For that extra touch of Yuletide bullshit.

 I’m not really that big on Christmas decorating, but all my work friends have their little desk trees out and I guess I caught some sort of gay (as in 1950’s happy, not gay) yuletide virus.

I told Henry that I wanted to make a Jonny Craig tree and asked him where I could find one.

“The garbage dump,” he mumbled.

Much to his chagrin,  I bought a small tree and some blank ornaments at Pat Catan’s on Saturday.

 Painted the ornaments red and gold and then glued some Christmas-y Jonny Craig pictures to them. Jonny Angel, Jonny Kringle…

…Ginger Jesus.

 <3

“You won’t be able to do that,” Henry said in the car today. “It’ll make the tree too top heavy!”

OH LOOK WHO MADE IT HAPPEN, MOTHERNIPPLES.

Random pom-poms upon my repurposed Halloween Carnival fabric. See Henry, I told you I would find other uses for it.

You might notice that my tree is unlit. I actually do have a strand of lights here, but I felt that at this point, it would basically just be gilding the lily.

(Or it could be because I have mild decorating retardation and couldn’t get the lights on it.)

It’s not done yet. I still have a garland of Glenns to make.

I also need more Jonny ornaments! Anyone feeling crafty? (No, seriously! Make me one!)

The other day, I was wandering around the streets of downtown on my break. This is only slightly dangerous, as I’ve been learning a lot about my surroundings, i.e. how to find my way back to The Law Firm. I decided that I wanted to check out the Christkindlmarket in Market Square, which is basically a fancy way of saying, “Look, we built tiny store fronts full of European wares.”

Of course, I needed to see if there were any Bavarian-flavored goods being sold, but while I was out there, I noticed that SANTA CLAUS IS THERE! AND HE HAS HIS OWN HOUSE!

I have been around many Santas in my day, but never have I felt so strong a desire to have my picture taken with one.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have any money on me, and besides, I was already “accused” of having “no friends” so why get a picture taken proving that? It would be way more fun wrangling some of my work friends, I mean “colleagues,” to join me.

I came running back to work and burst into Carey’s office. After I panted out my request, she promised that she would go with me the next day.

So yesterday I painted my nails all Christmas-like, put on an emerald green silk shirt for extra yueltide flair, and even spent some extra time straightening my hair all nice and un-hobo-like….

…only to get to work and have Carey tell me she was “too busy.”

“But your hair looks really nice today!” she said as a way to compensate for my rapidly falling face.

“Yeah, because I THOUGHT I was getting my picture taken with Santa today,” I said in a huff.

Meanwhile, Barb had left early, Wendy said she was too scared (like I brought my own Santa or something), and Gayle and Amber1 had already taken their breaks. However, Amber2 told me that if I could hold my red-nosed horses until Monday, she would happily go with me. (I should have just asked her in the first place, since she’s also the person who went Furry-hunting with me last June.)

But then today Carey casually proposed that we go get felt up by Santa. At first I was like, “WTF, I look like crap* today!”

*(See also: “normal”)

Whatever. Sane hair or Hobo hair, I was getting my fucking picture taken with Santa’s fat ass one way or another. I was so excited and ran around rubbing it into everyone’s faces (Glenn responded with a blank stare).

But when Carey and I got down there, we found out that it was cash or food donation only. No credit cards. My heart sank—I didn’t have enough time to run to an ATM because my break was halfway over by then.

Carey shrugged and said she had nothing, so I hung my head and we walked away.

As we retreated, I noticed an older black woman up ahead and recoiled at her appearance. But then I thought to myself, “Oh, she has zombie makeup on. There must be a zombie event happening.”

(Pittsburgh is the Zombie capital of the world, so…not unusual.)

But as we got closer, I realized that there was actually something wrong with her. Her face was ashy, about four shades lighter than the rest of her, and she was wearing bright red lipstick.

Her hair? THAT was legit hobo hair.

And then she opened her mouth to reveal a pit full of rotted stubs.

“Excuse me, do you got any money so I can get some dinner?” she asked in a panhandling drawl.

“No,” I replied, walking away and leaving Carey to have her face gnawed off for dinner by Hobo Zombie.

I didn’t really think anything of it. I knew that Carey was going to Chipotle to get dinner and I had to get back to work.

Ten minutes later, I was at Barb’s desk, whining about how once again, I was Santa pictureless, when Carey marched by with her bag of Chipotle.

“Thanks for leaving me with that homeless woman,” she spat. “What a great way to treat your Santa wingman.”

