It occurred to me yesterday as we were in the middle of eating that this was the 10th Cemetery Xmas Picnic for us! It started in 2005, when I was pregnant with Chooch and my family was being a bag of dicks and not speaking to me. Henry and I had nowhere else to go for Xmas so I yelled LET’S JUST EAT WITH DEAD PEOPLE THEN since no one living gave a shit about us.

So that’s what we did. 

I specifically remember buying Moonpies at CoGos on the way. Really fucking festive. 

And even when we do have a place to go on Xmas, we always hit up the good old cem first. It’s definitely been met with a lot of weird reactions over the years, but it’s our norm, you know? I mean, we’re just eating sandwiches and potato salad, not roasting babies over open graves and drinking goats blood. 

Just so you know. 

We keep it clean. 

 This year, we were able to sit for more than 5 minutes without the threat of hemorrhoids or frost bite!  Except it started to drizzle a little bit. 
    
It’s funny how traditions start. I wonder if Chooch will continue it when he has his own family…

 Sorry, Chooch’s Future Wife. 
Lol. 

Today, Chooch found a temporary tattoo and was just about to put it somewhere dumb, like his arm, when I stopped him and screamed, “NO PUT IT ON YOUR NECK!” Neck tattoos are my favorites. I have been trying for fourteen years to trick Henry into getting something awesome on his neck, but he won’t budge. (Hands are my second choice, but he won’t go for that, no; no can do.) Because I’m Chooch’s “bae lord,” he happily adhered a deformed monkey to the side of his neck.

(Side note: He has now taken to calling Henry “Papa Bae,” and it is slowly killing Henry.)

Anyway, Chooch looks hardcore as fuck now! We went outside and took some pictures because Henry was in the kitchen baking some kind of healthy version of snickerdoodles, i.e. bland non-cookies, and he’s mean to us when he bakes.

It was cold out there today.

Meanwhile, Blake gave Chooch his guitar, so he is currently YouTubing tutorials and just seeing that beautiful guitar in his lap is making my vision even more obscured than usual by all of the hearts. If this kid doesn’t grow up to be in a band, then I’m doing it all wrong.

Chooch + Doll 4L.

And on that note:

Gayle forgot my birthday. Because I’m Erin Rachelle Kelly, I basically turned this into a huge scandal at work and made sure everyone* knew that Gayle was horrible and generally the worst.

*(OK, like 4 people. I’m pretty sure most everyone else tunes me out. I know I would if I could.)

Gayle’s self-appointed penance was to gift me with an unbirthday present on the 30th of every month, starting last August.  Wendy and Henry were absolutely appalled that I would let Gayle lavish me with gifts for no reason.

NO REASON?! Oh there’s reason.  Each gift is a ring on the ladder back up to my good graces.

Don’t worry, everyone on Team Erin Is Spoiled – Gayle is only spending a buck or two on each unbirthday gift; but I gotta tell you—she’s been doing a great job. I’ve loved all of my unbirthday gifts, but there has been one so far that really caused a commotion at work due to the fact that it’s CREEPY AND JARRING AS FUCK:

Gayle found this doll at a flea market and promptly deaded it up. A lot of my co-workers were alarmed by this, but I knew that it was going to get along just fine in my house. Because before I even brought it home, I knew that it was going to help me harass the fuck out of my kid.

I mean, it’s not that Chooch is a crybaby, per se, but does get scared pretty easily. So that night, I waited for Chooch to fall asleep and then I placed Doll on his pillow so that when he woke up, GOOD MORNING HERE’S DOLL, STRAIGHT OUTTA THE COAL MINE.

He wasn’t pleased with me at all, and promptly delivered Doll back to my room. And that’s how the game started. We just keep hiding it in each others’ room, and sometimes Henry even gets involved and hides Doll in places I can’t reach, and then Chooch gets all angry and starts screaming me when he wakes up and sees Doll staring down at him from the corner of his ceiling and I’m just like, “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS THINK IT’S ME!? DADDY DOES SHIT TOO” and then Chooch just scoffs and says, “Yeah, like Daddy knows how to have fun.”

I hid Doll halfway under his bed one day when he was downstairs and then posted this picture on Chooch’s Instagram:

I love my BaByDoLl!!!!

A photo posted by Riley (@butt_jam) on Dec 6, 2015 at 7:26am PST

He was SO ANGRY. Fuck, it feels good to be a parent sometimes.

One night last week, Chooch found Doll in his room but left her on his dresser. Before he had a chance to hide her in my room, I snatched her and stuffed her inside his backpack. Later that night, he went upstairs and noticed that Doll was gone. First, he was pissed because it was his turn to hide Doll, but then that was quickly replaced with Fear when he couldn’t find Doll as quickly as he had previously.

We were sitting together on the couch that night; he was making me watch Christmas with the Cranks on Netflix and it was starting to get pretty late. As in: Bedtime late. Every couple of minutes, he would say, “No seriously, tell me where you put Doll.” And I would just ignore him because I was too busy CRYING because that idiotic movie had some supposedly “feel good” moments and I kept yelling, “THIS IS WHY I HATE XMAS MOVIES, IDIOT!”

So then because I was crying, Chooch started to cry. That’s how we are, we feed off each others’ tears. I’m almost positive that he was faking it at first. He is so fucking good at fake-crying and I have no idea where he gets that because it’s certainly not from his mom whose family always told her that she should get a role on Days of Our Lives because she could turn on the tears with all the best sociopaths. So I’m crying because of Christmas movies, and he’s crying for fun, but then suddenly he’s CLUTCHING MY ARM and earnestly begging me to tell him where Doll is. There was panic in his eyes. I momentarily felt sorry for him and considered telling him, but no. This was fun.

