Maybe you* can relate, but I have been caught in this frustrating cycle where I am home almost constantly and desperate for social interaction, but then when I think about scheduling any type of plans with anyone, I immediately feel exhausted and just resort to my shut-in tendencies. And then an hour I will complain about being bored and having no friends.

*(You know. You.)

I can’t tell if this the new COVID new, depression, winter, laziness, or all of the above, but last week I was determined to make plans and keep them. So I Kakao’d Janna and said, “let’s go to lunch this weekend” and she was like, “yes” and then I was like, “shit now we have to choose a place” and somehow, my random Yelp map travels lured me to the town of NEW EAGLE where a family restaurant by the name of HILLS RESTAURANT resides.

We’re not on this side all that often, but we do go out that way during haunted house season, and Chooch and I were just in that area last spring for GEOCACHING ugh. All I’m trying to say is that I have somehow never noticed this place in all the times I’ve driven on this road but of course HENRY knew what it was immediately and has even eaten there like 50 years ago which sounds like I’m exaggerating until you remember that Henry is, you know, many years my senior.

I don’t even know what made me click on it when I saw it on the Yelp map, but as soon as I saw pictures of the interior, I imprinted on this bitch immediately. So I sent it to Janna with prayer hands and she was like “yes let’s go here” and that is how normal people make plans, or so I hear.

The only downside was that it’s like 40 minutes away which is kind of weird to drive that far for just a basic lunch but sometimes you gotta just make a meal into an adventure, amirite?

We met there at 12:30 and I was lowkey acting like I was about to meet a blind date inside, that’s how anxious and giddy I was. “You go first,” I said to Janna who was probably just like *EYE ROLL* but I couldn’t see because I was behind her since I made her go first, remember.

Look at that cool tile!! I felt like I was in a subway station and I loved it. Also, we were the youngest diners, so that felt good, too.

LOOK AT HOW CHEERFUL THIS IS! I blurted out the same to the waitress as she was filling the cups. “I try to make sure they never match,” she said with a smile, and my heart was bursting.

Of course, I had to send photographical evidence of my coleslaw to Henry, who was back at home slagging away at projects lol. #PoorHenry says the studio audience in unison. 

Grilled Cheese check: look, I knew I wasn’t going to get a gourmet TOASTIE (that’s what they’re called in ENGLAND, isn’t it??) and am more often than not haunted by lousy diner grilled cheeses (um, the last time I went to Hyde’s in Cincinnati, it was literally two slices of baby-sized bread FOLDED OVER and the one half only had like a corner of a cheese slice on it –  you can kindly CLICK HERE to see a true life photo of that monstrosity. But I have been to Hyde’s enough at this point in my life to know that you don’t go to Hyde’s for a grilled cheese,  you go for the MOTHERFUCKING PIE, PEOPLE).

But the grilled cheese I received on my plate today straight from the HILLS KITCHEN was exactly the kind of grilled cheese I expect to get at an establishment like this. I know it’s going to be basic, but basic doesn’t mean skimpy, you know? And this grilled cheese was just right! The menu said it came on Texas toast and IT DID! I have ordered many falsely advertised grilled cheeses! And it had more than one slice of cheese, which was evenly melted under the bread. (The points  sticking out from the bread weren’t melted, but I didn’t mind.) And the tomato I requested as an add-on was a beefy boy! Yeah, I was please with this.

(Only downside was that the waitress didn’t bring us ketchup since neither of us ordered fries and I typically require a giant pool of the stuff on my plate so that I can dunk my grilled cheese into it before each bite, but I didn’t feel like calling the waitress over to ask for it. If my Pappap were still alive, he’d have dinged a knife against his water glass repeatedly to get her attention, just kidding, he only did that shit at Blue Flame because he was pals with all the waitresses and loved to eff with them lol.)

While we were still eating, the waitress came over and asked if we’d be having anything else, so I blurted out, “do you have coconut cream pie???” because the menu and website SAID THAT THEY DO and Janna and I both love CCP. (I have never called it that before but didn’t feel like spelling it out so instead I used an acronym and then spent all these letters forming words explaining the obvious. I am a Writer.)

“We have one slice left,” she said, not realizing that she was basically uttering the words that could end Janna’s and my friendship.

Janna and I looked at each across the table. “I’ll fight you for it,” I said, while Janna The Mature asked, “What else do you have?”

The waitress ran down the list and some of the other ones sounded good too so I brilliantly suggested that we order the coconut and another one, and then split each. 12 YEARS WORKING IN THE CONFLICTS DEPARTMENT, LADIES AND GENTS AND OTHERS.

