Once on some Friday the 13th long ago, I wore this Jason Voorhees hair fascinator thing to work and got faux-offended when Amber1 said that it was cute. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CREEPY! (It is super cute though — but still!) Anyway, it became tradition to wear it on every Friday the 13th after that, and anytime I would forget, Amber would be let down. Finally, I bought another Jason Voorhees hair clip (this one is a bloody bow) to keep in my desk for those instances when I forgot the good Jason hair clip.

Which happens a lot!

But today I remembered to wear the good one, much to Amber’s delight. This  meant I had a SPARE Jason accessory in my desk, and I somehow conned Todd into wearing it clipped to the drawstring of his hoodie.

Hours later, Amber walked by him and said, “Aw Toddles, you have a Jason bow too!” Todd was like, “The fuck are you talking about?” and then remembered it was clipped to his shirt, just high enough up that it appeared he was wearing a girlish bow tie with Jason Voorhees emblazoned in the middle.

“Aw man, I forgot that was there! No wonder everyone was looking at me weird when I went out to get soup.”

YESSSSS.

That was pretty much the highlight of the work day.

Came home to a beautiful doenjang jjigae. Henry is secretly enjoying this, I think. He bought a bamboo mat so that he can make me kimbap!

We were all laying about like Friday night sloths when Haley messaged me to see what we were up to and I was like NOTHING COME OVER and they did! So then it was Kards & Kpop night. We played Exploding Kittens and Chooch legit cried because he was the first one out and this was apparently my fault so I’ll probably wake up to cat poop on my pillow, or worse — one of those asshole YouTubers he loves, screaming into my ear.

Honestly though, when Chooch lost it was so funny that I nearly peed my pants from laughing. I’ll pay for this sooner or later. If there’s anyone more competitive than me, it’s Chooch.

LOL JUST KIDDING IT’S NO ONE. I WIN AT BEING COMPETITIVE.

Anyway, Blake is now all aboard the Kpop train. Sorry, Haley!

These are in no particular order. Just one giant RIP dump. I’m in a really bad mood today so there likely won’t be much commentary.

I used to kind of watch M.A.S.H. as a kid as somehow completely missed the fact that this dude’s character was a priest.

I am just not eloquent enough to put into words everything that Leonard Cohen encompasses and represents as an artist. And now I’m sitting here crying at my desk. Thanks, guys.

Really??

REALLY!?!?!!?

I’m sorry, but words escape me with these two as well.  And for all the dickheads who are all, “Oh boo hoo, a celebrity has died. Get over it” NO YOU GET OVER IT. 2016 chipped away at peoples’ childhoods left and right, man. Let us grieve.

Ugh. I wrote a whole thing here in case you missed it, or purposely skipped it, whatever. You don’t get paid to read this shit!

As sad as it was to hear of the passing of John Glenn, I was excited to get to actually utilize the “glenn” text that prints out on all of my Glenn sheets. LOL all through space.

Subtle Tracy Gold vomit.

Eh.

Sandy said she appreciated the inclusion of the Wesson bottle.

I only know the iced tea/lemonade thing.

UM LE DUH.

A few weeks ago, when I was growing through a mad dash to get all my RIP Glenns done, Alive Glenn mumbled, “Did you make a Glenn for America yet?” And I was like, “Um, yeah Glenn. On November 9th. Pfft.”

OK, today has been awful. But I’m going to see Pianos Become the Teeth after work and I’m really thankful for that! And also for Lauren who took my dumb Thursday late shift so that I could go.

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS, as they say.

P.S. If you’re all, “But no George Michael, though?” I would like to take this moment to direct your eyeballs here.

Something I’m currently obsessed with:

Well um, I’m currently obsessed with… MKTO I was listening to like everyone of their songs and its super good go check them out!

Something I did in school recently: 

Well… As embarrassing as it is… I have to embrace the cringe and say that we HAVE to do ballroom dancing and we have to “dance?” with every girl in the class and so do the girls (except with the boys). But thankfully we had to dance a foot away from each other. *PHEW*

Something that is currently annoying me: 

Easy… Mommy!

Something I like listening to: 

As I said for number 1, MKTO!

Something I want to do this weekend: 

Go to Japan or England

(Mom Edit: Lies. He wants to learn the choreography for his favorite Kpop song “TT.”)

Something I would do in Japan:

 Visit Tokyo duh.. Oh you mean do in Tokyo? Oh well explore the anime, Pokemon, and Cat Café, oh yah and probably for mommy, visit Owl Café! I KNOW CRAZY RIGHT!?

Something I would bring to show & tell if I was still in preschool: 

Well I know how schools don’t allow pets, except for my old school, we were allowed to bring our pets one day, but mommy wouldn’t let me bring Marcy because she would kill every kid, and teacher! So I would bring DREW! Screw school policies!

