Listen, Linda. I haven’t been too excited about the end of the year Korean awards shows ever since BIGBANG has been hiatus, but Taemin performed at the MAMA Awards so I had to watch. I had to support him, even though I don’t support these dumb award shows because, if you’ll allow me to take a page from the TRUMP PLAY BOOK, “THEY’RE RIGGED, IT’S NOT FAIR!”

Honestly though you should do yourself a favor and watch this. It’s like, 8 minutes out of your life. That’s not a lot!

I’ll be back later with a proper weekend update, which was originally on my agenda for tonight (lol at the notion of me having an agenda) but then I was inspired to make another Christmas card for the shop, I went on walk, I talked to my mom, and I watched some episodes of The Crown. What a thrilling evening!!

Well, lest anyone forget that my side gig is greeting card slinger, I am here to shill my latest wares. New for the 2020 holiday season, I present to you four new cards waiting for the gong to be struck.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

PEERING RAMIREZ

First up, we have here a new Richard Ramirez design, in case the other ones in the shop weren’t tickling your pickles.

The inside says “so lock your door for christ’s sake.”

Nothing says “merry xmas I love you” better than some cautionary advice.

Fun fact about me: I used to leave my door unlocked all the time like it never occurred to me that it could be dangerous to do so while living in a city. One time, I was getting ready for bed and someone actually came into my house and put beer in my fridge. Then they started to come up the stairs, calling out my neighbor’s name. I was like, “Uh, wrong house” and they promptly retrieved their beer and left.

Somehow I feel like saying “wrong house” to the Night Stalker wouldn’t have worked but DID ANYONE TRY I wonder?

Anyway, I started dating my card-making partner (a/k/a Henry for those in the know) shortly after that and when he found out that I wasn’t locking my door, he was like, “Yeah, that ends now.” Whatta guy.

This card comes with an envelope. Maybe put one of those security system stickers inside it, too.

JIM JONES’ XMAS PUNCH

Next up, for those cult followers, might you be interested in this Jim Jones cheer-o-gram?

Who needs Jim’s punch when just ATTENDING a holiday party in 2020 could kill you.

This punchy Xmas card comes with an envelope. Maybe tuck in the recipe to your favorite festive refreshment like they probably did in olden days. I recommend finding one that requires a Jello mold and maraschino cherries.

The inside just says Cheers. I opted to steer clear of any COVID-themed messages on cards this year because I’m hoping that the 2020 holiday season is the only time they’ll be relevant.

Anyway, my friend Rocky messaged me last night and asked me if I have any Jimmy Jam Jones Christmas cards and I realized at that moment that I only had a birthday card and Valentine! WTF, Erin. What kind of card shop are running here?!

And that’s how I wound up sitting in front of Photoshop until midnight instead of watching The Crown, but that’s OK! I haven’t been feeling very productive or creative lately so this past week has given me hope that the Dad Joke/Sick Fuck side of my brain hasn’t atrophied. But then I start thinking about how I really need to redesign my mini Valentines and I’m suddenly not feeling so energetic anymore.

DECK THE HALLS

My kid gave me the “wow, that’s a stretch” grimace when he looked at this card, but COME ON most of those retro holiday card messages were questionable too! Anyway, this fresh holiday greet features the festive mugs of Ed Kemper, Aileen Wuornos, Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, and David Berkowitz. Will it inspire the recipient to slip into some latex gloves and a ski mask? YOU WON’T KNOW UNLESS YOU PURCHASE THE CARD.

It comes with an envelope that could double as a hat if they’re looking for additional layers of disguise.

I was just really stoked to use that retro background, man.

GEINDEER

Better think twice before investigating that CLICK CLICK CLICK you hear on your roof, is all I’m saying.

Come with an envelope made of paper and not stretched skin, which is probably what Ed Gein mailed his Christmas cards in.

I couldn’t resist making this dumb card, even though Henry was like, “OK, ha. Ha…” Look, it took me a long time make this and I still have a headache from staring at the computer screen and that stupid “Up On the Housetop” song got stuck in my head and I got really agitated because I spent my whole life thinking it was “Up on the Rooftop” until my kid was in kindergarten and had to sing that for the holiday assembly and I was like WHAAAT THEY’RE GETTING THE WORDS ALL FUCKED UP” and then everyone on Facebook was like, “No. You are wrong and everyone else is right” and I felt so attacked because I’m one of those people who rarely gets corrected because most people in my inner circle are too afraid to call me out when I’m wrong so when it actually happens (I mean, it’s rare, because I’m pretty fucking perfect), I will dwell on it for days (lol, years) and then Google things like HOW DO WITCHES HURT PEOPLE and TOOLS FOR CUTTING THE BRAKE CABLE and also WHERE IS THE BRAKE CABLE.