“I’ll let you two decide and come back in a few,” the waitress said, realizing that she didn’t have time to stand there for this heavy discussion.

“OK, but save the coconut for us please!” I called after her, wondering if she could detect the coating of panic & desperation hanging on my voice.

A few minutes later, the waitress came back and asked if we decided. I asked Janna if she knew which other pie she wanted to get and Janna was like, “Should we just get the coconut and that’s it?” and I was like, “Oh. Ok. Sure,” but deep down I was like, “NO I AM A PIE PIG AND REQUIRE TWO SLICES IF WE ARE SHARING.” So we let the waitress walk away and then Janna IMMEDIATELY said, “Dammit, that raspberry cream one sounded good—-” and I was already crying out, “EXCUSE ME!” to the waitress so we could tack on the raspberry slice too. Crisis averted!!

Good thing too because the raspberry cream ended up being better than the coconut! Look, the coconut was fine, but it was not my favorite kind of coconut cream pie. I prefer the inside to be more of a whipped coconut filling and less pudding-y, and I definitely prefer my slice to be topped with a whipped wig, not a meringue mountain. To this day, I don’t think I have had a better coconut (literally have type cococunt every single time) cream pie than the ones served up at Grant’s in Millvale. That pie deserves its own TV show.

BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE BATHROOM AND ITS GOLD GLITTER SINK??

LOL.

Hills was decently busy when we arrived, but we stayed all the way up until they closed at 2 (two other old ladies did too!) like total rude asses. I blame Janna, who had to go to the bathroom. I had actually paid a few minutes prior to 2 but then had to STAND THERE AND WAIT FOR HER while the waitresses were like, “Cool thanks for finally leaving the table so we can clean up your mess now” but don’t worry I left a nice tip because what a great place with even better service.

We’re almost counter-sitting age! I bet a lot of old men have bitched to each other about their nagging wives while sitting on those stools and slurping down cups of black coffee.

Chooch would have been so stoked about the WIFI sign because that’s always the first thing he checks when we go to a restaurant.

Well, I think was a great lunch spot! I haven’t been to a restaurant since December (I’m still leery!) so I’m glad I broke my “eating out” strike for this place. Then, as I was about to get in my car to leave, Janna asked me some innocent question about NCT127 and it was like getting a POWER UP in Super Mario Bros. My brain, now flipping over to its Korean side, completely disregarded the original plan of “Lunch is over / get in car / drive home” and told my legs to walk back over to the sidewalk where Janna was standing.

“OK LET ME EXPLAIN HOW NCT WORKS” I said all breathily because talking about Kpop makes me get into HEAVY PANT MODE. So we were still having NCT class while all of the waitresses started to come out and leave. Then we were the only ones left in the parking lot and I’m sure Janna was like, “I WISH I HADN’T ASKED.” Lol.

OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, I just realized that I failed to check at the register for Hills merch!!!

P.S. You know what else is good on grilled cheese? HOT SAUCE.

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Hello from an ice-encrusted Pittsburgh. Due to winter sucking, Henry’s job actually let everyone stay home today and Chooch got to do school remotely (COVID ruined snow days lol). Anyway, as you can imagine this has not been contributing to a calm and balanced work environment for me. It’s bad enough I have to spend my days listening to those animalistic grandkids of Henry’s next door. Apparently they have a baby gate right on the other side of the wall near where my work desk is so that is the mysterious “banging metal pipe” noise I have been hearing incessantly. I hate it so much. God help me.

Well, here are five rando’ thangs to read on this “ok” Friday. Let’s keep in short-n-sweet though. I’m ti-red.

• Henry and Chooch just came back from the post office & getting my books at the library. Henry: He’s mad because he had to carry all your books. Chooch: Yeah. I felt like a nerd. And a shut-in. #OUCH. Anyway, OMGWHICHBOOKSHOULDIREADFIRSTTTTTT?

