(Chooch originally posted this last weekend but half of it got deleted somehow — probably Henry’s fault — so here is a new version.)

Okay, So last Thursday we went to Fright Farm and it was just me and mommy because daddy he sucks and he was “so manly”. We waited in line for less than 30 mins and then we got close to the front and a girl with a hula hoop that was on fire. Was spinning it on her waist! When we got to the front and went in, we went on a hayride and a guy (THAT WAS SO FREAKING ANNOYING) sat next to me and he wouldn’t shut up! Same with mommy except a girl sat next to her and the girl thought she was so funny. (,; ! Also, after the hay…… wait never mind let me say something. I’m not going to say what happened on the hayride in case you wanna go!

Then, We got into the asylum and we ad to wait in line for like ever!  We got to the front of the line at the top part (WE HAD TO GO TO ANOTHER LINE AFTER)  a crazy girl who had a high pitch voice and colored eye contacts (a bright green)  was at the front of the line and then she told us to go to the bottom line! Then we got to the front of the bottom line. Thank God! The girl at the front of that line was like “Ooooooh looks like we have a kid. My sister. You know, shes crazy.” She let us go in and right when we got in, we caught up to the group in front of us and the group behind us caught up to us.

The leader of the group was Dennis. Screw him. They were all la de da and “STOP!” “Look at this!”  We were so annoyed we wanted to push them into a lake and leave. But we would probably go to jail for that, so. Then there was a chainsaw guy and they were all like “OMG” “LOOK! HAHA!” It was our chance, we could finally run through! I felt free like a unicorn in the sky! Then we caught up to another group because we ran so *!@$&*# fast. But they went a decent speed. Thank god for that because I’M not waiting an hour looking at some stupid decoration. *WHISPERS TO SELF: God screw Dennis*

When we caught up to them it was near the end so we were close to “THE MAZE”. The maze wasn’t as good as it was last year, when we went with “GODFORBID JANNA. There weren’t as many spooky people in their. We got out to see a small crowd of people waiting for a friend they lost in the maze. I think her name was Jody but that doesn’t matter. Wait does it? But what if she died. R.I.P Jody: Died October 21, 2015: You will forever be in our hearts. Died of “LOST IN MAZE SYNDROME. Hmm, So then was a sort of “Disco Stew” part, and there were flashing lights, lasers, strobe lights! Oh yeah and fog, so we couldn’t see #$@*! 2 guys came up on us, and mommy scared the crap out of me because she jumped. Then there was girl who said “They r doin the whip n’ nae nae down there” K to start this off, MOMMY HATES THE WHIP N’ NAE NAE! She hates it so much. What did Silento ever do to her? Who knows? Comment to tell me. Then we found out they weren’t doing the whip and nae nae down there. ):  Then I saw a guy that I saw before we went in line. I was going to the porta potty and some guy came out. I went in and that was it. I know beautiful story. No need to tell me. That really it, beside the fact we got lost after and we had to find a sheetz because I was hungry and she wanted a coffee, and we had to call daddy and he told us to download the sheetz app and so we did and we ended up finding in the direction were going. The easiest spot ever! That’s it!

DUNGEON OF HORRORS

We went to Dungeon of Horrors (ITS BASICALLY JUST A PENITENTIARY, BUT HAUNTED). We went with my aunt, Amy, my cousin, Brooke, and my uncle, Dick. We went on October 25. Daddy was too big of a wuss and he sucked. There was a projector projecting the rules of conduct that you have to follow in the prison. One part there was a guy urinating and the rule was “no urinating please”. Amy said that they wouldn’t say that if someone didn’t do it. But it didn’t say you couldn’t do it outside. When we got in there was a little height and number thing you could hold up and get your picture taken. We had to act like we were actually going to prison. They made us put our hands on our head and it hurt so freaking bad. Some lady smiled so she had to go in a cell for the rest of the time. Then WE had to go in a cell and scream as loud as we could. We ended up being able to come out but cell 9 had to stay.

Then we had to go in a coffin ONE-BY-ONE. I was last so the 2 people who were putting our group in the coffins were torturing me.. It took us through a curtain thing into another room. Mommy, Brooke, Amy, and Dick were waiting for me. When I came out there was a guy who opened the coffin door and screamed in my face. We then had to go in a doctors room. The doctor needed a new face so he asked Brooke. She didnt talk to me, mommy, or daddy for the rest of the day. I think it was because she was still scared. Then it was A WALKING DEAD part with the theme, zombies, gates. It was sort of like the “PRISON” season with the gates all falling down. Makes so much sense! There were a lot of zombies and then were 2 and they were all on mommy. It was Fun House part and there were 2 clowns and they said something and I said “How is it?” the clowns asked “How is what?” Then another kid said how is life and the clowns said it’s good. Then I said it’s about to end! The clowns laughed and thought it was funny.

There was one of those spinning tunnels that paralyses you or something. There was a part where there was a guy in some torture device and he got executed. Then after he was executed he got up, and scared the crap out of mommy. I don’t know how but yeah. There was a paintball part and if mommy knew about she would’ve got money but nope. I would’ve shot her anyway. I would have to turn around to shoot her. Then we went to the gas station and guess what the total was. $6.66, Holy crap! That is some devil @#!* right there. We had some weird and creepy night!  Then we came home and watched The Walking Dead. Don’t get me started on THAT!

Kind of random, but The Lost Boys was one of the first movies that Chooch became obsessed with when he was real little. It happened kind of as a joke: I had just brought the DVD home after lending it to Bob from my old job and I asked Chooch if he wanted to watch it. I mean, he was 2 so he basically just responded with a Maggie-esque suck of his pacifier. Then Henry came home and saw that we were sitting on the couch, all up to our necks in glorious 1987 vamp action, and he was just like, “Why are you letting him watch this? What is wrong with you?!”

Chooch has always been down with horror movies. There have only been two times in his 9 years where he was legit upset:

• once when he was about 4 and watching The Eye (the real version, not the crappy American remake),
• once when he was about 7 and watching Children of the Corn and made me turn it off after the dog dies at the gas station (spoiler but not?)

