Now that I have had a few days to rest and reflect upon my time at KCON….I still don’t feel like I can accurately recount it here. It was all such a fantastic, surreal blur.

It was almost perfect. As with most festivals and conventions, there were definitely some kinks and quirks that could be tweaked, but overall my experience was pretty freaking phenomenal.

I guess now would be the time in the blog post where I consider that perhaps not everyone reading this knows what KCON is. WELL LET ME TELL YOU! It’s a huge 2-day convention in Newark, NJ for not just Kpop, but all things Hallyu: food, culture, beauty, travel — if your heart aches for Korea, then this is the convention for you. There’s also a KCON in LA, Paris, Japan, and Mexico. It’s a lifestyle, you guys. I feel like with Kpop, you either: don’t know about it, don’t like it, or FUCKING THRIVE ON IT LIKE IF OXYGEN HAD A BEAT TO IT. I somehow was able to last for more than a year being just a casual listener before it finally sunk its candy vampire teeth into my jugular and turned me into a Koreaboo of the Night.

In addition to the convention, there is also a huge concert inside the Prudential Center both nights, with nine groups performing in total. I’m not going to lie: tickets were expensive. I already gave G-Dragon half of my vital organs & monthly salary for VIP tickets to his upcoming concert, so nosebleed seats at KCON it is!

Before we left the hotel Friday morning, I made sure we each had on a BIGBANG pin: G-Dragon for me (natch), T.O.P. for Chooch, and Taeyang for Henry “I Don’t Wear Jewelry” Robbins. Taeyang was removed immediately after the above photo was captured.

:(

Whatever – Chooch and I were stoked.

Actually, Chooch had no clue what he was getting himself into, but he pretty much will go along with anything.

Since we registered early, there wasn’t much of a rush for us to get there before 10am, but then I got an alert saying that SF9 was appearing on the small convention stage outside in 20 minutes so I rushed them out of the hotel and into the Lyft that conveniently arrived 2 minutes after Henry ordered it. Our Lyft driver got us to the Prudential Center in no time, after trying in vain to make conversation with Tight-Lipped Hank (“What’s going on at the Prudential Center?” “A convention.”). My favorite part was when she rapidly flipped radio stations when the morning radio DJs started talking about large penises. We all started cracking up and Chooch decided she was the best Lyft driver ever and was mad that Henry didn’t try to request her the next day.

The convention technically wasn’t even open yet, but the stage was in a “free zone” where literally any hobo could slither on up and spectate without a wristband. There was some promotional video being filmed with SF9, hence the KCON text alert, so we stood there and watched the awkwardness. The text said they would be dancing, but they only did a quick 10 second thing for the video and Henry was all REALLY WE RUSHED HERE FOR THAT?!

Then we walked around Newark and ate breakfast at some weird Greek place where I had a $4 fruit salad that was actually not too bad except it had a ton of grapes and I’m weird with grapes. Sometimes they make my tongue feel strange, OK?! But the pineapple and watermelon made up for it. I was trying to keep my breakfast light because I wanted to eat so much Korean food all day long. (Spoiler alert: I did not eat Korean food all day long because it was hot as fuck out there and the sun boiled my appetite right off my body.)

We got back to the Prudential Center around 10 and there was a HUGE line to get into the PyeongChang Winter Olympic section of the convention, which was in a separate lot and required wristbands to be scanned in and bags searched. It’s also where all the panels were taking place and there weren’t any I was super interested in, so we checked out the portion of the convention that didn’t require any checking in – the main drag that was loaded with all the good booths, like the Toyota tent where all the dance-offs were happening throughout the day, the InnisFree tent (BEAUTY PRODUCTS FROM JEJU ISLAND, YES PLEASE) and DramaFever which is where Henry and I watch all of our K-Drama (premium subscription up in here).

I decided that this inaugural post will focus on the first cool thing that happened to me at KCON. But let me back this bitch up first. I’m still a big Kpop n00b so I’ve been learning a lot about all the quirks and nuances that go along with being a part of fan groups, etc. Most of this knowledge comes from watching vlogs on YouTube.  Yeah, I know, am I really even 37 years old. Anyway, I watch a ton of these things because Kpop is fascinating, the fans are nuts (mostly in good ways) and the lifestyle is just….well, it’s a lifestyle. So what I learned a while back through my research is that there are these things at kpop concerts and conventions called “hi-touches” where fans literally line up to gently touch hands with a kpop group. And at KCON, there are different levels of tickets you can purchase, the two highest ones come with hi-touch “guarantees.” But for the rest of us plebs, we got actually scratch-offs when we registered to determine if we would get the opportunity to participate in any of these fan engagements. For Chooch and me, we only got the chance to win the chance to be in the audience to watch OTHER people engage in the hi-touch. That’s how I won the opportunity to be in the audience during Up10tion’s fan engagement, but that wouldn’t be until day 2 of the convention.

I was happy for any opportunity, to be honest, because I was a KCON virgin and wanted to do as much as I could!

HOWEVER.

Chooch and I visited the DramaFever booth because we saw they were giving away prizes and taking pictures, and my face hadn’t yet turned into a two day old Thanksgiving glazed ham left out in the beating sun, so I was trying to get these photo ops in the bag as soon as possible.

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I didn’t even hesitate to throw on the red scarf because Goblin is my favorite K-drama!