Something I would do if I were a cat: 

Annoy my owner and eat MeowMix. WHAT?!! IM INTERESTED!!

Something I’d like to say about the song “Something” by Kpop sensations Girl’s Day: 

Who’s that?

<https://youtu.be/Gdma5UiMaEQ

Something I’d eat every day if I could: 

Well… French fries maybe? Oh I know! Cat Food*.

Something I would say to our mannequin Trudy if she came to life: 

I’d say “Go back to your normal self, you hobo!”

Something something something: 

Umm what’s wrong is your head ok? You’re repeating the same word three times.

*(Should I be concerned?)

Sometimes I like to make sure I have my weekends accounted for in case I’m brought in as a murder suspect sometime down the road and they’re like WHERE WERE YOU ON SUNDAY JANUARY 8th and I can scream back AT EITHER ONE OF TWO ASIAN MARKETS, AHHHH!!

So even though the weekend wasn’t exactly chockful of raves and slaughter, here’s a run-down of my Sat&Sun minutiae, just like the LiveJournal days of “Hey guys, I woke up and had breakfast. Heh. My cat just walked into the room. Lol. Like, everything is so meh. Do you like my new Squee icon?”

Don’t pretend like you don’t remember those days!

ANYWAY. What did I do on Saturday. I woke up at some point obviously and demanded that Henry make me ramyeon for breakfast because did I tell you I’m on a Kpop diet? I LOST THREE POUNDS LAST WEEK. Sure, I’m eating a fuck-ton of noodles but all the kpopx (and also Figurerobics – a new Korean workout I’ve added to my repertoire in addition to straight up freestyling to Kpop videos because this is real life now) is burning through it and I have so much more energy now! DONT TRY TO NUTRITION ME.

MMM BREAKFAST RAMYEON.

Um, then I Kpopped a lot. I told Chooch that we’re going to have a kpop party, and somewhere from the hollows of upstairs, Henry called out, “No we’re not.”

(Sometimes he accidentally busts out with Red Velvet and EXID songs.)

And then Robbie and Nikki came over and we went to a late lunch at Zenith (without Chooch, so in case he’s the one who’s in trouble – he was at the game place in Brookline with his friend Dang and I have no idea what he was doing — I’m not taking the fall for him!). It was Robbie and Nikki’s first time at Zenith and I was so excited for Nikki to see the bathrooms. Zenith has so much going for it but that owl bathroom is definitely something you’d write home about.

Anyway, Henry thinks he’s like super cool now because this was like his fourth time at Zenith, and he was totally trying to yuk it up and flex his faux-vegan muscles to impress Robbie, who was just like, “Dad, why are you being weird?” I thing Henry name-dropped “seitan” at least 18 times while we were there.

Like, get a life, gramps.

Nikki and I both got the tofishy sandwich and as usual, I am still daydreaming about it two days later. It’s the best, just the absolute best sandwich I have ever had at a vegetarian restaurant and the vegan tartar sauce is like straight from God’s lovegutter.

Dumbass Henry planned this perfectly so that we would have to rush out in order to pick up Chooch, leaving me NO TIME to look around and buy things. I was heartbroken, and made sure to call him out for this on Instagram. Zenith commented and called him a jerk! YES! Henry just mumbled, “Thanks, Erin.” Whatever Henry. I liked Zenith first.

Later that evening, we went to Target and I tried to deter Henry from buying a shapeless, lame pair of Wranglers.

“Ok DAD!” I sneered as he sauntered off to the fitting room to try on the bland, stiff denim leg-sacks.

“Well, I am a dad,” Henry replied. “And a soon-to-be grandfather, so…”

TOUCHE MOTHERFUCKER.

Of course we left Target without the thing we went to Target for. Fucking Target.

Came home and did more Kpopx while Henry actually cleaned some of the attic for real this time! Ugh, he has so many old computers, computer parts, and milk crates of CD-ROMs just chillin’ up there, obstructing my dreams of a Neon Paradise. However, I did find the paper mache Henry head we made for our Christmas cards several years back, so voila, Trudy suddenly has a new head:

I put it on briefly and Drew was super freaked out. SORRY, DREW.

Sunday, we went to one of the Asian markets while Chooch was at piano lessons. I am so lucky to be with someone who supports my lifestyle* changes! Is he happy about it? Eh…he’s more tolerant of it than Chooch though. Chooch snapped yesterday and said, “I wish you never got into kpop again!!!” Lol.

*(I’m trying to learn Korean. So far I only know hello/goodbye and boyfriend, which is the same word for older brother? Anyway, I have been saying hello to everyone at work in Korean now and Glenn said that I just sound like I’m saying onion. TT)

As I’m typing this,  Henry is seriously ENGAGED by one of Jellybeannose’s kpop dance challenges, to the point where he just laughed and cried out, “She just kicked Ricky in the back of the leg!” LOL, he’s learning the names of the K-Con regulars. By the way, I told him he could turn this off, and that was a half hour ago!!

