelly used to make them all the time when I was a kid and they were the best buckeyes I’ve ever had. Literally just a small nug of PB coated with glorious chocolate. The best. So this was like an inflated one of those, with a delicious mound of vanilla ice cream underneath that cap of chocolate, with ribbons of sweet-ass peanut butter swirling through it like candied veins. Ugh, it was so good that Chooch immediately ordered one too after just seeing mine.

Henry got a scoop of cannoli and something else that he can’t remember because he’s lame. I feel like we were not getting along around this time for some reason and it probably had nothing to do with the fact that I needed a nap.

Copying me.

I consulted Roadside America for some adventure ideas but almost everything was in NYC. I did find some type of cemetery that had like, tunnels in it or something, that wasn’t too far away. Henry was so angry because we ended up having to go over some toll bridge, and then I started flipping out because I looked to the right and the Statue of Liberty was RIGHT THERE, like very close, and I am seriously terrified of the Statue of Liberty, to the point where I’m pretty certain I will never be able to tour it like a true American and that’s something that I will have to carry with me on my own, OK, so don’t try to reason with me!

But then NYC was right there too, a stone’s throw away, and Chooch was freaking out because he wanted to go so badly and I did too (mostly because there are 58 different ice cream places over there on my list) but there was just no way we could swing it. And then the cemetery we were looking for turned out to be super small with no parking and some type of festival/farmers market was happening so we were like FUCK THIS and went back to the hotel to get some rest before the concert, and by “get some rest,” I mean that Chooch and I went to the fitness room and proceeded to sweat our asses off like maniacs training for the Giddy Olympics while Henry went to Subway to get us dinner.

Only one more part left to go of the KCON saga. OMG, can you manage to trudge through to the end?!

Well guys, I can’t think of anything better to cap off an excruciatingly long week than a picture of a cat so please consider this photo of my cat Drew an offering to the gods for next week to be more exciting/faster/interesting. 

Bonus words: We went to Gianna Via’s for dinner tonight, after walking into Frank & Shirleys and being greeted by a surly waitress who looked at us then promptly glanced at the clock on the wall—we took that as her unspoken bitch way to communicate that they were closing in 15 minutes. WELL MAYBE POST YOUR EVER-CHANGING HOURS SOMEWHERE, ASSHOLES. I might just remove them from infamous Pittsburgh Travel thing that I post once a year. 

Anyway, we had a better meal at Gianna Via’s anyway but our waitress was way too involved and even held the menu for Henry when he asked to see the beer list. 

“Why couldn’t I hold the menu?” he whispered when she walked away. This was after she discouraged him from ordering the banana peppers on his Stromboli and talked him into the Italian peppers because they were sweeter and he would like them better. 

HOW DOES SHE KNOW. 

OMG HENRY IS CHEATING ON ME. 

There was a really tense moment of silence while Henry couldn’t decide what to do. I wanted him to still get the banana peppers, really stick it to her (NO, NOT IN HER UGH), but ultimately he fell victim to her mind control and said, “Uh yeah, you know what? I’m not really in the mood for something really hot tonight. I’ll have the Italian peppers.”

What would your SERVICE friends think about you, Henry??

Anyway, Chooch the Baby asked for a kid’s menu because CRAYONS. The menu had one of those “how many words can you make” games on it and this was the very first word he found:

Yeah, this is how you know you watch too much Korean TV and that your kid is subconsciously absorbing it all in the background. 

(“Maknae” means the youngest, as in: “Seungri is the maknae of BigBang.”)

Gianna Via’s was jam-packed with lots of fat old men in golf shirts. Just in case you were wondering. 

I need to take a pill to inspire me to catch up on here. What pill would that be? Adderal, probs.

My life lately is this teddy bear. Also, try your hardest to move past that “loose” up in there – I know it’s *cringe* but the song and video are good. I like Heize. Her name reminds me of Heinz and I’m from Pittsburgh so that shit is mixed with my blood, you know?