After having our picture taken, I had to post it on Instagram with whatever the hashtag was and then DramaFever would let you participate in their game, which was like a slot machine game and if you got three matches (of the picture you tagged on IG), then you won whatever prize was listed on the screen. I wasn’t expecting to win because I don’t usually win these types of things, but we did and it was a Fan Engagement! I figured it was probably going to be another audience thing for Up10tion since they were pretty much the  newest, littlest-known group there that weekend, but no!

I GOT A FREAKING HI-TOUCH!

FOR KNK!

OK, so KNK isn’t really huge or anything yet either but I at least knew several of their songs so I was really excited for this experience!

Of course, Chooch was all butt-hurt because he felt like he won just as much as I did but I was the one who got the prize. So the DramaFever people took pity on him and let him choose a consultation prize.

He chose a Goblin fan. <3

I was so excited that I got this Hi-Touch that I even texted Todd a picture of it, because we were talking about it one day at work and he just thought it was the dumbest/crazies concept – like, you don’t even get to say anything to these people, that’s how quickly you’re herded past them like starstruck cattle. Even Todd thought this was exciting though!

About 15 minutes after winning it, I had the thought to maybe check and see when this thing was even happening, because the card had no info on it. I found a schedule for the fan engagements on KCON’s instagram and realized that it was going to happen in 30 minutes. Yikes. I found a long line that wrapped around one side of the Prudential Center, and determined it was the right line after asking several girls if it was the KNK Hi-Touch line. Henry and Chooch were like, “OK great have fun bye” and wandered off to check out more booths, leaving me with all these giddy girls in their late teens/early 20s; most of them had hand-made signs too, some were even written in Hangul. You don’t see this shit at Warped Tour, you guys.

While I was in line, I started to fixate on my hands.

My gross, grimy American grabbers. My moist, sweat-slick paws. My clammy, pig-swelled human hocks that were about to touch super-fine Korean hands that were probably lotioned and powdered with the magical secretions of Seoul and then preserved in silk gloves before it was time to meet the fans. Why didn’t I try to find a trough to wash my meatfists in, or just lop them off altogether….UGH WHAT TO DO!

Then the line started to move and I had no choice but to walk it out.

There were numerous checkpoints where we had to show our Hi-Touch proof to staff members. The worst part was once we got through the doors of the Prudential Center where the real security checkpoint was happening. It was such a K-cluster. First, we had to place our bags down on a table and then move ahead to get security-wanded, which was fine except that people behind me started purposely putting their bags in front of mine and the two girls who were in front of me, so that after they got wanded down, their bags were already checked and good to go!

The other girls just stood there meekly, not speaking up, but I was all, “OH FUCK NO” and pointed this out to the security lady who was half-assedly rummaging through the bags with her plastic stick.

“Aw hell nah,” she sighed, and then yelled over her shoulder to the lady at the other table, “SEE? I done TOLD you this wasn’t going to fucking WORK!” and then she started yelling at the other bitches in line to slow their roll while she finally searched my shiny pink laser gun purse and the purses of the other girls next to me who were practically in tears by this point.

Ugh it was so annoying! Kpop fans are mostly cool but not when it comes time to Hi-Touch a motherfucker. Christ.

Anyway, once this was over with, I walked into a dark gymnasium-type room. There were bleachers on one side, so I guess it was some kind of auxiliary arena within the Prudential Center? Looked like a basketball thing. But what do I know. There was a small stage set up at the end and another checkpoint next to a small barricade, which was meant to separate the audience from the people who won the hi-touch.

Immediately, I did not fit in. At all. Everyone was so young and scream-y and holding up their handmade foam signs and I was just like, “WHO EVEN AM I ANYMORE?” but you guys, it was pretty fucking incredible. Even though I was just “eh” about KNK, it was impossible to not get swept up in the mania of it all. So when a cameraman was panning his camera across the crowd, I screamed my fucking face off along with everyone else.

Also — there were commercials playing on a small screen on the stage and Kwang-soo and Ha Ha from Running Man were in one so my heart got all warm and fluttery like butterflies were fornicating in one of the chambers. It was just really exciting to be around all these things that I love, outside of my house!

And then Daniel Lim came out to get us all stoked, and this was how I learned that KNK’s fans are called Tinkerbells, so that was something.

What I remember most from this fan engagement was SCREAMING.

Just tons and tons of screaming.

No—shrieking. And wailing. And flailing.

Bitches were in stitches over the KNK sighting.

There was a short (and awkward thanks to the language barrier) Q&A session, mostly things like, “How do you like New York?” and “What is your favorite American food?” Dude on the end said Big Macs because that’s the only American food he’s had, and the second guy said “hot dog” and then mimed the eating of a hot dog. It was pretty fucking adorable, I’m not going to lie, and I felt myself falling in love with them with the quickness.

Then they played a quick round of charades which was super cute. The audience chose “Kpop groups” as the category so the guys doing the Charading just basically busted out signature moves from each group’s music videos and we all ate it up, especially when it was a girl group.

After about 30 minutes of talking and charading, it was time for the Hi Touch action and I was actually getting nervous! I have only ever seen these beautiful groups in YouTube videos, and now I was minutes away from seeing five of them in real life and I couldn’t even believe my luck! The line started on the side of the room I was standing on, so I was only about 30 people back from the front of the line. We had to relinquish our hi-touch cards to the security guard letting us through to the side of the stage, so there was no chance of keeping it as a souvenir or hopping back in line for a hi-touch second serving.