Anyway, we stocked up on Korean kitchen staples, like gochujang and gochugaru, and various fruits for my weekly fruit salad. I think that Henry is secretly into it because he genuinely loves to cook so now he’s being forced to, you know, cook outside the box, or whatever. Spoiler alert: he made tteokbokki for dinner last night and it was everything. Just everything. I AM NEVER HUNGRY ANYMORE.

But then after Chooch’s piano lesson, we had to go back to the other Asian market in order to get the gochugaru which we couldn’t find at the first one and were both too afraid to ask. This particular market also has a counter where you can order food so me and Chooch got three car wheel cakes (custard, taro and red bean) which were amaze. I also bought a bag of soy bean & pumpkin instant cereal to replace my Cream of Wheat, despite Henry’s wise warnings.

Tteokbokki, you’re a fucking heartthrob.

Chooch had plain ramyeon and yelled at me for being “weird.”

Yeah. I’m weird.

Um, and then I started to work on a new painting! I haven’t really been painting much lately, aside from several customs that I did for Christmas. Maybe 2017 will be more inspiring for me!

At some point on Sunday, I went for a walk around on Brookline which was a ninny move because it was approximately 10 degrees outside. When I was walking back to the house, Boots was outside on his porch, in fucking SHORTS, A T-SHIRTS, AND SOCKS. We made eye contact and he’s obviously afraid of me now so he started to turn around, but then I just started cracking up. Like, I couldn’t even help it.

So then he looked at me expectantly and I cried, “How are you standing out here in shorts!?”

He laughed nervously, clearly trying to figure out if this was a trap, and then he put a fist in the air and said, “I’m a true Steelers fan!” Like, OK buddy.

I went inside and said, “I just talked to Boots for the second time!”

“Isn’t that the third time?” Chooch asked. “Or are you not counting the time you looked at him and said ‘Ew’?” LOL I forgot about that. But my point is that my new lifestyle just has me in the best mood. I just want to be nice and say annyeong to everyone! Even the haters like Chooch and Glenn.

Maybe I’ll start to learn more of the language once I get a Korean pen pal.

And I’ll leave you with my current favorite Kpop song. I hope KpopX makes a workout for it soon!

P.S. I had one of the soy bean pumpkin packets today at work and legitimately almost threw up, much to the delight of Glenn and Todd. Later in the afternoon, I had a fleeting taste-memory of it and started dry-heaving a little as I walked down the hall to a meeting, which would have been more enjoyable had there been Kpop playing softly in the background. 

(The meeting, not my dry-heaving.)

(Ok my dry-heaving too.)

This weekend has been super chill & cat-filled. Enjoy some pictures of said cats. 

This was right after Chooch lifted the lid of a cooler filled with melted ice and Drew  dove right in with impeccable timing. That’s what you might call a RUDE AWAKENING but what do I know about diving into coolers of melted ice. 

Then Chooch left the house and Drew became SUPER CONCERNED. Somehow she knows that Chooch is her Person. He’s the only one who can hold her without her squirming and wriggling and taking strips of your skin with her. 

Ears. 

Monica replied to this picture on Twitter with a gif of Yoda and I couldn’t agree more! Except that Drew is way less wise. See above coole dive tale. 

Drew sits on that stool everyday like she owns it or something. 

Henry was supposed to be cleaning out all his garbage (read: possessions) from the attic. I had some pressing Kpop news to tell him probably so I ran upstairs but then didn’t have to go any further because I found him in Chooch’s room, playing Xbox with Penelope. 

Ugh. 

But he did eventually travel to the attic and ended up making a small dent in it. I hate when things aren’t immediately finished! But I’ll be patient and then someday by Neon Paradise will be complete. 

I know you’ve been chomping at the bit for an update on my lunatic neighbors, so here is a handy run-down of December happenings. I am literally That Nosy Housewife who stands with a glass to the wall in order to hear the conversations better.

