6:29am: We’re on our way out of Toronto and I am so sad! I would totally live here. I feel like this was one of the few times where we came somewhere specifically for a concert but managed to make the most of our time here. This is the first time we’ve been on our car since we got here on Friday! Fuck cars! Toronto’s public transportation is way better than Pittsburgh’s (I mean obviously). 
I am going to have such terrible withdrawal from this weekend. :(

Meanwhile, Halsey’s voice really grates on me sometimes.

6:38am: we just drove past a movie theater and I haven’t heard of one single movie being played. That’s how infrequently I watch TV these days. At first I was kind of horrified that I’m so out of the loop, but now I think I’m glad for it. 

7:35am: “How did the sun get in front of us? It was behind us when we left…” – Pondering, with Head-Scratching Hank

I had to suck it up and get a latte from Starbucks. It’s fine. 

Henry just sneezed and I didn’t say bless you because in Korea, blessing people for sneezing isn’t a thing and I love that because it’s so stupid! Why do we make such a big deal out of sneezing?! Literally, someone got dust in their dumb nose and we’re interrupting our lives to give them a blessing that doesn’t mean shit because none of us are the fucking Pope no matter what the snakes under your bed tell you. 

8:17am: Just drove through Niagara – it costs $22 to park here! We’ve both been to the Falls numerous times so we were like FUCK THAT (THUNDERING WATERFALL) NOISE and also Chooch would probably murder us if we went without him. Sigh. I’m mostly only interested in the Clifton Hill tourist trap area but none of that kitschy shit is open yet anyway so WHO CARES. UGH. 

And now henry is yelling at the GPS which is my favorite part of road trips. #eyerollemoji

8:29am: Came back to US via the Rainbow Bridge this time and it was a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE. The Border Patrol guy was so nice and even joked with us and it took maybe 25 seconds to pass. Thanks, G-Dragon. <3

9:21am: Henry needed to pretend like he was earning a Boy Scout badge so we ended up stopping at the US side of the falls where we only paid $3 to park and an additional $2.50 (total) to go on the observation deck and take the elevator down to water. It was terrifying. My legs were shaking but not nearly as bad as they were shaking last night when G-Dragon was within literal feet of me. That will forever be the way I measure my leg-shake-age from now on. On a scale of one to GD. 

10:15am: Stopped at Uncle Joe’s Diner in Hamburg, NY even though one of the Yelp reviews was all ITS TOO FLASHY BOOOOO! We didn’t eat breakfast so I don’t give a shit if they say us next to Liberace in a fucking disco ball, ok, just fucking feed my face. 

10:42am: Oh my sweetly spanked Mussolini, this is the first wrap in about 13 previous wraps that was served to me as advertised. Thank you, Flashy Joe’s. 

Meanwhile I just started crying again because I never thought I’d be that close to g-dragon and henry just sighed, “Great, now the waitress is going to think something is wrong.”

11:22am: AHHH we just drove past a sign for Chatauqua Lake and I’m regaling Henry with stories from when my friend Kim and I went with our friend Liz and her family to their cabin there in 1992 and it spawned so many memories and inside jokes like U Nork and Smrobably and freaking out over Panavision and me listening to my Damn I Wish I Was Lover cassingle constantly on my yellow Aiwa Walkman. 

GOOD FUCKING TIMES. 

Our friend Kelli was supposed to go too but she had chicken pox and WE WERE ALL MAD AT HER ANYWAY SO WHO CARES. 

Oh middle school. 

1:01pm: We’re right outside of Mercer whatever that means. I’ve been AWOL for awhile because I’ve been making Henry rehash every last second of last night’s show like ahhhhhhh. He’s being a good sport about it. He’s excited because he saw three people there that we saw in a card shop in Koreatown on Saturday. (I only spotted one.) Henry is a gold medalist in people-watching. 

2:39pm: Almost home! In Dormont! (That means like 5 more minutes, FYI) Chooch is at the doctor’s office while his grandma is having her weekly therapy and he just called us from the bathroom acting like he was in a hostage situation. “Please come get me!” Lol. We also found out that Janna completely spoiled him rotten all weekend! He’s such a brat. We owe her big time for watching him. HAT TIPS ALL AROUND FOR JANNA!

Oh, and this happened too;

Janna said Chooch chose the podcast. His interests are very diverse. 

Ok I’m ending this now because I want to go in my house, flop on the couch, and start sobbing again about how magical my birthday was. I have the best boyfriend/non-husband. 

Today is not only just my birthday, but it’s also the day I get to see G-Dragon, like—be under the same roof as G-Dragon! I’m going to be a mess and super annoying all day so be grateful that I’m Henry’s super annoying messy problem and not yours. 

I tried to talk henry into going to the airport with me yesterday to wait for him but he was all, “THATS WHAT KIDS DO.” He did go as far as looking up flight arrivals though but all the ones coming in from NY had already happened for the day. So then all day and night I was on G-Dragon Watch, which angered henry because WHY WOULD G-DRAGON BE GETTING OUT OF AN ECONOLINE VAN? And WHY WOULD G-DRAGON BE BUYING A BANANASPLIT FROM THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK? And WHY WOULD THAT SHADOW BE G-DRAGONS WHEN IT BELONGS TO SOME REGULAR GUY TRYING TO PASS YOU ON SIDEWALK BC YOURE IN ANOTHER G-DRAGON DAZE?!

This is Henry’s life. All of my ex-boyfriends are rejoicing. 

I’ve been up since 6am because I’m just too excited to sleep! I can’t remember the last time it was like this for me. Gotta cling to those little joys, you guys! I hope everyone has a wonderful day today—I’m sprinkling my G-Dragon energy out there for all to enjoy!

OMG WE’RE ON OUR WAY, G-DRAGON! Today is definitely a live-blogging occasion. 

7:47am: We’re officially on our way to Toronto and Henry has  already called someone an a-hole and a dickwad because he’s so fucking PG-13 (and no it wasn’t me!). Oh wait, he just called me a smart ass and said it’s not too late for him to just drop me off at work. Ugh. (It’s true though – we’re going to pass downtown here in about 30 seconds. GOODBYE WORK FRIENDS!! I hope someone moves my face ahead one day on the calendar!)

When we were getting ready to leave, Henry found this in his suitcase:

Well-played, Chooch! 

Henry got some hipster trail mix that has mulberries in it. I haven’t thought about mulberries since I was a kid and my brother Ryan and I found mysterious berries on a tree in the backyard and ate the FUCK out of them, causing my mom to panic because she didn’t know what they were. Turns out they were mulberries and we lived to tell the tale! I used to call them “mmmmmmmmmul-hhahahahahahaaha-berries” in a weird throaty voice, who knows why. Also, I was like 13 when we were eating maybe-poison berries so I guess I should have known better? Henry said this isn’t surprising to him at all. 

8:24am: Hi me again. We just stopped at Sheetz because I was about to bite henry if I didn’t get coffee asap. He tried to explain to me what the “spill kit” is next to the gas pumps because I have literally never noticed it before – apparently its kitty litter-esque stuff to throw down on gas spills? I never would have guessed that. “Yeah you would just panic and leave if you spilled gas,” Henry sighed, and then I went into Sheetz and ordered my coffee and breakfast and paid for it without waiting for henry because I couldn’t stand there for another fucking second without my morning medicine. Henry acted all sad when he finally came in and saw that I was already waiting for my order. “You paid already?” YEAH HENRY I DONT ALWAYS NEED YOU OK?!

No wait come back, j/k!!

9:32am: just spent the last 30 minutes talking about teeth and now my entire mouth feels so sensitive ugh. I’m very obsessed with teeth & have recurring nightmares of losing mine. Ughhhh. 

10:34am: It wouldn’t be a road trip if we didn’t stop at Target to buy all the things we forgot to bring. 

Seriously though there are mulberries in our trail mix. 

10:42am: I was super sad to say goodbye to Chooch, btw. I told him last night that I’m going to miss him so much and in typical Chooch fashion, he said, “I’ll miss you too, but….we live together and see each other every day. Sometimes I need a break.”

WOW. 

I still hugged him this morning like Elmyra from Tiny Toons hugging a squirrel. 

11:13am: Once we cross the border, i gotta dip into airplane mode until we get to a place with wifi, so if I go silent for awhile let’s hope it’s for cellular reasons and not because I was arrested at the border because someone turned me into a drug mule in my sleep. 

On that note! Here’s a G-Dragon video that you should definitely watch and appreciate his porcelain beauty (fun fact: the word that’s being beeped out is the Korean word for bastard):

11:35am: It’s way past time for my second coffee injection and Henry is NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. I keep growling and he’s just like, “Ok scary dog, calm down.” I’m about to rip his beard off and turn it into a motherfucking merkin. 

11:54am: Hi guys we just stopped at a rest area in “some stupid place in NY” according to Henry’s atlas, and we got to cross the highway on a walkway! I LOVE THESE KINDS! Here are some exciting photos:

Henry was less stoked about walking through this thing than I was. 

Yeah boi!!

Anyway wow what a cluster of a rest area. Henry cried because he couldn’t get a pretzel (“THERE WERE TWO LINES MERGED INTO ONE! PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS!”) but I got an iced latte at some kiosk serving “ITALY’S FAVORITE COFFEE” (LaVasomething) so I just calmly giggled at Henry’s irrational madness and waved him off with a Parade Queen hand. OH SILLY HENRY. 

I also got to see some girl trip and I like things like that. What a wonderful rest stop experience. 

12:23pm: Passing Buffalo. I haven’t been here since 2008, when I met shitty Jonny Craig. 

12:29pm: 

Crossing the Peace Bridge to the border! 

See you later, friendos! I’ll keep all my updates in Notes so I can barrage this thing with them later! Hopefully we don’t get stopped and searched at the Border! Henry asked why would we and I was like because you look like you just came down from the mountains for the first time in 18 years after writing a Manifesto? I mean le duh?

Me: WHAT IF THEY DRAW THEIR GUNS

Henry: WHY? WHY WOULD THEY????

12:53pm: WELL WE GOT PULLED OVER BC THE GUY WAS ASKING QUESTIONS AND HENRY STUTTERED WITH EVERY ANSWER. He asked how we know each other and I’ll tell you why he asked that ITS BECAUSE WE’RE NOT MARRIED AND NOW WE HAVE TO DO AN ID CHECK BECAUSE HE THINKS HENRY KIDNAPPED ME. 

He asked why we’re visiting and henry was all, “oh um uh uh conc—-leisure….leisure concert.” ?????

The guy asked who’s playing and henry was like G-DRAGON in the most unnatural voice ever and how was this man in the fucking SERVICE?! 

1:05pm Thank god we didn’t have to wait very long before someone came over and took our YELLOW SLIP. he asked why we were visiting and we went through another round of A CONCERT. 

Who you seeing?

G-DRAGON. 

And then a knowing head nod but DO YOU REALLY KNOW?

So he sent us inside for an ID check and there was no one else there shockingly so we strode right up to the counter and went through the THIRD G-Dragon exchange with the guy at the counter who ran a background check on us and asked “is there anything I’m going to find?” and I said no but my head was swirling with uncertainties. I DONT KNOW IS THERE?! There are parts of my life I can’t remember! God only knows what I may have done!

1:30pm: Everything’s in kilometers and I just don’t know. 

1;52pm Obligatory Tim Hortons stop. The restroom faucet didn’t recognize my American hands and we struggled. Then henry got a handful of change back and we struggled some more. 

Back in the car. I made him change the 90s r&b station because I’m not ’bout that life anymore. So the very next station that came up is playing POPULAR ROMANIAN DANCES! I’m way more Korean now than I am Romanian but I was like STOP THE SEARCH! THIS IS THE STATION!

Meanwhile one of those Great Lakes is next to us and I keep getting creeped out. 

2:14pm: We just crossed over some large bridge into Burlington (I guess?). I took a huge whiff and cried, “Aw it smells like a water ride! It smells like the Log Jammer!”

“That’s a sewer,” Henry calmly inserted. 

3:04pm: In Toronto, mostly!

My first impression is one of unease. Every building is glass! It’s so much glass! It’s a city of glass!

5:05pm: Just finished dinner at The Peasant Table with my friend Chris (not of Chronica fame) whom I haven’t seen since the last time the Cure was nominated for a Grammy (2001 you dum-dums)!

6:23pm: Ugh Chris left to go back home to St. Catharines – it sucked saying goodbye after finally seeing each other after 15ish years! I was afraid it might be awkward because I’m so socially backward now but it was like we hang out all the time, plus we talked about Marcy [RIP] because he knew her. 

#teardrop

Now we’re relaxing for a bit in our airbnb that Chronica recommended to us and our host Mark is great — I mean, I guess he is! Henry has talked to him like three times already and I keep missing him so he probably thinks I’m some stuck/up hoebag. 