From what I’ve seen and read, hi-touches are very strict in that you can’t take selfies or video or really even say more than a succinct “annyeonghaseyo.” But I heard some girl in line with me ask if we were allowed to take video and I swear I heard the staff member say yes. Or at least that’s what it sounded like.

So…I went for it.

And by the time I made it to the second guy at the table, someone swooped in from my left and swatted my phone down.

I was like, “OMG I’M SO SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW” because congratulations, Erin, you just made yourself look like a fucking rude, entitled Caucasian Trump-voting asshole.  I am such a staunch rule-follower too when it comes to these types of things so this pained me real bad and it was all I could do not to dwell on it for the rest of forever.

But regardless of my gaffe, the boys in KNK were so sweet and their smiles were like slivers of moonbeams and their hands were so soft and perfectly room-temperature and they didn’t even seem like the act of rubbing flesh with all these crazy fans was making them swallow their own bile at all. Such patient angels! 

Here I am in line to walk onto the stage. That might be the guy on the left who would later swat my phone away like it was a machete or a Meghan Trainor CD.

https://instagram.com/p/BV8Wb7eBxt2/

What a surreal, bizarre experience. I loved every fucking second of it (except for when I broke the Kpop law) even though it was basically the definition of objectification in motion, a long line of salivating girls (and boys) waiting for their 5 seconds of skinship. 

And while all of this was happening, Chooch was outside at the Asiana Airlines tent, spinning a wheel and winning an Amazon Echo. KCON is a fucking DREAM.

I wanted iced coffee today while I was walking on my lunch break. Crazy Mocha is usually my go-to, and I havent been there since last week when I walked out after I reached my gagging point at the strung-out couple heavily making out in line in front of me. Not to sound like a PRUDE but it was just TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. 

I figured enough time had past for their salacious residue to have evaporated, so I was going to go there when I remembered that Henry told me about some new place he heard about over by the Art Institute called Grateful something or other. I very recently had walked down that street (it’s pretty shady back there but I like to press my luck) but didn’t recall seeing anything other then a Thai restaurant, a head shop-looking store front, and a carjacker. 

I consulted my enemy Yelp to no avail. Maybe the place was so new that it wasn’t even on Yelp yet, meaning my Yelp nemesis probably hadn’t patronized it yet and if that was the case — did this place really even exist?!

Right before I was pulled into a parking garage sex ring, I saw a sign that said Grateful [Something] and realized it was the headshop that I had seen the last time I was on that street. But lo and behold, there was a placard out front that said COFFEE on it. 
The stench of patchouli almost warded me off, but I took one brave step across the threshold and stopped. It was a small store full of tie-dye shirts and things of that nature so suddenly the “Grateful” part of the shop name made sense. I was about to turn around when a man called from the back, “Are you looking for coffee?”

I must have had The Look. 

He motioned for me to come further into the back of the store, past some broad who was hanging hemp bracelets on a rack, I don’t even know, IT WAS ALL A BLUR. 

“So here’s the coffee,” the proprietor said in a sleepy-happy-high slur, pointing me toward a counter. “It’s self-serve. You have your iced coffee here,” he said, pointing to a cooler, “and here’s your hot coffee.” There were five or six bottles of Torani syrups as well, but this was not what I wanted! I wanted someone to make it for me! If I wanted to make my own iced coffee, I’d just go home and add an ice cube to whatever’s left in my French press. Ugh. 

I really wanted to leave but now I felt like I was in too deep because he was asking me where I work and if I’m a lawyer (lol) so I went through the motions of preparing myself a plastic cup of ok-quality room temp coffee and I couldn’t find the ice but didn’t feel like asking because I just wanted it be over. I felt so scrutinized! Like hey guy,  can you turn your back and give me some privacy here? There’s a certain intimacy to sprinkling saccharine into that cup o’ caffeine, you know? lol sike jk. I just didn’t want that dude looking at me. 

I squirted some sugar free vanilla syrup up in that shit while Spicoli kept getting in my face about how great his coffee is and showing me the gigantic printer he has to print out receipts. 

WHERE WAS THE SOY MILK?? I don’t know because I didn’t want to ask. Black it is!

After telling him three times that I didn’t need a receipt from his medieval printer, our transaction was finally complete. 

“Um can I have my credit card back?” I asked as he walked away with it still in his hand. 

“Oh yeah, good call!” he laughed, all Dazed & Confused. 

Ugh. Stress. 

The coffee was fine even though it tasted like I made it. Because I half did. 

On a scale of “Drinking the coffee you lft in th microwave for a day” to “Kind of like going to Telaropa and getting coffee from a vending machine,” I’d rate it a “I let a child fix my coffee at the gas station.”

Will I go back? Fuck yeah. It’s going on the Erin’s Shitty Pittsburgh Tour itinerary. 

This has been Lunch Break Tales. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=Xmg9cpwqIDw

Oh, to be that 가방.

9:24am: Gonna attempt to liveblog the drive home from Newark because the ride here was boring so maybe this will inspire me to spice it up for the sake of the Internet. I’ve been ready to go for an hour but Henry is meticulously packing everything like he’s leaving for the Army. Then he yelled GODDAMMIT and I thought he left his wallet at the Prudential Center or something but turns out he put his phone in his back pocket and accidentally tucked part of his shirt in with it — and that required such a zealous outburst I guess.

I miss KCON.

A LOT.

9:33am: Goodbye, shitty airport Wyndham hotel. It’s amazing the difference in quality between this Wyndham and the one we stayed at Thursday night – that hotel was dreamy. Also, I’m wearing my KCON shirt while taking Chris’s survey about towels.

