A new Twice video can make any Monday feel like a holiday! I asked Henry what he thinks of it and he shrugged and sighed. 

This in addition to all the Mueller excitement has me so ready for today! 

It has rained pretty much all weekend with no reprieve. And it’s really cold on top of that too.

I’m not complaining though because it kind of forced me to relax (a little). And I guess I hadn’t realized how badly I needed to just sit the fuck down.

We still did some stuff though, such as attend a Halloween parade with our friends Patty and Tim in their neighborhood. Did I mention that after over a year, Patty is finally home from the nursing facility? Exciting times! It was great to be able to hang out with her outside of that place, though it was also kind of sad not getting to see all the familiar faces in the activity room.

Patty’s friends Kaitlin and Steve joined us. We weren’t sure if the parade was still going to happen since it was raining, but Munhall goes hard, y’all. They don’t let a little rain deter them. It was really cold and dreary out there, but it was worth it to see Patty enjoying herself, and to see all the kids in their costumes. Chooch wasn’t in costume (he’s in 6th grade now and not as motivated to dress up), but when we saw that people were hanging out treat bags to everyone in the parade, regardless of costume, we all coaxed Chooch to jump into the parade so he could get a bag. He did it begrudgingly, and when he was handed a bag, he shot us a glare that said, “The things I do for you people.”

Then he befriended some older woman, and they joined forces to get the most candy from the firefighters. They were even trading with each other at one point. This kid will talk to anyone and it’s all once charming and alarming.

There were a bunch of young kids standing near us and their parents wouldn’t let them run into the street to collect the strewn candy, but savage son gave no fucks about getting close to firetruck wheels, so he would go out and collect it all and then pass it out to the kids on the sidewalk. He was a hero, you guys, a real Halloween hero.

Trump would never do that.

CHOOCH FOR PRESIDENT.

Then Chooch and I stood in this outrageous line snaking out of the firehouse because there was free pizza and cake to be had and I wanted free cake in a bad way. We got stuck behind this huge family of dunces who were not as IN A HURRY as I was and would just stand there in a daze every time the line would move. I was getting so angry! But then I reminded myself that I was line for FREE FOOD and I shouldn’t complain but still—WAKE THE FUCK UP AND MOVE, DUMMIES! Oh my Lord, they were awful. At one point I said to Chooch, “What is the protocol here for line-jumping when the people in front of you clearly don’t give a shit about being in line?” and he was just like, “Chill out, we’re almost there” because my 11-year-old is more rational than me.

The cake wasn’t worth it. I gave it to Henry, who was so angry that we ran off to get free food and left the rest of them standing in the rain. SORRY BUT PATTY SAID IT WAS OK!?

Then I found out after the fact that the pizza was from Italian Village and I wish I had known that because I like Italian Village a lot and would have chosen that over cake, ugh. #freefoodremorse

After the parade, we said goodbye to Patty and Tim because we had big plans of going to the craft store and then spending the rest of the night binge-watching the new season of Stranger Things. I’m not a big binge-watcher of things (unless it’s Korean You Tube vlogs, lol) but the cold, dreary weather was really inspiring.

First though we had to wait for Chooch to finish the first season, after which he cried, “Why did I ever stop watching this with you last year?!” Because you have no attention span? I don’t know. And then we had to go eat dinner first too. We went to Frank & Shirley’s because it’s close and fast, and I wanted a grilled cheese.

Chooch brought his colored pencils with him because he wanted to draw on the placemats but there were no placemats, so he actually asked the waitress for a placemat, and she was like, “We don’t have any…?” He was visibly distraught over this and when she realized why he was asking, she said, “Do you want a coloring book instead?”

She barely finished her sentence before he was practically panting like a dog, and saying yes. She brought over a whole stack for him to choose from and he immediately grabbed, and I do mean snatched, the first one he saw because it had bunnies on the cover.

He’s very sensitive to animals, you guys.

“Are you sure you don’t want to look at the others?” she asked, fanning them out.

“Nope,” he said, but then out of the corner of his eye, he saw something that made him say, “WAIT!” She fanned out the coloring books again and he grabbed, and I do mean snatched, a Disney one of the stack. He flipped it open right to the page with the Bambi spread, squealed, and then ripped open his box of colored pencils.

His Bambi obsession is so weird, but also completely adorable. Please don’t grow up, Chooch.

Henry hated our waitress because she never refilled his iced tea, but I think she will forever go down as Chooch’s favorite.

On the way home, we were making fun of Henry as usual to the point where Chooch started puking out the back window because I made him laugh too hard. I love when that happens!

When we came home, Chooch and I were so ready to start watching Stranger Things but Henry was all, “I have to go to the store” and we were like, “Are you fucking kidding” because dude is like always going to “the store” and Henry got all defensive and cried, “I haven’t been to the store in four days!” Chooch and I kept repeating “Four days!!!” over and over until Henry stormed out while muttering under his breath about how we’re fucking assholes or something, wow, how rude.

Chooch and I went for a walk in the rain to kill time while he was AT THE STORE and somehow we started talking about what if Henry was a prostitute or a stripper at Blush and I can’t explain it, other than to say maybe you had to be there, but we were laughing so fucking hard that our hyena-cackles were doing somersaults down Pioneer Avenue, making dogs bark and passers-by do double-takes. We’re kind of loud, I guess.

When we got home, Chooch exclaimed, “Eight o’clock! Made it just in time.”

“For what?”  I asked.

“…eight o’clock,” he said with a shrug, like duh, why didn’t I know that.

Henry came home and we finally watched the first several episodes of Stranger Things. It was the perfect October Saturday night.

Today, I was home alone while Henry and Chooch were at piano lessons, so I decided to try and paint something. It’s been about a year since I painted anything, and I have been turning down custom requests because I just haven’t been feeling it. It’s not depression, because I don’t feel unhappy or tired, but kind of the opposite. I have all of this manic energy and I just can’t sit still long enough to seriously focus on painting.

But I just recently finished a creative project for work and I had some leftover inspiration. (Not to mention a ton of leftover canvas!) So I made myself sit down at my desk for a bit and gave it a go.

It was a struggle. I felt rusty, had no confidence, and even felt a little scared to make mistakes. It was sad. But I was determined to finish a painting for once instead of adding to the collection in the canvas graveyard. So I chose my favorite picture of G-Dragon and went for it.

I only spent about an hour on it because I just wanted to finish and not obsess over every minor detail (Henry and Chooch are probably laughing at this without mirth because I was so dramatic this afternoon about how bad I suck). But G-Dragon is the most perfect human being in the world and I didn’t want to desecrate his image in any way.

I’m sorry, Jiyong. :(

But then Henry made me kimbap and I was happy again, even though at first I screamed, “THERE’S NO DAIKON IN THIS!” and then Henry realized he gave me Chooch’s bland version instead of the good roll.

And now we’re just waiting for The Walking Dead to come on. Life is pretty OK, you guys, rain and all.

Last Friday, we drove up to the Detroit-ish area so I could go to the PVRIS show (more on that separately). The best part about this though wasn’t the show, but the chance to see our pals Bill and Jessi! They graciously invited us to crash in their guest room and this made Henry hate me a little less for dragging him out of state again for another band. #tightwad

The show was in Royal Oak, about 45 minutes from their house, so it was nearly midnight by the time we got there that night and I felt awful about that, but we still ended up staying up until 2:30am, playing Camel Up, talking about Kpop (my obsession duh) and Rocky Horror Picture Show (Jessi’s obsession – she’s a part of the local Michigan cast!). And Chooch sang the may pole song from The Wicker Man for everyone and I was SO PROUD.

That’s my son, ladies and gents.

