Oh diary, dear diary, you might recall that I had the day off on Monday. I didn’t really do much other than go to the dentist (ugh), read more of two books that I was trudging through (they ended up being BACK TO BACK 1 STAR READS), and go on two long walks – once around my ‘hood and then after lunch I went to Jefferson Memorial.

I know most cem-enthusiasts would choose a place like Allegheny Cemetery or Homewood Cemetery as their fave graveyards for the gothic, historic aesthetic. But my favorite is Jefferson Memorial in Pleasant Hills. It has more of a park-feel, and no above ground headstones or crypts. BUT, it is where my birth dad, grandparents, and Aunt Sharon live. It is also where I learned how to drive with my pally Lisa (my parents absolutely refused to teach my ass and I subsequently didn’t get my license until I was nearly NINETEEN because my mom “didn’t trust me.”).

Actually, here is a clip of that amateur drivers ed class because I just found a VHS of high school footage in the attic, which is evidently just a gigantic treasure chest for mementoes and memories.

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I tried to “relax” after I was done walking (apparently had five miles under my belt at that point which someone on Instagram commented that I must not be human, walking that much in Vans and I honestly didn’t even notice that I was wearing Vans as opposed to whatever types of tennis shoes are made for walking). Relaxing is extremely hard for me. I sat here for MAYBE five minutes. MAYBE. This is my favorite area of all of the cemetery though.

I thought this was in focus when I took it but now I can see that it clearly was not. Good thing I finally made myself an eye appointment for this Saturday. WOW WHO AM I?? A dentist, eye, and hair appointment all in the span of one week-ish?? Am I an adult now? Me thinks so.

OK, I have to be stupid/sappy/cringey here for a second. While I was clomping around the cem in my Vans, I suddenly felt VERY SAD and lonely. Kind of wistful I guess?? I dunno that I have ever really thought about that sort of feeling but I think I was having it that afternoon: WISTFULNESS. Wow, now I’m imagining myself standing on a windy cliff in Scotland on an overcast day, with a veil blowing in the frigid breeze, staring into the sea.

WISTFULNESS.

Let’s not get carried away, Erin.

I realized that the cause of my weird empty-pit feeling was that I wished dumb Henry was there.

In this exact spot in 2001, I was having a Really Bad Day / Borderline Breakdown (it’s near my birth dad’s grave & I was having an identity crisis). For some reason, I called Not-My-Boyfriend-Yet Henry on my NOKIA cell phone, & he came to the cemetery to calm me down. He brought me a bottle of water, which I promptly choked/drowned on. Something about that moment must have made him think, “this girl is a MESS. I’ll stick around, see how this plays out.” Lol. Anyway, we were at the same spot together a few weekends ago so I RECREATED that moment.

Pretty sure I have referenced this moment in here before, but a quick run-down of the full story is that I was still dating my then-boyfriend Jeff. Just that day, I had been reunited with my birth dad’s mom and aunt, having no contact with them at all after my dad died in 1982. I had absolutely no memory of these people, and it was really jarring to sit there and hear good stories about my birth dad when I had spent my whole life up until then either being told about all the horrible things he had done or just flat out or just having everyone act like he never existed, like I didn’t grow up not knowing who my dad was.

So, it was VERY emotional for me that day. I was supposed to have plans that night with Jeff, so I called him from my car on the way back home from this bizarre reunion. I was pretty rattled and cried a little bit while recapping the afternoon for him. His response was something along the lines of, “Well, if you’re going to be all upset and crying, let’s just hang out another time.”

What a sweetheart!

Instead of going home, I stopped at the cemetery. I found my dad’s grave (my mom had showed it to me once when I was a kid and I remembered the general area, but I spent a good while shambling around like a zombie until I finally spotted it) and sat there, just absolutely losing my mind and mourning the loss of a dad I barely knew, for the first time in 20 years.

I had a boyfriend who wanted no parts in supporting me while I tried to process this new family and information, and a co-worker/something more who dropped everything when I called him, told me not to go anywhere, and met me at the cemetery with a bottle of water. Dude, choose the person who cares about your hydration. Choose them every time! Obviously I dumped Jeff very soon after this and then, well, THE REST OF HISTORY *vomit puke barf*

****

Back to 2022. So I was feeling all “wah wah” without Henry and thought, “Hey. I will call him. That is what cell phones are for.” So I did and he was really short with me and being annoying because he was “WORKING” so then I quickly fell back down to earth and just like that, WISTFULNESS CURED, MOTHERFUCKER.

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Good eve. I took these photos ten years (!!) ago when my old friend Andrea was visiting.

I’ve been thinking about refreshing these shots for a while now because I was never satisfied with the original ones and today after work I finally felt motivated to search the computer for the raw files (ok Henry to help me lol).

Anyway, I remember this being a really fun day so please enjoy these old relics from when Chooch’s cheeks were chubbacious and he was front-toothless!

Fun facts: these were taken at the same cemetery where Night of the Living Dead was filmed.

Chooch was REALLY into zombies back then and used to shamble around saying, “they’re coming to get you, Barbara” and also was in a heavy phase where he liked to watch YouTube videos of people walking thru Spirit Halloween to the point where some of my friends started making their own walk-thru videos for him.

That hearse just literally rolled up out of nowhere while we were taking pictures and dude driving was like WOULD U LIKE THE HEARSE TO BE IN YR PICTURES. I didn’t feel like edited the other ones with the HEARSE CAMEO, please forgive me.

Wendy was also on site, as a standby Chooch handler.

Henry was there too and did nothing to help.