Yeah, so! The inside of this card is blank. You can write anything you want inside, like your own lyrics to that dumb carol, for example.

Well, that’s it for me at this time. Maybe I’ll churn out some more before it becomes too close to Xmas, we’ll see! In the meantime, enjoy the four new ones and check out the whole Xmas collection at the shop!

You guys. On Wednesday, those of us in the Pittsburgh office of the law firm who celebrated a five-year incremental anniversary this year (is that even how you would classify that??) were invited to attend a virtual recognition ceremony. I have had to type “recognition” approx. 27 times this week and have tried to squeeze a “z” in there each and every time. Just a little fun, behind the scenes look into my deteriorating brain.

From my department, there were 8 of us I think, from Debby who is celebrating FORTY YEARS, to Carrie who is celebrating 5! In 2010, Sandy, Nate, Mitch, and I were all hired. It was a banner year, clearly. Sandy created a 10 YEAR group chat in Jabber so the four of us could be jerks during the presentation, which entailed viewing a 30ish minute long video of what the world and the firm were like in each year us anniversary people were hired, starting with 1980 because of Debby and some other lady who I think is a practice assistant.

At the end, the…leader of the firm, the Firmfather? announced that it was raffle time and I started to peace out because I don’t usually win shit. Out of the 55ish of us being recognized, 10 were going to win a $50 gift card. But then Firmfather said, “so if your name is called, I’m going to unmute you so can acknowledge that you heard your name get called. And you know what, why don’t you also say a few things about what you remember from when you started. Give us a memory or something.”

My Jabber blew up. Everyone was like OMG ERIN IS TOTALLY GETTING CALLED FOR THIS. And Amber, who was also watching the presentation since everyone’s supervisors and managers are required to attend, Jabbered me as well saying I WANT U TO WIN SO BAD.

Why does everyone hate me??

So now I’m sitting there all clammy and pale, chanting PLEASE DONT CALL ME PLEASE DONT CALL ME and Chooch, who was getting ready to leave for the teen center, sidled up next to me and asked DID SOMEONE SAY RAFFLE. So now I have Chooch crossing his fingers, saying WIN IT WIN IT over and over while the admin lady is pulling out names, and I’m in major fight or flight mode right now. I mean, all I had to do was leave the call. I could have just left, and they would be like “ok pick another name Mary!” when they saw I wasn’t in the participant list. Just in case, my mind started flipping through a psychic rolodex of FIRM MEM’RIES from 2010 that weren’t inside jokey or completely inappropriate to share with Firmfather and the other however many randos were on the call, and then…

Well, BY NOW YOU HAVE GUESSED IT. I WAS A WINNER. THEY CALLED MY DUMB STUPID PIECE OF SHIT NAME. I have never wanted to lose something so badly in my life!

I did what I do best in these situations: I completely vacated my body and replaced myself with FAKE PROFESSIONAL ERIN who managed to improvise a wholesome memory on the spot.

This was my memory:

“Well, Firmfather, I was hired in 2010 to work the late shift. There were already two other Erin/Aarons in the department, so I became known as ‘Night Erin.'”

Not super exciting, but also not something scandalous that was going to embarrass the directors of my department, who were all listening! Anyway, I didn’t think it was all that great, but Firmfather gave a hearty laugh and said, “I LIKE THAT” and I was like “PLEASE TO BE MUTED NOW” and then everyone from my department who witnessed this contacted me immediately, like “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and I was like, “Let’s never speak of this again.”

Meanwhile, Wendy texted me and was like, “NO YOU’RE NOT NIGHT ERIN, YOU’RE—”

and here is where I will interrupt Wendy’s text and tell you that there was a second part to the story that I did share on that call, because I just didn’t feel like it.

So, I didn’t meet Wendy until a month or two after I got hired, because she was in Warsaw assisting with the opening of a new firm office. By the time she came back, I was already firmly indoctrinated as Night Erin, and when she heard this, she said that it reminded her of the town wino where she grew up, and his name was Night Train. For some reason, she thought this name was way more suitable for me, and that’s how I became known as Night Train for like, too many years.

Anyway, Amber made sure to send an email to our group, squealing about how I had to talk during the presentation and people started asking IS THERE A TAPE.

Ugh.

