Last Sunday was much better than this Sunday so please excuse me while I look at pictures and remember the good times.

(Nothing terrible happened today, but I’m just having a bad mental health day and being ultra melodramatic about it boo hoo hoo.)

Drew is so excited that all the Christmas shit is strewn about the house again.

The first part of Sunday was actually quite aggravating. I had to go into the office to get my laptop. LOOOOONG ASS story short, I have always connected remotely a different way than most of my coworkers because I already had a bangin’ home computer set up with two monitors and couldn’t fathom trying to work off the tiny laptop they provide. I knew that there were ways to hook it up so that I could still work from my two monitors at home, but it seemed dumb and like A Hassle to deal with that when it was already so easy for me to do it the old way. I even asked the IT guys once if I should, and they were like, “IF IT AIN’T BROKE…” Anyway, then we got new laptops and whenever they swapped mine out on my desk at work, everything got all fucked up for me at home. I lose connection approx. 87x a minutes and if you know me, you probably think I am being hyperbolic, but in this case, I’m really not.

So we went to get my laptop so that Henry could try to set it up and the only good thing that came of it was that I had this cutie chocolate set waiting for me on my desk.

Everything else sucked. I had to call the help desk and MIKE or whoever I spoke with was basically like NO YOU CANNOT USE YOUR TWO HOME MONITORS OH WELL TOO BAD SO SAD and I was like FUCCKKKKK and even made Henry talk to him and it was just pointless. So I had to take the laptop BACK to work in order to be able to connect remotely as before.

This is still an on-going saga, btw, but the whole point was that I wanted to share the picture of the chocolate lol. While Henry was half-strangulated with computer cords, I shoved a piece of the chocolate in his mouth. He froze and asked, “Why was your hand wet?”

“Oh,” I shrugged. “That was just my spit.”

LOL.

(/end boring help desk issues.)

Then we both needed to walk that shit off (Henry was just as stressed as I was over this bullshit) so we went to Allegheny Cemetery. Henry took this dumb selfie when I gave him my phone to take a picture of me acting like a hooligan.

Me, acting like a hooligan.

Um, also I just noticed that the size of these pictures is dumb which means HENRY changed it before taking the pictures and I hate when he does that! This is the same size of picture his dumb phone takes!!

I think we spent most of the walk bitching about IT departments and me responding to everything Henry said with, “Your butt.”

It was actually a really nice, leisurely walk though.

Henry remembered that this Korean food truck, The Boonseek, was parked near the cemetery that day at a brewery (don’t care about the brewery part so I can’t tell you the name of it, so sorry) so we drove on over.

The Boonseek specializes in a Korean version of what we know as corndogs, but you guys, as with all Korean street food, it is so so so so so much better. You can get these all over the place in Korea from street vendors so it really tugged at my heart seeing them again, you know?

I was so happy that there were non-meat options! I got the Cheese Seeker and an order of kimbap for Chooch, and Henry got the original Boon Seeker (sausage and cheese) and bulgogi mandu.

Oh man. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I need to eat this at least once a week, honestly. I love how Korean street food is sweet and savory at the same time. The breading is sugary, the ketchup is sweet, the mustard is tangy, and the cheese is SO CHEESY – I should have taken a picture of the cheese-pull. Combine all this with the satisfying crunch of fried breading and I dare you to not roll your eyes back into your head in taste-ecstasy. Good lord.

We were soooo full after this but also very very very content. Henry had one of these in Busan and said that this one was actually better! I love supporting local Korean food people. My inner hipster wants to be annoyed that dumb people are finally figuring out that Korean food/music/film/culture is amazing but I’m also really glad for this too because now it just makes it  more accessible for fanatics like me.

If only we can get an H-MART!!!.

Henry took this picture later that night. As soon as I sit down on the couch, Penelope comes over and plops down and evidently her bones turn to liquid.

Well, that’s all I have to say about last Sunday. It was fun spending time with Henry while CHOOCH was at work but now I’m dwelling on my work-from-home issues again so I guess blogging today is actually making my already dumb day worse. Woo!

You might be wondering what’s so great about Six Flags Over Georgia that would have driving like 10 hours to attend their “Holiday in the Park” event. I’m going to be real honest here: unless you’re a coaster enthusiast, I would not recommend going out of your way for this park because at the end of the day, it really is just a standard Six Flags joint. So like, DC Comic bullshit coming out of its asshole. And if you’re going SPECIFICALLY for Christmas festivities, you’d be better off just walking down the Christmas aisle at your local craft store because they don’t really bend over backward in this regard. Yeah, they have some lights, a Christmas tree, some cute Santa bullshit. But this ain’t Dollywood.

And their holiday snacks was basically three S’mores stations.

That being said, with low holiday expectations and knowing that Six Flags in general was not going to be wow’ing us with an array of seasonal amenities, we had a wonderful time here! Specifically, I should note, we went solely for the coasters. For me, it was because I wanted to get another RMC under my belt and they have one called Twisted Cyclone that I had been eying up for some time now!

And boy, Brenda, it did NOT disappoint. We got in line for it as soon as Six Flags opened the gates and I was shocked that this bad boy actually opened on time with the park. RMCs are notorious for opening late, having maintenance issues, issues. But nope, we only stood in line for about 20 minutes until the park officially opened at noon and then the station opened to us riffraff! Just wanted to note that while we were in line, Chooch was trolling people on Facebook marketplace selling Pokemon cards and golf carts (this was his latest obsession that day, buying a golf cart and reading laws to see if he could drive it to work, omg) by suggesting ridiculously low counter-offers along with sob stories about how he’s such a good boy but his dad won’t spend any money on him. So, that was fun.

The coaster manufacturing company of my dreams, RMC, revamped the original Georgia Cyclone back in 2018, added their signature bangin’ tracks, threw in some inversions, and that’s basically the BIRTH STORY of Twisted Cyclone. Yooooo, I really liked it! Usually, when you ride an RMC first thing during the day, it could be a bit sluggish but this bad boy was HAULING. Chooch rode in the back with some old dude who was like, “IS THIS YOUR FIRST TIME ON THIS” and Chooch probably just grunted in response, but if I were him, I’d have said, “YES BUT THIS IS MY SEVENTH RMC OVERALL” but that’s just me, I guess!

