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There’s something* about Mondays that makes me want to abstain from all the words and just share a music video that we can all dance to together in spirit. 

*(Oh yeah. Work.)

Let’s pretend like we’re all in a beautiful meadow, dancing with the adorable flower boys from 7 o’clock. OK? OK! 아싸!

Blake was over last night and I did that thing I do where I wait until the last minute and then blurt out, “CAN YOUDO ME A FAVOR HERE PUT THIS ON” and then before Blake knew it, he was reprising his leporine* role.

*(That was today’s Dictionary.com word of the day, have some smarts.)

Reflection.

My original plan backfired, because Henry failed to perfectly execute my vision so I threw a fit and pouted for twenty  minutes (I’m getting better), so I guess I’ll save that for that next year.

Anyway, enjoy whatever it is you do on Easter, and if you’re like us and do nothing, then bask in the glory that is no religious obligation! Stupid Henry, I mean, the real Easter bunny didn’t come back to our house so there were NO BASKETS for chooch and me and Henry, I mean, the Easter Bunny, said it’s because we’re spoiled brats and don’t deserve anything and now we know how he feels because we never get him anything for holidays?!

Henry, and I mean, the Easter Bunny, strikes back. What the fuck. 

(NOT EVEN ANY JELLYBEANS?!)

I have vivid memories of being super young in the early 80s, watching Twice Upon a Time on HBO in our old house in South Park. This movie was everything to me. I used to make my mom rent it constantly from one of the tiny, pre-Blockbuster video rental stores (which was next to an arcade that I just learned recently that my Pappap owned, which explains why there were always arcade games and pinball machines in our houses when I was growing up.)

For some reason though, even though it was associated with Lucasfilm, it was really hard to find on video. I was on a kick as a teenager, desperately trying to find it, back when you had to get out the Yellow Pages and call places like Blockbuster and Suncoast. I eventually did find it, back in 1996 or 1997, and had it shipped to my house. (This was back before we used the Internet for every damn thing, you guys, so the fact that I was able to find it at all was a huge victory, and if we’re being honest, it was probably my Aunt Sharon who found it for me because she was relentless.)

And then there was this terrible night, it was actually the night before Thanksgiving in 1997, when my then-boyfriend Paycho Mike and I had a huge fight, one that involved him chasing me into my parentless house, and thankfully I made it into my bedroom with enough time to slam and lock my door behind me. 

He eventually left, but not before going into the family room, taking my prized copy of Twice Upon a Time, and running it over with his car. 

Janna was there. You can ask her! She was scared too!

So, that tells you how much this movie meant to me, that it was the first thing he went for in his mission to abuse me some more. 

I was able to find another copy years later, but it’s on VHS, and I don’t think it would play now even if I still had a VCR. 

It came up in conversation last night and I went on YouTube to find a trailer so I could show Chooch, who wasn’t impressed at all because it didn’t involve some douchebag YouTuber playing video games and screaming, so he went to bed while I stayed up crying to myself when I found the opening credits, which include Bruce Hornsby’s Heartbreak Town. 

MEMORIES. 

So I decided that I need to watch this again, urgently. The last time I googled it, all I could find was used VHS copies. This time though, I found it on DVD – at Target! I had no idea this was ever released on DVD! IT FEELS LIKE I WAS VISITED BY THE EASTER BUNNY A DAY EARLY. 

That’s all. Just wanted to get that off my chest. Fuck psycho boyfriends, long live Target. 

It’s Good Friday. Would it be crossing the line if I made you guys pretend these bullet points are crucifix nails? Also, enjoy some random pictures of Pittsburgh in the springtime.

• Henry and I have been going round and round for the last two weeks. Over almonds! Of all things. Every time he goes to the store, he asks me what I want, and I’m like, “Almonds.” A meager request! But then he comes home and I’m like where are my almonds and he’s all blank stare which means his synapses are tripping over themselves trying to send a legit excuse to his brain. So the first two times this happened, he was all, “I forgot” and then the next time, he was all, “THEY ARE EXPENSIVE.” This seemed like a lame excuse so I started a fight with him, because that’s what I do: start fights and prevent him from sleeping. Everyone knows that. Anyway, on Monday, I went to CVS because I had nothing to eat for lunch and figured I should buy some more oatmeal which is one of the few things I can be bothered to prepare on my own, and while I was there, I thought, “I will also get almonds, fuck you Henry.” And holy shit, guys, almonds are fucking expensive! I mean, I don’t really know the value of a dollar or economics or even how to count money, really, but $9 for a small bag of almonds seemed a bit astronomical to me. So I bought pecans instead and even those seemed like a lot of money, what is this world coming to. I came back to work and had SO MUCH TO SAY about this. “I thought almonds were just like, basic. Like peanuts!” I cried, and Glenn just frowned and said no. Todd put his earphones in because he didn’t feel like contributing, I guess. I was very distraught about this and no one cared, but I bet BARB would have cared if she still worked there. She probably would have come in the next day with an almond-filled sack slung over her shoulders, like the Santa Claus of Seeds.
  • In other CVS news, when I was waiting to check out, the manager came back in from her smoke break (presumably) and literally yelled, “JOHN! Oh my god, JOHN! You didn’t think to ask for help!?” John, the lone cashier, barely glanced up from the change he was counting, therefor didn’t realized that the line had grown exponentially since he started ringing up his current customer. “You didn’t notice this MAGNIFICENT line?!” the manager hollered, gesturing wildly to us haggard people trying to get shit done on our lunch break. John just shrugged and calmly handed his customer their receipt and called the next person in line. Meanwhile, after calling for “Amy’s” assistance (she told her the line had 30 people in it — FALSE), the manager opened the register next to his and I was the lucky person who drew her number. “I’m so sorry!” she loudly apologized to me. “I have NO IDEA how he didn’t notice this line!” Poor John was just standing there, trying to block her out, trying to do his job, trying to enjoy being a middle-aged man in a graying pony tail. “Honestly, it just kind of happened all at once,” I said in John’s defense, because suddenly I’m not the person who gets irate when standing in line anymore? The manager looked at me, a real hard look directly into my eyes, trying to see if she could detect bullshit, like who is this dumb bitch with the audacity to defend JOHN, right? “Well, we’ll let him off the hook this time, since you said it all happened at once,” she said with A WINK while handing me by bag of oatmeal and not-almonds. UGH, we didn’t just BOND over that, so don’t wink at me, weirdo. Poor John. I hope he went home and at least got a handjob that night.

