Hey guys, here I am with another edition of “This Was My Weekend In Excruciating Detail”! I can’t wait for the day these posts are actually beneficial to my life. YOU NEVER KNOW. I might need an alibi at some point. Or to fill in the gaps of my deteriorating memory.

Usually I start my weekend recaps with Saturday, but this time, let’s rewind a bit more and start with our Friday night dinner at Zenith, because nothing kicks off a weekend quite like eating out at one of your favorite restaurants! It was a million degrees out on Friday and Henry didn’t want to cook, so we all benefited from this. My favorite part is that Henry was actually the one who suggested Zenith, even though no one believes that a carnivorous mountain dweller like Henry would ever enjoy a meal chaste of meat. But he loves this shit! He loves tempeh and seitan and whatever other soy-based meat substitutes are floating around out there, but don’t revoke his BIG MANLY MAN card because he doesn’t like tofu and that’s a fact. He’s great at cooking with it, but boyfriend won’t put that jiggly curd anywhere past his mustache.

(Henry likes vegetarian restaurants so much, that he’s actually been looking up veg-friendly places to eat this weekend in Toronto. LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOY.)

Chooch and I both ordered the seitan French dip, which made Henry sad because that’s apparently the whole reason he wanted to go there, because he happened to see it listed on their weekly menu beforehand, but now that Chooch and I both ordered it, he felt it was breaking some cardinal restaurant rule to have the whole table order the same thing, so he got the Moroccan stew instead. (Elaine, the owner, could tell by his tone that something was wrong when he ordered the stew; “You were going to order the french dip,” she guessed. GOD SHE’S GOOD!) He also got the tropical rice salad which was fucking fabulous and I got a cup of the potato dill soup and relished the fact that I was eating potato soup without straining it for bacon with a fork.

Chooch ordered a piece of the peach strawberry vegan cake to share with me, and Henry got a piece of the chocolate banana cake to go. One of the guys brought a second piece over too and said, “And here’s an extra chocolate for mom” right as I was saying that the peach strawberry was my favorite of all the cakes I’ve ever eaten there, so he said, “Oh….maybe I should have brought you that instead…” and at first he was going to swap it out, but then ended up telling us to keep the two pieces of chocolate and he brought another piece of the peach cake over too!

“Jesus, we walked out of there with almost an entire cake,” Henry laughed. God, Zenith—you freaking spoil us. Best veg restaurant in the city, you guys!

Part Time (Veg) Lover.

Saturday started out slow and casual. Henry had to work, so Chooch and I were on our own. (WELL I GUESS WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL, ON OUR OWN….what? Bobby Brown? On Our Own? Ugh, never mind.) We walked to Cafe Noir and I was Responsible in that I looked up at the sky and saw DARK CLOUDS so I brought along an UMBRELLA. And then it RAINED so we had to USE THE UMBRELLA. This is parenting, my friends. See also: being a person who understands how weather works.

We didn’t get a chance to save anything this time. You can only be heroes so often or then it gets old and no one will give you accolades because oh wow, you saved a thing. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re hero, right? Ugh, so rude.

Most of the day was spent chilling because it was storming off and on. Chooch has been binge-watching How I Met Your Mother so Henry and I sat through some episodes with him and it’s not like I forgot so soon how cruel and heart-wrenching this show is, so I was crying all over again at some of the parts, ugh. Also, when Henry and I watched this show (probably the last TV series we watched in real time, i.e. not on Netflix or whatever), I didn’t realize how wildly inappropriate it is until I had my 11-year-old son sitting next to me, so that’s been real great. And he’s already on the last season so I can’t be all, “SORRY MISTER, YOU’LL HAVE TO RESUME THIS WHEN YOU’RE 18.” I mean, come on. Kids know everything these days anyway. Ugh.

Then later that night, Wendy and I went on a ghost hunt at Castle Blood! That will obviously get its own post, but while we were doing that, Henry and Chooch went to visit the Calvin Family (a/k/a Blake, Haley, and Calvin) and Chooch apparently had a grand old time because on the way home later that night, Chooch piped up from the backseat, “I was going to tell you something, but nevermind, you’ll be mad. OK fine, Blake let me use his bow!”

I was like, “OK that’s cool, whatever,” because I was still all a’buzz from ghosts n’ stuff, but then a few minutes later, he cried, “OK, I feel like I’m lying if I don’t tell you this, but I also SHOT A BB GUN!” and then way he said it, with so much anguish, reminded me of the scene from Goonies when Chunk is tied to the chair and telling the Fratellis his sob story. That’s my dramatic kid.

I should mention that Chooch was supposed to hang out with Blake a week ago, but decided he needed to go to his friend Wesley’s instead, so he told Blake to come over later. Well guess what? Blake’s a dad now, dude, and “come over later” basically means that New Parent has extra time to get comfortable and not want to leave the house again. So that’s what happened, and Chooch actually cried real tears and told us that we weren’t allowed to say Blake’s name in our house.

I mean, it was hilarious but also sad because this is the first time Chooch has let his emotions out since Calvin was born and we all knew there was going to be jealousy there. Hopefully this is the beginning of him working through that and accepting the fact that he has to share his big brother now and he’s going to come to second to Calvin. I think eventually, it will be fine and Chooch will probably end up wanting to see his nephew more than his brother, anyway!

My side vs Their side

This brings us to Sunday, a day I love to hate.

Sunday morning, we got to see Chris and Monica for a little bit while I took some headshots of Chris (with my camera, not Blake’s BB gun) for her travel guide résumé. It’s always great to see those two, but we all agreed that we’re due for a longer hang-out soon.

Then it was Asian market time! Chooch opted out so he went over one of his neighbor friends’ houses instead, because we’re at that age now where he will take any option that’s not “shopping with parents.” :(

I was so happy because our favorite market (WFH  Oriental, if you care) finally carries the BIGBANG Nongfu Spring iced tea! I messaged Chooch and he told me to get all of the jasmine grapefruit. I got three.

MAYBE NEXT TIME COME WITH US, BRO.

Honestly, BIGBANG endorsement aside, this tea is so fantastic. When our favorite WFH cashier rang us up, she laughed when she got to the (NINE?!) bottles of Nongfu Spring and said, “Oh, all the teenagers come in and buy this!”

“THAT’S MY FAVORITE BAND!” I cried and she seemed a combination of shocked and impressed, but if you ask Henry he’ll just say she was taken aback by my oozing dumbness.

Also, remember when Daesung was my original bias? GOD THAT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER AGO. (Lol, last December.)

While we were at the store, some younger white couple came in and I could hear them from multiple aisles away as they openly and loudly mocked all the products , said things like, “EW GROSS!” and just basically reinforced the idea that white people are culturally ignorant and racist, whether we want to admit it or not. I was all up in arms over this. I have grown to love this culture so very much, and I hate that these assholes came into one of these markets and made fun of it.

But go ahead, laugh your asses off while we’re over here eating juicy lychees and Japanese purple yams that are so freaking soft they practically melt in the mouth, while you’re eating basic bitch kale from Giant Eagle, you dumb white couple. They must have gotten lost on their way to Primantis.

I bought sweet corn popsicles at the second Asian market we went to. “Good luck with those,” Henry scoffed. Turns out I didn’t need “luck” because they are motherfucking delightful, a real bastardization of creamed corn straight into summer treat form. Fuck yes. Like a sweet, frozen Thanksgiving side dish on a stick.

Later, Henry and I walked to Cafe Noir. Henry has been accompanying me on my walks (sometimes) because he’s afraid of losing me (maybe but probably not) and I’ve really been enjoying it! I get to point things out, like, “This is where Chooch and I busted a bunch of hoodlums smoking pot” and “This is where we found the moth” and “THERE’S THE TATTOO PLACE DO YOU SEE SARAH MILLER INSIDE I DON’T WANT TO LOOK!” Seriously, I’m obsessed with that broad. I want her to tattoo me so badly, that I don’t even care what it is. Anyway, I decided to get a Cannonball because Chris texted me that morning after I recommended Cafe Noir to her and Monica, to tell me that she got the Cannonball. Of course, I ordered it before I asked her if she liked it, and I ended up having major ordering remorse.

“It’s not Cafe Noir’s fault, I just don’t really like carbonated water,” I said with a grimace, trying not to spit out the mouthful of Cannonball that was floating in limbo behind my tongue, but also really wanting to spit it out at the same time. WHAT TO DO.

“Seriously? Then why would would order a drink that has SAN PELLEGRINI IN IT?” Henry cried, the human embodiment of SMH.

I just….I just don’t know what goes through my head sometimes, you guys.

Came home and found this in a drawer and got mad about being misquoted ALL OVER AGAIN. EVEN AFTER TEN YEARS! I get mad on Sundays. Nine out ten holes in our walls are punched on Sundays.

Probably.

