Me: This song makes me feel so sad. Like cripplingly sad. Like full-body sadness. 

Henry: Then why do you listen to it?

Me: Because I love it…?

God he asks stupid fucking questions. 

Anyway, I’m certain I’ve posted this video before but oh well it’s too good not to share again. It wasn’t really feeling like October to me (maybe the 80 degree weather?) but then I put this on the other day and yeah, there’s October. I was ready to pumpkin the FUCK out of this month after that. 

I’ve been home all week, maybe I mentioned it earlier but I can’t remember. It’s been a long week you guys. I don’t do the whole “relaxing” thing. I can’t binge-watch shows in my PJs. Instead I’ve just been acting like I’m on speed all week yet I feel like I’ve accomplished NOTHING. It’s been a weird week. I can’t explain it but I feel disoriented and not myself at all. 

Also, this week has taught me that I really don’t like being alone. Here are two pictures of me forcing Peenlop to hang out with me. Ugh. 

I’m going to a haunted house now. Bye. 

Wednesday, we went to Hundred Acres Manor, and by we I mean my mom and me because Henry was spooked and scared. In my opinion, HAM this year was better than last year’s HAM. At the same time we were there I had an essay to finish but I will get to that at the end.

While we were in line waiting for HAM to open there was this couple, and another guy who was the third wheel, which the guy kept picking up the girl so she could see something and she kept saying she could see and for him to stop, so he was very annoying.

Getting ready to go in!

When we got into the inside line there were these two girls with the “Plague” and they were traumatizing everyone in line. Then they both saw me and started traumatizing me instead. They ignored mom because they said she was already “sick”. Then one of the girls was a Victorian lady and she asked me how I wanted to die and I said with no hesitation at all, “I want to get eaten by a cat!”

Then she said confusedly, “Well that’s different.”

Then she walked away because she was weirded out. Then I had to say very loud so everyone can hear me, “I am safe right here!”

So then the Victorian girl came over and leaned very close to my face and said, “You are not safe here, the monsters inside will eat you and you will end up like me, and if they don’t eat you, I will.”

Then mom said, “You like her.”

Then I glared back at her, crossed my arms and said, “Sure I do.”

Then she rolled her eyes and said, “You keep smiling when she comes over.”

“She is IN MY FACE!”

“Well you keep taunting her!”

“UGHHHHHH!”

When the doors finally opened we waited a while then I kept doing the word “elevator” in sign language because of the next part in the haunted house. Then we were by ourselves and mom instantly squirming and asking, “Is that real?”

Then I say no and we kept walking towards the elevator and the house owner (I guess) asked us if we were ready and we were quiet. Then he said, “I said are you ready!”

Then mom said, “Yes,” but I said, “No.”

Then quickly realized that that was a bad idea because he started glaring at me. Then the elevator door opened and we walked in.

A little bit further in we got to a whole outside part and it smelled of a mix of sewage, fog machine gas, and also the smell that the people spray to make it smell bad intentionally. So mum started gagging and making the noise you make when you are about to throw up because it smelled really bad. Then there was her favorite part, the re-birth part, where you walk through those cushioning things, but it was like we were actually getting re-birthed because the room was glowing red and there was a thumping of a heartbeat.

Then another one of her favorite parts was when we were walking through the foul stench of butchered meat in the slaughterhouse. She was also coughing herself moribund. Then we got to a house that had a Halloween party going on inside, and the girl who answered the door said,

“Oh thank you so much for coming! But you guys aren’t DRESSED UP!” 

“Well we forgot, sorry.”

“Don’t LIE to me!”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Enjoy your time here!”

So we walked through the house and then music came on and I started grandma dancing. While I was dancing the host came out and said, “Why aren’t you enjoying yourself!?”

Then I said, “I am. I was just dancing to the wonderful music!”

“Oh you were! Thank you guys so much! Have a great day and thanks for coming!”

That was my favorite part because it was the least scary!

Me after HAM, I am spooked!

We left Hundred Acres Manor and while we drove away, we could really smell the sewage. Then me and mom told dad all about HAM because that’s what we do.

We started heading to Eat n’ Park to meet our friend Chris. While we were waiting to order I was very tired and also couldn’t think about anything else but my essay because I only had two paragraphs on it and I needed to write 5 bodies. Then our waitress came over and took our orders.

Suddenly it became such a ludicrous moment because I ordered the salad bar and came back with a salad with no dressing. Chris and mumsy started making fun of me because of that. I didn’t understand but I thought maybe it was adult humor that I didn’t understand because it’s bad.

Haha, Cheerio!

I am so excited to write this blog post and it will likely be rife with typos because of said excitement (and also because it’s me typing this, remember). Ok ok ok. So, my friend Maya and her husband Scott have been tossing around the idea of moving and somehow, someway, Pittsburgh made it on their short list of options.

Maya and I go way back, and by way back I mean to somewhere like 2008 when we were both active members of a sellers group on Etsy called Etsy’s Dark Side. It was a lot of fun – people in the group would swap business cards, etc so when an order would go, you could include a cute little pack of swag from other shops in the group, kind of like back in the PENPALLING DAYS when you’d throw in some FBs* with your letter for an added bonus. Maya was so great at organizing these swaps! Our one friend Agony’s Decay used to send us little skull-shaped soaps to include with our orders. I was just thinking about this yesterday and felt inspired to re-order business cards from Vista Print for the first time since 2011. I’m good at running a fake business.

*(Pre-Facebook, “FB” stood for “friendship book” which was a small handmade book of stapled paper, sometimes just index cards, that would get passed on from one penpal to the next with each person writing their name, address, interests, etc with the hope of making new penpals; it was like a super rudimentary Craigslist.)

Anyway, some of us became “outside of Etsy” friends and by that I mean we friended each other on Facebook. Mostly, I didn’t interact very much with any of them but Maya was one of the few that I felt like I clicked with, even after I stopped being as active on Etsy as I was back then. And you may remember that Maya is the maker of my favorite dolls!