• Sometimes at work, we get high school interns or something, I don’t know what they are, but they’re usually following around the people from the mail room and it’s kind of cute at first but then I just feel sorry for myself because these kids still have a chance, you know? LE SIGH. Anyway, one of the mail guys was carting around some girl a few weeks ago and I vaguely noticed her in my periphery. I didn’t really think much of it until a few days later when she was patrolling our floor for mail all on our own. I went over to Todd’s desk after she rounded the corner and said, ‘Wow, that high school kid walks around here with more confidence than any of the actual mail people!” Todd gave me some neutral reply and then we went about our business. A few days later, I noticed she was STILL there, which I thought was weird because I don’t remember those kids ever lasting very long. So that’s when I was like….is this not a teenager? Todd was all, “Man, I had no idea WHAT you were talking about that day. That girl is like in HER THIRTIES.” And then the next time she walked by, I got a real good look at her, and just started cracking up because there is literally nothing about her that even remotely suggests she could be in high school. MY EYES ARE THAT BAD. Even Lauren admitted that she was concerned for me. “And they also never let those high school interns go rogue,” she pointed out, which I think was her gentle way of calling me a dumbass. I started thinking of this while I was doing KpopX the other night, and I started laughing so hard that I almost peed my pants during a rigorous “Boombayah” routine. “It’s not funny,” Henry said. “You sincerely need to get your eyes checked.”

• Speaking of KpopX, my new shirt came in the mail and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. I almost knocked Henry to the ground in my haste to get the package open. No, not his package. The actual KpopX package, straight from Singapore. (Not Korea, sadly.) I took these stereotypical pictures even though it’s something I would generally roll my eyes at, just because I wanted to tag Maddy (FROM KPOPX!!) in them on Instagram. I’m a suck-up.

• My friend Stacey was recently in San Antonio and sent me this picture because she knew it would make me laugh. <3
• “Don’t think it’s weird that I’ve never been haunted by anything?” I asked my co-workers out of the blue the other day. “That’s because you’re on the haunting end of things,” Glenn muttered. THIS IS THE NICEST THING HE’S EVER SAID TO ME.
• Meanwhile, Todd broke my heart because he said he likes BTS better than BIGBANG. (It’s a Kpop thing. You wouldn’t understand.)

• The abortion protestors must be on vacation because I didn’t see them at all this week, except for one lady who was KNEELING ON THE GROUND and praying in front of Planned Parenthood today, like get the fuck over yourself. I was on the phone with Henry and as I walked by, I VERY LOUDLY said, “Oh my god this ABORTION PROTESTOR IS PRAYING, GET A LIFE” because that’s how I operate: feel of passive aggressive indignation. Last week, some old priest was pacing in front of Planned Parenthood, holding a cross and praying and I was like, “OMG YOU’RE SO COOL” and he MIGHT have heard me. I hate those people. They recruited some young girl with blue hair, like she’s going to help convert the Satan-y, alternative types. She tried to give me a brochure once and I hissed.
  • One time, years and years ago, like pre-Chooch years ago, there were pro life d-bags protesting at the church across the street from my house. They were wearing those tacky sandwich boards with various depictions of fetuses splayed across, so Robbie and I decided to open the windows and blast Marilyn Manson. Henry got very upset about this and told us we were being childish (to be fair, Robbie actually was a child at that time, so….).

The look I give Planned Parenthood protestors.

• Todd, Lauren, and I had a really deep conversation about moths yesterday. 

• I got my passport renewed yesterday just in time for 87 different conflicts to heat up in the world. There might not be anywhere left that’s safe to travel to soon, but at least there’s one more ugly picture of me out there.
• After work today, I was walking through Market Square when I saw some guy laying on the ground surrounded my paper towels. A small crowd had gathered and the popo had just rolled up. One of those lame bicycle cops strode over in his dumb bike hat and asked the prostrate man’s friends, “Is he OD’ing? Alcohol?” “No, he just um, fell and hit his head,” one of the accomplices said, while a BOTTLE OF LIQUOR was on the ground right next to their downed friend. Good job, guys.
  • I was telling Henry about what I saw after I got in the car and he was all, “Oh, I saw two guys running past the car with paper towels a few minutes before you got here” and I thought that was so cool that we both saw two different parts of the scene so then I started obsessing over it because there isn’t enough substance in my brain to keep me from dwelling on things that don’t matter.