Then Chooch decided he was ready to dye his hair again after a nearly two year hiatus. He was originally going to go with ice blue, so we had to bleach it first. The blue didn’t take (it was a shitty brand) but it ended up being OK he decided he wants to keep his hair blond for a while.

Now he reminds me of David from the Lost Boys, which is weird because he’s actually wearing a Lost Boys shirt today that has David on it and I bought a 30-year-anniversary Lost Boys pin set, all without thinking about the connection. Lost Boys is life, though.

I pulled this shirt out of the back of my dresser drawer. MEMORIES! I haven’t ridden the Wacky Worm in like three years! At some point, I realized that I went on four walks that day, and started to wonder how many people call me the CRAZY BROOKLINE WALKER or THAT GIRL WHO ALWAYS WALKS IN GREEN SHORTS.

OMG I’m the new PURPLE PANTS!

GREEN SHORTS!

I don’t know, I think this color really works on him, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

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Capped off Sunday with some Running Man and Game of Thrones and Chooch got grounded for not coming home before it got dark, HAHA good job dummy. (Except that Henry was over it by Monday so Chooch went back to walking all over him. Ah, family dynamics!)

And that’s all for my weekend.

Last Friday before Warped Tour*, Chooch referenced the guacamole song and was shocked when I said I didn’t know it. 

“Oh my god, srsly? It was a HUGE MEME!” he exclaimed, not even trying to hide his disgust and disappointment in me. WOW SORRY IM OUT OF THE MEME LOOP. I’m busy on other parts of the Internet! (The eastern parts.)

SIDE NOTE: That Milky Way bitch‘s reaction was similar  when Henry only wanted three items in his calzone. 

He made me play it on the way to Warped Tour and within 5 seconds Henry and I were letting the janitors in for a good old brain-washing. (That sentence originally said “on the way to THE Warped Tour” like I’m some regular old mom in khaki Croft & Barrow knee-length shorts and a yellow polo shirt.)

The comments are the best. A bunch of them were like, “Please tell me how to peel a tomato” and I laughed, because INORITE but then Henry the Kitchen Nerd hiked up his pants, pushed his glasses up his nose, and said, “Actually, you soak it—-”

OH SHUT UP, HENRY. 

And then all day at Warped Tour, this damn song was in my head, and whenever I would finally start to tune it out, Chooch would lean over and say, “Guac-amole. Guac guac-amole.” AHHHHH. There’s not enough Kpop in the world to erase this from my mind. 

So now let it eat away at your brain too while you’re out in the yard “forming” your vegetables. 

*(Speaking of Warped Tour, I haven’t closed the 2017 chapter yet! I have two more posts that need finished but I have been distracted by the oppressing summer heat and my compulsion to exercise every night after work to the point of passing out. I don’t have a problem or anything.)

…until I finally see Kwon Ji-yong with my very own (very bad) eyes. Today, Lori was sizing up the countdown calendar and said, “God, you’re going to be a mess next week!” And I hadn’t even thought of that until now, but holy shit I’m going to be a MESS NEXT WEEK. 

I’ve been trying very hard to not watch too many YouTube videos of his shows on this current tour. It’s been really hard to stay away though! I did see this tonight though and it blew me away because this guy typically hates everything I love (his Dance Gavin Dance album reviews make my inner Internet troll come alive) but his reaction to G-Dragon’s latest album is actually really glowing and he even says HE IS SURPRISED HE’S NOT MORE POPULAR HERE. Tell me about it, Anthony—I can’t get anyone to take him seriously!

Not gonna lie, the weekend peaked super early on when Chooch and I saved that giant moth Saturday morning. I mean, how do you top actual, legitimate heroics? 

You just don’t. 

But the rest of Saturday was pretty good. Here are pictures. 

I wore the new DGD shirt that Henry oppa bought me at Warped Tour and I love it so much. Ringer tees for life, amirite. Makes me want to go and remake Battle of the Network Stars. “What’s all the hullabaloo?!”

When Chooch and I were walking home from the aforementioned moth rescue, we passed Bob and his Corgi Spencer. Chooch low key stalks them but that’s whatever. 

“I don’t want to get involved in other people’s lives or anything,” Chooch started off very seriously. “But I really wish Bob didn’t smoke.” He was so concerned! I love that Chooch cares about people. Anyway, Chooch went on to say that one time he was walking by Bob’s house and heard a piano being played. 

“Bob said it was wife playing,” Chooch said and I don’t know why but I was caught off guard. 

“Oh wow I guess I just always figured Bob’s wife was dead,” I said. And then, “What if she is and that was her ghost playing the piano?!” 

Chooch started humming the song he heard being played by Bob’s alleged “wife,” and I couldn’t think of the name of it. I guess Bob had told Chooch, but he forgot and was upset because he wants to learn it. 

WOW WHAT AN INTERESTING STORY. 

(Side note: all jokes aside, Bob is such a sweet guy. Even though small talk normally makes my soul shrivel, I will always stop for Bob & Spencer.)

We were in dire need of a new slipcover for the couch (maybe one day when I have cats that don’t scratch everything, I will feel like I can safely throw down on a new couch but until then – thriftier couches and sip covers it is!) and now our couch matches the wheelchair because I guess you could say THAT’S JUST HOW WE ROLL AROUND HERE. 

Later in the afternoon, Chooch and I sat in the car like dogs while henry went into Home Depot and Boring Auto Parts and we were so annoyed because ugh boring Henry Running boring errands. 

But then we went to the pet cem to visit the Original 4 and do some gravesite tidying. Afterward, we went to Yough Twist where I made a foul by chocolate-dipping my tangerine soft serve. I thought it would taste like one of the wonderful Orange chocolates but NO IT DID NOT. I was sad, and it was also extremely messy to the point where I actually made a bigger mess than Chooch for once (though, he had a sundae so can you even really compare the mess factors of the two?).

The rest of Saturday was full of walks around Brookline because I’m determined to be labeled as Verified Brookline Crazy, Kpopx with Henry (yeah boiiiiiii, he’s halfway-brainwashed), and just general family time I guess. 

Oh wait, I remember. Chooch has been binge-watching How I Met Your Mother so we were watching some episodes with him and he was getting mad because henry and I kept whispering to each other about the episode because we watched the whole series in real time, lol. And we ate chips and salsa. 

The next morning, I woke up and took this picture of Penelope before remembering that I was mad at Henry for bringing chips into the house because I’m TRYNA STAY AWAY FROM SALT, DUMBASS. 

So I stormed out of the house and went for a mad walk around town, where I found a WALLET LAYING ON THE STREET. the drivers license told me the owner lives right across the street from where I found it, so I returned it like the goody two shoes I am. No one answered when I knocked (it was 8:30 on a Sunday morning—I wouldn’t answer the door either oh wait I never answer the door no matter what day or time it is, never mind) so I just left the wallet between the doors. 

Saving moths and returning lost wallets – this is the life of the Brookline Vigilante. 

I think I need a cape. 

I rode the wave of Good Samaritanism all the way home (as opposed to the usual Crude Satanism) and peacefully watched an episode of Goblin. Everyone was happy that I was happy. 

Believe me. 

Later in the afternoon, we visited Patty at the nursing facility. It’s always nice to see Patty! We sat out on the patio and had a nice conversation with fellow resident Kevin. We told them about our heroic moth-saving episode and Kevin said it made him have the Mothra song stuck in his head. 

YES. 

And then Kevin said something about someone being a great entertainer and Chooch cried, “That’s it! ‘The Entertainer’!” And then he sighed a deep breath of relief because trying to remember the name of the song Bob’s dead wife has been damned to play for eternity was clearly driving him mad.

See? All my super lame stories tie together eventually. Except when they don’t. 

ISNT THIS A CUTE PATIO?

We eventually had to say goodbye to Patty because it was well past our scheduled afternoon feeding and I could feel myself getting woozy. (#HungerDramatics) We decided to eat right down the street from Patty at a semi-vegetarian joint called Milky Way. It was nothing fancy, just a pizza/sandwich shop where you order at the counter. I dislike places like that because I prefer full service, but we were super hungry and I was trying to be “easy-going” and “agreeable.”

Yeah I know right. 

Chooch managed to order his food without incident mostly because all he had to say was #3 and no when asked if he wanted cheese on it. 

When it was my turn, I received a blank look from the little ginger troll across the counter, and I had to physically point at the menu to prove to her that “whole wheat” was an option for the faux-chicken pesto wrap I ordered. 

I was slightly annoyed by this but was willing to move on because I just wanted to put a pesto-thing in my mouth. 

But then it was Henry’s turn to order and this is where things went south. He ordered a calzone, which seems simple enough. Like even a bimbo on the first day of the job could figure out how to scribble this one down on the pad. 

Henry said he wanted cheese, mushrooms, and hot peppers. 