The next morning, we took Chooch’s new girlfriend Mabel for a walk! Bill & Jessi rescued Mabel from a breeder and she has since imprinted on Chooch. It was kind of the most adorable thing I’ve even seen and I watch A LOT of kpop videos. (Chooch just read this line and shook his head.)

Then Bill indulged me and put on kpop. I was so excited because Jessi walked into the kitchen and said, “What is this? I like it.” IT WAS BTS “GO GO”!!!!! They didn’t make fun of it at all and asked me questions about it like they were genuinely interested and I was so happy. It was like a No Snark Zone!

We had brunch at a new place nearby that Jessi had been wanting to try, called Anna’s. GOOD CALL, JESSI. We had to wait for about 15-20 minutes but it was well worth it. That menu was extensive, even for a difficult meat-boycotter such as myself. Usually I’m like, “OK I guess I will get the one thing available to me on this menu” or I have to be an annoying hipster and ask for substitutions, etc. But this time, I was actually struggling to decide because I had so many options!

I ended up getting the Hippie Hash (forget what I said up there because I was soooo close to being That Douche who orders the Kimchi Bowl and asks for them to hold the meat, but there were two different kinds of meats in it so I didn’t want to get involved in that convo). Fuck, you guys, this shit was so filling! And totally not as healthy as it sounded when it was just in words on a menu and not in a bowl in front of me. I was so stuffed that it ended up being the only meal I ate all day.

Worth it.

The decor in this bitch somehow made the food taste even better. I never knew how badly my walls needed toasters hung on them! Henry gave me the “don’t get any ideas” glare.

And the bathroom had vintage cake carriers on the wall! Anna’s was so dreamy, and our waitress was super efficient.

Obviously the best part was that we were with Bill and Jessi, though!

We went back to their house and spent the rest of the afternoon playing video games, watching Mabel make Chooch her bitch, and getting Bill to call his friends and tell them how he recently discovered that he really loves arm pits.

Chooch and Bill went outside to play basketball for a little bit before we left and at one point, Bill accidentally hit Chooch in the face. Jessi, Henry, and I were watching from the kitchen and we all started cracking up. “Well, there it is! It wouldn’t be right if a visit went by without Bill accidentally hurting Chooch!” It’s tradition, you guys.

We had to leave around 3 because we didn’t want to be getting home at a god awful hour which is usually what happens on road trips but it was so hard saying goodbye. These guys are like family to us and we always try to get the most of each visit, even these quick ones.

I just asked Chooch if he wanted to say anything and he said, “No, it’ll make me sad.”

:(

Our drive home was so boring and uneventful. Chooch watched Mean Girls on Henry’s phone and is now some kind of dumb expert because he’s been taking online quizzes and I’m like NO ONE CARES. So far one Wednesday has passed and he didn’t wear pink so I guess he’s not THAT into it.

Copping out with a repost because I’m all bogged down over here with other projects when all I want to do is sit down and pound out some nonsensical bullshit on here, you know? Especially since this dumb blog turned TEN YEARS OLD this week! Maybe we’ll celebrate once October is over. This is my busiest month, you know.
***

(Originally written November 10, 2015)

Pascal wouldn’t give Pancho money for ice cream. Mother gave him five whole dollars and said to make sure his brother got an ice cream, but Pascal spent it all on a candle for his dumb girlfriend who stunk like PSLs and was real frangible, Pascal said. She spent hours carving her face and Pancho thought she looked hideous. Pancho hated her. Peg. What a dumb name.

Pancho really wanted a motherfucking ice cream, and what made Pascal the fugleman of frosty funds? Pancho hated Pascal even more than he hated Peg and her silicon chest-gourds.

Everyone knew they were fake!

“And stop carrying that ax around everywhere. No one is scared!” Pascal sneered at Pancho. “Everyone knows it’s fake!” Just like Peg’s pepos, Pancho thought quietly to himself. “Mother bought it at the Halloween store for $8!”

Pascal was wrong though. Unlike Peg’s synthetic jugs, his ax was real.

He swapped it out with Farmer Picklepecker’s real like battle ax last week after Pascal made fun of him for carrying around a baby’s weapon. What are you gonna kill with that thing? Stink bugs? The pimples on your back? Pascal yelled across the playground one day, when Pancho was talking to his crush, Pepper.

Pepper laughed so hard, it was all Pancho could hear in his head, like sheets of metal shaking against his ears. She laughed and laughed and laughed until she was nothing more but a bad memory stuffed inside a dumpster with rotted meat and cat shit.

Pancho grudgingly followed Pascal home along the river.

It was getting late and Mother would be expecting them to set the mannequins up near the window; ever since Pa ran off with the Bulgarian gymnast coach, Mother liked the neighbors to think that the house was full of friends and livelihood, as if she wasn’t eating her weight in beer nuts and watching DVRd recordings of Family Feud, and not even the good ones with Richard Dawson, but that shitty Steve Harvey garbage.

Hearing the river whooshing below them, Pancho considered pushing Pascal into it, but Pascal caught on quickly; his rounded eye-cuts made for exceptional peripheral peering and his reflexes were on point.

“I’ll rip your stem off!” Pascal laughed.

“You’re such a dumb baby. Dear Diary, my brother wouldn’t buy me ice cream today. I am a big cry baby. I am going to stick my pacifier in my mouth now.” Pascal laughed at his own stupid joke and Pancho started to cry.

“I’m going to tell Mother on you!” Pancho whimpered.

“Oh no, please don’t tell MOTHER on me,” Pascal begged, dragging down his voice with theatrical whines.

Pascal’s mocking tone took Pancho back to a time when Mother bought him a new doll for Christmas, the kind with human heads and long flaxen hair.

The kind that Pancho would tattoo with Mother’s simmering cigarette butts.

The kind that Pancho would decapitate with Mother’s pinking shears.

And then Pancho drifted off into a sanguinary gapeseed as Pascal’s needling taunts and baby-talked derision faded away until it blended with the birds above and the blood crashing against the inside of his head.

And then—-

Static.

[Alternately titled: Bored during my lunch break when it’s raining and there’s nowhere else to go but sit at my idiotic desk.]

So since Shadows was a disappointment you shouldn’t expect much from me. So to start off, I had to go to the bathroom and there were no porta-potties to go in so I had to go to some weird bathroom with toilets that didn’t have water and it just dropped underground. Then I turned the “water” on and there was nothing and there was no SOAP, so I didn’t wash my hands at all but oh well.  The trail was uneventful because there was a HUGE group in front of us, and by huge I mean 6 people, maybe 5, but they were taking their good ol’ time and talked to EVERY. SINGLE. ACTOR. So by the time we would catch up to them, we would have to stop and wait till we can’t hear them anymore. Which is a long time, because THEY NEVER SHUT UP! Then we would get up to the spooky parts and the people wouldn’t be ready and yet mum was still fidgety. Furthermore, since we were going “too fast”, which is normal speed, and we were catching up to them, one of the actors was walking with us because we were catching up to them so he was strolling down the trail with us. That was the most that happened, OH, then a chainsaw guy chased us through a field at the end. Which happens every year, and since I knew it happened in a field, I saw a field and pushed mum back and fled the scene.

Cheeseman’s Fright Farm was, in my opinion, better this year than last year. You will find out why in the end. So we went with Blake, Haley, Janna, mum, and ME (the best) and we so spooked. During the hayride which was pretty uneventful besides the part where a chainsaw dude was putting the saw part under mum and Haley’s butt, and he touched MY FOOT! He was strange I don’t know. Then there was a strobe part and it was the part with the (creepy) chainsaw guy, and it also had some weird mannequin with a Hillary Clinton face on it, for some reason, and I think it had to do with the area we were in. Then besides that nothing else really happened on the hay ride.

