Hi guys! It’s Friday evening and we’re on the KTX back to Seoul. Busan was really cool and Henry at one point said, “You’d need at least 5 days here to be able to get to do everything” and I took that to mean our next trip here will be three weeks long, so thanks for giving me something to look forward to Papa H!

One of many reasons I wanted to squeeze in Busan was because their cherry blossom season starts a bit earlier than Seoul’s and I feel like we’d be remiss to come to Korea without seeing a cherry blossom. Henry doesn’t get the appeal and made some remark about how he used to see cherry blossoms all the time when he was a kid wearing cardboard taped to his shoes in the 1940s.

Whatever, Hank.

Here are some photos of cherry blossoms!

I’ll do a proper Busan recap in the near future, but I will forever associate it with Chooch and I spraying the streets with our hysterical giddiness (I had to keep standing with my legs crossed so I wouldn’t pee) while Henry would stomp off and say, “to hell with you assholes!” Oh my god, we’re having so much fun and sometimes Henry tries to get in on the joke until he realizes that the joke is him. Why is everything he does so hilarious to us?!

For example, while I was in the restroom at Busan Station, Chooch took like 25 pictures of Henry squatting while putting stuff in my backpack and then showed me a few minutes later while we were in a cafe waiting for the train and we were laughing so uproariously that Henry got up and left us and now I’m sitting on this quiet-ass train thinking about it all over again and trying not to laugh out loud.

Oh, another thing we’ve been laughing about is that since we were only coming here overnight, we just packed the backpacks that Chooch and I brought with us. Chooch shoved the Kakao Friends plush-pillow thing he bought the other day into his backpack which took up every last centimeter of free space.

It ended up being really chilly in Busan last night since it’s right on the beach and Henry was wearing a t-shirt.

He was so angry, because Chooch and I both packed jackets but he blamed Chooch’s stuffed animal for why he didn’t pack a jacket.

“Chooch had to bring that fucking thing with him so there wasn’t any room for me to pack my stuff!

” Henry whined. I’m sorry, you couldn’t have tied your jacket around your waist like I did with mine?!

Oh, another day, another lament.

Ugh I love Korea so much!!

P.S. Chooch just leaned over and said, “it went rippin’ past” and now we’re giggling all over again because that’s what Henry said earlier about one of the high-speed trains and I don’t know why but it was SO FUCKING FUNNY to us so we kept saying it over and over while making circles with our heads and Henry was like GOODBYE. Also, he said something about how the beaches here are probably “rockin'” in the summer and I keep picturing Henry at a fucking sock hop ever since then.

We’re on the train to Busan (insert obligatory zombie jokes here, lol) and I’m taking advantage of the free WiFi so here’s a quick update from yesterday! We spent the morning hiking up Namsan mountain to N. Seoul Tower, which Henry kept saying was going to BE SO CROWDED but then it wasn’t. I will do a proper post on this and also our lunchtime in Myeongdong, but right now I just want to quickly update about seeing the Jonghyun memorial at SMTown in Gangnam.

I was one of millions of people who were devastated when Jonghyun from SHINee took his life last December and it was important to me that I get to pay respect and add a note to the wall. Part of the process, as my friend Alyson Hell would say.

Here are some photos.

This was playing on the gigantic, seriously the largest I’ve ever seen on a building, screen outside of SMTown.

The Jonghyun shrine is on the top floor of SMTown, in a back corner room. The mood was understandably somber, and the people in there (maybe about 20 at the time of our visit) were very quiet and respectful.

I started crying immediately. I mean, do you know me? #emotionalhurricane

Chooch and I both wrote notes to add to the wall (his was so freaking sweet, I wanted to die) and then we slowly walked around looking at the fan art and other beautiful and thoughtful messages from around the world. It was really enough to take your breath away. You could just feel the love and pain radiating from those notes.

My heart ached so bad while we were there. But I feel grateful that I got to see it and just the simple act of standing in a room with other people who are still mourning and remembering was really special.

xo.

Here are some photos from our morning at Namdaemun Market, which is a sprawling traditional market. You can get everything from fresh fish to Supreme knock-offs, street food to G-Dragon posters, unless you’re with Henry who will act like a tight-wad dad every time you want to buy something and then throw all the money at you when you remind him that it’s your money and he’s just holding it. NOT THAT THIS HAPPENED.

You gotta allow for one blow-out a day when traveling with your family, I guess.

Once we got that out of the way, the rest of our time in Namdaemun was swell!

My favorite part was when Henry asked someone from the tourist information center where the market was and in the politest way possible, she circled it on the map instead of just flat-out saying, “You’re standing in it, dumbass.”

Being a Tuesday morning, it wasn’t overwhelmingly crowded, but i can only imagine what this place is like on a weekend.

The lady selling dduk kept saying, “Cute, so cute” to Chooch.

Later in the day, we were in one of many subway stations of the day (Henry is turning us into mole people because he always second-guesses himself and then we have to stop while he stares at the subway map for so many minutes), Chooch was going to sit down while waiting for the train, but two older men sat down first. There were still two empty seats so they were like, “No, sit! Sit!” and I shooed him back over there because people were being friendly and that is always such a relief to encounter in a foreign country! So he was sitting with these two ahjussis, and only one spoke a bit of English, so he just kept saying, “Handsome boy!” to Chooch and asked him general questions like his age and where he’s from, and then he would relay the gathered intel back to his non-English-speaking friend. Then another ahjussi came over and they were saying “Handsome boy!” to him and pointing at Chooch. We all got on the train together, but our stop was before theirs so they waved and said goodbye to Chooch which was just the cutest thing in the whole world. I love old guys so much (insert Henry joke) because I see my Pappap in so many of them.

“I wish the guys here in their 20s would say ‘Pretty girl!’ to me as much as you get ‘handsome boy’ said to you,” I whined to Chooch and he was so disgusted.

Anyway, back to Namdaemun!

Ugh, handsome boy.

When we first got to Namdaemun, we walked through this narrow alley full of street food vendors and actual restaurants. An elderly woman started excitedly calling out to us in Korean, waving her arm toward the doorway of her restaurant while pointing at all of the dishes she had available. She was so adorable, but it was only 10:30 and we weren’t ready for lunch yet.

However, we kept her in mind and instead of filling up on fried goods, we made our way back to her alley and she happily ushered us inside and suggested various tables for us to sit.

She had so much energy!

What a great decision. I got mandu and dduk soup and it was exactly what I needed. I don’t know what Henry got, and Chooch ordered sticky noodles which came with a whopping dollop of gochujang, but that kid powered through like a champ. He is really trying! We were so worried about what he was going to eat here because he is notoriously picky, and he usually will pout if we go somewhere he doesn’t want to be.

