tweets, looking to rip open skin

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 17:05 If someone said you looked like a 60-year old sociopath who hasn’t washed her hair in a year, would you think it was funny? #
• 21:58 Hay look @ the dumb! my bloody-nosed life:  I’ve been out and about the past few da.. bit.ly/4wYQKQ #
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• 18:27 I’m so very twitter apathetic today. Good news for you, though! #
• 18:59 Chooch just informed me that he threw a potato at Henry because he’s a bitch. It’s good to finally have an ally. #
• 22:06 Hay look @ the dumb! October Chooch: I wish Chooch wore a different flannel every day. I l.. bit.ly/L9e06 #
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• 14:01 What the fuck kind of name is Caillou anyway. #
• 14:03 Chooch said he wants Jason Voorhees to get his knife and kill Michael Myers. My heart done broked. #
• 14:57 A trio of drunks just paved over the gorge that was evolving on my front porch, then they ashed in it. Love this rental property. #
• 20:39 I have a very odd child. Must take after Henry, for real. #
• 22:09 Hay look @ the dumb! Exclusive Blog Ho Pendant Sale: This is just for my blog-hoes, you kno.. bit.ly/miKhw #
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• 11:54 In an attempt to give Appledale some lovin’: bit.ly/3JzpE9 #
• 14:21 Me: “Why don’t you sit down?” Chooch: “I can’t. I’m wearing a shirt.” Duh. #
• 15:57 I’m certain my neighbors wear boots made of cinder block, Andre the Giant’s DNA, and complete inconsideration for others. #
• 16:00 Chooch, seeing a hair loss ad: “Daddy needs that.” Me: “He’s not losing his hair.” Chooch: “Let’s make him lose his hair.” I’m so on that. #
• 16:15 Tavares, Tavares, Tavares. #
• 18:58 Started to tell Henry that he’s useless to me; we both choked on laughter over the sheer absurdity of it. #
• 19:07 Every time Henry dresses Chooch, he winds up looking like he just staggered home after a three day bender on a couch in Brooklyn. So scene. #
• 19:59 Henry just texted that some lady told Chooch to have a good night, & Chooch said, “I d on’t want to have a good night.” Attitude! #
• 21:28 Watching the Penguins on the power play is seriously making me drowsy. #
• 22:07 Hay look @ the dumb! “Little Black Backpack” sentiment strum: 1999: First Octo.. bit.ly/2ZPyUS #
• 23:47 Johnny Bananas continues to grow as a cocksucker from Challenge to Challenge. He’s up to King Kong dongs now. #never2old4MTVreality #
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• 00:09 DO NOT GET ME STARTED ON BREAST IMPLANTS. Or else you’ll have to ignore me. Like @awoodhick does. #
• 10:54 Just scrolled quickly past 5 separate Facebook status updates in a row boasting Bible passages. Nothing like being molested by scripture. #
• 11:16 @polarbearclub That seriously made me love you even more. #
• 11:17 #mileystaydeleted. #
• 11:18 just voted “No. twitter is better off without her” on “Do you want #mileycomeback ?” vote too ➔ bit.ly/qoagr #
• 13:12 I don’t know why people always think I have an attitude. I’m like, so nice. #sarcasmornot #
• 12:59 Chooch is trying to insinuate that the red hair bitch on Fresh Beat Band is my gf. He’s singing “Mommy loves a GINGER” & I might punch him. #
• 13:55 It’s always nice to know I got fans on Death Row. #
• 17:37 I was just called a fucker dumbass. I’m humbled. #
• 22:04 Hay look @ the dumb! Hockey : This is a reminder why I love hockey, posted mainly for my ow.. bit.ly/13Qbz9 #
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• 00:31 Don’t front like you don’t want to be watching the new #Degrassi episode, Henry. I hear your appropriately timed chuckles. #
• 00:36 An awesome photographer on flickr whom I really look up to favorited one of my photos & said it’s “just perfect.” I blushed for really real. #
• 01:04 Degrassi makes meth look so appealing. I might need to walk three doors down to Robin’s lab. #
• 10:11 Well. At least my three-year-old son asks me how I’m doing. #
• 17:37 I was just called a fucker dumbass. I’m humbled. #
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• 12:46 CRUXSHADOWS up in here. #
• 13:09 twitpic.com/kzi5k – Chooch & his fucking computer games. #
• 14:22 Just found out I’m going to a hockey game on December 5th, and that’s quite alright by me. #
• 19:37 I’ve successfully convinced Chooch that Sergei Gonchar is his dad. He just saw a fight & yelled “Did that guy hit my Daddy?!” #fantasyhockey #
• 19:44 Guys, we know you’re all jelis of Letang’s perfectly tousled locks but a high-sticking isn’t going to make him spill his beauty regimen. #