But yeah anyway after dinner we got ice cream at Ed’s even though I wanted Sweet Jesus but the one in this area is just a window and I want to go to the one I saw in some asshole vlogger’s video because it seems more Instagram-worthy and yes I AM THAT TACKY. Ed’s was supposed to be famous but it was just so-so. I had the Leslieville Honey and it was alright. 

Henry ordering poorly (cherry sorbet, dumb). 

We strolled around for a bit and I saw a million places I wanted to go into but I’m trying not to buy things because the Kpop lifestyle has broken me (although there IS a swag lamp I’m considering going back for). I also learned that pedestrians can push a button and THEN POINT AT CARS TO STOP DRIVING so that they can cross the street — how can this work?! But we pushed the button and surivived!

STOP. JUST STOP. 

We had a really great talk with Chris about the state of America and it’s always interesting to hear things from a non-American perspective. Chris also explained Canadian monies and gas prices to Henry. Ugh, such adulting. 

Henry felt threatened by Chris’s beard though. 

8:25pm: OK UPDATE. We rested for a bit and then came out to explore. I made henry pose for pictures which typically Chooch would be sourced out for. He wasn’t thrilled, but he obliged because GUESS WHOSE BIRTHDAY WEEKEND IT IS. 

I had to cross the street and wait for a bus to load before being able to take the above picture but I was motivated.  

I think this nose belongs to a bar with no name? Never mind—Henry just googled “Leslieville nose” and found out but I’m too tired to type it though—/ it’s Italian small plate comfort food.  

We stopped so I could medicate with coffee at Tango Palace and now I know what’s missing from our back porch: a huge, protruding statue. 

Henry doesn’t drink coffee so he was super unimpressed.

Henry said he couldn’t imagine why everyone keeps looking at me and then remembered I’m a Ladychild with flashy-yet-juvenile accoutrements. In this case: my shiny ray gun purse. I mean they certainly aren’t admiring my face. 

Then we stopped st some drug store to buy a brush because it’s rule to have to stop at least twice in a trip to buy shit we left at home, and henry was so smug because he was able to pay in coins thanks to Chris’s tutorial. 

Right after, we walked past some people speaking Korean and I started to cry. Henry had the “oh for gods sake” lip-twist. 

We’re currently sitting at Hi Lo, a bar that’s totally my speed—kind of divey but not gross. Henry is trying to determine if our drinks were expensive. Except that now I’m complaining because I’m hungry again and henry is all, “We should have went somewhere that has food but you picked this place” and I defensively said “yeah because I liked the lights???” I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING ACCUSED OF SOMETHING OK. 

I’m drinking a KW Craft Cider and it’s probably the plainest-tasting cider I’ve ever had but the ambiance of this place balances it out so I won’t get all haughty on Yelp. 

8:41pm: LOLOLOLOL DRUNK A LITTLE. YOU GUYS SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT IM NOT ON FB ANYMORE. 

8:51pm: OH SHIT WE’RE AT KABOOM CHICKEN – come at me, kimchi fries!!

9:01pm: ok I’m in tears. This is religion. Gochujang mayo. Kimchi. This is everything. 

Henry got k-popcorn chicken!!! KPOP-corn chicken!! DYING. THIS PLACE IS THE LIMIT.  I kept rolling  my eyes back and henry was like bitch plz. 

9:48pm: We’re back at Mark’s pad and I am fucking tired and half-drunk. I think I need to sign off. Tomorrow is Koreatown+additional exploring! I even brought my real camera! 

The countdown is HEATING UP. We leave tomorrow morning for Toronto! Today, I said to Henry, “I feel so nervous and excited! How about you?”

“The same,” he said.

“REALLY, YOU FEEL NERVOUS & EXCITED TOO?”

“No, I mean I feel the same way I always feel,” he sighed.

Ugh. I thought we were bonding.

The other night, I was walking around Brookline, when this email came through:

OMGGGG it’s so real now. My legs turned to jello and I had to sit down on a bench.

“did you tell the homeless person to move first?” Glenn deadpanned the next day as I told the story of Receiving the Email. I drag my work friends down with me. The amount of people who told me to have fun this weekend as they walked past my desk was touching and also kind of hilarious because I guess this is what happens when you’re loud and relentless about your obsessions.

Sigh.

In an effort to distract myself, here are some non-G-dragon related thangs:

• I received an alert today from some news site, NY Times or something, can’t remember, that said something about how kohlrabi is bypassing kale as the new “it” vegetable and I legit wailed, “what why?! I’ve been eating kohlrabi for years!” From her office, Lori laughed and said, “Poor Erin. It’s hard being ahead of the curve.” God next thing you know, ttkeokbokki will be the new “it” festival food, ugh! (Actually, that would be amazing.)
• I don’t know my blood type.

• I was late shift today so Chooch and I got to hang out a bit this morning. We’ve been getting along so well lately! (NOT A JOKE.)

• It me.
• Gayle asked me if I’m going to buy a dragon beanie baby to throw onstage Sunday and I was like NO GAYLE NO ONE DOES THAT AND BESIDES, GDRAGON IS TOO FRAGILE UGH!
  • However, now I kind of want to buy a dragon beanie baby for myself. Do they exist? What’s a Google?
  • Lol at “non-G-Dragon related things.” I tried.
• Taeyang (from Bigbang) is doing his first solo US tour and I’m going to see him in Chicago! I got my ticket the other day (just one, because they’re expensive and it was either go alone or don’t go at all) and I’m really excited! Todd and Glenn were extremely relieved that I got a ticket.
• Remember when I posted the Guacamole Song on here last week? Well, I shared it with some peeps at work and it turned into a thing. Some people were like, “Thanks a lot, Erin” and other people were like, “THIS IS BORING” and walked away at the “form the orange” but then that same person danced to the entire song last Friday in Lori’s office, for all to see, so I GUESS IT’S NOT SO BORING NOW, IS IT CATHERINE. Also, the “peel the tomato” part was a huge source of contention for some people in the office.
  • God, last Friday was pretty fantastic for a work day. It’s been a long time since we were all that giddy! I’d like to think it’s because it was jeans day, and it was jeans day because I fought for it to be jeans day! YOU’RE WELCOME.

• My Facebook hiatus is going strong! It’s been about a month and a half and I have no desire to resurrect it. I think we could all use a little social media detox here and there and even though I’m still using Instagram, I have noticed that I am definitely on my phone much less. I’m sure I’ll come back eventually, but with more restraints and limits, because I have photos there that I can’t access currently, which is something my idiot self didn’t consider. The only downside to not being on Facebook is that a lot of my friends thought that I unfriended them and that is 100% not the case at all! Nate just came over to my desk yesterday to ask me about it because he was like, “But why would she unfriend me? She just gave me a lychee today!” :(
• Oh shit, there’s this sandwich shop that Chooch and I have eaten at several times in the next town over called Parker’s, but they’re moving to Brookline! It’s actually about the same walking distance but more convenient because we don’t have any cross any big roads now, phew. Anyway, this has been in the works for MONTHS now, and actually when I first noticed that something was moving into this empty restaurant, there was no info whatsoever other than a bunch of newspapers taped to the windows, with coffee cups and “P”s drawn on it. I was like THAT LOOKS LIKE THE PARKER’S ‘P’ and sure enough, they eventually announced on Instagram that they were moving into larger digs. But it’s been months and months of no new developments, until last week when the storefront was painted and “Parker’s” is now boldly displayed in white paint. THEN TONIGHT, Chooch and I were on our nightly stroll (it’s our thing now and I love it because he rambles on and on and I love it when he tells me shit) and we noticed that there were two spots where the newspaper was peeled back, purposely it seemed, to provide tiny rectangular peepholes. Of course we shoved our way over to get a closer look and the inside looks SO FUCKING CUTE I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL IT OPENS. Henry’s not allowed to go with us though. He wouldn’t understand the appeal….
  • ….which is the Parker’s proprietor Luke, whom I have a crush on, lol.

The release of the Warped Tour lineup is one of the most anticipated days of the year for me (see also: Someone Needs Friends, a Life, and Hobbies). But I have to be honest, this year’s lineup left much to be desired for me. I was really stoked for Dance Gavin Dance of course, but there was nothing else that really grabbed me, and Warped Tour is not really something you go to just to see thy one band you love play a 30 minute set.

But then last month, I gave the lineup another once-over. I’m. It sure if more bands were added by then or what, but I suddenly saw a bunch of small bands that I somehow missed the first time I looked at it, and the excitement snapped back and hit me like a buckle-laden Ehrbarkeit*.

*(I was reading about German bricklayers, as one does. Sue me.)

It’s been almost two weeks now since our glorious full-day romp under the blazing sun to the surround-sound tune of competing screams and machine-gun drumming, but I would be remiss not to recap the bands we saw because one day when I’m Henry’s age, I’m going to have a muddled mind and need help remembering if we saw Boston Manor or Boston Manners.  Who knows?!

And maybe someone will walk away with a new jam or two after reading this, which is is always my greatest hope. I wish sharing music was my job!

Here’s a rundown of bands we saw (some just partial sets):

• Eternal Boy
• American Authors
• Lakeshore
• Boston Manor
• Microwave
• Silent Planet
• New Year’s Day
• Our Last Night
• Jule Vera
• Hands Like Houses
• Movements
• Courage My Love
• Andy Black
• Attila (NOT BY CHOICE)
• Dance Gavin Dance

Eternal Boy:

Pittsburgh pop-punk veterans. They used to be known as SpacePimps but recently gave themselves a brand makeover. One of the guys, Rishi, is the man responsible for the Pittsburgh-based pop punk Four Chord Festival. I went to the last one and saw Eternal Boy for the first time and was surprised how much I liked them. So I made it a point to check them out again at Warped. They were the first band to play on the Full Sail stage so we got our pop-punk on right away.

They kept talking about their new album Awkward Face, and I was like, “WOW THAT’S SO ME AND YOU, CHOOCH. WE ALWAYS MAKE AWKWARD FACES. HERE, MAKE AN AWKWARD FACE AND I’LL TAKE A PICTURE” and Chooch finally snapped and said, “Oh my GOD, they’re saying Awkward PHASE, not FACE!” and his tone was a glimpse into the future, where I suddenly am phased out and not cool anymore. Ugh.

Anyway, they weren’t as exciting as I remembered them to be, so we moseyed on over to the Journeys Right Foot stage to check out….

American Authors

I mean, I’m not a giant fan, but I know that one song, you know, That Song that is played on the radio and was in a bunch of movies two years ago (probably?). I couldn’t remember the song though and kept telling Henry and Chooch, “No seriously, they have one really popular song and you’ll know it when you hear it, I swear” and they probably thought I meant popular in the Alternative Press sense and not Top 40 radio.

But then finally, for their last song, they invited some peeps on stage from Save Ferris and when the opening notes wafted off into the amphitheater, Chooch was all, “OMG THIS SONG? THIS IS THEIR SONG!?” and even Henry was like, “Oh wow, this song, OK.”

Anyway, it’s this song:

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

Which segues perfectly into…

BOSTON MANOR

YEAH BOI. This is the shit I was looking for on this day. Boston Manor is a pop-punk (sort of? but not?) band from Blackpool, England and they’ve been on my “must-see” list for quite some time now. They did NOT disappoint. Energy? Check. Passionate screams? Check. Poignant lyrics? Triple check all the way to Vans tent for a bandanna to sop up your tears. I was so pumped! Even Chooch was like, “I like them! But I’m going to walk around now. Come on, Daddy” because Chooch is what you’d call…a kid? Possibly with ADHD? Who’s not easily impressed? Whatever, let them leave.

Side story: During Boston Manor’s set, there were two older women in front of me. One of them spotted one of the guys from Bad Omens off to the side of the stage. They were performing next, so the whole band was milling about, and these old broads were flipping their shit. They had legit point-and-shoot cameras which they pulled out of their fannypacks, and they were practically stepping on each other trying to take pictures of these guys. I thought this was a bit odd, not that these old ladies couldn’t be down with Separations, but this band is not big at all so it’s not like they were trying to sneak a pic of, I don’t know, Barry Manilow or something.

But then a younger girl wearing steampunk goggles strutted over, and it turns out she was with the old bitches. They were frantically trying to pantomime to her over top of Boston Manor that the guys from Bad Omens were behind the barrier, and she did that snotty girl thing where was like, “WHAT????” with a disgusted look on her face, like the “why are you talking to me in public?” kind of look.

(See also: the Bitch from Milky Way look.)

But then she understood what was going on and became downright FRANTIC. She started looking all around and then marched over to the side of the stage, where she was able to get the attention of one of the Bad Omens guys (I know nothing about this band, although I’m listening to them right now for research, and they kind of sound like Bring Me the Horizon — newer, not old). He came over and let her under the yellow caution tape, where she gave him a bundle of bananas from her backpack and he gave her an appreciate embrace.

So, that happened.

But Boston Manor!! So fucking good.