But it got me thinking about all the much better memories I could have shared if this was like an off-the-record happy hour or something. So here are 4 more memories from my early years at the law firm.

1. WATERBREAK ’11: the time when some broad’s water literally broke in our restroom and pandemonium ensued
2. LAW FIRM LAMB CAKE: the cake that inspired an indie eyeshadow shade and its own theme song
3. WACKY WORM: the carnival ride that sparked the now legendary feud between Glenn and me
4. LAST MAIL IN REVERSE (no blog post): so there was this woman who used to come through our floor every day at the same time, calling out “last mail’ in every quadrant. My old co-worker and I were obsessed with her and one time, he challenged himself to race through the floor in order to catch her each time she said “last mail.” Collect ’em all, if you will. I dunno why we latched on so hard to this but it was funny to us how she appeared at the exact same time every day and never deviated from her course. So one time, for April Fool’s Day, I sidled up to Barb and whispered, “WHAT IF WE GOT LISA TO DO LAST MAIL IN REVERSE. IT WILL BLOW DEREK’S MIND.” So Barb was like LEAVE IT TO ME. So Lisa was like, “Um, ok sure I can do that, you fucking weirdos” and then we got one of our co-workers Mary to make up some project to keep Derek at his desk, because we knew he’d get up and start pacing as soon as he realized Lisa was late. I got Mitch to record it (he was pretending to peruse the contents of a bunch of engagement letter boxes near Derek’s desk and he looked SO SUSPISH but no one said anything). And then BAM, Lisa came out of nowhere with her LAST MAIL and Derek was like “that’s the worst prank ever” but he has like 8 kids now and I bet this tale is TOTALLY their favorite bedtime story. Either that or it’s a threat: EAT ALL YOUR GODDAMN PEAS OR I’M GONNA TELL YOU THE LAST MAIL STORY AGAIN TONIGHT.”

Well, that’s all for me. It’s been…a week.

In today’s edition of “less pandemic panic, more memories that are manic” (???? Sorry, sometimes I’m a rhyming try-hard) you’ll find me reminiscing about all the carousel selfie funtimes I had in 2019. I like to trick the encroaching depression by focusing on shit that makes me happy and you know, maybe it’s just a Band-aid in the grand scheme of things but for now, it’s getting the job done.

The best part was that I had to go through so many amusement park blog posts to collect these photos and it made me so happy doing a little skimming here and there. 2019 was so tight. This current year is definitely making me appreciate it all the more, in hindsight!

The first amusement park we visited in 2019 was King’s Island that April, but I guess it didn’t occur to any of us to go on the carousel (do they even have one? Now I can’t picture it in my mind), but Chooch and I hit up some horsies a month later when we went to Waldameer.

Then in June, Chooch and I went to Conneaut with Janna and this is the picture that actually kick-started the tradition of CAROUSELFIES. Seriously, this picture makes me so happy, it was such a stomach-achingly hilarious day, and I should probably just put this damn thing in a locket, to be QUITE FRANK.

This technically counts as a carouselfie: at some ice cream joint in the beginning of summer. This is when Henry hijacked our tradition because wah wah wah he always have to be included even though he’s so lame and I just want to bully him right off the school bus but then he’ll go tattle to the internet and everyone on the internet always takes his side!!

Ugh, being inclusive is so hard sometimes.

The next amusement park we went to was Lotte World in Korea but it was ridiculously crowded and the wait for the carousel was like 2 hours. So the NEXT carousel we rode was in Tokyo Disney Sea! Henry actually took this without bitching!

In August, we went to Kentucky Kingdom and Holiday World in Indiana during a long weekend. Here are those carousels! You can see that Henry is really starting to get a feel for a plaster horse between his legs.

…OK never mind, he’s back to grimacing.

Then we went to Cedar Point in September! That was truly a weekend of ups and downs but our time on the derby ride thingie was pleasant (I forgot how fast it goes though)!

In October, we went to King’s Dominion in Virginia for the first time and had so much fun! SO MUCH FUN that I have literally no recollection of riding the carousel there. Side note: there was recently some thing on Twitter where people were sharing pictures of celebrities they’ve been told that they look like so I was like “cool I’ll play too” even though I never think I look like anyone I’m told (especially not Maggie Gyllenhaal but I used to get that one the most). I used to get Claire Danes a lot too, especially when I was younger and I never saw that one either but I just glanced at myself in this King’s Dominion pic and I kind of actually see it in this one!

Also, wtf are all those people looking at? I’m having major FOMO right now.