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Last fall, I bought this charming circus-core shirt from Unlogical Poem, thinking that I could wear it on my first day back to the office if that happened over the cooler months. Um, obviously that did not occur. So, aside from one work video call during which absolutely no one commented upon the adorableness of said WHIMSICAL BLOUSE, I have never had a chance to wear it. And this bitch cost some coinage! So since my hair looked halfway ok today and the temps were unusually chilly for May, I used the upcoming FORGOTTEN HOLIDAY in this house, otherwise known as MOTHERS DAY, to coerce my LOVING son to be my photographer. It took a whopping 60 minutes out of his day and he was such a bitch about it.

I grabbed some “props” on the way out of the house because yes these things are always in reach. Chooch was excited because the elastic of the party broke as soon as I put it on so he thought this meant we could leave but I was I WILL FIX THIS and as I struggled to tie knots in the elastic, I sang my dad’s favorite tune, “They Don’t Make Things Like They Used To,” accidentally leveling up in the BECOMING AN ELDER game of life.

Fuck.

I told Chooch to “try and get some interesting angles” because he was so busy texting that every time I was like HELLO I AM READY, he would barely even look at what he was doing when he lifted up my phone in his other hand to snap the picture. It was pretty annoying and I think 15 year old Chooch is my least favorite edition so far.

Fun fact: these pictures were taken in the Union Dale Cemetery, which is where we used to have all of our traditional Xmas Day picnics before relocating to the Homewood Cemetery which is closer to Pink Box, where we like to snatch up from DELECTABLE ASIAN BUNS.

Another fun fact: Shortly after this picture was taken (another of Chooch’s super flattering “interesting angles,” Chooch pointed out that I had a huge dandelion stain on my chin, like A BIG PEE STREAK that would not come off no matter how hard I rubbed it with my sleeve so of course he was like OH WELL LET’S GO SO SAD. To be fair though at least he pointed it out because Henry would have just let me continue standing there having my picture taken. I mean, he’s taken pictures of me before where I had food in my teeth or my mascara is smeared and he has said literally nothing do you know why it’s because he barely looks at me long enough to notice.

SAY I’M WRONG, HENRY.

I took this one myself because Chooch was making me nervous. Also, I bought that ring a long time ago, like over 10 years ago, at the Mattress Factory and then lost it for many years and recently found it in the bathroom closet and I was so happy but I still don’t wear it very often because the ring part is wood and it looks like it could break at any moment.

Those fucking dandelions. My nose was burning and running all afternoon because of them!!

Wow, more jumping.

Me: What should I do? This?

Chooch, not even looking: Yeah. Sure.

SO FORLORN. I probably thinking about all the roller coasters I didn’t get to ride in 2020.

My friends Kevin and Lizzy sent me this old ass book several years ago!

This is my favorite one because I look content and I wonder if that’s what I really look like when I’m reading a book but Henry and Chooch will probably tell you that no, Book Erin is angry and scowling because she hates being interrupted.

I just really love this shirt so much!!!

I think this one is also a very accurate REAL LIFE depiction of me because I am in a constant state of UGH WHY ME I’M SO BORED UGH and can often be found half-collapsed in ennui, like I just fainted onto a couch.

I don’t know why I kept trying to make this hand-monocle pose a thing but it really wasn’t working and Chooch kept glaring at me.

Jillian Michaels trained me to jump so now I try to jump whenever possible to make her proud. For you, J-Girl.

Some car was slowly cruising by at this moment and I felt like a real dumb stoop.

Another selfie was Chooch was too busy texting his friends that he gets to see in person now at school yet doesn’t talk to apparently.

Oh, these tree pictures were real fun and Chooch and I didn’t fight at all.

I took this of him so he could see what I wanted and do you think he got the idea? NOPE. He just started screaming about how this was all a ruse for me to take his picture after he EXPLICITLY stated that he didn’t want his picture taken. BOO HOO.

Literally was in the middle of talking here but I liked how the rest of the picture looked so oh well, when does my face NOT fuck up a picture. Keeping it.

Oh well. As Phil Collins would say: THAT’S ALL.

 

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Actually, this is just really an excuse to post the rest of the pictures I took that day, haha.

After we left Palmer Park, we drove back into Monongahela and grabbed some sandwich action at Sheetz, which we took to the Monongahela Cemetery and devoured in front of the chapel. How have I never been to this cemetery before?!!? It’s gorgeous! When I lived in Jefferson Hills in my first apartment, I used to go joy-driving in this area all the time (because gas was like 95 cents a gallon) and I somehow NEVER NOTICED the entrance to this cem!!

Well, you better believe we will be having future Family Times up in this boneyard.

Chooch found THREE geocaches in this location. Only one was the good kind with a prize though. I can’t even remember what it was that he took, but he replaced it with this religious finger puppet that I bought years and years ago when I held my own unsanctioned Easter event at work.

There was a rogue turkey gobbling around this part of the cemetery and we had fun gobbling back at it. I think we were just delirious after the encounter with Pantera Guy.

 

The other geocaches with fake pine cones tied to two different trees! It was really hard to get the capsule thing out of the one pine cone and I broke a pen trying and then I couldn’t put the pen back together because I’m bad at pretty much everything that requires even the tiniest effort so Chooch snatched all the pieces off me and proceeded to reassemble the pen in .000002 seconds and then he shamed me, which was rightfully deserved I guess.

WE ARE BOTH GETTING SO OLD UGHHHHH.

Then I made him take pictures of me pretending the tree was my prom date.