• I have Post-It notes all over my desk to help me with my Korean. So like, I have one on my phone that says phone in Hangul, etc. There’s one on the audit lamp, too, and yesterday, Todd was at his desk and said “lamp” out loud in Korean! I was so excited because he was looking at the Post-It on it the other day and I was teaching him how to pronounce it, so with my hands on my chest, I cried out, “Oh my god, you remembered!” Maybe I really CAN be a teacher after all, right? But then Todd laughed and said, “God no, it’s called Google Translate and it’s right in front of me.” :(

• My favorite part about Chooch bringing flowers home is trying to guess from whose yard they were thieved. He just had another row with Jackie the Witch today so I’m going to guess her flowers are next on the list. It was a huge ordeal apparently- she made Jayden cry and Chooch came to me with 4 kids in his wake, hysterically recapping the latest “GET OFF MY LAWN” episode and this one kid was like LOSING HIS MIND, he was so angry. I let them all vent and then basically said, “Cool story, get off my lawn.” Look, Henry was almost done making my tteokbokki and I wanted to eat, not get in some pointless screaming match with JACKIE. Anyway, I think this is just karma because when I was first moved here, Jackie’s son was Chooch’s age and he ANNOYED THE FUCK out of me. Somehow, all of the neighbor kids used to congregate on my porch—OK, not “somehow.” It was clearly because I was the cool 20-year-old on the block. Chooch wanted to throw that in Jackie’s face. “I should have said, ‘Yeah, well, you should worry about your own son and whose yard he’s on!'” OK Chooch, but that was 17 years ago (OMG I’ve lived here a long time) so that doesn’t really hold up.
  • My favorite part about Chooch’s reenactments of his conflicts is when he says, “And then I said [insert obscenity-laden, brazen retort], OK fine, I just thought that in my head. What I really said was ‘ I DIDN’T DO IT.'” He never does anything, you guys. It’s obviously Drop Dead Fred.

• I noticed a sign in the window of Rock n Joe’s the other day, boasting their lavender lattes. Lavender lattes are my favorites, tied with maple! Crazy Mocha is where I usually go for my lavender fix, but I decided to give Rock n Joe’s a try even though I think they’re overpriced and gimmicky. So I rolled up in there yesterday on my break, about fifteen minutes before they closed. I walked in to an empty joint, all prepared to order, but the guy behind the counter had to finish his text first. You know how important that is when you’re AT WORK. I hold up one finger all the time when my boss comes over to ask me something, like just a second, lemme just finish telling Henry that G-Dragon’s solo concert in Seoul sold out in 8 minutes, thanks. I let this dumbass finish and then when I tried to order my little slice of lavender heaven, he did the sad face/head tilt before saying, “I’m sorry, we’re all out of lavender syrup. We’ll have more tomorrow.” And then he waited for me to order something else, and normally I would have ordered something I didn’t even want because it’s in my nature to feel obligated by society, but you know what I said? “Maybe I’ll come back tomorrow, then.” Well, today is tomorrow and do you think I went back? NO I DIDNT. “Wow, you sure showed him,” Henry said when I called him at work to tell him this amazing story.

I think that’s all I have. But before I go, here’s a kpop video! These guys will be at KCON and I want to go so bad and I even already requested off work but I have a feeling I’ll never be able to get tickets. Anyway, I like them mostly because their singer has been on Running Man a whole bunch of times and he is just so dreamy.

But no seriously, I have never related to Korean college girls so much before in my life.

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Today at work, the mail guy wished me a happy Easter and I was like, “HAHA ok weirdo” but then I said, “Wait—when’s Easter?” and three people at once were like, “Uh, it’s this Sunday, dumbass.”

Why can’t Easter just be at the same time each year?! I can never keep tabs on it. I’m either too soon, like the time I had an Easter egg dyeing party nearly a month before Easter and none of my friends thought it was strange because they’re used to me not having a clue. 

Or it creeps on me unexpectedly like this year. I feel like I knew last weekend at one point that it was soon but then I managed to forget once the week started. 

My point is that I didn’t take any Easter pictures of Chooch yet and now I’m not sure if I’ll have time and I’m sad about that. And timehop is all super casually reminding me of past Easter portraits and I’m just like, “Suck a dick, Timehop.” It’s always nagging me to look at my past when everyone else is telling me to stop living there and I feel so conflicted. 

Maybe I’ll just go commercial and stick him on some mall bunny’s  lap. 

In other Easter-y news, Chooch is on spring break which I always feel should come after Easter but whatever. Judy has been watching him which is fine but with that comes some necessary tweaks in my routine. For instance, when she’s here, I can’t watch Running Man. We tried to watch it with her on Monday and she was open to it, but then she kept wanting to have non-Korean conversations and I was like I’m TRYING to watch RUNNING MAN. 

“Yeah but it’s not like you need to listen to it,” Glenn muttered when I complained about this today. 

“I LIKE TO HEAR THE BEAUTIFUL SOUNDS OF THEIR LANGUAGE,” I shouted back at him. God!

And then she washes our dishes and I really appreciate that but she doesn’t actually wash them, if you know what I mean. I pulled a spoon out of the strainer and it still had peanut butter on it, so I basically just dumped everything back into the sink. 

Glenn’s advice was to just reuse that spoon for peanut butter and I almost puked. 

My favorite thing about having her here though is listening to her and Chooch bicker like the Odd Couple. (The Odd Couple?! Hi, I’m an 80-year-old.)

For instance, last night, I wanted to light a candle in my room but didn’t have a lighter so I did what any parent would do and summonded my kid to go play fetch.

Immediately, there was a verbal scuffle between those two downstairs. Judy was trying to tell Chooch that there was a lighter in the kitchen but he apparently ignored her advice and took his search elsewhere so she kept yelling at him to check the kitchen and finally he was like GRANDMA I KNOW, THAT ONE DOESNT WORK to which she outmatched his volume with her retaliation of WELL YOU DIDNT SAY YOU NEEDED ONE WITH FLUID. 

????!

Anyway, Chooch found the lighter he was looking for (there are a lot less lighters in the house when no one is a smoker, that’s for sure) and brought it to me like a happy puppy. 

