Jan 262020

Still trying to be a dutiful greeting card pimp, so today, let’s ohh and ahh over another set of Valentines! I’m still really proud of the Golden Girls Valentine collection, and I wanted to give them some love on this blog by….reposting what I wrote last year…and the year before…because let’s be real, I love these cards but not enough to write a brand new script for them!


I couldn’t sleep one night and I was thinking, “How can I further expand my card line/release some of this psychotic energy that’s keeping me awake?” And then I wondered if the Golden Girls would be a good fit with the serial killers and vintage porn stars of noncomposcards and you guys, I think it’s a good fit. I mean, someone bought two GG cards and a porn star set so…

Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!

I know I’m not alone in deriving great comfort from Golden Girls reruns. Like so many others, I grew up on this show in the 80s. Of course, back then, it was way too “adult” for me, and most of it went way over my head, but I still watched it because I loved Rose and her St. Olaf tales and Dorothy’s relationship with her mom and Blanche was always GOALS. I used to sleep over my grandparents house on Saturday nights and it honestly feels like yesterday when I would sit on the couch next to my Grandma, wearing some old oversized beer t-shirt as a nightgown, watching The Golden Girls and Empty Nest. (And Hunter but was that on Fridays? I only ever watched Hunter at my grandparents house.)

Very little in life has felt more comfortable and warm to me than those childhood Saturday nights on Gillcrest Drive.

I think like there are a lot of people who can relate to this!

Cheesecake & Chill?


Blanche Devereaux Girl’s Night 

Funny story – one time many moons ago I sent Henry to the video rental place down the street and made him ask the guy in the back for Revolutionary War porn, so he was already flustered about that, and then he turned around and accidentally knocked over an entire rack of pornos, cutting his knuckle in the process and to this day I still refer it as The Porn Wound. He gets so mad.

Now you know something about me! Well, about my boyfriend.

The backs are cute AF, IMO.

Literally, not once in this Valentine promotion series have I had presentable nails. I’M SORRY, YOU GUYS. I’m hideous.

But enough about my chipped polish, what I like about these cards is that there’s something in there for both platonic friends and people you’re legit hot for.

This Sophia one is my favorite though because I love vintage porn and Sicily 1969 porn is probably pretty hot. Especially if it’s Mt. Etna-themed.

I know, I know – “Bea Mine,” what a fucking cop-out. But I wanted to get these done for you in time! I’m already jotting down ideas for a second set for next year, so I will redeem myself for being so basic.

Most of these are adapted quotes from the show, and I thought the Sophia one up there was actually super romantic if you think of it in terms of “Hey, let’s grow old and toothless together.” You know? Maybe I do have a heart after all.

Similar to the serial killer, porn, The Cure, and kpop sets (god, what a collection), there are 16 different cards in this set, perfect for passing out like you’re still a kid in elementary school when the only care was, “YEAH BUT WHAT CANDY COMES WITH IT” – oh wait, that’s still a major concern! Fuck off with those fruit-flavored tootsie rolls!

And there you have it. $8 for the whole set! Pick up some serial killers, cult leaders, The Cure, or vintage porn stars while you’re at it! SOME PEOPLE BUY ONE OF EACH, CAN YOU IMAGINE.

Jan 062020

Sorry fiends, but it’s that time of the year when CEO Erin Rachelle comes out of hiding and begins acknowledging her greeting card business. I’ll try to not be too annoying about it, but I AM working on a new set of mini-cards for the 2020 season that I’m pretty stoked about so hopefully I’ll be ready to share those soon! But until then, let’s revisit my best sellers, the mini-sets of serial killer love cards!

Stop looking at my tacky, chipped nail polish for a second and peep these mini serial killer Valentines instead! In the past, I was selling these as six-card perforated sheets, but let’s be real – you guys want more. I get it! So we made them just a TAD smaller and now you can get SIXTEEN of these babies (SIXTEEN!!) in a set for only $8!

I love these cards so much because they bring back fond memories of Valentine parties in elementary school, when we all got to fuck a shoebox with a glue stick and crepe paper and then we all got to run away, stuffing Scooby Doo sentiments into everyone’s “mailbox” even if we didn’t like the person because THE TEACHER SAID. My favorite part was the candy and cupcakes though. I was a fat kid.

And then in fifth grade, I was the fat kid with a perm.



But I somehow still got Valentines so I didn’t hate the damn day.

Even now, as a grown as adult, I like passing out Valentines at work. I passed the serial killer ones out one year to mixed reviews. My one co-worker received an Albert Fish one and sent me an email that said, “OMG I just Wiki’d that guy. He was so terrible! Why would you give me that card?!”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Surprisingly, no one reported me to HR.