The first weekend of November (ie the last of the Halloween festivities at amusement parks) we went to Lake Compounce in Connecticut and Dorney Park in Allentown, PA and it was a legit wonderful weekend (don’t worry – we still bickered a lot, we’re the Appledales, after all).

It was super cold at Lake Compounce, but mild at Dorney. Just in case any weather groupies are wondering.

People kept telling me that they liked my jacket all weekend and Chooch was like “No, it’s ugly. I hate it.”

And then our very last carouselfie happened one year ago this month, at Silver Dollar City in Branson, Missouri. THAT WAS A FUN TRIP TOO BUT IT WAS FUCKING COLD, MAN.

Honorable mention: Chooch and I also went to Kennywood in August but for some reason we didn’t ride the carousel (we were too busy fucking with the coasters) but I did manage to take a moody pic of it before we left that night.

I wonder how much it would cost to get one of those little coin-operated carousels for the house….I could get rid of the dining room table and put it there. We could call it the diningsel. Dinner-Go-Round. Merry-Go-Lunch. Give me a break man, my brain is atrophied.

OK back to reality, a/k/a COVID-times. Have a nice night. If you dream about carousels after looking at these pictures before bed, you have to tell me!

I figured this past weekend would be a good time to Christmas-fy Trudy which was actually making  me feel exhausted and underwhelmed just by thinking about it. But then I scored a church pew through Craigslist, which my little bitchboy Hank went to pick up Saturday morning and suddenly I was fully energized by the prospect of doing a full refresh on this corner of the house!

We’ve had a big, overstuffed chaise lounge in that corner since…well, almost since as long as I’ve lived here. I remember this vividly because my mom bought it for me when I was working at the dumb meat place, before I met Henry, so this must have been around 2000, and I needed someone to be at my house when the guys delivered it so I asked THAT BITCH KERI who keeps coming up in my memories for some reason and hopefully not because she’s about to penetrate my life in some way, ugh. Anyway, Keri literally lived down the street in the same fucking neighborhood as me and didn’t work during the day so I was like “can you come and stay at my house on this afternoon etc” and she was like “NO SORRY I AM TIRED.” Or “SORRY I WILL BE WATCHING MOVIES” because that was her excuse for everything unless she had a headache which was her ultimate NO CAN DO card.

(EDIT: Janna just alerted me to the fact that she came to my house and waited for the chair to be delivered since dumb Keri wouldn’t! I can’t believe I forgot about that! Actually, I can because I am officially an old broad with a walnut brain.)

All of that is to say the same damn chair has been in that corner of the room for 20 years and no one even sits on it really unless I have people over and it just takes up so much damn room. So we moved it onto the back porch where it fits perfectly and will be my new reading chair since now it doesn’t butt up against a shared wall which was one of the reasons I quit sitting in it – the series of loud ass neighbors we’ve had.

I’m gonna get a small coffee table for that corner too at some point DON’T RUSH ME OK.

My co-workers started an email thread about this picture and Henry was like, “thx erin.” Lol. Amber said it looks like quarantine has softened him but Glenn was like MORE LIKE HE’S BROKEN FROM YEARS OF BEING BEAT DOWN.

Henry agreed with Glenn.

Every little change is such a big deal for these girls.

Truth be told, it doesn’t take that long to decorate Trudy anymore. We just leave the lights on her all the time now and have adopted a “less is more” attitude with it. And especially now that she has a co-tree in Taemin, we don’t want her to overshine him too much, you know?

Christmas isn’t my favorite holiday but I love the way the house makes me feel when it’s (extra) lighted. The power of a couple strands of twinkle lights really goes a long way, and I don’t know about you, but having this kind of romantic mood lighting up in here helps me combat the sads. Come at me, seasonal depression!

Even Trudy understands the science behind wearing a mask.

YEAH HE HAS.

I definitely put out less decorations this year since we won’t be having any parties, but it still makes me feel peaceful.

Drew’s always gotta be in pictures. She knows.

It’s hard to believe that this is Trudy’s fifth (sixth??) Christmas with us already. We don’t have many “traditional” traditions but Trudy just feels so regular and normal. And if we’re being honest, she’s pretty low maintenance. We don’t have to chop her down, nor we have to lug her out of the attic and put her together. She’s just…always around. LIKE PART OF THE FAMILY. Love that babe.

(Fun fact: we actually tried to find her a boyfriend a few mths ago when JC Penney had a WE’RE CLOSING, PLEASE BUY IT ALL sale but we got there too late and there were no mannequins left. Is there a Tinder for mannequins?)