“The holidays” are very scary and vulnerable times for me & I often think back to when I lived alone and realize that it’s a miracle I made it through. Not being dramatic here, but painfully real and honest because the last few months have stirred something in me and I’m just done with being a pretender. I used to be so open on here and with everyone who knew me, and all that caused was me losing friend after friend because no one can handle it. (Can someone give Janna an award for sticking around since we were in 6th grade? This girl has seen me at my fucking worst, has been in the hospital with me, and has watched sadly as I made jokes about the bite marks I gave myself in a fit of hysteria.) Honestly, I am so fucking fake and I am just exhausted with living every single day like I’m in some never-ending poorly-scripted high school play. My social anxiety is sky-high and this is always the time of year when people want to put me in rooms with strangers. And not even strangers — at work last week, we had a little holiday cocktail thing, just for our department. A small department full of people who I get along well with, some of them I’ve known for 7 years at this point, but the thought of being in an open corridor with all of them at once made my heart race. I ran in and grabbed a drink before it got crowded and then motherfucking ghosted. I probably look like a huge stuck-up bitch, but I just can’t handle it like a normal person. I literally do not know how to mingle anymore so please don’t put me in a crowded room, I beg you.

The holidays still are hard for me to get through but now I have A Henry^TM to babysit me. I had another very ugly cry and rant session with him last night and the one thing that I took away from it, that I said over and over to Henry, is “I don’t WANT to feel like this.” So today I am going to try to fixate on the good things, because I can’t change who I am, at least not at the moment, and I can’t go back in time and stop tragedies from happening. And I’m going to tell myself what I know Henry has been biting his tongue to prevent from saying, but I have GOT to move past this. And no one is going to make that happen but me, which is 100% something I’ve learned after living with this for 30+ years.

“This.”

I’m not blind to why Jonghyun’s death has triggered me so much. It’s because this could have been me hundreds of different times over my life. It has stopped me cold in my tracks, made me reevaluate my life, what I want from my future, what I have learned from my past. Yes, it’s fucking fall-to-your-knees sad and tragic and I have cried an embarrassing amount of times over it, because it has affected me in some way that only I can understand. So please fuck right off with that “you didn’t even know him” bullshit line. How many times did he tell himself, “Just hang on for one more day, stay here for your family, think of your friends” before that pep talk just didn’t cut it anymore? How much worse than this does it need to get before you’re not scared to let go anymore? I think about this and feel so frantic.

The irony of this all is not lost on me, how something that was able to lift me up after a traumatic 2016 has managed to do a complete 180 and make me feel so sad and despondent a year later. Life is SO FUCKING FUNNY like that.

I’m going to try to be more open, even if it means possibly losing friends, because that is what always happens. It’s just hard when I’m crying at work and someone is like, “What’s wrong?” and it’s just literally me feeling sad for no reason that makes sense to anyone so then I’m just like, “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong. Everything in my life is wonderful but I’m just sad.” And truly, everything in my life is wonderful. I have a great, supportive family; I have a good job working with people I genuinely like; I’m physically well; I have amazing friends who check in with me and are so much to be around; and I do a lot of really fun things. But then these feelings come back and overshadow all the good and all I can see is the bad, the negative, the morbid. I used to be so honest about these issues on here, and I would get messages from strangers telling me that it helped them to know they weren’t alone, that they could relate. I want to do that again, instead of hiding who I am out of embarrassment or fear because this blog is less anonymous now than it was then. If me laying out my demented mind and putting my fragile guts on display can stop just one person from succumbing to utter despair and hopelessness, then the pain it took for me to write this is worth it.

To try to give myself closure in order to work toward getting myself better, I went full-blown Girl Scout craft-mode last night, because sometimes I just need to be a kid gluing stuff to a thing in order to nudge the grieving process along. So I made this flower frame, which is now hanging in my room, as a reminder to keep getting out of bed and to keep living with the belief that the next day will be better.

It gets better. And if it doesn’t, I guess I will have to try harder to make it.

Today, a/k/a The Slowest Work Day of the Year, a/k/a Day 4 of Wearing Mourning Black, I was at Crazy Mocha during my lunch break.

While I was waiting for my chai latte, that Darlene Love Christmas song came on–you know, the one that was in Gremlins and that’s two blog posts in a row that I referenced Gremlins–and I had this weird out of body experience, like I was living inside a dark holiday comedy and everything was moving really fast around me while I just stood there frozen with a forlorn glaze on my saddest landscape of a face, the dull pain of “cried too much this week” thumping methodically behind my left eye.

And in that moment, I wished that I could feel happier about the holidays or you know, life in general; and who knows, maybe tomorrow I will.

But right now, I’m just watching the new Twice Christmas MV over and over, hoping that the carefree vibes become contagious.

And I watch this one a lot too because Sana’s cuteness (and how everyone cracks up at her speaking part) makes me temporarily immune to depression. I’m going to try and take better care of myself.

In typical Chooch fashion, he waited until yesterday after school to casually mention that today was Ugly Xmas Sweater day. I know it’s hard to believe, but we don’t have anything here that qualifies, unless you count the crappy Xmas sweater that Trudy is wearing, but I’m not undecorating* the “tree” just so Chooch can participate in some dumb school spirit shit.

*(This is ironic because I had a meltdown Tuesday night and tried to cancel Xmas by talking ornaments off Trudy as Chooch followed me around and calmly re-hung each one.)

So we had to run out to Goodwill last night after dinner. Of course the selection was slim, being so close to the big dumb day, so I grabbed a $4 white and black sweater and figured we’d just add accoutrements at home. I suggested pinning a bunch of Trump faces to it but Henry was like, “NOT FOR SCHOOL.” But that would take home the ugly sweater crown for sure!

I found some leftover bulbs and had the bright idea to sew them on the sweater. I made it through one whole bulb-sewing before crying theatrically, “I DONT WANT TO DO THIS IM BORED” so guess who finished?!?! Hahahahenry.

Then Henry remembered we had some extra LED lights so he hooked Chooch up real good and maybe the sweater’s not exactly ugly, but it’s festive as fuck.

(Also, that sweater is Forever 21 and if ripping the bulbs off doesn’t completely fuck it up, I’ll take it.)

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Um, that’s all for now. Still not in the Xmas spirit but working on that sweater helped a bit and it was probably the project that inspired the least amount of arguing, so either we’re growing as a family or I’m too dead inside to get up in arms over DIY-stress, lol all the way down the chimney unless you get stuck first and break your neck like Phoebe Cate’s dad in Gremlins.

I had the day off today. This was actually kind of bad because it gave me too much free time; my mind kept reeling and I’d think about parts of Kim Jonghyun’s suicide note and how relatable it was, or I would remember the last time I saw my friend Tim who passed away last Thursday, or the way Chooch experienced an emotional break when I told him that Tim had died, and I would start choking on my dumb tears all over again while worrying about my friends who are hurting for different reasons and then I would just feel rage at how unfair life is — rinse, repeat. Add in my traditional seasonal depression and soul-sucking bipolar mood swings, and it’s been a real fucking party over here on Pioneer Ave for the last month or so. My contacts are SHOT from all the crying I’ve done recently, good thing I have an eye appointment on Saturday. (Ugh.)

Last night was really bad. As Henry was going up to bed, or as I call it – DITCHING ME WHEN I NEED HIM – I wailed, “I GUESS I WILL JUST EXERCISE AGAIN” and then proceeded to do some YouTube cardio workout while straight sobbing, I mean absolutely ugly-crying, while never breaking stride. Because all I have these days is exercise. My only release. 

There is a point to this. I’m getting to it, I swear.

I was looking forward to Chooch coming home from school though, and thought maybe we could walk down the street and get some hot beverages at the new café in Dormont. Of course he was down with this idea because that place can make a million different varieties of hot chocolate.