One of the ahjummas brought him a fork, lol.

This place was LEGIT. Each table had a freaking pot of kimchi.

As we were leaving, I turned around to take a photo, and that sweet lady totally was waiting for it. Look at her back there smiling!

Be back later!

My highlight for today* is probably vastly different from Chooch’s (we went to the Raccoon Cafe and he got to molest a Corgi AND Shibu). But here it is, quickly while we’re resting up before venturing out for some late night patbingsoo!

*(I didn’t get a chance to do a quick post on Monday because we spent the whole day at Everland, Korea’s largest amusement park, and I for once didn’t wake up at a god awful AM hour. I have a ton to write about Everland, so that will happen at some point when I’m home!

)

Today, the plan was to hit up Namdaemun Market, which was awesome once Henry stopped being a jackass to us. After that, we went to Hongdae because there are a bunch of super-extra shops I wanted to check out (Ader Error takes the cake, only because the Hongdae Gentle Monster was under construction). We originally wanted to get patbingsoo at that time, but the place we were looking for either changed locations, closed, or only appeared to us in our dreams because we basically walked in circle for an hour. So the new plan was to eat at Aori Ramen, which is owned by BIGBANG’s Seungri. I originally wanted to eat at the Gangnam location, but I figured we all needed to eat before we murdered each other, and it was right in front of us.

There was only one couple there in line when we got there, but the place only seats like 32 people so we had to wait for about 20 minutes. The guy who was managing the place was so nice even though he was in there hustling. The line kept growing and growing, and he kept popping his head out to tell us “almost, almost.

”

After a few minutes, I started to wonder if he could possibly be Seungri’s dad. I mean, he looked just like him! But then the girl in line behind us started excitedly talking to her boyfriend in Korean and I heard the word “appa” and she kept giddily peering through the glass of the door.

Henry and I looked at each other and mouthed, “IT’S SEUNGRI’S DAD!”

You guys! Even if Seungri’s dad hadn’t been there, it was the best freaking ramen I’ve ever had. (I mean, I’ve never been to Japan, though.) I really appreciated the ordering process too because don’t listen to what people say about South Korea being English-savvy – the language barrier is real.

Chooch ordered “spicy” because he thinks that just because he’s been here since Friday, his spice threshold has risen. The poor kid had bee-stung lips by the time he was done but I gotta give him props because he is legitimately trying new things here and has developed a taste for gochujang of all things.

Anyway, while we were eating, Henry said, “Those people just got their picture taken with Seungri’s dad.

” So that settled it. Chooch agreed to be my picture=proxy as usual since I hate having my picture taken, and after Henry paid, I asked as politely and hopefully as non-sasaeng (crazy fan) as possible if we could get a picture, and he happily said, “OK OK!”

DYING. DEAD. DECOMPOSING FROM THE CUTENESS. This is just the sweetest thing ever and I am internally freaking out.

(Seungri and his dad.)

Sunday in Seoul was full of activity, from Insadong (first official Korean bibimbap!) to Yeouido (we went to 3 Birds, a cafe owned by YG Entertainment, BIGBANG’s agency!

), but for my quick update I want to focus on our hike to Naksan Park for some sunset-viewing. Henry rues the day I watched Joan Keem’s vlog about the best sunset view in Seoul because I became fixated on it and when I become fixated on something, well, you know the outcome.

Fun fact: In Hangul, “nakta” means camel and “san” means mountain, so that’s where Naksan Mountain gets its name, because it’s shaped like a camel’s hump.

We left our hotel a bit after 5 to set off to Naksan, which Henry swore was “super close” yet it took us about an hour to get there. We almost gave up at one point because the directions Henry got online were super vague, and but then suddenly we rounded a corner in a super-popping college neighborhood and saw a sign that said NAKSAN PARK with an arrow pointing up the steepest fucking cobblestone-y road. Chooch was like *groan groan groan* and Henry’s moustache had turned into an undulating mass of middle fingers aimed at my direction, but then once we reached the top of the park, where all the observation areas were, everyone was suddenly in a great mood again. I mean, how could you not be, the view was breathtaking.

Here’s a shitload of photos from my camera and phone.

This place was definitely a date-area.

There were so many adorable young couples and believe the hype, you guys – couple culture in Korea is STRONG. It’s just like what you see in dramas — they love to match, they hold each other while walking, and the aegyo (over-the-top cuteness) is off the charts. We even passed a couple playing kai bai bo and I almost cried.

I love it here so much.

You can see the tops of the DDP down there to the right.

Chooch was happy because he saw many dogs and also got to pet TWO cats.

“I love it here,” he exclaimed at one point during our walk back to the hotel, suddenly forgetting about how much “pain” he was in on the trek there. I warned him months ago that he better get his ass in shape because I don’t play around when traveling!

Chooch waited patiently for a young couple to finish taking pictures of each other petting this cat, and when it was his turn, he was so excited that the couple turned around as they were walking away and giggled at him.

“Cat!” the guy giggled to Chooch and it was so fucking charming.

His face in this picture, though.

After walking back down from the park, we dined on street food. Chooch has decided that twigum (fried food), specifically the kimbap variety, is his favorite food here so far. I’m still down with tteokbokki though. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of it!

I would stay here forever if I could.

For my quick Saturday update, I just want to talk about Seoul Fashion Week! I thought that it ended on Friday, but when we walked over to the Dongdaemun Design Plaza, it was still happening! I mean, you have to be invited to the actual shows, of course, but there was so much to take in outside so much to Henry’s chagrin, we decided to hang around for a bit.

Everyone was taking pictures of EVERYONE so Chooch and I didn’t feel shy at all about whipping out our phones and cameras. There was this one girl escorting around a guy wearing something made out of magazines and plastic I think, so when I took his picture, she smiled and took pictures of us too but I’m convinced that she was actually photographing Henry because SUCH TREND SO STYLE.

“Sir, what are you wearing?”

“A Faygo snapback and Everfresh Juice brand windbreaker, natch.”

I’m telling you, when Middle Aged American Warehouse Manager style starts trending Fall 2018, you heard it here first.

Korean street fashion, though. At first I was like, “Wow, it’s cool that these models just hang out and let randos photograph them” but then I quickly realized that these are just super fashion-obsessed people who turn up to show off their personal style by lining up against a wall and baiting people to take their picture. I figured this out when the couple in the above photo noticed my camera and immediately stopped smiling and posed. It was incredible and I want everyone to react this way when they see me creeping with my camera.