She asked “red or green?”

Henry answered neither red nor green and instead said, “I want hot peppers.” He even took a page out of my book and pointed to the menu where it said HOT PEPPERS and she was like *blank*.

So Henry asked, “Don’t you have hot peppers?” Thankfully the cook overheard and came over to defuse the situation. It ended with Henry happily getting jalapeños and then walking away to grab a water out of the cooler. 

“What else do you want?” The Crimson Cooze asked as he walked away. 

“That’s it for the calzone,” he called over his shoulder, “and then just this water.”

I forgot to mention that Henry spoke this part of his order IN TONGUES because this bitch scrunched up her acne-laden face and said, “WHAT?! Whaaaaat?” 

FIVE TIMES SHE SAID THIS. How can I explain the tone….like a teenage twat not liking something her parents are telling her. This one monosyllabic word dragged out slowly and with exaggerated confusion, with derision and little bitch girl snottiness.  It was like Henry had a learning disability and she was utterly disgusted by him. It was the same way I would say “what??” if Henry was trying to talk about bands he knows nothing about, like boy you stay in your corner and let the big kids talk about music, lolkay?

It was like that. 

The look on her face, OMG. I was standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER while she was spitting out these sickening “What???”s and the thought of lurching over the counter and scratching the freckles off her nasty little face was sounding like the best idea I ever had. 

“Wow, RUDE,” I said but she was too focused on Henry’s CONFUSING calzone order to notice. Henry had to RE-ORDER his calzone because she couldn’t grasp the idea of someone only getting THREE ingredients when the menu says you can order UP TO FOUR. So he was basically bullied into choosing a fourth ingredient while I was saying, “Fuck this shit hole, let’s just leave. We should just leave. I want to leave” But NOPE – Henry had to go and pay the dumb bitch so now we were stuck eating their cunty food. 

BUT DONT YOU FRET – I stared at that ginger bitch the whole time we were there and then wrote bad review on Yelp calling her out and I hope she gets fired. 

“The difference between you and me is that I can forgive,” Henry said around a mouthful of 4-ingredient calzone. 

“Oh I’ll never forgive her. I hope she rots. Dumb bitch. I hope she falls naked on a rake.” 
I can still see her puckered-up, indignant, sanctimonious, fug-face. GOD HELP ME. 

I was telling Glenn and Todd about it this morning and Glenn was all, “Hell yeah! Degrading Henry is your job!”

Like I know right. 

The rest of my day was half-ruined on account of having to stifle my rage. I hate when Henry chooses my battles for me.

What else…we went to Target and I didn’t get anything so then I was a baby about that until Henry put a frozen coffee in my hand to medicate I mean caffeinate me. I was mostly ok about that. 

I give the weekend a B-  

**************

In unrelated sort of weekend news that can be filed under “wow,” the music video for Psy’s “Love” came out today and while I’m pretty whatever about Psy, Taeyang is in this song and his beautiful voice is so perfect in it. He announced his first solo US tour and I want to go see him so badly in Chicago but the cap of the venue he’s playing is like 5,000 people and I’m scared I won’t be able to get a ticket. I decided a few weeks ago to forgo Riot Fest this year (lineup doesn’t excite me and that trip always ends up bleeding our bank account dry—we are not rich people) so I HOPE IT WAS FATE because there is no way in the world I would be able to do both. And I’m sorry, but Taeyang over Riot Fest any day. 

This was Chooch’s first Warped Tour in 2013. Today will be his 5th Warped Tour and my 12th! I’m so excited!

I decided to live blog it because it’s the best day of the year (except not this year because G DRAGON will take that prize) and I like to remember every single detail!! (I tried this last year and it was ruined because of dumb life drama that interfered with my Best Day Ever, so let’s give it another shot, woo.)

• 9:59am: We just stopped home after eating breakfast at Pamela’s because Warped Tour starts an hour and a half later this year so we had time for real breakfast! Now we’re watching a Boz Scaggs video (Look What You’ve Done To Me) lol and then we’re heading out! 

• 10:46am: Almost to whatever they’re calling the amphitheater these days and the sun is out! It was raining all morning and looking pretty grim. I still brought my rain poncho just in case, which I bought when I was originally going to the Penguins victory parade and it was supposed to rain but then I didn’t go and it didn’t rain anyway, and then I brought it to KCON but it only rained for 5 minutes and not very hard so I didn’t open it, and then the furry parade too but I didn’t need it there either. So it’s still in the package. WILL I NEED IT TODAY OR NO?!
• 11:08am WE’RE HERE! No one knows about our preferred line this year so it’s just and three Motionless in White fans. Chooch is getting lotioned-up and it’s hilarious to watch. 

• 11:32am: CRISIS! Chooch got sunblock in his eyes and now everyone in line has to suffer with him. It’s glorious drama. 

• 12:40pm: We’ve been inside for about 30 minutes and everything is wonderful! Chooch’s eye doesn’t hurt anymore because he saw Ainsley from Jule Vera and “kind of” talked to her sort of but mostly it was me talking to one of the guys because I’m Chooch’s handler. And then some guy knocked Henry’s hat off accidentally and said “sorry sir” lol it’s funny because Henry is old. We also saw some guy who swabbed us to become bone marrow donors at Riot Fest so we talked to him for a bit because Warped Tour turns henry and me into functioning adults with a good grasp on small talk and social cues. 

• 1:11pm: Moderately interested in American Authors on one of the Journeys stages under the amphitheater, taking selfies. Chooch was dry-heaving because he thought he touched dried up Copenhagen (“You know, that stuff you dip” he said, STICKING THE SAME FINGER THAT TOUCHED IT TO HIS MOUTH TO DEMONSTRATE. Now who’s dry-heaving.)

American Authors being American and author-y. 

https://instagram.com/p/BWiQ-LQgV5a/

• 2:19: I fell in love with Boston Manor, had a sample of Malteasers, ate delicious vegan cheese in the PETA2 tent, and got a FREE SLUSHIE!

Meanwhile, lakeshore is playing on the Hard Rock stage and I said to Chooch, “This sounds familiar, like something I would have listened to in 2008” and 12 seconds later Henry came back from the garbage can and said, “They sound familiar like someone we would have went to see in 2008.” wtf. I hate when we have the same thoughts. 

• 2:38pm Literally having our eardrums pummeled all day long by the best assortment of bands and Chooch STILL wants to constantly talk and then gets MAD when we can’t hear him?!?! Like boy is this your first Warped Tour or what? Also Chooch just realized that there are spots throughout the Warped Tour program to have bands sign so now he wants to get every single band to sign it, GOOD LUCK. This isn’t Disney World, bro!

Chooch hounding the singer of Lakeshore for his autograph. 

• 2:58pm: What’s worse–listening to Neck Deep or Chooch singing the Guacamole Song OR BOTH HAPPENING AT ONCE. 
• 4:22pm: BREAKING NEWS Chooch’s eye hurts again. Now it’s because he has a slight sunburn from washing away all the sunblock during his earlier crisis. We’re sitting on the hill enjoying Microwave, which is ironic because our microwave died a few weeks ago and we haven’t cared enough to buy a new one yet. Also by “we’re enjoying” I should hope that you know I just mean me. Right before this I saw Movements and they were beyond excelsior. I saw them a year ago as well and couldn’t wait to see them again. 

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Oh and oppa got Dance Gavin Dance shirts for Chooch & me. #SoSpoiled #MuchTerrible

• 6:37pm: Taking a grass break after a bit of Silent Planet, chooch getting his picture taken with two guys from Gwar, being all close to Jule Vera, and then Henry and Chooch ditching me so I had to watch Hands Like Houses alone. 

This Slurpee picture is from hours ago but they just finally texted it to me. What we do for Slurpee coupons I guess.  

The guy taking the pictures for the Gwar signing was kind enough to take this slick selfie. I KNEW HE WAS DOING THAT TOO. He was wearing little leather speedos with a tail, aka Henry’s next Halloween costume. 

Chooch apparently talked to Ainsley from Jule Vera at their booth while I was at Hands Like Houses but I wasn’t there so I don’t believe it. 

• 6:50pm: I’m sitting on a hillside, listening to Farewell Winters, and dreaming about the feast I’m going to have when I leave here. Also, remember when the waitress at Pamela’s told me she liked my nail polish colors and then Chooch said it reminds him of Chris’s house because she had M&Ms the same color and he said “had” because they’re gone now. Because he ate them. But no you wouldn’t remember that because I wasn’t live blogging yet!
• 7:10pm: OMG my Dance Gavin Dance friend who is a manager at Journeys is here!!
• 8:26pm: we’re in the amphitheater getting ready for DGD which means we have to endure Attila who are playing on the other stage. I can’t believe people like this shit. It’s so corny—like Limp Bizkit 2.0. I just realized they’ve only been playing for 6 minutes but it feels like an hour and my brain is crying. 
• 9:17pm: Just got to the car. Chooch asked earnestly, “Did you have fun?” AW. AND ALSO: YES. 
• 9:24pm: I’m bitching about how those young girls still look so fucking fresh and beautiful after a day of sweating at Warped Tour while my face looks like a Christmas ham. “You don’t look bad,” Henry said. I don’t look good either!