(Christofer Drew, Jonny Craig, Vic Fuentes, Birthday Clown keychain!)

Technically, that Christofer Drew doll is Chooch’s, along with a Ju-On doll she made him a few years ago, which is in his room because she’s one of his favorite possessions.

Maya and Scott have been wanting to head on over to Pittsburgh to scope it out. When I told her the date for the pie party, they decided that would be a fine weekend to come out, eat some pie and check out some possible neighborhoods. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE! I was at work when she told me and I made some (probably disruptive) exclamation at my desk and then ran around telling people. SOME PEOPLE were like, “Great, if you’re giving her the grand tour, they’ll probably scratch Pittsburgh off the list.”

Ugh, shut up guys.

They got in Friday afternoon but I was working late shift that day (#fml), but they hit up 21st St. Coffee, Primanti’s, and the Wood Street Gallery on their own because they’re capable humans. We didn’t actually meet up until Saturday. Janna joined us because I was afraid they’d ask simple questions about the city and I wouldn’t be able to answer, like, “What is that building?” or “Is it safe here at night,” but I figured if they asked me things like, “Hey where did that creepy guy hug you that one time?” or “Where did that machete thing happen?” I’d be fine.

They didn’t ask, but don’t worry: I SHOWED THEM ANYWAY!

I feel like I’ve been training for this day though, all these years, all those lunch break walks. I have gotten so good at Pittsburgh! Well….kind of. I know the good alleys and where to get ice cream. I also know when to avoid walking around down there (4pm – when all those fucking school kids are running the sidewalks acting like they own the goddamn town, ugh GET OFF MY LAWN) and where to get a good non-Starbucks cup of coffee. (Pro tip: anywhere that’s not Starbucks.)

Henry dropped Janna and me off at Scott and Maya’s hotel in the Strip District and I was prepared for awkward greetings because have you met me? Maybe you haven’t. I’m missing very valuable social skills. We’ll touch on that when I get to the Pie Party post, don’t you worry. But thank god Maya and Scott have enough of those skills to make up for my deficiency because I immediately felt at ease.

Plus, it helped that right away Maya gave me this adorable Monster-era G-Dragon that she made me, so that got me talking animatedly about kpop which is my ultimate comfort zone, <3

She even embroidered the “BB” on his back, I love this little baby G-Dragon so much!

‪

The first thing we did was walk under the Convention Center, because there’s this cool water-path thing that’s usually lit up by pretty lights but I think that it must be turned off for the season now. But at least it gave Janna and me a chance to tell them about the annual furry convention, WHICH THEY WILL GET TO EXPERIENCE IF THEY MOVE HERE.

Add that to the “pro” column, guys.

We walked down Liberty and I was sad that my favorite homeless guy wasn’t out for them to see. Actually, I don’t think he’s homeless, and I’m mad at him (again) because he was shaking his Big Gulp cup of change super aggressively the last time I saw him which I thought was just completely unnecessary because he should know by now that I don’t have any change to give him.

Then we walked to the Point so I could show them the fountain. (“When you start seeing 87 pictures of the fountain a day on Instagram, that’s when you know it’s officially summer,” I read to them from my guidebook. I’m good at this.) They saw the fountain. They took pictures of the fountain.

Then Scott asked a question!

“Do you get much flooding here?” he asked innocently, not knowing that his simple inquiry was forcing my brain to do things and I JUST DID NOT KNOW THE ANSWER nor could I think fast enough to make one up. It was hot that day, OK? Really hot and humid for October.

Thankfully, Janna started spewing out some mundane flood facts and to myself, I thought, “This is why I brought her. Thank god for Janna and her knowing of things.”

You might notice that this post is curiously remiss of photos of them. That’s because I was still testing the waters and trying not to be as extra as I tend to be when I’m excited about fresh (faux)meat. 

I decided I would lead my tour group to Market Square. Janna and I told them about how the restraurant NOLA catches fire a lot and they were like, “That’s concerning.” Janna was all, “Yeah but the food there is good” and I couldn’t really back that up because I’m a vegetarian and New Orleans-centric cuisine hates my people.

We walked past some scary propaganda thing being filmed and then I lead them to Millie’s for the best ice cream in Pittsburgh. Actually, I lead them past Millie’s because I wasn’t paying attention, and also the Market Square location of Millie’s didn’t have super impressive choices this time, but my condensed milk nectarine was a delight. Janna got strawberry (*snore*) and Maya and Scott both got milkshakes (blackberry cobbler and Vietnamese coffee, respectively) and I was really excited about this because for some reason, I never think about getting milkshakes at Millie’s. They said it was good though! Janna made me get sprinkles on mine because she wanted it to look like I was trying to emulate her. It was OK.

Fine, it was wonderful. I usually only get sprinkles on soft serve! I am a very particular ice cream orderer!

There were old people in Millie’s talking about Nashville which was coincidental because you know, Maya and Scott live in Nashville. I felt like the old people thought we were totally in their way and hated us because we were like half their ages.

We pulled some tables together in the center of Market Square and talked about our lives, and Pittsburgh, and the fact that Maya is too scared of haunted houses (#fakegoth!). I was acutely aware during this time that conversation was flowing effortlessly and I was getting attached to these people, oh god!

Check back later for part 2, where I successfully got them on the trolley, compared every bird in the aviary to one of my cats (past or present), and caught Janna stealing. It was a jam-packed day, you guys. We did lots.

Time needs to slow down and also speed up simultaneously. I’m having a major countdown going on internally, but at the same time, I’m trying not to rush through the days, especially these sacred fall days. Why does fall have to be the shortest season of the four? It still feels like summer here in the ‘Burgh – my hair was a frizzy nest and my face had that totally attractive humid glaze to it all weekend and I just wanted to cry. Today was no better, except that I didn’t have to go to work because it’s Day One of my Week Off For No Reason! (Actually, the reason is because I had to start using some PTO before I freaking lose it — I go through this every year). So since I’m sitting here at 9:30pm, post-Kpop workout, and dying from the humidity in my house-oven, I figured I would let off some steam by thought-dotting.