A little psychological torture never hurt anyone.

(That’s probably inaccurate.)

I guess it was because it was almost time for him to go to bed and the thought that Doll was out there somewhere was seriously making him crack.

He stormed off up the steps and I could hear him slamming drawers and gurgling on his tears. And then, as he came tearing back down the steps, I jumped out and scared him. Internet, if there had been a sharp object within arms reach of him, I probably wouldn’t be typing this right now, as I lay in a hole, surrounded by that fresh new-coffin scent.

Which, you know, I wouldn’t able to smell on account of BEING DEAD.

My original end-game for Doll In Backpack was that he would get to school and find her when he was putting shit in his locker, and then he would even more shocked and startled because school would be the last place he’s expect Doll to pop up. But after watching him have what appeared to be some type of emotional breakdown, I was afraid that this would totally push him over the edge and then I would be getting a phone call from the school and CPS.

And I really loathe phone calls.

So instead,  I waited until morning and coaxed him into opening his backpack before he left the house. He was looking for his pencil case anyway, and I kept saying, “HMMM MAYBE CHECK YOUR BACKPACK” and he was like, “No, I checked  yesterday and it wasn’t there.”

“Well, check again. I think Daddy put the pencil case in there,” I said in the strained tone of a person hiding a thing.

So Chooch unzipped one of the front pouches.

“No. Like, look in the main part,” I stressed again.

“I know it’s not in there because I already checked last night!” he said stubbornly and I was about to just rip the fucking thing open myself, but then he finally opened it himself and was SO FUCKING PISSED when his fingers closed around Doll’s burnt locks. I actually have a video of his discovery but god forbid I post it here since he SWEARS and my child is supposed to be PERFECT since I’m a mom who blogs.

Doll has been laying low for the last week because I have several plans for her on the horizon, and you know what fortune cookies and people who are into idioms say: Out of sight, out of mind.

This is more fun than when he was three and I had an app that would put ghosts in pictures, so he was convinced that a little Victorian ghost girl was haunting him because he just happened to be IN EVERY PICTURE I took of him, and only him.

Thank you, Gayle! This is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Barb gave us tickets to go to the Hockey Game! We win every time I go to the game. We won 4-3! I always look for ICEBURGH because he is beautiful! Mommy told me Barb has “FEELINGS” for #9 “Pascal Dupuis”. I was like what do you mean “FEELINGS”?

! Then that’s when I figured she meant Dupuis was Barb’s BAE!

Picture of us WINNNING!!!!! YAYAYAY thanks Barb for giving us tickets for a game we won in!

Picture mommy took of me standing in front of Iceburgh! Couldnt get next to him so just took that picture.

Then when the game ended I wanted to take a picture with Iceburgh, but some lady took one first, SHE TOOK 2, TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Than another dude wanted a picture. So he asked mommy to take it, while she did that I tried to sneak over to get beside him. But apparently the way I snuck through was a PRIVATE Area. Some usher yelled at me and said I wasn’t allowed to be there.

But the game ended what would it matter? So then I had to go all the way around. SO I ended up not getting a picture with him except for the one at the end!

Mommy said that Iceburgh is a dick but I won’t say that because I still love him!

On Monday, we went to Mr. Smalls. It was my first time there and we went to see Emarosa. But the main band was Bless The Fall, I didn’t stay for that. When we were in line and went up the stairs, Bradley (THE SINGER OF EMAROSA) waved at me smiling and I waved back. At Warped Tour I waited in line to meet him and I told him that he was better than Jonny and he agreed so that is probably how he remembers me.

When we got in there was a guy who gave out paper wrist bands but he drew a smiley face on my hand because I was kid and I wasn’t allowed to drink alcohol.

When I walked in to the stage area I turned around and I saw the eighth grader who had a crush on me in 1st grade. She had her friend with her, and their boyfriends.  I felt kind of shy because I hadn’t seen her in a while. When Emarosa came on Me and my mom moved up to the front so I could see better.

I liked Emarosa my whole life because my mom has listened to them since I was a baby.

Bradley is so nice because when Emarosa was over and me and daddy were leaving he came right over to me and gave me a hug. (:   He’s not a drugatic like Jonny Craig.

He also gave the other fans who wanted a hug, a hug. Then when I asked him to sign my shirt he said “Allrighttt I’ll sign your shirt.” :P    When me and daddy went to leave (mommy stayed for the rest of the show by herself) the whole band was outside packing everything back up. We left to eat and came back hoping they would still be here so I can get a picture with the whole band. We went to Hardees to eat. When we came back for the picture, Bradley came over to us and asked us what we wanted again. When I told him I wanted a picture with the whole band he went around looking for everyone. I also wanted them all to sign my shirt, I got that.

When we got everyone, daddy said “my phone is dying because SOMEONE’S been using it.” Then Bradley kindly gave him his phone to take the picture, and he texted it to daddy. I was so happy that this was happening. So I had the BEST NIGHT of my life. The picture with my shirt signatures is on my Instagram, so check it out. @butt_jam.

***

This is my favorite Emarosa song because it sounds better than Johnny and also its better the original version of Mad. Maybe you can check out more Emarosa songs!

