This past weekend was a good one because as I noted in my last cop-out of a blog post, it was finally starting to feel a little bit like spring! (Granted, it’s back to the 30s at the time of this “writing”…) We made sure to take lots of neighborhood strolls, and this is one of the things I love about living in Brookline (as opposed to the millions of things that I hate) – so many things are easily accessible to us.

FOR EXAMPLE: We stopped at the post office where our favorite* mail guy Michael scanned in our card orders; we went to Party Cake to grab some cookies and a monster glob of icing for Calvin to wipe all over his parents’ new furniture  (you’re welcome, Blake and Haley!),; we grabbed some pita at Pitaland which is basically just Henry’s excuse to go and visit the one guy who works there because he’s always like “MY FRIEND!” when he sees Henry and sometimes even someone as emotionless and bearded as Henry needs to know that someone is happy to see him, I guess; and then I bought tampons at CVS, all while rolling our eyes at Candy Cane, the cane-using broad who usurps the entire girth of the sidewalk and I am hard-pressed to believe that she needs the cane at all! That bitch fucking CRUISES, all while refusing to move over for anyone — I purposely stepped into the street once just so she could see the PERILS she puts other people in!

*(Speaking of postal workers, I need to eat crow or whatever it is people say instead of I FUCKED UP AND RETRACT MY PRIOR STATEMENTS because I have been known to lambaste the weekday postal worker on here from time to time but over the last several months, I have truly softened to her and we have really great chats now about how she is misunderstood as a postal worker, and now my heart breaks for her and all of the bad reviews she gets on the Brookline community forum**.)

**(I have never been to the Brookline community forum but I do remember one time a bunch of years ago someone posted my blog on the Brookline Facebook page and I thought we were going to have to move and change our names, buy some wigs, but thankfully everything was fine and people chuckled or whatever.)

Meanwhile, that stupid photography bordello Babe Cave suffered some vandalism and now I’m panicking a little because I said shitty things about it on Twitter before it opened and what if I’m a suspect now?! I mean, it was probably the local Feminist Fotog group rising up and taking action, so hopefully it won’t take long for me to clear my name.

LOOK, I USE WORDS NOT ROCKS, OK!? IT WASN’T ME.

Later on Saturday afternoon, we went to Rock Bottom for our friend Patty’s 40th birthday dinner! I actually haven’t seen her in about a year because I’m a lazy person but it was great seeing how far she’s come with her physical therapy!

I told Chooch to take a picture of the cake. He really took his job seriously. Look at that artistically-situated shadow, the creatively-cut off cake corner. Chooch really has a future in photography. He should get an internship at BABE CAVE.

I know Chooch, that’s how I feel when adults are talking, too.

Gayle and her husband Jeffrey were also there and I was happy to sit at a table with people we know because almost every time we go to a party, we are our own island. This meant I had a new audience for my incessant calls of “I’m so hungrrrrryyy.” The waitresses were so worried about getting everyone’s drink orders, completely ignoring the fact that I was literally chewing on my hair and swaying in my seat from malnourishment. (<—which WordPress is telling me isn’t a word. It tells me that a lot.)

Put my preschool-mentality son in a room with balloons and watch the obsession mount. He fucked around with those balloons nearly the whole time, attempting to clandestinely saw one of the strings off with a knife, before finally just flat out asking Patty if he could take one….

And then Henry tied Chooch’s arm to the chair with it when he wasn’t paying attention.

…and then before we left, Chooch accidentally let go of the string and the balloon drifted off toward the ceiling. Instead of just getting another balloon, he stood on a chair and then jumped for it, and thankfully he waited until my back was turned because I probably would have gotten Jello-legs and  then wailed, “OMG BE CAREFUL” with my hand on my chest. I’m “that” kind of mom.

In addition to balloon-obsessions, all of the tables were generously sprinkled with confetti, and APPARENTLY Chooch had filled my purse with handfuls of the shit, unbeknownst to me but THANKS JEFFREY for NARCing on him. So then I transferred all of it to Gayle’s purse while she was in the bathroom, plus a piece of dried plant from the centerpiece, for good measure.

But the best was when Chooch shoved a fistful of confetti down Dumb Henry’s shirt.

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This picture looks like it was  taken with my old Blackberry Curve that had the perpetually smeared lens.

We got home later that evening and immediately…..

He only cried for like a minute at least, lol.

The rest of the weekend was chill AF, as illustrated by Penelope:

Henry was in Grandpa Nanny mode that night so Chooch and I had to make our own dinners which was weird, but then we started watching Umbrella Academy so that was cool (never forget that time Gerard Way gave Chooch a Twitter shout out for his 8th birthday!).

And that was 1000-some words about a weekend.

Today is mild, the sun is out, and I am hard-pressed to find anything to complain about. Even though historically, some really bad things have happened in my life during March, I still love this month so much because with it comes the PROMISE OF SPRING. It’s not what I would consider “warm” outside today, but still, when Chooch and I walked to Muddy Cup for some afternoon beverages, I didn’t wear a coat and it was positively FREEING.

Then later on when I was in the car alone, I put on Pierce the Veil just to see how it would make me feel–I discovered them around this same time way back in 2007 on a drive to visit Ex-BFF in Cinci, so this is always The Post-Hardcore Season for me–and I was surprised at just how emotional I became as the very first note dropped. It made me feel super nostalgic (I haven’t listened to any of that old Warped Tour in about two years) but in a really good way, especially with the sun shining and the windows down….I felt like…me. Sometimes I lose myself a little, get buried beneath all the depression and anxiety, but Springtime Erin is always the Best Erin and I am so ready to shake off this winter sadness, bury all the heavy coats and scarves and snow boots, open all the goddamn windows, MAYBE BUY SOME NEW PLANTS!? There is a new botanical joint in Shadyside that I want to check out.

(Sorry, Henry.)

I know that there are some winter stans out there, but I think for the rest of us normal people, the seasonally-affected types, winter was made as a test of wills for us, something that we need to trudge through to ensure we will appreciate even the rainiest of spring nights and slice-the-humidity-with-a-knife summer afternoons.

For me, March is the light at the end of the tunnel and I will forever associate it with hope and relief.

And, Piece the Veil, evidently.

Be still my little post-hardcore heart.

It’s been a minute since I regaled this bleak corner of the Internet with some Lunch Break Tales. To be fair, not much has been happening because it’s been fucking COLD in case you didn’t know, so I spend most of my time on the streets of PGH walking super fast to stay warm, or forcing Henry to talk to me on the phone because I am a lonely person, there I said it. Now that spring’s approaching, things should start to pick up out there, for example, Downtown Jesus should like, rise out from behind his tomb or whatever.

(Seriously, where has he been?! I haven’t seen him…since sometime right after his birthday/Christmas, I think!)

Anyway, let’s see what kind of janky recap I can construct from the last couple of garbage weeks.

1. LUKE PERRY

I found out about Luke Perry dying while I was out gallivanting on my lunch break (obviously, otherwise this wouldn’t be here in LUNCH BREAK TALES). I got a CNN notification, or Washington Post, some kind of notification. This was right after Henry rudely cut me off mid-Seungri Scandal rant and said he’d “call me back” so I had no one to share my sorrow with and I NEEDED HUMAN INTERACTION RIGHT THEN. Come on, Luke Perry’s death had pretty much every broad in my age bracket shook that day. I started to run up to someone in a winter parka, the kind with the fur-lined hood, because I was sure it was my co-worker Regina, but then she lifted her head at the last second and I was just about to hysterically scream LUKE PERRY DIED but at the very last possible second I realized, AS WE MADE EYE CONTACT WITH MY MOUTH AGAPE, that it wasn’t Regina. Maybe could have been Regina’s mom and wow my eyes are really bad. So then I had to abruptly veer a different direction but it was so obvious.

(I take that back about “every broad in my age bracket” because later that day, Nate came over to my desk and was like LUKE PERRY and we commiserated over that for a bit. He was like, “REMEMBER ON 90210 WHEN HE WAS MARRIED TO THE NOXEMA GIRL AND SHE GOT SHOT” and I only vaguely remember that but I started freaking out because just over the weeken I made Chooch watch “I Know What You Did Last Summer”* and during that my mind started wandering into “other teen horror movies from the 90s” which made me think about “that one that Rebecca Gayheart was in” and I was so relieved when I was able to remember without the aid of Google that it was “Urban Legend” but the whole reason I’m even mentioning this is because who the hell has Rebecca Gayheart pop up twice in less than a week in 2019 aside from like, her mom, or, I dunno, the family of the person she vehicularly man-slaughtered?)