He’d say things like, “You’re making a weird face in this one. You look fake in this one. You won’t like this one” which I appreciate because HENRY DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS. Like, he will let me smile real big for a closeup while I have spinach in my teeth and then act like he didn’t know and maybe that’s true because HENRY THINKS I’M HIDEOUS AND NEVER LOOKS AT  ME.

I made him take another one without my mask around my neck, lol.

Honestly, isn’t this tree so handsome?!!?

Even though geocaching was involved, it was still a really beautiful day. LOOK AT THIS UNFILTERED SKY, BOIIIIII. I was in such a swell mood (lol) that I even told Chooch we could stop for one last geocache on our way out of Monongahela, and this one was supposed to be by the river right past the Sheetz we stopped at.

I mean, the river is super gross no matter how you look at it, but the area was pretty cool. There were like bleacher-type steps you could sit on and …. what? Watch people fish? Gaze at the barges passing by? I dunno, but now that I know it’s there, maybe I will eat my Sheetz lunch there next time I’m in the area!

ANYWAY. Would you believe that the clue led us to another one of those stupid dog poop things?!?! But there was nothing there! According to the info for this one, the owner of the geocache recently had to re-hide it but said the clues were the same?! And people left comments about how when they tried to put it back it got “lost in the abyss”??? I was like, “Bro, I’m not sticking my hand in the actual waste basket part of this thing, if that’s what that clue means” and even Chooch was like, “I know right” but I think we were both silently thinking that if Henry was with us, we’d make him do it.

Chooch left this super professional, detailed comment about how he was unable to find it and I was like, “Wow, you definitely have a little bit of Henry in you” because I’d have been like “The FUCK kind of clues are these? There wasn’t SHIT there! Awful geocache! REPORTED!!!”

Then we drove home and I realized that I am A LOT like Henry’s mom all of a sudden because I narrated the whole drive with, “That used to be a movie theater. That bar used to serve me when I was 19. I got pulled over here when I was 20 by the state police for doing double the speed limit in a construction zone and they searched my car and I had to go to court but the hearing was delayed because the one cop got shot and then my mom knew the chief of police and arranged for me to get off with a warning but I got super mouthy and indignant with the magistrate and my mom was kicking me under the table and the cop was silently doing the Dave Coulier CUT IT OUT hand motions at me and then the magistrate was like HAVE FUN PAYING THIS FINE, HON.”

To summarize: WHAT A GREAT DAY!

Chooch found five geocaches! I found none!

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It was the epitome of “Indian summer” here in Pittsburgh over the weekend, so I tried to spend as much time as possible outside because pretty soon, every blog post is going to start with my signature whines and cries of OMG I HATE WINTER EVERYTHING IS GROSS AND COLD. Gotta soak up the sun while it’s still radiating warmth, you know?

I haven’t gone to the cemetery by myself in a hot ass minute so while Henry was doing chores at home, I headed off to my favorite boneyard, Uniondale, armed with an audio book (“Night Swim”) and head mercifully empty of negative thoughts and impending doom and gloom for once (this probably won’t last long but I was still basking in election afterglow).

I was really enjoying my quiet time when some utility-esque truck rolled up and two guys got out. One of them was wearing Henry clothes (ugly pants with ugly shirt) so I could tell he was some sort of maintenance worker man….I mean, the walkie talkie in his pocket was also telling. We exchanged pleasantries the first time we passed each other but then when he walked past me on another part of the trail, I kept my eyes on the ground because one hello is enough, you know? We’re established now. Let’s not get carried away.

I’m obsessed with chonky tree trunks.

In my perfect world, spring would start at the beginning of February and go until the beginning of June. Summer would be June to the end of August. Autumn (and I mean true autumn/sweater weather, every day between 50-60 degrees and leaves staying yellow and red through the whole season) would be September until mid-December. Winter/Shitty Days would be mid-December through January. That way all those OMG SNOW YAY weirdos can have their moment, too, I guess. But in my world, winter HAS NO GRAY SKIES. Every single winter day has got to have blue skies and sun.

And all amusement parks stay open with all rides running because the temperature will never dip low enough to render coasters inoperable.

After cruising around the cemetery for a bit, it became clear that the worker guys were not leaving anytime soon (I think they were just doing a sweep of the grounds?) so I cut across the street and walked around the other part of the cemetery. Uniondale is divided into three sections by streets so it seems like there are three separate cemeteries in that area but they’re all the same. I definitely prefer the one I started out at because it’s more secluded and less likely to have other people there. Not on this day though!

But then in this part of the cem, a tree cutting service was loafin’ all up on one of the paths!!

I mean, doesn’t this just look like the perfect November day? Except that it was like 70 degrees!

I didn’t encounter anyone in this cemetery (not sure where those pesky tree cutters were), but once I went back to the other section, I ran into that walkie talkie again and he STRUCK UP A CONVERSATION WITH ME so I had to hold up a finger while I paused my damn audiobook and I’m all for exchanging pleasantries, but we had already done that! Anyway, he started interrogating me on my walking habits.

“You walk a lot?” he asked, and I said yes and then he said, “About how much?” and I’m like, “I mean….every day?”

Like, did he want actual stats? Should I add him on FitBit?

“‘Cause I seen you walking here, and then I seen you walking all the way over there on the other side, too!” he said, pointing over at the cemetery on the other side of the street.

I mean, I get around, I guess. Oh, those trusty feet o’ mine.

“You come here every Sunday or something?” he pressed and now I was getting concerned even though it’s always been my dream to get picked up in a cemetery, you know, but the “you come here often?” line? Really?

I mumbled something about coming here every now and then, and then awkwardly veered onto another path so I wouldn’t have to keep walking with him.