9:52am: Less than 20 minutes in the car and we’re fighting over where to stop for breakfast. So, everything’s normal over here. Maybe henry should stop asking me to find restaurants because he has a reason to shoot down all of my suggestions, always. I’m retiring as Yelp-Looker-Upper after breakfast. THIS WILL BE MY SWAN SONG. DON’T LET ME DOWN, MR. APPLE PIE DINER.

10:04: We’re here! Everyone hates me but this place has AMBIANCE AND CHARACTER. It kind of smells like pee in here though.

So much brown and orange!

I just sent Chooch to check out the bathroom sitch. He said it’s just normal and not creepy. “White walls, a toilet, garbage can, a sign that says Don’t put paper towels in the toilet, and someone wrote ‘dummy’ at the bottom of it.”

This has been Chooch’s Bathroom Review.

I ordered a veggie omelet. I have never had an omelet with green beans, carrots, corn and peas in it. Literally a whole bag of frozen vegetables. It was….different. Shoulda got the pancakes.

But…those 1970s greasy spoon vibes, y’all.

10:56am: Henry almost wrecked the car because he was so excited to see a Roy Rogers in Whatevertown, NJ.

12:03pm: Just went to Hmart for the first time ever and Henry was a complete jerk and ruined my experience so it will be a loooooong drive home in silence.

The best aisle.

But I bought this G-Dragon thing so stuff it, Henry. (#terriblegirlfriendisterrible)

We also got some doraji and it’s taking everything in me not to tear into it right now. We should have just skipped breakfast and ate at Hmart ugh.

12:40: Henry is upset because of the full service gas station laws in NJ and dejectedly let some kid pump gas on his behalf. Then inside the gas station, henry and I made eye contact and started laughing so I guess we’re all made up now or whatever. Ugh.

1:28pm: Henry’s GPS just said welcome to PA so I guess we’re in PA too bad we live clear on the other side of it and henry is taking the long way to avoid the turnpike.

Some small town in PA, evidently.

Meanwhile Chooch has been hounding henry for his wifi hotspot and we’re like, “Can’t you look out the window and find animals and weeners in the clouds like normal kids from the 80s?!?!” Oh I can’t STAND this generation.

2:02: Ugh we just passed a sign for Scotrun and Henry and I both thought it said Scrotum. I hate when we think alike!!!!!!!!

Smoky BBQ taste, I read that myself nbd.

3:54pm: We are still so far from home and if I hear Chooch whine “daddy” one more time, I might actually put myself up for adoption. WE ARE ALL SO CRANKY. Except henry – he is perfectly prince-y.

4:54pm:

Me: Do you think I’m ugly?

Henry: No.

me: YOU DIDNT EVEN LOOK AT ME!

Henry: I KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!

And now you know what this car ride is like.

5:46pm: waved the white flag in our mission to find eating establishments open on Sunday in this area and had our concession meal at Sheetz. LIVIN’ LARGE. Chooch got spaghetti and complained about it like he forgot he ordered it at a gas station.  I had a veggie wrap which is what I always get from Sheetz but it wasn’t wrapped appropriately therefor changing the whole flavor and experience. Henry thought this was funny because I’ve had really bad luck with food on this trip. We ended up eating at the hotel restaurant Friday night after the show and the veggie wrap I got there was similar to my omelet from this morning: STUFFED WITH A BAG OF FROZEN VEGGIES. Only this mix had zucchini, squash, crinkle-cut carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in it. The kind of freezer section vegetables that make you think you hate vegetables when you’re a kid. NOT APPROPRIATE WRAP VEGGIES. And they were all watery too. I want, like, spinach, tomatoes, onions, olives, green peppers on my wrap. Those are wrap-worthy veggies!!

6:25pm: What You Missed: my daily run-down of all the things I believe to be wrong with me. Once a hypochondriac….

(I used to keep the Merck Medical Journal on my bedside table when I was a teenager. I once thought I had pleurisy, water-on-the-knee, and a quincy at the same time.)

7:23pm: That feeling when Henry has to stop to pee twenty minutes from home. (What is: FURY.)

7:36: YEAH BOY.

Day one of KCON was a smashing success! Of course Henry irritated Chooch and me several times because that’s his role as a Square and it would be weird otherwise, but it was still a great day and we left with a huge haul–most of which was free and/or won, like that Amazon Echo over there that Chooch won by spinning a wheel at the AsianaAir booth (the box is empty because Chooch took it out in the hotel so he could sleep with it, I don’t know).

So so so much to recap but it’s almost midnight and I can’t keep my eyes open. KCON, you exhausting, girl. 

As usual, we got on the road a good hour after we originally planned. And then we realized we forgot things when we got to the end of the street and had to do the obligatory road trip back-track. 

The drive to Newark from Pittsburgh was plain, uneventful. Chooch slept for a lot of it and I dozed off and on a lot too because I think my mania is finally catching up with me and I am so goddamn tired. 

I had one weird Sheetz restroom encounter with an older woman, an ahjumma if you will, who was standing in line in front of me and she said, “You know, I travel A LOT for work and rarely see lines in the Sheetz restrooms” which is weird because I was thinking the same thing! Only, I didn’t feel it was necessary to initiate small talk over it. 

Then she let a woman with her small (BAREFOOT) son go ahead of her and turned to me and said, “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that–as I get older, the more I leak!” And then she started throwing her body around, like her laughter was a poltergeist pummeling her in the gut, and hit her head off the hand dryer. 