And The Lost Boys was his freaking JAM when he was a toddler! I can’t tell you how amazing it was to watch a vampire movie 99 times a week instead of some Disney bullshit. So then I bought him the Michael and David figurines, and he would make David say, “Maggots, Michael!” in his cute little baby voice full of impediments.

And then he had a Lost Boys cake at his third birthday party.

The older Chooch gets, the more of the movie he gets, as well. Like, the milk carton close-up. The grandfather’s famous last line of the movie. HOW AMAZING COREY HAIM IS. He was really excited a few weeks ago when he slept over his cousin Zac’s house and The Lost Boys was on TV, so he got to watch it with everyone there. We were talking about it the next night, standing in line for a haunted house of course, when he started acting out the Death By Stereo scene. And then it was, “That’s what I should be for Halloween.”

***

That said, I had officially retired from any and all involvement of Halloween costume planning and prepping. I felt like last year’s Kevin Bacon costume was a solid way to go out, you know? It was a strong costume, and also extremely easy to pull off. The best.

But man, I loved his idea. It was a CHALLENGE. Plus, how could I say no when it involved one of my all-time favorite movies, ever? So I turned to Henry and said, “Well, Chooch finally decided on a costume.

  Good luck!”

I mean, I at least sketched it out for him so he had an idea of what to do, OK? But every last person who knew about this plan was like, “How in the hell….?” I was only 45% confident that we were going to pull it off, and 100% confident that barely no one would get it. But, it’s what Chooch wanted and I thought it was really fucking awesome. This was definitely a costume I could get behind and I was on Henry’s back about it. Which is unusual for me, that whole nagging thing.

The sparks were the hardest things to visualize, but I liked Henry’s interpretation.

This was the first year that we had our shit together in enough time to participate in the neighborhood’s Halloween parade. Seriously, after nine years! Usually we’re still slathering makeup on his face or stuffing him in a box right as the first batch of trick-or-treaters are clambering up our front steps. We were only a block away from our house when Chooch tripped on absolutely nothing, fell, and chipped one corner of his styrofoam speaker. Luckily, we had  to walk right past a CVS on our way to the boulevard, so Henry ran in and bought some duct tape for a quick repair.

On the walk down to the parade’s start line, Chooch got lots of compliments, but you could tell that no one was really getting it. But then, during the parade, I overheard a man with a burlap sack on his head say to his friend, “The Lost Boys! Ha!” and I did a quick fist pump at my side.

Later, a lady turned around and asked, “Is he from the Lost Boys?” YES YES YES HE IS. THANKS!

Meanwhile, some broads were walking around during the parade and handing out papers to some of the kids. One walked over to me and said, “Write his name on the back on this and then have him come over to the stage after the parade and turn it in.” Then she looked at Chooch and started cracking up. I looked at the paper and it said “Funniest Costume.” I wanted to argue her on this, because he wasn’t FUNNY, but I just shrugged, wrote his name, and handed her the pencil back.

We went light on the blood because he was going trick-or-treating with his cousin Zac and I didn’t want him getting that shit in my car. Also, we forgot to buy fangs because it would be weird if we actually had everything right. But then I had a rare moment of brilliance and started stuffing my fists into the pockets of all of my jackets before I was finally rewarded with an unopened package of fangs from Castle Blood. THANK YOU, CASTLE BLOOD! How poetic!

During the parade, Chooch saw some of his friends from school who were just like, “WHAT THE HECK?!” and “I thought you were cotton candy?!”

No matter where we stood in the parade, my nemesis Candy Cane kept appearing right in front of me. She is just the worst. At one point, she was walking toward me with such purpose, I actually considered the possibility that she limp-storming over to slap me in the face, but then she changed directions right before walking into me and crossed the street. Henry saw this happen and thought it was hilarious but it put me in a bad mood, and really, I don’t need much help being put into a bad mood.

The whole parade was kind of pointless and I kept getting stuck behind broads pulling wagons stuffed with children behind them and I was just not built for walking at a parade pace. Luckily, it didn’t last very long and then it was award time. Funniest category was first, thank the lord! My threshold for rubbing elbows with neighbors is pretty non-existent and my head was starting to hurt from clenching my jaw.

Chooch was up against two kids that didn’t have shit on him, and a baby. Henry and I looked at other and cringed because we fucking hate each other, and also because we knew that the baby was going to win.

Because it’s a baby. Babies beat everyone.

So yeah, the baby dressed as a turnip won, but Chooch came in second! The idiot announcing the winners said, “And coming in second place, for $40,000….” and Chooch whipped his head toward us and mouthed, “OMG!” We were like, “No. No! Not $40,000. It was a JOKE.” Ugh.

But man, we’re still hearing about how he was defeated by a BABY.

“And how is a TURNIP funny?!” he cried the next day. I mean, I know. I get it.  People like us never win, my friend.

Maybe he should save this and wear it to the next horror convention.

I don’t know.

De-wigged, winnings in hand.

Sucks that this part was covered by Chooch, but Henry even had lights in the stereo so it looked real. TGFH*.

*(Thank God For Henry. Maybe that will be my next series of Henry pins!)

Chooch couldn’t even tie his shoes on his own with the stereo strapped to his back.  But between his cousin whacking at it with a machete and Chooch’s own natural clumsiness, one of the speakers broke again so he decided to just take it off after about an hour of trick-or-treating.  And then Henry tied Chooch’s wig back because it kept falling into his face, so at that point, he just looked like a vampire Michael Jackson.  But he had fun, and just enough people knew what he was to make it worth it.  And now I’m going back into retirement.

I’m so glad that I don’t have to put this in the “epic fail” category.

The guy who did my apple tattoo posted about Drawlloween on Instagram, which is basically a month of drawing prompts. Chooch enjoys drawing and when I showed this to him, he was pretty gung-ho about it.

I anticipated him to give up half way through, because that’s the True Oh Honestly Way.

But he made it all the way to the second to the last day before losing steam! He finally finished his last drawing today and it was the best one IF YOU ASK ME.

Anyway, here they are, because I told him I would and I only lie sometimes.
  

Somewhere around here I convinced him to use unlined paper, for god’s sake.
  