Luckily, there was a couple chilling nearby in the grass with their dog, so I wasn’t like, fearing for my life or anything.

LIKE I WAS THIS ONE TIME!!

Then I came home.

Later in the afternoon, I threw a fit because it was still so beautiful out and I wanted to have family fun time and also get ice cream to celebrate, you know, election outcomes. We went to Bill’s in Elizabeth and they REALLY SKIMPED ON THE CRUNCHIES.

Chooch had to walk away once Henry reached the cone part of the ice cream experience. Chooch REALLY HATES mouth sounds.

Then we went to a playground in Cedar Creek park!

It took us a billion tries to get this picture! It was like a really sad tuba consolation since we haven’t been able to add to our collection of traditional family carousel selfies this year.

I couldn’t stop laughing because Henry & Chooch accidentally matched, lol.

Then we got stuck behind a pickup truck with a Trump flag billowing it like a visual fart, and we were making really exaggerated barfing noises but then I was like, “wait…did that flag say Trump 2024??” Like, they already knew that the big orange crybaby was going to lose and had a 2024 flag on standby?

Anyway, we had a lot of fun walking on the trail, and Henry was especially excited when he heard A REMOTE CONTROL TOY JET that someone was flying in the distance. Chooch and I were like, “That’s not that great.”

On the way back to the car, we saw a bald eagle! Chooch was like, “This feels symbolic…”

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Henry and I have a pandemic tradition where we go for walks in cemeteries every weekend while listening to an audio book together, which I am sure I already mentioned but everything just melts together lately like a clock in a Dali painting so who can be sure what I divulge anymore.

Last weekend, we went to this one cemetery in Greenfield called Calvary Cemetery, which I hadn’t been to since Chooch was a baby, like a fresh-ass BABY baby, and I just remember pushing him in his stroller and he was screaming his face off and I was probably wading through post-partum depression waters, if we’re being frank here, and I was like OMG SHUT UP I HATE YOU UGHHHHH and then never went back to that cemetery. I told Henry this cute little anecdote last weekend and he just stared at me. But look at our well-adjusted 14-year-old! I did ok! We moved past it!

Prior to that, there was this other time we went there, pre-Chooch. I vaguely remember it being winter because I tried to sled down a hill without a sled, and I was totally manic but not in the fun way, and then we came home and I tried to create a recipe by swirling peanut butter into scrambled eggs, and I think I got sick so maybe that’s why I never went back to that cemetery in all of these years? Bad associations?

Well, this time it was so lovely (and I honestly recognized NO PARTS of it) that we went both Saturday and Sunday! Usually we go to different ones but I was like, “Nah dude, let’s go back to the same one.” Maybe it was because I was really vibing with the book we were listening to (Love From A to Z), but wow, I was in a great mood on both days, the weather was beautiful, there were other people around but not enough to be alarmed, and it was just a really peaceful place.

I’m so excited that Henry has been so agreeable about listening to audio books together. I let him check out my Libby shelf during the week so he can choose one to start for the upcoming weekend, and it’s pretty adorable. He didn’t pick “Love From A to Z” though – I did because it was about to expire and this definitely isn’t something he would have chosen because it’s YA romance but also fairly heavy-hitting with Islamophobic themes.

Anyway, the majority of this book takes place in Doha so then we started watching Doha travel videos and OMG when will we ever be able to travel again. Sorry, sometimes I just have to get my meaningless complaints out of my system and let my perspective regenerate.

I had to pause the audio book numerous times while we were casually strolling around the cemetery because I was getting so angry about the way the Muslim character was treated and I kept screaming at Henry, “DOESN’T THIS PISS YOU OFF??” and he just mumbled something that sounded curiously like, “I’m a white privileged male.”

Honestly though, I have really been looking forward to these weekends because they are the only times I get out of the house (aside from casual walks around the neighborhood during the week) and it’s fun pretending like Henry and I are in a book club together even though he doesn’t usually bring much to the table opinion-wise…

Chooch won’t come with us because he doesn’t want to listen to books with his lame parents, fair enough lol.

This was a good book, you guys. I thought it was going to be a fluffy YA romance but nope, there’s substance here! I’ll include it in the next bunch of books I review for Asian Readathon, don’t you worry!

I don’t think anything else ground-breaking happened last weekend, except that I remembered the name of this one Japanese horror movie that Henry and I watched back in…2005?? And for years, the only thing I could remember was that there was something with a cello player and also there was a scene where a little girl was forced to watch her parents have sex and I thought it was from a locked closet, so I googled, “asian horror cello parents make girl watch them have sex” or something and I found it! It was called Strange Circus which you would think would ring a bell in my brain but it doesn’t, and also, the girl was forced to watch the parents from inside a cello case, so there’s the cello connection! I’m so happy I finally remembered!

But also I’m very sad because I know for sure that we rented this back then from Incredibly Strange Video still existed and Henry and I used to walk there because it was like 10 minutes away and we were bros with the owner who would automatically recommend new horror he obtained to us and that is how I watched some of the best foreign horror and bizarre student horror films in the early 2000s and sure everything is at our fingertips now thanks to the internet and hundreds of streaming services, but nothing can beat that feeling of walking into a small independent video store and bullshitting with the long-haired man behind the counter, renting shit that sometimes didn’t even have a cover.

Goddammit, I miss that. :(

 

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I had a mental health day scheduled for today. The place where I work encourages that we use our PTO during these homogeneous, blended-together-into-a-flavorless-smoothie days and I’m normally of the mindset that I won’t take a day off unless I have something to do, but look Linda, give me a day where I don’t have to sit at my home computer and join group calls and I will gladly take it.