Sewickley Haunted Church

We were going to 2 Haunted Houses on the day before Halloween. We were hungry so we stopped at Taco bell. There was a huge commotion going on. A mom and her kids were here. The kids were acting up so she was yelling at them IN THE MIDDLE of Taco Bell. They were dressed up and I’m guessing they were going to a Halloween Party. Then we ordered and sat down where we wanted to sit. It looked like there were 2 guys and a girl all dressed up like they were in a band. Mommy got excited, of course she did.

When we got to the first one, ITS THE TITLE. There were a couple mini games. It was PING PONG TOSS, Ring Toss, Tick Tac Toe, and a hockey game. I mostly played Ping Pong Toss, because I was good at it. Since I could make a shot from the other side of the room I was called savage by a about 12 yr old. No seriously he did. I tried Ring Toss but it was way too easy for me. I played PING PONG for about 30 minutes and It and I got really famous.

Mommy saw a guy dressed up as Jason and she said he was hot. She told me this today because I didn’t know. Also when we went in the actual haunted part they asked for our names and it was actually accurate because boys can be named Erin and girls can be named Riley. Yeah I said I was Erin and mommy said she was Riley. It was a carnival part. There was a huge Jack in the box and when it popped it hit mommy in the face and one of the guys touched her back on accident. There was a butcher part next and there were human body parts, not real ones, you freak!

It was really good, the HAUNTED HOUSE , not the flesh! Me and mommy went back in to say it was better than last year. Then they said we can come back for a Worship Concert. Me and mommy played it cool and as soon as we walked out the door we said WTF! ~.~

Haunted Expeditions

There is really nothing to write about because we weren’t noticed at all. The Spookers completely ignored us and we were really excited to go because it was awesome last year. But nope they changed areas so it was in a corn field. It was so %$#@*&! stupid this year. Last year there was no groups AND it was in a forest, and this year it had groups and it was out in the open so you could see what was going to happen and the group behind us kept catching up and we were invisible! OMG! We need to go to a better haunted house. Thank god we went to the Church one the same day because that made up.

There was 6 other people in our group that were in three so like friends of 3. They all became friends and when we went to the chainsaw part you could hear the f^&*$#@ chainsaw in the house so you knew what was going to happen. We got in there and the other people in our group were all standing there like “WHATRE WE GONNA DOOOO!?” like idiots. There was a curtain to exit right there and they were all blocking it. MOMMY ditched me and left me in the house with the ding dongs and idiots. And f$%^&*@ chainsaw smoke so I was dying in there. It was the end of the f%&^$#@ sh&$% a$$ haunted house for this year.

When we got in the car mommy and daddy were talking about how stupid it was. Then I said “Its like when you buy a Barbie doll and It comes with a hairbrush accessory. And you never use the hairbrush, COMPLETELY IGNORED!” then they laughed. Since me and mommy were so hungry and wanted dessert we stopped at Kings since it was on the way home. And daddy went to pee so I took mommy’ phone and took a picture of him peeing. So that was our awesome, epic/HORRIBLE day!

Over the weekend, I found this dumb picture of a boy at Goodwill and I decided to buy it and turn it into Chooch’s official 4th grade portrait, because even though I am always singing the I’M SO BUSY song, I somehow also have too much time on my hands. How is this possible, I don’t know.

So I started painting Chooch’s big head over top of the basic boy in the picture, and he was not pleased. He was also kind of in a bad mood that day but one thing about Chooch is that he strongly dislikes being teased. Originally, the only thing I added to the background was a picture of a cat, but then Chooch sat down and started blabbing to us about god knows what and Henry was like, “Jesus Christ, do you ever shut up?” so I felt inclined to add a wallpaper of blah blah blahs.

Now he was REALLY irritated with his portrait.

This was the best picture I could get. Something about it makes camera lenses revolt.

Then I made it his profile picture on Facebook and he was all, “I’m going to kill you!” but we all know he secretly love it. Especially when his frenemy Barb commented on it!

He groaned, “Ugh, what does BARB want….”

Here’s his actual fourth grade school picture. You should see the actual class photo — he’s like a Crayola factory explosion compared to the other kids.

In other news, Wendy is visiting the office with the baby and everyone rushed over to her but I was just like, “What? I’ve already seen that baby like four times because I’m an awesome friend.” So there.

Oh well. That’s all I’ve got for right now because tonight is the Emarosa show and I am honest-to-god trembling at my desk here because I’m so excited!

My stomach hurts!

(Chooch originally posted this last weekend but half of it got deleted somehow — probably Henry’s fault — so here is a new version.)

Okay, So last Thursday we went to Fright Farm and it was just me and mommy because daddy he sucks and he was “so manly”. We waited in line for less than 30 mins and then we got close to the front and a girl with a hula hoop that was on fire. Was spinning it on her waist! When we got to the front and went in, we went on a hayride and a guy (THAT WAS SO FREAKING ANNOYING) sat next to me and he wouldn’t shut up! Same with mommy except a girl sat next to her and the girl thought she was so funny. (,; ! Also, after the hay…… wait never mind let me say something. I’m not going to say what happened on the hayride in case you wanna go!

Then, We got into the asylum and we ad to wait in line for like ever!  We got to the front of the line at the top part (WE HAD TO GO TO ANOTHER LINE AFTER)  a crazy girl who had a high pitch voice and colored eye contacts (a bright green)  was at the front of the line and then she told us to go to the bottom line! Then we got to the front of the bottom line. Thank God! The girl at the front of that line was like “Ooooooh looks like we have a kid. My sister. You know, shes crazy.” She let us go in and right when we got in, we caught up to the group in front of us and the group behind us caught up to us.

