A: Leave Newark, lol.

Honestly though, we decided to skip out on day two of the convention portion of KCON based on how clustery it was the day prior.  It was like 90 degrees that day too and I could only think of several things less appealing than being in a crowded parking lot with thousands of people. (Also, we learned after the fact that this year’s KCON had nearly doubled in attendance from last year’s; thanks BTS…?)

Henry found some place for breakfast called Maple Leaf Diner, and it definitely wasn’t in Newark. It was in a town called Maplewood so you can already picture how adorable it was. Chooch gave him directions there since he was hoarding Henry’s phone for Pokemon reasons, and that was hilarious because Henry HATES not being in charge of directions. We had to drive through some really nice and upscale areas to get to this place, and it was a nice change from the bail shop-lined streets and boarded-up windows near our “hotel.”

I had a breakfast wrap and a fruit cup that was…actually good. I was anticipating a cracked-cup with like, 4 grapes and two slivers of hard and flavorless cantaloupe, but no! It was a grand variety of pineapples and melons and berries. Chooch got chocolate chip pancakes and couldn’t finish so Henry and I grudgingly helped him.

(The pancakes were good too and I am such a Persnickety Pancaker.)

I don’t know what Henry got.

Meat.

The street that Maple Leaf was on definitely looked like some place I’d frequent if I lived in the area: lots of cute little boutiques and casual restaurants, almost had a seaside-vibe to it.

We had briefly considered going back to NYC for the day but all I kept thinking about was something going awry and us not making it back in time for the concert that night. I was too nervous and superstitious to chance it, and we figured we could always just visit again when we’re back in Newark for the BTS concert in September. That being decided, I whipped open my trusty Roadside America app and, after Henry vetoed 85 of my suggestions, we settled on the Morris Museum in Morristown, NJ because they have a large Guinness-owned music box exhibit.

And you peeps know how much me loves me music boxes! (Sorry, I just got done doing Lucky Charms commercial porn voice-overs for me my side gig.)

But first, we had some time kill before the museum opened so we drove out to Staten State Park so I could see the Statue of Liberty but from a SAFE DISTANCE because I’m terrified of her.

Don’t ask, OK? This isn’t a motherfucking AMA.

(LOL j/k. Please ask me anything you want, anytime! I am starving for interaction.)

Who knew some park in NJ would have such a great view? Anyone with a basic knowledge of maps and geography. Duh.

The first picture I took, Chooch was flipping off Lady Liberty and I was like, “Chooch! It’s not her fault, it’s Trump’s!” and he was like, “Oh yeah” and then admitted that I was starting to make him feel scared of the Statue of Liberty too. THE BEST MOM.

For as sweltering as it was that day, it really was nice to take a leisurely stroll next to whatever that water is. Chooch and I ganged up on Henry as usual and I almost peed my pants, so that was cool.

Seriously, though! HARROWING. Even as a kid, I never had any desire to visit her. Can you still go inside her?! Henry said he didn’t think so, but I unsubscribed from the Statue of Liberty newsletter back in the 90s so I’m way out of the loop.

I can’t remember if I already posted these but it’s me and my fam and we don’t take many group pics so deal with it.

\

Chooch is That Guy who wears last year’s festival shirt to this year’s festival. I was going to make some kind of uppity Coachella comparison but then I remembered that no one wears COTTON T-SHIRTS to Coachella. They’re all made of FOIL and BANANALEAVES.

Right?

(To be fair, when I went to Coachella in 2004, those stupid ruffle skirts that Paris Hilton always wore back then that were super popular so almost every girl was wearing one of those and like, a bikini top and Uggs. I can’t even remember what I wore because: rage blackout. But it definitely wasn’t that.)

After getting our fill of The Great Outdoors, we headed some other direction* to Morristown.

*(LOOK THIS ISN’T THE MAPQUEST BLOG OK.)

I received a Pro Tip from the Roadside America app: everyday at 2PM, there is a LIVE DEMO in the music box and animaton gallery, so we planned our arrival around this.

Admission was very reasonable. $10 for us adults and $7 for Chooch. After I gave her my clearly-not-NJ zip code, the girl at the desk asked me where I heard of the museum.

“Roadside America,” I said over top of the melancholy melody of Henry’s sigh.

“Oh!” she said, “that’s cool.” She seemed moderately intrigued by this but also kind of sad that I didn’t say, like, Mr. Roger’s or something.

Anyway, please enjoy some glimpses inside the Morris, which out to be an extremely worthwhile visit!

Chooch and I are obsessed with Burger art now. And not just for the nudity!

LOL @ Henry pretending like he cares about art. I wonder if he ever did any fingerpaintings for his mom when he was in THE SERVICE?! I just called him in the room to ask him and he walked away without answering so the clear answer here is NO HE MADE MACARONI ART.

When the museum has it all.

We headed over to the Guinness exhibition about 30 minutes before the live presentation was slated to start and I was immediately enraptured. My grandparents’ house was full of music boxes of all sorts — none of the super elaborate ones, but they had a nice collection of inlaid music boxes from Sorrento and Zurich; it was one of the many things they liked to collect. Not to mention the more traditional one in the Clown Room that played Send in the Clowns, natch.

This particular collection was donated by the estate of Murtogh Guinness—yes, of THAT Guinness family. He developed a love for music boxes of all types at an early age, after his mom gave him one as a gift. (OMG what types of things is Chooch going to start hoarding?!) He also collected automaton, moving mechanical devices made in imitation of a human being. Right up my alley!

Oh, to have this in my house!

There were several parts of the exhibit that were interactive and hands-on, so Chooch and Henry were busy.

This one was my favorite!!

Anyway, the curator started the presentation precisely at 2 and it was wonderful. He was extremely knowledgeable and even if I didn’t have any prior interest to things of this nature, I think I still would have been captivated. I mean, even Henry seemed like was paying attention and not looking at his Pinterest app.

Chooch kind of zoned out but he’s 12 and he sucks, so.

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I wanted to talk to to the curator afterward to see if he’s ever been to the Bayernhof, but one of the guys in the small group that had gathered for the show (THERE’S ALWAYS ONE) was glued to his side afterward, yakking his ear off about calliopes so I eventually gave up. Thanks, Guy.

Chooch was happy because he got to use a hole puncher and make a song.

Before we left, we went into the basement, where you can view part of an additional 700+ items left by Mr. Guinness. That’s a double-stuffed nightmare for some people, but I was like licking the glass.

No I wasn’t, that’s unsanitary.

Highly recommend this place if you’re ever in the area! Just try to plan to be there at 2 for the free show!