Henry came home early because of house bullshit, and then we took an hour drive out to this old-ass cemetery I used to really like called Livermore, because I figured we’d be pretty safe from other humans out that way. Anytime we have ever gone there, it’s been, well, DEAD OH HO HO HO HO. Plus, there’s a nice walking trail nearby that takes you over the spot where some town was purposely flooded and now it’s called Devil’s Seat, I don’t know, I’ve only ever quickly glazed over the facts but the whole area is supposed to be haunted and I fucking swear to god that the first time Henry and I went pre-Chooch’s Earthly Arrival, something grabbed my pant leg.

JUST SAYIN’.

Anyway, enjoy some pictures. It was a dreary day (I think it’s been that way every time we’ve come here) and we almost turned around and came home halfway there because I was being bitchy and whiny. A regular day.

YEP IT’S STILL CREEPY THERE.

Choochy Loggins.

This is just how he looks at me now. 14 is so great. 13 was too.

Right before I took this, I walked over and pretty sure Henry was trying to count the rings on the tree which is such a Henry thing to do.

Some kind of gross tombstone funk. Henry probably knows what it is but I purposely didn’t ask him because he’s so annoying when he knows answers.

My mom joked, “school field trip lol?” But yeah, actually let’s go with that! There’s like history here, plus Professor Henry pointing out wildlife. I think this counts. Maybe I’ll have Chooch research the town flooding and blog about it separately.

Coincidentally, I was checking my blog stats on the way there (I like to see what’s being viewed so I know if I’m being stalked by past friends searching their name on my blog, or if Jonny Craig is in the news again because the views on my JC-centric posts will skyrocket in that case, lol) and I saw that one of my old Livermore Cemetery posts was just viewed today! WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

Chooch chucked a pine cone at me really hard and it hit the back of my thigh and I started screaming and then Henry yelled at Chooch HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I WIN.

It didn’t even hurt that bad.

America: IT IS WEIRD WHEN ASIANS WEAR MASKS.

Also America: GUYS CHECK OUT MY ETSY FOR HARRY POTTER PANDEMIC MASKS!!!!

Fuck America.

This tombstone looks like the tooth (OMG RIGHT WHEN I TYPED ‘TOOTH’ THE BOOKTUBER ON A VIDEO I HAVE ON IN THE BACKGROUND SAID ‘TOOTH’ WHAT DOES IT MEAN) of a baby giant.

We did not keep out.

LOL.

A bunch of trees were cut down from the perimeter so it doesn’t have as much of a secluded feel anymore.

Which is too bad.

Ah, springtime in the haunted boneyard.

All in all, it was a fine day. Chooch found a geocache but couldn’t open it and then apparently we “left him” so he threw it back on the ground and ran and it wasn’t because he was “scared” or anything. It *almost* felt like the Old Days because we were in the car for more than an hour like we were actually going somewhere. Which is what you used to do.

Go somewhere.

*cries*

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In an effort to get out and beg the sunshine to help ward off depression, Henry and I have been really taking advantage of the beautiful cemeteries here in Pittsburgh, and it’s been kind of nice because we used to take walks in the boneyards a lot in the early years of our relationship so it’s kind of a throwback. And I really love cemeteries so much in the springtime – you get to enjoy all the pretty flowers and foliage without dealing with crowds that you’d find in the city parks or public gardens (or wherever we would normally go to look at nature, it’s been so long, I can’t remember), which is really relevant in the age of social distancing. However, we would typically be the only people there, and now we’re one of like…6 or 7, which is odd for these places (we go to the smaller ones) so now we just pretend like we’re dodging zombies.

 

The cemetery we went to on Saturday was one that we used to visit a lot way back in the beginning of our relationship and I actually haven’t been here in a while because there were some times I’d roll up solo, get out of the car, and almost immediately get REALLY BAD VIBES. Like legit “Somebody’s Watching Me” skin-crawls. 

Therefore, I felt like it would be the perfect locale for Saturday’s stroll because Henry and I had started the audiobook for “I’m Thinking of Ending Things” (I also read along on my Kindle, but you guys, if you’re going to read this, definitely get the audio too, you’ll know why when it happens) and this book is tense. I definitely recommend it. Henry and I sat on the back porch late Saturday evening and powered through the rest of it because we couldn’t wait until the next day. I kept saying, “One more chapter?” and then finally I was like, “Maybe I can just speed up the audio?” and we ended up finishing it right after midnight, on the back porch, with the kerosene heater on, and it was so cozy and scary! 

Chooch kept coming out to check on us and he was like, “IS HE SLEEPING OR CLOSING HIS EYES TO IMAGINE WHAT’S HAPPENING?” and just couldn’t accept the fact that his dad was listening to an audio book with me, haha. 

Henry, when I’m like, “let’s read a book!” And then after we finish it, he starts googling for info about the upcoming film adaptation, lol.

What a great day for a cemetery walk! The next day, we went to a different cemetery but instead of listening to a new audio book, I jawed Henry’s ears off with stories from my past, which he just loves, especially when they involve BOYS. 

I’m glad that the sun was out on both Saturday and Sunday. It’s hard enough staying home, but even worse when it’s gray and rainy. I feel like I’m on the ledge enough as it is, at least give us some sunlight for Christ’s sake. 

Mrs. Drew Beringer.

If we’re going to be stuck at home, at least we have a small sanctuary in the back of the house that’s pretty worthless during winter but now it’s SO INVITING. 

I don’t even know what else. The weekends are just extensions of the week at this point.