I think I have officially worn myself out. My body parts be like “Bitch, we fucking fatigued. Lay us the fuck down.” So I’m trying to “rest” but that’s not working out very well. Anyway, here’s some bullets. 

• I really want this shirt ^^^ that I saw in one of the early episodes of Goblin.
• Did you know that if your head gets cut off, you’re still conscious for 15 seconds? Chooch just told me that. Everyone say thanks, Chooch.
  • Speaking of decapitation, does it cost extra to have your head sewn back on for the funeral services?
    • I interviewed for a job once at a funeral home when I was in college and one of the job duties was styling the hair of the dead people. I was really stoked about that! I was offered the job but couldn’t take it because of my dumb night classes at Pitt. I wonder where I’d be right now in life had that worked out differently.

• I was almost back in the painting groove again….but then June happened. June was a terrible month. It was the lowest I’ve been in a very long time and I’m not sure if I’d be here writing this right now if it wasn’t for Henry and Chooch. They’re like my pool floats. My water-wings. MY HONEY BUNNIES.  MY LAMBY WAMBIES. Sorry. You never know when I’m going full-blown Back to the Beach quote-mode. Anyway, I managed to eke out two paintings before going back into retirement. I’m the fakest artist ever, you people.

• I took this picture last week so my face is even closer now, but it still feels sooooo far away! Some of my co-workers get excited if I forget to move my face because then they get to do it. If it’s my enemy Lou, he puts it on upside down. :( The other day, I was telling some of my work friends how stressed I am about what I’m going to wear to the G-Dragon show, and Lori suggested that I dress like G-Dragon, like put together something inspired by one of his famous looks. But then Lauren said that HENRY should dress like G-Dragon (I think this how the conversation went – I eat a lot of Asian candy from the Pumpkin of Horrors every day and I think my brain is rotting) and this is basically the best idea ever. Henry is not down with it and said that he hates Lauren and Lori now. WOW.
  • I have to find him a flesh-colored turtleneck.
  • In Pumpkin of Horrors news, this  latest batch I procured from Hmart is full of more hits than misses! I mean, there is one kind that Glenn calls the roast beef candy because it starts out oddly savory but then turns delightful. One of the mail ladies (Betty, the one who told me a few mths ago that she tried one on her own and thought she went down to the sewer — that’s what happens when I’m not there to supervise!) started asking me questions about where I shop for my candy and Todd said he felt like I was being interviewed and was so nervous that I was going to mess up. Lauren, however, said it sounded like I had waited my whole life for someone to stop and talk to me about my candy, and something about MY CANNED RESPONSES?!
• Today was Chooch’s first day at Camp Chronica! Chris has graciously offered to let Chooch hang out at their house one or two times a week while we’re in childcare limbo, and we couldn’t be more grateful – plus, Chooch is in his glory. Chris is one of his favorite people in the whole world. I had to give him a stern talk this morning though about not impeding on her work and not pissing on her toilet ugh. Anyway, he got to hang out with her sister Amy and make a whale plushie! Chris sent me a video of Chooch using a sewing machine and now I have all these plans to buy him his own one so that he can make shit for me. OMG LIKE MY OWN SWEAT SHOP!
  • I showed Amber and Todd the whale plushie and now they want to go to Camp Chronica, too.
  • Monica is making him a list of chores.

• I went to lunch on Sunday with BARB and of course she had a present for Chooch ugh (she had one for me too but I just like to focus on the negative). When he saw it, he tore his other shirt off and said, “I’LL NEVER WEAR ANOTHER SHIRT AGAIN!” Spoiler: he wore a different shirt the next day because I made him change.
• I hate how terrible and vicious money (or lack-thereof) makes people. Constantly disappointed and disgusted in humanity.