We were the only patrons, and the barista happily took our orders. This was our third time there since after Thanksgiving, so I think maybe she recognized us. While she made our drinks, Chooch yapped on and on about school drama, as usual. I felt like we were being pretty normal, and I at least wasn’t crying for once. Look at me, out in public and saying words, kind of!

When the barista went to ring us up, she hesitated and kind of stared at the register for a few seconds, I thought maybe she was trying to remember what we ordered or something.

“$4.55,” she said eventually.

“….for both?” I asked with moderate incredulity. I mean, that’s less than I pay for one latte at any of the places downtown on my lunch break.

“Yep!” she insisted, so I shrugged and handed her my credit card. As I was signing the receipt, I noticed her reaching her hand toward my hand. I thought she was just going to point out my finger tattoos, because that’s a thing that happens a lot and it’s OK, it doesn’t bug me.

But instead, her hand kept coming until it landed softly on top of my left hand. I looked up, trying not to show how startled I was, and she looked hard into my eyes and said, “Take care of yourself,” as she slid her hand all the way down to my fingertips. And it wasn’t just a casual thing, in lieu of a goodbye. Like, “Y’all take care now, ya hear?” No, it was more like, “It feels like you’re going through some shit, and I want you to take care of yourself.”

You guys.

I can’t explain it.

The feels.

I tried to act calm & cool while I reciprocated her sentiments, and then we all said Merry Christmas to each other as I pushed Chooch toward the door.

As soon as we got out to the sidewalk, my eyes filled with tears and I had this powerful uprising of emotion.

“HOW DID SHE KNOW I’M SO FUCKING BROKEN?!” I cried to Chooch, who shrugged and said, “I don’t know, I just thought she liked you or something.” I mean, maybe on a different day I would have gotten that vibe too, but this felt different. This felt like she fucking sensed that I have been going through the motions, stumbling through my days, putting on a fake smile while feeling so fucking isolated and alone even when I’m surrounded by people I see everyday.

I called Henry immediately and he was like, “Are you sure she wasn’t just flirting with you?” I MEAN I GET IT, I DON’T HAVE A WEDDING RING, HENRY. But let’s not cheapen this moment because it felt like goddamn magic. It was just the kind of human connection that I have been craving without even knowing it.  It was exactly what I needed, at just the precise moment, and now I need to work harder to get better.

The latte I got was a Snow Angel Cupcake. I don’t even know what that means, but I feel like it was served to me by an angel for real.

Yesterday was our little group’s Christmas lunch at work. It’s hard to believe that last December there were eight of us, and now there are just five. So much has changed in one year!

I was looking forward to getting out of the office. I’m going to be honest here – learning of the death of SHINee’s Jonghyun earlier that morning really fucked me up and I was low-key crying at my desk off and on all day at work. I wish I wasn’t this emotional, but…I’m a bi-polar Leo, you guys.

But, I had this lunch to distract me and I really like my work group so it didn’t feel like a drag like it has in the past when I worked for a different group within the department. PLUS, Amber promised that we could get our picture taken with Santa afterward, because our lunch was at The Yard in Market Square, right across from SANTA’S WORKSHOP! I have wanted this to happen so direly for many years, a group picture with Santa, and I have only ever been able to get two people to go with me on two separate occasions (once with Chris when she still worked with us, and once with Amber).

Lunch was good, but I was SO BORED for like the first 25 minutes because everyone was talking about the Steelers game from the night before and some catch that wasn’t a catch and I was like, “Cool but can we talk about me, now?” God!

I was too sad on the down low to finish my salad, and when the waiter brought me a box, I just kind of stared at it and mumbled something about wishing Henry was there.

“Do you want me to help you?” Amber asked, and when I said yes, she sweetened the pot by asking, “Do you want me to just do it for you?”

“YES!” I cried in relief, and Todd was like, “Oh for God’s sake” and Glenn was like, “STOP ENABLING HER, AMBER” and Lauren was just like, “Erin, you are the sweetest person I have ever known.” Or something like that.

This literally happened about 10 minutes after I had finished telling everyone that I was panicking over the weekend about the thought of Henry dying and how will Chooch and I survive, so I asked Henry if he can teach us to be self-sufficient, to which he responded with, “I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO!” Anyway, first we were going to start with me relearning laundry because he’s been doing it since we got together and I honestly would be fucked if someone dropped me off at a laundromat right now…..

….but then we were sitting on the couch, me crying for the 87th time over the weekend (it’s been rough for me lately), when I noticed the front door in my periphery and wailed, “No, first you need to teach me how to open the fronnnnnnnnnnnnt dooooooooooor…..” followed by major ugly tears.

So yeah, that was our Christmas lunch.

On the way out, we started to walk toward the whole Christmas Market thing but then turned and started to go back in the direction of work. I hung my head in a silent pout, not wanting to say anything because I was in such a bitch-baby mood that I chose instead to fester in disappointment so that later I would have something more to complain about because this is who I am sometimes, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

We were about halfway back to work (which is really only about a five minute walk) when Lauren said, “Oh no, we didn’t get our picture with Santa!” and I sadly shrugged and said, “I know. It’s OK.” And then sighed heavily for emphasis.

Glenn and Todd were like, “TOO BAD SO SAD” and kept walking, but Amber said to me, “Oh, why didn’t you say something when we left?” So then we tried to figure out another day to go back and get it done, because we had already been out of the office for longer than intended, but there wasn’t another day left this week where all of us are in the office.

So then Amber sighed and said, “OK, let’s do this now, but when we get back there you better get to work, Erin!” and I was like, “YES BOSS!!” as I happily jaywalked across the street and you all know how anti-jaywalking I am.

When we arrived at Santa’s Workshop, there was just one family in front of us, and two that were inside the workshop. The lady made us stay outside to prevent the workshop from crowding, and that’s when we all noticed that some dude from KDKA had rolled up with a cameraman.

Everyone but me freaked out. Lauren was trying to bury her face in her leftovers while shouting, “ARE YOU KIDDING, I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON THE NEWS,” Amber was like, “Goddammit, Erin,” Todd looked like he would FOR SURE rather be reliving the not-catch moment of the Sunday night Steelers game, Glenn was reading the Farmer’s Almanac he carries in his pocket (I don’t know, but that seems like something he would do while waiting in line) and I was on the verge of peeing my pants from laughing.

My first real laugh of the day and it was so needed!

Sorry it was at everyone’s expense. LOL j/k I’m noy sorry!

I don’t know if we ended up being on the news or not but the fact that my work friends were acting like they were on the lam was good enough for me!

Anyway, the whole rigamarole only took about 10 or 15 minutes, which I thought was pretty good. Santa really wanted me to sit on his lap and kept pressuring me but I was like, “CAN I JUST SIT ON THE ARM OF THE CHAIR INSTEAD, YOU CREEP?!” Just kidding, he was a cool Santa. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I really wanted to say G-Dragon but didn’t feel like getting into some awkward explanation so instead I just mumbled, “Music” at which point Glenn smugly said, “SHE LIKES KPOP” and I was like, “YEAH, AND WHAT OF IT, GLENN?!!?!?” UGH!

I look like a fat-faced mess, but this picture is everything to me right now! I felt like it was a great team-building exercise. Also, Lauren needs to teach me how to pose so effortlessly casual! She and Amber both look great in every picture while I’m trying frantically to smile in such a way that it won’t look like my chin is having babies.

Anyway…sorry if this is all over the place but welcome to my brain—we have postcards and magnets for sale at the front desk. And merry Christmas from us guys at the Law Firm! That little excursion really helped lift my mood for a bit. Sometimes going to work is, strangely, just what I need.

I woke up around 6:30, before my alarm went off, and instinctively reached for my phone. The first notification I saw was from Soompi saying that Shinee’s Jonghyun had passed away.

And then my Twitter feed blew up.