The leader of the group was Dennis. Screw him. They were all la de da and “STOP!” “Look at this!”  We were so annoyed we wanted to push them into a lake and leave. But we would probably go to jail for that, so. Then there was a chainsaw guy and they were all like “OMG” “LOOK! HAHA!” It was our chance, we could finally run through! I felt free like a unicorn in the sky! Then we caught up to another group because we ran so *!@$&*# fast. But they went a decent speed. Thank god for that because I’M not waiting an hour looking at some stupid decoration. *WHISPERS TO SELF: God screw Dennis*

When we caught up to them it was near the end so we were close to “THE MAZE”. The maze wasn’t as good as it was last year, when we went with “GODFORBID JANNA. There weren’t as many spooky people in their. We got out to see a small crowd of people waiting for a friend they lost in the maze. I think her name was Jody but that doesn’t matter. Wait does it? But what if she died. R.I.P Jody: Died October 21, 2015: You will forever be in our hearts. Died of “LOST IN MAZE SYNDROME. Hmm, So then was a sort of “Disco Stew” part, and there were flashing lights, lasers, strobe lights! Oh yeah and fog, so we couldn’t see #$@*! 2 guys came up on us, and mommy scared the crap out of me because she jumped. Then there was girl who said “They r doin the whip n’ nae nae down there” K to start this off, MOMMY HATES THE WHIP N’ NAE NAE! She hates it so much. What did Silento ever do to her? Who knows? Comment to tell me. Then we found out they weren’t doing the whip and nae nae down there. ):  Then I saw a guy that I saw before we went in line. I was going to the porta potty and some guy came out. I went in and that was it. I know beautiful story. No need to tell me. That really it, beside the fact we got lost after and we had to find a sheetz because I was hungry and she wanted a coffee, and we had to call daddy and he told us to download the sheetz app and so we did and we ended up finding in the direction were going. The easiest spot ever! That’s it!

DUNGEON OF HORRORS

We went to Dungeon of Horrors (ITS BASICALLY JUST A PENITENTIARY, BUT HAUNTED). We went with my aunt, Amy, my cousin, Brooke, and my uncle, Dick. We went on October 25. Daddy was too big of a wuss and he sucked. There was a projector projecting the rules of conduct that you have to follow in the prison. One part there was a guy urinating and the rule was “no urinating please”. Amy said that they wouldn’t say that if someone didn’t do it. But it didn’t say you couldn’t do it outside. When we got in there was a little height and number thing you could hold up and get your picture taken. We had to act like we were actually going to prison. They made us put our hands on our head and it hurt so freaking bad. Some lady smiled so she had to go in a cell for the rest of the time. Then WE had to go in a cell and scream as loud as we could. We ended up being able to come out but cell 9 had to stay.

Then we had to go in a coffin ONE-BY-ONE. I was last so the 2 people who were putting our group in the coffins were torturing me.. It took us through a curtain thing into another room. Mommy, Brooke, Amy, and Dick were waiting for me. When I came out there was a guy who opened the coffin door and screamed in my face. We then had to go in a doctors room. The doctor needed a new face so he asked Brooke. She didnt talk to me, mommy, or daddy for the rest of the day. I think it was because she was still scared. Then it was A WALKING DEAD part with the theme, zombies, gates. It was sort of like the “PRISON” season with the gates all falling down. Makes so much sense! There were a lot of zombies and then were 2 and they were all on mommy. It was Fun House part and there were 2 clowns and they said something and I said “How is it?” the clowns asked “How is what?” Then another kid said how is life and the clowns said it’s good. Then I said it’s about to end! The clowns laughed and thought it was funny.

There was one of those spinning tunnels that paralyses you or something. There was a part where there was a guy in some torture device and he got executed. Then after he was executed he got up, and scared the crap out of mommy. I don’t know how but yeah. There was a paintball part and if mommy knew about she would’ve got money but nope. I would’ve shot her anyway. I would have to turn around to shoot her. Then we went to the gas station and guess what the total was. $6.66, Holy crap! That is some devil @#!* right there. We had some weird and creepy night!  Then we came home and watched The Walking Dead. Don’t get me started on THAT!

Kind of random, but The Lost Boys was one of the first movies that Chooch became obsessed with when he was real little. It happened kind of as a joke: I had just brought the DVD home after lending it to Bob from my old job and I asked Chooch if he wanted to watch it. I mean, he was 2 so he basically just responded with a Maggie-esque suck of his pacifier. Then Henry came home and saw that we were sitting on the couch, all up to our necks in glorious 1987 vamp action, and he was just like, “Why are you letting him watch this? What is wrong with you?!”

Chooch has always been down with horror movies. There have only been two times in his 9 years where he was legit upset:

• once when he was about 4 and watching The Eye (the real version, not the crappy American remake),
• once when he was about 7 and watching Children of the Corn and made me turn it off after the dog dies at the gas station (spoiler but not?)

And The Lost Boys was his freaking JAM when he was a toddler! I can’t tell you how amazing it was to watch a vampire movie 99 times a week instead of some Disney bullshit. So then I bought him the Michael and David figurines, and he would make David say, “Maggots, Michael!” in his cute little baby voice full of impediments.

And then he had a Lost Boys cake at his third birthday party.