Lakeshore

We came across Lakeshore randomly as we passed by the Hard Rock stage, and they were pleasant enough to get me to stop. This was also around the time Henry discovered free Slurpees, so we were a bit distracted. But we did chill out for most of their set and at one point, I said something about how they sounded familiar, like something I would have listened to in 2008 or 2010, and Henry said he was thinking the same thing, actually wondering if we had seen them before around that time, and then we were all HAHAHAHA at our symbiotic relationship. How can I put this delicately without sounding like I’m hating on them, because I’m totally not….they had a bland yet pleasing sound that makes it perfect to have on in the background, and it’s interesting enough that you will eventually ask yourself, “I like this—who is it?” and then you realize, “Oh it’s Lakeshore, why can’t I ever remember that??”

Does that make sense?

I thought they were a good fit for Warped Tour, a good palate cleanser — not too pop punk, not too screamo.

Anyway, Chooch was determined to get the singer’s autograph afterward, even though he totally didn’t care about the music at all, because this was around the time he realized that there were areas in the official Warped Tour to get bands’ signatures. So like collecting the signatures of all the characters at Disney World, except in a more violent and dirty environment.

By the time the singer got to the merch booth, Chooch realized that Lakeshore didn’t have a page in the program (only some of the bands did), so he got the dude to just sign the front. He also got their set list. I was like, “Why didn’t the guy just sign the set list?” and Chooch had no answer for me. Henry and I were too busy chilling in the lawn when this was going down. Chooch does shit on his own now, you guys.

Microwave

I was devastated when we missed Microwave at Riot Fest last year (someone was playing at the same time, but I can’t remember who). I got to see the singer do an acoustic set, and that was cool, but I really had started to grow fond of Microwave around that time and was hyped to see them. Finally got my chance at Warped and I was…pretty disappointed. Maybe it was just a bad atmosphere and somewhere like the Smiling Moose would be better?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BW2x_Ojh3EE/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

Henry was not impressed at all, and I was like, “But no really—-they’re a great band! I swear!” Ugh. They didn’t sound bad, per se, but they just didn’t have that spark that captivated me. I won’t give up on you, Microwave! Next time you’re in Pittsburgh, it’s on.

Silent Planet

They were playing on one of the big Monster stages in the parking lot and Chooch actually expressed interest in checking them out. However, when we got over to their stage, that’s when we saw that Gwar was doing a meet-n-greet, so we got in line for that and Silent Planet became background noise. Sorry, Silent Planet! You seemed good when I was paying attention! Good and screamy!

Jule Vera

Chooch has been clamoring to see this band again ever since he saw them open for Never Shout Never in 2016. Plus, they just put out a new album so we were both stoked to hear some of the new songs live. They unfortunately were playing on the Journeys stage,  but it was luckily still early enough in the day that it wasn’t too crowded in front of the stage — the pit is so small under that amphitheater and it makes it really hard to get up close for some of the bigger bands, which kills me.

I made Henry buy Chooch earplugs since we were so close to the speakers, which are all a billion times more loud on those stages. And also because I wanted to know what it feels like to be a parent who’s on top of things.

(It didn’t feel like anything special really.)

Jule Vera was fun to watch, as usual. Maybe Warped Tour isn’t the best venue for this but I was sad when they didn’t do their crazy collective drum solo, which is incredible to watch. It’s what sold me the night we saw them at Mr. Small’s, and when Henry and I saw them last year at Riot Fest, even he was impressed. And he is not usually moved in the slightest when it comes to bands of any sort. Still, they had a great set and Ainsley’s vocals were on point as usual.

I turned around before they were over, and spotted sleeping in one of the seats behind us, head back and mouth open. HOW?! It was so fucking loud down there!

After they were done, Chooch and Henry ran (OK, Chooch ran and Henry meandered) up the hill to Jule Vera’s merch booth so that he could get them to sign his Warped program. He had already talked to them at the beginning of the day when they were setting up their booth but he didn’t have his program yet, god forbid. While that was happening, I walked over to the other side of the amphitheater for….

Hands Like Houses

These guys are on my forever Can’t Miss list. They are just so beautifully Australian and I especially love the guy up there on the left, whom I have been adoringly referring to as The Tim Curry Guy for the last five or six years because he looks like if Tim Curry was in a band in the 70s ok?! So if you’ve been around for previous Warped Tour posts, chances are you’re already acquainted with these bros from Canberra (which is where I met The Cure in 2000, so these Aussies are dear to my heart).

This was probably my least favorite time seeing them though because I HATE THAT AMPHITHEATER. I know, you get it by now. And there was douchey fuck boy who came barreling through the crowd halfway through their set, pushing me and several other girls out of the way, and bro’d out with his sweaty pits exposed for all to smell. Eventually he bull-dozed his way further into the crowd and I was free to breathe again.

After HLH, this happened:

And Chooch even asked them for a picture all on his own! I guess when he was in line before, it was a signing only, so he snagged them later on when no one else was around.

Movements

Ughhhh! I have been dying to see these guys again ever since Chooch and I saw them a year in Cleveland with Pierce the Veil. I hate comparing them to La Dispute simply because they have that spoken word element, but there are so few bands like this in our scene right now so the comparison is inevitable. Post-hardcore, emo-revival — I don’t care what you call them, just go listen. They are like a breath of fresh air and make me feel like I’m young again, and that everything is worth fighting for, DON’T GIVE UP.

Ugh!!!!!!!!

Henry said they “weren’t bad” which is a solid B in Professor Henry’s Warped Tour Band Grade Book.

I think this is a good song of theirs to share, in light of Chester Bennington’s recent suicide and the topic of depression being on the table again, and it should never be taken off the table because while these things don’t go away, they can be managed and overcome—I struggle with it quietly but never silently, and sometimes the struggle gets loud. And it’s OK to get loud. (Sorry, Henry.)

Please support Movements. This band is going to be huge. They’re going to touch a lot of lives. I love them.

Courage My Love

I can’t tell you how long I have been trying to see this band, but we always pass each other like ships in the night. The singer, Mercedes, used to date Craig Owens (BadxChannels, ex-Chiodos), which is how I first heard of them. I miss them every time they’re at Warped Tour or in town though! This time I made sure they were on my list, and we even got to the Full Sail stage before they started.

Henry thought they were ‘just alright” but I really enjoyed it. Warped Tour is such a fucking sausage party, and it’s definitely been slammed for that in the past, so it’s always nice to see some solid females on these stages. Some of them are just not our speed at all (Chooch and I absolutely couldn’t stand this one British band on the Skullcandy stage with a girl singer, I can’t remember their name but they were ska and just super screechy and annoying). OK I just looked it up for the sake of my fake journalistic tendencies, and they’re called Sonic Boom Six.

MORE LIKE SONIC BOOM SUX, AMIRITE?! OH SNAP.

But no, Courage My Love was beautiful and had a pleasing aesthetic, and a girl drummer who also sings! Tyler from Sworn In came over and sang on one of their songs, and I was observing him afterward, standing in the back corner of the stage, watching Mercedes adoringly to the point where I wondered if they were dating, but after creeping on her Instagram, it appears she’s dating some Canadian guy?

:(

I wanted it to be a Warped Tour romance.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BW2xqEwhOb3/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

Afterward, Chooch ran to their merch booth because he had to get her to sign his damn program (I don’t think they were in it though so she signed the front). While he was waiting for Mercedes to come over, I noticed that the singer – Henry – from Boston Manor was just chilling in the middle of the lot, so I coaxed Chooch into getting him to sign his program, because Boston Manor had a page in it. Not-Our-Henry seemed totally stoked to sign this for Chooch. “Your set was awesome,” Chooch said, and Cooler-Than-Our-Henry said, “Aw, thanks buddy!” and he sounded SO HAPPY. Little does he know that I was the one who stood there during their whole set, giving them my undivided attention, while Chooch decided he needed to patrol the grounds for free shit.

But whatever.

What a nice guy! I wanted to buy something from their booth but I was trying to conserve money for our upcoming G-Dragon trip. Ugh, I just want to buy all the records though!!

Meanwhile, Chooch got to meet Mercedes and was all red-faced and nervous about it:

I told him we should start a scrapbook for all his concert memories and he glared at me. Then I glared at myself because what a mom thing to suggest.

Dance Gavin Dance

Finally, the band of the hour! Except that first we had to endure an entire Attila set. They were playing on the other stage and we got to the dumb amphitheater early because we wanted to get a good (enough) spot for DGD since Chooch has never seen them. Suffice to say, this was the furthest back I’ve ever been at a DGD show and I was so sad about it.

But first: an Attila rant. This band is just so shitty, like a next generation Limp Bizkit. All their songs are filled with “suck my fuck”s and the amount of little white girls throwing their fists in their air during these vapid, meaningless hardcore party songs made me feel sick to my stomach, because Fronzilla is the biggest sexist piece of shit motherfucker to walk the grounds of Warped Tour and he deserves zero fame and credibility. This music is what little suburban rich kids listen to in Daddy’s Hummer to feel like a bad ass. Even Chooch was like, “This shit is awful.” I wish Kevin Lyman would stop inviting this worthless band back to Warped Tour, but I guess at the end of the day, it’s all about that cash money.

Also, never forget the time Fronz was on MTV’s Made. 

The meanest thing about Warped Tour is that you only get to see your favorite bands perform for 30 minutes. IT’S CRUEL  And Chooch and I were sharing the role of Goldilocks, trying in vain to find the spot in the amphitheater that was “just right.” This resulted in us getting separated from Henry who was sitting in a seat way up front but in an area where Chooch couldn’t see at all. It was excruciating. I wanted this to be on one of the Monster stages so fucking badly, where we could snuggle into a spot on the side of the stage and feed off the energy of the crowd. Their was no energy to be fed in this scenario! The crowd was weak. People were milling about in front of us the whole time. I wanted to be standing.

But, at the end of the day, Chooch was able to see everything and since it was his first DGD experience, this was all that mattered. When you’re a kid, it’s important to be able to see! And good thing too, because he was dying over Tilian’s slick dance moves.

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So far away! Boo, hiss!

Here is the video for their newest song, please enjoy it thoroughly. It’s got that 1980s yacht rock slow jam sax:

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And this concludes my 2017 Warped Tour experience! I’m sad that I missed Beartooth, Separations, Counterparts, Blessthefall, and Being As An Ocean. That’s the downside of Warped Tour: too many great bands playing simultaneously!

The only thing Warped Tour was missing was Emarosa. Sigh – it just didn’t feel like Warped Tour without them, after being spoiled with two consecutive years of them!

Hope someone out there found a band or two to explore. There were a lot of great ones this year!

Hey guys, here I am with another edition of “This Was My Weekend In Excruciating Detail”! I can’t wait for the day these posts are actually beneficial to my life. YOU NEVER KNOW. I might need an alibi at some point. Or to fill in the gaps of my deteriorating memory.

Usually I start my weekend recaps with Saturday, but this time, let’s rewind a bit more and start with our Friday night dinner at Zenith, because nothing kicks off a weekend quite like eating out at one of your favorite restaurants! It was a million degrees out on Friday and Henry didn’t want to cook, so we all benefited from this. My favorite part is that Henry was actually the one who suggested Zenith, even though no one believes that a carnivorous mountain dweller like Henry would ever enjoy a meal chaste of meat. But he loves this shit! He loves tempeh and seitan and whatever other soy-based meat substitutes are floating around out there, but don’t revoke his BIG MANLY MAN card because he doesn’t like tofu and that’s a fact. He’s great at cooking with it, but boyfriend won’t put that jiggly curd anywhere past his mustache.

(Henry likes vegetarian restaurants so much, that he’s actually been looking up veg-friendly places to eat this weekend in Toronto. LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY.)

Chooch and I both ordered the seitan French dip, which made Henry sad because that’s apparently the whole reason he wanted to go there, because he happened to see it listed on their weekly menu beforehand, but now that Chooch and I both ordered it, he felt it was breaking some cardinal restaurant rule to have the whole table order the same thing, so he got the Moroccan stew instead. (Elaine, the owner, could tell by his tone that something was wrong when he ordered the stew; “You were going to order the french dip,” she guessed. GOD SHE’S GOOD!) He also got the tropical rice salad which was fucking fabulous and I got a cup of the potato dill soup and relished the fact that I was eating potato soup without straining it for bacon with a fork.

Chooch ordered a piece of the peach strawberry vegan cake to share with me, and Henry got a piece of the chocolate banana cake to go. One of the guys brought a second piece over too and said, “And here’s an extra chocolate for mom” right as I was saying that the peach strawberry was my favorite of all the cakes I’ve ever eaten there, so he said, “Oh….maybe I should have brought you that instead…” and at first he was going to swap it out, but then ended up telling us to keep the two pieces of chocolate and he brought another piece of the peach cake over too!