SHINee wasn’t my bias group but I do really like them a lot and even if I didn’t, this news still would have shattered me. And there was a SHINee song in my dream last night too! Which isn’t that unusual considering I have Kpop playing all night along – it helps me to wake up in a not-so-miserable mood, you guys.

Suicide is so jarring. I feel like I just want to hug everyone today and I hate hugs typically. Instead, I will just count down the hours until I can come home from work, bury my face in a pillow, and sob uncontrollably. And probably also drink some soju, you don’t know me.

Until then, I will spend all day dwelling on the whys of suicide, crying for his family, worrying about the remaining SHINee members.

Such a beautiful man. I hate knowing he was hurting so much. :(

ETA: Saw this on Twitter and ugly-cried my sad face right off.

https://twitter.com/frealuvsuga/status/942853540619411456

Everything was fine last night util around 11:30 when I began noticing it while laying in bed: the low-grade rumble of a radio that was not mine. One thing, a HUGE thing, to note about me is that I cannot stand hearing radio (more specifically – BASS) coming through my wall. I’m fine with it at a concert or in my own car, but there is something about it filtering through my wall that clashes with my sanity, creeps under my skin, flips my bitch switch. So what started out as a nice night quickly morphed into WHERE IS THAT COMING FROM AND WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL TONIGHT?!

Henry, of course, didn’t hear anything because he doesn’t have psychotic aural powers like I do.

Henry quickly assured me that no one was home next door, because we have decent neighbors post-Boots’ arrest & eviction, and Henry will do anything to preserve our docile relationship with them. He looked out of our bedroom window and noticed that there was someone (“a fat white guy,” Henry eloquently noted) sitting in a running car in front of our house. “It’s just this car out there. He’s probably waiting to pick someone up. It’ll stop soon.”

But what I heard was, “Some cocksucker is outside my house with complete disregard for the residents on this street and now he must die.”

Several minutes passed and he was still out there. It didn’t matter that I had Kpop playing on our own bedroom radio, now that I knew there was foreign noise flitting about outside my bedroom wall. In fact, it seemed louder now.

“It’s not even music he’s listening to, it’s talk radio,” Henry pointed out and I was like “I KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN’S TEACHER IS OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE SQUAWKING IN A BULLHORN.”

Another fifteen minutes passed and now it sounded like Rush Limbaugh was LIVE FROM ERIN KELLY’S BEDSIDE. Literally, my skull was vibrating in time with the monotone murmurs from outside.

“Let’s just throw a brick at his car.”

“NO. WE CANNOT THROW A BRICK AT HIS CAR.” Henry is so fucking quick to snuff out all of my brilliant solutions.

By now it was after midnight. My next plan was to go downstairs, whip open the front door, and stare at him menacingly from my front door. Except that I didn’t have my contacts in and all I could see was a maroon blob that was presumably the source of the commotion. I flicked the porch light on and off several times, hoping he would catch on to my impromptu signal for STFU AND GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE YOU CUNT.

This didn’t work so I threw on a coat and was ready to go out and confront this motherfucker face-to-face. Henry was quickly trying to get dressed in case he needed to follow me out and actually, god forbid, protect me. 

I had two strategies in mind:

1. Go out with proverbial guns blazing and scream my face at him
2. Fill him with guilt by sweetly telling him that my sick baby was trying to sleep and THIS GUY’S RADIO kept waking him up. I mean, Chooch was a baby once. And he’s kind of sick right now?

But then we discussed this and Henry convinced me that a personal visit was probably not safe because what if it escalated and knowing me, it would probably escalate. When I reach this level of irrational anger, I am a completely different person and feel invincible and want to fight the fucking world. And this guy’s talk radio was pushing me to let Erratic Erin out to play.

I HATE THAT I CAN’T EVEN BE MAD WITHOUT THE RISK OF GETTING SHOT NOW.

“Ew, are you wearing Chooch’s shoes?” Henry asked as he noticed my Midnight Confrontation Costume: winter jacket, bare legs, Chooch’s tennis shoes.

And then I realized that EW GROSS yes I was wearing Chooch’s shoes WITH NO SOCKS time to burn my feet off.

But before the feet-incineration, I started pressuring Henry to just call the police.

“ISN’T THAT WHAT THOSE BASTARDS ARE THERE FOR? SO PEOPLE LIKE US, HARMLESS CITIZENS, DON’T HAVE TO RISK GETTING A FIST IN THE FACE BY CONFRONTING PEOPLE ON THEIR OWN?”

Plus, it was now 1:00am. That guy could have cruised up to our house straight from the bar, who the hell knows.

So Henry, knowing that his night was over no matter what option was chosen, reluctantly called the police and made the most petty complaint of all time, right next to when our other neighbor called the police because someone’s car was blocking the driveway by a centimeter and a beaten-down cop had to go door-to-door to find the owner of the car.

After Henry made the call, we went back up to bedroom to see if anyone would actually come. Henry’s your basic middle-aged white man-bitch who has the police scanner app on his phone, so that was turned on with a quickness. There was lots of reporting of a girl in red pants and a green shirt running through traffic on the Liberty Bridge, clearly one of Santa’s elves, so that was exciting. Then we heard the dispatcher bleep in about an ordinance call from our address and we perked up.

“I’m in Brookline,” some copper chimed in and we were all OH SHIT ITS ON. Well, I was all OH SHIT ITS ON. Henry was too busy stepping inside his ever-growing frown with a bindle stuffed with his balls and a few issues of Good Housekeeping, and hitching a ride to What Have I Done? Town.

Within minutes, a cop car rolled by slowly, inspecting the scene.

Before that cop had a chance to turn around, another cop pulled up and stopped across the street, shining a light at the PERP.

Then another cop rolled up with lights blazing, and by then the first cop had turned around and come back so now there were three police cars outside our house, shining lights at the perp’s car.

Seconds later, the guy’s radio went quiet and the cops were gone.

“Good job, Erin,” Henry mumbled. “Now we’re marked as the house who makes petty police calls.”

“You should have given them Hot Naybor Chris’s name and address! They’re used to getting those calls from over there,” I laughed, and then spent the next 10 minutes cracking the fuck up while Henry tried in vain to fall asleep.

“Wait—I think I hear it again!” I yelled.

Henry looks out the window and said, “Well he’s not even there anymore, so….”

I guess at that point, the noise was just embedded in my ear drums.

But just to summarize:

Amount of cops sent when a lunatic was trying to bash in my old neighbor Boots’ door last year, threatening to kill him: 0

Amount of cops sent last night when we called about a car parked in front of our house for over an hour with the radio blasting at 1am: 3

Today is Saturday and here are some snaps of Drew. Yes, Penelope is still here but she has been avoiding the paparazzi. So, just Drew. (Also, please enjoy my sick bed-making skills up there. I AM A DOMESTIC GODDESS.)

(This is rare because our bed usually is never made. We live like college students over here on Pioneer Ave, you guys. Come sit on the floor with us and eat ramen some night.)

She is still very much Chooch’s cat (that is, no one else can hold her but him) but she and I have developed our own little thing together in which I stand behind a wall and pop my head around the corner, make eye contact with her, then slowly retreat. She gets REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS and will slowly creep toward me while making squirrel noises.

It even works if I just sit on the couch with a pillow over my face, like some strange game of peek-a-boo. Chooch is so pissed because finally something that doesn’t include him!!

I had the day off yesterday (it’s my yearly rush to use up my extra PTO before I lose it) so Drew and I had a lot of time together. It was an exhausting day of ruining Chooch’s puzzle, knocking a brand new candle off the table & shattering it thirty seconds after I put it there, climbing on Trudy & almost toppling her, and relearning the sights and sounds of the kitchen like she hasn’t lived here for two years. Honestly, she and Penelope both acted like they had never seen the kitchen before when I was in there making coffee Friday morning, and were too afraid to even cross the threshold!? Finally they came in, all jumpy and skittish, and then slowly remembered, “Oh, this is the room before the back porch that we have walked around in a million times in the last two years.” And then Celine Dion started singing.