During the walk-through attraction, we went through a super dark, foggy tunnel with weird guys who popped out and screamed and I did my high-pitched scream (on purpose) and kept walking. Then I was the leader because I can be and there was a knock-off Jason guy and he was wearing a low-budget hockey mask. I attempted to go around him but I brushed against hay bales and tripped and he then clapped very slowly, and mum laughed at me. Then we got in to a carnival and this guy who led us through it, tricked us into going around in a circle, but the third time we went around we noticed a flap in the wall and we walked through it.

Then, came my favorite part. The Snake Room!!!! So it was this room with a bunch of snakes obviously, and in the corner I noticed it wrote, “The Cuddle Corner,” and I said, “The Cuddle Corner???”

The girl said, “Yes the cuddle corner. Would you like to hold a snake?”

No hesitation at all I said,”YESSSSS!!!”

And that’s how I died of poisoning. Lol! Just kidding! How would I write this? This is it, the end of the post. Be sure to like, comment, and subscribe to see more of me!

I know it seems like there could be way worse things in life, and maybe you’re right, but I took a week off a work in the beginning of October because I have some PTO I need to use up before I lose it, and I hate taking time off with nothing to do! Most normal people think that’s a dream, this whole staycation phenomenon, but I’m not part of that population. I think I’m too lonely. I need company. Or to be on an actual vacation.

That week made me realize how dependent I am on my work friends to entertain my mindless babbling all day long. I won’t take you for granted anymore, guys!

Anyway, here’s a run-down of what I did on my week off. tl;dr: It was not much after that first day.

• On Monday (i.e. the Day After the Pie Party), I met Maya and Scott in the Strip for breakfast before they had to head off to the airport. We were going to eat at Deluca’s but there were a million Yinzers standing outside of it, even though it was a weekday. (“It’s Columbus Day, though,” Henry reminded me later, which just made me get all angry and yell FUCK COLUMBUS.) But it was just as well, because we ended up going to this place next to it called Raymond’s. I don’t know if this place is new or what, but I have never heard of it. It was a fucking delight! The had two self-serve water coolers, one had lemon and orange slices in it, which I was stoked about, but Maya was the opposite of stoked because she has a citrus allergy. She stuck with un-citrused water. While Scott & Maya each had gigantic breakfast sandwiches, I pretended like I hadn’t absorbed 8 pounds of sugar at the pie party and had French toast on homemade bread with strawberry compote. The waitress asked me if I wanted whipped cream on it and I was like WHY STOP NOW. Then Scott called Robert Smith FAT BOB. Hnnng!!
  • Oh shit, when I was paying the fare attendant before heading downtown on the trolley that morning, I thought he was giving me a high-five, so I started to go in for it, but TURNS OUT HE WAS JUST STRETCHING I HATE MYSELF. Two days in a row of misread social cues.

• We walked around a bit after breakfast, in the stupid unseasonal humidity (oh god, it was awful — can’t you tell by my hair?!), until it was time for Maya and Scott to get on the airport bus. I wanted to drive them to the airport but dumb Henry had my car, so good job making our out-of-town guests take a bus to the airport, Henry you rude son of a bitch. Anyway, it sucked saying goodbye to them and I MIGHT have cried a little bit on the trolley ride back home which is really nothing new because I cry on the trolley a lot, but still. I loved hanging out with these fools and can’t wait to see them again!

• This was my view a lot of the days during my vacation. It was so warm the whole week and I went on 87 walks a day because there was nothing else to do which is false, I could have cleaned, finished any one of the 14 paintings I have strewn about, caught up on my blog…but no, I just walked a lot, KpopX’d, and annoyed the shit out of the cats (and Henry, whom I called constantly to ask, “Are you done working yet? Are you done? When? Now? Are you on your way home?” Ugh, I get so lonely!) I had way too much nervous energy to even kick back and watch a movie. I did practice my Korean, though! Update: it’s still hard as fuck. Chris sent me this article about the world’s hardest languages and it’s number 3 so pray for me.

• Drew, about to do something stupid.

• When I wasn’t walking on the high school track or taking my 90th loop around Brookline, I was with my bony peeps at the cem.

• On Wednesday, my mom stopped over to give me this shirt she bought me specifically because it’s a knock-off of a shirt that G-Dragon wore once. Chooch was like, totally disgusted about this. She bought this over at a good time, because I had just come home from my first appointment with Amber2’s dentist and well, let’s just say that dental office has been indoctrinated into the world of Spazzy Erin. That poor hygienist had no idea what was coming when she called me back and I answered her “How are you?” with a frantic, “I AM FRRRRRRREAKING OUT!” She laughed but I was like, “No really, are my teeth loose? Am I going to lose my teeth? Do I need like, a bridge or something?” And she was just like, “Settle down, you’re not going to lose your teeth!” And then she wanted to talk about her kids’ sleeping habits for some reason, and I was trying desperately to say around her hands, “Yeah, but can we talk about my teeth? AM I GOING TO DIE?!” It was a bad scene. My hands were so clammy. Anyway, the dentist came in and was super casually said she was referring me to an endodontist because she thinks I might need a root canal which is strange because I have no pain?! So I made the mistake of texting Amber a barrage of freak out texts about it, and then she TOLD GLENN who had audio of a dental drill playing when I came back to work the next Monday. UGH.
  • Anyway, I have my root canal consultation today, so god help me.

• Hey, something that cheered me up was getting this Notorously Morbid Halloween advent box in the mail, as a total surprise. Turns out it was from my friend Kristen! It was a great distraction and I started opening the stuff on the 19th and have loved every single item thus far! Thank you, Kristen! I always wear the same gold eyeshadow so it’s been fun venturing out and trying shades that I wouldn’t normally wear but look awesome! Horizons, broadened. :)

• One of the nights I was off, I drank wine and watched Weekly Idol. Livin’ large.
• Another night, Chooch and I went to Hundred Acres Manor (it was yawn-inducing, tbh) and then met up with Chris afterward at Eat n Park, so that was one fun vacation night!
• On my last weekday off, Janna and I walked to Pamela’s for breakfast and then I went back to the high school track because I panicked about not walking enough after walking all the way to Mt. Lebanon and back, I think I need psychiatric help.

• That Friday night, we went to a haunted house in Toronto, OH and it turns out ROBERT URICH WAS BORN THERE?! I only found out when I saw that there’s a road named after him. If you knew me in high school, you know how I obsessed I was with him.  I texted Lisa immediately and she was just like, “Oh god, no.” Apparently, this is the only thing Toronto, Ohio has going for it because it sure as shit isn’t Margaret’s Cafe.

• Possibly the highest moment of my time off was in line for a haunted house when the lineman guy said to someone in the group behind us, “I see you have Ed Gein on your shirt.” Everyone was like, “Huh?” and he kept going on and on about Ed Gein. I was craning my neck, trying to see this supposed shirt. “Yeah, the character on your shirt was based on the serial killer Ed Gein,” he went on, and I was trying to see if the one guy had like, Buffalo Bill or Norman Bates on his shirt or something. Nope. “Clown by day, killer by night,” he added. He started to walk away just as Henry locked eyes with me and silently pleaded for me to not to do it. But I had to. “IT WAS JOHN WAYNE GACY, NOT ED GEIN,” I blurted out with my arm raised like I was in a classroom, unable to wait to be called on. The haunted house worker turned around slowly and said, “Oh…was it?” like he was UNSURE if he should believe this dumb blond girl who probably reads Us Weekly and watches the Kardashians. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, RIGHT GUY?! Henry just shook his head and sighed because he hates when my know-it-all-ness rears its ugly head, but I’m sorry, I practically majored in serial killers and I couldn’t let that extreme piece of misinformation slide. “I make serial killer cards,” I told the guy and he was just like, “Oh OK” and then continued on with the rules of the haunted house. Sucks to be schooled. “You know people think you’re an asshole,” Henry sighed. That’s fine. I’m used to being lonely up here at the top. OH!
• We went to Dairy Queen and our Blizzards were not served upside down! This was an outrage! I got all mad about it and Henry was just like, “Oh well” and walked away while I was googling how to make a citizens arrest.