“Jesus, we walked out of there with almost an entire cake,” Henry laughed. God, Zenith—you freaking spoil us. Best veg restaurant in the city, you guys!

Part Time (Veg) Lover.

Saturday started out slow and casual. Henry had to work, so Chooch and I were on our own. (WELL I GUESS WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL, ON OUR OWN….what? Bobby Brown? On Our Own? Ugh, never mind.) We walked to Cafe Noir and I was Responsible in that I looked up at the sky and saw DARK CLOUDS so I brought along an UMBRELLA. And then it RAINED so we had to USE THE UMBRELLA. This is parenting, my friends. See also: being a person who understands how weather works.

We didn’t get a chance to save anything this time. You can only be heroes so often or then it gets old and no one will give you accolades because oh wow, you saved a thing. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re hero, right? Ugh, so rude.

Most of the day was spent chilling because it was storming off and on. Chooch has been binge-watching How I Met Your Mother so Henry and I sat through some episodes with him and it’s not like I forgot so soon how cruel and heart-wrenching this show is, so I was crying all over again at some of the parts, ugh. Also, when Henry and I watched this show (probably the last TV series we watched in real time, i.e. not on Netflix or whatever), I didn’t realize how wildly inappropriate it is until I had my 11-year-old son sitting next to me, so that’s been real great. And he’s already on the last season so I can’t be all, “SORRY MISTER, YOU’LL HAVE TO RESUME THIS WHEN YOU’RE 18.” I mean, come on. Kids know everything these days anyway. Ugh.

Then later that night, Wendy and I went on a ghost hunt at Castle Blood! That will obviously get its own post, but while we were doing that, Henry and Chooch went to visit the Calvin Family (a/k/a Blake, Haley, and Calvin) and Chooch apparently had a grand old time because on the way home later that night, Chooch piped up from the backseat, “I was going to tell you something, but nevermind, you’ll be mad. OK fine, Blake let me use his bow!”

I was like, “OK that’s cool, whatever,” because I was still all a’buzz from ghosts n’ stuff, but then a few minutes later, he cried, “OK, I feel like I’m lying if I don’t tell you this, but I also SHOT A BB GUN!” and then way he said it, with so much anguish, reminded me of the scene from Goonies when Chunk is tied to the chair and telling the Fratellis his sob story. That’s my dramatic kid.

I should mention that Chooch was supposed to hang out with Blake a week ago, but decided he needed to go to his friend Wesley’s instead, so he told Blake to come over later. Well guess what? Blake’s a dad now, dude, and “come over later” basically means that New Parent has extra time to get comfortable and not want to leave the house again. So that’s what happened, and Chooch actually cried real tears and told us that we weren’t allowed to say Blake’s name in our house.

I mean, it was hilarious but also sad because this is the first time Chooch has let his emotions out since Calvin was born and we all knew there was going to be jealousy there. Hopefully this is the beginning of him working through that and accepting the fact that he has to share his big brother now and he’s going to come to second to Calvin. I think eventually, it will be fine and Chooch will probably end up wanting to see his nephew more than his brother, anyway!

My side vs Their side

This brings us to Sunday, a day I love to hate.

Sunday morning, we got to see Chris and Monica for a little bit while I took some headshots of Chris (with my camera, not Blake’s BB gun) for her travel guide résumé. It’s always great to see those two, but we all agreed that we’re due for a longer hang-out soon.

Then it was Asian market time! Chooch opted out so he went over one of his neighbor friends’ houses instead, because we’re at that age now where he will take any option that’s not “shopping with parents.” :(

I was so happy because our favorite market (WFH  Oriental, if you care) finally carries the BIGBANG Nongfu Spring iced tea! I messaged Chooch and he told me to get all of the jasmine grapefruit. I got three.

MAYBE NEXT TIME COME WITH US, BRO.

Honestly, BIGBANG endorsement aside, this tea is so fantastic. When our favorite WFH cashier rang us up, she laughed when she got to the (NINE?!) bottles of Nongfu Spring and said, “Oh, all the teenagers come in and buy this!”

“THAT’S MY FAVORITE BAND!” I cried and she seemed a combination of shocked and impressed, but if you ask Henry he’ll just say she was taken aback by my oozing dumbness.

Also, remember when Daesung was my original bias? GOD THAT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER AGO. (Lol, last December.)

While we were at the store, some younger white couple came in and I could hear them from multiple aisles away as they openly and loudly mocked all the products , said things like, “EW GROSS!” and just basically reinforced the idea that white people are culturally ignorant and racist, whether we want to admit it or not. I was all up in arms over this. I have grown to love this culture so very much, and I hate that these assholes came into one of these markets and made fun of it.

But go ahead, laugh your asses off while we’re over here eating juicy lychees and Japanese purple yams that are so freaking soft they practically melt in the mouth, while you’re eating basic bitch kale from Giant Eagle, you dumb white couple. They must have gotten lost on their way to Primantis.

I bought sweet corn popsicles at the second Asian market we went to. “Good luck with those,” Henry scoffed. Turns out I didn’t need “luck” because they are motherfucking delightful, a real bastardization of creamed corn straight into summer treat form. Fuck yes. Like a sweet, frozen Thanksgiving side dish on a stick.

Later, Henry and I walked to Cafe Noir. Henry has been accompanying me on my walks (sometimes) because he’s afraid of losing me (maybe but probably not) and I’ve really been enjoying it! I get to point things out, like, “This is where Chooch and I busted a bunch of hoodlums smoking pot” and “This is where we found the moth” and “THERE’S THE TATTOO PLACE DO YOU SEE SARAH MILLER INSIDE I DON’T WANT TO LOOK!” Seriously, I’m obsessed with that broad. I want her to tattoo me so badly, that I don’t even care what it is. Anyway, I decided to get a Cannonball because Chris texted me that morning after I recommended Cafe Noir to her and Monica, to tell me that she got the Cannonball. Of course, I ordered it before I asked her if she liked it, and I ended up having major ordering remorse.

“It’s not Cafe Noir’s fault, I just don’t really like carbonated water,” I said with a grimace, trying not to spit out the mouthful of Cannonball that was floating in limbo behind my tongue, but also really wanting to spit it out at the same time. WHAT TO DO.

“Seriously? Then why would would order a drink that has SAN PELLEGRINI IN IT?” Henry cried, the human embodiment of SMH.

I just….I just don’t know what goes through my head sometimes, you guys.

Came home and found this in a drawer and got mad about being misquoted ALL OVER AGAIN. EVEN AFTER TEN YEARS! I get mad on Sundays. Nine out ten holes in our walls are punched on Sundays.

Probably.

Then Chooch decided he was ready to dye his hair again after a nearly two year hiatus. He was originally going to go with ice blue, so we had to bleach it first. The blue didn’t take (it was a shitty brand) but it ended up being OK he decided he wants to keep his hair blond for a while.

Now he reminds me of David from the Lost Boys, which is weird because he’s actually wearing a Lost Boys shirt today that has David on it and I bought a 30-year-anniversary Lost Boys pin set, all without thinking about the connection. Lost Boys is life, though.

I pulled this shirt out of the back of my dresser drawer. MEMORIES! I haven’t ridden the Wacky Worm in like three years! At some point, I realized that I went on four walks that day, and started to wonder how many people call me the CRAZY BROOKLINE WALKER or THAT GIRL WHO ALWAYS WALKS IN GREEN SHORTS.

OMG I’m the new PURPLE PANTS!

GREEN SHORTS!

I don’t know, I think this color really works on him, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

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Capped off Sunday with some Running Man and Game of Thrones and Chooch got grounded for not coming home before it got dark, HAHA good job dummy. (Except that Henry was over it by Monday so Chooch went back to walking all over him. Ah, family dynamics!)

And that’s all for my weekend.

The last thing I think of every night before I fall asleep is, “I can’t wait to have coffee in the morning.”

(Well, that and “Please don’t lop off my feet with your rusty scythe, Mr. Closet Monster.”)

Unless I’m on late shift, I don’t have my first cup of coffee until I get to work, and immediately afterward starts my daylong wonderfing of “when will I have my next coffee?” because I try to have restraint.

I drink too much coffee. I don’t have a problem admitting that. Out of all the “too muches” in my life, it’s probably the least detrimental.

My usual routine is to make coffee using the office Keurig. I have one of those pods that holds actual grounds so I never have to buy a box of k-cups again (anything for you, environment!). I really like going to Nicholas Coffee in Market Square for some fancy-ass bags of coffee but it’s temporarily CLOSED on account of the adjacent restaurant catching fire for like, the third time this year.

Ugh!

So I brought in a box of Maxim instant coffee that I bought specifically after watching a video from Henry’s favorite Korean cooking lady on iced coffee.

(Gold star alert: I found it at the Korean market in the Strip because I could read the box! Granted, it also says “Maxim” in English but I saw the Hangeul first!)

I was expecting this to be disgusting because, you know, instant coffee like what is this 1993. But no! It’s delicious! And now I don’t have to fuck around with refilling the water in that damn Keurig when the person who uses it before me inevitably walks away with the ADD MORE WATER light flashing.

I’m sure I will eventually buy a bag of fancy coffee but it’s nice to know that I have a super convenient alternative that doesn’t taste like shit.

MY LIFE IS SO EXCITING.

I also have been drinking this delightful coffee milk tea in the afternoons. Everyone was all “oh ho ho ho, you have fun with that!” Because I have struck out with this brand of bagged-beverage before.

But holy shit, this shit is great too! It’s so good that I talked Amber and Glenn into trying it too and they both agreed that it was good and that they would probably drinking again (Glenn begrudgingly so).

It literally does taste like tea and coffee, in one cup, with a dash of cream. It is so good! I don’t know why or how it works, but it just does. Additionally, if you drink it anytime other than 3:15, you won’t actually die like I thought!

But I do have a small growth—I mean, what, no, I’m fine. It’s fine. Coffee tea milk is fine!

**********

In “outside-of-the-office” coffee news, I have been searching for new places to get my iced lattes, which I tend to get once or twice a week as a gift for making it halfway through the day without (royally) screwing anything up at work or if Henry says no to me about something and I need to pair my pout with some espresso.

Typically, I go to Crazy Mocha (there are several around town) for a lavender latte but I’m growing tired of the same girl asking me every time, “Have you ever had this mixed with vanilla?” like it’s my first rodeo with lavender and hello, why doesn’t she know me by now?! I order the same freaking thing every time. UGH I AM SO FORGETTABLE. The other locations don’t always have the lavender syrup so I don’t fuck with them anymore.

Occasionally I will go to Coffee Tree Roasters to get a maple latte, and I love their goddamn lattes, but — and this is embarrassing — the door to their building confuses me and my anxiety over the impending exit starts to build before I even order my stupid drink and then I always end up making a commotion when I’m trying to leave.

Unfailingly!!

So that’s a situation I try to avoid.

If I’m really looking to splurge, I’ll walk to Colony Cafe in the Strip because they have one of the best lattes in town BUT they’re kind of pricey—$5-something and then I always leave a tip because the people there are so goddamn nice, plus it’s a cat cafe (not a good one like you see in Korea and Japan, though. The cats are in a separate upstairs area and you have to reserve a block of time to chill with them, which is probably a good thing because then I’m not going back to work, like, “Look at the new fur pants I bought down the street at Burlington, guys!”

All of this is to say that I needed to change shit up a bit, so I used Yelp (ugh for days) and found a place called Gasoline Street Coffee Company that I had never heard of, probably because it’s on a different side of the city and not as convenient as the Starbucks inside our building, so why would anyone from work go there unless they’re psycho over stupid shit like me.

I had to use Google maps to help me get there because I don’t know street names and the only directions I can follow are things that involve landmarks, like, “Turn left where your stalker works and then make a hard right at the corner where the Dunkin’ Donuts protester stands with his middle fingers up.” While I was following the moving blue dot on my phone, Henry called.

“I can’t talk to you right now, I’m on a mission,” I said in my secret agent voice.

“OK, bye,” he said, and then HUNG UP. He didn’t even ask me what my mission was?!

You may be shocked to know that I followed my map accordingly and found the damn place. It’s located in an area I have never been on foot before (for my Pittsburgh peeps, it’s over by the First Avenue T station) so I had to walk beneath overpasses and it was pretty daunting. There was some construction going on nearby too so I kept expecting to get jack-hammered or hit by a rogue chunk of asphalt. You don’t know my fears.

Except that now you do. God, why can’t I be more mysterious!?

Since I was on late shift and taking my break much later in the day, I rolled up to this spot about 40 minutes before their 5pm closing time. The decor is old gas station/repurposed licence plate chic, and I feel like that trend peaked in the late 90s, right? But it didn’t feel too hipster-y, so I was willing to embrace the outdated-ness as vintage.