• On Monday, Wendy decided at the last minute that she wanted to have lunch with me and Lori. I think it was just because she left her work ID at home and didn’t want to use mine because it’s inside a purple fluffy Pusheen thingie with a G-Dragon keychain attached to it so she decided to just take me with her when she went outside. And Lori got to come too because she was wearing a cute rompery jumpsuit thing that day and you know what they say: wear a cute rompery jumpsuit, get asked to lunch. Anyway, we went to Condado and had bomb tacos. It was like Happy Dog in Cleveland where you get to build your own combinations on an order sheet thingie and I had such stress over it because I’m notorious for creating disgusting flavor profiles, mismatching ethnic cuisines, and just overall making very poor ordering choices. We had a really cool waiter but I thought he was going to yell at me, crumble up my order and tell me to start over, but instead, he glanced at it and said I did a good job! I think he was probably just checking to make sure all my circles were properly penciled. One of my tacos had lime tofu and something creamy on it, this was definitely the best one and I think they should put it on the menu and name it the Erin Got Lucky. The other one had BBQ jackfruit and it was ok but I think things went awry when I was choosing a sauce because something was misaligned. But still – it was a taco and it was a million times better than the Cream of Wheat I was originally planning on making with the hot water dispenser on the coffee maker at work. (As opposed to the tedious oatmeal that needs baked in the microwave, ugh, kill me.)

• We went to the park yesterday for some 4th of July outdoorsiness because who wants to sit inside doing nothing but talking shit on people all day. We’re kind of out of the nature-loop, but apparently there is some rock hide-n-seek game going on, so that was fun, finding these rocks and then moving them like a foot away because we suck at hiding things.
  • Meanwhile, Chooch had his bike with him and let me tell you something about Chooch: athletic he is not. He makes Henry and me cringe when he rides his bike, but everyone is all, “HE IS A BOY. IT WILL BE FINE” so I’m like “OK if you say so” as I’m watching him from behind finger-slats as he rides over a gorge. At one point, we were on a curvy path and I could see him through a patch of trees as he turned around to come back to where we were walking. “Let’s hide!” I said, pulling Henry behind a tree with me. So we were giddily standing behind this tree trunk, all stock-like, nervously breathing when we realized after awhile that it was taking him longer than it should have to make it back to where we were. “He saw us, so now he’s hiding too,” Henry hypothesized. We eventually conceded and stepped out from behind the tree. “Where the hell is he?” I cried, looking around the empty path. And then I saw him dragging his bike, and himself, up a hill. “I’m OK! I just accidentally rode down this hill, but I’m OK!” OMG he’s the worst. Every time he turns his head, his bike turns with him, so that’s probably what happened. He saw a squirrel or something and then the next thing he knew, he was off the trail and crash-landing at the bottom of a hill. THAT’S MA BOY.

• We walked to Dormont Park last night to watch the fireworks. I usually skip this tradition because I’m of the “if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all” mentality, but Chooch wanted to meet his buddy Dimajio down there so we decided to all go as like, a family thing. It was kind of dumb, action-wise, but nice to just chill with Henry and people-watch. We were sitting to a bunch of middle school Meghan Trainors who thought they were HOT SHIT, and some cover band was playing Journey, BUT AT LEAST WE WERE TOGETHER. Chooch came back over to us when the fireworks started and I was like, “OMG HE CHOSE US OVER DIMAJIO!” but it was just because Dimajio was playing basketball or something and we were Chooch’s back-up plan. “After awhile, it’s just like…loud lights,” Chooch mused, and we were like, “Um, yes, you’re correct.” I get bored after the first two minutes, because I just want the whole thing to be the grand finale. However, I always say, “Ooooh” whenever it’s the gold sizzling ones, because those are my forever faves.
  • Henry and I were originally sitting on a part of the grass that was eventually roped off with ACTUAL CRIME SCENE TAPE by some dopey-looking cop, who is definitely the little go-fer boy of the precinct. Apparently, we had chosen the zone where the ash and firework carcasses drop from the sky, so we had to move. That was pretty much the most action that happened all night.

I still have to wrap-up my KCON recaps and regale the Internet with pictures of furries from the Anthrocon parade, and I’ll get there. But tonight, my brain was not about that organized thought life.

This was taken before the show started, which is why there are so many empty seats. 