Well. That was prettty much my whole entire week off, point-by-point. When I went back to work that Monday, Amber said during our meeting that it was so quiet all week without all of my “drama.” AW! I took that as a compliment.

*I searched the word “seven” in every language looking for one that starts with “p.” Congratulations, now you know how to say “seven” in filipino! My dedication to alliteration is alliterastupid. 

Also, I originally had this titled as the eighth pie party because I can’t count.

Pie People:

• Scott & Maya
• Gayle & Jeffrey
• Chris & Monica
• Sandy, Ben, Elena, & Zoe
• Janna
• Lori
• Sue
• BARB
• Wendy & Summer
• Andrew & Karen
• Blake, Haley, & Calvin
• Haley’s mom
• Robbie, Nikki, Eli, & Levi
• Maggie, Ivan, Annabelle, & Lila
• Amber, Steve, Teddy
• Valerie & Dustin

This is the first time Kara missed a pie party! But she was running in the Chicago marathon so I guess that’s an acceptable excuse. 

Ok guys. You know the drill by now. We rented a pavilion, people brought pies, people ate pies. After seven years, there’s not much deviation to the formula. This will mostly be photos because I remembered to bring the good camera.

This year was exciting though because we had some new blood! Maya & Scott were here from Nashville (I liked to tell people that the pie party was THE ONLY reason they traveled here, though they did say it was the reason they picked that particular weekend to check out Pittsburgh as potential new digs), Henry’s co-worker Andrew and his wife Karen came, and Valerie brought her husband Dustin who I was excited to finally meet! And this was Lori’s first pie party too, because she couldn’t make it to last year’s pig-out.

I wanted to go bare-bones this year, because I honestly didn’t want to have one at first but then some of my friends talked me into it. Originally it was going to be bomb shelter themed, with just some old newspapers thrown down for tableclothes and some scattered slices of Velveeta for tablescape decor. But in the end even that was too much. We left the table bare-boned, no succulents to meet & greet, no mason jars of crayons to assist with doodling on the tables.

We did decorate the actual pie table though and thankfully Scott and Maya were there to help me because oh what a shocker, Henry ditched me again to go and fetch so forgotten item at the store. He does this every year and now I’m beginning to wonder if it’s intentional?!

I enjoyed this time with Scott and Maya though because Chooch wasn’t there to interrupt constantly – I have things to say too!

Also, Scott is super tall and excelled at hanging things from the rafters.

Obviously, my contribution was something Korean. Choco Pies 4 lyfe. (Surprisingly, every single kid at the pie party took one bite and then slowly handed the rest their moms. I’m offended!

I saved the “BABY” balloons from Blake and Haley’s baby shower because I figured I’d find a use for it again one day. October 6th, 2017 was that day! Mmm. Pie, baby!

(Every time I looked at it, I kept hearing Joey Tribbiani yelling it with zeal.)

Remember when I joked that the theme was “pies that Trump hates?” Maggie won the whole entire event with her ImPEACH 45 pie. Maggie’s Pie for President!

Twins!

I was sad that Amber1 and her twin sister couldn’t make it because I wanted there to be two sets of twins at the pie party just so I could say, “Yeah well MY pie party had TWO sets of twins, how many did YOURS have?” and then that person would be like, “None because wtf is a pie party, that sounds dumb.”

YEAH WELL FUCK YOU IMAGINARY PERSON I’M COMPETING WITH!

I think this was a picture of Henry staring adoringly at all of his grandbabies and kids, all under one pavilion roof covered with the graffiti of high school lovers.

(They must have painted it recently, actually, because there seemed to be less adolescent devotion up above our heads than usual.)

Lori literally made a cherry pi. So good!

There were so many savory pies this year! Sandy made a delicious corn and tomato pie, Andrew made some kind of chicken pot pie thing (the first pot pie ever, if you can believe that!), Blake & Haley went above and beyond with this super-hearty butternut squash, goat cheese, pine nut concoction that ate like an entire Thanksgiving meal in one slice. I can’t even explain how filling that sucker was! Henry conceded to my begging and made a kimchi quiche which even the pickier people enjoyed! It had a quinoa crust, which I thought was interesting.

You guys. I’m so excited to tell you — I’m betrothed to a pie! I never want to be without it.

Chooch had Sandy’s kids and Blake playing some dumb game with rocks. It had something to do with The Kingdom of the Unobtainium Rock? Who cares.

Except those guys cared and played it for like a solid hour until Blake got carried away and tried to hide one of the rocks in the rafters, which caused Sandy’s kids to try to climb to retrieve it, so I had to be a mom for once in my life and yell at Blake to get the goddamn rock for them.

Maya’s first pie party!

Janna brought a Mexican chocolate mousse. We did not build a wall around it though. Mexico is cool.

Anyway, this mousse brought the heat! It was delicious.

Pie party or not, his face always looks like this.

Here’s Monica holding Calvin, freshly pulled from the oven.

This was taken sometime after I told Chris she had a spider in her hair, landing me above Chooch on Monica’s list of least favorite people. I’m a really awesome friend!

My favorite part of the pie party is how welcoming my friends were to Scott and Maya. Here’s hoping they move here and can join us for more pie in the future! My least favorite part of the pie party was when I was on hug-giving auto-pilot and misread Lori’s body language when she was saying goodbye and started to make a hug motion with my arms, then quickly dropped them down to my side when I noticed she was slightly recoiling, and then the next day she texted me to  tell me that this was her favorite part of the whole pie party and that was sad I wasn’t at work because she wanted to tell everyone about it and embarrass me and I died a little but. I have a NO HUMAN CONTACT reputation to uphold, but the stupid pie party always ruins that because there are always people there who demand to be hugged upon departure and I have trained myself to leave my body for a bit in order to get through this.

I am so awkward, it hurts sometimes.

On that note: it’s hard to believe the 7th pie party is in the books! 7 parties-worth of hugs. OMG.

It’s Chooch back with “The Adventures of Amethyst”. Sorry to make you wait like Game of Thrones because it’s been 2 years.

Drew looked down, and started to tear up.

“What’s wrong?” Penelope asked Drew concerned.

Then all of a sudden, Drew started to laugh. She was laughing hysterically, so loud that her skin started peeling off revealing a hint of steel.

Penelope saw this and started to shout, “Guys, go! I got this.”

“How do we know?” Garnet asked worried.

“JUST GO!”

Garnet started to turn and dash but realized that they were still on a log flowing rapidly down a river. She remembered about the log and waited for it to pass by. She grabbed Amethyst by the forearm and jumped to the log. Her feet skimmed the water and she lost her grip on Amethyst.

Amethyst screamed, “Help! Quick, find something to pull me out!”

Garnet started breathing heavily, and she looked around. Her hands started to glow, and that’s when she remembered the day her parents had died. The day was October 13, the day of misfortune, and her parents had gone to the Never-ending forest to search for the endangered species of Bloorbs. Bloorbs are a furry, fluffy kind of “Lizard” and they only come out on Friday the 13th. So Garnet had to stay back with her nana, Vrov. She was the meanest, most loudest Nan in the town of Hurghston. Before her parents had gone on the trip, they handed Garnet an amulet. That amulet had a chain around it, so she put it around her neck. Her parents had made it to the forest and gotten out of their jeep, and they got all of their equipment in hand. They had walked about a mile in the forest until they heard a crack in the leaves. They assumed it was a Bloorb because they are the only reptile/mammal around at night on the 13th because all the other animals get frightened and burrow or hide.