Afterward, we were going to get ice cream but the place Chooch chose (because there was a Pokemon there or something) was in a super sketchy area (because it was close to our “hotel” lol), really dark inside, and definitely a front so we pocketed the ice cream idea for later.

AND THAT WAS THE FIRST HALF OF OUR SUNDAY IN NOT-NEWARK.

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After the fun we had at last year’s KCON concerts, I vowed that we would get better seats next year. Not any of those insane packages or whatever, but just one level better.

And I was fully prepared to do just that but then ONE WEEK BEFORE KCON TICKETS WENT ON SALE, BTS TICKETS WENT ON SALE. I honestly didn’t think we would even be able to do both, assuming I could even get BTS tickets. But then by some stroke of Kpop fate, I scored 2 BTS tickets and since they were so high up and still face value, they were pretty reasonably priced. But, not free, which is what they would have had to have been for us to even consider getting KCON upgrades, haha.

So, we were back up in our P3 seats again this year (which is actually very close to where we’ll be sitting for BTS in the fall) and it was fine, more than fine, because I didn’t think we would even be able to go! I felt very grateful.

And, with the exception of G-Dragon, I don’t need to be down there by the stage getting showered in Kpop sweat – this lifestyle is way too rich for my blood at times and I’m more than context looking down from the arena heavens!

Before dropping us off at the Prudential Center like a good Papa H, we had dinner at Top’s Diner, which I found on Yelp and thought it was going to literally be a diner but then we walked in and it was totally pimped out inside! There was a really nice bar/lounge area, and then the rest of the dining area was like Upscale Diner themed.

We had a great waitress and I had a LOVELY Cuban coffee, oh mami, it was so fucking good and I wish I had one in front of me right now because that would certainly help me write this faster. I’ve never had a Cuban coffee before and I can’t believe I wasted so much time. Now I have to research cafes in Pittsburgh to see if I can a fix anywhere.

Anyway, I had a very decent veggie burger here but it was so hearty that I had to take half of it to go, which is good because I knew without a doubt that I would be hungry post-concert and the one thing our shitty hotel actually had was a mini fridge. Hard to believe. But, I guess the regulars need a place to keep their 40s cool.

Three cheers for Tops! I’ll have to remember this for the next time we’re in Newark, which unfortunately will be once a year if we continue going to KCON unless they finally find a way to actually move it to NYC.

Coleslaw was not great, though.

Doors were supposed to be at 6:30 so that’s when we got to the Prudential Center, but of course it was a typical clusterfuck of disorderly lines, confusion, and literally no signage to direction from staff members. Why, KCON, why you do dis? This is the 8th (I think?) annual KCON at this point and you would think by now they would have this down to a science. But instead everyone was asking each other which line they were in and the most popular answer was “no idea, dawg.”

Chooch and I got in the first line we could find an end to, and it was so fucked up because it snaked around so many times that we were actually starting out facing the opposite direction of where the entrance was.

I’ll spare you the nail-biting details, but we were in line for nearly an hour (the concert was slated to start at 7:30 so that wasn’t a heart-stopper or anything) and fucking RAN to our seats once we got inside, just narrowly making it on time. There were still a lot of people out there too once the concert started so that’s really shitty and uncool. I don’t know who’s at fault here, KCON of the Prudential Center staff, but that shit’s gotta change. Part of the benefit of having seats is that you don’t have to camp out to make sure you get a good spot, but even still, if we had arrived any later than we had, we would have missed part of the pre-show. We should have been able to roll up at like 7:15 and just go inside, it was so absurd.

Also, a big Fuck You to the people who bring actual backpacks into those places because that holds the line up so much! WHY DO YOU NEED SO MUCH STUFF?!

The highlight of the line was probably when Chooch saw some girl with some stackable Bambi plushes and he yelled, “I LOVE BAMBI!” at her. She smiled nervously. I guess it was like the time I rushed up to some broad at Riot Fest one year to scream, “I LOVE EMAROSA!” because she was wearing an Emarosa shirt. She was like, “Oh! You startled me.”

That’s…that’s what I do.

Here we are, getting ready for the show, lightsticks in hand!

Guys, day one had a stacked line-up:

• Straykids
• Heize
• PENTAGON!!!!!!!
• Red Velvet!
• SUPER JUNIOR!

I will try to summarize this as succinctly as possible because I know I can get super word-slutty. So I will give you a quick description of each group/artist and post a video for each one, cool? And it will be the official KCON videos, because trust me, mine are awful and I only recorded 30-60 seconds of each group for my own weird sentimental benefits.

Let’s KCON!

1. Stray Kids: Prefacing this with “they were formed on a singing survival show” is kind of dumb because that’s how a ton of kpop groups are formed. But nevertheless, they were formed on a reality show called, well, Stray Kids. They’re on JYP Entertainment which is also home to two of our fave groups, Twice and Got7, so needless to say, this group is tight. I only knew two or three of their songs going into this and Chooch didn’t know any, but by the time they were done, we were both sold. It’s hard not feeding off the crowd’s energy and getting effing hyped, you know?! I love kpop fans so much.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o44vMCW81Bk

Except for the people behind us. The one, and I started noticing this about 30 minutes, sounded like puberty-pinnacle Peter Brady screaming at the Korean pop music show. At first I was like, “Haha, that’s cute, but I hope they stop doing that after this song.” NOPE. NEVER STOPPED. THEY SOUNDED LIKE A BROKEN FIRE ALARM. And then Chooch was getting mad because he said it smelled like someone behind him was shitting and I’m not saying it was the same person but I’m also not saying it wasn’t the same person.

Still, a minor complaint considering we were treated with such talent all night!

2. Heize: She is not only super fucking beautiful, but she is an extremely talented singer-songwriter. She even self-produces a lot of her own music. She was the only solo artist in the bill this year (last year it was Zion-T) so you know she has huge appeal in this market. And had these subtle, metallic shimmers in her hair that were so cool. I want to be like Heize. :(

3. Pentagon: Guys, I have gushed about them on here before and if there is one group from night one’s line-up that I would stress for anyone reading this to listen to, it’s these boys. I am rooting for them SO HARD. They WRITE THEIR OWN SONGS, and have even written songs for other groups, and they just want people to recognize them for this. When this song debuted last April, I was hooked from the start. Like, 15 seconds in, I knew I was going to watch it 785457 more times that day and learn all their names and read the lyrics and learn the dance (lol, try to anyway). My favorite is E’Dawn, and you probably already know which one he is, but if not, he’s the one that starts out alone on the outer stage with the conductor stick-thing. These guys are no one-hit wonders; they have a bunch of jams in their repertoire (I recommend “Runaway” and “Like This”) but here is a video of them performing my favorite, Chooch’s favorite, and everyone’s favorite:

4. Red Velvet: KCON skimped on the girl groups this year but the ones they gave us more than made up for it. Red Velvet are QUEENS, you guys. They were one of the first girl groups I really got into when I started doing kpop workouts (lol) and I remember being obsessed when I first saw the video for “Dumb Dumb” because it was sooooo quirky. I had some of their videos on at Blake & Haley’s baby shower last year and my friend Kara had to leave the room because she said they were creepy and I wouldn’t go that far but OK. Anyway, they’re on SM Entertainment, which is the #1 kpop agency, a freaking behemoth. Everything that comes out of SM is gold (*cough*SHINee*cough*) and it was such a huge deal to finally get to see these five girls. One of them, Wendy, is American, and when she sang a few lines from Alicia Keys’ “Empire State of Mind,” the hairs on my arms stood up, hoisted themselves out of their follicles, and then walked away, a’quiver. SANG, GIRL, SANG. Sorry, but you get two videos for this one, and the first is when they treated us to Bad Boy with the second half all in English!

5. Super Junior! They were the headliners of the night one, and for good reason: they are fucking iconic in the kpop world! I already wrote about them about here, so I’ll spare you the reiteration. Chooch and I were so excited when they made their grand entrance, and I think it’s safe to say that the tens of thousands of other people there were just as hysterical over it as us! Here you go guys, bask in the legendary greatness that is SUJU:

Henry was so jealous that he missed this!

And as a bonus, here’s a medley they did of their three most popular jams!

In addition to all of this, each group also participated in fan engagements, and there were two special stages: one was a duet with Seulgi from Red Velvet and Yesung from Super Junior, and one was a shared stage with Stray Kids and Pentagon. The whole event just flows seamlessly from one stage to the next so sorry if you have to go to the bathroom, there is no down-time!

I think my favorite part of KCON is looking over and seeing Chooch going ham with his lightstick or capturing his favorite parts of songs on his phone, and smiling through the whole thing. Oh my god, what a great fucking night. And we still had five more groups to see the next night!

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Today is Friday. Here are five things I’ve been happy about this week, I guess:

1. This Korean art I bought in Insadong that Henry finally hung up for me before it ended up breaking from all the sitting around it did on the dining room table (“OMG just do it yourself” blah blah blah says my anti-fan club, lol):

2. Drinking Copious Amounts of Water

Yes, my waterjug-chug-a-lug’ing is going strong but I have had to answer to pretty much every single person who spies it on my desk (I mean, it does kind of stand out). Like YES I AM DRINKING THIS PLUS SOME EVERYDAY. I’ll tell you, when it’s in your face like that, it really isn’t very challenging and I sure do feel a lot better for it. Did you know that some hydration authorities say you should drink one ounce for every pound you weigh?!

3. Special Delivery from My Mom!

After work today, my mom stopped over with some stuff from Trax Farms (fun fact, you locals: I’m related to the Trax family). Like vegetables and stuff, and then a Jurassic World blanket for Chooch because HE GETS EVERYTHING. J/K. I didn’t also want a Jurassic World blanket. I want, I don’t know, a Taemin blanket probably. Anyway! My mom also brought over lunch meat (ugh Henry) and cheese. “OMG SHE GAVE US TOO? OH SHE IS SO NICE!” like this is an orphanage and now he gets to put a cheese-cap on his nightly porridge for a special treat. As he was dramatically gnashing on a slice of provolone, he said very seriously, “Colby is good, but provolone if my forever favorite.” Meanwhile, Henry was all butt-hurt, whining about how he buys cheese too, like he’s going to turn this into some competitive grocery shopping thing.

She also got us corn!! I love corn! Except that I won’t eat it on the cob, I make Henry scrape it off me so it falls onto a plate like puzzle pieces. I had braces for 8 years and grew accustomed to eating my corn this way, you guys. I was telling Carrie about this at work last week and she informed that there are kitchen tools for this very act; I looked on Amazon and she’s right! THEY’RE CALLED CORN STRIPPERS!!!!.

4. Speaking of Taemin!!

I was challenging myself to not post this video on here because I know my Kpop gushing is nauseating for most/all, but Taemin was on this Korean show called The Call, where artists are paired up and collaborate together. I watched this video in the car on the way home from Newark last week and it has been in my head EVERY DAY since. It’s a collab between Taemin and rapper BeWhy and it’s a real wig-snatcher. (Lol, I hate that saying.)

5. Halfway to Holiday World!

One thing that always pulls me out of a summer numbness (I was going to be cute and call it a Summer Number but then I was like, “hey that looks familiar, oh right, because ‘number’ is already a word” and now I’m dwelling on the fact that when you add an “er” to the end of “numb,” the “b” suddenly becomes unsilent. ENGLISH, WHY U DIS WAY?!) is going to amusement parks! I have Henry half-convinced that we should go to Holiday World in Indiana. I tried to get him to take us there a few years ago when we went to Indiana Beach because my reasoning was, “They are both in Indiana” and then he showed me a map of Indiana and I was still like, “Ok…so?” So now, years later, I’m back on my Holiday World kick and he seems mildly interested because the route we would take puts us near Jungle Jim’s, a huge grocery store near Cincinnati known for it’s huge selection of international goods. The last time we were there, I was more into Romania than Korea so I didn’t focus on any of the k-goodness.

Also, I want to eat at Hyde’s! But all this talk about going to Indiana has made me daydream about the quaint little burger joint we went to when we were in town for Indiana Beach–Mr. Happy Burger!!! I think I just recently referenced this on here because I get obsessed and then re-obsessed.

Anyway, I’ve been all up in Henry’s ears about how “and then we can go to Mr. Happy Burger too!” and he is like “NO!” and I am like, “WHY?!” and he is like, “LITERALLY FOR THE SAME REASON I TOLD YOU WE COULDN’T DO INDIANA BEACH AND HOLIDAY WORLD AT THE SAME TIME – THEY ARE ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE STATE!” and then he has to re-show me a map of Indiana which I just blink at and say, “So?

”

We’ll see how far I get with this hackneyed scheme. Shooting for August. FINGERS CROSSED!!! I want to ride on holiday-themed rides and go hog-wild in Santa Claus, Indiana!

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Do people still say “crunk”? I hope not. But if they do (and it’s probably soccer moms from Boise who just discovered Lil Jon and are trying to be ‘hip’), I’ll have them tell you that my July 4th was not crunk.

It wasn’t bunk, either, though.

It was…middle of the road.

Mild.

Perfectly alright.

It’s hard to get all patriotic when the current administration is making me embarrassed to be American, but that’s a writing I will save for my political thesis that I’m writing for one of my classes in the secret socialist college I’m attending in the basement of the Smiling Moose.