Seoul is spoiling me!

Can this be Chooch’s future wife though, please.

I would totally wear that girl’s jacket and spent a good hour obsessing over it.

I think it was pleather with some type of Big Bird fabric at the bottom and it brought back memories of senior year when I used to wear furry cropped sweaters and had a yellow one that everyone called my Big Bird sweater. I miss those sweaters and I miss Contempo!

I would wear this jacket too. I love outerwear.

Here’s Henry showing the kids how to really wear dad jeans.

My favorite part was before all the crowd photographing action, when we walked past a roped off area and a crowd of girls with their cameras pointed and ready. I wanted to know who they were waiting for, so we sat on a wall and observed. Eventually, a small fleet of super official looking SUVs rolled up, so Chooch and I walked over to the crowd to get a better look. Several fancy people got out of the first several cars and people started snapping pictures. I figured they were celebrities but Chooch and I were on a side where we could only see their backs.

But then some guy got out of a car on our side so we were able to see him very well.

I still couldn’t recognize him though but when he walked around the car, the crowd on the other side started screaming hysterically. I found out later it was Jeong Sewoon, a singer/songwriter who was on the second season of Produce 101. He’s super cute!

The guys who got the biggest reaction were cool-looking even from the back but I have no idea who they were and still haven’t figured it out. I thought maybe it was several guys from Vixx but I don’t think they’re in Korea right now?

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I found out later that Seulgi from Red Velvet and Key from SHINee were also there and I’m sad we didn’t see them! I would have died.

Meanwhile, we’ve been here for like 24 hours and Chooch is suddenly obsessed with designer sunglasses and shoes, and also “11 for 10,000 won” street socks (he stops at every vendor selling them) so I think he already has the right idea re: street fashion. Maybe someday he’ll borrow a pair of Henry’s jeans and be a part of Seoul Fashion Week himself.

ETA: Two week’s later and I’m watching vlogs on YouTube to try and figure out who was in my video and I think possibly some of the guys from either Pentagon or Astro?* I’m in the background of one of the vlogs I was watching and I’m stupidly excited about it lol.

ETA, Part 2: Two years later, and I can confirm that it was Astro, lol.

Hey guys! We landed safely yesterday (Friday the 23rd) around 4:30pm. It was 7:30 by the time we got to our hotel in Jongno (we took the airport bus and Henry made friends with an ahjussi who helped make sure we got off at the right stop, bless his heart, we probably had giant HELP US WE’RE DUMB expressions plastered all over our faces because let’s face it, we can barely manage to find places in our own country!

After we changed clothes, we went for a walk around the area. It was nearly 9 by then and the sidewalks and alleys were full of drunk people and it was so seedy and awesome, hahaha. I was in a jet lag-induced haze and just couldn’t believe we were actually there. It was like walking through a k-drama and I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming or not. I can’t believe I’m here!

There was a guy selling 붕어빵 (fish-shaped fried dough filled with sweet red beans) outside of our hotel so that was our first official street food purchase, after I stopped Henry from buying nine of them because he couldn’t read the sign – he wanted three but they came in sets of three so the guy was trying to make him take nine until I stepped in and Henry was so mad because we’re finally in a place where I have an actual life skill so I guess I will be doing all the ordering while we’re here.

Then we walked to Cheonggyecheon Stream for a short stroll where Chooch almost ruined a young couple’s romantic moment by trying to walk across the stream at the same as them, because that’s what Chooch does – inserts himself into other peoples moments!

Once we had enough of the stream, we came back up to street level and realized we were in Dongdaemun! (I have looked at a map of Seoul a million times but that has done little to prepare me for actually being here since I was born without an internal compass). It was really cool to turn a corner from all the modernity and run smack into Heunginjimun Gate. We’ll definitely be going back during the day at some point too but I’m glad we got to see it at night.

On the way back to the hotel, we walked behind four young people and I desperately wished I was part of their group.

I'll try to update again tomorrow! 안녕하세요!

We’re leaving for Korea in less than an hour and I am so scared/excited/grateful. It feels like a dream!

I’m going back to my paper journal roots for this trip and have already logged about 15 pages of Henry antics, but I also love writing on here a lot so I plan on doing quick posts here and there while we’re away, and you better believe there will be like a month of recaps after we get back so…

unsubscribe now if you’re already annoyed, I guess!

This is likely going to be a super frenetic word slop because I’m leaving tomorrow morning for Korea and it’s really hard to focus on anything else. But I’ve been compiling some more downtown coffee joints to fake-review and I wanted to get this out there before I leave or else it will never happen and let me tell you, I struggled with some of these coffee shops! I DO NOT WANT MY PAIN TO BE IN VAIN.

I like to give myself missions when I’m on my daily walks. Sometimes I just need a purpose, whether it’s looking for my favorite homeless person, gagging at the river, exploring shady alleys. Sometimes it’ll be something like, “Take pictures of churches.” Anything to motivate me to get out of the office and walk, even on less luxurious-weathered days. Just a little pro-tip from me to you! Especially all you step-counters out there who need some motivation.

While it’s really tempting to just walk a block down the street and grab a latte at Crazy Mocha, I have been trying to see how many coffee joints are within a walkable distance for me, something close enough where I can get there, grab a quick coffee, and still make it back to work within an hour. So here are some recent options for anyone who works downtown Pittsburgh and maybe feels like ditching Starbucks for a day, god forbid.

1. Fort Pitt Coffee

I’ve been here once before, after seeing people in the area walking around last summer with non-‘bucks coffee cups in their hands and I immediately opened up dreaded Yelp to see where the fuck they were coming from because lord knows I’m not going to JUST ASK SOMEONE. That’s what Chooch is for.

*[Side-note: the other night, I wanted to walk to the Payless that’s in the next town over from us. Henry and I had walked there the day before but one whole part of the front window had plywood over it and there was a sign taped to the door that said they were closed. I guess someone drove through the front of the store? I didn’t want to walk all the way there just to see they were still closed a day later, so I ACTUALLY LOOKED UP THE NUMBER AND CALLED. It’s a miracle, me using my phone to call someone other than Henry. I didn’t recognize the sound coming from the other end of the phone at first, and then I gradually realized that holy shit, it was a busy signal! It stayed busy for 30 minutes so I went upstairs and said to Chooch, “Hey Chooch, call Little Caesars (which is right next to Payless) and ask them, ‘Hey bro, how ’bout popping outside for a sec and letting me know if Payless is open?'” but Chooch said something like, “GOD NO I’M NOT DOING THAT!” So I took a chance and just walked there and lo and behold, it was open and I got a pair of shoes and one pair for free, too! I should have just went to Payless from the get-go instead of going through my Goldilocks shoe drama.]