The older Chooch gets, the more of the movie he gets, as well. Like, the milk carton close-up. The grandfather’s famous last line of the movie. HOW AMAZING COREY HAIM IS. He was really excited a few weeks ago when he slept over his cousin Zac’s house and The Lost Boys was on TV, so he got to watch it with everyone there. We were talking about it the next night, standing in line for a haunted house of course, when he started acting out the Death By Stereo scene. And then it was, “That’s what I should be for Halloween.”

***

That said, I had officially retired from any and all involvement of Halloween costume planning and prepping. I felt like last year’s Kevin Bacon costume was a solid way to go out, you know? It was a strong costume, and also extremely easy to pull off. The best.

But man, I loved his idea. It was a CHALLENGE. Plus, how could I say no when it involved one of my all-time favorite movies, ever? So I turned to Henry and said, “Well, Chooch finally decided on a costume.

  Good luck!”

I mean, I at least sketched it out for him so he had an idea of what to do, OK? But every last person who knew about this plan was like, “How in the hell….?” I was only 45% confident that we were going to pull it off, and 100% confident that barely no one would get it. But, it’s what Chooch wanted and I thought it was really fucking awesome. This was definitely a costume I could get behind and I was on Henry’s back about it. Which is unusual for me, that whole nagging thing.

The sparks were the hardest things to visualize, but I liked Henry’s interpretation.

This was the first year that we had our shit together in enough time to participate in the neighborhood’s Halloween parade. Seriously, after nine years! Usually we’re still slathering makeup on his face or stuffing him in a box right as the first batch of trick-or-treaters are clambering up our front steps. We were only a block away from our house when Chooch tripped on absolutely nothing, fell, and chipped one corner of his styrofoam speaker. Luckily, we had  to walk right past a CVS on our way to the boulevard, so Henry ran in and bought some duct tape for a quick repair.

On the walk down to the parade’s start line, Chooch got lots of compliments, but you could tell that no one was really getting it. But then, during the parade, I overheard a man with a burlap sack on his head say to his friend, “The Lost Boys! Ha!” and I did a quick fist pump at my side.

Later, a lady turned around and asked, “Is he from the Lost Boys?” YES YES YES HE IS. THANKS!

Meanwhile, some broads were walking around during the parade and handing out papers to some of the kids. One walked over to me and said, “Write his name on the back on this and then have him come over to the stage after the parade and turn it in.” Then she looked at Chooch and started cracking up. I looked at the paper and it said “Funniest Costume.” I wanted to argue her on this, because he wasn’t FUNNY, but I just shrugged, wrote his name, and handed her the pencil back.

We went light on the blood because he was going trick-or-treating with his cousin Zac and I didn’t want him getting that shit in my car. Also, we forgot to buy fangs because it would be weird if we actually had everything right. But then I had a rare moment of brilliance and started stuffing my fists into the pockets of all of my jackets before I was finally rewarded with an unopened package of fangs from Castle Blood. THANK YOU, CASTLE BLOOD! How poetic!

During the parade, Chooch saw some of his friends from school who were just like, “WHAT THE HECK?!” and “I thought you were cotton candy?!”

No matter where we stood in the parade, my nemesis Candy Cane kept appearing right in front of me. She is just the worst. At one point, she was walking toward me with such purpose, I actually considered the possibility that she limp-storming over to slap me in the face, but then she changed directions right before walking into me and crossed the street. Henry saw this happen and thought it was hilarious but it put me in a bad mood, and really, I don’t need much help being put into a bad mood.

The whole parade was kind of pointless and I kept getting stuck behind broads pulling wagons stuffed with children behind them and I was just not built for walking at a parade pace. Luckily, it didn’t last very long and then it was award time. Funniest category was first, thank the lord! My threshold for rubbing elbows with neighbors is pretty non-existent and my head was starting to hurt from clenching my jaw.

Chooch was up against two kids that didn’t have shit on him, and a baby. Henry and I looked at other and cringed because we fucking hate each other, and also because we knew that the baby was going to win.

Because it’s a baby. Babies beat everyone.

So yeah, the baby dressed as a turnip won, but Chooch came in second! The idiot announcing the winners said, “And coming in second place, for $40,000….” and Chooch whipped his head toward us and mouthed, “OMG!” We were like, “No. No! Not $40,000. It was a JOKE.” Ugh.

But man, we’re still hearing about how he was defeated by a BABY.

“And how is a TURNIP funny?!” he cried the next day. I mean, I know. I get it.  People like us never win, my friend.

Maybe he should save this and wear it to the next horror convention.

I don’t know.

De-wigged, winnings in hand.

Sucks that this part was covered by Chooch, but Henry even had lights in the stereo so it looked real. TGFH*.

*(Thank God For Henry. Maybe that will be my next series of Henry pins!)

Chooch couldn’t even tie his shoes on his own with the stereo strapped to his back.  But between his cousin whacking at it with a machete and Chooch’s own natural clumsiness, one of the speakers broke again so he decided to just take it off after about an hour of trick-or-treating.  And then Henry tied Chooch’s wig back because it kept falling into his face, so at that point, he just looked like a vampire Michael Jackson.  But he had fun, and just enough people knew what he was to make it worth it.  And now I’m going back into retirement.

I’m so glad that I don’t have to put this in the “epic fail” category.

The guy who did my apple tattoo posted about Drawlloween on Instagram, which is basically a month of drawing prompts. Chooch enjoys drawing and when I showed this to him, he was pretty gung-ho about it.

I anticipated him to give up half way through, because that’s the True Oh Honestly Way.

But he made it all the way to the second to the last day before losing steam! He finally finished his last drawing today and it was the best one IF YOU ASK ME.

Anyway, here they are, because I told him I would and I only lie sometimes.
  

