Mar 6

tweeting for charity, except not

Category: tweets

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 19:17 An infomercial for Time Life Pop Memories of the 1960s is on & suddenly I’m sitting on a stool in my grandparents’ kitchen. HEARTACHE. #
  • 19:20 This whole week has been a melon baller to the heart. #
  • 21:46 I DVRd the Time Life pop memories infomercial so that I could re-enjoy it later with Henry, which is what is happening right now. #
  • 21:51 Henry loves when I drink wine and tell him stories about my childhood while laughing and spitting all over him. I wish he was Henry Mancini. #
  • 21:56 Henry’s working on making me a swing made of flowers to sit on in the house, he just doesn’t know it yet. OH I YEAR N FOR THE 60s. #
  • 22:22 My cat Don just told me, “Grandma, sometimes I feel so bad for you, I sit here while you’re sleeping & cry” & I said, “Aw thanks, kid.” #
  • 00:23 Congrats to Finland’s hockey team, grabbing Olympic bronze. I like saying Teemu’s Selanne’s name as if I’m wearing a headgear, spit flying. #
  • 02:32 If I ever feel fooled into wanting another child, I hope I come back and read this tweet. #
  • 09:53 I don’t like many female singers, but Adele makes me cry. #
  • 14:08 I am a goddamn mess. I actually just laughed at myself, which I suppose is better than slitting my throat with a frying pan. #
  • 14:34 I’m really sick of seeing skis. Men’s hockey gold medal game, any day now. #Olympics #
  • 14:48 I asked Chooch if he wants to have an Easter egg hunt. His response was, “Easter hates you.” He’s so mean, where does he get it??! #
  • 15:21 WHAT’S UP GOLD MEDAL HOCKEY???? #olympics #
  • 16:30 I think I dislocated my elbow. Just another hockey-viewing injury. #teamusa finally on the board! My loyalties are so confused right now! #
  • 16:48 I hope this #Olympic gold medal game helps turn my football-fed country on to hockey. #
  • 17:35 THIS is how a gold medal game should be. Parise’s goal with 24 seconds left actually brought tears to my eyes. So exciting! I love hockey. #
  • 17:55 That’s the only way Canada should have won – Crosby scoring the gold medal winning goal! #teamcanada #
  • 17:57 I feel so conflicted!! I’m so happy for Crosby, but fucking USA had all the heart. #
  • 18:10 #teamusa is making me cry. I want to give them all a hug and remind them how fantastic they are. I’m looking at you, too, Ryan Miller. #
  • 18:13 All the Sidney Crosby haters are puking now, probably not as much as Alex Ovechkin though. #
  • 18:16 Sidney Crosby got a Stanley Cup and an Olympic gold medal in the span of a year. What did Ovechkin get? Uglier. #
  • 18:19 A sentiment worth echoing // RT @penschat Don’t care how this game ended, Ryan Miller is a national hero. #TeamUSA #
  • 21:12 “Lets Have a Party”? Srsly, Olympic closing ceremonies? Sounds like it belongs on one of those Olson twins straight-to-VHS movies of the 90s #
  • 21:13 Though I suppose it was mildly more palatable than hearing “whoa-oa Vancouver” chanted semi-monotonously for 15 minutes. #Olympics #
  • 22:21 If the cast of Degrassi doesn’t make an appearance in these closing ceremonies, I’m gon’ be pissed. #
  • 22:26 The always enjoyable giant inflatable beaver. #
  • 22:42 Remember those #Olympics? I miss them. Even curling. (Maybe.) #
  • 23:15 Get on that, Hank!RT @lifeinflux I want you & Henry to get married so you can be on The Marriage Ref! You’d set national tv ratings on fire! #
  • 10:47 I get to try this employment thing again tomorrow apparently. #
  • 14:36 March! It’s you, you’re here! Let’s resume our annual love affair. #
  • 14:42 Wearing my Sidney Crosby Defender cape today. It’s purple and fringed with stripper tassels. Don’t cross us. #pens #teamcanada #teamusa #
  • 18:16 There’s nothing quite like eating a vegetarian sloppy joe with paint all over my hands. #
  • 19:02 RT @TSNBobMcKenzie Two thirds of all Canadians, around 22 million, were watching on TV when Sidney Crosby scored GWG in OT. Two thirds!! #
  • 21:27 Chooch was good at Target so his reward is Zombieland. Naturally. #
  • 23:35 Trying to condense a 6 year history between 2 girls into 1 email is easier than you’d think! I’m lying! WHAT’S UP PITTSBURGH?! #