There was one man sitting in a balcony-thing, reading a paper. Other than that, the place was dead. The coffee counter was located halfway up a ramp, to the side, and it was so awkwardly situated that I had to practically stand on tiptoes to see over top of the counter. When the guy asked me for my order, I told him it was my first time there and he said, “Oh take your time” and started to walk away.

“No, I mean, what do you recommend?” I called after him.

He had next to no personality and was clearly lacking any drop of desire to engage in my wishy-washy coffee needs. I was hoping he would say something like, “Well, if I were YOU, I would get a cortado because we use blah blah blah beans and then blah it and add some blah” or maybe he would gesture to the Specialty Drinks portion of the chalkboard behind him and give some smooth sales pitch about matcha.

But instead, with a sigh, he started naming things like, “Coffee, tea, lemonade” like OK I get it, bro. So I interrupted him and just ordered my go-to iced latte.

THEY DIDN’T HAVE SOY so I got it with coconut milk instead. Then I had to stand on the ramp, on an angle, while he made the damn thing and it was kind of like standing in line for an elevated ride at an amusement park but WITH LESS THRILL.

It was fine. It was reasonably priced. But it was just a latte.

^^^Just a latte.

Of course, now that I had a real menu in front of me and I was back on a level surface, I was able to take my time and really give it a good perusal and now I wish I had ordered the Chocolate Orange, whaaaat!? I guess I will have to go back someday, maybe this week.  I can’t commit to anything right now though.

Also last week, I was in the Strip and decided to stop at Prestogeorge, which I have never been to for some reason. They’re located far enough away from my work that I really had to quicken my pace, so I was full-blown sweating by the time I got there.

I ordered an iced cinnamon latte and it was super refreshing and lovely, but the best part about this place was that the people working there were very down-to-earth and didn’t have a single drop of barista snob in them. For as much as I love coffee, I usually stick with straight-up hot coffee, lattes, cold brews, and macchiatos (the real kinds), so sometimes when I feel like trying something different, it can be daunting! I have had so many baristas make me feel stupid. So if I can walk into a place and join in a conversation about Pink Floyd’s The Wall and then only pay $4 for a latte AND a lemon fig bar thing instead of the NINE DOLLARS it would cost me at Crazy Mocha, then you’ve got yourself a new regular customer.

Except that I can’t be TOO regular of a customer because it’s a far walk and sometimes I have other parts of town to visit on my aimless lunch break walks YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.

Also, the ladies at Prestogeorge loved my birdcage ring and I love it when people love my jewelry because for someone who hates small talk, I sure wear a lot of conversational pieces.

OK, and that has been 1700+ words on the coffee I drink at work. I am truly such an interesting person. Sign-ups to be my friend are hanging on the glass window behind the milk crate that my favorite homeless guy sits on. If you have any questions, I’ll  just be over here drinking my second cup of Maxim coffee.

It wouldn’t be summer around here if I didn’t expound on Warped Tour in at LEAST three separate blog posts. It is quite literally my Christmas in July and I savor this day every single year. EVERY SINGLE YEAR!

We woke up early Friday morning and it was pouring. Not just pouring, but STORMING. And the forecast for the rest of the day looked dismal as well. All clouds and lightning. I sadly (but also excitedly since I still haven’t been able to wear this) tucked my rain poncho into my Bled Fest bag and we went on our way.

At breakfast, dumb Glenn trolled  me a with a text that said “great day for an outdoor concert” and I could imagine sitting at his dumb desk at desk work, looking at three different weather sites at once and laughing sinisterly. I IGNORED THE BAIT.

But then by the time we got to Warped Tour at 11, the skies had turned a bright, beautiful blue and the sun was a’blazing.

“We were promised overcast,” the metalhead guy in front of me sighed, clad in black all the way down to his platform skull-encrusted shit-kickers. So I figured it was safe to finally reply to Glenn’s text with a cheerful, “It really is! Blue skies and sunny!”

Amber told me later that Glenn was so giddy over the original forecast that he wanted our whole group to send me taunting texts!

SUCK IT GLENN!

OK, so this post will be primarily a collection of photos from our day. Chooch is supposedly going to help me with captions SO WE’LL SEE.

Chooch: “It me!”

American Satan is a movie that Andy Biersack from Black Veil Brides is in so Henry and I did a big matchy-matchy eye roll every time we walked past one of the posters. Not huge fans of BVB at all, but I will say that we caught a few minutes of Andy’s solo stage (he goes by Andy Black) and it wasn’t too bad.

Where’s Chooch-o?

Chooch: What are you doing to meeeeee?

I smooshed Chooch’s hair down so it looked more Caesar-esque because it made him look like the singer from Boston Manor but Chooch hates what I like so as soon as I took this picture, he gave his hair a hearty swipe with his sweaty meat paw and totally ruined the look. Chooch is like the Warped Tour Prince, Mr. Been There Done That, Master of Meet-n-Greets, Virtuoso of Racing to the Vans Tent to Get the Free Prize.

Someone from Jule Vera assumed this was his first Warped Tour, which made Chooch scoffingly say, “Um this is my fifth rodeo, partner.”

Or…you know, something like that.

Chooch: What’s Daddy grabbing? Someone’s boob!

Wow, that would be the boob of either a giantress or a circus girl on stilts, son. Or maybe Jeffree Star?!

(OMG I just realized that I don’t think Jeffree Star was at Warped Tour this year!)

While Chooch and I were spectating Lakeshore on the Hard Rock Stage, Henry slipped away into the wilds of Warped Tour. We just shrugged and kept on watching the band because we don’t need Henry.

(OK I TAKE IT BACK WE NEED YOU HENRY PLEASE DON’T LEAVE US.)

A few minutes later, Henry came causally ambling back to us, happily scooping a Slushie into his moustachioed maw.

Chooch and I sang various tunes of “HOW WHAT WHERE WHY? WE WANT! WE WANT!” while Henry just stood there smirking. Finally, he pointed to where the free Slushie truck was set up and Chooch and I were like VROOM VROOM MOTHERFUCKERS, running through the crowd with a mission.

Yeah boiiii!!Free Slurpees all day long! I only had one though. Henry had approximately 15. Henry is really good at making the best of a bad situation. Does he WANT to go to Warped Tour? Hard no. But you better believe he’s going to milk it for all its worth.

Same with Chooch. That little shit was coming back from the Maltesers tent every time I turned around. And hey, speaking of those chocolate balls, they were delicious! I thought they were going to taste like Whoppers, which I strongly dislike, and they SORT OF did but they were coated with the thickest, creamiest chocolate ever and so fucking delicious. ARE THESE IN STORES YET?!

Chooch and Henry played some game in that tent while I was busy, you know, enjoying bands which is the whole point of Warped Tour the last time I checked. Something about moving Maltesers with a straw or something and I guess they lost which is amazing because they both suck so hard!

Chooch: These are better than Malts or whatever they’re called.

WHOPPERS, SON. WHOPPERS.

For the first time ever, there wasn’t a single band on the big stages that we wanted to see (well, there were a few but the schedules overlapped too much with the bands I REALLY wanted to see, so I had to skip Blessthefall, for example). Maybe this is why Warped Tour didn’t really feel as Warped this year. Don’t get it twisted – we still had a great time. But I feel like we spent most of the day under the ampitheater because most of the bands we wanted to see were playing on the two Journeys stages there and that’s my least favorite spot. It’s hard to get close to the stage and the atmosphere is just off. I want all my favorite bands to be playing on the two main stages in the parking lot! UGH.

#WarpedTourProblems

Chooch: You should go to Warped Tour because there’s a lot of stuff you can do! A lot of amazing merch, and amazing bands, there you go. It’s a summary.

Wow, Chooch should do commercials. And also read more books to broaden his weak vocab!

But seriously, the merch just gets better and better. Chooch and I both wanted a Pentagram shirt that said “Hail Seitan, Go Vegan” on it but then I would have felt like a poser because I’m not a full-time vegan, just a regular old vegetarian.

I wish I could encapsulate the sounds and smells of Warped Tour (maybe not the stinky armpits stench though) into a live action snowglobe so that I can enjoy it all year round. It’s my favorite environment. All the stages of stanky bass and gutteral bellows, all the (poor) fashion choices, all the vulgarity from the carny-esque merch slingers—it’s a fucking scene kid dreamscape.

Speaking of scene kids though — I REALLY miss the scene kids from the 2007-2010 era. Gone are the raccoon-haired scene queens and the fluorescent YOLO booty shorts and the crabcore stages and the swoop-y hair on the boys. I miss this! Now it’s mostly just a bunch of regular looking kids with tattoos and piercings but nothing extraordinarily flamboyant.

We noticed that there were a lot more families there this year, which is interesting. There were a lot of older bands on the tour this year, specifically to get the older fans to start coming out again, and I guess it worked. Usually Chooch is one of the few kids out and about but there seemed to be a TON this time. Don’t worry — none of them were as cool as Chooch though.

And here is a random accidental upside photo of body-painted legs.

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Chooch played a Name That Tune-type of game at the Truth tent and was getting super frustrated because he never knew BOTH the name of the song and the band, only just one or the other. I eventually left because Movements was starting on the nearby Full Sail stage, and that’s when Chooch finally got one right: some song by Migos?! I have no idea who this even is, but he won a super sweet t-shirt that has A DONUT ON THE POCKET. I love the Truth tent.

OK, my next Warped Tour post will be about the bands, and then we can close this chapter until next year!

Last Friday before Warped Tour*, Chooch referenced the guacamole song and was shocked when I said I didn’t know it. 

“Oh my god, srsly? It was a HUGE MEME!” he exclaimed, not even trying to hide his disgust and disappointment in me. WOW SORRY IM OUT OF THE MEME LOOP. I’m busy on other parts of the Internet! (The eastern parts.)

SIDE NOTE: That Milky Way bitch‘s reaction was similar  when Henry only wanted three items in his calzone. 

He made me play it on the way to Warped Tour and within 5 seconds Henry and I were letting the janitors in for a good old brain-washing. (That sentence originally said “on the way to THE Warped Tour” like I’m some regular old mom in khaki Croft & Barrow knee-length shorts and a yellow polo shirt.)

The comments are the best. A bunch of them were like, “Please tell me how to peel a tomato” and I laughed, because INORITE but then Henry the Kitchen Nerd hiked up his pants, pushed his glasses up his nose, and said, “Actually, you soak it—-”

OH SHUT UP, HENRY. 

And then all day at Warped Tour, this damn song was in my head, and whenever I would finally start to tune it out, Chooch would lean over and say, “Guac-amole. Guac guac-amole.” AHHHHH. There’s not enough Kpop in the world to erase this from my mind. 

So now let it eat away at your brain too while you’re out in the yard “forming” your vegetables. 

*(Speaking of Warped Tour, I haven’t closed the 2017 chapter yet! I have two more posts that need finished but I have been distracted by the oppressing summer heat and my compulsion to exercise every night after work to the point of passing out. I don’t have a problem or anything.)

…until I finally see Kwon Ji-yong with my very own (very bad) eyes. Today, Lori was sizing up the countdown calendar and said, “God, you’re going to be a mess next week!” And I hadn’t even thought of that until now, but holy shit I’m going to be a MESS NEXT WEEK. 

I’ve been trying very hard to not watch too many YouTube videos of his shows on this current tour. It’s been really hard to stay away though! I did see this tonight though and it blew me away because this guy typically hates everything I love (his Dance Gavin Dance album reviews make my inner Internet troll come alive) but his reaction to G-Dragon’s latest album is actually really glowing and he even says HE IS SURPRISED HE’S NOT MORE POPULAR HERE. Tell me about it, Anthony—I can’t get anyone to take him seriously!

Not gonna lie, the weekend peaked super early on when Chooch and I saved that giant moth Saturday morning. I mean, how do you top actual, legitimate heroics? 

You just don’t. 

But the rest of Saturday was pretty good. Here are pictures. 

I wore the new DGD shirt that Henry oppa bought me at Warped Tour and I love it so much. Ringer tees for life, amirite. Makes me want to go and remake Battle of the Network Stars. “What’s all the hullabaloo?!”

When Chooch and I were walking home from the aforementioned moth rescue, we passed Bob and his Corgi Spencer. Chooch low key stalks them but that’s whatever. 

“I don’t want to get involved in other people’s lives or anything,” Chooch started off very seriously. “But I really wish Bob didn’t smoke.” He was so concerned! I love that Chooch cares about people. Anyway, Chooch went on to say that one time he was walking by Bob’s house and heard a piano being played. 

“Bob said it was wife playing,” Chooch said and I don’t know why but I was caught off guard. 

“Oh wow I guess I just always figured Bob’s wife was dead,” I said. And then, “What if she is and that was her ghost playing the piano?!” 

Chooch started humming the song he heard being played by Bob’s alleged “wife,” and I couldn’t think of the name of it. I guess Bob had told Chooch, but he forgot and was upset because he wants to learn it. 

WOW WHAT AN INTERESTING STORY. 