I HAVE ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH.

We didn’t have any plans for the day, a combination of being still broke from our KCON weekend and it being 98 degrees outside. If there wasn’t the promise of a swimming pool involved, I wasn’t going, I’ll tell you that much. But then Chooch ended up going to Kennywood with his second family: Blake, Haley, and Calvin. Henry and I opted out because, again, THAT HEAT, THO.  Chooch and I have season passes. He’s gone twice already, which made the price of a season pass for him worth it, but I still haven’t gone AT ALL so I’m kind of panicked about that, like maybe I should just go tonight for an hour after work!? WHAT TO DO…..!

This meant that Henry and I had to spend the day together alone which was gross, j/k, it was OK. I was crabby in the morning because sometimes I get off on starting fights over the breakfast that didn’t make me because I purposely only asked him to make it in my head and then I get so outraged when HE DIDN’T READ MY MIND WHY ARE MEN THE WORST.

Henry: You have anger issues.

Me: I KNOW. ITS CALLED EXPLOSIVE ANGER DISORDER. I WAS DIAGNOSED.

Like how does he forget these things

But Henry was like, “No, this day isn’t going down like this” so he took extra measures to placate me, like by sitting with me and watching Korean dramas and then taking me for an ICE CREAM LUNCH.

When you’re adults, you can do that shit.

We went to Page Diary Mart which is a local softserve hot spot. Lately, all I ever really want is soft serve, so I appreciate when a place offers more than just  the vanilla and chocolate staples. And Page’s is super well-known for their blueberry softserve which has real blueberries in it and doesn’t have that artificial taste to it, either, like those places that are like TRY OUR 50 DIFFERENT FLAVORS OF SOFTSERVE! but then they’re just adding some kind of weird syrup to it and it usually tastes synthetic.

Because it is.

I asked for rainbow sprinkles and it wasn’t until hours later when I really started to dwell on this.

“They gave me patriotic sprinkles when I asked for rainbow and I think that’s pretty brazen to assume I celebrate the 4th of July!” I shouted, to which Henry calmly replied, “Maybe that’s all the sprinkles they had.”

STOP WHITE-KNIGHTING EVERYONE, HENRY!!

Regardless, that cone was just what I needed on that grossly hot day, even though I had to eat it almost too fast to enjoy it.

Henry got the raspberry almond torte sundae and don’t you worry, I sure did help him eat this. Also, it looks like he’s smelling a fart in this picture.

JUST LIKE JOEY TRIBBIANI.

After our ice cream date (lol), I convinced Henry to park somewhere on the Southside, no not so we could have car sex and get murdered by a serial killer, but because I have this app called Job Spotter and it’s so dumb but basically you take pictures of hiring signs and the storefronts of the businesses looking for help and submit it to this app and you get points based on the quality of the picture, how many times it’s already been submitted, etc. Each point equals one cent which goes into your “wallet” and can be redeemed for an Amazon gift card at any time. I started using it sometime in May because it gives me something to do when I’m walking around and I’ve slowly accumulated $41 in my “wallet,” lol. The most points I ever got for one of my submissions was 109, and most are between 40-70 so you really have to submit a lot.

Anyway, I was like, “LET’S DO SOME JOB SPOTTER’ING” and Henry was like, “Oh great” because he’s embarrassed to be seen with me when I’m looking like a tourist taking the most boring pictures. It’s fun for me because people usually wait until I’m done and then look around to see what I was taking pictures of.

Anyway, I got a bunch of points on Carson Street and Henry was, “Was this really worth getting heat stroke, though?”

Um, yes. Dumb question.

Later, Henry and I walked to Eat n Park because it was TOO HOT TO BE IN THE KITCHEN according to Henry.

While we were there, The Sundays “Here’s Where the Story Ends” came on and some older woman at the booth behind us started singing along and I just had the biggest rush of FEELINGS because I can’t remember the last time I heard that song but it was definitely ages ago and ITS THAT LITTLE SOUVENIR, BLAH BLAH BLAH LA LA LA.

“You always hear songs here that bring back memories for you,” Henry said, and I couldn’t tell if he was just making an obvious observation or if he was like, “I AM SAYING THIS BECAUSE IT’S ANNOYING AND ALWAYS COMES WITH A STORY.”

Seriously though that Eat n Park plays the best music, which is great because their food is mediocre and their service is inconsistent, so it’s good that they have one thing going for them.

Rainbow on the way home!

And then I found this old Pocket Rocker tape on top of my refrigerator which seemed random at first but I think several years ago, OK probably 10, I went on this kick where I was yearning for a Pocket Rocker because it was one of my favorite childhood toys and I found one on eBay because of course eBay would have it and so I bought it without hesitating and it came with this sweet-ass Tiffany tape and also the Jets too if I remember correctly.

Henry thinks that the Pocket Rocker is “around somewhere” but he made no moves to find it so instead I made him watch an hour long block of Tiffany and Debbie Gibson videos. SHOULDA LOOKED FOR THAT FUCKING POCKET ROCKER WHEN I ASKED, HANK.

Me: Who did you like better, Tiffany or Debbie?

Henry: I don’t know.

He didn’t even THINK about it, though.

I was excited to hear “Could’ve Been for the first time since probably back when it was popular, back when girls sang with their own natural voices instead of forcing themselves to sound “different,” *cough cough HALSEY cough cough*. Oh, try-hards.

I personally liked Tiffany better because she seemed edgier, like a girl who was more likely to run away at 16 and date an older man. But then Debbie’s Electric Youth video came on and I was overcome with nostalgia because that shit was the jam. Remember when I was in 5th grade and played Zsa Zsa Gabor for an interview in Mrs. Madden’s class? Well, one of the other groups was my friend Amy who was Debbie Gibson and Brandy was the reporter interviewing her about her new Electric Youth perfume. Man, I wanted that perfume so bad and for a girl who pretty much had everything growing up, it was always the little shit like that my mom was always like, “Lol no” when I asked for it. AND THOSE ARE THE THINGS I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER.

Also, Elisabeth H. had a birthday party sleepover in 5th grade and I remember this vividly because I was laying underneath a pool table with, I BELIEVE JAIME McC., and I admitted that I had a crush on Scott S.* and she was like, “Ew why” and now I too am like, “Ew why.” Anyway, Elisabeth gave away cassingles (!!!!) as party favors and one of them was Electric Youth and that’s the one I wanted but instead I got Kylie Minogue’s “Locomotion.”

Ugh.

You better believe I paused the Debbie Gibson video marathon to tell Henry this story and he said, “I like how all of your stories start with something about you having a crush” and I think this is a bit hyperbolic, Henry, because it’s probably only every other one.