UPDATE FROM SATURDAY: wow so after my last update, we went to Sheetz where I projected over an overstuffed sandwich that I couldn’t eat,  but really I was just sick and delirious because I had a sun virus (henry said I was just dehydrated ok Doc Robbins PhD) and by the time we got home, I was ready to crash so that’s what I did after half-assedly washing my face (sorry Korean skincare regimin!)

I’ll be back with a post-Warped recap as usual but I just wanted to say that this was perhaps one of my favorite Warped Tours because Chooch’s attention span is definitely improving (lol), we all seemed to mostly like each other all day (guys, excessive heat and sun exposure can bring out some major wickedness in people don’t don’t like you”d be an angel out there), and there were some really wonderful small bands/hidden gems on the lineup this year. In fact, we didn’t go to the main stages at all this year. 

Ending with Dance Gavin Dance was just so supreme though. Can’t explain how that band makes me feel but it is some hybrid between exuberant and that lady who invented Prancercize. 

Unless you’re a complete furophobic square, the first weekend of July is the best if you live in Pittsburgh. It’s when you can get all your anthropomorphic tendencies and childhood mascot dreams out of hit system by getting whacked with tails and high-fived by anything from a furry dog paw to a fuzzy shark fin.

YES FRIENDS, IT’S FURRY TIME. (More officially known as Anthrocon.)

I don’t know if it’s just the mental malaise I’m doggy-paddling through or the novelty has worn off or what, but I just wasn’t as into it this year. Typically, I begin furry-stalking on the Wednesday before the convention, because one is sure to bump into a stray wolf or cat early into the festivities. I did see some this year while I was out on my lunchbreak walks, and Lori and I even hung out next to the hotel they stay in, ACTING CASUALLY like we weren’t actually there to gawk and wave.

(I think if we’re being honest, it’s because my favorite furry wasn’t there this year so I didn’t have his dapper tophat and flippers to look forward to.)

But then I figured the third annual furry parade would get me into the spirit. So I dragged Henry and Chooch downtown on Saturday, July 1st to claim the same spot we’ve had for the last three years to ogle the veritable congo-line of fursuits.

This was our giddy “Henry is behind us on the trolley, hngggggh” face.

On our walk to the convention center, I pointed out all of the decrepitude that I see on the reg when I’m out and about on my lunch breaks.

“And there’s my favorite homeless person that I was mad at for a minute because I saw him using on a cell phone, and oh shit oh shit oh shit—-” I sputtered just as BRING SOME HOME TO DADDY walked past us.

All in the same second! It was like if I wrote a mediocre novel about my lunch time walks and then after I died, some really lame tour company put together an “Erin’s Lunch Break” walking tour for tourists who thought they paid to see the basement of the Alamo, but nope – just Pittsburgh alleys and the spot where some asshole attacked a man with a machete.

OK back to the furries. Chooch is suddenly super starstruck around them to the point where he was too bashful to even ask for a picture. I kept reminding him that they were just real people underneath it all, but he was like, “UGH I HATE MYSELF I CAN’T DO IT!” so he let numerous photo ops slip between his sweaty, grit-encrusted fingers.

And then he finally got the nerve to ask a tiger for a picture, but the tiger brusquely said, “I’m late for a photoshoot” and TOTALLY BRUSHED HIM OFF.

Oh shit son, you got snubbed!

Once he got his voice back and was able to ask furries for permission, he kept trying to me take the pictures using his tablet like I’m some dime-a-dozen soccer mom!

But then Chris and Monica arrived and shit got crunk (shoutout to 2006 or whatever year dumb white people appropriated that dumb word). Things are always 374897203497b254 times more fun with those two!

Anyway, the parade was fairly anti-climatic. There were no arrests that I was aware of, no obscene political demonstrations, no furry fisticuffs. Just good old-fashioned undulating mascot fun!

Guys, this was the best furry in town and I don’t even think he was actually a part of Anthrocon. I tweeted this picture and the guy inside the pigsuit RT’d and was all “It me!” Turns out he’s a local comedian. BRAVO, SIR. BRAVO.

I was simultaneously horrified and aroused by these bare-skinned lion-gladiator things.

This is the furry that snubbed Chooch. Wow. There wasn’t anything that great about him anyway. Hope he had fun at his dumb photoshoot.

If Ronald McDonald became a furry?

Chooch and I fought over who got the most high-fives, as usual, but I think I was the real winner because one of the furries pointed to my shirt, pointed to themself, and then gave the thumbs up. I was wearing my KPOP vs EVERYBODY shirt so obviously they liked kpop too and I felt an instant bond!

“I mean, there has to be some crossover here,” Monica said, and now I wonder if any of them had been to KCON the week prior! Ugh, I should have worn that shirt instead. I might have walked away with a whole flock of Kpop-loving furry friends. I WONDER WHICH GROUP THAT FURRY STANS?!

OMG this thing was so cool and creepy! I like how confident he/she was. Like, “Furries don’t have to be furry if they’ve got the fur inside.” I don’t know. It’s not like I have an Etsy shop full of inspirational furry posters or anything.

(WHY, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD?)

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 After the parade, we briefly caught up with fellow furry lover Sandy and her fam, and then decided to stick around downtown. It was a beautifully sunny day and none of us had anywhere else we needed to be right away, so ice cream from Sinful Sweets and a river walk to the Point happened, and it was honestly the most chill, perfectly-summer afternoon I had all season. Good company is all you need! 

Plus, we got to peep a wedding party in blinding gold lamé that looked like they mermaided here straight from Tony and Anna wedding on Days of Our Lives circa 1980-something. At first we were like “Ha! OK gaudy!” But then we decided we liked it and now i think Henry might actually propose sometime this century because he wants  Monica and Chris to wear similar dresses in our wedding party, no sandals allowed. (His rules, guys!)

And then Chooch and Chris walked ahead of us, speaking in their secret language while Monica, Henry and I hung back and yawned a lot because that fucking sun was great for a minute but it really zapped the energy from us. 

We to Dunkin’ Donuts to refuel on caffeine and somehow, Henry, Monica and I got trapped inside the vestibule while an Asian family featuring four elderly people utilizing different wheeled walking aids (2 wheelchairs, two rolling walkers, plus one bonus cane) came limping through the doors, smashing us against the glass wall. But we were polite about it because aw, old ppl. But then on their heels came another family, who thought we were just your standard Dunkin Donuts welcome wagon I guess, and they proceeded to also barrel their way in and I thought Monica was going to rip her face off to reveal that gif of the man’s exploding head from “Scanners” and even Henry, Patron Saint of Patience, was like, “ARE WE ON CANDID CAMERA” while I stood there wondering how many other 1980s pop culture references I could waste on this landfill of nonsense. 

I’m surprised none of them tried to hang their fanny packs and canes on us like the ornamental coat racks we apparently are. 

Meanwhile, Chris and Chooch were gabbing away, still inside Dunkin Donuts, and we were like  HOW DID THEY NOT NOTICE THIS.

And this has been “Erin Goes to the Furry Parade, & other loosely-related tales.”

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Major breaking news: I somehow coerced Henry into doing not one, not two, but FIVE Kpop dance workouts with me last night and tonight! Even Chooch joined in for some of it (he loves K-Kardio’s routine for “Fire” by BTS). We had so much fun (laughing at Henry)!!

I try not to be one of those annoying “I AM ON A DIET/GOING TO THE GYM” people who do nothing but talk about their progress, because last time I checked, this wasn’t a fitness blog and literally no one cares, but it has really changed my life so much. Exercising isn’t a drag, I’m not starving, I freaking love the Korean food Henry makes me everyday, and I just feel so much better in so many ways. 

Today, for example, I tried on a Warped Tour shirt that we bought Chooch in 2013….it’s an adult XS. And it freaking fit me. And not even like a sausage-casing either! Just like…a normal tank. Granted, Chooch got so many permanent stains on it that I can’t wear it without looking like a slob. This is also the first summer I’ve worn shorts in public without being worried about how I look. (I might have body dysmorphia and super low self esteeem. I mean, duh.)

Just today, I was reminiscing about how I was addicted to diet pills from GNC, back when none of the bad shit was banned yet, and there was one time my then-boyfriend found me passed out on the bathroom floor and promptly flushed my pills down the toilet because he was so afraid I was going to die. And also the time I bent over to tie my shoes and passed out because: diet pills. 

Pill Diet. 