When Twice and CNBlue were announced as two of the groups performing at this year’s KCON, Henry knew there was no way  out of it. My love for Twice knows no bounds and Yong Hwa, the lead singer of CNBlue, is one of my favorite Running Man guest stars. Those two groups alone were worth it to me.

When we bought our tickets, it was just me and Henry going but then at the last minute, Chooch decided he wanted to go as well. Tickets for the concert were pretty steep, and not only that but if we bought a third ticket, someone would have to sit alone. Henry the Martyr gave up his ticket so that Chooch could experience the awe and majesty that is Kpop live.

Henry did admit though that he was a bit sad about it because he had some curiosity of what it was going to be like. It’s not everyday you get to see Kpop groups perform live in the States. It’s not like skipping a Dave Matthews Band concert because you know you can just see them again next year. With Kpop, YOU NEVER KNOW!

Concert entry line-up started around 6 so Henry reminded us not to talk to strangers and then peaced out back to the hotel.  It took over an hour for us to get inside the Prudential Center, even with all the specific lines that were designated for each ticket tier. I wasn’t too concerned though because we had seats so it’s not like we needed to be OMG First. (I still had a little bit of that urgency bubbling up inside me though, ugh.)

Security was especially dickish at this place, screaming at everyone in line and mocking the people who were told to throw out all the food samples they were given at the convention. We’re talking full-sized packages of Korean snacks, you guys. Bowls of instant ramen, pitched. People were arguing that it was stuff given to them from convention booths but security gave no fucks and pointed out the garbage cans. I was thankful that Henry took all of our stuff back to the hotel with him, because we had A LOT of food in our bags.

Chooch was really angry about this and I told him blogging about it might be a good exercise of stress relief but then he was like “Wow, suddenly I’m not mad anymore, bye.”

As soon as we made it through security, Chooch wanted a $7 soft pretzel.

“This is why they don’t want you bringing food in here,” I said sadly, withdrawing from Chooch’s college fund.

The tickets I bought were the second cheapest being offered. They went on sale after I sold my soul for G-Dragon tickets, so I’m lucky I was able to buy tickets AT ALL. We were in the nosebleed section for sure, but there was still somehow one level higher than us. It was so steep and scary.

“Well, I guess we won’t be standing during this one,” I laughed, gripping onto the backs of the seats as we slowly shuffled down the row to our designated spots, but Chooch was like THANK GOD because he hates standing at shows.

There was a preshow, hosted by Kevin Woo. We got to watch people win flights to Korea, ugh. The one girl was all, “I want to go to M Countdown and hopefully see BTS….again!” and Chooch and I were puking in our hands. The Olympic committee guys were there again and everyone applauded them loudly — I loved all the Olympic spirit that was happening at KCON! I usually don’t like the winter Olympics (Summer all the way) but obviously I’m super stoked for these ones.

The concert started promptly at 7:30, with KNK! I TOUCHED THEM! I kept reminding Chooch, who was like, “I KNOW, I GET IT!”

The screaming could have been unbearable, but I was SO INTO the whole atmosphere of this thing, that it was only making me incredibly giddy! I couldn’t believe that I was getting to see all of these amazingly beautiful kpop groups perform live, outside of YouTube!

KNK was so great, as expected. They only performed three songs, because the whole purpose of this concert was that it was supposed to be like the Korean weekly music show, M Countdown, where current popular artists come on and perform their chart-toppers. So it’s more like a sampling rather than a full set, and we were totally OK with that. The set-up was perfect for someone like Chooch, with a short and stubby attention span.

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Chooch has no opinion of KNK and said that he can’t keep KNK, Up10tion, and SF9 apart.

Next, Yuju from Gfriend and Dongwoon from Highlight came out and performed Beauty & the Beast, in a special nod to Broadway. I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry during this, and we all know by now that I might be a terrible person, but a liar I’m not. (I mean, look how often my honesty gets me in trouble.)