*(Fun fact: the last time I used the full name of one of my crushes on this blog, someone who used to work with him stumbled upon it 8 years later and left a comment that had subtle threatening vibes by saying he was going to send the link to him to see what he thought of it and by the time I realized what was going on, my stats had SPIKED hardcore and it was all traffic for that one blog post so I panicked and made it private and if you’re wondering if I’m still shook about it, the answer it this just happened last month so yes, lol.)

Somehow, someway, I was reminded of the Rainbow Brite movie through all of this (lol I know exactly why, it was because one of the Debbie Gibson videos, for a split second, sounded like the way Rainbow Brite sang the word ‘rainbow’ in the song THERE’S A RAINBOW INSIDE OF YOU) so god bless YouTube, we spent another 30 minutes listening to Rainbow Brite songs and Chooch at one point came in the room, shook his head and left.

“Don’t you remember this!?” I cried to Henry, who was like, “NO!!!” because this was probably the year he was in the Service, getting a Vicks VapoRub hand job by some Taiwanese prostitute at a back table in a bar in Japan and he will tell you fervently that this never happened THEN WHY DID HE TELL ME ABOUT IT ONCE 15 YEARS AGO DID HE THINK I WOULD FORGET?!

But really though, what a great day! Exhausting day overall though, because of the heatwave. At one point I said, “I think I have…sun disease. Heat burn…what’s it called?”

One of those things! We all looked like Drew by the end of the night:

ETA: Great, I let that Tiffany video play again when I went to get the link to put it in on here, and now Madonna’s “Live To Tell” is on and I’m sobbing out of nowhere?! 1980s Madonna was the Best Madonna.

Now I need to listen to This Used to Be My Playground because that shit to make me cry so hard as a kid like I suddenly had adult feelings and hadn’t just finished playing RBI with my brother Ryan on our basement Nintendo. (I used to always choose a Canadian team so both National Anthems would play and he would get so angry lol.)

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Waiting for Henry to Get Breakfast at Dunkin’ Donuts Because We Ate in the “Hotel” Without Him selfie. 

I’ve been putting off writing this post because I’ve got some beefaroni with KCON. It was still a good time, don’t get me wrong, but I think that we were spoiled last year so when they changed things up this year, it felt like having the rug pulled out from under our feet.

But first, here is a quick explanation of what KCON is in case you don’t know and are like, “OK but what is KCON.” This is what I do sometimes when I’m trying to redeem myself as a “blogger” – be informative like Wikipedia but with less fact-checking and more typos.

So, KCON is a big Korean-centric convention focusing on K-culture, K-beauty, K-beauty, and most importantly KPOP. Let’s be real, we go for the kpop. There are two KCONs in the US every summer: one in “New York” which is actually Newark but they have to pretend like it’s New York in order to get the big names to agree to come here. The other is later on in the summer in LA and that one is way better than the NY one but Henry is like, “LOL no” every time I suggest we should book a flight.

For NY, it’s a two-day ordeal at the Prudential Center in Newark. During the day, the convention fills up two parking lots and there are Korean food vendors, K-beauty stalls, kpop merch, booths giving away snacks, and tents set up for various panels to take place. At night, there is a big concert inside the Prudential Center, sponsored by MNET Music Countdown, which is an actual countdown show filmed weekly in Korea. Tickets for the concert are exorbitant, and it gets more and more expensive if you want to tack on additional perks, like getting to attend the red Carprt event, getting to participate in a Hi-Touch (more on that in a bit), and obviously getting to stand on the floor by the stage. We’re talking over a grand for this shit, though.

I took this picture when Henry was inside a bank using an ATM. It’s my favorite mirror ever. NO I DON’T HAVE BODY IMAGE ISSUES, YOU DO.

The convention is an additional $20 for both days and last year we walked away with so much swag and prizes that it was more than worth it for us. I know this is going to make me sound like a greedy little entitled bitch, BUT WE BARELY  GOT ANYTHING THIS TIME. (We all did get a KCON totebag though.) Also, last year, anyone who registered for the convention portion of the weekend got several scratch offs for an opportunity at a Hi-Touch or to be in the audience for a Fan Engagement. What these things are additional perks that are guaranteed for those who pay for the platinum or gold tickets, but the rest of us plebes at least got a chance.

I ended up getting to go inside and stand in the audience for Up10tion’s fan engagement last year, and it was really cute because they played charades and answered some fan questions, etc. And then the Drama Fever tent was offering more changes if you posted pictures on Instagram using their hashtag and then spinning a wheel. By doing that, I won a HI-TOUCH for KNK!

Speaking of, here’s A BIG LOW: NO DRAMAFEVER BOOTH THIS YEAR?!

You can read about my experience with that here, but the gist is that a Kpop group will stand on a stage behind a table and then the hi-touch winners get to file past them, gently brushing their hands with your own hand. It sounds so ridiculous and I was like “hur hur, this is going to be so lame I can’t believe I’m doing this as a woman in her late 30s” but then it was my turn and I walked out of that room totally shook, and kept stuttering, “They were so beautiful” over and over for the rest of the weekend.

Well friends, KCON realized that they could make more money off of these events so now, in addition to the super-inflated ticket packages, they offered additional fan engagement packagaes, starting at $45. Some of them only came with A CHANCE of winning whatever, but the one thing they all had in common is that you couldn’t choose which group you wanted. So you potentially could be spending so much more money only to wind up with a fan engagement for a group you don’t even care about.

This is why people walk around the convention all day holding up signs for fan engagement trades.

So right there, that was one pretty big low for us. Not having that frantic, hand-quivering scratch-off moment was sad because it was such a fun part of KCON Last year. We paid $20 for a convention and they didn’t even give us, like, a sticker. Or a button. A peppermint would have been nice, too.

A highlight was that now they had the area around the Prudential Center more blocked off with security set up at every entrance so that we only had to have bags searched once instead of every single time we wanted to visit a different part of the convention (there are two big parking lots with only one way in, so you have to get your wristband scanned each time you enter). Last year, it was a big hassle, especially after we started to accumulate more stuff. So that was nice to be able to get in to the different sections with more ease.

The first thing we did was some clusterfuck of a photo zone, where you had to go to all four areas, take your picture, post them all on social media, and then go to some table and show the guy that you did it. Then he let you draw a ball out of a bucket for a chance at fan engagements.

IT TOOK FOREVER TO DO THIS BECAUSE EACH ONE HAD A LINE.

Also my hair looks like shit because the hairdryer in our “hotel” was broken so air-dried hair for me.

Anyway, we did not win. I was pretty irritated about this.