Speaking of Chooch, here he is later on in the day when he was like, “I am not waiting for you guys” and grabbed an empty seat on the train before ours. MR. INDEPENDENT. BYE, BITCH.

We rode this several more times at night and WOO BOY was it running like a fucking bull. This isn’t the longest or the best RMC but it’s definitely AN RMC: if you know, you know! Relentless, forceful, maniacal, it takes you for a RIDE. I never rode Georgia Cyclone but I can’t imagine that it was better than Twisted Cyclone. I honestly had no complaints.

Look at it back there!

I bet Henry was staring dreamily at that plane in the sky while I was taking this picture.

And you’d think, all that being said, that it would have been my favorite ride in the park….but….

…they have a B&M hyper.

…it’s called Goliath.

…but after one ride, I was calling it Daddy.

First of all, all of our rides on this were either a walk-on or a station wait. The ops were incredible and the Goliath crew was very on top of things when it came to scoping out cell phones in the hands of the riders. One time when we were in line for the front row (with the two most hilarious and TV-ready 3rd grade boys behind us), we watched two back-to-back trains get stopped on the lift hill because of cell phones.

PEOPLE: DO NOT TAKE YOUR FUCKING PHONES ON ROLLER COASTERS.

Also big shout to the Georgia Scorcher crew who were fucking hilarious and entertaining. Especially on our second ride that night when we FINALLY talked Henry into riding it. It’s a stand-up coaster and he was not too interested in having his balls crushed, but he did it for us lol. Anyway, it broke down right as it was starting to go up the lift hill. Luckily, we were in the back row so our end of the train had just barely left the station. The two young ride ops did a really great job walking up the tracks to ensure everyone that it was fine and to doublecheck all of the restraints. There were three teen boys in front of us and one of them was wigging the fuck out and then I was starting to feed off his anxiety so it helped when one of the ride ops stood next to Henry and said, “You did this. You made it break” and I was like, “OMG DID HE REALLY??”, distracted by my sudden glee that Henry did a bad, but he was just joking. :( Anyway, I wish I had gotten that guy’s name because he was definitely my favorite ride op of the whole damn day.  I EVEN MENTIONED HIM WHEN I TOOK THE SIX FLAGS LATER THAT WEEK.

The Riddler’s Mindbender was retracked and painted for 2021 and I will admit, it looked bangin’. I LOVE green and purple as a color scheme. The coaster itself was OK. It’s a good family coaster, and a perfect introduction to LOOPS for little kids. I was mad because some twat mom in a Gatlinburg zip-up hoodie CUT IN LINE with her children. Aside from that and some young kids beating the system by waiting for their friends to get to the front of the line and then running up the Fast Lane entrance and begging the ride ops to let them join their group, line jumping wasn’t too bad that day. It also was hardly crowded either so there was really no point in even bothering to cut. But you know, some cunts in Gatlinburg gear just gotta cheat the system.

OMG Monster Mansion was SO CUTE. But it was also the longest line we stood in (nearly an hour!) because the ops were slow as fuck, but also because some douchebag white dad decided to be cute and rock the boat as soon as he and his family got on the ride. I missed this whole part, but Henry said the ride op was yelling at him to stop and he was still doing it as the boat entered the mansion. Fast forward a few minutes later and the RIDE WAS SHUT DOWN. We opted to stay in line because we were nearly to the front, and Henry was like, “I bet it was because that asshole tipped his boat.” After about 15 minutes, the boats started to come back out and SURE ENOUGH that guy was looking RULL SHEEPISH as his boat crept out of the tunnel.

By now, a bunch of other Six Flags employees had congregated down on the platform, including a supervisor named JASMINE who was so nice (I’m basing this on the fact that I was spying on her talking to the young guys running the ride and she just seemed like a fucking joy if I’m being honest, OK? Jasmine for president). It sounded like the one ride op was telling her that the guy made his boat tip but they ended up just letting him go!?!? I would have totally flexed my power had I been in a sitch like that as a supervisor. Like, excuse me, Papa Red Neck, allow me to escort you back to your pickup truck with the glove compartment full of Beer Nuts and Slim-Jims.

I’m just saying, when presented with a power play, I’m taking it.

But yeah, this ride was adorbs and also kind of dark?? I mean, yeah, it’s a dark ride after all, but I mean, it was all bubbly and goofy and then took a dark turn.

I really loved it – it was way better and more themed than I anticipated for Six Flags!

We rode a mine train. It was your typical mine train.

But gotta get that credit.

OMG OK I don’t typically care much for flying coasters (Carowinds has a particularly nasty one that I was not fond of at all during my birthday coaster trip last summer) but this one was fantastico! The only downside was that we were in line for the back row and when we went to get on it with the two people in front of us, I had nowhere to sit because that particular train had a broken seat and Chooch, who was already strapped into his seat, just casually shrugged at me like OH WELL YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE. The young couple who were also in our row looked so sorry for me, but the WORST PART was when the gates reopened so I could do the walk of shame and get back into the queue.

It was FINE. I ended up riding with three women family members and sure, they spoke to each other in Spanish the whole time we waited to leave the station, but I still felt more included by them than my rude-ass child.

This Gerstlauer was just alright. Thank god it was practically a walk-on because I truly did not want to be waiting any longer than 8 minutes for it.

I loved this wooded area by the carousel!

Not pictured, but we also rode Batman, which is a clone but still one of the better B&M inverts and it was also A WALK-ON ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I didn’t realize it until we left but we dumbly only rode it once and now I wish I could go back in time and ride it at least once more at night. But it was in an area that I honestly forgot all about.

Georgia Scorcher was a really fun stand-up coaster! I honestly never thought I would like these types until Chooch and I rode Green Lantern at Great Adventure (after standing in line for at least 90 minutes, ugh) but turns out, I think they’re really fun! This one was great because of the aforementioned crew and also because it was practically a walk-on  both times we rode it (once in the front, once in the back with lame-o Henry).

