Recently, I have been going through a creative drought. Maybe not even so much a drought, but I just haven’t felt like creating anything. I am so distracted by other hobbies and interests now that I was starting to wonder if maybe my ship has sailed, maybe the “making things” part of my life is over? But then a few months ago, on a whim,  I added several Kpop cards to my non compos cards shop on Etsy, which is a stark contrast to my line of seasonal serial killer greets, but you know me: LIKE A FUCKING ONION.

(Layers, etc.)

I thought maybe they were just one-offs, but then last week, I felt inspired again and I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me sooner to meld Kpop and my card-making together, because I haven’t felt this excited to make shit in a long time! And the best part is that some of them are so cringey that it makes Chooch want to puke, and that’s my litmus test right there. I love Kpop A LOT, so this is the softer side of the serial killer greeting card e-boutique. Where else can you buy a Valentine with the sinister Ramirez sneer and a birthday card spilling over with the angelic glisten of G-Dragon’s perfect freakin’ face?

Just a disclaimer: Our cards are made with love and care. Each one is made to order: printed on high-quality paper and then adhered to sturdy card-stock (color varies per card) – this isn’t some quick print-and-fold job! That’s why our prices are a bit higher than other greeting cards you may see around Etsy. Henry takes his job as card assembly line VERY SERIOUSLY and has it down to such a science that anytime I try to help, I fuck up the whole process. So if we ever divorce (LOL just kidding I mean BREAK UP), I’ll either have to close the shop or start hand-drawing my cards on construction paper because our printer beats me every time.

Anyway, here are all of the ones I have made so far, please feel free to purchase many and often!

BTS BANGTAN ANGELS

Guys, we got RM, Jungkook, Jimin, Jin, J-Hope, V, and Suga floating about on this card like the freaking bangtan angels they are, This could be the one Christmas card you send that doesn’t get thrown away after the holidays. Any Kpop fan in your life is guaranteed to be filled with mirth and cheer with this angelic BTS Christmas card, even if they don’t stan them.

BTS is taking over the world, help them take over the fireplace mantel Christmas card collections, too! The inside is blank, lots of room to practice your Hangeul!

Comes with an envelope. I’m always afraid that there will be that one time Henry forgets to include an envelope and then all my envelope jokes will come back to bite me.

GOT7 Christmas Card!

Can you imagine Santa rolling up to your house in a sleigh full of Kpop idols? THAT IS THE ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS WISH. Well, for some people, anyway. And if you know someone who might have that wish, or at the very least loves Got7, then you should send them this card. The inside says, very succinctly, “Merry Christmas.”

Comes with an envelope because the last time I tried to mail a card in an empty sardine can, it was sent back to me. :(

G-Dragon Santa!!

Ugh, can you imagine sitting on G-Dragon’s lap….I mean HI GUYS here I am peddling another Christmas card! If you have a friend who likes Kpop, then this is the perfect card for them. I mean, G-Dragon dressed as Santa…that’s some merry fantasy.

Front of the card says “ho ho ho” in Hangeul. Inside says “Hope you have a zutter Christmas.” Zutter means “dope” in Korean, but it’s actually pronounced more like jjuttah. It’s also the name of a song that G-Dragon did with T.O.P.! (BTS also has a song called “Dope,” but in the song, they say zutter.) See how educational these cards are?

Comes with an envelope. G-Dragon is unfortunately not included. :(

SHINee Christmas (cringe) card!

This card has just the right amount of Christmas cringe! It’s sure to be appreciated by any Kpop lover you have in your life, especially if they like SHINee (and how can you like Kpop without liking SHINee?!). The inside is a dorky play on one of their more popular songs “Ring Ding Dong” and my 11-year-old son was so repulsed when he read it and called me an embarrassment, and THAT is how I know this card is a winner!

This card comes with an envelope, and not just because I’m all in the holiday spirit or whatever, but because all of my cards come with envelopes.

Speaking of cringe-tastic SHINee cards, here’s a Valentine featuring just Taemin which also made Chooch throw up in his mouth:

Taemin Valentine!

When I made this card, I woke up my 11-year-old son to show him, and his spirited review was, “I hate you.” That’s how I know this card is great! The cringier the better, am I right, you guys?

If you’re into Kpop, or know anyone who is, this card is guarenteed to get a great reaction because hello, what set of working eyeballs in this world don’t enjoy feasting upon the flesh-masterpiece that is LEE TAEMIN?

There’s plenty of space inside to scribble some fingerhearts or write secret love messages in Hangeul. Plus, it comes with an envelope because we don’t skimp here at noncomposcards.

Inside:

I know I already posted this one on here but I wanted to look at his pretty face again, so shut up.

Speaking of Valentines!

Apink Mr. Chu Valentine/Love/Anniversary card!

I told Henry I want a Mr. Chu for Valentine’s Day and he didn’t answer me because he was napping as usual. So I will not be giving him this card. But perhaps you have someone in mind who naps less and pays more attention than my ever-exhausted elderfriend! Then this card would work for you. Anyway, this is a nice Apink Valentine for someone you know who likes kpop.

It comes with an envelope that you can slip a house key in or whatever. I don’t know what you kids do these days.

The inside says “I’m falling, falling for your love.” Obviously. (Side note: “Mr. Chu” was one of the first KpopX routines I ever did two years ago so it will always feel special to me!)

BTS “Save Me” Valentine/Love/Anniversary Card

Valentine’s Day, Anniversary, Just Because…show your favorite Kpop-lovin’ person you love them with this adorable BTS-as-cherubs cards. The inside has lyrics from “Save Me” but can also be blank or customized – just let me know in “note to seller.” The inside says “I need your love before I fall, fall.” Ugh, just go listen to the song!

Comes with an envelope in case you don’t feel like hand-delivering this fine piece of Korean art.

A funny/cute/adorable thing to note about this card is that Henry was helping me cut out all of the faces, and he had each one saved individually as their name, so like Jin.psd, JHope.psd, etc. Henry knows all of their names and I think this is just the sweetest thing in the whole world HENRY LIKES KPOP PASS IT ON.

Birthdays exist too! Here are some cards for that:

BIGBANG birthday card!

This was the first kpop card I made over the summer! Let the boys of BIGBANG do all the heavy-lifting birthday-wishing for you with the most beautiful, Heaven-sent card for any Kpop fan!

As always, this card comes with an envelope that could probably be used as a face mask afterward, with way less benefits of a legit Korean brand, though.

BTS “Jams” Birthday Card

The perfect card for kpop lovers! Let your best BTS friend know that you’re wishing them lots of fun, er, jams, on their special day. No explanation needed for BTS fans, but this is kind of tricky to explain for anyone else because it’s a play on a Korean word and there was a whole meme made out of it which was super popular in the kpopsphere. My friend Lizz who has liked kpop way longer than me approved of this card when she saw it, and that’s good enough for me!

This card comes with an envelope. Add a packet of Smuckers at your own risk.

Red Velvet Birthday Card!

I went through a phase where I would snub my nose at any cake that wasn’t red velvet. I try not to be that way with kpop groups, but Red Velvet is seriously one of the best girl groups out there IN MY OPINION. And maybe you know someone who agrees with me and would be downright tickled to receive a birthday greeting with Red Velvet splayed across the front!

The inside of the card features lyrics from their song “Ice Cream Cake” (“May your day be vanilla chocolate honey with a cherry on top”) and if that doesn’t scream HAPPY BIRTHDAY then maybe you’re normal and I should go see a doctor because my greeting cards are talking to me.

An envelope is included. Maybe you could slip in a piece of ice cream cake, just kidding, don’t do that. The mailman will eat it.