We’re home. We leave only to take carefully plotted and strategic walks. Maybe Henry will put his mask on and go to the store for essentials. But mostly, we’re here, we’re doing nothing but something being extremely loud about it. We’re watching K-dramas (Itaewon Class and Welcome are my two current faves), eating things that Chooch bakes for us, I’m obsessing over my Libby shelves and examining the house for new projects for Henry (I want him to redo the entire kitchen in a cost-effective way because we don’t own this house but I really can’t stand the kitchen any longer and now that Chooch is all about baking, he’s echoing all of my FIX THE KITCHEN demands). 

What are you guys doing to pass the time? I feel like March was the longest month ever but somehow, against all odds, April is flying past. Maybe I’ve grown accustomed to this new lifestyle.

 

LOL, nope. Never. 

Oh! Also, you know it’s dire straits when I succumb and play Heads Up with Chooch because I hate that game so much and every time he sees people playing it when we’re standing in line at amusement parks (OMG what is an amusement park), he’d be like, “PLEASE CAN WE PLAY” and I would always say no because I get too heated to play shit like that around so many strangers, but anyway, we’ve been playing in the evenings sometimes and it’s fine. Everything is fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. We’re ALL FUCKING FINE.

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Hello from the other side of Christmas! I still have that ubiquitous holiday hangover that comes from too many cookies, days off work, and spending quality time with favorites (the cats, obviously). So while I’m still trying to get my head out of the clouds, here is a photo story of Chooch and me not being able to jump at the same goddamn time yesterday during our annual Christmas in the Cemetery thing that we do. Henry was ashamed.

I mean, is it us, though, or is it really Henry being too slow to take the damn picture.

I dunno, man. I had a lot of energy yesterday.

I was really trying not to pee.

I almost broke my ankle on this one.

You would think that with all the rockstar jumps that Jillian Michaels had us doing (apologies again to our neighbors, Blake and Haley), we’d really excel at this.

Chooch just walked by and mumbled, “wow” at the memory of these.

Maybe our 2020 resolution should be to practice this every day.

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Ugh, it was so cold on Christmas and while I would have preferred to stay inside, keeping warm with non-stop kpop workouts, I dragged Henry and Chooch to the cemetery because even though we cut out the hassle of the Christmas picnic this year (which sucks because how magical would cemetery kimbap be!?), I still wanted to get some photos of Chooch — you know, TRADITION, etc etc.

But it was extremely ill-planned and painfully cold, like “Call CPS, these idiots are forcing their kid into a frostbitten state” cold.

So we wrapped it up after about 15 minutes and decided to just wait for a day when it’s warmer than in the teens. Plus, Chooch’s pants had cat hair all over them, so….

Hope it’s warmer where you are, friends.

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Today is Mother’s Day and it was fine. Nothing spectacular. We’re all lethargic a little from our Cleveland day trip yesterday, which always seems like no big thang until it’s 2:30am and we’re just rolling into Pittsburgh and I say “we” because I do everything short of propping my eyelids up with toothpicks in order to stay awake out of solidarity while Henry drives (and also because I have a huge fear of him falling asleep at the wheel). Needless to say, I was kicking myself for telling him we didn’t need to spend the night there. 

(That’s how yow know I’m serious about saving money! I HAVE MY EYE ON THE PRIZE.)

Chooch actually said Happy Mothers Day to me this morning without being prompted by Henry, which was nice I guess. Then he said, “I’ll make your coffee for you. Never mind, I don’t know how to make coffee” and then walked away when I tried to tell him to how. 

WHO DOES HE REMIND ME OF RIGHT NOW, I thought to myself. OH YEAH—ME. 

Chooch is too old now for teachers to force him to draw me some dumb picture or write some MOTHER acrostic and if Henry doesn’t remember to take him to the store to buy me at least a card, I get nothing. 

This was one of those years. But I’m still riding high on G-Dragon and KCON and also seeing Emarosa last night so I’m good. I mean, I’m still going to bitch about it because that’s who I am, but honestly I’m fine. 

I’m not a big breakfast fanatic so I told Henry to just make me an egg and an English muffin. Wow, when did I become so easy? Then Henry asked, “Do you want to watch Running Man since we didn’t get to watch it yesterday?” And he never seemed hotter to me than he did at that moment, except for Friday when he was like “Fine get the P4 KCON tickets instead of the P5.” 

So we watched Running Man and it happened to be the episode where they announce that Song Joon Ki is leaving and everyone on the show was crying and I was practically choking on my tears because they fell so fast that I wasn’t able to close my mouth in time. 

Wah. 

Um, what else. 

Henry made me a lovely bowl of dangnyeum for lunch and then we went to Jefferson Memorial for a walk even though Chooch declared that he suddenly doesn’t like cemeteries anymore? And I pouted because they weren’t putting me up on a grand enough Mom Pedestal, to which Chooch cried, “Literally every day is your day!” And ok fine he has a point but still. 

Then I made Chooch pose for this picture right after he was loudly talking about how he had to piss, not realizing that some broad was sitting in a nearby car with the window down, listening to his crude soliloquy:

I bet all the old rich suburban people preening their mothers’ graves really loved Chooch’s shirt. 

There was a patch of buttercups next to a stream in the cemetery, and I taught Chooch the whole “buttercup nose reflection” thing which really isn’t that big of a deal but I remember doing it a lot as a kid with my friends so maybe it was a big deal? I mean, we also weren’t preoccupied with Snapchat and Musicaly and cyber bullying back then, so the simple act of making the tip of our noses glow yellow was a fucking barrel of monkeys. 

 Chooch originally was unimpressed, but then a few minutes later he said, “No really, how does it turn your nose yellow?”

He’s kind of slow sometimes. 