• On Instagram last week, one of my friends was like WHAT ARE SOME GIRL-CENTRIC TOYS FROM THE 80S I AM BLANKING ON THIS and before flipping in my two cents, I scanned the other comments and was SHOCKED—nay, STUPEFIED—to see that none before me had mentioned the pre-teen jewels that were SWEET SECRETS. Or Get In Shape Girl! So I tippy-tapped my contribution with a triumphant flare. THEN several days later I was digging around in one of my millions of memento containers (you can’t tell I’m a hoarder because everything is stuffed into precious boxes and trunks) and I found this picture of me at my Pappap’s house with a tableful of Sweet Secrets! (And Pound Puppies, which had been mentioned by many in the Instagram comments.) This must have been my 7th birthday, perhaps? 1986? 1987? I can’t tell my age anymore when I look at old pictures, WHAT A PITY.
• SPEAKING OF PITY: I was friends with a girl back when I was the same age as above. She had a speech impediment and used to say “pity” instead of “pretty” so whenever she’d tell me something of mine was pretty, I thought she was degrading me. She was kind of an asshole and a bully back then, so she probably actually was degrading me, now that I think about it. Oh well. THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME, ME. That’s the title of my next imaginary children’s book. You’ll love it. It’s sold in Romania truck stops only though, sorry.
• Earlier this morning, Henry and Chooch went down the street to get coffee. Chooch asked me wanted and, with the utmost confidence, I blurted out: YES A PLAIN GIGANTIC BLACK HOT. There was a pause and then Chooch said, “That’s disgusting.”
• Oh speaking of Sweet Secrets, there was this one time when my Aunt Sharon (of the Moroccan Trip fame) bought me some new ones because I was spoiled AF but my childhood BFF Christy was with me at my Pappap’s house when this happened and Sharon, knowing Christy would be there, also bought her one too and I remember being #SoAnnoyed because that was ONE LESS FOR ME. I told Henry this story recently and his response was a deadpan, “Wow, that doesn’t sound like you at all.”

There. Five things in the bag, biotch! I’ll leave you with a compilation of Mark Lee from NCT laughing in case you are having a bad day.

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When I referenced Morocco in my book post yesterday, it made me remember that I recently found some panoramic photos that I took in Tangier in the 90s. I took some GOD AWFUL pictures as a 13-year-old, and I was actually shocked that this one looked so decent! Maybe my aunt Sharon took this one, actually.

Morocco has always had a special slot in my heart, but when we first arrived there, I actually hated it. I think I was just being a bitchy, not-yet-diagnosed bipolar brat, if we’re being frank with each other here. I was an asshole pretty much during the entirety of that summer’s vacation because, and this is going to make me sound soooo Silver Spoon, but I didn’t want to go on vacation that summer because I had a crush on my MOTHERFUCKING TENNIS COACH.

I was 13! He was like 35! (I had to wait until I was 21 to finally snag my 35-year-old, LOLOL ugh wtf is wrong with me.)

So I remember being such a cunt and writing shit like I DO NOT LIKE HOW IT SMELLS HERE in my vacation journal and whining and screaming OMG WTF KIND OF BUG IS THAT and just making myself be as miserable as possible.

But then there was a cute guy working at the gift/convenience store thing attached to our hotel and he smiled at me once so then I was IN LOVE and suddenly OMG MOROCCO, I LOVE YOU! I vividly remember the song that was playing too, something reggae-ish and all I knew was that they were saying “a lalala la la” so I called it the “la la” song forever and you have to remember, this was like 1993 or 1994 and my carrier pigeon didn’t have Shazam capabilities, so I was left to hum this unknown song to myself for the rest of the trip. I’m pretty sure I even wrote about it in the postcards I was sending home to my friends, because I have always tried to drag my loved ones down into my pit of obsession.

Anyway, at some point, the details of which elude me 30 years later, I somehow learned that it was INNER CIRCLE – SWEAT and literally it’s known in parentheses as A LA LA SONG. I recently made Henry listen  to it with me and nope, does not hold up.

Inner Circle – Sweat (A La La La La Long) – YouTube

Back  to the picture though. I remember, as a 13-year-old girl, being really scared of the Casbah because the tour guide was like EVERYONE MUST HOLD ON TO EACH OTHER AS WE WALK THROUGH HERE BECAUSE SOMETIMES AMERICAN WOMEN ARE TAKEN.

But then somehow my aunt Sharon and I were chilling with a rug merchant, drinking mint tea (that’s one of the things I will never forget about Morocco – the wonderful taste of that mint tea) and bartering for a rug. I imagine we must have stopped there as an entire group because I 100% cannot imagine Globus or whoever we were traveling with being like, “Ok I know we just told you that American women are a hot commodity up in here, but please now enjoy an hour to wander unsupervised around the labyrinthian passages of the Casbah.”

I definitely posted this on here before, but here’s an AWESOME picture that Sharon took of me riding a camel. To this day, I fully believe that she cut my head off intentionally and I honestly probably deserved it. I can tell from here that those were my CHAMBRAY Keds. I was a KedHead 100% in middle school. I used to buy my Keds at Kaufmann’s! What a 1990s sentence!