OK that’s all I have so far! But I have a ton more that I’m working out in my head (including a sheet of mini-Valentines like I have for the serial killers and vintage porn star collection), and I’m probably going to open a separate Etsy for the Kpop line at some point. And don’t worry, EXOLS, I have some EXO cards I’m working on, too.

It feels nice to be inspired again, so as usual, thank you Kpop!

HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY INFOMERCIAL.

Hi guys it’s me Chooch and I’m going to tell you about how my dumb cat ruined my puzzle and I cried A LOT and then ran to my room and cried A LOT MORE.

No I didn’t cry. You’re right.

I SOBBED.

I WEPT.

Drew is the dumbest cat ever. I take back everything I said about my mom’s cat Penelope. Penelope is like a freakin’ dream compared to that dumbass cat Drew.

She’s not my best friend anymore!!!!

Also, I think Taemin is a really great dancer & performer.

***

Just kidding, it’s me, Erin. Chooch is still crying too hard to relive the trauma through writing. But that doesn’t make all of the above any less true! This puzzle is destroying our lives. First of all, Chooch is constantly nagging me to help him with it because he hasn’t learned yet that you have to let me do things on my own terms or I will freak the fuck out, so then he tells me I’m a horrible mom who doesn’t want to spend time with her son and I’m like, “IT’S BECAUSE YOUR ELBOW KEEPS BUMPING ME AND THEN YOU TRY TO GRAB THE SAME PIECE AS ME AND THEN, THE WORST PART OF IT ALL, YOU TRY TO TAKE CREDIT FOR PARTS I ALREADY DID!!!”

I was crying about this at work today and Glenn was like, “So, two 10-year-olds are trying to put together this puzzle.”

Why didn’t Henry try harder to stop this puzzle from entering our house?!

#BLAMEHENRY

And then it’s making Henry resent us because the puzzle is taking up his serial killer Christmas card work station, right smack in the middle of our busy season, so he’s been using the kid-size desk in Chooch’s room to fulfill orders.

(Speaking of Henry, he just came home with supplies from the craft store and sadly said, “See you guys later,” as he trudged upstairs to his makeshift greeting card sweat shop. I’m dying.)

What I’m trying to say is, even without the feline factor, this puzzle is TEARING MY FAMILY APART.

It all came to a head last night though. Chooch and I went for our nightly walk and he was excitedly telling me about how he’s about to make a big connection between two large chunks of the puzzle that we were working on over the weekend. He was so amped about this and I of course was just like, “Whatever, I did most of it.”

I’m competitive even with puzzles, OK.

Then we came home and it happened. Chooch went to pick up stupid Drew off the puzzle when it backfired. She went limp and then grabbed an entire corner of the puzzle, the part that Chooch, I mean, I was making so much progress on, and FLIPPED IT OVER.

Chooch processed the severity of the situation. Earth-shattering chaos ensued. And then he yelled at Drew! He’s never yelled at her before! But in between yelling, he was cooing, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. BUT YOU RUINED MY PUZZLE! I didn’t mean to yell at you. BUT YOU’RE FUCKING GROUNDED!!!”

I was on the phone with Henry while this was happening, because he was — where else — at the store*. So I relayed the situation to Henry, who was probably heel-clicking in the middle of the sad dad aisle because he wants us to give up on the puzzle so he can take back his table.

*(It’s a running joke in our house that “the store” is where Henry goes to get away from it all by mindlessly pushing around a squeaky cart while getting lost in the dulcet tones of grocery store soft rock. You do you, Papa H.)

With his hands against his head, Chooch yelled, “JUST TELL DADDY TO THROW THE WHOLE THING AWAY! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!” He stormed off to his room in tears. I told Henry that Chooch was in his room, so Henry, who is able to control Chooch’s Echo with his phone, made Alexa play Dashboard Confessional’s “This Ruined Puzzle.”

That went over real well. Chooch came storming back downstairs which only resulted in him having to look at the puzzle again and then the fury returned. He was still sulking over it, trying to piece it back together, when Henry came home from the store.

More pandemonium ensued because Henry brought home ice cream BUT IT WASN’T THE KIND THAT CHOOCH WANTED SO YOU KNOW WHAT, HE JUST DIDN’T WANT ANY ICE CREAM AT ALL, GOODNIGHT.

It was only 8:30 but he was “putting himself to bed.” A classic page right out of Erin’s bi-polar playbook. As soon as he shut his door, Henry made Alexa play Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River.” Shit hit the fan at that point and Chooch started shouting for us to grow up and leave him alone and I was laughing about it but secretly was scared that maybe he might burn down the house.

He came barreling down the stairs and yelled, “YOU KNOW WHAT?!?!?” like he was about to verbally assault us, but then he stopped and broke down into psychotic laughter/tears and begged me to help him fix the puzzle, so I did because I was afraid of the fall-out.

[SIDE NOTE: Everyone thinks I’m the dastardly parent—I mean, I’m the reason we had CPS called on us once, right?—but Henry is like the sleeper hit of pranks around here. For instance, Chooch lately has been playing ambient sounds on his Echo at night to help him fall asleep; Henry waited until he was sleeping Saturday night before changing it to some horror soundtrack, with some creepy girl saying, “I’M GOING TO GET YOU” over and over. These are the best parts of parenting, my friends.]

“THEY’RE CIRCLING ME LIKE SHARKS!” Chooch cried that night in one of many attempts to perform puzzle surgery, while the cats prowled around under the table, waiting for their chance to pounce on more pieces. This is our life now. Anyone want to come over and finish this fucking puzzle for us? I lost interest in it the night we started it.

The third annual lighting of Trudy took place Saturday night and oh it was a grand event. A real holiday hoedown. A real fucking festive fright.

Ok it was just a normal Saturday night except with mannequin-dressing. So…still not that far out of the norm for us.

Janna came over too and brought some cranberry cider and then Henry had to go and buy lights at 8:30 at night because I told him we needed new ones that morning but he chose to argue with me about it instead AND LOOK WHERE THAT GOT HIM: going to Lowe’s at 8:30 on a Saturday night.

He came home with a bag of peppermint marshmallows and was so smug about it for some reason. No one wants your dumb marshmallows!

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Above, please find a video of Henry struggling to untangle lights that I was in charge of putting away last year OOPS.

This year, Trudy expressed interest in wearing a gas mask as a political statement and luckily we had laying on the floor because we’re just that kind of house, but I tried to soften her look with my treasured G-Dragon light-up crown.

(DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT I SAW G-DRAGON LAST JULY ON MY BIRTHDAY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?)

At one point, Chooch disappeared. I called out for him to tell me what he was doing and he screamed back to me from upstairs: “You’ll see!” I had chills, you guys.

Apparently, he was assembling what he felt was a great “Pregnant Appalachian” assemble and then treated us to some bizarre skit about hating his baby and the baby daddy and needing smokes….?! And then he “gave birth” which was really scary and I started questioning my lucidity.

I was actually kind of terrified of his performance. Especially after he put on a zombie mask and tried to murder his baby with an ax.

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Janna puts up with a lot when she comes over. At one point she said she was having flashbacks to hanging out at my house in high school which was PANDEMONIUM, ALWAYS. Someone was usually running around with a knife while the dogs were barking and my mom was yelling, “PLEASE STOP BEFORE SOMEONE DIES” and my little brothers were swearing worse than mobsters and I was playing with fire….it’s basically the same thing here except I’m 20 years older and don’t have a dog and instead of two little brothers I have one crazy son and it’s not my mom yelling, it’s Henry.