Somewhere around here I convinced him to use unlined paper, for god’s sake.
  

His amulet was inspired by The Monster Squad, obviously. And he combined grave and demon into one picture because “other people are doing that too!

” God, sorry for asking.

He was going to draw our neighbor Jackie for “witch” but forgot what she looked like. (He had a fight with her a few months ago and after she told him he’s a trouble maker, he blurted out that she’s a witch and we all had a good laugh about that later because who knew he could be so PG.)

His spider was REALLLLLY uninspired, but the dragon makes up for it, if you ask me.

Tell Chooch what you think!

I’m sure if you have children, you share my pain and frustration when it comes to Halloween. I’m thankful that Chooch goes to a school that at least acknowledges that Halloween exists, but then they go and take all the fun out of it because there are so many rules and restrictions when it comes to what they’re allowed to wear and bring in for snacks. 

Anyway, Chooch’s main costume for trick or treating breaks the “NO WEAPONS” rule because it involves half a homemade arrow god forbid. So at the last minute, I decided that we might as well make use of his pink hair and build a cheap l, bare bones costume around it because  the school’s sad excuse for a Halloween party is not worth much more effort than this. 

Stupid cotton candy. 

Henry came home from work early enough to walk to the school and watch the parade with me, so he was there to witness the moment when Chooch broke my HEART by waking out with the cotton all unfluffed AND NO SIGN. 

“He looks like a half-assed clown going to a birthday party! This is STUPID. I HATE TODAY,” I cried to Henry who gave me his canned response of “Take it easy.”

And that little jerk knew he fucked up because he gave me that shit-eating grin/shrug combo and I mouthed “YOU ARE DEAD TO ME” at which point he turned back to his dumb friends and giggled his way on down the parade route while my feelings hung out to dry on a clothesline fashioned from my fragile ego. 

I stormed off with Henry casually following me like this wasn’t the worst thing in the world and he wasn’t bothered by it AT ALL. 

I’ll spare you the details, but there was also a complete tantrum thrown in the middle of an alley on the way to Cannon Coffee and then I was like IM JUST GOING HOME and got even more mad when Henry didn’t try to stop me but then we ended up going to Cannon Coffee anyway because I knew there was no coffee at home and I NEEDED IT. 

I was mostly ok after that. Although Henry just now begged me to please try to calm down for the rest of the day because apparently I’m being a bitch.

I hate Halloween. 

J/K! I still love Halloween. 

Dear blog,

Here I am on Wednesday night, ready to hand in my Parenting Membership Card because my “gifted” son and I are having knock down, drag-out arguments over some goddamn piece of shit project for his idiotic reading class that’s due on Friday and he’s being so dense and I’M SORRY BUT I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. All I wanted to do was watch my #wcw Jillian Michaels yell at people for being idiots on her new show Sweat, Inc. NOT SIT HERE IN A PILE OF FOAM BOARD AND SHARPIES, BICKERING WITH MY KID.

Oh I just can’t stand it.

I’m about to go lie down in a dark room with the Halloween soundtrack on repeat.

Here are pictures of my genius kid from Sunday, when I was still his mom and not yet sailing down a stream to the Island of Broken Moms & Soul-Crushed Dads.

I miss Sunday. We weren’t arguing over a project about animals adapting in the desert. We were playing in leaves and going to a haunted house and watching The Walking Dead.

Not all at once. But, you know.

You want a funny, HILARIOUS story about my angel-son? That little jerk landed himself in In School Suspension last Friday. Yeah, a week after we had that wonderful conference with his teachers, where I walked out of the school feeling so awesome about myself as a parent, Chooch goes and accidentally hurts his buddy in class. I guess his friend was stretching in the seat in front of Chooch, had his arms up in the air and Chooch playfully grabbed one and bent it back, a little too roughly. The teacher called Henry to let him know what happened and was totally upset about it, because she knew it was boys being boys, a total accident, but the kid ended up having to go to the nurse and because of that, Chooch spent the next day in the school slammer.

He was really upset and didn’t want to go to school the next day.

“What if they don’t give me lunch?!” he asked, practically suffocating on fear.

Chooch, it’s just ISS. Even Charles Manson gets to eat lunch!

I spent all Friday at work worrying about him, because that’s rough, you know? But then when I got home that night and asked him how it went, he gushed, “It was awesome!” Apparently, it was him and a bunch of 8th grade boys, and Chooch gets along better with the older kids than the ones in his own grade, so I guess he felt pretty comfortable. He said, “I finished my work early so I just sat there and giggled the rest of the time.” He ended up having to read a math/history book because there was nothing else to do, but it was still awesome to him, for some reason.

Just now, still toiling away at his project, he proudly called over to me, “I saw one of my 8th grade ISS friends today!”

Oh my god.

My delinquent.

The pumpkin prop was all him.

Henry’s home now. Chooch just sighed heavily and Henry said, “What’s wrong?”

“Mommy’s crazy. I mean, she’s my bae, but she is CRAZY,” Chooch said LITERALLY RIGHT BEHIND MY BACK HELLO I’M SITTING RIGHT HERE!?

If you’re wondering about how Chooch’s friend is doing after the Arm Incident, I’m going to guess he’s fine because he was at football practice the same day and he still stops here every morning so that he and Chooch can walk to school together.  And I guess that’s the most important part.

Because I don’t want to have to deal with any irate moms calling my phone.

“Maybe we should have just made a diorama like [name withheld/Chooch’s nemesis],” he says. GTFO WITH THIS “WE” NONSENSE.