• Speaking of devastation (let’s just dive right in!), Lauren heard that the Pirates were doing a collection for Puerto Rico relief last week, so Nate and I joined her Tuesday afternoon in walking over some much-needed goods across the bridge to PNC Park. I contributed a bunch of pet food, which was on the list, and Nate & Lauren rounded up some bottled water and baby supplies. The plan was just to stop at the local CVS on the way over, but Henry caught wind of the plan and was all, “CVS IS TOO EXPENSIVE I WILL BUY THE PET FOOD ELSEWHERE” which meant I had to lug this big bag of pet food to work that morning, no big deal. But Nate & Lauren have normal spouses who didn’t meddle so they got to have normal commutes in and then bought their stuff at CVS, where the cashier tried to make some dumb joke about the varying diaper sizes we threw down on the counter and Nate desperately wanted him to think that we were all three in some progressive millennial three-way relationship and that he was actually the mother of our babies. But the cashier was already too focused on sharing various DIY projects that we could do with excess plastic bags, and that was just really weird, because he was talking about how they make sturdy ropes and now I’m positive that he knows this because he’s used one on the milkmaid he’s holding hostage in his basement. We also know that he has an ex-wife and that his roommate is one of his CVS co-workers and I”m hoping that it’s the other cashier who was working that day, who was imploring people to COME ON DOOOOOOOWWWWWN to his register. So, that was an adventure. Then we lugged all of our items over to PNC Park, where we were told some of the players were milling about but admittedly none of us know a single Pirate so that didn’t really concern us. We just wanted to do our part because fuck you Trump. I also really liked how symbolic it was that the Pirates were doing this because the one thing I do know about the Pirates is that Roberto Clemente was trying to do this same thing for Nicaragua when his plane crashed. I might not be that into baseball, but I am for sure a fan of the Pirates.
  • Honestly though, why is everything so terrible. I felt guilty because I want to help everyone. Houston, Puerto Rico, Mexico City, Las Vegas…how do you choose who needs it more??  Just take all of my money. :(
    • What if one of those evangelical raptures actually happened and those of us who were Left Behind are actually living in some horrific Limbo of mass shootings, fatal acts of nature, Trump, etc etc.
• Henry was over here the other night mouthing off about how he was using sriracha back before using sriracha was cool and is that like listening to a band before Pitchfork rates it?
• I worked from home on Friday and boy let me tell you no one in my house ever wants to talk to me as much as they do when I’m working from home.
  • Also, I wonder if the cats noticed that I was playing the same song over and over.
• Henry and I were about to walk into CVS the other night when some broad came over to me and asked, “Excuse me hon, are you from here?” and I was like OMG WHAT DO I SAY WHICH IS THE CORRECT ANSWER LAWD HELP ME so I blurted out “yes?” like a total stoop, waiting for her to say she needed directions or my body on ice in a bathtub but no, she wanted to know where the best place is around here to get pizza. SHOO, GIRL, YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. I will talk to anyone about my pizza opinions. Pizzopinions? I told her Giovanni’s and Fiori’s and Henry was all, “Girl bye” and went into CVS because we have very different pizza palates. Pizzalates? No, that doesn’t work.
• Henry was studying the Seoul subway lines and in that moment, he was Oppa Supreme.
  • Until today, when I learned a new Korean word: 빵셔틀. It means “bread shuttle” and it’s slang that Korean school bullies use to refer to the weaker kids that they make run errands for them, like they are literally shuttling around bread for the bullies. HENRY IS THE WEAKER PERSON IN MY HOUSE WHO CHOOCH AND I MAKE RUN ALL THE ERRANDS. This couldn’t be more perfect. I texted it to Henry in Korean and he put it in Google translate and sent me a screenshot with a bunch of “????”s, like he thought that I made a mistake and was trying to make me feel dumb, BUT WHO IS THE DUMB ONE NOW, BREAD SHUTTLE.
• Three girls left Girl’s Generation, you guys. “They went from 9 to 5,” I said sadly. “Yeah, that’s not how math works,” Chooch said snidely and I yelled, “ANOTHER GIRL ALREADY LEFT EARLIER, OK!?”  Pour one out for SNSD (that’s what they’re called in Korea; try to keep up):

• There’s this one crossing guard that I always exchange awkward and flat “good morning”s with on my way to the trolley every day. I don’t usually get much out of him in the way of personality, but on Monday, almost as an afterthought, he said to me, “You’ve lost weight, haven’t you?” and then he started to backtrack by saying, “I mean, not that you needed to, um…you know—” and I cut him off to thank him, genuinely, because I had just been looking at a recent picture of me from Amber1’s bridal shower and feeling really shitty about myself, which I try not to do anymore, but you know…we all have those days and it sucks, but sometimes you just gotta let yourself have a negative thought or 87, get it out of your system, shake it off, pound a cupcake….and then start over with a positive mindset the next day. But man, I know it’s a slippery slope making that type of observation about a woman and then having the balls to say it to her, but I really did appreciate it because I have really been working so hard and most days it seems pretty unnoticeable.
• This wasn’t anywhere near the levels of awkward achieved by a security guard at one of old jobs who insinuated that he wouldn’t have guessed I was a vegetarian because, you know. “No, what?” I pressed, until he DREW AN HOUR GLASS SHAPE IN THE AIR WITH HIS FINGERS. Wow dude wow. I actually was pretty whatever about it but a co-worker overheard and got offended FOR ME and ended up reporting the guy. It turned into a whole thing and I got fucking interrogated by the supervisor of the security guards and I was just like, “Look, it was a dumb comment and I don’t think he even realized what he was saying” because I have had much, much, much worse said and done to me and that wasn’t something I was losing sleep over. Dude either got fired or quit, I don’t know, but I never saw him again after that, all because of a dumb comment.
• WOW THIS BLOG POST IS SO HEAVY.