More lows: All the good stuff was crammed under a big tent in one of the lots. The Lotte booth, the McDonald’s booth, the Bibigo booth which was handing out amazing samples last year, the Melona booth, various kpop merch booths…all of these things were under the tent and the lines were outrageous and intermingled so you never knew what line you were in and you couldn’t move and it was enough to send even the most extroverted person into shut-in mode. Literally, I felt like so many people were breathing on me and I couldn’t handle it, especially when I was standing in line to spin the wheel at the Melona booth and some girl asked me which line was to purchase the Melona bars and the big mouth white girl behind me took it upon herself to bellow the answer into the back of my head and I was pretty much done at that point.

SIDE BAR: Other than that one girl though, everyone else was fine. It’s really nice getting to be surrounded by tons of people who share a love for all things Korea when you typically get mocked for it on a daily basis! And my general observation for the past two years is that people here aren’t jerks. You don’t get pushed or shoved or glared at. Everyone is polite and friendly and wanting to make friends with other stans of their favorite groups. So I would say “the attendees” is another high.

Last year, everything was more spread out. But that particular lot was mayhem because it also had the KCON stage (a small stage set up for artist interviews, dance performances, etc. throughout the day) so there was always a decent crowd for that and it bled right into the MASSIVE line for official KCON merch because they ONLY HAD ONE BOOTH. You guys, I stood in that line for AN HOUR later on in the day, because I kept thinking that the later I waited, the shorter the line would be, but NO it was ALWAYS THAT LONG.

We never even got any Bibigo samples because everything inside that fucking tent was such a cluster.

We did take some pictures at whatever this thing was, which was cool because I love Pentagon and Chooch loves GOT7.

Chooch won these light-up glasses from some State Farm lady while I was in line for a free makeup sample.

So many lines.

Melona bars are so good! Chooch spun the wheel and won a Melona toothbrush which is a toothbrush in a case that looks just like a melon Melona bar and I was so mad because he was all, “I hope we don’t win the toothbrush” but I WANTED to win the toothbrush, so when he won it I was like, “Yay, gimme!” but he all of a sudden changed his tune and decided this was a grand prize and then suggested THAT WE SHARE IT!?

Um ew, you can have it.

Right after this, Chooch and I were standing in line to enter a contest for Asiana Airlines and Chooch’s preteen ‘tude began to rub me the wrong way and then Henry meandered over and exacerbated the situation and I can’t even remember what the impetus was at this point but I exploded and we all had a Big Fight and then Henry was like I AM LEAVING AND NOT JUST TO GO BACK TO THE HOTEL* I AM GOING BACK TO PITTSBURGH.

*(LOL@HOTEL)

Somehow, this made Chooch and I resolve our blood feud with one knowing glance, and by doing so, we teamed up against Henry who suddenly became THE ENEMY. So while Henry stormed off to one of the exits, thinking Chooch and I were following him like we’re his puppies or something, we hung back and sat down on a wall, trying to figure out what to do.

Meanwhile, Henry texted me using regular text and not Kakao which was his way of illustrating the level of anger he was at because KAKAO IS JUST FOR FRIENDS.

“The Lyft will be here in 5 mon” his first text said.

And then: “min.”

LOL, what a loser.

“Let’s just stay,” Chooch said. “I want to go to the concert tonight. We can’t leave!” and then he flipped through the Convention program and said, “Here, let’s find something that you want to do” and that’s how we became Best Friends again and found ourselves under one of the tents in the lesser-populated areas, listening to three of my favorite YouTubers talk about meeting Kpop idols. And this was hilarious to me because I was never one who “had favorite YouTubers” until I became obsessed with Korea and now here I was, getting all emotional at seeing Jre, WhitneyBaeIRL, and HeyIt’sFei sitting at a table and talking to us.

Even Chooch was like *pulls out phone and records*.

Then we wrote on this big chalkboard wall because why wouldn’t we.

CAN  YOU TELL WHICH ONE IS MINE.

About an hour went by and Chooch and I were starting to get The Hunger so I was trying to decide if I wanted to continue to stand creepily near WhitneyBaeIRL while debating asking for a picture, or if I wanted to go back to the ATM near the flattering mirrored poles because food was cash only and Henry Warbucks took it all with me.

Just then, Chooch exclaimed, “Haha, look!” and pointed across the parking lot where HENRY was sadly lumbering around alone, camerabag around his body in the ultimate dad-fashion. OMG he looked like such a perv, like he was there solely to satisfy his Korean kink (OMG Chooch used this word the other day and I was like, “WTF CHOOCH” and he said, “What, would you rather I say festish?” Whhhyyyyyyyy), and we had to lean against a fence because we were laughing so fucking hard.

“He just walked by Terry TV!” I screamed, choking on laughter, at the sight of Henry walking past a big YouTuber and being blissfully unaware about it. Then Henry spotted us and meandered on over and we were like, “WOW SHOULDN’T THAT LYFT HAVE BEEN HERE 60 MON AGO?”

LOL@mon.

Henry tried to act like he only came back because we “needed” him even though neither of us called or texted him to come back, so.

Then we ate BiBimBoppers (fried balls with bibimbap inside, super good but we only got two for !!

) and tteokbokki  and I don’t know what Henry had, something on a stick. They were actually both still in their own respective lines (we split up accordingly to maximize efforts) when Super Junior took the KCON stage so I had to run over to that crazy lot alone just to see them.

By the time I got there, I had already missed most of it but it was cool to see them! In my head though I was like, “LOL, I was much closer to them in NYC.”

This particular tteokbokki was actually spicier than any of the kinds I had in actual Korea, and it was ALMOST too spicy even for me. Chooch couldn’t handle it and I couldn’t finish mine which is unheard of when it comes to my stomach and tteokbokki.

This was the only open space in this particular area and only because it was near the exit.

THEN PENTAGON CAME OUT ON THE KCON STAGE!! Out of all the groups in this year’s lineup, they were the ones I was most excited to see. I think they’re so fun and talented and exude a positive energy and mystique that draws me in and makes me want to learn more about then, which means watching videos called “4 minutes of Pentagon speaking in English” or “Pentagon showing their aegyo” or “Pentagon 2x dance compilation.”

Oh Kpop, you make it so hard to just be a part-time stan.

Papa H took this picture with the “good camera” which I didn’t know he was doing until I turned around and he had the look of “Gotta get these pics for my daughter” concentration on his face. Oh, Henry.