They said together, “Litinol!” That is the spell for light.

They tip-toed over to the spot where they had heard the noise and they saw a bit of fluff. Garnet’s mom got the net and trapped it, but it didn’t move.

The dad inferred, “Wait maybe…” He picked up the lizard and it was plastic.

They said, “Oh man, whoever did this is going to die!”

They chanted the spell that explodes the radius around them, but in the middle of it, they felt a shift in their spines. They turned around to see a warrior with a hockey mask and what had been jabbed into their backs had been a machete.

Garnet started to whimper and her eyes started to glow. That flashback had made her exasperated. She grabbed the amulet that was around her neck and closed her eyes. All of a sudden she felt an alteration in her bones. Her hand started to glow even brighter and metal started poking out of her hand. It was getting longer and it started to look like a chain. She decided to throw her hand in the direction of Amethyst and the chain shot in the air towards her. It splashed in the water and Amethyst got soaked, she didn’t care because as long as she wasn’t going to die she was fine. She grabbed on to the chain and Garnet pulled the chain back into her hand. Amethyst had landed on to the land.

Despite that, Penelope and Drew were still on the log speeding down the river. Drew had completely broken in to full animatronic now. She had two metal legs that had bolts missing in certain spots, and her chest area was missing a section completely so she was smoking. Drew had swung her arm at Penelope but she had ducked and heated up her arm in the sleeve of her hoodie. Drew had ducked and kicked Penelope’s shins. Penelope reacted very sharply and almost pushed herself off of the log. Drew laughed and went for a shove but Penelope countered it and pushed Drew back. Drew had saved herself from falling but her finger dipped in the finger slightly and it made a spark. That’s when it hit Penelope. Drew is a robot, so her weakness is water and it will screw up her programming. Penelope cupped her hands and dipped it in water.

Then she said, “Hasta Lavista, Baby,” and she splashed Drew in the spot where she was smoking. The water had steamed up that spot even more and it started flaming. With the flames and all of the sparks, it was like Fourth of July, which Penelope is scared of. She lunged at Drew and landed in the water. She came out with 3rd degree burns on her lips and her neck. Penelope was close enough to the riverbank and she pulled herself up and started coughing up water and ash. She looked back and saw Drew no where. Did she escape? Did she keep going?

To Be Continued…

Our whirlwind trip to Detroit-ish is coming to an end, and I didn’t want to liveblog our drive home because I’m too busy dancing in the passenger seat, much to Henry’s chagrin*. So instead, here is a video & some photos from our quick pit stop at Luna Pier. 

*(Apparently, I’m “the worst navigator” because I get “distracted” and become “too busy dancing.” Do it yourself then, Henry.)

Chooch wanted us to pretend like we were holding guns. Ok. 

We thought it was funny because Pretty Boy Floyd was referenced at a haunted house we went to last week. 

Then we looked for beach glass for approximately 37 seconds before losing interest and leaving. 

I think we still have 2 hours to go because we’ve stopped a million times to make up for not being able to stop hardly at all on the way to Michigan yesterday because we were on a TIGHT SCHEDULE thanks to Henry coming home from work later than intended. 

I’m excited to get home and do KpopX for three hours straight. 

Wednesday was picture day and I decided that I better take my own pre-picture because he never fails to eff up his hair between leaving home and saying “cheese!” or “organic locally-source hummus!” or whatever nutritious PC thing schools pretend to care about these days. 

There are a lot of attitudinal things I dislike about the age 11, but mostly Middle School Chooch has been pretty cool to observe. Dude is serious as fuck about his school work, has a good group of friends (and not that hoodlum DAVID SHITFER*), and is funny as fuck. 

*(NOT HIS REAL NAME.)

Here are some Chooch Tales. 

• Last week we were en route to a haunted house and out of nowhere, he blurted out with passion, “Just once in my life, I want to cut down a tree.”  His anger seemed unreasonable but I’ve never wanted to cut down a tree so who am I to say. 
• Almost every night, we take a walk around the neighbors, just us two, and have spirited conversations about grammar, the characters of Brookline, school drama — it’s so much fun and we always come home with something to tell Henry because Brookline is always poppin’ you guys. Like last night for example, a dead leaf wanted to walk with us so we all skipped down the sidewalk together, and then we overheard a super vitriolic domestic argument coming from one of the houses and it was chilling. 
• Today was parent teacher conferences and I’m proud to say that Chooch is super-loved up in that school. I always feel like I’m walking around with a celeb when I’m there with him. His Communications teacher is this older black woman who is challenging him so hard and I love her for it. She said he is one of only two people in the class who has an A because everyone else is having such a hard time adjusting to middle school. Then we ran into his Second Family who I have actually never met and the mom came over and gave me a big hug and gushed about how much they love having Chooch over and how he is the spitting image of me. The communications teacher said it too! I love when this happens because it feels like I scored a point against all the jerkbuns who say he looks like Henry. Then we chilled with the VP and talked about PVRIS because that’s what level we’re on over there. Oh! And his one teacher from last year shouted down the hall, “What’s up Riley! You going to see GWAR this weekend?” because now he’s notorious with some of the male teachers  for meeting GWAR at Warped Tour lol. 
• Hey speaking of Chooch’s celebrity status, we were on a family walk (lol) back from the local coffee joint when some broad yelled hello to Chooch from her car. Who the fuck was that, I asked. Oh, she lives across from Bob. She has two Corgis. Bob, you may remember, is the older man a few streets away who Chooch befriended because he too has a Corgi. Chooch has so many neighborhood friends. Which reminds me that I never wrote about his cookie dough sales from last month. There’s a lot of words for that one so I’ll have to get back to you. 
• In case you were wondering, Chooch still hates pretty much everything that I like. Today, he said, “ugh I just noticed that you’re using a kimchi jar as a succulent pot.” His voice was full of disgust and contempt. Two of his least-favorite things about me, colliding!
• Chooch wants to be this alligator hoop skirt thing for Halloween, thanks Wicker Man pagan procession:

(Henry just yelled THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TIME!)

• Chooch’s favorite Kpop song is GO GO by BTS. 
• He’s excited to go to South Korea because they have a raccoon cafe, it’s all he cares about. Of all the millions of awesome things there….

I guess that’s it for now. We’re currently en route to Royal Oak, Michigan and I need to talk Henry’s ear off. 

PEACE OUT GIRL SCOUT. 

Castle Blood: 2017 (Nostalgia Tour?)

Saturday, October 14th we went to Castle Blood and I’m not going to tell you too much detail what happens because it might ruin the fun for you. 

First, in the beginning where you get info on what you have to scavenge for, this year there was a clock in the middle of the room and you pick a number and the number you pick is the year of a random tour that has the items you have to search for. The kid in our group picked 6, so it gave us the year 2006 which was a Witch’s Goblet, Web, and a Widow. With the web it allegedly was a token but we ended up not getting it because we couldn’t solve the puzzle.

Also, in the part where we go up the stairs, we couldn’t get up because we had to tell a Halloween joke to get approved. So I panicked because I wish my friend was here because she is a jokester!

I stuttered and said, “U-mm, what- what does- is a ghost’s favorite -fruit- berry?”

There was a brief uncomfortable moment of silence and while people stared at me I gulped and said awkwardly, “A “booberry”, oh haha!”

The guy who asked us stood there perplexed and said, “Umm, I guess, umm, I guess that will be acceptable.”