The park has three other coasters but they weren’t running for the Holiday in the Park event, which I knew going into this so I wasn’t devastated or anything. The main point was to secure that seventh RMC credit and ride Goliath multiple times!

Another positive I want to point out: we were in one of the gift shops near the front of the park, looking Six Flags Over Georgia-specific magnets. All I kept seeing were dumb DC super hero ones which I’m sure is shocking to know that I have no interest in those. So Henry asked one of the employees which turned into two employees going out of their way to help. The one lady called over to one of the other gift shops, while another lady was like, “I WILL GO CHECK THE ONE OVER THERE” and Henry was all, “Oh no, that’s OK! I can go over and look” but turns out she was offering because the shop was actually CLOSED so we wouldn’t be able to go over there ourselves. Meanwhile, the first lady confirmed that they had some at another shop and then gave us super detailed directions to get there.

Once we got to that gift shop, the young guy working the register was also so friendly and helpful! I was not expecting such superior customer service from Six Flags gift shop people, and you can bet I included this in my feedback survey too! People are so quick to leave bad feedback when something goes wrong and I get that, but I also think it’s so important to highlight the positives too. Working out in public during a pandemic has got to be terrifying at times and I can imagine that it must be exhausting to have to be nice to people all the livelong day. But these people seemed like they truly took pride in their jobs and that just made our experience even better. So props to the gift shop people at Six Flags Over Georgia!

The only downside I will point out, and this is basically for Six Flags and other theme parks in general, is that the food is soooo $$$$. For Chooch and me  to get one slice of cheese pizza and garlic knots (two of them, if I remember correctly), it came to something like $25. Like bro, you can get an entire large pizza with at least one topping for that price. The service was very slow, but the pizza WAS good, I can’t lie about that. I wish it wasn’t so gucci because I’d have actually liked to get another slice. But at least we had Slutty Vegan to look forward to post-park gallivanting!

All in all, I have no REGERTZ about forcing Henry to drive us 11 hours to Atlanta-ish because we had a grand ol’ time and even mostly got along! I will now leave you with some various photos of the holiday lights from around the park.

The shop on the right is where the nice ladies who were v. concerned about finding us a Six Flags magnet worked. (I did get a nice one, too, btw!)

This  tree was not very spectacular, but it was still festive and made me smile, because ooooh lights.

Oh! Apparently, they do have holiday shows here but we don’t care about that nonsense so I cannot tell you either way if they were bad or good.

BABY.

And that’s all I have to say about Six Flags Over Georgia. Final review: PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.

Mr. Sometimes I Like My Family has been yammering about wanting to see the Festival of Lights at Oglebay this season. We had gone once when he was much younger, actually it was the night after our beloved cat Speck had passed away, so that trip was more of a means to comfort him (not distract though – he brought a framed picture of her with him) and less of a “Yay we’re a family that loves the Christmas season, let’s chug some egg nog and jingle some bells.”

Anyway, we kept trying to plan for this on a weeknight when it’s less crowded but idiot Chooch and his idiot j-o-b kept fucking up plans. We finally were able to go on Wednesday, and left as soon as I logged off from my idiot j-o-b.

(JUST KIDDING, JOB, I LOVE YOU. PLEASE DON’T CAN ME. I NEED YOU BIGLY.)

We stopped at Sheetz for MADE-TO-ORDER dinner which is always fun because who doesn’t like building sandwiches from a screen at a glorified gas station. Henry got a cookie and I made him give me half so he was being a bitch boy about that. Then Chooch was watching videos on his phone in the backseat WITHOUT HEADPHONES which I hate so we fought like cats and dogs until Henry made us stop.

“Well, he’s being annoying!” I shouted at the same time he was also stringing together a bitchy, disparaging sentence about me. Then he fell asleep because aw, boo hoo, widdle baby so tired, get up early for him school, workie workie at McD’s, wah.

Oglebay is about an hour or so away from Pittsburgh, in West Virginia. I guess it’s like a resort or something but my only run-ins with the place involved Girl Scouts and learning about nature shit. They have a little zoo there. That’s the only thing I have ever cared about. Apparently you can ski there? I learned this because every time I asked, “are we there yet” Henry would mumble some words about how we “hadn’t gone up the mountain yet” and I said, “oh ok calm down mountain man, I wasn’t aware of any imminent incline in terrain” and he snapped, “wow how do you think people ski at Oglebay??? It’s on a mountain!!”

I didn’t know people skied there. Maybe that’s where the disconnect lies.

Then we argued because according to Oglebay’s website, they advised AGAINST following GPS and instead provided their own written directions to use and it was apparently my responsibility to read him the directions. I started to but it was boring so I just glazed over some of it lol. He wasn’t a fan of my navigational decision making skills so he started mouthing off but obviously we made it there just fine or I wouldn’t be sitting here writing about it now would I????

Once we started “going up the infamous mountain” which was definitely just more of a hill, I started incessantly chanting, “Chooch, wake up. Chooch, wake up. Chooch, wake up” which is the equivalent to sticking your hand in a wasp’s nest, let me tell you. So now he’s in the backseat bitching, and I’m like, “No, YOU stfu!” and Henry is like, “I AM GOING TO DRIVE THIS CAR OFF THE MOUNTAIN” and then I’m like, “IT’S NOT A MOUNTAIN!!!”

Wow, and now you were basically just along for the ride. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Yeah, so….we made it to Oglebay and it was, you know. Pretty lame. We paid the suggested donation of $25 and then Henry spent pretty much the whole time counting all the ways we could have bypassed the entrance gate while still seeing all of the lights. He should start a YouTube channel. Hank’s Hacks: How To Have White Collar Fun on a Blue Collar Salary.

I got really mad because there was some dumb AMURRIKKKKA light display and the people in the truck in front of us PULLED OVER to get a longer patriotic gaze at the dumb thing and I started raging about how they were probably sobbing into their trucker hats while chanting the pledge of allegiance.

Then we pulled over at some welcome center thing and looked at fake light-up flowers. That was pretty cool.

I was dying because “You’re a Mean One” started playing from the Christmas tree as soon as Henry approached it LOLOLOL.