Life is all about taking risks, you know?

Each set comes packaged in these adorable little bags. I’m obsessed with them. (Please note: bags vary year to year, depending on what’s available to us! I’m also on the prowl for a more eco-friendly option. Might not be as cute, but either is global warming. So…)

These are perfect for the true crime buffs in your life, and with all new TV shows and Netflix documentaries focused on murder, these are super timely and relevant. I’ve had customers purchase these sets to turn into garland for their mantle, and another customer bought both sets to hide around the house for her husband to randomly stumble across throughout the year. HOW ADORABLE IS THAT. Every day can be Valentine’s Day with these little cards!

This set features some old standbys as well as some brand new designs that I made specifically for this set:

  • Harry Powers
  • Ed Gein #1
  • Gary Ridgway
  • Richard Speck
  • Charles Manson
  • HH Holmes
  • Richard Ramirez
  • Ken & Barbie Killers
  • Lizzie Borden
  • Aileen Wuornos (new design!)
  • Ed Gein #2
  • David Berkowitz (new design!)
  • BTK (new design!)
  • Zodiac Killer (new design!)
  • Jeffrey Dahmer
  • Jerry Brudos (new design!)

I should have taken new pictures for this blog post because my current nail job is much neater.

Nope…I just looked at my nails. Not that great.

Aren’t I great at product photography!!?!?!?

I’m so into these little guys. Please purchase some! If you mention that you came from Oh Honestly, Erin, I’ll throw in a surprise freebie! (Not frisbee, which is what I originally typed. That would jack up the shipping fee considerably.)

There’s also a healthy selection of regular Valentine cards over at my Etsy too in case the minis aren’t your cup of (laced) tea. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. Cook on, mothercheffers!

Jun 162019

The annual arts festival is going on currently in Pittsburgh, but the real art is at my house.

I decided on Friday that maybe it would be a good idea for us to make something for Henry for Father’s Day even though Valentines Day and Mother’s Day have both passed by without so much as the latest Taemin album gifted to me. But, you know, IM NOT PETTY so Henry will still get something born from our sweet side.

I worked late shift from home on Friday, so that was the perfect opportunity to churn out one of my signature backhanded, inside joke-laden gifts for Henry. This year’s theme was CIRCULARS because I’m always throwing them away before Henry has a chance to look at them because in my eyes, they’re junk mail. So then he starts stomping around in a fit when he’s about to leave for Kuhn’s and needs to know what’s on sale but if he’s already going there anyway who cares?!

Of course, that means I had to dig through the garbage for one to use for THE ART.


I managed to churn out the actual picture in no time but then my project stalled when I realized we didn’t have any rogue picture frames for me to Mod Podge with the circulars so I called Henry at work and told him he had to stop somewhere and get me one and he was like “OK but why do you need it right now? I’ll be near a Pat Catan’s tomorrow—” and I was like, “BECAUSE I FUCKING NEED IT NOW, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHY” and apparently this is how he knew we were up to something, especially when he came home from work and Chooch and I ran separate directions with our projects under our shirts.

We’re good at secrets.

Anyway, here’s my finished masterpiece! I surrounded Henry’s mug with things I associate with him, such as Faygo (who doesn’t?!), Ted Nugent, benches at amusement parks, THE SERVICE, getting us lost for HOURS in Gangnam, and of course, the favorite: Chooch’s and my imagined relationship he has with a stripper at Blush named Cheetah Girl.

HENRY HATES THIS SO MUCH. Chooch and I will collapse into flesh-clumps on the floor, laughing and in tears over some dumb insinuation we made about him and “Cheetah Girl” (Chooch named her, btw). It all started because one time Henry was allegedly at the laundromat and Chooch was like, “What if he’s actually at Blush” and a years-long inside joke was born, one that Henry despises but brings the rest of us so much joy!

Friday afternoon, I had to force Chooch to come home from the Teen Center so he could draw a picture of Henry for his piece of artwork, and it actually went way more swimmingly that I imagined — usually any creative project makes us scream our faces off at each other, but this time, he slipped away into his bedroom and

IT IS SO GOOD. His image of Henry just kills me. Anyway, Henry always does this thing where we’re talking to him, about him, and he’ll go, “WHO?” and we’re like, “YOU, you dumb lump! We are literally talking to you about you!” OMG, you have to be there (Janna witnessed it last night!) but this is a Thing that he Does and it is so Frustrating.


Lol, 69. #MatureArt

Chooch thinks he’s such a bad artist and I want to flick his forehead every time he says that because his style reminds me a lot of the illustrations I see in places like the City Paper and other publications. He doesn’t give himself enough credit!