IT WAS SO WEIRD. 

And then I realized I didn’t even really have to pee but I had already stood in line for 5 minutes and was locked in. 

We ate lunch in Danville, PA at a Friendly’s we ate at once with the Handa’s after an event at Knoebel’s Amusement Park. I didn’t want to eat lunch at all because it was encroaching on our ETA – I needed to get to the Prudential Center before 5pm so we could pre-register for KCON. I watched a lot of YouTubers bitch about past KCONs and the discord that went along with the registering process and if there is one thing I don’t need right now it’s MORE STRESS. 

But we needed to eat, so we stopped at Friendly’s and I got all Token Nutritionist at our table because the menu had the calorie count of every single item and I was like WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT?!?! Turns out the grilled cheese and tomato sauce was actually the best option which worked out perfectly considering I’m a vegetarian and calorie-count aside, my options were slim, people. 

I also spent a lot of time bitching about how I didn’t like the looks of those Friendly’s guys on the wall (see above photo) and went as far as labeling them as SHARKS which is weird because there was some seasonal drink on the menu that had gummy sharks in it. Fuck you and your unnecessary calories, Friendly’s. 

Meanwhile, Chooch and I played some trivia on the game thingie that every table comes with. Henry was all, “THAT COSTS MONEY” and we were all, “NO IT DOESNT, TIGHTWAD.” 

And then when we got our bill, Henry was like, “LOOK AT THIS LAST ITEM” and it was a whole whopping $1.99 for those priceless 5 minutes that chooch and I were harmoniously working together to win at trivia. 

Get over it, Henry! 

We made it to Newark around 4:15 and got our wristbands and scratch offs to see if we were able to get any fan engagements. (The higher-tiered tickets came with a guarantee for one high-touch experience with one of the idol groups, and one guarentee to be in the audience for a fan engagement with one of the groups. The rest of us peions just got a “chance” for a fan engagement.)

Henry was like, “WHY DONT I GET TO SCRATCH ONE?!” as Chooch and I furiously scratched away at the four tickets we scored. They all said “sorry” — except for one of mine!! 

Up10tion is one of the only groups there this weekend that I know pretty much nothing about BUT I WILL TAKE IT. Their fan engagement is Saturday at 11 and I’m excited to witness the awkwardness of it all!

Chooch and I immediately put our wristbands on even though they’re not needed until tomorrow but Henry was too cool for that. Of course Chooch put his on too tight and has been complaining about it ever since. 

Early registrants!

We got to see a bunch of the booths being set up and I got this giant surge of giddiness. I am going to do ALL THE KOREAN THINGS this weekend. 

On the way to the hotel, Chooch’s neighbor friend Markie called him to see if he could come out and play. Chooch kept telling him he was in NJ and it just wasn’t clicking. When Chooch needs to be firm with him, he calls him Mark. 

“Mark, listen to me. We’re not playing today. We’re not playing tomorrow. Or Saturday either. BECAUSE IM IN NJ! I keep telling you that!” He was so mad and frustrated!

The he hung up and said “he’ll be knocking on our door in an hour.”

Chooch also talked to two of his other friends after that – he’s like a teenage girl in the 90s. Just sits in the backseat with his leg crossed, talking on the phone and looking out the window. 

My favorite was when he was explaining to one of them why he was in NJ: “I don’t know, some convention for my mom” he mumbled. 

We checked into our hotel around 5:30 and Chooch and I went swimming while Henry supervised and by that I mean he sat on a lawn chair and looked at his phone/nodded off. 

Henry splurged and got us a hotel that didn’t have cigarette burns in the shower curtains and questionable stains on the sheets. Chooch and I were acting out our own episode of Rags to Riches and Henry was like, “That’s enough.”

Then we went to Killer Vegan for dinner! I had the Gunslinger – a homemade veggie burger with BBQ seitan on top. It was good but not $11.50 worth of good. And my side of Brussels sprouts was just OK. 

Chooch had a pizza burger with vegan mozzarella and Henry had vegan gumbo. 

Now you know what we ate for dinner because that’s the kind of blogger I am. ALL MINUTIA ALL THE TIME. 

MY BURGER ALSO HAD ONIONS!

(On the real tho: Chooch got fries and they were the mystical kinds that I have gone through life talking about but rarely eating. They were The Good Kinds. The kinds that are perfectly crisp without being dry or hard, and they just melt into a beautiful pile of greasy potato ash on your tongue. God help me.)

All in all, it was an adequate dinner and it felt good to eat healthy, but I was hoping for actual entrees and a better ambiance. 

Came home and pissed around in the fitness center for some amount of time and then Chooch and I “explored” the hotel (some Wyndham business hotel) because they was always my favorite thing to do as a kid and it’s even better when you have a partner. We ran up and down so many stairwells and did the whole “look at the ceiling and whistle” every time we passed some asshole in a suit. My favorite part was when we turned a corner on the third floor and saw some tall man slowly vacuuming the floor with his back toward us. 

“What if he’s dead?” Chooch tersely whispered. 

“OMG I hope he is!” I whispered back. 

He wasn’t. :(

Then we walked around outside in the dark and eventually came back to our fourth floor room, banged on the door, and got yelled at by Henry because “people are trying to sleep.”

Lol ok. 

Tomorrow morning, we leave for KCON. I think all three of us need this long weekend to get away from all the bullshit and remember how to be a family. 

Even if it is in Newark. 