• My mom took Chooch to Trax Farms last weekend to get autumn decorations for our house. They came back with the obligatory corn stalks and a pumpkin. After assessing the corn stalk sitch, I determined that they needed fake blood and baby doll heads. “Really?” Chooch cried, throwing his hands up in the air. “Val and I go and get nice decorations for the house and of course you want to ‘add blood’ it.” WOW AND I THOUGHT HE WAS MY KID.
  • But then a few nights later, we went on a late night stroll around Brookline (we live dangerously) and had a lively conversation about our grammar pet peeves. WOW HE’S MY KID.
    • Speaking of that, Henry used a double negative around Calvin’s impressionable 4-month-old ears and I almost castrated him right then and there. DON’T TEACH THE BABY BAD TALKING, HANK. Honestly though, I have tried an exhausting number of times to teach Henry what double negatives mean and I guess he gets it but he just doesn’t care. At least he doesn’t say “ain’t” or “yinz.”

We’ll end with a cat video because that’s just how it’s gonna be.

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September was a decent month. I really can’t complain. We went to Chicago; I saw Taeyang and Emarosa; BTS released a new album and it’s jam-packed with, well, jams. And Blake and Haley moved super close to us!

We took Blake and Calvin to Parker’s for breakfast last Saturday. There was a nice morning bustle happening there and it pleased me greatly to see this place getting some action. Blake was impressed by the aesthetics. It’s something that Brookline was in desperate need of, you guys. Something cool.

Chooch was stoked because he finally found someone to play games with (Parker’s has several shelves of games) and this is also how we learned that Chooch sucks at Guess Who. Like, maybe he’s trying to abolish gender norms but he never asks, “Is it a boy or girl?” which is like the standard #1 question to ask when playing this game. But he’s like, “Is it a ginger?” “Does it have brown eyes?” “Is it kind of fat but not?”

My favorite part was when one of the moms from Chooch’s old school rolled in and was going to sit next to us until she saw me and then awkwardly said, “OK let’s sit over here,” and moved to a different table. LOL ALL THE WAY TO HELL.

Ooh, then I found this great comforter just when we were in need of a new one! Henry only said no because “it’s too expensive” and not because it’s Bigbang. I can only imagine the bitchfest this would cause from some people. “OMG she doesn’t let him sleep ever, but when she does, it’s under a bunch of Asian boys!” Yes, Henry’s life clearly sucks so hard.

My favorite part about this is that G-Dragon is in the middle and that’s pretty much where I sleep.

We went to the first haunt of the season! You can read Chooch’s review here. (He really put a lot of effort into it because he knew he was earning $5 worth of Robux whatever that even is, I don’t ask.) I’m worried that we won’t get very many haunted houses in this season because our weekends are jacked but I’m off all next week so I’m going to try to squeeze some in during the week! Some of them are open on Wednesdays and Thursdays, which benefits me and we all know it’s all about me. My co-workers remind themselves about this all the time.

Obligatory truck stop bathroom selfie. You guys, we originally stopped at a Sheetz and it was the first time ever that I encountered a filthy, unusable restroom in a Sheetz. Every toilet was packed with poop and there were wads of wet, soiled toilet paper everywhere (hold on…..I’m burping up vomit). I WAS SO ANGRY. It was out in a rural area too so as we left the store, I loudly said, “FUCKING REDNECKS PROBABLY SIT ON THE TOILET, CHEERING FOR TRUMP WHILE SHITTING OUT THEIR BEEF JERKY EVERYWHERE” and Chooch started choking because he was laughing so hard, and Henry was like, “Please don’t make these truckers and hunters converge on us, thanks.” We drove for a little bit and I used the bathroom at an actual truck stop and it was so clean and wonderful. SHEETZ, YOU’RE GETTING A LETTER FROM ME. HOW YOU DARE. 

What else…Henry and I watched “Lavender” Sunday night, some horror movie with Abbie Cornish and my takeaway from that is that she’s a pretty terrible actor. The movie was more sad than anything, but there were some creepy parts. I’m not sure that I would go out of my way to recommend it though.

I also spent some time trying to teach Henry all the members of BTS because previously he just thought everyone was Jimin, because that’s a 52-year-old white American man for you I guess. Like, he came home one day last week and said, “I saw Jimin’s dog died” because he gets notifications from AllKpop and complains about it YET DOES NOTHING ABOUT IT. And I was like “Ok but it was actually Jin’s dog, nice try.” Anyway, now my friend Lizz (the only other kpop-loving friend I have!) and I are certain this means Jimin is Henry’s secret bias. 

And now I’m going to go and get ready to show my friends Maya and Scott around Pittsburgh because they’re visiting for the first time from Tennessee! And tomorrow is the pie party! #stress

Well guys, it’s that time of year again! As usual, I was waffling: did I or I didn’t want to decorate for Halloween at work? It takes a lot of mental energy out of me, but I had a few ideas that I came up with several months ago, so I did a quick inventory of the things I’d have to actually spend money on because that’s a huge factor: the more I already have on hand, the more inclined I am to put the effort in.

I did a quick Goodwill and craft store run Tuesday night and $5 later, I had everything I needed to get the four offices decorated.  Some of the offices required $0!

OK, first up is Terry’s office. This was the first one that I came up with a few months ago and if only you could have been there when I excitedly spun around in my chair to tell Glenn…

“Pet SemaTERRY, get it Glenn? SemaTERRY? Because his name is TERRY?!” I squealed.

“Yeah, I get it,” he mumbled. Just jealous that he didn’t think of it first, that’s all.