We couldn’t wait so we ended up giving Henry his presents last night after we came home from our Day Trip with Janna (we survived a day away without Henry!). He was a mixed bag of emotions. I could tell he liked them, but then to Chooch he asked, “What is that sticking out of my ear?” and Chooch went, “Oh yeah, a q-tip” and I almost peed my pants because that is SO ACCURATE. Even Henry was trying not to laugh at that one, but he did point out that he’s not “that hairy.” Wow, why to criticize your son’s art work, Jerk Dad.

Anyway, after “admiring” the pieces for another minute or so, he said, “You guys are assholes.”


We’re thinking about adding big, bulky chains to them so he can wear them around his neck like medallions.

Happy Father’s Day to the guy who doesn’t drink coffee, wear ties, or play golf so all those basic dad gift ideas don’t work for us.

Nov 212018

Finally, after months of being put on the back burner because of supply issues, KPOPendants have finally debuted! I’m smitten with them. I wanted them to have a Victorian-esque cameo feel to them.

Here are the first four in the shop, but in the coming days, I’ll be adding Taemin, Jackson, Kai, Jin, and Jungkook, plus more!

First up, for your consideration, is the perfectly elven face of Kim Taehyung from BTS.

This is my friend Janna’s bias, only because I made her choose one.

Next up is Park Jimin, also from BTS (Armys, I hear you, and soon all 7 will be in pendant-form).

Please don’t mind the glare! These things are difficult to photograph.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t see enough Cha Eun-woo things out there. They don’t call him a face genius for no reason!

And the one that started it all, our king, Kwon Jiyong aka the legendary G-Dragon. This was my first pendant design and it was honestly because I wanted one to wear for myself, lol.

And it’s no surprise that he was the first one to sell!

All pendants set in a resin frame, capped off with a glass cabochon, and come ready-to-wear with a silver-plated 18 inch chain. Pendant itself measures 2.75in. x 1.5in.

These cuties can be found in the pendant section of Hello Hanguk and while you’re there, maybe grab a greeting card to go with it?! God, I’m such a great peddler.

Sep 142018

I’m so excited about this, you guys! I’m in the process of expanding my Hello Hanguk line to include idol pendants!

I was looking online for kpop pendants and when I couldn’t find anything that appealed to me, I took matters in my own hands and made this G-Dragon beauty.  I am so smitten with it that I decided to create a whole idol profile series!

These photos don’t do it justice because I used my phone but I wanted to do a little sneak peek because you know me and how I just can’t ever wait.

Honestly, I consider it to be an amulet.

Even my co-workers were like, “OK fine, that’s actually pretty nice” and I know it was hard for them because they generally hate encouraging my kpop fanaticism.

I have a whole list of idols to immortalize in ornate pendant frames but if you have a specific bias that you want to see, please let me know!

In other Hello Hanguk news, I made a Sunmi birthday card this week and didn’t think it would do well but I had two orders so far!

Here’s a birthday card for your favorite little gashina (did you know that this is also means bitch in Korean? Be careful who you say this to, I guess!). The inside has a colorful bouquet to remind your friend to live their life like a flower.

Comes with an envelope.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and practice that gun dance again. I just can’t bend back that far.

(I have a bad back, OK?!)

And I had to feed the desire to make another BIGBANG card. They’re the kings, after all!

Yeah, this card had to be made. BIGBANG is my favorite Kpop group of all time and I could certainly fill this whole shop with just BIGBANG cards but, you know, variety is good too. Ugh. Anyway, this card could be used for Valentines Day, an anniversary, birthday, Flag Day—who wouldn’t be stoked to get a card on freakin’ Flag Day!?

It comes with an envelope. Stick a room key in it if you’re feeling especially ballsy & proposition-y.

And that’s my super-quick kpop shop update! I also have another Valentine set coming up soon, so check back for that if you’re into super kpoppy mini-Valentines to pass out at school, work, prison, wherever!


Dec 072017

Recently, I have been going through a creative drought. Maybe not even so much a drought, but I just haven’t felt like creating anything. I am so distracted by other hobbies and interests now that I was starting to wonder if maybe my ship has sailed, maybe the “making things” part of my life is over? But then a few months ago, on a whim,  I added several Kpop cards to my non compos cards shop on Etsy, which is a stark contrast to my line of seasonal serial killer greets, but you know me: LIKE A FUCKING ONION.

(Layers, etc.)