I lost it, totally folded myself in half with giddy laughter.

“Wait, what’s this?” Barb asked. “You conveniently left that part of the story out!”

“And just so you know, when I was in Chipotle I discovered that I actually did have leftover cash, so that’s what you get for deserting me.” And then, as her office door shut behind her, Carey tacked on an effective, “Asshole.”

I walked away, crying with laughter, while various co-workers noted with sarcasm my valiant propensity at having the backs of friends.

Later, upon further discussion, Carey and I deduced that the beggar may have been a black albino.

“How terrible to be TWO minorities,” Carey said solemnly, but I only started laughing harder. Then I returned to my office, where I laughed alone for the next 30 minutes.

In other work news: I used the microwave here for the first time last night and totally fucked that up.

They moved me away from Barb, you guys. :( Yes, it’s kind of cool that I have an office-thing now, but I’m so far away from Barb! And I actually have to do work now! Oh, if only you could hear my whines.

When I told Chooch that I was being moved away from Barb, he said, “Oh, because you guys talk too much?”

Well, there’s that too.

Don’t worry, all of my Jonny pictures followed me here, although I did leave one for Barb. I might start sending her random Jonnies through interoffice mail.

A-ron apparently wasn’t kept abreast of the departmental moves and was shocked when he walked by my old turf and saw my empty desk. He asked Barb what was going on, so naturally she told him that I quit, which is incredibly apropos given our last conversation about me being stressed out here. He came to see me later and said, “I mean, I was shocked, but only because I thought you would at least last a month.”

Oh, ha ha.

My new digs are right around the corner from Glenn. He said I was “lowering the property value” and then threw a ball of refuse at me when he walked by earlier today. I forgot to bring over my garbage can from my old desk, so I just let it sit on the floor for about two hours, thinking he would come back and pick it up.

Apparently, stress makes me naive too.

But you know, things are going alright. I haven’t cried here since Wednesday. I think mostly because I’m half-numb. And now when the support line rings, I just feel disgust instead of panic. So basically, I’m right on track.

And when I was cleaning out my old desk drawers, I found the voodoo Santas that Andrea and I made last year! So that’s a bright spot in the week, for sure.

My fucking 6-year-old handles change better than I do.

I love that Chooch’s front teeth are all exploited every time he take a swig from an iced tea bottle. It makes me crack up every time!

Here he is posing with Iceburgh (Penguins mascot) at the Heart Walk 5k we participated in Saturday morning. (Yet another frown-factory for Henry.)

Chooch has been especially sassy lately. Henry said they were at Kmart (ew) on Monday when Chooch grabbed a flag and shouted, “Me and mommy are voting tomorrow! We’re voting for Obama! Daddy’s voting for his ass!”

Then this morning, he casually asked, “I wonder if Mitt Romney is throwing a fit right now?”

In other news: what a fucking asshole of a week this is. Highlight was the Pierce the Veil show last night, which I wanted to write about today but I wasn’t able to take a break at work, so there went that idea.

Aron and I were commiserating today on what a cluster fuck work has been since our new program was launched on Monday.

“Well, a month from now—” he started.

“You’ll all be saying how much you miss Erin Kelly,” I finished for him.

And he laughed BECAUSE IT’S TRUE.

 Flock of Seaglenns, Dennis Rodman Glenn, Whoopi Glennberg, Hello Kitty Glenn.

I’m pretty sure these are the last of the Glenn stragglers. How anticlimatic, right? I haven’t known what to do with myself during my breaks everyday now. I wanted to take Real Glenn’s picture next to the Wall of Glenns, but he got all weird about it.

Starting on Monday, I have a new position here at The Law Firm, and a new boss too. Joy said that as my new supervisor, she demands a Glenn a day. So maybe I’ll find some non-Halloween slant to keep this alive.

One of the things I really wanted to do was to post an untarnished Glenn base here on the blog and have you guys make your own Glenns. You could either print it out and mail it back to me, or do it digitally and then we could have an Internet collection! I MEAN COME ON YOU GUYS, HOW MUCH FUN WOULD THAT BE!?

(Yes, this is the actual size of the Glenns I’ve been making.)

Look! I even made an email address for it: theglennproject@gmail.com Send in  your Glenns!!

Started stripping my desk of all its creepy carnival splendor today. It looks so bare and professional (well, as professional as a desk wrapped around an Erin Rachelle Kelly can look) and BORING.

A few people came over to get their Glenns and I had to send them away. The Glenn Dispenser is on the floor now, empty of encapsulated Halloween fun-balls. No more Glenns. No more fun.