Anyway, this one required $0. I inherited those tombstones from Barb years ago and they’re actually mainstays on my desk. The stuffed cat is Chooch’s (“Please don’t rip it up or put blood on it!” he begged) and that sign was made be me demonstrating my awesome cardboard box-ripping skills.

I can’t tell if Terry likes it or not. He hasn’t said anything. Glenn disappeared from his desk at one point the day I decorated this and when he came back I yelled, “WHAT, WERE YOU TALKING TO TERRY!? DOES HE LIKE HIS OFFICE” and he was like, “NO I WASN’T TALKING TO TERRY.”

Honestly though, I was so giddy about this one all day. It was so stupid in its simplicity, yet so PERFECTLY PUNNY.

OMG this next one was one that I wanted to do last year but I ran out of time:

My hands felt arthritic by the time I was done cutting those branches out. When I was taping them up the next morning, my coworker Amanda was like, “Let me guess—Children of the Corn!” and I was like “NO AMANDA I DID THAT ONE LAST YEAR, DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO WOULD REUSE AN IDEA?!” Ugh, god.

The worst part about this is that I came in 30 minutes early on Wednesday to decorate and I was SO PROUD OF MYSELF and couldn’t wait for Aaron’s reaction, but when I went back to my desk, Glenn said, “LOL, Aaron is working from home today.”

Ugh.

Henry helped me make the chainsaw.

“I thought you said you weren’t decorating this year so why am I sitting here cutting out a chainsaw?” he sighed when I stopped him en route to Slumber Town and handed him a pair of scissors.

The only thing purchased for this one was poster board for the trees.

In case you have no idea what this is from:

I didn’t even have to bring a book from home because Gayle turned one of the cabinets into a library, so I grabbed the first chunky hardback in there (thanks, Nora Roberts). I was going to make my own Necronomicon cover out of a latex mask but I wanted to get this set up the next day so…..a quick print-out it is!

Also, the chainsaw is green because my piece of red foam-stuff wasn’t large enough.

Cathy is visiting us from the Harrisburg office! Today was her first day in the office so Amber suggested yesterday that I decorate her desk too. Luckily, I had some extra stuff on hand, like this bloody sheet that I used for last year’s “Carrie” desk, a creepy clown doll, spiderwebs, severed fingers, a vintage picture of an actual dead guy in a coffin that I used for my funeral parlor theme desk a few years back, and probably what scared Cathy the most: an Asian snack on her keyboard. I think she felt welcome!

OK, this next one is my favorite! No, they’re all my favorites. I love all my babies equally. But seriously, when I made the connection that Patrick shares a surname with the Stranger Things family…it just all fell into place.

So I turned his office into a shrine for older brother Jonathan Byers.

The pictures he took of Barb on the diving board and Nancy in the window. There’s an actual scene in Stranger Things were the photos are hanging on a string like this. I didn’t have any string, rope, or twine, but I DID have some old party hats in my desk! So I ripped off the elastic.

In the show, Jonathan actually uses a Pentax and I’m so mad because I do have an old Pentax from the 80s somewhere in my house, but I couldn’t find it. So this Konica will have to do. Also, if you watched the show, you know that he liked The Clash’s “Should I Stay Or I Should I Go.”

The nail-studded baseball bat Demogorgon weapon that he carried. Thank god for cardboard boxes.

I had to carry this on the trolley with me this morning. No one even noticed.

I had a strand of white lights on hand, so I quickly painted them yesterday after work.

Total amount spent on this: $0.

I don’t know if this is good or just admitting that I’m basically a hoarder.

OK, the last one I decorated today is, in Glenn’s words, a bit of a stretch, but I had to do it.

Chris’s office is right next to me and I was disappointed last year that I couldn’t think of anything for his name, and then it hit me.

“Think about it, Glenn. ‘Chris Kenrick,” I said the other day after I came up with it.

Glenn just shrugged.

“Chris Kenrick. Chris KenRICK. Chris KenRICK GRIMES,” I blurted out giddily.

“Wow,” Glenn said, totally not impressed but probably a little.

In case you don’t watch The Walking Dead, Rick Grimes is the main character.

Today, Catherine said, “You are totally wasting your talent here!” and then started preaching about how I need to find a job that utilizes my skills, but I literally never see any job openings for “half-assed horror movie-themed office decorator” so it looks like the law firm is stuck with me for a little bit longer.

I have two other offices on my radar, but I’m off all next week so I don’t know if I will do it when I get back — is it worth it? UGH MAYBE PROBABLY WE’LL SEE. I can never tell if I’m going to get in trouble for this, but I guess that’s half the fun of being the office black sheep?

If you’re interested in last year’s decorations, please turn your attention here and here.

One evening last week, Blake was like, “Hey can you guys watch Calvin while I do laundry” and of course we were like um fuck yes. These are things that happen now that Blake and Haley live literally a five-minute walk away. It’s pretty awesome, if we’re being frank up in here.

BUT. When Blake got here, he set down Calvin in his carrier and said, “OK, I’m taking this guy with me to help with laundry” and there was this split second when I thought he meant he was taking Henry and my heart almost jettisoned out of my chest because DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH A BABY, OMG HELP SOS.

Thank god he was talking about taking Chooch with him, not Henry. Then I was all, “Oh ha ha ha, I knew that’s what you meant, lol.”

But I mean, fucking phew, amirite.

These pictures are really terrible quality. I think my phone is dying or something.

Henry was in the middle of making dinner when Blake dropped off Calvin, so I got to chill with him a bit and make sure he didn’t stick his fingers in any sockets or whatnot. We got along pretty well! He seemed interested in my dumb face, and we watched kpop videos together and he smiled a lot, but you know, could have just been gas.

I even held him for approximately one minute!

That was when I finally found a name for Calvin to call me: NOONA! In Korean, it’s what boys call their big sisters and older girls in general. Blake and Haley approved it, so there.