I thought maybe they were just one-offs, but then last week, I felt inspired again and I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me sooner to meld Kpop and my card-making together, because I haven’t felt this excited to make shit in a long time! And the best part is that some of them are so cringey that it makes Chooch want to puke, and that’s my litmus test right there. I love Kpop A LOT, so this is the softer side of the serial killer greeting card e-boutique. Where else can you buy a Valentine with the sinister Ramirez sneer and a birthday card spilling over with the angelic glisten of G-Dragon’s perfect freakin’ face?

Just a disclaimer: Our cards are made with love and care. Each one is made to order: printed on high-quality paper and then adhered to sturdy card-stock (color varies per card) – this isn’t some quick print-and-fold job! That’s why our prices are a bit higher than other greeting cards you may see around Etsy. Henry takes his job as card assembly line VERY SERIOUSLY and has it down to such a science that anytime I try to help, I fuck up the whole process. So if we ever divorce (LOL just kidding I mean BREAK UP), I’ll either have to close the shop or start hand-drawing my cards on construction paper because our printer beats me every time.

Anyway, here are all of the ones I have made so far, please feel free to purchase many and often!


Guys, we got RM, Jungkook, Jimin, Jin, J-Hope, V, and Suga floating about on this card like the freaking bangtan angels they are, This could be the one Christmas card you send that doesn’t get thrown away after the holidays. Any Kpop fan in your life is guaranteed to be filled with mirth and cheer with this angelic BTS Christmas card, even if they don’t stan them.

BTS is taking over the world, help them take over the fireplace mantel Christmas card collections, too! The inside is blank, lots of room to practice your Hangeul!

Comes with an envelope. I’m always afraid that there will be that one time Henry forgets to include an envelope and then all my envelope jokes will come back to bite me.

GOT7 Christmas Card!

Can you imagine Santa rolling up to your house in a sleigh full of Kpop idols? THAT IS THE ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS WISH. Well, for some people, anyway. And if you know someone who might have that wish, or at the very least loves Got7, then you should send them this card. The inside says, very succinctly, “Merry Christmas.”

Comes with an envelope because the last time I tried to mail a card in an empty sardine can, it was sent back to me. :(

G-Dragon Santa!!

Ugh, can you imagine sitting on G-Dragon’s lap….I mean HI GUYS here I am peddling another Christmas card! If you have a friend who likes Kpop, then this is the perfect card for them. I mean, G-Dragon dressed as Santa…that’s some merry fantasy.

Front of the card says “ho ho ho” in Hangeul. Inside says “Hope you have a zutter Christmas.” Zutter means “dope” in Korean, but it’s actually pronounced more like jjuttah. It’s also the name of a song that G-Dragon did with T.O.P.! (BTS also has a song called “Dope,” but in the song, they say zutter.) See how educational these cards are?

Comes with an envelope. G-Dragon is unfortunately not included. :(

SHINee Christmas (cringe) card!

This card has just the right amount of Christmas cringe! It’s sure to be appreciated by any Kpop lover you have in your life, especially if they like SHINee (and how can you like Kpop without liking SHINee?!). The inside is a dorky play on one of their more popular songs “Ring Ding Dong” and my 11-year-old son was so repulsed when he read it and called me an embarrassment, and THAT is how I know this card is a winner!

This card comes with an envelope, and not just because I’m all in the holiday spirit or whatever, but because all of my cards come with envelopes.

Speaking of cringe-tastic SHINee cards, here’s a Valentine featuring just Taemin which also made Chooch throw up in his mouth:

Taemin Valentine!

When I made this card, I woke up my 11-year-old son to show him, and his spirited review was, “I hate you.” That’s how I know this card is great! The cringier the better, am I right, you guys?

If you’re into Kpop, or know anyone who is, this card is guarenteed to get a great reaction because hello, what set of working eyeballs in this world don’t enjoy feasting upon the flesh-masterpiece that is LEE TAEMIN?

There’s plenty of space inside to scribble some fingerhearts or write secret love messages in Hangeul. Plus, it comes with an envelope because we don’t skimp here at noncomposcards.


I know I already posted this one on here but I wanted to look at his pretty face again, so shut up.


Speaking of Valentines!

Apink Mr. Chu Valentine/Love/Anniversary card!

I told Henry I want a Mr. Chu for Valentine’s Day and he didn’t answer me because he was napping as usual. So I will not be giving him this card. But perhaps you have someone in mind who naps less and pays more attention than my ever-exhausted elderfriend! Then this card would work for you. Anyway, this is a nice Apink Valentine for someone you know who likes kpop.

It comes with an envelope that you can slip a house key in or whatever. I don’t know what you kids do these days.

The inside says “I’m falling, falling for your love.” Obviously. (Side note: “Mr. Chu” was one of the first KpopX routines I ever did two years ago so it will always feel special to me!)