We ended the day with a walk to Scoops, where a fourth grader came in and proceeded to stare at Chooch. 

“Do you know her?” Henry asked. 

“Yeah, she calls me Beaver.” And then when we stared at him expectedly, he casually added, “Because I ate a stick one time.”

Ugh, his reputation at school must be completely unenviable. 

On the way home, I was running like I was in the BTS “Run” music video and then Chooch was going to live at a bus stop and I was laughing so hard at everything that I was practically screaming and Henry just continued to walk faaaaaar ahead of us. 

So, that was my Mother’s Day. It was… a day. But yesterday was pretty close to perfection, so I guess it all evens out. 

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Usually by the third day of a three day weekend, Henry, Chooch, and I are at each others throats. But I mean, that’s normal family talk, right? YOU LOVE ‘EM BUT YOU DON’T LIKE ‘EM.

Except that by some crazy act of god, we had an exceptionally peaceful day and actually, dare I say, ENJOYED each others company??

And this was all without the aid of roadside tent-purchased firecrackers!

How motherfucking un-American, I know.

We went to one of our favorite nature spots—Homewood Cemetery—and ran amok like morons (two of us, anyway), namedropped birds (one of us), and spent a good ten minutes enjoying the show a groundhog put on by peeking his adorable head out of a nearby hole (ALL OF US). So much nature and dead things!

Here are some photos.

Chooch serenaded his broken stick with a creepy rendition of Sarah McLachlan’s ASPCA-anthem “Angel.”

Surprisingly not pissing in the pond. “Looking for frogs” is their claim.

This shirt was one of my Gillcrest finds and I love it so much. Battle of the Network Stars ringer tee vibes all up on yo’ girl.

Reppin’ that Hotel Books sad boy scene. You know what they say about families that listen to emo together….

….they cry together?

He looks so put out as usual, but I’ll have you know Chooch and I entertained him right down to the individually-wrapped prunes on his cargo pockets. He only yelled at us and called us idiots about 29 times! A low number for one of our family outings.

Shit really got crunk (lol yeah I went back to 2003 and I’ll do it because I’m a blogging renegade) when Chooch found a rogue TENNIS BALL and we played CATCH in the CEMETERY and successfully intimidated some poor kid who was learning how to drive in mom’s SUV.

I think “playing catch” is something that people did before smartphones happened.

Our version of playing catch is more like imagining that Chooch is perched above a dunk tank.

Henry apparently “hurt his arm” from whaling the ball so hard at HIS LAST BORN SON.

I hurt my arm too, but my hurt happened the day before when we were doing YARDWORK at my pappap’s house and I used….wait for it…

….hedgeclippers for the very first time and wound up with a callous and arthritis.

I did it for like 45 minutes!

Which, if you ask Henry, is more like 20 minutes in Erin Time.

Even my mom was kind of like, “I can’t watch this” and went in the house.

After the cemetery (and after I nearly peed my pants because LOL PLAYING CATCH), we went to Millie’s for an ice cream cone lunch because that’s how we chose to celebrate the day, OK? Also, no cookouts to go to. We’re loners, Dottie.

I had pistachio rose and yogurt date — what a divine combo. It felt like a real mythical pairing, you know? Like I should have been straddling a Sphinx.

Chooch got CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA. God, his palate is so fucking pedestrian. I’m so embarrassed. What a piss-poor job I’ve done at parenting. Here’s my basic kid, World. All your intricate and sophisticated flavor profiles make him puke in his mouth.

We have to seat him by the nearest napkin dispenser everywhere we go. (SPEAKING OF NAPKIN DISPENSERS!!!)

Later that night, our GROWN ASS CHILD went to Dormont Park with Dimajio and his older sister to watch the fireworks. I was equally “WOOOO FREEDOM!’ and “OMG DO YOU THINK HE’S OK WITHOUT US?!”

I didn’t grow up as a city kid–I was allllll suburbs and sheltered, baby.  So it’s pretty interesting watching Chooch living that city kid life.

Anyway. That was how we chose to celebrate our 7/4 and it was hilariously perfect. Look at that, I guess sometimes I like these assholes, too.

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Everything about Sunday screamed, “IT’S SPRINGTIME, EVERYBODY! SPRING CAME EARLY! DUST OFF THOSE BOOTY SHORTS!” (Or maybe that was just Henry screaming that.) The sky looked like it was colored by the purest blue Crayola crayon and the sun was straight out of a cartoon. It was warm enough to open the sunroof on my car, even.

And now, at the time of this writing, it’s 30-something degrees out with a layer of snow on the ground. Weather is so weird.

Henry had shit to do around the house, and nothing assures that the shit will get done more than me leaving him alone. You know I really wanted him to work on the kitchen (we’re* just doing minor cosmetic shit to it, like painting) when I tell Chooch that yes, we will go geocaching.

*(Lol, “we’re.” All I’ve done so far is pick out the paint!)

Honestly, I can’t find enough hateful words to properly illustrate how much I hate geocaching. But my damn kid loves it, so I thought maybe it could be a nice Mommy-Son day.

Nope.

Even when it’s at one of my favorite cemeteries?

Still nope.

I just hate it. The clues were for the birds. I slipped down a hill. I yelled a lot of things that probably left a lasting blemish on Chooch’s childhood.

After about 30 minutes of digging around the same tint area, I threw my arms up in the air and cried, “FUCK IT, I’M DONE.” And Chooch was like, “You have like no patience, OMG” and I said, “Let’s go for a walk around the cemetery” and he said, “Ow, but my legs are so tired. Walking is terrible” and I said, “Then we’ll get ice cream after” and he said “Fine.”

