I am back where I belong. An asylum. Specifically, Transallegheny Insane Asylum haunted house. This line wasn’t that long, but I bought time by playing a game on my phone, sort of like Scattergories. Janna, obviously had to go to the bathroom and I tricked her into going into the port-o-potty that was a trick. It didn’t have a loud siren, though. Lats year, it was a prank and whenever you opened the door wide enough, a siren would sound and it would embarrass you. While waiting in line for the house, the people were looking for a group of 2 or 3, so we presented ourselves and we walked up to the entrance with a group of 4 other people. Immediately, when we were inside, we were going super slow, because the other people leading us were turtles through the whole thing. At some points, the dad, named Paul would stop to explain the certain rooms, because he worked there before, I guess. For example, in a closet room, we walked through clothes and Paul said, “This is where the old women were kept.”
When the guy at the beginning told us the rules, he clearly stated, “Do not stop, or run, because you might catch up to the group ahead of you,” then he said, “Do not stop because the group behind you can catch up to you.” Paul didn’t understand because he went slow the whole time instead of going a normal speed, you know walking pace.
My favorite part was when we were walking up a stairwell and his family started to yell at him about going too slow, but he said, “Gotta get your money’s worth.” He continued going super slow, despite what his family told him, he probably got spanked in the car by his wife.
We finally got to the rooms where the patients were kept. The first room we entered, the roommates were arguing about something, then started to pull each other’s hair and screamed at each other.
There was this one hall that had mannequins on each side, and I expected one of them to be a real person, and it was true. Then we had to hail to “him”, but we didn’t know who exactly we were hailing to, but I praised anyway. When we got to the demon’s lair, the walls were made of pallets. Mum was knocking hard on them and the people got mad and told us to, “Stop hitting the boards!” She was as disobedient as Paul, she kept tapping the boards. The demon was a dog thing and it almost ate us, but it was still cute.
The spider nest was back again this year, and Paul had to stop to basically look at every string woven by the spiders, that was how slow he was going. Janna got really scared at some parts, like the part where we were walking through fog, then all of a sudden men on stilts were looking over and following us. She also got very scared by nothing, she doesn’t get scared by anything. We don’t know why she goes because she doesn’t care about the spooks.
Finally, as expected at the end, there was a chainsaw guy. He didn’t chase us, but he got very close to our feet and bodies. When it was time to leave, we had to find where dad parked. We checked the spot he dropped us off in, but he was gone. We were freezing and I called him, but he didn’t tell us where he was. He kept saying he saw us, but he didn’t tell us his surroundings and where he was parked relative to where he dropped us off.
EDITORS NOTE: Erin here. Like, a day after this dumb haunted house that PAUL ruined, I realized that perhaps his older daughter wasn’t actually calling him “Paul,” but the more sensible Pa. I mean, we were in West Virginia and they were all speaking with mountain drawls, so….
Meanwhile, Janna had recently rescued a tiny kitten from a tunnel on her way to work, two days prior to our attending this haunt. She has been trying to come up with the perfect name for him and I served her one on a silver platter decorated with maraschino apples: PAWL.
GET IT? Because we hated “Paul” and cats have paws, so PAWL?!
Omg I was so excited about this last night and she laughed real hard but didn’t actually confirm that this is the new official name of Tunnel Cat.
Chooch wasn’t laughing at all so I yelled DON’T YOU GET IT? And he mumbled, “yeah, I got your dumb joke.”
He is so jealous of my effortless humor.