We made fun of Henry A LOT that night. It was so much fun. Worth the suggested donation of $25.

Chooch was so gung-ho about SEEING THE LIGHTS and then he barely even cared. I told him he had to write a report about it on my blog and he was like “you have a blog?”

I like how it looks like I’M HAVING AN IDEA.

Chooch was so put out when I asked him to take this idiotic picture.

Then we got ICE CREAM. It was OK, but very expensive, I felt like. It wasn’t even, like, designer ice cream or artisanal or whatever the fuck they call the fancy FARM TO TABLE trendy hipster stuff. But it was OK. The guy at the ice cream counter legit hated us though. I can’t tell you why exactly but it was a vibe that he was sending with extra stamps to make sure it was properly delivered.

Well, that about concludes our feeble attempt at Family Fun Night Looking at Xmas Lights. It was pretty lame but we had fun laughing at Henry and acting like basic city assholes in the NOT-MOUNTAIN of West Virginia.

Ho ho hello, just checking in with a friendly ad from our sponsor because she made two new Christmas cards for the 2021 season (peep the other new ones here) and she wanted to share them on here in case any depraved readers suddenly realize that their friends and family would LOVE receiving a card with Charles Manson’s mug on it.

1. OPEN SLAY SEASON

Imagine this killer couple dashing through the snow, etc etc etc LAUGHING ALL THE WAY. What a terrifying image. Implant that into the minds of your friends and family this Christmas with this super light-hearted and holly jolly spirited holiday card! And then when they have nightmares, ta da: it’s the gift that keeps on giving!

Comes with an envelope, not redeemable for a carriage ride.

2. Manson Family PJs

I mean, in a way, they really did get to spend holidays in matching…PJs. They were just from prison and not Target. Send this to your INFLUENCER friend who makes their family wear matching footed pajamas & pose for Instagram pictures every Christmas morning with motherwhompin’ cinnamon buns in their mouths while you’re in a stained Bon Jovi t-shirt from the 80s and ripped leggings eating a Poptart.

Comes with an envelope that can later be used as a Helter Skelter bookmark.

3. Heaven’s Gate 

Gotta buy your own purple shroud though.

Have you watched the Heaven’s Gate documentary yet on HBO? I don’t think I have HBO anymore which is a bummer so I have not watched it but I keep seeing shit about it everywhere which made me think about how I have Heaven’s Gate birthday cards and Valentines, but NO CHRISTMAS CARDS. Wow. I am truly the worst.

Anyway, if you don’t know anything about this cult, I’m sure this card is making you think “huh” (I mean, assuming you haven’t x’d out of this junk pile of a web diary yet), I highly recommend googling that shit because it’s pretty wild. You know, as most cults are.

4. Serial Carolers

The ultimate holiday card for your fellow murderinos! This vintage-esque design features Ed Kemper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy, Aileen Wuornos, and Dennis Rader (BTK) all bundled up and crooning some Christmas cheer. Well, except BTK – he’s the token surly non-singer.

One time in middle school, Laura Long had a Christmas party and made us all go caroling and I just stood in the back half-assedly mouthing the words. Caroling is for suckers. I get it, BTK.

This card is blank inside so you can fill it with lyrics to NKOTB’s “Funky, Funky Christmas” or whatever. I feel like Aileen might have had that cassingle. Lol, OK maybe not.

This currently my favorite card that I’ve ever made.

5. Ed Kemper Naughty List 

What a festive card! Who doesn’t love thinking about decapitated coeds when opening up Christmas cards?

Comes with an envelope. Be careful what you put inside though if you’re sending this to a prison pen pal. Not that I have any experience with penitentiary mail getting rejected.

6. Don’t Kiss Henry Lee’s Mommy

Nothing spreads Christmas cheer quite like the hint of matricide! Henry Lee Lucas should have used this as his motive for murdering his mom because it sounds way better than “She hit me on the head with a broom.”

Perfect for any true crime enthusiast in your life! Or your mother-in-law!

7. Robert Hansen the Worst Alaskan

I mean, who hasn’t used the “Oh shit, I forgot to dig up your present out of the woods of Alaska” to buy themselves some more time? I just used this excuse last month when I met up with a friend and totally forgot that her birthday had just passed and she was like, “Mmmhmmm” but look – maybe she doesn’t know my life as well as she thinks she does OK!?

Anyway, let the creep-o mug of Robert Hanson, the Butcher Baker of Anchorage, really drive this sentiment home. What a charming Christmas card! I’m sure it will be displayed front and center on the fireplace mantle.

Comes with an envelope. You could actually bury their gift and turn it into a real life scavenger hunt. Tuck in a map and some clues!

Fun fact about me: I am terrified of Alaska so this asshole might actually be the scariest serial killer in my opinion.

8. Son of Sam’s Xmas Jam

This is one of my original cards going back to the beginning of non compos cards, but I revamped the design last year. Trufax: when I started making these cards 10+ years ago, I barely knew how to use Photoshop. Truthfully, I’m still not much more than a novice, but I have gotten A LITTLE better over the years and I’m trying to polish up some of the most turd-iest designs in the shop.

This card was inspired by my desire to sign people’s yearbooks with the line “In their blood and from the gutter,” a sentiment straight from one of David Berkowitz’s letters to the popo. But people in high school already knew I was a weirdo and my luck, I’d have gotten called to the social worker’s office (again).

But now I’ve managed to incorporate it in a holiday card, and that’s pretty freakin’ redeeming.

Let Son of Sam, one of America’s most notorious killers, spread yuletime cheer to your loved ones; watch in amazement as their faces become awash with smiles that say, “Oh, you shouldn’t have!”

But you have!

Envelope included!

Ho Ho Ho and all that shit.

9. Ian Brady & Myra Hindley, Santa’s Elves

Hey man, what’s synonymous with Santa and his elves? If you said Ian Brady and Myra Hindley, then BOY have I got a Christmas card for you!

Fun fact about these two brutes: anytime I post their cards on Instagram, I get reported for violence.

10. Santa’s Geindeer

This was my favorite card from 2021!