And instead of making Janna watch a VHS compilation of Bone Thugs n’ Harmony videos and VMA performances, I put on YouTube and made her watch MAMA 2017 award show performances and a compilation of Taemin eating.

This is apparently a fetish of mine, watching pretty Korean boys eating. I’ll admit it. At this stage of the game, Henry is just like, “Whatever it takes.”

Me, raging while scrolling through YouTube: How are you going to make a “Taemin cute faces” compilation and then only have it be 58 seconds long??

Henry & Janna, telepathically to each other probably: Are we in Hell?

Some things don’t change, you guys. I’m basically still 15.

***

The next day, Calvin came over and got to meet Trudy for the first time! He was not impressed.

I have to be honest: I didn’t think I was going to be able to blog for a while because of my Apple Thumb. It was hurting even worse on Thursday and yesterday that I was starting to think I was going to have to go to the hospital. It was raining on Thursday when I went outside on my break and just the simple act of opening my umbrella (OK I say “simple” but this is always a struggle for me, even with ten healthy fingers) had me yelping in pain. Glenn at one point couldn’t take my whining any longer and asked, “OK let me see this gaping wound.”

“Glenn, I have four bandages on it! And I’m never taking them off!”

I saw Todd write something down during this exchange which is why I’m convinced he’s keeping a log of all the reasons he wants his seat moved.

I started to get really concerned because I was having pain on parts of my thumb that were, what I thought, unscathed by the vicious popping apple metal, but I asked Henry where my wound was, just to confirm. Of course he was like, “Shouldn’t you know where it is?” but I reminded him that I was half-blacked out and trying desperately not to look at my bleeding thumb that it’s really not that shocking that I don’t remember. But I was pretty sure I wasn’t actually cut on the padding of my thumb, which is where I was feeling a ton of pain, so then I started to wonder if I had metal in my thumb and it was infected.

Finally last night I was visited by a surge of bravery so I slid the band-aids off which is how I learned that the pain was coming from the fact that my skin was pinched together in like 4 spots on account of quadruple band-aid action. I had essentially put a baby tourniquet on my thumb so while I was relieved that I didn’t have like, shards of apple corer blades embedded in my thumb, I was now concerned that my thumb was dying or dead because the skin was BRIGHT WHITE and bath time prune-y times 100.

Well, I’m happy to report that today my thumb still hurts but it’s mostly better and back to a normal color, but I still have weird creases in it from the band-aids. And my two apple wounds are slightly sore but scabbed so I guess I’m the road to recovery.

That was really boring, so I’ll close it out with some photos that have been rotting in my phone just like the apple I refused to eat after my hand was nearly lanced off my body.

I just showed it to Henry and he had the audacity to say, “There’s not even anything there.” WOW JUST WOW.

A few weeks ago, we had lunch at Bae Bae’s Kitchen with Janna. I had the tofu and japchae — that tofu, and I’m not just saying this because it was a Korean restaurant, was the best tofu I’ve had in my life. The texture was mind-blowing and it was so crisp without feeling like I was eating some artery-clogging carnival fare.

Henry’s review was “eh” because we have been eating a lot of Korean food over the last year and he felt that, while it was good, it was too expensive and he didn’t get his money’s worth, blah blah. It was an old man complaint. Janna and I had heart-eyes for our lunch, while Chooch was crying because he hates everything.

Henry made me tomato & kimchi grilled cheese the other day and I felt like a fucking princess.

I was on late shift yesterday so I had all morning to follow along with the 2017 MAMA updates on Twitter. MAMA is the MNET Asian Music Awards, and it’s such a big deal that they had three of them this past week, in Vietnam, Japan, and then culminating with the main event yesterday in Hong Kong. I have to admit that when I was watching the AMAs a few weeks ago, I found myself saying, “Who? Who?” a lot because western music just hasn’t kept my attention lately. But watching the MAMAs made me realize just how deeply-invested I am in all of this because I knew everyone there, even when they were flashing to groups in the audience, I’d be like, “Aw that’s EXO” or whatever. But when they were showing people in the crowd at the AMAs, I was like WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!? YouTubers, apparently.

Anyway, I was blowing up Henry’s phone all day with updates and videos. BTS won artist of the year and stopped the whole show with their legendary performance. All I kept on thinking was how quaint they probably thought the AMAs were, because that shit is small-fucking-potatoes compared to the Asian music industry. Every performance there was fucking epic and blew away everything that I saw at the AMAs. Step it up, America. Shit.

(Gratuitous Taemin drivel ahead!)

Anyway, my favorite part was OBVIOULSY Taemin. He performed “Door” in a dramatic fashion, appeared at the end of Sunmi’s “Gashina” performance and did the epic gun-dance with her, and then went right into “Move” which he won the MAMA for “best dance” later that evening and I cried because he is such a fucking king of dance and so humble, I can’t stand it!!

If you’re into spectacular dancing you should watch both videos and not just because Taemin is in both but OK yes that’s exactly why you should watch.

I have always been a stupidly emotional person – crying is contagious for me, worse than yawns or herpes. But at one point yesterday I left my body and while I hovered over top of myself, I was so embarrassed at how badly I was blubbering and sniffling while watching AN AWARDS SHOW. I guess call it projection since everything else in the world sucks so fucking much. HUGE SHRUG.

Janna and my mom are coming over for the 3rd annual Lighting of Trudy, so I have to go and eat something for dinner other than the peanut butter cookie I just had from Orbis Cafe after standing behind three pre-teen Mt. Lebanon girls placing the most pretentious and confusing hot chocolate orders I’ve ever seen (“No, only 2 of 3 large ones are peppermint, and 2 have whipped cream, but only 1 of the peppermint ones has whipped cream, and then the one that doesn’t have whipped cream needs extra foam.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? Imagine these girls in a few years at Starbucks. They are the future of coffee culture!!!!). But can I just indulge myself once more before I sign off? I want to share a video of Taemin and Super Junior fan-boying during EXO’s performance because it’s everything.

“Seriously? They’re waving like they haven’t literally been sitting right next to each other all night long,” Henry said, yet he stuck around and watched it with me a second time BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING ADORABLE also because he likes Super Junior.

Bibimbye!

I was having a bad morning yesterday but had some time to kill before walking to the dreaded trolley so I was pissing around on YouTube. I somehow stumbled across a video called TAEMIN’S PRECIOUS LAUGH so of course I watched it and within 5 seconds my mood had improved.
I texted it to Henry because I share all of the things with him, jury’s out on how he feels about this. Then I called him on my way to the trolley and this is how that convo went:

Me: DID YOU GET THE VIDEO I SENT YOU.

Henry: Um, that’s 7 minutes of Taemin laughing. I’m sure you watched every last second.

Me: I did! Did you?

Henry: No! I don’t have time for that!!

I told him it was OK, we’d just watch it together later that night. And we did! At first Henry just sat there frowning, but by the end, his mouth was slightly curved into a smile. Just like the time I made him watch a 15 minute compilation of G-Dragon eating.

Honestly though I think I might need to watch this video every morning, because I was in a grand mood all day yesterday! It’s hard to believe that someone can be so adorably giddy and then walk on a stage and look like this:

(Side note: If he doesn’t win for best male solo dance at the MAMA show tomorrow I’m going to break something of Henry’s! They’ve already screwed over BTS and G-Dragon.)

Last night, Chooch and I were working on our puzzle and he was mindlessly singing “그대로 그대로 repeat” – I love how brainwashed my household is!! We are down so deep in the rabbit hole.

ETA: Chris suggested that I have a painting commissioned of Taemin and G-Dragon squaring off to be my ultimate bias. I told her this was a great idea and immediately had visions of a Renaissance-style masterpiece with angels hovering in the background.