BTS “Save Me” Valentine/Love/Anniversary Card

Valentine’s Day, Anniversary, Just Because…show your favorite Kpop-lovin’ person you love them with this adorable BTS-as-cherubs cards. The inside has lyrics from “Save Me” but can also be blank or customized – just let me know in “note to seller.” The inside says “I need your love before I fall, fall.” Ugh, just go listen to the song!

Comes with an envelope in case you don’t feel like hand-delivering this fine piece of Korean art.

A funny/cute/adorable thing to note about this card is that Henry was helping me cut out all of the faces, and he had each one saved individually as their name, so like Jin.psd, JHope.psd, etc. Henry knows all of their names and I think this is just the sweetest thing in the whole world HENRY LIKES KPOP PASS IT ON.

Birthdays exist too! Here are some cards for that:

BIGBANG birthday card!

This was the first kpop card I made over the summer! Let the boys of BIGBANG do all the heavy-lifting birthday-wishing for you with the most beautiful, Heaven-sent card for any Kpop fan!

As always, this card comes with an envelope that could probably be used as a face mask afterward, with way less benefits of a legit Korean brand, though.

BTS “Jams” Birthday Card

The perfect card for kpop lovers! Let your best BTS friend know that you’re wishing them lots of fun, er, jams, on their special day. No explanation needed for BTS fans, but this is kind of tricky to explain for anyone else because it’s a play on a Korean word and there was a whole meme made out of it which was super popular in the kpopsphere. My friend Lizz who has liked kpop way longer than me approved of this card when she saw it, and that’s good enough for me!

This card comes with an envelope. Add a packet of Smuckers at your own risk.

Red Velvet Birthday Card!

I went through a phase where I would snub my nose at any cake that wasn’t red velvet. I try not to be that way with kpop groups, but Red Velvet is seriously one of the best girl groups out there IN MY OPINION. And maybe you know someone who agrees with me and would be downright tickled to receive a birthday greeting with Red Velvet splayed across the front!

The inside of the card features lyrics from their song “Ice Cream Cake” (“May your day be vanilla chocolate honey with a cherry on top”) and if that doesn’t scream HAPPY BIRTHDAY then maybe you’re normal and I should go see a doctor because my greeting cards are talking to me.

An envelope is included. Maybe you could slip in a piece of ice cream cake, just kidding, don’t do that. The mailman will eat it.

OK that’s all I have so far! But I have a ton more that I’m working out in my head (including a sheet of mini-Valentines like I have for the serial killers and vintage porn star collection), and I’m probably going to open a separate Etsy for the Kpop line at some point. And don’t worry, EXOLS, I have some EXO cards I’m working on, too.

It feels nice to be inspired again, so as usual, thank you Kpop!


Sep 302016

I haven’t been painting much these last months because of lack of time and inspiration. But I did make some things for some friends and some random things that I don’t know what to do with. 

Like these guys. I have a story in mind for it but I can’t convince myself to just sit down and write the fucker. 

Bought this ugly portrait of some tow-headed dinglehoffer at Goodwill, and I needed something to  keep me from stress-eating over the weekend so I painted the background green (I mean, you have eyes, probably, and can see that) and killed him. I still have to write the recipe for murder in that book of his and add something to the right corner up there. A hanging plant with the boy’s hairy scalp sitting on it like a cap? Maybe. 

Abe still lives on my mantle, behind Chooch’s bloody baby teeth in a salt shaker, if anyone is interested. 

My friend Angie got married so here’s this. 

Barb loves to quote from Steel Magnolias so I made her this Dolly Parton painting as a pick-me-up, because it’s been a rough year and it’s nice to make your friends feel good! EVEN I KNOW THAT. 

Definitely not feeling very Ham Sandwich AF these days. Maybe I should I switch my Etsy name from Somnambulant Art to Ambivalent Art. 


In other news, no more shuttle needed to get me to the trolley! The track by my house is back up and running so now I’m starting to see all my old “friends” again, like for instance I’m standing here with Snots right now. Man, fuck that guy. Santa, bring him a fucking handkerchief this year. 

Jun 272016

The Phil Collins vibes are strong AF at Gillcrest. Every time I turn on the kitchen stereo, there he is. And twice on Sunday!

It’s all at once comforting and haunting. Absolutely impossible for me to hear any Genesis or Phil jam and not think of my childhood in that house.

I guess that’s why when I couldn’t fall asleep Friday night, I found myself painting a picture of Phil.

When Chooch saw it the next day, he happily said, “Oh, Phil Collins!

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I was just thinking about him, too…” Can’t imagine why.