:(

:(

:(!!!!!!!

One of my co-workers called me a wasted talent while admiring the Wall of Glenns. I know, right? If only there was a bigger market for miniature Glenn doodles.

Barb, happy that her recent back pain has lessened enough for her to be able to stand up straight, exclaimed, “I feel like I’m so much taller now, like the Jolly Green Giant.”

“UGH, Jolly Green Giant Glenn!” I cried. God, all the good Glenns have been coming to me after the fact.

Elsewhere at The Law Firm, there are speculations that the Anti-Paperclip Goblin might be leaving and I’m getting moved to a new area which I’m both happy and sad about. I suspect my work life is going to become extremely stressful. At least for a little while. Not like the Internet will have to deal with me bitching about it.

Earlier this evening, I overheard my boss yell to Carey, “Did you seriously just ask Erin Kelly if she watches American Horror Story? Of COURSE she watches American Horror Story, she’s ERIN KELLY.

”

I guess I can think of worse reputations to have at work.

Aladdin Glenn, Lizzie Borden Glenn, Garden Gnome Glenn, Wolf Glenn, Dios de los Muertos Glenn, Bob Ross Glenn

I have the day off tomorrow, so there will still be one more post for the last few Glenn stragglers on Thursday, but I don’t think there are many more that I haven’t photographed already. I was really disappointed that I didn’t get much free time tonight at work to knock out some more.

Priorities. I gots ’em.

But mostly, this is it. The Last of the Glennhicans.

More Cowbell Glenn (requested by my friend Chris who doesn’t work with me but has greatly delighted my co-workers with this one!

), Tippi Hedren/The Birds Glenn, Monopoly Banker Glenn, Miss Piggy Glenn, Charles Manson Glenn, Walmart Greeter Glenn

Mama Cass Glenn, Magnum P.I. Glenn, Conan Glenn, Astronaut Glenn, Marie Antoinette Glenn (this one was a gigantic bomb), The Shining Glenn

Candy Striper Glenn, Just Married Glenn, Octomom Glenn, King Kong Glenn (for Tyler, one of the envied Law Firm escapees), Dorothy Glenn, Malibu Glenn (for Heather)

The Beatles Glenn, Glenny Appleseed, Shark Attack Glenn

There are only a handful left in the big giant Glenn dispenser for people to pick tomorrow. I’m sad I won’t be there! But then I remember it’s work, and suddenly I’m OK with having the day off.

 Glenn Close Glenn (Henry didn’t get this one!), Chef BoyarG, Luau Glenn, Glenn in the Hat, Miami Vice Glenn, Glenn Danzig Glenn.

 Elton John Glenn, Glenn of the Corn, Darth Glenn, Gary Bettman Glenn (NHL Commisioner, FYI), Jigsaw Glenn, Pulp Fiction Overdose Glenn.

 Devo Glenn, Einstein Glenn, Sea Monkey Glenn, Batman Glenn, Bill Cosby Glenn (with Puddin’ Pop and Jello!), Captain Ahab Glenn.

 Damsel in Distress Glenn!

 ALL OF THE GLENNS!

Also new for this week was Candy the Clown’s stomach contents, which was a big fail.

I had Henry make a big batch of slime, and then I added paper clips.

Because that is what Glenn the Clown made Candy choke on, you see. Paper clips. Someday I will explain the paper clip obsession.

 Warhol Glenn, Honey Glenn Glenn, Glenn Flintstone, Boy Glenn, Lepreglenn, Glenn of Hearts.

 Mozart, Zsa Zsa Gabor and Crooked Cop Glenn!!, I Love Lucy Glenn, Teletubby Glenn, Michael Jackson Glenn, Rambo Glenn.

 Dolly Parton Glenn, Jay Leno Glenn, Little Merglenn, Henry Glenn, The Glenn Formerly Known as Glenn, Monica Lewinski & Bill Clinton Glenn.

 Carrie Glenn, Lone Ranger Glenn, She Ra Glenn, The Glennfather, Jason Voorhees Glenn, Chucky Glenn.

CHOCOLATE CAKE GLENN!

(Big ups to Sandy for procuring this prime piece of Glenn real estate for me!)

Glenn is getting married on Saturday, so today we celebrated his upcoming nuptials at work with cake and champagne. Barb and I devised a way to keep the Glenn Defacement Project going past Halloween without pissing off the bosses. Pretty pleased about that.