  • 00:29 If someone looked in my window & saw me crying, they’d think I was watching Steel Magnolias, not some Team USA spot on the NHL Network. #
  • 11:16 If ever I’m looking for a 100% guarantee of frustration, I only need to ask Henry for directions. #
  • 11:17 No one can make scenes of the Apocalypse manifest before my eyes better than Henry. A 60-sec phone call & I’m looking for things to break. #
  • 11:39 I doubt the plumbing in my house is strong enough for all the psychic sewage I need to dump. I know: I’ll just take it to @saucalisha’s. #
  • 12:06 I think if I were ever to have my stress taken away, I’d go into apoplectic shock. #
  • 13:31 I hated the early, Anna-centric episodes of The OC. Someone put that in my obit. #
  • 15:04 If I could cut myself in half to please everyone, well….I still wouldn’t. #
  • 15:07 THATS IT! I eat too much paint. RT @vagynafondue There’s nothing quite like eating a vegetarian sloppy joe with paint all over my hands. #
  • 16:01 The first episode that I ever saw of Silent Library is on right now, bringing with it instant happiness. #
  • 16:04 I mean come on, who wouldn’t eat a sweaty man’s spaghetti shoelaces for $300? Other than rich ppl and anti-glutenites? #
  • 16:08 Lady Gaga must feel proud that she has enough hits to warrant an entire episode of ABDC in her honor. She can probs retire now. #
  • 16:56 I think Henry just helped one of my ex boyfriends pull out into traffic. #
  • 21:13 I am not supposed to be texting from my new job but I wanted desperately to break that law. Down with the Man. #
  • 08:46 Trying to finalize the plan to leave Henry for Trey Songz. #
  • 10:32 You want pancakes for breakfast, you say? Ramen noodles it is! #
  • 10:58 Fuck LiveJournal. Yes, that’s right, I left the Internet version of a Mormon compound & lived to talk about it. #
  • 12:57 My phone is never as active as it is right before the #NHL trade deadline. Wow, is my life rich or what. #
  • 12:59 I think I’ll post nothing but tweets and my shitty fiction in my blog for an entire month!! The Fresh Beat Band says “Yeah yeah yeah.” #
  • 15:05 Imprinting is real. #
  • 15:47 Finding a good secretary is HARD. Henry’s not doing a good job. Apparently he has another “job,” whatever THATS all about. #
  • 19:45 Um. I kind of love this new job. #
  • 20:39 My boss enjoys her peanut butter toast with sunflower seeds on top. OMG ME TOO. #
  • 08:51 Why can’t Justin Bieber just play t-ball like normal kids his age. #
  • 12:28 I bow down before Chooch’s computer proficiency. I’m pretty sure when I was 3, I was eating paste and smearing poop on walls. #
  • 13:06 My kid is always pushing me out of my comfort zone. Like when he makes me use the oven to cook frozen fries. I’m so harried right now. #
  • 13:18 How do you like your grilled cheese? #
  • 13:31 Chooch and I are convinced that @mrsevils is Santa Claus. Another box of murder arrived on our front porch! #
  • 13:34 Another fantastic ornament for my dome, made by @mrsevils (! #
  • 00:56 At the end of the day, my only role in life is that of cat mattress. I’m cool with that. #
  • 07:41 I can’t concentrate with all these nuts in my face. #
  • 10:32 Christ, if this is how I feel NOW, what would I do if HENRY ever left me? The Internet might break. #
  • 10:33 Even Mopey Time has commercials: holy shit, Cupcake Pebbles???? #
  • 11:29 RT @NHL Burke: “I think people who watched the Olympics would be hard-pressed not to fall in love with our game.” #
  • 15:08 Cupcake Couples CUSTOM LISTING by somnambulant on Etsy #
  • 16:44 Like I needed more evidence that Ben Fuckerberger is a raping asshole. God, I hate that piece of shit. #
  • 21:07 I hope Henry has the wahambulance waiting for me when I get home. Oh hahaha. #
  • 23:29 God bless flax seed, am I right. #
  • 23:44 As if it wasn’t bad enuf Ty from Real World DC pushed Andrew off a ledg e, he got himself an internship w/ the Capitals. That motherfucker. #
  • 12:16 I wish the Dannon Danimals slogan was “Get your breast out.” #
  • 13:17 Hockey to Chooch is like an unwanted sibling and he acts like a spoiled brat everytime it’s on. #

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1 Comment so far

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