• They have a tv now. A box tv with a bunch of VHS tapes stacked on top. I can see it clearly when I’m across the street getting out of the car and YES I’M PURPOSELY LOOKING.
• Henry said Larry stopped him on the sidewalk and very earnestly said, “Please don’t associate me with [Boots]. I’m trying to get rid of him, too.” Chooch’s Nemesis Larry….our ally?! I never would have thought….
• 12/14: Boots & Phyllis have a HUGE FIGHT at 1am which causes me to lose my shit and I start screaming too, and Henry mumbles from beneath his pillow for me to stop and not stoop to their level and I’m all “I’LL SHOW YOU STOOPING!!” as I proceed to stampede up and down the steps and then slam the front door so hard that one of my framed Warped Tour pictures falls off the wall. HEY, IT GETS THEIR ATTENTION and there’s not one more peep for the rest of the night. And I know this because I’m so fucking wired at this point that I just lay in bed and shake.
• 12/16: Friday night – another GET AWAY FROM ME fight. Phyllis is all, “I’m not leaving in the middle of the night!” And I’m all, “I wish you would, you dumb bitch!” God, SOMETIMES I THINK I’M ON BOOTS’ SIDE.
• 12/17: Saturday early evening. I’m sitting here trying to watch a vlog of my favorite American Kpop dancer (jellybeannose, le duh) in Korea for a 2013 Kpop convention, when suddenly: EXPLOSION NEXT DOOR. I grab my glass and run up to my room to get a better listen-hear.  “You make $300 a month, how are you even paying rent GEORGE? You’re GOOD FOR NOTHIN’. I’d be embarrassed if I was fucking you! Idiot! You’re a fucking IDIOT! You don’t HAVE any friends! They all talk behind your back!” I have literally never herd someone say “good for nothin'” in real life.  Then Boots left. Then he came back. Then SHE left, limping down the street with a blanket, like it was her bindle or something. Boots left a few minutes later and limped a different direction. He came back later but Phyllis never did thank god.
• 12/19: I was off work this day and suddenly, over top of my TV, I heard, “WOOO! WOOO!” Turns out, Boots was on the phone with someone, and he signed off with a slurred, “Ok I love you talk to you later” – who was he talking to?! Phyllis? His mom? His dealer? More importantly, how the fuck can I hear him ON THE PHONE OVER MY TV when he’s on an entirely different floor in his house?!
  • Later, I heard HOT NAYBOR CHRIS THE JUDAS OFFERING BOOTS ANOTHER TV?! They were outside in the driveway and I kept gasping, “Chris, no!” And Boots was all slurring around the cigarette holes in his throat, “YEAH YEAH I WANT THAT” and then Chris suggested that they go ask LARRY for his dolly and I’m thinking, “We’re trying to get this guy to leave and Chris is trying to make his house more of a home, ugh!”
  • Then after that, the Crazy lady who lives in the big white house up the street stopped on the sidewalk and was talking to Boots about the inside of the house, and then they had a weird argument over the driveway because she didn’t believe that it’s shared between the two house. I was walking home later from the bakery and saw her later pausing in front of our house, scoping out our driveway. SO MANY WEIRDOS IN BROOKLINE.
• MICHAEL: I began noticing a second derelict accompanying Boots on the porch and turns out his name is Michael and I know this because Boots got locked out for the 8973407290720850834265 time since moving in and started screaming MICHAEL MICHAEL MICHAEL I’M LOCKED OUT and then I heard Michael’s dopey clodhopper footsteps bumbling down the steps and over to the door, at which point Boots had to holler instructions on how to unlock the door so god only knows what sort of jerry-rigged security set-up he’s got going on over there.
• Without Phyllis, it’s pretty quiet for the rest of the week. Michael doesn’t do much. We did make eye contact once and it was scary though.
• 12/23: JUDY MADE CONTACT. She was here babysitting Chooch and said that Boots came a’calling during the day, asking if she found a phone in the mailbox because his friend was supposed to have had dropped off a phone to him but thought he might have put it in ours instead. WHAT THE HELL, IS IT A BURNER PHONE?! Judy started white-knighting him and I didn’t like that, not one bit. She said he was “very polite” and Chooch said, “He’s lucky YOU weren’t the one who opened the door” which made Henry laugh without mirth because everyone knows I don’t answer the door when strangers knock. Then Judy got all dreamy-eyed and said, “He looks familiar. Maybe I used to drink with him. Yeah, down at the Soithern Star.” Henry groaned, “Oh god please don’t know him.”
  • Later that night, PHYLLIS RETURNS but Boots isn’t home! I spend a good deal of time in my bedroom, plastered against the wall with my hearing-glass. Some other man is with her and I assume it was her ride there. It sounds like she is getting some of her shit together, and she’s spitting all kinds of hate-speech about Boots (or as she calls him, “George”). The guy with her says something about Boots leaving earlier with his brother, so I think Michael is his brother?!