My friend Brian and I even considered moving to Japan long enough to lose weight because whatever that banned ingredient was, it was A-OK in Japan!

I mean I laugh about it now, but I don’t miss those dangerous, unhealthy days AT ALL. Thank you, Kpop. 

If anyone is interested, the links to the Kpop dance fitness YouTube channels I frequent the most are below. THEY ARE SO MUCH FUN!

• Sarahkaypop
• KpopX
• K-Kardio
• YooJoo Lee 

This was my favorite one to make Henry perform:

FIGHTING!

Well guys, I can’t think of anything better to cap off an excruciatingly long week than a picture of a cat so please consider this photo of my cat Drew an offering to the gods for next week to be more exciting/faster/interesting. 

Bonus words: We went to Gianna Via’s for dinner tonight, after walking into Frank & Shirleys and being greeted by a surly waitress who looked at us then promptly glanced at the clock on the wall—we took that as her unspoken bitch way to communicate that they were closing in 15 minutes. WELL MAYBE POST YOUR EVER-CHANGING HOURS SOMEWHERE, ASSHOLES. I might just remove them from infamous Pittsburgh Travel thing that I post once a year. 

Anyway, we had a better meal at Gianna Via’s anyway but our waitress was way too involved and even held the menu for Henry when he asked to see the beer list. 

“Why couldn’t I hold the menu?” he whispered when she walked away. This was after she discouraged him from ordering the banana peppers on his Stromboli and talked him into the Italian peppers because they were sweeter and he would like them better. 

HOW DOES SHE KNOW. 

OMG HENRY IS CHEATING ON ME. 

There was a really tense moment of silence while Henry couldn’t decide what to do. I wanted him to still get the banana peppers, really stick it to her (NO, NOT IN HER UGH), but ultimately he fell victim to her mind control and said, “Uh yeah, you know what? I’m not really in the mood for something really hot tonight. I’ll have the Italian peppers.”

What would your SERVICE friends think about you, Henry??

Anyway, Chooch the Baby asked for a kid’s menu because CRAYONS. The menu had one of those “how many words can you make” games on it and this was the very first word he found:

Yeah, this is how you know you watch too much Korean TV and that your kid is subconsciously absorbing it all in the background. 

(“Maknae” means the youngest, as in: “Seungri is the maknae of BigBang.”)

Gianna Via’s was jam-packed with lots of fat old men in golf shirts. Just in case you were wondering. 

I need to take a pill to inspire me to catch up on here. What pill would that be? Adderal, probs.

My life lately is this teddy bear. Also, try your hardest to move past that “loose” up in there – I know it’s *cringe* but the song and video are good. I like Heize. Her name reminds me of Heinz and I’m from Pittsburgh so that shit is mixed with my blood, you know?

I think I have officially worn myself out. My body parts be like “Bitch, we fucking fatigued. Lay us the fuck down.” So I’m trying to “rest” but that’s not working out very well. Anyway, here’s some bullets. 

• I really want this shirt ^^^ that I saw in one of the early episodes of Goblin.
• Did you know that if your head gets cut off, you’re still conscious for 15 seconds? Chooch just told me that. Everyone say thanks, Chooch.
  • Speaking of decapitation, does it cost extra to have your head sewn back on for the funeral services?
    • I interviewed for a job once at a funeral home when I was in college and one of the job duties was styling the hair of the dead people. I was really stoked about that! I was offered the job but couldn’t take it because of my dumb night classes at Pitt. I wonder where I’d be right now in life had that worked out differently.

• I was almost back in the painting groove again….but then June happened. June was a terrible month. It was the lowest I’ve been in a very long time and I’m not sure if I’d be here writing this right now if it wasn’t for Henry and Chooch. They’re like my pool floats. My water-wings. MY HONEY BUNNIES.  MY LAMBY WAMBIES. Sorry. You never know when I’m going full-blown Back to the Beach quote-mode. Anyway, I managed to eke out two paintings before going back into retirement. I’m the fakest artist ever, you people.

• I took this picture last week so my face is even closer now, but it still feels sooooo far away! Some of my co-workers get excited if I forget to move my face because then they get to do it. If it’s my enemy Lou, he puts it on upside down. :( The other day, I was telling some of my work friends how stressed I am about what I’m going to wear to the G-Dragon show, and Lori suggested that I dress like G-Dragon, like put together something inspired by one of his famous looks. But then Lauren said that HENRY should dress like G-Dragon (I think this how the conversation went – I eat a lot of Asian candy from the Pumpkin of Horrors every day and I think my brain is rotting) and this is basically the best idea ever. Henry is not down with it and said that he hates Lauren and Lori now. WOW.
  • I have to find him a flesh-colored turtleneck.
  • In Pumpkin of Horrors news, this  latest batch I procured from Hmart is full of more hits than misses! I mean, there is one kind that Glenn calls the roast beef candy because it starts out oddly savory but then turns delightful. One of the mail ladies (Betty, the one who told me a few mths ago that she tried one on her own and thought she went down to the sewer — that’s what happens when I’m not there to supervise!) started asking me questions about where I shop for my candy and Todd said he felt like I was being interviewed and was so nervous that I was going to mess up. Lauren, however, said it sounded like I had waited my whole life for someone to stop and talk to me about my candy, and something about MY CANNED RESPONSES?!
• Today was Chooch’s first day at Camp Chronica! Chris has graciously offered to let Chooch hang out at their house one or two times a week while we’re in childcare limbo, and we couldn’t be more grateful – plus, Chooch is in his glory. Chris is one of his favorite people in the whole world. I had to give him a stern talk this morning though about not impeding on her work and not pissing on her toilet ugh. Anyway, he got to hang out with her sister Amy and make a whale plushie! Chris sent me a video of Chooch using a sewing machine and now I have all these plans to buy him his own one so that he can make shit for me. OMG LIKE MY OWN SWEAT SHOP!
  • I showed Amber and Todd the whale plushie and now they want to go to Camp Chronica, too.
  • Monica is making him a list of chores.

• I went to lunch on Sunday with BARB and of course she had a present for Chooch ugh (she had one for me too but I just like to focus on the negative). When he saw it, he tore his other shirt off and said, “I’LL NEVER WEAR ANOTHER SHIRT AGAIN!” Spoiler: he wore a different shirt the next day because I made him change.
• I hate how terrible and vicious money (or lack-thereof) makes people. Constantly disappointed and disgusted in humanity.

• On Monday, Wendy decided at the last minute that she wanted to have lunch with me and Lori. I think it was just because she left her work ID at home and didn’t want to use mine because it’s inside a purple fluffy Pusheen thingie with a G-Dragon keychain attached to it so she decided to just take me with her when she went outside. And Lori got to come too because she was wearing a cute rompery jumpsuit thing that day and you know what they say: wear a cute rompery jumpsuit, get asked to lunch. Anyway, we went to Condado and had bomb tacos. It was like Happy Dog in Cleveland where you get to build your own combinations on an order sheet thingie and I had such stress over it because I’m notorious for creating disgusting flavor profiles, mismatching ethnic cuisines, and just overall making very poor ordering choices. We had a really cool waiter but I thought he was going to yell at me, crumble up my order and tell me to start over, but instead, he glanced at it and said I did a good job! I think he was probably just checking to make sure all my circles were properly penciled. One of my tacos had lime tofu and something creamy on it, this was definitely the best one and I think they should put it on the menu and name it the Erin Got Lucky. The other one had BBQ jackfruit and it was ok but I think things went awry when I was choosing a sauce because something was misaligned. But still – it was a taco and it was a million times better than the Cream of Wheat I was originally planning on making with the hot water dispenser on the coffee maker at work. (As opposed to the tedious oatmeal that needs baked in the microwave, ugh, kill me.)

• We went to the park yesterday for some 4th of July outdoorsiness because who wants to sit inside doing nothing but talking shit on people all day. We’re kind of out of the nature-loop, but apparently there is some rock hide-n-seek game going on, so that was fun, finding these rocks and then moving them like a foot away because we suck at hiding things.
  • Meanwhile, Chooch had his bike with him and let me tell you something about Chooch: athletic he is not. He makes Henry and me cringe when he rides his bike, but everyone is all, “HE IS A BOY. IT WILL BE FINE” so I’m like “OK if you say so” as I’m watching him from behind finger-slats as he rides over a gorge. At one point, we were on a curvy path and I could see him through a patch of trees as he turned around to come back to where we were walking. “Let’s hide!” I said, pulling Henry behind a tree with me. So we were giddily standing behind this tree trunk, all stock-like, nervously breathing when we realized after awhile that it was taking him longer than it should have to make it back to where we were. “He saw us, so now he’s hiding too,” Henry hypothesized. We eventually conceded and stepped out from behind the tree. “Where the hell is he?” I cried, looking around the empty path. And then I saw him dragging his bike, and himself, up a hill. “I’m OK! I just accidentally rode down this hill, but I’m OK!” OMG he’s the worst. Every time he turns his head, his bike turns with him, so that’s probably what happened. He saw a squirrel or something and then the next thing he knew, he was off the trail and crash-landing at the bottom of a hill. THAT’S MA BOY.