Gotta go, Henry just came home from spray-painting new-to-us dining room chairs which need to be done BY DECEMBER 30TH, IT’S CRUNCH TIME MOTHERFUCKER, and I think he wants to dance to Kpop with me because I just overheard him singing along to “If You Do” by Got7.

I’m off work today and yet here I am, writing about work. Here are a few Reporting From Work moments that I want to remember, because these things always help remind me that at the end of the day, office life is alright. Except for…

The Great, Horrible G-Dragon Kidnapping

Late Wednesday afternoon, Wendy and Sue were talking to me at my desk, probably about how fantastic I am, or maybe that’s what I was talking about, when Sue noticed my BIGBANG coffee cup. Wendy said, “Yeah, show Sue that other G-Dragon thing you have on your desk,” referring to the vinyl thingie that I bought at H-Mart and once adorned the G-Dragon Countdown calendar that Lori made:

I used to have him taped to the side of my computer monitor, but then he kept falling so now I just leave him to the left of my keyboard. I instinctively reached for him to show Sue, but my hand GRASPED NOTHING BUT EMPTY DESK-TOP. That was weird, I thought. I never move him from that spot. So I started shuffling things around, yanking drawers open, moving bottles of fake blood out of the way, tossing fake fingers over my shoulder…I even checked in my Fiji Mermaid’s fishbowl.

I immediately accused Wendy of this because she thinks G-Dragon is dumb and was it just a coincidence that she brought up that G-Dragon keepsake? I THINK NOT.

Sue backed away slowly, clearly not wanting to implicate herself in whatever Great American Crime Story I was writing up in my head. Wendy profusely swore that it wasn’t her, and by now word was spreading that G-Dragon was missing mostly because my voice was getting louder and more hysterical by the minute. Todd walked past to go to the refrigerator and I cried, “TODD DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY G-DRAGON IS!?” and he was all, “What G-Dragon?” because now people were conveniently playing dumb and acting like they had NO IDEA what G-Dragon relic I was talking about.

“IT’S THAT VINYL THINGIE OF HIM! FROM WHEN HE WAS AT THE CHANEL FASHION SHOW LAST YEAR!” I kept using this as the clue that was really going to drive it home, jog that person’s memory. Like someone was going to exclaim, “Oh yes! The one of him in that confusing not-quite-beret!” But every single person I said that to just looked at me like I was a crazy person.

Naturally, my next guess was Glenn. I didn’t see it on his desk and I didn’t want to go through his stuff EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE APPARENTLY HAVE NO PROBLEM GOING THROUGH MINE so I started searching in shared areas, like the supply closet, expecting to see GD’s beautiful, shining face peering down at me but NOTHING.

This continued on when I got back to work yesterday. I immediately confronted Glenn and he was actually scared a little, I think. I think he knows better than to ever, EVER, move any G-Dragon artifact from my desk. He swore profusely that it wasn’t him and the fear in his eyes made me believe him. Lauren suggested that maybe it was Aaron, and I started to consider this and then without any evidence at all, I had him pegged as the perp. When I came back from getting water in the kitchen, I noticed that the supply cabinet door was left ajar – a notorious indicator that Aaron had been creeping around. He never shuts that door all the way! So I flung it open and started digging through things again, thinking that maybe I had actually overlooked GD when I was searching that cabinet the day before, and Aaron had come over to see if his work was still in play.

I still didn’t see anything, but I did find some soft Cars-themed balls on the bottom shelf, and Lauren excitedly asked me to throw her one. I thought we were going to have an impromptu game of Monkey in the Middle since this happened near Glenn’s desk, but then she never threw it back to me. I think she wanted it for her dog.

ANYWAY. I went back to my desk and moments later, I could feel Aaron’s presence nearby, so I spun around and hysterically asked, “AARON DID YOU TAKE SOMETHING OF MINE.” He seemed shocked at first but then coyly said, “Maybe…” but he was just playing along and actually had no idea what I was talking about so then I had to describe the missing GD and once again the Chanel fashion show did nothing to help.

“What did it look like again?” Lauren asked me a few minutes later, and I cried, “WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SEND OUT AN EMAIL!?” and she was like, “Um, no, I was just going to ask anyone who walks by….”

Anyway, I never did find him and I’m honestly beginning to think that I probably accidentally moved him somewhere, threw him out (Lord help me) or maybe he was stuck to my purse or something one day when I was leaving and I dropped him outside I AM THE WORST KEEPER OF G-DRAGON. But! At least I can just easily get another one (all the Kpop shops sell those things) and I’m thankful that it wasn’t the GD doll my mom got me, or the GD keychain Maya made me! Those ones are not replaceable.

“Erin’s Not Going to Know.”

Wednesday, while I was running around with my hands in my hair, interrogating people about the whereabouts of G-Dragon, I overheard Wendy say to Jeannie, “Maybe Erin Kelly knows” and Jeannie responded with, “Erin is NOT going to know!” This stopped me in my tracks. Challenge accepted! I called out, “Wait — I might know!” and immediately prayed it wasn’t something work-related that was going to illuminate my dumbness.

So Wendy started with, “Do you know that toy with the ring that goes around your ankle—-”

“SKIP IT!” I cried.

“Yeah! That’s what it is!” Wendy laughed, and I guess Jeannie was looking for one for her niece for Xmas but couldn’t remember what it was called, so then Jeannie and I looked at all of the options on Amazon and I was feeling so sad because I loved my Skip-It unconditionally, and even had one in my early-20s, but it wasn’t as good as the original one from the 80s.

“If it’s something an 11-year-old girl would like, of course Erin would know what it is,” Wendy said and then everyone within earshot got a great laugh out of that WOW SO SOON AFTER G-DRAGON WENT MISSING, EVEN.

Anyway, I kept going on and on about how much I loved Skip-It and how great I was at it, and finally Jeannie was like, “Oh my god, do you want me to buy you one, too?!” and I immediately said yes so I hope she wasn’t joking because I’m going to be waiting for this to appear on my desk every day from now until Christmas.

Secret Santa Reveal

We did our Secret Santa Reveal event yesterday and I am now safe to scream from the hilltops that I was Amber’s Secret Santa! And Wendy was mine! What a perfect scenario!

Of course as luck would have it, neither Amber nor Wendy were in the office yesterday, so Carrie gave me my gift from Wendy and then someone Facetimed Amber and made me open her gift while she watched through the phone and it was pretty awkward like being on a stage except we were standing in an empty hallway.

Amber had coffee/tea, Qdoba, and plants written on her idea list, and I decided to go the tea route because my childhood friend Chris (not of Chronica fame) is a beekeeper and I have been meaning to buy some of his sweet honey (literally!) for some time now. So one of the gifts I put together was tea-themed, with some type of loose-leaf tea blend from India because she likes Indian things, a tall tea cup thing and these little cuties:

Honestly, we got to do a honey sampling and I was like, “Can I move in here? I’ll help you bottle this stuff all day long.”

And then for the last gift, I wanted to combine all three things on her list into one, at which point Chooch suggested getting a tortilla and filling it with dead plant parts and tea bags. I went with my own idea though, sorry Chooch. Maybe if I was BARB’S Secret Santa, I would have used his idea, though.

I topped it off with some of the TOPSHELF, $8.99 a pound mystery candy from the weird international market by my house.

Eastern European Candy PSA

Speaking of weird mystery candy, I also filled up a bag from the $4.99 shelf for the rest of my co-workers to “enjoy” out of the Plastic Pumpkin of International Horrors. I got several that were large and had some generic Disney prince and princess on the wrapper. For some reason, I want to believe that the bigger the better, not sure where I could possibly be getting that from, so I had high expectations for these ones. I treated myself to one yesterday afternoon and immediately turned to Glenn, making the HAVE I BEEN POISONED??? face.