Chris said that Chooch and Henry could be the angels and I love this image! When I told Henry, he mumbled, “Stop talking to Chris.”

The evening was going so well. Henry and I had watched about an hour of compilations of kpop groups speaking English, because we live such wild lives, and then Chooch wanted me to work on our puzzle with him.

I love this puzzle because Henry hates its existence so much, but I also dislike it because have you ever seen Chooch and me working together? It’s the opposite of harmonious.

What’s the opposite of the harmonious? Meghan Trainor thrash metal, I guess.

Also, as if it’s not hard enough bumping elbows with Chooch when lunging for those coveted edge pieces — cats.

In an effort to stall the puzzle pandemonium, I decided to grab an apple, which of course requires me to spend additional time looking for/washing/positioning the apple corer because I can’t just chomp down on a pink lady like Trump going beast-mode on a box of KFC.

I need my fucking fruit cut into pieces.

OK let’s just cut to the chase, AND I DO MEAN CUT: as I pressed the corer down onto the apple, IT FUCKING SNAPPED INTO ABOUT 48 PIECES NO NOT THE APPLE THE FUCKING CORER!

Some of the pieces sprung back onto my hands and I knew, I just knew: I HAD BEEN WOUNDED. I let the plate and the remains of the apple fall into the sink while I ran out of the kitchen, moaning loudly and holding up my damaged limb. I collapsed onto the staircase, not knowing what else to do with my broken body, and proceeded to apply pressure to my thumb while yelping, actually yelping, in pain. I was straight panicked, had no idea how bad it was, only that my right hand was on fire.

Chooch came running over to assess the situation and did his best to calm me down while Henry strode past us to survey the scene in his precious fucking kitchen. I thought he was in there looking for bandaids at first, but no, there he was: picking up pieces of corer carnage while I’m rocking back and forth on the steps, applying pressure to my thumb and screaming.

“WHY AREN’T YOU GETTING ME A BANDAID!?” I wailed. Henry walked out of the kitchen and asked, “Why, did you get hurt?”

OMG DID HE REALLY THINK I WAS CARRYING ON LIKE THAT BECAUSE I WAS UPSET THAT I COULDN’T CUT MY APPLE?! I mean, I guess that’s valid if you know me, but COME ON HENRY. I’M BLEEDING OUT OVER HERE.

So he sent Chooch upstairs to the bathroom to find me some lame, regular person bandages that are all beige and translucent and not pretty at all.  Henry tried to put some kind of spray stuff on it and my instinct was to kick him in the nuts, so he put his hands up and got rid of the spray before my foot could make contact.

While Henry diligently applied the bandaid to my thumb, I noticed another cut too and started screaming all over again.

“THERE IS NOTHING THERE!” Henry yelled, but there was, so he had to go and get me another bandaid. HA.

I thought I had a bunch of cuts on my left hand too but it ended up some being some apple shards.

This is all Henry’s fault. I told him weeks ago that the apple corer was cracking, but he was all, “JUST USE IT UNTIL IT BREAKS.” Well guess what motherfucker, it broke and nearly took me out with it.

While I was being bandaged by Nurse Henry, Chooch ran into the living room and yelled, “I KNOW WHAT WILL HELP” and put on a Taemin video* for me in a desperate attempt to diffuse the bomb ticking from within me because he’s the best son in the world even though today he apparently got a splinter and told me that it was way worse than my apple abrasion but he didn’t even cry, wow cool story SONNY BOY.

SIDE BAR: I watch this video a lot because I like to announce the part where Taemin is about to pop open that blazer, what.

Meanwhile, Henry was back in the kitchen. I assumed he was cleaning up all of my blood spatter and bone shards, but no – he was cutting up the apple with a knife, and then tried to serve it to me, like are you kidding? That piece of fucking fruit just assaulted me, I’m not eating that blood apple!

“You didn’t even bleed,” Henry sighed and this is a lie because I peeked at my thumb before he bandaged it and there was a literal FLAP OF SKIN hanging there and blood was definitely all around it. I’m lucky I even still have a thumb, if we’re being frank with each other here.

I spent the rest of the night wincing and sniffling every time I bumped my thumb.

Henry said I should have gone into acting.

The first thing I did when I got to work this morning was put better (read: prettier) bandaids on over top those dumb plain things.

“I feel like I should have probably gone to the hospital to get a staple,” I said after summoning up the courage to relive the previous night’s horror through words.

“I can staple it for you,” Glenn eagerly offered. Later, he made me relay the tale of terror to Amber and after she was done fake-caring, she shook her head and said, “It still blows my mind that you had a C-section.”

I agreed, but then added, “I mean…I did try to get it out of it, though.”

It might be a while until I eat another apple, if ever. I mean, I never had another kid after that C-section, so.

(Ed.Note: I told Henry I had to finish writing this blog post and he got all incredulous. “How do you even have that much to write about it? IT WASN’T THAT BAD.” Oh my god.)

Thanksgiving used to be a day that gave me so much stress. Where will we go!? Who will invite us over?! How can we be normal Americans?! But once you realize that other peoples’ traditions don’t have to be your traditions, things get a lot easier. Henry and I were just happy to be home from work, and Chooch was stoked to be home from school because the workload of sixth grade has been kicking his ass. We relaxed. Chooch hung out with his friends. (“Where did Chooch go with the gas mask on?” Henry asked when he saw Chooch leave the house, face obstructed by the bulky black mask. Apparently he was playing baseball in Marky’s backyard.) I watched kpop videos (OK MOSTLY TAEMIN VIDEOS). Henry cooked a casual dinner of sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, Brussels sprouts, butternut squash, some kind of fake ham roast (HE DIDN’T BUY THE TOFURKY IN TIME, YOU GUYS), and a wonderful homemade sweet potato pie.

It was a great dinner but I was mad because I had these lofty dreams of eating dinner inside a pillow fort but Henry wouldn’t help us build one and I got frustrated and tore the whole thing down and yelled at Henry for not buying a play tent the other night like I asked him to!!!! THIS COULD HAVE BEEN OUR NEW TRADISHUNNNNNNN.

While we ate, we watched birthday party videos on YouTube, which is what we started doing by accident two years ago on T-Day. In fact, the day before at work, my co-worker Marlene asked me what I was going to do for Thanksgiving. After I told her about the birthday party videos, she looked at me intently and them asked, “…but, you’re going to eat something too, right?”

At the end of our convo, she walked away and said, “Um, Happy…YouTubing.”

I mean, she asked!

Anyway, immediately after queueing up the first video, I felt full of rage. All of these famous-for-nothing YouTubers live in the same type of house: an under-furnished white/beige McMansion with literally no personal effects. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. We watched one with these two young sisters, and the one was having a surprise half-birthday party for the other, and it was so scripted and fake and BORING AS FUCK, AND THEY HAVE 8 MILLION SUBSCRIBERS.

Life is so unfair.

Henry, about one of these lame YouTube families: “THEY HAVE THEIR OWN GOOGLE APP.” He usually doesn’t get involved in our bday party YouTubing & he was instantly filled with regret.

We watched another where this basic ass white family had a birthday party at the roller rink for their bitchy teenage daughter and all of her Mean Girl friends. A few minutes in, I yelled, “WAIT WAIT WAIT….did they rent the whole rink out for this bitch’s birthday party?!” and as I said that I remembered that I too rented out a rink….twice.

BUT I DON’T HAVE 4 MILLION YOUTUBE SUBSCRIBERS.

After about an hour of this, I was tapped out and had to go back to kpop videos.