 Stalker Glenn, Gallagher Glenn (I thought the inclusion of a watermelon would be the tell-tale sign, but alas–wrong guesses across the board), Leatherface Glenn, Ziggy Stardust Glenn (for Maya!), Unicorn Glenn, Flava Flav Glenn (for Seri!)

 Elliott & ET Glenn, A Clockwork Orange Glenn* (for Sandy, and we are completely dismayed at how this one has stumped everyone), Stay Puft Glenn (for Octavia—turns out it was the Glenn Dispenser hoarding it!), Pippi Glennstocking (for Seri), John Wayne Gacy Glenn (he now resides right beneath his bro Jeffrey Dahmer), G for Glendetta (for Sean).

*Lee just came over and totally guessed that one right away and  wants everyone (a/k/a my 10 readers) to know.

 Dutch Boy Glenn, Colonel Sanders Glenn, Elvis Glenn, Snooki Glenn, Mama Glenn, Marilyn Manson Glenn.

 Spongebob Glenn, Dora Glenn (for Sandy!), Austin Powers Glenn, Reunited: Frankenstein and his Bride, Gene Simmons (for Maya), Martian Glenn (Barb didn’t know what this one was because she SUCKS!).

 Bill Paxton Glenn, Don’t Drop the Soap Glenn, Yoda Glenn, Charlie Chapglenn, Glenny, Here Comes the Glenn.

 Iron Lung Glenn (Barb’s fault), Glenn or Glenda Glenn, Humpty Dumpty Glenn, Chicken Pox Glenn, Jesus Glenn, Hannibal Lecter Glenn (Chooch guessed this one right away, which was my indication that I didn’t need to write who he is on the front)

 Chiquita Banana Glenn, Brony Glenn, Jonny Craig Glenn, Mary Poppins Glenn, Britney Spears Glenn, Richard Simmons Glenn.

 Nurse Glenn*, Mork Glenn, Howard Stern Glenn, Sherlock Holmes Glenn, Rudolph Glenn, Blurry Phantom of the Opera Glenn.

 Judge Judy Glenn*, Tight End Glenn*, Ex-boyfriend Glenn, Tinman Glenn, Santa Glenn, Popeye Glenn.

(*Barb’s Glenns)

Seriously, we sit here at work and laugh like lunatics over the tiniest Glenn. The Glennspiration never ends!! For instance, today I made a Zsa Zsa Gabor Glenn and as soon as someone picks him, he’s going right up next to Crooked Cop Glenn. I saved him a spot.

If there’s a Glenn you’d like to see, please leave your suggestions! I’ll be making these until Halloween! (Octavia, if you’re reading this, I made you a Stay Puft Glenn, but either no has gotten it yet, or it’s being HOARDED.)

***

Last night, Henry and I were sitting on the couch, watching “Vampire Diaries.” I was also diligently making new Glenns and suggested that Henry make one too.

“Bitch, please! I’m too busy waiting to see if Damon takes off his shirt!” Henry hissed at me.

Seriously, Henry has admitted that Damon is The Hottest Vampire of All Time. I posted that on Facebook and all these broads started yelling at Henry for being wrong. It was pretty funny. For me, at least.

Way to end on a non-Glenn-related note.

I bought an old muffin tin for a dollar or something (Henry paid, I wasn’t watching) and then made a clown collage for my desk because I felt I didn’t have enough things of a clown nature. I didn’t know right away what I was going to use it for, but this all played out during the weekend before I started decorating my desk, so the clown idea came to me pretty fast. Like “in the car on the way home, exclaimed OH-HO! with so much vigor, it made Henry jolt” fast.

First I painted it and then pasted Internet-procured clown pictures in there.

(“Did you wash it first?” Henry asked. Um, what do you think? Fuck, no.)

Then I coated it with some kind of glaze bullshit. This was on an Erin-level of disaster.

I also super-glued circus peanuts, a clown head and a moustache in three of the thingies.

It was on an Erin-level of easiness.

NOTE: If you don’t have an old muffin tin, rob a hoarder.

And that concludes my DIY mixed media thingie tutorial.

No, Henry didn’t help me with any of this.

That’s me in the lower righthand corner! I think I was three. Chris said it’s the creepiest picture in there.

This one is my favorite. I think I found it by Googling “Asian clowns.” I’m really not sure.

Elsewhere in Halloween Desk World, Barb has been helping me make some Glenns.

“Um…why don’t you sign your name to the back of this one?” I suggested when she showed me her so-so rendition of Pinhead. God forbid people think my Glenn-defacing talent is tapped out.