Except that the candle’s wick was down too far and neither of us could fit our meatfists down in there. I figured this was a grand time to teach Chooch my trick, and as he watched me rip up a piece of paper and light it on fire, he began to object but it was too late: I had already dropped the fiery paper into the candle jar, failing in lighting the wick but succeeding in filling my bedroom with smoke. 

Luckily, chooch had removed the smoke detector THAT SAME DAY because Judy burnt a veggie burger and set the alarm off and neither of them knew how to turn it off so chooch removed it from the ceiling and apparently wanted to bash it to death but then Judy took it off him and calmly removed the batteries.

Don’t worry, Henry will put it back.

Meanwhile, Henry was trying to sleep but apparently the act of his lungs filling with smoke woke him up and HOO BOY was he pissed when he saw us standing there, Chooch with a lighter in his hand, me with my PYROMANIAC cape on, with a smoking Yankee Candle knock-off between us. 

This has absolutely nothing to do with Easter, but there you go. 

I guess today is National Pet Day. How would I ever know what day it was if not for Instagram hashtags?

I just posted pictures of my current cats two days ago so I thought I would do a throwback to 1983. 

Here’s an old picture of my dad pretending to like me, also featuring his Siberian Husky, Blitz. The only time I ever saw my dad cry was when he had Blitz put to sleep. Man, I get it, Dad. I get it. He never got another pet after that. I always thought he was a jerk until I grew up and started losing my Originals: Marcy, Nicotina, Don, and Willie. It’s hard to know that I’m going to have to suffer that traumatic heartbreak again one day now that we have two new cats, but this house was just too empty and sad otherwise. 

(Though, full of FLOURISHING PLANTS but I’m not bitter.)

Also, that broad on the left in the picture is Connie, some girl who lived on our street. I just remember she was a Jehovah’s Witness and all that meant to me was that she wasn’t allowed to go trick or treating, which I thought was just cruel, man.

(Connie is not to be confused with the dumb bitch who left me stranded in her treehouse overnight – ok probably only for about an hour until her dad realized I was stuck up there. I was afraid to climb down, Ok?! To this day, I still freeze anytime I’m more than three feet off the ground, which is why you will usually find me panicking on a playground while Henry and Chooch frown at me in disappointment.)

#nationalpetday

Fine, here are also two pictures of Penelope plotting plant perishment. 

Pets are just the best. Never trust someone who doesn’t have at least sea monkeys or a fucking ant farm, you know?

Gotta go. Journey’s “Who’s Crying Now” just came on the radio and I have to go and accidentally wake up Henry with my overzealous bed-dancing. 

Fred pulled back the kitchen curtains and took in the typical Pittsburgh sky: sunlight struggling to be seen through clouds in varying states of precipitation.

“It’s another beautiful day in Pittsburgh,” he smiled.

A note clinging to his fridge against the weight of a Steelers magnet reminded him that he needed to buy more pierogis and pop, but first he was having breakfast with his best friend, Mr. McFeely.

Mr. McFeely was already waiting at a table when Fred arrived at Pamela’s later that morning.

“Fred, we picked a bad day to come here,” he spat sourly. “The place is full of kinderdicks!”

A cursory scan of the breakfast hot spot taught Fred that there were indeed many small children communicating their feelings in the cacophonic volume of basic banshees.

“Mr. McFeely, these children are the future Heinz laborers! The next Sophie Masloffs and Michael Keatons! They deserve to be here, eating potatoes lyonnaise, just as much as you and I.” Fred beamed happily, tucking a napkin into his cardigan.

“Fred,” Mr. McFeely sighed, “you are a good man.”

“I just really love everyone in my neighborhood,” Fred modestly waved off the compliment.

***

On the way to Giant Eagle later that afternoon, Fred’s car hit a pothole the size of Ben Roesthlisberger’s ego, splashing his Schneider’s iced tea into his lap. Fred shook his head and chuckled. “Maybe I should have taken the trolley!”

In Giant Eagle, Fred considered buying a pound of Isaly’s chipped ham but remembered he had 9 pounds of it in his freezer already.

“Will this be all for today?” the young, disinterested cashier asked Fred at the check-out.

“Yes dear, just came here for some pierogis and pop,” Fred answered, his avuncular smile causing crinkles to spread from his eyes.

“It’s soda,” she corrected him, making it clear she was one of those endearing transplants, here to attend college while constantly disputing the vernacular.

Fred took the bag from her outstretched hand, politely wishing her well while laughing softly to himself. He knew she would be calling it pop in no time.
***

When Fred arrived home that evening after a full day of tooling around town, some of the neighborhood children were playing a rousing game of Release. The playing field had spilled into his yard, but Fred didn’t mind; children were his favorite types of people. Especially Pittsburgh children.

Fred paused outside of his front door, smiling lazily at the sounds of prepubescent caterwauls and urban swears while casually sliding the gum band off of the stack of mail that arrived that day. His eyes had just fallen on an ad in the Pennysaver for the Immaculate Heart of Mary fish fry when his periphery caught a flash of something that made him involuntarily dry-heave.

It was a putrid color, the wash of ear wax.

The chroma of Cheetos’d fingertips.

The tint of Carrot Top’s unruly follicular chapeau.

The stain of Snooki’s skin after a summer at the Jersey Shore.

Fred felt the color drain from his face. His heart began thrumming against his ribcage and something of an unfamiliar feeling began rising up from his gut. It was a feeling he felt only thrice in his life:

● Once, when he was inspired to make his own crayons after airing a tour of the Crayola factory on his show, which resulted in him spilling hot wax all over his favorite cardigan.

● Once, when he came home after a particularly long day to find that someone had chucked his Pittsburgh parking chair onto the grass and brutally thieved his rightful parking spot.

● Once, when Lady Elaine Fairchild arrived to work drunk.