Seriously, what kind of sadistic elementary school teacher makes a project due on the day before Halloween?! Doesn’t she know that we’re already embroiled in 87 various projects over here?! This is just the worst.

Yesterday was Chris and Monica’s wedding and it was lovely. I almost never use that word in a non-sarcastic sense, but my sentiments are real. There will be a proper post about that, believe me, but for now, here’s a picture of what my kid wore, which I made him re-wear today when I realized I didn’t get any decent photos of him wearing clothes that weren’t dirty or full of holes. 

He somehow managed to keep his shirt tucked in all night, too!

(His bow tie is actually from Spirit Halloween; he wanted it because it’s Minecraft-esque.)

We’re currently rounding out another beautiful fall weekend with a trip to the WV state pen in Moundsville for their haunted house with my sister Amy and her daughter Brooke. October weekends forever!

Henry and I went to Chooch’s open house last week (yes, we went on the right night this time!) and we learned some cool shit about our crazy kid! I always brace myself at these things because I know he can be a mouthy little brat at times and he certainly isn’t perfect, so there is always that chance that we’re going to get an earful (that’s how it was in catholic school, lol). We went to see his reading teacher first; she was in the middle of speaking with another parent, so Henry and I used that time to wander around the room, looking at the student work on display, and basically looking like creeps.

“Ooh, that was always my favorite when I was a kid!” I whispered to Henry, pointing to a sign on the wall that said Hyperbole. I’ve clearly outgrown that literary device, though.

(I had to explain to Henry what it meant, because he was in remedial English classes.)

When it was our turn, the reading teacher enthusiastically told us that Chooch is basically just winning at life, OK?  Guys, I’m not saying that I thought my kid was learning-disabled or anything, but I guess I just didn’t realize exactly how well he was doing beyond the whole grading scale. The terms “gifted” and “creative” were thrown out more than once! She just kept casually kept saying, “Well, you know, because he’s so gifted, he gets bored easily…” and I was like “SAY IT AGAIN. THE G-WORD. SAY THAT AGAIN.” He’s reading on an adult level—second highest score in the class, and hilariously the only person beating him, by a margin, is this girl who is his ultimate nemesis so he is super annoyed now.

My little nerd.

However, my favorite part was when she started talking about his writing. She said that his writing skills have her completely impressed and that now, when he hands in mediocre assignments, she’ll say to him, “This is what I expect from everyone else in the class, but I expect more from you” and he takes it back and rewrites it and then stands there and makes her read it while he’s watching, all smug-like. Henry was just like, “Oh Jesus Christ, that sounds familiar…” BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DO TO HENRY! Hearing all of this made me so proud! I really do try to get him interested in all kinds of different things without being too pageant-mom’ish and pressuring him. But he really has seemed to be enjoying writing lately, which is why I try to gently coax him into guest-blogging on here every now and then. I see so much potential in him and I don’t want him to waste it. I wish my mom would have been more supportive, not that I can get away with eking through life while blaming my wasted potential on her. I mean, I COULD, but I try not to! I’m just as much to blame for the fact that I never tried harder to make something of myself; I was the co-star of that story, after all.

The reading teacher also told us that Chooch has a really hard time keeping his mouth shut and that when she told him she was going to tell us that, he was like, “You won’t tell them anything they don’t already know.” Apparently, he is the only kid that got an assigned seat—in front of a teacher—in their free period after breakfast and before homeroom, so yeah, that sounds about right. But she said he isn’t being disrespectful or bullying, it’s just his silliness that gets him busted. As long as he’s not being a dick to anyone, I’m OK with this.

After that ego-boost, we went to Chooch’s homeroom, where his main teacher walked over to introduce herself and literally, I’m not joking, screamed and clapped when I told her I was Chooch’s mom. Henry and I were like, “Whaaaaat is happening right now.” She told us about how much Chooch makes her laugh and how well he’s doing academically and asked us, “What do you want to you want to talk to me for? You have nothing to worry about it!” She had to go and talk to the other parents who were there before us, and Henry was like, “OK, she said we don’t have anything to worry about, so let’s just go.”

“No way! I want to hear her tell us more good things about him,” I laughed.

I really hope he stays on this track and doesn’t end up losing his way like I did. I didn’t just walk off the track—I sprinted, tripped, and plunged head-first into a pile of dead end-jobs and empty bank accounts. Broke my neck and pride somewhere along the well. But unlike my own family, I don’t imagine that Henry and I would let that happen to Chooch without a fight.

I felt so good after hearing all that stuff about my kid, because sometimes I feel like we don’t do enough for him. it made me really appreciate all of the awesome friends I have, because they have really filled the void left by my estranged family, because that affects Chooch, too. All of my friends, whether they’ve been around since he was a baby or only just in recent years, have been so good to him and have always encouraged him to be himself, no matter how weird, different, or outrageous that may be; I know that this has helped contribute to the awesome human he has grown into. Most of his friends since birth have been grown-ups—this is why any time I make a new friend, he steals them from me!

All of this, and he has excellent taste in music? I’m finally doing something right in my life.

***

“I know this is hard to believe,” I said the next day at work while not-so-humble bragging about my kid to anyone who would listen, “but I was actually tested for the gifted program when I was in elementary school, too. Except that my mom decided to keep me out of it because she didn’t want me to grow up to be ‘weird’.”

“Yeah, that worked out well,” Glenn mumbled.