Better think twice before investigating that CLICK CLICK CLICK you hear on your roof, is all I’m saying.
I couldn’t resist making this dumb card, even though Henry was like, “OK, ha. Ha…” Look, it took me a long time make this and I still have a headache from staring at the computer screen and that stupid “Up On the Housetop” song got stuck in my head and I got really agitated because I spent my whole life thinking it was “Up on the Rooftop” until my kid was in kindergarten and had to sing that for the holiday assembly and I was like WHAAAT THEY’RE GETTING THE WORDS ALL FUCKED UP” and then everyone on Facebook was like, “No. You are wrong and everyone else is right” and I felt so attacked because I’m one of those people who rarely gets corrected because most people in my inner circle are too afraid to call me out when I’m wrong so when it actually happens (I mean, it’s rare, because I’m pretty fucking perfect), I will dwell on it for days (lol, years) and then Google things like HOW DO WITCHES HURT PEOPLE and TOOLS FOR CUTTING THE BRAKE CABLE and also WHERE IS THE BRAKE CABLE.

Yeah, so! The inside of this card is blank. You can write anything you want inside, like your own lyrics to that dumb carol, for example.

Come with an envelope made of paper and not stretched skin, which is probably what Ed Gein mailed his Christmas cards in.

**********

As always, I’m happy to fulfill any custom requests, so if you have a favorite (?) serial killer that you would like to see a Christmas card themed around, hit me up! And check out the rest of the shop for birthday cards, Valentines, Golden Girls stuff—it’s a real shit show over at non compos.

And because I feel it necessary to leave a disclaimer every now and then: I do not condone murder or suicide pacts. I do not engage in “idol worship” of serial killers. I think they’re the scourge of society and the reason I started making these cards was because I do have an interest in true crime & the psychology of it, and it started as a “tongue-in-cheek” fuck you to the mainstream greeting card industry. I joined a Christmas card exchange thingie one year over on LiveJournal and I wanted to send something that I made myself, something that would make people groan. And 14 years later, I’m still going at it! (Henry’s sitting next to me bitching about how, “…and I still don’t have health insurance and my boss treats me like shit and I have to buy supplies out of my own pocket…” WOW. Sounds like someone is getting ready to picket.)

Currently sitting in the Hollywood Theater with Henry waiting for Ghostbusters to start but I had to post the new Mino video because this song is a JIMMY JAM.

Several years ago, we started a “tradition” of going away to an amusement park for the extended Thanksgiving weekend. In 2018, it was Dollywood. 2019 took us to Silver Dollar City in Missouri on Henry’s broken back (lol). Last year was the PIONEER AVENUE WHACKY SHACK in Brookline. This year though, I thought it would be OK to try and resume our tradition so I chose Six Flags Over Georgia specifically because they have an RMC and my latest bucket list thingie is to ride all of the RMCs in  the world, lol. DARE TO DREAM.

I will do a proper recap here shortly but I’m feeling super wistful and emo today, as I sit here thinking about family things and getting old – you know, standard DOOM&GLOOM stuff, so I wanted to just post all of the pictures we took together/of each other. Believe me, we bicker A LOT as a family but at the end of the day: goddamn we have some Fun Times.

This was right after the gates opened so everyone was still in an OK mood. Actually now that I think about it, I don’t think we really fought at all on this day. Chooch just rolled his eyes a lot and Henry annoyed us with his “I WAS DRAGGED TO TOO MANY CONCERTS” poor hearing (although sometimes I really do think he doesn’t hear us “on purpose.”).

When you don’t understand the assignment.

I dunno why but I like it when Henry wears his hat backward, lol.

Here I am trying to force Chooch to wave.

I dunno what was happening to my hair here, but Chooch was annoyed because he had already started walking away when I screamed, “WAIT TAKE ANOTHER ONE BECAUSE I CAN’T REMEMBER WHICH SIDE IS MY GOOD SIDE!”

Evidently – neither!

I’m pretty sure Henry and Chooch wore these outfits all weekend and I’m sure they will argue that they changed the t-shirts underneath at least but still. They actually make me mad with their fashion ambivalence.

In line for the idiotic mine ride.

When teenagers are forced to hang out with their parents and they catch themselves POSSIBLY laughing at their mother’s AMAZING COMEDIC PROWESS.

LOL WHEN THE SMILE DOESN’T REACH YOUR EYES. Also, Henry was made because the flash woke him up, I think.

And of course we had to get our obligatory carouselfie! (It’s actually not “obligatory” – there were several parks this year where I was like JUST FORGET IT and Chooch and Henry were like thank fucking god.)

We had to actually fasten the seatbelts on this one which was weird. Usually if there are seatbelts, no one but small children use them but there was AN ANNOUNCEMENT before the carousel started spinning. Actually, I’m terrified of falling off/getting stuck on a carousel horse so this is kind of good for me, I guess. I wish all carousel horses came with one of those guys from Victorian ages that kneel down and make a step out of their hands so that princesses like me could more easily dismount the fucking thing.

What did they call those people? Stepping stools? Foot guys? Henrys?

Here I am scowling at Henry as usual.

And here’s Santa and his apprentice. I was so adamant about getting this shot!

And then here’s this ultra-flattering shot of Henry practicing his Jolly Santa Belly pose, lol.

This was us waiting for a night ride in the front row on Twisted Cyclone. I dunno what I was saying, something super inspirational and cross-stitch worthy, I’m sure. You can tell by Henry’s face.

Well, Tom, that’s all the pictures I have of us from Six Flags Over Georgia, but don’t you worry your pretty little rosary over it because I still have other shit I need to say about this place, maybe tomorrow if I feel tippy-typey.

I was so excited to be able to invite Corey and Janna over this year to TRIM TRUDY since we are all vaccinated and some of us are even boostered. Last year was very sad trimming that broad without an accompanying gathering. Sadly, Corey couldn’t make it because of a work Xmas party, but Janna came over and was OMG ON TIME! She even made a point of eschewing the standard salutations with a “NOTE THE TIME” demand instead. LOL, oh Janna.