The orange flash was a Philadelphia Flyers jersey. On a child.
The feeling Fred felt was pure, unadulterated black and gold fury.

Shaking the Pennysaver—now rolled-up into a Flyers-fan beating apparatus—into the air, Fred hollered, “Get off my lawn, ya jagoff!”

****

This is an original painting that I made for a Pittsburgh-themed blog exchange I participated in. It’s ready to hang and the story comes with it!

Here are pictures of my cats, which I only took because I wanted to practice the Korean hashtags I learned this weekend.  Conjugating verbs < Internet lingo. 

Obvi. 

Penelope has spent most of the day sleeping in my closet. How boring. This was right after I woke her up so I could take a picture so that this post wouldn’t look like I was favoring Chooch’s dumb cat Drew. 

In other news:

• Henry has nearly finished painting a magnificant table for the back porch, which will be used for the record player. One night last week he was supposed to be in the basement painting it but really he was in the driveway talking to HNC, so chooch and I were trying to spy on them until HNC’s wife-thing came flying out of the house screaming about how she was going to fucking kill him. Henry said he wasn’t scared but holy shit did that make chooch and me take eighteen giant steps away from the window. Henry said HNC waited for her to go back in before saying, “Ain’t I lucky?”
• Speaking of neighborss: It’s been a week and I don’t hate the new neighbors. #knockonwood I want to try and suggest having a block party this summer. We’ll see. 
• Chooch’s piano teacher changed her name to Lavendar and now I love her even more and want to be best friends but I’m too shy-shy, hush hush, eye to eye. 
• Chooch and I watched the season finale of The Walking Dead last night and holy shit, I’m glad I didn’t give up like I was going to. That episode killed me, though. Henry and I got in a fight because chooch and I kept saying we were so worried about Ezekiel’s tiger and Henry was all, “It’s not even a real tiger. It’s CGI.” And I was like, “No it’s real” and then he went silent for a few seconds before shoving his phone in my face and saying, “Here’s the man in the blue suit that you’re so worried about.” Fuck off, Henry. 

Other than that, all you missed today was me overhearing our old grass-cutter Joe telling the old Polish produce guy up the street that he just got back from DC. He was there for three days. 

Cool story, Joe. 

ETA: I just saw that Kcon NY accounced CNBlue and TWICE (!!!!!) so the rest of my evening has been dedicated to whining, begging, and perfecting my lip-protrude. 

Today has been gloriously free of responsibility and plans – and I fucking love it. 

I actually slept in for the first time in months, watched The Walking Dead with Chooch (we fell behind a few episodes because I got bored with American TV, but now we’re almost caught up), did KpopX, and found an old Cinematic Sunrise shirt that never really fit me because I was forever fat,  but now it fits so thank you, Korea!

Later, we took a family walk in Homewood Cemetery and I wondered what we must look like to other people who are there jogging, riding bikes, or being generally normal, unlike us. 

Henry: First one to spot a deer—

Me, lying: Found one!!

Henry: —has to cook their own dinner.

Guess who had a cheese sandwich for dinner. :(

There actually weren’t any deer (I guess they all live in Allegheny Cemetery) but we saw a bunch of fat squirrels and ground hogs, and then a large turkey crew right before we got back to our car. 

Chooch fell off this stump literally about 3 seconds after I took this picture. 

After desecrating the sacred burial grounds with our d-baggery, we moved on to Millie’s for some pre-dinner ice cream because WE DO WHAT WE WANT. 

I know some of you will be all EW GROSS YUCK BLAH but one of the current flavors is prune and I was so close to getting it but instead I opted for fig and my bae, my #1, my ride-or-die: dat lavender doe. 

Millie’s is arguably (and you know I love to argue so come at me)  the best ice cream in Pittsburgh (Maya, when you guys come here, we’re going!) and as such, this is the best lavender I’ve ever had. 

Hands down.

Oh my god, Millie’s. I can’t believe I was ever sad that they took over the space of my former favorite ice cream place’s shop—Oh Yeah. 

Their ice cream is just so refreshing!

Henry was mad because every person in line had to try a sample and why couldn’t they just know what they wanted to order, like he did??

(He got peppermint brownie and butter pecan, not like anyone cares.)

Chooch usually always gets Chad’s Favorite Vanilla and The Best Chocolate, but this time he shocked us all by forgoing the chocolate in favor of the peppermint brownie. Wow.

Then we did some shopping. I hate shopping that was whatever. But apparently there is a new version of the Babysitters Club books out?! They’re graphic novels though which doesn’t please me, but Chooch wants to start reading them because all his GIRLFRIENDS read them so I relented and let him get the first one even these newfangled, flashy versions of them make my heart ache. I LOVED THE BABYSITTERS CLUB. 

MY DAD THREW THEM ALL AWAY. 

I HAD EVERY SINGLE ONE!

(Even the special vacation ones and the Junior series.)

“Oooh, the truth about Stacey?!” Chooch cried with faux-excitement. 

“Yeah, she has diabetes.”

“Oh thanks for the spoiler!” Chooch mumbled. LOLOLOL. 

And here’s my current favorite Kpop song that Henry hates. 

EVERYBODY SAY NO. 

Chooch in 2013, when he was known to wear a wolf hat just like his idol, Christofer Drew.

On Sunday, I got to do one of my favorite things in the whole entire world: go to a show with Chooch.

We hadn’t gone to a show together since last fall when we saw the Summer Set in Columbus! So when Never Shout Never announced a throwback tour, there was definitely no question that we were going. Henry bought two tickets and cheerfully said, “Have fun!” as he mentally planned all the things he was going to do without us that night, such as: eat meat, read the circulars, chip away at his tunnel to freedom, and sleep?