“This might be the WORST candy out of the whole bunch!” I cried. And Lauren just brought back durian toffee from Thailand, so this is a huge statement on my part. Let me try to describe it:

The base looks like a peppermint patty. Just a chocolate circle thing. The top has four small mounds of what I later learned was “cookie biscuit” when Lori read the wrapper out loud. An interesting structure that I was excited to bite into! But inside the chocolate, which by the way was one of the worst attempts at chocolate I’ve ever had, was that awful firm jelly shit that masochistic confectioners like to slip inside candy sometimes. I don’t even know what flavor the jelly was supposed to be. Raspberry perfume? But when shit really got deep was when the notes of the “cookie biscuit” swam to the forefront of my palate. I couldn’t imagine what I was tasting, but it was familiar. And not a flavor you want in your mouth when you’re eating something sweet. I was standing up at this point, unsure if I should spit it out, google the Poison Control number, write a letter to the President of the Ukraine and demand that the inventor of this candy be incarcerated.

And that’s when I realized that the taste in my mouth WAS BLEU CHEESE.

Chocolate candy with a bleu cheese aftertaste!!! NO, UKRAINE. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

***

Well, that was going to be the end of my work update, but then I was getting ready to leave the house to walk to the post office, I put my hand in my coat pocket and wondered what the strangely-shaped object was that my hand had grazed, and this is what I pulled out:

BUT HOW!? Either I did this by accident (but I honestly don’t remember and there was nothing else in that pocket that could have potentially been next to it on my desk that I would have intentionally grabbed while accidentally grabbing G-Dragon at the same time) or SOMEONE IS SABOTAGING MY SANITY. I’m off work today but you can believe that this investigation is far from over.

(Also thank god he turned up because I couldn’t remember what these figures are called when I was trying to find one online to buy.)

It’s snowing in Pittsburgh so I feel that sharing this song is apropos and #moodAF. I watched the video this morning before walking to the T so that was two days in a row I had mascara running down my face before work.

Zion.T is so good. Chooch and I saw him at KCON last spring and he was such a golden highlight.

This song makes me miss living in my childhood home that had two fire places. I feel so cold and sad. But I’ll be okay.

Bulletpoints for any chingu of mine who’s into that shit. (That originally said “whose” because I AM SO SMRTZ.)

• Secret Santa started today! I’m not really into Christmas this year but I did sign up for Secret Santa because it’s good old-fashioned office fun and we could definitely used that shit up in here always. I already mentioned that I’m happy with who I got and I put a lot of thought in my choices. So today, I got in and there was nothing on my desk. That’s OK! Some people work different shifts so this happens. I got up, made some coffee, talked to Carrie for a bit, and came back to my desk. “Aw, there’s still nothing here!” I cried to Glenn like a baby, but then I noticed a red gift bag on the floor next to my desk! I was so excited! I started tearing out tufts of tissue paper and unearthed a Kenneth Cole toiletry bag. I thought it was weird that it was a standard camel-colored leather and not like, flamingo pink or gold glittered, which is my style, but I loved it nevertheless! I opened it and tore out the compacted wads of stuffing while regaling Glenn with a tale from my golden youth. Here I’ll tell you:
• • My grandma had this friend, JEAN ARSONEUX, who once gave me a white purse when I was around 5 years old, and when I opened it, it was chockablock of small toys and things like Bonne Bell lipgloss and what was that kids’ nail polish called that peeled off? That stuff, too. So then I just assumed that all purses came stuffed with things but SADLY this has not happened to me again. The end.
• Back to Secret Santa. I was showing Glenn my new bag and said, “YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WITH THIS? TAKE IT TO KOREA WITH ME AND FILL IT WITH KOREAN BEAUTY PRODUCTS!” and then Glenn said something about hoping I get stopped by TSA and that reminded me of ANOTHER story from when I was 11….
• • ….and got food poisoning in Rome, Italy and my aunt Sharon went down to the hotel restaurant to get me rolls and other starchy things for breakfast so I wouldn’t puke. I mean, this was the last day of vacation but it still went down in history as the Time Erin Ruined Vacation which would make family members ask, “Wait, but which time though?” Anyway, we left Italy the next day to go home and Sharon got whisked off into some holding cell/interrogation room because SHE FORGOT TO TAKE THE BUTTER KNIFE OUT OF HER PURSE from the hotel and it turned into a whole terrorist thing and my pappap was so pissed and Sharon was crying and I was cracking up and frantically scribbling all of this down in my travel journal and my grandma was all, “OH HONESTLY SHARON AND ERIN!!!” Spoiler: Sharon got to come home with us.
• Seriously, back to Secret Santa for real this time. A few minutes later, [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER] came over and was all, “Can you put that bag on [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER]’s desk for me?” And I was like, “So this isn’t mine?” And [REDACTED] was all, “No, sorry, I thought you were in the kitchen and went in there to tell you, but you weren’t there” and I was like, “No because I was over here OPENING A PRESENT THAT WASN’T MINE!” So then we had to take the tissue out of my garbage can and restuff the toiletry bag that isn’t mine.

• I accidentally took a puzzle piece to work with me the other day and I thought Chooch was going to jump out a window. There have been no puzzle updates since the last.
• Today is our dept holiday food party thing apparently. I had fruit and then a piece of some kind of raspberry bread thing and didn’t even go to the other food tables because I know I have some sort of eating disorder where I’m not anorexic or bulimic but the thought of eating food and gaining weight terrifies me. I mean believe me I still eat like a pig, but it’s mostly all homemade Korean food that Henry makes me which is 50% vegetables, 25% gochujang, and 25% kimchi. Add this to my growing list of issues. :/
• • I eventually went back and made a small plate because I felt guilty for not eating.

• Speaking of Korean food, we’re going to have bottles of BIGBANG tea for all the lucky guests. And then everyone can keep theirs forever as a souvenir and stick flowers in them like I do at work. (OK I only did that once when Henry sent me flowers to embarrass me and also to apologize for exacerbating my bi-polarism.)
• This is some linguistic nerd stuff but there is this part of Taemin’s Press Your Number that I always thought was “Girl there’s something about your body body body” because it’s not unusual for Kpop to have some English sprinkled in there. But then I happen to glance at the captions during one of his live performances of that song, and I noticed that it wasn’t “body,” but “바래” which means “hope” according to Google translate which I have learned is not always accurate. I was confused because I thought that the ㄹ sound was something more of an r/l so why was this word pronounced in a way that sounded like “body”?! Then I started thinking about Arirang radio, a Korean radio station I listen to, and how that’s also pronounced with a slight “d” sound (“Ari-dong”) so I was FREAKING OUT and UTTERLY CONFUSED. “Maybe I should ask Talk To Me In Korean to explain it,” I said to Henry before I went to bed last night, after trying to explain this to him. I didn’t do that, because you know how shit like that goes — I got distracted by some Soompi alert or something, I’m sure. BUT YOU GUYS. When I woke up this morning, I looked at my phone and saw THIS – HOW DID THEY KNOW!?!?:

• Anyway, I watched the video and now I’m even more confused because my tongue is incapable of making all of these intricate sounds I AM SUCH A BARBARIC AMERICAN UGHHH.

• My top two Instagram posts above were actually videos – that G-Dragon one was viewed like 50,000 times. And the other one is Twice at KCON! I love that the two most-viewed/liked things for me in IG were both Kpop-related because that for sure defined my year and when things got rocky elsewhere in life, at least I had that to fall back on like a warm fucking made-in-Korea blanket.
• Oh wow, how shocking, another day, another comment from Glenn about a Kpop guy being a “pretty little girl.” Such open-mindedness around here!