It’s not fine. But it will be. 

There was one majorly super awesome thing that happened last Tuesday, you guys. Baby Calvin was born! It seemed like Haley was pregnant forever, but now he’s here and the three of them have become the perfect little family. I’M LITERALLY CRYING AS I TYPE THIS because I have known Blake since he was eight and it’s been a crazy and awesome journey watching from the sidelines as be grew from a little human Bart Simpson to this sweet, excited dad. 

BLAKE IS A DAD!

AND ROBBIE IS A DAD!

So many dads and babies!

It seems like just yesterday when Blake & I were getting sick together on carnival rides,  making STD cookies with Janna, and going to Warped Tour….

Where did the time go?! 

Haley is already assuming the role of super cool mom and her happiness is contagious! It almost makes me wish Chooch was still a baby…

They brought Calvin over yesterday for a visit and seeing Henry holding his grandson made me forget all the bullshit because this is what life and family is about. THIS. 

Three grandsons for Henry! This is totally his year. I’m so happy for everyone! Congratulations, Blake & Haley! Calvin is so lucky to have you as parents!

(Also, Chooch completely missed out on the visit because he was too busy hanging out at his second family’s house, a/k/a Wesley with the two trampolines, a poodle, and a mom who cooks.)

Everything sucks. But this custard / Fruity Pebbles combo was nice. 

In related news, I deactivated my Facebook account because after 16 years, some people still can’t seem to stay the fuck out of my non-marriage. I have to say, being Facebook-free has been pretty wonderful and I don’t regret it, even though it took being told that I’m a terrible mom and even worse girlfriend to get there. 

They’re probably looking at a list of all the ways I’m super shitty. 

There was an episode of some talk show I watched once in the 90s—Maury or Donahue or Sally Jesse, who cares—about people who survived gunshots to the head.

What always stuck with me was that every person on the panel said the same thing: it didn’t hurt.

One person said they only felt “an icy sensation.”

That’s how my head has felt all week but without the bullethole.

Anyway, due to my invisible head trauma, please look at some pictures of Pittsburgh that I’ve been collecting during the last several lunch break walks. I’m on the tourism board, you know.

These were some street art installations that sprung up during the annual Three Rivers arts festival. I actually was walking by the day the artist was making one of them. He had paint on one side of his face that looked like tire tracks. I’m pretty sure it was intentional and I would have much rather hung out with him than go back to work, wah.

Hey guys, this was the general area where that lady got hit by a car and I cried and was so worried about her all day—me, caring about another human!

I remember the day I took this picture in the Strip District because it was a deliciously uneventful walk. Sometimes a stroll without attracting weirdos or witnessing domestic disputes is a welcome reprieve!

That time I was standing in line at Crazy Mocha and Journey’s “Who’s Crying Now?” came on the radio and all five people in line started mindlessly humming along.

Here’s a picture from some church on the Northside, which I walked to accidentally and then almost didn’t make it back to work in time and I panicked even though no one else is a clock-watcher but me.

Random view down some street. It rained later that day, and then Pittsburgh was lit with the pungent bouquet of wet hobo piss on a hot summer’s day. Ugh, that stench.

I walk past this storefont nearly every day and somehow never noticed how pretty it is until today. Also today, I got caught in a storm without a umbrella so I ran inside the Westin and thought I was out-smarting mother nature by going into the gift shop to buy an umbrella, BUT THEY WERE ALL OUT?! I literally just made fun of Todd the other day, too, for his horrid luck at getting stuck in downpours on his lunch break, so I guess I was due for my own afternoon shower.

Luckily it didn’t last long and I was under shelter the whole time, so there.

Hey, speaking of head shots, this song was banned by some of the Korean TV stations for having graphic lyrics about violence. I get to see them next week at KCON and I hope they perform it!

I’m hoping KCON breaks the sad spell that’s been cast on me. The other night, Henry was so desperate to cheer me up, that he willingly suggested that we watch G-Dragon videos and then Chooch offered to watch Running Man with me and he HATES that show because it’s subtitled. I said no to all of those things, but turns out Soju shots was also an option and that felt great until it didn’t.

Currently enduring some of the worst parts of mania. Who cares though. Here’s some happy things cuz fake it till u make it amirite lol. 

1. I got to see my buddy Nina and her kids a few weeks ago when she was visiting from Virginia! Wendy and I had lunch with her and some of her other friends and it was really great. Always great to see her pretty face. I miss working with her! She used to take care of me, like the time I broke the Keurig and she fixed it for me before I cut myself or broke a sweat or whatever. 

2. Lori made me a G-Dragon Countdown calendar and even did it all in Hangul which makes me so happy because I can read it, mostly! I’m actually learning a different number system though, so now I’ll know both sino-Korean numbers along with native thanks to this! I love that there are people who encourage my obsessive behavior :) 

3. testing out the filters on the Snow app on Glenn & Todd at work yesterday. I love this app!

​https://instagram.com/p/BVTBXdRAU6n/

4. It’s summer, almost?

5. It’s storming and maybe I can possibly get struck by lightning?

Well, I guess that’s it at the moment. Everything else sucks.  I’ll try harder next time. 

We went to visit Robbie & Nikki on Sunday to see the babies. Robbie made bomb veggie burgers that weee gigantic and Eli & Levi kept staring at me. It’s because they can smell fear!