Penelope is scared to death of strangers but she was super interested in the small babe, surprisingly.

Henry is a pretty good grandfather, I guess. He makes dumb baby noises though and I’m just like, “Please stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Calvin’s new friends, Leatherface and Pennywise.

Calvin doesn’t stay still long enough to not be a blur. It’s like taking a picture of someone who’s just watched that video in “The Ring.”

And this was after our breakfast at Parker’s on Saturday! I love this. And Chooch loves having Blake within walking distance. (Not sure how Haley feels about that though. J/K, I have a pretty good idea!

)

I went from “I’m not decorating at work this year” to “I just spent an hour on the floor cutting out branches.” 

Please enjoy this video while I soak my arthritic hands in… whatever you soak arthritic hands in.  I kind of want henry to break up with me briefly so I can sing to him. 

So this is it, the first haunted house review of 2017. So this place was about an hour away, and GOD was I bored. We got there but it ended up being the wrong place, it was some redneck festival or some kind of derby. We don’t know that for sure but the amount of middle-aged men and women in camo jackets and bandannas covering their bald head was immense. The actual haunted house was down the street a little more.

So we finally arrived at the actual haunted house and not some stupid festival. The place was somewhat crowded but yet again not really. It was also very frigid, but thankfully they had fires. Oh and also this photo was taken right after I saw this little witch and said,

“Don’t even ask-,”

“Go stand over there and I’ll take a picture.”

“Well, I expected this.”

,

We eventually got our tickets, after the ticket people asked why only two, so I said with no hesitation ,

“Because he is too scared,”

Then one of them asked, “Why are you too scared?”

“I’m not scared,” Dad groawled (my new word for groaning and growling at the same time)

Example: The tone of every word Henry Robbins says.

We got in and I instantly ran to the fire and warmed up.

We were bored and mom made me get a picture with her even though I was still warming up by the fire, oh and also we were waiting because the present hay-ride was crowded and we wanted space to ourselves so we waited till it left, and we were also waiting for it to get darker out. Somehow it got super dark in like 30 minutes, and I was confused how I didn’t see the night getting dimmer.

I asked daddy to be the killer because he has a beer-belly in real life and in the cutout, and also because daddy is a country man with a chainsaw.

We got on the hay-ride sooner or later, but it took forever because I guess the first one didn’t go until it was super dark out, and then while we were on the next one we had to wait for the first one to go through the whole thing just so we can get all of the people because while we were on, most of the guys followed us forever. While we were waiting, this dude was driving some like tractor thing with a coffin on the back of it and then some lady was like,

“Oh that’s a coffin ride, you pay $5 per person to ride in the coffin, and he takes you to the little cemetery and you get your picture taken.”

Then some lady said, “Oooooh, we have to do that! We have to do that after this, we are going to do it, right???”

The lady was way too stoked I thought maybe she was gonna push everyone out of the way to be first in line for it because she kept saying how fun it sounded and how she was going to do it.

So after like 20-30 minutes we finally started to go and move forward. We saw the fake cemetery that you drive past in the coffin. I thought it was real and you go a pretty far distance but, no. Also it was a pretty long while until the first guy approached us, and of course it was a fun house/show, but it wasn’t a clown like you would suspect, no it was a ring master type guy, he wore mostly all black with white stripes on most of what he was wearing. He also had white face paint with black eye shadow and outline around his mouth. Then some psycho patient guy was climbing on all of the bars and poles on the trailer and he was getting in everyone’s face and business. Then I saw Freddy, of course because he is a very popular choice at haunted houses, he started climbing and doing weird gymnastic type stuff all of the tractor and I could of sworn he was going to fall and break a leg or something, but no. He also jumped onto a hearse and started riding on top of it while it was moving, and it was some crazy stuff.

During the hay-ride, I didn’t want all of the monsters to stay all over me, so I told all of them that my mom was making fun of them even though she wasn’t.

Then, there were these chainsaw guys who made me cringe because they had they saws pressed against the bars and it was making a screeching sound and it started to vibrate the whole floor of the tractor, and he did it right next to me!

Then we came to a stop and we got off. Now we had to separate into 2 groups, I guess 5 to 5. We ended up with the two ladies who were talking about the coffin ride thingy. They were fine, they weren’t annoying. We had to go through a corn maze which was really simple and boring because the 1st group got every single chainsaw guy and we got through no problem what so ever. Then that was the end of the hay-ride/maze part. Now onto the actual haunted house! So mom and I went through by ourselves and she was like panicking and stuff and I held onto her so she didn’t get scared, but it made her even more scared because she kept asking if that was me holding her. Then every haunted house has to have a doll room, so we got into the doll room and the girl asked if we wanted to play and I said,

“Sure! What do you wanna play?”

Obviously, no one ever asked her what she wanted to play because most people run and scream. So she took a while to find something to play, and then she glanced at the dolls and then mum pulled me out of that room and I called,

“Sorry! Can’t play right now!”

Skipping ahead a little bit we got to one of those cushioned tunnel or in mum’s words, Birth Canal. Of course mum hates it so she zoomed through it while I fell behind.

She was running so fast that I had to keep up with her and then we caught up to the group that went in 10 minutes before us. Oh and she also kept going,

“What is THIS???”

“What is THAT???”

“Omg!!!”

Then there was this weird hearse road thing and there were two hearses that were like crashed and trashed. Then some pig guy jumped at us and mum left me behind.

After all of that there was a slaughter house type thing where a pig looking butcher dude was staring at me and I said,

“I don’t approve of what you do for a living,”

Get it? I don’t like how he chops up, you know? No? Whatever.

Then there was this man with a cattle prod and he was snapping it constantly and it was creepy.

Then yet again with the cringe there were these chainsaw guys using the saw on metal again! And it was very CRINGY!