What I really loved about this part of the concert is that it highlighted (lol) the sickeningly beautiful voices of kpop idols that often get overshadowed by the choreography-heavy stage performances. When it’s all stripped down like this, their voices are able to shine and it’s a great reminder that not only are kpop stars beautiful and sick dancers, but they can fucking sang, y’all.

Chooch: “One of the only Beauty & the Beast songs I know, and it was so sweet.”

The next group to perform was SF9 and I barely knew anything about them, but based on the reaction of the crowd, these boys are way more popular than I realized. The girl in front of me threw her head back in such robust ecstasy that I thought she was going to break my shin bone thing.

They were so freaking good!!

https://instagram.com/p/BV-9osnBNqu/

So the Fortune Wheel was bizarre. SF9 performed like two songs and then stopped to give their obligatory fan service, which just so happened to be “spinning” the Fortune Wheel.  Chooch and I were like “dafuq is happening right now” because these are not things that happen at the shows we’re accustomed to! But it turned out to be pretty entertaining and we got to see the personalities of the group members really shine outside of their tightly choreographed performances. It was slightly awkward because they were speaking 99% in Korean and we had to try and read the subtitles on the screens, which were in LIGHT BLUE FONT.

Anyway, they chose some basic brunette named Paige in the front of the P1 stage area and then two of them proposed to her and it was so dumb but also slightly adorable and she was like kind of crying and swooning through the whole thing, but then couldn’t pick which proposal was better so she picked all of them, what a cop-out. This song-and-dance went on FOREVER when all we really wanted was ACTUAL SONG-AND-DANCE. GIVE US THE SONG-AND-DANCE. Fuck Paige in P1!

Chooch: “God, they took so long with that, it was basically all that and no concert!”

Here is the best SF9 song, in my opinion. Also, SF stands for Sensational Feeling, lol.

Next up, finally, was Gfriend! I only know of them through Sarahkpop, one of my go-to kpop dance workout channels on YouTube. One of the first kpop routine of hers that I did was to a GFriend song, almost two years ago. Admittedly though, the only song I was really anticipating was “Fingertip,” which is their current hit.

I felt that out of all the groups, they were the most awkward when doing the standard introductions. Yerin was unable to be there due to “scheduling conflicts” which is confusing to me because if your actual job is being in a kpop idol group, shouldn’t your schedule be the same as the schedules of the other members? But what do I know!

Of course, when they performed “Fingertip,” everyone went nuts. Chooch said they were his favorite of the whole night and gee, I can’t imagine why.

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I thought they were fun, but they were missing the charisma that seems more prevalent in girl groups like Twice, Red Velvet, SNSD, etc. Maybe I need to watch more of their variety show appearances, though, before I start judging.

Chooch: “They were very shy and like, nervous I guess?”

OK, the next act was someone I was really anticipating: Zion.T! He’s collaborated with G-Dragon in the past, and I just really love his R&B style. There aren’t many solo Korean artists that stand out to me, but he is for sure someone who doesn’t need the support of a idol group. He can command a stage all on his own, without choreography even! Oh man, I thought he was so smooth and totally enjoyable. Henry doesn’t like him because he’s been on Infinite Challenge in the past and Henry thinks he looks like a jerk. #jealous

Anyway, he came out behind a piano and did a few lines from “Complex” and I thought I was going to faint. If G-Dragon had walked out for his part, I probably would be writing this from some Newark mental hospital right now.

Chooch: “He was good, I don’t know.”

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The headliners of night one was Highlight, and I was very curious about this one. So a quick background: they were originally known as BEAST, and they were very popular. One of the guys in Beast, Hyunseung, was actually in the running to be a member of BIGBANG back before they debuted in 2006, but he was eliminated in the end in favor of Seungri (I literally can’t imagine BIGBANG without Seungri and it gives me a stomachache every time I think about how close he was to not being in the group). Hyunseung went on to join another agency, and then became one of the original members of Beast. Anyway, he eventually left to pursue a solo career a few years back, and the rest of Beast recently re-debuted as Highlight. There was a lot of criticism when this happen – it seemed like fans really hated the name and wanted them to just remain as Beast. I don’t know, none of this affected me at all.