(Side note: all jokes aside, Bob is such a sweet guy. Even though small talk normally makes my soul shrivel, I will always stop for Bob & Spencer.)

We were in dire need of a new slipcover for the couch (maybe one day when I have cats that don’t scratch everything, I will feel like I can safely throw down on a new couch but until then – thriftier couches and sip covers it is!) and now our couch matches the wheelchair because I guess you could say THAT’S JUST HOW WE ROLL AROUND HERE. 

Later in the afternoon, Chooch and I sat in the car like dogs while henry went into Home Depot and Boring Auto Parts and we were so annoyed because ugh boring Henry Running boring errands. 

But then we went to the pet cem to visit the Original 4 and do some gravesite tidying. Afterward, we went to Yough Twist where I made a foul by chocolate-dipping my tangerine soft serve. I thought it would taste like one of the wonderful Orange chocolates but NO IT DID NOT. I was sad, and it was also extremely messy to the point where I actually made a bigger mess than Chooch for once (though, he had a sundae so can you even really compare the mess factors of the two?).

The rest of Saturday was full of walks around Brookline because I’m determined to be labeled as Verified Brookline Crazy, Kpopx with Henry (yeah boiiiiiii, he’s halfway-brainwashed), and just general family time I guess. 

Oh wait, I remember. Chooch has been binge-watching How I Met Your Mother so we were watching some episodes with him and he was getting mad because henry and I kept whispering to each other about the episode because we watched the whole series in real time, lol. And we ate chips and salsa. 

The next morning, I woke up and took this picture of Penelope before remembering that I was mad at Henry for bringing chips into the house because I’m TRYNA STAY AWAY FROM SALT, DUMBASS. 

So I stormed out of the house and went for a mad walk around town, where I found a WALLET LAYING ON THE STREET. the drivers license told me the owner lives right across the street from where I found it, so I returned it like the goody two shoes I am. No one answered when I knocked (it was 8:30 on a Sunday morning—I wouldn’t answer the door either oh wait I never answer the door no matter what day or time it is, never mind) so I just left the wallet between the doors. 

Saving moths and returning lost wallets – this is the life of the Brookline Vigilante. 

I think I need a cape. 

I rode the wave of Good Samaritanism all the way home (as opposed to the usual Crude Satanism) and peacefully watched an episode of Goblin. Everyone was happy that I was happy. 

Believe me. 

Later in the afternoon, we visited Patty at the nursing facility. It’s always nice to see Patty! We sat out on the patio and had a nice conversation with fellow resident Kevin. We told them about our heroic moth-saving episode and Kevin said it made him have the Mothra song stuck in his head. 

YES. 

And then Kevin said something about someone being a great entertainer and Chooch cried, “That’s it! ‘The Entertainer’!” And then he sighed a deep breath of relief because trying to remember the name of the song Bob’s dead wife has been damned to play for eternity was clearly driving him mad.

See? All my super lame stories tie together eventually. Except when they don’t. 

ISNT THIS A CUTE PATIO?

We eventually had to say goodbye to Patty because it was well past our scheduled afternoon feeding and I could feel myself getting woozy. (#HungerDramatics) We decided to eat right down the street from Patty at a semi-vegetarian joint called Milky Way. It was nothing fancy, just a pizza/sandwich shop where you order at the counter. I dislike places like that because I prefer full service, but we were super hungry and I was trying to be “easy-going” and “agreeable.”

Yeah I know right. 

Chooch managed to order his food without incident mostly because all he had to say was #3 and no when asked if he wanted cheese on it. 

When it was my turn, I received a blank look from the little ginger troll across the counter, and I had to physically point at the menu to prove to her that “whole wheat” was an option for the faux-chicken pesto wrap I ordered. 

I was slightly annoyed by this but was willing to move on because I just wanted to put a pesto-thing in my mouth. 

But then it was Henry’s turn to order and this is where things went south. He ordered a calzone, which seems simple enough. Like even a bimbo on the first day of the job could figure out how to scribble this one down on the pad. 

Henry said he wanted cheese, mushrooms, and hot peppers. 

She asked “red or green?”

Henry answered neither red nor green and instead said, “I want hot peppers.” He even took a page out of my book and pointed to the menu where it said HOT PEPPERS and she was like *blank*.

So Henry asked, “Don’t you have hot peppers?” Thankfully the cook overheard and came over to defuse the situation. It ended with Henry happily getting jalapeños and then walking away to grab a water out of the cooler. 

“What else do you want?” The Crimson Cooze asked as he walked away. 

“That’s it for the calzone,” he called over his shoulder, “and then just this water.”

I forgot to mention that Henry spoke this part of his order IN TONGUES because this bitch scrunched up her acne-laden face and said, “WHAT?! Whaaaaat?” 

FIVE TIMES SHE SAID THIS. How can I explain the tone….like a teenage twat not liking something her parents are telling her. This one monosyllabic word dragged out slowly and with exaggerated confusion, with derision and little bitch girl snottiness.  It was like Henry had a learning disability and she was utterly disgusted by him. It was the same way I would say “what??” if Henry was trying to talk about bands he knows nothing about, like boy you stay in your corner and let the big kids talk about music, lolkay?

It was like that. 

The look on her face, OMG. I was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER while she was spitting out these sickening “What???”s and the thought of lurching over the counter and scratching the freckles off her nasty little face was sounding like the best idea I ever had. 

“Wow, RUDE,” I said but she was too focused on Henry’s CONFUSING calzone order to notice. Henry had to RE-ORDER his calzone because she couldn’t grasp the idea of someone only getting THREE ingredients when the menu says you can order UP TO FOUR. So he was basically bullied into choosing a fourth ingredient while I was saying, “Fuck this shit hole, let’s just leave. We should just leave. I want to leave” But NOPE – Henry had to go and pay the dumb bitch so now we were stuck eating their cunty food. 

BUT DONT YOU FRET – I stared at that ginger bitch the whole time we were there and then wrote bad review on Yelp calling her out and I hope she gets fired. 

“The difference between you and me is that I can forgive,” Henry said around a mouthful of 4-ingredient calzone. 

“Oh I’ll never forgive her. I hope she rots. Dumb bitch. I hope she falls naked on a rake.” 
I can still see her puckered-up, indignant, sanctimonious, fug-face. GOD HELP ME. 

I was telling Glenn and Todd about it this morning and Glenn was all, “Hell yeah! Degrading Henry is your job!”

Like I know right. 

The rest of my day was half-ruined on account of having to stifle my rage. I hate when Henry chooses my battles for me.

What else…we went to Target and I didn’t get anything so then I was a baby about that until Henry put a frozen coffee in my hand to medicate I mean caffeinate me. I was mostly ok about that. 

I give the weekend a B-  

**************

In unrelated sort of weekend news that can be filed under “wow,” the music video for Psy’s “Love” came out today and while I’m pretty whatever about Psy, Taeyang is in this song and his beautiful voice is so perfect in it. He announced his first solo US tour and I want to go see him so badly in Chicago but the cap of the venue he’s playing is like 5,000 people and I’m scared I won’t be able to get a ticket. I decided a few weeks ago to forgo Riot Fest this year (lineup doesn’t excite me and that trip always ends up bleeding our bank account dry—we are not rich people) so I HOPE IT WAS FATE because there is no way in the world I would be able to do both. And I’m sorry, but Taeyang over Riot Fest any day. 

Henry had to work for a few hours this morning, so Chooch and I were over here unsupervised. I decided that I didn’t want to make coffee so I woke him up and suggested that we walk down to Brookline Boulevard so I could get an iced latte from Cafe Noir. I used to hate Cafe Noir because it moved in when Cannon Coffee closed, and the first latte I had tasted strange, not bad per se, but just kind of off. However, I’ve been there numerous times since then and the lattes have been phenomenal so now I think it was a problem with the soy milk that day? MAYBE IT WAS ROTTEN?! I don’t know.

Anyway, Chooch and I made it all the way there without disaster or talking to strangers or getting bit by dogs. I guess it was too early for domestic disputes, and the bars weren’t open yet, so the Boulevard was pretty quiet.

Las Palmas didn’t even have their insanely popular taco cart set up yet — it was that early.

Even too early for any strippers to be leaning all slinkily inside doorframes. (Chooch and I actually passed a trio of suspect hookers/strippers the other evening. When I mentioned it after we walked away, Chooch said, “Oh I didn’t notice. Why do you think they’re strippers? Because the one had on that that black shirt that was open all the way down to her bellybutton with a small bra underneath—”

And I interrupted to say, “Yeah and she had on that leather—”

“Choker,” Chooch finished knowingly. OK but yeah, he didn’t noticed.)

But yeah, back to this morning.

We made it to Cafe Noir, where I finally got my morning fix and Chooch ordered his Arnold Palmer with a strangulated stutter and then dwelled on it for the next minute, and probably even longer had we not noticed a small lump on the sidewalk two storefronts up from Cafe Noir.

At first I thought it was a furry leaf, but upon further inspection, Chooch and I found out that it was a MOTH! The largest moth I ever saw in real life! It was laying on its side with its wings together, so it just looked like a basic moth. I didn’t like that it was sitting out in the path of walkers, joggers, bikers, skaters, dogs, future serial killers who love to pull wings off beautiful things….so I said urgently to Chooch, “We have to move him. He’s not safe here!”

Chooch dove headfirst into the deep end of the animal rescue pool. If he was wearing long sleeves, this would be where he rolled them up in a serious LET’S DO THIS motion. JUST LIKE ON TV.

Ever since I was a child, I was always told DO NOT TOUCH A MOTH BECAUSE YOU WILL RUB OFF THE POWDER FROM ITS WINGS AND IT WILL DIEEEEE. So I have never touched a moth or a butterfly because I’m not a murderer.

Of animals or insects, that is.

So I grabbed the nearest leaf and gently tapped it against the moth’s legs or whatever they’re called.

And it was at that moment that it twitched and sat up straight, and in the most dramatic fashion it spread it’s huge wings open wide to reveal the grandest markings I have ever seen on this side of a slideshow in a darkened science classroom.

Chooch and I cried a seriously impressed “WHOA!” in unison, and leaned in closer to admire this total babe all spread out in front of us. People were walking by giving us double takes, because what are those dummies looking at, last night’s puke? A discarded syringe?

NO, JUST A GIFT FROM NATURE, RIGHT HERE IN FROM THE RECORD STORE. YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND.

I swear to god, this majestic moth was the size of half my hand. We expected it to fly away now that it’s wings were open, but it still just sat there.

“Maybe it’s injured,” I said sadly. We tried a few more times to move it, to at least scoot it over closer to the window of the record store where it was out of the direct path of foot traffic but it was becoming increasingly clear that it wasn’t going to budge.

“We can’t do this without something sturdier to slide under it. I hate to leave it but I don’t think there’s anything we can do for it without touching it with our hands and I don’t want to hurt it!” I cried.

“Too bad we don’t have like, a plastic lid or something,” Chooch shrugged hopelessly as we started to walk away. And then 10 feet later, no lie, there was an old red tupperwear lid laying on the sidewalk.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? IT WAS A FUCKING OMEN! Just like the time Chooch was singing some semi-obscure song from the 80s that I can’t remember at the time of this writing, and then it came on the radio at Eat n Park. He has a bit of magic in him I think. OR HE’S REALLY GOOD AT HIDING HIS SORCERY SCHOOL SYLLABUS. Why did I capslock that, who knows with me, I have blogging dementia. 

Chooch grabbed the magically materialized lid and we excitedly ran back to our post-caterpillar charity case and if this were a silent film from the 20s, the caption at the bottom would say HELP IS ON THE WAY! as Chooch and I crashed into each other and fell into a heap of incompetence and idiocy.

With steady concentration and determination, we were able to scoop the moth up on the lid. There was a small grassy area — you know, like a tree bed or whatever you call those parts of sidewalks that are grassy with flowers and bushes and usually some small trees too — a few feet away from our starting point, and I made it almost all the way there before the moth flopped back onto the sidewalk.

“Nooo!” Chooch and I yelled with unbridled anguish. We sat back down on the sidewalk, trying to essentially tickle the moth back onto the lid with a leaf.

An old man stopped.

“Wow, that’s a big Monarch butterfly!” he exclaimed and we were like yeah whatever guy it’s not a butterfly, probably, but we don’t know, so maybe. (Actually, we used our Phone a Friend lifeline later and asked Chris via text, who confirmed that it was a moth so…..sucks to be wrong, old man.)

I explained that it appeared to be injured so we wanted to move it out of harm’s way so that he wouldn’t think we were mothnapping it for our bug prostitution ring or something.

“Oh it’s injured?” he repeated.

Well I mean it’s NOT FLYING AWAY SO EITHER HELP US OR LEAVE, OLD MAN, UGH.

He lost interest and left.