His amulet was inspired by The Monster Squad, obviously. And he combined grave and demon into one picture because “other people are doing that too!

” God, sorry for asking.

He was going to draw our neighbor Jackie for “witch” but forgot what she looked like. (He had a fight with her a few months ago and after she told him he’s a trouble maker, he blurted out that she’s a witch and we all had a good laugh about that later because who knew he could be so PG.)

His spider was REALLLLLY uninspired, but the dragon makes up for it, if you ask me.

Tell Chooch what you think!

I’m sure if you have children, you share my pain and frustration when it comes to Halloween. I’m thankful that Chooch goes to a school that at least acknowledges that Halloween exists, but then they go and take all the fun out of it because there are so many rules and restrictions when it comes to what they’re allowed to wear and bring in for snacks. 

Anyway, Chooch’s main costume for trick or treating breaks the “NO WEAPONS” rule because it involves half a homemade arrow god forbid. So at the last minute, I decided that we might as well make use of his pink hair and build a cheap l, bare bones costume around it because  the school’s sad excuse for a Halloween party is not worth much more effort than this. 

Stupid cotton candy. 

Henry came home from work early enough to walk to the school and watch the parade with me, so he was there to witness the moment when Chooch broke my HEART by waking out with the cotton all unfluffed AND NO SIGN. 

“He looks like a half-assed clown going to a birthday party! This is STUPID. I HATE TODAY,” I cried to Henry who gave me his canned response of “Take it easy.”

And that little jerk knew he fucked up because he gave me that shit-eating grin/shrug combo and I mouthed “YOU ARE DEAD TO ME” at which point he turned back to his dumb friends and giggled his way on down the parade route while my feelings hung out to dry on a clothesline fashioned from my fragile ego. 

I stormed off with Henry casually following me like this wasn’t the worst thing in the world and he wasn’t bothered by it AT ALL. 

I’ll spare you the details, but there was also a complete tantrum thrown in the middle of an alley on the way to Cannon Coffee and then I was like IM JUST GOING HOME and got even more mad when Henry didn’t try to stop me but then we ended up going to Cannon Coffee anyway because I knew there was no coffee at home and I NEEDED IT. 

I was mostly ok after that. Although Henry just now begged me to please try to calm down for the rest of the day because apparently I’m being a bitch.

I hate Halloween. 

J/K! I still love Halloween. 

Dear blog,

Here I am on Wednesday night, ready to hand in my Parenting Membership Card because my “gifted” son and I are having knock down, drag-out arguments over some goddamn piece of shit project for his idiotic reading class that’s due on Friday and he’s being so dense and I’M SORRY BUT I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR HIM LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. All I wanted to do was watch my #wcw Jillian Michaels yell at people for being idiots on her new show Sweat, Inc. NOT SIT HERE IN A PILE OF FOAM BOARD AND SHARPIES, BICKERING WITH MY KID.

Oh I just can’t stand it.

I’m about to go lie down in a dark room with the Halloween soundtrack on repeat.

Here are pictures of my genius kid from Sunday, when I was still his mom and not yet sailing down a stream to the Island of Broken Moms & Soul-Crushed Dads.

I miss Sunday. We weren’t arguing over a project about animals adapting in the desert. We were playing in leaves and going to a haunted house and watching The Walking Dead.

Not all at once. But, you know.

You want a funny, HILARIOUS story about my angel-son? That little jerk landed himself in In School Suspension last Friday. Yeah, a week after we had that wonderful conference with his teachers, where I walked out of the school feeling so awesome about myself as a parent, Chooch goes and accidentally hurts his buddy in class. I guess his friend was stretching in the seat in front of Chooch, had his arms up in the air and Chooch playfully grabbed one and bent it back, a little too roughly. The teacher called Henry to let him know what happened and was totally upset about it, because she knew it was boys being boys, a total accident, but the kid ended up having to go to the nurse and because of that, Chooch spent the next day in the school slammer.

He was really upset and didn’t want to go to school the next day.

“What if they don’t give me lunch?!” he asked, practically suffocating on fear.

Chooch, it’s just ISS. Even Charles Manson gets to eat lunch!

I spent all Friday at work worrying about him, because that’s rough, you know? But then when I got home that night and asked him how it went, he gushed, “It was awesome!” Apparently, it was him and a bunch of 8th grade boys, and Chooch gets along better with the older kids than the ones in his own grade, so I guess he felt pretty comfortable. He said, “I finished my work early so I just sat there and giggled the rest of the time.” He ended up having to read a math/history book because there was nothing else to do, but it was still awesome to him, for some reason.

Just now, still toiling away at his project, he proudly called over to me, “I saw one of my 8th grade ISS friends today!”

Oh my god.

My delinquent.

The pumpkin prop was all him.

Henry’s home now. Chooch just sighed heavily and Henry said, “What’s wrong?”

“Mommy’s crazy. I mean, she’s my bae, but she is CRAZY,” Chooch said LITERALLY RIGHT BEHIND MY BACK HELLO I’M SITTING RIGHT HERE!?

If you’re wondering about how Chooch’s friend is doing after the Arm Incident, I’m going to guess he’s fine because he was at football practice the same day and he still stops here every morning so that he and Chooch can walk to school together.  And I guess that’s the most important part.

Because I don’t want to have to deal with any irate moms calling my phone.

“Maybe we should have just made a diorama like [name withheld/Chooch’s nemesis],” he says. GTFO WITH THIS “WE” NONSENSE.

Seriously, what kind of sadistic elementary school teacher makes a project due on the day before Halloween?! Doesn’t she know that we’re already embroiled in 87 various projects over here?! This is just the worst.

Yesterday was Chris and Monica’s wedding and it was lovely. I almost never use that word in a non-sarcastic sense, but my sentiments are real. There will be a proper post about that, believe me, but for now, here’s a picture of what my kid wore, which I made him re-wear today when I realized I didn’t get any decent photos of him wearing clothes that weren’t dirty or full of holes. 

He somehow managed to keep his shirt tucked in all night, too!

(His bow tie is actually from Spirit Halloween; he wanted it because it’s Minecraft-esque.)