    • Also, Phyllis keeps saying, “Come here, pretty girl!” and I’m wondering if this is some hostage Boots keeps chained up under the bed, but then I deduce it’s a pet of some sort.  A few days later, I see a white and gray cat sitting on the bedroom windowsill. That poor cat. :(
• 12/25: Christmas morning, a pick-up that looks like it drove off the set of Beverly Hillbillies drops off some real fucking vagabonds. One is a young …. woman and she’s very Hills Have Eyes. A few days later, I saw her outside in an awkward embrace with Michael. Anyway, later that night there are a ton of violent outbursts and then I realize that they’re having what I assume is some type of inbred Steelers party, I don’t know. At some point the next day, the pick-up truck limps its way back to Pioneer Ave and scoops up Hills Have Eyes.
• 12/31: THE CONFRONTATION. For as much as I sincerely hate Boots, I have to say he’s fairly harmless and quiet (well, he still gets carried away with the door-slamming here and there). But then, Phyllis comes back. So it’s New Years Eve, and again — we’re just hanging out, watching hockey (not Korean hockey, just NHL) when the volatile shouting happens. “YOU’RE A FUCKING CUNT!” Boots shouted, so then I screamed into the wall, “NO YOU’RE A FUCKING CUNT!!!” and Chooch ripped off his headphones and got an excited “Oooh Mommy’s about to put on a show!” look on his face. Meanwhile, Henry was groaning, “Erin, STOP!” and I just lost it, screaming my face off about how trashy these assholes are and how I was ready to fight them. I heard the door slam, so I ran to my front door and stood there with my arms crossed. Boots was walking up the sidewalk, and as he got in front of my house, he looked up at my porch and I held onto the eye contact as angrily as I could. He stopped and I swear he first called me a broad, and then mouthed off about me having a problem. So I stepped out onto the porch and said, “Yeah, I have a problem with you!” He incredulously repeated, “With me?!” And, here is where I wish I could rewind time and say something better, I yelled, “YEAH, YOU AND YOUR YAPPING!” So then he started WALKING DOWN MY SIDEWALK TOWARD ME and I’m thinking, “Oh fucking finally, we’re going to fight! I’m so glad  I had that glass of wine first!” But you guys, instead of being the fucking macho man he is when he’s verbally terrorizing Phyllis, he instead got SUPER POLITE and began kissing my ass. “Look, I got a big problem with this woman over there. She’s homeless and I took her in and now I just want her to leave, but she won’t. She’s causing me all kinds of problems!” I’m still being stern at this point, still have my arms crossed angrily, and it occurs to me that I’ve been subconsciously channeling my inner Aunt Sharon, who was NOTORIOUS for confronting people. But at the same time, I now feel myself getting pulled into his dramarama and I’m like, “Well, she’s certainly making you look bad*, so you should just make her leave if she doesn’t live there.” *(Like he needs help in that area.) Then he goes on to tell me about the people coming in and out, taking advantage of him and honestly I have no idea what it is he has to offer unless this really is a drug situation happening (there are two people who roll up frequently, go in his house for a minute, and then leave…like, come on). Also, I can’t believe how excruciatingly difficult it is to understand him. He literally talks like a grouping of dicks is going to cascade from him mouth at any second—what the hell does he have stuffed in there?! His voice, oh my god, you guys. Meanwhile, he was standing bow-legged and all slinky, flapping his arms and swaying back and forth, and I’m not even sure if he was actually drunk or high, or if this is just his standard stance. He is so beyond white trash. Then he went on to explain how he “remodeled” all of the properties on our block (false — he just worked for the contracting company! He made it sound like he did it all himself) and that he “pays his rent” and I’m like, “Well that’s great but you’re disruptive, and I’ve lived here a long ass time without having problems with any of my neighbors” (also false but he is legit the worst). We ended with him swearing to do better and then I just turned around and went inside while he was wishing me a happy new year. I DON’T WANT HIS GROSS WELL-WISHES!!
  • When I turned to come back inside, Chooch nearly fell out of the doorway. He was laughing so hard and Henry was just like “ARE YOU HAPPY NOW!?” and you know what, yeah motherfucker, I was happy. Man, it felt great to finally face-off with that dickhead, you know? And on my turf, too. I don’t ever want to knock on that door because god only knows what will open it. So I was happy that this happened outside with cars driving by.
  • “How could you even understand him!? He did so much gesturing!” Chooch cried, still doubled-over with laughter.
  • “I’m pretty sure he asked you where your dad is,” Henry said, frowning. OMG DOES HE THINK HENRY IS MY DAD?! It just gets better and better.
• There hasn’t been anything major to report since then. I haven’t heard Phyllis’s nerve-racking voice so I’m trying to just pretend that she found greener pastures and isn’t chopped up and stuffed in a suitcase somewhere.