I actually have no idea what he did after he dropped off at Stage AE. I tried to get out of the car as quickly as possible, before too many people in line saw me and thought that my DAD was dropping me off. Ugh, the horror.

Except that Chooch was with me, immediately marking me as a mom. Oh well. That and my gray hair.

The line wasn’t terribly long, but long enough to make Chooch grumble. These whippersnappers and their instant gratification! They don’t know the satisfaction of good things and waiting, or whatever that fucking bullshit adage is.

I’ll tell you one thing though: there were a lot of girls there with flower chains all up in their unwashed hair. Oh, that neo-hippie couture. I was just wearing jeans and a striped shirt. You know, my uniform.

Meanwhile, an ice cream truck rolled up! What smart marketing. Too bad Papa H didn’t give us any cash, so we had to stand there like peasants and watch all of the other kids rush over to grab a Push-Up.

And by “all of the other kids,” I mean four of them.

“Wow, their prices are high!” Chooch scoffed.

“Are they? Those ones over there are like, a dollar….”

But he didn’t hear me because he was too busy mentally comparing the prices with other ice cream trucks he’s seen around town, like he’s suddenly into the economics of ice cream on the go.

I was like, “OMG stop sounding like such a nerd right now, we’re in line for a fucking concert, ugh, STFU.”

Meanwhile, some Stage AE broad was pacing back and forth like a drill sergeant, yelling for all the guys to move over to the line on the right where they could proceed to the obligatory pat down from a male security person, while us girls got felt up by fellow women because that makes it better.

I had to send Chooch into the man line and I acted like I was sending him off to war.

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright?” I called after him like a smothering mother. “Wait for me inside!” That last part may have been muffled by the sound of me drowning on my tears.

But then Chooch came back because I forgot to give him his ticket, lol. This allowed some of the girls ahead of us in line to notice him, and once he got his ticket and went back to the Man Line, they started gushing loudly.

“DId you see that kid?! He was wearing a Dance Gavin Dance shirt!”

“He’s the coolest person here by far.”

“I want to take a picture of him!”

“How old do you think he is, like 13?”

OMG I was dying to holler, “Hi! Hello! It’s me! It’s me, his mom! And he’s only 10, btw!” But I didn’t want to be all High-Strung Mother so I just kept my mouth shut.

“That’s the kind of mom I’m going to be,” one of the girls said and I took a leisurely lap around Validation Bay.

Chooch was waiting for me, unscathed and un-abducted, after I emptied my jacket pockets to show the security broads that there was no room for drugs or switchblades next to all the ramping, lipgloss, and plastic toy capsules. They seemed satisfied that I wasn’t a terrorist or just your standard American delinquent with a sinister cherry bomb agenda.

Chooch and I claimed a prime spot against the railing, which I knew would be good for him since he’s a shortie with a predilection for resting on his laurels; our spot was sparsely populated so he was able to sit down without being tripped over.

There was only one opening band: Me Like Bees. I thought they were ok, definitely inoffensive to the ears, but I had listened to them before and they just didn’t stick with me. Seeing them live didn’t really change that—I was kind of bored. They reminded me a bit of Modest Mouse, calmer and less musical, and just kind of boring to me. IM SORRY.

I did enjoy their cover of Beastie Boys’ Sabotage though.

After Me Like Bees’ set, the couple next to us asked how we heard about Never Shout Never. I told them that Chooch was the one who actually got me into them, leaving out the part where I had already known who NSN was but refused to give them a chance because in my mind, it was just some lame kid who got YouTube famous for singing whiny songs. I’m glad that I let Chooch change my mind, because Christofer Drew is actually a talented song-writer and let’s be honest, he can jam that ukulele. His music just makes me really happy, and I love that it gave Chooch and I something to share.

Anyway, they were shocked that Chooch has seen NSN five times already in his young age (and met them once!), and the guy part of the couple (I think they were actually just friends, but whatever) said that when he’s a dad, he hopes he can do the same thing with his kids. That was the second time that night that my parenting style was commended by a stranger – I can’t even describe the awesome feeling it gave me.  I love getting to share these experiences with Chooch: going to shows, falling in love with new bands, fighting over who which member of BIGBANG is the best — this is my favorite part of being a parent!

Never Shout Never put on a fantastic show as always. Chris’s banter was fiery as usual, but Taylor wasn’t there to volley it back, so that was sad. But they sure busted out the throwback jams, that’s for sure!

• Big City Dreams
• Trouble
• Your Biggest Fan
• On the Brightside
• California
• Piggy Bank
• Cheatercheaterbestfriendeater
• I Love You 5
• Coffee and Cigarettes
• Happy
• Love is our Weapon
• Sellout
• First Dance
• Harmony

During Harmony, Chooch shouted in my ear, “He should sing this song to Donald Trump!”

Indeed, my little friend.

Two of my favorites were played: “On the Brightside” and “Cheatercheaterbestfriendeater” so I was happy. Chooch sang along to every single song, and in between screamed, “Jane Doe!”

Sadly, Chris did not grant Chooch’s wish.

“Ugh, I feel like I’m in middle school again! This is great!” I heard the girl next to us yell to her friend at one point, and that made me happy because nostalgia can be such a precious thing.

It also made me feel REALLY OLD because I was already in my late 20s when Christofer Drew debuted in the scene.

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“All of it,” Chooch said just now when I asked him what his favorite part of the night was. What a perfect way to end the weekend!

I needed something mindless to do before bed, so a train-of-thought blog post, it is! 

It’s been A Day, to say the least. But I made it through without cracking any gin bottles over my head, somehow. And now it’s over and we’re halfway done with the week! Together, we can do it!

But first, let’s unwind with some old-school BIGBANG with G-Dragon looking perfect as usual:

Whenever I’m feeling really overwhelmed, I think to myself, “What would G-Dragon do?” and then I realize the answer is probably is in Korean so it’s a good thing I’m learning. (I can read some of his hashtags now on Instagram!!)