Chooch: “Highlight was good, my ear drums exploded, but that’s OK.”

They had such great stage presence and energy! The girls around us were fucking screaming their throats raw. I thought the girls behind me were 13, but I turned around at one point and saw that they were definitely in their mid-to-late 20s and it just made it even better. Kpop inspires mass hysteria, you guys! Chooch’s eyes kept bugging out because of the surround sound shrieks he had to endure all night.

Highlight also did the Fortune Wheel, but theirs was short n’ sweet – they just had to take a selfie. 

https://instagram.com/p/BWIYm4kB9MS/

At the end of the night, all of the artists were introduced again for the goodbye stage and I legit shed some tears.  The whole night, I just kept thinking, “I can’t believe I’m here! I can’t believe I’m seeing this!” Kpop has really turned my life around, as ridiculous as that sounds, and I was just so full of life in tha moment….

….but also really fucking tired.  Chooch and I screamed and applauded until the very last group left the stage, but we were beat, man. Having been outside in the sun-sizzle from 8:30am-7:00pm really took a toll on us and Chooch was close to full-fledged slumber during Zion.T, I think. 

Our Lyft driver Papa H was waiting for us outside and after failing to find an easily accessible place to eat, we ended up eating at the questionable restaurant in our hotel, where I had a veggie wrap stuffed with an entire bag of veggies from the freezer section (crinkle cut carrits, squash, and zucchini — not wrap-appropriate vegetables!). Chooch and I had to fight to keep from nodding off while Henry was wide awake having slept all night while we were in the concert, ugh. 

Day 1 was just too exciting! I couldn’t wait to wake up and do it all over again. MORE LATER!

Much to Henry’s chagrin, Chooch and I enjoy traipsing through the alleys of Brookline. There’s just something so DANGEROUS about it that gives us a thrill, you know? Plus, there’s a discarded flat screen TV laying back there and Chooch likes to kick it. 

I dunno where he gets that destructive urge. 

One time we walked past a bunch of kids smoking pot and Chooch was amazed that his old, square mom knew what pot smells like. 

Ugh. 

We were actually just walking through one of the alleys last night (Henry was horrified when he later found out) and we decided that we would just act like blind kids if we accidentally saw a drug deal or murder.

We think things through sometimes. 

Also last night, the old Polish guy up the street with the stinky produce vans made us stop on the sidewalk and admire the new solar-powered lights he put on his house. It was a nice neighborly moment. 

Also last night, we left the house without telling Henry. 

“What do you think Daddy will do when he finds out we’re missing?” Chooch asked, as though we had run away. 

“He’ll probably say, ‘I’m going to call 911….but first I’ll have an ice cream!'” I said in the Bullwinkle-like voice I adopt whenever I’m being terrible and mocking Henry. 

“We have ice cream?!” Chooch cried, scanning his mental inventory of the freezer. 

“No, but I always imagine that daddy has a secret freezer in the basement, filled with Klondikes,” I shrugged, and then we started talking about Henry stuffing our bodies in the freezer because we’re dark-minded. 

“Someday when you’re older and I’m dead, you’re going to think back to our walks through the scuzzy bowels of Brookline and miss it,” I said on our walk today. 

“Um…sure. I guess,” said Chooch with NO CONVICTION. 

This has been a KCON interlude. Recapping that convention is exhausting and also making me sad because I miss it and want to be talking about 24:7 but to WHOM?!

When my life is 80% daydreaming about Korean stuff, 20% sludging through another basic American day, a convention like KCON gives me life. For two days, I was able to be around other people who also appreciate the culture and the joys this beautiful country brings into our lives, rather than be giving strange looks because I prefer Running Man over the Bachelor or gochujang over BBQ sauce. And so what if I eat kimchi for a snack at work? 

The Hallyu wave has engulfed your girl and there’s no fighting the undertow.

This is my third attempt at writing this thing: the first two times WordPress was s douchebag and didn’t save my edits. So at this point, we’re going the pictures/captions route because I have nothing left to give. Wah.