(Oh, all of this was to say that sometimes Chooch says no when I ask him to ask someone about something.)

Anyway, I just got a plain ol’ latte and it was fine. The girl working wasn’t very memorable and then the owner came out to ring me up and he was pretty neutral as far as friendliness goes, which was funny to me because I follow this coffee place on Instagram and he acts like his coffee is God’s gift but he did nothing that day to assure that I’d be back again.

I mean, I probably will at some point, but if I was still doing Greetings From Erin’s Lunch Break, this would not make it into a postcard.

Although now that I see that iced raspberry chai on the menu….

2. Allegheny Coffee

This place is wonderful! I always thought it was too far out of reach for my hour-walks but I chanced it one day and still made it back to work with plenty of time to spare (I’m literally the only clock-watcher in that department. I’m sure I could go over my lunch break and no one would notice. BUT I WOULD NOTICE.). I’ve been there twice recently and the same girl was working both times – she was so friendly and made the whole experience more relaxed because if you’re like me, you get stressed to the max when trying to decide which particular coffee beverage you want at that particular moment.

Both times, I got seasonal specials: a King Cake Chai Latte, which had honey in it and it was DIVINE. I love chai lattes, it’s my go-to whenever I don’t feel like coffee. The second time, I was going to get that again because it was so wonderful, but then I saw a white chocolate strawberry latte and even though I rarely go for white chocolate or even mochas, the prospect of a strawberry latte was appealing to me because I don’t see them very often at my usual haunts. Oh, you guys, it was magic. It was like there was actual strawberry puree in there – it didn’t have that weird synthetic fruit taste that strawberry-flavored things sometimes carry. I had this Strawberry Shortcake doll when I was a kid, and if you squeezed her, she let out a puff of air that stunk of a laboratory strawberry, like a perfume for robots. Sometimes, strawberry-favored things taste like I’m eating that puff of fauxberry air.

The second time I went, the same girl was working and as I struggled to get my credit card out of my not-wallet, she was like, “OMG your wallet is so cute!” which was the perfect opportunity for me to tell her about how I had thought I lost it several days prior and how awkward it was to describe it to the receptionist at my work.

“I can’t believe you’re still telling people that story,” Henry sighed when I called him right after I left.

“She liked my story! She even laughed!” I yelled defensively. God, step off.

This place is definitely added to my list of “will return” coffee shops, which right now really only has Crazy Mocha on it because that place has such local flavor and rarely lets me down, no matter which location I go to, even though the coffee itself isn’t anything spectacular.

Oh, and there was a dog there one of the days I visited!

3. Colony Cafe

I have definitely mentioned this joint on here several times (and it’s one of the places I took Scott and Maya when they were visiting from Tennessee last October!) but it’s worth mentioning again because they saved my ass.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

It was one of the days I was working late shift, so I was out on my walk after 4pm. There was a new-ish place I wanted to try in the Strip call De Fer, and I even made sure to check their hours before heading in that direction. Their website said they’re open until 6 so I happily  (yeah right, I’m sure I was on the phone with Henry and scowling about something) set off to Smallman Street and got super excited when I found it because I suck at finding things. AND THEN I SAW THE SIGN ON THE DOOR.

It said they closed at 3 that day, SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

Too many of these signs have been inconveniencing me lately!

I knew if I walked up the street, Prima was there.

THEY TOO WERE CLOSED. I did the whole “tug on the door and involuntarily jerk back” movement because I wasn’t expecting it to be locked since the lights were on and someone was inside!

THE HORROR!

Allegheny Coffee was also a stone’s throw away, so I headed over there.

The door was locked.

ET TU, ALLEGHENE?

Now I was beginning to feel a bit crazed. PEOPLE STILL NEED COFFEE AFTER 4PM!

PrestoGeorge was a block away and I saw a gathering old men inside so I breathed a sigh of relief, but my confident door handle-tugging was met with resistance BECAUSE IT WAS LOCKED TOO.

This was clearly some kind of sick joke.

I needed coffee so badly at this point that I was in tears. Do I have a problem? YES BUT IT’S MINE NOT YOURS SO BACK OFF.

I mean, thanks for your concern.

But thank god, the last cafe on my way back out of the Strip was the Colony Cafe and I knew they would be open. God bless you, Colony. I don’t even mind too much that your small latte cost me more than a medium at Crazy Mocha, because I want to believe that some of that money is going to the cats.

Oh, did I forget to tell you that Colony is also a cat cafe? I’ve been there about 10 times but have never had the chance to play with cats because they’re in a separate loft area and you have to make a reservation. :(

Anyway, I also don’t mind paying more for coffee at this place because it’s damn good coffee and I have never had a sour experience with any of the baristas. All good eggs up in there!

4. De Fer

Which brings me back to De Fer. I was excited to try this place because their website was really spirited, full of mission statements and employee introductions. I like that. I walked in and immediately blanched at the strong yuppie vibes, but I shook it off because I’m trying to not let social groups deter me from enjoying a good coffee, you know?

And on this particular day, I definitely wanted coffee. Maybe a pour over? I wasn’t sure yet, but figured I’d just peruse the menu and see what struck me.

WELL I’LL TELL YOU WHAT STRUCK ME.

The “how dare you interrupt me from whatever busy-work I was doing behind the counter” glare that I got from the older gentleman barista. Wow, sorry to interrupt your Father John Misty fan letter-writing hour. Honestly, he couldn’t have sighed any louder while he loomed over me and rudely stared at me while I was trying to look at the menu. Sorry for being a first-time at your uppity cafe, motherfucker, but not ALL places have the same offerings! I wanted to ask him what they specialize in, or if there was something he recommended because I was feeling spontaneous, but he did not give off even a WHIFF of it being OK to speak to him further than placing an order.

So, I went with a fucking latte. I think it was actually lavender which is no big deal anymore because more often than not, a cafe has the syrup for that. But when I started to ask if they had soy, he cut me off and said, with 0 personality, “We don’t have soy. We have oat or almond.”

OAT. OAT? Are you fucking kidding me? I hate this place so hard. Go fuck yourself in a wash basin of oat milk, you pretentious milk-elitist.

The latte was expensive and only OK. I will probably not be back unless someone can guarantee that one of the avuncular-looking folk featured on the website will be there to take my order and/or hold my hand while I try something new.

Fucking oat milk.

(I ordered my latte with the oat milk.)