*(Chooch’s main takeaway from this movie was: “THEY HAD LAPTOPS IN 1997!?”)

2. GABRIEL, THE STREET FASHION REPORTER

OK, this is going back several weeks now, possibly even months so I can’t even be certain I’m remembering this bro’s name correctly, but I kept forgetting to write about. Although, I DID send a Postcard From Erin’s Lunch Break about it to my pal Valarie! But there was this one day when I was heading back to work when some young guy crossed the street in what seemed like a purposely attempt to intercept me.

He succeeded.

“I really like your jacket!” he began, and I was like, “Yeah I know, right?! It’s great!” I mean, it really is. It’s COW-PRINT, people.

“Did you buy it somewhere down here?” he asked.

“Oh god no, I bought it like…20 years ago probably at Contempo,” I laughed. (I think that’s where it’s from! I honestly can’t remember but I was definitely 20 when that purchase was made, probably using my corporate credit card that my mom paid, HAHAHAHAH no really, I’m crying because I miss those days.)

“Would you consider yourself someone who’s into fashion?” he pressed, and now I was getting paranoid. I mean, if you’re going to either sexually harass me or pick my pocket, let’s get this over with, boo. You know?

I just shrugged and mumbled something about how wearing clothes without stains or wrinkles was enough for me these days, and he went on to compliment me for mixing patterns.

“I really like when people mix patterns,” he said with a smile and now I was really wondering if he was stalling me while the kidnapper van found a spot to park. “I went to the Art Institute for fashion design,” he explained, so I guess that made a little more sense and I was less worried now about the chance of blood ruining my cow jacket post-kidney harvesting.

He introduced himself as Gabriel and we shook hands which is always weird yet exciting for me, touching another stranger on the street. For as anti-social and introverted I have become over the years, I am also curiously starved for human interaction at the same time.

Then he asked me if I was in a hurry to get somewhere and I was like YES, WORK and he was like, “Oh darn, well, maybe I’ll see you around again sometime, hopefully in another cool coat!” and then I became aware of the fact that all of the people on the sidewalk waiting for the bus were watching this strange not-really-flirtation and I walked away wondering wtf had just happened.

I mean, nice guy. Real nice guy. But way too interested in my clothes!?

3. SIDEWALK LAWS

I can’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned this on here but I hate when people walk down the sidewalk in a three or more person throng, so that they are occupying the entire girth of the damn sidewalk and then NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM does the proper “fall back” when someone approaches from the opposite way. This happens nearly every time I walk through the Strip District and it fucking drives me mad. The one day, I super passively aggressively said, “No it’s fine, I’ll just STEP OUT ONTO THE ROAD so you guys don’t have to break up your yuppie huddle.”

God for-fucking-bid.

I flipped out the one day while walking through the Strip and decided that I’m going to run for Mayor and then when I win (obviously) I’m going to patrol the sidewalks of downtown Pittsburgh, issuing warrants for arrest for sidewalk hogs.

“You can’t do that,” Henry said, white knighting sidewalk slobs worldwide.

“I CAN AFTER I MAKE IT A LAW!” I cried.

It’s too bad I don’t already have power because I really have so much I would like to change. For instance, Pittsburgh needs to get on board with vending machine culture. Perhaps if I suggest a TERRIBLE TOWEL dispenser, that would get the attention of whoever is in charge of Pittsburgh.

Oh yeah, the actual mayor. Lol.

Well, I really think that’s all I have. In my head, so much more has happened on my walks, but “in my head” is the operative phrase there, I guess. I’d have so much more to write about if I lived in Korea, probably.

Remember last week when I was like “blah blah blah I miss roller skating” and being my general whiny self about it? Well, I listened to the signs of the universe and persuaded Henry into revisiting Neville Roller Dome on Sunday!

Aaaaaaand I immediately remembered why we stopped going there: annoying people and a lame DJ, plus jerky owners. But, what can you do when it’s 2019 and rollerskating hasn’t been popular in like three decades? You learn to appreciate what you’re given, that’s what!

So even though there were four different birthday parties that day for bitchy teenage girls and Sunday skate is reserved for Radio Disney and CHRISTIAN CONTEMPORARY, I wiped off my resting bitch face and skated with a goddamn smile.

I learned that all of these newfangled current female singers sound exactly the same, like they’re trying to manipulate their voices to sound like its being dragged though a cheese grater, and it’s just not great, you guys. Not great at all.

And then the DJ announced the first birthday girl’s song which sounded weird and like something an old lady would request.

“What the fuck song is this???” I cried over the vibrato to Chooch.

“Seriously?? It’s Let It Go!” he said incredulously, looking at me like I just woke up from a coma.

Then the chorus came on and I said, “Ooooh, ok. I hear it now. Yeah.”

So apparently, I’ve made it this far in life without ever hearing anything other than the chorus of the dumb bitch song.

And then I immediately skated off the rink and joined Henry on a bench.

“I can’t skate to this song,” I said. And then when Sarah, the Let It Go birthday girl, paraded her hoochie-in-training girlfriends past us en route to the snack room for cake, I loudly said to Henry, “She has awful taste in music, wow!

”

But then apparently when Henry and Chooch were in the snack room later, Sarah’s mom offered Chooch just cake (he said no because he knew Jillian Michaels wouldn’t approve) so Chooch said that Sarah is cool but we can still hate her friends and I was OK with that because her one friend in a marigold sweater had the smuggest face ever and…ugh. Just ugh.

Henry doesn’t skate anymore, ever since getting his foot run over by a pallet jack, lol. So he just sat on the bench the whole time and looked at boring Old People crap on his phone. I would join him every once in a while, usually when a song came on that I couldn’t get behind, such as WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

A big NO THANK YOU to that one.

I was pouting about how shitty the music selection was when Britney Spears’ Hold It Against Me cued up and I almost fell on my face in my mad scramble onto the rink. Now THAT is golden skate jam.

When we used to go to this rink religiously, back when it had different owners and ROLLER DJ was on deck, there was this one kid on roller blades who would request the Pokémon theme song every single Sunday and at first I thought it was so dumb but after a while, I was power-fisting around the rink like I was catchin’ em all. I miss that kid and I miss those days.

Meanwhile, the next birthday girl had her song played and it was AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck”?! Not what I was expecting.

Look, I know that not everyone is going to come out to the roller dome and skate like a motherfucking dream like me because the world isn’t perfect, but it’s hard to enjoy yourself when you’re playing slalom with all the little kids using skating walkers (those things are a HAZARD and should not be allowed!) or worrying that one of the older, but just as talentless, kids is going to bite it and take you down with them. I miss the days of Soul Skate! That was when some local urban skate crew would rent out the whole rink one Sunday night a month for an adult-only skate session full of real skate jams and the kinds of people who could actually dance on wheels.

I really want to continue skating, even if it’s not as regularly as we used to, but it’s not as fun now that Henry can’t skate and none of my friends ever want to go anymore, and I really don’t like that rink anymore but it’s the closest one, ugh #firstworldskatingprobs.

There is another rink in Charleroi that we went to several times and I loved everything about it except that I felt Goldilocks with the skate rental! Their skates are obnoxiously shitty and I actually threw a huge tantrum last time we there and demanded a refund even though Henry begged me not to and shirked away to hide in the car. BUT I WAS VICTORIOUS IN THE END! Anyway, Henry won’t go back to that one because of that time, but it was like 6 years ago so I think we’re safe.

Calvin came over to play last night and made Grandpa Hanky (??? I guess I just accidentally gave Henry his new halabeoji nickname) wear this unicorn headband that Chooch bought for himself at last year’s Santa Shop at school.

Immediately, it made me think of one of my favoritest, bestest photos of my pappap and me, which I actually had just dig up last week after finding this tattoo artist in Hongdae who does these really cool line sketches of family portraits, etc.

I just really like the idea of having that picture translated into simple lines.

Pappaps are the best. Now I’m depressed. Also exhausted because Chooch and I just finished workout #9 and now Chooch is in awe because he never knew I could do rockstar squats like a fucking beast. *blows on fingertips*

P.S. Calvin calls our cats “meow meows” and doesn’t understand why they run from him but it’s hilarious because they only stay hidden for a few minutes before creeping back out to observe him from afar. They’re confused/terrified of him but also extremely interested.

So many good songs dropped over the last several days that I have no choice but to share them on here today. Seriously, no choice. It must be done.

And the first one on my list is this new one from SHINee’s Key, which came out the day before his military enlistment (*tears*) and features Soyeon from (G)i-dle. The first word that came to mind when watching this MV last night was “smooth.” It goes down smooth like honey and the color palette is, oh my god I’m going to sound like some prattish lifestyle blogger here, inspiring. I want a room with green and black orb things protruding from the wall now and my house is definitely lacking in the red department. HENRY, GET THEE TO HOME DEPOT.