Speaking of learning Korean, I was watching a YouTube video about what goes into choosing Korean names and how there are actually naming centers where names can be bought. So I was imaging how wonderful it would be to have my own Korean name. I told Glenn at work that the other day that I could have one chosen for me based on my personality. 

“So it could be—”

“Weirdo?” Glenn cut me off just as I was saying, “Beautiful Unicorn.”

I actually did learn that “weirdo” is 이상한 사람 and is NOT NICE. 

I want to go rollerskating this weekend, and I want Henry to plant flowers in the front yard, and I want to have penpals again.

The cats go on the back porch now. It’s whatever. My plants will be dead soon. 

The other night, I couldn’t sleep because I accidentally imagined Henry at his high school prom, requesting some random Captain & Tenille banger so then I couldn’t stop uproariously laughing, like full-blown belly laughs, until henry told me to go fuck myself and fell asleep, which I continued to flounder in that frustrating state of manic giddiness. ALL ALONE. 

It’s all fun and games until I laugh myself to death (which Henry might have a hand in).

I found this old picture of my friend Shawn and I drinking WINE COOLERS in 1998 because we were SO COOL. Some things to note: 

• that was one of my favorite shirts in the whole world and I only recently parted ways with it because it had a hole in it and you know, it was 20 years old, so. 
• I still have that same birdhouse hanging up next to my front door, only it’s super battered now from all the times it’s fallen. It actually used to be on the windowsill for years and that was how Kara knew which house was mine, until I moved it onto the wall and then she had to guess which house was mine based on the amount of garbage in the front yard. #brookline
• I don’t wear purple eyeshadow HARDLY AT ALL these days. Gold has been my signature color for the last five years
• I might wear my hair like that tomorrow. 
• I have a vague recollection of this night and I think that things got REALLY AWKWARD when my neighbor Abdul came over later and wouldn’t leave. 

Now in addition to doing my hair like that tomorrow, I also really want to have a throwback party with winecoolers. Are you in or are you way too cool for such corny celebrations. 

I just suddenly got a craving for apple juice though so maybe this party will have juice boxes instead. We can throw it all the way back to kindergarten. 

*****

And now, a riddle from Chooch:  What’s brown, has a head, a tail, but no legs? (Answer in the comments.)

[Ed.note: I guessed a snake, which I feel like could be a legit answer but Chooch says no.]

Chooch didn’t have piano lessons on Sunday so we went for a FAMILY WALK in Allegheny Cemetery, and it made me realize that it’s kind of been a minute since we all slowed down and actually spent some real time together (as in: no TV/phones/computer). Chooch and I were in rare form, the kind of form where EVERY DAMN THING is hilar. And Henry was just like “Shhhh, I’m trying to listen to nature.”

Speaking of, there was a bird call that he couldn’t identify! Chooch and I were appalled. We thought he knew it all.

Henry walks alone. 

One shot family photo.

It was such a good walk!

Then we went to one of the Asian markets and I was going to translate a bottle of juice for Chooch but then a group of people surged through the door and I got supreme stagefright. I bought some new candy for work and struck gold this time! More on that later. Maybe. If you want a good old-fashioned candy review blog post, that is.

But yeah, my Korean studies are going well. It’s not easy at all, but the challenge is just what I needed.

Lol, then henry and I fought because I snuck all kinds of candy in the cart at the Asian market but then he still made me 김밥 for dinner so I win. 

Also in weekend news:

• HAVE YOU MET TED?: We got new neighbors! They are very un-Boots-y and I hope it stays that way. I think it’s just the two of them: an older couple, maybe a bit older than me, or in their 40s. I only met the guy so far. His name is Ted and he seems fine. I was like CHOOCH LET’S GO MEET THIS GUY BC I NEED TO KNOW NOW IF WE SHOULD EITHER MOVE OR JUST BURN DOWN THE WHOLE HOUSE.
• PLAIN DOORS: I noticed that our new neighbors got a new front door, probably because of Boots’ actual boots, but then Henry pointed out that no, the door had just been RESTAINED. “Can we do that too?!” I cried, because I want a fresh fucking door. Henry said yes and I screamed, “CAN WE STAIN IT PURPLE?!?!” and he said no. :(
• BABIES: Babies were here on Saturday, but you knew that!
• RUNNING MAN: You guys, this is the best show in the world and it’s how Henry and I have mutual laughter while watching it. Running Man is bringing us closer together! The day we play kai bai bo to decide our marital fate is when I’ll know it’s real.
• BONDING OVER NEVER SHOUT NEVER: Chooch and I capped off a lovely weekend by seeing Never Shout Never at StageAE and I’m sure I’ll splay out 1,000+ words about that later this week. 

Until then, 안영!

It started out that I didn’t want to be around people on Thursday. I even took the day off work in advance, because I know myself all too well. I reminded myself to stay away from Timehop and then attempted to fill my day with healthy things to keep my mind from reliving the bad memories from the last March 30th.

I went for a walk in the rain.

I practiced my Korean.

I went to lunch with Henry.

I watched a Running Man episode.

All good, healthy things to keep my mind spinning in positive directions, and not unnecessary downspirals. Anniversaries are so weird. I could have stayed in bed all day cried but fuck that noise.

I had a ticket for the Stolas / Icarus the Owl show that night, but I wasn’t particularly in the mood to be around strangers. The idea of staying home was very tempting, but I really like Icarus the Owl and I hadn’t seen them since September 2015. I had to go. I let myself be selfish for most of the day, but now it was time to get over myself and go support a band I love.