• We walked to Dormont Park last night to watch the fireworks. I usually skip this tradition because I’m of the “if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all” mentality, but Chooch wanted to meet his buddy Dimajio down there so we decided to all go as like, a family thing. It was kind of dumb, action-wise, but nice to just chill with Henry and people-watch. We were sitting to a bunch of middle school Meghan Trainors who thought they were HOT SHIT, and some cover band was playing Journey, BUT AT LEAST WE WERE TOGETHER. Chooch came back over to us when the fireworks started and I was like, “OMG HE CHOSE US OVER DIMAJIO!” but it was just because Dimajio was playing basketball or something and we were Chooch’s back-up plan. “After awhile, it’s just like…loud lights,” Chooch mused, and we were like, “Um, yes, you’re correct.” I get bored after the first two minutes, because I just want the whole thing to be the grand finale. However, I always say, “Ooooh” whenever it’s the gold sizzling ones, because those are my forever faves.
  • Henry and I were originally sitting on a part of the grass that was eventually roped off with ACTUAL CRIME SCENE TAPE by some dopey-looking cop, who is definitely the little go-fer boy of the precinct. Apparently, we had chosen the zone where the ash and firework carcasses drop from the sky, so we had to move. That was pretty much the most action that happened all night.

I still have to wrap-up my KCON recaps and regale the Internet with pictures of furries from the Anthrocon parade, and I’ll get there. But tonight, my brain was not about that organized thought life.

This was taken before the show started, which is why there are so many empty seats. 

When Twice and CNBlue were announced as two of the groups performing at this year’s KCON, Henry knew there was no way  out of it. My love for Twice knows no bounds and Yong Hwa, the lead singer of CNBlue, is one of my favorite Running Man guest stars. Those two groups alone were worth it to me.

When we bought our tickets, it was just me and Henry going but then at the last minute, Chooch decided he wanted to go as well. Tickets for the concert were pretty steep, and not only that but if we bought a third ticket, someone would have to sit alone. Henry the Martyr gave up his ticket so that Chooch could experience the awe and majesty that is Kpop live.

Henry did admit though that he was a bit sad about it because he had some curiosity of what it was going to be like. It’s not everyday you get to see Kpop groups perform live in the States. It’s not like skipping a Dave Matthews Band concert because you know you can just see them again next year. With Kpop, YOU NEVER KNOW!

Concert entry line-up started around 6 so Henry reminded us not to talk to strangers and then peaced out back to the hotel.  It took over an hour for us to get inside the Prudential Center, even with all the specific lines that were designated for each ticket tier. I wasn’t too concerned though because we had seats so it’s not like we needed to be OMG First. (I still had a little bit of that urgency bubbling up inside me though, ugh.)

Security was especially dickish at this place, screaming at everyone in line and mocking the people who were told to throw out all the food samples they were given at the convention. We’re talking full-sized packages of Korean snacks, you guys. Bowls of instant ramen, pitched. People were arguing that it was stuff given to them from convention booths but security gave no fucks and pointed out the garbage cans. I was thankful that Henry took all of our stuff back to the hotel with him, because we had A LOT of food in our bags.

Chooch was really angry about this and I told him blogging about it might be a good exercise of stress relief but then he was like “Wow, suddenly I’m not mad anymore, bye.”

As soon as we made it through security, Chooch wanted a $7 soft pretzel.

“This is why they don’t want you bringing food in here,” I said sadly, withdrawing from Chooch’s college fund.

The tickets I bought were the second cheapest being offered. They went on sale after I sold my soul for G-Dragon tickets, so I’m lucky I was able to buy tickets AT ALL. We were in the nosebleed section for sure, but there was still somehow one level higher than us. It was so steep and scary.

“Well, I guess we won’t be standing during this one,” I laughed, gripping onto the backs of the seats as we slowly shuffled down the row to our designated spots, but Chooch was like THANK GOD because he hates standing at shows.

There was a preshow, hosted by Kevin Woo. We got to watch people win flights to Korea, ugh. The one girl was all, “I want to go to M Countdown and hopefully see BTS….again!” and Chooch and I were puking in our hands. The Olympic committee guys were there again and everyone applauded them loudly — I loved all the Olympic spirit that was happening at KCON! I usually don’t like the winter Olympics (Summer all the way) but obviously I’m super stoked for these ones.

The concert started promptly at 7:30, with KNK! I TOUCHED THEM! I kept reminding Chooch, who was like, “I KNOW, I GET IT!”

The screaming could have been unbearable, but I was SO INTO the whole atmosphere of this thing, that it was only making me incredibly giddy! I couldn’t believe that I was getting to see all of these amazingly beautiful kpop groups perform live, outside of YouTube!

KNK was so great, as expected. They only performed three songs, because the whole purpose of this concert was that it was supposed to be like the Korean weekly music show, M Countdown, where current popular artists come on and perform their chart-toppers. So it’s more like a sampling rather than a full set, and we were totally OK with that. The set-up was perfect for someone like Chooch, with a short and stubby attention span.

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Chooch has no opinion of KNK and said that he can’t keep KNK, Up10tion, and SF9 apart.

Next, Yuju from Gfriend and Dongwoon from Highlight came out and performed Beauty & the Beast, in a special nod to Broadway. I would be lying if I said I didn’t cry during this, and we all know by now that I might be a terrible person, but a liar I’m not. (I mean, look how often my honesty gets me in trouble.)

What I really loved about this part of the concert is that it highlighted (lol) the sickeningly beautiful voices of kpop idols that often get overshadowed by the choreography-heavy stage performances. When it’s all stripped down like this, their voices are able to shine and it’s a great reminder that not only are kpop stars beautiful and sick dancers, but they can fucking sang, y’all.

Chooch: “One of the only Beauty & the Beast songs I know, and it was so sweet.”

The next group to perform was SF9 and I barely knew anything about them, but based on the reaction of the crowd, these boys are way more popular than I realized. The girl in front of me threw her head back in such robust ecstasy that I thought she was going to break my shin bone thing.

They were so freaking good!!

https://instagram.com/p/BV-9osnBNqu/

So the Fortune Wheel was bizarre. SF9 performed like two songs and then stopped to give their obligatory fan service, which just so happened to be “spinning” the Fortune Wheel.  Chooch and I were like “dafuq is happening right now” because these are not things that happen at the shows we’re accustomed to! But it turned out to be pretty entertaining and we got to see the personalities of the group members really shine outside of their tightly choreographed performances. It was slightly awkward because they were speaking 99% in Korean and we had to try and read the subtitles on the screens, which were in LIGHT BLUE FONT.

Anyway, they chose some basic brunette named Paige in the front of the P1 stage area and then two of them proposed to her and it was so dumb but also slightly adorable and she was like kind of crying and swooning through the whole thing, but then couldn’t pick which proposal was better so she picked all of them, what a cop-out. This song-and-dance went on FOREVER when all we really wanted was ACTUAL SONG-AND-DANCE. GIVE US THE SONG-AND-DANCE. Fuck Paige in P1!

Chooch: “God, they took so long with that, it was basically all that and no concert!”

Here is the best SF9 song, in my opinion. Also, SF stands for Sensational Feeling, lol.

Next up, finally, was Gfriend! I only know of them through Sarahkpop, one of my go-to kpop dance workout channels on YouTube. One of the first kpop routine of hers that I did was to a GFriend song, almost two years ago. Admittedly though, the only song I was really anticipating was “Fingertip,” which is their current hit.

I felt that out of all the groups, they were the most awkward when doing the standard introductions. Yerin was unable to be there due to “scheduling conflicts” which is confusing to me because if your actual job is being in a kpop idol group, shouldn’t your schedule be the same as the schedules of the other members? But what do I know!

Of course, when they performed “Fingertip,” everyone went nuts. Chooch said they were his favorite of the whole night and gee, I can’t imagine why.

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I thought they were fun, but they were missing the charisma that seems more prevalent in girl groups like Twice, Red Velvet, SNSD, etc. Maybe I need to watch more of their variety show appearances, though, before I start judging.

Chooch: “They were very shy and like, nervous I guess?”

OK, the next act was someone I was really anticipating: Zion.T! He’s collaborated with G-Dragon in the past, and I just really love his R&B style. There aren’t many solo Korean artists that stand out to me, but he is for sure someone who doesn’t need the support of a idol group. He can command a stage all on his own, without choreography even! Oh man, I thought he was so smooth and totally enjoyable. Henry doesn’t like him because he’s been on Infinite Challenge in the past and Henry thinks he looks like a jerk. #jealous

Anyway, he came out behind a piano and did a few lines from “Complex” and I thought I was going to faint. If G-Dragon had walked out for his part, I probably would be writing this from some Newark mental hospital right now.