I stood there all flustered and hopeful to get the beads because I like being praised, but he bequeathed the beads to the other kid and he was pronounced the leader of the faction. The kid strolled up the stairs like he ran the place and I slowly trampled up behind him.

The next most important part was how we searched for a specific piece of glass around the place, I won’t tell what it is, you will have to find out yourself.

We made it to the lab where there was a puzzle to get the token, but it ended up being too challenging so we didn’t get it. I sensed the blood rushing up to my brain about to burst because I felt agony. Agony from not solving the puzzle.

Then, there was a funeral and mum was picked to kneel down to the corpse (Freddy?) and say that she misses him. Which then some girl had to put the roses/flowers in one of the heads that she thinks could be Freddy’s and then the head would talk and say like thank you and stuff. Then we got a glass piece.

Then there was a part where I got sprayed by like water. It was a part with a spider queen and she asked if we had anything for her and we all said no and she told us to leave. Then one of her baby spiders sprayed me because I was standing right next to it. 

Finally, we got to the part where we would get the witch’s goblet. The witch said that she had some glass transforming thing that turned glass into (not telling) and she took our glass piece and put it in a pot. 

Then she pulled out a goblet out of the other pot and said, “Hmm, this isn’t a (not telling) I’ll just put it back.”

So she reached for the other pot and was about to drop it, so I said, “Oh no, don’t do that! We need that goblet!”

“Need it? Why would you need a goblet?”

“For a quest.”

“Ahh I see, so here you go,” and she handed it to me and I refused.

I said, “Oh no, give it to him he needs it,” and I pointed at the other kid.

She handed the goblet to the kid and his dad snatched it from him, and then they started “brawling” and “screeching”.

That was the end of the quests and we got our fangs along with some oozing red candy as blood for the fangs. In my opinion, Castle Blood was marvelous because I loved the part where I got to tell a joke, I loved all of the puzzles, and I love how the actors take good responsibility with their roles. They really take part in their characters! You should all go and enjoy yourself.

So enjoy your day and stay tuned because I will be doing another Haunted post pretty soon!

There was this cute cafe down the street from my work that I liked – Umbrella Cafe. I mean, technically I was only there twice, but the one time I had some kind of vegetarian goulash that made me feel like I was making out with a Romanian. It was wonderful and rustic!

Anyway, like most good things, it closed up around the beginning of summer and I was so sad. “You act like you ate there everyday,” Henry scoffed. (I guess I do this a lot.)

Shortly after, a large piece of paper went over the window that said “Bae Bae’s Kitchen coming soon” with a cute little outline of a house. For some reason, I thought that maybe it was going to be Southern comfort food? I kept picturing someone’s adorable grandmother who goes by the name Bae Bae, pulling out some fucking delicious corn bread from an oven and setting it down next to a platter of fried okra.

Months went by without an update, until one day a few weeks ago, there was a new sign next to the door, kind of not easy to see unless you’re actively searching for clues, which I was (I have little going on in my life, you guys, please let me have some thrills). On this new sign, I saw my favorite word in the whole entire world: KOREAN.

A FREAKING KOREAN RESTAURANT WAS GOING IN DOWNTOWN!

Immediately though, I wondered if it was going to be some kind of American-Korean bastardization because it seems like all of the “hip” American restaurants lately have some kind of twist to Korean cuisine on the menu. And Pittsburgh has very few traditional Korean restaurants. So I wondered.

Finally, it opened, but of course it was the week I was off work. Several people texted me about it and I was like HELLO I HAVE BEEN ALL OVER THIS. Lori said she would go with me, because she was with me one of the two whole times I went to the Umbrella Cafe, so it seemed fitting to ask her. But then she wasn’t at work on Monday or Tuesday and I wasn’t sure of her whereabouts and didn’t even consider to check the department calendar. I figured I would just wait it out. I’d make it there sooner or later.

But then! I walked past it yesterday on my break and my heartstrings were all sorts of tugged and tangled. I started to keep walking but then something in my gut stopped me and I backpedaled my ass straight into Bae’s Bae’s Kitchen, where I was greeted by a friendly Korean girl wearing a bandanna in her hair, and I was immediately so happy, why am I this way.

This is one of those joints where you order at the counter, so I walked up with a purpose and when the guy behind it said hello to me, I blurted out, “I HAVE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE” and he was like, “OK! Let me help you…” He started explaining to me what various menu items were and I was trying so hard not to be a Hallyu know-it-all, so I just kept nodding and let him finish. I asked if the kimbap (I pronounced it the correct way, thanks) had meat in it, and he showed me that there was also a vegan version.

“Are you vegan?” he asked, and I said I was just vegetarian.

“I just pretend like I don’t know that kimchi is made with anchovies,” I laughed.

“I’m pescatarian, myself,” he said, and I savored this beautiful moment of camaraderie. I WAS HOME. Then he started to explain to me what japchae is and I was like, “Dude, I have like four bags of that in my house right now” except that I just smiled giddily instead.  You guys, you should have seen me. I was literally bouncing from foot to foot with my hands clasped under my chin.

I had already eaten my daily oatmeal lunch (I’m a sad person), so I decided to just get something light for that day. I opted for a take-out container of vegan kimbap, kimchi, and milk tea.

“Do you want boba in that?” he asked me, and when I exclaimed, “Yes!” he gave me a smile of approval.

“You get to pick a straw!” he said, offering me a selection of fat, neon straws. I picked pink, of course. And then he handed me my receipt with both hands!!!!!!

While I waited for him to finish making my milk tea, I gushed about how excited I was that they opened up downtown, and he thanked me. I wanted to be like, “I AM GOING TO SOUTH KOREA NEXT MARCH!” and also “DO YOU LIKE RUNNING MAN?!!?!?” but I took deep breaths and forced myself to bring it down a notch.

“There are utensils over there,” he said, pointing across the restaurant and in my head I was like, “LOL, OK, I have chopsticks in my desk, but thanks.”

I wanted to take some pictures of the interior and the menu, but I was the only one in there (it was after 2pm, so kind of an off-hour) and felt like everyone working there was paying attention to me. So I left with my food and immediately called Henry.

“Was he Korean?” he asked me after I told him about my exchange with the guy at the counter. Like I said, we weren’t sure if this was going to be some Americanized joint, so it was a valid question.

“Yes, they all were,” I answered.

“Did you just say ‘we all were’?!” Henry asked incredulously.

“No, I said they all were…” I said, but to be honest, I was a bit unsure and kept trying to play it back in my head.

“You totally said ‘we.’ Wow, what a Freudian slip,” Henry laughed. Fuck off Henry.

***

I was still on a Bae Bae’s high today and was telling some of my co-workers about it.

“You could have just checked the calendar!” Lori said when I told her I went without her because I didn’t know when she was going to be back in the office. “We could have went today!” And then later, I accidentally left her off of a department-wide email, so I’m losing points with her left and right. Now she will never make me another Special Event countdown calendar!

Meanwhile, I had talked such a good game that Todd was totally geared up to check this place out today for lunch.

“Where is it, again?” he asked.

“It’s down by where my favorite homeless person sits,” I said matter-of-factly, and Todd knew exactly where I meant because I have dragged everyone down into my crazed abyss. Unfortunately, Todd was on late shift today so he got to Bae Bae’s at 4 and apparently they were only serving drinks at that time because they were preparing to open back up for dinner at 5.

Lauren said she could appreciate that, but Todd was all, “I walked so far out of my normal radius for that!” But then Amber suggested that maybe our next group team building exercise could be lunch at Bae Bae’s. SHE IS THE BEST!

(Would it be embarrassing if I ask them if they’re named after a BIGBANG song?)

Being off work for an entire week right after I began my ambush decorating really slowed my roll. It especially sucked that I wasn’t there when two of my coworkers got to see their newly Halloweened offices.