We went rollerskating yesterday and THIS is what was missing. This would be such a cool mid-tempo jam to glide around to. Dumb American skating rinks.

Since that last song featured Soyeon, let’s talk about her group’s new comeback song! Henry is on the fence with it, but the more I hear it, the more I love it. Really, I just love Soyeon.

I never really liked or disliked Spanish music before (I mean, I liked Shakira for a hot sec though) but there is some kind of magic that happens when Korea meets Spain, man. It just works somehow! So far, I have really loved all of (G)i-dle’s music – I love how their effortless edginess, their concepts, Soyeon’s rapping, and that interesting “fwoofwoo” sound that they make in this song and also in HANN. What is that!? I don’t know, but it sounds cool and unlike anything else, and it’s so much better than just saying “lalalala” or “Whoa.”

Next up is a slow-burner coming from JUS2, the new subgroup of Chooch’s favorite Kpop group Got7, featuring JB and Yugyeom.

I am all about this song. It’s so chill! It reminds me of when the local urban radio station had a late night program called Quiet Storm where they played all kinds of slow and smooth r&b and I would lay in bed, that on in the background, writing in my journal about whatever current boy I was essentially preying on.

Look, I love Got7 a lot (not as much as Chooch does, probably) but if these two want to take some more time off to serve up the public with more juicy JUS2 jam sandwiches, I’ll allow it.

This next song is a POWER JAM, my chingu. Henry’s grandson Calvin is here right now and is straight up celebrating while this song plays on the TV. I like to imagine that Shindong and UV are walking next to me, cheering me on the entire way to the trolley platform every morning. (Calvin just put a unicorn headband on me and then, after inspecting it, said “Eh” and toddled away. Oh Calvin, if only you knew how accustomed I am to that reaction.)

And this last song is the killer: Queen Sunmi is back with another awesome song and even better MV full of social media commentary. Those images hit home, man. This was me at one time. I cared so much about the Internet and the image I portrayed, and I was turning into a gross caricature. Everything got so much better in my life and my head when I left Facebook, which I truly believe is the WORST of them all. Instagram is getting there for me, too: I refuse to participate in IG stories. I sometimes go days without posting anything and it doesn’t stress me out like it would have in the past. And even this thing here that I’m writing on – I don’t care who reads it – I mean, if you’re reading it, I do appreciate it but I’m not losing sleep over losing comments; leaving Facebook really makes you realize how disposable you are as a human being–the “out of sight out of mind” mentality people have these days is out of control!

On that note, squirm uncomfortably at how fucking fake the world has become with Sunmi’s beautifully raw “Noir” video:

Well that’s all for this edition of “Erin Posts Kpop Videos for Her Imaginary Blog Audience.” Annyeong, dingdong!

Sometimes I just feel like sharing old stories up in this piece and, well, I can because I’m the Queen Bitch of this Domain. Tonight, I chose this one from 2011 (2011!!) because Chooch was so little and angelic-looking back then plus it really illustrates how much respect we have for Henry in this household.

Also, getting locked out of the house is kind of just what we do around here.

ENJOYYYY.
***********

Goddammit, all I wanted to do was go for a nice, leisurely family stroll around our crappy town, but dum-dum Henry left the keys in the house and started flipping out about how it was my fault because I rushed him out of the house.

I was like, “Why can’t we just go for a walk and worry about this later?” which apparently was not a Great Idea based on the look of utter incredulity Henry flashed at me.

Chooch and I carried on like cackling assholes while Henry tore apart the garage for suitable items to MacGyver a battering ram. I mean, I guess if he hot-glued together all of his old porn VHS tapes from the SERVICE, he might have something to go on.

He ignored my suggestions of calling the landlord or heaving a cinder block through the window and instead considered using a can of gasoline to burn down the front door.

I’m surprised he didn’t go next door to ask Hot Naybor Chris for a breaking and entering consultation, considering those two once helped the gas man break into our neighbor’s house in order to shut off his gas before our house exploded.

Yeah, this has promise.

“What? I coulda done it. If only I had remembered to eat my individually-wrapped prunes today.”

“NOW I HAVE HEDGECLIPPERS! THESE WILL HELP! I WILL MANICURE THE WEEDS INTO SILHOUETTES OF MY REPUBLICAN HEROES WHILE STARING LONGINGLY INTO OUR FRONT WINDOW.”

These are some of the things Henry said while Chooch and I buzzed around him like flies on a bear:

• THAT’S ENOUGH!
• YOU’RE A LOT OF FUCKING HELP.
• GO SOMEWHERE AND PLAY!
• THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT. I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO GO FOR A WALK!
• FML FML FML FML FML
• YEAH, THIS IS REAL FUCKING FUNNY.
• AND I JUST KNOW I’M MISSING “SHE’S CRAFTY.” MOTHER!
• YOU ASSHOLES CAN JUST STAY OUT HERE! I’LL FUCKING WALK TO WORK. AT LEAST I HAVE THOSE KEYS.

Oh God, Chooch. DON’T POKE THE BEAR!

…or KICK the bear. Henry almost gave Chooch “orphan” status after this.

Meanwhile, I found this fucker in the garage. WTF kind of creepshow is this!? I wish I had had it for my Murder Desk at work.

I was trying to chronicle this episode from all angles, which did not please the man one bit. He made like he was going to grab my phone off me and beat me with it, enlightening me on what it must be like to work for TMZ.

After fifteen minutes, Henry succeeded in prying open the window with a pair of pliers. Now you know how to break into my house and steal our cats. Seriously, it’s all we’ve got in there. Cats galore.

Just don’t forget to bring a small child to catapult through the window. (I mean, at least he’s going IN a window and not falling OUT of a window, right?)

You know that fucker is going to go to school tomorrow and tell his teacher about how his burglar parents made him shimmy up the side of a skyscraper.

Moments later, the house keys came whaling through the window straight at Henry’s face. Chooch rules.

“ENOUGH ALREADY.”

Reassembling the window.

And he did it all so he could go on a walk he did not want to go on in the first place. In this picture, I think he’s texting his boss: OMG I IS A HEROE. I NEED DAY OFF.

JUST SOME THOUGHTS THAT NEED DUMPED INTO THIS INTERNET COMMODE. Carry on.

• I have been feenin’ for some rollerskating action recently (it sucks when the closest rink if run by non-great people which is why we stopped going regularly), and then when I walked into the dentist’s office this morning, RETURN OF THE MACK was playing and everyone knows that’s my eternal skate jam, like if I had to have a roller-theme, it would be that, hands down. Anyway, I took this as a sign so maybe this weekend I’ll motivate myself to leave the house and jam out on the rink.
• • I’ve been to the new dentist three times since December! This time it was just for a small cavity, but I think I’m starting to have a crush on the new dentist now, or maybe it’s some sort of reverse Florence Nightingale effect, who knows, but his voice is kind of Seth Rogen-ish and I LIKE THAT OK.
• • An hour later, I took a massively careless chug of coffee and still had Invisible Fat Lip syndrome so it missed my mouth and sluiced down my chin and all over my sweater because I’m one of those freaks who usually gets dressed to work from home. I mean, at the very least, I put makeup on. I AM THE VAINEST.
• One day at work recently, I was in the kitchen having just opened a hardboiled egg when Aaron came in and started interrogating me on said egg. He asked me what my method is and I was like, “…for hardboiling it? Oh, I just tell Henry to do it” and Aaron was like, “Yeah, I don’t even know why I asked.” This really sums up a lot of my life.
• Hey speaking of work, I couldn’t mention it on here because it was officially announced at work yet but I got a little bit of a promotion and it made me happy! Sometimes I forget that my hard work really is noticed by the people there who matter, and that was a really good vote of confidence for me when I really needed it because I have been pretty stressed lately. I came home and added a bunch more amusement parks to my list for 2019 and Henry was like, “They just added ‘senior’ to your title, not President.”
• THIS, with caption:

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• Chooch and I are advancing to the next level of the Jillian Michaels Body Revolution workout this week (level 9 & 10) and I am so scared. The last one we did had crow push-ups and one-leg push-ups, so what’s next? No-leg push-ups? I’m like, shuddering. Meanwhile, Chooch continues to be a little fucking chatterbox during our cardio nights (we are both uncharacteristically quiet during the strength-training circuits, Henry loves it). These are some things my little octogenarian son said during our last cardio sesh:
• • I think I finally figured out what’s wrong with my knee: the kneecap is broken.
• • You know what’s weird? When I’m older, I think I might ACTUALLY join a book club.
• • There’s a splinter in my hip.
• My tax refund was deposited last Friday and I was like LET’S BOOK OUR FLIGHT TO KOREA, OPPA but Henry was like, “Calm down, prices are going to drop here soon” because he watches shit like that, so I ran to Wendy’s office and whined about it and she was just like, “Let the adult handle this one, Erin” and I was like FINE but it’s not fine! I’m impatient! This money is burning a hole in my Korea account!
• Me, crying about Taemin: His fucking profile, tho. Henry: What’s wrong with it? Me, incredulous: NOT A FUCKING THING. ITS LIKE GOD HIMSELF CHISELED IT FROM THE BEST MARBLE IN THE WORLD GO FUCK YOURSELF, HENRY.
• • Speaking of my favorite subject (Taemin, not Henry), I caught Henry dancing to Taemin’s “Want” in the kitchen and almost melted from secondhand embarrassment. Chooch was like, “DON’T EVER LET ME CATCH YOU DOING THAT AGAIN.”
• SECOND SIGN TODAY THAT I NEED TO ROLLERSKATE, from the same episode as the Instavid I posted up there:

• My Dork Son (j/k I love that he’s a brainiac) is receiving the Trifecta Award tonight and I can’t go because I’m working late shift. This is the 7th or 8th time he’s received it (you have to be High Honors, perfect attendance, and something else I forget for a…what do you call it? Semester?) and I have missed every single presentation because it’s always a Thursday and I never know about it until the night before it seems. But Henry is there at least…not sure how much of a consolation it is for Chooch to attend with his generically-dressed dad, but there you have it. Anyway, I hope Chooch stays smart. I was really smart until halfway through high school when I lost interest and started sneaking out to have sex in a field with a psychopath who burned down his best friend’s house over a video game and no I didn’t make that up, but hoo-boy I love referencing it!
• • And wow, in the same bulletpoint where I talked about my kid! I’m so fucking classy.
• The one problem I have with working from home is that I drink so much coffee all day long to keep from snacking on everything in my kitchen.
• Now I’m all sentimental about back when rollerskating was my life and the rink was run by nice people. Remember when I touched Roller DJs hair?!!? And the time I was pissed because the roller cops weren’t blowing the whistle at all the kids who were skating the wrong direction and Henry was like, “That’s because they’re deaf” and then WOW WHO’S THE DICKHEAD NOW. Man, and all of the soul skates! We had some good times at that place. Maybe I should build my own roller rink and here’s where I ignore Henry’s lecture about insurance and liability etc.
• • Time to listen to Return of the Mack again.
• I just blurted out, “I have a crush on my dentist” to Henry and he acted all appalled and I was like, “Wow, this bitch actually cares?!” but apparently he thought I said I had a crush on my desk. Now that he knows it’s my dentist, he doesn’t care.
• Chooch and I finished watching Devilish Joy last week and he said he’s ruined now and doesn’t want to watch another Korean drama because none will ever be as good and I’m like, “Bruv listen, I say that after every drama yet here I am, watching 6 different ones at the same time.” (Honestly, I’m watching the aforementioned Reply 1988, Touch My Heart, Radiant, Come & Hug Me, Where Stars Land, and Encounter which I’m kind of bored with but I’ll probably finish eventually. I like to jog in place while watching these in case you needed a visual.)

I just did Cardio Level 3 with Chooch and now my brain is mush and I have no thoughts left to share.

Bye-bye.

The only notable thing about this last weekend is that it was the last one of February! It really feels like we’re nearing winter’s finish line! ANY FUCKING DAY NOW.

I thought that we were supposed to have nice weather that weekend but I must have been looking at some other city’s weather forecast because I think it rained all day on Saturday? Why can’t I remember?! All I know is that Henry and I went for a walk to the post office and to whatever that cafe is on Brookline Blvd so I could buy a bag of what Henry thinks is overpriced coffee but hello it’s La Prima which is one of the best coffees in this shit city and it is what I like so until you start drinking coffee, shut your furry fucking mouth, Henrik the Dick.

(I’m so creative with my name-calling.)

Yeah I think most of Saturday was spent exercising, going on dreary walks, and watching K-dramas. Although that night, I wanted to watch a horror movie and, on recommendation of one of my favorite pin makers, I chose Digging Up the Marrow.

Look, I can find redeeming qualities in almost any horror movie because that is my favorite genre, and this movie did have its moments but I was pretty disappointed. There were so many loose ends! I kept asking Henry rhetorical questions two days later and he was just like, “Hold on, let me look at the script I wrote for this movie 5 years ago and see if I put the answers in there.”

Then came Sunday:

Chooch went to piano lessons. Bye Chooch. I stayed home and can’t remember what I did. I think I exercised and watched videos of NCT speaking different languages.

Janna came over that afternoon because we had coffee plans and ultimately decided to go to Orbis in Mt. Lebanon. The weather was super weird on Sunday and kept getting worse, but I swear when I whined about wanting to walk there, it wasn’t that bad yet.

Ok, it was pretty bad. It was starting to rain a little but the wind, oh Lord THE WIND. It was the kind of wind you’d imagine rushing out of the gates of Hell. We were only a block away and could have, should have, turned around to get the car, but I was like IT IS NOT THAT BAD. IT JUST FEELS BAD RIGHT NOW BC WE ARE WALKING UPHILL. I mean, we were bent over and walking headfirst into major barometric resistance.

(Lol I don’t know what barometric means.)

We probably looked like dumbasses to everyone driving past us, I mean NO ONE in their right mind was on foot in that wind-storm.

It got so bad when we were about halfway there that we had to duck inside the doorway of Erik’s Lighting because trees and store signs were swaying with a vengeance.

I had all these awful, catastrophic scenarios flying through my mind, like what if the wind gained micro-burst strength and tossed us into the air and we landed in the dreaded river on top of a dead body and rusty barge parts. Or if the Cain’s Saloon sign, which was dangerously swinging to and fro, snapped and flew straight into Janna, decapitating her crudely. And then her mom would slam me into a wall at the funeral home and wail, “WHY DID YOU MAKE HER WALK TO THAT FUCKING COFFEE SHOP I NEVER LIKED YOU AND ALWAYS TOLD JAN TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE YOURE TROU-HHAHAHAHAHAH-BLE!!!!!” And then I would show her the fake Kakao text log that I would have previously fabricated in secret under a blanket in my bed that showed me saying, “Hey, there’s a hint of decapitation in the air, let’s take my car to the cafe” and Janna is all, “No, I would prefer to walk. Don’t worry, if anything happens to me, it is totally, 100% my own fault and you shan’t be held accountable” because shan’t is a word Janna would probably use.

AND THEN IT STARTED TO HAIL!

Oh hahaha! What a miserable walk just for a cupping fuck of coffee.

YES.

CUPPING FUCK.

Also, the temperature was allegedly 45 degrees when we left so I didn’t wear a hat but by this point my ears felt like they were being repeatedly punched by a paragliding kangaroo. It was painful. And my hands were red and frozen because, you guessed it! No gloves.

I think I’m an adult?

Janna looked like her spirit had actually been blown out of her body, she was expressionless and barely talking to me.

“Hey, you wanted to hang out,” I reminded her.

My favorite part is when we finally got to the block that Orbis lives on but I forgot how far down it actually was and started internally panicking because I thought IT WASNT THERE ANYMORE. But then I saw the sign and felt relief until I realized I DIDNT CHECK TO SEE WHAT TIME THEY CLOSED. Some cafes close at 2 on Sundays! But thank god, it was open for another hour.

One of the baristas asked us what it was like out there and I blurted out WELL WE STUPIDLY WALKED HERE FROM BROOKLINE AND IT WAS PRETTY TERRIBLE and Janna was still trying to repair her broken spirit with a piece of chewing gum and some coffee stirrers so she didn’t say much.

She did however check a map to see how far we walked and I was like, “Oh it was only 1.6 miles!” Except add in a weird baby-tornado and face-smacking hail. That kind of makes a difference I guess.

But our drinks were warm and good and we treated ourselves to sugar-carbs, plus Henry came to pick us up because, yeah. We weren’t tryna round-trip that brutality.

Back at my house, Chooch and I forced Janna to watch rollercoaster POVs and Kpop stuff and then Chooch taught her what pansexual and gender fluid means because middle school kids know it all, however, I was offended that she didn’t remember pansexuality from when I wrote a post in my fake LiveJournal I ghost-wrote for her (pelvic_exam, lol) called Janna’s Pansexual Thanksgiving.

Ugh, oh well. That was my weekend.