The next day, Thanksgiving Day #2, Henry had to work so Chooch and I hung out with Janna.

We had lunch at Spice Island and Chooch actually ate. He made this huge production of tasting each vegetable—normal ones, like cauliflower and green beans—like he was an alien visiting earth for the first time. He also had a pot of jasmine green tea and was so fucking dramatic about drinking it that I started to beg him to start a food vlog so that he can get a million followers and then we too can live in an echo-y McMansion which I will quickly turn into a virtual funhouse.

Afterward, we were going to walk around Schenley Park but since we were so close to CMU, we decided to explore the campus because Chooch is obsessed with one day going to college there. He has it all planned out.

Chooch was so afraid that we were going to get in trouble for being in there yet he gives no shits about trampling around the Pitt campus.

The last time I was at CMU was in 11th grade for my friend Evan’s art show. I remember him accidentally taking a door handle off one of the doors in whatever building we were in and giving it to me. I was SO EXCITED because I had a huge crush on Evan and here he was giving me a doorknob.

I’m not sure if I still have that doorknob, but I definitely have a video of this scene because I used to take my camcorder with me everywhere back then.

(As I’m writing this, Chooch came back in the house with the gas mask in his hand. “I just like wearing it,” he said.)

Chooch and his new dad. This was right before he ran across the grass because he wanted to pet some dog but then the dog’s owner crossed the street before Chooch could get there in time. It was a beautiful failure and Janna and I had a grand time mocking him.

Honestly, all Chooch cares about these days is petting dogs. It puts me in precarious situations because then I feel obligated to also talk to the dog owner and I just hate it so much. I hate talking to people, ugh.

We took a short break from competing/arguing/swearing at each other to take some selfies. I asked Janna if she ever feels like she’s our chaperone and she slowly said no but SHE HESITATED.

This is some famous CMU paint-thing. There were paint cans and brushes laying about so Chooch and I took that as our invitation to add our own flair.

And then Janna had enough of us and took us home, where we became Henry’s problem.

I’m usually at odds with Sundays but this one has been pretty daebak. Maybe it’s because I have tomorrow off so this doesn’t really feel like a Sunday, I don’t know. This whole weekend has been very kpop-centric, so I can’t complain. (I know, when isn’t kpop fueling my life these days.)

Henry is totally into kpop, too, way more than he ever was into any of the post-hardcore/screamo/pop-punk stuff I liked. In fact, yesterday morning, he casually said to me, “I was reading this article about SM Entertainment….” and then he actually agreed to doing an entire hour of kpop workouts with me last night!

When people say kpop is a trap, they’re not kidding. It has spread through our house like the sweetest disease. For example, if you were wondering what Henry listens to when he’s alone making greeting cards…

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Henry was using Chooch’s desk to make cards because his usual work station (aka the dining room table) has been taken over by the 2000 piece puzzle that Chooch and I impulse-bought Friday night at Target. Henry has been threatening to destroy the puzzle all weekend, but the cats might beat him to it. So far, neither of them have been as malicious toward puzzles as Marcy was though. She hated the joy that putting together puzzles brought me. :( I miss her.

HEY SPEAKING OF CARDS AND KPOP: I made this beautiful Lee Taemin Valentine yesterday. I woke Chooch up to show him and the cringe-fest of it all made him mumble, “I hate you.”

If you’re into Kpop, or know anyone who is, this card is guarenteed to get a great reaction because hello, what set of working eyeballs in this world don’t enjoy feasting upon the flesh-masterpiece that is LEE TAEMIN?

There’s plenty of space inside to scribble some fingerhearts or write secret love messages in Hangeul. Plus, it comes with an envelope because we don’t skimp here at noncomposcards.

Here, go buy one.

Later on, we went to Armstrong’s for dinner and Chooch was fucking PAINED because his buddy down the street just got into Minecraft and Chooch desperately wanted to play it with him but we had the audacity to drag him with us and feed him, but god forbid if we DON’T feed the little fucker, we never hear the end of it! For instance, on Friday when we were at Target buying the aforementioned puzzle, Chooch realized that he hadn’t eaten dinner and when he mentioned it, Henry paused and said, “…..you had lunch.” Like that was the best excuse he could come up with for neglecting his child!?

“You had lunch” is the new excuse that Chooch and I have been throwing around all weekend.

Somehow in the midst of all the incessant whining, Chooch was able to eavesdrop on the young couple in the booth diagonal from us. “I think that guy just said something about Rap Monster!” Chooch exclaimed, to which Henry and I laughed, “Yeah right.”

But then I heard it too! The guy was saying something about not understanding one of Rap Monster’s parts and then something that made us think that they were talking about the AMA performance, and then also he name-dropped Suga!

“OMG THOSE PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT BTS!” I squealed. “I want to say something. Please let me say something!”

“Don’t!” Henry hissed, and blocked me from getting around him in the booth. He hates it when I butt into other peoples’ conversations, but I was so excited because this was honestly right after I was crying in my dumb American salad and saying that I feel like I don’t belong in this country anymore.

IT WAS LIKE THOSE PEOPLE WERE PUT THERE TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS ALONE!

Chooch, meanwhile, forgot about Minecraft and was now obsessed with drawing attention to himself, so he kept loudly singing “Go Go” and spitting out “BTS” in a Tourettes-like fashion.

Then when he realized he was wearing a KCON shirt, he made this huge production of shrugging out of his jacket, STRETCHING, and the standing up next to our table and loudly saying, “I WONDER WHERE THE BATHROOM IS” while dramatically tugging on his shirt and jutting out his chest.

It was hilarious and also very embarrassing.

They never did acknowledge us, but when they walked past us on their way out, Henry thought he recognized the girl as one of the managers at the CVS down the street from us so now I’m going to go there every day this week while wearing my light-up G-Dragon headband.

Now we’re just hanging out watching videos on YouTube and Henry said, “Let’s watch this again,” and with an actual flourish, he put on the new video for BTS’s “Mic Drop” remix. LOOKS LIKE HENRY FINALLY FOUND A KPOP GROUP TO STAN. (I just asked him if Jimin is still his bias and he said, “HE NEVER WAS” – wow, so defensive.)

Non-kpop related, but when we came home from dinner, Chooch was craning his neck down the street to see if his dumb friend was home and I was like, “OMG YOU ARE SUCH A WORLD-CLASS STALKER!” and then Henry was all, “OH HO HO! LOOK WHO’S TALKING. HE GOT HIS STALKING SKILLS FROM THE #1 WORLD CLASS STALKER. JIMMY!!!!”

Oh yeah.

It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving weekend without Henry slaving over a turkey DIY project.

A few months ago, one of the neighbors was throwing away a plain wooden end table.

I was like, “I WILL TAKE THAT THANK YOU” and enlisted Chooch’s help in dragging it across the lawns under the veil of night.

We needed a table for the back porch and this was perfect. But…it was so plain. Have you seen my house? It’s a mod podge of spray-painted furniture—some of it literally does have Mod Podge on it too. So I knew I needed to spice this up.

We’re working on a much larger project using engineer prints and Henry was talking about needing a smaller project to practice sealant techniques on the prints, so I GOT THE BRIGHT IDEA to have a G-Dragon engineer print made for the table!

With a bit of practice, Henry managed to find a way to adhere and seal the print without the image running so now I have a beautiful and completely frivolous G-Dragon coffee table for the back porch.

Just DONT PUT YOUR COFFEE ON IT. It has sealant on it but let’s not get crazy with it, OK IMAGINARY HOUSE GUESTS?!