However, it gave me some time to collect my thoughts for the (most likely) final horror set.  Trust me, I was really pumped when it hit me that I could turn Jill’s office into a Wicker Man shrine.

#NotTheNicholasCageOne

I spent Sunday afternoon sitting Indian-style on the floor, hot-gluing popsicle sticks while watching South Korea travel blogs. This is my life. I also ran around the house, collecting other things I needed, like some of our old plastic animal masks and Chooch’s stuffed rabbit.

I barely said hello to anyone when I got in Monday morning, I was in such a rush to get this shit done before Jill arrived. Debby and Marlene watched with great interest.

“Oh, and there’s the rabbit mask! Oh, and there’s the sheet music!” Marlene exclaimed as I set out each object.

“Have you seen The Wicker Man?” I asked excitedly, after being certain that this one might wind up being the most obscure set yet, even more than last year’s Ju-On (or, you know, Lou-On).

“No I have no idea what this is,” Marlene said, and then she and Debby cracked up. I tried to give them a quick run-down and they were just like, “Wow. How many Academy Awards did that win?”

“Christopher Lee was in it!” I said all defensively, and they just laughed harder.

My life, you guys!

This is the old-as-fuck English round that the crazy Pagans sing at the end of the movie.

#NOTTHENICHOLASCAGEONE!!!!!!!

Summerisle was well-known for their apples. 

“KILLING ME WON’T BRING BACK YOUR APPLES!”

Anonymous letter received by Sergeant Howie, the protagonist, asking him to come to Summerisle and help find a missing girl named Rowan Morrison.

Picture from one of the creepy harvest festivals and a March hare, which represents the missing girl. 

‪

Green Man Inn is where Howie stays while he’s in town and it’s full of debauchery. MY KIND OF INN.

“Oh, I know that movie,” Todd said disgustedly when I was telling him I decorated Jill’s desk. “It was so stupi—-”

“NOT THE NICHOLAS CAGE ONE!!!!!!” I shouted. Ugh! His version was a desecration of the original, a motherfucking disgrace.

Anyway, I stopped by Jill’s office later in the morning to see if she liked it and she seemed….thrilled! I would target everyone there if I had the time/energy/brain power. There’s one other one that I MIGHT do if I can find the time, but it’s looking like I might skip it. But happily, I still haven’t spent more than $10 on this whole thing!

***

I was inspired to watch (THE ORIGINAL) Wicker Man Sunday night, after getting all of my props together. I let Chooch watch it with me because I forgot how much freaking nudity is in it, so that was goddamn fantastic. Then yesterday, I came home from and he was like, “LOOK AT WHAT I TAUGHT MYSELF” and when he put his hands together, I thought it was going to be more sign language because he’s been learning that in gifted this year, BUT NO IT WAS THE FUCKING SONG THE WEIRDO BOYS SING AT THE MAY POLE IN WICKER MAN.

“OMG please do not ever sing that in school,” I begged him, and he was like, “Duh.”

I am the worst parent ever.

Later, on our nightly walk, he blurted out, “The Wicker Man was so good. I LOVED it. Like, a lot.” Yeah, I wonder why?!

Friday, October 13, 2017 we went to Dark View in Toronto, Ohio with Janna and it was sweet.

In this picture I’m biting my nails because I’m “spooked”.

It was chilly while we were there and of course, like most haunted houses, there was smoke so it smelled like (smoke?).

We were waiting for some one else to get in line so we weren’t the first people because that would be really annoying and we would be the first targets and we would be the first people the guys terrorize.

I guess it was a bad idea to wait because we were the second people but we had to wait for like three more groups because of FREAKING V.I.P! V.IP always ruins everything. The host dude thing guy was telling us a (fake? true?) story, it was debatable.

It was normal and it was definitely a fake story because it was like “Pretty Boy Floyd was killed by my Grandfather. Don’t believe that the government killed him.”

Then it took a dark turn and it kind of sounded true because you wouldn’t make stuff up like this, and in the rural Trump-lovin’ area we were in, it was definitely true. Then since our groups were switched because V.I.P took half of our group we were left with these three pre-adults and they were cool, not annoying at all. (no for real, not sarcasm).

Then the three guys had to get marked to get in, but before that he had to give someone his flashlight and walking stick so he gave them to mum and she was like super excited. (I was forced to write this. Lol). Then the guy drew a butt on one of their wrists and then on the other was a spaghetti factory throwing up or something.

Then those three guys didn’t hear the story so the man was like, “I will tell you guys the history of this house.”

Then I said, “Ugh!”

He glanced at me and said, “OK, you don’t have to hear it.”

So he told the story and I stood there and waited, then we were finally going to go but the guy, let’s call him Sal, grabbed me by the shoulder and said, “You’re going first.”

I said, “Umm, No thank you.” And I walked back to our group.

He pulled me back and said, “You’re going first.

”

So I went with it and walked in the shed which we had to go in before we did the attractions.

I sat at the end of one of the benches that were in there but the guy tapped me on the shoulder again and said, “No, you sit here,” as he pointed to the middle of the bench.

I asked, “Why?”

He walked away and closed the door, then the lights shut off and some dragon thing started moving and talking, it was just going over the rules like ,”Don’t touch anything, and nothing will touch you,” Boring… *Snore*

One part in the house we went into some ritual room to keep the ghosts away, and we had to do a chant (I don’t remember it, I think it was German or Russian or Gibberish) but at one point we had to form a circle and hold each others hand but when it came to daddy and one of the kids to hold each others hand, he refused. Which made the kid sad. (He cried, go to his Go Fund Me page and donate money to cure him of his depression) Comment #CureThatKid if you made it this far!

Then there was a trail and there a tree dude and I said, “Groot!” but he ignored me. );

But there was also a leaf guy and I said, “Groot’s brother!” but he also ignored me. )’:

That was the end of my sadness but then it was my joy because Michael Myers was there and I could say that mum loves him and he can follow her, which he did.

Finally we made it to a circus and it was AMAZING.

There was the main clown who lead us through the whole time and we met him at the Kissing Booth and he asked, “Does anyone want to kiss?

”

He looked at daddy and said, “How ’bout you, you Big Beautiful Bearded Man, wanna give me a kiss?”

But yet again Henry made another person sad, because he likes to spread his hate all over.

So the clown led us and then this fat guy peeked over the fence and started talking to us.

“Who’s excited to see The Fat Man?? I have eyes and a smile on my belly!”

Then the main clown was like, “No one does, go away,”

Then some conversation was going on but I forget most of it.

Then we went through a maze and I lead because I’m a beautiful Corgi, and I hit a dead end then I turned around and pulled another flap and saw a guy in a hat standing there, but I squeezed passed him and exited.

Then we ended up with the fat man guy, but before that there was a gymnast who was saying, “If you liked it clap twice, and if you don’t like it clap twice because he will beat me,” and he pointed at the main clown.

He ended up doing *pretty* bad but with all gave him like fifteen claps.

The fat man didn’t really do anything except make the face on his belly talk, and then he told us to go through this cushioned tunnel and tell the guys at the end that Fatso sent us.

We got to the end and of course I was leading so I got jump-scared by an air-horn. I guess it was the end because we were getting our picture taken.

When we were standing there, there was a cannon going down and I guess going to shoot but when it hit zero we all flinched, it took our picture, and it splashed us with water. That was very unexpected but I knew something was going to happen, I’m sure everyone else did too.

Overall, it was amazing. My favorite part was when “Groot” came out because he was so cool. But since I want to get to 1000 words, I’m going to write a few more. If I had to pick another part I would say the maze because I like leading! Bye guys and gals!