We’re currently rounding out another beautiful fall weekend with a trip to the WV state pen in Moundsville for their haunted house with my sister Amy and her daughter Brooke. October weekends forever!

Henry and I went to Chooch’s open house last week (yes, we went on the right night this time!) and we learned some cool shit about our crazy kid! I always brace myself at these things because I know he can be a mouthy little brat at times and he certainly isn’t perfect, so there is always that chance that we’re going to get an earful (that’s how it was in catholic school, lol). We went to see his reading teacher first; she was in the middle of speaking with another parent, so Henry and I used that time to wander around the room, looking at the student work on display, and basically looking like creeps.

“Ooh, that was always my favorite when I was a kid!” I whispered to Henry, pointing to a sign on the wall that said Hyperbole. I’ve clearly outgrown that literary device, though.

(I had to explain to Henry what it meant, because he was in remedial English classes.)

When it was our turn, the reading teacher enthusiastically told us that Chooch is basically just winning at life, OK?  Guys, I’m not saying that I thought my kid was learning-disabled or anything, but I guess I just didn’t realize exactly how well he was doing beyond the whole grading scale. The terms “gifted” and “creative” were thrown out more than once! She just kept casually kept saying, “Well, you know, because he’s so gifted, he gets bored easily…” and I was like “SAY IT AGAIN. THE G-WORD. SAY THAT AGAIN.” He’s reading on an adult level—second highest score in the class, and hilariously the only person beating him, by a margin, is this girl who is his ultimate nemesis so he is super annoyed now.

My little nerd.

However, my favorite part was when she started talking about his writing. She said that his writing skills have her completely impressed and that now, when he hands in mediocre assignments, she’ll say to him, “This is what I expect from everyone else in the class, but I expect more from you” and he takes it back and rewrites it and then stands there and makes her read it while he’s watching, all smug-like. Henry was just like, “Oh Jesus Christ, that sounds familiar…” BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT I DO TO HENRY! Hearing all of this made me so proud! I really do try to get him interested in all kinds of different things without being too pageant-mom’ish and pressuring him. But he really has seemed to be enjoying writing lately, which is why I try to gently coax him into guest-blogging on here every now and then. I see so much potential in him and I don’t want him to waste it. I wish my mom would have been more supportive, not that I can get away with eking through life while blaming my wasted potential on her. I mean, I COULD, but I try not to! I’m just as much to blame for the fact that I never tried harder to make something of myself; I was the co-star of that story, after all.

The reading teacher also told us that Chooch has a really hard time keeping his mouth shut and that when she told him she was going to tell us that, he was like, “You won’t tell them anything they don’t already know.” Apparently, he is the only kid that got an assigned seat—in front of a teacher—in their free period after breakfast and before homeroom, so yeah, that sounds about right. But she said he isn’t being disrespectful or bullying, it’s just his silliness that gets him busted. As long as he’s not being a dick to anyone, I’m OK with this.

After that ego-boost, we went to Chooch’s homeroom, where his main teacher walked over to introduce herself and literally, I’m not joking, screamed and clapped when I told her I was Chooch’s mom. Henry and I were like, “Whaaaaat is happening right now.” She told us about how much Chooch makes her laugh and how well he’s doing academically and asked us, “What do you want to you want to talk to me for? You have nothing to worry about it!” She had to go and talk to the other parents who were there before us, and Henry was like, “OK, she said we don’t have anything to worry about, so let’s just go.”

“No way! I want to hear her tell us more good things about him,” I laughed.

I really hope he stays on this track and doesn’t end up losing his way like I did. I didn’t just walk off the track—I sprinted, tripped, and plunged head-first into a pile of dead end-jobs and empty bank accounts. Broke my neck and pride somewhere along the well. But unlike my own family, I don’t imagine that Henry and I would let that happen to Chooch without a fight.

I felt so good after hearing all that stuff about my kid, because sometimes I feel like we don’t do enough for him. it made me really appreciate all of the awesome friends I have, because they have really filled the void left by my estranged family, because that affects Chooch, too. All of my friends, whether they’ve been around since he was a baby or only just in recent years, have been so good to him and have always encouraged him to be himself, no matter how weird, different, or outrageous that may be; I know that this has helped contribute to the awesome human he has grown into. Most of his friends since birth have been grown-ups—this is why any time I make a new friend, he steals them from me!

All of this, and he has excellent taste in music? I’m finally doing something right in my life.

***

“I know this is hard to believe,” I said the next day at work while not-so-humble bragging about my kid to anyone who would listen, “but I was actually tested for the gifted program when I was in elementary school, too. Except that my mom decided to keep me out of it because she didn’t want me to grow up to be ‘weird’.”

“Yeah, that worked out well,” Glenn mumbled.

Demon House  

Ok! Hello. Well we went to Demon house on Friday and we went with Janna. But half way there God forbid Janna had to take a SH**! Ok so when we got there It was kind of chilly. But there was a fire pit! We had a group but I wanted a group so we got one! In the group was a dad a mom and a daughter, Hanna. Ugh, Mommy says I have a crush on her.  She cried through most of it and she had makeup on so you could see the mascara ink run down her face. So there was a “Really Dark Maze” That wasn’t a maze at all because it was just a zigzag tunnel. So Janna led us and we had to follow but it was ok because Janna’s not scared of anything.

So half way in the Dining room there was a blanket covering everything. So I had a feeling a ghost was going to come out. But the dad tried to look for a way out and the ghost followed cause’ it didn’t want us to leave. So then the ghost got tired of being with us so it showed us the way out. Through a bookcase. So then we were in a Carnival part and the Carnival Ringmaster came out and made me, Me, ME! Throw a ball threw a hole. I made it touch the hole but the ball was to big for the hole. So then we had to go through a CLOWN part. God Forbid Clowns! K, then on the way to the parking lot we had to take a shuttle and ride to it. Me and mommy sat down and then this smoker girl and guy who wanted to kill himself because he thought she was so freaking annoying sat across from us. But then we realized they were on a date, TO A HAUNTED HOUSE! WTF? They could go anywhere and they picked a haunted house? Wow! On the way off of the shuttle, the lady said “YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO TREAT A LADY.”  Me and mommy laughed.