Meanwhile,  Chooch decided he’s old enough to graduate fifth grade so that happened on Monday. I DIDNT CRY ON MY WAY TO WORK OR ANYTHING. His buddy Dimajio is going to a different school next year so it was their last morning hangout, which was doubly sad. :(

Henry’s a grandfather (with a third grandson arriving this week courtesy of Haley & Blake!) and we have a kid going into middle school. Time can kindly slow the fuck down now.

 It feels like yesterday when Blake & Robbie were teaching me how to play Neopets and having my kid was the furthest thing from my mind. 

WOOOOOO PENGUINS! SUCK IT, TRASHVILLE! Go choke on your booing and terrible fucking National Anthem singers. You’re the worst. 

I love how hated my team is. Everyone else gets so up-in-arms when they win the Stanley Cup! It makes it even more fun for the rest of us! 

Wow it’s really hard to believe that all those disparaging Crosby & Murray chants didn’t impede on their ability to win the Stanley Cup. And I bet Crosby’s feelings were really hurt when everyone was screaming that he sucks as he skated around joyously with the Conn Smythe and the Stanley Cup. 

BEST.TEAM.EVER. Penguins 영원히!

I started off the day learning the hard way that you musn’t spray canola oil on a hot pan. If I hadn’t already lost most of my eyebrows during the Great Overplucking of the 90s, today would have been their funeral fo sho. 

I was running around screaming about the injustice of it all, like who is supposed to know that would happen?? when Henry calmly said, “Well, everyone. It says it on the directions.”

“The PAN has directions?!” I cried. 

“No! The can of cooking spray!”

“Srsly? Why does a can of cooking spray need directions? Like, who would read that?” I said indignantly. 

“People like YOU are the reason those directions are there,” Henry sighed. 

(I know you guys: how does Henry “tolerate” me? He must be a “Saint.” “Job is going to shake his hand when he gets to Heaven.” Because our relationship is something he “tolerates” or “puts up with.”)

Honestly though, that flame went up SO HIGH. This is what happens when Henry takes too long waking up and I take breakfast matters into my own hands. :/

It’s all his fault. Just like it was his fault for failing to buy me a bag of coffee for work, creating a MAJOR CRISIS last Friday which culminated in Catherine and I colluding in a dangerous k-cup robbery from Lori’s office which I tried to reason was ok because one time she told me I was welcome to the candy she keeps in the one drawer and her k-cups were one drawer beneath that one, so…And then Catherine was so fraught with guilt that she left a dollar on Lori’s desk. The much anticipated conclusion to this is that Lori returned to work on Wednesday amd Catherine FLEW into her office before Lori even set her purse down, blurting out her confession and waiting to receive penance. There was a tense moment when we weren’t sure if Lori was going to throw a stapler and yelled, “Cash me ousside!” but turns out she had used up all her fucks on games 3 and 4 of the Stanley Cup finals and had little left in the tank to use on a stolen k-cup. She even gave Catherine her dollar back (had I known, I would have stolen that too!) Then when Todd got to work later that day, he said, “Oh yeah, I’m telling Lori you stole from her” and I was like OMG SHE ALREADY KNOWS! EVERYONE KNOWS! I’M A DIRTY THIEF!

I mean…

Ahem. 

SUBJECT CHANGE. 

Here are some pictures from this day, Saturday, June 10, 2017. 

We moved Chooch’s keyboard out of his bedroom and onto the backporch. Well, let me rephrase that: Henry and I kept saying that’s what we were going to but Chooch is the one who finally did it on his own accord because he was tired of waiting for his parents to finish watching Running Man and take care of him. 

Last night, I walked past him and saw that he had found the music for BigBang’s “Haru Haru” and decided to try and learn it! The coolest part is that he realized one of the notes was off and FIXED IT. He’s really good at playing by ear, which is something he definitely didn’t get from either one of us. 

He played it for Henry and made him guess what it was. Henry knew it was Bigbang right away but not what song because Henry never knows song names except for Ted Nugent ones. 

Early afternoon, we went to Kohl’s so I could buy new jeans and for the first time in years I didn’t have an emotional breakdown in the fitting room, 고맙습니다, Korea!!!!

Anyway, the whole point of mentioning Kohl’s is that there were these two middle-aged women loudly airing their dirty laundry RIGHT NEXT TO THE LAUREN CONRAD SECTION so I had to stand practically butted up against them, enduring their not-even-interesting drama. They were there every time I came back around and at one point I said loudly to Henry that they should take their lame bitch fest out to the parking lot instead of polluting our ears with it, because that’s how I handle conflict with strangers: passive aggressively, with loud immaturity. 

It was honestly the only time I was mad all day though so that’s pretty huge. I’m usually mad MANY times. 

I imprinted on this red leaf banana thing at some nursery we went to today. 

“Who imprints on a banana leaf plant?!” Henry cried. 

Um, me — I literally just said that?!

Henry wouldn’t buy it because it was $80 and that’s like a lot for a plant I guess? I literally do not know the value of a dollar. 

Chooch chose a plant for himself and mused, “I’ll name him A-ha, because I want to take him on.” OK, 80s kid?

Pet cemetery visit:( Chooch and I got really emotional and Henry didn’t know what to do so he just walked away because he doesn’t love animals. 

Obligatory ice cream from Yough Twist down the street from the pet cem. “Ugh I forgot this place has the inferior sprinkles!” I cried with my head back, dramatic damsel I am. 

“What’s wrong with them?” Henry and Chooch asked in tandem. 

“Well in addition to not being properly rainbow, they have a chalky taste,” I snapped because duh, just look at them. 