Look. I used some ironic Pittsburghese up there in that title and typically that is a pet peeve of mine but I figured since this is kind of a Pittsburgh tourism post thing, might as well add the full flavor, right YINZ GUYS?

Ugh.

Scott and Maya had left the itinerary of the day up to me, but they did express interest on going to the aviary at some point to watch the bats getting fed. I had no objections to this, but I will admit that the aviary is not something that I would have put on my own Pittsburgh travel itinerary. Not because I’m like, anti-birds or whatever, but because I honestly usually forget that this place even exists.

In fact, the last time (and maybe possibly even the only time?) I was ever there was when Chooch was 3 months old and I was adamant on taking him there for some reason even though Henry kept reminding me things like, “He’s only 3 months old” and “His eyes can’t even focus yet” and “He will never remember this.”

I think I got a discount for being a Pitt student maybe, and that was back when I was trying to milk it for all it was worth. So we went and two things happened:

1. Chooch didn’t care
2. Chooch doesn’t remember it (and I barely do, either)

I went to the aviary’s website the night before to see what the admission fee situation was like, and was surprised that it was only $15 (that seems reasonable) and that it’s apparently the largest in the country!

So after our Millie’s ice cream lunch, we walked over to the Gateway T station where some elderly couple, clad in Hawaiian button-downs and fanny pants, accosted us and started firing off questions; first they asked us if we were from Pittsburgh and I hesitated, unsure of my answer, because I was afraid of the questions that would follow. Turns out they were trying to get to the Carnegie Museum of Art and Janna and I tried to explain that they couldn’t get there by using the T and then the lady was pointing at a map like, “But it’s right there, can’t we just walk” and we just like, “Hey babe, that’s just where you catch the bus to get you there” but she was arguing with us about it and then the guy was like WHERE ARE ALL THE CABS which is the Pittsburgh equivalent of Pee Wee asking to see the Alamo’s basement, for real.

We suggested an Uber or Lyft but the lady was like, “I DON’T HAVE THAT APP” and honestly, their attitudes were pitiful and didn’t make me feel inspired at all to help them any further. Fucking swim there, it’s a beautiful day and the river’s right there, you know?

Ugh, talking to strangers is so exhausting.

Anyway, we got on the T and Maya was just like, “Aw, this is cute” because she and Scott lived in NYC, so…..the trolley here really is cute compared to a true urban transportation system. But I managed to get us off at the right stop (fine, Janna did – I’m not very familiar with the T past Gateway) and then we made it to the aviary on foot without getting lost so this day was shaping up to be quite the success. And all of my work friends were so worried about what I was going to do to these poor people!

Inside the aviary, I was reminded about how much I love birds and how so many of them remind me of my cats. There was one majestic owl in particular that made me mentally weep for Marcy. :( She always reminded me of an owl.

The penguins were especially delightful and showing off for us. Maya said their daughter is really into penguins so that’s just another check for the “pro Pittsburgh” column because HELLO OUR HOCKEY TEAM IS THE PENGUINS. Plus, they’re a better team than Nashville. *insert fingernail painting emoji*

I really liked this room because not only was there a Buffalo Bill’n flamingo, but Janna almost whacked in the head twice by free-flying birds and it was amazing.

You guys, I didn’t realize the bats were going to be so big!  I was expecting those little tiny fruit bat things that my dad used to taunt in our backyard by throwing a wiffle ball high up into the air and making them dive down for it. Sigh, fun times on Gillcrest Drive. These bats were like ACTUAL VAMPIRES. I was so stoked! These particular bats are Flying Foxes.

Janna mused, “Aw, they’re like foxes with wings.”

“That’s why they’re called FLYING FOXES, JANNA,” I yelled. God!

Anyway, the feeding was way more exciting than I ever could have imagined. One of the aviary workers came into their habitat with a pail of watermelon, grapes, and…papaya? I can’t remember what the third fruit was now. You know me and my details! Let’s just gloss over everything as usual.

While the lady was hand-feeding them (they’re particular little suckers! GET IT—SUCKERS?!), she relayed some facts about them, like how big their wingspan is (like 4 feet or something) and then started talking about the dangers of unsustainable palm oil so now I’m obsessed with it and even downloaded the app that she recommended so that when I buy Halloween candy, I can make sure it’s from a company that’s not an enemy of the rain forest. (Look up “sustainable palm oil” in your app store and join me!)

Major props to Scott and Maya for suggesting the aviary. I had a lot of fun there and felt that just watching the bat feeding alone was worth the price of admission.

While we were there, I sent Chooch a picture of some giant condor that reminded me of his idiot cat Drew and he was so angry that we wnet to the aviary without him. I mean, even before he knew we were going to the aviary, he was mad that he got left behind, but have you met Chooch? He is the worst when it comes to things like this and would have totally impeded upon the day and started to complain that his hip hurt from walking too much. He’s pretty dramatic.

We capped off the day of sightseeing with some coffee at Colony Cafe, where we got to relax and get to know Scott and Maya some more. They are so freaking easy to talk to, it’s kind of maddening. How do I unlock this life skill?!

After that, we all walked back to the Wood Street trolley station, where Janna had a total tourist moment by not being able to put money on her Connect Card, so Scott gave her a dollar so that she could just be a TRUE N00B by paying cash on the T. Oh, Janna. While we waited for the T, some crazy Steelers fan tried to engage me in FOOTBALL TALK but I shot him down, only for Scott to be like, “I know football things” so then they started talking about sports things and I thought to myself, “If they move here, they will be just fine.” Honestly, all it takes is even one small nugget of knowledge of one sport, any sport, and you can get by. Plus, Maya accidentally was wearing a Batman shirt in the official color palette of Pittsburgh so I think people were mistaking her for a fan of the Pirates/Penguins/Steelers, pick one, any one.

(I think it was on the trolley where we heard people talking about Nashville for the second time that day, and we all exchanged looks because what were the odds, you know?)

Anyway, we parted ways with Maya and Scott when the trolley rolled up to Station Square. They were going to check out Mt. Washington via the incline and I really wanted to do that too but Janna had a pie to make and I had to go home and get all of the pie party decorations out of the basement and then decompress because I always get so stressed out the night before the pie party, you have no idea.

As soon as they got off the trolley and the door closed, I looked at Janna and gushed, “OMG I LOVE THEM!” and Janna agreed that she also thought they were great and we both started to hardcore hope that they will move here. There were absolutely zero bad or weird vibes. Yes, I was still a little nervous and a lot shy because that’s just me, but I could tell that these are people I can be myself around and I was really excited for Henry to get to meet them the next day.

Meanwhile, not only did Janna have to pay an extra fare for using cash, she also lost a quarter because the fare thingie doesn’t give change. She was pretty nonchalant about this though which was annoying because I wanted her to be more upset. On the walk back to my house, though, some (possibly drunk?) guy walked past us and when he pulled his hand out of his pocket, some change flew out and clattered to the sidewalk. He glanced behind him when this happened, but then kept walking, undaunted that he lost money.

“Janna, you should pick that up. It will make up for the quarter you lost,” I urged. There was at least a dime and a nickel chilling on the sidewalk, plus whatever he dropped further up the sidewalk, but she chose to just pick up the nickel. As soon as it was in her hand, I yelled, “JANNA YOU JUST STOLE FROM THAT MAN!” and he whipped around to look at us while she tried to pass the nickel off on me! I was like, “I DON’T WANT YOUR STOLEN MONEY!” so she ended up leaving it on some sign that was in front of the pool hall we were walking past.

It was great. You should have been there.

*****

Later that night, I got an alert that the Pens game wa starting. They were playing Nashville. I guess all the “random” Nashville talk we kept overhearing that day wasn’t so random after all! Oh ho ho hockey.