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Heize came out after that and it was really interesting learning more about her  because she low-key is an extremely talented singer-songwriter and she does a lot of self-producing as well. I know people tend to view Kpop as a super pre-manufactured industry and I can’t even get defensive about that because it really isn’t wrong, but there are some people who are true artists in every sense and take the reigns when it comes to the creative process. Pentagon is this way as well and it just makes me have mad respect. They even said that they want to be known as a group who writes their own songs, so now you guys know!

Another Big High was when we witnessed this kid dancing to Hyolyn’s Dally. I was like, “OMG THIS SONG RLY?” because the choreo is insanely provocative, complete with floor-humping, but yeah, he did that.

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I’d be remiss if I didn’t also mention this other Big High: while I was standing in the super long merch line (the girls behind me complimented me on my idol keychains and said they got excited when they saw that one is Jimin and I didn’t even mind that they were touching them that’s how happy I was to feel like I belonged somewhere), the kpop dance cover contest started up on  the KCON stage. I was happy that I was at least able to see that from the slow-moving line I was in because it was entertaining.

And then, while one of the dance groups was dancing to BTS’s “Fake Love,” the song stopped playing and there was a split second of WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN but then some people in the audience STARTED SINGING so that the dancers could finish their routine and I’d have to remove the “Honestly” from my blog name if I sat here and told you that I didn’t cry. It was so touching and inspirational! This video is really worth watching.

I was reading the comments and it’s all, “They didn’t even know the words though” and let me tell you something, I know very little of the Korean parts to even my FAVORITE, most-played Kpop songs. I’m not a big singer to begin with (I always do the monotone humming with random screamed words) and even if someone was like, “THINK FAST, FINISH THIS LYRIC TO A SUPER POPULAR SONG BY YOUR FAVORITE BAND THE CURE!” I would be like, “……………………………um……………………………” So it bothers me that there were so many negative comments attempting to overshadow what was a really beautiful moment shared by the Kpop community.

Then we saw my SUPER FAVORITE KOREAN YOUTUBER JOAN KIM at the Innisfree tent and we wanted a picture but got there too late and the Korean guys behind us were like super sad that they missed an opportunity but I was just as happy to snap a paparazzi shot from where I was standing and be done with it. Seriously though, watching Joan’s videos ended up sculpted a good bit of our Korea itinerary much to Henry’s chagrin, haha. He was NOT stoked to see her, yet he was the one that pointed her out earlier. “LOOK WHO IT IS” he said, trying to act like he didn’t care, but he sure did notice, didn’t he!?

It was about 4pm by this point, so we decided to skip the last 2 hours of the convention, go back to the “hotel” to freshen up, and then got some dinner before Chooch and I headed back to the Prudential Center for the concert. STAY TUNED FOR THAT RECAP! IT WAS SO GOOD! AHHH!!!

Here’s a special treat for those who made it to the end! Henry is going to tell you what he did when he bluffed and said he was GOING BACK TO PITTSBURGH (I wish you could have heard me say that just now in the voice I use to mock him).

I can’t remember exactly how the whole situation started, I’m sure I did not exacerbate the situation at all.

All I remember is walking away pissed off and ready to leave, which I did right out the gate and didn’t look back once. Once out of the gate, I brought up the Lyft app to get a ride back to the hotel, where I could get the car and drive back to Pittsburgh, instead I decided to go get something to eat instead since I was hungry, pretty sure that is why Erin blew up for absolutely no reason, hunger does that to her. After eating I went back in to the convention and walked around not looking for anybody in particular, especially the ones I came with. After a while we happened to run in to each other, actually they were creeping on a You Tuber and didn’t see me. Then tried to play it off like they were not worried about being left in Newark alone. I wouldn’t do that to Chooch. Wouldn’t do it Erin either, I love her too much!! Maybe next time Ill actually leave and teach her a lesson.

LOL ok, none of this is true and I just asked him where he allegedly ate and he said he ate “in a store”, so what, a Slim Jim and Zagnut?

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Henry sat here and watched all nineteen minutes of this with me without complaining or looking at his phone even once and the question is: is it because he loves me, or Taemin?!?

“Nineteen minutes out of my life,” he just murmured but he obviously felt obligated to say that lest anyone realize he’s way deep in this Kpop lifestyle.

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Boy, is this going to be an interesting blog post. It’s about SNACKS (three separate snack-related stories!) and WATER as the title suggests. Am I doing this blog-thing right or what?

1. Birthday Snacks

We have one birthday celebration every month here in my department which is mostly just an excuse to get a sugar high while pretending to like each other. (J/K we’re all friends here.) I’m one of the birthday babies for this month so the new admin lady, Margie, emailed me and the two other people I’m forced to share the limelight with this month to see if we have any preferences for birthday treats. One of the other recipients on this email is GLENN because he had the audacity to be born in July too (he’s not cool enough to be a Leo like me, though), so I replied and said that I like cookies and brownies, and that Glenn doesn’t get an opinion. Margie thanked me profusely for teaching her something new (that Glenn doesn’t count). I’m sure he will eat the cookies and brownies and like it.

I’m always happy to help a new co-worker learn the ropes.

2. You Can’t Sit At Our Snack Table

One of the many great things about the head of our department is that she spoils us, and I mean totally pampers us, with a snack table. Now, I’m not talking about pretzel sticks and Saltines, OK. She makes us feel like royalty with a spread that may include fancy Cheez-Its (those Duo things that have two flavors in each bag!), Fig Bars (like the hipster, Whole Foods version of Fig Newtons and so insanely good), good granola bars, fruit cups, single-serving bags of Chips Ahoy and Teddy Grahams, etc. Legit snacks. Snacks that serve as status symbols in elementary school lunch boxes.

All of the snacks sit on a table by the door to our department, and facing that table is Debby, who has taken on the role of Snack Sentry because this table sits right outside of a conference room that anyone from the firm can use, so we often have “visitors” on our floor. (See also: the guys that come down from other departments to poop in our mens room.)

Remember when that guy came down here and thieved a bagel and I was like HE IS SO LUCKY THAT DEBBY WASN’T HERE TO SEE THAT? Well, last week, another guy came down and wasn’t so lucky.

Allegedly, he had come to our floor to see someone who was not in their office at the moment, so on his way back out, he hovered over the snack table and treated it like a buffet, taking AT LEAST TWO THINGS.

“Oh hello, who are you?” Debby asked sweetly, but I have been working here for 8 years and knew that she was currently weaving a web with that honey dripping from her mouth.

“Blank from Blippity-Boo,” the man answered. (LET’S NOT GET FIRED, ERIN.)

“Oh hello, Blank from Blippity-Boo. Just so you know, those snacks are just for our department,” Debby answered, calm and calculated.

Now Blank was approaching her. Where was this going to go!?

“I was just down here to see [someone],” Blank said.

“OK, but those snacks are still just for our department,” Debby reiterated.