Last week, one of my co-workers called out from her office, “So Erin, which date are you going to?”

I paused. “Oh, Lol—you mean for BTS?”

She said yes and I shook my head. “None. I just saw them in September and there’s a rumor that another group I like better is going to come to the US!”

She seemed shocked when I said that BTS isn’t really in my top 5, even (but don’t get me wrong, I do like them a lot!).

I explained that there are so many other groups out there that it’s impossible for me to put all my k-eggs in one kimchi pot, and she asked why it is that only BTS has really made it big in America.

I just shrugged. “I think America can only handle one Korean group right now,” and Regina just cracked up because it’s fucking true! America needs spoon fed! Foreign things are scary and weird, ew what are they saying, gross!

?

Honestly, I think in addition to their talent, it’s also timing, luck, and the fact that they have a literally army of dedicated fans who know how to aggressively work social media. But….it doesn’t mean that they’re the best ones out there and people should really do some exploring into the genre because it’s fascinating and full of gems!

Then tonight my friend Veronica sent me a message on IG – NCT127 formally announced their tour!

I AM SO STOKED! I mean, assuming that I can get a ticket.

My wallet has fucking crumbs in it at this point but I’ll find a way.

So today was RULL awesome! I got to work bright and early, actually nearly 30 minutes early, and I was just casually hanging out at Margie’s desk, talking about acorns and snakes (????), holding my coffee supplies in my hands, when suddenly, Lauren came bursting onto the scene.

At first I was like, “oh yay, there’s Lauren! Hi Laur—” and then that quickly morphed into a, “WAIT WHY ARE YOU HERE I THOUGHT YOU WERE LATE SHIFT?!”

She was just like, “Nope, not me” and then Glenn piped up from his desk, “Roll Call says “Erin late shift, working from home’.”

FALALALAFUCK!!

I was so pissed that I wasted a whole morning waking up early, getting ready for work, begging Henry to drive me to work, when I could have been chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool in a messy bun in my living room.

Goddammit!!!!!

“Welp, byeeeee!” I cried to everyone and Lauren was like, “you don’t wanna stay and hang out??” NOPE! Not wasting a precious “work from home” day!

So I grabbed my purse and ran out to catch the trolley. Luckily, Chooch had a two-hour delay today so I called him in a panted and cried, “DO NOT LOCK THE DOOR WHEN YOU LEAVE! I AM COMING HOME!” because if you’re a card-carrying member of the OhHonestlyErin frequent reader club, or work with me and have to hear me whine, you know that I do not have my original house key and I cannot use Henry’s or Chooch’s house keys because they were cut stupidly and I always cut my hand when I try to wrench it into the lock.

Ughhhhh.

So then I got home and instead of relaxing for the 90 minutes I had left before I had to start working, it occurred to me that I should probably do a test run because we recently had an upgrade at work and I wanted to make sure I could connect.

I COULD NOT CONNECT. So I had to spend 30 of my 90 free minutes on the phone with the HELP DESK UGH and they gave me a work-around which was fine but my Outlook was missing all the shared inboxes I use daily and I was like HELLO I NEED THESE but then the help desk wasn’t answering me so I had to work on some weird generic work desktop, using only ONE SCREEN (the horror!!) and eventually I was resigned to the fact that I was probably going to have to just hop back on the trolley and work my late shift from the office (and my co-workers *cough*Glenn&Todd*throat clear* would never let me live that one down) when finally my help desk hero came through and called me with a BETTER SOLUTION that enabled me to connect to my actual desktop and holyyyyyyy shit this blog post is so boring.

The moral of this story though is ALWAYS REMEMBER TO SET AN ALERT WHEN YOU ADD SHIT TO YOUR PHONE CALENDAR. I had “late shift” in my phone for today but A LOT OF GOOD THAT DID with no alert set.

Other than that, great Monday! No complaints!

Yo yo yo, I’m back with another kpop concert blog recap and I know you’re like, “Wow, I didn’t know Erin likes kpop” but it’s true. I do. Now you can’t say I never told you any secrets.

So this particular concert was for Red Velvet, a five-member girl group from Kpop juggernaut SM Entertainment, and also one of the very first groups I started to pay attention to at the beginning of my k-aerobics journey. The first video of theirs’ I ever watched was for “Dumb Dumb” and I was instantly entranced by the creepy quirkiness of it and immediately shared it with a bunch of my co-workers for Friday Video and even they were like “This is weirdly good.”

Over the years, we’ve seen numerous comebacks from Red Velvet and they have really evolved into something special. They have a dual concept: the cute and poppy “red” side, and the sultry r&b “velvet” side and it really works well for them. It makes them more well-rounded, multi-dimensional, and less of a one-trick pigeon-holed pony.

Chooch also really likes Red Velvet a lot so when they announced their first North American tour a few mths ago, I apologized to my bank account, begged for financial forgiveness, sold Henry’s right kidney on the dark web, and bought us two tickets, which were nosebleed even though I sat there for 45 minutes before tickets went on sale, staring at the countdown page.

There has got to be a better system. Someone, please give us a better system. Can we go back to, I don’t know, standing in line outside of Kaufmann’s, waiting for the ticket office to open? Am I dating myself? DO I CARE?

You know, it’s not even so much the price of the tickets that kills me, it’s the fact that these shows never come anywhere closer than Newark or Toronto, so no matter what, we have to road trip, so now on top of the ticket prices, we have to add in the cost of travel and hotel rooms and then skip a few meals but whatever, it’s all for the experience and the chance to talk about it at some funeral wake twenty five years from now, am I right or wrong.

This damn concert landed us in Newark again which is fine, whatever. I was just happy that we had the opportunity to see these awesome girls!

I even had our clothes all picked out in advance!

In honor of their song “Red Flavor,” I bought Chooch this cool watermelon shirt which will be mine once he outgrows it, and I wore my Strawberry Milk sweater. Henry was like, “Yes, I get it” and then begrudgingly took our picture.

The concert was the the NJ Performing Arts Center, right near our hotel. It was literally a two minute walk, but Henry said that on his way back (we made him walk us there, lol), there were people at our hotel getting an Uber to take them there?! Hopefully they just didn’t realize how close it was, otherwise, I have officially lost all hope for mankind.

This picture is super blurry because I was walking when I took it, but this is the fucking merch line. It wrapped around three floors! We got there right after doors opened, and it was already like this. That’s a big hard NO. Also, when we were still in the lobby, someone behind the merch table started yelling that all the white shirts were sold out, so I wasn’t even about to get in line at that point. Luckily, a limited number of shirts were made available online a week later, so I was able to get a black one then. Sucks that I had to pay for shipping, but at least I didn’t have to wait in that line just to be disappointed!

We were all the way up in the fourth tier, but! We were in the second row smack dab in the middle, so it was actually a great view even though we were up high. And the people around us were inoffensive. There were three Korean girls behind me, probably in their late 20s, and I heard them gushing about Taemin’s comeback before the show started! I had this strong urge to turn around and butt in, but I hate talking to strangers and also Chooch was like PLZ DON’T EMBARRASS ME.

He’s at that awesome age where everything I do is embarrassing.

Or am I at that awesome age where everything I do is embarrassing?

Guys, this old couple in the row in front of us was so fucking cute, I couldn’t stand it! Who knew there were such old ReveLuvs (the name of Red Velvet fans) in America!? I love it. Kpop is for everyone.

The show started at 7:00 with a video of Red Velvet at EVERLAND and we were excitedly whispering, “We were there!” to each other. The video was adorable and tied in with the whole “Redmare” concept by showing them waking up from naps and having weird things happen to them, like disappearing and appearing on a stage in….Newark (sorry girls but at least NYC is nearby!), turning into animals and being hunted by zoo keepers, and getting lost in a haunted house. It was split up into several parts and shown throughout the show. As soon as the video started, I had tears streaming down my face. I have zero hold over my emotions anymore. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN I HIT MENOPAUSE????? I can’t think about that now.

The first song they performed was Russian Roulette and it was a strong choice! Everyone was screaming their dumb faces off, me included. I had the dumbest face of all the faces probably.

I might be way more into boy groups these days, but in the beginning of the descent down the kpop k-hole, it was all about the girl groups for me and I have to say, this concert was everything that I didn’t know I needed — the girls just bring a totally different charisma and charm to the stage. Obviously, it was fun to the maxxxxx, but it was also a huge sense of camaraderie – there is nothing quite like the feeling of being in a beautiful venue with thousands of other people who understand how invigorating and joyous Korean pop music is.

This song is special to me because it came out right after I had a Korean lesson on “here, there, over there” so when I heard this song for the first time, I screamed, “I KNOW WHAT THEY’RE SAYING THERE!” and then I explained it to Henry who gave negative fucks about it. But for me and my remedial Korean education, it made a big impression.