Chooch: “He was good, I don’t know.”

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The headliners of night one was Highlight, and I was very curious about this one. So a quick background: they were originally known as BEAST, and they were very popular. One of the guys in Beast, Hyunseung, was actually in the running to be a member of BIGBANG back before they debuted in 2006, but he was eliminated in the end in favor of Seungri (I literally can’t imagine BIGBANG without Seungri and it gives me a stomachache every time I think about how close he was to not being in the group). Hyunseung went on to join another agency, and then became one of the original members of Beast. Anyway, he eventually left to pursue a solo career a few years back, and the rest of Beast recently re-debuted as Highlight. There was a lot of criticism when this happen – it seemed like fans really hated the name and wanted them to just remain as Beast. I don’t know, none of this affected me at all.

Chooch: “Highlight was good, my ear drums exploded, but that’s OK.”

They had such great stage presence and energy! The girls around us were fucking screaming their throats raw. I thought the girls behind me were 13, but I turned around at one point and saw that they were definitely in their mid-to-late 20s and it just made it even better. Kpop inspires mass hysteria, you guys! Chooch’s eyes kept bugging out because of the surround sound shrieks he had to endure all night.

Highlight also did the Fortune Wheel, but theirs was short n’ sweet – they just had to take a selfie. 

https://instagram.com/p/BWIYm4kB9MS/

At the end of the night, all of the artists were introduced again for the goodbye stage and I legit shed some tears.  The whole night, I just kept thinking, “I can’t believe I’m here! I can’t believe I’m seeing this!” Kpop has really turned my life around, as ridiculous as that sounds, and I was just so full of life in tha moment….

….but also really fucking tired.  Chooch and I screamed and applauded until the very last group left the stage, but we were beat, man. Having been outside in the sun-sizzle from 8:30am-7:00pm really took a toll on us and Chooch was close to full-fledged slumber during Zion.T, I think. 

Our Lyft driver Papa H was waiting for us outside and after failing to find an easily accessible place to eat, we ended up eating at the questionable restaurant in our hotel, where I had a veggie wrap stuffed with an entire bag of veggies from the freezer section (crinkle cut carrits, squash, and zucchini — not wrap-appropriate vegetables!). Chooch and I had to fight to keep from nodding off while Henry was wide awake having slept all night while we were in the concert, ugh. 

Day 1 was just too exciting! I couldn’t wait to wake up and do it all over again. MORE LATER!

Much to Henry’s chagrin, Chooch and I enjoy traipsing through the alleys of Brookline. There’s just something so DANGEROUS about it that gives us a thrill, you know? Plus, there’s a discarded flat screen TV laying back there and Chooch likes to kick it. 

I dunno where he gets that destructive urge. 

One time we walked past a bunch of kids smoking pot and Chooch was amazed that his old, square mom knew what pot smells like. 

Ugh. 

We were actually just walking through one of the alleys last night (Henry was horrified when he later found out) and we decided that we would just act like blind kids if we accidentally saw a drug deal or murder.

We think things through sometimes. 

Also last night, the old Polish guy up the street with the stinky produce vans made us stop on the sidewalk and admire the new solar-powered lights he put on his house. It was a nice neighborly moment. 

Also last night, we left the house without telling Henry. 

“What do you think Daddy will do when he finds out we’re missing?” Chooch asked, as though we had run away. 

“He’ll probably say, ‘I’m going to call 911….but first I’ll have an ice cream!'” I said in the Bullwinkle-like voice I adopt whenever I’m being terrible and mocking Henry. 

“We have ice cream?!” Chooch cried, scanning his mental inventory of the freezer. 

“No, but I always imagine that daddy has a secret freezer in the basement, filled with Klondikes,” I shrugged, and then we started talking about Henry stuffing our bodies in the freezer because we’re dark-minded. 

“Someday when you’re older and I’m dead, you’re going to think back to our walks through the scuzzy bowels of Brookline and miss it,” I said on our walk today. 

“Um…sure. I guess,” said Chooch with NO CONVICTION. 

This has been a KCON interlude. Recapping that convention is exhausting and also making me sad because I miss it and want to be talking about 24:7 but to WHOM?!

When my life is 80% daydreaming about Korean stuff, 20% sludging through another basic American day, a convention like KCON gives me life. For two days, I was able to be around other people who also appreciate the culture and the joys this beautiful country brings into our lives, rather than be giving strange looks because I prefer Running Man over the Bachelor or gochujang over BBQ sauce. And so what if I eat kimchi for a snack at work? 

The Hallyu wave has engulfed your girl and there’s no fighting the undertow.

This is my third attempt at writing this thing: the first two times WordPress was s douchebag and didn’t save my edits. So at this point, we’re going the pictures/captions route because I have nothing left to give. Wah.

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Also, real quick because I know there is a popular misconception that I use some kind of crazy vaginal sorcery to brainwash Henry isn’t doing my bidding: he is actually pretty down with the Korean craze as well. I mean, not as much as I am obviously because it takes a certain kind of bipolar nutjob to basically let one obsession with a music genre totally rebrand your entire lifestyle, but he does actually like most of the idol groups (not BTS though, inexplicably) and he genuinely enjoys cooking Korean cuisine and sends me articles about Running Man that he reads on k-gossip sites. We finally have something that we’re enjoying together!

Now if only I can get him to do KpopX fitness videos with me…

All that being said, I’m going to try and cast one of my witchy spells to get him to help me write this post.

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Chooch French-fried me at the McDonald’s booth, where we got these cute reusable bags that proved to be invaluable as we collected free shit every time we turned around. I was really annoyed that the guy who took the picture didn’t take a second one!

Tous les Jours is a French bakery chain in Korea. I know – I was unsure at first too.  But the stuff I tried was so good and had a great Korean twist to French classics. I’d give anything for another piece of milkbread right about now.

Anyway, the only thing Chooch cared about from this place was the fact that a $10 purchase got you a battery-powered mini-fan. The first one he got didn’t work (user error probably) but later in the day, Henry threw down another $10 on beverages and Chooch finally got to have man-made air blown into his overheated face.

“When you can’t afford real friends” – Chooch

There was an entire section of the convention dedicated to the Winter Olympics! Here is Chooch standing with a cutout of the group Highlight.

“Keep walking maybe she won’t follow” – Henry

Chooch got so much free shit, it was incredible. This wasn’t even all of it. The I Love K-Food booths were giving away so many foodstuffs, just by playing games like Plinko and spinning a wheel.

The best part about the vendors and booths is that they were all blaring their own playlists, so it was literally Kpop cacophony.: A/K/A FUCKING DELIGHTFUL. 

“When your mom makes you take pictures with someone you barely even know about” – Chooch.

” Don’t be fooled, he knows who they are.” – Henry

Ha Ha and Gwangsoo from Running Man are K-Food spokespeople! It was so exciting for me to see their likeness outside in the real world, among so many other people who also knew who they were! (They’re my two favorite people from Running Man! If/when Henry and I split, I’m going to add to my “H” knuckle tattoo so it spells Ha Ha.)

Some of the awesome k-beauty products I bought from the Nature Twenty booth. I wanted everything!

“You’re already beautiful enough, you don’t need any of that stuff” – Henry

Song Joong-ki!!!! <333333

“Me and the gang” – Chooch.

“Little did I know, they were going to pick from the opposite side of the tree I hung mine” – Chooch.

If you hung your wish on the Wishing Tree, you were eligible for a drawing later that day. The prizes were an iPad, concert tickets, and fan engagements. Dumb Chooch didn’t win for once. They had some actual men from the PyeongChang Olympics committee there picking the winning wishes! That was pretty cool. Pairing the Olympics with KCON was extremely smart marketing.

GAHHHHH KOREAN FOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

“Choices were pretty slim, though the ones there were good.”- Henry

We all ate lunch from the Korilla booth. I had the tofu taco, Henry had some type of meat taco, and Chooch had veggie mandu. Plus Henry and I split an order of Kim-cheese fries, which was my kimchi fix. I think I’m addicted to that shit, you guys.

My favorite food stall was the traditional Korean beverage guys, though. They served me up some ice cold sikhye (a wonderfully sweet rice drink) and it was divine.

(Chooch apparently hates the word divine, at least my usage of it, so now I want to use it a lot, maybe change his name to it and stick some PINK FLAMINGOS in the yard.)

G-friend was at the AT&T tent at one point so Chooch climbed on a cement thing and got a picture of two of them. 