Earlier that day, Henry and I went to Fresh Thyme to procure some “healthy”-ish snacks to go along with the Korean alcoholic bev collection (various flavored sojus and makgeollis, get on our K-level). While there, some guy who was around my age kept making INTENSE eye contact with me, the kind that can be decoded as “I KNOW YOU” and it was borderline uncomfy. I started to panic, like, “Did I have a one-night stand with this dude back in the day?” I mean, he kind of looked like my type?!?! I was actually afraid he was going to be waiting in the parking lot but he wasn’t. I kept trying to tell Henry about it but I was wearing a mask in the store and Henry is already hard of hearing and was basically completely unaware that any of this was happening.

“DIDN’T YOU SEE HOW LONG HE WAS ‘LOOKING AT MILK’ WHEN WE WERE IN THE VEGAN DAIRY SECTION??” I cried and Henry was like, “No…maybe…wait what are we talking about again?” and then I think Henry was actually sad that this guy didn’t kidnap me.

My eyes are so fantastico at the YOUNG AGE of 42 that I can barely even get my photos in focus these days.

Got to break out my SHINee soju glasses for the occasion!

This was probably one of the 87 times Chooch asked told Janna to buy him Pokemon cards for Christmas.

“I think the gas mask year was my favorite,” Janna said dreamily, as we recounted all of the festive Yuletide transformations that Trudy has undergone. (Underwent? Undertaken? GONE THRU.) I think we care less and less each year though, ah, sweet complacency. I mean, I was all gung-ho about looking for a green tutu for her to wear this year so that we could also use that as a vehicle for hanging ornaments, but I got distracted after about like, one google search and then forgot to go back and look. LOL. Oh, Christmas. Who cares.

I mean, look how exhausted we are after spending a whopping ten minutes wrapping a mannequin with garland. She doesn’t even need strung with lights anymore because Henry just leaves the lights on her year-round now.

Here are pictures of all of us post-TRUDY TRIM.

Then Chooch wanted to play a game but I said NO because I didn’t feel like it, yet somehow I ended up with Chooch’s phone pressed to my forehead, hysterically guessing things from the 1980s. Oh Heads Up, I hate your existence yet I can never walk away from a challenge.

One of the categories is for songs but you have to hum or sing the song without giving away the song title. It was Chooch’s turn to guess and the song was “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White Ts but I never liked that song and could literally only think of the Hey There Delilah line and had to keep humming it over and over and Janna was also trying to hum it because she couldn’t think of the words and then I was like, “JUST PASS IT YOU PROBABLY DON’T KNOW THIS SONG ANYWAY” so he passed it and then later when he looked at the ones he missed, he rage-cried, “HEY THERE DELILAH ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHY WOULDN’T I KNOW THAT???” and Janna and I defensively argued that we couldn’t think of any other lyrics.

“Like, who even knows the words to that song,” Janna said dismissively, to which Chooch screamed, “HEY THERE DELILAH?? WHAT’S IT LIKE IN NEW YORK CITY???? I’M A THOUSAND MILES AWAY???? BUT, GIRL, TONIGHT YOU LOOK SO PRETTY????” while the protruding vein in his forehead was barking an emphatic “Yeah!” after each line, and then dropped the mic on his behalf.

“AND YOU COULDN’T HAVE EVEN HAD ME GUESS THE BAND’S NAME?!?! REALLY? PLAIN WHITE TS???”

He was um, very upset.

Blake made the long and arduous trek over from next door later that night after his gaggle of children went  to bed, and the HEY THERE DELILAH party foul was brought back up again.

Immediately, Blake recounted the first four lines of the song too, with as much casual comfort as someone singing the happy birthday song. Janna and I just threw our arms up in defeat. (Honestly though I really hated that song so it’s not too shocking that I wouldn’t know the words.)

Whenever it was my turn and we were doing music, everyone’s first clue for nearly every singer was, “Oh you hate this person.” I hate so many pop singers that it was really hard for me to guess! Although it was mostly Katy Perry and Taylor Swift every time, except for the one time when it was Alecia Keys and Chooch ever-so-surely said, “You really hate this singer” and I was so confused because I do not hate her. I just have no feelings either way!

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Bros!

I was REALLY pissed because once when it was my turn, the answer was The Carpenters “We’ve Only Just Begun” but I only got the artist and not the song because Henry was being stupid with his humming capabilities and then afterward argued that I “wouldn’t have gotten it anyway” and I was like, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS SAY THIS SONG IS IN MUSIC BOXES?!!?” Honestly, my grandma had like 8 different music boxes in her house that played that song.

One time when it was Henry’s turn, the word was SHOULDER PADS and Chooch got Henry to guess it by saying “it’s what mom called Drew and thought it was so hilarious* – Ursula’s…” and Henry immediately said “Oh. Shoulder pads.”

*It WAS hilarious!

Also, chooch wouldn’t do the pop culture category with us because it has “relevant trends” that we “wouldn’t know about.” I hate him.

My other favorite moment of the night was when Janna told me that one of the BITCHIEST teachers we had for Language Arts / Communications in middle school made her re-recite a poem from the very beginning after she mispronounced the word BOSOM LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. This is my new favorite Janna thing! Apparently she pronounced it BOW-some LOLOLOLOL YESSSSSSSSS.

Well, Mary, I think that’s all for now. It was a nice night of snackin’ and Heads Up’in and somewhat house partyin’. And now Trudy is back to her festive dressings!

Hi, Friday Fives. It’s been awhile! Did you miss me? I missed you. Let’s pretend like I never forgot to recount five things on a Friday and just, I dunno, base-jump right on in. Here are five rando things from the past week-ish, off the top of my fried brain. Like it or don’t like it, BUT JUST REMEMBER THAT HO HO IS WATCHING (or, Him Ho as my cats call him) (or Santa as everyone else calls him). This will probably be a quickie though because my blogging tank is running on E this eve.

1. SPOTIFY STUFF

Oh Spotify, serving up some seriously shitty designed graphics for everyone to spam their Instagram friends with. Yes, I am everyone. My top genres cracked me up though. I’LL ALWAYS HAVE ROOM FOR SOFT ROCK IN MY DESICCATED HEART.