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Also, real quick because I know there is a popular misconception that I use some kind of crazy vaginal sorcery to brainwash Henry isn’t doing my bidding: he is actually pretty down with the Korean craze as well. I mean, not as much as I am obviously because it takes a certain kind of bipolar nutjob to basically let one obsession with a music genre totally rebrand your entire lifestyle, but he does actually like most of the idol groups (not BTS though, inexplicably) and he genuinely enjoys cooking Korean cuisine and sends me articles about Running Man that he reads on k-gossip sites. We finally have something that we’re enjoying together!

Now if only I can get him to do KpopX fitness videos with me…

All that being said, I’m going to try and cast one of my witchy spells to get him to help me write this post.

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Chooch French-fried me at the McDonald’s booth, where we got these cute reusable bags that proved to be invaluable as we collected free shit every time we turned around. I was really annoyed that the guy who took the picture didn’t take a second one!

Tous les Jours is a French bakery chain in Korea. I know – I was unsure at first too.  But the stuff I tried was so good and had a great Korean twist to French classics. I’d give anything for another piece of milkbread right about now.

Anyway, the only thing Chooch cared about from this place was the fact that a $10 purchase got you a battery-powered mini-fan. The first one he got didn’t work (user error probably) but later in the day, Henry threw down another $10 on beverages and Chooch finally got to have man-made air blown into his overheated face.

“When you can’t afford real friends” – Chooch

There was an entire section of the convention dedicated to the Winter Olympics! Here is Chooch standing with a cutout of the group Highlight.

“Keep walking maybe she won’t follow” – Henry

Chooch got so much free shit, it was incredible. This wasn’t even all of it. The I Love K-Food booths were giving away so many foodstuffs, just by playing games like Plinko and spinning a wheel.

The best part about the vendors and booths is that they were all blaring their own playlists, so it was literally Kpop cacophony.: A/K/A FUCKING DELIGHTFUL. 

“When your mom makes you take pictures with someone you barely even know about” – Chooch.

” Don’t be fooled, he knows who they are.” – Henry

Ha Ha and Gwangsoo from Running Man are K-Food spokespeople! It was so exciting for me to see their likeness outside in the real world, among so many other people who also knew who they were! (They’re my two favorite people from Running Man! If/when Henry and I split, I’m going to add to my “H” knuckle tattoo so it spells Ha Ha.)

Some of the awesome k-beauty products I bought from the Nature Twenty booth. I wanted everything!

“You’re already beautiful enough, you don’t need any of that stuff” – Henry

Song Joong-ki!!!! <333333

“Me and the gang” – Chooch.

“Little did I know, they were going to pick from the opposite side of the tree I hung mine” – Chooch.

If you hung your wish on the Wishing Tree, you were eligible for a drawing later that day. The prizes were an iPad, concert tickets, and fan engagements. Dumb Chooch didn’t win for once. They had some actual men from the PyeongChang Olympics committee there picking the winning wishes! That was pretty cool. Pairing the Olympics with KCON was extremely smart marketing.

GAHHHHH KOREAN FOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

“Choices were pretty slim, though the ones there were good.”- Henry

We all ate lunch from the Korilla booth. I had the tofu taco, Henry had some type of meat taco, and Chooch had veggie mandu. Plus Henry and I split an order of Kim-cheese fries, which was my kimchi fix. I think I’m addicted to that shit, you guys.

My favorite food stall was the traditional Korean beverage guys, though. They served me up some ice cold sikhye (a wonderfully sweet rice drink) and it was divine.

(Chooch apparently hates the word divine, at least my usage of it, so now I want to use it a lot, maybe change his name to it and stick some PINK FLAMINGOS in the yard.)

G-friend was at the AT&T tent at one point so Chooch climbed on a cement thing and got a picture of two of them. 