• GUYS LOOK WHAT CAME! MY SECRET SANTA PRESENT! I love it. And this is way more my color-scheme than the brown toiletry bag I thought was mine for 5 minutes. “Good, now you’ll stop whining,” Glenn said and I was like, “Yeah but now you guys have to listen to me be excited and thrilled over my adorable beverage vessels.” And also, I wasn’t whining! I even said that worst case scenario, I would probably just have TWO things to unwrap tomorrow, because I am not an ungrateful brat (just to Henry…and Janna too a little).
• • Lauren just came over and said “What cute vessels!” and I had to pull this up and show her that’s exactly what I called them on my blog! What a strange wavelength.
• Speaking of Janna! She got a new job right next to my building so now we can like go to lunch or yoga (not yoga) together like real working ladies do.

• Just sitting here at work sick to my stomach thinking about what’s going in these Alabama elections. Fuck Roy Moore forever.
• Oh shit one night last week someone with a headlamp knocked on our door so I screamed & ran upstairs because I thought it was a coal miner but it ended up just being a Verizon guy and Henry was all “I can’t talk about your great deal right now, but please come back” & HE DID COME BACK after Henry left for the “store” so then he was out there knocking & I wouldn’t answer because I’m not entirely convinced he wasn’t a coal miner.

• I was craving soondubu jjigae so Henry was all, “ALRIGHT, I HEAR YOU” and took me to Nak Won Garden for lunch on Saturday and I felt whole again. The playlist they had on was amaze, like being at home – Ailee, IU, Sistar, BTS…in fact, a Korean couple came in and sat down at the table next to us, and in Korean, the girl said, “It’s Bangtan Sondonyeon” to the guy and I was like, “YES – I UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE SAID.” When the owner brought out the banchan (side dishes), I immediately snatched the kimchi and slid it closer to me and Henry was sad. Henry ordered tonkatsu but did not eat it as handsomely as Taemin.
• • But oh lord, that jjigae was exactly what I had been lusting after and it burnt my tongue in ways I would never usually allow.
  • Mamamoo was playing as we left. Great playlist, Nak Won! It put me in such a great mood for the rest day even though part of the day involved shopping which I hate.
• But speaking of Saturday, that evening, we moved the furniture out of the living room and had FAMILY KPOPX NIGHT which was the second time this has happened and it is so much fun (for me)! I made an hour-long playlist on YouTube of various k-dance workouts and then we dove right in. Except for Henry, who kind of just hung in the back, flopping around. But at least he didn’t stop moving! I’m trying to get them to do this with me at least once a week but there’s been a bit of push-back.
• The one thing that has stuck, at least, is that Chooch goes on walks with me everyday. I take at least three walks a day because I’m insane and it helps me calm down when I start to feel like I’m losing control. And Chooch tags along because we always have good conversations BUT THINGS WENT AWRY ON OUR SUNDAY NIGHT WALK. I don’t remember how it happened, but it was in front of the teen outreach center thing where Chooch started to get an attitude with me over cheese sandwiches and I was like WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I ATE WHAT MY MOM MADE ME FOR LUNCH YOU’RE SUCH AN ENTITLED JERK and he denied that he was that, so I started walking faster than him because that’s how I act when I’m mad – like a scorned teenager! On our way back home, I yelled, “I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M ON MY DEATH BED SO I CAN REMIND YOU OF ALL THE TIMES YOU BROKE MY HEART!” and then he was like, “WHAT IF I DON’T EVEN SHOW UP?!” and then we both started laughing and everything was OK.

• Drew knocked the candy cane out of Trudy’s hands yesterday morning and she is so lucky she’s Chooch’s cat because her ass would have been out in the street j/k I love cats and can’t stay mad ever.
• It’s cold out today and snowing so Glenn was barely outside on his break. When I was getting ready to go out for mine (I try to spend my lunch hour walking around town no matter what the weather is like) I asked Glenn how long he was out for. He said about 10 minutes so I was like, “OK, then I’ll try for 12 so I can beat you.” I went outside and called Henry who was like, “Why are you outside, fool?? It’s cold!” and I told him I had to outlast Glenn. He was like, “Wow” and then I talked to him for 25 minutes about everything I hate today before yelling, “OMG I JUST FELL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!” and then my phone died because the cold air kills it every time, and I didn’t get a chance to tell Henry that I didn’t actually fall, I just ALMOST fell. Now he’s probably pacing, wondering if I’m dead in the middle of whatever road that is that’s a pretty popular road because it’s downtown but I don’t know road names. Oh well, I guess he’ll find out if he ever reads this blog post. (He won’t.)
• In case you were wondering if Smokey Robinson is still alive, he is. I know this because Henry and I had a mild argument about it over the weekend and I won.
• On our walk Friday night, Chooch blurted out, “I’m so glad you’re not a Pinterest Mom.” Same, Chooch. Same. Also, that was a nicer walk than Sunday’s.
• Oh shit, did I tell you that I finally got half of deep-cleaning done at the dentist last week, and I’m not, in fact, losing my teeth? I know this because I asked the hygienist and she was like, “NO! Why do you keep asking that, calm down.”

• Oh you guys, my phone just turned back on and look at the texts from Henry, HE ACTUALLY CARES.
• One day last week, I was in Rock n’ Joe’s for a chai latte. I don’t normally go there because it just doesn’t really do it for me, BUT two of the nearby Crazy Mochas were fucking packed with people like really, at 2:30pm? Come the fuck on! I almost never have to wait in line for coffee/chai. So Rock n’ Joe’s it was. As I was waiting for my chai, “Sex & Candy” came on and I was like, “*BARRAGE OF MARCY MEMORIES*” But then the barista started singing it in front of me and I just lost all control of my filter and blurted out, “MY CAT WAS NAMED AFTER THIS BAND & I’M ABOUT TO CRY” because I’m either cripplingly introverted or flinging out unfiltered facts willy-nilly, no in between “Aw…well, um, that wasn’t our intention,” the barista said, like I was going to sue them or something. As I walking out, I heard one of the other baristas ask her what all that was about and she was like, “CRAZY CAT LADY ALERT” I don’t know, I couldn’t hear. I mean, at least I didn’t show her my tattoo but that’s mostly because I was wearing a coat.
• I was going to tell another lunch break story but then remembered LUNCH BREAK TALES so maybe I should just wait until I have more tales to tell and then we’ll do that.

OK, I’m over 2,000 words and none of this is great.

Hey, today wasn’t terrible but as far as Mondays go, it was up there with some of the Monday-est. I think I have some major holiday blues.

I’m stressed and bitter and I just can’t wait for it all to be over.

At least a new Twice MV was released today though so I got to watch that before work, and then just now Henry was walking out of the room during a live performance of Taemin’s “Press Your Number” and he was trying to be cute by dancing (I think that’s what that was) except that he tripped over the coffee table so that was a nice good laugh that I sincerely needed.

OK I’m going to do sit-ups now or something because the only time I don’t feel like I’m going to punch a hole through the wall is when I’m exercising or watching Kpop videos or, my favorite, both at once.

안녕하세요!

During our daily walks around the ‘hood, I’ve been learning a lot about Chooch’s life outside of our house. Sometimes I wish I could shadow him for a day because he tells me these stories and I’m like WHO ARE YOU.

So this post will be interspersed with stories and facts, because I’m going to force him to answer some questions.

Such as:

Question: What’s your current favorite song?

Answer: “New Rules” by Dua Lipa

Mr. Gray & Cindy

Chooch is friends with this younger kid down the street, we’ll just call him Pita for anonymity purposes, and also because Henry has him as a contact in his phone as Pain in the Ass. Anyway, every time he comes home from hanging out with Pita, it starts out the same: PITA AND I HAD A FIGHT BECAUSE [insert some awful injustice served to Chooch].

Last weekend, he came home and started immediately with, “Pita is so annoying! I was walking Mr. Gray—”

“Whoa,” I interrupted him. “Who the fuck is Mr. Gray?”

“Cindy’s cat,” Chooch shrugged, desperate to continue his tale of woe.