So those were all of the important parts of the Hay-Ride and Haunted House part of Valley of Terror that I could gather for you all today, but there is still one more thing I need to add.

This was taken in the coffin ride because mum and I chose to do it together because she refused to do it without me, definitely not the other way around….

So she thought it was just going to be a plain old boring ride in a fake coffin but there was a twist. It took forever basically and when we got to the cemetery the lights in the coffin turned off, and there was this weird lullaby or chant sang by these creepy kids, and then the base of the coffin shocked us, and also mum would not stop talking through the whole thing.

So there you go, those are all of the important details that I could possibly gather up for this post. See ya!

I have waited a good long while for this to happen: Emarosa finally headlined a show in Pittsburgh so we didn’t have to travel to see them! We could casually leave our house at a normal hour for once and then get home before 2am or, you know, sometime the next day!

And the cherry on top an already decked out sundae was that the opening bands were two bands that Chooch and I both love: Jule Vera (Chooch) and A Lot Like Birds (me)! I absolutely could not wait. Even Henry was stoked on this one, probably mostly because he didn’t have to drive a lot and it was an early show, his favorites.

(Who am I kidding: early shows are my favorites these days now too.)

There ended up being a local opener and I was mildly annoyed about this at first because of course the venue was filled with all of their friends and family and I was worried that it would be like all of the Smiling Moose shows, where the opening band would play and the crowd would only be there just for them and then the venue would be empty for the headliner and the rest of the bands on the actual tour.

I had low expectations for Define Irony, which is awful because I was definitely judging them by the crowd they drew and I was expecting some lame 105 The X homogenous rock sound, but they proved me wrong and I am delighted to admit that! I love when a local band is GOOD!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZthiNvhc7D/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

Of course, this video doesn’t do it justice, but when the girl started singing, I was like, “OK I’M LISTENING. I HEAR YOU.” Their style, the back and forth co-ed vocals, brought back some memories of the scene from the mid-00s, and I was feeling it deeply.

Henry, who had ditched Chooch and I immediately and went to the bar, said that he couldn’t tell at all from where he was sitting if the band was good or not because the sound was so bad back there, which is very disappointing because I feel like Cattivo is usually pretty good in that area. Then again, Henry isn’t easily impressed so who knows.

Also, I haven’t been a good blog-researcher so I don’t know if this is mentioned on any of their social media sites, but if they got their name from Steve Buscemi’s line about Lynyrd Skynyrd in “Con Air” then I love them even more.

God, I love that movie.

Of course as soon as Define Irony was over, their whole entire posse left (although some of them hung around for the rest of the night) and I started to panic that the crowd was going to be sparse for Emarosa. People will argue with me based on the types of music they like, but Pittsburgh can be pretty shitty when it comes to the music scene and it’s bizarre because we have SO MANY COLLEGES in the area. Why aren’t these kids coming to shows? Are they just that poorly promoted? It could be that. Usually the only way I hear about shows is by following bands I like on Instagram or remembering to check the websites of various venues around here. Because unless it’s a larger band or something playing at Stage AE, I just don’t usually see anything about it.

I even tried to round up some friends to come out to this show because I really think some of them would enjoy Emarosa but that plan bombed. Amber2 was really bummed out because she does genuinely like them and it would figure that when they finally headlined here, she was out of town!

I WILL NOT GIVE UP THOUGH. Even if I have to buy everyone’s ticket myself and trick them into going.

The next band was Jule Vera, featuring Chooch’s babe Ansley. He LOVES HER. I mean, just look at her though, who wouldn’t? And then she starts singing and if you hadn’t already loved her, you will definitely fall in deep then. And the rest of the band is such a joy to watch, too!

I was sad though because the first time Chooch and I saw them with Never Shout Never in 2016, they did this really cool drum solo thing where Ansley poured water on the drum while the drummer was playing and it sounds like such a simple thing but it really was a cool thing to watch. It was very dramatic and that was definitely what made me pay attention to them.

Henry and I saw them a few months later at Riot Fest and they did it there too, and the crowd was just going nuts over it. We’ve seen them twice since then and they haven’t done it again :( This time around, they mostly played songs from their new album, which admittedly didn’t appeal much to me when we saw them over the summer at Warped Tour, but the vibe in Cattivo was different this night, more intense and passionate, and I afterward I looked at Chooch and said, “OK, I’m sold. I like the new songs now.” I think that the stage they played on at Warped was just not suitable for them.

In the beginning of their set, the crowd seemed kind of dead and I was SO EMBARRASSED. Ansley tried to get everyone to clap during the first song and no one moved. I really hoped that this wasn’t going to be a theme for the night, but by the second song, people seemed to really be opening up to Jule Vera and the energy rose A LOT. I mean, Chooch was over there right in front of the stage, cheering and waving his arms, so they at least would have had him if all else failed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZbOVgXAO4S/?taken-by=butt_jam

One thing to note about Chooch is that he is super independent when we’re out at events like this, and well, just really in life in general. When I was his age and had to use the bathroom, I would panic because OMG WHERE IS IT WHAT IS IT GOING TO BE LIKE SOMEONE GO WITH ME.

LOL who am I kidding, I’m still like that at 38.

But not Chooch. He’ll be like, “I have to piss, brb” and then he sets off to find the loo all on his own. So that’s what he did after Jule Vera, and I saved our spots. When he came back, he saw some girl wave to him and say, “Hi Riley!” and I was like, “How the fuck does an 11-year-old know people at shows and I don’t?!” Turns out she was one of his mentors when he was in 1st grade, so I guess she must be a senior now? Junior? I don’t know.

Math.

Shit fuck motherfucker OMG. A Lot Like Birds was next. Henry was still sitting in the bar area and I was like, “COME OUT HERE AND WATCH THEM” but he was like, “NO” because he’s seen them a bunch of times with me and absolutely nothing will ever make him like them because he has no taste.