(I hate myself.)

5. Leaf & Bean

OK! My last cafe for this edition of Erin Drinks Too Much Coffee is Leaf & Bean, also in the Strip. It’s quite a ways away from my work, but it was worth nearly getting hit by a car in an alley as I flail-ran to get there in enough time.

The guy working also had zero personality/interest in smiling, however, I didn’t really expect much from him from the moment I walked in. He was like, if Henry was forced to be a barista. That’s the best way I can describe it. But, unlike the oat milk dick, this guy didn’t make me feel super small or like I wasn’t fancy enough to be there.

Besides, the aesthetics of this place totally negated the lack of rapport from the barista. The shop doubles as a cigar bar and it was like walking into some dark Havana boys’ club.

Reasonable prices, pretty standard offerings, but the ambiance is what made this place great. I’d like to go back sometime when I’m not on my lunch break and just hang out for a bit, not smoking a cigar.

Well, guys, that’s my latest cafe review for you. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. This ain’t Yelp.

Here’s a story about shoes because I am just that boring these days. Last weekend I was at the mall because I wanted new shoes for vacation. First I went to Journeys because I wanted Adidas, but for some reason I ended up gravitating to this one pair of Vans. The kid who brought out my size would not stop hovering and it was so awkward because each shoe was 100% unlaced so I had to struggle with that while under a spotlight and it was just too much for meek ol’ Erin. Like, can a girl lace up her shoes in private, please?  I barely tried them on. I got one on my left foot, wiggled my toes around, declared it A Fit, and then checked out.

As the kid was sliding the box into the bag, the Journeys guy at the register next to him looked over and said, “Ooh, Vans platforms! Nice!”

I laughed nervously and as we walked out of the store, I whispered to Henry, “What did he mean by that?” and Henry was just like, “I only pay attention when people are talking about plain New Balances, so I don’t know.”

I quickly looked up the shoes on my phone and they were definitely platforms, like an entire inch and a half. I hate platforms! I’m 5’4″ and like being on the shorter side! So now these shoes just looked like fucking pee Wee Herman shoes to me. “Well, I can’t wear these. We have to take them back.”

Henry wanted to do it right then but I was like, “THAT IS EMBARRASSING. You can return them tomorrow.” Lol.

So he did, he went to a different mall the next day and returned them for me. Then I went to a third mall on a mission to just buy the fucking Adidas I had my eyes on in the first place, and even though Henry tried to veer me in the right direction, I was like, “No. I want to try this place first.”

And that is how I ended up in a store called Jimmy Jazz, purchasing a pair of soft pink Pumas from the juniors section. I loved them for half a day until I wore them to work the next day and realized after the fourth time I tripped on the walk to the trolley that they were just too big. How did I not realize this at the store!? The fact that they’re a 6.5 and my other kids’ shoes are a 5 should have probably been a good indication, but I hate shopping and just want to get the hell out of the mall and all I cared about was that they felt cozy.

Of course they felt cozy! They’re nearly two sizes too big! My fucking feet could have a banquet in there! They were flopping around like it was the 1990s and slam-dancing was still a thing!

I don’t know what that means!

Let’s just say that the shoes were too big and I looked like an idiot shuffling around downtown in clown shoes.

Even aside from wearing them, Henry had already thrown away the receipt so I couldn’t exchange them for a smaller size.

So I gifted them to Chooch who doesn’t want them because OMG they’re pink and hello they’re not even really PINK, thank you, but more of a CORAL!! in the key of Rick Grimes.

Maybe even you could say salmon.

He won’t wear them to school but he did wear them out around the neighborhood yesterday (and almost immediately stepped in a pile of HUGE dog shit logs). I MEAN IF THE SHOE FITS, AMIRITE?

Anway, here are some pictures of him in the shoes because if I can’t get my $45 back, at least let me use them as a goddamn prop.

I also forgot to mention that I bought a really cute pair of Iron Fist shoes to wear on Valentines Day and they too were too big and have sitting in a box in the backseat of the car for over a month because Henry and I keep putting off sending them back.

I don’t know you guys, I think they’re cool as hell and Chooch can honestly pull it off, pink or not.

We did have to turn around and run into an alley at one point though because he saw jerks from his school and didn’t want to be seen, but I’m not sure if it was the shoes or his MOM he was more ashamed of.

Well, that’s my story about how somehow after 38 years I have turned into the goddamned Goldilocks of shoes. I’m 0 for 3. Bye now.

I know this will be surprising, but St.

Patrick’s Day is pretty much the only holiday that I don’t get even a little excited about. The only reason I even knew it was St. Patrick’s Day is because I live in Pittsburgh and they love that shit here. So all week during my lunch break walks, I had it rubbed in my face by street vendors shilling shamrock Steelers shirts, stores dressing up their windows with leprechauns and pots o’ gold, and cafes inseminating their lattes with hearty squirts of mint and naming it something lucky. I think that they should offer sweet potato lattes like they have in Korea, a nice little hat-tip to the potato famine. IT DOESN’T ONLY HAVE TO BE ABOUT MINT, PEOPLE.

Except for Kelly’s Bar — that shamrock sign has been there since the beginning of time…

clearly.

Even stinky Wholey’s got into the spirit by dressing up their stuffed bear mascot, which by the way, I always catch in my periphery and think that it’s a real person and start to say hello. Something similar happened the other day, farther down the street, when I thought some bitch was staring at me. I was on the phone with Henry and as I walked closer to her, I was hissing to Henry about how I was going to punch this broad who couldn’t take her eyes off me for some reason, and then once she was about three feet away I realized it was a mannequin.

I have really got to do something about my eyes, you guys.

We had a shamrock-y pot luck at work yesterday but I was working from home so Henry got a reprieve from having to make something for me to take in. I was kind of glad to not have to be there because I am so low-key pouty on St.

Patrick’s Day for some reason, and I don’t really think it’s all just because of the Fork Foul of 1992. Maybe it’s because I spent most of my childhood enduring Erin Go BRAAAAAAA jokes or perhaps it’s because I just generally dislike the idea of yet another excuse for drunk people to run rampant and piss everywhere. Whatever the reason, I just don’t really care much for this day but I’m trying to not be too bitter about it.

I do really like Shamrock Shakes though, so thank you, McDonald’s for making this holiday slightly more bearable for me!

Oh, and don’t let my name fool you — I’m 0% Irish.

I officially have less than a week to get through before vacation and it’s been dra-hahahahaha-gging. I’ve been doing very little lately in order to conserve energy and money for our trip, but here is a round-up of pictures and mediocre points of interest.