“Who’s Cindy?!” I asked, and when Chooch said she lives next to Pita, I realized she’s the same lady whose old cat Teddy knocked up my cat Marcy back in 1999, which is how Don and Willie came to be. (RIP to all.) So I kind of know her.

Turns out, Cindy pays Chooch 75 cents to walk her cat and on this particular day, it was because she was trying to eat breakfast and Mr. Gray was bothering her.

I don’t remember what about this situation caused Chooch and Pita to fight because I was too fixated on Chooch getting paid to walk a cat named Mr. Gray.

Also re:Cindy, Chooch told me that he recently mentioned to her that her old cat Teddy was the dad to two of our now-deceased cats and she denied the probability of it which is confusing to me because that’s the only interaction I’ve had with her, was when we were talking about being kind of related now because of our cats and it was like such a cute Stars Hollow moment but now she’s acting like this is an incredibly non-truth. Is she suddenly worried I’m going to ask for back kitten support??

Question: What is your current favorite Kpop song?

Answer: “Wolf” – EXO

Chooch vs. Greensleeves

Chooch’s school has this thing called the Trifecta Awards, which happens twice a year (I think?). It’s based on grades, perfect attendance, and citizenship, whatever that means. Chooch has won it multiple times, including this current time, but the ceremony is during the school day so Henry and I couldn’t attend. Chooch reminded us all last week that we’re shitty parents (duh) and mentioned in passing that he also played the piano during the ceremony, which was news to me. He said he played Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy and Greensleeves, and we left it at that, but then earlier today he casually said, “I only played half of Greensleeves and then said, ‘That’s all I know. Bye’ and left the stage.”

WOW THAT’S MY SON, LADIES & GENTS.

Question: Do you think the Mexican taco cart guy likes me?

Answer: I don’t know. You’re obsessed. Yes, sure.

Rob’s Firecrackers

One night a few weeks ago, Chooch came barging in the house. “Rob’s in his backyard lighting firecrackers with a cigarette!” he panted. Chooch is always on Neighborhood Watch and in this particular instance, he was on the hunt for Pita, because Pita’s mom didn’t know where he was. Anyway, he found Pita with Rob, who has lived on this street longer than me but I never knew his name until Chooch became such a boy about town and befriended everyone in Brookline. The first time I learned who Rob was when Chooch casually told me that Rob pays him five bucks to help carry the groceries in the house for his wife, who is Chooch’s neighbor nemesis, maybe even more so than Larry.

“I have to go tell [Pita]’s mom that I found him,” Chooch yelled as the door was shutting behind him. Then he came back and asked where our leftover firecrackers were because Rob’s wife wasn’t home (Chooch calls her the Witch because she yells at him for being in his yard all the time and I’m kind of like relishing this payback because when I first moved here, her son was Chooch’s age and he TERRORIZED ME) and Chooch wanted to join in the pyro-action while he had the chance. So he collected some small firecrackers we had and then split.

Did I mention that this is the same guy whose house was on fire a few months ago?

Fun fact: Rob’s wife is Cindy’s sister!

Fun fact #2: Chooch still has all his phalanges and eyebrows.

Bus Driver Beef

In addition to the lunch lady, the gym teacher, and the librarian at the Brookline public library, we can now add GIFTED SCHOOL BUS DRIVER to the list of Chooch’s on-going beefs. He told me last week that he was sitting with Dang (pronounced: Den; he’s Vietnamese) and Dang kept pushing him so that he was nearly falling out of the seat. He pushed Chooch off the seat once; the bus driver looked in the mirror and GLARED AT HIM (his words — he’s telling me the story again as I type this), and then focused her eyers back onto the road. Then she kept making VERY SHARP TURNS and it was so rough that he fell off the seat AGAIN and she looked in the mirror AGAIN and glared even WORSE. And then she did it again and he fell off the seat AGAIN. She looked in the  mirror again and yelled, “IF YOU FALL OFF YER SEAT ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SIT UP HERE WITH ME SO YOU CAN’T FALL OFF YER SEAT.” He wants you to read this to yourself with a strong Pittsburghese accent, you guys. Chooch looked at her and rolled his eyes and went back to the convo he was having with Dang. I fell off again and she looked in the mirror again and glared the worst yet but she didn’t make him sit with her. They finally got to the gifted center and when he walked past her to get off the bus, he said, “I wasn’t falling off on purpose.”

“YES YOU WERE. NO ONE ELSE WAS FALLING OFF THEIR SEAT!”

He hopped off the stairs and said, “‘No bitch, it was your fucking driving,’ Just kidding, I didn’t say that. I said, ‘It wasn’t my fault’,”

And that was Chooch’s story in his words but written by me.

Question: What question should I ask you?

Answer: I’m not answering questions about questions!

Question: OK favorite hobby I guess.

Answer: Right now it’s pretty much playing games on Kongregate.com.

Puzzle Update

The puzzle is still not finished. Chooch spends more time re-piecing the parts that the cats have demolished that actually assembling any new sections. I was on the phone with Henry during my lunch break on Thursday when he said, “Oh, wait for it….wait for…” and suddenly I heard a blood-curdling scream in the background. Apparently, Chooch had come home from school and found his puzzle in even worse condition and had a mental breakdown over it. So then I had to stand there in the middle of downtown with the phone to my ear while he and Henry fought about the puzzle because Chooch was mad that Henry saw the puzzle in such a state and didn’t try to fix it and Henry shouted, “IT’S NOT MY FUCKING PUZZLE!” so now we’re about to have a fucking family meeting (maybe even in a courthouse at this point) to come up with a solution because Henry wants the puzzle off the table but there are no other tables to move it onto so Chooch suggested buying a card table to put on the backporch so that the cats won’t bother it when it’s unsupervised because we can close the door, but Henry doesn’t want to buy a table and I personally don’t care either way because I lost interest in the puzzle a day after we got it. Actually, probably that same night.

So that’s where we are with that.

Question: Are you embarrassed of Trudy?

Answer: No she looks badass now with the gas mask because you can’t see her stupid face.

Question: when did you stop believing in Santa?

Answer: I either watched a video or you guys accidentally did something, I can’t remember.

(I probably told him in the middle of a fight haha.)

Well, we’re both bored with this now and I want to do jumping jacks so goodbye.

I just decided to do this now at 9:37 so let me quickly catch you up on the riveting events you missed. Keep checking back for more! YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN ESPECIALLY ON MY LUNCH BREAK.

• I watched Taemin perform “Day & Night” on Music Bank whole Chooch made puzzle pieces soggy with his tears.
• I texted Henry death threats because he left a shoe in the middle of the floor and also made me walk to the trolley in 20 degree weather.
• I purposely wore a navy blue lightweight thermal shirt to work today because I bought this adorable cape to wear over top of it but as soon as I shut the front door behind me I realized I left the cape on the couch and YOU KNOW HOW I CANT UNLOCK MY DOOR. Ugh, the tragedy that is my life.
• Came to work and in lieu of any morning salutations, I dove right into my cape-tastrophe. “IT HAS BUNNIES ON IT AND THE HOOD HAS BUNNY EARS” I cried. “That sounds like my three-year-old’s bath towel,” Glenn worthlessly chimed in. “YEAH WELL MY CAPE IS FROM CHINA!” I yelled. “So is her bath towel probably.” Ugh.

9:51am: We just picked our Secret Santa names and I am so pleased with who I got! SEE I TOLD YOU SOMETHING EXCITING COULD HAPPEN!! I wonder who got my name.

10:09: Today is jeans day and I just want everyone to know it’s because I begged for one yesterday. YOURE WELCOME, COWORKERS.

10:30: We were just talking about the shocking conclusion to my apple thumb saga, because somehow Todd missed the ending and innocently asked for an update, so Glenn got to relive the story about my bandaids being on too tight.