• 20:11 I think Henry just told me he loved me, in some roundabout way. #
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• 00:18 Remember when my cat Nicotina was staring at me and Henry’s not a napkin? #
• 00:46 I’ve always disliked all the parts with Debbie. #
• 12:24 Came downstairs to find Chooch watching Adventureland. On Pay Per View. “I saw it & I wanted to watch it,” he reasoned. I’m like, “Ur 3!” #
• 12:58 Going to take pictures of Henry’s family. This shouldn’t be awkward AT ALL. #
• 20:05 TRUFACT ALERT: @saucalisha’s favorite album in high school was RIVERDANCE. I have evidence before me, in her own handwriting. #
• 22:27 Dunno why ppl feel compelled to YouTube themselves walking thru Halloween stores, but Chooch watches them all in bed. Every night. #
• 22:34 twitpic.com/l7hpz – He just taught me how to navigate around YouTube on Henry’s phone. Scary. #
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• 01:52 rofl I just pistol-whipped a baby lol j/k n/m #
• 10:33 Hay look @ the dumb! Art Promo: Caesura: The sun was beating down on them that day like a .. bit.ly/G1yFI #
• 10:44 I’m a little sore today from when that albino pushed me down the cellar steps; & the trepanning that happened later was awkward at best. #
• 11:55 Chooch is getting his 1st taste of Killer Klowns From Outer Space but all he cares about is the ice cream truck so far. #
• 17:51 Proof I need a break: caught myself using the complete opposite word of what I wanted FOUR TIMES today, in blog posts, emails, & stories. #
• 18:15 Always choose a safeword for your partner that is upward of 15 syllables to get the most pleasure from their pain #ruleofrelationships #
• 19:39 I get such a kick out of it when @awoodhick forwards my angry texts back to me. Oh memories, you know? #
• 20:10 Holy shit, Billy fucking Guerin. #
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• 01:52 I fear getting offed by a basement-dwelling maniac while emptying the litter box. Hopefully I die doing something cool. Like macaroni art. #
• 11:23 New Freaky Feature is Coral from Tiny Tragedies/Tiny Tiara. She’s fantastic& now’s ur chance to find out 4 urself! bit.ly/32baCs #
• 11:55 Confirmed : The Troy and Kwame hey day is donezo. #
• 14:51 Finally found amazing local wedding photographers that meet my ridiculous standards. @awoodhick, you can propose now. #
• 15:23 WHAT, Henry used to play FOOTBALL!? Oh my sides hurt from laughing. I wonder if he knows Madden NFL doesn’t count. #
• 19:25 Oh my god I love my kid. The whole world is his stage, even when he’s tripping over it. I wish I was half as entertaining as him. #
• 21:17 How have Henry and I lasted eight years together with diametrically opposed pizza palates. #
• 22:21 Serves me right for glancing at Facebook before watching the Hell’s Kitchen finale. Owellz0rz, at least it was the person I wanted to win. #
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• 13:28 I just thanked my kid for letting me use the computer long enough to pay my phone bill. Something’s not right about that picture. #
• 14:25 SHIT. My fake weener fell off & I can’t find it. #
• 14:34 I lost the words to Patty Cake. They’re probably off somewhere with my fake weener, playing jacks. #
• 16:02 Henry and I just took a drink at the same time. Soul mates! #
• 16:52 I know, the concept of turning right on red can be a real brain buster. #
• 17:46 I’m eating pre-show pie from a cardboard box & Alisha has returned to her roots by giving her ketchup a hearty pepper-dandruffing. #
• 17:47 OK fine, upon eating a french fry dipped in Alisha’s ketchup concoction, I’m here to report that it’s ok. #
• 17:53 I love it when I’m out with Alisha and strangers constantly feel compelled to chat with me. It makes her so angry & that makes ME glad. #
• 18:39 Nearly moved to tears by Of Machines. Even though the singer is dressed as Wolverine. #
• 18:41 But the mom in me desperately wants him to stop swinging the mic. Oh honey, please be careful. #
• 19:05 Was quickly reminded of how dickish Jonny Craig is in person. Newsflash Jonny – you’re not that famous. #
• 20:47 I’m glad I paid to hear the people next to Alisha sing out of tune. #
• 21:32 Let me tell you about excruciation: sitting at a club while the Penguins are in a shootout & I can’t watch. #
• 21:39 Old school Dance Gavin Dance, shit yes. #
• 21:52 ALISHA ELBOWED MY BOOB & PENS WIN & DANCE GAVIN DANCE IS SO OMG-YAY. #

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