The Shadows

K hope you read the Demon House part because it was funnay!!!! So the next day on Saturday (the day before the PIE PARTAY!) Daddy was baking so he couldn’t drive so mommy had to drive, and you know how bad she is at finding things with the GPS. But that’s not the thing. Me and mommy got lost because… Oh wait let me tell you where we went, lol! We went to The Shadows. The GPS took us somewhere completely different. It took us in the middle of the road and said you’re here! Ugh so annoying. So then after about 10 minutes of looking we finally found it! I thought we would get lost forever because the GPS died. ); . So then we saw a fake dead cat and it got so famous. People were taking pictures and touching it.

In line me and mommy were talking about Ju-on (AKA The Grudge) and the stars and how they were formed into illuminati. But yeah um. Oh when we were walking in the trail we saw a girl. Well I saw a girl standing at the end and mommy was too busy looking at a tree. Lol! Oh probably because there was a guy standing there but everyone knows the kids are scarier. So then the tree monster came out and spooked mommy. Then at the end we caught up to the group in front of us and the chainsaw guy came after them and not us but mommy still got spooked when he said “Hey what are you doing!?!?”

I liked it.

Dark View

Yesterday on Saturday we went to Dark view in Ohio. But the best part happened before we got there when the GPS told us to go through an industrial area which mommy almost puked because she hates industrial areas. But when we got there it was freezing cold and the parking guy dude asked us if we had any alcohol, marijuana, weapons, or any sort of drug. I had a paper gun and I said “What if he thought it was real?” Then when we parked I asked mommy “Can I have my marijuana yet?” Lol! Then we saw this devil guy with beaver or squirrel shoulder pads and a cane. Mommy wanted me to get a picture with him. So I did. Then in the line there were two parts and we didn’t know which part we needed to do. So then we picked the smaller one. Then a lady came and asked “How was it?”. We said “We didn’t do it yet.” So then she told us to go do the bigger one first.

So we did and in the line for that I said if daddy got scared he could do Kawaii! But he wouldn’t get scared because he’s “THE MAN!” . When we got inside the actual haunted house part daddy almost peed his pants because he got spooked of the talking portrait that was yelling at the old lady who brought us in the house. I don’t really remember what he said but I do know he said something about taking his house. After that part we went into a library I think and the librarian was screaming and I was this close = to  saying no screaming in the library. Then we got to a graveyard part and some camouflage guy got up from the ground and spooked mommy. The part after that was a garage and the guy in there was trying to build a birdhouse so then he asked who here knows how to build a birdhouse I pointed at daddy. He asked him how many can you make in an hour. Daddy said 2. I said you can make way more than 2.

Then we got into a bathroom and the girl in there said mommy wasn’t potty trained yet and some other dude needed to take a bath because she didn’t want him stinking up the house. Then she made us smell some weird smelly thing. Nobody liked the smell but me. ):  The we ran into a doll room and the bathroom girl was trapped inside the wall. The dolls didn’t do anything. After that we went into a dining room with food on the table. The girl there said whos hungry well I was was so I said I was. But she didn’t feed me anything. );  Then her husband “chainsaw dude” chased us out of the house. I didn’t run. Mommy pushed me into the wall. Then in the “small house” we got in and it was like fisherman and hunter room. I had a feeling daddy wanted to go fishing after the haunted house.

Then we had to get our picture and  I looked creepy as hell. Then he said he wanted to shoot one of us and we he did the lights turned off and a really loud speaker with a shotgun sound went off. But then it was just a butcher that wanted to butcher someone so me and daddy pushed mommy into him.  But he ended up not butchering her. Then it was just a sort of outside thing with another camouflage guy a guy going to hang himself and he tied the rope around his neck and it magically untied. Then it was just some more outside and then a maze. The maze had a chainsaw guy and me and mommy lost daddy. BUT THEN ANOTHER CAMOUFLAGE GUY WAS THERE. Daddy went a whole different way then us because the chainsaw guy was blocking him so he didn’t want go with us. Then we froze to death. I loved it and it was worth driving that far even though we had to go through the freaking black forest in Ohio.

No Spoilers Ahead: Me mommy and Corey went to see Goodnight Mommy. Corey was late so we couldn’t get a mask. They were handing out masks because it was the mask the twin boys wore to scare their mom. Their mom had plastic surgery and they wanted their mom back because they thought she was acting differently. They looked like our friend Kara’s son Harland but older.

So Kara should be scared. When it was over I said that wasn’t scary that was sad. It wasn’t English it was German. But don’t worry it had subtitles. I almost fell down the stairs but that doesn’t matter. You could sometimes see the moms man boobs sometimes. That’s when I covered my eyes. Mommy had to cover her eyes sometimes, too. But I’m not going to say why because that would be a spoiler. I didn’t understand the movie it was strange and creepy. After mommy and Corey explained what it was about I understood it.

I was sad mommy was scared. We saw it at the Hollywood Theatre in Dormont.

I would recommend this movie to people who aren’t pregnant or have kids. There was no funny parts all creepy.

  The movie is abusive.

I was the only kid there! (;    If I had a kid I wouldn’t bring them to see this movie. Just saying. But you suit you. I’m not your MOM.

Yesterday, I remembered this old Lip Service Asian-style smoker’s jacket thing that I bought ages ago when Avalon in Oakland was awesome and sold new shit and not “gently worn” basic bitch cardigans. Obviously, I’m too fat so sad to wear it anymore, but I paid a lot of money for it and I like it too much to sell on eBay or drop off at Goodwill. Plus, this was supposed to be my signature jacket for once I was turned into a vampire and I’m still clinging on to that, OK?

Chooch and I were bored yesterday evening. Henry was napping (what a shocker). I needed to take a break from the painting I’m currently working on, and that’s usually when I pull out the camera. Taking pictures always calms me down. Except for when Chooch gives me a hard time and then we fight and we hate each other and I make him an orphan and then Henry yells at both of us and there are tears and I threaten to smash my camera against a tombstone.

(OMG remember the unicorn in the wheelchair photoshoot when Chooch and I were unsupervised and far away from home!?)