Joy found two old Jesus and Mary portraits at her grandfather’s house and, knowing my gravitation toward things of a religious icon nature, brought them into work for me.

While I was admiring them, Debby came over to my desk and started telling me a story about her great-grandma’s house and how it had a legit parlor room where people were laid out.

“So now I have a big box in my attic full of pictures of dead people,” she finished.

HOLD UP WAIT A SECOND.

“You mean like this,” I asked, pulling open my desk drawer and extracting a photo of some dead dude.

(Yes, I keep post-mortem photos in my desk. Helps motivate me.)

“Um…yeah actually. Just like that,” Debby stammered, clearly not expecting me to have that.

She said she doesn’t want them, but doesn’t like throwing away pictures of people. So now I’m trying to get her to give me the box.

God, I can’t believe she’s known me since May and waited THIS LONG to tell me her dark secret.

***

In other work happenings, the thrill of collecting Glenns hasn’t yet fizzled like I thought it would. In fact, Chooch has jumped on the bandwagon and wants to make Glenns all the time at home now.

Chooch is still really into Japanese horror, so he made a Ju-On Glenn, which absolutely no one will figure out on their own. He was in the middle of making one Saturday night, but it was time to leave for a haunted hayride.

“But I’m not done with my Strawberry Shortcake Glenn!” he wailed, which is totally weird because the other day I was going to make a Strawberry Shortcake Glenn but got distracted. WHAT ARE THE ODDS.

Amish, DJ Lance, Harry Potter Glenn.

Literally only 2 people have recognized this as Robert Smith Glenn. God, get with it, Law Firm.

Jesus, Phantom of the Opera, Native American, Bieber Glenn.

“I don’t think you should do a Jesus Glenn,” Barb said at the exact moment I dropped the vending capsule containing Jesus Glenn into the clown head. I guess because Sue vetoed Barb’s desire to do an Hasidic Jew Glenn. But it was too late, Jesus Glenn was already inside the clown head, lost amonst the other plastic balls. “Well, maybe just tell whoever gets it to not hang it up,” she advised.

But George, who gets all the good Glenns, got Jesus Glenn and it went right up on the wall. I pointed it out to Barb today and she mumbled, “Yeah, I saw.” Clearly, she’s harboring a little resentment!

Juice Head Glenn and Pinocchio Glenn!

Little Red Riding Hood (Brad’s suggestion) and Jack-in-the-Box Glenn. Even with the “Yay grandma!”, some people are still having a hard time figuring out Little Red Riding Glenn. :(

Today, Chris got Kato Kaelin Glenn (basically looks like a broad in a blazer but it amused me immensely to draw it) but refuses to put it on the wall with the other Glenns because he wants them all for himself. When Jamie found this out, she marched into his office and schooled him.

“At least put the Kato Kaelin Glenn on the wall!” I pleaded when Chris walked by a few minutes later.

“Kato Kaelin Glenn…do I have that one?”

Barb gave him a weird look. “Um, you JUST got that one like five minutes ago,” she said.

He doesn’t even know which Glenns he has! What a Glenn-collecting poser!

He’s still hoarding them though.

Otherwise, my life goes like this: haunted houses, haunted houses, haunted trails, haunted hayrides, haunted hayrides, haunted houses, pie party.

I have a tough life.

I heard through the grapevine that Glenn liked last year’s Murder Desk better than this year’s Carnival Desk because he got to be the killer. (I’m going to pretend that he wasn’t being sarcastic.)

So I decided to incorporate his murderous streak into this year’s theme, too.

I’ve been calling this Candy’s Corner.

Remains of Candy mingle amongst circus peanuts.

I figured I could use Glenn to tie in Candy’s Corner with all the department sideshow freaks, so I made a newspaper article. (The picture of Candy is random — I didn’t want anyone here to be all, “OMG WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE VICTIM!?”)

(But really, aren’t we all?)

The “unknown metal object” will be officially revealed next week when I have Candy’s stomach contents on my desk.

I tried to throw in a few shout-outs here and there, like Barb’s newfound predilection for tacking on “holla!” to the end of random proclamations and Amber1’s publicly shared affection for her wiener dog.

And Brad’s midget-ness.

Another new addition: creepy old jack in the box!

Candy’s wig and bow.

Sean and Glenn checking out the latest Glenns on the wall.

The real Glenn got Little Orphan Glenn in today’s clown head digging. George got Jesus Glenn, and to quote Lee: “George gets ALL of the good Glenns!

“