As I type this, there’s some moderate commotion next door, but my hearing-glass has helped me determine that it’s not of the violent variety. It’s the weekend and I guess some of the friends that Boots doesn’t have according to Phyllis are visiting him from the halfway house, where they will later return and talk about him behind his back.

ALTHOUGH IF HE SLAMS THAT FUCKING DOOR ONE MORE TIME….

I wonder what Boots’ spy-log for me would look like?

• The broad is doing Korean aerobics again
• The broad is listening to Korean music again
• They’re all yelling at the cats
• The broad is yelling at the hockey game
• The broad is dragging another wheelchair into the house — WHO IN THERE IS PARALYZED?!
• The broad and the kid are beating up their dad again

But you know, the spelling would be worse than my usual abomination of the written word.

Going to the Einstürzende Neubauten show.

How Hulk loafs around in the privacy of his home is none of your concern.

Cat torture attire.

Lower half is ready for a night of gothic boot-stomping at the Bat Cave, top half is ready to drink craft beer while building a terrarium at PLANT NITE.

If John Waters had directed Mary Poppins.

Some things, in a list.

• You could turn pictures of my house into a goddamn I Spy book. Some days I think that’s awesome, but then other days I want to get industrial-sized garbage bags and go on a decluttering spree. (Don’t worry, it would only be Henry and Chooch’s shit though.)
• I had to type out”Connecticut” at work today and I just stared at it like HOW CAN THAT BE RIGHT. 
• Henry said he had a dream the other night that we got married. Notice he said DREAM and not NIGHTMARE. Making progress! We might actually be wed before Chooch!

• This was my favorite painting in my grandma’s clown room. My mom brought it over for me last week. Bitter-fucking-sweet. It’s still my dream to have my own clown room one day in honor of my grandparents. I have a ton in my collection already but I need an entire room for it and this house doesn’t have it.
• Too bad I ran out of people to send Greetings From Erin’s Lunch Break postcards to, because last week’s would have been a great one. I was walking back to work while on my lunch break when some young guy walked past me and, in a very concerned voice, called out, “You dropped your turtles!” I spun around and cried, “What OMG no—-wait….” and then he pointed at me said, “Gotchu!” and I responded with a “ha, you got me!” face and it was a total Mentos moment. This was a few minutes after I got busted at the Point talking to my shoe.
  • What? It had come untied for the fourth time on my walk (Henry thinks this is because I “tie them wrong” but he can go fuck himself, really) and, while I was crouched down retying it, I cried, “Untied again? Man, fuck you, shoe” just as some man walked by and chuckled. Oh, like he doesn’t talk to his shoes too.

• I decided that my life is sorely missing the days of exotic fruit salads, so I made Henry go to the Asian market with me on our day off on Monday. (“Just how I wanted to spend my day off” he mumbled, and I was like, “OH THEN LET’S STAY HOME AND YOU CAN START CLEANING YOUR SHIT OUT OF THE ATTIC, ASSHOLE” — suddenly, he had the car keys in his hand and was ushering us out of the house.) We went to Lotus instead of Oriental Market which is where we typically go but I couldn’t bear the thought of McKnight Rd (it just makes me angry) and the selection was semi-OK. I got various Asian pears and dragonfruit, but the vegetables was where it was at, you guys. We got purple and regular yams, pumpkin, some squash thing, and TARO – I fucking love taro. There used to be a froyo place nearby that we went to a lot and sometimes they would have TARO froyo, and fresh JACKFRUIT AND LONGAN toppings. Yeah boi. Anyway, right after this, I decided that I should just adopt a full Korean diet to go along with my kpop workouts so now I’ve been sending Henry all kinds of vegetarian Korean recipes, none of which he’s made me yet. Instead, he just made various vegetables (like woodear mushrooms, which taste much better when they’re not a dessert!), udon, and tofu and was like, “I DON’T KNOW IF THIS IS KOREAN, BUT YOU’RE GOING TO EAT IT” and he’s right — I ate it. And it was wonderous. I love my new lifestyle!

• After watching the 18th video of American girls reacting to Kpop music videos, Henry mumbled that he hates when I get obsessed with things and I’m like dude, that’s my personality. When he first met me, I had literally just come back from seeing The Cure in Australia because OBSESSED. That should have been his signal to opt out!
  • Anyway, this isn’t an obsession. This is my new lifestyle. I decided that since the kpop obsession came back to me after I let it free, then it is TRULY MEANT TO BE. (I went through a heavy k-obsession in my early 20s until Comcast decided that the international channels were too premium to be loafing in the basic tier.)
    • Also, they play Carly Rae Jepsen in the background of a lot of the Korean videos I watch on YouTube. <3

• I woke henry up to ask him what he’s making me to take to work for dinner since I’m late shift and he said, “There are frozen meals in the freezer.” Um, they’re not K-frozen meals? “Not everything is going to be Korean!” he yelled, to which I replied, “Well yeah actually it is because this is my life now.” And that dickhead had the audacity to tell me I better learn how to cook then. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A THREAT. 