But then a couple who had passed us earlier paused on their way back. The man part of the couple got real close to us and asked tentatively, “So, what’s going on here?” while the girl part of the couple stood far back, shaking her head in an UH UH, NOPE, NO BUGS FOR ME fashion.

We sighed and explained once again our mission, but this man, this kind brave avuncular soul said to us, “Oh, I have something that I can help.”

He set down the shopping bag he was carrying and I waited for him to pull out the butterfly net or the Magic Moth Dust jar, but instead it was two Avon flyers. He placed one on the ground, on either side of the moth, slowly pushed them together until the moth was in the middle of the makeshift gurney, and asked us, “Where we taking it?”

Chooch pointed to the grass next to us, and our wonderful Samaritan gently laid the flyers down and let the moth free in its new safe haven.

“Oh my god, thank you so much!” I cried.

“Oh, you’re welcome! I like helping animals too. Oh, and while I’m at it….” he said, pausing to reach into his shopping bag for the chloroform-soaked handkerchiefs to help him turn Chooch and me into the latest items of his People of Brookline trafficking catalogue. “—I’m helping my daughters sell Avon, so you keep that flyer and here’s an Avon book, too,” he said, handed me all kinds of Avon literature, which I happily accepted because I’d rather wear gross Avon perfume than a chloroform handkerchief any day.

The guy’s name was Marcus, and I will never forget him.

As we parted ways, saying one last goodbye to Moth, we turned just in time to see a man walking his pug straight into the path of where we had originally found Moth.

“DID YOU SEE THAT?!” Chooch yelled with his hand over his chest like a Golden Girl. “THAT is why we had to move that moth!”

I wholeheartedly agreed.

We walked the rest of the way home, sucking on our Cafe Noir drinks with the force of two firefighters, exhausted and dehydrated from putting out some 5 Alarm blaze, recounting our Super Big Exciting OMG Can You Believe It Morning, adrenaline pumping and egos flaring. Then Chooch and some old man crashed into each other on Pioneer Ave, and then awkwardly stood in a weird embrace as the old man struggled to regain his bearings, and Chooch wiped his Arnold Palmer spills from his shirt. It was great to watch as a third-party bystander.

As soon as we got home, I sent Henry this text:

He literally had no fucks and negative cares to give about this. Chooch and I were extremely offended.

“What exactly did you save it from?” Henry went on to text from work.

“Imminent death?!” I replied, like duh, what a dumb question, and Henry replied that he thought I was being a bit extreme.

*************************************************

“Why didn’t you just pick it up?” Henry asked me just a little while ago, so I told him about what I had learned as a kid.

“Didn’t you ever hear that?” I asked.

“No!” he laughed, and his outright skepticism made me google it just now and turns out IT’S NOT TRUE! So I basically missed out on 30+ years of moth touching? I did read a lot of things just now that say while it won’t kill moths and butterflies, it could still shorten their lifespan and handling them incorrectly could fatally injure them. So probably it’s for the best that we didn’t pick up Moth with our fumbling, uncoordinated meat-mitts. I also read that they like to play dead, so hopefully that means Moth wasn’t actually injured, but just in some type of self-preservation mode.

A few hours ago, Chooch and I walked back to where we left Moth, and he was gone! We took that as a good sign, that Moth presumably flew home to his family in….a bush or wherever they live, with Saturday morning donut crumbs from Party Cake bakery. What I refuse ti believe is that some dumb dog devoured him or that it hopped out into the road and…..don’t make me spell it out for you. :(

God, it feels great to be a hero though. If I was a Girl Scout, I bet I would have earned a badge.

This was Chooch’s first Warped Tour in 2013. Today will be his 5th Warped Tour and my 12th! I’m so excited!

I decided to live blog it because it’s the best day of the year (except not this year because G DRAGON will take that prize) and I like to remember every single detail!! (I tried this last year and it was ruined because of dumb life drama that interfered with my Best Day Ever, so let’s give it another shot, woo.)

• 9:59am: We just stopped home after eating breakfast at Pamela’s because Warped Tour starts an hour and a half later this year so we had time for real breakfast! Now we’re watching a Boz Scaggs video (Look What You’ve Done To Me) lol and then we’re heading out! 

• 10:46am: Almost to whatever they’re calling the amphitheater these days and the sun is out! It was raining all morning and looking pretty grim. I still brought my rain poncho just in case, which I bought when I was originally going to the Penguins victory parade and it was supposed to rain but then I didn’t go and it didn’t rain anyway, and then I brought it to KCON but it only rained for 5 minutes and not very hard so I didn’t open it, and then the furry parade too but I didn’t need it there either. So it’s still in the package. WILL I NEED IT TODAY OR NO?!
• 11:08am WE’RE HERE! No one knows about our preferred line this year so it’s just and three Motionless in White fans. Chooch is getting lotioned-up and it’s hilarious to watch. 

• 11:32am: CRISIS! Chooch got sunblock in his eyes and now everyone in line has to suffer with him. It’s glorious drama. 

• 12:40pm: We’ve been inside for about 30 minutes and everything is wonderful! Chooch’s eye doesn’t hurt anymore because he saw Ainsley from Jule Vera and “kind of” talked to her sort of but mostly it was me talking to one of the guys because I’m Chooch’s handler. And then some guy knocked Henry’s hat off accidentally and said “sorry sir” lol it’s funny because Henry is old. We also saw some guy who swabbed us to become bone marrow donors at Riot Fest so we talked to him for a bit because Warped Tour turns henry and me into functioning adults with a good grasp on small talk and social cues. 

• 1:11pm: Moderately interested in American Authors on one of the Journeys stages under the amphitheater, taking selfies. Chooch was dry-heaving because he thought he touched dried up Copenhagen (“You know, that stuff you dip” he said, STICKING THE SAME FINGER THAT TOUCHED IT TO HIS MOUTH TO DEMONSTRATE. Now who’s dry-heaving.)

American Authors being American and author-y. 

https://instagram.com/p/BWiQ-LQgV5a/

• 2:19: I fell in love with Boston Manor, had a sample of Malteasers, ate delicious vegan cheese in the PETA2 tent, and got a FREE SLUSHIE!

Meanwhile, lakeshore is playing on the Hard Rock stage and I said to Chooch, “This sounds familiar, like something I would have listened to in 2008” and 12 seconds later Henry came back from the garbage can and said, “They sound familiar like someone we would have went to see in 2008.” wtf. I hate when we have the same thoughts. 

• 2:38pm Literally having our eardrums pummeled all day long by the best assortment of bands and Chooch STILL wants to constantly talk and then gets MAD when we can’t hear him?!?! Like boy is this your first Warped Tour or what? Also Chooch just realized that there are spots throughout the Warped Tour program to have bands sign so now he wants to get every single band to sign it, GOOD LUCK. This isn’t Disney World, bro!

Chooch hounding the singer of Lakeshore for his autograph. 

• 2:58pm: What’s worse–listening to Neck Deep or Chooch singing the Guacamole Song OR BOTH HAPPENING AT ONCE. 
• 4:22pm: BREAKING NEWS Chooch’s eye hurts again. Now it’s because he has a slight sunburn from washing away all the sunblock during his earlier crisis. We’re sitting on the hill enjoying Microwave, which is ironic because our microwave died a few weeks ago and we haven’t cared enough to buy a new one yet. Also by “we’re enjoying” I should hope that you know I just mean me. Right before this I saw Movements and they were beyond excelsior. I saw them a year ago as well and couldn’t wait to see them again. 

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Oh and oppa got Dance Gavin Dance shirts for Chooch & me. #SoSpoiled #MuchTerrible

• 6:37pm: Taking a grass break after a bit of Silent Planet, chooch getting his picture taken with two guys from Gwar, being all close to Jule Vera, and then Henry and Chooch ditching me so I had to watch Hands Like Houses alone. 

This Slurpee picture is from hours ago but they just finally texted it to me. What we do for Slurpee coupons I guess.  

The guy taking the pictures for the Gwar signing was kind enough to take this slick selfie. I KNEW HE WAS DOING THAT TOO. He was wearing little leather speedos with a tail, aka Henry’s next Halloween costume. 

Chooch apparently talked to Ainsley from Jule Vera at their booth while I was at Hands Like Houses but I wasn’t there so I don’t believe it. 

• 6:50pm: I’m sitting on a hillside, listening to Farewell Winters, and dreaming about the feast I’m going to have when I leave here. Also, remember when the waitress at Pamela’s told me she liked my nail polish colors and then Chooch said it reminds him of Chris’s house because she had M&Ms the same color and he said “had” because they’re gone now. Because he ate them. But no you wouldn’t remember that because I wasn’t live blogging yet!
• 7:10pm: OMG my Dance Gavin Dance friend who is a manager at Journeys is here!!
• 8:26pm: we’re in the amphitheater getting ready for DGD which means we have to endure Attila who are playing on the other stage. I can’t believe people like this shit. It’s so corny—like Limp Bizkit 2.0. I just realized they’ve only been playing for 6 minutes but it feels like an hour and my brain is crying. 
• 9:17pm: Just got to the car. Chooch asked earnestly, “Did you have fun?” AW. AND ALSO: YES. 
• 9:24pm: I’m bitching about how those young girls still look so fucking fresh and beautiful after a day of sweating at Warped Tour while my face looks like a Christmas ham. “You don’t look bad,” Henry said. I don’t look good either!

UPDATE FROM SATURDAY: wow so after my last update, we went to Sheetz where I projected over an overstuffed sandwich that I couldn’t eat,  but really I was just sick and delirious because I had a sun virus (henry said I was just dehydrated ok Doc Robbins PhD) and by the time we got home, I was ready to crash so that’s what I did after half-assedly washing my face (sorry Korean skincare regimin!)

I’ll be back with a post-Warped recap as usual but I just wanted to say that this was perhaps one of my favorite Warped Tours because Chooch’s attention span is definitely improving (lol), we all seemed to mostly like each other all day (guys, excessive heat and sun exposure can bring out some major wickedness in people don’t don’t like you”d be an angel out there), and there were some really wonderful small bands/hidden gems on the lineup this year. In fact, we didn’t go to the main stages at all this year. 

Ending with Dance Gavin Dance was just so supreme though. Can’t explain how that band makes me feel but it is some hybrid between exuberant and that lady who invented Prancercize. 

Warning: This blog post is a shit show of typos (probably), gross overuse of exclamatory statements, and a landmine of videos that no one will watch. Please just pretend that you’re reading the blog of a fifteen-year-old and then it will make more sense.

Ahhhh, this was the night I was waiting for! Twice and CNBlue were both performing and I was pinching myself repeatedly because HOW WAS THIS NOT A K-DREAM?

Henry dropped us off at the Prudential Center around the time line-up was beginning. This was one of my few complaints about KCON and maybe it’s more of the Prudential Center, but holy shit was this a clutserfucked disarray of clueless people, Chooch and myself included. The side of the arena we had lined up the night before was completely different so I asked one of the KCON volunteers and he said we needed to be on the opposite side. So we left a perfectly good line and trudged back to the side where Henry had dropped us off, only to find five messy lines full of people who had no clue where they were supposed to be. I know this because I kept asking people if we were in the right line and it was a bunch of undulating question marks, people.

So many confused souls.

Some of the guys from the AT&T tent came over near our line with huge boxes of extra finger heart hats and they started giving them away, so at least we got a small prize for getting in line a million hours early when we had seats. We got one for Henry too who refuses to wear his in public because he knows he can’t pull off that k-look.

Meanwhile, a girl in the next line over noticed my Pierce the Veil shirt and started singing “Yeah Boy & Doll Face” and we lowkey became best friends.  OG PTV fans unite!

We finally got to go inside after having security scream in our faces about what we couldn’t bring in and Chooch was about to lose his shit because like me, he hates being screamed at by authority figures—it doesn’t scare him, it just makes him want to fight. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD TRAIT HE PICKED UP FROM MOMMY.

Once we were safely in our nosebleed seats, we took a selca (selfie for you Americans) to send to Henry who didn’t answer right away because he was probably at a strip club –  LOL JK he was most definitely laying in bed at the hotel, watching lame TV shows on his phone.

One of the first things I noticed when dipping my toe into the Kpop pond was that the audience was always waving some type of glowing wand in every live video I watched, no matter what group it was. That’s when I learned about LIGHT STICKS and how each group has their own design.

I wanted to buy one immediately but then I never did because I honestly never thought I’d be attending any Kpop concerts in the near future—I love when I’m wrong about these kinds of things!

We couldn’t find any light sticks on the first day because we didn’t look hard enough, but by the second day, we got our coveted Awesome Wands! They didn’t have merch for each individual group (aside from some unofficial stuff like pins, etc) so we had to stick with the KCON light stick which was better than nothing! I just wish I had bought a Twice Candybong online beforehand like I was considering.