You know, I was going to end this here but then I felt a surge of ambition and decided to dust off the vacation journal from 1993 and treat you with a passage. (OMG you guys will love this: In order to get my vacation journal from 1993, I had to ask Henry to open his BIG SHOT SERVICE GUY TRUNK that he gave to me to store all my diaries in (I have A LOT) and the lid thing came down and hit him in the head and knocked his glasses off and he is so mad now!! Then a few minutes later, I heard him spit into the sink and I screamed, “OMG did you just spit out a tooth??” and he barked, “NO, IT HIT ME IN THE HEAD WHERE THE MARK IS, NOT IN MY MOUTH” and it turns out he was only just brushing his teeth as he just woken up from a nap. Yes, all of this happened RIGHT WHEN HE WOKE UP FROM A NAP, RISE AND SHINE, MOTHERFUCKER.)

(Wouldn’t it be really funny if, right now, I was like, “Sorry blog friends, but on second thought, I have nothing to add from the journal after all”???)

Well, I had to skim through a lot of fatalistic woe is me nonsense, bitching about people complimenting Sharon on her “fake, decrepit tan,” and an incessant use of the word “gay” that I thankfully grew out of! And this was back when I wrote “Ha³” instead of ha ha ha because I WAS WAY TOO COOL FOR YOUR SCHOOL. Anyway, here’s a sample of a journal entry written by an entitled white 13-yo American asshole, yikes.

July 24, 1993 – Tangier

Today, we went to Malcolm Forbes’ house and toward the end of that tour, Sharon started to get to me. Then we went to the Casbah and the people there really scared me! I was gonna get my picture taken with a cobra around my neck but Sharon spoiled that. The Casbah is like a Labyrinth*. Our guide, Ishum, told us that if a man got lost, he’d be out in two days, but if a woman got lost, she’d be in there forever because a man would take her! These very persistent people were shoving merchandise in our faces. This one little boy asked me if I speak English, and then said, “Welcome to Tangier!” – how sweet! Then we went to a nice store & sat ↓, had some mint tea (umm- Morocco’s main drink) & watched a rug presentation. After about a 1/2 hour of “bartering,” we finally bought the rug for my room. The price was $650 and we got it for $320! Our guide kept whispering prices in our ears (well, Sharon’s). We were in the Casbah for God knows how long. Pappap & Grandma would NOT like it.

Sharon’s been nice to me ever since she bought my rug**. When she wasn’t gonna buy it, she said, “Do you really want it?” and I said, “No. It’s too much money. Maybe someday Pappap will come here and buy me it.” I think  that’s what did it.*** I <3 it!

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* I knew how to spell this with no hesitation back then because that was one of my favorite movies

**Shouldn’t that be the other way around lol

***This tactic no longer works on Henry. I pull that shit now and he’s like “OK cool” and moves on with his day.

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UPDATE: Henry has a blood blister forming on his TRUNK TRAUMA.

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Oh boy, a new year, new books! I set my reading challenge to 75 for this year. I have had less time to read lately and don’t want to add unnecessary stress to my life when reading should be about joy and enrichment and not meeting some arbitrary number, amirite.

I’m going to try to keep these book wrap-ups more succinct from now on because I really fail miserably at recapping and reviewing and unless I feel some strong emotion (whether bad or good), I’m just kind of going through the motions, you know? And is it even valuable to anyone? Smrobably not! So now I’ll just leave the link to the synopsis on Goodreads and drop my rating.

Anyway, I read 10 books. Some more enjoyably than others, for fucking sure.

1. Black Girls Must Die Exhausted – Jayne Allen

Four stars! This is apparently the first book in a series so I’ll probably continue reading as others are released. Good slice of life book and the ending provided the warmth I was looking for during these frigid winter mths.

2. Not a Happy Family – Shari Lepena

ONE STAR, SK-SK-SK-SKIP IT. This is my second Lapena book and definitely MY LAST. I will not be swayed by Booktubers again! Insufferable, cardboard cut-out character. A cringefest in book-form.

Whodunnit? WHOCARES?

3. The Love Hypothesis – Ali Hazelwood

Four stars. Um. Heh heh heh. Heheheheheehehe. Romance is hit or miss with me but this was a motherfucking DELIGHT. It was so smartly written and the characters WERE EVERYTHING. LITERALLY MELTED MY SOUL.  Also, even though I’m not a scientist (I mean, I just struggled to even spell it, so…) and not in academia, the main character Olive really resonated with me in a very deep and personal way.