Speaking of my fake stustudio, I finally got this bad boy up on the wall. It was originally hanging in my grandma’s clown room and she always said I could have it. And now I have it, so…


This post is brought to you by late night iced coffee, kettlebell fatigue, and MTV’s Are You the One*.

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Coming up later this week: an emotionally disjointed recap of last week’s Cure show, maybe another music video no one will watch, an essay on my political stance (lol no), HOPEFULLY HENRY’S WARPED TOUR VIDEO, and probably some furry love because Anthrocon is this week and I have a date with a walrus!

*(I tried so hard to resist, but it finally sucked me in. I’M WEAK, OK??!!)

(Also, I wonder if Henry and I would be a match if we were on Are You The One. Omg lol that’s a hilarious thought.

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I just woke him up to tell him that and his response was muffled on account of his dumb face being buried in his pillow.)

Jun 162016

I haven’t been painting or anything at all lately because there has been so much going on in life and if only there was one extra hour in a day, you know. But after an emotional Friday night, I woke up the next day ready to paint my way through it.

I’ve been wanting to paint a portrait of my Pappap for some time now, and I found a really great picture of him from the late 70s / early 80s that I knew right away was the one I needed to recreate.

Chooch, my most honest and unapologetic critic, said with legit sincerity that this is my “best one yet.” Which I of course twisted around and cried, “OMG so you think all of my other ones suck then?!” And he just sighed and walked away.

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Because life with a bipolar Leo, amirite?

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(It honestly barely looks like him, but it’s still going on my wall.)

And then I took advantage of the fire under my ass and finally finished the third installment of the nursery paintings that Wendy requested. Slumps are no fun.


Apr 192016

This painting has been waiting to be sold since 2009, but finally, he is en route to his new home on some wall in Spokane, and the person who purchased it called me a precious artist so now I love her.

Forever grateful that there are people out there who like my art. And if you’re one of them, go buy something* because I need money for vacation haha!

*Just no custom paintings right now, sadly. I’m taking a short hiatus because I haven’t had enough time lately and it’s slowly killing me. I need to paint something!

Anyway, Godspeed little painting! Enjoy your new home!


The bus was late that day. Something about major roadways being cordoned off due to a parade for amputees. There would later be a riot, instigated by the albinos who were tired of being the least celebrated minority in the city of Fuglyfoot. But that’s a story that cannot be easily told without the use of obscenities and slurs that would make Satan himself shrink back into the shadows.

But the issue of the bus tardiness, this was no good for Maureen Hucklecrack, who had to be at court in fifteen minutes, else her philandering ex-husband would turn over evidence that would prove she moonlighted as a sort of Heidi Fleiss with midget clientele. And who knows what Maureen would have to resort to without that coitus-derived income. Probably would have to sell her Dolly Parton TV tray collection and stop getting Botex in the back of the corner fish market.

On the next wire, George Stockingcock’s anxiety level rose as he glanced at his watch and realized that he was already twenty-two minutes late for his prostrate exam. This made him feel a nervous diarrhea-burn in his lower stomach for a split second, until he created a Plan B, in which the mulatto phlebotomist he was seeing on the sly could maybe pull on her latex dominatrix gloves (to camouflage her liver spots) and conduct her own posterior prod-fest.

Clutching rigidly on an upper wire, Amy Slityourthroat was livid. The night before, she had caught her boyfriend of THREE MONTHS listening to the Used with some other girl. Some other girl who didn’t even paint her nails black and had the audacity to wear clothes from Hollister. Hollister, for Christ’s sake! She should go date a surfer and stay the hell away from my stuffed-in-dirty-skinny-jeans boyfriend, Amy thought erratically. And now the bus she takes every Wednesday to her anger management class was LATE. But she was too busy drawing a blueprint for murder to notice.

And then there was Lester Copafeel. Lester had been perched on the same wire for fifteen months, ever since his mother abandoned him for being mute. No one was sure if he was waiting for a bus, or for anything at all, really.

Mar 022016

I’ve been stalling on this post because for once, words escape me.  

My friend Octavia is a creative genius. She works in various mediums and so much of her oeurve makes me think of Barb’s “functional fixedness” disorder, in which she cannot fathom that an object meant for one certain use can be used for something else.

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I’d like to put her in a room with Octavia and watch her mind short-circuit, because Octavia excels at turning found objects into substantive works of art.

Octavia has a very thorough blog post explaining the thought process behind this project. Thank god she wrote that because I can barely muster more than *HEART EYES* and #blessed every time I sit down here to try and gather my thoughts. She really hit this one out of the park, for a sentimental sap like me. Because not only is this something I can fill with my own mementos, but she’s already included a veritable treasure trove of artifacts from one ISABEL STRICKLAND, some broad from Texas who has got to be dead by now.