11:30: I picked a boring day to liveblog. I should have done it yesterday when Lori was wearing a cool pair of vintage 90s chunky-heeled boots she found and then realized halfway through the morning that they were disintegrating and she was leaving boot crumbs all over the department. I suggested that we try to rebuild the soles with the leftover bling I have from the G-Dragon table, but then she realized that the bottoms of the soles were jacked too so there went that great idea. :(

11:33: I wonder how many times people catch me sitting at my desk, silently mouthing along to Korean Instagram captions and then quietly celebrating when I’m able to understand what it says.

11:36: Glenn is eating his lunch. I bet it’s a bologna sandwich.

12:24: Now I’m eating my lunch too. I almost always just have Cream of Wheat because it’s something easy that I can handle. Today, I’m eating it with a banana and honey, as well. I usually put cinnamon in there but THERE IS NONE LEFT IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN. I’m not sure if this is supplied by the firm because there has always been cinnamon in  the kitchen in the entire 7 years I’ve been here, sometimes two things of cinnamon even, and now…none. This is worse than when we ran out of the honey that Gayle brought in and I had to go out and get my OWN HONEY to keep in my desk and now cinnamon too? When will it end?! I can’t handle these grocery issues.

12:50: This is my current desktop background because I’m 14

Everyone here just ignores it now. That’s for the best.

1:02: I hope my Secret Santa gets me a Korean tutor.

1:40: Glenn just came back in from outside. I asked him if it was super cold and he said “just like it was this morning” but I couldn’t remember what it was like this morning at first until I scrolled up and re-read the first part of this blog post. ALL HAIL THE POWER OF LIVEBLOGS. Speaking of weather, here’s an actual convo that happened Tuesday on the elevator:

Me: Tomorrow is supposed to be really nice!

Tracy: I thought it was gonna be cold?

Me: I dunno I just saw a big sun when I checked.

Lauren: Do we need to teach you how to understand weather forecasts? #probably

I’m just really bad with weatherly things.

2:10: I’m at Gasoline Street getting a maple brown sugar latte and I hate everyone in line with me because The Postal Services cover of Against All Odds is on & I’m tryna listen to it. Instead I have to listen to these bitches are talking about how bright their futures are and I’m like let me help darken that shit for you.

2:43: I’m back from my lunchtime walk. Here are some things that happened, in addition to the coffee-getting:

• Henry and I had a huge fight on the phone over pizzelles! He acted all shocked when I said I didn’t like them so that’s nice to know that after 16 years, he’s ignored this huge, defining fact about me. He was like, “Why don’t you like them?” and I’m all (cover your eyes, pizzelle-lovers, because I know you’re out there in droves gunning for me right now), “You mean besides the fact that they’re the peasants of cookies?” and he was all, “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT” like he’s some 90-year-old Italian bitch selling them on the street so she doesn’t lose her cottage. Then he went on to gush about how much he loves them and I was like, “Of course you do, because you have the palate of a fucking Pilgrim” and people near me on the street where like wtf is this girl jawing off about.
• I accidentally littered and there were witnesses!! I was running across the street (I jaywalk now sometimes, can you believe it?) and the top of my (empty) latte blew off and I was torn between stopping to pick it up and continuing on to the sidewalk before getting smashed by a car. So I let the latte lid get smashed by the car instead and I felt terrible. I even yelled, “I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST LITTERED” and people at the nearby bus stop were like, “OK.”
• Some guy with a big beard wearing a blue hoodie and carrying a backpack definitely stuffed with hacky-sacks waved merrily to me, like he was the Santa of headshops. I waved back. I’m not always a bitch. (This sighting wasn’t a coincidence because it happened in front of that weird stoner coffee shop.)

3:52: Sorry, I was doing work. But then I sold a BTS Christmas card! I feel so blessed. I love my Kpop Kards line.

4:18: Approximately two more hours before I get to meet Barb for dinner! AND I AM REALLY HUNGRY. Also I think that offices should have soft rock playing gently from the ceiling at all times, because it gets too quiet in here and then maybe the real Against All Odds will come on and everyone will unite in a shared love of Phil Collins.

• Speaking of Against All Odds, Chooch came home from piano lessons last weekend and cried, “GUESS WHAT SONG I’M LEARNING!?” and here is a picture even though you’ve already guessed:

Chooch has the coolest/best piano teacher ever, sorry to you other piano teachers out there.

5:26: ALMOST TIME TO LEAVE. This day was fine until the last hour when some dumb project came in at the last minute, stupid work, just kidding I love my job.

8:17: Hi guys I just came home from dinner with BARB! We went to Gianna Via’s and I uncovered some new information about Barb:

• Barb “discovered” salmon at McCormicks and Schmicks.
• There was a guy there in a plaid shirt that Barb kept staring at and murmuring about. “Oh, he must work here,” she said at one point and I blurted out WHY, DO YOU LIKE HIM? “No!” she cried defensively. “I said that he looks like someone I used to work with!” That means she likes him. Whenever it was time to leave, she was taking her good old time getting her stuff together so I made it to the door before her. As I was standing there waiting, I watched her walk past Plaid Shirt and TALK TO HIM! I was so excited to point this out when she walked over to the door and she (again, defensively) yelled, “I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT HIM UP CLOSE TO SEE IF I KNEW HIM!” She likes him.

I had to take a picture of us before we left, for liveblogging purposes, and Barb was excited to wear her new sunglasses for the picture. OH BARB. Also, I made Barb look at a gif of Taemin eating and she was not impressed.

Now Chooch and I are walking to CVS so maybe I will have more liveblog fodder when I get back, you just never know.

8:48: Brookline sidewalk shrimp.

9:02: Oh hi Chooch and I are back from our nightly walk about the town. I had a lovely conversation with my favorite CVS clerk, John, while he rung me up. We talked about how we can never phone numbers, but he can remember his best friend’s number and had to call him once to ask him for his own cell phone number because he forgot it and I told him that I can’t remember any phone number from the last decade, yet I still remember my grandparents’ landline that I haven’t used in like 20 years.

Also, Chooch randomly blurted out, “I’m so glad you’re not a Pinterest Mom.” Same, Chooch. Same.

Then! I saw my Mexican taco cart boyfriend and got my hand stuck in my coat pocket when I was trying to wave hello to him and Chooch was like “wow you’re so slick.” Then Chooch was rejected when he asked to pet someone’s dog and I secretly rejoiced because his dog-petting is such a burden to me; it puts me in awkward social positions where I feel forced to then make small talk with the dog owner and I hate it I just hate it ugh.

But now we’re home, annoying Henry, and I’m probably going to sign off for the night because it’s KPOPX TIME, WHUT WHUT.

Wow, another pointless liveblog! You’re welcome.

The other day, Taemin announced another comeback for this year and my heart burst! His Move album is being repackaged with 4 new songs and one of them was released today with a video on Naver, which was posted RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT FOR WORK so I got to watch it and weep.

I love it.

I also love that I have totally pulled Henry down into this with me.

Me: I like Taemin better with dark hair though what about you?

Henry, sighing as his Man Card wafts away into the ether: I guess.

He even admitted, without thinking about it, that his favorite Taemin song is “Move.”

We have so much fun in our house, you guys, but strangers would probably be like THE FUCK YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT. For instance, today I was like, “OMG I forgot that Minho was on that one episode of Running Man where Ji-Hyo was force-feeding Gwangsoo jajangmyeon” and Henry was all, “Oh yeah, I remember that one” and then laughed to himself at the memory of it.

Even when I said, “Instead of a Christmas party, let’s just have a small Korean dinner party after the holidays”, he was like, “Yay sounds good.” But then when I created the dinner party event thing via Facebook Messenger, I had to get Janna to add henry because I still have him blocked and the last time I logged in to unblock him, I got distracted and never finished, and then I didn’t realize that I was reactivating my fucking account ON MY BIRTHDAY so then it looked like I was being an attention whore, which I am of course, but only accidentally that time. Ugh, stress.

I think this is the closest and most shared-interest-y Henry and I have ever been. It only took 16 years!