And in case you were wondering, my top 5 artists were SHINee (duh), NCT Dream, NCT 127, Taemin (duh), and DANCE GAVIN DANCE. I will always love my post-hardcore bands. Oh, and all of Henry’s top 5 songs were Kpop, because he’s KPOPDAD. I still laugh when people assume that he doesn’t like kpop and is living in hell over here. He will happily watch every music show performance of whatever comeback song has me screaming lately. SOMETIMES HE EVEN REQUESTS IT.

2. Shot Solidarity

Henry and I were off work on Monday and Tuesday. The cats had their annual check-up on Tuesday which included RABIES SHOTS so in order to take one for the team, Henry and I found somewhere that was giving the covid booster without appointments necessary. It was under this bridge in McKeespo—lol sike. It was just at a pharmacy inside Shop n Save. It was definitely less exciting than getting the actual vaccine, that’s for sure!

I had read numerous articles about how mixing the vaccine when getting the booster can actually be beneficial to building immunity, so when the broad asked if we wanted to stay with Pfizer or switch to Moderna, I blurted out that I wanted to switch. Of course, I had major vaccine-allegiance remorse right after that, but Henry followed suit and we both cheated on Pfizer like redheaded hoes and LOOK PFIZER, I’M SORRY I REALLY AM. I wish I could take it back, especially the next day when Henry and I felt like we were both dying after having no side effects whatsoever with either dose of Pfizer aside from a sore arm.

Luckily I work from home, because halfway through the day on Wednesday, I really felt like I was at death’s door (OK MAYBE I JUST FELT A LITTLE FLU-ISH AND THAT’S MY DRAMA STUDENT ALTER EGO TALKING). I didn’t have a fever even though I really like it should have been like 137 degrees FAHRENHEIT because I’m a dumbo American.

Anyway, by that evening, my back was BROKE, bitches. I dunno if it was a nerve thing or what but I was having actual problems standing without the support of my hand on a wall or whatever. I was getting pretty scared and even wondered if I was going to need to go to the hospital. I ask, was this the fault of MODERNA or me being a stupid workout freak?

Henry went to bed at like 8:30 that night because, and I quote, “WHEN PEOPLE AREN’T FEELING WELL, THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO REST AND THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO” so he left me alone downstairs and I kept looking at my FitBit, feeling anxious that I only just barely made my step count for the day and I really felt like I still needed some kind of supplemental workout since I had been half-lying on the couch in a fugue state most of the night. So I did a 20 minute Paul Eugene CHAIR WORKOUT FOR SENIORS.

They say that every little bit of movement helps, and…that’s exactly what this was: a little bit of movement, lol.

The next morning, I texted Henry and told him I did that and he was like YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE but I think he meant actually INCREDIBLE.

And also maybe I’m addicted to exercise. Yeah, I am. There I said it. It’s a sickness. But a….healthy sickness?

3. FIRST XMAS CARD OF THE YEAR!

And it’s from my good friend, Alyson, who really knows how to address an envelope, lemme tell you! This cracked me up so hard!

It’s been so long that I almost forgot what started this and then I remembered that it’s because Henry’s mom, back in the day, kept sending cards addressed HUGELY to Henry and then my name would be a tiny (& Erin – usually spelled wrong) squished at the end like the most squiggliest afterthought of a period. And the actual reason it used to irritate me was that I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE MAIN, OG RESIDENT OF THIS DUMB BROOKLINE SHANTY. I lived here for like 3 years before letting idiot Henry move in but oh my god, MAN OF THE HOUSE trumps all.

4. Henry’s colorful bowls

Henry has been making me really beautiful salads lately. This is a seasonal switch from the just-as-beautiful smoothie bowls he had been previously making me until it started to get too cold for that and I said that he was going to need to make me hot smoothie bowls, to which he said, “so….soup?” Oh yeah, soup lol. But for now, salads will do!

5. GHOST GLASS

I forgot to show you people the cute color-changing glass I bought myself as an October pick-me-up from Etsy! The ghosts change from brown to white as the glass cools. I love it and am also terrified that one of these dumbos in my house will break it – oh wait, they’d have to actually wash the dishes for that to happen HAHAHAHA.

***

Also, this just in: Chooch came home from work while I was tap-tap-tappin’ away and said that he’s burnt out from working at McDonald’s and is going to start looking for something new. He’s definitely not tired of making money but he wants to make more of it so I dunno, good luck FIFTEEN YEAR OLD.

Oh wait here’s a bonus video because I’m re-obsessed with Pierce the Veil and my love for this song was rekindled truly & madly & deeply in the car over the weekend. They are currently recording the fifth album and I am so excited!!

Have a great weekend, wherever you are, and whoever you are lol.

OK Brenda listen up. You know how we’re always sniffing out vegan eateries in whatever town the coasters are luring us to? Well, um…I might have chosen Six Flags Over Georgia PURPOSELY based on its close proximity to SLUTTY VEGAN. Henry alerted me to the existence of this BEAST of a vegan establishment several months ago and I have been obsessing ever since.

They have several locations around Atlanta, but from the YouTube videos I’ve watched, it looks like people line up clear around the block for this joint – one of the vegan YouTubers I watch actually stood in line for 5 hours outside in the winter when Slutty Vegan’s food truck travelled to NYC, and she still said it was WORTH THE HYPE. Also, whatever bacon they use appears to be the benchmark for all vegan bacon because I’m always hearing people comparing vegan bacon to Slutty Vegan’s bacon.

Also, it’s owned by a Black woman and this makes it even more appealing to me because you know how I love to support places like this!

Anyway, after leaving Six Flags Saturday night, Henry was like, “OK, let’s just go there and see if it’s a mess and then we’ll go from there.” I was literally having quiet, contained anxiety attacks about this because I wanted to shove slutty meatless delights into my whore mouth but I also didn’t want to endure crowds of people. LUCKILY, whichever location Henry chose was not the popular one because there was only one other person there!

It was a really small, walk-up location. I’m actually not even sure if you can dine-in at the main location now that I think about it, even though it does seem like it’s a much bigger place.