They did a bit of talking here and there – Wendy is Canadian so her English is fluent, and Yeri gave a strong effort. The rest of them relied on an off-stage translator at the end when it was time to talk about their feelings, and I’m glad that they were able to have that opportunity to communicate with us their excitement and appreciation. I’m going to be honest here – I wasn’t sure how much I was going to like this show because their KCON performance was so short and some of the Korean performances I had seen (music countdown shows, award shows, etc) sometimes came off feeling a bit stiff and emotionless. But on this night, they were IN IT and the emotion was strong. There was a video floating around of Seulgi losing her hairpiece during one of the songs and Irene couldn’t stop cracking up—it was so cute to see them looking so relaxed and enjoying their time on the stage!

Seulgi is my RV bias, but I came super close to Henry’s bias Yeri. HER HAPPINESS IS GODDAMN PALPABLE.

Chooch was so engaged and invested through the entire show, whereas he was definitely losing interest at the BTS concert and even during parts of all the KCON concerts we’ve attended. Red Velvet had his undivided attention though!

We both agreed, at the end, that it was 100% worth the trip to Newark.

SETLIST:

• Russian Roulette
• Power Up 
• My Second Date (solo dance)
• Mosquito
• Look
• Mr. E
• Zoo
• Happiness (Chooch’s favorite jam)

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• Hit that Drum
• Lucky Girl
• Bad Dracula
• All Right
• Blue Lemonade
• About Love
• Midnight Melody
• Bad Boy (English version)
• Peek-a-Boo
• Really Bad Boy
• Rookie

ENCORE

• Day 1
• Red Flavor

***

Before we left the venue, I texted Henry to come and meet us so we wouldn’t have to walk back alone. He said NO!? That he was TOO COMFORTABLE?! I thought for sure he was kidding, no way he’d let his precious cargo stumble along the dark streets of Newark alone.

NOPE, HE WASN’T KIDDING. We got back to the hotel and he was watching The Princess Bride in his underwear.

My life lately has been consuming every piece of footage I can find on YouTube during Taemin’s “Want” comeback cycle, scream-singing jingles to the cats about my every movement, and having stress dreams about work. So basically, nothing to see here, haha.

Ha.

Ugh.

But I do have some pictures on my phone that I need to dump into this blog-commode, and of course those pictures come with words, apologies in advance. I’ll try to limit it to five things because that would be staying true to the title of this blog and keep me an honest woman.

(EVEN THOUGH HENRY NEVER MADE ME AN HONEST WOMAN IN THE FIRST PLACE.)

1. Bad Ice Cream

I know what you’re thinking, “Poppycock!” because you live inside a Dickens novel probably, but it’s true: we had a bad ice cream experience last Saturday and I’m still very sad about it. You know I love Millie’s. Everyone knows I love Millie’s. I have been singing their praises for years, ever since they opened a storefront, even though they replaced my then-favorite ice cream joint, Oh Yeah. I have been taking out-of-town friends to Millie’s, arranging “off-site work meetings-slash-team building” field trips to the Millie’s downtown, and basically I just pimp the fuck out of Millie’s like she’s a real life corner-stander in fishnets.

Chooch and I were RULL stoked to go to Millie’s on this particular day because they recently started a limited flavor series called Love Letters where they partner up with other local food businesses, like chocolatiers, honey makers, cheese….rs? You get what I’m saying. We both really had our hearts set on this one that was made with some dude’s fresh ricotta or whatever, mixed with almonds, and topped with an optional drizzle of Mike’s Hot Honey which hello, that’s the same honey I had on my pizza in NYC and it was THE BIZZ.  But once we got there, Chooch changed his mind and was going to get some chocolate hazelnut thing instead, which was also a Love Letter.

Right off the bat, I got BAD VIBES from the young girl working. She was surly. No personality. Seemed super rushed. First, I watched her be incredibly rude to the couple in front of us (young Asians, so you know I was on their side), sighing heavily as they asked for samples.

Then when it was our turn, Chooch tried to order that hazelnut thing and she cut him off with a curt, “We’re out of that.” WELL, PUT SOMETHING ON THE SIGN THEN, HON. So he instead got some orange floral flavor which I didn’t think he would like but he did, so at least one of us had a happy ending.

When it was my turn, I ordered the Owner of a Tony Heart or whatever it was called, and she very exasperatedly said, “Cup or cone” like bitch, lemme finish and you’d know. When she handed the cup to me, I said, “Can I also have the honey driz—-”

“We’re out of that,” she snapped, yet somehow retaining her no-personality blankness.

You guys.

I was super off-put by this. I have always had wonderful service at Millie’s so this came as somewhat of a shock to me, not like I’ve never had shitty service before, but you know.

But worst of all, when I started to eat my ice cream, IT DID NOT TASTE OF SWEET CHEESE AT ALL. It tasted plain! Like vanilla! So I of course pouted over this and Henry was like, “Please just take my ice cream” but at that point, I didn’t EVEN WANT ICE CREAM ANYMORE. Look, I don’t pig-out on ice cream very often anymore and I considered this to be a special treat since Chooch and I have been working out with Jillian so hard. I DIDN’T WANT TO WASTE THE CALORIES ON SOMETHING I DIDN’T TRULY WANT!

I realize that this is about as first world probz as it comes. I am a very self-aware peoples.

So first I complained about it on Twitter and my fellow ice-cream aficionado Chris of Chronica Fame immediately replied and we commiserated about my woes publicly for all to see. THEN I TOOK IT NEXT LEVEL and commented on the picture of the ricotta ice cream that Millie’s had recently posted and said, “Mine did not look like that and you were out of the honey *Sad face*”

Almost immediately, they DMd me! Through a congenial back-and-forth, we deduced that I likely did not get the right scoop and at this point I made sure to let the spokesperson know that the broad slinging that ‘cream was ambivalent at best and they were like OH NO PLZ DESCRIBE HER so that was awkward but I did it and they came back and said that she had actually been called in on her day off but they were not excusing her attitude and will have a talk with her ASAP so then I just felt guilty because we all have our bad days, and I hope that she is actually always like this because those types of people NEED TO BE TOLD ON.

And that’s what I’m here for. Tattletale till I die.

Oh yeah, so this was resolved by Millie’s offering me a free pint of any flavor I want and now I have to go back ASAP and try a REAL scoop of that ricotta stuff and thank god they have other locations now because I’ll probably never go back to the one in Shadyside ever again now that I NARC’d.

2. EATING WITH WORK FRIENDS

I have been pretty sheltered lately, not really on purpose but because I’m so distracted with my hobbies and whatever that I have been slacking at making plans. However! I had food plans two Saturdays in a row with friends and it was a nice shot of social stability.

Two Saturdays ago, I had breakfast at Pamela’s with Jeannie, Wendy, and Summer. We didn’t talk about work at all! It was really nice and tranquil until Jeannie started showing Summer (Wendy’s three-year-old daughter) pictures of her dog because we’re always vying for Summer’s attention. She was already unimpressed with my Everland popcorn purse so then I started showing her pictures of my cats to counteract Jeannie’s dog (ugh he’s cute though but I wanted my cats to win!). Then I pulled out the big guns and started showing her gifs of Taemin and Jinu. She gave me this bored look and was probably wondering how old I am.

(Side note: Then I went home and got a weird stomach bug which only lasted half the day so I’m not sure if it was my food or what. But yeah, that happened, and that’s also how I “accidentally” started watching You on Netflix which Glenn had mentioned that he and his wife were watching but when I saw that PENN BADGLEY is in it, I was interested. I was excited to tell Glenn on Monday that I was watching it and that DAN HUMPHREY from GOSSIP GIRL is in it.

“I didn’t watch that,” he mumbled.

So then I gave him a major spoiler and he mumbled, “Again, I really don’t care.” WOW.)

This last Saturday, BARB and I had lunch at Blue Flame! BARB sent her bacon back because it tasted like fish and this is still endlessly funny to me, so much that when Henry asked me later how Barb is doing, I said, “She sent back her bacon because it tasted like fish” and then I started cracking up.

I always learn the best little nuggets about Barb every time we hang out. This time, she was proud to tell me that she is not as obsessed with Tom Jones anymore (that actually made me sad!) and that when she was younger and traveling with her dad for hockey games, she and her friends would go to the front desk of the hotels and have “Mike Hunt” paged. LOLOLOLOL BARB IS THE BEST. I couldn’t wait to tell Chooch! He didn’t get it at first and just kept saying “Mike Hunt?” over and over which made it even funnier.