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On this second night of KCON, we were treated to a tear-jerking violin performance by Jun Curry Ahn (“This is from ‘Goblin’!” I yelled in Chooch’s ear during the rendition of Crush’s “Beautiful” and Chooch just rolled his eyes because he won’t let himself trust-fall into the strong yet cushion-y arms of Korean dramas) who also did a bit of dancing too when he performed his cover of BTS’s “Spring Day.” I loved it! But when I sent Henry the short clip I recorded, he was just like, “OK.” Nothing impresses Henry, except for airplanes, and possibly when he knows the meaning of a moderately large word used on NCIS.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BWeGXtfhLof/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

The dance group 1Million also performed and Chooch and I were blown away. I want him to learn to dance but he doesn’t seem to understand just yet that being a good dancer gets the girls.

As soon as 1Million was done, the KCON intro started up, getting us all hyper and screaming. I expected Up10tion to come out first, but KCON had a surprise for us! They put together a JYP tribute stage (JYP is one of the labels/agencies in S. Korea) and who rose up from below the stage?

Momo, Nayeon, Mina, and Sana from Twice! They performed part of “Bad Girl Good Girl” by Miss A, and I’m pretty sure the girl behind me had a bloody throat from shrieking. Then they left the stage as Jihyo, Tzuyu, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Jeongyeon (Chooch’s and my bias!) came out to sing Wonder Girls’ “Nobody” (I just made Henry do the KpopX workout routine to this song last weekend!) and then my throat joined the throat of the girl behind me in a collective pool of blood:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BVyPh3DBiaP/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

The JYP special stage ended with all nine of them performing JY Park’s “Honey.”

[Fun crossover-culture fact for my non-kpop people: JY Park (the head of JYP, obv.) has a music video featuring Conan O’Brien and Steven Jeun from “The Walking Dead.” Watch it or not. I’ll never know.]

Now that Twice got us all riled up, the main event was ready to begin with Up10tion completely wowing us with their dance moves and super adorable fan engaging. Chooch was getting all kinds of fashion tips from them (who am I to deny my son of the hot pink blazer he now desperately covets?) while I was feeling the beginning of a new obsession starting.

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THEY WERE REALLY FUN, OK.

And they performed the new song they were talking about at the fan engagement that morning, and I loved it! When the video was finally released a week later, I was so excited and now I will post it here and make you all watch it (no seriously, you have to watch this one):

NCT-127 was next and while I was interested, I wasn’t expecting to get all caught up in the hype. They’re clearly one of the latest “it boy groups” that all the girls are fighting over and even though I watched some of their videos, and even one of their appearances on Weekly Idol (which is how I learned one of them is from Chicago and his name, obviously, is Johnny), I just wasn’t getting caught up in it. One of the kpop dance workouts I do uses their song “Firetruck” and I actually don’t care much for the song but I like the dance routine so it’s one of the ones I do regularly. Well, I’m here to tell you that I now officially love the song and the group because their moxie-level is higher than that dude who sold me iced coffee in an alley head shop. Chooch and I agreed that the boy groups on night two were the best and mostly because of their dancing.

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I get it now, girls. And if I hadn’t gotten it right away, I sure as fuck would have been chugging the kool-aid after they finished their awkward Fortune Wheel and came back to perform CHERRY BOMB. (Again, this was another song that I wasn’t feeling when it was first released, but after those basslines nearly brought the house down, I was fucking sold and have this song playing in my head at least 127 different times a day.)

Because the word “honestly” is in my blog, I feel like I need to be a little negative for just one quick second and admit that I hated their outfits OK MOVING ALONG…

(I mean, their dancing pretty much makes up for their weird Uncle-Rodney-Came-to-Xmas-Dinner-in-1968-Drunk-Again pantsuits.)

OK, what happened next was that Chooch and I were skyrocketed straight up into Kpop heaven. Straight the fuck up, no rest stops, no traffic, no time to fight over the music selection.

BECAUSE IT WAS TIME FOR TWICE!

Sure, we already had a sneak peek earlier in the night with the JYP special stage, but nothing could have prepared us for the aegyo explosion as they performed Signal, Cheer Up, Knock Knock, and motherfucking TT!!!!!

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Oh, stop! Have you ever seen more perfect angels on a stage?!

Chooch and I were sufficiently shocked and awed. After each song, Chooch sat up straight and clapped with the purest sincerity, like he was at the opera, and it was so adorable. He said they were his favorite of the whole weekend and I have to agree — the whole place just exploded with enthusiasm the entire time they were on stage.

For their turn at the Fortune Wheel, they got “photo time” and they made the best of it. HOW ARE THEY SO ADORABLE?! I sent this to Henry and he was like, “Is that all they did the whole time was make cute poses?” and Chooch and I were like IT WAS DURING THE FORTUNE WHEEL, DUMMY.

This guy next to me was there with his wife, I guess, and his expression never changed all night. He never smiled, applauded, laughed—-nothing. He eventually got up and left during Twice and never came back. Some people just weren’t meant to feel joy I guess.

I wish Blake had been there with us — he really likes Twice too! And Henry admitted that he was sort of sad Chooch took his ticket because he was secretly to see Twice. Guys, I make him watch a lot of Twice TV, where they’re out and about being super adorable and funny. We’re all Onces in our house (THAT’S WHAT TWICE FANS CALL THEMSELVES, GET WITH IT).

There’s a video of Tzuyu and Jeongyeon in Times Square during KCON weekend, standing in a crowd and watching a bunch of people do a dance cover of TT – and they went completely unnoticed. I would have died if I turned around and saw them standing behind me!

I have tons of videos from their stages (in kpop world, they will say, “We hope you like our next stage” before starting the next song; these are the things I’m learning on your behalf, you’re welcome), but I will spare you.

I can’t remember now if Up10tion did their special Broadway stage before or after Twice, but in any case, they came out and performed some Abba song from Mama Mia, whatever the song is where they said “honey,” I don’t know musicals. This was adorable though because Up10tion fans are called Honeys! Oh, kpop.

The finale of the whole KCON experience was CNBlue. They’re the most veteran out of the whole lineup, and the only group that’s also an actual band. The lead singer, Yong Hwa, is my favorite Running Man guest! He’s made more guest appearances on the show than anyone else, and he is just a great competitor AND SO NICE TO LOOK AT.

They started off their stage with “Between Us” and I was having heart palpitations.

Yong Hwa gave such good fan service, too! He was all over the stage, taking selfies with audience members’ phones, dancing so prettily – it was a phenomenal performance, and Yong Hwa’s English is so good!

Really, there isn’t anything more I can say other than [INSERT 823981 SUPERLATIVES HERE]. KCON was so dreamy, so jam-packed with fun and amazement and opportunities, and honestly it was just what me and my little family needed. A break from the bullshit, into this surreal world of pop perfection.

During the Goodbye Stage, I started crying (of course) and Chooch started talking about “when we come back next year” and I was like, “OMG ARE WE?!”

“I don’t know, I’m not in charge of that!” Chooch said. Ugh that’s right: Henry is.

Unless you’re a complete furophobic square, the first weekend of July is the best if you live in Pittsburgh. It’s when you can get all your anthropomorphic tendencies and childhood mascot dreams out of hit system by getting whacked with tails and high-fived by anything from a furry dog paw to a fuzzy shark fin.

YES FRIENDS, IT’S FURRY TIME. (More officially known as Anthrocon.)

I don’t know if it’s just the mental malaise I’m doggy-paddling through or the novelty has worn off or what, but I just wasn’t as into it this year. Typically, I begin furry-stalking on the Wednesday before the convention, because one is sure to bump into a stray wolf or cat early into the festivities. I did see some this year while I was out on my lunchbreak walks, and Lori and I even hung out next to the hotel they stay in, ACTING CASUALLY like we weren’t actually there to gawk and wave.

(I think if we’re being honest, it’s because my favorite furry wasn’t there this year so I didn’t have his dapper tophat and flippers to look forward to.)

But then I figured the third annual furry parade would get me into the spirit. So I dragged Henry and Chooch downtown on Saturday, July 1st to claim the same spot we’ve had for the last three years to ogle the veritable congo-line of fursuits.

This was our giddy “Henry is behind us on the trolley, hngggggh” face.

On our walk to the convention center, I pointed out all of the decrepitude that I see on the reg when I’m out and about on my lunch breaks.

“And there’s my favorite homeless person that I was mad at for a minute because I saw him using on a cell phone, and oh shit oh shit oh shit—-” I sputtered just as BRING SOME HOME TO DADDY walked past us.

All in the same second! It was like if I wrote a mediocre novel about my lunch time walks and then after I died, some really lame tour company put together an “Erin’s Lunch Break” walking tour for tourists who thought they paid to see the basement of the Alamo, but nope – just Pittsburgh alleys and the spot where some asshole attacked a man with a machete.

OK back to the furries. Chooch is suddenly super starstruck around them to the point where he was too bashful to even ask for a picture. I kept reminding him that they were just real people underneath it all, but he was like, “UGH I HATE MYSELF I CAN’T DO IT!” so he let numerous photo ops slip between his sweaty, grit-encrusted fingers.

And then he finally got the nerve to ask a tiger for a picture, but the tiger brusquely said, “I’m late for a photoshoot” and TOTALLY BRUSHED HIM OFF.

Oh shit son, you got snubbed!

Once he got his voice back and was able to ask furries for permission, he kept trying to me take the pictures using his tablet like I’m some dime-a-dozen soccer mom!

But then Chris and Monica arrived and shit got crunk (shoutout to 2006 or whatever year dumb white people appropriated that dumb word). Things are always 374897203497b254 times more fun with those two!

Anyway, the parade was fairly anti-climatic. There were no arrests that I was aware of, no obscene political demonstrations, no furry fisticuffs. Just good old-fashioned undulating mascot fun!

Guys, this was the best furry in town and I don’t even think he was actually a part of Anthrocon. I tweeted this picture and the guy inside the pigsuit RT’d and was all “It me!” Turns out he’s a local comedian. BRAVO, SIR. BRAVO.

I was simultaneously horrified and aroused by these bare-skinned lion-gladiator things.

This is the furry that snubbed Chooch. Wow. There wasn’t anything that great about him anyway. Hope he had fun at his dumb photoshoot.

If Ronald McDonald became a furry?

Chooch and I fought over who got the most high-fives, as usual, but I think I was the real winner because one of the furries pointed to my shirt, pointed to themself, and then gave the thumbs up. I was wearing my KPOP vs EVERYBODY shirt so obviously they liked kpop too and I felt an instant bond!

“I mean, there has to be some crossover here,” Monica said, and now I wonder if any of them had been to KCON the week prior! Ugh, I should have worn that shirt instead. I might have walked away with a whole flock of Kpop-loving furry friends. I WONDER WHICH GROUP THAT FURRY STANS?!

OMG this thing was so cool and creepy! I like how confident he/she was. Like, “Furries don’t have to be furry if they’ve got the fur inside.” I don’t know. It’s not like I have an Etsy shop full of inspirational furry posters or anything.

(WHY, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD?)

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 After the parade, we briefly caught up with fellow furry lover Sandy and her fam, and then decided to stick around downtown. It was a beautifully sunny day and none of us had anywhere else we needed to be right away, so ice cream from Sinful Sweets and a river walk to the Point happened, and it was honestly the most chill, perfectly-summer afternoon I had all season. Good company is all you need! 

Plus, we got to peep a wedding party in blinding gold lamé that looked like they mermaided here straight from Tony and Anna wedding on Days of Our Lives circa 1980-something. At first we were like “Ha! OK gaudy!” But then we decided we liked it and now i think Henry might actually propose sometime this century because he wants  Monica and Chris to wear similar dresses in our wedding party, no sandals allowed. (His rules, guys!)

And then Chooch and Chris walked ahead of us, speaking in their secret language while Monica, Henry and I hung back and yawned a lot because that fucking sun was great for a minute but it really zapped the energy from us. 

We to Dunkin’ Donuts to refuel on caffeine and somehow, Henry, Monica and I got trapped inside the vestibule while an Asian family featuring four elderly people utilizing different wheeled walking aids (2 wheelchairs, two rolling walkers, plus one bonus cane) came limping through the doors, smashing us against the glass wall. But we were polite about it because aw, old ppl. But then on their heels came another family, who thought we were just your standard Dunkin Donuts welcome wagon I guess, and they proceeded to also barrel their way in and I thought Monica was going to rip her face off to reveal that gif of the man’s exploding head from “Scanners” and even Henry, Patron Saint of Patience, was like, “ARE WE ON CANDID CAMERA” while I stood there wondering how many other 1980s pop culture references I could waste on this landfill of nonsense. 

I’m surprised none of them tried to hang their fanny packs and canes on us like the ornamental coat racks we apparently are. 

Meanwhile, Chris and Chooch were gabbing away, still inside Dunkin Donuts, and we were like  HOW DID THEY NOT NOTICE THIS.

And this has been “Erin Goes to the Furry Parade, & other loosely-related tales.”