I was excited for Chooch to finally see them live but he said he didn’t really like them that much and my heart shattered a little because I adore A Lot Like Birds, even without Kurt Travis.

I just saw them in June when they played Divisi in its entirety so I won’t go into too much detail here other than they were a joy to watch as usual and just made me feel invigorated.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZtm_EkhiKr/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

Henry came over and joined us while Emarosa was setting up. Wow, so blessed. Please stand with us, Henry. Protect us from the bad guys at the big scary concert.

When Emarosa came on stage, the room felt like it was on fire. The crowd was pretty decent for Pittsburgh and everyone was visibly pumped to see Emarosa. I always say the same things about them: they’re so energetic, so pure and passionate, so clearly in love with sharing the art that they make — it’s hard to escape that contagion and I think that’s why this is one of the few bands that Henry and I BOTH like. But, only since the departure of Jonny Craig.

Oh, WHILE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THAT GINGER PIECE OF SHIT…..a few days before this show, a video was going around on Twitter from a Slaves show in Detroit where Jonny was so fucked up that he fell off stage, tried to play it off like he just wanted to be singing in the crowd, and then CHOKES some guy for mocking him. This guy…

Also, he sounded like absolute shit in the video too. Sorry for all my friends who are now suddenly (and inexplicably) into him, literal “Jonny-Come-Lately”s, but that motherfucker peaked in 2009. You missed out, guys.

I wish there was a special font to denote eye-rolling.

Anyway, this was all over twitter and various music websites, and then Jonny was actually calling people and threatening them to take down the video and I have no idea what he’s so afraid of because he has cultivated such a pathetic following of blind sheep that he will probably never be in danger of not having a career because who cares if he’s a drug addict that emotionally abuses people, fans included, right guys?

I’m telling you all of this because after Emarosa played the first song of the night, Bradley took some time to ask everyone how they were doing that night (after saying, “Howdy, partners—I’m trying a new thing here”).

“No one’s getting choked, so that’s good at least,” he said, and I was like, “OOOOOOOH SHIT!” That was definitely a jab at Jonny and I loved it.

I don’t have a set list, but I will tell you that they played a good bit from both Bradley-fronted albums, including some of my favorites from Versus that I haven’t heard in a while and was afraid that they were retiring them.

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

But they also did a REAL throwback and played “The Game Played Right,” which was from the Jonny-era self-titled album and also my favorite old Emarosa song that I have never heard live before because Jonny wasn’t around very long after this album came out. I thought I was going to die. I rarely record entire songs at concerts because, for what, you know? But this was a rare exception because Bradley sang it so perfectly, and when it was over, some guy in the crowd yelled, “You sang that better than Jonny!”

“I know,” Bradley said in that Chris Pratt-esque way that I adore. “I killed it. But, it’s not a hard song to sing.” If that had been a tweet, he for sure would have used the hair-swish emoji, I just know it.

Or the nail-painting one.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BZtgmHoh3_0/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

And they played a cover of Paramore’s “Decode” and I wanted to cry. It was such a fire rendition.

Oh, and guess who crowd-surfed again? HAHAHA! Chooch saw Bradley walking over to our side of the side and got the “Oh lawd” look on his face, and then before he could hide in Henry’s beard, Bradley was pulling him up on stage and sending him off to the sea of fans. It was great!

Immediately after the show, Chooch’s friend Lacey came over and high-fived him, and then the girl who was standing next to Chooch at the front of the stage came over and asked if we were at the Emarosa at Mahall’s last spring. After I confirmed, she said, “I knew I had seen you guys there!” I’m sure a crowd-surfing 11-year-old is pretty hard to forget though!

And then another guy came over to us and said, “Hey, I met you at the A Lot Like Birds show a few months ago—” but of course I remembered him because so few people actually talk to me at shows! Anyway, he said as soon as he saw Chooch go up in the air, he was like, “That has to be that girl’s son” because we were talking about Emarosa at that last ALLB show and I showed him the video of Chooch crowd-surfing. So he came over and looked for us after the show and I was so happy! I hardly ever make connections at shows because when I’m alone, I’m so stand-offish and awkward. And if I do talk to anyone, I always feel like they won’t remember me anyway because I’m so forgettable, wah.

So all of these things were so great (and also all thanks to Chooch, ugh) and then we had a great conversation with one of the guitarists from Jule Vera, the same one we talked to at Warped Tour (Claud?). He’s such a nice guy, and a real talker. That’s those Alabama boys for you! He said, “Ya’ll were at Warped Tour, too, weren’t you?” and I was so happy that he remembered talking to us! Those bands talk to so many fans at Warped Tour, but I guess Henry kind of stands out.

Just a little.

Henry and I told him that we also saw them at Riot Fest last year and how upset Chooch was that he wasn’t there, haha.

Meanwhile, Chooch just stood there, nervously wringing his hands, desperately trying to avoid making eye contact with Ansley. He has it bad for her, man.

We couldn’t leave without talking to Bradley (no really we couldn’t — he was standing right by the door!).

He seemed genuinely happy to see us, and told us that there were snags on stage, being the first show and all, and I was like, “Pfft, we couldn’t tell!” They sounded so tight as always! Then he tried to teach Chooch a handshake-thing and it was pretty painful, and also hilarious, to watch.

I opened my big mouth about Chooch’s crush on Ansley and Bradley was all, “OH SHIT!” and started teasing him in full big-brother mode. Even the guys in line behind us were cracking up.

I wish I could describe Bradley better, because he is so down-to-earth and an absolute delight to talk to. I know that sounds so lame and like, such a mom-thing to say, but it’s clear how much he values and appreciates his fans. I love watching him engage with people in line before us, and seeing him make someone’s day. He’s good at it, and while he has his exaggerated (and also very facetious) bravado on stage, he is so far from a rock star in person. I love this guy, and this band, and I hope the butterflies they give me never go away!

What an excelsior night, legitimately.