Chooch was having a pretty good hair day so I yanked that jacket out of the back of my closet, knocking a bunch of other things off the hangers and then leaving them on the floor for Henry to pick up later. I had Chooch try it on and it actually kind of fit him so I asked him if he would wear it in pictures and he was like, “WOULD I?” as he gently stroked the faux-fur on the sleeves.

We originally had no theme in mind until we went in the backyard and saw that our neighbor Larry*had a shovel and wheelbarrow laying around, so Chooch grabbed the shovel and started digging. And that’s how this happened.

*(I have no idea who this guy is but Chooch literally knows every single person on our street; he’s much more people-y than I am)

My favorite memory of this jacket is from 1998, when I was having a big party at my townhouse (it was first post-high school apartment so you can imagine what went on there) for my friend Lisa’s birthday. One of my mom’s friends lived in the same townhome complex and saw me in the parking lot that night wearing this jacket. She called my mom and totally NARC’d on me, because she knew I didn’t have a job and made some passive aggressive comment about how “Erin is always wearing such nice, fancy clothes.” BECAUSE I HAD A CORPORATE AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD THAT MOMMY PAID FOR, mind your own business, cooze!

But yeah, my mom called me the next day and was all, “Blah blah called me and said…

”

It wasn’t even THAT expensive, maybe like $150? Which I guess is kind of a lot of money for a sporadically-employed 18-year-old sometimes-telemarketer to spend on a jacket that she knew she was only going to wear twice, probably.

Hot Naybor Chris came out at one point to get something from his garage.

He looked at us, did a double take, raised one eyebrow curiously, and then shrugged. God love him.

This was his own pose. I think he really liked wearing that jacket.

I just let him do whatever keeps him content and easy to work with. I learned that the hard way over the years.

And since Chooch was wearing his Never Shout Never shirt underneath the jacket, here is one of their new songs. They just released their new album last month and we were listening to it in the car yesterday when we went to visit our friend Ricky, and I felt like I was in a psychedelic haze by the time it played the whole way through.

I gotta hand it to Chooch for making me give NSN a second chance when he got into them two years ago, because I had way too hastily written off Christofer Drew. That kid is a fucking weirdo in all the best ways, and the new album is fantastic.

Chooch sometimes tries to get us to be “a normal family.” Like he thinks that by ironically referring to us as “Ma” and “Pa,” I’m going to suddenly know how to cook and Henry’s going to slap on a baseball mitt and suggest a rousing game of catch before “supper.”

But then I’m like “Well then you’re going to have to start speaking appropriately and not like you’re halfway to perfecting the Aristocrats.” NORMAL FAMILIES LIVE ON TWO-WAY STREETS.

(I grew up on a dead-end private lane that was only room enough for one car to drive down at a time so if another car was coming, they’d have to pull into someone’s driveway to let you pass. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere for my stubborn, bulldozing family.)

But sometimes, in between stupid animal masked photo shoots and spastic road trips, I’ll throw the poor kid a bone. So I promised him that we would play Life when I came home from work last night because he played it with his twin girlfriends (TWINS) and is obsessed with it.

(Or obsessed with the fact that he played it with TWINS!)

I FINALLY GOT MARRIED!

It’s been YEARS since I played Life and it seemed A LOT different and more complicated  than I remember. This may be because I was relying on Chooch’s wishy-washy instructions.  The career I blindly chose was TECH SUPPORT and I was so angry because I did something similar to that for awhile and wanted to die the whole time. And I definitely did not get that much money for it, either. However, Henry’s career was “Artist” and he made much less than my tech support gig.

I don’t think Tech Support was a career the last time I played this. New Life sucks. I want the old one back.

Chooch kept losing turns and having to pay bullshit fines and was so angry about it. He started to cry at one point but tried to play it off. But,  we have similar gaming tempers so I knew that his tears actually meant that there was a fiery fury being stoked with the Devil’s poker, so what did I do? I discreetly cheated until I won, bitches!

People cheat. That’s life. There’s your lesson, son.

With his peeps.

Modeling a t-shirt from Kendahl. It really makes his eyes pop. :)

Reppin’ PVRIS.

• School starts on the 31st. I’m simultaneously thrilled and depressed.
• Henry and I let him start a private FB account so that he can play games (ugh) and also have a way to contact us during the day. I let him add some of his family and some our close friends, and made sure that his settings prevented random strangers from contacting him. Everything was fine but then he figured out that he could add people to a group chat that Henry started for the three of us, so he started adding some of my friends, who in turn were like, “WHY IS MY PHONE BLOWING UP WITH FACEBOOK STICKERS? WHY DON’T YOU TRY PARENTING YOUR KID FOR A CHANGE!?” and I was frantically trying to remove people as he was adding them, WHILE I WAS AT WORK. By the time I got home, I marched over to him and yelled, “I’M DELETING YOUR ACCOUNT, YOU SUCK!” And Henry was all, “Now, now, kids. Let’s try to talk about this” but it was too late because Chooch and I had each other by the neck at this point. So I stormed off because fuck you for meddling, Henry. A little while later, Chooch came into my bedroom and sneered, “You don’t have to worry about me anymore BECAUSE I UNFRIENDED YOU.” Mother. Fucker.
  • His profile picture is Marcy. :(
• Chooch had an altercation with one of our neighbors. I’ve been trying to get him to write about it because it’s awesome. We’ll see.
• All of his neighborhood friends are annoying. I hope that they all stop playing together once school starts. OK MAYBE IT’S JUST THAT I HATE KIDS.

And that’s all I got right now. I need another vacation. Sucks to be me. Too bad, so sad.

I do this thing where, as I’m writing blog posts, I’m actually hearing myself talking in my head to a group of imaginary friends, kind of like when you’re preparing to take the stand in a murder trial by staring at yourself in a mirror and clearing your throat a lot. So while I was thinking of all the things I wanted to say in this post about Emarosa, my brain-voice was machine-gunning the words at such an alarming pace that I gave myself a headache.

In other words, I am fucking stoked as hell to tell you, imaginary friends, about how it felt to see Emarosa at Warped Tour last Thursday, a/k/a THE BEST DAY OF 2015 THUS FAR.