A dresser of hers was acquired through an auction for Octavia, and the drawers were still full of Isabel’s stuff! What a jackpot!

A nod to my Vintage Snack Attack party!

I can’t wait to stuff this with photos and random road trip keepsakes like tourist trap ticket stubs and those dumb/awesome souvenir pennies. The idea of intermingling my own personal items into someone else’s narrative is really exciting to me, and also daunting. I know I’m going to over-think things, like “Is this the right placement?” or “Does this need more blood spatter?”

Speaking of blood spatter…Octavia thought of everything! This brought back fond memories of the fake journal I made for my serial killer-themed Halloween desk at work in 2011. (See also: when my co-workers learned a lot about me.)

Everything is assembled so purposefully for just the right subtle touch of creepiness. Imagining the work and mental brawn that went into the construction of this faux-heirloom makes me exhausted!

In the early years of my relationship with Henry, I went to some crafting event this broad Moira’s house in Greensburg. She was also very crafty, but not nearly as good as Octavia.

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Anyway, one of the options for her craft night was to bring an old book to turn into a journal. Christmas was coming and I thought it would be a good opportunity to make something adorable and touching for Henry. So I grabbed an old book about Rasputin (because ROMANCE) and then sat around with a bunch of bitches who brought their patience and licenses to operate glue guns, none of which I had with me. Anyway, this journaling sesh had none of the intricacy as Octavia’s — we didn’t gut our books, but added shit to the pages already there, glued stacks of pages together in order to carve out little recessions in which to hide things, etc etc.

This whole process had a name. I want to say it was called book breaking or something? I don’t know, but it was a real thing where you took old books and repurposed them into some other kind of book and who the fuck knows. All I know is that I worked super hard on it and it added a metric ton (that’s a lot, right?) of stress into my life, only for Henry and I to have a huge fight which culminated in me tearing the book up in front of him before he even got to see it. I had all kinds of bullshit in there too, even A POEM.

A poem that I WROTE!

I mean, it was a stupid, tongue-in-cheek poem, but still. My temper knows no bounds.

All of this is to say that I have a very tiny inkling of the effort that had to have gone into this beautiful journal and I’m just speechless. Even Henry sat there and slowly thumbed his way through every page, pausing to read the CPS reports and making various grunts of approval for Octavia’s hard work. You guys, the clasp Octavia put on it is made from the strap of her FIRST ACCORDION.

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I’m not worthy.

Feb 252016

Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is one of my favorite movies of all time, and one of probably only three that I ever quote from. (The amount of times I’ve referenced the Alamo on this blog alone is really pathetic.) I had so much fun painting this and kind of don’t want to part with it. 

One of my most vivid childhood memories is sitting in the family room of my house in South Park, watching this on HBO with my bff Christy who lived down the street, and asking her what “scenery” meant because Mickey tells Pee Wee to just enjoy the scenery. She explained it perfectly well but my kindergarten brain couldn’t comprehend it. It seemed like such a complicated concept.


I was a dumb kid. 

Anyway, I just really love painting birds on wires, so this just felt very natural to me. Methodical and cathartic, especially while the Penguins were getting slaughtered last night by the Bruins. :(

I have some more custom paintings on tap (I keep saying I’m going to take a break and then a request comes in and I can’t say no!) but then I’m going to start one called The Pittsburgh Zoo, a painting of various famous Pittsburghers with animal bodies (like the Buscemi and John Water ones).  

Probably Mr. Rogers, Mario Lemieux, Sophie Maslof, Andy Warhol, and God only knows who else. 


In other news, I’m drinking blueberry cobbler coffee and it feels like warm arms enveloping my broken soul. 

This has been a quick update posted from my phone. 

Feb 232016

Hey boy, here’s a quick update on the fake art that I sling over at Somnambulant.

My friend Bridget requested a portrait of her and her boyfriend, and she specifically asked for glitter and I was more than happy to comply. I would use glitter on EVERYTHING if I could. I still want to glitter our ceilings but that might be the straw that finally breaks Henry’s back of steel.

And here’s the painting I did for the Warhol customer, and I realized that I never got a picture of the final, touched-up painting. This was one of the progress shots I sent her, so it looks slopp(ier than my paintings usually do):

Her boyfriend is from England, so she wanted me to paint them as tea bags (specifically the pyramid-shaped ones). Years and years ago, she had me do a sushi couples painting — I like when people throw out-of-the-box ideas at me!

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(I mean, once I’m done having my I CAN’T DO ITTTTTT pity party.)