• Drew and Penelope’s condo has a big addition now and HENRY ACTUALLY HELPED! Here’s what happened: Chooch brought up this large box from the basement and I suggested that he connect it to the main part of their estate with a large circle opening (not shown, this is just a small window that Drew’s peeking out of). Well, this turned into A Thing because Chooch was all, “MY PROTRACTOR ISN’T THAT BIG” and we were like “WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO” so Henry sighed his “goddammit” sigh, disappeared into the basement and re-emerged with an actual power saw-thing!! Henry put on his construction-pants and helped make the Cat Estate Great Again, we couldn’t believe our eyes! Anyway, after he made a same-sized opening in both boxes (which, had I done it, they would have been way different circumferences and probably not even near each other), and then decided that he was sick of Chooch using all of his duct tape so he went to Lowe’s and got these plastic things to hold the boxes together! So now only part of their house looks like a hobo built it!

• Remember how my neighbor got arrested last week? WELL GUESS WHAT. I was on my lunch break walk on Wednesday, getting ready to cross the street by the Westin, when WHO WALKED PAST ME BUT TED!!!! I was on the phone with Henry and started saying, “OMGOMGOMG” in a very huminahumina-type of way. We made eye contact and then he kept walking so I was like, “DOES HE HONESTLY RECOGNIZE ME AFTER ALL OF THOSE FRIENDLY NEIGHBOR-WAVES WE SHARED?!” but I think he was purposely avoiding me. He was walking into town with papers in his hand, so Henry said maybe he was going to meet his lawyer? He apparently posted bail and has a hearing next week, but he hasn’t been back home as far as we know since everything happened last week. His car hasn’t moved, however!! The broad was back yesterday. Henry said she was very quiet over there, although Chooch said he heard her going up and down the steps. She came and left twice so our assumption is that she was getting her stuff? She better leave and never come back, that snitch!

• I had dinner with Barb at Amel’s the other night and it was awesome as usual! I miss seeing her and talking to her everyday — I can’t believe it’s been three years since she left the law firm! Anyway, my favorite part of the night was when she was showing me her Pinterest full of potential hairstyles and we spent a good minute looking at this one she had pinned which was so wild! It was a really cool fauxhawk in an unnatural silver/platinum color. “Yeah, I really like it a lot too,” Barb said, half-convinced that this was going to be her Hairstyle of Tomorrow, before slowly realizing that she wasn’t showing me the right pins. She eventually found the right ones, which were all great too, but now I’m sad that Barb isn’t getting a metallic silver lady fauxhawk. :(
• • Runner-up moment: when we fell down the Salem rabbit hole and talked about Days of Our Lives for 20 minutes.

• For at least a year, Chooch has been hounding Henry for a neck pillow because he’s a geriatric pre-teen. (“I can’t walk any farther because my hip hurts,” is an actually complaint he gives from time to time.) We went to Target last weekend and he FINALLY got his damn neck pillow which came with a bonus sleep mask. Also, it’s from Love, Taza which made me laugh because she’s such an obnoxious blogger with like 79 separate forums on GOMI (Barb, before you ask, that stands for “Get Off My Internet”). Chooch walks around the house with it around his shoulders. He’s such a diva.

• I made the bed the other day and it was such a big Suzy Homemaker accomplishment for me that I took a picture because I knew it wouldn’t last long since we live like college kids. And then I started to laugh because NOTHING IN OUR HOUSE MATCHES. I like it that way, but I can only imagine the anxiety it would cause for other people. Our pillow cases not only don’t match the comforters, but they don’t match each other either, lol. Can you guess which one is Henry’s? NOT THE BANANAS. Henry lays his precious head down on pretty hearts and skulls.

• Chooch and I have been desperately trying to get Henry to power-up to a cooler wardrobe…OK but not even so much “cool” as “less lame and logo-oriented.” Almost all of his shirts are from work so he’s a walking beverage advert. We wanted him to at least just get better-fitting jeans and some normal shirts to take to Korea but he’s like, “I WILL WEAR WHAT I WANT” so basically he’s going to be an American ahjussi, which is fine. You do you, Hank. But then I started cracking up imagining him starting a new “middle-age beverage warehouse manager” fashion trend in Korea. All the young kids out there wearing dad jeans, dirty white New Balances, and Faygo t-shirts. Oh, what a sight!

There was a bird out there mocking them.

• I think Penelope’s lip got cut in one of her battles with Drew. They don’t like, HATE EACH OTHER, but they definitely don’t go out of their way to hang out together, either. And I think Drew gets mad because in her head, she’s the alpha but Penelope never backs down and if she’s even a little bit afraid of Drew, she certainly doesn’t show it!

• We went to the nearly-closed down mall last week so I could get new shoes (it was a fail – I bought a pair of furry Pumas from their juniors line and didn’t realize until I had already trekked through most of downtown in the them on Monday that they’re TOO BIG, a pair of fucking KIDS SHOES. I was flopping around like a clown out there!). Anyway, I took this picture of the main entrance area of the mall because it’s so goddamn sad and you would honestly think it’s abandoned just from this view. They have a small Easter area set up and I was like, “CHOOCH LET’S GET YOUR PICTURE TAK—–OMG IS THE EASTER BUNNY SLEEPING IN THE CHAIR?!” but Chooch snapped, “That’s a STUFFED ANIMAL.” Sorry, my eyes are not great! Also, anything’s possible at Century III Mall and a passed-out Easter bunny seems pretty apropos.

• My favorite thing to do with Drew is play hide and seek. She gets so concerned when she suddenly can’t find! Usually, I’m just holding a pillow in front of my face or crouching down behind a dining room chair. She’ll start meowing loudly until she finds me, and then we’ll just stare at each and she cries louder. It’s so weird and fun. For someone who is so worried that I vanished, she never fucking cuddles with me!!

• Lori sent me a link from Time Magazine about how G-Dragon is getting so many emails sent to him at his military base that it shut down the servers. I forwarded it along to some of my other co-workers because I like it when I get the chance to show them that G-Dragon is so famous that THERE ARE SOME AMERICAN OUTLETS that recognize his fame. Amber replied, “How many emails did you send him, Erin!??!” A valid question! But even though I had the info, I swear to god I didn’t send any! I really wanted to, though.
• • We talk a good bit about the mandatory military enlistments at work, and I showed some of my co-workers the above (and adorable) photo of GD with his new military peeps, and that’s when we realized that I too was dressed like I was enlisting in the military which had me cracking up because it was 100% unintentional! I don’t take many full-body mirror pics, but this was an exception!