We had to run to the craft store today to get glue for the gems and I ran into the director of our department. First of all, I was carrying a huge candy cane for Trudy so Sue was like, “Oh wow what projects are you working on now?” so I had to explain that the candy cane was for our mannequin Xmas tree and that we were also there to get supplies for a G-Dragon table. Sue was like, “OK! Well um I can’t wait to see pictures!

” I should have told her I was making a traditional Xmas wreath with pine cones and ribbon – she probably would have been way more shocked.

I wanted Henry to make the table light up but he was like I CANNOT MAKE EVERYTHING IN THE FUCKING HOUSE TWINKLE, OK?!

And this has been: The Making of a Kwon Jiyong Furniture.

Stay tuned for my follow-up DIY: The Lighting of a Lee Taemin Lamp.

Thanks for reading. Please continue to support me. (THATS WHAT KPOP IDOLS SAY TO THEIR FANS, OK.)

After our visit to the Mattress Factory last Saturday, we walked up the street to hang out at Randyland. If you live in Pittsburgh, you probably for sure know about Randyland because it’s the happiest place around. The owner, Randy (obviduh) bought some dilapidated property in the 90s and slowly turned it into a a giant outsider art masterpiece. We were there on a dreary November day, but even then it was bright and magical. I WILL JUST LET THE PHOTOS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.

환영합니다!

Guys. I’m not trying to get your hopes up, but Janna wrote something about needing a new job on her worry card, and she got a new job literally four days later. Chooch and I both wrote TRUMP on ours so maybe Trump will be impeached? LOL BUT SRSLY PLZ.

Basically what the inside of my head looks like, but please add more gold glitter and kpop idols .

Now if you’ll excuse me, Chooch and I bought a 2000 piece puzzle at Target last night and he’s yelling at me because I’m taking too long of a break but hunching over a fucking puzzle hurts my back! Ugh. Have you ever really SEEN Chooch and I working together on anything? It’s not pretty. Not even a little.

Hey boy hey I’m back with more Mattress Factory photos. Everything you see here will be from the main Mattress Factory building.

I was so entranced by the funhouse-mirror effect that the weird foil stuff on the walls had that I never actually bothered to read anything about this exhibit. I don’t even know what it was called, but maybe I should move my dying plants there because the set-up seems way better than what I have at home.

(Also Janna is going to kill me for posting this picture because that is obviously not what she looks like at all.)

Plant room selfie.

The next room was an Allan Wexler experience in levels and architecture. It was not my favorite but Chooch was really drawn to it, probably because it appealed to his nerdy, analytical mind.

I did, however, enjoy the intravenous coffee table.

Here’s a random picture from the fire escape:

If you don’t take gratuitous selfies in the permanent Yayoi Kusama room, then have you really Mattress Factory’d? This is always the crowd pleaser whenever I bring new people to this joint, and it’s not surprising that this is the only thing that Chooch remembers from his past visits.

I read recently that Russell Wilson shut down the Seattle Art Museum to take Ciara to see the Kusama retrospective for their anniversary. LUCKY.

There’s a permanent Greer Lankton exhibit on one of the floors, but it was recently expanded to include a temporary display of old works that her family lent to the museum, and we were shook. I already liked her a lot, but these drawings and paintings give a deeper look into her life.

Funny enough, we entered this room in reverse order and apparently missed the sign that warned of sexually explicit content, so I had no idea what we were getting into until Chooch wandered off, then came back and said, “UM PLEASE COME HERE” and pointed out a super porn-y drawing which made me crack up. I sent a picture to Henry who was like GOOD JOB ERIN but really he was like NICE THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE ART.

Honestly though, most of it was really sad, emotionally disturbing, and worked as raw and visceral diary excerpts.

None of these are the one that disturbed Chooch, but on the way out, he pointed out another one called, “Cunt on a Stick” and mumbled, “Nice. Real nice.”

And then on the way home, it was all “THAT GREER LANKTON ROOM WAS PRETTY GOOD, DON’T YOU THINK?”

This is the permanent Lankton exhibit, called, “It’s All About Me, Not you.” I highly recommend exploring her work. She was fucking fascinating.

“What, hold on…” Chooch said, before tossing a brooding stare over his shoulder. “OK, now take my picture.” The Mattress Factory triggered his inner model, you guys. He was like this the whole afternoon and it was starting to creep me out a little.

These remind me of serial killer prison art and I would gladly hang them all in my bedroom.

Chooch got a B in stupid art this semester because when he leaves the school to go to the Gifted Center, he misses art class sometimes and therefore is unable to finish projects and I think this is fucking bullshit because:

• it sometimes feels like the regular school punishes the gifted students in stupid ways like this;
• art shouldn’t be graded

I feel like having experiences like we had last Saturday afternoon at the Mattress Factory is worth more than whatever bullshit busy work an elementary school art teacher is doling out. (Not knocking art teachers at all but the one at his school has been a pain in the ass since the beginning.) I suggested he write a review of his day looking at real art and turn it in to her, but then I’m afraid he’s just going to be like, “I SAW LOTS OF DICKS DRAWN WITH CRAYONS AT THE MATTRESS FACTORY.”

For my obligatory Thanksgiving bullshit post this year, I am obviously going to say that I’m thankful for Kpop, le duh. This morning, I was talking to Henry about it, how much better the concert experiences have been than the ones I’m used to, how all of the fans are so nice, how it feels like I finally belong somewhere, and I started crying so hard, haha. Henry patted my leg and said, “OK, take it easy.” I mean, all of this is in addition to the fact that I have literally lost 25 pounds just by dancing to Kpop and eating kimchi every day. Whoever would have thought. My life has always been driven by music, since I was a little kid, but I think it’s safe to say that this is the most fun, healthy, and healing it’s ever been for me.

More specifically, on this Thanksgiving Day 2017, I am giving thanks for the beautiful Lee Taemin, aka BIAS WRECKER. He released his second solo album last month and it has been giving me life these last few weeks, especially while I have been sick (physically and mentally — it’s been rough in my head since Halloween). There have been times when I’m getting ready for work in the morning and take a break to sit in the bed and cry to one of his songs – I don’t typically like the slower/ballad-y kpop songs but his are pure art and make me feel like I’m being wrapped up like kimbap, which I’ve needed these last few weeks because sometimes, even when I’m in a roomful of people, I still feel alone. It’s been nice to have something to latch on to.

And no, I don’t need him to sing this in English; it brings tears to my eyes just the way it is. Not as much as this one does though:

This is not hyperbolic: I started thinking, just thinking about this song at work the other day and had to lowkey slip into the bathroom because I couldn’t stop crying. I’m wrecked.

Things I love about Taemin: the way he pronounces “j”/”ch” sounds (Henry thinks this is absurd and says he can’t hear it, no matter how many times I play “Press Your Number”), his intricate & subtle 1980s jazz dance moves (he’s one of the best dancers in Kpop PLEASE WATCH THAT VIDEO UP THERE; I watch it 87 times a day), his mature silken voice, obviously his perfect fucking face good lord help.

Chris and Monica stopped by last Monday and they can attest that the only thing that played on the TV during the hour they were here was Taemin. At one point, Monica commented on his shoes and I was like, “Oh, I never noticed. I literally only ever look at his face….”

Henry doesn’t like Taemin because he feels threatened by his beauty but don’t worry – Chooch said he will go see him with me if he ever does a North American tour so I guess I better start saving up!

(I just told Chooch that today I’m thankful for Taemin and he rolled his eyes so hard and walked away. So maybe I’ll be going to see him alone after all. VIP FOR ME THEN.)

Um, I guess I’m also thankful for Henry and Chooch, too (for not implementing any sort of kpop ban in the house and for Henry having the best Erin Needs Tampons intuition.)