And I am so glad that I did because it turned out to be not only an amazing show, but just an overwhelmingly healing night for me in so many ways.

I got to Smiling Moose about twenty minutes before the opening band, Atlas Decay, went on. The room was still relatively uncrowded and the tiny bar area was empty. I grabbed a stool, had a brief conversation with the bartender about wheat beer before settling on Sam Adams Cherry Wheat (I’ve been making an effort to try new things rather than fall back on my old standby—cider). A few minutes later, I was looking down at my phone when a girl sat down next to me and said, “Hi, how are you?”

Alarms went off.

No one ever acknowledges me when I’m alone at a show. I’m invisible, remember?

I blurted out that I was fine and then tossed some side-eye to my left and saw that it was a younger girl in a Contortionist hoodie. I realized within seconds that I recognized her from other shows at the Smiling Moose, and that she too tends to always be there alone.

After the awkward salutations wafted off into the ether and were now just a faint memory, that familiar, uncomfortable silence set it. But when the bartender set down her Boddington’s, I used that as my chance to start a real conversation.

So I told her that I’m just learning to drink beer.

Because I’ve found that people who drink beer always want to talk about drinking beer.

And that worked! We started talking fluidly, without any awkward pretenses. This is how normal people do it! This is how I used to do it, too, back when I still had a personality and self-esteem! And then she asked what band I was there to see and when I said Icarus the Owl, she said, “Me too!” We animatedly discussed bands we liked until Atlas Decay started, and once they were over, we immediately resumed our conversation.

We talked a bit about Emarosa and she asked me how many times I’ve seen them. When I told her about the first time, at a skate park in 2008, opening for Pierce the Veil, she exclaimed, “Wow! That’s one for the books!”

HOLY SHIT, SOMEONE WAS INTERESTED IN MY GRANNY TALES!

Anyway, her name is Cat and she is only 22, but she’s an old soul. I could sense it.

We hung out for the duration of the show, and I really hope I see her again. It was so cool to have someone to stand with, as simple as that sounds. At one point she said, “Erin, you’re awesome” and I almost cried because usually I hear, “You’re weird” “you’re annoying” or “you’re dumb” and that’s just when I’m not being interrupted, talked over, or just ignored completely.

#life

And holy shit, Icarus the Owl. I am even more in love with them. Their music filled the holes in my heart that night and I knew I made the right choice. Not just for myself, but for the bands. Our scene here is not the best and these shows at Smiling Moose never really fill the room, so it’s my duty as a fan to boost the attendance by at least one. These guys sacrifice a lot to go on tour. I live 10 minutes away from Smiling Moose and had no other obligations that night. No excuses.

Joey Rubenstein makes me smile. <3

When they played “Skysweeper” I had an out-of-body experience. It was beautiful.

Next was Mylets, who I had never heard of but Cat was like, “OMG you’re going to love him!” and she was right of course because she’s awesome and has impeccable taste! So Mylets is Henry, a one-man band. It’s almost like he’s playing DDR up there with his pedals, and it was mesmerizing to watch.

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I almost left before Stolas because I’ve seen them numerous times and while I don’t dislike them, they’re not a band I generally tend to listen to on my own. But something told me to stay, and I’m so glad that I did because they blew me away. I don’t remember them being that good!

After Cat and I said our goodbyes, I was about to leave as well, but I noticed Joey from Icarus the Owl standing nearby. We made eye contact, and I thought to myself, “You had two beers. YOU CAN DO THIS, ERIN R. KELLY.” And so I walked over and told him that I think he’s amazing, and he was all, “Me?!” in the most adorable, humble way, and then he said, “We’ve met before. About two years ago….here, I think, right? And….you’re on The Twitter.”

“Yes! I’m the girl who’s always wishing for you guys to tour with Artifex Pereo and Emarosa!”

He remembered! People don’t remember me! I’m too average!

I couldn’t believe it.

And we had such a good, effortless conversation about the scene and their tour, and he said that actually, they were supposed to do a tour with Emarosa but plans fell through. Ugh!

I bought their newest album on vinyl and he legit wouldn’t let me leave until he had every last band member sign it for me, which required him to text, call, and flat out leave the merch table to seek out the last guy. Some of the people waiting in line looked annoyed, but I was like I’M SORRY OK.

Anyway, he hugged me two times and said it was nice to re-meet me and by the time I got to the car (Henry and Chooch were annoyed that I came out later than I originally said, lol), I was super giddy.

“That’s great,” Henry sighed, and Chooch just mumbled, “Cool story.”

I mean, probably that’s what happened. I still had so much buzzing in my head.

Oh! And the bartender said, “You look so clean cut but then you have hand tattoos. I love it.” That made me laugh so hard, because I make no sense. 

Fuck, I needed this night. Pity party officially canceled. 

Robbie and Nikki brought the twins to our house tonight for a visit and it was so much fun!

Blake and Haley came over for Babyfest too and watching them interact with their nephews made me even more excited for their baby to get here! I might not like holding babies (I’m terrified!) but I love observing them and the weird faces they make. 

Blake and Eli. 

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The ambush <3

Judy and Levi. 

We had Kpop videos on in the background the whole time so maybe they learned some Korean while they were here.  YOU DONT KNOW. Babies have weird brains. 

Chooch was being SO CLINGY and high maintenance all night because god forbid he wasn’t getting attention. But the. He lured Robbie over to the computer to watch him play some dumb game and that seemed to appease him. 

Henry and Levi. 

Judy and Eli. She was just besides herself with joy tonight and it was amazing. Almost as amazing as when she saw a picture of G-Dragon on my phone and thought it was Chooch. I WISH. 

I love that we see both of Henry’s kids so much now! And being around these cute babies makes me want to adopt. Probably not right now though.  I’m pretty poor.