Right away, it felt like a party. The music was blasting even outside so as we walked down the sidewalk from our car, the vibe was RIGHT. Then we were greeted by the friendliest lady at the ordering counter; she was just BEAMING charisma, I fucking swear to god. There is nothing better and more comforting than going somewhere for the first time and having an employee essentially hold your hand and walk you through the process, which is exactly what she did and I really, really, really wish I had the forethought to check out her name because I would have loved to give her props when I wrote my Google review!

She explained the menu to us, told us what the most popular items were, what her personal favorite beverage is, what types of sauces they had on hand…it was like VIP treatment. The reason I’m really stressing this part of the experience is because it’s not uncommon to get treated like shit at trendy, hipster-run vegan restaurants. It’s almost like they know we’re FRAUDS when we walk in: you have Carnivore Henry, Vegetarian Chooch, and 50/50 Vegan/Vegetarian me.

I eat eggs still, OK?? And honey! SORRY.

But according to the owner, Pinky Cole (who is AN INSPIRATION, let me tell you), the majority of their customers are actually meat-eaters and that is actually amazing because this means that’s at least one meatless meal that these people are eating and it also means that this place is dispelling the myth that vegan food = rabbit food, and that maybe it’s delicious enough to get them to at least CUT BACK on their meat consumption. And that is actually so wonderful to think about.

So maybe this place is super gimmicky, but it gets people through the doors. And then it’s the quality of the food that gets them coming back. Because I am here right now telling you that this was the best vegan “fast food” I have ever had and I am WHIPPED for it. Literally have not been able to stop thinking about it since we left Georgia last weekend.

Oh! And when it was learned that we were n00bs to Slutty Vegan, our counter friend called back into the kitchen that there were VIRGINS in the house and everyone started cheering and banging on the counters. IT WAS SO EXCITING!!! My other favorite part though was hearing Chooch casually order a Fussy Hussy with no tomatoes. And Henry opted to upgrade his One Night Stand to a Menage a Trois, which added the legendary BACON and also FRIED SHRIMP!!! to the mix. I was really excited that he did this because I originally wanted to get the HEAUX BOY but it wasn’t available that day so I opted for the Chik’n Head instead. It is really hard for me to pass up vegan chicken sandwiches. I wasn’t much of a burger-eater in my past meat-eating days, but I could definitely kill a chicken sandwich. In fact, that and the McFish are the only things I ever really got at McDonald’s but that feels like an actual lifetime ago.

(I can still vividly remember the special chicken parm sandwich from Burger King though, OMFG I loved that shit as a kid!! It also felt like such a “grown up” thing to eat for some reason lol.)

Anyway, once our order was ready, we were floated out the door on a ribbon of hilarious and exuberant SLUT chants from the Slutty Vegan staff. It was one of the best send-offs of my life, not gonna lie, fam.

Then we had to endure the 10 minute drive back to the hotel which was EXCRUCIATING with a bagful of tempting, tongue-curling smells as the fourth passenger.

These pictures are shit but look, Linda – I was tryna EAT the damn food not fluff it for Glamour Shots. I dunno what that sauce was on my chik’n sandwich but I’d like to marinate all of my foods in it starting yesterday. Henry and I always get different things so we can share but I really didn’t want to give him half of this, ughhhhh.

(LOL it was Buffalo sauce – I just looked it up. As a vegetarian, I haven’t really had many opportunities to eat food saturated in Buffalo sauce so I’m not sure that’s a taste I would have recognized.)

(FOR INSTANCE: I HAVE NEVER HAD BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP!)

You can see the shrimp and bacon sorta. I should have taken headshots of that fucking shrimp because it was INSANITY. Maybe it didn’t taste SO MUCH like the real thing that it would fool a meathead, but it was pretty fucking close. The  texture was scary-realistic and the taste was half-past shrimp adjacent, more toward shrimp shadow. Like, it was REALLY CLOSE to passing, you guys. I am obsessed with it. There are some faux shrimp products on the market that we have tried and nothing has come close until Slutty Vegan. When can I go back.

And that bacon? Yeah, I get it now. I’m officially IN THE KNOW. That was some delectable fake bacon, Wendell.

And Chooch actually didn’t even want to go there once he saw the pictures because he “wasn’t that hungry” and “wouldn’t be able to eat all of that” and yet…and yet.

Bitch inhaled that burger before Henry even sat down and unwrapped his.

But yeah, that burger. Ouch, my gut, but give me more. They use the Impossible Burger but they add their own spices and secrets to it and whatever happens after that is pure animal-friendly magic. SLUT SAUCE FTW.

I hardly ever write actual online reviews but then I heard that BLUE LIVES MATTER fucker-bitches were flooding Slutty Vegan with negative reviews when Pinky made the choice to stop giving discounts to the Georgia police during the aftermath of the George Floyd murder, in solidarity with Black Lives Matter protests, I definitely felt compelled to add my five-stars.

I salivated for mths while watching so many YouTube videos about this place. Finally came to Atlanta from Pittsburgh and was determined to wrap my mouth around one of these slutty creations. I can now say with confidence that Slutty Vegan is worth the hype! Even my carnivorous partner was doing the Homer Simpson moan while devouring his Ménage a Trois! (That shrimp! The texture! The flavor! HOW?!) I got the Chik’n Head and, four days later, am still having vivid, possibly explicit daydreams about it.

The vibe of Slutty Vegan really elevated the experience – it felt like walking into the friendliest, most inclusive party, and when the person at the ordering counter found out we were VIRGINS, she happily navigated us through the menu and made helpful suggestions. I wish I had gotten her name because she was SO GREAT!

I have eaten at some vegan places where everyone acted like they were 2 cool 4 skool and it really took away from the experience but that was not the case with Slutty Vegan. I’m obsessed. This was the best, most indulgent vegan food I’ve ever had and I’m so sad that I’m back in Pittsburgh, hundreds of miles away from my new crush, Slutty Vegan. :(

Oh man, get me back to Georgia STAT. I need to eat my way through this menu! I want Pinky Cole’s autograph. What a gem.