Beneath the inadequate sprinkled shell sat a perfect black raspberry & vanilla twist though, so once I hate-ate the sprinkles, I was good to go. 

Henry and Chooch also had ice cream, blah blah blah. 

Drew is like, “No really, you can trust me. I’m just gonna sit on them and help them grow.” 🙄

But seriously, these little propagations are coming along swimmingly in spite of PENELOPE digging them up once a week. 

Henry made me a snack plate with pineapple, kimchi, and pickled daikon – it was so refreshing. So refreshing that I went back for more pineapple which I then left out on the kitchen counter.  

“You left the pineapple out,” Henry said when he was visiting the kitchen later on. He sighed and put it away. 

Which is the exact outcome I expected, so why bother putting it away myself?

*******

In other news, G-Dragon’s new music is the most wonderful thing I’ve heard in so long and it made it to #1 on iTunes in 39 countries including the US which is crazy to me because most Americans I know are incredibly narrow-minded & ignorant when it comes to anything that’s not in English. Omg so weird and inferior. 

I still can’t believe I’m going to see him next month! I was thinking about it on the trolley yesterday, trying to imagine how I will react when I first see him, and I started to cry openly in front of people which sadly isn’t the first time that’s happened on the trolley. Dat bi-polar life, y’all.

******

It’s 8’oclock now and Chooch has stains all over my treasured Howard Jones shirt. Should I cry, laugh, or burn down the kitchen for real this time? I JUST DONT KNOW. GOODBYE. 

Well, it finally happened. Lisa made good on her threat to leave me and took her whole family to Idaho on Wednesday.

FOREVER.

UGH!!

She had a going away thing on Saturday at Rock Bottom. The whole time I was like DONT CRY. DONT YOU DARE CRY, ERIN. But then she hugged me as Henry and I were on our way out and my eyes started sweating, probably an allergic reaction to the strange beer concoction I let the bartender sell me, and not at all because EVERYONE LEAAAAAAVEEEESSSSS MEEEEEE.

I think the last thing I said to her was “I hate you.”

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So I decided that instead of dwelling on the Great Betrayal, I would make this a happy hop down memory lane, or whatever.

Lisa and I have technically known each other since 6th grade (199-You shut your damn mouth) but only had one middle school interaction (during the 8th grade Halloween dance when she threatened to kick my ass after I had a fight with my ex-bff who she also happened to be friends with) before becoming legit besties in high school.

She’s also the only person who has been able to break through my anti-hug barrier, as seen in the picture above. It took a lot of violence to get to where we are now, hugging freely and without force.

I just had a random memory of the time I had a Pampered Chef party (HENRY MADE ME DO IT) and when the Pampered Chef lady asked everyone how they knew me, Lisa said we met when we were working the same corner.  I think she and I were the only people who laughed at that.

Anyway, the above picture is from the first night in my first apartment in 1998 when we were all 18-year-old babies! AKA THE GOOD OL’ TIMES.

Lisa and I have a very strange love for the classic rock band .38 Special. Don’t ask. (No seriously, please ask me so that I can direct you to this wonderful essay of Lisa and my strange love for the classic rock band .38 Special!)

The above photo is from the one time we went to see them in 1997 at the Rostraver Ice Garden. I look like I have no hair, but I had recently undergone a very terrible hair shearing at the hands of some Borics follicle assassin. (I had a stylist at a real salon, but Lisa and I were at Borics with her friend Kim who was just getting a trim so wasn’t worried of the outcome, and I was strong-armed into getting my hair cut too but BORICS CAN’T DO LAYERS, YALL. So I wore a silk scarf* around my head for the first two weeks and then spent an additional month pulling what remained of my hair back in a crappy ponytail.)

*(Not to be confused with the time I got braces in fifth grade and wrapped a silk scarf around my face like the Invisible Man for a whole week.

Back then, Lisa was my ultimate haunted house partner. Sometimes we would hit up 3 different ones in a night! This is us at Castle Blood, and note that my hair still had not grown back.

We hung out at Denny’s so much that our favorite waitress Maryanne carried our senior pictures in her wallet. She was the best. (The Denny’s in the valley was always preferred over the one on the hill.) Anyway, this was taken the night of Evan’s art show at CMU, which was one of the best nights I had that year, but don’t let Lisa’s bored face tell you otherwise.

I think this was from 1996. The same year our crew tricked Lisa into going to see ICP and she slipped on the Faygo-coated steps of Club Laga. OH MEM’RIES!

Lisa moved to Colorado for a while after undergrad, but we always hung out when she was home for a visit. Here we are one summer in 2007 when I still had most of my pregnancy weight a full year later, go me!

Lisa with a teething, slobbery Chooch.

And then I was tired of looking through old photos because I have no attention span and nostalgia makes me sad AF.

Anyway, all sadness and self-pity aside, I’m excited for Lisa and her family and hope that their new adventure is everything they want it to be, even though it means that Pittsburgh loses. WOE IS ME!

****

Full disclosure: I didn’t know where Idaho was until Thursday night. I was texting with Lisa and asked her how far they made it so far on the drive to their new home. She said Minnesota and I thought, “Wtf—why did they drive past Idaho?”

So I felt inspired to look at a map, a good old-fashioned (Google) map. WOW, I had no idea Idaho was all the way over there! I thought it was in the middle.

Well, at least now Henry has a reason to take me on that cross-country roadtrip I’ve been dying to do thanks to my handy Roadside America app!