Penelope occasionally  wakes me up in the middle of the night because she is straight SCREAMING at this old, dirty yellow pompom that she either loves or hates, I can’t tell, and it is so annoying. I got more sleep when Chooch was an infant, I swear.

3. Stress-ships

I mentioned earlier in this post that I have been having stress dreams and I actually started to write a blog post about it the other night but then I was like THIS AIN’T NO DREAM JOURNAL, YO. However!! Janna had a stress dream about me and I wanted to share it because it’s basically the perfect analogy for our friendship, or, stress-ship.

So apparently in this dream, I had given Janna a thing of blueberries to hold for me but then she ate them and started to panic because I was going to come back for them so she started running around trying to find more blueberries but people kept snatching them from her hands and this made me LOL so much when she told me because that’s exactly the kind of friend I am – the kind that would get pissed and maybe even slap a person if they ate my blueberries.

And I don’t even like blueberries that much! But I would still be mad!

4. A LOT OF MICHAEL MCDONALD 

I naturally do this thing where I sing what I’m saying, which is something that Henry and Chooch love and cherish about me. Lately, after almost every infuriating convo with my aforementioned almost-teen, I walk away singing Michael McDonald’s “I Keep Forgetting” in my head except the lyrics are “I keep forgetting you fucking know everything. I keep forgetting my brain’ll never be as big as yours.”‬

IT MUST BE SO BURDENSOME KNOWING EVERYTHING.

Speaking of Michael McDonald!

Guys, you remember a few weeks ago when we were driving home from Toronto and I heard that old 80s jam “Yah Mo Be There” by James Ingram? Well, that song also features Michael McDonald and when I was talking to Todd about it at work the next day, Glenn kept interrupting to say it was the Doobie Brothers and I was like, “No, it was Michael McDonald” and he again mumbled that it was the Doobie Brothers and I snapped, “NO IT WAS JUST ONE DOOBIE, GLENN! JUST THE ONE! MICHAEL MCDONALD!” Ugh, goddammit.

Anyway, THE VERY NEXT DAY JAMES INGRAM DIED. We were all stunned. It was like the time I unfriended someone on Facebook and then he died. Glenn even said he had goosebumps.

OK, that part wasn’t about Michael McDonald, but it was kind of related.

This also just brought back a memory of when I started dating my ex-boyfriend Jeff. He told me that everyone thought his step-dad looked like Michael McDonald.

“Eh, never mind. You probably don’t know who that is,” he said, not yet knowing that he was dating THE YACHT ROCK QUEEN.

When I eventually met his stepdad, I was like, “Holy shit, he does look like Michael McDonald!” It was uncanny, really. You had to be there.

5. FESTERING FEELINGS ABOUT CERAMICS

Hey guys, I’m about to throw it back here for you. When I was in 4th or 5th grade, my mom and I decided to taken ceramics classes together and if we’re being honest here I’m pretty sure it was my idea. We started going to this place called KIRSTING CERAMICS which was run by a husband and wife in their basement which I know sounds like the premise of a student horror film (THE KILN) and everything was great at first, we painted and kiln’d lots of pumpkins and turkeys for the fall, but then my mom started MAKING FRIENDS there and IGNORING ME and Kathy’s husband was a fucking dickstick who was always acting like I shouldn’t be there when their dumb adopted daughter ran amok like a bull in a…ceramics shop BUT NO ONE EVER SAID SHIT ABOUT THAT.

Eventually, my mom started going without me and I know it was just like her escape from my stepdad or whatever, but I was super butt-hurt about it and reasoned that it was probably just because she was jealous that I was so much better at ceramics than her. Lol.

I don’t remember how long ago this was but those ceramic assholes eventually sold their house and now it’s State Farm Insurance.

“That’s actually where my mom was the night my dad THREW A FORK AT MY HAND ON ST PATRICK’S DAY!” I cried to Henry last week after we drove past the old Kirsting house and I subconsciously memory-purged this whole chapter of my life.

“WOW I GUESS I AM STILL MAD ABOUT THIS,” I yelled, and Henry was just like, “Wow, ya think.”

***************

The only way to officially end this post is with a Taemin outro, sorry. “Artistic Groove”‘ is the “b-side” he’s been also performing on all the music shows and at first it didn’t stop my heart or anything but it’s had a slow burn on me over the week and now I think I might like it more than “Want” – especially toward the end when he starts doing these things with his voice that remind me of my favorite Sophie B. Hawkins song (“Don’t Stop Swaying,” OBVI) and it is like warm nostalgia-syrup is being poured on my dumb pancake face.

I don’t know what that means exactly but it all starts around the 2:54 mark, and specifically at 3:07 he sounds like a goddamn angel and I want to punch Henry in the face for not being able to pull off wearing a white ruffled blouse.

…no really, I’m asking YOU.

So, we found ourselves in Newark, NJ again for the third time in just over half a year. That’s a lotta Newark, you guys. It’s easy for me to sit here and be like, “Boo hoo, Newark sucks”  but I realized that’s not very fair. Just because they not have a bustling tourism scene, Roadside America has little to mention about it, and YouTube isn’t overflowing with “Things to do in Newark” videos, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a shit-city, so if you know any hidden gems, please let me know because I’m sure we will end up there again sometime this year since that’s where all the Kpop artists want to perform.

(I will say that their street art is pretty fire, especially when compared to Pittsburgh’s bleak urban artscape. Step it up, P-burgh. We have the goddamn Warhol Museum here for shit’s sake, make Andy proud!)

But for this particular trip, we really only had enough time to grab a meal, so we ended up in nearby Jersey City, which is a place I wouldn’t mind spending more time when we’re not in a concert-rush, because it seems to be a pretty chill city. We went there specifically to eat at Pet Shop, a total hipster dive bar that also happens to have an extensive, full vegetarian/vegan menu. Henry walked into this experience with low expectations because he’s worse than me when it comes to pre-judging, but the vibe was super friendly here and we had an amazing waiter who was also the bartender and reminded me of someone famous but I’m out of the American loop so I can’t place it right now.

It’s called Pet Shop because it used to be a, you know, pet shop. Allegedly. THIS IS WHAT THAT BASTARD YELP SAYS. I’ve been stalking this place for quite some time though. I wanted to go there the last time we were in the area, last September, but it’s technically a bar so you can’t be lugging in your children after a certain time, you know? But this time we were there for a late lunch and it was perfect.

Oh for God’s sake, this menu. It was a tough choice, but I got the reuben, Chooch went with the Impossible Burger, and Henry predictably got the sausage and peppers sandwich – I stole a bite of his sausage (lol he wishes) and it was heavenly.

But my reuben was SPLENDID and I don’t think I’ve ever actually ever said that word out loud before unless I’m being sarcastic. The fries were wonderful too! I was worried because they were thick (that’s what Henry wishes she said) and typically the thick ones get on my nerves because of the inner-texture, but these were just a perfectly-crisp delight to behold.

We were at the SILENT TREATMENT portion of our road trip.

My reuben stuffed with housemade seitan! I love a good faux-meat sandwich.

Chooch loved his Impossible Burger too, and Henry just mumbled, “It was fine” when I asked for a sausage review. What a little bitch.

65% of the reason I wanted to go to this place was specifically to get a shitty picture under the neon birdcage. Two dumb girls were sitting under it, nursing their hipster drinks, from before we got there to literally right before we left. I think the one girl knew I wanted a picture because we kept making eye-contact and Henry was like, “I’m not sitting here any longer, just ask them to move” and I was like, “NO YOU” but then I went to the bathroom and when I came out, Chooch was sitting there and even brought my phone over with him so we could get it over with and leave.

But afterward, Chooch and I both wanted to take pictures of this cool monster ice cream mural we saw on the way into Jersey City, but after driving around in circles for a bit, Henry deduced that it was not accessible by car, but Chooch figured out which building it was on so Henry let us out of the car and we ran amok in some deserted, industrial part of town like two hooligans while a cop drove past.

We had to trample through a run-down loading dock to get to this mural but it was worth it.

Scary, but worth it.

You never know what you might stumble across in areas like this, even in broad daylight! DEAD BODIES DON’T CARE WHAT TIME OF DAY IT IS, OK.

He came so close to actually licking the wall and I almost puked.

Meanwhile, some guy was on the other side of a moving truck, working on a car, and I was so scared when I saw him, that I went running back to Chooch and then stepped on a piece of sheet metal which made a loud noise as it snapped back and Chooch hissed, “YOU’RE GOING TO GET US MURDERED” and then we ran back to the car, passing the cop on the way, and Henry was like, “WOULD YOU TWO ASSHOLES STOP ACTING SO SUSPICIOUS, THERE IS A COP OUT THERE” and of course Henry would know that, he probably bought him donuts! HE IS SO HOT FOR COPS.