I did find the SEX SCENES pretty cringey but I am super hard to please (lol) in that regard so do with that what you will. But overall, I loved the story and the characters felt real.

4. Just Last Night – Mhairi McFarlane

FIVE FUCKING STARS. My only FIVE STAR read of the month, actually. And to think that I had DNF’d it several months ago, and here’s why: You know that I like to ping-pong back and forth between a physical book and an audiobook at all times right? Well, I had snagged the audio for this one on Scribd in the fall and thought it would be a good companion to take on my lunch time walks about Brookline. However! – and I feel like an asshole even admitting this – the narrator is Irish or Scottish, I dunno, and I had a really hard time understanding her thick brogue without also seeing the words in front of me. I really hate myself for saying that but there is something about all UK accents that just disagree with my brain. I had one chance in this lifetime to meet Robert Smith of the Cure, my #1 favorite singer of all time, and here I am in this small room doing a meet-n-greet with him, unable to understand anything he’s saying because of his accent.

Ugh.

But I wanted to give it another chance so I got the physical book from the library, and yo. YO. First of all, listen Lucy: any book that starts with a goddamn Pet Shop Boys quote is off to a grrrreat start. And, funnily, there were even several Cure shoutouts in this too!

I dunno how to explain what it was about this that stuck to my ribs like warm, gushy gobs of straight nostalgia, but the writing was chef’s kiss, the pop culture references were smart and snappy, the “Friend group dynamic” was everything I wish I had in my life right now. It made me think back to the days in my early 20s when I used to hang out at McCoy’s with the group of friends I had at that time (Janna is the only one of that group that I kept, everyone was all was TOXIC AF, no lost love there) but it’s not so much the memory of the PEOPLE as it is of that feeling of having somewhere familiar to go, where you walk in with all the confidence in the world because YOU’RE the regular, and these other people can step the fuck out of your way. I dunno, this book struck a chord with me and I rooted so hard for Eve.

Some of the lines in this book made me scream out loud, “I WISH I HAD WRITTEN THAT!” It’s almost like a giant long episode of Friends, but make it darker and British. I need to read every book this broad has written now.

5. Who Is Maud Dixon – Alexandra Andrews

Two stars, and I’m being generous here. WTF did I just read?? This was so implausible and not even in an entertaining way. I was excited to read it because a large portion of it is set in Morocco but it might as well have just been Iowa because I did not get any exotic Moroccan flavor from this AT ALL.

Lame.

6. With Teeth – Kristen Arnett 

A 2-star snooze.

An aside: the main character’s name is Sammie Lucas, which made me picture Sami and Lucas from Days Of Our Lives, which is probably the only positive thing I have to say about this. I read some 4- and 5-star reviews on Goodreads and heartily disagreed with each one. Book, bye. I should have DNF’d this, honestly.

7. The Manningtree Witches – A.K. Blakemore

OK, puritan historical fiction, I see you! Four stars from me! My only issue was that I did have a hard time keeping up with all of the characters but I thought this was brilliantly written and a really solid 17th century witch trial reimagining (though loosely based on actual history). Rebecca West was such a strong and vivid leading character, and I would have definitely wanted to be friends with her had I lived back then and also, thank god I hadn’t lived back then because how fucking miserable. Ugh.

And this review wouldn’t be complete without a FUCK MEN tossed in for good measure.

Wait P.S. how wonderful is that book cover? I’d like to redesign a whole-ass room using that palette, honestly.

8. New People – Danzy Senna

4 stars – strangely enjoyable yet extremely uncomfortable. Was recommended to me when I asked the library for personalized recs. Always ask your librarians, people.

P.S. This was set in 1990s NYC, which is evidently something I enjoy in books.

9. Where They Wait – Scott Carson

3 stars. Started out very strong and I thought, “Oh goodie maybe I finally found a horror novel that unsettles me” but then it got really boring and stupid 2/3 of the way through. Interesting premise though.

10. The Guncle – Steven Rowley

2 Stars. I’m definitely in the minority here but this book just didn’t do it for me. I can’t really pinpoint where it flopped for me, but it felt directionless and kind of redundant at times. It wasn’t that the writing itself was annoying, and even the characters weren’t too bad but there was some disconnect between the story and me, and I really hate that. Really bummed though because this sounded like something that could have been quirky and feel-good, but as it was, I didn’t even cry once! “You can’t spell nemesis with me, sis” is the best thing to come from the whole book.

 

 

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