Demon House  

Ok! Hello. Well we went to Demon house on Friday and we went with Janna. But half way there God forbid Janna had to take a SH**! Ok so when we got there It was kind of chilly. But there was a fire pit! We had a group but I wanted a group so we got one! In the group was a dad a mom and a daughter, Hanna. Ugh, Mommy says I have a crush on her.  She cried through most of it and she had makeup on so you could see the mascara ink run down her face. So there was a “Really Dark Maze” That wasn’t a maze at all because it was just a zigzag tunnel. So Janna led us and we had to follow but it was ok because Janna’s not scared of anything.

So half way in the Dining room there was a blanket covering everything. So I had a feeling a ghost was going to come out. But the dad tried to look for a way out and the ghost followed cause’ it didn’t want us to leave. So then the ghost got tired of being with us so it showed us the way out. Through a bookcase. So then we were in a Carnival part and the Carnival Ringmaster came out and made me, Me, ME! Throw a ball threw a hole. I made it touch the hole but the ball was to big for the hole. So then we had to go through a CLOWN part. God Forbid Clowns! K, then on the way to the parking lot we had to take a shuttle and ride to it. Me and mommy sat down and then this smoker girl and guy who wanted to kill himself because he thought she was so freaking annoying sat across from us. But then we realized they were on a date, TO A HAUNTED HOUSE! WTF? They could go anywhere and they picked a haunted house? Wow! On the way off of the shuttle, the lady said “YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LADY.”  Me and mommy laughed.

The Shadows

K hope you read the Demon House part because it was funnay!!!! So the next day on Saturday (the day before the PIE PARTAY!) Daddy was baking so he couldn’t drive so mommy had to drive, and you know how bad she is at finding things with the GPS. But that’s not the thing. Me and mommy got lost because… Oh wait let me tell you where we went, lol! We went to The Shadows. The GPS took us somewhere completely different. It took us in the middle of the road and said you’re here! Ugh so annoying. So then after about 10 minutes of looking we finally found it! I thought we would get lost forever because the GPS died. ); . So then we saw a fake dead cat and it got so famous. People were taking pictures and touching it.

In line me and mommy were talking about Ju-on (AKA The Grudge) and the stars and how they were formed into illuminati. But yeah um. Oh when we were walking in the trail we saw a girl. Well I saw a girl standing at the end and mommy was too busy looking at a tree. Lol! Oh probably because there was a guy standing there but everyone knows the kids are scarier. So then the tree monster came out and spooked mommy. Then at the end we caught up to the group in front of us and the chainsaw guy came after them and not us but mommy still got spooked when he said “Hey what are you doing!?!?”

I liked it.

Dark View

Yesterday on Saturday we went to Dark view in Ohio. But the best part happened before we got there when the GPS told us to go through an industrial area which mommy almost puked because she hates industrial areas. But when we got there it was freezing cold and the parking guy dude asked us if we had any alcohol, marijuana, weapons, or any sort of drug. I had a paper gun and I said “What if he thought it was real?” Then when we parked I asked mommy “Can I have my marijuana yet?” Lol! Then we saw this devil guy with beaver or squirrel shoulder pads and a cane. Mommy wanted me to get a picture with him. So I did. Then in the line there were two parts and we didn’t know which part we needed to do. So then we picked the smaller one. Then a lady came and asked “How was it?”. We said “We didn’t do it yet.” So then she told us to go do the bigger one first.

So we did and in the line for that I said if daddy got scared he could do Kawaii! But he wouldn’t get scared because he’s “THE MAN!” . When we got inside the actual haunted house part daddy almost peed his pants because he got spooked of the talking portrait that was yelling at the old lady who brought us in the house. I don’t really remember what he said but I do know he said something about taking his house. After that part we went into a library I think and the librarian was screaming and I was this close = to  saying no screaming in the library. Then we got to a graveyard part and some camouflage guy got up from the ground and spooked mommy. The part after that was a garage and the guy in there was trying to build a birdhouse so then he asked who here knows how to build a birdhouse I pointed at daddy. He asked him how many can you make in an hour. Daddy said 2. I said you can make way more than 2.

Then we got into a bathroom and the girl in there said mommy wasn’t potty trained yet and some other dude needed to take a bath because she didn’t want him stinking up the house. Then she made us smell some weird smelly thing. Nobody liked the smell but me. ):  The we ran into a doll room and the bathroom girl was trapped inside the wall. The dolls didn’t do anything. After that we went into a dining room with food on the table. The girl there said whos hungry well I was was so I said I was. But she didn’t feed me anything. );  Then her husband “chainsaw dude” chased us out of the house. I didn’t run. Mommy pushed me into the wall. Then in the “small house” we got in and it was like fisherman and hunter room. I had a feeling daddy wanted to go fishing after the haunted house.

Then we had to get our picture and  I looked creepy as hell. Then he said he wanted to shoot one of us and we he did the lights turned off and a really loud speaker with a shotgun sound went off. But then it was just a butcher that wanted to butcher someone so me and daddy pushed mommy into him.  But he ended up not butchering her. Then it was just a sort of outside thing with another camouflage guy a guy going to hang himself and he tied the rope around his neck and it magically untied. Then it was just some more outside and then a maze. The maze had a chainsaw guy and me and mommy lost daddy. BUT THEN ANOTHER CAMOUFLAGE GUY WAS THERE. Daddy went a whole different way then us because the chainsaw guy was blocking him so he didn’t want go with us. Then we froze to death. I loved it and it was worth driving that far even though we had to go through the freaking black forest in Ohio.