If you’re a new figment of my fake readership, let me give you a brief run-down of my love affair with Emarosa and why I didn’t give a shit who else was playing at the same time as them that day because this day trumps all. I fell in love with them in 2008 after Jonny Craig got kicked out of Dance Gavin Dance and picked up by Emarosa, currently in need a new singer. Jonny Craig was It for me back then so naturally Emarosa became my favorite band.

Jonny fucked them over big time in 2011, and so the rest of the band really had no choice but to part ways with him. Jonny was all, “Good luck Emarosa, you guys are nothing without me” and for awhile it was starting to look like he was right; they all but fell off the face of the earth, popping up sporadically to let Facebook and Twitter know that they weren’t done, they were still writing music and looking for a singer.

It took them three years, but they found Bradley Walden and proceeded to record their best album to date; it has never felt better being an Emarosa fan. My pride for them is so ridiculously over-the-top that you’d think Chooch was in the band.

Thinking of the shitty position that Jonny put Emarosa in (remember the MacBook scandal?) always leaves me with the bitter taste of chopped cabbage in my mouth.

(It’s worth noting that Emarosa only played the first leg of Warped Tour, and then a day after their last date, Jonny’s new band Slaves jumps on for the last leg. There was absolutely no overlap. #soblessed that the Pittsburgh date got Emarosa and not misogynistic, drama-perpetuating Slaves!)

I always get real on edge right before seeing a band that I’m super into, so around 4:30 (35 minutes before their set time), I started to feel pretty barfy, coupled with some intense pants-peeing giddiness. I mean that in all of the best ways, like back in high school when you would hide behind a corner, waiting to take a clandestine photo of Scott Dambaugh with your 35MM camera; or when you would have your mom drive you past his house; or when you and your best friend would walk “casual” laps around the mall while you hoped to spot him slinking about lazily in his billowing Stüssy pants, OMG IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT.

It had been raining, and I mean RA-HAY-NING, intermittently all day long, and it conveniently started up again right before 5:00. I was bummed, because Emarosa has been making huge waves this summer on Warped Tour, and were even bumped up to the main stage for one of the dates, thanks to their incredibly energetic performances. They’ve been growing more and more popular, and the pictures I had been seeing online showed that they were drawing really big crowds for a band playing on one of the smaller stages.

Unfortunately, the rain drove a ton of people clear to the other side of the venue, beneath the amphitheater’s sheltering roof, leaving very few of us to brave it out before the Kevin Says stage. By the time Emarosa came on, the rain was coming down in bullet-like sheets, and there were times I had to shut my eyes because it felt like my contacts were being knocked off my eyeballs.

But it was worth it. Fuck the rain! Bradley gave zero fucks about the weather and spent 95% of their set immersed in the audience. (The few times he was actually on stage, he was busy busting out basic gymnastics stunts and spinning Will upside down. He has done nothing short of busting his ass to win over the old Jonny Craig fans, and in the process, he has garnered a ton of new recruits as well. If I wasn’t such a blathering mess in these situations, I would like to hug him and thank him for breathing new life into Emarosa. And then I’d like to grovel in the faces of Will and Jordan about how grateful I am that they didn’t stop trying and how I never gave up, and how proud I am of them and most of all, fuck Jonny Craig! He was nothing but poison. I wasted so much time defending him when all he gave back was slurred performances and humiliating encounters. I’m too old to fuck around with that.

Moments after the above picture was taken, Bradley had crowd-surfed his way over to where I was standing and I got to touch him and was like OMFG about it for the rest of the day. Chooch likes to tell everyone that I cried, but I promise you I didn’t actually cry. I only cried once all day, and that was during PVRIS’s set. (MORE ON THAT IN ANOTHER POST.)

This was actually only my seventh time: 3x with Jonny as the singer, once with Tilian Pearson who was filling in when Jonny was forced to go to a detox facility, and 3x with Bradley. I am here to report that this was the best performance of them all. I was so excited that this was Chooch’s first time getting to see them live! He seemed really into it, and we were right in front of the barrier so he could see perfectly (not like Bradley was ever on the stage!) but there was a moment when I looked over my shoulder at Chooch and he was making this anguished face, so I thought to myself, “Oh boy, here we go. The Brat is surfacing.” Because he has a pretty low threshold when it comes to doing things he doesn’t want to be doing, so I thought maybe he had grown tired of Emarosa so quickly and was about to start whining about wanting to go home.

Boy, sit yo’ ass down. We ain’t leaving when Pierce the Veil is on next!

Anyway, I found out later that his contorted face was out of repulsion because there was a couple behind me who were making out, God forbid.

Just, wow. Bradley proves over and over that Jonny isn’t the only golden-throated angel in this scene. It makes me laugh that after Bradley had joined the band, Jonny was tweeting about how Emarosa wasn’t “allowed” to ever play “his” songs again, but they are. And Bradley is KILLING IT. “Set It Off Like Napalm” coming out of his mouth is almost too much for me to handle.

If we’re being honest here, I don’t think Emarosa is going to be this scene’s best kept secret much longer. They are too good and deserve mainstream success. I’m rooting for them so fucking hard.

***

Right after the last song ended (1996 On Bevard!), Bradley said he was going to be at their merch tent meeting everyone; after dropping the mic, he ran straight up that soggy, muddy hill, true to his word. We quickly followed, and thanks to the still-heavy rain, only about 20 people beat us there. There was a little bit of time to spare before Pierce the Veil, so I asked Chooch if he would be my proxy and meet Bradley and Chooch was like, “Yeah, duh.”

He’s clearly a pro at rubbing elbows with bands now, you guys.

“I dare you to tell him that he’s better than Jonny,” I said, laughing as we stood in line.

“What will you give me if I do?” he immediately asked, his wagering cap securely fastened under his chin. It’s never free with him! What happened to the days when the mere act of accepting and completing a dare was all the glory needed?

So I promised him a dollar. That little crook.

I know Chooch already posted this picture in his own blog post, but it is too glorious not to repost over and over again.

God I can’t even remember what happened now when it was Chooch’s turn, I was shaking so bad. But I will tell you that right after I took this picture, Chooch started to walk away but then turned back and said, “You’re better than Jonny.”