• Can someone please teach my kid how to eat? I deemed 2017 the year of expanding Chooch’s dietary horizons. He is so fucking picky and it makes it even harder now that he is a vegetarian. I mean, we can only feed him so many faux-chicken nuggets. (Lol @ “we.”) He’ll eat tofu, but he is so stubborn with everything else. We took him to Salem’s Market after the Asian market and tried to get him to eat falafel and he said he liked it but basically didn’t want to taste it again. And also, he hated the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and “weird sauce.” So then he was like, “Maybe I would like it better if it wasn’t wrapped up” and so he dumped it all out and then proceeded to just eat the rest of his French fries and I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN HIM. He’s supposed to be my partner in vegetarian…crime? If Henry will ever get off his ass and make me some bibambap, maybe he’ll like that.
  • LOL, yeah right.
• Chooch was watching videos on the TV in his room the other night and couldn’t hear screaming for him to turn it down, so Henry was all, “I’ll take care of this” and opened the Roku app on his phone and hit “listen privately” which basically muted it I guess, so we heard a brief window of silence, and then Chooch mutter, “…the fuck.” Then he figured out how to turn the volume back on, so Henry did it again. Now Chooch was getting agitated. (He goes from 0 to 100 in a second, just like his beautiful, amazing mommy.) He started swearing and then the “DADDY!!!! COME HERE!!!!” started. Henry was like, “Nope.” So Chooch turned the volume back on and then Henry turned the entire TV off from his phone and now Chooch was ENRAGED and screaming for Henry to come and help him. So he got it turned back on and Henry went up to act concerned, while I started playing videos of this American girl teaching kpop choreography, which Chooch HATES. So then he started to CRY because he was so freaked out and I swear to god we did this to him before, did he forget?! So I just kept turning the kpop girl video back on, over and over, until Henry called downstairs for me to stop because Chooch was actually THAT UPSET. Apparently, he thought his TV broke or something — YEAH RIGHT, HE THOUGHT THE MAN IN THE ATTIC STRUCK AGAIN. I went upstairs about an hour later, and as I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, Chooch started yelling at me from his room about how blah blah blah, he wasn’t scared, just pissed, etc etc, so I swapped out whatever dumb YouTube video he was watching for a scene from The Exorcist. SWEET DREAMS, BOO THANG.

• Speaking of Chooch and his dumb YouTube videos, I bought him some YouTuber’s “memoirs” for Xmas, against Henry’s better judgment, and that son of bitch wolfed down those words with his eyeballs in two days. I had the vague sense that this book was inappropriate, and Chooch started telling me parts of it, and I was like OK STOP LALALALA.
  • He was cracking up pretty hard while reading it so I said, “So, it’s kind of like reading my blog, right?” and he said, “Uh….well….it’s just that….his life is actually interesting.” WOW.
    • JUST WOW. TT
• I went for a walk around Brookline the other day and was shocked to see that a bar spelled “potato” correctly on their sidewalk menu. Proud of them!
• I figured something out over the weekend: Chooch’s wardrobe doesn’t have enough sequins. I’m doing a shitty job as his stylist. :/
• OK confession: for the entire month of December, I had on the radio station that plays all Xmas music, all the time, because I was trying to torture Boots and Phyllis since my bedroom radio is right up against our shared wall. Not sure if it worked, but it definitely tortured ME in the process. I’m so thankful it’s over, because if I had to hear Taylor Swift’s version of Santa Baby one more time…it is so fucking sterile and asexual! She should’ve changed the lyrics to be about an actual baby.

OK,  I’m out. I have to go find a YouTube tutorial on how to tell my kid to take a fucking shower in Korean. Annyeoung!

For the newcomers or FAIRWEATHERED BLOG READERS (lol, j/k – fairweathered is better than no-weathered), RIP Glenns is the brainchild of Amber2. It’s a mash-up of the Halloween-costumed Glenns I made for my Halloween desk theme in 2012, where I printed out pictures of Glenn’s employee ID and essentially defaced them and put them in prize capsules. Then people would come to my desk every day to get their daily Glenn and candy and it was so much fun! Prior to that, we had a wall in the department where we would hang pictures of dead celebrities, but then we had to take them down for whatever reason. So Amber2 had the brilliant idea to merge the two!  The more you know.

***

Ugh you guys. So many celebrities died in 2016 that I could barely keep up with the RIP Glenns. In fact, I didn’t even do all of the ones I had on my list (sorry, Janet Reno!) because contrary to popular belief, I actually have real work to do at work, too. If there’s a celebrity that died sometime in the first half of 2016 that you feel is sorely remiss from the Glenn collection, please let me know and I will make one JUST FOR YOU. Because that’s the new me, you guys. Accommodating.

I think only three people appreciated this one, but man — Garry Shandling brings back fond memories of my childhood and watching age-inappropriate television.

Meh. I don’t really have anything eulogy-ish to say about Chyna. SORRY CHYNA.

If you’re any kind of hockey fan, you probably shed a tear when you heard that Mr. Hockey himself had passed away. </3

I posted this one right after Prince died, dedicating a whole post to him because come on, it’s motherfucking Prince.