I should be a playwright.

One of my biggest downfalls is that I don’t spend enough time with Chooch, just the two of us. It’s mostly because I like that when Henry is with us, I won’t have to worry about anything. Or, you know, parent. So I’m trying to change that. I mean, we’ve been fine at the hockey games and we’ve managed to survive two concerts together without Henry’s supervision, so what’s a little Sunday stroll, right?

Except that I wasn’t paying attention when we left the cemetery and I ended up missing a turn or something and I knew where I was, but couldn’t think fast enough about how to get back on track. My mind always works against  me when it comes to directions. I have been to Homewood Cemetery a million zillion  times and even know at least 4 different ways to get there, but something broke down in my head when we left last Sunday, probably because Chooch was talking. Anyway, we ended up near Oh Yeah!, so it felt like kismet. We were originally just going to get ice cream in Brookline, but now a wrong turn put us right in the vicinity of one of our favorite ice cream places!

I was so fucking proud of myself!

Look what I did!!

Except it’s not there anymore. There Facebook page is rife with drama. There was some kind of scandal? I don’t know. But that place never served me a bad cone, and I had some pretty weird add-in combinations there.

So then we were lost again and I kept trying to make a left turn against traffic and that was stressing me out, while Chooch was looking up other ice cream places on Yelp and I snapped, “WE’LL JUST EAT ICE CREAM AT HOME BECAUSE FUCK THIS SHIT!” And he was all, in his best grown-up voice, “Would you just calm the hell down?” And I was like, “Son, that’s good advice. I will try to calm down.” And so he directed me to the Scoops that it’s in Bloomfield, the sister shop to the one down the street from us where we were originally going to go, and I was miraculously able to get a parking spot on the street and everything seemed to be going my way, until we got inside the super tiny shop and there was a group of 5 assholes standing there, taking up valuable real estate while eating their ice cream, and they stared at us while we looked at our choices. Meanwhile, some old broad in front of us ordered a large freeze, and did you know those things take like 10 MINUTES TO MAKE?! So we just stood there, while these assholes licked their cones and bore holes into us with their judgmental eyes, the old lady waited for her freeze, and a group of 4 young hooligans came in and tried to cut in front of us.

It was a really stressful experience. I  think Chooch felt pressured too, because when it was his turn to order, he couldn’t blurt it out fast enough. I paid for our cones and whisked Chooch out of the shop, where we ate our ice cream under the peace and wide-open space of the great outdoors. I couldn’t believe those assholes were standing in there like that. They weren’t waiting for anyone! They were just quietly eating their ice cream and stealing precious oxygen from the rest of us who hadn’t ordered yet. Way too many people for that tiny shop.

Ugh.

People.

I can’t believe I wasted so much time writing about this. I guess I was more mad than I thought, since it’s 6 days later and I’m actually rage-biting my lower lip right now.

I think I might need to take up kick-boxing again.

Chooch was adamant on having “Let’s Go Pens” sprinkles on his Moosetracks.

I yelled, “NO ICE CREAM IN MY CAR” so we casually strolled around Bloomfield until our cones were sufficiently masticated. We walked past many of the tree beds that my Law Firm crew helped mulch last year and I was sad, yet not surprised, to see that our hard work had since unraveled, and all the spots were covered with weeds and cigarette butts once again.

Aside from the geocaching, the getting lost, and the idiots breathing my air inside of Scoops, I had a nice afternoon with Chooch. He must have had a nice time too, because a little while after we came home, I found him in his room folding his clothes! NO ONE TOLD HIM TO DO THAT! In fact, no one has ever taught him to do that, either. He said he learned by watching the employees at Target and Kohls. Maybe I should try that since my version of “folding clothes” is “rolling them up and punching them into the drawer.”

And this is the end of my Sunday afternoon recap. Look for the stage version coming soon to a Walmart loading dock near you.

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Mouth lined with crumbs? Check.

Later that night, my dad asked if Chooch’s neck tattoo was real. Yes, I had a guy I met in prison come over and do it at the house, dad.

Chooch is down to one good pair of jeans because he trashes them so quickly. This is not that pair.

That pair was home in a laundry basket, caked with mud.

Yes, we fought about this on Christmas. You know how tightly-wound I get when it comes to my dumb pictures!

We had a fight about his hair, too.

We all felt this way.

Throwback to 2011.

Practicing his freestyle.

Who knows how many more years Chooch is going to exasperatedly give me. Gotta milk the “Because I’m your mom and it’s all I want for Xmas!” canned response as much as I can

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It occurred to me yesterday as we were in the middle of eating that this was the 10th Cemetery Xmas Picnic for us! It started in 2005, when I was pregnant with Chooch and my family was being a bag of dicks and not speaking to me. Henry and I had nowhere else to go for Xmas so I yelled LET’S JUST EAT WITH DEAD PEOPLE THEN since no one living gave a shit about us.

So that’s what we did. 

I specifically remember buying Moonpies at CoGos on the way. Really fucking festive. 

And even when we do have a place to go on Xmas, we always hit up the good old cem first. It’s definitely been met with a lot of weird reactions over the years, but it’s our norm, you know? I mean, we’re just eating sandwiches and potato salad, not roasting babies over open graves and drinking goats blood. 

Just so you know. 

We keep it clean. 

 This year, we were able to sit for more than 5 minutes without the threat of hemorrhoids or frost bite!  Except it started to drizzle a little bit. 
    
It’s funny how traditions start. I wonder if Chooch will continue it when he has his own family…

 Sorry, Chooch’s Future Wife. 
Lol. 

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