“Thanks, man!  I agree,” Bradley said, propelling me into a tailspin of IS THIS REAL LIFE.

I shot myself with a horse tranquilizer just in time to chime in with, “We’re Team Emarosa!” Bradley probably said “thanks” or something, but I couldn’t hear past the psychotic ringing in my ears.

“You’re so goddamn awkward,” Henry said after we walked away. WTF I felt like I was being pretty OK and normal for once? I dwelled on it on for the rest of the day, trying to recreate in my head what I must have sounded like. Probably Bullwinkle. So, thanks, Henry. I’m glad you fucking fell down the hill!

***

I’ve been going through serious withdrawals like I always do after a show, particularly Warped Tour. But the good news is that I’M GOING TO SEE EMAROSA AGAIN TOMORROW NIGHT IN CLEVELAND, WOO!

Hello world. This is Chooch and I’m going to tell you about what I did at Warped Tour. The first half, Erin.Is.Bae will do the second.

Part I: Pvris

I met Lynn Gunn at Warped Tour and I was so happy. I wanted to do that all day. And it was towards the end I met her. I was lucky because I was going to be the last person in line but someone begged the guy to go behind me. Because he didn’t want to look like a jerk in front of me. So I was 10x more happier. She’s in a band named PVRIS and they’re my number 1 favorite Band. They aren’t that old of a band they are pretty new. They’re from Boston.

Part II: NSN

I also enjoyed watching NeverShoutNever they were good. A lot of girls probably cried but I couldn’t hear over the noise. He used to have brown hair but now he has blonde hair. If you like BryanSTARS (Who does?) you might know he did a interview with Chris like about 2 years ago and Chris said that he didn’t want to answer bullshit questions to Bryan and he cried. It was actually sad.

Part III: We Came As Romans

I loved them! I saw them at my FIRST Warped Tour. I really want to meet them but I cant because they wont do a meeting*.

*(Erin here: I think they did do a meeting but it conflicted with something I wanted to do. And what I want to do trumps all.)

You should listen to them right now! Here’s a link to my favorite song:

I’m listening to them right now while I’m writing this. I really like them.

Part IV: Bradley

I met Bradley from Emarosa and mommy cried because she touched him. Also when we watched them people were making out behind me and I was really mad. His arms all warm and his hair was wet because shitty weather has to happen. I also told him that he’s better than Jonny. (In case you don’t know who Jonny is he used to be the singer of Emarosa and mommy liked him and now hes a douchebag and in a band named Slaves.)

VI: Merch

Well, I got CDs, shirts, comic book, two water bottles (one that I already broke the very next day and one that’s meant to be taken outside that I got for free by saying SKATER MOM to the people at the Vans tent), and gross stickers that came with a Koo Koo Kanga Roo CD called Gross.

Clearly, now you know why I like to go to Warped Tour: bands, music, meetings, merch!

 [Erin.Is.Bae here: I’m gonna owe him a damn cabbage roll now for writing this.]

It rained A LOT over the weekend, so when we had a little bit of a reprieve on Sunday afternoon, I begged Chooch to go for a walk with me. And then, since he got to buy a new Skylander on Saturday, I guilted him into letting me take more pictures of him, because I was bored as fuck. (This happens every time I designate a “chill” weekend. I am just not meant to sit at home.)

Henry, barely glancing up from the couch, mumbled, “Be careful” as we walked out the door.

There are a lot of creepy alleys in Brookline, so we picked one and went from there.

Chooch’s dumb mouth set off a series of dog-barking, which was totally annoying and brought a ton of attention to the two a-holes slinking around suspiciously behind houses. As we neared what seemed to be the alpha dog on the street, I mistakenly said, “Hi buddy!” which alerted, I am not shitting you, EIGHT MORE DOGS to come charging at the fence from the side of the house.

Granted, they were all really small dogs, terriers and things like that (I’m bad with recognizing canine breeds), but their barks were way bigger than the large alpha dog guarding the gate. Chooch and I cracked up because it was so cartoon-ish how this herd of tiny dogs just materialized seemingly out of nowhere.

I bet that street doesn’t have a burglary problem.

His face is always dirty.

Chooch got this shirt from the Pierce the Veil show in Lancaster when he was 6. I think it’s an Adult XS and now it almost doesn’t fit him anymore! :(

Yes, please. Pretend like you’re breaking and entering. Alert more hounds.

I like this one because it looks like he’s in a “DON’T COME NEAR ME!” stance, which is lovely and sends all the right messages to Child Protective Services.

Almost all of Chooch’s time these days is monopolized by the neighborhood kids (he has a fan club — they sit on the porch and wait for him) so I was happy that he gave me 30 minutes of his precious time. He actually didn’t even bitch about it once we got out of the door!

I’m pretty sure the only reason Chooch agreed to go on this walk with me is because he was hoping to stumble upon his GIRLFRIEND.

On the way home, we walked past succulent city! Some house had a whole shit load of succulents in long troughs and I plucked one of the leaves right the fuck off so I could take it home and propagate it because “propagate” is now a regular part of my vocabulary. Chooch was appalled that I “stole” this, but no dogs barked so it was an easy getaway.

***

Later that night, I was inspired by the upcoming premier of the new MTV Scream series (and also my brother Corey’s fanatical texts while watching MTV’s Scream marathon) to revisit the first Scream movie. Somehow, Chooch has lived nine years without ever seeing it (though he does know about it), so he ran upstairs to grab his blanket and then settled in on the couch with Henry and me in a rare, American family moment. (Henry will usually go in the other room and pretend like he’s doing important things on the computer when we watch horror movies because he’s scared.)

“That lady looks familiar,” Chooch said at one point.

“She was on ‘Friends,'” I said, and then he knowingly said, “Oh yeah. Courtney Cox.”

This cracked me up, that a nine-year-old knows Courtney Cox’s name because of ‘Friends’.

Anyway, after Scream ended, Chooch emphatically announced, “I LOVED IT.” And then, after thinking about it, he added, “I didn’t know it was going to be so funny, too.” Nothing fazes him.