Chiller Theatre was a little bit before my time, but my dad LOVED IT and would often reference it, so I had no choice but to know about it. For those non-Pittsburghers, Bill Cardille is a local treasure. As the persona Chill Billy, he hosted the show Chiller Theater, which aired sci-fi and horror movies. He also had a tourism company, which my grandma and Aunt Sharon used a few times for their trips to Europe, and it was like a huge deal that they were essentially “vacationing” with Chilly Billy. They always raved about how nice of a guy he was, and now I wish I had met him!

When I was helping my mom clean out my grandparents’ house last year, I came across a bunch of pictures they had taken from those trips, and he was in a lot of them. Everyone looked so happy AND NOW EVERYONE IS DEAD.

#SoDepressed

UGH talk about total childhood memories! When I was a kid, Nick At Nite used to play legitimate classic sitcoms, like The Donna Reed Show, Leave It To Beaver, and the Patty Duke Show. I used to fucking watch the shit out of those shows after dinner, while writing letters to my pen pals that I found in the Alby’s Big Boy kids menu. (THEY EVEN PRINTED MY ADDRESS ONE TIME!!!!!) So when I think of Patty Duke, I think of innocent TV times. Also, HELEN KELLER? And she gave birth to MIKEY FROM THE GOONIES?! This lady ruled.

Who would have thought the murder (I don’t care what you say, it was murder) of a gorilla would spawn such an intense Internet meme? You can’t even read the comments on ANYTHING without seeing at least one Harambe-centric comment (unless you peep the comments on this here blog, because there are usually none, lol all the way home from the market). Harambe is the new Illuminati, I guess.

Dicks out for Harambe. :(

I’m not a boxing fan by any means, but this was just a big loss for sports in general. We were in Louisville last September and I wanted to go and see his grave but Henry was all “[BIG DUMB EXCUSES]” so I didn’t get to see it. :(

****

OK, I think that pretty much covers the RIP Glenns from spring and summer. I’ll be back later with fall and winter 2016. Boo hiss. Death sucks.

Happy Freakin’ New Year, guys! We greeted the new year with mild excitement and little effort, lots of Kpop and some neighborly confrontations. Henry and Chooch made strange-tasting sugar cookies & I drank wine. Basically just a regular night up here in the Appledale shanty. 

2016 was the worst year I have personally experienced in 20 years. I get it – let’s not blame a random calendar year, etc. But there’s no denying that this past year was heavy with a glaze of depression, oppression, and great loss all around for everyone, universally. I experienced personal loss myself and the best way I can explain it is that it was like having my childhood resurrected only to watch it get stabbed to death right before my eyes. Most of the year was a living nightmare, no hyperbole intended. 

I learned a lot about myself (for instance, I haven’t healed from past traumas like I thought I had, just built a wall around my heart stronger than any dumb wall Trump has in mind), cried a lot (I am extremely emo though), but I also got to spend time with a lot of awesome people, and that’s my takeaway: no matter how shitty everything may be, friends will always make it seem OK. (I guess also I couldn’t have gotten through it all without dumb Henry and Chooch, too.)

I went to even more shows alone this past year and have discovered that I actually like it! Being alone is ok sometimes, especially if it means not forfeiting doing something you want to do just because you don’t have anyone to do it with you. It’s helped the “old Erin” resurface a bit more, and I remembered how much I kind of liked her, even though she made bad decisions and was SUPER OBNOXIOUS and TEMPERAMENTAL, lol. A cameo here and there is OK. 

So for 2017, I want to take all the good from 2016 and multiply it by a million. I want to:

• hang out more with my friends / being more diligent in solidifying plans so they don’t fall thru – socializing takes effort!
• make new friends (BUT KEEP THE OLD ONES, ONE IS SILVER AND THE OTHER GOLD – Girl Scouts throwback, y’all.)
• go to even more shows (and I went to A LOT in 2016–I think it may have been a record for me!)
• travel more (literally every trip we took last year involved traveling for a concert or festival, with the exception of Disney, so I want to go places with the sole intent of being a tourist)
• finally redo the third floor so that my out-of-town friends can stay here when they visit! (AND ALSO BANDS CAN CRASH HERE)
• spend time with the THREE NEW GRANDKIDS that Henry is expecting! (I guess it makes me a fauxma?)
• actually start researching what I need to do realize my dream and not work in an office for the rest of my life
• do more kpopx!
• take more pictures with my broken camera and get back into film photography too because I miss that shit
• be more outspoken about social issues because just because 2016 is over, doesn’t mean the nightmare is going to just go away.
• Learn to cook (LOL EW JK)
• continue being ridiculous with Chooch, i.e. driving Henry mad. 

(Some of my favorite shows from last year: Dance Gavin Dance, Anthony Green, any of the four times I saw Citizen/Mat Kerekes, The Cure, Ke$ha, RIOT FEST.)

And the Carly Rae Jepsen show!!

So that’s that. Let’s all stay positive and be better, because flipping a page in a calendar isn’t going to automatically make things better. Write that shit on your hand if you need a reminder.