“When I realized I’m not athletic”- Chooch

“Piano lessons to continue” – Henry

“Slide to the left. J/k” – Chooch

I asked Henry why he and I don’t wear matching couple outfits like those two in the pink hats and he was quick to point out that those two weren’t a couple, but a girl and her gay friend, which I thought was presumptuous because why does a guy in tight shortalls have to be gay?

Anyway, this was during a G-friend “Fingertip” choreography lesson, which was pretty boring to watch. Maybe when I’m a certified KpopX instructor, I can have my own demonstrations at KCON!!!!!!!!!!1111111

That girl back there in the yellow shirt is a super annoying YouTuber.

“We at least agreed on that” – Henry

“When your fam just leaves you” – Chooch.

“When your fam ‘thinks’ they left you.” – Henry

This was right before Henry made friends with a NEWARK COP while Chooch and I were waiting for the PyeongChang wishing tree drawing. He was so proud of it too! Later, Chooch and I saw an old ass cop scoot by on a Segway and I was certain it was Henry’s new boytoy in blue, but then when we were leaving the convention that day, some younger cop jovially smiled and waved to Henry like they knew each other.

“That’s my new cop friend!” Henry said, full of pride.

Wow.

Anyway, I made this picture b&w because Henry is always head-to-toe grayscale so what does it even matter.

That fucking Tous les Jour fan.

“It’s not a ‘fucking’ Tous les Jour fan. It’s a FREAKING Tous les Jour fan” – Chooch.

Random acoustic set from a guy and girl but it wasn’t in Korean so I lost interest. 

“That face you make when you’re not ready” – Chooch. (“If it was Daddy, I would say, ‘That face you make when you see a girl'” – Chooch.)

My people. I loved how diverse the demographic was!

“When you’re 11 and driving. I don’t know.” – Chooch.

Chooch got to play some crazy-ass crane machine controlled by a Toyota CH-R (they called it the CH-rane game) and won a Line Friends notebook. He was salty because it took him so long in the day to finally play and by that time, they were all out of the Line Friends plushies. This was somehow Henry’s fault. 

“When you eat kimchi unknowingly and like it” – Chooch

Seriously, I was like, “Hey Chooch peep this Korean pancake, you’ll love it” BUT IT WAS KIMCHI JEON. Henry makes a delicious jeon, you guys. So maybe when we’re in Korea, he’ll be able to supplement his Subway meals with the occasional jeon.

That moment you catch Henry getting brochures from someone at the Korea Tourism Organization booth and fall in love with the bearded dope all over again.

Chooch was on the prowl for more shit to win.

“When you try to find new parents” – Chooch.

“When you’re tired AF and still forced to get a picture taken” – Chooch.

Chooch looks like he got beat up in his attempt to get a Highlight sign to take into the concert, but really this is just what his legs always look like because HELLO 11 YEAR OLD BOY. He falls off his bike everyday, I think.

And that was Day one of the convention! Concert recap coming soon. 

Hi guys it’s us, Dumb & Dumber. We decided to sneak up on Henry at the laundromat and at the end of the 35 minute walk there, we didn’t see his car (after Chooch was trying to make me paranoid that Henry was actually downtown at Blush).

I texted him and said “What are you doing?” He said “Folding.”

FOLDING WHAT, BENJAMINS INTO G-STRINGS?

So I called him and acted all weird and he was like WHAT IS GOING ON so Chooch grabbed the phone and spilled the beans and Henry was all “You dumbasses.”

OH TURNS OUT HENRY HAS BEEN GOING TO A NEW LAUNDROMAT.

So now we’re in Dollar General killing time because we want Henry to pick us up because the walk home is like all up hill and we didn’t plan this far ahead, and of course I don’t have my wallet so I can’t even buy us snacks and we’re just walking around looking at generic snacks, acting like we’re starving orphans, waiting for Henry to come and adopt us while singing along to Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber.

Omg we look so suspicious and creepy.

Bye!

ETA: Henry came and got us at the original laundromat because Chooch went over there to pee and use the vending machine. We got in the car and Henry said, “Idiots.”

He just said he wishes he had gone to that laundromat because he’d have had us help fold. Ugh.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=Xmg9cpwqIDw

Oh, to be that 가방.

9:24am: Gonna attempt to liveblog the drive home from Newark because the ride here was boring so maybe this will inspire me to spice it up for the sake of the Internet. I’ve been ready to go for an hour but Henry is meticulously packing everything like he’s leaving for the Army. Then he yelled GODDAMMIT and I thought he left his wallet at the Prudential Center or something but turns out he put his phone in his back pocket and accidentally tucked part of his shirt in with it — and that required such a zealous outburst I guess.

I miss KCON.

A LOT.

9:33am: Goodbye, shitty airport Wyndham hotel. It’s amazing the difference in quality between this Wyndham and the one we stayed at Thursday night – that hotel was dreamy. Also, I’m wearing my KCON shirt while taking Chris’s survey about towels.

9:52am: Less than 20 minutes in the car and we’re fighting over where to stop for breakfast. So, everything’s normal over here. Maybe henry should stop asking me to find restaurants because he has a reason to shoot down all of my suggestions, always. I’m retiring as Yelp-Looker-Upper after breakfast. THIS WILL BE MY SWAN SONG. DON’T LET ME DOWN, MR. APPLE PIE DINER.

10:04: We’re here! Everyone hates me but this place has AMBIANCE AND CHARACTER. It kind of smells like pee in here though.

So much brown and orange!

I just sent Chooch to check out the bathroom sitch. He said it’s just normal and not creepy. “White walls, a toilet, garbage can, a sign that says Don’t put paper towels in the toilet, and someone wrote ‘dummy’ at the bottom of it.”

This has been Chooch’s Bathroom Review.

I ordered a veggie omelet. I have never had an omelet with green beans, carrots, corn and peas in it. Literally a whole bag of frozen vegetables. It was….different. Shoulda got the pancakes.

But…those 1970s greasy spoon vibes, y’all.

10:56am: Henry almost wrecked the car because he was so excited to see a Roy Rogers in Whatevertown, NJ.

12:03pm: Just went to Hmart for the first time ever and Henry was a complete jerk and ruined my experience so it will be a loooooong drive home in silence.

The best aisle.

But I bought this G-Dragon thing so stuff it, Henry. (#terriblegirlfriendisterrible)

We also got some doraji and it’s taking everything in me not to tear into it right now. We should have just skipped breakfast and ate at Hmart ugh.

12:40: Henry is upset because of the full service gas station laws in NJ and dejectedly let some kid pump gas on his behalf. Then inside the gas station, henry and I made eye contact and started laughing so I guess we’re all made up now or whatever. Ugh.

1:28pm: Henry’s GPS just said welcome to PA so I guess we’re in PA too bad we live clear on the other side of it and henry is taking the long way to avoid the turnpike.

Some small town in PA, evidently.

Meanwhile Chooch has been hounding henry for his wifi hotspot and we’re like, “Can’t you look out the window and find animals and weeners in the clouds like normal kids from the 80s?!?!” Oh I can’t STAND this generation.

2:02: Ugh we just passed a sign for Scotrun and Henry and I both thought it said Scrotum. I hate when we think alike!!!!!!!!

Smoky BBQ taste, I read that myself nbd.

3:54pm: We are still so far from home and if I hear Chooch whine “daddy” one more time, I might actually put myself up for adoption. WE ARE ALL SO CRANKY. Except henry – he is perfectly prince-y.

4:54pm:

Me: Do you think I’m ugly?

Henry: No.

me: YOU DIDNT EVEN LOOK AT ME!

Henry: I KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!

And now you know what this car ride is like.

5:46pm: waved the white flag in our mission to find eating establishments open on Sunday in this area and had our concession meal at Sheetz. LIVIN’ LARGE. Chooch got spaghetti and complained about it like he forgot he ordered it at a gas station.  I had a veggie wrap which is what I always get from Sheetz but it wasn’t wrapped appropriately therefor changing the whole flavor and experience. Henry thought this was funny because I’ve had really bad luck with food on this trip. We ended up eating at the hotel restaurant Friday night after the show and the veggie wrap I got there was similar to my omelet from this morning: STUFFED WITH A BAG OF FROZEN VEGGIES. Only this mix had zucchini, squash, crinkle-cut carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in it. The kind of freezer section vegetables that make you think you hate vegetables when you’re a kid. NOT APPROPRIATE WRAP VEGGIES. And they were all watery too. I want, like, spinach, tomatoes, onions, olives, green peppers on my wrap. Those are wrap-worthy veggies!!

6:25pm: What You Missed: my daily run-down of all the things I believe to be wrong with me. Once a hypochondriac….

(I used to keep the Merck Medical Journal on my bedside table when I was a teenager. I once thought I had pleurisy, water-on-the-knee, and a quincy at the same time.)

7:23pm: That feeling when Henry has to stop to pee twenty minutes from home. (What is: FURY.)

7:36: YEAH BOY.