On that note, let’s end with a BIGBANG. Since 4/5 of them are now enlisted in the military, I’ve been taking comfort in all of the live performances they have on YouTube. What did we do before YouTube, you guys!? Between that and Roku, I barely ever turn on the regular TV. (Although I did fall asleep to CNN Tuesday night thanks to that fucking Special Election in Western PA that I couldn’t vote in because it wasn’t my dumb district, whatever that means.) Right, so…here’s a video of one of their live performances from 2015. A quick explanation: it starts out with “Crayon,” a G-Dragon solo song, but instead of GD, the other members of BIGBANG come out one by one and sing it before G-Dragon finally appears for the beginning of “Fantastic Baby.” This entire performance makes me so happy! You should watch it.

I know, it seems crazy that I went from listening to screamo and post-hardcore almost exclusively, but the charisma of BIGBANG is really hard to ignore. Even with all of those other bands that I have loved for years, I never really knew any of the members, but with BIGBANG (and a lot of kpop groups), there are five very distinct personalities there and the more you learn about each one, the harder it is to have a favorite (although it will always be G-Dragon for me!). Their performances are nutso and even though they might be going silent for the next two years, they will still be the fucking kings of kpop. Legends.

When of the reviews I got in my non compos cards shop was that they loved my cards a lot but wish there was more variety/types of cards. I get it, and I got you. I have several future plans in my head (especially for more Valentines, which are my favorites to make) but to start, I’m focusing on notecard sets. I’ve already posted the serial killer set (I’m working on set #2!), and a BTS set (next up is a Kpop assortment!), and last weekend I finished this divine Golden Girls set!

It features 8 cards, 2 for each G-Girl, featuring trademark sayings or funny one-liners from the series.

I wanted the backgrounds to be as Miami as possible, and I think these give off a good Golden Girls’ lanai vibe. Yay or nay?

That Sophia one up there says “May you put your dentures in upside down & chew your head off” and I can’t wait for the day I can say that to Henry!

I’d use glittery cardstock for all of our cards but Henry is like, “Not on my watch.”

These are great all-occasion cards! Perfect for when you want to tell your sister that she’s being a slut puppy or when you want to cheer up a co-worker through interoffice mail.

This one is my favorite.

Also the background reminds me of my grandparents’ bedroom. Hey speaking of my grandparents! Here’s a picture I found from probably 1987. I can look at this picture and tell you that for sure it was either a Friday or Saturday night because my sleepover routine was to take a shower, put on probably one of my aunt’s old classy beer t-shirts, then my aunt Sharon would wrap my hair in a towel and my grandma would scratch my back while we watched either Hunter if it was Friday or Golden Girls & Empty Nest if it was Saturday.

(Was MacGyver on Saturdays, too?)

Shit, I would give anything to go back to 1987 and sleep over my grandparents’ house one more time.

But yeah, all of this is just to say that like so many of you out there, I freaking cherish the Golden Girls. Making these cards was pretty therapeutic!

PERHAPS WRITING IN THEM WILL BE THERAPEUTIC FOR YOU! Here’s the link to buy a set!

BIGBANG gifted us with 3:50 of pure beauty today and I am once again for leaving for work with freshly-watered eyeballs.

With G-Dragon joining T.O.P. in the military last month, Taeyang enlisting yesterday, Daesung enlisting today, and Seungri joining them all soon, this song is bitter-fucking-sweet. I want to thank them for bringing so much happiness to my life when I needed it most.

They all sound so sweet in this song. Forever kings.

Here’s the lyric video too for anyone interested in that! The lyrics are so beautiful.

I don’t feel like writing an intro to this post about work but I guess I just did. LIFE IS FUNNY THAT WAY.

The Fig Bars

The department boss is way too good to us and keeps a table stocked full of delicious treats. She clearly knows that at the heart of it all, we are truly little children who can be comforted by snacks. It works, it really does. Usually she provides crackers, peanuts, little snack packs of cookies such as Oreos and Nutter Butters, granola bars…but lately, there have been these freaking delicious Fig Bars up in there too. They’re like hipster Fig Newtons, when I really think about it, but so damn good. I’m always complaining about how there need to be more in each package (THERE ARE ONLY TWO?!).

One day last week, Todd walked past my desk on his way back from shopping at the snack table. “These fig things are so good,” he said, which reminded me of their existence, so I felt that I needed to also get up and get one.

Imagine my horror when I rounded the corner to Snack World and the Fig Bar bowl was EMPTY. I didn’t want peanut butter crackers or a Twizzler! I wanted a FIG BAR and TODD took the LAST ONE!

Oh, there was hell to pay when I returned to my desk. I felt like he stabbed me in the back, like he was purposely planting that seed of WANT into my head, when I wasn’t even hungry now that I think about it!

The next day, Glenn was coming inside from lunch and mumbled that there were more Fig Bars out there, so Todd and I literally raced each other down the hall. I won, but the bowl was fully stocked so I don’t really know why we were racing.

Those things are just so delightful! Way better than Fig Newtons. The outer part is all grainy and nutricious-seeming.

I made sure to thank Sue on my way back to my desk because I want her to know that she should never stop providing them. Um, I think we all get more work done too whenever we eat them.

A few days later, I cut off Jeannie when we were both reaching for a Fig Bar at the same time, because I’m ruthless.

Hearing Loss

At our Monday meeting last week, Amber was telling us that our guest speaker wasn’t there that day because she had an ear infection.

“What?” Glenn asked.

After repeating herself, Amber jokingly asked, “Do you have an ear infection too?”

“No, but I honestly can’t hear out of my one ear,” Glenn explained, at which point I started bouncing in my chair, desperate to interrupt.

“IS IT BECAUSE YOU SAT TOO CLOSE TO THE STAGE AT WOODSTOCK!?” I squealed, dying with laughter.

“Oh my god,” Todd sighed, and then Amber had to explain to our co-worker, who was just put on speakerphone in the middle of my outburst, why I was choking to death on laughter. I don’t know why I thought this was so funny but I was doing everything short of patting myself on the back over it.

Later that night, I was trying to recreate the scene for Henry and I started crying because I was laughing so hard.

“It’s not even that funny, but still…” I wheezed.

“You’re right. It’s not that funny,” Henry agreed in that disapproving tone he reserves just for me and Chooch.

Confusing Calendar

A lot of people here hate my Korea countdown calendar because the numbers aren’t displayed in normal calendar fashion. My kpop friend on Instagram was like, “Who’s even looking at the number?!” and I was like, “GIRL YOU KNOW.” That’s not why we buy these things.