By this point, our whole quadrant was pin-droppingly silent, hands pulled back from keyboards, waiting with bated breath. I was half-slid under my desk in case this guy pulled out a potato gun or something, who knows. He may have been down this snack-standoff road before.

And then, completely unpredictably, HE ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED HIM TO PAY FOR THE SNACKS.

This guy REALLY wanted those snacks.

“No, I just want you to put them back,” Debby said calmly, which is where we differ because I would have taken the money. Also, I would have definitely just let him take the snacks and then told on him later.

And so the guy returned the snacks to  the table (sadly, I never did see what his choices were) and then mumbled, “Please tell [person] I was here to see her” and then we all waited until we heard the ding of the elevator before laughing our faces off at our desks and then Debby was worried she was going to get in trouble for being snack-stingy but someone’s gotta put the smack down on snack scavengers from other floors, amirite?

Also I think this is hilarious because I used to be such a little freaking candy pilferer at one of my old jobs but at least I waited until all the daylight people went home before raiding other spaces.

Snack Table Epilogue: This morning, one of the IT guys was on our floor helping Debby with her laptop and then he went over to get some vittles from that vixen of a snack table, and I braced myself because I like this IT guy a lot and didn’t want him to get yelled at, but Debby let it slide and told me later that she figured he’s been on our floor enough times that it was OK. I mean, he’s always down here fixing our computers so I would say if he wants a pack of peanut butter crackers, let the man eat, you know?

3. Snacks from the Sea

Before I left for KCON, I promised my work buddies that I would get some new K-snacks for the Pumpkin of International Horrors because we were going to stop at H-Mart on the way home. However, I forgot that H-Mart, of all Asian markets, is really lacking in the candy aisle. Most of the options were things that I have already brought in or things that were just too astronomically-priced (I have a price-cap on how much I’ll spend on that fucking pumpkin, OK).

One of the things I grabbed was what I thought was a bag of some sort of melon candy but then I got already back home to Pittsburgh and realized that I grabbed a bag that was in the wrong spot because what I actually bought was….

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.

Look, I love kelp. I love how it tightly bear-hugs rolls of kimbap. Dried laver sheets are my go-to snack. But the common factor here is: dried and savory. This kelp jelly was sweet and it’s not even that the flavor was horribly offensive, because it was very subtle (just a hint of sea, like the tag-line boasts up there), but it was the fact that the vehicle in which it was delivered was JELLY. It just felt wrong.

I brought them to work anyway and only told Lauren the secret flavor. She emailed me later and said she decided to try one and was OK until she got halfway through and couldn’t stop imagining that she was chewing on the ocean floor and had to spit it out.

I left one on Glenn’s desk while he was at lunch and the next day he was like, “THAT GREEN CANDY WAS DISGUSTING” except that it was less capslock-y and more monotone because Glenn’s volume doesn’t really ever vary.

So then I gave one to Todd but told him that it was one of the good chewy peanut things I also bought, and he was like, “But why is it green though” and I was like, “Because Korea, just eat it!” He was not a fan.

Lloyd loves them though! He said it reminds him of the kelp candy he used to eat as a kid where it was literally just dried kelp, already naturally salted, and then candied. The texture was brittle and dry, and THAT sounds like a kelp candy I could get down with it.

Speaking of Hmart, we grabbed some Korean pastries from the Tous les Jours bakery by the exit (basically a Korean twist on French pastries, cakes, macaron, etc and I miss those effing milk buns so much and all of the things stuffed with red bean, ugh) and G-Dragon was playing!

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4. The Jug

Anyone who has ever tried to lose weight knows the struggle, especially when you’re doing so well and then you just plateau seemingly out of nowhere. For me, this almost always happens in summer, which is crazy because winter is so often associated with rich, hearty comfort foods, but what it boils down to for me is that I just don’t drink enough water. I always thought this was a myth when I was younger, like how important could water possibly be (there are still openings in my online nutrition classes, just Paypal me 00).

But if I’m diligently logging the water I drink, I start to see results. However, I suck at that. For some reason, when we were coming home from Newark last week, I bought the biggest jug of water the gas station had in its cooler, in spite of Henry’s, “Really. REALLY?!”s and Chooch’s daring ribs of, “Lol, you’ll never drink all of that.”

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED MOTHERFUCKERS.

I did drink all of it, I’ll have you know. And then Saturday morning, I decided to try that again, because weekends are when I’m especially awful at drinking water, like I could go the whole day without drinking even a cup and would never notice until at the end of the night when I’m pissing for the first time and it’s dark orange.

So, Presidential Piss.

Yesterday, I was watching an episode of Why Not the Dancer when I started screaming because there was a scene where Taemin takes a break from working on his choreo and starts to chug-a-jug. “YOU GUYS IT’S JUST LIKE ME!” I cried and Henry was like, “That’s nice” and Chooch was seething because I had the audacity to lure him away from the computer just to show him that.

I MADE THIS:

Henry was like, “Oh wow, and it moves.”

Anyway, it’s in the 90s this week in Pittsburgh so I decided that I was going to take the jug to work with me because I need to stay hydrated. Henry was like, “Have fun with that, nerd” because I apparently look dumb lugging around this jug with me. As soon as I got to work, I was on the elevator with some girl from another floor. I could sense her side-eyeing me, judging me and my water jug that I had resting on my hip like a plastic gas station toddler, when she finally spoke.

“So, does that actually help you drink more water?” she asked, and at first I couldn’t tell if she was snarkin’ on my tactics, but it turns out she was genuinely curious and said, “Maybe I’ll try that, I really need to do SOMETHING” after we had a really nice convo about the Hydration Struggle. It was awesome! I texted Henry and he was like, “OMG.”

Here I am with my spirit animal Taemin in the background. #BigJugClub

Wendy saw the H2O vessel on my desk and yelled, “ARE YOU DRINKING OUT OF THAT?! I hate you.” And Sue seemed genuinely concerned that I might drown, to which I told her that becomes a real danger when I’m in the car and Henry is driving all jerkily.

Marlene and Debby caught me on my way back from my refill and Marlene was like, “THIRSTY MUCH” but then they were all GOOD FOR YOU without a shred of sarcasm when I explained what was going on and that was nice.

I was talking to Nate before I left for the day and he too commented on the size of my jug, which was back on my hip like I had just retrieved it from daycare. “How did you get anything done today!?” and the idea of wearing a diaper honestly did cross my mind at one point.

“I guess I didn’t think anyone would really notice,” I said to Henry after work.

“Really? You’re drinking out of  something that’s bigger than your head.”

I could tell that he literally meant my head, too, and not my ego.

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