For the first time in years, I watched a music awards show. I had to sit through nearly three hours of blandness waiting for the one freaking thing that I wanted to see (isn’t that always the case). But it was worth even enduring that atrocious Christina Aguilera “Bodyguard” soundtrack medley (sorry, never been a fan).

Before I get to the good part, here are some more thoughts:

• I did really enjoy Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez (I just really love her), and the Zedd/Alessia Cara performances, so there’s that.
• I don’t think Tracy Ellis Ross (or whatever the fuck her name is) is funny or a big enough personality to carry a whole awards show. And I don’t care if she’s Diana Ross’s daughter. JUST MY OPINION.
• EVERY TIME THEY SHOWED BTS IN THE CROWD, CHOOCH AND I SCREAMED.
• Fuck Florida Georgia Line and I don’t even know who the broad was who was singing with them.
• I don’t dislike Pink but maybe if her music was more interesting she wouldn’t have to hang off the side of a hotel.
• I liked Gaga better during her bloody Paparazzi phase, but I do like that single she performed even though it honestly sounds like it could be have been sung by any other current girl pop singer out there right now. (Her performance that year at the VMAs is still my all time favorite awards show performance of any band/singer.)
• Kelly Clarkson seriously seems like the nicest person in the whole industry and she makes me smile even if her music isn’t really my thing.
• I cried when Linkin Park won even though I haven’t been a fan since like 1999.
• If someone would have told me 12 years ago that one day Portugal the Man would be performing at the AMAs I would have laughed. (Also sorry to sound like a fucking hipster but their old shit was better.)
• WHY NO CHARLIE PUTH THO
• Shawn Mendes is talented. I support him.
• I was excited to see Diana Ross! I opened up to Henry and Chooch about how when I was young in the 80s, I thought “Missing You” was the saddest song ever written because that one part where she sings, “I’m missing you / Tell me why the road turns” always made me think that literally the road turned while her boyfriend or whoever the song is about was driving, and he kept going straight and crashed and died. Henry and Chooch unanimously agreed that I’m dumb, so they can both fuck right off. IT WAS HARD TO SHARE THIS STORY

OK on to the most important part…

Unless you have been living under a rock, you probably heard that, omg, a KOREAN BOY BAND performed at the American Music Awards last weekend. I was so stoked for this. BTS isn’t my bias group but I do like them a whole lot, especially since this last record of theirs came out. Even then I said that it blew American pop music out of the water and now look—America is catching on. I’m going to try hard to not come off as a pretentious music snob cuntface over here, but I’m like thoroughly smug and validated right now. I WILL TRY TO TONE IT DOWN because I know how annoying I can be. #selfawareness

I was a nervous wreck all day on Sunday, like I was waiting to watch my actual seven sons perform at the school talent show or something. I was driving Henry nuts (duh) but even he was anticipating this event. We went to Blake’s that evening for birthday cake (he’s 25 now!) and the whole time I was like OK BUT WE NEED TO BE HOME BY 8. WE’RE GOING TO BE HOME BY 8 RIGHT and I don’t  know what the big deal is because we honest-to-god live 4 minutes BY FOOT from Blake and Haley’s apartment so I wasn’t ever going to be stranded there, AMAs-less or anything.

Sometime around 10:30, the Chainsmokers walked on stage and I knew it was finally happening. It made sense that the Chainsmokers would announce them because they collab’d on a song on BTS’s recent record.

I’m honestly crying all over again as I type this but those boys fucking slayed that stage. And the fan chants made us so happy – the Armys were representing so hard out there that night! I read that the AMAs had to actually mute the crowd because it was so hard to hear the music hahahaha. Chooch was like, “Everyone there experiencing this for the first time now knows what my ears felt like at KCON!” Honestly – I have been to a lot of concerts in my lifetime, but I have never heard screaming as loud as I have at kpop concerts. It’s a whole new level of fan-girl.

I stood right next to the TV with my hands over my heart through their whole performance. I have seen them perform DNA on sooooo many Korean music shows but man…seeing them at the AMAs, giving all the Western music world a run for its money? Fuck yeah boys, get it.

Several of my friends even admitted to me that they watched it and now they see why I like Kpop so much. I mean, I honestly just really like how the language sounds, to the point where I wonder if I wouldn’t like it if any of the groups recorded English versions of their songs. For example, I tend to not like the Japanese versions they record at all. And don’t even get me started on how much I love their dancing. I also think it’s not understood how hard these people work! And BTS especially — they’re not as prefabricated as you think. They write most of their own songs and J-Hope does a lot of the choreography for them. They are artists in every sense of the word and it does irritate me when people here scoff at Kpop like it’s inferior to…what? All the Meghan Trainors and Taylor Swifts whining on our radios? Just because Kpop is in a different language doesn’t mean it’s “weird” or “a joke” or “creepy.” And hey American interviewers – STOP ASKING THEM IF THEY’RE GOING TO RECORD AN ALBUM IN ENGLISH. Isn’t it enough that there’s an English remix of “Mic Drop”? :(

From the reaction that BTS’s performance got Sunday night, it seems like maybe our country is becoming more open to the idea of Korean pop music. Believe me, there are millions of us here who already know how wonderful it is! I know this because the last time BTS toured the US, tickets sold out in minutes, so um…hopefully they’ll add more cities next time?

My favorite part was the next morning, my boss called over to me, “So have you stopped smiling yet?” I didn’t know what she meant by that, and she followed up with, “They really brought down the house last night!”

“Oh my god, you watched??” I asked, and she said, “Yes! You’re the reason I knew who they were!”

Glenn was all, “What. What’s going on?” And I smugly said, “OH NOTHING JUST ONE OF THE KPOP GROUPS I LIKE MADE HISTORY LAST NIGHT AT THE AMAS NO BIG DEAL” and he was so annoyed because he wants Kpop to be a joke forever and ever amen.

I’m so proud of these boys. I felt like I was watching  my seven kids matriculate! Way to represent South Korea, BTS.

After being sick for-fucking-ever, I desperately needed to get out and do something fun, and since it’s been nearly two years since I’ve gone to the Mattress Factory, an outing there just seemed right and not full of exertion (i.e. I wasn’t yet ready to participate in a tire-throwing competition or anything like that).

Plus, it’s been at least 6 years since I last took Chooch there, so long that the kid has zero memory of ever being there, and he was really stoked about this. I have been grooming that kid to love museums since he was in the womb, y’all.

Womb is such a gross word.

Anyway, we got Janna to go with us too because Janna is my OG Mattress Factory accomplice. We’ve been going semi-sporadically since I learned in 2005 that we could use our Pitt IDs to get in for a discount. (I was determined to milk that fucking ID for all that it was worth – tens of thousands of dollars, it turned out.) The last time I went to the MF, Janna couldn’t go because she was LITERALLY BUYING A MATTRESS THAT AFTERNOON. Oh god, what are the odds.

I have written about this place a shitload of times on this blog, so if you’re ever interested in seeing pictures of past installations, there’s a search  bar around here somewhere, I think. Otherwise, I will just quickly tell you that it’s a gem on the north side of Pittsburgh, my favorite museum in the city, a hands-on experience, quirky, fun, unique, blah yadda etc. If you live in Pittsburgh and haven’t gone there, you’re dumb (I’m kidding, please don’t stop reading this, I’m desperate for readers!). And if you’re planning on visiting Pittsburgh sometime ever, you should definitely check this place out because it’s cool, yo. It’s cool.