Amber asked me if I got the calendar inside Teen Beat and I said, “I wish, it would have been way cheaper that way!” God. Korea goes hard with their yearly planners, you guys. This SHINee one was like $50 or something, I can’t remember now, I always black out after buying something because I hate spending money.

Nate and Sandy were trying to make sense of it the other day but couldn’t. “This calendar is chaos,” Sandy spat, while Nate was half-way to a headstand trying to figure out how much longer until I leave.

It just makes me love it that much more!

Rumors

I realized suddenly after Cheryl sneezed last week that Glenn never says “bless you” after anyone sneezes. I waited until he walked away from his desk before lasso’ing Lauren into the theory quickly developing in my murky mind.

“Lauren,” I whispered hoarsely. “Have you ever noticed that Glenn never says ‘bless you’?”

She considered this for an entire second and then shook her head no. I know she felt bad about it too because she hates saying no to me.

“Well, he doesn’t….do you think he’s a Satanist?” I blurted.

“What? No!” she nervously laughed.

“I’m going to ask him.” And then when Glenn walked past me on his way back to his desk, I casually asked, “Glenn you never say bless you after someone sneezes is it because you’re a Satanist?”

“I can’t believe you just asked him that,” Lauren said, turning around so she wouldn’t have to be involved.

“Wow, that’s really what you came up with because of that?” Glenn asked. “You’re the one with the pentagram rug in your house! Are you recruiting?”

TOUCHÉ, GLENN.

This was better than the time everyone was supposed to wear a certain color to support women and Glenn missed the memo so I tried to spread the rumor that he hated women, but not as good as the time Barb tried to start a rumor for no reason that Glenn is a lesbian.

Speaking of Cheryl sneezing though, she was also choking one day last week too and I stood up and shouted, “CHERYL ARE YOU OK” in the most fake-sincere tone I could muster. Cheryl played along and exaggeratedly thanked me for being so concerned about the status of her windpipe.

“Sickening,” Todd mumbled, while Glenn was suspiciously mute.

Finally, Glenn calmly said, “There’s so many things to say that I just froze up.”

THE LOST WALLET SAGA

I was having a pretty lowkey Friday morning when suddenly, I was nearly to work and realized that I didn’t have my work badge. So, already that’s a sucky feeling because it means you have to go to the security desk, hope they believe you when you say that you really are an employee and not just a recently-canned disgruntled employee back for revenge. But then you’re like, trapped within your department all day too, while trying to remember when you last saw it and if you should email Facilities now or later to report it lost and then be forced to pay for a new one, UGH.

But there was still hope that it was on my desk. I’ve done that many times, left my dumb badge-thing on my desk. But it wasn’t there!

So I went to the kitchen because I was on late shift the night before and I could vividly remember setting it on the table while I was washing my BIGBANG cup. BUT IT WAS NOT THERE.

Now panic was definitely setting in and here’s why: EVERYTHING IS IN THAT BADGE HOLDER. So much of my life is in there that I refer to it as my wallet but it’s not even meant to be a wallet, it’s a Pusheen ID holder and I shove all of my credit cards, my drivers license, my trolley ConnectCard….all of the shit I need everyday, in other words. And this was literally ONE DAY after I swore that I had to go back to using a real wallet after struggling to get my license out of it.

Well, good job Erin because now you’re going to have to get brand new cards to put in the wallet, I sadly thought to myself.

Todd works early on Friday so he was lucky to be there to watch my panic go from 0 to 60. And then Glenn arrived right when I was on a cleaning person-blaming tangent.

I couldn’t focus on anything. My ears were ringing and my face was flushed. Amber walked by and I blurted out that I lost my wallet.

“Oh, I’m sorry, that sucks!” she said.

“It’s OK,” I sighed, and then before she made it around the corner, I turned and shouted, “IT’S NOT OK!”

Cheryl told me to call Reception and see if anyone had turned it in. I was like “FUCK A PHONE CALL” and emailed instead, which got really fun when I reached the point of my email where I had to describe my wallet.

“It’s purple, soft, and shaped like a cat.”

It took AN HOUR for reception to email me back and say, “NO SORRY NOT YET.”

James the mailroom guy came around for the first mail delivery of the day. Before he even had a chance to say hello, I cut him off. “WHAT, DO YOU HAVE MY WALLET?”

“…..no?” he answered nervously. So then I had to fill him in and Glenn and Todd were behind me, making the same eyes at James that elderly patients probably made at Jack Kevorkian.

“Did you check your desk?” he asked, and I was like “Yes duh” even though I only checked one drawer, twice. I just knew it wasn’t in my desk, OK?

OMG why was this happening two weeks before we leave for Korea? Another thing to stress about!

Lori came over to chat about nothing in particular. I let her finish while nervously squirming in my seat, and then I shouted, “I LOST MY WALLET.”

I heard Glenn sigh behind me, but I still launched back into the same story, verbatim.

“And I thought maybe I left it on the table in the kitchen…”

Then I had a thought!

Henry drove me to work that morning. When we were walking out of the house, I noticed that Chooch left his backpack! Luckily his school is right up the street so I told Henry I’d just jump out and run it in. Except that Henry wouldn’t come to a complete stop and I practically had to drop and roll out of the car, and in doing so, I forgot that my purse was on my lap and it fell into the middle of the street! MAYBE MY WALLET FELL OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF PIONEER?!

THAT WOULD BE MY LUCK!

I started thinking about all of the times I found and returned things lost by others: someone’s debit card at an ATM, a wallet on the sidewalk which was luckily right outside the person’s house so I didn’t have to go far, Ross’s Blackberry (technically that was Henry, so me by extension), Jeannie’s work ID!! Maybe I had collected enough Karma for someone else to return my wallet to me!?

Later that morning, Henry had enough of my crazy lady texts, so he drove home on his break and TEXTED ME A PICTURE OF MY WALLET! It was at home that whole time! I had to immediately send an email to everyone in our department who suffered through my sob story and Glenn mumbled, “When’s the movie coming out?”

Then James came down later and I yelled over to him that I found it and he said he had said a prayer for it! MY WALLET IS SO LOVED. Wendy was walking by during this exchange and looked confused, and I realized that she didn’t know about my lost-not-lost wallet so now I had a reason to tell the story again! Todd and Glenn put their earbuds in.

Lauren was working late shift from home that day so she missed this whole thing. Luckily for her, she ended up having to come into the office that afternoon so I got to fill her in. She was like, “Wow. I’m sorry I missed that.”

Whatever. YOU HAD TO BE THERE.