I can’t remember if I posted this here yet, but after David Bowie died, my friend Kendahl requested a Goblin King portrait. I was so excited about it that I considered calling off work to start it immediately. (DON’T WORRY, I DIDN’T. I’m still The Best Employee Ever.

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And then my friend Lizz had a baby so I made her this name plaque for him:

All the eyeballs came out of an old copy of Alternative Press. There’s some Vic Fuentes up in there and…I think Jack Barakat and Alex Gaskarth. Possibly some of the guys from Real Friends.
And my current favorite!   So last week, I was getting ready for bed when the image of Steve Buscemi as an octopus popped into my head. I figured, who cares if it’s too niche or obscure to sell, I HAVE TO PAINT IT.

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I started it that night, when I should have been sleeping, and had it done by the next day. If only I could churn out my customs that quickly. Ugh.

Anyway, he’s available over on Etsy if you or anyone you know are really into that kind of thing.

And lastly, I’d like to say goodbye to Norm! He’s on his way to his new home in DC where I’m sure he will be happy. (His story can be read here if you’re interested in being lulled to sleep.)

Thank god for Valentine’s Day keeping me busy! Custom paintings and serial killer Valentines—thanks for keeping me in business, sickos! I mean that lovingly.


I have several paintings that I started but then I started thinking of our annual Easter bunny pictures so now everything else in my life is at a standstill, on the back-burner, in limbo, because now this is all I can think of and why am I at work right now when I should be running around getting costumes put together, ugh.

I think Henry is really going to hate this one.

Oct 302015

Chooch got his idiotic project done tonight, Henry and I finished his Halloween costume (the one he’s wearing in the school parade, nothis actual one; they have so many rules and restrictions that it’s almost stupid to bother at all), I watched the hockey game, started planning my next party because I had a split second of downtime in my brain and freaked out, and then I painted Vic Fuentes for myself because sometimes I HAVE TO PUT MYSELF FIRST.

LOL, just kidding. That’s pretty much all the time.



I’m off tomorrow (twice in two weeks, the nerve!) and I’m excited to walk to Cannon Coffee, watch the lame Halloween parade at Chooch’s school (and hopefully see Hot Gym Teacher!), get some more custom paintings started, and catch up on Scream Queens and American Horror Story, the latter of which has been pretty ho-hum for me (it takes a lot to shock me; I watch a lot of horror!) but in the last episode I watched tonight, The Cure’s “Siamese Dream” was playing in the background and that definitely got me to look up from phone (I’m still playing that dumb Simpsons Tapped Out game and it’s the Halloween event so I can’t quit now).

Um, I think that’s it. Aside from panicking because haunted house season is nearly over and I haven’t gone to all of the ones on my list, what a terrible life I live.  I always think that October is my favorite but then it’s here and I race through it so fast with heart palpitations and extraordinarily high expectations. Why do I do that to myself? I should buy a self help book. I think I need better structure in my life and this glass of wine is only half helping. Hopefully also tomorrow I’ll be focused enough to post some more about the Chronica wedding!

Oct 272015

There is just not enough time for me to get as much done as I would like, but I am slowly plowing through my list of custom paintings. SO WHY NOT START MORE PROJECTS. It’s not like we have Halloween costumes to make or anything.  

I have a bunch of shrink plastic left over from my last failed foray into jewelry-making, so why not waste more time! I’ve been wanting to turn some of my recent people-paintings into pendants and whatever, so I gave it a trial run last night. 


Sophia Petrillo ring and my majorly chipped nails. 

Sexy HEY-SOOS pendant.   

These are pretty rough prototypes just to see how they hold up. So far so good, so now I’ll make some fancier ones, maybe! Probably not! I don’t do “fancy” very well. 

In the next segment of this late night Tuesday blog post, let’s look at some recent paintings I made, because this is kind of a business and I should probably try to  promote it every once in awhile. Sorry to be so annoying & in yo’ face. 


Kellin Quinn from Sleeping With Sirens.   Frank-n-Furter for Chris, a super belated birthday gift because I’m a great friend. 


But at least my wedding gift for her and Monica was on time. 


And then this one was for my work friend Jill’s sister, who is a master biker. I like when I get to paint happy scenery. 

I just finished another custom order tonight but it’s for a birthday/Xmas gift so I can’t post it yet. And today someone bought my Lizzie Borden and Log Lady paintings! I can go to more haunted houses now!

I have another day off on Friday and I really need to make new serial killer holiday cards so FINGERS CROSSED that I can get motivated. I could never be a fake artist full time. I know you’ve been wishing on falling stars for a Ted Bundy Hanukkah card. 

As always, if you’re looking for an original gift or something to cover a hole in the wall, please visit my Etsy shop: somnambulant