“When I realized I’m not athletic”- Chooch

“Piano lessons to continue” – Henry

“Slide to the left. J/k” – Chooch

I asked Henry why he and I don’t wear matching couple outfits like those two in the pink hats and he was quick to point out that those two weren’t a couple, but a girl and her gay friend, which I thought was presumptuous because why does a guy in tight shortalls have to be gay?

Anyway, this was during a G-friend “Fingertip” choreography lesson, which was pretty boring to watch. Maybe when I’m a certified KpopX instructor, I can have my own demonstrations at KCON!!!!!!!!!!1111111

That girl back there in the yellow shirt is a super annoying YouTuber.

“We at least agreed on that” – Henry

“When your fam just leaves you” – Chooch.

“When your fam ‘thinks’ they left you.” – Henry

This was right before Henry made friends with a NEWARK COP while Chooch and I were waiting for the PyeongChang wishing tree drawing. He was so proud of it too! Later, Chooch and I saw an old ass cop scoot by on a Segway and I was certain it was Henry’s new boytoy in blue, but then when we were leaving the convention that day, some younger cop jovially smiled and waved to Henry like they knew each other.

“That’s my new cop friend!” Henry said, full of pride.

Wow.

Anyway, I made this picture b&w because Henry is always head-to-toe grayscale so what does it even matter.

That fucking Tous les Jour fan.

“It’s not a ‘fucking’ Tous les Jour fan. It’s a FREAKING Tous les Jour fan” – Chooch.

Random acoustic set from a guy and girl but it wasn’t in Korean so I lost interest. 

“That face you make when you’re not ready” – Chooch. (“If it was Daddy, I would say, ‘That face you make when you see a girl'” – Chooch.)

My people. I loved how diverse the demographic was!

“When you’re 11 and driving. I don’t know.” – Chooch.

Chooch got to play some crazy-ass crane machine controlled by a Toyota CH-R (they called it the CH-rane game) and won a Line Friends notebook. He was salty because it took him so long in the day to finally play and by that time, they were all out of the Line Friends plushies. This was somehow Henry’s fault. 

“When you eat kimchi unknowingly and like it” – Chooch

Seriously, I was like, “Hey Chooch peep this Korean pancake, you’ll love it” BUT IT WAS KIMCHI JEON. Henry makes a delicious jeon, you guys. So maybe when we’re in Korea, he’ll be able to supplement his Subway meals with the occasional jeon.

That moment you catch Henry getting brochures from someone at the Korea Tourism Organization booth and fall in love with the bearded dope all over again.

Chooch was on the prowl for more shit to win.

“When you try to find new parents” – Chooch.

“When you’re tired AF and still forced to get a picture taken” – Chooch.

Chooch looks like he got beat up in his attempt to get a Highlight sign to take into the concert, but really this is just what his legs always look like because HELLO 11 YEAR OLD BOY. He falls off his bike everyday, I think.

And that was Day one of the convention! Concert recap coming soon. 

Hi guys it’s us, Dumb & Dumber. We decided to sneak up on Henry at the laundromat and at the end of the 35 minute walk there, we didn’t see his car (after Chooch was trying to make me paranoid that Henry was actually downtown at Blush).

I texted him and said “What are you doing?” He said “Folding.”

FOLDING WHAT, BENJAMINS INTO G-STRINGS?

So I called him and acted all weird and he was like WHAT IS GOING ON so Chooch grabbed the phone and spilled the beans and Henry was all “You dumbasses.”

OH TURNS OUT HENRY HAS BEEN GOING TO A NEW LAUNDROMAT.

So now we’re in Dollar General killing time because we want Henry to pick us up because the walk home is like all up hill and we didn’t plan this far ahead, and of course I don’t have my wallet so I can’t even buy us snacks and we’re just walking around looking at generic snacks, acting like we’re starving orphans, waiting for Henry to come and adopt us while singing along to Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber.

Omg we look so suspicious and creepy.

Bye!

ETA: Henry came and got us at the original laundromat because Chooch went over there to pee and use the vending machine. We got in the car and Henry said, “Idiots.”

He just said he wishes he had gone to that laundromat because he’d have had us help fold. Ugh.