It was actually moderately crowded on this particular day, which is not usually the case. So we were kind of annoyed when we started the day off in one of the annex buildings and could barely enjoy it because a million college kids were pushing their way through the cramped spaces and setting off emergency exit alarms (“It wasn’t us!” I said to the docent who pushed past us to turn it off. “It was those college kids, wasn’t it!” she cried and we were like YES MA’AM!!! Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure she was a college kid, too.)

The installation in this building was the same for years and I was really growing tired of it, but now it’s this crazy three-floor exhibit by Dennis Maher called “A Second Home.” It was like walking through a dollhouse in a way and we were all infatuated. However, it was also kind of dangerous because there were steps where you didn’t expect them and lots of spots where you had to duck – Janna and Chooch both smacked their faces off the same spot and I laughed.

There was this young couple behind us who fucking rushed us through the entire first floor because they were practically walking on our backs. That in addition to the girl making disparaging art critiques almost ruined my day there. Almost. We lost them after a bit, luckily, and our experience was greatly improved from then on.

Chooch was really into it from the get-go. Age 11 has been pretty great. His attention span still kind of sucks, but places like the Mattress Factory are just stimulating enough to hold his interest. He wasn’t blowing past each painting like he used to do at the zoo when he was a kid. Our zoo visits were done at record speeds! It felt more like being at a gallery with my two friends and not just “my friend Janna and my kid Chooch.”

I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, except that my kid is growing up to be such a cool person and I really enjoy spending time with him, especially when Henry isn’t with us because that’s when we get along the best.

Also, Henry thinks art is dummm so he didn’t want to go with us anyway.

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On the way to the second annex, Chooch literally chased down a lady so that he could pet her dog. Ladies and gentlemen, my son the serial petter.

OK, I honestly cannot constructively describe how the first floor of the second annex made me feel, except that I was ready to pack a bag and move in because it fit my aesthetic to a motherfucking T, you guys. To the point where I was frantically trying to figure out which room in my house to completely gut and invite Vanessa German over to construct “sometimes.we.cannot.be.with.our.bodies.part.2.” Sorry Chooch, you can sleep on the couch, mommy needs your room for bigger and better things.

This was around the time Chooch started to get super pose-y and I had no complaints about that.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I just wanted to lay down in the middle of all this gaudiness – DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME.

Liberace probably would have ejaculated immediately upon entrance of this room.

We spent a lot of time in this room, taking it in from every angle. There were so many details to see! I need to go back. I miss it.

Eventually we moved on to the second floor.

This was David Pohl’s “furniture music” which we also fell in love with. The mauve walls made me feel so peaceful and it’s a good thing 97% of my current plant collection is now dead because I’m going to tape them all over the walls. The Mattress Factory is always giving me the best interior design tips.

This is probably why Henry hates it so much.

“Take a picture of me sitting on this chair.

”

The look on Janna’s face when he said this was priceless. It was totally saying, “Look at the monster you created.”

“squawk.”

I’ll be back later this week with pictures from the main part of the Mattress Factory, where a chunk of Chooch’s innocence swan-dove out the window thanks to some, um, mature art.

Sometime in September, Chooch came home with an order form for some dumb Southern Living cookie dough that the school was pushing the kids to peddle, and I was like, “LOL you can just throw that in the trash because I’m not taking it to work!

” Honestly, I hate fundraising bullshit, and I especially hate asking co-workers to buy things when most of them have their own children who are selling magazines and hoagies and slingshots and fidget spinners, I dunno what kids sell these days.”

Flash-forward a week or two later. Chooch said he was going over his friend Wesley’s house and we were like, “Look both ways before you cross the street, don’t take candy from strangers, don’t talk to my Mexican taco cart boyfriend without me.”

He came home a few hours later and it turns out, that sonuva took the order form with him and actually made like 8 sales to random people in Brookline!? Of course, his Corgi buddy Bob bought two containers of dough, but I didn’t recognize a single other name on that form! “Oh, that’s the lady who lives next to Bob, she has a dog too. And that’s her mom, who lives across the street. Oh, and that’s Ed’s* girlfriend” because Chooch gets around, man. He fucking gets around.

*(Ed is the guy who owns the gaming place on Brookline Boulevard, and Chooch of course has befriended him because most of Chooch’s friends are adults so why not add another.)

Meanwhile, the order form is all ATTENTION PARENTS, PLEASE SUPERVISE YOUR CHILDREN. DO  NOT LET THEM GO DOOR-TO-DOOR, because the world sucks these days. If this was the 80s, cold-calling would be encouraged! HERE’S THE MILKMAN, SON, ASK HIM IF HE WANTS TO BUY SOME FUNDRAISER FRUITCAKE! He’d have come home with 348 sales!

Unfortunately, Chooch collected checks from two of the houses, and the separate instruction sheet that was sent home from the school says that no checks are accepted, even though the order form states otherwise.

So while one of the checks was made out to Chooch’s school, the other one was made out to “Central Middle School” and we were like, “Wtf is this school?” and it turns out it was what the sample check on the order form had written on it, for fuck’s sake. So Henry had to take Chooch back to these two houses to exchange their checks for cash, which is how we realized that one of the lady’s lives in the house behind us, the same house with the garage window that Chooch busted a few yeas ago which turned into a summer-long odyssey of the husband repeatedly showing up at our door to remind Henry that he still had not replaced the window, because Henry is the king of procrastination, which is one of the things that his mom and I argued about last spring when she blamed me for him not doing all the things he promised her he would do and I was like DO YOU THINK HE DOES EVERYTHING I WANT HIM TO DO THE FIRST TIME I ASK HIM TO DO IT, LADY?! My god, guys like Henry are the reason why women have to nag in the first place.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyway, the point of this story is that as soon as I saw that he made some sales on his own, I suddenly morphed into Captain Competition and decided that I would take the order form to work and try to outsell him. Normally, people will bring this shit in and leave it on the table by the kitchen and let it sell itself. Not me. I kept the order form right where I could see it, on the counter behind Lauren, and flat-out accosted everyone who walked past with this super-aggressive opening line, “BUY SOME COOKIE DOUGH.” You’d be surprised how many times it worked! I even got Todd to buy a gluten-free tub, and Mitch too who almost definitely has never baked cookies in his whole entire life, good thing he has a wife now.

You guys, I became consumed by selling. I even told people that I would accept Paypal, so I was able to strong-arm Chris and Monica as well, by sending them pictures of their options. This went on for a week until it was time to return the order form to school, which is when we discovered that whoever NANCY is didn’t pay Chooch. “She said that she will pay when the cookie dough is delivered,” Chooch shrugged. “This ain’t no C.O.D!” Henry barked, prepared to scratch her name off the list, but Chooch was all, “WE CAN’T DO THAT! SHE’S SARAH’S MOTHER!” and we were like WHO THE EFF IS SARAH and apparently she is the lady who lives across the street from Nancy and also ordered a tub. Chooch was so certain that Nancy was good for her word, that he SPOTTED HER THE MONEY.

I am so glad there were no cameras on us the evening before the order form was due, because it was like we were all using math for the first time in our lives. It took all three of us to count the money and add the sales, twice, before we finally arrived at the same number. It was beyond stressful.

I know what you’re wondering: “But Erin, did you sell more than your son?” PFFT FUCK YEAH, YOUR GIRL DID. Chooch sold enough to get some janky prizes worth about $7 but more importantly, since he sold more than 20 tubs, he got to go to Pizza Hut in a limo, so even though he didn’t reach his lofty goal of 125 tubs which would have scored him a Playstation or whatever, he was very pleased.

And then I remembered that I was going to have to bring all this shit to work and distribute it, and I immediately regretted the choices I had made.