Back in Newark, we checked into our hotel (TRYP by Wyndham, actually not a shit-hole/drug den, good job, Hank!) and ran around like dummies taking pictures because it was one of those try-hard boutique hotels where every single corner is Instagram-worthy. The guy at the front desk was totally scattered and spoke in such a bombastic, casual manner that I actually thought there was a hidden camera somewhere especially when he kept calling some hotel employee on the phone named Jazz and ended one of the calls with a quick “I love you” which made me crack up and then he started grilling Henry about football and if there’s one thing Henry LOVES it’s emasculating himself by admitting that he doesn’t watch football like all the other big strong men.

The whole check-in process was just weird and frenetic. I liked it.

Later that evening, Chooch and I were in the stairwell like creeps and heard the front desk guy yelling “fuck that shit!” to one of the other workers and we were like OOH DRAMA but he didn’t even flinch when we came barreling out of the door and into the lobby. That guy is really living life as his truest self.

And then we went for a walk around downtown Newark, which was completely underwhelming.

This shirt is mine as soon as Chooch grows out of it.

And then we went to see Red Velvet, which I will recount in mind-numbing detail for you another day.

But yeah, Newark. Not even Roadside America has any good tips for this place so if you know any townie secrets, please spill the tea! Even if it’s just a good place to get ice cream or a cool pawn shop to get shanked behind, I don’t care!

I didn’t live blog our drive to Newark yesterday because I’m L-Z, but I suppose today I will keep a running list of all the times Henry angers me because if today is anything like yesterday, it will be a pocketful of pissed off posies.

It’s 8:09am and we are heading out of Newark on a dreary, cold President’s Day. As if Newark wasn’t depressing enough on a hot summer day…

We were here just for the Red Velvet concert last night, and in a miraculous turn of events, Henry actually booked us a hotel downtown right across from where the concert was and the hotel was actually nice and moderately boutique-ish so I can’t even complain about anything! Now we’re on the hunt for a quick breakfast so I’m sure that will incite a riot inside this rental car at some point. I will be sure to keep you posted.

8:40am: We successfully found a place to eat (Prestige Diner which isn’t even a diner it’s a moderately-scaled restaurant) without bloodshed and then Henry’s stupid phone volume was on full blast and his GPS broad announced to the whole restaurant that his signal was lost and Chooch and I are so hateful.

Here’s super-cool badass Chooch in his faux-leather hooded jacket and Outsiders shirt, with a big glass of chocolate milk.

Ew wtf my pancakes came with something billed as “low-fat yogurt” and it was unlike anything I have ever experienced. I think it’s mixed with cream cheese??!! IT IS SO BAD! But Henry is sitting here picking at it and I wish he wouldn’t because now he’s going to give this establishment the false impression that they served me something edible. My lord, Henry will eat shit off a shoe, I fucking swear to Taemin’s perfectly-pouted lips.

IF CHOOCH KICKS ME ONE MORE TIME UNDER THE TABLE, I’M GOING TO PUT HIM ON THE MENU AS A PRESIDENTS DAY BRUNCH SPECIAL.

I need to make a friend from Pittsburgh who likes Kpop so I can have someone else to travel with for concerts BECAUSE THIS ARRANGEMENT WITH HENRY & CHOOCH IS NOT WORKING FOR ME ANYMORE. THEY ARE ANNOYING. I HAVE NO SPACE. I CAN’T BREATHE.

That waitress was really going to pack up the yogurt for us LOL

WOW that place was super overpriced and had no personality. It was basically like if Denny’s rebranded to cater to yuppies. I would not recommend. Another Yelp misfire. Apparently though Henry’s toast was really good but I wouldn’t know bc he said it right as he popped the last corner into his grinding face-hole.

But yeah, go to the Prestige if you want a Bloody Mary or mimosa with your basic, unimpressive breakfast.

I originally wanted to eat at the Summit Diner based solely on this Yelp review but Henry was all THERE IS NO EXIT ON THIS ROAD FIND SOMETHING ELSE. There’s never an exit for places I want to go to, how convenient for Henry.

GET ‘EM, JIM G.!!!

9:30am: We just drove past GHOST PONY ROAD.

10:31am: I was feeling depressed about BIGBANG’s military hiatus (this is at least once a day so don’t worry) but then we just drove past Dorney Park so I got briefly excited but then double-depressed because its winter and we still have like two months to go before amusement season is back. Ugh. Life, amirite.

10:49am: And here’s a Medical Malady Moment brought to you by Deer Park water. I had to ask Henry to open a new bottle of water for me and he was like OH COME ON YOU CAN OPEN THIS but I COULDNT because my hands are very weak right now and I have no energy in them so Chooch opened for me but henry continued to yammer on about how I’m making it up because of all the times I’ve punched him (LOVINGLY, thanks) and I was like, “Yes, but that’s always later in the day! In the mornings, I can’t do that! My hands are sensitive!” Honestly if I start to make a Fist right now, my hands will feel very ticklish and I won’t be able to close them all the way and now henry is grilling me about this. HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN HAPPENING? I don’t know, years. YEARS?? THEN U BETTER CALL A DOCTOR. But he’s just pretend-caring because he’s trying not to laugh which is awesome because I’m just over here squeezing invisible lemons to build up my hand strength so I can rip the skin off his face (at the next rest area. I don’t want him to wreck and kill us all).

11:13am: Second time on this trip that I stopped somewhere to pee and the bathroom was out of order I DONT CARE IF A MAN IS IN THERE CLEANING IT I’M GOING TO PEE MY PANTS.

I just threw a tantrum and left.

Sheetz is dead to me.

11:32am: Just stopped at a Flying J down the street for Operation: Urination and there was a tour bus there so I had to stand in line and listen to ZZ Top “Legs.” Then I couldn’t get the knot out of the scarf I’m using as a belt and it was a real sit-com struggle. But my bladder is under control now, and I got to slam two doors on Henry. “Feel better now?” he asked. Wait until my hand strength comes back later and then ask me after my fist meets your face, jackass.

11:53am: Oh fuck, I was looking at my blog stats and someone had viewing one of my old prank call posts where I used to use the IP Relay service to harass people and I was just reading some of the transcripts out loud to Henry who is absolutely disgusted because this is the one thing that can make me laugh harder than anything else and my face started SPASMING from the overexertion my hysterical laughter was causing and I am ugly crying so hard now and losing my voice. “Remember when they changed it and made people formally register to use it?” I wheezed to Henry, who snapped, “Yeah, because of you.” Then I said that was the best time of my life, using that service for evil, and I think Henry is leaving me now.

12:52am I wish I had been keeping a tally of the amount of times Henry said he’s done with us and this is THE LAST TRIP. OK tough guy.

1:45pm: Remember when I said Sheetz is dead to me? Well, it’s been reanimated because it’s LUNCHTIME and I am weak for their Boom Boom sauce on veggie wraps. Henry is bitching about how outrageous the turnpike is and lamenting the fact that our EZ Pass is in our other car and I’m like “go on and rant about your Dad Probz, I’m just gonna deepthroat this veggie wrap in the background.”

Also, I’m going to start pronouncing “pizza” the way it’s spelled from now on. This is ridiculous.

I couldn’t finish my banana so I gave it to Henry but he didn’t want it so he asked Chooch if he wanted it and it practically turned into a trial where Chooch wouldn’t take the banana until it was proven that Henry had not bitten it.

2:12pm: TAEMIN TIME. We made it about 2 hours listening to other things, that’s pretty good, right?

3:20pm: Is it Rumspringa? We just stopped at a rest area and saw a couple of Amish-looking runaways with a car full of wicker baskets.

Also, I did a triple-sneeze and then became extremely congested out of nowhere so now Dr. Henry is telling me that it’s probably a combination of the altitude and the weather. I’m sure he’ll extrapolate more on the next episode of HENRY MANSPLAINS IT ALL on whatever AM station jerk men listen to.

Me walking away when Henry’s talking:

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt5qS1uF-gn/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1r2vlnsxk3cpa

4:03pm: We are currently in the Liberty Tunnel and I am so desperate to be home right now. How did it take this long to get here?! WHY DID WE STOP FOR BREAKFAST?? WHY DOES HENRY DRIVE LIKE AN ELDER?

Ok, I know the answer to that. But still. Winter road trips are so tedious and uneventful. And it’s also snowing. Well I’m signing off here. I’m preparing to drop-roll out of the car before Henry even has a chance to put it in park. It’s been real, NEWARK.